Kiss Me, Stupid (1964) Script

'S wonderful

'S marvelous You should care For me

'S awful nice

'S paradise

'S what I love To see You make My life so glamorous You can't blame me for feeling amorous Now, is this a bit of terrific, hmm?

Last night, she was banging on my door for 45 minutes... but I wouldn't let her out.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous That you should care for me

Don't worry. I'll get the mail.

I'll get it.

Uh-oh. Speaking of my mo...

I have an amazing mother.

You know, she's 85 years old, and she don't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

She don't even open them anymore.

She goes right through the label.

Oh, and drinking?

My doctor said, "Stop drinking"... so I'm not gonna drink anymore.

I'm gonna freeze it now and eat it like a Popsicle.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous You should care For me

2, 3, 4.

'S awful nice

'S paradise

'S what I love To see I guess you all know this is my last night here.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Hollywood... and make a new picture... me, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr... and Joey Bishop... called "Little Women."

But before that, I'm gonna do a TV special... with Mr. Bing Crosby.

Now, why Bing works so hard, I'll never know.

He's got $21 million... on him.

My dear It's four-leaf clover time From now on, my heart's working overtime

I don't care who you are, fat man.

You get them reindeers off my roof.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous That you should care For me Good night! Good night!

See you next year!

Great, Dino. Only great.

They were rolling in the aisles.

Why didn't somebody take their dice away?

Dino.

Hmm?

Am I going to see you before you leave?

Just one last nightcap?

You got it.

I'll be in my room.

Keep your hat on.

What's her name? Mitzi?

No, no. Sylvia.

Sylvia.

This one is Mitzi.

Dino.

Hmm?

Are we going to get together tonight?

Just one for the road, huh?

It's a must.

My room later, OK?

This is beginning to look like Custer's last stand.

Like what?

Because it isn't just Sylvia and Mitzi.

There are all those other Indians.

You've got Janet in the dressing room...

Juicy Lucy up in your suite... and those German twins... waiting for you in the steam room.

That's the whole idea.

Now that I got everybody stashed away, I can beat it.

So you pack my stuff and put it in the car.

You're going to leave just like that, without saying good-bye?

Damn right, because if I start saying good-bye... to all these dames, you'll have to carry me out of here... what's left of me... in a cigar box... baby.


What's the matter?

That Sinatra kid missing again?

We had a bad pileup down the highway.

You'll have to take the detour.

Where does that lead to?

You come out at Barstow, by way of Warm Springs...

Paradise Valley, and Climax.

That's the only way to go.


Fill 'er up?

Yeah. No, no. Over here.

Anything else?

No, thanks.

Hey! You forgot your green stamps!

Hi, Barney!


Deedle, deedle, deedle Deedle, deedle, d...

No, no, Mulligan.

You've got an extra deedle in there.

It's six deedles, not seven.

Let's not monkey around with Beethoven, shall we?

Once more.

Orville.

Yes, dear?

What's the matter?

Please, dear, not now.


Mulligan, not only do you have a tin ear... you have lead fingers.

Whoever told you to take up the piano?

You did, sir.

Well, I need the money, but what's your excuse?

It says here molto espressione... which means with much expression... with feeling, with heart.


From the top again.


A-natural!

Just a minute, you.

Oh, hi there, Mr. Spooner.

Don't you "hi there" me.

I know your type, sneaking around to back doors.

All right, let's have it.

Have what?

That note my wife left you.

You must think I'm blind or stupid or something.

Oh, yeah, the... sure. The note.

She wanted, uh, two quarts of milk and a dozen eggs.

A likely story.

"Two quarts of milk. One dozen eggs."

What's it all about?

I'll tell you what it's all about.

It's about, um... buttermilk!

And she forgot to order buttermilk.

She always forgets.

She doesn't like buttermilk, but I like buttermilk.

There's nothing like buttermilk... especially if you have a lazy colon.

Excuse me.


No, no, no, Mulligan.

Now you're leaving out a deedle.

There are six deedles, not five.

Orville!

Yes, lambchop?

Zip me up, will you, please?

Going somewhere?

Yes, and I'm late.

I don't want to keep him waiting.

Of course not. Him? Whom?

The dentist.

Oh. You got a toothache?

No. Time to have my teeth cleaned.

You just had them cleaned.

I have to go in every three months.

Dr. Sheldrake says I have very tender gums.

Oh, he does, does he?

Bye, darling.

Bye.

Where did you get those flowers?

They're from Johnnie.

I picked them myself.

Isn't he sweet?

Yes, isn't he?

Well, I'm off.

See you, Johnnie.


How old are you, Mulligan?

Fourteen... going on fifteen.

Pretty big for your age, aren't you?

That's what they tell me.

You stay away from my wife, do you hear me?

What?

Pussyfooting around behind my back!

Bringing flowers to a married woman!

Let go of me!

You ought to be horsewhipped!

And don't you ever come back here again... you teenage wolf!

You male Lolita!

Orville!

Hey, you, Orville!

Listen to this! I think I got it. I...

Are you ready? I'm a poached egg.

You're a what?

I'm a poached egg.

That's it... the title of the song.

What song?

The one you played me yesterday.

Oh, that one.

I got the whole lyric worked out.

You want to hear it?

Not now, Barney.

I got other things on my mind.

Oh, come on. Come on.

I'm not in the mood.

It's a dilly, I'll tell you.

Give me a pickup.

I'm a poached egg Without a piece of toast Yorkshire pudding Without a beef to roast I'm a haunted house That hasn't got a ghost When I'm without you Brilliant?

I'm a mousetrap Without a piece of cheese I'm Vienna Without the Viennese I'm da Vinci Without the Mona Lis When I'm...

Mona Lis?

That's what makes it... the irregularity... that unexpected little twist.

Keep playing.

It's ridiculous.

What do you mean ridiculous?

I mean this whole songwriting business.

What are we knocking ourselves out for?

We must have written fifty songs by now.

Sixty-two.

And what's happened? Nothing.

We write them. I copy them.

We send them out to all the publishers... and the record companies and the singers...

Tony Bennett, Barbra Streisand...

Nat "King" Cole, the Four Freshmen.

And do we ever hear from any of them?

No! They just steal the stamps... from the return self-addressed envelopes.

Are we gonna go through that again?

Irving Berlin wrote a hundred songs... before he hit it with "Alexander's Ragtime Band."

And what about George Gershwin and Richard Rodgers?

But they were professionals... and we're amateurs buried here in Climax, Nevada.

Where do you think Cole Porter came from?

Peru, Indiana.

Hank Mancini? Aliquippa, Pennsylvania.

Johnny Mercer? Savannah, Georgia.

And he only won four Academy Awards.

So play!

I'm Las Vegas Without a slot machine I'm a gypsy Without a tambourine I'm Napoleon Without a Josephine When I'm without you Gets better all the time, huh?

I'm a doctor Without a single pill I'm a lawyer Who never drew a will I'm a dentist Without a tooth to fill When I'm...

Tender gums.

That's a hell of a thing to say to a married woman.

Oh, what are you talking about?

It's that new dentist.

I can't keep her away from the place.

She's there right now, in the chair.

He's tilting her all the way back.

He's giving her laughing gas.

She's laughing. He's laughing, too!

They're both laughing... at me!

Relax, will you, Orville?

You'll drive yourself crazy.

Dr. Sheldrake.

Sheldrake.

Dr. Sheldrake. Dr. Sheldrake.

Sheldrake.

Did you hear the one about the nearsighted turtle... who fell in love with a helmet?

Then there's the one about the nearsighted snake... who proposed to a piece of rope!

Hello?

This is Dr. Sheldrake.

I told you. Listen to them.

I know what you're laughing at... you and my wife, and I'm going to report you to the Dental Association!

Who is this?

This is the husband... and you're not kidding me for a second.

I know what you're doing to her.

I'm putting an inlay in her lower left bicuspid.

I thought so. Let me talk to her.

Mrs. Mulligan, your husband on the phone.

Mrs. Mulligan?

I don't want to talk to Mrs. Mulligan.

I want to talk to Mrs. Spooner!

Mrs. Spooner? She isn't here.

Her appointment isn't till next Wednesday.

Next Wednesday?

Oh! I'll give her the message when she comes home.

You were right. I was worrying about nothing.

She isn't even there.

You nut!

I'm a bullfight Without a matador I'm a heckler Who never gets the floor Casanova The night he didn't score Each time...

Why isn't she there? Where is she?

Why was she lying to me?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Orville.

It's Johnnie Mulligan, of course.

His mother's at the dentist... he's at home alone, and she's with him!

