King's Ransom (2005) Script

Yeah, yeah Gotta go and shout out I have a lot of money, darling

`Cause the girls all liKe a movie star How you livin`, Cal?

Livin` liKe a King WaKe up, Chicago. This is your morning man... getting you up and on your way... at 8:10 in the A.M. On WPJW, 98.5 Now listen up. Do you need some money?

Well, you just might win it with the lottery.

It`s up to $71 million.

Tell you something... I got my ticKet. How about you?

On the serious tip... you heard about MarK Wilson... the little 10-year-old boy that was Kidnapped?

Well, we`ve got no news yet... but when we Know something, you`ll Know something.

Updates coming later on at noon.

So Keep it right here on WPJW, 98.5.

Damn, l`m pretty.

King Since I got this money And it`s mine, let me flaunt it How you livin`?

L`m livin` liKe a King, whoa

Malcolm King`s office.

Ha ha ha ha! Miss Gladys... l`m pulling into the office in two minutes, all right?

Have my messages and my coffee ready!

Malcolm, turn that music down!

No, l`m not gonna turn down my music!

Miss Gladys, this is my song!

Malcolm...

Yeah, yeah Uh-huh, yeah Well, well I wanna flaunt it, yeah Mr. King, sir. How are we feeling today, sir?

Rich. Hey, Andre, Benz is a little dusty, man.

Wash it for me.

Your car is in perfectly good hands.

MaKe sure you don`t scratch it.

JacKass.

Hey, Mr. King. Yes, that`s me.

King Enterprises Limited. Please hold.

Mr. King...

Hey, Charles. Give me a half hour, OK?

OK.

Good morning, Mr. King.

Hey, how`s my poor little rich girl today?

Tell me, how does it feel... to have to worK for a living now, huh?

Mr. King, worKing here isn`t liKe worKing at all!

Ladies. Good morning, ladies.

JacKass.

I have some feedbacK from the photo shoot today.

OK, one minute. One minute. Two words... biKini wax.

LooKed liKe you had a midget holding a fistful of twigs.

He`s not talKing about me. Oh!

Morning, Miss Gladys.

Morning, Malcolm.

Mmm. ThanK you.

Miss Gladys...

I need you to transfer 135,000 to my personal account.

L`m taKing delivery of that Ferrari today.

What did I tell you, Malcolm? No way.

But it`s my money!

And it`s because of me Keeping my eye on it... that you have any left.

You`re just gonna have to drive one of your other five cars.

Here are your messages.

ThanK you.

Oh. Peaches, who`s on line two?

Peaches?

Peaches, who is on line two?

Pea... Ange, I forget.

Oh! Great. They hung up.

So, nothing from Andrew Ross, huh?

Ahem. No.

Damn it.

LooK, if we don`t close this deal now... l`m gonna have to wait another six weeKs.

He`s about to go on this stupid hot-air balloon... around-the-world expedition.

You Know, white folKs is crazy. But their money is sane.

Whoo! Their money is sane.

You are about to give a big old party... celebrating the tenth anniversary of your company.

Why would you want to sell it off to some spoiled rich Kid...

IooKing to cash in on what you`ve built?

Because that spoiled rich Kid... is about to give me 25 million for my company... so you damn well better start warming up to him.

``Damn well``?!

What did I tell you about your mouth, boy?

You Know I don`t liKe no cussin` up in here.

Cuss again, l`ll hit you upside your head.

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Your wife`s lawyer agreed to have the meeting... in the conference room here tomorrow.

So... you finally decided to divorce the bitch, huh?

The bitch... is history.

Ow! What?!

What did I tell you about your mouth?

But you just said the same thing, Miss Gladys!

Well, if I jump off a bridge, you gonna jump off one, too?

Lt`s not going so good with Peaches, huh?

Ohh...

If this were a strip club or an airhead convention.

The last time I checKed, we were a marKeting firm.

This is a place of business.

We got worK to do.

Angela, all God`s children deserve a chance.

Her dumb ass deserves the boot!

OK, that`s not nice.

``Not nice``? Get... l`m gonna tell you what`s not nice.

It`s Malcolm King forcing me to hire another one... of his incompetent little hoochies as my assistant.

I Know.

I can`t stand Malcolm King... and King Enterprises.

But if I wasn`t a locK for that V.P. Position...

I would be out of here so fast.

Oh, I Know. I deserve the promotion anyway.

L`ve been doing the damn job for the past few months.

L`ve got a master`s degree from Yale.

Yale. And 10 years of experience.

I just got the car of my dreams...

I closed escrow on a pretty three-bedroom.

I mean, my apartment is pacKed up already.

L`ve got to get that promotion.

Do you want me to say a prayer for you?

Not now.

I don`t want you to taKe this the wrong way...

Yeah?

But ever since you got saved... you`ve been a little... extra with the God stuff.

Extra?

Extra.

My Jesus piece? Yeah.

I just got it. It`s great, right?

Why is this happening?

My milKshaKe brings all the boys to the yard Guys, scram!

Peaches, don`t you have some worK to do?

I finished my coloring.

Marco, taKe my coat.

TaKe my coat.

Yeah, you did a good job on this, man... but I thinK you need to get the bacK.

Ahem. Yeah.

That`s a nice ride you got there.

What does the ``King`` stand for?

That`s my last name.

Ah, really? So, what`s your first name?

Malcolm.

Mmm.

Corey, get up here!

Coming, Granny.

$300, and you got all those wonderful things.

And l`m going to show you...

MaKe yourself useful. Go picK me up a pacK of smoKes.

Hand me my massage pillow, will you?

Right now, tonight.

But now we`ve got to get two traders... who will risK what they`ve already won...

Here you go. OK?

...sofa and color TV worth 2,190... and they`re ready to go.

Unh!

What`s the matter, big brother? Ain`t you glad to see me?

Yeah. No! What are you doing, Raven?

I thought you were still in prison for armed robbery.

Yeah, well, I was until I broKe out this morning.

Ahh! Ahh! Hey! Listen.

I need you to get me money.

Enough to buy me a Mexican vacation.

I don`t have any money, Raven.

I Know that, loser.

I got a plan, and I need your help.

Well, whatever your plan is, I don`t want any part of it.

Shut up. You`re gonna do exactly what I tell you to do.

You been hearing about this little boy who got Kidnapped?

Yeah. Well, that`s the plan.

You`re gonna help me Kidnap some...

No, no, l`m not Kidnapping anybody.

Then you better figure out a way to turn no dollars into $10,000.

L... $10,000? There`s no way I can do that.

LooK, if I get caught again, you`re going down with me... and we both Know you won`t last one second in prison.

Raven...

Ten grand, Corey.

L`ll be in touch.

Give me Malcolm.

Hold on.

The bitch is on line one.

Damn it! OK.

You want me to stop?

Oh, no, baby, Keep going.

Uh, Renee, what`s up?

What do you want?

Miss Gladys?

Miss Gladys, there is nobody on line one!

I thinK I accidentally hung up on her.

Mmm! Oh, get bacK to worK, baby.

Mmm! Hot damn! Whoo!

Malcolm King`s office.

You hung up on me, you old witch.

Call me that again, and I will snatch... every bit of faKe hair out of your nappy head.

Just do your job and get Malcolm.

Gold-digger. Hold on!

Oh!

She`s on line one.

What do you want, Renee?

Ah, there you are.

Must you cancel all of my credit cards?

What am I supposed to do for money?

Hell if I care. Ha ha ha ha ha!

That sounds embarrassing.

Where were you when they canceled... all of your credit cards? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha. Laugh all you want to now... but we`ll see who`s laughing after the divorce... because my lawyer assured me that I will be getting... a very lucrative divorce settlement... very lucrative.

At least half, maybe more.

And just liKe sex with you after two minutes... this conversation is over.

Ah!

Uh-oh.

I Know he`s gonna try something slicK... to get out of paying me.

Don`t you have some worK to do?

L`m... finished with the pool.

I wasn`t talKing about... the pool.

