Knocked Up (2007) Script

Light your nuts on fire.

Fuck! Fuck! My hands!

Too hot for Jonah!

I got fucking water in my mouth!

Oh, my God!

I got to get off! I got to get off! Got to get off!

Got to get off!

Sadie, wake up!

Oh, my gosh!

Daddy, wake up!

Okay, I'm up.

Is that my genius over here? Is that my genius?

I need you to take the kids to school this morning.

I would, but I'm supposed to work out. What?

Yeah. I got an appointment with a trainer. I can't cancel it now. He'll charge me.

You didn't tell me that. Yeah, I did.

Last week I told you. You didn't tell me.

I did. And then I wrote it on the calendar like you told me to.

No, you didn't tell me.

I did tell you. Well, you didn't, but what are we gonna do, 'cause I have an appointment?

So you're taking the kids to school.

Don't use the baby to cover your tracks.

I can drive them. I'll drive them to school.

Thank you very much. Great. Good.

You turned my sister into a limo driver.

I don't mind. It all worked out!

What are you giggling about?

Be quiet. You're starting to annoy me.

Poo poo. Ladies. Be nice.

You know what I did the other day? What?

I googled 'murder.' You googled 'murder'?

Yeah. Why?

I mean, what did it say?

It didn't say anything. It just showed pictures of people lying dead on the floor and blood everywhere, and...

That was just ketchup.

Who wants to hear some music? I want to hear Rent.

I want to hear Green Day!

No, we're listening to Rent!

Well, I want to listen to Green Day.

I got your baby!

Don't taunt her. Come on. Here.

Sadie! Why did you just do that? Don't throw things at your sister!

She hit me.

Did you hit her? I did not.

Make her happy. It's okay.

It won't make her happy. It's okay. It's okay.

She spilled all the marbles on the floor.

Well, give her her marble back.

All right? Are you sure you understand the terms of the bet?

Because this is serious. No.

Martin, all right, listen.

You don't shave your beard or cut your hair for one year, and if you can do that, I will pay your rent.

But if you shave, then you have to pay all five of our rents.

Thanks for the free money, bitch.

Hey, Martin, was it weird when you joined the Taliban, being American and everything like that?

Like when you see a woman driving a car, do you just get pissed?

Just watch your back, Serpico. You never know who your friends are.

Okay, all right. You guys can't make fun of me the whole time.

But, Martin, it's a competition. It's called the Dirty Man Competition.

We're gonna make fun of you until you shave the beard.

That's the rules. That's the whole point.

You're supposed to be tempted into shaving.

Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.

You guys aren't allowed to make fun of me.

It's not part of the rules.

Martin, why didn't you just listen to me when I was explaining the rules?

You just looked at me with that blank stare of yours.

It was like talking to a wax statue.

Okay, guys, are you ready?

So, 'Only at fleshofthestars. com will customers be able to find

'exactly how long into what movies their favorite stars are exposed.'

Nice. Oh, fucking brilliant.

Pretty good, right?

Yeah. Yeah, ka-ching. We're in.

All right, guys, let start logging, all right?

Charles Manson? Do you have any other thoughts?

Good, awesome, let's start this off with a bang.

Jamie Lee Curtis. I got an hour and 10 minutes into Trading Places.

Both chesticles.

I got Julianne 'Red Beard' Moore.

Short Cuts, two hours, 17 minutes, bush no boobs.

Julianne Moore special. She loves it.

I've seen that, and from the look of her bush, Short Cuts is the wrong name for that movie.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Well done.

Her bush looks like the hedge maze from The Shining but red and without Scatman Crothers in it.

Red Bush.

Red Bush.

So if you want that perfect tan like the stars, he's the one to see.

We'll be right back on E! News. Stay with us.

Okay. Okay, is Jessica Simpson here yet?

Let me check. Let me see.

Is she on her way? She's left her house? Hey, guys?

Okay, let me know when she's pulling in.

She's about to pull in. Is she camera-ready?

Is she camera-ready?

If she's gonna be in hair and makeup for three hours, I can't do it.

I'm not gonna be here. I got to do American Idol.

It's live. I got to do it. I got to be there.

What are we gonna interview her about?

Nothing personal.

No personal questions. No personal questions.

Don't ask her about her sister and her nose job.

No plastic surgery questions. No plastic...

No personal questions.

She doesn't want to talk about her boobs or her father's comments about her boobs.

Great. We'll talk about the Middle East and maybe an idea of an exit strategy.

Maybe she has a good pitch.

Should I ask her about Korea?

Maybe have her point it out to us on a globe?

I don't understand the young talent in this town!

It doesn't make any sense. I got four jobs.

Hell, I'm more famous than half the people we talk to, anyway!

No one stands up.

No one has the balls to sit them down and say, 'Look, just cut the shit.'

But everybody works for them.

They're all on the payroll. They're all sucking the teat!

Nobody sits them down, eye-to-eye, one-on-one, and says, 'Cut the shit.'

And all these stars just fuck it up.

That's what they do. They fuck my day up!

And it pisses me off. And now I'm sweating.

Okay, you want to... You know what?

You want us to just come and get you when she gets here?

You want to head to the green room for a minute?

Just chill out? - Okay. Yeah. - That's a good idea.

Want us to bring you anything? You want some water?

You want a cookie? Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks.

Okay, we'll get you a cookie. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pissed.

What do we got? Chocolate chip?

Allison? Yeah.

Jack and I need to see you in his office.

Okay.

Thanks for coming in, Allison.

Well, we wanted to talk to you today because we had a little debate on the conference call with New York about you.

You... About me? You were talking about me?

We were wondering aloud to one another whether or not you would be good for on camera.

What'd you decide?

They... They decided that they like you, and they would like to put you on camera.

Really? I know. I was so surprised, too.

Oh, my God. This is the best news ever.

Thank you so much.

This is great! Congratulations.

Thank you. I'll take that smile as a 'Yes, I'll do it.'

Absolutely. I'm so excited! Oh, my God.

It's a lot of work. Can't wait to see what happens.

It's gonna be tough. Tough job.

About the work, most immediately, there's gonna be some things that you're gonna be able to get...

Okay. -...that other people in the office don't get.

One of them, gym membership.

You want me to lose weight?

No, I don't want you to lose weight.

No. We can't legally ask you to do that.

We didn't say lose weight. I might say tighten.

Tight.

A little tighter?

Just like toned and smaller.

Don't make everything smaller. I don't want to generalize that way.

Tighter.

We don't want you to lose weight. We just want you to be healthy.

Okay. You know, by eating less.

We would just like it if you go home and step on a scale and write down how much you weigh and subtract it by, like, 20.

Twenty. And then weigh that much.

Just remember, you've got it here, you've got it here and everybody's gonna see you right there.

Yay! That's so exciting! Oh, my God!

Hey!

Huh?

I got a promotion.

Oh, congratulations! Thank you.

Hey, maybe you can get your own place now.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Yay! Let's go celebrate.

Okay. Let's do it.

Pete'll watch the kids? Yeah!

We can watch Taxicab Confessions.

What are you gonna do? I don't know!

I'm so excited!

I walked in on him masturbating one night.

Did he get the deer-in-the-headlights look?

Did he freeze or did he finish?

No, he tried to pretend like he wasn't doing anything under the covers.

Oh, no!

I buy these nice towels, and he whacks off into them.

Deb and Pete, forever. And...

And once he does that into them once, they're never soft ever again.

I can always tell if I'm looking good based on whether or not we get in.

Ladies? Guess we're looking good.

If I didn't get in, I would've lost my shit.

What's going on, man?

How long you gonna make us wait out here, for Christ's sake?

What the fuck?

You know what movie I just saw again the other day, which is fucking, like, mind-blowing, and I haven't seen it since it came out is Munich.

Oh, Munich!

Oh, man, Munich fucking rules. Munich is awesome!

That movie was Eric Bana kicking fucking ass!

Dude, every movie with Jews, we're the ones getting killed.

Munich flips it on its ear. We're capping motherfuckers.

Not only killing but fucking, like, taking names.

If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in Munich.

I agree with that. I agree.

You know what is not helping us get laid is the shoe bomber, Richard Reid, over here at our table.

I don't like your shoes. How is Burning Man this year?

Fuck you guys. I'm glad I'm not Jewish.

So are we. Yeah, so are we.

Yeah. Fine, screw it.

You weren't chosen for a reason.

Yeah.

It's like everyone in here is 12 years old.

Am I too old to be here? What?

Am I too old to be here? No, of course not.

Does it look weird that I'm here?

No, not at all.

Am I hotter than these little bitches?

Yes! You look amazing.

Guys in here would fuck me, right?

Yes.

That's weird to say, but it makes me feel better.

You look hot.

Okay. I believe you.

Okay. I'm getting us drinks. Okay.

Yo, a beer over here, please?

You're gonna be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderrama.

God.

Hey, hey! Excuse me!

He's literally ignoring this entire half of the bar.

Don't even bother.

Yeah, awesome.

A beer over here, please?

He looked at us! Did you see that? Yeah, that was rough.

Oh, my God. And if you can't get service, what am I gonna do, you know?

Great. It's gonna be that night.

Okay, you want a beer? Yeah, just...

Well, I'm... Watch this.

Okay? Just observe.

There you go. Come on, man.

Here you go. For your trouble. Thank you. There you go.

Thank you. Okay, enjoy it.

Are you sure? I am sure.

I tried that once before at the Comedy Store, and I got punched in the ear.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, fuck, fuck! I'm supposed to get one for my sister.

Oh, here, take mine. No, that's okay. I'll wait.

Please, I very rarely look cool. This is a big moment for me. Just take it.

Thank you. Awesome. No problem.

I'm Allison. I'm Ben.

Well, have a great night. Yeah, you, too.

Thanks for the beer. Okay, enjoy, be nice to them.

Bye. Thanks again. I'll see you. No, I'll see you later.

No, I won't 'cause I'm a pussy.

What's up, Ben?

That girl. She totally gave me an opening, man, and I locked up.

I just want to get shit-faced tonight, though, you know.

I'll just jerk it later. It's cool.

Are you fucking crazy, man? She looks smart.

Who's that she's sitting with? It's her sister.

Her sister? Yeah.

Dude, it's the dream. What are we doing standing here, man?

Let's go. Come on, follow me. You stay here. Stay here.

Why? Because your facelooks like a vagina.

Dick!

Hey, which one's the sister?

Hey, Crockett, you still partying with Tubbs these days?

Come on, man. I'm getting it from all angles here.

I don't like it anymore. I know. I don't, either.

Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusuf Islam?

Yeah, it was really awkward.

All right, man. I got to take off.

See you, Scorsese-on-coke.

What's that?

Chewbacca. You know, it's Chewie.

Oh, another beard joke. Fuck.

Fucking hilarious!

Hey. Hey.

Hi, this is my friend, Jason.

I just wanted to see how my beers were doing.

This is my sister, Debbie.

Oh, hi, I'm Ben.

Hi. Ben? Yes.

Nice to meet you.

How you doing? Good, how are you?

Just trying not to stare.

She's married.

Why do you have to say that?

What? It's a shame.

You're beautiful.

Thank you.

She has two kids, too.

Shut up!

What? It's nothing to be ashamed of.

You think that's gonna stop him from hitting on her?

It's not at all.

I love kids.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

Excuse me.

Hello? Cool phone.

Yeah, she's got a really cool phone.

What? Is it a rash, or is it the chicken pox?

I don't know! Google it.

Okay. All right, bye.

I got to go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.

I had the chicken pox three times.

I have no immunity to it.

We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.

It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Are you coming?

You know, I'm all dressed, so I'll just hang out.

Really? Yeah, I'll take a cab home.

Okay. Be safe.

I will. Yeah.

Bye, lovely. Bye.

All right, I'm gonna let you two get to know each other.

Cheers. Cheers.

To you.