Johnnie Mulligan? Come off it. He ain't even shaving yet.

The milkman! He's shaving. It must be some kind of code.

A dozen eggs... that's twelve.

They're meeting behind the dairy at 12:00.

Now you're running amok.

You can't go around suspecting everybody.

Sometimes I'm not even so sure about you.

Me?

I'm scared, Barney. I'll tell you, I'm scared.

I'm married to the prettiest girl in town... and she's gonna leave me one of these days.

I just know it.

She will? Yes, she will.

And you know why? Because you're a nobody.

Giving piano lessons for a buck and a quarter.

Maybe once a week you play a wedding or a funeral.

Big deal.

Why, a beautiful girl like that, she should be spoiled.

A touch of mink, fun in Acapulco... breakfast at Tiffany's!

Fat chance.

Orville, all it takes is one hit, just one hit.

"How Much is That Doggie in the Window?"... three million records.

"White Christmas"... eight million records.

You think Irving Berlin's afraid of losing his wife?

No, I guess not.

That's why you got to keep putting those nickels in the slot.

Because you never know when you're gonna hit the jackpot.

Yeah. I guess so.

Well, then, let's go.

I'm a poached egg Without a piece of toast Yorkshire pudding Without a beef to roast I'm a haunted house That hasn't got a ghost When I'm without you

I'm a mousetrap Hey! Hey!

I'm Vienna Without the Viennese I'm da Vinci Without the Mona Lis When I'm without you You know, I'm beginning to like that Mona Lis.

What did I tell you?

Aw, hold it, mister! I'm coming.

Stay with it, will you?

What'll it be?

A shave and a haircut. The works, baby.

Hey.

What's the matter?

You know who you are?

Sure. I'm the greatest. I'm the prettiest.

Y-y...

What do you do for cigarettes around here, huh?

Cigarettes? Yeah.

Hmm.

Or...

Orville!

Hey, Orville!

Come here quick!

You know, I've been here for five years... but this is the first time that anybody... oh, sure, back in '61...

Liberace pulled in here with a flat tire... but we never had anybody that's somebody like you.

Where's the men's room?

Oh.

Wait a minute.

I want you to meet a friend of mine.

Orville, look who we got here!

Who?

It's Dino!

Oh! How do you do?

This is Orville Spooner.

He plays the piano and the organ at the church.

Oh, he's a terrific musician.

Well... the face is familiar.

Oh?

Not yours, his.

Oh.

OK if I go to the john now?

Orville, this is it. This is our jackpot.

Remember "That's Amore"?.. top single for 37 weeks.

Or "Memories are Made of This"?.. over two million copies!

And he's got his own recording company.

I'll run over and get some of our songs!

No, no, no. That's not the way to do it.

You got to be more subtle.

Subtle?

Just start singing him one of our tunes, casual-like.

Or hum a little. Catch his ear.

I see.

What are you waiting for? Go!

I'm a poached egg Without a piece of toast Yorkshire pudding Without a beef to roast I'm a haunted house That hasn't got a ghost When I'm without you

I'm a western Without a hitching post There's paper towels in the ladies' room.

I'm a mousetrap Without a piece of cheese I'm da Vinci Without the Mona Lis Mona Lis?

I'm Las Vegas Without a slot machine I'm Napoleon Without a Josephine What's with him?

Catchy tune, isn't it? We wrote it together.

No. Yeah.

We're gonna call it "I'm a Poached Egg."

I'm a poached... cuckoo. How much do I owe you?

$5.15. Too bad you're in such a hurry... because if we had just a little more time...

Here you are.

100? Oh, I can't change this. I'll have to run to the bank.

Why don't you have a cup of coffee with Orville?

Get acquainted.

We've got a lot of songs... and they really sound better on the piano.

Uh, just a minute.

Here, here. Here's $10.

Keep the change.

Oh, wait!

I forgot to check the oil.

You know, uh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco?"

Big hit, right?

They stole it from us.

Is that so?

We wrote it first, only it was called...

"I Left My Heart in San Diego."

Exactly the same idea.

We just missed by a few miles.

All set.

We also have an Italian-type song... like "Volare," only better.

It would be just perfect for you.

Shove it in an envelope... and send it to my office in Hollywood.

Oh, no. All you guys want to do... is steal those return stamps!

Aww, the hell with him. He sings flat anyway.

Flat, sharp, or round... he sells, doesn't he?

Yeah. I guess we muffed it.

Who knows when we'll get a chance like this again?

Oh, I'd say in about three minutes.

Three minutes?

I disconnected his fuel line.

He's got enough gas in the carburetor... to go a couple blocks.

Cuckoo!

Yeah. Right now he's stalled... on the corner of Citrus and Yucca.

He's going into Pringle's hardware store.

He's asking if he could use the phone.

We should be hearing from him in about ten seconds.

Five, four, three, two, one.

You answer it. I'll get the tow truck.

Barney's Service Station.

Oh, hello there. Of course I remember you.

What seems to be the trouble?


What is this, a gag or something?

A gag?

You're sure you didn't mess around with that motor?

That's a terrible thing to say.

Well, what's wrong with it?

Look. If this is your attitude, I'm not even gonna tell you.

He's a factory-trained mechanic.

That's like being a doctor. You got to take an oath.

All right, doc, what's the word?

You know anything about cars?

Me? I need a copilot to turn on the windshield wiper.

The left intake valve is cracked... on account of that double camshaft... because of the internal combustion.

That bad?

It happens once in a while. You know these Italian cars.

Well, don't stand there talking to each other.

Fix it!

"Fix it," he says.

I have to send to L.A. For a new part... and if they don't have it, it has to come... from the distributor in New York... and if he doesn't have it... it has to come from the factory in Milan.

Milan?

That's ridiculous. He's a busy man.

You bet I am.

I got to get back and do a television special.

Oh, really? What channel?

What the hell difference does it make?

I want to watch it.

Well, we'll watch it together... because I'll probably still be here.

Quiet, will you? Let me think.

What I could do is take a valve... from that old Chevy and grind it down to fit.

That should get you to Hollywood.

He knows his business.

And how long will that take?

Well, if I work all night...

I can have it for you first thing in the morning.

You mean I got to spend the night in this dump?

They just opened a brand-new motel here.

He wouldn't like it. It stinks.

How can you say that?

It's got all the modern conveniences.

Didn't you hear what happened?

A skunk got into the air conditioning.

I don't care where I sleep.

Just find me an empty pool table.

I'm sure Mr. Spooner would be glad... to put you up for the night.

Wouldn't you, Orville?

Me? Oh, of course I would.

He's got a spare room... and it's right across the street.

His wife... oh, his wife's a great cook.

I get the scene.

This way.

No, not you. You stay here... and start grinding that little grabber.

Come on. Let's go.

Tell me, since we're both in the same racket...

Tin Pan Alley... don't you think that rock'n'roll is on the way out?

They're just not writing them the way they used to...

I mean those evergreens like "Star Dust" and "Melancholy Baby."

Look, let's cut out all the small talk.

I'm bushed.

It's real quiet here.

You can take a nice long nap... then we'll have some dinner, and afterwards... we can sit around the piano and sing some songs.

Is that the only action in this town?

Oh, no. There's a bowling alley.

Or you can stand outside Pringle's hardware store... and watch color television in the window.

Hey, you're not reading me right, pal.

What's with the broads around here?

Broads? Oh, you mean action action.

Yeah. It's a habit with me, like breathing.

I should have known from the gossip columns.

Well, it's not that I like to.

You see, I have to because if I skip one night...

I wake up the next morning with such a headache.

Oh.

No, no. This is our bedroom.

You're in there.

This is it... a sort of a combination sewing room and guest room.

You ought to have this tuned.

Tuned?

About your problem... you know... that headache you were talking about... maybe you ought to try the Belly Button.

The what?

There's this roadhouse just outside town... called the Belly Button.

They've got these cocktail waitresses.

They're very friendly.

At least, that's what I hear. I've never been there myself.

After all, I'm a married man.

This your wife?

Yes, sir. Her name is lambchop.

It's really Zelda. I call her lambchop.

How about that?

She sews and she knits and she puts up preserves.

And she grows her own parsley.

Must be a great girl all around.

Oh, she is.

You lucky dog!

Well, I guess you're all set here.

You know where everything is.

It takes a few minutes for the hot water to get hot.

And if there's anything else you want... bye now.


Oh, hello, darling.

Hello.

Sorry I'm late.

Dr. Sheldrake sends you his regards.

That's nice.

How'd it go there?

Where? At the dentist.

Oh, fine. Fine.

Did he hurt you?

