Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) Script

On the count of three.

One, two, three!

Try the ring toss. Three for a quarter. Look how easy it is.

There you go, a winner!

And now, for my shocking finale.

Not for the squeamish.

Not for the faint of heart.

I call my trick "The Jaws of Death."

Now. Say it. Say it.

Harold, use your awesome might to save me from this hopeless plight.

No harm will come to you. Alakazam !

Help me! Help me!

I'm going to be an actress.

Hard to believe it was last Christmas. . .

. . .that me and Harmony changed the world.

And we didn't mean to. And it didn't last long, you know.

A thing like that can't.

Now that l'm in L.A., l go to parties. The kind where if a girl is named Jill...

...she spells it J-Y-L-L-E, that bullshit.

That's me there. My name's Harry Lockhart, l'll be your narrator.

Welcome to L.A.

Welcome to the party.

The guy smoking, that's Dabney Shaw, my producer. He discovered me.

The man with him is Perry Van Shrike, a.k.a. Gay Perry.

Honest-to-God private eye, consults in film, TV. Just incorporated.

He's bigtime. Also, he's gay.

Don't start, Perry, huh?

I seen you play ball. You're tough. But you see a naked guy. . .

. . .your brain says, "I want that."

I don't make that leap. It's like, "Look, there's an elephant. Quick. . .

. . . let's drain its blood to paint my boathouse."

It's just that that's not the first thing you think of.


By now you may wonder how l wound up here, or maybe not.

Maybe you wonder how Silly Putty picks shit up from comic books.

Point is, I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down.

How did l get here? See for yourself.

Chloe, just run the name by me one more time. . .

. . . because I must be missing something.

I'm going nuts. I've been through the store three times.

Cyber Agent. C-Y-B-E-- Why don't you ask... employee or something? -No, they're all busy.

"Protocop, protector of man." Is that it? Protocop? He protects men.

Uncle Harry, look around. There are signs.

That show was cancelled two years ago. Just ask-- Wait, are they even open?

Yeah, it's holiday hours. Look-- Get away from the window.

--I gotta go, but I'll find this.

-Great. -Shit, Harry, that shit went wrong !

-Give me the gun ! -No. Give me the bullets!


-You gotta be fucking kidding me. -We'll stand here and wait for the police.

Drop the gun. We didn't do anything. We are not dangerous. Drop the gun.

-Hey, lady, gun is not loaded-- -Ritchie, no!



Oh, boy.

Take it easy.

Jesus. Oh, no, no. We're not ready for you yet, sir.

-Go wait with the others. -Grace, do me a favor, let's take him.

-He's ready. You're ready? -Ready?

Okay, come on.

You know the setup? Got any questions?

He's got no questions. Look at him. Let's go.

Let's read.

-Where is he? Where's Raphael? -Where is he?


Beat up on me all night. You want me to give up my partner, you can go spit.

Quit acting like the good guy, jerk-off.

You got your partner killed.

He was in over his head, you knew it.

You may as well have pulled the trigger.

You killed him !

No, I didn't-- I didn't kill him. He wanted in.



I didn't want him to come in on it. He insisted.

I said, "Stay at home." But he doesn't listen. He's such a stupid son of a bitch.

I killed him, didn't I?

Oh, fuck, this is my fault. I'm sorry.


Hey, good luck.

See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school. Method.

-Studio. -Brando. Put this in the pouch to L.A.

Get Gay Perry on the phone.

Now, get this, they're screen-testing me. ls that wild?

One minute, l'm boosting Xboxes in the East Village...

...the next, l'm sipping champagne in L.A.

-Hi. -Hey.

So, what do you do?

I'm retired. I invented dice when I was a kid.

-How about you? -I do a little acting.

I'm gonna see who else is here.

Anyway, that's how l got to the party.

Now, Harmony, different story.

Some will tell you she got here on account of the giant robot. l'll show you that in a minute.

But for me, robot-schmobot, she was destined to be here.

Jeez, look at those stems, will you?

Not that that's what constitutes why she should be here.

Yes, racist. I'm serious.

The other reindeer laughed at him. Then, out of the blue, they need him.

He's as good as a fog light or whatever.

You know what, so you tell me, how is it any different than:

"Don't talk to Reggie, he's black.

Oh, wait, he can play basketball. Sign him up."

Rudolph, Reggie.

Harmony Faith Lane was your typical L.A. girl, she wasn't from there.

She grew up in a burg in southern lndiana.

"When in doubt, cut up a pig." That was the town motto.

Like most soon-to-be-fucked-up girls, Harmony was wicked smart.

Of course, credit where credit's due...

. . .she had a terrific mentor. No, not her.


"'Go to hell, Jonny Gossamer!'

She poured herself into a seamless dress.

From the looks of it, she spilled some."

Jonny spoke from the pages of cheap paperbacks...

...and told of a promised land known as "the Coast"...

...and a magical city called Los Angeles.

As the years progressed, she wished he was real.

Wished that he would come to lndiana to save her IittIe sister, Jenna.

You see, Papa was at her night after night.

But Jonny never showed.

And then the guy writing the books died.

Age 1 6, she split.

Took the bus to L.A., the promised land.

She'd get rich and famous and then help little sis.

Before he died. . .

...the guy who wrote the books said Jonny was a joke.

He wrote it for money, and it was bullshit.

Harmony ignored this. She knew better. I mean, who the heII was he?

He was just a writer.

And that's how she got to the same party as me--

Oh, shit. l skipped something.

Damn it. This robot bit. l made a big deal, then l forgot.

Fuck, bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke.

"Oh, wait, back up. l forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." Fuck. l don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff.

Can l say "fuck" more?

Now back to Protocop, starring Jeff Neal.

What the--?

Oh, my God.


Sources close to Neal, who has not worked as an actor in two years...

...say he seemed despondent earlier tonight...

...during a rerun of Protocop.

The actor, who stiII retains a costume he wore on the show. . .

...allegedly dressed up...

...stumbled down the bike path and wandered into this Venice Beach house. . .

...where aspiring actress Harmony Faith Lane was shocked to discover him. l'd jog by, "Hi, hello," you know, that sort of thing.

-Who's this? -l feel for the guy.

This city can't get enough of messing with people.

Like putting a whoopee cushion on the seat of an electric chair.

-Like that. -They always do this.

You can never see below the waist. It's like a Playmate in 1 964.

It was always behind the bedpost or there's a shadow. You never--

What am I telling you for? Invite her to something.

And there it was. Bingo.


You know what, you better be her doctor.

Walk away. Don't think, just do it.

What, are you her brother or something? It's none of your business, man.

-I will fuck you up. -No, you'll try.

And that little experiment will end in tears, my friend.

So again, for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the fuck away.

Or let's you and me go outside right now.

It's past my bedtime.

Make a choice.


You all right?


Thanks, bro.

One day, I'll actually learn how to fight.

-Perry Van Shrike. -Hey. Harry Lockhart.

I heard about you. You're the whatchamacallit, the consultant.

-You must be-- Anyway. . . . -Gay Perry?

Yeah. Right. Dabney calls you that.

-I guess you guys are old buddies. -Five years.

Wow, five years.

-Still gay? -Me? No.

I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.

You should know better than to fall asleep at a party. There's freaks here.

Dabney wants you to take detective lessons.

-Come again? -For your acting.

I've got surveillance tomorrow. You game?

What's the person like? Crime lord?

Please. I'm guessing some sad, lonely little man. . .

