King Ralph (1991) Script


The rain appears to have stopped.

We can continue with the portrait.

So I should hope.

First time we've had the family together for six years.

We'll need both banks of fill lights.

I've already strung the cables, sir.

Could you?

Permit me, Your Majesty.

HER MAJESTY: Thank you.

-All set up, sir. -Thank you.

We're ready now, everybody.

Look straight into the lens... and keep your eyes wide and bright.

Now, after three. One... two... three.

MAN: At a time like this, any task is difficult, but a surviving heir to the throne must be found.

The nation, the commonwealth, and, I daresay, the known world await your findings.

Good luck, gentlemen.


Since when do we give a toss about this kind of bullshit?

Shut up, Dysentery.

Where's your sense of national flipping pride?


Uh, uh, you.

-Excuse me, Sir Cedric. -Yes?

I believe we've found an heir.

That's wonderful, Duncan. Who is it?

His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.

Is he everything we might have hoped?

He has his strengths and his weaknesses.

You see, he's an American.

Quickly, Duncan, the strengths.

MAN: Here's one from Don Ho, the godfather of Hawaiian soul.

Tiny bubbles Thank you.

In the wine

Make me happy Oh, howthey Make me feel fine How a how we do He's in there.

Tiny bubbles Make me warm all over Are you shitting me?

And the feelin' that I'm gonna love you Till the end of time

Thank you.

Ah-choo!

Brady, I've got that 20 for you tomorrow.

BRADY: Yeah, right.

Hey, Mitzi.

Heard your show went a little better than mine.

Ed, what are you doing down here?

We're not paying you to watch television.

Excuse me.

Hello, my name is Duncan Phipps. This is Inspector McGuire.

Great. A couple of checks bounce?

No, he's here for your protection.

ED: Jones, I'm not finished talking to you.

Come in. I'll sign a picture for you.

Smashing show, by the way. Absolutely smashing.

-We're not renewing you. -What?

I'm putting Mitzi in your slot.

[Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh]

You little back-stabbing bitch.

ED: Turn in your tux.

'Cause I wouldn't sing The lmpossible Dream?

Vacate your room by noon tomorrow, or we'll put your stuff in the street.

RALPH: Can you believe that?

It's beyond all comprehension, Your Majesty.

But I have news that might bring you some cheer.

I doubt it.

It is my glorious duty to inform you... that you are the new... king of England.

DUNCAN: The duke of Warren... had a small dalliance with your grandmother Constance, who was a waitress at the hotel where he was staying.

One gastro death-dealer with onions, jalapenos, and Tabasco.

Thank you.

At any rate, Constance had a son, your father.

Since he and your grandmother are both dead, you are the only surviving royal heir in your line.

Even if I believed you, which I don't, I haven't got time to be king of England.

I got to get a job.

This is more than a job.

Maybe I'll put a band together, get back to playing rock 'n' roll.

But you can't refuse the throne. It's a sacred trust.

What does this sacred trust pay?

You don't get a salary.

I pay you, right?

You don't need money.

Everything's taken care of.

The king has a castle-- five castles, actually-- a fleet of cars, a yacht, a staff of servants.

Good God, the future of a nation's at stake!

You're good, Dunc. Real good.

Hmm.

Do you remember your grandmother at all?

RALPH: Connie? Yeah.

Do you remember a ring she wore?

Sure. She said she got it from some prince.

There's only one other like it, the duke of Warren's.

Was this the ring?

Holy shit.

Yes!

Yes! Ha ha!

Awoo!

RALPH: How long you think you'll be needing me?

I've never held a job for more than six months.

DUNCAN: A king is a king for life.

RALPH: No problem. My schedule's pretty open.

Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh Ahh Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh God save the king God save the king Rule Britannia God save the king

There it is, Your Majesty. Your new home.

RALPH: Which room is mine?

DUNCAN: Well, all of them.

God save the king God save the king Excuse me, Sir Cedric.

His Majesty is here.

Very good.

Allow me to introduce Our Sovereign Lord, Ralph Jones, king of Great Britain, Northern Ireland, and all her other realms and territories, head of the commonwealth, defender of the faith.

RALPH: How you doing?

How do you do, Your Majesty? I'm Cedric Willingham.

Glad to meet you, Ced.

Have you ever been to England before?

No.

But I have almost all the Rolling Stones' albums.

Well, then you're practically a native.

Dunc says you've been here 25 years.

You must be a hell of a typist by now.

I'm not that type of secretary.

My duty is to instruct you in the arts of sovereignty... to make you a king.

Look, my duties are mostly for show, right?

I hope you're not counting on me... to solve large national problems.

I don't have a lot of experience with that.

English law prohibits monarchs from solving problems.

Unfortunately, it doesn't prohibit you from creating them.

Good. That's a load off my mind.

So, where do we start?

Everywhere.

CEDRIC: Think of what name you'd like to use as king.

Edward and George have been popular this century.

RALPH: What's wrong with Ralph?

CEDRIC: It lacks a certain... majesty.

I can't really think of any notable Ralph.

RALPH: Well, sure.

Ralph Macchio.

Ralph Lauren.

Ralph Kramden.

This is extremely nice. Better than I'm used to.

CEDRIC: This is the picture gallery.

Many of the people in these paintings are your relatives.

That's the duke of Warren, your unfortunate grandfather.

You have his chin.

Hmm.

That's George III. You may remember him.

He was king during that temper tantrum... you call the Revolutionary War.

Sounds like sour grapes. We did kick your ass.

The loss is entirely yours, or rather, theirs.

Remember that you're an Englishman now.

RALPH: I still think they kicked our ass.

CEDRIC: Just a few quick questions... to probe your knowledge of English history.

RALPH: Fine.

When she failed to give him a son, Henry Vlll had Anne Boleyn...

Look into adoption?

Beheaded.

Jeez, this is a tough country.

Would this be to your liking?