No. But he thinks he'll have to pull my wisdom tooth.

You're lying, Zelda.

Well, maybe he can save it.

You weren't at the dentist at all.

Your appointment isn't till next Tuesday.

It's next Wednesday.

So where were you today?

If you must know, I was at my mother's.

On a Saturday?

Isn't that when she works at the blood bank?

Orville, I'm not going to answer any more questions.

You haven't answered any so far.

I'm sick and tired of you spying on me... and cross-examining me... and checking the mileage on my car.

Don't change the subject.

I have myself vaccinated... and right away you want to know who bit me.

All right, who bit you?

I mean, where were you? And what's in that box?

You really want me to tell you?

Yes.

It's a present for my lover.

Oh! Oh, it is, huh?

It's today?

September 30th.

I thought it was the 31st.

It was going to be a surprise, and now you've spoiled it.

I'm sorry, darling. I guess I'm a monster.

Yes, you are.

I don't know why you put up with me.

I don't, either.

Talk about mental cruelty.

Jealousy.

Suspicion, nagging, and cross-examining.

Do you want to know why I'm late?

You don't have to explain.

Because of those idiots at the bakery.

I ordered pistachio cake, and they made it chocolate.

I know how you hate chocolate.

Pistachio, chocolate... who cares?

I love you.

Actually, I didn't mind waiting because otherwise I never would have seen him.

Who?

I looked out the window... and there he was, driving by in his car.

Who?

He wore sunglasses, and he needed a shave... but I recognized him anyway.

Who?

Dino?

I nearly fainted.

I've been crazy about him since I was 16.

You never told me.

I used to be president of his fan club... and secretary-treasurer.

There were just two of us... me and Rosalie Schultz, but she chickened out... and went over to Mitch Miller.

I don't blame her.

Imagine, Dino in person... driving down Citrus Avenue.

You must be imagining it. It's ridiculous.

What would a guy like that be doing in Climax?

Anyway, I read somewhere that he's in Hollywood.

Television or something. What are you doing?

I just want to play "Volare."

Oh, no, you don't.

Why not?

You never know who's going to barge in.

Who?

I don't know. Rosalie Schultz, Mitch Miller, anybody.

And besides, I don't want a strange man singing to you.

There you go again.

I mean, after all, it is our anniversary.

I've got another surprise for you.

Another?

You'll love it.

I'd better go in the sewing room and finish it.

You do that.

Sewing room!

Zelda. Wait!

What are you going in there for?

I have some sewing to do.

What sewing?

It's a secret.

You know I don't like secrets.

All right, if you insist.

I'm making myself a black chiffon negligee.

I just have to put the lace on the collar.

I want it to be ready for tonight.

You don't need lace on the collar.

You don't even need a negligee.

And we don't have to wait for tonight.

I have no more lessons today... and we're all alone in the house... so why don't we...

In the middle of the afternoon?

That's what makes it... the irregularity... that unexpected little twist.

Orville, have you been reading "Playboy" again?

You just relax.

I'll be with you in a minute, lambchop.


I was just coming to see you.

Look what I got... all the Italian food they had at the market.

Macaroni, parmigiana, frozen pizza, chianti.

Forget it.

That's what he likes.

You'll gonna give him an Italian dinner... play him our Italian song.

Oh, no. He's gonna get into his Italian car and beat it!

What do you mean?

I don't want him in the house. We got to get rid of him.

After all the trouble we went to?

You heard me. Why?

Because he's a sex maniac.

So what? That's his problem.

But it's my wife! He's already after her.

And what's worse, she's crazy about him, too.

Oh. What's wrong with that? He likes her. She likes him.

So while you're plugging the songs... she's sort of putting him in the mood.

Why, you miserable... are you suggesting that I use my wife?

Watch that chianti.

I don't care if I never sell a song.

I'd rather starve first because I love my wife.

I adore her. I worship her.

Don't you trust her?

No. Excuse me.


Hurry up, playboy.

It is no use arguing, Barney.

Just reconnect his fuel line and... pssst.

Well, not so fast.

Why do we have to get rid of him?

Why don't we get rid of her?

Zelda?

Sure. Just send her away for the night... if you're so worried.

Send her away. That's already better... but it won't work.

Why not?

Didn't you hear what I said?

This guy is only interested in action.

He's not going to spend the night here... just with me, eating macaroni and listening to our songs.

He's going to be at the Belly Button... looking for broads.

Hold it. Hold it, hold it.

Why does he have to go to the Belly Button?

Why don't we bring the Belly Button to him?

Now you're going too fast.

Once Zelda's out of the way... we pick up one of those cocktail waitresses... and get her over here.

Mmm. That'll keep him in the house.

How am I going to explain it to him?

That I was afraid he was going to make a pass at my wife... so we got him a chippy instead?

You don't have to explain anything.

Just introduce her as your wife.

What?

Does he know what Zelda looks like?

No, but... Then that's it.

He's going to get all the action he wants.

Barney, you're sick!

Uh-huh. He can tickle her and pinch her... grab her, wrestle with her.

Excuse me.


Nice little lambchop.

Coming, Orville.

All right, all right.

So it's a great idea.

But just tell me one thing if you're so clever... how do I get rid of my wife?

That's the easiest part. Hit her.

Hit her?

Or start an argument or get her sore at you.

Shove a grapefruit in her face. There's lots of ways.

You want me to louse up my marriage?

It's just for one night.

So she cries a little. She goes home to her mother.

And tomorrow morning you can explain... the whole thing to her.

You buy her a nice present.

By that time, you can afford it... because we'll have sold all those songs.

You mean for no reason at all... a grapefruit?

Right in the kisser.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

You've got to because you love her.

It's for her own good.

Orville!

Good luck. And you better get her out of here fast... because I'm on my way to the Belly Button... to pick up that dame.

Orville!

Oh, Barney brought this... a little anniversary present.

Why did you get dressed again?

Again?

After you took a shower.

I did? Oh, of course.

And I got dressed again because I was feeling chilly.

You certainly didn't act chilly.

When?

When I was in the shower.

I thought you were going to climb right in with me.

You did? I mean, did I?

We could save a lot of money on our water bill. Hmm?

Hmm.

Look what I dug up.

What?

Our wedding pictures.

Oh? Just let me get rid of this stuff.

All right.

Hey, you.

Beethoven.

When am I going to meet that wife of yours?

She's taking a nap because she just took a shower... but I guess you know that.

Did you say she grows her own parsley?

Yes. You'll have some for dinner.

That's when you'll meet her... at dinner.

I think I'll catch a little shut-eye myself... so I can be nice and fresh.

Fresh?

I have a hunch this may turn out to be a big night.


Come here, darling. You'll get a kick out of these.

Out of what?

Our wedding pictures. Remember that day?

Do I? It was the worst day of my life.

I thought it was beautiful.

Oh, you did?

It was just that you tried to do... too many things at the same time.

Whoever heard of a bridegroom... playing the organ at his own wedding?

Look at mother... crying her eyes out.

I'm glad you brought that up.

You want to know how I feel about your mother?

No.

All right, I'll tell you. She makes me throw up.

The way she treats your father.

And you know what she looks like?

Godzilla!

Now, now, Orville.

Now, now, what?

Mother may be a little difficult, but...

Difficult? She's impossible.

A mean, vicious, loud-mouthed, interfering old bag!

Now, what do you think of that?

Well, basically I have to agree with you.

You do?

Why do you think I got married? To get away from her.

Oh, so that's the reason why you married me.

Not the only reason. I also love you.

Oh.

Here are some pictures from our honeymoon.

Honeymoon?

Boy, was that ever a flop.

I wouldn't say that.

Oh, you wouldn't?

I'll admit the first night was a little disappointing... when they didn't have a room for us... and we had to sleep out in your old rambler.

It was a Volkswagen.

Darling, here's a picture.

It was a rambler, a blue rambler.

It was pink.

Don't tell me.

Of course it was blue... exactly the same color as my eyes.

Your eyes are pink.

What are you talking about? I have blue eyes.

I say they're pink.

You want to make something of it?

Orville, what is this... some kind of a new game?

I wonder who that could be.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Spooner.

May we come in?

Of course, Reverend.

Hello, Mrs. Spooner.

Mrs. Mulligan.

Hi, Zelda. Hi, Rosalie.

We hate to intrude on you like this... but we're collecting signatures... for a petition urging the city council... to close down that dreadful place... if the ladies will forgive my language... the Belly Button.

Of course. We'll be glad to sign, won't we, Orville?

We will?

Well, it's a disgrace, a cesspool... a blot on our community.

I understand they let minors use the cigarette machine.