No, no. You know, the, like, Entertainment News channel?

E! E!

Dude, I think he's doing the dice thing too much.

That's really all he's got.

I love your curly hair! It's so great.

Do you, like, use a product or anything?

No, that's... I use Jew, it's called.

You wanna get out of here? Yeah, let's go.

You wanna come back and hang out at my place?

Yes.

Yeah. Wicked. I'll show you my audition tape.

It's really funny. Okay, I'm really excited to watch that.

Let's go.

We could get a cab up, this way. For sure.

This is a big yard.

Let's go swimming right now. Let's just do that.

I know. It feels so right. That's right.

Oh, man. Oh, man. You're prettier than I am.

A lot.

Do you have a condom? I do.

Okay. In my pants. I have a condom.

Okay. Okay. I'll get it.

Come on.

Hurry up. Stupid fucker.

What are you doing? I almost got it.

Just give me a second.

Oh, God, just do it already!

Okay. Oh, great. Okay.

God.

Oh, that's great! Good thing I'm drunk.

This is lasting forever. Yeah, it's awesome.

I just doubled my record time.

Oh, yeah. You did.

I'm sorry, I'm sweating on you. Okay, just stop talking.

Fuck off, Martin.

I said, fuck off, Martin.

Hi.

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

I'm naked.

Yeah.

Did we have sex?

Yes.

Nice.

What time is it?

7:30.

Why the fuck are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.

I have to go to work.

Really?

Do you need to get to work or anything?

No, I'm... No work today.

Do you wanna get breakfast?

Okay.

Morning.

Good morning, Allison.

I'm Ben. What's happening, man?

Ben.

How's it going?

Ah, to be young.

Stop it.

You stop it.

Okay, see you later.

All righty.

See you later. Enjoy the day.

Never do what they did.

I'm gonna do it.

You are? Uh-oh. Someone's getting home-schooled.

I just yacked something nasty.

I feel way better, though. I think that's like the secret. Like you gotta...

I mean, once you're hung-over, you just gotta puke.

It feels so... Did you puke?

No.

You can. I won't think it's gross or anything.

Oh, that's okay, I'm fine.

Okay. I just need some coffee, so...

You know, the best thing for a hangover is weed.

Do you smoke... Do you smoke weed? Not really.

You don't? No.

At all? Mmm-mmm.

Like in the morning?

No, I just don't.

You know, it's like... It is like the best medicine.

Because it fixes everything.

Jonah broke his elbow once.

He just got high, and it still clicks, but, I mean, he's okay.

Right. Yeah.

Last night was great, what I remember of it.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, no, it was fun. We had a great time.

Yeah.

So what do you do?

I work at E!

The television channel? Uh-huh.

Remember? Wow!

We had this conversation last night.

I told you about my promotion. I was out celebrating it.

No? No.

I don't remember that at all.

Yeah. I'm super excited about it.

I'm actually doing my first on-air interview today, so...

With who? Matthew Fox.

Matthew Fox from Lost? Yeah.

You know what's interesting about him?

What?

Nothing. What?

Will you tell him he's an asshole for me?

No.

Someone needs to. Like who gives a shit?

Well, I hope a lot of people, actually, because that's what my job entails is making sure people care what he has to say.

I'm interviewing him.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just don't give a shit.

I'm just saying he deserves a beat-down.

Actually, it's sort of embarrassing to ask at this point, but what do you do for work?

Me and my roommates have started a... We're starting an Internet website.

Oh, cool. What is it?

I'll give you the virtual experience, okay? How's that?

You're at your computer. Mmm-hmm.

Who's an actress you like?

Mary Tyler Moore? No.

That does not work at all. No?

No. Okay.

Let's say you love Meg Ryan. I do.

Great. Who doesn't? Yeah.

Let's say you like her so much you wanna know every movie where she shows her tits.

And not just that, but how long into that movie she shows her tits.

You come to our web page exclusively.

Type in 'Meg Ryan.' Bam!

In the Cut, 38 minutes in, 48 minutes in, like an hour and 10 minutes...

She's, like, naked that whole fucking movie.

She does full frontal in that movie. Wow.

They should've called her Harry, not Sally. Really.

I'll show it to you. I'll show you Meg Ryan's bush.

Okay. Cool.

Yeah, I actually need to get going, so...

Well, could... Can I get your number?

I mean, I don't...

We had fun, right? We should hook up again.

I'm gonna give you my card 'cause that'll be the best way to...

Well, I mean, if you want to contact me, I don't have a cell, right now, because of payment complications.

But, I mean, you can e-mail me at the web page. I check...

It's just Ben at flesh-of-the-stars, one word, dot-com.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So, awesome.

All right, then. Nice to meet you.

Yeah. Okay. Bye. Take care.

See you.

Bye!

That was fucking brutal.

Yeah, that was brutal.

It was a huge mistake. What's a mistake?

Nothing. Nothing that we need to talk about right now.

Why did you do it?

Aunty Allison drank too much chocolate milk.

And I was feeling weird because of that.

And I made a...

I think that's enough. Okay.

Did he wear a condom? Yes.

Thank God.

Do you think you'll do it again? No, no way.

She was totally repulsed by me.

What? She just really didn't seem to like me.

Like, she wasn't laughing at my jokes. I mean, I'm like a funny guy.

Fucking funny as balls. Hilarious, man.

I'm giving her the A shit. Nothing. She thought our web page was a bad idea.

What? That fucking stuck-up bitch.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I think it's awesome that you had sex with her.

If a goofy guy like you had sex with her, I feel like I had sex with her also.

I was so drunk. I just wish I remembered it.

Hi, I'm Allison Scott. And we're here today with James Franco from Spider-Man.

How are you? Great, great.

Thanks for coming. Of course.

Tell me, were you a big fan of the...

I'm sorry, let me take that again. Okay.

Tell me, were you a big fan of the comic books growing up?

No, actually, I didn't read any of the comic books until I got the movie and then...

Are you okay? Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, just what about the comic books?

Just keep talking.

Like I said, I really wasn't into them, but now that I did the research, I think they're pretty amazing, like...

Shit.

What the fuck?

Is that the sound of you puking?

If this is one of those fucking joke shows, I'm not into it.

We should put this on YouTube. Shut up.

This is hilarious. You're an asshole.

Look how sweaty you are. You look like Dom DeLuise.

I don't need to see it again. It's gonna make me throw up.

You look like Jabba the Hutt dying.

You're such an asshole.

I'm just jerking your chain.

I'll fix this. No problem.

Yeah, maybe if you can just edit this out, and we can...

We can reshoot my questions.

What's up?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Over here.

Not on the mix board, not on the mix board, here.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Are you sick? I don't know.

What'd you eat? I haven't eaten today yet.

You haven't... Do you have, like, a napkin or something?

Here, here.

What, do you have, like, the flu?

I don't know.

God, I hope you're not pregnant.

It's impossible. You have to have sex to get pregnant.

B.K. It's Brent Master Five.

Allison just puked.

Dude, that's what I said. She's probably pregnant, right?

Oh, shit. How does she look right now?

She looks like she just realized that she's pregnant.

No, I can't be pregnant. Right?

I mean that was, what?

Eight weeks ago? When was that? Mmm-hmm.

Did you miss your period?

No. Wait.

I don't know. Shit. I don't know.

I can't remember.

I was... I mean, I've been really stressed at work.

I can't remember my last period.

Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant till she's sitting on the toilet and a kid pops out?

Can you not joke right now? Don't joke right now.

This is really serious. Did I meet him?

Yeah. You know, he was kind of like medium height, sort of chubby. Blonde, curly hair. Remember?

With the man-boobs. Yes.

Here, I have this thing of him on my phone.

I just watched it.

Hey! I live in your phone!

Oh.

This is the best night of my life.

I gotta pee.

Yeah. Oh, God.

How did this happen? Oh, shit.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

They're here! Here they are! Over here!

Oh, no.

Okay, here we are. Okay.

Okay. All right. Here.

Oh, no. Give me more! Give me a few more!

Did you try the Ova-Sure?

I'm dripping, I'm dripping. Wait.

Oh, good! A smiley face!

Oh, I think that's bad.

How long does this one take?

These can't all be positive. Let me try one.

God, you really had to pee.

What is this? What the hell is this?

I think you picked up the wrong one.

Oh, fuck.

That scared me.

That would suck. I'm sorry.

That scared me.

It's gonna be fine. Right?

Right?

Of course it will be fine. It's gonna be fine.

You just need to call him.

Maybe I don't need to call him until after I see the doctor.

You need to call. I don't want to call him.

I don't need to call him. You should call.

I can't call him anyway. He doesn't even have a phone.

He didn't even have a number to give me.

He doesn't have a phone?

Said he had some kind of billing issue.

He can't afford a phone? Sadie has a phone.

Oh, shit, you're right. I got to call.

I don't know. I'm gonna have to look him up on his stupid website.

What kind of website does he have?

He spelled 'coming' wrong. Oh, it's cum...

Yeah. Oh, that's gross.

Just go to 'Contact Us.'

Ben? Yeah.

'What is your number? I need to speak with you right away.'

Send? Yep.

You're sure?

Yeah.

I love weed.

I could smoke weed every second of every day.

Jay, I am your stoner.

Hey, Benjamin? Yeah.

Flesh of the Stars just got an e-mail. Really?

Would you like me to read it to you? Yeah, sure.

'Ben, what is your number?

'I need to speak to you right away. Allison Scott.'

Oh! Shit!

Someone wants seconds, mama!

Oh, man!

'Looking forward to speaking with you.'

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do one of those smiley faces at the end.

Fucking-A. Those are sexy. Sent.

Somebody wants another piece!

Booty-booty call.

Yeah, hello? Hi.

Hey, Ben, this is... This is Allison. I don't know if you remember me.

Oh, yeah, Allison. What's up?

She like the way your dick tastes.

Yeah, I actually was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get together, like tomorrow night?

I've been meaning to call you so we could, like, hook up again.

You know what I'm saying? Okay, cool.

Let's meet up maybe tomorrow night? You wanna just grab some dinner?

Yeah. Why not? Meeting of minds sounds good.

What do you say Geisha House, Hollywood, 9:00?

Sure, sure. That's cool.

Can we make it more like 6:00, though?

I'd like to keep it early.

6:00. Beat the rush. Yeah, leaves more time for afterwards.

Dessert. Sweet.

Okay, great.

So, yeah. I'll just meet you there, then, at 6:00.

Yeah. I'll see you there.

Okay, take care. Peace.

Oh, shit.

I'm gonna get laid, motherfucker!

Yes! Yes!

Nice place, huh? Yeah, it's really nice.

Sorry it took so long to get a table. I didn't realize you needed a reservation.

Oh, no, that's okay.

So how's work? Great.

How's E!? Great.

That's awesome. Do you know Vince Vaughn?

Have you ever met him? No.

I really feel like we'd get along well. I just...

He seems like a fun guy.

I feel like we'd, like, hang together well. Mmm-hmm.

I feel like he'd like me.

I'm sure a lot of guys are like, 'Oh, I'd like to hang out with that celeb', but I really think he would want to hang out with me, is like the cool thing.

I'm sure he would. Yeah.

You look very pretty, though. Thanks.

By the way. Yeah, I just thought...

I don't know, I thought maybe it'd be cool to hang out a little bit and...

We didn't really get to talk that much last time, so I thought...

That we didn't.

I thought maybe we'd just talk and get to know each other better.

Cool. Okay.

I'll start. I'm Canadian. Oh, that's cool.

From Vancouver. I live here illegally, actually.

Don't tell anyone.

But it works out in my advantage, I think, ultimately, 'cause I don't have to pay any taxes.

So financially that's helpful

'cause I don't have a lot of money.

You know, I mean, I'm not poor or anything, but I eat a lot of spaghetti.

So, you know, the web page or whatever is just something that you guys do for fun?

Do you have a real job?