. . .who single-handedly haunts his own home in the Hollywood Hills.

That was incredibly gay.

-Good God. Ouch. -Yeah, you should see the other guy.

Harry, this is our generous host, Harlan Dexter.

Ah, yes, of course. You're Dabney's golden boy from back East.

I hope it isn't past your bedtime.

No, sir. My mom used to say I had the neon disease.

When the neon lights came on, I woke up.

I'm afraid I'm similarly afflicted. My daughter just lived 1 0 years in Paris.

She says it is heaven for the vampire set.

If you'll excuse me, apparently I'm meant to help cut this monstrosity.

Mom's gone, so it's just him and his born-again little bundle of joy.

-Born-again? That's precious. -Isn't it?

Three months ago, she was suing him over Mom's millions.

He called her a-- Well, a bad word.

Cunt. Welcome to Hollywood.

Okay, l apologize.

That is a terrible scene. lt's like, "Why was that in the movie?

Gee, you think maybe it'll come back later, maybe?"

I hate that. A TV's on, talking about the new power plant.

Wonder where the climax will happen.

Or that shot of the cook in Hunt for Red October. Sorry.

Hi, thank you for coming.

Hey, do you know that blond gal who just left?

Oh, the one with the guy that beat the shit out of you? No.

Bye, have a better night.

She had something, that gal, this quality.

Like the girl from high school. . .

. . .the one that got away. You know what I mean? That haunts you still.

-Yeah, I had that. -You did?

Bobby Mills.

Well, maybe you should try to get in touch.

I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.

Really? That's funny. I got a 1 0 says, "Pass the pepper."

I got two quarters harmonizing on "Moonlight in Vermont."

-What? -Talking money.

-A talking monkey? -Talking monkey, yeah.

Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says, "Ficus."

Detective lessons tomorrow.

-Don't forget. -Okay.

And Harry. . . .

Come here.

That girl, I know her. She's done some work for me.

Try the Domino Room.

Where's that?

-Hey there. I'm Flicka. -Hey.

-How are you? -Good. So, what do you do?

-I'm a private detective. And you? -I'm a stewardess.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Well, nice to meet you. -That it?

-Yeah. -Yep.

Could I have a Jack and soda? Thanks.

Evening. Harry.

God, I'm sore.

I mean, physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1 950s.

-Didn't I see you at a party hours ago? -Why?

-Why what? -Why me?

Seriously, why not the girl over there? Look, she's very pretty.

Which one?

On the leftt, next to Brazilian Billy Bob Thornton.

Oh, that's a bit of a reach.

I'm interrupting. I feel badly. What are you drinking?

-Bad. -Bad? Sorry?

-You feel bad. -Bad?

"Badly" is an adverb. To say you feel badly says that the mechanism. . .

-. . .which allows you to feel is broken. -Well, that one over there?

Between-- Oh, God, nix, nix. That's--

-The blond. The blond's pathetic. -Because?

For starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had hot meals.

I heard. It was neck and neck, and then she skipped lunch.

-Worst thing, though. . . . -Do tell.

Worst thing is she's 35 years old and still trying to act.

I see her at auditions all the time.

-It's over, baby. You missed. -That's charitable of you.

May I ask how old you are?

-Go for it. -Okay, how old are you?

-Thirty-four. -Yeah?

-I'm a baby. -Where's your buddy? The guy you--

-The guy you left the party with? -He's a fucking asshole.

I just needed a ride. Sorry, I swear a lot.

-I know. It's okay. -Did you know the host?

-No. -He looked familiar, though.

Probably an actor.

Go away, Mr. Fly.

-I was talking to your friend. -She doesn't want to talk to you.

Sunshine, she'll be back to you in a minute. Relax.

She doesn't have a minute.

Tell you what, if you change your mind about that drink. . .

. . . I'll be over there with Native American Joe Pesci.

-You are so. . . . -That was good, right?

Why are you humoring him? Stop it.

You know what, there's an empty table over there.

I hear it's a recommended cheeseball hangout.

Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock.

Princess. Scary friend.

Goddamn it.

Harry Lockhart, are you gonna recognize me or what?

God ! Embrey, Indiana!

Loves snakes, afraid of spiders.

Come on, remember? You were Amazing Harry--

-No, no, no. Harold the Great. -Harmony?

You cut me in half, remember?

Oh, shit. Oh, my God. How are you?

Okay, l was a bad narrator again...

...because the kid at the beginning, the magician, that was me. l don't want to put this on you...

...but if you've been paying attention, l shouldn't have to--

Great. No wonder. Ma and Pa Kettle. l got an idea.

Why not put these two lame-o extras in front of the mammoth fucking lens?

Boo. Scat. Fat lady, leave.

See there? "Harold."

Remember how l said this high school chick haunted me?

How seeing Harmony made me think of her?

That's because it was her. lt all came flooding back.

How l was the one she confided in.

While she was doing every other guy. lt was the first time l felt that how pitying someone...

...and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head.

Overwhelming sadness. Meanwhile, you got a rodney. ls that sick? l think-- Yeah, I think that's sick.

Leaving my sister back home, leaving her there all alone. . . .

Hardest thing I ever did.

Do you remember when we were real little. . .

. . .and a movie crew came to town?

That mystery flick with the guy, Jonny what's-his-name?

-Gossamer. -Jonny Gossamer. Right.

Your mom went nuts, and she bought all the books and stuff.

-That was-- God, that was forever ago. -Yeah, that was back in the day.

Harry. . .

. . . I didn't get famous.


I did. . .

. . .get to do this one commercial.

You're shitting me. Which one?

Well, you know the one with the bear?

And it goes-- Well, this is funny.

-"I prefer Genaros, but--" -"But I'm a bear, what do I know?

I suck heads off fish." That was you?

-Oh, my God. -Yeah, it was. Yeah.

-That's awesome. -Commercial.

Come on, that's a big deal.

-That's a national commercial. -Harry, stop.

It's nothing. There was actually this kind of cool moment where I got. . .

. . .to sort of do the wave.

"I prefer Genaros."

-Whatever, it's nothing. -It's pretty cool.

-It's nothing special at all. -Well, I think it's special.

Punk-rock Steven Seagal thinks it's special.

Right there, at your 1 1 o'clock.

That's dead-on, right?

That's all right. I had him pegged when I came in.

Come back to the hotel for a little while, just have one drink. Bring your friend.

It'd just be a drink. You'll be home faster than you can say "Jack Robinson."

I don't know about that. I can say. . .

-. . ."Jack Robinson" pretty fast. -I'm timing you.

Jack Robinson.

-Do you have any idea what time it is? -I'm really sorry.

God, you still look great. You're just stunning. I like--

-Why are you here? -Good question.

Sounds crazy, but I don't remember what occurred. . .

. . . between the hours of 2 and 5, a blur.

-Really? Where's Marleah? -Marleah?

-The girl you. . . . -Marleah fell asleep at my place. . .

. . .and I didn't see you leave--

I left when you had your tongue down her throat.

-I did? -Yeah.

God. No, wrong throat, wrong woman. That's bad.

Yeah, that's bad. You got 1 0 seconds, Harry.

Oh, boy, pressure, pressure. I came here. . .

. . . because I think you're intelligent and attractive--

That's plenty. Stop. Oh, my God ! I can't believe you'd come here. . .

. . .to tell me you like me after you fucked my friend !

That's just it, I didn't. I believe that I did not.

What? You said you don't remember!