Rosalie and I went in there to investigate... and two strange men approached us... and offered to buy us Bloody Marys.

I got the distinct impression that there's love for sale on the premises.

"Love For Sale," Cole Porter... a million and a half copies.

Well, what are we waiting for? Who's got a fountain pen?

Oh, I see you're celebrating your anniversary.

Our fifth.

What a lovely cake.

Pistachio?

Would you like a piece?

I wouldn't want you to spoil it.

Oh, well, maybe just a little piece.

In that case, I'll have a little piece, too.

Reverend?

No, thank you.

Cholesterol, you know.

Thank you.

However, if you happen to have half a grapefruit.

Well, actually, I was saving it for my wife.


What do you say, Barney?

Is Polly working today?

Sure. Where?

She's gone back to being a blond again.

Hey, Polly, we were just wondering... how do you get that thing to stay in there?

I glue it in.

Ha ha ha!

What would happen if I unglued it?

You'd get beer in your eye.

From there?

From here.

Look, Bertha, you still want those new seat covers... in your station wagon?

Why?

I'll give them to you for half price... if you'll do me a little favor.

Like what?

It's OK with me if it's OK with Polly.

Muah!

Listen, Polly, I got a proposition for you.

Step back. Here comes a big one.

Gesundheit.

Like I said, I got a proposition.

I need you.

Right now?

It's an emergency.

Yeah, it must be.

Actually, it's not for me. It's for a friend of mine.

He's giving a little party. It's an all-night job.

I just got on duty.

I won't be through till 1:00 in the morning.

It's OK. I talked to Big Bertha.

It's all fixed.

You better get yourself another girl.

I'm coming down with this cold, and I feel lousy.

Well, if you want to pass up 25 bucks.

How much? 25 bucks.

Huh?

Suddenly I feel better.

Atta girl. Let's go.

Don't you want me to change my clothes first?

Come on. I got my motor running.

At least let me put on a coat.

What for?

Do you want me to catch pneumonia?

On an outside job like this...

I'm not covered by any Blue Cross.

Ok, but step on it.

I'll pick you up around the back.

Yeah.

Bang! Bang! Bang!


Here's your dinner, Sam.

I won't be home till late.

Polly!

I'm coming!

Now, don't stay up all night watching TV.

It's not good for your eyes.

Are you kidding?

I'm not going in any truck.

Listen to her... Princess Grace. Get your keister in here!

You know what you are? No gentleman.

Come on! Come on!

OK.

Say, what kind of party is this anyway?

My friend will explain the whole thing to you.

What are you so worried about?

Well, the last time I took a job like this was July 4th.

It was one of those bachelor barbecues... with fireworks and everything, and they raffled me off.

I went for $83.

Except the next day, the check bounced... so all I got out of it was a case of poison ivy.

Thank you, Mrs. Spooner.

Bye, Rosalie.

Happy anniversary, Zelda.

Come, come, ladies. We have a lot of work to do.

We need another 400 signatures.

Reverend.

Are you sure you don't need some help?

After all, 400 signatures.

Why don't you take my wife along?

She's very good at this sort of thing.

Oh, I wouldn't think of it.

Not on your anniversary.

This way, playboy.

In case there are any more petitions.

Yeah.

Now...

Where were we?

You know, this town isn't going to be the same... if they close down the Belly Button.

Why should you care?

Why should I care?

I happen to be their biggest customer.

You?

All those nights when you thought...

I was at choir practice or bowling... or watching color television outside Pringle's...

I was really at the Belly Button.

Doing what?

Using that cigarette machine, drinking Mary Bloodies... and a lot of other things, but I'd rather not talk about it... because you'll just get sore and walk out on me.

What other things?

You may think I'm sort of a square... but ask any of those cocktail waitresses there...

I am a swinger.

Sure you are.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Poor Zelda. I guess the wife is always the last to know.

Know what?

For your information, I have been playing around for years.

Oh?

And not just with those waitresses... with some of your best friends.

Like who?

Well, I'm too much of a gentleman to mention names... but last Thanksgiving... there was a little incident in the organ loft.

Oh, you and Rosalie Schultz.

How did you know?

She told me all about it. We had a big laugh.

You mean, you were discussing... my sex life with another woman... and laughing about it?

What sex life?

So you chased her up the bell tower.

It just so happens that she chased me.

What difference does it make? Nobody caught anybody.

And anyway, I trust you.

You trust me?

That's a lousy thing to say about your husband.

Don't you think I'm attractive to other women?

You're attractive to me.

So come to bed.

Oh, no.

You're not going to weasel out of it.

The truth is, you don't give a damn about me... because if you did, you'd be jealous.

You'd fight for me.

It's the most primitive emotion there is.

You take the Watusis.

I read all about it in the "National Geographic"... in Dr. Sheldrake's office.

If a Watusi wife catches another woman... with a Watusi husband, you know what she does?

She buries her in sand up to her neck... and smears honey all over her head... and lets the red ants loose on her.

But what do you do when Rosalie Schultz... tries to steal your husband?

You give her a piece of pistachio cake!

Well, if that's all you care about me...

I've had it.

I'm not staying here another minute.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going home to mother.

Orville! Wait a minute. What are you doing?

That's right. What am I doing?

It's the other way around.

You're going home to your mother.

Darling, what's the matter with you?

All day you've been trying to pick a fight.

It's for your own good.

There isn't room enough here for the three of us.

The three of us?

I mean the four of us. Out you go.

Orville, you're not making any sense.

This is me, your wife. Zelda, remember?

Five years ago today... we promised to love, honor, and cherish each other... and you were so nervous... you put the ring on the minister's finger.

Oh, cut out that sentimental slush!

Out!

Oh...

Don't cry, lambchop. Please.

Maybe I'm not making any sense now... but I'll make a lot of sense tomorrow... when I explain the whole thing.

Don't bother!

Tomorrow or any other time!

Zelda!

Nice timing, Orville. Now we're cooking.

I wish I were in hell with my back broken.

Just wait till you see what I brought for dessert.

This is Polly.

My friend Orville.

Hi.

Not here.

You want the whole neighborhood to know?

Get her in the house.

That's some welcome.

Stop beefing. This is cash on the line... and no poison ivy.

Come on. Come on.

You got a wastepaper basket someplace?

Well, what do you think of her?

I guess she's all right, but I wouldn't know.

You can take my word for it. She's a pistol, a real pistol.

Say, what is this?

You brought me all the way here on approval?

No, no. You got a deal. Right?

Oh, sure. We've gone this far.

We may as well go through with it.

Don't force yourself, mister.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way.

I think you're most attractive... and you're going to do a very good job.

What does he want now, references?

Simmer down. You, too... because it's gonna work out just great.

I hope so.

Don't bet on it, hon.

I better leave you alone now.

Do you have to?

I'm supposed to be grinding that valve.

And one more thing... you got all night, so take it easy.

You don't have to start on the piano right away.

Build up to it slowly.

Know what I mean?

Maybe while you have dinner... you can sneak it into the conversation.

And then after dinner, you can really go all out.

Well, shall we get organized?

Look, I'm a good sport... I mean, you could ask anybody... but none of that crazy stuff, huh?

You see, I got this bad cold.

Did you ever hear of anybody with a... with a good cold?

Huh.

It's a nice place you got here.

Oh, you'll like it.

It's not very big, but it's clean.

What is?

What is what?

I don't know. You brought it up.

First thing you have to do is get out of those clothes.

Just like that?

You're so right.

First thing, we'd better make sure my wife isn't coming back.

Yeah. I think we better.

You realize if it weren't for venetian blinds... it would be curtains for all of us?

I guess you can't be too careful... a man in your position.

My position?

Oh, I recognized you right away.

I see you at church every Sunday playing the organ.

You go to church?

All of us girls go.

Big Bertha takes us in the station wagon.

Well, you know what they say... the family that prays together...

It's just that Bertha thinks it's good for public relations.

We mustn't wake him up, not yet... because if he catches on, we'll be dead.

Who?

Barney and me.

No, I mean, who's gonna catch on?

Nobody, I hope.

So, shall we...

Oh, OK.

No, no.

Not in here. In the bedroom.

You name it.

Don't mind me if I'm a little nervous... but so much depends on this.

I just hope we can swing it.

We'll do our best.

Thank you.

Now if you'll just put on one of my wife's dresses.

What for?

That's the only way it'll work.

We've got to pretend you're my wife.

What are you, some kind of a weirdie?

Didn't Barney tell you?

He didn't tell me to expect anything like this.

I'm getting out of here.

Now just a second.