I kind of like that.

That's an upholstery fabric, Your Majesty.

The English people don't generally like their monarch... to look like a sofa.

Ah.

These are traditional English dishes, some of which you will be served tonight.

Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding... bangers and mash... and the ever popular spotted dick.

Spotted dick?

Dick of what?

These are the bangers.

Sausages.

The spotted dick is a dessert.

Could I just have some ice cream?

Quite a first day, Your Majesty. I'll leave you to rest now.

This is Your Majesty's bedroom.

There you go, chief.

CEDRIC: Unfortunately, you do have the option... to redecorate your private quarters as you see fit.

Good. I got some ideas.

We'll put the velour industry on full standby.

Through there is your dining room.

Across the way, the bath.

Through here is your study.

And there is your dressing room.

Anything we've left out?

I don't know. How about a bowling alley?

CEDRIC: One other thing.

At your coronation four months hence, you will be required to wear the imperial state crown.

It's usually kept in the Tower of London, but we placed it near your bed... as a reminder of the eminence of your office.

It contains the Star of India, the world's second largest diamond.

You should practice wearing it to get used to the weight.

-Good evening, Your Majesty. -Thanks.

RALPH: Hey, Ced. CEDRIC: Yes?

What is it that a king does all day?

Scarcely a minute of your day is unaccounted for.

Nevertheless, what you do is not as important... as what you are.

What am I?

To be the king of England... is a responsibility like no other on Earth.

You must become a symbol... of all that is best about England.

An embodiment of our history, our culture, our morality, our pride of achievement.

In short, our ideal of civilization.

You must, in the harsh light of public scrutiny, exhibit all of our virtues and none of our shortcomings.

I thought all I was supposed to do... was dress up and wave.

I don't even know what our virtues are.

You will learn soon enough.

I'm afraid it's a god's burden to bear.

Unfortunately, it must be borne by a man.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

It's not enough to be king.

You must look and act like one.

We'll begin with the walk.

Imagine yourself to be the master of your domain... the leader of men.

Don't swing your arms.

Back straight.

Head up.

But relaxed.

-How am I doing? -Wait!

Aah!

It's an unmitigated catastrophe, Prime Minister, this song-and-dance man from the colonies.

It's the end of everything that we hold dear.

Please keep in mind... that Jones will need a certain period of adjustment.

He's American. He's impervious to adjustment.

Better that Parliament declare his line at an end... than subject England to this embarrassment.

Are you suggesting that we have no king at all?

Certainly not.

Simply choose a king from the House of Stuart, who reigned in glory before the Wyndhams, make theirs a royal line.

That would be your line, Lord Graves, making you next in line for the throne?

Yes, I believe it would.

Removing Jones would be a drastic measure... for Parliament to take.

He does have royal blood, no matter how badly diluted.

So until he commits some grievous error, we will simply have to live with him.

Well...

Yes.

I suppose so.

You really fell upstairs this time.

Too bad it's only going to last the rest of your life.

You called, Your Majesty?

Which one are you again?

Gordon, Your Majesty's page.

Yeah, Gordon, I was just wondering... if you could bring me something, anything.

Anything?

I've never had anybody bring me something before.

Certainly.

Perhaps an assortment of fine chocolates.

Got any Milk Duds?


Sir Cedric, Sir Cedric! The king's gone!

He just walked out.

CEDRIC: Why didn't anyone stop him?

GORDON: We tried, but he is the king.

DUNCAN: McGuire's with him.

CEDRIC: We've got to find him before the press does.

Think--you've just been made king of England.

Where's the first place you would go?

Our headliner, Miss Fannie Oakley!

Thank you, Fannie!

And now, a lady making her professional debut.

Straight from Las Vegas, Nevada, Miss Flamingo Mirage!

Yes, sir.

Brewer Street, Soho.

I will, sir.


I'm sorry. I can't do this.

M.C.: Moving along now, let's welcome that saucy southern belle...

RALPH: Hey there, Flamingo, hi.

Really unique show. Striptease without the nudity.

My name's Miranda.

The show was terrible. Who are you?

Ralph Jones.

You don't really have a Vegas accent.

I wouldn't know. I've never been there.

Oh! How embarrassing.

Why did I ever think I could do this?

RALPH: You got to remember to take a crossover step... before doing your spin-back, or you'll never make it for the hip reveal.

Girls have trouble with that the first night.

This is my only night. They sacked me.

Know anybody who'd want a tear-away dress?

One of the maids?

We should stay with the present uniform.

Phippsie, I didn't know... you went for this sort of thing.

I want you to meet Miranda.

-You guys work here? -Well, no.

Then what are you doing backstage?

It's OK. I'm the new king here.

The king of what, burlesque?

No. England.

That's not the proper thing to joke about.

I'm not joking. They hired me yesterday.

I could get your job back.

I don't want my job back. I want to get dressed.

This'll only take a minute. I'm new in town.

We could get together tomorrow night, maybe have a drink, discuss the country's mood--

Alan! He's the bouncer.

This is ridiculous. Nobody believes me.

We should print some cards.

-Alan! -I'll make you a deal.

If I prove that I'm king, you got to go out with me.

ALAN: What are you doing here? These friends of yours?

MIRANDA: No.

Don't you be touching him now, lad.

Have we got a deal?

Yes, all right, fine.

Coming here is the best thing I've done so far.

RALPH: Hiya, Ced.

I need hardly remind you... that this is not the preferred entertainment of royalty.

Sorry, Ced.

That's it, Your Majesty. Grip the bat.

Swing it vertically, not horizontally.

Unlike baseball, when the ball comes on the fly, in cricket, it hits the ground.

The bowler is trying to hit your stump.

If he does, you're out.

The better shot to learn is the forward defensive shot.

Bowler.

At first, Your Majesty, just try to block it.


Bowler.

Pitch a few up, bowler. Nice and slow.

It's out of here!