If I don't remember because I was drunk, how could I have gotten it up?

I know this is outrageous and not normal.

I'm not pretending that I'm normal. I just chickened out--

Moron. Why? Why? Why?

And the plots, they all have this thing, this formula that was so cool.

Seriously, I would go through one in a day.

-A whole book in one day. Wow. -See, Gossamer would always take on. . .

. . .two cases that were seemingly unrelated.

One's normal and the other's some wild shit. . .

. . .then you'd find out that they're connected.

That it's all one case.

That's the essence of the--

Yeah, I get that all the time. Would you mind not rooting around in there?

It's tiny. Is this real?

Yeah, it's a derringer. It's loaded.

-I call it my faggot gun. -Because?

It's only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better.

You asked, chief.

On with our lesson.

-My client is one Allison Ames. A-M-E-S. -Ames.

Female. She hired me to do some video surveillance.

-Is she a looker? -Oh, man.

She opens the door, she got nothing on but the radio.

Invites me to sit down, sits on my lap. . .

-. . .fires up a smoke. -Really?

No. Idiot.

She hired me over the phone.

-Paid for it with a credit card. -Okay.

Rule number one: This business, real life, it's boring.

-Do you have to smoke? -You want me to put it out?

Yeah, soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs, just throw it in there.

So you knew Harmony in high school. You said she dissed you.

No, not really. She fucked every other guy but me.

No, that's not true. She made one concession.

She agreed not to fuck my best friend, Chook Chutney.

He was my best friend, so she gave me that.

-Well, that was nice of her. -Even if he asked, she said she wouldn't.

Stay put. Be quiet.

"Chook Chutney"? Yeah, he's gay.

-What's wrong with his car? -Do I look like a mechanic?

-Are we gonna follow him? -Where'd he go?

He was right in front of us, then he cut in-- Where is he?

What the hell. He's gotta be somewhere. He turned right in front of us.

-Jesus! -Shit!

Harry, come back.


-There's no one in the car. Harry. -What?

Harry, stop.

-I think it's going down. -Wait, the sound.

-Check the back seat. -No, get the keys!

The keys! Get the keys!





Where'd she come from?

She was in the trunk. I had to shoot the lock to get it open.

Oh, Jesus.

God, what did they do to her face?

-Is she dead? -No. She's resting her eyes for a minute.

Of course she's fucking dead. Her neck's broken.

-Hey, what the hell's going on? -Shut up.

-Hey, we got a dead girl here! -Hey, shut up.

Two guys in masks, and there they go.

What the fuck is going on? This is bad.

We gotta roll before the cops come.

-Nix. We go right to the cops. -Exactly, to the cops. . .

. . .who'll believe that she broke her neck before you shot her in the head.


-Come on, we gotta go. -Oh, God.

-We gotta go. Go, go, go. -Oh, God.

Oh, God.

-All right, we're out of here. -We gotta go, go, go.

Where's my gun?

-No, I-- -Give me my gun.

-I got rid of it. -Say again.

Threw it in the lake. You wouldn't, I would.

I got priors in New York, so I can't be messing around--

-You threw it away? -It's evidence.

-Watch it. Relax. -Okay, okay. No, I'm sorry.

-I got a little nonplussed there. -This is crazy. I understand.

-What is that? Is that a clue? -What do you mean?

-Do you see that? -In the thing?

What were you thinking?

My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. . .

. . .you threw next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake?

You think they'll find my pistol?

Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?

-A picture of me? -No. . .

. . .the definition of the word "idiot," which you fucking are.

Bitch client.

Hires me, has me witness a murder.

-Can I use a dry towel? This towel's wet. -No.

-This towel is wet. -The towel is for the seat.

This was for your shoes. You handed it to me for my face?

-This is wet. Can I use a dry--? -It's dirty. No.

-Can I--? -No. Stop dripping.

Shit better be improving your acting.

-Get out. -Sorry about the gun.

Whatever. Out.

Go. Sleep badly.

Any questions, hesitate to call.

-Bad. -Excuse me?

Sleep bad.

Otherwise, it seems like the mechanism that allows sleep--

What, fuckhead? "Badly" is an adverb. Who taught you grammar? Out. Vanish.

-I'll give you a buzz. -Die.

That's all right, don't apologize.

-Blow me. You forgot this. -Oh, thanks.

-Hello? -l'm trying to locate Harry Lockhart.

-Speaking. -l'm detective Sgt. Kale.

Mind answering a question or two?

Of course, no problem. Fire away, officer.

Are you familiar with a woman by the name of Harmony Faith Lane?

Yeah, what's this--?

Are you aware of giving your number to Miss Lane recently?

-On a slip of paper, perhaps? -No.

-Are you sure? -Well, maybe she had my number. Why?

We're required by law to treat every suicide as a potential homicide.

Harmony Lane shot herself, sir.

-Suicide? -Yes--


-I'll be goddamned. -Jesus.

Don't blame yourself. Listen. . .

-. . .sometimes these things just happen-- -For a reason.

For a reason? Fuck that.

Why? Because I fall off a building, 1 0 people in Baltimore. . .

. . .survive a bus crash?

Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore. I'm lying here with my brains out.

I've been to Baltimore, you win.

Listen. . .

-. . . I'm really sorry. I gotta go. -Yeah.

I gotta go.

I have to go.

Genaros. Pure drinking pleasure. l prefer Genaros. But what do l know? l'm a bear. l suck the heads off fish.


l was tired. l was pissed. l was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club.

I needed a hot bath, a warm bed.

But the night had other plans for me.

-Oh, you did? -l got the Cyber Agent.

-You got the Cyber Agent. -lt has all the cool weapons.

You got Protocop coming too.

It's gonna be worth more too because I think he's, like, paralyzed now.

Son of a bitch !

See, l forgot, old Jonny, he always had two cases. Remember?

How are you?


She's gone, Harry.

-Yeah. -She's gone.

I know. Who?

Fact is, she stole not only your credit card, but your ID.

We're very sorry about the mix-up on our part.

So are you willing to positively identify this woman as your--

-My sister! Yes! -Your sister was here?

Oh, God ! God, we haven't spoken in years.

She's never forgiven me for leaving her all alone.

-I'm just gonna get you a blanket. -I don't want a blanket!

-But you're shivering. -I don't care!

You're freaking me out. Will you relax, okay?

-Oh, God. -I'm so glad that you're okay. . .

. . . but now, I don't know, you're making me more nervous. Sit down.

-Okay. -Tell me what happened.

Yesterday, Jenna, she got into my house, Harry.

She must have been broke, I don't know.

She swiped 200 bucks, a credit card, California ID, God knows what else.

-Right. -Oh, God.

-No more lies, Harry. -No.


Are you a detective?

-Are you a detective? -Who told you that?

Flicka. Flicka. You know, my friend? She told me.

She told me you were a detective.

-If you are, then I really need your help. -Well--

That's empty, honey.

Okay, I know this sounds crazy, Harry, but listen. Okay. Okay.

-My sister's been living out here. . . . -Harmony's sister, dead. What the hell?

What was she even doing here? The lady in the lake, now the sister.

This was two corpses in three hours. Am l crazy? That's unusual, right?

Yeah, looking back, l maybe should've told her...

...l wasn't really a nipple-- Detective.

Detective. Sorry. l should've said something, but she wouldn't shut up.

The card she stole from me was maxed out.

Right before she died, she charged over $2000 on it. That's weird, isn't it?