Well, that is our job. Oh.

We don't technically get money for the hours we put in, but it is our job.

So, how do you... Right. How do I pay rent and shit?

When I was in high school, I got ran over by a postal truck.

Oh, my God. It just kind of...

It was my foot more than anything.

But I got like 14 grand from the British Columbia government.

Right. And that really lasted me.

I mean, until now.

It's been almost 10 years. I have like 900 bucks left.

So that should last me for, like, I mean, I'm not a mathematician, but like another two years or some shit.

I think.

Yeah.

So I have something I really need to tell you.

It's kind of why I called you.

Here goes. Um...

I'm pregnant.

Fuck off. What?

What? I'm pregnant.

With emotion?

With a baby. You're the father.

I'm the father? Yes.

How the fuck could this happen? I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I thought you were wearing a condom.

No. What?

I wasn't. Why not?

Because you told me not to.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about? You told me not to.

I did not tell you not to wear a condom.

Here's what happened, okay?

I will give you a play-by-play of my memory.

I almost had the condom on my dick.

It was on the cusp, and then you said, 'Just do it, already.'

I didn't mean do it without a condom.

I meant 'do it' like 'hurry up,' like 'Get fucking going!'

Well, I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a dental dam or one of those fucking butterfly clips or something like that.

What the hell is a dental dam? It's like Saran Wrap!

It's disgusting, okay? But I thought you had one.

Why the fuck didn't you stop me once we started?

I don't know! I couldn't tell that you didn't have one on!

Obviously, I was drunk!

Was your vagina drunk?

Did you think it's the thinnest condom on earth I have on?

I'm a fucking inventor? I made a dick-skin condom?

He hollowed out a penis and put it on?

What the fuck?

You are unbelievable.

Okay, you know what? Maybe I've reacted unfavorably.

So what happens now? I don't know how this works.

I am going to the doctor next week, and I thought you could come with me to the gynecologist.

So you haven't seen him, though? No.

So you don't know if you're pregnant.

Well, I'm not 100% sure. You're not 100% sure.

I bet you're not pregnant.

No, they're not.

No, they're all in the bag. They're in the bag.

Allison Scott?

Yeah. Come on.

I'm supposed to come? Yes.

Hello. My name is Thomas Pellagrino.

I'm... I'm Ben Stone.

Hi, there, champ. Nice to meet you.

And you must be Debbie's sister. Yeah.

Alice. Allison. Hi.

Hi. How are you? Good.

So, what can I help you with today, Mr. and Mrs. Stone?

I took a home pregnancy test, and it said I was pregnant, so here we are.

Okay. Let's have a look.

Legs up.

Nice office.

Thank you.

Well, you do look a lot like your sister.

This is gonna be cold. And you're next.

Okay, there is the cervix and the uterus.

See that?

That dark sac there, that's the amniotic sac.

And right there in the middle is the embryo.

Do you see that flicker? You know what that is?

Yeah, that's a heartbeat.

Yeah, it looks like you are pregnant.

About eight or nine weeks, I'd say.

Congratulations.

That... That's it?

Yep.

Take good care of it.

Now the fun part starts.

Let me... Let me make a picture for you, huh?

That'll be fun.

Okay. Well, I'll... I'll meet you in my office.

Okay.

I'll give you a little time alone, there.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

It's okay.

I can't fucking believe you didn't wear a bag!

Who does that?

Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use them, man?

I can't believe you did this. You fucked everything up.

Look, the real point is not to get yourself in this position.

That's what you have to realize.

You gotta know all the tricks.

Like, for example, if a woman's on top, she can't get pregnant.

It's just gravity. Well, that's true.

Everyone knows that.

What goes up must come down.

I think it's awesome that you're gonna have a kid, man.

Think about it like this. It's just an excuse to play with all your old toys again.

You know what I think you should do?

Take care of it.

Tell me you don't want him to get an 'A' word.

Yes, I do, and I won't say it for little Baby Ears over there, but it rhymes with 'Shma-shmortion.'

I'm just saying... Hold on, Jay, cover your ears.

You should get a shma-shmortion at the shma-shmortion clinic.

Ben, you cannot let these monsters have any part of your child's life.

All right? I'm gonna be there to rear your child.

You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid.

He wants to rear your child!

I just have a quick question.

Do you use that Canadian flag tattoo as a cum target of some sort?

How many points do you get if you hit the leaf? Like a million?

Jonah, I am a patriot.

This is a tribute to my country and my countrymen.

I always aim right.

Right into a dude's ass.

Please, guys.

Ben, Come on, man. I'm just kidding you.

Oh, great. Now he's upset. I won't let him do it.

Allison, just take care of it.

Take care of it. Move on.

What's gonna happen with your career?

How are you gonna tell them?

I'm not gonna tell them for a while.

I have a while before I have to say anything.

How could you not tell them? They're not gonna know.

I mean, I'm only gonna start to show when I'm like, I don't know, six months or something.

Seven months.

Three months. No.

Three months. Fat in the face, jowls, fat ass.

Debbie didn't get fat.

Debbie is a freak of nature.

Mom, you know, it's important to me that you be supportive.

I cannot be supportive of this. This is a mistake.

This is a big, big mistake.

Now, think about your stepsister.

Now, you remember what happened with her?

She had the same situation as you, and she had it taken care of.

And you know what? Now she has a real baby.

Honey, this is not the time.

I'm gonna be a grandfather.

You happy about that?

Absolutely. Delighted.

This is a disaster.

No, this is not a disaster.

It is... An earthquake is a disaster.

Your grandmother having Alzheimer's so bad she doesn't even know who the fuck I am, that's a disaster.

This is a good thing. This is a blessing.

I have a vision for how my life would go, and this definitely is not it.

Wait. Is this your vision? Are you living your vision right now?

I am kind of living my vision, yeah.

Well, that is sad, I'm telling you.

Life doesn't care about your vision. Okay?

Stuff happens. You just got to deal with it.

You roll with it. That's the beauty of it all.

I just don't get how I tell the kid not to do drugs when I do drugs.

I'll feel like a hypocrite.

Well, remember what I told you when you were a teenager?

What did you say? I said, 'No pills, no powders.'

That's right, that's right.

Right. If it grows in the ground, it's probably okay.

I mean, I guess it worked. Like you told me not to smoke pot all those years, and then I found out you were smoking pot that whole time.

Not the whole time.

Just in the evenings and all day every weekend.

Not that much.

Honestly, though, when you look at me do you not think at all, like, 'You know, if he just never existed, 'I would have avoided a massive heap of trouble,' you know?

Absolutely not.

I love you totally and completely.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you?

Yeah.

Now I just feel bad for you.

Hello? Hi. Ben?

Oh. Hey, Allison.

How's it going? Good, good.

You know, I was just calling to...

To let you know that I've decided to keep the baby.

I'm keeping it.

Oh.

Yeah. So, that's what's happening with that.

Good. That's good. That's what I was hoping you'd do.

So, awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, it is good.

Okay, I know we didn't plan this, and, you know, neither of us really thought it was gonna happen, but life is like that, you know, you can't plan for it.

And even if we did plan, life doesn't care about your plans, necessarily.

And you just kind of have to go with the flow and, you know, I know my job is to just support you in whatever it is you wanna do, and, I'm in, you know.

So whatever you wanna do, I'm gonna do, you know. It's...

I'm on board. Yay!

I really appreciate you saying that.

No problem. You know, so I'll tell you, you know, maybe if you could help me by telling me, like, one thing that I am supposed to do, then that would be good, because I literally have no idea whatsoever.

I have no idea, either.

So, do you want to, like, get together and talk about it or something like that?

Yeah, sure. Like a date? I mean...

Yeah.

Hey. Hi.

You look beautiful. Thank you.

No problem. Come on in.

Everyone, this is Allison. Hi.

Ally. Hey. Jason, I'm sure you remember. Yes.

You look beautiful. Thank you.

Your body's responding really well to the pregnancy.

Thank you.

It's amazing how fast the milk arrives.

Oh.

How's your sis?

She's good.

Oh, good. Tell her, 'What's up?' for me. Okay.

All right, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.

And this beautiful young man is Jonah.

Hi. Hey.

Okay, that's Martin and Jodi over there.

Hi.

I'm gonna grab my shirt. Just take a seat if you want.

Okay. Cool.

You are scared, aren't you?

Just another day at the office. Uh-huh.

Do you have any acting experience?

No. Uh-huh.

How's it going? You wanna toke?

No. I'm good.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Jodi. Yeah, hi.

I heard you were pregnant. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, aren't you scared?

The way it's gonna come out of your...

It's gonna hurt a lot, I bet. Your vagina...

That's so sick.

I don't know.

Are you hungry?

No, I'm okay right now. Thank you.

You must be angry at the baby whenever it steals your food, huh?

'Oh, it's mine, not yours.'

But, you know, because you're family, you got to share.

Right.

Man, my balls are shaved. My pubes are trimmed.

I'm ready to fucking rock this shit.

What the fuck, man?

If I go in there and see fucking pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fucking lose my mind!

Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fucking stuffed animal!

You're embarrassing me in company.

You embarrass yourself.

Oh, great. I hope you have a great evening!

All right. Let's go. Okay.

See you guys later.

The funny thing is I really had never even thought about having a baby.

Yeah. I mean, if this hadn't happened, I don't think I would have wanted to have a baby for like, I don't know, at least 10 years. At least!

God, I mean, honestly, I just got used to the, like, notion that someone would even have sex with me.

I didn't think this would happen.

Get ready.

This will be coming out of you in seven months.

This is exactly what our baby will look like.

It's a beautiful picture, Ben. It is. It's not bad.

Hello, Mommy.

Our baby's gonna be French-Canadian.

With a little hint of Spanish.

Exactly. I'm not good with accents, but...

Baby books. Awesome.

'What to Expect When You're Expecting.'

What can we expect?

Well, you can't eat sushi.

You can't smoke.

You can't smoke marijuana. You can't smoke crack.

You can't jump on trampolines.

This is basically a giant list of things you can't do.

Yeah, it sounds thrilling.

I'm gonna be sitting there on the trampoline smoking crack.

And you're not gonna have anything to do.

You're gonna be bored.

But I can't wait to read these, honestly.

Seriously, I put these in front of my toilet, though, they'll be read by tomorrow morning.

Do you want me to get you that? Yeah.

You like it? Yeah, thank you.

No problem.

These are heavy.

So what do you think? Should we have sex tonight?

Sounds awful.

I'm just really constipated.

Do you really want to?

Well, now...

Shut up.

It's pretty crazy, your sister's pregnant.

We have to help her.

I think they'll be fine. Look at us. It happened to us.

We'll help her raise the baby.

Well...

Fuck!

At least we don't have to use a condom, you know?

But we can. I don't... I brought some just in case. I don't...

I don't have VD or anything. I mean, I don't, I thought...

It's not that.

You know, it's just...

I thought maybe we could get a little fun out of your situation, you know?

Okay, first of all, it's not my situation.

It's our situation.

I know, of course, I know that.

And just because I'm pregnant, I'm not some ruined woman and all romance goes out the door.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

It's just...

I like you a lot. That's all this is. That's...

I like you, too.

Sweet.

A little, so far.

I mean, we have seven months before the baby comes.

We don't have to rush it. Yeah.

We should really just try to get to know each other and give this a real shot.

You know, we got ourselves into this situation.

We kind of have to.

For the baby, right? Exactly.

Okay, if this was our second date, what would you do?

B.J., if I'm just being honest, I would probably...

I told my roommates I thought I was gonna get a B.J., so...

You know what?

For the sake of getting to know one another, can you not talk like that?

Yeah, I can do that. I'm... I'm really nervous.

I'm nervous, too. I'm really nervous.

Yeah.

You're a sweet guy, right?

I think I am. Yeah.

Don't fuck me over, okay?

I wouldn't do that.

Just so you know, I'm the guy girls fuck over.

I'm that guy. So you don't fuck me over.

Okay? Okay.

I couldn't take it. I can't raise this baby alone.

Who's he?

I'm Ben Stone.

He's my boyfriend.

That's nice.

I've never met him before.

Well, he's a new boyfriend.

But a boyfriend.

So he came over for breakfast because he's your new boyfriend?

Yeah. He came from his house.

Drove over to our house because he thought it would be fun to have breakfast with us, so he drove his car from his house to our house to have breakfast.

Because he likes breakfast so much.

I love breakfast.

You guys wanna hear something neat? We're gonna have a baby together.

What? Yeah, a baby.

Well, you're not married.

Aren't you supposed to be married to have a baby?

You don't have to be.

But they should be because they love each other, and people who love each other get married and have babies.

Mmm-mmm.

Do you love each other?

Yes, they love each other. Because that's what you do.

When you love each other, you get married and have a baby.

Where do babies come from?

Where do you think they come from?

Well, I think a stork, he drops it down, and then a hole goes in your body, and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head, and then you push your belly button, and then your butt falls off, and then you hold your butt and you have to dig, and you'll find a little baby.

That's exactly right.

Feed the Teddy bear.

Okay, I feed your bear the grass?

Okay.

You know what your bear would also like to do with some grass?

Smoke it.

What do you think of him? He's funny, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Fetch.

All right, bring it back.

He's playing fetch with my kids.

He's treating my kids like they're dogs.

No, he's not.

Go get it! Fetch!

Who plays fetch with kids?

He's trying. He's making an effort.

Bring it back. He's overweight.

Where does that end?

How old is he? 23.

Looks 33.

He can barely get in and out of that little house.

Imagine how much bigger he's gonna get.

That means he has bad genes.

Your kid is gonna be overweight.

Shit.

I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get...

Just give him a break.

Okay. I'll try.

They seem to love bubbles.

Oh, God. They go ape shit over bubbles.

They're really going ape shit.

I mean, that's an incredible thing about a child.

I mean, what's so great about bubbles?

They float. You can pop them. I mean, I get it. I get it.

I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.

That's sad. It's totally sad.

Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything.

Am I gonna be okay, man?

Oh, who knows?

Is anybody okay? I'm not okay.

You're asking the wrong guy.

Just don't ask me to lend you any money, you know?

Can I just have some?

No.

I have 15 years of tennis lessons.

And 12 years of sucking dick lessons.

So?

I can't ref the next games, by the way.

I got to go meet gynecologists with Allison.

She doesn't like her gynecologist.

You think she likes you? She's trying to.

She's entertaining the idea of liking you. Exactly. I'll take that.

Yeah, well, see, she's bringing you to the gynaechiatrist.

She must like you. Yeah. Pretty good, I think.

You know who I'd like to get pregnant, is that Felicity Huffman, man.

Ever since TransAmerica, I can't get her out of my mind.

Okay, guys. I hate to crack the whip, but it's kind of business meeting time.

I need moolah.

When do you think we can launch this site? Jeez.

Look, man. You can't rush this.

You know what happens to these sites when they go up and they don't function well? They die.

Seriously, guys, let's say I want to launch today.

Let's start. Let's use that as a jumping off point.

Let's make this happen. What can we do?

Look, man, I didn't go to Yale so I could work

12 hours a day.

I thought you went to Santa Monica City College.

I went where I went, Jason.

I'm not asking you to work 12 hours a day.

I mean, you guys watch movies without nudity in them.

I'll tell you what, man. We could probably get it online in three months.

Thank you. Yes! Three months.

Come on, Jason!

Fuck off!

Yeah, well, you still have a little dick, Cartman.

Do you have mints? Yeah, right there.

I see what you're saying. Totally.

I don't get how you're comfortable with any of these guys when they're doing what they're doing to you.

First guy...

Oh, there that shit is. I've been looking for that.

The first guy, when he put his finger in, he gave me this look like, 'Sorry, man, it's the job' and I'm like, 'Don't look at me when your finger's...'

I mean, get in and get out. Get on with your day, you know?

That's the closest I'll ever come to being in a threesome, I think.

Really?

If you had to do a threesome with me and one of my other roommates, who would it be?

Um...

I'm gonna have to go with Jay.

Oh, no.

Yeah. Jay?

I'm really turned on by his sort of skinny awkwardness and his hot little Mohawk. His Mohawk.

You two are never allowed to be in the same room ever again.

If we ever had a three-way with Jay, you turn around, he'd be sucking my dick.

I'm telling you right now.

Do you smoke cigarettes? No.

Do you smoke cigarettes?

I have on occasion.

On occasion? When? When was the last time you had one cig?

You know, one, you know, little...

I need to know, or I will not be your doctor.

How you doing?

I'm breathing like James Gandolfini over here.

Slow down, man. You're making me look like a jackass.

How long you kids been married?

We're not. No.

You're single?

She's not single. She's just not married.

Are you two together?

Hey, you wanna trade boyfriends?

Just kidding. Kind of.

That is not your vagina. That's your asshole.

That happens about five times a day.

Are you sure you don't wanna come paintballing?

Have fun, guys. Seriously. Watch the eyes.

See you, guys. See you, Ally. Bye.

I don't wanna go. I swear to God.

I wanna see Breathless at the LACMA.

Boobs! Boobs, boobs, boobs!

Hold on, pause it, pause it, pause it.

Boobs and bush! Boobs and bush.

Good boobs. Those are good ones!

We're like 35 seconds in. Nice.

Right in the beginning credits. Credit bush.

You never get opening credit bush. I know. That's so crazy.

No.

You got me.

You got me.

How many doctors are there in your practice?

Just 'cause I'm sort of looking for a more personal experience.

I wanna make sure that you're my doctor on the day, and...

Yeah, I understand.

We have three other doctors in the practice, but I'm your man, okay?

I don't take vacations. I hate Hawaii.

I went to the Caribbean when I was 14, and I'm never going back.

I feel really good about this. I think we found our doctor.

Really? Yeah.

All right.

Are you serious right now? Yeah.

Wow.

You look relieved. I am very relieved.

I can't imagine meeting any more of you people.

You're being dramatic. We didn't meet that many.

Do they know?

Pardon?

The belly.

Oh, yeah. The donuts, they call to me.

Hey, Allison. Great job. Thanks.

You're pregnant, aren't you? What?

I mean, you've put on like, eight pounds, nine.

It's all in your uterus.

Oh, shit.

I haven't told them. Do you think they're gonna be mad?

I'm, like, really chickening out about this.

It's okay. We can hide this.

We'll dress you in black, and we'll emphasize your boobs.

Awesome.

I mean, your boobs are gonna be big.

And then they're gonna be, like, scary big.

But then they'll go down. And then they'll stay down.

Just... Just don't say anything, okay?

Please don't say anything.

Oh, no, I won't, I won't. Just tell them. They'll be cool.

Everybody loves somebody pregnant.

Did you see this sex offender website?

These are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.

Looks like your computer has chicken pox.

Those are sex offenders.

These people live in our neighborhood.

Well, I'll skip their houses when we're trick-or-treating.

What do you want me to do? Form a posse?

Got your six-shooter on you? I got my lynching rope.

You shouldn't take it so lightly.

I don't take it lightly.

You know, I'm not gonna go over to any of these people's houses and say, 'Hey, do you mind... Can you baby-sit?'

If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything.

Care more.

You're so concerned with stuff, like

'Don't get them vaccinated.

'Don't let them eat fish. There's mercury in the water.'

Jesus, how much Dateline NBC can you watch?

I know we're supposed to be nice with each other right now, but I'm having a really hard time.

I'm struggling with it right now. What am I doing?

'Cause I want to rip your fucking head off because you're so fucking stupid!

This is scary. These are our children. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

You fucking dipshit. God! You... Mmm-hmm.

I literally am at a point where I don't know what I can say.

So I'm the bad guy because I'm trying to protect our kids from child molesters and mercury?

And you're cool 'cause you don't give a shit.

Yeah. Yeah? Is that it?

Pretty much. God, you're an asshole.

Don't do this in front of Ben.

I don't give a shit about Ben.

Sorry, Ben.

It's okay. I didn't think she did, anyway.

Okay, Come on! Let's go.

Oh, I can't go.

This band is doing a showcase out in the Valley. I got to go.

It's Saturday.

I got to go.

You don't want to know the sex of the baby?

That's no fun.

Ben knows, but I've sworn him to secrecy.

I'll get it out of him.

No.

Hey.

Think we'll ever be as happy as Baby Björn couple is?

We are that happy.

Yeah. You look happy.

Which is awesome, 'cause I never like guys like you. It's great.

You keep saying that. I know.

This is it. This is perfect.

Nice.

Holy shit! It's 1,400 bucks.

We can just borrow yours. Is that okay?

No. You need your own crib.

You know, there's one of these lying in an alley behind my house.

We could just grab that. Just rub Purell all over it.

You know what? Let me buy it.

I need to get you a baby present anyway.

And I would love to get it for you. No.

I'm serious. I want to.

No. It's too much.

Yes. We'll take it.

Obviously, I mean, don't insult the woman.

She wants to get us a gift.

Right.

Wanna buy me some new shoes? What else can I squeeze out of you?

Xbox 360. Xbox 360.

So hot in the Valley.

Hey! Oh, Allison! Hi.

How are you?

It's so good to see you.

We've been watching you on E! It's the coolest thing.

Yeah, it's been super exciting, just crazy busy.

I'm so sorry I haven't called.

Oh, it's fine. Hi, I'm Ashley.

This is my friend, Ben. I'm Ben.

I went to school with Allison.

Okay, so, is Debbie having another baby?

No. Allison is.

What? I just saw you a couple months ago.

You're pregnant?

It was a big surprise.

It's actually... It's a really funny story, actually.

If you guys... If you got a second to hear it.

It's not really funny. It's not funny.

Let them be the judge, okay? I think it's funny.

You know they say don't drink and drive? Uh-huh.

Don't drink and bone! Wow.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, she was acting weird, and I really think it's just 'cause, like, you know, I haven't made an honest woman out of her.

She's carrying my bastard child. No one wants that.

That's what I did. I mean, I married Debbie when she got pregnant.

You think she's, like, hiding me?

Like, she's, like, embarrassed by me or something like that?

Probably. I'd hide you.

How much do wedding rings cost?

I mean, it really depends, you know?

I think you're supposed to spend, like, three months' pay on a ring.

That'll be easy. I don't make any money.

Really? I thought there was lot of money in porn.

God, it's not porn, okay?

All we do is we show you what nude scenes are in what movies.

Oh, like Mr. Skin?

Who's Mr. Skin?

Dude, Mr. Skin.

Mr. Skin?

No!

We've wasted 14 months of our lives.

This is exactly the same as our site.

How the fuck did this happen?

Mr. Skin. That's even a better name than ours!

Fuck me in the beard.

Dude, they got the top 10 group shower scenes!

Why didn't you think of that, Jay?

Don't put this on me!

God damn it!

Well, shit, I saw it online at one point, but I guess I didn't connect the dots.

What are we gonna do now?

All we need to do is think of a new, better idea that no one else has thought of already.

Oh, dude, Spider-Man 3 starts in eight minutes.

Don't worry, man. We'll figure it out.

You know what?

I think just because this site exists doesn't mean our site won't work, necessarily.

Good things come in pairs, man, you know.

Oh, for sure.

Volcano, Dante's Peak, Deep Impact, Armageddon, right?

Wyatt Earp, Tombstone.

Panda Express, Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

Exactly. We can work together.

This can help us, if anything, I think.

We're fine. We're golden.

Look, Allison, I'm sure this isn't how you pictured it being, exactly, and it's not how I wanted it to be, but that is why I'm presenting you this empty box.

It's a promise, Allison.

It's a promise that one day I will...