You know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

All those people in the congregation... do they know what you're doing the other six days of the week?

You don't understand.

It's not for me. It's for him.

Who's him?

Back there. He's asleep.

What are we playing, musical chairs?

Barney says it's not for him, it's for a friend of his.

Now you say it's not for you, it's for a friend of yours.

Oh, but he's not exactly a friend.

It's more like a business promotion... and he likes action all the time.

I got nothing against that, but not with Zelda.

Oh. Who's Zelda?

You are.

Me?

It's my wife, but tonight you're her... so you're Zelda.

What did I get myself into?

Oh, you just wait till you find out who he is.

You'll flip.

Huh. I will?

Oh, boy.

So who can it be... Richard Burton?

No, but you're getting warm. Here, try this.

It may be a little tight, but that can't hurt any.

What's the matter now?

I lost my navel.

Where?

I think it rolled under there.


Where am I?

In Climax.

Where?

Don't you remember?

You had that cracked valve?

Beethoven?

Oh.

What time is it?

Oh, it's only 4:00, so why don't you go back to sleep?

What are you doing down there, anyway?

I'm looking for my wife's navel.

Oh.


Looks real nice, Polly.

Thanks, and the name is Zelda.

Oh, yes, of course.

Hey, candles.

I found them in the drawer.

For intimate dining, candlelight is a romantic must.

Oh?

I used to read up on all that stuff... in Ladies' Home Journal... what every bride should know, how to keep your husband happy.

Say, maybe we should have some place cards.

I don't think so.

There's just the three of us.

Tell me, how did you and I meet?

What do you mean? Barney brought you.

Oh, no. You and Zelda.

I'm Zelda, remember?

How did we meet, in case it comes up?

Oh. Well, you were singing in the choir... and I noticed you right away because you were always off-key.

Hmm. So you kept me after hours.

I wanted to, but your mother used to watch us like a hawk.

She never liked me much.

So?

So in order to ingratiate myself... you see, she works at the blood bank...

I'd go in three times a week and give a pint of blood.

Three pints a week?

Well, the other days, I'd sneak over... to the hospital in Silver City and get a transfusion.

Boy, you must have been nuts about me.

I certainly was.

And, uh, how did you propose to me?

Well, I wrote this love song... and one afternoon while I was tuning your piano...

I played it to you, and that did it.

Imagine... somebody writing a whole song for you.

You know, when I was in high school... there was this boy.

He used to write me poems.

What kind of poems?

In chalk, on sidewalks and fences.

Why, I had to go all over town erasing them.

Polly... I mean, Zelda... keep an eye on the meat sauce, will you?

Sure.

I hate to put you to work like this...

I mean, like a housewife.

Oh, I enjoy it.

As a matter of fact...

I was almost a wife once myself.

Almost?

That's how I happened to wind up in nevada.

Where are you from?

Jersey City, New Jersey.

I was working at the Plaza Hotel as a manicurist... and I had this 1,200 bucks my father left me.

So I was going to open a little beauty shop... my own.

Then I met this guy.

This needs more salt.

What guy?

He was a salesman, a hula hoop salesman.

Remember those things?

He wanted to marry me.

That figures.

So I bought this secondhand car and trailer.

We drove to Nevada, spent the night here.

The next day, we were supposed to go to Vegas and get hitched.

Could use some pepper, too.

What happened?

When I woke up in the morning... the guy was gone, and the car was gone.

That was it.

You know anybody who can use six dozen plastic hula hoops?

They come in assorted colors.

You mean he just took off?

Eh, I should have known he was a fink.

He had small moons.

He had what?

You know, small moons on the fingernails.

Now, you, for instance, you got big moons.

Is that good?

It means you're a gentleman.

When you're a manicurist, you can tell a lot about people... just from their hands.

I never had a manicure in my life.

Nobody in this town has.

That's why I had to take a job at the Belly Button... trying to scrape up enough money to get another car.

But something always seems to happen.

I guess I'm stuck here for good.

A girl like you... I'm sure you'll find some nice guy.

Not a chance, unless I get out of this place.

Around here, I'm just somebody the bartender recommends.

"Try Polly the Pistol."

'S marvelous You should care

'S paradise

'S awful nice, woo, pow Paradise Let's get ready.

He'll be out in a minute.

I know that voice from someplace.

Of course you do. He's a singer.

Who?

Now don't flip.

Well, who is it?

It's Dino.

Dino?

That's right.

Hmm.

I like Andy Williams better.

Shh! For heaven's sake, watch it.

You're supposed to be nice to him.

Don't worry. I know my job.

Now let me look at you.

Maybe we'd better open a couple of buttons.

Your wife wouldn't do that.

I guess not.

Oh, the ring. You should have a ring.

Here, put this on.

You suppose there's a law against this?

Against what?

Wearing a ring without a license.

Don't be silly.

Come on, let's go into the living room.

Domestic, domestic.

We've got to make it look domestic.

You sit here, and I'll sit here.

No, that's not domestic enough.

You knit, and I'll read.

Uh... uh, I don't know how to knit.

Well, then you read, and I'll knit.

No, that's no good.

Now, let me see...

'S wonderful

'S marvelous You should care for me Mmm, 's awful nice Paradise Hard to see

Pardon me.

Is this the way to Disneyland?

Oh, we didn't hear you.

This is my wife Zelda.

Howdy, ma'am.

My husband told me you were staying with us.

What a delightful surprise.

Zelda has all your records.

She's a big fan of yours.

I'm a big fan of hers.

I picked these on the way here.

Oh, they're lovely.

Cocktail time. What would you like?

Martini? Old fashioned? Vodka on the rocks?

No, thanks.

Nothing to drink?

Just a bowl of bourbon and some crackers.

Bourbon. Good idea.

How about you, Zelda?

Uh, do we have any buttermilk in the house?

Buttermilk! Coming right up.

Well, just don't... stand there, you two. Talk.

Mingle.

Uh, tell me something.

Anything.

How'd you happen to get stranded here?

Oh, just lucky, I guess.

Oops.

You know, that dress dummy don't do you justice... even with all the padding.

I suppose I've put on a few pounds.

Well, don't you worry about it.

As far as I'm concerned... there couldn't be enough of you... baby.

Huh.

How much do you think she weighs?

Guess.

May I?

Help yourself.

115.

Guess again.

Glad to.

120?

You're getting warm.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that's close enough.

How much you think I weigh?

Go ahead, lambchop.

Take a crack at it.

Yeah.

1731/2.

That's not fair.

Right on the nose.

Skol.

What?

Skol!

Sure, it's cold. It's got ice in it.

Funny! Funny!

Well, drink up and be somebody.

Why don't we sit down?

Why don't we?

Ah, lambchop, Dino, and I'll sit back here.

Where'd you get this crazy couch?

Oh, it's been in the family for years.

It's a love seat.

Love seat? For three?

Victorian, you know.

Two lovers and a chaperone, but that didn't stop anyone.

It was usually an old lady, half-deaf, half-blind... sitting there and... knitting.

Knitting?

It's good therapy.

I took it up when I quit smoking.

It keeps my hands busy.

You know what they say... the devil finds work for idle hands.


What are you knitting?

A sock.

With a turtleneck?

He's got small moons.

Oh?

I got what?

Oh, it's this theory my wife has.

If you've got small moons on your nails... you're a gentleman and a scholar.

Interesting.

Now, you take me. I've got big moons.

That means I'm a fink.

Well, you're only half right about me.

I'm no scholar.

Knit one, purl two.

Hmm. Something around here smells good.

It's the meat sauce.

It's making my mouth water.

We also got you some pizza.

How about a little antipasto?

You'll spoil your appetite.

You want to bet?

Damn!

What's the matter?

I've dropped a stitch.

Oh.

You know, you can lose a hand that way.

Did you hear the story about the girl and the lobster?

No. How does it go?

Well, this girl was sitting in a movie house... and this guy sat down next to her... and they were sitting in the dark... and they were watching the picture, see... and suddenly she felt something... crawling up her leg and pinched her.

Ah!

Go on.

Then she felt something crawling again... and pinched her again.

She said, "What is the idea of you pinching me?"

And he said, "Well, it wasn't me.

It was my lobster."

His lobster?

He explained it. He said...

"A friend of mine gave me a live lobster"... and I said, "Gee, that's wonderful.

"I think I'll take it home for dinner."

He said, "No, it already had dinner.

"Why don't you take it to a movie?"

Take it to a movie!

...to a movie.

I told you. He's a funny man.

Yeah. Funny.

You got any more stories like that?

Yeah. I got...

Oh, yeah. There was the one about this doctor, you see.