Sentron something. Some bullshit company! Plus--

Red flag, Harry. She took her birth control pill for the day.

Why would she even bother with the pill, huh?

She was murdered, Harry. She was murdered. She was murdered.

Honey, all right. Relax, relax, relax. Okay, relax.

Are you gonna help me, Harry?

-I gotta check my schedule-- -If you're not gonna help me. . .

. . . I need to get out of here, find someone that'll help me.

-I just gotta check my schedule. -Can you help me?

If you're not gonna help me, I need to find somebody else!

-My caseload is pretty-- -Oh, Harry, thank you.

Yuck, come on.

-It was nothing. I didn't do anything. -What are you doing?

-I didn't do anything. -You were grabbing my tit.

No, there was a spider. There was a big spider.

-Oh, please, whatever. -I swear to God.

Look, I'll find it. I'll find the thing. Where are you? Fuzzy little bitch.

-Whatever. It's okay, I believe you. -Clearly, you don't.

Look, Harry, you grabbed my tit. It's life, all right? It's no biggie.

No biggie? Guy grabs your tit, "That's life, no biggie"?

I mean, what kind of talk is that?

No, you tell me. What kind of talk is that? I can't believe you.

I can't believe that that's the reaction that--

See there?


-I trust you. -Right.

What is your problem? I'm letting you off the hook. You didn't do anything.

No, but you thought I did.

Do you get it? I'm on the hook. The hook is my home. Do you understand?

Listen to me. I grab your tit, it's a fucking biggie!

That came out wrong. But what I'm saying is. . .

. . .you act like, "Oops, it's an okay lapse. You know, everybody does it."

What the fuck kind of guys you hang out with here?

I mean, are you the kind of girl who like, you know. . .?

Who what, Harry?

Who what?

Forget it.

I'm sorry, just relax. Just get some rest, okay?

Okay, we'll start on your case tomorrow. All right?

-Afternoon good? -Whatever, Harry.

-I'm going. -Okay.

-I'm taking some sweats, all right? -Yeah, anything you want to borrow.

-I'll give them back. -Yeah. Yeah, anything in the drawer.

If it's in the drawer, it's clean.

Night, Harry.


This is. . . .

-This is really great. -Isn't it?

-I'm leaving. -Yeah, some nice rest.


Fuck oftf--!

Say again? They gave her back?

Yes. She's in my shower. I'm looking at her, for chrissake.

That's impossible. They don't even know you.

You're right. The body can't be here. This is all a dream. There's Elmo the elf.

-Shut up. How did they get in? -I don't know.

How am I supposed to know? Fire escape, maybe.

Okay, first things first. We gotta move her somewhere. You got gloves?

-Excuse me? -Gloves. Do you have gloves?

You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's calling the cops on you.

Do this: Wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.

-Okay, any particular kind of gloves? -Yes, fawn.

Will you fucking hurry?

-Perry? -Yeah?

-I peed on it. -What? You peed on what?

I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, an ID from that?

-I'm sorry, you peed on--? -On the corpse. My question is--

No, my question. I get to go first.

Why in poo-perfect hell would you pee on a corpse?

It's not like I did it for kicks.

You said this doesn't happen. This is your fault!

Shut up and listen. First, we have to wrap the body.

Second, you've got to find the gun.

-Say this with me, "Find the gun." -Find the gun.

Damn it, I threw it in the lake.

Not my gun, idiot. They dropped the body on you, it's a frame-up.

Then they also have planted a gun, trust me. Move it.

I'll be there in four minutes.

Caller specified room 71 4, some sort of brawl or something. Violent.

Yeah, 71 4. Lockhart.

-Let me get you the key. -Actually, it's not 71 4, it's 51 4.

I was just up there, and it's really noisy.

-Let's get the key. -Yep, pretty awful.

-Don't answer that. -Yeah, duh.

-That it? -No, that's the corpse. . .

. . .from the last guy who stayed here.

Fuck off. Was there a gun?

Yeah, it's right here. Perry, sons of bitches made us, made me.

I'm in town for two days, they know who I am and where to find me.

-That's impossible. -Yeah, it's totally nuts. Back stairway.

I forgot to tell you, Harmony's alive. She thinks her sister was murdered.

-Come again? -Never mind.

See, these dudes tonight, they see two assholes out of nowhere.

-What do they think? -They think we know something.

They panic. They got a body, they've gotta dispose of the evidence.

In my shower? Come on, you said real life.

-They were setting you up, dummy. -They're not setting me up. Shut up.

You change your tune every five minutes.

-Kiss me. -What? No, no, no.

Check out Doris and Lucinda over here.

These lessons suck.

I quit. This is not being a detective. Corpses floating in lakes. . .

. . . people kissing people. This is wrong. This is every shade of wrong.

Somebody wanna fill me in?

She thinks I'm a detective, so go along with it.

-What? -Don't fuck me up.


Do you know the cops are looking for you, Harry?

-They are? -Yeah.

I sent them to the wrong room. I didn't know what else to do.

You did fine. Perry and I, we're just--

-Hiya, Perry. -We're just running, you know, a game.

Perry, what do you call it?

The old Bring Them In and Push Them Out. That's what we're doing.

What's going on?

Why are you and Perry nacking on each other?

l sent her home believing, A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case...

...and, B, l wasn't actually gay.

Do not ask me how l did B.

Why didn't we just leave it there?

Think, dummy. A 91 1 call from your hotel room. . .

. . .all of a sudden, there's a corpse outside? Bad idea.

Speaking of bad ideas, what's this about you taking on your own case?

Of all the dipshit things to do.

Killed herself, by the way.

Killed herself. I solved your case for you.

-Harmony's convinced-- -I don't care about-- Listen to me.

-Little sis punched her own ticket. -Okay. Gotcha.

All right, this looks good up ahead. Time to lose the luggage.

Sorry, sweetheart.

You deserved better.

Before I left, I got her into foster care.

I've never told you just how awful he treated her. My dad, I'm talking about.

I'll tell you what, I take notes, in general. . .

. . .so if you're just real specific, thorough and precise, that'll help.

I remember only lying to her one time.

I said to her:

"Maybe the man who is living here is not your father."

You told your sister she was adopted, yeah?

No, I did one better.

I told her her real father was an actor. . .

. . .who was in the movie that came through town.

-Jonny Gossamer-- -Jonny Gossamer movie. That's right.

I told Jenna one day she'd go to Hollywood. . .

. . .and she'd meet her famous, real father.

She believed me, Harry, and she came out here looking for him.

Okay, this is a bunch. I can start my. . .

-. . . process, I guess. -Thank you.

I'm on the case. Here is my card.

-It's a magic card, so. . . . -Wow, "the Amazing Harold."

-Just say "abracadabra." -What happened, somebody sue you?

It used to be "alakazam" when you cut me in half.

And, not to be picky, but it was "Harold the Great."

No, I used to be great, now I'm amazing. Get with it.

Hi, it's me. You hear anything?

No, there's nothing in the papers, so. . . .

I'm busy working on Harmony's case.

What case? Leave her alone.

News on Channel 5, just starting. Call me after.

--a kidnapping gone wrong. lt is unclear why his daughter...

...was subsequently murdered or where. . .

...for she was almost certainly killed and then moved, police sources say.

Veronica Dexter was reported missing yesterday afternoon...

...when she failed to greet her boyfriend at the airport.

Miss Dexter recently made headlines when she returned from Paris. . .