I will fill this box with a ring that you deserve, a beautiful ring.

And I can't afford it yet.

I've picked it out already, though, and it's at De Beers, and it's really nice.

So basically I'm asking you, will you marry me?

Because I'm in love with you.

I love you, too.

Really?

Oh, man, that's so nice to hear.

That's the first time a girl's ever said that to me, so...

But here's the thing.

There's a thing?

I don't really know yet what that love means, you know.

Just 'cause it's so new, and it's so exciting that it's great.

I don't know. We've only known each other

17 weeks, so it's...

Okay.

Honestly, I mean, I thought...

I thought you felt weird that we're having a baby and we're not engaged or anything.

I'm gonna get off my knee. Yeah.

It's hurting a little bit.

No, I'm okay with that.

You know, we're just doing what we can.

We're making the best of it, and I don't want us to put any more pressure on ourselves than we already have.

Okay. Yeah. That makes perfect sense.

Are you okay? I don't want to hurt your feelings.

No, no, no. Honestly, I just wanted to do right by you, you know?

So if you don't want to, that's totally cool, you know?

Okay.

I really do love you.

I know. Thanks.

You mentioned that. It's nice.

Ben proposed to me.

What? He did.

It was really sweet. I kind of feel a little bit bad about it.

He was, like, wearing this great little button-down.

He tucked his shirt in. He got down on one knee.

It was so sweet.

He didn't have an actual ring, though.

It was just an empty box.

But, you know, he had this whole spiel about when he has the money, he's gonna buy me the ring that I deserve and...

The box was just empty?

I mean, he can't afford a ring, so...

So he got down on one knee and gave you an empty box?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Get over it. It was sweet.

I'm telling you, if you'd been there, you would have probably cried.

You need to train him. Huh?

Oprah said that when two people meet, they are forced to point out each other's differences and flaws.

I thought you were supposed to just accept people for who they are, love them anyway.

You criticize them a lot, and then they get so down on themselves that they're forced to change.

Really? You don't think that would just make it worse?

That'd be, like, naggy.

And then in the end, they thank you for it.

You can't commit to him. You can't make a commitment to him.

You don't even know him. I don't even know Pete after 10 years.

What? I don't know what he's up to.

He's miserable.

Why do you say that?

I think he's cheating on me. What?

He's always going off to these business meetings at odd hours.

And then I try to call him on his cell phone, and he says that he's in bad cell phone reception areas when he's in good cell phone reception areas.

Maybe he's working late.

You know, I mean, maybe he's just working really hard to sign a new great band or something.

I can't imagine Pete doing something like that.

There's no part of you that thinks that maybe he's a dirty little scumbag?

No. Mmm-mmm.

I think he might be.

'Memory Spy, web memory software.

'Locate history files, websites visited, 'hidden downloads, searches, email history. Memory Spy.'

Let's see you hide from me now, little man.

So you're not even gonna tell them?

No. You know, I don't have to tell them.

It's illegal for them to fire me over it anyway, and I get three months maternity leave if I stay, so I'm just, you know, not gonna tell them.

That's a good plan. Yeah. I like it.

It is a good plan until her water breaks all over Robert De Niro's shoes.

'My shoes! Hey, there's all this baby goo on it.'

'These shoes? On these shoes?

'Did you puke on my shoes?'

'Did your water break on my shoes?'

'Did you puke on my shoes?'

Oh, my God.

Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid and all your dreams and hopes just go right out the window?

What changed for you? What went out the window?

What plans?

You do everything exactly the same.

No, I mean, I love what I'm doing. Like, say...

Okay, say, you know, before you're married and have children, you wanna go live in India for a year.

You can do it. But you can't do it once you have a family.

You wanna go live in India? I don't wanna go live in India.

Do you want to go to India? Go to India! Seriously, go to India.

What about you? Do you want to go to India?

I'm not going to India. You can go to India.

I get what he's talking about.

You know, honestly, like, when I found out about...

I totally, like, I just had this flash of me, like in a white Ford Bronco, and I'm just hauling ass for Canada, man.

The chopper's taping the whole thing, and I just...

I bust through the border and I'm a free man!

That's all I kept thinking, man.

You know what I'm saying? It was a flash!

Wait. What do you mean? What are you...

Don't look at me.

We can talk about our fears here.

It's not like he did it.

I mean, honestly, like, if Doc Brown screeched up in front of you in the DeLorean.

Open the door, he's like, 'Hey, Allison, Come on. I got the car here. What do you wanna do?'

No part of your brain would have been, like, 'You know, maybe we'll go back

'to that night and I would maybe put a condom on Ben's dick.'

You never got that flash? No.

And I don't know what you're talking about.

'Where we're going, we don't need roads.'

Exactly. You wouldn't do that?

I don't know who Doc Brown is.

What are you talking about?

Doc Brown is the guy who's Christopher Lloyd.

He invented the DeLorean, the time machine.

He's the one who made the time machine. What?

It's the time machine. Everyone has the time machine image.

Hey. I have a really good idea.

Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other?

Who needs a time machine?

This is my time machine!

I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean, gun it to '88.

You are a funny motherfucker, man. Jesus.

How can you fight with him? Look at his face.

I just want to kiss it.

I think he's cute.

I like the way you move.

This is fun! We should do this more, I think.

I mean, this is, like, the most fun I've had in a really long time.

Come on, harder. I can't do it harder.

Why? Come on. Come on, just do it. Deeper.

I can't. Oh, why?

I'll poke the baby if I go deeper. Oh, Come on! Just do it!

Please, don't yell at me, please don't.

What? The doctor and Debbie said it's fine. Come on!

Look, can we... I'm sorry, can we change positions?

What? I'm gonna crush the baby. I know it.

This is ridiculous! Why are we... No, it's not.

There's no shell in there, you know?

Millions of people have sex when they're pregnant!

I don't know how it works. It just works, okay? Just do it.

All I'm thinking of is that I'm gonna...

I weigh over 200 pounds.

Just get over it! I can't do it. Can you just get on top?

All I see is our baby getting poked in the face by my penis.

Trust me, you're not even close. Okay.

Come on, fine. Okay, fine.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

That's okay. Sorry.

Okay. Oh, good.

I can't. I can't.

I can't. I can't do this, I just... I can't. I can't.

I can't focus like this.

I look disgusting from this angle. I can feel you looking up at my chins.

I know I look gross. No, you look beautiful.

Your chin looks so skinny.

And my boobs are all, like, squishy, and they're flopping around.

I can feel it, and it's distracting. No...

It's all National Geographic.

Okay. Can we do... Do you wanna do doggie style?

No. I do not want you to fuck me like a dog.

I'm not fucking you like a dog. It's doggie style.

It's just the style. It's not...

It's not like a dog. We don't have to go outside or anything.

Here we go. Okay. Okay.

Okay, is it good? Yeah.

Should I go slower? Yeah, no, that's good.

Okay, faster? Harder.

Just tell me when you're close. Just go harder.

Okay. Keep going!

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck! What?

What happened? Oh, my God.

The baby, it kicked my hand. Well, no, no, it always kicks.

No, no, no. Not like this. No, it's fine. It's fine. Just keep going.

It was a warning kick. This was a bad kick.

No, no, it's fine. It's fine! It's fine!

Look, my dick must be like an inch away from its face, and it's coming, just coming in at its face. Oh, shit.

What if it kicked 'cause it didn't like it?

I can't do that to our baby. That's the first thing it's gonna see.

What are you talking about?

It's having the baby between, you know, us, it just makes it weird.

I'm sorry.

It just freaks me out a bit. It's a little weird.

I have totally lost it.

You've totally lost it? I've lost it.

Okay.

Great, you know what? Just forget it.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Don't worry. I won't make you do this again.

Shit.

Fuck me!

Oh, my God. It's the Russians!

Jodi, I'll protect you! Oh, man!

Ben!

Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, no!

Oh, God, that was horrible! That was so horrible!

When will it be light out?

Okay, you're fine, man. Take it easy.

Hey, did anybody turn off the gas? I didn't do it.

Oh, motherfucker.

Hey, Marty. Yeah.

This is my friend, Alex. She's a pretty incredible person.

Okay. Nice to meet you.

Whoa, dude! Not cool, Martin.

That's... That wasn't...

Hey, are you serious, Howard Hughes?

What happened? Nothing. Nothing happened.

Come on. Where were you?

Look, I forgot you were sleeping over.

I'm sorry, okay?

Yeah, 'cause you're getting high off your huge bong.

How am I supposed to be comfortable with the idea that you can take care of me and the baby if you are always getting high?

You want me to stop smoking pot

'cause there's an earthquake once every 10 years?

That makes no sense, Allison. Look, you're being irrational.

Just relax, okay? We're all scared, you know?

You just...

Oh, shit, the cops.

California, eh?

You know, it's times like this I'm glad I don't own nice things.

It's a big mess, but there's only like

$50 worth of shit here.

And that's kind of the good thing.

You know, my dad told me, 'Don't move to Northridge.'

But you figure, like, what are the chances of that happening twice, you know?

What is this?

It's a ninja weapon.

I hope this place doesn't get condemned.

That would suck.


Hello? Hey, it's me.

You! Hi. So, listen.

Will you do me a big favor?

Debbie wants us to come over and have dinner tonight.

She thinks Pete is cheating on her.

Really? Yeah.

Well, she saw one of his emails and...

Oh, man. There's an address.

That sounds terrible. I don't want to do that.

Ben, Come on.

He's not cheating on her.

How do you know? I just know.

Are you sure? I'm 100% sure he's not cheating.

Are you really?

No.

It actually kind of makes sense that he would cheat.

Why?

'Cause Debbie's a pain in the ass and Pete's awesome.

Why don't you just come over then, and we'll just diffuse the situation a little.

I'm just saying the music industry is different now.

You can't... Steely Dan would never even have a chance.

Well, maybe it's 'cause Steely Dan gargles my balls.

They're incredible. They really aren't good, man.

Old Steely Dan.

If I ever listen to Steely Dan, I want you to slice my head off with an Al Jarreau LP.

Oh, I should get going.

I'm supposed to see this band tonight in Hollywood.

Actually, they're playing in Laurel Canyon, so I'll call you 'cause the reception's terrible over there, so...

Okay.

And I don't want you to worry 'cause I know you worry.

I'm just gonna jump in the shower.

It would be terrible if I smelled worse than the band.

Okay. Have fun.

All right.

You guys are crazy. He's acting totally normal and hilarious.

She doesn't have a gun, does she?

No. I don't think so.

Looks like no one's home.

Why was the door unlocked?

Wait here.

I kind of feel bad for Pete.

What?

This isn't a good way, you know.

If you're gonna get caught cheating, it shouldn't be like this.

Well, maybe he should've thought of that before he was cheating.

Pete! Stop it.

I coughed. What do you want from me?

There's nobody up there.

Thank you.

I guess I was wrong.

I told you.

Can we get out of here, please? Yeah, Come on. Let's go.

Suck it! Did you hear that?

What? I didn't hear anything.

Carlos Delgado. Excellent choice.

Too bad I got him three rounds ago. You're still on the clock.

Oh, shit! You gotta do something.

We need a name.

Hideki Matsui.

You just took my whole outfield. Sorry, Charlie.

What is this?

Debbie.

What the fuck is this?

It's our fantasy baseball draft.

We said no wives.

Your fantasy what?

It's our draft for fantasy baseball.

I told you all about this.

Got Matsui.

Shit!

Hey, Pete, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!

Come on, who's going? Prince, you're on the clock.

I should have told you.

What else have you been lying about? Nothing...

That guy said, 'Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.'

Yeah, I heard him.

That was hilarious.

It's just that I know you've been mad 'cause I've been working so much, and I didn't want to upset you.

I wouldn't be mad. I don't get mad.

It's a fantasy baseball draft. I'm not cheating or anything.

No, this is worse.

How is this worse?

This is you wanting to be with your friends more than your family.

Look, the reason I make that up is because if I told you what I was really doing, you would just get mad.

So you think I'm seeing a band, I do my fantasy draft, and it's win-win.

Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?

I went to the movies.

With who? By myself.

What'd you see?

Spider-Man 3.

Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?

Because I needed to get away, you know.

With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.

I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.

You're not the only one.

It's not that big of a deal.

I like Spider-Man.

Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.

I don't wanna go see it now.

I don't wanna have to ask you to ask me.

I want you to just come up with it on your own.

I don't even know what to say. What do you want me to do?

You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.

I'm not being mean. I'm being honest.

You're telling me I need to be honest.

No, you're not. You're lying.

I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.

You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore, okay?

Come on.

Shit, she's coming back.

How come we go to the gynecologist so often?

I bet we have to go so much so we can pay for that

$300,000 machine he has.

I cannot stop thinking about what an asshole Pete is.

That's a little strong, I would say.

Really?

'Cause that had to be one of the most selfish things I've ever witnessed.

It's understandable, I would say. I even think it's kind of funny.

What's funny about it?

Well, you won't laugh now, I wouldn't imagine, but, you know, the situation.

We break into this stranger's house thinking we're gonna find him sleeping with a woman, and it's a bunch of nerds playing fantasy baseball.

If you saw that, like, on television, you would laugh.

Is that what you think? Is that what you wanna do, Ben?

I don't even like baseball.

I'm just saying, when you're a guy and, you know, you have a family, you have responsibility, you lose that male camaraderie.

And I get that. I totally understand where he's coming from.

Why do guys always go to that place?

'We miss male camaraderie.' Why do I give a shit?

Go hang out with your bearded freak friends. I don't care.

You wanna hang out with guys that look like the shoe bomber, it's all on you, man.

What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?

You should just support me!

You know, you should just support everything I say because at this juncture in my life, I'm allowed to be wrong!

So if you're wrong, I have to support it? Yes!

I can't tell you that you're acting like a lunatic?

No. No? Okay.

That's helpful. You have to do nothing!

I've sacrificed a lot of shit to do this!

You haven't sacrificed anything!

I have.

I've had to sacrifice my job, my body, my youth, my vagina!

You've sacrificed your vagina?

Yes! It will never look the same after this!

Well. Fine. I'm sorry, I'll pay for vaginal reconstructive surgery.

You can't pay for shit! You can barely buy spaghetti!

You're right! Fine! Okay.

You know what? Get out of the car.

You know what? How...

Why don't you not threaten me?

You should just get out of the fucking car.

I'm not gonna get out of the car in the middle of nowhere! No!

Get out of the car! No.

I own this car! Get out of my car! No.

Get out of my car! No.

Get out of my fucking car!

Can you let me back in the car, please?

Have you calmed down? Did you take a breath?

I have no clue where we are!

Fine. Go.

Great.

Okay.

Maybe I should take my shoes off. Or my belt buckle, my belt buckle's huge.

Don't worry about gaining weight.

Your baby wants you to gain a whole mess of weight.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Why don't you take off your earrings, too?

They weigh about 80 pounds.

They're made out of moon rocks, aren't they?

Do not make fun of me. Okay? I am hormonal.

I am terrified, and I am falling apart, so stop treating everything like it's a big joke!

Okay, I'm sorry you're freaking out, but I just walked three fucking miles through Koreatown to get here!

Sorry if I'm trying to lighten the mood a little.

Well, don't, okay?

You can't take anything seriously!

You know, you didn't even read the baby books.

I didn't read the baby book! What's gonna happen?

How did anyone ever give birth without a baby book?

That's right. The ancient Egyptians fucking engraved What to Expect When You're Expecting on the pyramid walls!

I forgot about that!

Who gives a flying fuck about the baby books?

It just shows your lack of commitment, Ben!

That you're not in this with me!

Did you just say 'my lack of commitment'? 'Cause that's what it sounded like.

It almost seems as though you forgot I proposed to you, like an asshole!

And you said no to me!

If you feel that way, you should just go.

Really. Just go.

Because we didn't mean to do this together, okay?

And... And we tried to make it work and that was good, I suppose.

But it doesn't work.

Because we are two completely different people.

And I think it would just be easier for both of us if we stop fooling ourselves.

You know, I know this isn't you talking, it's your hormones, but I would just like to say, fuck you, hormones!

You are a crazy bitch, hormones.

Not Allison! Hormones!

Fuck them! It's a girl! Buy some pink shit!

Nice. You are such an asshole.

You know what? Go fuck your fucking bong, you fuck!

I will fuck my bong. Doggie style, for once.

Are you ready?

I'm really sorry about all that. That was really inappropriate.

Oh, no, that's okay. It happens all the time here.

It's fine.

Oh, good, okay, I don't feel so stupid, then. No, no, not at all.

I totally know what you're talking about, man.

Like, if I wrote out the list of shit Allison doesn't let me do, like, it would be endless. 'Don't smoke pot. Don't have samurai swords in your room.

'Don't have illegal grow operations in the house.'

I mean, like, I could go on all fucking day.

Have I told her to stop doing anything ever? No.

Marriage is like that show, Everybody Loves Raymond, but it's not funny.

All the problems are the same, but it's...

You know, instead of all the funny, pithy dialog, everybody's just really pissed off and tense.

Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond.

But it doesn't last 22 minutes.

It lasts forever.

Let's get out of here, man. Honestly, like, let's just go.

Let's go to Vegas. Let's do it.

Yeah. Why not?

Get up. What?

We're not gonna do this. What?

Seriously.

What are you doing?

We have to go do something and have fun!

I'm just so tired.

I know you're tired.

But we're gonna be untired! We're gonna go live!

I hate you so much sometimes.

We're gonna be positive.

Positive, positive, positive! Up!

How many Red Bulls have you had?

I've had about three Red Bulls in the last 15 minutes.

And I feel fabulous!

We're gonna create a new life and it's gonna be awesome!

Get up! Let's go!

Since when do we lock this fucking thing? Come on!

We can't go, dude. Sorry.

Holy crap! What happened?

We got pink eye.

What, you giving each other butterfly kisses or something?

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. That's not how you get pink eye.

You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.

Hey, Ben. How's it going? Yo.

I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke.

He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pink-eyed my pillow.

I'm not proud of any of this, but I think we've all forgiven each other.

But we can't go anywhere.

You can get pink eye from farting in a pillow?

Totally. Mmm-hmm.

That's awesome!

Yeah, but you got to be bare-assed.

Jesus, Martin got it bad!

What, did someone take a dump right in your eye?

No. No pink eye for me.

I'm just really high.

Well, stay back, guys. I got to get my suit, okay?

Fuck you.

Are you Debbie's husband?

Yeah.

This is fun! This is great.

It's just fun, man. We're gonna have the best time ever.

We make a good team, man. Yeah.

It's like, I can't come here with Debbie.

She wouldn't understand it. She doesn't understand.

She wants to hold me in, and she was telling Allison she could train you.

She thinks she could train me?

Yeah, like you're running the Triple Crown.

She can't train this! I'm like Siegfried and Roy's Bengal.

You think I'm trained. I'll...

I'll bite your fucking face off! That's right.

In front of a crowd, baby.

This is better. Besides, I don't know if I have enough of these babies to go around.

My God! Are these mushrooms?

Uh-huh. I got them from a roadie for the Black Crowes.

I'm eating them.

No, no, no. Save it! I got tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

You do? No, you don't.

I swear to God, man.

Holy shit!

See? I see the beam of light.

There it is, baby! Whoo-hoo!

You're so money that you don't even know how much money you have.

You're money, baby! You're money!

I love Vegas, man.

This is the greatest place on Earth.

It's really amazing here. You got my tie!

This is awesome!

Now, that's how you get pink eye.

Hey, what's up? Baby girl.

Hi.

What's up? End of the line, please.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, Come on.

Look, we're at capacity, okay?

We'll let some people in when it clears out a little.

You'll get right in if you go back to the end of the line.

We come here all the time. It's not a big deal.

It doesn't really look that crowded in there.

Hey, look. I don't make the rules.

Please?

No.

Hey, what's up, shorty? What's up, pretty girls?

See y'all when y'all get out.

Watch yourself.

What was that?

What the fuck was that? It is what it is, sweetie.

Now can you step to the back, please?

You don't need to call me sweetie.

Maybe we should just go.

Maybe you should listen to your friend.

No, you don't need to call me sweetie.

All right, you want to come in, you're gonna have to go to the end of the line and wait like everybody else.

I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line.

Who the fuck are you?

I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls!

What, am I not skanky enough for you?

You want me to hike up my fucking skirt?

What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere!

You're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard!

And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what?

You may have power now, but you're not God!

You're a doorman! Okay?

You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman!

So, fuck you, you fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.

I know.

You're right. I'm so sorry.

I fucking hate this job.

I don't want to be the one to pass judgment and decide who gets in.

This shit makes me sick to my stomach.

I get the runs from the stress.

It's not 'cause you're not hot. I would love to tap that ass.

I would tear that ass up.

I can't let you in 'cause you're old as fuck, for this club, not, you know, for the Earth.

What?

You old. She pregnant.

Can't have a bunch of old, pregnant bitches running around.

That's crazy.

I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that. 5%.

That mean if there's 25 people here, I get to let in one-and-a-quarter black people.

So I got to hope there's a black midget in the crowd.

Now I feel guilty. I'm sorry.

Why y'all wanna be in here anyway?

Y'all need to be at a yoga class or something.

What the fuck is she doing at the club?

That's not even good parenting right there.

Your old ass should know better than that.

Oh, God.

Have the mushrooms kicked in yet?


This was a great idea, man.

This is the best idea I've ever had in my life.

What are they gonna do?

What in the world are they doing?

If I shaved my stomach and my chest, I would look exactly like that.

Those guys are at work right now.

'What'd you do today?' 'I just lifted my brother.'

No. Don't applaud. He'll fall.

I'm freaking out right now, man.

The mushrooms are turning on me.

Papa.

I'm not your papa!

Papa!

I can't deal with this shit, man!

Hold up. Hold up. Ben, wait. Ben, Ben, Ben, wait!

It's over.

What's over?

My youth.

Oh, don't say that.

It's true.

I just wanna dance. I love dancing. So dance.

I can't dance. I'm embarrassed.

I should be embarrassed.

I'm a fucking whale, and I'm trying to get into some stupid club and...

No, you look beautiful.

And you're young and you're tall, and you got the good lips and boobs, and you're young still.

I'm gonna be alone.

Debbie, no, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Oh, God!

Fucking men!

I get worse-looking and he gets better-looking, and it's so fucking unfair.

Oh, fuck.

We should go.

My babysitter always gets mad when we come home past 12:00.

She's such a pissy little high-school cunt.

Let's move, gang! Come on, Come on, Come on!

Jessica, can you get these plates and put them on the table, please?

This isn't funny.

That guy has 12 kids. It's not funny. It's...

Now I get to start all over again!

This is sick. This is a sick movie.

That's a lot of responsibility to be joking about. That's not funny.

I got to turn this off. It's freaking me out.

There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.

Holy fuck. What are they all doing in here?

These are five different types of chairs.

Get them out of here, man. This is too many chairs for one room.

There's a guy that works for this hotel. His whole job is to find chairs.

Look at this one. Look at it.

It's gold and red, and it's kind of shiny.

Shiny thread? Unbelievable.

It is beautiful and it feels amazing.

The tall one's gawking at me and the short one's being very droll.

I don't like them.

Oh, wow.

It's weird that chairs even exist when you're not sitting on them.

I'm up high! I'm really high up.

I should've read the baby books.

Why didn't you read the baby books?

'Cause then it's real, you know?

Dude, it's real whether or not you read those books.

That baby's coming.

Oh, man!

Think they'll take us back?

Yes.

But I don't know why.

Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?