He was examining a girl's knee, and he said...

"What's a joint like this doing on a pretty girl like you?"

Oh! Oh, I got to remember that one.

Excuse me. I've got something on the stove.

I think this belongs to you.

Me. You. What's the difference?

Maybe I'd better help you.

No, no, no, no.

You stay right where you are, lambchop.

Make him feel at home.

Show him a little western hospitality.

We don't want him to have a headache tomorrow.

What is this, Candid Camera?

You must think my husband is sort of, uh, peculiar.

Oh, no. As a matter of fact...

I'm getting very fond of him.

So am I.

And I'm crazy about his wife.

Do you know what I'd like right now?

Sure. Another bowl of bourbon and crackers.

Tell me something.

Anything.

How come he calls you lambchop?

Maybe it's because I wear paper panties.

Paper panties?

I also wear a gold ring.

Talk about finks.

This guy's got no moons at all.

Never mind the moons.

You should be out there entertaining him.

What right has he got to treat your wife like that?

It's a good thing you're not my wife... or I'd throw him out of the house.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Paper panties. Ooh.

Hot stuff. Don't touch.

I can't help myself.

How would you like a macaroni shampoo?

Anything you say, baby.

Sprinkle me with parmesan. Stab me with a breadstick.

You're quite an operator, aren't you?

Well, not really, but all we have is just this one night... so I have to work fast.

It's sort of an emergency operation.

It's that little old winemaker, me!

Sit down. Sit down.

You didn't have to go to all this trouble.

What trouble? I'm very grateful.

You see, this is our fifth wedding anniversary... and I forgot to buy my wife a present... so instead, she's getting you.

You know what they say... white wine with fish, red wine with lambchop.

Believe me, it's the best thing that could've happened to you.

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times... don't marry him.

Orville J. Spooner.

You know what the "j" stands for? Jerk.

That's what he is, a jerk.

Never made more than sixty dollars a week in his life.

No ambition, no future.

When I think that you could've married...

Wally Coates... Dr. Wallace Coates... the second-most-successful chiropractor in Carson City.

Henry, stop rocking.

Or take Tom Pringle. He was dying to marry you.

Only the president of the Junior Chamber of Commerce... but you let Gladys Bukitsch grab him off.

Gladys Bukitsch.

Four foot six, bad complexion, pigeon-toed.

I could cry.

You know what he did for her folks?

Bought them a house in Del Webb's Sun City.

So now they're retired... playing shuffleboard with the other senior citizens.

Oh, Zelda, Zelda... what a mess you made of your life.

That's enough, Mamie. Now leave her alone.

Did you say something?

Not recently.

First thing tomorrow, you go and see a lawyer...

Charlie Green, whom you also could've married.

You'll have no problem getting a divorce.

Just wait till I get up there... and tell the judge how he treated me... slamming the piano cover on my hand... just because I said he was a no-talent slob.

Where are you going?

Home.

Back to Orville?

Yes, mother.

He's so right about you.

You're a mean, loud-mouthed... interfering old... you want to know what he calls you?

What?

I better not tell you.

Godzilla?

I'd like to propose a toast to my beloved wife... who has stood by me so valiantly... for the last five hours... five years... and to our distinguished guest... star of stage, screen, and television... a man who needs no introduction... where is he?

He dropped his napkin again.

It seems I have a very slippery lap.

Slippery lap.

Cheers!

Oh! In the words of Rossani Brazzi... grazie, grazie.

Uh, shall we move into the living room?

You go ahead.

I'll clear the table.

No, no, Zelda. Not yet.

Let's not break up the party.

Oh, I'm with you.

Oh, you don't mind if I, uh, bring along a friend?

As long as you don't bring your lobster.

Funny! Funny!

All right. Everybody line up for a square dance.

Square dance?

We got wine, we got women, and we got songs.

What would you like to hear?

Well, do you know Old Man River?

Darling, why don't you play one of your own songs.

One of mine?

Oh, I wouldn't want to impose on our guest.

Well, how about "Cuddle Up a Little Closer"?

I'm sorry, but we have a request from a lady... in the balcony.

Let's see now.

There's this little Italian number we wrote... which may be of some interest to you.

Every day I sit and pray I Win you over soon Say yes, won't you?

Do you, don't you Want this world in tune?

What does it take to persuade you?

And how much more must I serenade you?

Listen to me, Sophia Have you any idea How much you mean to me-a?

How much, you'll never know If I'm all agitato Every heartstring vibrato Every look passionato Who but you made me so?

It's love, it's love, crescendo Never, ever diminuendo Say the word, Sweet Sophia Or from earth I resign Oh, Sophia, be mine Well? What do you think of it, huh?

Oh, it's a grabber, a real grabber.

It is?

Takes one to know one.

What a great piece of material.

Boy, what I could do with it.

You mean you like the song?

What song? Oh, yeah.

It's another "Arrivederci, Roma."

I'll take it.

You'll take it?

He'll take it!

Did you hear that, darling? He'll take it!

Oh! Stay right where you are, lambchop.

Play it again.

Yes, indeedy!

Listen to me, Sophia Have you any idea How much you mean to me-a?

Every day more and more You're sweeter than spumoni Sweeter even than zabaglione Say the word, sweet Sophia Let our hearts intertwine Oh, Sophia, be mine

Ole!

Sweet Sophia, be mine Let that honeymoon shine Pluck the grape from the vine Let our hearts Let our hearts intertwine And put your love on the line Sweet Sophia, be mine Let the honeymoon shine Paper panties.

Or from earth I resign Oh, Sophia, be mine

What's going on in there?

Zelda, you're not supposed to be here.

Why not? This is my house... and that's my husband, the swinger!

Now, now, Zelda, take it easy. I know this looks pretty bad.

That miserable liar, he was telling me the truth.

No, he wasn't. I mean, the truth is...

Look, Zelda. There are certain things... a man cannot ask his wife to do.

Like what? You mean, now she's gonna drink out of his shoe?

Oh, she'll do anything.

You see, she's getting twenty-five bucks.

Twenty-five bucks?

It's an all-night job.

Well, if that doesn't kill him, I will!

Now, don't blame Orville.

Actually, the whole thing was my idea...

I mean, throwing you out of the house.

It was?

And that girl... Orville didn't even know her.

I brought her around and introduced her to him.

You did?

And don't worry about the money it's costing... because Orville and I, we're going halfsies on this.

You are?

OK, Zelda, hit me if you want to... but please don't go in there.

You'll spoil everything.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Atta girl. Now you go back to your mother's... until tomorrow morning.

I'm going, all right, but not to my mother.

Oh, whew.

Ole!

Oh, sweet Sophia, be mine Or from earth I resign Let's...

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I just got carried away.

Here.

Don't mind me. Go right ahead.

Western hospitality.

Listen to me, Sophia Do you realize this is the first song we ever sold?

It's a good thing that valve cracked... or I'd have never heard it.

Yeah, and I never would have met him... I mean you.

Now, look, here's... Orville, kiddo...

I'll need one copy for my television producer... and my orchestra leader and my arranger... and for the guys from the agency.

Let's see.

I'll need maybe, like, uh, twelve copies.

How many?

I hate to do this to you... but since I'm leaving in the morning... you'll have to stay up all night making copies.

Did you say twelve?

And don't you worry about me or your wife... we won't bother you.

Maybe we'll go in the garden, and she'll show me her parsley.

Here we are. Sophia.

Twelve copies. Isn't that lucky?

Yeah.

How lucky can you get?

Oh!

All right, lambchop. Refill the shoes... and let's have a little more music.

What would you like to hear now?

"Taps."

Would you be interested in a nice little waltz?

"When it's Pussy Willow Time in Picardy."

I don't think I could do it justice.

Here's something more lively... what you'd call a novelty.

"I'm Taking Mom to the Junior Prom...

"'Cause She's a Better Twister Than my Sister."

Gets you right here.

Oh, this is it. It's a ballad.

I wrote it for Zelda when we were dating.

It means a lot to us.

Hello?

Orville, are you out of your mind?

What are you trying to do, ruin us?

What do you mean? I'm doing great.

I just sold him the Italian number.

You didn't sell anything.

The broad sold it.

So get out of the house, already.

Leave the two of them alone.

Oh?

Oh.

Make some excuse and beat it, or we'll blow the whole deal.

Roger.

Oh, that was Roger from the bowling alley.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.

Bad news?

I forgot this is Saturday... bowling night.

Why didn't you remind me, Zelda?

I'm sorry.

You see, I'm on the Climax team.

We've got this big grudge match against Silver City.

So I'm afraid I'll have to leave you alone.

What are you afraid of?

Nothing, really.

I'm sure you'll look after my wife... and she'll look after you.

Excuse me.

Something tells me we're gonna have a ball.

Won't we, lambchop?

Oh! The way these matches drag on...

I may be gone for hours, so don't even wait up for me.

We'll be rooting for you.

No, darling. E flat.

Would you play it for me before you go?

I haven't heard it for a long time.

Sure.

You don't want to miss the first inning... or the first chukker or whatever you call it.

Just one chorus.

All the livelong day And the long, long night What do I do-oo-oo?

Dream about you-oo-oo Felt this way the first time you came in sight Suddenly my gloomy old sky turned magically bright You'll find we're perfect casting You and I With love that's everlasting Will I leave you ever?

Never, never, never All I live for now is to hold you tight All the livelong day And the long, long night

Waiteress!

Hey, waiteress!

Another Bloody Mary... and drinks for everybody in the orchestra.

Fellas!

Hey, fellas.

Play "Melancholy Baby."

Fellas... didn't you hear me?

I said, play "Melancholy Baby."

Come on now, everybody.

Shape up!

Eighty-six.

Look, honey, don't you think you had enough?

No.

It's my anniversary.

I've been married five years today.

Now, why don't you go home and celebrate with your husband?

Oh, no. He's busy.

You know, I could have married... the second-most-successful chiropractor in Carson City.

Instead, I married Orville J... "j" for jerk... Spooner.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Uh-huh. All right, but not in here, honey.

Come on.

That's it. Grab her.

That's a girl.

Sick, sick, sick.

Shall I call a cab?

We can't send her home in this condition.

Don't you know who she is?

I've seen her in church.

She's the organist's wife... and we're in enough trouble already.

This way.

Bang.

Where's this plane going to?

This isn't a plane.

You're in Polly's trailer.

Hello, Polly.

She's gone for the night.

You can sleep it off here.

Hang on, everybody.

Fasten your seat belts.

No chance you're taking chances Taking me on Believe me when this man says Summer, spring, and fall-time You're my one and all-time All I live for now is to hold you tight

All the livelong day And the long, long night I bet it would sound even prettier... with like... like twenty violins.

And a whole chorus of voices.

Well, time to go.

Go where?

Bowling.

Oh. Have a good time.

No, not me. You, remember?

You got a match.

Oh, sure.

No. A bowling match against Silver City.

And don't worry about the songs.

I'll buy this one, too.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's not for sale.

You can have "Sophia" or any of the others.

What "Sophia"?

That Italian number you were so crazy about.

Oh, that.

I don't think we should talk business now.

I can see you two have different things on your minds.

So we'll discuss it some other time.

Like when?

Oh, the next time I come through town... on my way from Vegas... if there's a detour and if my car breaks down.

Fair enough.

I don't think that's fair at all.

Bye.

Hold it.

Orville, you better run along...

'cause it's not fair to yourself or to your team.

My team?

Why, Barney and everybody.

You don't want to let them down, do you?

I guess I shouldn't.

Oh, uh, you better put this on. It gets chilly later.

She worries about me.

That's what a wife is for.

Will you be all right, darling?

Well, of course she will.

I'll help her with the dishes and everything.

After all, we don't want her to have ants in the morning.

Are you sure you want to be alone with this guy?

Look, mister, I got a job to do, and you're in the way.

Good-bye, darling.

Come on.

Come on!

What took you so long?

I thought I'd have to come in and drag you out.

I've been doing some thinking.

Now, before he records that song... his lawyers are gonna send us a contract... standard royalties, a set a copy... but we hold out... because if we can get another of our songs... on the other side of the record, that doubles our royalties.

Why let somebody else cash in on our hit?

And if it's a big hit, maybe he'll do the whole album.

"Dino Sings Millsap and Spooner."

All right. So it's Spooner and Millsap.

Who cares so long as it sells a million copies?

Then we get a gold record.

Maybe we win a Grammy award.

Then come the personal appearances...

Ed Sullivan!

Policemen are holding the crowds back.

Ooh! Ooh!

They're throwing jellybeans at us.

He's got a hell of a nerve.

Huh?

Does he really think he can buy my wife for a song?

What wife? What are you talking about?

She's not your wife.

Him and his rat pack, they think they own the earth... riding around in their white chariots raping and looting... and wearing cuffs on their sleeves.

Orville, pull yourself together.

To them, we're just a bunch of squares... straight men, civilians!

Any time they want to move in... we're supposed to run up the white flag... hand over our homes and our wives and our liquor!

Oh, no, you don't!

Orville!


Forget something?

So you're helping my wife with the dishes?

Ha! Who's washing, and who's drying?

One thing I can't stand is a sneaky husband.

Big Hollywood hotshot.

You think you can walk in here and snap your fingers... and I'll serve my wife to you on a silver platter... with an apple in her mouth.

Get out of here.

Orville, please!

He doesn't mean it.

You heard me.

O-u-t.

Out!

Take it easy. E-a-z-y.

Get out of here, or I'll throw you out.

I'm going to count to five.

One, two...

What happened to western hospitality?

Four... five.

Orville!

Stop it, both of you!

Are you all right? Don't mind him.

He gets these fits once in a while.

He just goes crazy and starts attacking people... milkmen and dentists and pupils and...

Oh.

Are you hurt? Is anything broken?

No. I'm OK... but I'm gonna have such a headache tomorrow.

If you want action, buddy, go to the Belly Button... but don't try to muscle in on a happy home.

Is my car ready?

Just about.

Look. This isn't going to make... any difference about the song, is it?

I mean, you still like it?

Where is that place?

What place?

The Belly Button.

The swine.

I fixed him good.

Big idiot.

I'll say he is.

I mean you.

You fixed yourself good.

You had everything going for you... and you went and loused it up.

Why?

I didn't want him to think you were a pushover.

What difference does it make?

One man more or less in my life.

I'm Polly the Pistol, remember?

I come highly recommended by the bartender.

Well, I'm not the bartender, and you're not Polly... not tonight.

Tonight, we're Mr. And Mrs. Orville J. Spooner.

Look at this mess.

What does the "j" stand for?

James?

No.

Joseph?

Uh-uh.

Jasper?

Jeremiah.

I'm sorry I asked.

Don't throw that away.

There may be a deposit on it.

All right, dear.


Cold getting worse?

It's not my cold.

It's been a long day, hasn't it?

Yes, dear.

Coming, Mrs. Spooner?


Hey, pal. Those gorgeous cocktail waitresses...

I heard so much about...

Yes, sir?

Where are they?

This is it.

You must be kidding.

I've seen better navels on oranges.

Take that redhead over there.

She was runner-up to Miss Nevada.

What year? Come on, pal.

Where do you keep the real stuff?

The most popular one around here is Polly the Pistol.

Polly the Pistol?

You can't go wrong with her.

Fastest draw in the west.

Now you're talking. Where is she?

Must be her night off.

Oh, that's too bad... because I'd sure like to shoot it out with her.

Why don't you try the trailer?

That's where she lives, right behind the place.

Which way?

That-a-way.

That way?

Well, if I'm not back by morning... you send a posse out after me.


Bang!

Open up!

I know you're in there.

We got the place surrounded, and I'm coming in to get you.

Who is it?

The Lone Ranger.

What do you want?

I told you. I'm lone.

I'm so lone like you wouldn't believe.

Go away!

That's no way to treat a customer.

Where do you keep your glasses?

Are you going to get out, or do I have to call for help?

From what I hear, you don't need any help, Polly baby.

You're... you're Dino.

No names, please.

I thought I saw you driving through town.

I didn't make it. My car broke down.

They put me up with some piano teacher.

Piano... Orville Spooner?

That's the joker.

What an evening.

What happened?

Ah, these amateurs, what they won't do to sell a song.

He kept throwing his wife at me.

His wife?

Yeah. Get the scene?

I'm beginning to.

Not a bad-looking dame, if you like home cooking... but me, I like to eat out... you know, Chinese one night... a little French cuisine another... and a little delicatessen in between.

Drink up, baby.

What song did he play you?

"Sophia"?

How did you know?

Did you like it?

I need another Italian song... like a giraffe needs a strep throat.

Well, I think Orville has a lot of talent.

You know him?

See him almost every night.

He's one of my regulars.

That mousy little guy with the Beethoven on his chest?

No. He's a real swinger.

What do you think you're doing?

Guess.

No coaching from the audience.

Look. You don't understand. This is my night off.

Well, it's my night on, Polly, baby... and if you're worried about money, I tip large.

Anyway, in my opinion, you're all wrong for it.