. . .and withdrew her multimillion-dollar lawsuit against her father... Harlan Dexter.

Mr. Dexter owns the prestigious Dexter Clinic.

His wife died last spring, prompting Veronica's return to the U.S...

...and a father-daughter reconciliation following years of estrangement.

Veronica Dexter, 25 years old yesterday. Paul.

We were just at that party. Are you telling me. . .

. . .that the girl in the lake, that was Veronica Dexter?

Positive ID, scars, dental records.

-You talked to your police guy? -Yeah, not much there.

The lab report came back, no sign of rape.

Boils down to this:

Veronica Dexter, yesterday afternoon about 4:30, left her home.

Went off to the airport, pick up some dude, old boyfriend. Off she went.

-That was the last anybody saw of her? -With a symmetrical, ungooshed head.

Police ever find the car?

No, genius, that was us. Remember?

Oh, yeah, right.

-The killers were at the party, Harry. -They were?

-The killers were at Dexter's? -That's how they recognized you.

It's getting too scary. You gotta bail. Get a flight out, today.

But I got my screen test Tuesday. I'll go Wednesday.

-You're not getting the part. -Fuck oftf. Don't be a schmuck.

-I know it's a long shot. -You're not gonna get the part.

You're not listening to me. You won't get the-- Harry!

You're not gonna get the part, okay? Colin Farrell wants too much money.

Do you get me now?

Dabney, he unearths a discovery. New kid, works for cheap.

Flies him out here, high profile, parties. . .

. . .screen tests, detective lessons, all of it.

You were just being used.

Shave a couple million off of Colin Farrell's price tag.

Sorry, chief. There it is.

I'm not gonna lie to you anymore.

I understand if you wanna take a swing at me. You fuck!

You sissy bitch !


Don't bother asking Harmony out on your date.

She wasn't very happy to find out that you're not a detective, that you lied.

-You told her? -Pick those up.

Pick them up.

Why did you tell her? You didn't have to tell her.

-I am an idiot. I thought we were friends. -We're not friends.

-I was in trouble, you were there for me. -No, I was-- Stop speaking.

I was there protecting my employer, Dabney. Hello.

He pays me to insulate him from corpses.

I'm not a nice man, Harry.

Go home before something bad happens to you.

-What, are you threatening me? -No, moron.

Go home before the bad guys do something bad to you.

Right, I get it. Fine.

Merry Christmas. Sorry I fucked you over.

No problem. Don't quit your gay job.

Arriving passengers from flight number 758 from Denver...

...may retrieve their baggage at carousel two.

Hey, Flicka. Hey, it's me, Harry.

Remember me? What's up, honey? How are you?

-She doesn't want to talk to you. -Oh, no, no. I know.

Did you ever think maybe I don't want to talk to her?

I just saw your really distinctive ears.

You look different, but it's obviously Flicka.

-Maybe it's you I'm interested in. -Is that true?

Not really. Look, she must have a cell phone, right? She must.

-Forget it. This is between you two. -Look, I got a ticket. I am leaving.

I'm going back to the East Coast, and that's--

No? Come on, I just want to say something to her.

Just anything before I split. I'm begging you. Come on, help me out.

-I'm gonna regret this. -No, you're not. . .

. . .and that is a very smart suit, by the way.

-It's not here, that's funny. -What's funny?

Nothing. It's just under her stage name.

Oh, God. Everyone's got a stage name. What's her stage name?

Ames. Allison Ames.

Okay, well, I'll just write it down and then--

Hey! Say that name again.

-Allison Ames. -Allison Ames. A-M-E-S.

-That's her stage name. -I just said that.

That's the name on her credit cards.

-How am I supposed to know? -Fuck! Thanks, honey. Gotta roll.


You have reached the offices of Sentron, lnc. Leave a message.

Newsflash, Perry. Your client, Ames, it was the little sister.

Repeat, the little sister.

That's where Harmony's 2 grand went.

It's in your bank, you overpriced bastard.

Her kid sister hired you.

Do you get this? Your case and my case are the same fucking case.

-Come on ! -Get out of my life!

I'm at the airport, right, and I run into Flicka, and she says--

-Did I just cut off your finger? -Yeah.

It's on the floor, to my periph-- I don't wanna see it. Pick it up, put it on ice.


You're a genius, Harry. You're a genius.

Oh, my God, l'm so sorry l had to bail on you, but l had to go to work. l am going nuts here. l can't stop thinking about this.

What's my sister's connection to Veronica Dexter?

She predicted that murder, Harry. She sent you and Perry to that exact spot.

That whole thing is wild. You know what else is nuts? You cut off my finger!

Oh, God, Harry, I am so sorry about that. How is it?

It's fine. It's all shut up. They gave me painkillers.

-Where's Perry? We gotta find him. -Perry's coming by here.

I'm working a party on Sunset Plaza.

Remember you said the killer may have been at Dexter's party?

-Well, that whole bunch is here tonight. -Honey, put me on the list, I'll drop by.

I'll see if I can stir up the kettle, stick out my hat, see if anyone shoots at it.

Maybe you could put the hat in the kettle. . .

. . .and if they shoot at it, it'll ricochet. Harry, you sound trashed.

Give me the address. I'm coming.

l showed up mildly whacked on Demerol. . .

...thinking Harmony's theory wasn't so crazy.


What if little sis had been murdered by the same assholes...

. . .who offed Veronica Dexter?

Remember? With the ski masks, those dudes.

Then and there, I made a decision. lf it fucking killed me, l would not stop...

...until l got, like, two more Demerol.

No, seriously, l was on the case. Harry Lockhart, L.A.P.l.

-I got it. -What do you got?

Just now. My friend Tiff does the video dubbing at Fox.

-" Lord of the Cock Rings." -No, Harry, it's a fake label.

Copyright infringement, she'd get fired. It's a Jonny Gossamer movie.

If Jenna was hunting her mystery dad, this is where she would start, right?

-Jesus, don't patronize me! -I'm not.

-You're patronizing me. -No, I'm not. It's just a funny little buzz.

I don't know if this guy's your boyfriend or not. . .

. . . but when you were in the bathroom, he was checking me out.

What? What is it out here with these women?

Please, they're no different from anywhere else.

They are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back.

Take a guy who sleeps with 1 00 women a year, go into his childhood. . .

. . .dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular.

Now, you take one of these gals who sleeps with 1 00 guys a year. . .

. . .and I bet you if you look in their childhood. . .

. . .there's something rotten in Denver.

-Denmark. -That too. But it's abandonment. . .

. . . it's abuse. It's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa."

Then they all come out here.

It's like someone took America by the East Coast and shook it. . .

. . .and all the normal girls managed to hang on.

Okay, everybody who hates Harry here raise their hand.

-See that? Obedient little bitches too. -Fuck you !


Okay, you've got 30 of my fucking seconds, thrill me.

All right, guys, cast list.

Catch. That's the credit card my sister used to hire you.

So who's in this cinematic milestone?

-We got a Michael Beck, whoever that is. -He's the star of Xanadu, with. . .

-. . .Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly. -Gay.

-What? -Nothing.

Perry, listen up. I know this is a long shot, but indulge me, please.

We gotta lose the hat. I'm sorry, honey, I can't--

-God, I'm working ! -I know, but just forget it.

Seriously, don't jump all over me. Just pay attention. Watch it, please.

-That's Harlan Dexter. -What?

-Who's Har--? What? -Look, that's--

He's 20 years younger, but that's Harlan Dexter.