All the time, man. Like every day. I wonder how you like me.

How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me.

The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around.

She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time.

That's our biggest problem. And I can't even accept that?

Like that upsets me?

What?

She's the one. She loves me.

You can't believe people love you?

I love you, man! Debbie loves you!

I don't think I can accept her love.

There's something wrong with me.

You can't accept love?

I don't know what it is.

Love? The most beautiful, shiny, warmy thing in the world?

You can't accept it?

I have to go to this other chair.

Oh, this is a better energy.

You can't accept pure love? You can't accept Debbie?

She's chosen to give you her life.

She's picked you as her life partner!

But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love?

I could accept it, man.

And Debbie's amazing, man.

She's cool and she's funny and she smells good and she's nice and her hair always looks different.

She's too good for you, man.

Tastes like a rainbow.

You're disgusting. You know, you're an urchin.

And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch.

You're a filthy bitch! And I'd bust your balls.

Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Allison doesn't want to do that with me.

And it makes me sad all day.

I want to go home.

I wanna go home, too.

Everything looks beautiful. Thanks.

I went kind of overboard, huh?

No. It's great.

Your daughter only turns eight once.

Is Ben gonna come?

I don't think so. I don't know why he would.

Oh, hey. What up, dawg?

Where have you been?

Around. You know?

Just kind of doing my thing.

Why is everybody so mad at you?

I don't know. Are they mad? What have they been saying?

They've been saying, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, 'Ben's a prick.'

They said that?

A lot.

That sucks.

What does it mean?

Penis. It means penis.

Oh.

Penis.

Babe, we're running low on plates.

Hey, Ben! What's up, man?

What's happening, man?

Hey, Ben. Hey, Debbie.

How are you? Good. How are you?

Hi.

Did you just get pink cupcakes or yellow cupcakes?

I just got yellow cupcakes.

I thought I said get pink cupcakes.

I can run out. I'll get some more. Nah, it's no big deal.

I don't mind. No, it doesn't matter.

You sure? Yeah. You look really cute in that.

All right.

Well, that was fast, you pussy. I'm a...

You're the one that got dressed up like a cholo on Easter to come to this party.

How are things at Butt-Fucking-Ham Palace?

You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother, Gabe Ruth.

Well played, sir. That was good.

You gonna talk to Allison?

Yeah, I was just about to.

Right on.

It's a doll.

Thanks, Ben.

I just don't think we can make it work.

We can get back on track, and everything's gonna be great.

You're just being nice, and I'm being nice, and just because we're two nice people doesn't mean... we should stay together.

I don't want this baby to determine the rest of our lives. You know?

Me not wanting to do this alone isn't enough of a reason to drag you into a relationship with me. It's just not fair.

And don't repeat this, but God, I don't want to end up like Debbie.

But Debbie's happy.

Yeah, she's happy today.

But every day is a constant struggle for them because they're not right for each other.

You know? And they have to force it, and I don't want... us to have to do that.

I don't want to force you to be what I think you should be.

That's wrong of me because you're great.

You really are. You're great the way you are, and...

I mean, you like to get high, and you like to do shrooms in Vegas.

I didn't do shrooms in Vegas. Who am I to stop you?

Who am I to tell you that that's wrong? It's not wrong.

It's who you are.

It's what you enjoy and that's your life and...

I'm not that guy anymore.

I mean, we can be friends.

And you can be there when the baby is born, and in the baby's life as much as you want.

I hope you will be.

I just... I think that if you just...

I don't know. If you give me a shot to just show you that I'm...

Excuse me? Oh, shit.

Can you grab the video camera?

We're gonna sing Happy Birthday now. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I got to go.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

I'll be right back, though, all right?

We'll finish talking. Yeah, yeah. Okay, go.

What happened?

Thanks for warning me, man.

I just walked into a fucking buzz saw. She rejected me.

'Cause you, for some insane reason, told Debbie that I did mushrooms with you in Vegas!

She gets mad 'cause I smoke pot!

Now I'm upping it to fucking psychedelics! Thanks!

Really? I thought she'd take you back.

You know why she just rejected me?

'Cause you're such a shitty husband, she thinks I'm gonna turn into a shitty husband.

Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Jessica! Right here! Can we get a photo?

When are you due? I got two months.

Really? Yeah.

Wow, you're so big already. Yeah.

When is that baby popping out? I got two months to go.

Really? Are you dilated yet? I can tell.

Wow, wow!

You look fantastic. You look... Are you gonna, like, give birth right now?

Wow, you're about to drop any second.

You know what? I love your broach.

You don't need to lie to me. I don't appreciate it.

I know I look like a fat cow.

And I'm sweating profusely. I know that. No, no.

No, you don't look like a fat cow at all. You look great.

So, I have to get going in. They're calling me.

Steve, hey. Help me out. Give me an interview, please.

Well, I just need to run in.

You know what? Just say into the camera, 'You're watching E! Entertainment.'

Congratulations. Just give me that.

No, Steve, don't be an asshole! Come on.

I'm not being an asshole.

Wow, you managed to turn Steve Carell into an asshole.

No easy feat. Shut up, Brent.

You screwed me, Dad, okay?

You said everything was gonna be fine and nothing is fine.

Nothing is fine.

Ben, I've been divorced three times. Why would you listen to me?

Because you were the only one giving me advice!

And it was terrible advice!

You can go around blaming everyone else, but in the end, until you take responsibility for yourself, none of this is gonna work out.

I don't know how to take responsibility for myself, okay?

I didn't read the baby books! You didn't read the books?

I just smoke less pot. I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot!

What... Tell me what to do!

I don't know. I don't know.

Ben, I love you. What can I tell you?

Just tell me what to do.

Stone, you settling in okay?

Best job I ever had. Like to hear it.


Allison, thank you for coming in.

I don't want to shock you but we know what's under that jacket.

You're pregnant, have been for a while.

From my count, you're right around eight months.

And I don't know why you felt you couldn't tell us.

I'm really sorry.

This is Hollywood. We don't like liars.

I just... I wasn't expecting this and...

I didn't know how to handle it, and I didn't want to lose my job.

I'm really sorry. It's unfortunate.

It's unfortunate you didn't tell us because you would've found out that we thought it's great.

Really? Yeah.

So we did some research.

And turns out, people like pregnant.

Oh, my God!

The bigger you are, the bigger your numbers.

I was surprised 'cause I feel the opposite.

We're gonna do a whole maternity month on E! Mommy.

You're gonna interview all the pregnant celebs.

Really? Yes.

Scary!

You're pregnant, they're pregnant, you can talk about being pregnant.

It just grosses me out when I know that people are pregnant.

'Cause I think about the birth. Everything's so wet.

And everything that goes into it. None of the gross stuff.

But you know, hopes, dreams, whatever, it's gonna be great.

Oh, my God. This is such good news.

Thank you so much. Yeah, you're welcome.

And then, after the baby is out...

Tight. -...tighten it back up.

And please don't lie to us again. Okay.

'Cause maybe someday we could be friends.

Okay. I won't. I'm sorry.

I just don't like secrets. Okay.

You know, it's a rare thing that you live to see the day your wildest dreams come true.

I mean, what is there left to want? I get to go to Legoland.

Shut up, Pete. Say it!

Legoland! Legoland!

Legoland!

Don't get them all riled up before the drive.

I shouldn't have given them all that meth, then.

We'll be back on Sunday.

Or Saturday. You never know. We might see it all in one day.

Sunday. Let's go.

Guess what? I'm scared there's no one to trust.

You can trust me.

You are gonna fuck me over, aren't you?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

You are.

Are you retarded? Or just brain-dead from whiffing fumes out there in the swamp?

Ow, ow, ow. - That's what I am to you, isn't it? Swamp trash, just like my mom.

Hello?

Hey, what's up, Daddy? What are you doing?

Just smoking a joint, drinking some beers, you know. Rocking.

We're about to go to a new club. You coming?

No. I'm gonna pack it in soon, I think.

What's he doing?

He says he's gonna call it a night.

Dude, it's like 8:15, man.

Yeah, I know. I'm just tired.

Is he depressed? You depressed?

No, I feel great. I like it.

He says no.

Ask him if he's gonna kill himself.

You gonna kill yourself?

No, I'm not. Okay? Thank you.

Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck.

It's dangerous.

You shouldn't jerk off with a noose around your neck...

'cause it's dangerous.

Okay. Very good.

And tell him if he has to, tell him he needs a teammate or a spotter there.

Right. And if you do, you should have a teammate or a spotter there.

Great.

He says your mom's already there.

Uncool, man.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Hi, Dr. Howard?

No, this is Dr. Angelo.

How can I help you?

I'm a patient of Dr. Howard's, and I'm going into labor and I need to speak with him.

I actually don't know where he is tonight.

But I've made myself available to his patients, and I'd be happy to help you.

Can you help me find him? Can you give me his number?

Oh, no. You know what? Actually, I'm under strict instructions not to give out his number, but I can help you through this.

No, no. No, no, no.

I want to speak to my own doctor. You really won't give me his number?

Because this is my first baby, and he promised that he would be here for me and I need you to give me... Give me his number, okay?

Dr. Howard's not available tonight.

But everything's gonna be okay, I assure you.

No, I don't want you to help me because I have no idea who you are!

I want my own goddamn doctor! You make sure he calls me!

Oh, shit. Okay.

Oh, shit!

Hello?

Ben, it's me. Can you come? 'Cause the baby's coming.

Can you come?

Oh, God. Allison. I'm so happy you're calling.

I have so many thing's I've been wanting to say to you.

I wanna apologize for things. It's all I can think about.

No, listen. Wait. Listen.

I need you to come help me, okay? Because the baby's coming.

So can you come help me?

Wait. The baby's coming right now? Yes. Right now.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is it happening? It's happening now? Push. Push...

Breathe like this... No, no, no, no.

You need to come now because the contractions are happening, and they really hurt and the doctor isn't here, and I can't get hold of him.

And he said he was gonna be here, right? You were there... when he said that.

Okay, okay, I'll come right now.

Nobody's here. I'm coming right now.

...not anywhere, I can't reach them, please.

Please, please hurry. I'll just... So should I...

I'll meet you at the hospital, okay?

No! Don't meet me at the hospital! No, no, I need you... to drive me. I can't drive.

I can't drive like this. No? You can't drive? Okay.

I'll get gas and then I'll pick you up.

You have to get gas? I need to just get cash.

No. Don't get cash. Just come.

I need to get cash because my car's on empty, I won't... even make it there.

No, just come right now. I'm not fucking around, okay?

This is serious and I'm alone.

It's the last thing you need to do is... Just get here!

Look, if you keep yelling at me, I'm never gonna get there.

You just need to calm down for two... Okay.

Don't run out of gas. Don't run out of gas. Come on!

Hello?

Please be in there. Hello? Hello? Hello?

Allison?

Hello?

Ben? Allison.

What is this, like a water birth?

What are we doing? Should we go? Should I... I have the...

Shh.

Just relax, okay? Just be mellow, 'cause that's what this is all about.

Because if it gets too stressful in here, then the baby is born into a stressful environment, and then he's wired for stress for the rest of his life. So just...

Just be calm.

Okay.

Okay, let's relax. Okay.

Do you want to talk about things?

I feel really bad about, like, a lot of the shit I did.

I can't believe I said some of that.

That's all I think about in my head.

I don't wanna talk about it.

But maybe we could bring the baby into a reconciled... place so we can talk...

No. I don't wanna go there.

Don't go there. Okay? Help me stay relaxed.

So, what should I do?

You need to call Dr. Howard.

Hello?

Hello, yes, this is Ben Stone. I'm calling on behalf of Allison Scott.

We need Dr. Howard. It's an emergency.

Yeah. He's at San Francisco at bar mitzvah.

He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco? Do you know when he gets back?

In three days.

Do you have his cell number, by any chance?

Hey! Good news.