MAN ON TV: Although there's a sense of relief... in most quarters that a sovereign has been found, doubts remain as to whether the American-born king... is cut from the proper cloth.

Son of an itinerant pool player, the king's life, thus far, has been relatively free of achievement.

His mother is currently in prison...

Miranda Greene?

Yes.

I'm Lord Percival Graves. Have you a moment?

It is a matter of some urgency.

Do come in.

I understand you've met our new king.

Yeah, looks like I did.

And you made quite an impression on him.

Who said that?

Have you seen today's "Bugle"?

"Seventy-two percent of the people...

"see the ascendancy to the throne...

"by an American commoner...

"as a serious threat to the status of the monarchy."

What's this got to do with me?

You are in a unique position... to be of service to your country.

I'm sure that you are aware... that members of the royal family... are expected to maintain certain standards, particularly with regard to the company they keep.

Now... if the king of England were to become involved... with someone like you--

MIRANDA: Someone like me?

The pressure on him to abdicate would be considerable.

You're asking me to sleep with him?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Nothing like that.

I simply want you to spend time with him, to befriend him, nurture his burgeoning affection... until such time as a simple photograph can be taken-- a little snapshot of you together in public.

Forget it.

He is making a mockery of centuries of tradition.

We're on the brink of a national crisis.

I think we'll survive.

What's in this for you?

I'm prepared to make it well worth your while.

Thanks, but I don't need the money.

GRAVES: Ha.

What about your family?

What about them?

Your father and brother have been out of work... for almost a year, haven't they?

Such a tragedy, the demise of the steel industry.

My inquiries tell me... that their savings are completely dried up.

Debts are mounting steadily.

It's only a matter of time before the house is repossessed.

Get out.

I don't think you understand quite how much I'm offering.

Close the door.

Fifteen thousand pounds to start, and if you're successful, enough to ensure that you never have to worry about money... for the rest of your life-- you or your family.

Now, surely you're not prepared... to sacrifice their future... for the sake of an American usurper... that you don't even know?

I think not.

Tea?

[Clank]

Milk?

Sugar?

One lump or two?

Two for me. A little bonus, there.

So, will l--

What's on the agenda today?

CEDRIC: A word of advice.

When you meet the prime minister, say "How do you do?" rather than "How you doing?"

RALPH: No problem. How do you do?

Excuse me. I didn't sleep much last night.

I'm still on Vegas time, plus I haven't had a day job for four years.

I'm more of a night owl, but what the hell.

Your Majesty, may I present... the prime minister, Geoffrey Hale?

How do you do, Jeff?

HALE: It's a pleasure to meet Your Majesty.

RALPH: You can call me Ralph.

No, I'm afraid I can't.

Shall we sit?

I don't want to keep you long, Your Majesty, but there is a matter of some pressing national interest.

That's why I'm here.

As you know, there's considerable unrest... in the countries of Africa, resulting in the emergence of several new states.

Aha.

The first thing we're going to have to do... is buy all new globes.

Beyond that, I don't think we should rush into anything.

There's no problem that can't be ignored if we try.

Well, of these new states, Zambezi is the most important, owing to its recently discovered mineral wealth.

That's pretty much my feeling on it.

So we've decided to invite King Mulambon of Zambezi... to visit England on the 23rd.

I didn't know Zambezi even had a king.

They didn't until recently.

Mulambon is very anxious to legitimize himself... by rubbing elbows with the royal houses of Europe.

Your Majesty, we would be grateful... if you would host a reception for...him.

[Snoring]

You'll have to excuse him, Prime Minister.

He is more of a night owl.

Extraordinary fellow.

Could I have a word with you?

He simply won't do.

He's common, ignorant, and extremely ill-mannered.

The man's an orangutan.

God help us with the king of Zambezi.

[Singing] Well, be-bop a-lula She's my a-baby Be-bop a-lula I don't mean maybe--

CEDRIC: Your Majesty. RALPH: Yes?

Did you have a nice nap?

Guess the old jet lag caught up with me.

I'm ready now, though.

There's much to cover.

The new uniforms are ready, and I brought you some books-- one on English history, one on the lives of the monarchs, and a primer on etiquette.

-What's this? -Date night.

Where does a king go to eat some sushi?

CEDRIC: We have no time to arrange the proper security.

What, the Japanese are dangerous here?

CEDRIC: There are elements at large in the world... who might seek to harm the king of England.

What kind of harm?

Kidnapping you for ransom.

In some cases, even--

Even what, killing me?

Ced, I can't take too many more of these surprises.

Phipps just talked about castles and boats.

We didn't want to alarm you.

There's nothing to fear once precautions are taken.

You must accept some limitations... on your personal freedom and on your wardrobe.

So far, there are no royal luaus planned.

I still got to get this date in.

I am the king, right?

Very well...Your Maj.

MAN: With the king's special permission, Harry.

Go on through.

Miss Greene, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

You don't have to worry about that.

And, please, call me Ralph.

Oh, I'm sorry. I could never do that.

Yeah. God knows what could happen.

Well, I guess it's just the seven of us.

That was a lovely dinner.

I can't believe I'm eating in the Throne Room.

Yeah, well, Willingham wanted it to be intimate.

I asked Gordon for some music we could dance to.

Ah. Here's dessert.

Would you care for some spotted--

Dick?

Yeah.

I came to London to study design.

I tried exotic dancing... because I needed some extra money.

I went to night school for a bit.

When my dad lost his job, I started sending money home.

There wasn't enough left to go to school.

I don't know if I'll ever go back.

Something will break for you.

I've never done anything my whole life.

Look where I am. There.

-What's this? -What's what?

There's no such word as "yo."

I use it all the time. You don't have to look it up.

We're using the King's English.

If I say it, it's a word.

The Y's on a triple word score. I'm catching up.

Narrowed the gap to 164 points.

What?

I don't know.

You're not the kind of girl I'm used to.