You must thinK that I have very poor eyesight, Counselor.

Your list of marital assets has several glaring omissions... most notably, King Enterprises.

And its holdings.

For the one hundredth time, Anita...

King Enterprises Limited... is the sole ownership of Malcolm King... and I will not... we will not stand by... and watch it be broKen up out of spite.

Your food`s here. Oh, thanK you.

Oh, let me guess...

Kung pao chicKen without vegetables... not too spicy, all white meat... with extra fortune cooKies.

He gets the same thing all of the time.

Bo... ring.

Can we offer you ladies anything?

No, thanK you. L`m not hungry.

Oh, hell.

Why don`t I just taKe half of Malcolm`s food anyway?

Note that.

LooK, Counselor, Renee has been with Malcolm... since the very beginning of King Enterprises... and deserves a half a share of the company.

What? Hell, I deserve all of it.

You said so yourself. When?

Find that little thing.

Please.

Ah, here is it.

``My dearest Renee...

``everything I have built, I built for you.

``Love always, Malcolm. ``

Ooh. Poetry.

It`s a greeting card, man.

I was drunK when I wrote it... and she was butt-naKed on the floor. What?

We are seeKing the primary residence... as well as one of the vacation homes.

L`ve already gone ahead and had the laKe house appraised.

The details are inside.

Now, as far as preliminary meetings go... it wasn`t so bad.

I need that money, Anita.

This hair does not grow on trees.

Hello?

Hi. Hi, Mrs. King.

LooKs liKe we`re gonna have to do this the hard way.

You Know, l`m just gonna call you Renee.

No, you won`t.

What? Well, this is disastrous.

What`s wrong?

Another divorce case that l`ve been worKing on for months... but my client neglected to tell me... that she has been having an affair.

Mm-hmm.

And guess what? The judge found out.

I sure hope the sex was worth it... because she just cost herself millions.

Ooh.

So, you just gonna let them waltz outta here liKe that, huh?

I can`t maKe them taKe our offer, Malcolm.

Listen... listen to me. There is a very real chance...

Renee could walK out of this with half of King Enterprises.

That... that valentine was brilliant, man.

David. David!

I will handle it myself.

Malcolm, I Know that looK.

I Know that... Do not do anything crazy.

Do not.

ThanKs for nothing, David. See yourself out.

Malcolm.

Malcolm.

Malcolm!

OK, let me rocK you steady, ma Dollars don`t fall, man, it`s not confetti This ain`t a punchline, battle rhyme, lunch line This is just to get you twistin` up your body one time If not one time, do it two One, two, three, shoot.

Sorry.

Oh. Oh, thanK you.

Andre, right? Yeah.

Oh, good. I need to asK you a favor.

Whassup, whassup, whassup?

Oh, well, oh...

I was hoping you could wax this real good for me... and try not to leave any scratches.

Hey, well, you Know, whatever you`re into, baby.

So, you`re gonna hooK me up?

Hell, yes.

Oh! Ha ha ha! You`re so sweet.

Um, l`ll call and set up a time with you later.

And don`t worry.

L`ll definitely maKe it worth your while.

Oh. Mwah.

ThanK you. Hee hee hee hee!

Keys, Keys.

Oh!

I forgot.

Yo!

Oh, Andre? Yes.

Are my stripes crooKed?

9:15.

Oh! ThanK you.

My rump shaKe`s in demand I Know you liKe it, watch your hand Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Yes, I can Somebody parK the car.

Good morning, Miss Gladys.

Good morning. Oh, you made the front page.

What?

Mm-hmm.

That little punK.

He told me this wasn`t supposed to run... until a weeK from Sunday.

This is just gonna give Renee more ammo... and my blacK ass is the target.

Malcolm King.

Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.

Good-bye.

Heh heh heh heh.

Ohh.

Oh, my God. What`d she say?

Oh, my God! Malcolm, Malcolm, stop that!

Malcolm!

Pull yourself together now. Straighten up.

L`ll be in my office.

Be the burger.

What`s up, bro?

Get a real job!

ThinK fast.

Corey, buddy.

Mind if I join you?

You Know, son, they say with great power... comes great responsibility.

Oh, sure, everyone thinKs being shift manager is all glory.

And it is.

But there are also times... when l`m forced to maKe the tough calls... times liKe these.

You`re firing me?

Yeah, l`m firing you.

You see, your energy level is just not where it used to be... and as the team leader...

I need everyone to be really into their jobs.

TaKe Pablo here. Now, here`s a guy... that`s taKing the world by the buns, you Know?

Right, Pablo?

Because you`re no longer an employee here...

I can`t comp your shift meal.

Hey, Pablo, you`re up. Be the burger.

All right, everyone, bacK to worK.

Let`s go. Come on. Keep it rolling.

I have a very important announcement to maKe.

As all of you Know, for the past few months...

Angela DraKe has stood in... as acting vice-president of marKeting... while l`ve had to decide... who`s going to fill that position permanently.

Well... as of today she`s no longer acting.

Mmm!

My recipe for a successful company?

Use the best ingredients.

Hire the best people for the job... and allow them to do what they do best.

This woman has continually helped me rise to the occasion.

Ladies and gentlemen... our new vice-president of marKeting...

Miss...

Angela, could you step to the side, please?

What?

Step to the side, please. Please.

Miss Peaches ClarKe.

Round of applause, everyone.

Miss Peaches ClarKe.

Me?

Oh!

Congratulations. You deserve it.

Oh, you guys! This is amazing!

Why are you clapping? Stop clapping.

Sit down! This is totally ridiculous!

You`re out of your mind! I can`t believe this!

Peaches? What? Angela...

You have lost your mind.

What? Peaches?

What Kind of name is Peaches? Lt`s a bushel of fruit.

Angela, you need to calm down.

What seems to be the problem?

Me, 10 years.

Is there something you`d liKe to say?

Peaches? I can`t believe...

Yes, Mr. King, I got... I got something to say.

Yeah. I have a recipe for you.

OK? Lt`s called Kiss my ass sandwich.

And you Know what the ingredients are? Huh?

Lt`s your crusty lips... and my blacK ass.

Damn. Oh, my goodness.

There is something else l`d liKe to say.

I quit!

Well, somebody must be on their rag today.

Oh, l`m early! L... l...

Oh, no, no, no. No, baby. Let`s go to my office... and talK about your new V.P. Job.

L`m a V.P.! LooK at me!

L`m excited!

Hey! Mr. King, hey. I read in the newspaper... how you turned $1 into $15 million.

You can help me do that, turn $1...

You Know what? You could help me turn $1 into $10,000.

And I Know you could do it, because you`re a genius.

I inspire people a lot. ThanK you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You Know what?

There`s a spot for me in King Enterprises.

It`s OK. There`s a spot for me in King Enterprises.

High... highly motivated, grab life by the horns.

Just liKe you did. That`s me.

And I have vocational sKills that could benefit you greatly.

You Know, son, they say you can tell... everything about a man by the shoes that he wears...

And your shoes sucK. And this right here... is the closest that you`ll ever be to $15 million.

Now, that was funny.

Yes, it was. Ha ha ha ha!

Where you going? Hey. Ho.

What?

May I help you?

Yes, I hope you can. I was wondering... how much you could give me for all these tools.

I give you 200 for everything.

Oh. Is there any way you can go a little higher?

L`m... l`m Kind of in a jam.

So, you pretty desperate?

I am so desperate.

100. You just said 200.

No, I didn`t.

Give me the hundred.

Billionaire Andrew Ross... said good-bye to solid ground today... when his hot-air balloon tooK off for the Arctic Circle.

Amy Russell has footage at 10:00.

And now the winning numbers...

Shh. She`s about to picK the numbers.

Gambling is sinful, ladies.

Get your ticKets ready.

Ooh, ooh, here it is, baby. It`s number time.

Tonight`s winning lottery numbers are...

Three...

Three. Seven...

Seven. Eleven...

Eleven. Nineteen...

Twenty-two... Twenty-two.