I got his number right here. I'm gonna call him right now.

Oh, great. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you.

I'm glad I'm here, too. Thank you.

I shouldn't have told you you were a fucking lunatic.

I shouldn't have said that. I feel terrible about it and...

No, it's okay. We're past it. We're past it.

I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.

It's okay. I didn't.

Let's just drop it now. We're over it.

I'm gonna call him right now. You're doing so great.

Hello, it's Dr. Howard. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message.

Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling.

Guess what the fuck's up?

Allison's going into labor and you are not fucking here.

Now, where are you? You're at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco, you motherfucking piece of shit!

And you know what I'm gonna have to do now?

I'm gonna have to kill you.

I'm gonna have to pop a fucking cap in your ass.

You're dead! You're Tupac!

You are fucking Biggie, you piece of shit!

I hope you fucking die or drop the fucking chair and kill that fucking kid!

Hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!

Hey. Hey.

Did you talk to him?

I didn't talk to him directly. I left him a very nice message, though.

And... Okay.

What I'm about to tell you isn't that bad.

You should know that going in.

We can get through this, and it's just a little hiccough, but everything will be fine. Okay?

Do you trust me when I say everything will be fine?

I can deal with it. Okay.

So, Dr. Howard is at a bar mitzvah.

A bar mitzvah?

It's a Jewish rite of passage.

And he's gonna be there for the next three days, so he will not be able to be here tonight.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

What do you think we should do?

Okay. I know exactly what to do.

All we do is we'll get in the car, I'll drive to the hospital, and on the way, we will call every gynecologist we've met.

Someone will be available. You know?

Okay. I can do that. Okay. Good.

I mean, we still have time. I mean, how far apart are your contractions?

I think, like, seven minutes. Seven minutes!

See? Not until four minutes is it really coming.

And has your water broken, even?

I don't know. I'm in the tub.

That's a good point. Have you had your bloody show?

What? What's that?

It's, it's... I mean, it's a bloody mucusy discharge.

But it only comes out right before the baby's gonna come, so if that hasn't happened, we have time.

We can make it to the hospital. It's no problem.

You read the baby books.

Yeah. I did. I read three of them, actually.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey. Hey, you okay?

Okay.

Wait. Are we allowed to park here?

It's okay. I stole this from Martin's grandma.

Oh, that was really sweet of you. Thanks.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Okay. Inches away.

Okay. We're close.

Home stretch. Hello. This is Allison Scott.

Dr. Kuni said he would let you know we were coming?

Oh, he did. We'll take good care of you. Okay.

Samuel? Yeah?

This is Allison Scott. Please admit her into Room 307.

Hi.

Hey.

You're our nurse?

That's why I'm holding the clipboard.

So, what else is up with you guys?

I'm just joking. Let's have a baby, huh?

Yeah.

Jeez, I'm sorry it took me so long to find that vein.

That little guy really didn't want me to find him.

Is that the baby on that one right there?

Yeah.

So we can tell how the little guy or gal is doing.

Okay.

Hello, Allison. Ben. Interesting night.

We really, really appreciate you coming, man.

What else do I have to do, I mean, besides sleep? Totally kidding.

What happened to your doctor?

He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco.

He didn't tell us, though.

Nice. Yeah.

Lucky for you, I don't have any Jewish friends.

Dr. Kuni, I really wanna do this naturally. I don't wanna use drugs.

Okay, let's just take a look and see what happens, okay?

Foetal heart rate is good. Samuel, where are we?

Four centimeters. Four centimeters what?

Dilated? Dilated. That's right. Focus.

Pay attention, okay? We're a team. Okay?

I wanna get the fuck out of here.

What?

I just wanna get the fuck out of here.

Okay. Just relax, man, just relax.

Oh, man, I don't fucking like hospitals.

I know, but, Jonah, this is beautiful.

I just think you need to relax and embrace the beauty of... another life joining our gang.

We're having a baby. We are having a baby.

I'm not having shit besides a fucking panic attack.

There's probably a fucking room back there full of dead bodies!

You guys wanna be here when one rolls out and just fucking coughs malaria into our face?

Jesus. Fucking shit.

Is that good? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, get in there.

I could do this all day.

Cool.

What was that? What the hell was that?

What's happening?

Well, boys and girls, what seems to be the problem?

Decels. Oh, dear.

Okay, Allison, I need you to turn on your back now, okay?

The baby's heart rate is slowing. Okay?

It's gonna be okay. Okay.

It's gonna be fine.'Is it gonna be fine? It's gonna be fine. Okay?

You'll feel a little bit of a push. You'll feel a little bit of...

Oh. What are you doing?

I'm turning the baby so I can take the pressure off the cord. Okay?

Oh, my God.

Okay, we're good.

The heartbeat's stronger, but we're not out of the woods.

We need to get things going now.

I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.

So I'm gonna give you some medicine, pop the bag and get things going, okay?

I don't wanna leave the baby in there for long, and we can give you some medicine for the pain.

No, no, no, no.

I don't... I don't want the baby to be born all drugged out.

It's not my birth plan.

Now, things change. We don't have time to debate this.

What? No. But no, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not.

No. Would you please just listen to her?

Fine. Do what you want to do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Should I leave?

Do you want to be the doctor? Because I really don't need to be here.

No. What we want is to take a second to talk about our options, okay?

That's all we want. No. You mean you want to take a second to tell me how to do my job.

My job is to get that baby out safely.

Or I can go home. Just let me know. You be the doctor.

Can we talk outside in the hall for a second?

That woman is a control freak, and she needs to let go and let me do my job.

Look, she's just having a hard time because her and our doctor had a very specific birth plan.

And they wanted it to be a very special experience.

If you want a special experience, go to a Jimmy Buffett concert.

We have a new birth plan. Get the baby out safely.

Look, man, will you help us out? I have no idea what I'm doing.

You can be as big a dick to me as you want. Just be nice to her, man.

That's all I ask. Just please be nice to her.

Are you okay?

I think so.

I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.

Thank you, man. Thanks.

This is healthy. This is good. I think we're bonding.

Allison, I apologize for being a little brash, but if you're okay with it, it's rather important we break the bag and give you some medicine to speed things up.

Because once the bag is broken, I don't want there to be an infection.

Whatever. Do what you have to do.

Oh, my God. What a nightmare that guy is.

I know, I know. Look, I talked to him.

I think he'll be more cool now.

I'm so sorry I broke up with you.

You really don't need to be.

And, you know, I knew you'd give me another shot.

I figured it'd be a lot sooner than this, you know?

I was just in such a panic from all of this.

And watching Debbie and Pete together, it's...

And my ass got so fat. No, no.

It did.

I just never, for one minute, thought that the guy who got me pregnant would actually be the right guy for me.

Me, either. I guess he is.

Yeah.

All right, Martin, who am I?

'People think I'm smart because I speak in a robot voice.'

Stephen Hawking.

'I fuck my nurse with my ever-expanding cock.'

All right. Let's murderball.

Come here! I'm gonna murderball you!

Stay down! Jonah, you shithead!

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

I can't believe I go out of town and this happens.

I know. I'm sorry, but I'm not going anywhere.

Screw Legoland. All right.

Hey, how do you want this? You want this over the shoulder?

You know, I can do whatever you want. I can get in there.

Kind of Spike Lee angles.

No, you can shoot the waiting room. That would be great.

Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. I've got it from here.

Debbie.

Can I talk to you in the hall for a second?

Why?

I'd like to be in there with Allison, without you.

Okay.

I understand how you feel but this isn't up to you.

Look, Debbie, you are high off your ass if you think... you're coming into that room.

If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies. Okay?

So don't even try to come into that room. That's my room now.

That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area.

My room. Your area. Stay in your area. Stay out of my room.

Back the fuck off.

What are you doing here?

He just kicked me out. He told me to leave.

Oh.

But I guess it's good, right?

He said he's gonna take care of her.

He really seems on his game.

I think he's gonna be a good dad.

I think I like him.

Thank God.

I wish I'd gotten that on tape.

Go! Holy shit, almighty!

Oh, shit, this really hurts!

I see we're well on our way. Okay.

I want the... I want the epidural. Okay?

Give me the epidural! Give her the epidural, okay?

Give it to her now. Okay, Allison.

We're past the point of an epidural. Okay? The cervix is fully dilated.

No, seriously, I want an epidural!

I know there's time!

We can't give you the epidural. Take the time! I...

I'll make sure it doesn't come out! I'll stop pushing.

We have time. Just do it, please!

I'll stop. Please, please, please!

I'm sorry. We have no time.

We're gonna just have to do this the all-natural way, okay?

The way you wanted to do it.

Okay? Ready? Okay.

Here comes another contraction, okay? I want you to push. Okay, ready?

Good, good, good. I feel everything!

Oh, my God! It's happening!

Okay, maybe we can take it down just a little.

I think you're gonna scare the other pregnant women.

Are you fucking kidding me? Okay.

Are you kidding me?

Jesus.

This is messed up. Something's wrong in there.

Yeah. Oh, no, no.

I mean, granted, gynecology's only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning. Is that right, Deb?

Yeah. That's what it sounds like for everyone.

Everyone goes through this.

No, I disagree with you. That sounds terrible.

I'm gonna go sneak a peak, see if there's anything I can do.

Okay! It's crowning! I'm seeing the head!

Oh, God.

What does it look like, Ben? Oh, God.

What? You don't wanna see it.

No, I wanna see it! It's beautiful. You don't want to, though.

No, I want to see it! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Okay, we're almost home! One, two...

You okay in here? Jesus!

Get out! Yeah, okay.

Oh, no!

You all right, buddy?

It's okay.

What did it look like?

I shouldn't have gone in there.

Don't go in there. Promise me you don't go in there.

Me, go in there? That's the last fucking place I wanna go.

Like I'm gonna go in there.

Try getting a boner now.

What's up, Deb?

Hey.

Push. One, two, three. Oh, God!

You've passed the shoulders. One more big push.

Good.

I did it.

Okay. Oh, my God. It's out. You did it. You did it.

Oh, my God, you did it. Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I love you, Ben. I love you so much, too.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations, you two. Beautiful. Thank you.

You did so great. You were amazing. Thank you.

Okay, pretty baby.

You got out.

You made it out. Welcome.

You ever get so bored you just stare at your balls?

I bet you do, late John Lennon.

Here we are again.

Who is that? Is that Ben's rabbi?

Is he the one who cuts the penis?

I think it's Matisyahu.

Awesome.

You want out of the bet? I want out of the bet.

You know what you have to say. Just say it, man. I think now is the time.

Jason, you're the master.

You heard it, right? Yeah.

All right. You're out of the bet. Yeah, now you're done.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, God.

Your face smells like an old man's balls.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, fucking hell.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hello.

Oh, my goodness.

She's beautiful.

Hello.

Oh. I love you, Ben. I love you, Debbie.

We're gonna have another baby. Okay.

Hello, baby.

Gentlemen, it's a girl!

We got a daughter! Mazel tov!

Congratulations, Daddy! We got a beautiful little girl!

Let's meet her! She's awesome! A beautiful little girl!

And then your mommy said, 'Just do it, already,' which was very confusing to Daddy.

So I listened to the most literal translation of that... and I just did it, already.

What would you do?

Don't tell Mommy, but it was the smartest thing I ever did, listening to her, 'cause now you're here.

Isn't that nice? I think it is.

Hi, you.

I hope your apartment is big enough for the three of us.

Oh, it definitely is.

That's why I got one in East LA, the rent. It's huge!

The only thing is we have to decide if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.

Well, I look good in red. I look good in blue.

The fighting continues.

We could just throw off everyone and become Latin Kings.

Yeah.

We both look good in gold.

Yeah.

Good choice.

I would yell at you about driving so slow, except the baby's here.

No, these guys can honk all they want. I ain't going faster than 12.

It might take us around three hours to get home, though.