You can spell, you wear clothes to work.

You just have more class.

I'm just a salesgirl from south London.

Doesn't count for much class down here, but it's nice of you to say so.

Our deal was one date, but could we extend it?

You don't really know me.

There are things about me you might not like.

Like what?

You're beautiful, you're smart, you're honest.

I should go.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Thank you.

[Door opens]

I'm sorry it took so long, Your Majesty, but I found you some music.

CEDRIC: Don't fall in love.

CEDRIC: It wouldn't work out. RALPH: Why not?

CEDRIC: As king, you are expected... to marry a woman of noble birth, particularly given your less-than-perfect breeding, and Miss Greene, fetching as she may be, does not qualify.

Your Majesty may remember... in 1936, King Edward fell in love with a commoner... and had to abdicate his throne.

The House of Wyndham can ill afford... another such disaster.

I just want to take her out.

With all due respect, it would be best for both of you... if you did not see Miss Greene at all.

But if you insist, it's imperative that you only see her at the palace.

Here's a poem to remember the order of kings. l, Il, III Eds, Richard Il, Henry IV, V, Vl, then who?

Edward IV, V, Rich the Bad, then Richard the Third, then Henrys Twice and Ed the Lad.

Mary, Lizzie, James the Vain, Charlie, Charlie, James again.

MAN: She's already seen him twice this week.

We could tip off the press next time she goes.

Have some photographers outside.

No, let's wait a bit longer.

Give him enough time to become hopelessly infatuated. Pull.

This is what I call a room.

Your Majesty, his most sovereign king, Mulambon of Zambezi.

Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom...

CEDRIC: And the commonwealth.

And the commonwealth for which we--no.

It's a great pleasure... to have you as our guest.

We hope you had a pleasant trip.

Oh, look, honey, see the swan?

MAN: Press the knees tight in. Sit back.

Grip with the knees.

Heels down. Heels down.

RALPH: Whoa! Whoa!

MAN: Your Majesty.

RALPH: Whoa, whoa. Whoa.


Hello. News desk?

I have something you might be interested in.

Oh.

Ooh.

DUNCAN: When in public, a royal personage must refrain... from chewing gum, using profanity, picking his nose, scratching his private parts, and staring down the bust lines of visiting female dignitaries.

That's everything.

CEDRIC: Good morning, Your Majesty.

RALPH: Hey, Ced.

CEDRIC: I have distressing news.

Miss Greene's presence here did not go unnoticed.

CEDRIC: Your Majesty, this gives you little choice... but to end your friendship with Miss Greene.

RALPH: What? I can't do that. I don't want to.

CEDRIC: We'll find you an exemplary consort, a woman of such distinction as to far exceed your standards.

RALPH: I like my standards down where they are.

RALPH: Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the United Kingdom, it's our pleasure to have you as our guest.

Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the people...

Come on, Ralph. Don't blow it now.

Don't worry, Your Majesty. You'll be fine.

[Door opens]

CEDRIC: Your Majesty, may I present His Royal Highness, King Mulambon of Zambezi?

RALPH: Hey, homes. What's happening?

Gimme a quintet, brother.

I do not comprehend, Your Majesty.

Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom...

Want to go get a beer?

Do you feel being king is tougher than you thought?

It is difficult sometimes, what with all the ceremonial duties... and official obligations, but I'm quite pleased... with the economic progress my country has made.

We are hoping to be the first in Africa... to market an automobile.

I might be in the market myself soon.

The Rolls just doesn't have much poop.

-Will it have fuel injection? -Oh, yes. Everything.

Five-speed transmission, rack-and-pinion steering.

Reclining buckets? Rear spoiler?

No, but it'll get excellent gas mileage.

Gas mileage is fine, but the first question car buyers ask themselves is, "Will this get me laid?"

Beautifully stated.

Ah! Well, looks like that's all she wrote.

Want to go again?

Yes.

RALPH: What was that, a five? MULAMBON: No, a three.

Isn't it on the line?

I plan to claim victory with this throw.

Careful not to foot fault.

If he gets anything better than seven, we're screwed.

Know where I can get a set of those?

I'll send you one.

I've been meaning to ask you, do they tell you who to date over there?

Of course not. I am the king.

Damn. I knew I was getting hosed over here.

I think he did well, considering.

It could have been worse.

Yes. He could have exposed himself.

[Ring]

Yes? The prime minister for you, sir.

Good afternoon, Prime Minister.

Yes.

Oh, really?

It's a strange world we live in, isn't it, sir?

Yes, thank you.

Good-bye.

The prime minister just spoke to King Mulambon.

The king said he couldn't remember... when he'd had so much fun.

Sherry?

Please. Yes.

King Ralph seems to have passed... his first diplomatic test with high marks.

The king's personal style, which had raised some eyebrows in official circles, is now being characterized as a breath of fresh air.

In other--

Congratulations, Your Majesty.

We were nervous when we decided to take a chance on you, but, uh...

I really did all right?

Yes, Your Majesty. Don't let it go to your head.

Today's breath of fresh air... can quickly become tomorrow's ill wind.

Nowthat that's over, I can take a vacation, right?

CEDRIC: Hardly. We will have to increase... your public appearances... in light of your growing popularity, and the ball season will soon be upon us.

You'll need dance lessons-- waltz, fox trot, even eights and reels.

I haven't had a day off since I've been here.

I can't go out, I eat alone, I live in a museum.

-You'll adjust. -I got no family, no sex life--

Good. Less chance for a scandal.

I don't see anybody that doesn't work for me.

I'm getting palace fever.

Are you telling me in your American way... that you are lonely?

Yeah.

Don't lose patience. We're working on the problem.

Good evening.

I'll give you guys one more chance.

Fetch!

CEDRIC: Sir Guy Cracknell, knight of the British Empire.

Ooh. Ooh, I'm sorry.

Oh. Are you all right? I got him. I got him good.

I'm sorry. Really, I'm terribly sorry.

I got to get out of here.

[Beep beep]

Your evening cocoa, Your Majesty.

RALPH: You haven't seen this, Gordon.

Haven't seen what, Your Majesty?

I really need a night out, Gordon.

There are easier ways.


Stay, boy.

Stay.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello.

Congratulations, my dear.

The king has broken out of the palace... and is at this moment on his way to you.

When he calls, meet him wherever he chooses.

There will be a photographer following you.

Make sure that he gets what he needs.

Good luck.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Miranda?

It's me--Ralph.

Am I glad to see you. People are looking at me funny.

-You're here alone? -Yeah.

There's something I've wanted to do.

Two Double Whoppers with fries and two giant Cokes.

Two Double Whoppers, two fries, two giants!

Got any money? I haven't been paid yet.

You know, you look familiar.

Aren't you--

Yeah, you are, aren't you?

You're the new king!

What, are you crazy?

What would I be doing here?

There's the king!

There's the king!

Could I have a burger, please?

RALPH: No. You got the wrong guy.

You got the wrong guy. I ain't him.

GIRL: Oh, please, Your Majesty.

All right, all right. One or two. One or two.

Your Majesty, here's a burger on the house.

I think I'll need a new burger.

MAN: Over here, Your Majesty.

RALPH: Maybe just one quick one.

Could you move a little closer together?

That's lovely.

Put your arm around him and give him a kiss.

Very nice.

-Why'd you do that? -We got to go.

The fries aren't ready.

MIRANDA: There's going to be photographers everywhere.

RALPH: How about onion rings? MAN: I've got your burger!

MIRANDA: You should get back to the palace now.

RALPH: I don't want to.

There's got to be someplace we can go.

MIRANDA: Well, maybe one.

MIRANDA: Two, three, four. Side.

Two, three, four.

Forward, two, three, four. Side.

RALPH: Hope you're not upset about this mystery woman thing.

MIRANDA: The girls at work said... it was probably some East End tart... trying to get her picture in the papers.

I wish we could meet again somewhere else... in different circumstances.

RALPH: Different circumstances?

We got the park. We got the lake.

We got the moon. We got the stars.

What else do we need?

MIRANDA: Yeah.

What? What is it, this commoner thing?

Edward Vlll and that Wallis broad?

That was 50 years ago.

This is the nineties.

We got to be able to work something out.

Anything's possible.

Not in England.

Not for royalty.

Don't say that.

I can't see myself making it here... without you, Miranda.


GRAVES: Now, this is exceptional.

You realize, don't you, that you're looking at the fall... of the House of Wyndham?

Before long, the House of Stuart will be restored... to its rightful place.

And you, Gordon, will be private secretary to the king.

Thank you.

GORDON: Excuse me, my lord.

A Miss Miranda Greene to see you.

Lord Graves.

What an unexpected surprise.

Here's your money.

All of it.

I'm just glad that I got out now... before any real damage was done.

GRAVES: You can't bluff me.

I know what you're after. You just want more money.

You're right. Then there'd be more to give back.

Come back here, you little strumpet!

Ah, I rather enjoyed that.

CEDRIC: Welcome to Windsor castle.

The prime minister will be here shortly.

He wishes to talk to you.

The peak goes to the front, Your Majesty.

HALE: Nowthat you've handled... the Zambezi reception so famously, we feel you can help with a matter of greater import.

I don't know whether you're aware of it or not, but Finland recently discovered large oil deposits... in their area of the Baltic.

One of our companies is bidding for the contract... to supply the platforms and drilling equipment, a contract that could create thousands of jobs.

Unfortunately, we're getting spirited competition... from the Japanese.

RALPH: They can cause problems. What are we hunting?

CEDRIC: I believe it's pheasant, Your Majesty.

HALE: At present, the competition is a tossup.

However, we have another ace.

The king of Finland is visiting here in two weeks.

-ls this gun loaded, Ced? -Yes.

You will host a royal banquet for him.

Banquet?

Yes. We won't get by on pretzels and beer this time.

The king will bring his daughter, Princess Anna, one of the world's most socially desirable women.

-Does that mean she's ugly? -Oh, far from it.

We're organizing a ball to followthe banquet... so that you two can get to know each other.

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

The beaters are approaching.

[Dogs barking, men whistling]

CEDRIC: Here they come, Your Majesty.

They're over.

Did I get one?

CEDRIC: Fortunately it's only a flesh wound.

If everything proceeds accordingly, this ball will lead... toward the royal wedding of the century.

Wedding? You mean her and me?

HALE: Yes, you and her.

You can't tell me who to marry.

Isn't being the king worth something?

That's why you must marry, to protect your birthright.

What about matters of the heart?

They must be subordinated to the good of the monarchy.

You're the last Wyndham.

A queen must be found to perpetuate the line.

Princess Anna is the best of the acceptable candidates.

You must put aside your personal desires.

A king's life is not always his own!

-You're serious about this? -Yes.

I got news for you.

My life is my own, and I can't take this anymore.

I got everything in the world here... and nothing I need!

No friends, no freedom, no fun!

In the States, I could screw up my life as I sawfit.

Shove this job down somebody else's throat, 'cause I quit! I'm out of here!

You'd walk out on the English people?

I told you I was the wrong guy.

It seems you're wrong for everything, Ralph.

Who you calling Ralph? It's Your Majesty.

Not anymore. You quit, just as you quit the bear scouts.

-Cub Scouts. -Little league, three colleges, and an assortment of jobs.

You're asking me to quit Miranda and any chance at a normal life.

No. That shirt is not yours.

I wasn't born to this royalty crap.

I can't accept these stupid restrictions.

What of the workers who will benefit from this contract?

RALPH: Maybe something else will come along.

You'd bet their future... for a woman you've known a few weeks?

You're asking me to marry a woman I don't know at all.