And forty-one. Hope this was your lucKy night.

No!

And this just in.

Finally, a happy ending to the Kidnapping saga... of little MarK Wilson.

He was safely returned to his parents...

Oh, shut up.

After they conceded to the Kidnappers` demands... and paid a $5-million ransom.

Still, the Kidnappers remain at large... and authorities have few leads.

You Know, Bill, that`s a lot of money.

Huh. Damn right, it is.

That`s it. That`s it. I Know what we`re gonna do.

I Know what we`re gonna do. I Know what we`re gonna do.

Oh! Oh!

I want you to Kidnap him.

K-K-Kidnapping?

That`s right. I want you to Kidnap his ass.

But why would you Kidnap yourself?

To Keep Renee from getting my money.

Just in case this divorce settlement... does not worK out in my favor...

I want to maKe sure that I get some money.

And you Know what the best part is?

What? I won`t be in any real danger.

You want to Know why? Why?

Because l`m gonna hire the man to Kidnap me myself.

Oh. Ooh, Malcolm, you`re a genius.

Have you lost your mind?

No. Angela DraKe...

Someone has got to teach Malcolm King a lesson.

I mean, he can`t Keep treating people liKe dirt.

In fact, we`ll do it tomorrow night.

T-t-t...

Yes, yes, yes. Tomorrow night at the party.

Damn.

There`ll be witnesses there.

But what if they see everything?

That way, it will looK real.

Oh. I thinK I got it.

L`m gonna draw you some pictures.

What if you get caught?

Caught? We`re not getting caught.

I mean, these fools that Kidnapped this little boy... didn`t get caught, and I don`t thinK any of them... had a master`s degree from Harvard.

Yeah, well, mayb...

Wait. I thought you went to Yale.

I did undergrad at Yale.

Do you Know how humiliated my parents would be... if I was implicated in a Kidnapping?

You can`t thinK about them. Exactly.

L`d be liKe Patty Hearst, but with way better hair.

Yes. Now you`re talKing.

You two are seriously talKing about Kidnapping someone?

We`ll tape his mouth. No.

Malcolm King can`t talK. We`ll tie him up.

We`ll tie his hands, we`ll tie his feet... and we`ll jiggle him.

We`ll just shaKe all that blubber... and we`ll just maKe him beg.

Tomorrow...

Malcolm King... is getting Kidnapped.

Capisce?

L`ll see you tomorrow night, Malcolm King.

Ha ha ha! Fun.

Oh! Aah!

Malcolm, baby, come to bed.

Uh-uh. Not right now, baby. L`m almost finished.

L`m almost finished.

Ah. Not for nothing, baby... this has got to be the best Kidnapping plan ever.

Hmm. LooK at this.

L`ll be last seen at around 11:00 P.M., right?

Mmm.

OK, l`ll be bacK in a minute. Ha ha ha!

Oh, and then l`m grabbed outside the benefit at 11:00.

LooK, you see that? Boom, right?

And then l`m taKen to the secret location.

Now, just to throw people off... a ransom note will be sent to my gold-digging wife... demanding $10 million for my safe return.

Uh-huh. And it`s gonna contain all the usual stuff.

You Know, don`t contact the police... or the media... blah, blah, blah... because if you do, we`re gonna Kill him.

Hmm. Yes. Now looK at Renee.

When she hears this... she probably gonna start celebrating.

Then she`ll remember that I cut her out of my will.

Ooh!

And then it sinKs in.

No Malcolm, no money.

Ha ha! Wow.

So now she has to call the only person... that has access to my money. Bam! Miss Gladys.

And you Know Miss Gladys would never let... a hair on my pretty little head be harmed. Ha ha!

So, Miss Gladys maKes the drop.

Ooh. Ooh. Hmm. This is my favorite part, baby.

Renee... how she lives afterwards.

She slides into a soul-deadening spiral... into the bottom of the deep bowels of the earth.

LooK, and then she livin` in Tent City... by the freeway in L.A. By the Staples Center.

That`s her living in a tent. LooK at her.

LooK at her, looK at her. LooK at her.

It`s flawless, baby.

It`s... it`s amazing.

Except... Except what?

Except...

I need somebody to actually grab me outside of the benefit.

Somebody that the police could never connect me to.

Mmm.

A disposable dumb-ass to taKe the dive.

But who?

What about my brother?

Huh?

L`m picKing him up tomorrow. He could use the worK.

He`s had trouble holding down jobs in the past.

Heh. Your brother.

What`s he liKe?

Oh, he`s... he`s super-smart.

He`s a real sweetheart. Everyone loves him.

Nothin` can stop me now ClicK-clacK, then all you hear is pow...

Heh.

Ahh.

Call me the riser `cause I stay with the heat lmagine, if you will, your worst nightmare Mobbin` through your hood, your life is in danger lmagine, if you will, your worst nightmare Bang on the catwalK, slicK with the gun talK

Oh! Guess what?

I got a way you can maKe some big money... but it`s a top-secret plan... which means you can`t tell anyone.

So, it`s too bad your Mercedes got stolen... and we had to taKe a cab tonight.

I Know, right?

ThanKs for paying for it. Appreciate that.

LooK, when we`re in this party... a lot of people in there gonna be calling me Andre... and that`s because, you Know...

I tell my employees, ``Call me Andre. ``

I don`t liKe my employees calling me Malcolm.

I understand.

You can`t let your employees get too familiar.

You are so smart. ThanK you very much.

Andre, hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Well, do you remember what we talKed about earlier?

Hell, yeah.

Oh, good. Well, I Know we already set up a time... but I was hoping we could do it a little bit sooner.

You just tell me when, and l`ll be ready.

Oh! I love him!

Yeah.

I guess l`ll see you then.

Yeah. ThanK you.

You`re so welcome.

OK. See you later.

Bye. Bye.

Over here, baby.

Damn.

Ohh.

Ahem.

Hello?

Malcolm.

Malcolm! What`s your problem?

You disrespect me liKe that, staring at her booty?

L`m standing right beside you. How could you do that?

Why you trippin`? Ain`t nobody starin`... at that fine, apple-bottom, jelly-shaKin`... l`m trippin`. Just want to bite it.

Am I crazy? Huh?

Am I some crazy lady standing out here, crazy?

Seeing things that didn`t really happen?

Is that the problem? You Know what?

Don`t even say anything. You Know why?

L`ve had enough of this. You can`t handle this anyway.

L`m out. OK, be on out, then.

Ain`t nobody tryin` to mess... with Miss Hand Signals in the first place.

Keep it movin`!

Excuse me, baby. Um...

That your man over there?

Oh, hell, no. Malcolm King is not my man.

Oh, Malcolm... Malcolm King?

That`s who you was talKing to?

That`s what I said.

Excuse me.

You`re excused, baby. Yeah.

Well, Malcolm King, uh... it`s time for you to taKe a nap.

Nighty-night, Malcolm.

Ha ha ha ha!

Welcome!

Welcome and thanK you for coming out... to King Enterprise`s tenth anniversary celebration!

Come on!

Everybody, let`s eat, celebrate, and have fun!

Good to see you. Good to see you.

Good to see you.

All right, all right.

ThanK you, thanK you.

Excuse me, excuse me. Coming through here.

You guys enjoy, all right?

DrinKs on me!

Ohh. L`m... l`m feeling Kind of tired right now... so I thinK l`m just gonna call it a night... and, uh... go home and get some sleep.

All right. Well, l`ll call around... for the limo driver to bring your car around front.

OK? All right.

You get some rest. Good night.

All right, baby. Good night. All right.

Hey, thanKs for coming out tonight, man.

Excuse me.

All right, enjoy.

Is your brother outside?

Oh. He was when I last checKed.

Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen... l`m leaving. Uhh! Mmm! Whoo!

Lt`s 11:02, and, uh, boy, am I tired.

So, uh, ladies and gentlemen, just enjoy the party.

L`m just gonna go home and taKe a nap... escorted by no one.

Have a good night. Bye. Enjoy!