Always sees the inside of a police van.

No way.

This kind of makes sense. He had the Gossamer books at his house.

Used to be an actor.

I remember him now. 1 980. Oh, my God, I saw him like this.

-Young. -Where?

In Indiana. He was there with the movie crew.

Remember, I told you he looked familiar. Oh, God, this can't be true.

And your sister has to have seen this, so you know what it comes down to.

You tell your sister a fairy tale about her real father--

And 20 years later, she comes out to L.A. hunting Harlan Dexter.

I've got a surveillance in MacArthur Park.

I gotta follow some chick around till midnight. Do not play detective.

This is not a book. This is not a movie.

We got it. Do you think I'm stupid?

You wouldn't know where to feed yourself. . .

. . . if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid.

Harry, don't listen to a word he says, all right? We're getting somewhere.

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm going back to work.


-Excuse me. -What's up, baby? How you feeling?

-I'm just gonna-- -Come and take a walk. Walk with me.

Great, this is fucking rich.

Well, now, here we all are:

-Ike, Mike and Mustard. -What the hell does that mean?

I'm with him on this one. That's pretty fucking obscure.

-I hear that all the time. -You do?

-Yeah, sure. -Where? At the 1 942 Club?

-Just because you didn't get it-- -Motherfucker, I could-- Slow your roll.

This is bullshit. What will you do, take me out here? There's sec--

-Keep talking. Keep talking. -You wanna know who we are?

I'm the frying pan, see? And my boy over here--

He's Mustard. I'm Mustard, baby.

-Sure. -He's the fire.

-Fuck you, Mr. Mustard. -Here we go.

Now, me and my man, we're puzzled lately by your behavior, such as--

Such as why is a savvy, stand-up cat like yourself consorting with gay men?

Frolicking in the lake together. What is that?

You're the guys who were wearing the masks.

-You don't ask the questions. -Don't ask questions.

God, you just tore up my fucking finger! I just got this fixed. Jesus!

I bet there's a doctor in New York, clear that shit right up.

Clear it right up.

L.A. don't want you no more, tough guy.

All right?

-How much further to the hospital? -Five minutes away.

Talk to me. Our mascot, back in high school, who was it?

Come on, Harry, stay with me.

Whitey, the white knight. Whitey.

I guess it's better than calling him "Knighty."

Then it'd be Knighty Knight. Soon it'd be Toodles, and then Ta-Ta.

-It's very emasculating. -Harry, that's them. Twelve o'clock.

You said it's a black guy and a white guy?

You're right. Get the plate, call the cops.

-Let me find a pen. -No. Whatever. Watch the road.

Are we slowing down?

-No, I'm getting a pen. -Are you following them? Better not be.

-Tell me you're not following them. -I'm taking you to the hospital.

-Oh, shit. They're turning. -What?

Holy shit.

Perry's stakeout. It's a setup. They're going to MacArthur Park after Perry!

Wait a second ! My finger's hanging off. We gotta move on this.

We're gonna go save Perry, really quickly.

Then we'll go fix your finger.

It'll be like, "Hey, Perry, look out." Boom, back in the car. All right?

-Cool? -Yeah. This is exhausting.

Bingo. All right. All right, Harry.

Twelve o'clock, that's them. One of them is on foot.

God, Harry. Shit, if I leave the keys, can you take yourself to the hospital?

-Oh, yeah, sure. -All right, good.

-I got the gun you gave me. -You what?


Now, where you going?

No, no, no. Don't fight it.

Let it happen, baby.


Perry, watch out! Goddamn it, turn around !

Son of a bitch !

How about that, you fucking animals! Goddamn cocksuckers.

-Perry. -Where the hell did you come from?

-He got away. -It's okay. You did good.

-I couldn't shoot him, Perry. Oh, God. -You did fine. You did fine.

We gotta go now.


Anyone home?


Anyone home? I got an injury problem. Hello.

All right, first things first. You've gotta ditch that car.

I know, I know. I've--

I know you said that there was gonna be consequences, but fuck.

I saw him shot to death.

-I was scared. -Look, it's okay, yeah.

We can absolutely talk about it, all right?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

It's nothing against your boss. I'm grateful. I just--

I spoke to him.

You'll never have to go through anything like that again.

I swear.



Who are you?


Well, hey.

So you still here, huh, tough guy?

Oh, you got a gun, I see.

Well, damn, you are tough.



Hey. Hey!


-Yeah? What? -Where the hell are you?

I'm with one of the kidnappers. One of them, anyhow. I shot him. He's dead.

Come here, you fuck.

Wipe the place clean and get out of there.

I want to, but I can't.

-So do it. -My fingerprint's here. The dog's got it.

-No one's gonna dust the fucking dog. -He's got the finger, asshole. . .

-. . .with the print part. -Get the finger, kill the dog, get out.

Hang on.

Shit. Well, I think. . . .

I think we're safe.


-Harry? -Hey, Perry, I shot a guy.

I never did that before.

Harry, listen--

--link to the items found in the Silver Lake home... the kidnap-murder of socialite Veronica Dexter.

Police theorize a falling out between the kidnappers...

...resulting in at least two deaths, and possibly a third tonight.

So this evening, was it Jonny Gossamer enough for you?

To tell you the truth, Jonny Gossamer always has a way bigger ending.

There's always the part where the guy gets tortured.

Yeah, tortured, sure. Then he usually breaks free and shoots, like, 1 6 guys.

Yeah, 1 6 guys. It's always 1 6. That's funny.

So this thing, it's over, right? They say the kidnappers are all dead, so. . . .

Well, Harry, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say. . .

. . .that I still didn't have a few questions.

Harmony's sister.

If she stumbles on a murder plot, why hire me to film it?

-Why not simply go to the police? -Right. And I still think. . .

. . .this Veronica Dexter father-daughter business is wanky.

So the whole reconcilement thing?

"Reconciliation," idiot.

She comes back to the States, drops the lawsuit, moves in with her father.

-Suddenly they're inseparable? -So, what are you saying?

We're gonna, like, probe deeper?

-Absolutely not. -What?

What are you talking about? My sister paid you.

-What, you're gonna bail? -Harmony. . .

. . .do you want your sister's money back? Done.

In the meantime, back off.

Before you get me and Harry killed.

Pardon me.

Hey, I lucked out. They gave me the same room.

-Lucky you. -It's pretty good. You wanna come up?

No, I don't wanna come up. Why would I go up there?

-They cleaned it. -The car is coming. I'm going. Jesus.

You know what, Harry? Stop.

Why'd you lie to me?

It was an excuse to stay around you. So I think, in the realm of lies--

You are such a dumb-ass.

-I am so not who you think I am, Harry. -And who would that be?

You think I'm-- You think I'm amazing.

You do. You think I'm so amazing. . .

. . . because that's who I told you I'd be.

Yeah, that was the game plan.

-You know what? It worked. -No one else thinks so.

-My opinion doesn't count? -No, it doesn't.

Because you're new here.

Look around, there's younger and better.

I don't want younger and better, I want you.

I'm such a moron. I'm sorry. You know what--

-It doesn't matter, I'm going. Look, just-- -I'm such an idiot.

I steal shit.

-Come again? -That's what I do for a living.

I steal audio-visual components.

I steal. I robbed a house. I stole this watch.

It's a cool watch. It's got this little light thing. I stole this gum. . .

. . .from the lobby, because it was kind of a rush.

I've never finished anything that I've started my entire life.