Think of something larger than yourself... to accept a significant responsibility for once... without beating retreat at the first difficulty.

England's throne is not a job... to discard when it conflicts with your bowling night.

This is hardly the first difficulty.

You've been destroying my fantasy for weeks.

It's up to you to embrace this situation as a challenge, or simply chalk it up as another failure, a monument to your own passivity.

It's time you made a stand somewhere for something.

If not now, then when?

There's no guarantee I'll even be attracted to this princess.

Then we'll get her a g-string and some pasties, but you must not shrink from your duty.

To refuse her now would be disastrous for England.

Your family, your government, and the people of England... are counting on you.

You owe it to them... and to yourself.

OK, I'll give it a shot.

Thank you, Your Majesty. You won't regret it.

I remain your humble servant.

[Sighs]

[Ring ring]

RALPH: Hello? MIRANDA: Hello, Ralph?

Miranda?

I have something to tell you.

RALPH: Yeah. I was just going to call you.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

RALPH: What? MIRANDA: I really wish I could.

You just have to trust me.

It's not a good idea.

Yeah. They're putting pressure on me over here, too.

-Could never have worked out. -Sure. I understand.

I guess we should just be glad for the time we had.

We did have a good time, didn't we?

Please don't think badly of me.

No. It just wasn't meant to be.

Yeah.

Good-bye, Miranda.

Bye, Ralph.

GRAVES: I have an errand for you.

GORDON: My Lord.

This is my invitation to the Finnish ball.

Make sure that Miss Greene gets one just like it.

-Of course. -And write this on the back.

-But, uh-- -Just do it.

[Train whistle toots]

[Military band plays]

DRUM MAJOR: Shoulder...arms.

Royal salute! Present arms!

Welcome, Your Majesty. On behalf of the United Kingdom, it's a pleasure to have you as our guest.

Thank you, Your Majesty. We're honored by the invitation.

-May I present Queen Katherine? -Queen Katherine.

And Princess Anna.

Princess Anna. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Allow me to introduce Prime Minister Geoffrey Hale.

HALE: Your Majesty.

HALE: Your Majesty. Your Royal Highness.

[Knock on door]

With His Majesty's compliments.

He also instructed me to give you this.

GRAVES: They'll be the toast of the continent.

GRAVES: Good evening, Your Majesty.

Lord Percival Graves.

I knowthat you will acquit yourself as famously... with the Finnish royals as you have with others.

One word of advice, if I may.

If things become too staid, too formal for you, don't hesitate to display that American flamboyance... for which you are so justly celebrated.

With your lustrous charm, I wouldn't be afraid to showthem who you really are.

Thanks. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Majesty.

MAN: His Britannic Majesty King Ralph I... and their Royal Majesties...

King Gustav and Queen Katherine of Finland... and her Royal Highness Princess Anna.


[Clang]


I am told you are a sportsman. My passion is polo.

No game like it for a gentleman.

If I ever get to be one, I'll take it up.

-Do you ever do any fencing? -Just a little when I was a kid.

Couple watches here and there.

The princess is quite lovely, isn't she?

Yeah, she doesn't say much, but she's what they call a fox.

I'm glad you find her so. Best wishes in your fox hunting.

Fox hunting? You like fox hunting?

I don't get around much lately.

I used to go out every weekend, one club or another.

Really? That often?

You must have collected several tails.

I admit I slept with a few, but I'm not like that anymore.

You can't be too careful.

Never know who they've been with.

No. I suppose not.

Once I had a steady girl, that ended it.

-She didn't like fox hunting? -Well, of course not.

-Anna isn't into it, is she? -Oh, yes. She loves it.

Most royals do.

Gustav, let the king eat. His guests are waiting.

Right.

Sorry. They don't feed the chickens enough over here.

RALPH: Ooh!

[Guests gasping]


Excuse me.

Bad luck. It could have happened to almost anyone.

I'd be better off if they'd let me do things my way.

All is not lost.

If things go well between you and the princess, everything will be forgotten.

RALPH: Shall we dance?

-You dance great. -Oh, thank you. So do you.

I'm sort of curious about what kind of things you like.

Oh, I don't know. Certainly the fine arts, the opera, the ballet, the symphony, and I love to travel.

Oh, yeah? Me, too. You ever been to Hoover Dam?

No. I missed that one. We prefer Deauville.

-Deauville? -France.

Daddy played in the Gold Cup there.

Then, of course, we went to Ascot.

-Oh, what country is that in? -England.

What do you say that we take a little breather?

-lt seems to be going well. -Yes.

We set a torrid pace in there.

Hope the rest of our life isn't this wild.

Nowthat we've gotten to know each other, our representatives can work out a schedule for our courtship.

I have travel commitments that have to be worked around.

I've been meaning to talk to you about this.

Don't you think we should have feelings for each other first?

It would be a charming bonus, but it's hardly necessary.

We are royals. We marry for the...position.

If I wanted to marry for love, I would have married Gunnar Jann back in Penike.

-Do you really want to marry me? -Well, I must admit, you'll require a bit more work than I'd hoped.

You're unsophisticated, ignorant, and lacking in social grace.

I am consoled with the fact that you have nice buttocks.

Beg your pardon?

As you were dancing, I drowned the memory of your behavior at dinner... with a vision of you bending me over the Queen Anne desk... in the white drawing room.

Wouldn't that be uncomfortable with all those pens sticking up?

Yes. Or best of all, you could strap me to the throne with strings of pearls.

I don't know. The servants might see us.

I would hope so.

KING GUSTAV: Ah! There you two are.

Come, Anna. You haven't danced with your father.

Coming, father.

How's it going, Your Majesty?

Great. We have nothing in common.

She'd like to have sex on a bed of nails.

At least the party stinks. I've got to liven things up.

Time for some of that American flamboyance.

MAN: Your Majesty.

I've got a number I'd like to do.

-You guys got a piano? -No, but we have a harpsichord.

Good enough. Let's go over the changes.


-You guys ready? -We'll try, Your Majesty.

Great. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome y'all to the ball again.

Is everybody having a good time?

As you may have read, I love music.

Since this is the biggest audience I've ever had, I'd like to play something for you, maybe pick up the tempo a little.

This is a sweet Little Richard Penniman tune.

[Feedback]

[Plays harpsichord]

Ah. Little rusty.

RALPH: Help me out here.

Thanks.

Coat was cramping my style.

[Singing] Good golly Miss Molly You sure like to ball Yeah, good golly Miss Molly You sure like to ball When you're rockin' an' rollin'

You can't hear mama call Well, from the early, early mornin'

To the early, early night You can hear Miss Molly comin'

And she's runnin' for her life Good golly Miss Molly Yeah, you sure like to ball When you're rockin' an' rollin'

You can't hear mama call

Well, good golly Miss Molly You sure like to ball Yeah, good golly Miss Molly Honey, you sure like to throw a ball When you're rockin' an' you're rollin'

You can't hear your mama call

Your majesty, one of the guests asked me to give you this.

[Singing] Yeah Good golly Miss Molly Good golly Miss Molly Good golly Miss Molly Wow, good golly Miss Molly Yeah, yeah Good golly Miss Molly Woooooow Good night

You've been a wonderful audience.

Thanks a lot, guys.

-What are you doing here? -What do you mean?

Who is this girl?

MIRANDA: Miranda. Who are you?

I'm Princess Anna, the king's future bride.

Future bride?

I see. Excuse me, I think I should be going.

Wait, Miranda. I can explain this.

GUSTAV: Anna, we are going.

ANNA: Who was that girl?

GUSTAV: He is not worth it.

[Crowd murmuring]

King Gustav, I'm sure His Majesty regrets--

In the wake of last night's disastrous royal ball, the Finnish government has awarded... its highly prized offshore equipment contract... to a Japanese firm.

King Ralph not only shocked his guests... with his rock 'n' roll gyrations, but further insulted King Gustav and Princess Anna of Finland... by parading with his so-called mystery woman, a former stripper named Miranda Greene.

Political leaders have banded together to condemn...

GRAVES: Never in recent times has a monarch so shamed... and embarrassed his country.

[Murmurs of approval]

Must we stand idly by and suffer the degradation... of our most sacred traditions... by this witless ivory tinkler from across the sea?

I say no!

[Exclamations of approval]

I say it is time to reclaim our heritage.

[Murmurs of agreement]

I say it is time to reclaim our national pride.

CROWD: Hear, hear!

I say it is time to reclaim our throne!

[Cheering and applause]

Sorry, Grandpa.

I could've made a mark for our side of the family, and I screwed it up.

Maybe I should have myself beheaded.


Tommie, this is Ralph. I need a favor.


-Mrs. Greene? -Yes?

Hi. Is Miranda here?

As I live and breathe! You're him, aren't you?

Just barely.

RALPH: I shouldn't have come, but I wanted to.

Parliament wants me to resign.

Hale agrees.

MIRANDA: Will you do it?

RALPH: I've never done anything important.

I usually bail out long before that.

I am the king, even if I shouldn't be.

I don't want to be the one who embarrassed the whole country... and had to crawl out the back door.

King Ralph the Chickenhearted.

What do you think?

I'm in no position to give advice.

I'm sorry about all the stuff in the papers, all the things they've been saying--

Ralph, there's something I have to tell you.

After we first met at the club, Lord Graves came to see me.

Graves?

He offered me money to help my family... if I would see you and compromise you in some way.

You went for it? You let him bribe you?

-To begin with. -I don't believe this.

Ever since I've been here, I had people saying, "Stay away from her. She's no good.

"She's the wrong class." I ignored them.

I kept telling myself everything's gonna work out... once they know you, once they find out how great you are.

And all along, you were setting me up!

What did they give you for the night in the park?

After that night, I gave Graves his money back.

I told him I was out. I didn't know about the photos.

Yeah, right.

That's why I said I couldn't see you anymore.

-lt would've been too dangerous. -I wish I could believe that.

I don't expect you to...or to believe that I've missed you.

I wish we could still see each other.

I was stupid. I was offered an easy way out of my problems, and I took it without thinking about the consequences.

I don't know what to think. I've been over my head here.

The only thing I was sure of was you.

You were England to me, Miranda.

[Knocking]

Come in.

You wanted to see me, Your Majesty?

Yes, Gordon, I'd like something.

Anything, Your Majesty.

No.

RALPH: Just an explanation.

I'll see what I can find out, Your Majesty.

Maybe you can find out why it's written in your handwriting.

I...don't know anything... about...anything.

Don't worry. It'll all come back to you.

-Hi. -Good day, Your Majesty.

-Your Majesty. -Got a second?

DUNCAN: Yes. It's been a disturbing day, hasn't it?

RALPH: Yes, but that's not why I wanted to see you.

I was thinking of something you said to me once.

Most things go in one ear and out the other, but this stuck with me somehow.

You said you were nervous when you first decided on me, or something like that.

-Did I say that, Your Majesty? -Yes, you did.

It's the word "decide" that got me thinking.

-Did it, Your Majesty? -Yes, it did.

-I'm the king, right? -Yes, indeed.

And as my assistant private secretary, you are sworn to give me whatever information...

I might need, aren't you?

-Yes, Your Majesty. -All right, then, Phipps.

'Fess up.

You wanted to see me, Your Majesty?

Yes, Ced. Come on in.

RALPH: Have a seat.

I've been talking to Dunc about something he said to me, and it came out that maybe there was another guy... in line for the throne besides me.

Is that true, Ced?

I'm afraid it is, Your Majesty.

Was his claim as strong as mine?

Almost, yes.

His great-grandfather had an unfortunate evening... with a parlor maid.

-So he was English? -Yes.

Then why wasn't he chosen over me?

He begged to be let off.

He insisted that he was undeserving... of such an exalted position.

In other words, you just couldn't face it.

Yes, Your Majesty, I couldn't.

CEDRIC: I didn't feel worthy, and I have no children to continue the line.

So I swore Phipps to silence... and decided to stay on as your private secretary.

Why? So you'd pick up a few pointers just in case?

I was determined to help you do the job so well... that " just in case" would never arise.

It's easier to whisper advice from cover... than to risk its merit at the point of attack.

I am sorry, Your Majesty, both for my deception and my cowardice.

I ought to be pissed, but what the hell.

I had nothing else going. I didn't get shot.

Plus, you are a relative.

Thank you, Your Majesty, for your tolerance.

Phipps, call the Prime Minister. I want to address Parliament.

-Parliament? -Parliament.


GRAVES: My lords, members of the House of Commons, His Majesty, Ralph l, by the grace of God, king of the United Kingdom... of Great Britain and Northern Ireland... head of the Commonwealth, defender of the faith.

Please be seated.

My lords and members of the House of Commons, I know it's unusual for a king to address Parliament, but I have some things to say, and I must say them firsthand.

As you all know, I've made some terrible mistakes lately-- mistakes which have shamed England... and cost its workers some badly needed jobs.

I have no excuse for my actions.

I know I can't undo what's been done.

I can only try to make up for it somehow.

With that in mind, I placed a call last night... to King Mulambon of Zambezi.

[Murmuring]

I am happy to be able to announce that Zambezi... will begin full production of Africa's first car... by the end of the year, and in a deal worked out with Prime Minister Hale, all of the engines will be built right here in England.

[Cheering]

Good thing we had him around.

The plan calls for the opening... of three new plants in the northeast.

In addition, Zambezi wants to buy &200 million worth... of English heavy equipment... to help in the mining of their vast national resources.

[Cheering]

Yeah!

As happy as I am about all this, it doesn't make up for my shortcomings as a king.

I have done my best to learn the ways of royalty, to try to be the kind of king you could be proud of.

But I'm afraid my best will never be good enough.

Too often, my personal instincts conflict with my obligations.

For that reason, I have decided to give up my throne.

[Murmuring]

But before I go, there are some things I want to set straight.

Ever since I became king, a member of this house has worked to discredit me, hoping that his family would return to the throne.

The so-called scandalous photographs you heard about... were taken and delivered to the king of Finland... by a man working for Lord Percival Graves.

This is an outrage, a vile piece of slander!

I demand to knowthe source of these accusations!

We have the confession of a royal page, Gordon Halliwell, who worked with Lord Graves.

I know no such man.

And several checks made out to the photographer, signed by Lord Graves, whose fingerprints were also on the photographs.

So? I sawthem at the ball.

RALPH: Scotland Yard found the negatives in his house.

[Murmuring]

By what right can you order my arrest?

By the Treason Act of 1702... forbidding interference with the proper succession of a monarch, enacted by--

[Whispering] Charlie, Charlie, James again.

William III.

CROWD: Shame! Shame!

Shame!

That's right! String him up, wanker!

I didn't bring this out to defend my behavior, but when I embarrassed England, it was unintentional.

Graves did it deliberately.

This is where my notes run out. I'll wing it from here.

[Chuckling]

When I first came here, I hardly knew where England was, but over the last couple of months, something has changed.

I'll always consider myself an American, but I've come to feel like I'm English, too.

I now realize how important a king can be to his people... if he's the right man.

I'm too set in my ways to ever be that man.

As an Englishman, I want all of us to have a king we deserve.

For that reason, tomorrow I'm turning over the throne... to Cedric Charles Willingham.

[Murmuring]

You'll be glad to know he's also a Wyndham... and a better, more qualified man than any nation could hope for.

And so to him I pledge my allegiance.

Long live Cedric l, by the grace of God, king of the United Kingdom... of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, head of the Commonwealth, defender of the faith.

God save the king.

ALL: God save the king!

I can't help it. I'm going to miss him.

CEDRIC: And one last thing.

There's been some discussion, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer... has suggested for your approval a healthy annual income... and a house in the country befitting your status.

RALPH: I don't know. I think I should stay out of royalty.

CEDRIC: You wouldn't have any official obligations, and I'm having this house equipped... with its own recording studio.

Maybe I should give this a little more thought.

I think so. After me, you're still the only Wyndham left, and there's still the matter of your investiture.

Well, I guess that about does it.

I know you'll do a hell of a job.

You got the breeding, you got the know-how.

You've practically been king already.

You'll probably have to work on your dancing, though.

And feel free, you know, to change the decor.

Just a dab here and there.

Anyway, I want to thank you for everything you did for me.

I couldn't have made it without you.

And you, too, Dunc and Tommie.

It's I who should be thanking you.

You showed me howto be a king.

Me? I was a lousy king.

On the contrary.

You are a good and decent man, and you've acted honorably.

I shall try to follow your example.

Thank you, Ced.

RALPH: Don't forget the crown.

You'll want to practice wearing it to get used to the weight.

-So long, Tommie. -Good luck, Your Majesty.

-So long, Dunc. -Good-bye, Your Majesty.

So long, Your Majesty.


[Women talking softly]

Excuse me.

What do you say we start over again?

MAN: Sir Ralph Jones.

I proclaim you Ralph Hampton Gainsworth Jones, third duke of Warren.

[Singing] Duke, duke, duke, duke of Earl Duke, duke, duke of Earl Duke, duke, duke of Earl Duke, duke, duke of Earl Duke, duke, duke of Earl Duke, duke, duke of Earl Duke, duke, duke of Earl, duke, duke As I walk through this world Nothing can stop the duke of Earl And you, you are my girl And no one can hurt you No, no Yes, I know I'm gonna love you

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl

'Cause I'm the duke of Earl