What`s up, man? ThanKs for coming out.

All right, ladies. Let`s go.

All right, let`s go! Now!

Adios! Um... oh, it`s 11:02!

Byron. Uh...

Don`t screw this up, Byron. Listen to me.

All right.

Enjoy the party, ladies. Enjoy the party.

All right. Hey, brother, have fun, man.

Byron! You better stop that limo.

He called for a limo. I am not playing with you.

Mmm.

Uhh!

Where the hell is the limo?

Hey, you all right?

You OK?

D-d-d-d-don`t m-m-m-move.

Ow!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

OK.

You all set? Yep.

Whatever!

OK, l`m ready.

OK. You all set? Yeah.

What is that?

Oh, I brought this because I thought... we could maybe use it for something.

No. What in the hell are you wearing?!

Angela, you told me to wear all blacK.

You did say that.

No. Everybody Knows she loves Jesus.

Put this on. He`s gonna Know it`s you.

There he is. Oh. There`s the limo.

Bring your ass here.

Enjoy the party, ladies. Enjoy. All right.

Where the hell you been, man?!

Uh...

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Where the hell you been, man?

L`ve been standing out here freezin` my ass off.

L... l... l...

``l... l... l... `` Spit it out!

Sh-shut up and g-g-get in.

Oh. Oh, I see. That`s a good touch, man.

You want people to see me get Kidnapped.

OK, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Help! Help! L`m being Kidnapped!

Open the door.

Open the door, stupid.

Ha ha. Help me!

Help me!

OK, now push me in. Push me... push me in!

Uhh!

OK, they`re on the move.

They`re on the move, ladies. This is it.

Here we go, here we go, here we go!

Man, what happened out there, huh?

You almost blew it.

And what happened to the chloroform?!

Mm...

But the gun...

Ahh, the gun was a nice touch. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now taKe me to the hotel. My blacK ass is tired.

D-d-d...

``D-d-d-d-d-d, d-d-d-d-d-d-d... ``

Just shut up and taKe me to the hotel!

JerK.

Heh heh.

Hello, 9-1-1?

Help!

Please help me!

Oh, help me, help me!

L`m being Kidnapped...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Whoo!

I love it when a plan comes together.

Ahh!

That`s what l`m talKin` about. Mmm!

Best of both worlds, let me Kiss on it, uh After that, l`m gonna lay you down flat...

That little tricK, with your tongue ring

What the...

N-n-n-no!

Hey, s-s-stutter box!

What the hell are we stopping here for, huh?

Perfect. Everything`s going according to plan.

You did that?

Yeah. I tinKered with the engine a little bit.

Hey! Hey! LooK, man, I ain`t got all night... to be sittin` out here on the side of the road with you!

Get me to the Terrance Hotel!

Didn`t want to do this...

Huh?

Stop what you`re doing. Get in the trunK.

Get in the trunK!

But... but... but... but...

No, no!

Hey, what`s the holdup?

Are you deaf? What`s the holdup?

Get out of the car, jacKass!

Ain`t gonna be too many more of those jacKasses, all right?

And what`s up with this masK all of a sudden?

Oh, I get it.

I see. We`re switching vehicles... just in case we were being followed.

And the masK is so nobody can identify you.

Oh! Smart. That`s smart!

Damn, y`all planned this out good!

OK, who the hell are they, huh?

Let me maKe something clear, all right?

I don`t care what y`all talKed about... but I ain`t payin` y`all no more money.

So whatever y`all gettin` right now... y`all just gonna have to split three ways.

Hey.

Hey. Come on, give me this.

Oh!

Now, come on, everybody get in the car.

I got to go.

Move your asses! I got to go!

Help! He-help!

Oh! Ooh!

Aaaaaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Ohh.

Ohh.

Oh! Ooh.

Are you all right, Mr. King?

Nighty-night.

Hey, what`s going on here?

One second. There you go. Ohh!

What in God`s name is going on here?

You`ve made a mistaKe, sir. That`s our property.

LooK. All right?

Aah! Oh! OK.

I don`t want to hurt anybody, honest.

I just want him.

Yeah. OK.

Go around, hop in.

Oh, we`re going to hell.

Ooh!

Hello?

Condoleezza, J-Jesse JacKson...

Colin Powell showed up and... and...

I lost him. L`m sorry, l`m sorry.

What do you mean, you l-lost him?

L... l... How did you l-lose him?

B-b-b-but l`m sorry, l`m sorry, l`m sorry.

Where are you?

L-locKed in the limo trunK.

Where the hell is he?!

Come on. It`s OK. It`s all right.

Watch your Knees. All right.

There you go. Come on. Whoa.

Careful. There you go.

Come on. OK. All right.

Where am I, man, huh?

You`re at my house.

Hey, hey. Who... who are you?

Whew. Oh, what am I doing?

I don`t have the heart for this. Man, l`m no Kidnapper.

Well, hell, man...

I don`t have experience in Kidnapping, either.

And your sister never told me you were so recKless.

Oh, wait a minute. You Know my sister?

Wait, wait. Know her?

L`m sleeping with her. Eww.

She was the one that helped me... come up with this plan for you to Kidnap me.

You`re the dude with the jacKed-up shoes.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha.

Oh, my God.

You tooK my plan to a whole `nother level, man.

I did? Yeah.

Hey, the way you came to my job and cased it.

Right.

And the masKs. And the... and the... and the switching of the cars.

Ohh.

Oh, man! And then bringing me... to this hole-in-the-wall cracKhouse.

Yeah, man. `cause they would`ve recognized me... down at the Terrance Hotel.

Man, this was smart bringing me here.

`Cause, hell, nobody`s gonna recognize me here.

Well...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Heh heh.

Your sister was right, man. You are smart.

My sister said that about me?

Wait, wait. Hold it.

You`re white. Yeah.

But your sister is... She`s adopted.

My grandmother adopted her when I was two years old.

Oh.

Shh. That`s my grandma.

L`ll handle this.

Stay there.

You`re gonna burn this place down... you deaf old hag. She`s deaf.

I unplug this, she doesn`t hear a thing.

Raaaaar!

Raaah! Ha ha ha! Lt`s Kind of funny.

And sad.

L`ll show you my spot.

Ah.

You live down here?

Yeah.

Tch. Pathetic.

You`re a grown man... and you live in your grandmother`s basement?

L`m saving up for my own place, you Know?

What the hell is this?

Lt`s my birdhouse.

You made this yourself? Yes, I did.

On purpose? Yeah.

What, you did it drunK and blindfolded?

No.

Damn. Hey, you Know what? Don`t even worry about that... because with the money l`m paying you for this... you`ll be able to afford your own place.

Your sister did tell you you`re getting paid for this?

No, not exact... Not exactly, you Know?

We didn`t... we didn`t really discuss it.

Uh...

I have to be honest with you. L`m really confused.

Heh. Yeah, I can see that.

L`m surprised you even Know my sister.

My sister came up with this plan?

How do you guys even Know each other again?

LooK, I Know it`s hard for you to believe, man... especially considering how dumb your sister really is.

Yeah. Ha ha ha!

Hey, hey, but every once in a while... she`ll say something that`s not dipped in stupid.

Right.

And coming up with this plan with me... was one of those times.

This where I sleep?

Uhh.

Ooh.


Whassup?

Whassup?

Uhh.

Whassup?

Aaaaah!

Hey, hey. Oh! No!

Who are you, and what are you... Calm down.

Just tell me where I am! No, no!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Calm down.

L`m calm.

Now, you don`t want me to get upset.

I must`ve used too much chloroform.

You`re in the Terrance Hotel.

Behind you over there is some lobster.

Some fill-ett mig-non over there... some champagne.

Right here we got some Cuban cigars rolled up... just liKe my sister Peaches told me.

Peaches with the round bottom that`s liKe an apple?

You got the two... and...

That`s my bad. L`m sorry.

Hmm.

Tss.

Say, man, you seen my pants?

Malcolm King`s office.

Miss Gladys, please don`t hang up.

It`s me, Renee.

I just need... Hello? Are you there?

What do you want, Renee?

Please listen very carefully.

Malcolm`s been what?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I need to report a crime.

Fill out a report. They`ll help you over there.

I ain`t about to hear about no paperworK.

Listen, you need to listen to me.

Lady, the faster you fill out the report... the faster somebody can help you.

To hell with paperworK!

Malcolm King... has been Kidnapped. Hmm.

I inch the dough with no propane I ain`t gotta show I.D. Up in here, they don`t pay So it`s straight to the bar for drinKs with no chain Your game up in my personal space with no shame Need a loss of feeling for you liKe Novocain And get you same day You off the chain liKe Great Dane No name, so I barK and I bite I might, an apple to the right...

Water warm enough for you?

What?

I said... is the water warm enough for you?

Yeah, man, the water`s fine. LooK...

Wow. Herb... we`re gonna have to talK about... your invasion of my personal space.

See, where l`m from, a grown man can`t sit in no tub while another grown man sit and watch him, OK?

What?!

LooKie here, punK... don`t go out mistaKing my Kindness for weaKness.

See, up on ``D`` blocK, where I come from...

``D`` blocK didn`t have no bathtubs.

We only tooK showers... once a weeK.

Now l`m sitting here looKing at you... with all them bubbles on you.

It only mean you`re more slippery to me.

I tell you... if you wasn`t Peaches` boyfriend...

Ooh!

Enjoy the grapes.

He`s on the down low.

Malcolm loves his money more than life itself.

Those Kidnappers aren`t seeing a cent.

All right, we got some leads here...

A 9-1-1 call from Malcolm King... came through our switchboard at 11:14 last night... and a limousine registered to King Enterprises... found abandoned on the highway.

LooK, hey, we`re in good shape here.

You leave this in our hands, ma`am.

We pulled a partial footprint from the scene.

It`s being analyzed in forensics.

Those boys down at C.S. I... l`m telling you, they taKe one little thread... and they just scan...

I don`t Know why you two are wasting time... with all this Top Cop, Inspector Gadget bullsh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. A little respect.

This is our job. We Know what we`re doing.

If you Knew what you were doing... you wouldn`t be sitting here talKing to me.

You`d be out tracKing down your primary suspects.

And who might that be?

Hello. May I help you?

Renee King?

Yes.

Do you mind if we come in?

Yes?

Angela DraKe, I presume?

Hey, hey, where the hell have you been, huh?

Did you forget that you were supposed to follow up... with Renee about the ransom?

And you`ve got nothing to eat down here but crap.

Where`s the real food?

You Know what, Mr. King?

I will maKe you a TV dinner.

For lunch?

That`s the dumbest thing l`ve ever heard.

Hey... remember when I said you were smart?

Yeah. Heh heh!

I was lying, all right?

You`re just as dumb as your dumb-ass sister.

Call Renee.

Hello?

Say something.

Hello? Who is this? Let`s not play on my phone.

Hello. How are you today?

Lousy. L`ve got cramps. Who is this?

She wants to Know who I am.

Tell her you got her husband... and not to worry about who the hell you are.

I got your husband.

Don`t worry about who the hell I am.

And call her a bitch. What?

Excuse me? No, not you.

You. What?

Call her a bitch. Why?

LooK, I don`t have time for games. What is this?

What? Just call her a bitch.

Listen up, bitch!

Yes! Yeah!

What`d you just call me? No! No, not you, Granny.

Excuse me. Is this a joKe, or is this...

Who is that? I don`t have time for this.

No one. Granny, please, hang up the phone, OK?

You got a girl down there?

I don`t have a girl down here. Yeah. I Know the rules.

ChoKe her. L`ll choKe her. A boy down there?

I don`t have anyone down here! Please hang up!

So she`ll die quicKly. Don`t tell me what to do.

Get bacK to the money. You are worKing my nerves.

What is this, and what do you want?

Get bacK to the money.

What do I want? Hey, hey!

What do I want? Shh!

Demand the ransom.

Demand the ransom.

I demand the ransom.

The... Of...

Ten thousand dol...

$10,000?

What the hell is wrong with you?

10. $10,000?

Yeah, yeah, 10. You Kidnapped Malcolm King... not Bobby Brown. 10 million.

$10 million.

You understand that? Really?

Yes, really.

Do we have it? Yeah.

OK.

I demand a ransom of $10 million.

Yeah.

Oh, now it`s 10 million? For what?

Or you will never see your big, fat, obnoxious husband alive... sweating and ordering people around ever again.

Call her a bitch. Bitch!

What? No, I...

These chips are good. Yeah.

Bears stinK!

I got it.

Yeah, you get it.

Holla.

Baby? I just...

I wanted to let you Know that I miss you.

Watch it! Oh, my God!

Sorry! I didn`t see you.

Anyway... l`ll see you, and I love you.

Hey! You`re so rude!

L`m maKing a call!

Get off of your phone!

I have to go, baby. I love you.

L`m gonna worK it.

Oh, l`m gonna worK it.

L`m gonna worK that!

Ha ha! L`m gonna worK that! Ha ha ha!

Hey! What`s goin` on bacK there?!

Noth-noth-nothin`, man!

Straight up, man.

I wonder who did that ad.

Ooh! I did! Ha ha ha!

Straight up. ThanKs, man.

Oh, hey, I can`t get to the phone right now... because l`m busy building my bird house.

Hey, hey, get up here!

Jesus, Granny, l`m doing something right now!

Hurry up...

You Know who it is and you Know why l`m calling.

You better be getting me that money soon... or I might just have to go tell the police... how you masterminded a recent outbreaK... of semi-violent convenience store robberies.

You`re running out of time.

Damn.

All right. I guess I got the right one.

Billionaire Andrew Ross... is in critical condition after his hot-air balloon... plummeted to the ground in the jungles of Africa.

He was then attacKed by a wild rhinoceros.

White folKs.

Hey, it tooK you long enough, man.

L`m starving. Where`s my change?

Ohh.

Oh, man, they put mustard on this.

I told the guy no mustard.

Well, taKe it bacK, man.

Aw, it`s no big deal.

Come on, man, you let people taKe advantage of you.

You paid for it. You should get what you want.

It`s no biggie, really.

You Know what?

You ain`t got no balls.

You see me? I don`t taKe nothin` from nobody.

You want to Know why? `Cause I got big balls.

I got big manly balls.

Big manly, hairy, sharK-infested swimmin`...

My balls are so... They hang to the bacK of my Knee... when I wear shorts. And you Know what?

I ain`t afraid to let `em hang for nobody.

It must be hard for you to buy underpants.

Ha ha ha ha! Shut up, stupid.

You`ve got to stop letting people taKe advantage of you.

LooK, it`s just a sandwich.

Let me show you what l`d do if it was my sandwich.

Be the man at the counter. L`m gonna be me.

Yeah, get at the counter. OK.

Greet me. What?

Greet me. Uh, greetings.

Yes, looK at this, man!

I asKed for no mustard! What`s this looK liKe to you?

Mustard. Yes!

And since you obviously do not Know what ``no mustard`` means...

Here, hold that for me. ThanK you.

OK, that`s mustard. All right? That`s mustard right there.

Uh-huh, yeah. Now, I guarantee if you do that... they`ll never mess your order up again.

You get any winners yet?

Do you hear me screaming?

You guys follow up on the leads I gave you?

Yes, we did.

And?

And nothing.

LooK, lady, l`ve just about had it with you.

Go home. When we have something to tell you... we`ll let you Know. This case is all about... official police business. We don`t need you...

I don`t give a damn about official police business.

Malcolm King is my business.

L`m gonna leave now, not because you told me to... but because if I don`t leave now...

I won`t be able to get my numbers in.

But l`ll be bacK. And until you find him... l`m gonna stay on y`all liKe white girls on NBA players.


Who is it?

It`s us... BrooKe and Kim. Hi!

Come in. The door`s open.

What tooK you guys so long?

Huh? The police were here.

They were asKing questions about Mr. King.

You guys, I thinK we should go to the police... and tell them everything that we Know.

I mean, it`s not liKe we actually Kidnapped anybody.

Yes, we did. Well, mostly we didn`t.

That`s a great idea, Kim.

Unbelievable!

I believe the charge is conspiracy to Kidnapping.

OK? Yeah.

I learned a thing or two about the criminal code... when I was at Cornell.

Cornell? Cornell?

I thought you said you went to... Didn`t she go to Harvard?

Right, but she did... No, it was...

Undergrad at Yale.

And then when she went to Princeton, she was...

No, it was Harvard, and then she went...

Where`d she do her doctorate? I lied!

What?

I went to DeVry Institute.

Ooh. Ooh.

And I didn`t finish.

And for whatever reason, the King Enterprises... didn`t checK that pacK of lies I called a rėsumė.

Oh, my God.

LooK, I got a G.E.D.

Ohh! Ohh!

And an lvy League mortgage payment.

So that maKes me one desperate, dangerous woman.

So until this thing blows over... l`m not letting either one of you aspiring snitches... out of my sight. Is that clear?

Yeah, but, liKe... Yeah, you Know...

I said... is that clear?

Crystal. Crystal.

Dinner is served.

Ha ha.

I wouldn`t feed that garbage to a dog.

You Know what?

I need you to go down to PeKing Palace for me, man... get me something to eat.

Get me some Kung pao chicKen... no vegetables, not too spicy... all white meat, extra fortune cooKies.

Hey! Hurry up, l`m starving.

That tooK me six to eight minutes to maKe.

It should taKe you that long to get it out of my face.

Well...

What`d you say?

I called in an order for Renee.

Oh, yes. Order for Renee. It is almost ready.

It just be one second.

Why don`t you have a seat?

I will bring it right for you. OK?

Maybe you will have a seat right there... and you can maybe sing some KaraoKe, OK?

You have some fun.

I don`t thinK so.

Yeah, yeah It should be OK. What is taKing so long?

What the hell`s going on down there?

If I gotta come bacK there and KicK someone`s ass...

Come on. Now get this one.

OK, for you, sir, your order is now ready.

See? There is one order of Kung pao chicKen... no vegetable, not too spicy, with all-white meat... and extra fortune cooKie, just liKe you asK, OK?

Good. Good night. OK, you have a good night.

We see you again. You come bacK, OK?

OK, you guys ready to sing some Kara...?

Uh, lady. Lady.


Are you awaKe? Grandma.

Ooh. Hey.

Mm. Where`s my change?

All right. ``Tony`s Tool Shop. ``

This guy sat the tub in place, then built a framing around it.

Damn it, they didn`t put any silverware in the bag.

No, here. I got you chopsticKs.

Do I looK liKe JacKie Chan to you?

Huh? Huh?

L`m a blacK man. I eat with a forK.

OK. L`ll go upstairs and l`ll get you a forK.

I swear, man, adopted or not... you and Peaches are the dumbest brother and sister on earth.

Who`s Peaches?

Hey, let`s not play games with me, all right, Herb?

Just hurry your ass upstairs and get me a forK.

Herb? Who`s Herb?

Ha ha, very funny. Your name`s not Herb... and your sister`s name isn`t Peaches.

LooK, stop playing with me, man.

L`m not playing games. My name`s not Herb.

It`s Corey, and my sister`s name isn`t Peaches.

It`s Raven. Watch, l`ll show you a picture.

LooK, that`s my sister. That`s Raven.

If you`re not Peaches` brother...

then l`ve been Kidnapped for real.

Oh!

Ow!

Whoa! Aha!

The hell? Yes, I Knew it!

I Knew it! Kung pao chicKen...

Renee, what the hell are you doing here?

The better question is, what are you doing here?

Whoa!

Aaah! Aaah!

What is this?

Uhh! Uhh!

Damn it!

Untie us right now, man. L`m not gonna say it again.

L`m sorry. I can`t do that.

Why not?

`Cause I just need some time to thinK things out, you guys.

LooK, Mr. King, I didn`t want to Kidnap you ever.

Really. I really didn`t. I even tried to let you go.

You Know that, but you insisted on going through... with your plan of having yourself Kidnapped... so you wouldn`t have to give her a divorce settlement.

Hold on. His what to do what?

He was planning to have himself Kidnapped... so he wouldn`t have to pay you a big divorce settlement.

Shut up!

Ooh. I Knew you were gonna try something slicK... to get out of paying me. But Kidnapping yourself?!

Malcolm, this is really low, even for you.

What about you? You said yourself... you wanted to have him Kidnapped.

I did not. What are you talKing about?

I don`t even Know you.

Right after you fell down the stairs.

You were all delirious and mumbling.

``I was gonna Kidnap you, too, Malcolm. `` l... Shut... Shut it up!

Uhh! Ohh! Hey!

What Kind of woman wants to Kidnap her own husband?

The Kind that would marry a man who`d faKe his own Kidnapping... to get out of a divorce settlement.

Just shut it, Renee!

You shut it! Shut it up!

Be quiet, please. My granny is sleeping.

To hell with your grandmother!

What`s wrong with you? Don`t be...

First of all, don`t be yelling at me.

L`m the only friend you got right now.

You Know, for a married couple... you guys sure don`t seem to love each other.

We don`t! We don`t!

Room service!

Peach... Peaches, what you doing here?

I have to see Malcolm. I miss him too much.

Hey, now, the plan was that you wasn`t gonna see him... until after we get finished.

I Know, I Know, and I won`t see him.

LooK, l`ll turn off the lights and l`ll even wear this.

Blindfold. See? We won`t see each other.

Please, Herbie! Peaches.

Baby. Ohh.

Mmm.

Don`t be mad at me.

Please!

And don`t say anything. I just missed you too much.

Aw, baby. You lost so much weight.

Hey, where did that come from?

Oh ho ho! Wow!

Ohh. Ha ha!

Damn! Y`all was in there for a long time.

Malcolm never did that before.

Bye, Herbie.

Aah! Ow!

Disgrace to the whole family.

...is all it taKes.

You start out with the scissor crunch...

Whoo!

I I got the magic sticK I Know if I can hit once, I can hit twice l`ll hit the baddest chicKs Shorty, don`t believe me, then call me tonight And I show you magic What? What?

Magic Whew.

I ain`t felt liKe this in a long time, Herb.

Long time. Whoo! I worKed it.

Had to worK it out on your sister.

She a freaK.

She worKed... Whoa, man! Stop playin`! Sit down!

Corey, I said get up here!

Yes, Granny?

Can`t find the remote.

Turn the channel for me.

You called me all the way up here for that?

Yeah. Don`t give me no lip.

Just, uh, do what I say.

I can see the remote from here, Granny.

You do it.

Uhh... OK?

No. No.

No!

After weeKs of an intensive...

Hey, what happened to Monty?

...captured the men responsible... for the Kidnapping of little MarK Wilson.

If convicted of Kidnapping... the men face life imprisonment... without the possibility of parole.

Bad news. I can`t let you go.

OK, when you say ``you, `` you mean her, right?

No, I mean the both of you. I can`t let you go.

What do you mean, you can`t let me go?

Man, what are you talKing about?

L`m talKing about if you guys told on me...

I could go to jail for the rest of my life!

Man, that`s not that long! W-what?

Hey, hey, hey, we won`t tell. I swear.

We promise.

``You promise. `` People breaK their promises all the time.

Not us.

You guys got married and you promised... that you would obey and cherish and love each other.

Now you`re getting a divorce. You broKe those promises!

That`s different.

How is it different?

LooK, I don`t Know how it`s different.

It`s just different, OK, stupid?

Oh, hey, way to go. What?

You have such a way with people.

Why don`t you fuss at him some more?

L`m sure he`ll let us go now, dummy.

Did you just call me dummy?

I just called you dummy, dummy.

Oh, I got your dummy right here.

Shut up! By the way, it`s time for a cigarette.

Can I get a smoKe?

No. No, she don`t need no smoKe.

Don`t tell me what I don`t need.

You Know what, Renee? Shut up!

Just shut it up, Renee! I will not taKe that!

You`re mad `cause the truth finally came out!

What truth?! We`re tied up because of you!

Turn to ``106 and ParK. ``

OK.

Actually, I don`t want to watch ``106 and ParK. ``

I would liKe to watch ``Dr. Phil, `` please.

You and big-head Dr. Phil both can Kiss my blacK ass.

We`re watching ``106 and ParK. ``

We should watch something that elevates our consciousness.

We need to watch... Hey!

What? Listen to me.

Maybe when l`m done playing my video game... maybe we can watch the first half of ``106 and ParK`` and the second half of ``Dr. Phil``... if I feel liKe it.

Hey, hey, hey, what Kind of nonsense is that, huh?

Who watches half a show?

Yeah, and everybody Knows the best part of ``Dr. Phil``... is in the beginning.

Huh. If you watch him.

Well, I do. That`s why I Know... and you don`t Know what to say sometimes, do you?

L`m just trying to help.

Corey, hurry up! Ooh.

Well, I see why you`re still a virgin.

Whoo! Ha ha ha ha! That`s a good one.

Hey, hey! L`m not a virgin, OK?

Not entirely.

You`re still a virgin.

L`m not!

Hey, Renee, did he say ``not entirely``?

Well... Ha ha!

Hey, looK here, player, either you are, or you aren`t.

Which one is it? Have you touched it yet?

Aah!

Oh. Oh, no, he didn`t.

Man, what`s your problem?

You! You`re my problem.

And her and her and Raven and Timmy... and Miss Ho and that stupid sandwich!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You need to bring some of that bass out of your voice... when you`re talKing to me.

Shut up!

You don`t Know... Oh, come on! You Know what?

You`re not the boss of me.

What? You Know what?

Because I could Kill you right now.

I could bash your head in liKe a melon if I felt liKe it!

And nobody would even care. You want to Know why?

Because you are a jacKass! A jacKass!

You`re a jacKass, and you`re a super-size jacKass.

No wonder everybody hates you! L`ve Known you a day... and I want to rip off my head and throw it in the trash... just so I don`t have to listen to you anymore!

You two deserve each other.

Corey, I said get up here!

Listen up.

L`m going upstairs to taKe care of that deaf old bag... and then l`m going for a drive.

And when I come bacK... l`m gonna deal with you two.

And you can scream all you want because no one can hear you.

Then you shaKe your booty-ooty to the ground Can you shaKe it to the four zone?

One, don`t wait now Will you shaKe it to the four zone?

Two, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Can you shaKe it to the four zone?

Baby, let`s try to get out of these ropes.

OK, exactly what part of life in prison... don`t you understand?

Angela, don`t worry.

We`re good-looKing. We`ll be fine.

Wait. No. Hey, hey. Listen.

Angela, Mr. King could be in real danger right now.

We have no idea what those maniacs are doing to him.

He`s not in any real danger.

Listen, I Know you`re scared... but we all have to have a little faith.

We`re going to jail, man.

The Lord will protect us.

OK, OK. All right?

When we`re being passed around the ``C`` blocK... bought and sold for a pacK of Newport King 100s... remember... it was the Lord that put us there.

Ohh.

OK? OK.

Can we maKe a quicK stop before we turn ourselves in?

Just... lt`ll be really quicK.

Now, listen, l`m going to jail, OK?

And I need this money to pay for protection.

I don`t really want to be turned out by lesbians... so, please, just do what you can.

So, you pretty desperate, huh?

Yeah.

``... if we asK Him for anything that is according to His will.

``He hears us whenever we asK... ``

Two hundred.

Wung tung tai.

Watch out.

Ooh!

Guess who`s in the store? Who?

Just guess. It`s my favorite game.

Um, I don`t Know. Who?

No. That guy who tooK Mr. King from us.

BacK so soon?

Yeah. Hi.

You have something else for me?

Yes, I do. I forgot to show you one of my tools.

Is it a nice one, your tool?

Miss Ho, you tell me.

Aah!

There he is, there he is.

OK, quicK. Great.

Oh, my God, that is him.

Oh, my God!

He could Keep us from going to jail.

Whoa! LooK out!

Aah!

Malcolm... What?

L`m scared. Shh.

Did you see the looK in his eyes?

He looKs deranged. He looKs liKe he`s gone crazy.

Relax. He`s not crazy.

Whoo! Y`all gonna maKe me lose my mind Up in here, up in here Y`all gonna maKe me go all out Up in here, up in here

Up in here, up in here What`s he doing?

Y`all gonna maKe me lose my cool Aah!

Oh!

Oh! Yes!

Hey. Hey!

Uhh!

Stop whaling on my sandwich!

Aah!

Ooh!

Gotta get my gangsta Y`all gonna maKe me lose my mind Up in here, up in here Corey.

Y`all gonna maKe me go all out My man. What`s up, Corey?

LooKin` good.

I miss you, man.

Aah!

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, my God!

Ahh! Uhh!

Y`all gonna maKe me lose my mind Up in here, up in here Y`all gonna maKe me go all out Hey, how`s my energy level now, Timmy?

Yaah!

God, please don`t let me die a virgin!

Up in here Y`all gonna maKe me lose my cool Ohh!

Oh! That was good!

Ha ha ha ha! Aah!

Uhh!

And l`m taKing my shift drinK!

You, you ain`t strong enough Whatever it is you puffin` on That got you thinKin` that you Superman Hello, police? Yeah, l`d liKe to report... an assault at the Happy SnacK on Main Street.

OK, Angela, do not lose him.

L`m not going to lose him.

This guy maKes mincemeat out of the hamburger... then he goes inside and starts beating up on this man.

And he`s just taKing off in this gray beat-up Jeep.

Y`all gonna maKe me act a fool When you`re ready to call Uhh. These ropes aren`t getting any looser.

It`s OK. We can worK it loose.

This is useless.

Aah!

Hey, hey, hey. Renee? Renee? Keep it together, OK, baby?

I need you here with me, all right?

Come on, Mama. Come on.

Malcolm... What?

If we don`t get out of here alive, I just...

Renee. Renee!

Renee, baby. Whoo.

LooK, don`t talK liKe that, OK?

We`re getting out of here alive.

Just help me with the ropes, all right?

Come on, Mama, just worK with me.

OK, baby? Come on, I don`t feel your fingers moving.

Oh, wait, listen, listen.

What? That`s our song.

It`s really good to see you Oh, we`re going to die for real now.

Renee, Renee, Renee, Renee, hey.

Hey, hey, baby. Hey.

That was playing the night we met, huh?

Tch. You don`t remember.

Hmm. Remember?

Hey, you gave me some that night.

It always helps to give you a little.

Hey, what happened to us, Renee?

We were happy once, right?

Don`t mind fools There`s no way I am losing him now.

Right there!

Uh, uh, red light.

Aah! Stop! Aah!

``Forgive us our trespasses... ``

``As we forgive those that trespass against us``!

I thinK we`re all right.

No, we`re not all right.

...was my claim to fame ThanK you, Renee.

Uh, yeah. For what?

For being a no-good, gold-digging... whatever you going to call me now?

No, no, no, no, baby. ThanK you.

You deserve it.

I was cold as ice You Know, l`ve never given you the credit... for always having my bacK and Keeping me focused.

You Know, I always thought it was me... but it was you who gave me that strength.

Very nice, you Know ThanK you.

Sugar, sugar, sugar Oh, Malcolm.

Hey...

And you turned on I have a confession.

If it`s about you sleeping with some woman... in your company, I figured as much.

Baby Can you forgive me?

If you burn me up Yeah. It`s in the past.

I have a confession to maKe, too.

LooK, if it`s about you having an affair...

I Know that, too.

How?

Come on, Renee. We`re separated... which means you haven`t been getting any from me... and we both Know how you liKe to get you some.

True, true.

You Know, I just figured... you`d be getting it from someplace else.

And I forgive you.

I have another confession.

Damn. Another affair?

I pooted. Sorry.

L`m sorry. It was...

No, you`re not.

You can`t even smell it. Shut up. Ha ha!

That`s the thing about going inside... rather than taKing the drive-through.

I Know, I Know. But just don`t touch the glazed.

Don`t touch the glazed.

We`ve only got two, and I don`t thinK that...

What`s going on with Malcolm`s case?

Holy Malloley. I thought I told you to st...

Attention all units.

LooKing for a white male driving a gray Jeep... wanted for assault at the Happy SnacK.

There they go! Hit it!

Scoot! Scoot! Scoot!

I ain`t finished talKin` to y`all yet!

Hmph!

Granny.

Granny.

Aah!

Aah!

Whoa! Officer! Whoa! OK...

You in the car, do not move. No talKing!

Shit.

OK, we`re almost there, baby. I got one.

Oh, I got it. Whoo!

Ohh! Who blew ass in my basement?!

Ohh, man!

You guys are disgusting.

What did you do?

I had to go teach someone a lesson.

Oh... oh, my God! Malcolm, save me!

Hey, Corey. Come here, man. Come here.

Hey, don`t be crazy, man.

Hey, don`t be crazy, all right?

Just go easy. OK? Just go easy.

Let... let my wife go. You can Keep me, man... but just let my wife go, all right?

Listen to me! Just let my wife go.

Hey! This isn`t Malcolm King Enterprises... and you`re not the boss! Lt`s Corey Enterprises... and l`m runnin` the show!

And nobody`s goin` nowhere!

OK, OK. OK, shh. Hold on, baby.

I almost got it. OK. I almost got it.

What are you guys whispering about?!

Oh! Baseball trivia.

OK. Hey, hey. OK, no matter what happens... when I get up, you run for the steps.

OK. I love you. Hey, hey...

What did you just say?

Heh...

I said, uh...

Don`t drop the soap in jail.

Beeyotch! Aah!

Get him, Malcolm! Get him!

Come on, Malcolm! Malcolm, KicK him!

Malcolm, get him! Aah!

Uhh!

Come on! Go! Go!

All right. Why didn`t you stop?

Because Malcolm King`s Kidnapper is in that house.

What?

Oh! Oh!

I go to jail if you leave!

Aah!

Jefferson, on them. Everyone else, on me!

Are you crazy?! That was cool.

Two months away from my retirement... you`re trying to Kill me? What do we got?

King Kidnapping. Possible suspects inside.

Get off of...

Ohh!

Hey.

Oh, sorry.

Aaaah! Ohh!

Aaah!

All right, let`s move in! Follow me!

Whoa!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Who`s the beeyotch now?

You are!

Uhhh.

Come on, honey, get him! Get him!

Freeze! Nobody move!

Hey. Don`t shoot!

Quiet! Settle down!

Ooh. Uhh.

Well, well, well.

The infamous Malcolm King and the little woman.

Hey, Officer, this psycho right here...

Hey, hey! What?

Before you tell them anything, let me remind you that you tried to Kidnap yourself... and she tried to Kidnap you. Both are federal offenses... and you could go to jail for the rest of your life.

You were saying? I was...

Get up, Malcolm.

L`m saying this psycho right here...

No! No!

This psycho here... This psycho...

This psychotherapist saved our marriage.

What? What?

Ha ha! Yeah, Detective Conley. Wow.

You Know, the next day, after you left... my husband called me... to this unconventional couples` therapy... where he locKs the couples up in the basement... and doesn`t let them go until they resolve their issues.

Yes, yes. Uh, so we`ve been here... you Know, uh, resolving our marital issues.

No, me, me. On one Knee.

Resolving our marital issues.

Uh, see? So it`s... it`s all cool.

We`ve just been trying to find the love.

Ooh. Oh, baby, I love you. Oh, baby.

See? LooK, it worKed.

So... so you were never Kidnapped, then?

No! No, no, no. Ahem! Uh... l`ve just been here chillin`.

L`ve had enough.

L`m retiring in two months. I don`t need this.

And you... sunshine boy.

Guess what? You`re going downtown.

What? Downtown? Hey!

Ha ha! Why?

For the assault at the Happy SnacK.

Or is that just another one of your breaKthrough therapies?

Yeah. Yes, it is one of my breaKthrough therapies.

It`s a motivational therapy.

We don`t Know nothin` about that.

We were just here for the marriage counseling.

ThanK you. Yeah.

I showed you guys the... Mmm. Mmph. Mmm!

Whew!

All right, let`s bacK it up, everybody. Show`s over.

Pat him down and put him in the cruiser.

This way, sir. Any comment?

Sir, please!

This has been one hell of a weeK, baby.

Ooh, tell me about it.

You Know what? Let`s go.

L`m about to get me a drinK.

Hold the fucK up, big boy.

What? Yeah, you!

Ohh! Ah!

Oh! Renee! Renee, get this old woman off me!

Ooh. That looKs liKe a camera crew out there.

Honey, you OK? Ah, yeah, you`re OK.

L`ll meet you outside. L`m gonna freshen up.

Mr. King!

Were you treated fairly, Mr. King?

Did they sexually abuse you, Mr. King?

Hey, hey, hey. What`s this? What`s going on here?

Mr. King, I can explain everything.

Um, see, what happened was...

I got... and then...

``Get out of the car, jacKass! ``

Condoleezza?

You Kidnapped me?

Well, I tried.

That`s exactly the cold-blooded, no-mercy tactics... that I need in a vice-president.

Hell, if you acted liKe this months ago... we would`ve never had any problems.

You Know what? Don`t worry about this.

L`ll maKe sure all this is handled.

You just come see me on Monday.

All right? All right.

ThanK you, Mr. King.

You got it. Hey, hey, hey.

This is my vice-president, all right?

You be easy with her.

Wow, you`re a vice-president. That`s really cool.

Yeah, I don`t have a degree, either.

Just stay bacK. Hey!

Hold it, lady.

Get out of my way! Malcolm! Oh!

Are you all right? Oh, my God, baby.

What`d they do? Oh, my... No, no. It`s OK.

Ohh. L`ve got good news. What?

Andrew Ross is out of intensive care.

He called about closing the deal.

What should I tell him?

Tell him the company`s no longer for sale.

What?

Too many people have worKed too hard... to put King Enterprises on the map... for me just to give it away to some playboy...

IooKing to cash in. You tell him that.

OK.

Hi, Miss Gladys. Mwah!

Hey, honey. Ohh.

Hey, baby. Ah! Oh, l`m sorry.

Oh, baby, my lip. L`m sorry, honey. You ready?

Yeah, let`s go. All right?

Did they give you something? See ya.

Miss Gladys? L`ll call you in a few days, all right?

TaKe care of the office.

You liKe sushi?

Do I liKe sushi?

Yeah, I liKe sushi all right.

You taKe it home and fry it, it tastes just liKe fish.

You Know what, baby?

What, honey?

The first thing in the morning... l`m gonna call the lawyers... and have them rip up the divorce papers.

Oh, honey. I was thinKing the same thing.

Mmm.

Heh heh heh.

Your crusty lips... and my blacK ass.

Andre?

Was that you in there?

Mm-hmm. In the darK?

Mm-hmm. Girl, you better act liKe you Know.

Oh, my God. I Know.

I Know! Ha ha ha!

Oh! L`m your Peach!

And l`m your Andre!

Oh! Couldn`t help it.

Oh, baby, looK at that. LooK at that.

LooK at that, looK at that!

Ha ha ha ha!

Straight up! You Know, I got to admit... that`s some of my best worK right there.

Ooh, honey. You mean some of our best worK.

Heh. Just because you were in the house... when I thought it up doesn`t meant it`s yours, Renee.

Not only was I in the house, l`m the one... that was instrumental in launching this campaign.

Are you even listening to what you`re saying?

Go around! Go around!