Not school, not marriage, nothing.

And I have this thing where, like halfway in the middle, I just. . .

. . .and I cut and run.

Like the other night when you were all over me. . .

. . .and you gave up and just went for it with--

Prime example. I switched to the ugly friend. Homely friend. She's not ugly.

She's homely.

Don't go. Please.

Not yet.

This isn't finished.

-Turn around. -Why?

-Just turn around. -What, my tag's out?

-This dump have a bar? -Yeah.

-Call me "Slick" from here on out. -That was such a good job.

You snagged a ton of gum.

-I mean, petty theft-- -Oh, Harry.

I really didn't need that last shot of tequila.

Oh, God.

I just had a weird thought.

Veronica Dexter. I saw the body up close. Hell, I carried the damn thing.

Both times, the dress was soaked through, so it was transparent. So--

God, Harry, where are you going with this?

No, no, no. It's just--

Perry said this chick was deep into the born-again bit. . .

. . .so it's probably nothing, but just if she had on underwear. . .

. . . I didn't see any.

-I guess I'm taking the couch. -Yeah. Thanks.

Or you can sleep here. But it would only be sleeping, Harry.

If that's gonna frustrate you.

Let's see.

Oh, Harry.

So long ago.

Didn't really turn out the way we hoped, did it?

I guess if I racked my brain, I could think of worse places to be.

-Is that so, Whitey? -Whitey?

-Calling me a knight? -Maybe, yeah.

Except for the boner. That's not too knightly.

The hell it isn't. Actually, it's nightly and most mornings.

Fuck it, I'm not a knight. I'm sorry.

I'm thinking-- I'm going nuts, so I think maybe. . .

-. . .the couch is good. -What? Stop. Harry.

Or I can keep drinking until it goes away.

Harry, seriously, if you're at all uncomfortable. . .

. . . I am more than happy to do something.

-For chrissake, no. -Why not?

I don't want you to offer it as-- Not, "It's a courtesy freebie."

-You're so anal. -I don't want the backup:

"Let me just give you a hand here". . .

. . .as a kind of, like, default backup thing.

You're gonna stop calling me.

No. You know, that's crazy.

I swear to God, this is it.

You are the dream girl. You always have been.

This is destiny.


Before we do this. . .

. . . I have a little confession to make.

My best friend ! You said you were going to drop by his house, wave goodbye.

I was leaving for L.A. I was never gonna see him--

-He looked sad. -He looked sad?

-Yes, he did. -You slept with Chook Chutney.

Fuck. For chrissake, Harry, it was forever ago.

Come on, I was a different person back then.

-You slept with Chook. Excuse me. -Come on.

-Watch your hand. -Harry!

-Yeah. -Harry, was she raped?

The Dexter girl, was she raped?

No, the ME's report showed no indication of rape stuff.

You slept with Chook Chutney.

Wake up. Harry, wake up.

-Get up. -What's up?

Harmony's in trouble. Get dressed.

Let's go.

Perry, it's me. Listen, this Veronica Dexter business stinks. l'm gonna go check on something Harry said.

Call me. lf l'm right, you'll shit.

-What did you say to her? -Nothing.

-I don't get what's happening. -She solved this thing.

That sly little minx of yours has solved this case, and now I can't find her.

-You're worried. -You're not worried?

Of course. If you are, I should be.

Now, what did you say? Think.

-You said something about the case. -Yeah. Yeah.


l tell him about destiny. He's shaking his head.

About dream girls, he doesn't care. l mention the underwear thing...

...he has a fucking conniption.

And you? How about it, filmgoer?

Have you solved the case of the dead people in L.A.?

Times Square audiences, don't shout at the screen.

And stop picking at that, it'll just get worse.

-This won't take a second. -Right.

Hi. How are you doing tonight?

They gave away my crickets.

Excuse me, you wouldn't, by chance, happen to have seen this woman?

No. I don't like him. Kurt Cobain, he took my cricket.

Of course. That's sad.

Ma'am, I hope you won't be offended when I ask you. . .

. . . if you're wearing anything at all underneath your hospital blues.

Any undergarments. It's important.

That's the clue. Veronica Dexter was a patient here.

Private mental clinic, where even nice girls don't wear undies.

How could she be here and meanwhile, she's out having parties?

Think. First she hates her dad, then loves him. Has a lawsuit, withdraws it. Why?

-I'll tell you why. -Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. So it's two different girls, right?

He stashed his daughter in here, and then he put the ringer on the street.

He needs someone who looks like her to withdraw the complaint.

-It's been 1 0 years. -This is nuts.

-It's right out of a Gossamer book. -Of course. . .

. . . because the guy who planned the crimes has all the books.

He's read them all. They're in his house. Plus, he was in that piece of shit. . . You're telling me the girl imposter--

A desperate man needs a replacement daughter.

Along comes a girl, Harmony's sister.

-Fresh off the bus, looking for her dad. -I'd say I found my imposter.

Let's get out of here.

-So where did she go from here? -Shut up, I'm thinking.

By the way, this thing:

Single gayest thing you've ever done.

-Evening, gentlemen. -Hi, we are so incredibly lost.

Mr. Van Shrike, hello.

You look chilly. Come back inside.

I'm from back East. I'm kind of digging the cold.

-Fuck! He's the one who said it. -Or I can kill you here.

Harry, I was thinking some more about this reality versus fiction.

Like in the movies, when a guy sticks a gun at some schmuck's back and says:

-"Let's take a walk." He's got a hostage. -I've seen that movie.

In reality, the pros like about five feet of separation.

That's so the schmuck doesn't take the gun back and make him eat it.

Doesn't that suck? I just hit you for no reason.

Watch it.

-Tell us where Harmony is. -Fuck you, mary.

You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop."

This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.

For chrissake, who are you protecting? It's all over. Dexter is going down.

-Down. -I know about Veronica's lawsuit.

I know Dexter was facing ruin. I even know he switched daughters.

Which, for God's sake, actually did work for a while, till last week.

-Then he had to kill her, huh? -Put a sock in it.

-I'm asking a question. -If you ask questions. . .

. . .then it seems like we don't know anything. Okay?

And for the record, it was the boyfriend, the guy from Paris.

He would've spotted the fake and said, "That's not Veronica." Am I right?

-Fuck you ! -Exactly.

So Dexter had Veronica killed, threw a dress on her. . .

. . .dumped the body and walked away clean, except for one little thing.

-Underpants. -One tiny little pair of undies.


You think that's funny, huh? I'm gonna break your nose now.

I want you to picture a bullet inside your head. Can you do that for me?

Fuck you.

-Anyway, that's ambiguous. -Ambiguous? I don't think so.

He means when you say, "Picture it inside your head". . .

. . . is that "a bullet will be inside your head". . .

-. . .or "picture it in your head"? -Harry, will you shut up.

I don't know anything about a girl, seriously. I was bluffing.

-I think that you are bluffing right now. -Harry, what are you doing?

What I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluftf. . .

. . . is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing?" Where is she?

Where the fuck is Harmony? You want to play hardball?

Where is the girl?

What did you just do?

-I just put in one bullet, didn't I? -You put a live round in that gun?

Yeah, there was like an 8 percent chance.

-Eight? Who taught you math? -Maybe it was more. I don't know--


-Hello? -Perry, is that you?

-Hey, it's me. -Hi, Harmony.

-What's going on? -Where are you?

-At home. -You're at home?

I just got back. I was in the Hills all day. Shitty reception.