I'm all wrong for what?

That song.

I told Orville he should send it... to Bobby Darin or Elvis.

Elvis who?

I suppose you never heard of the Beatles, either.

Oh, sure, and I can sing better than all three of them.

There are four of them.

Oh, haven't you heard?

One of them got his hair caught in his guitar... and was electrocuted.

You can make jokes about them... but they're young and they're popular... while you...

What about me?

Let's face it. You're over the hill.

Sure do know how to hurt a fella.

I'm sorry, but can you imagine... what Jack Jones could do with that song?

What?

Listen to me, Sophia Have you any idea Now look, lady.

You may have heard a lot of singers... but you ain't heard nothing sung till you heard me sung it.

Oh, listen to me, Sophia Have you any idea How much you mean to me-a?

How much, you'll never know Then, of course, there's Robert Goulet.

If I'm all agitato Every heartstring vibrato Every kiss passionato And Eddie Fisher.

Oh, Sophia, be mine Sweet Sophia, be mine


Oh, Sophia, be mine Sweet Sophia, be mine


Dino!

Hey, Dino! Dino!

Dino!


Well, good-bye, Mr. Spooner.

What's the matter?

I'm contemplating.

Contemplating what?

Suicide.

What are you talking about?

Look at me... yesterday, a solid citizen, a blood donor... a signer of petitions, and today, the way of all flesh.

Nonsense. You spent the night with Mrs. Spooner, remember?

Yeah.

That's right.

Here you are.

What's that?

It's your pay.

You know, the deal we made? Twenty-five dollars?

You wouldn't pay your wife, would you?

But you need the money if you're saving up for that car.

What car?

I gave up on that a long time ago.

I'll never get out of this town.

Don't say that.

Oh, you don't have to worry.

If we ever run into each other...

I'll pretend I never even met you.

Thanks.

Nice to have met you.

I wish there were something I could do for you.

You've done a lot.

For instance, you cured me of my cold.

Bye.


You're just in time. I'm making coffee.

Would you like some?

Don't look so surprised.

You took my place last night, so I took yours.

It's that simple.

Oh, then you must be Mrs...

That's right.

Where do you keep the cups?

Look. Whatever your husband did, he did it for you.

Whatever I did, I did it for him.

I've never stayed in a trailer before.

It's really quite cozy.

I liked your house, especially that big kitchen.

I made waffles this morning.

I'll bet there was no syrup.

I opened up a jar of your preserves.

You know, it was sort of fun being a wife for a night.

And for one night... it was fun being Polly the Pistol.

Oh.

This belongs to you.

Me?

Five hundred dollars?

Large spender from out of town.

Why don't I ever meet anybody like that?

I think you did... but you were married at the time.

You really want to give this to me?

I'll swap you for that ring.

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

And if you should find a loose navel... floating around the house, it's mine.

I'm not going back home.

You're not?

I'm moving in with my folks.

Maybe I shouldn't butt in... but I think you're making a mistake.

If I were you... and I was... I wouldn't leave Orville.

A woman without a man is like a trailer without a car.

You ain't going nowhere.

So when you find a good guy, you should stick to him.

I deal with married men all the time, the heels.

Believe me, you got a wonderful husband.

I know that, but he'll be an even better husband... when I get through with him.

What was that about a loose navel?


Hi there, Mr. Spooner. Hi.

Mrs. Spooner around?

Why? I was just wondering.

For the last three days, she hasn't ordered anything... no milk, no butter, no eggs.

Well, we've been eating out.

I... I mean, she's been eating out.

As a matter of fact... she's been living out with her parents... but it's only temporary.

Just a little misunderstanding.

You know how it is with married... none of your damn business!


Oh, it's you.

Didn't I tell you to stay away from here?

Wait a minute, Orville. I've got a message for you.

Big genius.

"We're going to be rich," you said.

"Just get rid of your wife for one night."

Well, I got rid of her, all right. Permanently!

She doesn't want to see me.

She doesn't want to talk to me.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

I've got a message from Zelda.

You fat, miserable, no-good slob!

Get lost!

What message?

So I'm a fat slob, huh?

Well, come on. Come on.

I just talked to Zelda.

She wants to see you.

She does? Uh-huh.

Oh, you beautiful man!

Where? When?

8:00 tonight at her lawyer's.

Her lawyer?

Charlie Green. You know, upstairs... over Pringle's hardware store.

Why?

Why do you think? Divorce.

Divorce?

Oh, Barney, this is crazy. I love her.

I know... but that's the way she wants it.

Why don't you just bring me a five-gallon can of gasoline... and a match?

That's no way to talk... because I'm gonna be there, too... as a witness.

Oh, good.

Then you can swear how it was all your idea... that you put me up to it.

You don't understand, Orville.

I'm going to be a witness for her.

For her?

The way you treated that poor girl.

You shouldn't have done it, Orville.

I shouldn't?

Why, you fat, miserable slob.

See you at the lawyer's at 8:00 sharp.


Zelda, before we go up there, I've got to talk to you.

I warn you, you're not to make any statements... except in the presence of your lawyer.

You shut up!

The way I treated you was unforgivable... but if you'll forgive me... everything will be different from now on.

There will be no more jealousy... no more suspicion, no more cross-examining.

And your eyes are not pink.

Too little and too late.

We've drawn up a temporary property settlement.

You get the piano... the pictures of Beethoven, and the classical records.

She gets the popular records, the bed, and the love seat.

Let's go.

Zelda, remember five years ago... when we exchanged wedding rings... we promised for richer, poorer, better, worse?

Where is your ring?

My ring? Oh, yeah.

You want to know where it is?

It's in the shower.

Slipped off, went down the drain.

You see, I've lost a lot of weight since you left.

What's that song they're playing?

Stick to the subject... the case of the missing ring.

Don't worry, Zelda. I'll get it back.

Maybe with a string and a piece of chewing gum... or better yet, we'll... we'll call a plumber.

Either that's "Sophia," or somebody stole it from us.

And now, the star of our show... direct from a successful appearance at the bar...

Dino.

Dino?

Listen to me, Sophia Have you any idea How much you mean to me-a?

How much, you'll never know If I'm all agitato Every heartstring vibrato I don't understand it.

Why would he sing our song after what I did to him?

I guess the bigger they are... the nicer they are.

Who but you made me so?

Look at it. It's on all twelve sets!

Twelve sets, my eye.

Thirty million people are watching this show.

A Nielsen rating of 21.7.

Did you hear that, darling? Do you know what this means?

Sure.

I'll have Charlie Green ask for more alimony.

Zelda! Shh.

I can't hear my words.

Or from earth I resign Oh, Sophia, be mine

Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, isn't it a gas, that song?

Found it myself... and there's an interesting story behind it.

I was on my way back from Vegas... and I stopped in a place called Climax, Nevada.

Lovely little town... and I heard one of the natives humming a tune... and as I drove away, that melody kept haunting me... you know... so I turned around and went back... and there were these two amateur songwriters...

Miller and Spoonsap, uh, Moonsap and Spiller.

Millsap and Spooner.

Spooner and Millsap.

Well, anyway...

I stayed up all night listening to their songs... and tonight, you're hearing one of them... for the first time... which just goes to prove... that if you've got what it takes... sooner or later, somebody will take what you've got... baby.

Listen to me, Sophia Have you any idea Can we have your autographs?

This way, please.

How much, you'll never know Imagine, just this morning, he was checking my mother's oil.

I bet you're going to make, like, a million dollars.

Who cares? In our bracket, the government gets most of it.

Will you sign this for me?

Can't we try again, lambchop?

How would it look when Barney and I... are on "The Ed Sullivan Show"... and he wants you to stand up and take a bow... and you're not in the audience?

You can always get someone to take my place.

Who'll know the difference?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Will you sign this for me?

Me, too. Here.

Me, too. Me, too.

Listen to me, Sophia He's no Valentino Have you any idea But there's no one we know How much you mean to me-a?

Who can love like Dino Oh, Sophia, be mine All the others were so-so Skinny like a pony Not a one amoroso Thin as macaroni But with you, I'm aglow Bang, bang.

Only you I adore She's sweeter than spumoni She's a manicurist I met.

I had my nails done while you were gone.

I'm not asking any questions. That's right.

There's going to be no more questions.

Here. You'd better put this on.

My ring.

When our hearts intertwine Where did you get it?

No questions, remember?

Oh, Sophia, be mine I must be going out of my mind.

I can't figure out any of this.

Any of what?

I mean, the ring and the song and the car and Dino.

How would you?

When did she?

Why would he?

Kiss me, stupid.

Oh, Sophia, be mine