-You don't sound so good. -Why aren't you following your lead?

Oh, forget it. It's just crazy.

No, it's not crazy. Listen--

-lt's right out of a Gossamer book. -Don't talk. Listen.

-Eight percent. -And you, stop multiplying.

No, not you. Listen, call downtown. . .

. . .see if Veronica Dexter's body has gone to the mortuary.

If it has, see if there's a cremation scheduled.

-Wait, Perry. -Call me back right away.

Look, he was gonna kill you anyway. He said so.

Cover him up. I'll get the car.

-All right, that's pretty much all done. -Harry--

I got an idea. I say we take the son of a bitch Dexter down.

To the racetrack and buy the son of a gun a drink.

What do you say, Perry? Oh, fuck, no fair. No fucking fair.

Aurelio, give Mr. Van Shrike a little pat down.

Fucking maricón.

Toss it here. Let's see who it is.

We're in trouble. Dexter's got us.

He just asked a carpet-cleaning service to save him.

Sorry, kid. Good hands, though.

Thanks. Used to be a magician.

And for 39.99 we'll carpet up to three rooms in half the time.

That's a $40 value. Act today.

That chick in the casket, she won't even match up with that. . .

. . . ringer you been toting around. You ever think about that?

He did, Harry. That's why he's cremating the body.

Yeah, you ready?

Speak of the devil. Gotta go.

Perry, nice to have known you.

-Harry. -Harry. Yes, of course.

Harry from New York.

I hope you don't judge Los Angeles based solely on your experience tonight.

I'm kind of scared here, Perry.

Aurelio, why don't you give the kid a break?

Do unto others and all that. It's Christmas.

-Who else knows? -I don't know anything.

I'm not even from here, you fuck-up.

Mr. Dexter, the coffin's good to go.

Okay, let's burn the bitch.

You could zap his chest. It'd be easier.

But we know why you gotta do it down there.

You like looking at his johnson, don't you?

Admit it, dude, you got it in you.

Enough ! Look me in the eyes and tell me you've never been with a man.

-Fuck you, maricón! Fuck you ! -That's what you want, isn't it?

-You want to fuck me. -Stop helping. Stop helping.

-If you are not gay, just say so. -Fuck you, maricón!

-Look at him. He can't even say it. -Stop helping !

-Can't wait to have you as a patient. -Bet you can't.

-This is what you want. Here. -Shut up!

Take a look. You want some of this right here? Look at this.

Just shut up!

Yeah !

Homophobes never check there.

Thank God you had a gun in there. I thought it was a gay thing. . .

. . . like somehow you guys could do that. Sorry.

-Are you okay? -Not really, no.

Gentlemen, let's wrap it up and get out of here.

-Who's driving? -I tell you what, I'll flip you for it.

All right.

-This way, come on. -Shit!

-Yeah. -Hey, Harmony, it's me.

Oh, God, how did you get away?

I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls.

I can't get to my car. We're near Olive and the freeway. Can you pick us up? l'm in a van with the body. l'll be there in 30 seconds.

All right, be where I can see you. Be ready to move.

Shit, they're on my tail. I gotta go.

Right there. She's right there! Shit.


-Harmony! -Harry, don't!

Come on, we gotta go. They're coming back around. Harmony's down there.

Perry, what's wrong?

Come on, breathe.



Harold. . .

. . . use your awesome might.

Save me from this hopeless plight.

Harold. . . .


Captain Fucking Magic.

Come on !


There, all done.



-Did you call me? -Harry, you're shot.

No, no. Look, you want to see something cool?

Cool ! This stopped the bullet, Harry.

No, not really.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, God, Harry.


-Hi. Welcome back. -Yeah.

-How many fingers? -Put that cat down, because I'm allergic.

You feeling okay? How's your. . .?

-My what? -Well, your. . . .

-Everything down there. -I can't believe he told you that.

It's Christmas, where's my present, Slick?

Your present is you're not in jail, fag-hag.

Yeah, boo, hiss, I know. Look, I hate it too. ln movies where the studio gets all paranoid about a downer ending... the guy shows up, he's magically aIive on crutches, I hate that.

I mean, shit, why not bring them all back.

But the point is, in this case, this time, it really happened.

Perry, like, lived. Yeah, it's a dumb movie thing...

...but what do you want me to do, lie about it?

So you found something out?

Yeah. But you're not gonna like it.

Dexter didn't murder your sister.

That's crazy. He was using my sister to impersonate his daughter, Perry.

Never happened. I talked to my police guy.

The ringer was a girl named Mia Frye, 23-year-old from Glendale.

When she wasn't impersonating Veronica Dexter. . .

. . .she wore a pink wig.

But my sister sent you up to Big Bear Lake, to his cabin.

Your sister was convinced that Dexter was her natural father. . .

. . .so she started following him, hanging around.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

One day your sister came calling, and she saw Dexter. . .

. . . in bed with the pink-haired girl.

What she thought was father and daughter.

Remember, that's how it would appear.

It was too much for her.

First the old father, now the shiny new one.

She couldn't handle it, and she took her own life.

What she hired me to film wasn't murder, but incest.

I'm sorry.

So much for unreality. l said goodbye...

...watched Jonny's world go back on the fiction shelf.

But whiIe it Iasted, brother...

. . .it was one for the books.

You should've told me you were arrested five times.

I should be pissed.

You should have told me that when you go home, you put on lady's underpants.

-That's cross-dressing, imbecile. -Whatever.

Half those guys are straight. Perfect fathers, love their kids.

How about you? Did your father love you?

Sometimes. You know, when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible. . .

. . . but he never actually said the words.

-Harry. -What?

Don't steal any more shit.

You're not a punk.

You bet I'll turn around.

You like that, huh?

I saw him in the commissary twice. What is he, like 6'4"?

He doesn't know he's gay. Look how he walks.

So that's pretty much that.

We went back to Indiana, the three of us, for Jenna's funeraI.

Don't worry, I saw the Iast Lord of the Rings. l won't have the movie end 1 7 times.

There is, though, one final scene for your viewing pleasure.

Do I know you?

No. Just in town for the funeral.

What do you want?

The zoo was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.

Son of a--

Who do you think you're talking to?

I buried my daughter today.


You buried her 20 years ago.

Harmony was right, her sister was murdered.

You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.

Who are you?

I loved my girl.

You fucker! If I could get out of this bed--

Yeah? Well, you can't.

You bastard !

An old man that can't defend himself.

Big tough guy.

Yeah, that's right.

Big tough guy.

l prefer Genaros, but what do l know? l'm a bear. l suck the heads off fish.

That's it. That's the true story of what happened last Christmas.

That was some pretty harsh shit with the old guy back there, right?

But whatever, he's creepy. Fuck him. Don't worry about him.

Anyhow, so. . . .

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for taking the trip to L.A. with me.

If I had to sum it up, and I do--

Because, you know, it's, like, the end.

--I would say that this movie is about-- It's about friendship.

-Friendship is sacred. -What are you doing?

I'm trying to wrap up the movie. . .

. . .and leave the people with a message.

I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my fucking desk.

Sorry. I work for Perry now.

-And stop narrating. -Obviously.

That's it. Please stay for the end credits.

If you're wondering who the best boy is, it's someone's nephew.

Don't forget to validate your parking.

For all of you good people in the Midwest. . .

. . .sorry we said "fuck" so much.

-Say good night. -Thanks again.

Now, go. Vanish.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang