Knucklehead (2010) Script

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Knucklehead [2010] 720p.BluRay.x264-aAF


I'm sorry.

Todd, you realize you can't win a Tony AWard for this performance.

You're just jealous that I got Dorothy.

Is it that obvious?

Who do you think all those parents want in their family portrait...

...the next American idol or a fat schlub like you?

You're right, Todd. If only my voice was three octaves higher...

...I looked as good as you in a dress, maybe, just maybe I'll get adopted.

Listen. You better bring your A-game tonight...

...because I am not going down in flames because of you.

Places. Get in front of curtain, please.

So are you excited?

I can barely contain myself.

Oh, come on, Henry.

There's a lot of great families out there tonight.

You know, it wouldn't hurt you to try just little bit harder.

Crawling around on my hands and knees...

...and barking like a dog isn't trying hard enough?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I am Sister Francesca.

I'd like to welcome you all, on behalf of everyone...

...to the St. Thomas school for boys.

So without further ado, we'd like to present to you The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I just remembered.

There's been a slight change from your programs...

...due to a near paralyzing, vomit-inducing case of stage fright...

...so the role of the Good Witch of the North...

...is now being played by Walter Krunk.

Please, just...

...bear with us.

On with the show.

Oh, dear, Toto, where are we?

Oh, dear me, Toto, what have we done?

She killed the witch.

The wicked old witch.

I most certainly did not. Tell them, Toto.

Tell them again, Toto, like you mean it this time.

Look, up in the sky, it's-- It's--

A giant cloud?

It's a blimp?

No. It's the Good Witch of the North.

Over here, Good Witch of the North. Over here.

Under the house.

Hello.

-You okay? -This thing's cutting off the circulation.

Get out of the way.

Todd, watch out.


That's it. The eye of the tiger, baby, eye of the tiger. Yeah?

Now hands up. Hands up, that's it.

Protect the face.

I don't know how you did it, but you found a killer.

I camped outside the state pen for weeks till this gem appeared.

-Yeah? What was he in for? -Parking tickets.

Lots of parking tickets, all right?

Look, the pro-am championship's around the corner and no one can touch him.

Once I score that 100 grand...

...I will finally be able to stop hustling in dumps like this.

Oh, yeah? Well, son, do not bite the hand that feeds.

Sorry, Pop. Yeah, it's a great gym. Sorry.

All right, hands up.

Well, that's a mighty impressive bare-knuckle beast you got there, Eddie.

Don't worry about Earl, all right?

He's just feeling a little insecure now that he's had a good look at you.

Well, actually, Eddie, I feel more concerned for you.

Now, look, you're already into me for 25 grand, right?

Do you really think double or nothing is a wise move?

My guy's a lock, Earl.

Yeah. In fact, I think you' re afraid that my bare-knuckle beast...

...is gonna destroy your guy today and at the championships in New Orleans.

You know, you're absolutely right. Look at me, I'm scared to death.

I'm shaking in my very expensive shoes.

Redrum.

All right, don't look at him.

Okay, so he's got a little height and weight advantage on you.

That's okay. That's okay. Just use your speed.

Stay outside on him, all right?

Watch him. If he gets you in a clinch, bring your knees up into his rib cage.

All right, Pop.

I don't understand how you could be upset with Walter.

I mean, especially with all that he does around here.

I mean, his chores alone equals six handymen.

And he stepped up and played the Good Witch when nobody else would.

Yes, and that went so well, didn't it?

It's not so much that he ruined the show yesterday, it's....

It's just that....

Well, Walter is--

He's a good role model for the boys, Sister.

A good role model?

Mary, he is a 35-year-old man...

...who has never experienced life outside of this orphanage.

Sometimes I think allowing him to stay here all these years was a big mistake.

I should have forced him out into the real world...

...and made him make it on his own.

I don't have the money exactly right now, Earl, okay? So....

The championship's in New Prleans--

-You got till I get back from New Prleans. -I appreciate it.

If you don't have it, I'm gonna give you a little taste of what's in store for you.

Redrum.

Redrum?

-You want me to hit him? -That would be effective at this moment.

But when you think about it, Earl, if the ultimate goal is to get your money back...

-...hitting him would hinder your chances. -He makes a valid point.

-This is a very valid point. -Hey, hey, hey.

This isn't open to discussion. Hit the guy.

Thank you.

Clock is ticking, Eddie boy.

Eddie...

...you're my son and I don't wanna see you hurt.

I believe we passed that point, Pop.

Yeah, so I'm gonna give you some advice that I have never given anybody.

But in light of the current situation, I see no other alternative.

I'm all ears.

Pray.

I just don't wanna get stuck here.

What do you mean? It's not so bad.

I mean, look at me. I never got adopted. Turned out okay.

No offense, Walter, but that's kind of what I'm talking about here.

You got a lot better off than I did when I was your age, bud.

You try being 6'7", 290 pounds at 13.

It's not exactly cuddling material, you know?

Yeah, I guess.

I just want a chance to be part of a family.

You are part of a family, think about it.

Oh, my God, Walter.

Okay, do me a favor, would you?

Keep an eye on this. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

-Light a match. -See you when I get back.

Oh, Walter.

-What--? -This is the line?

Oh, wait, you--

-I just-- -Oh, good morning.

-Do you smell something? -Yeah, your--

No, something else.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

-Henry! -Hold on, I'm in the zone.

Henry!

Oh, no.

-Fire! -What? Fire?

Oh, Henry, quick.

Okay. Did anything happen?

That's grease!

Oh, my God. Quick.

See, we just didn't have enough money to pay all our bills this month...

...so, you know, our property insurance was one of those...

...and, you know, it's just-- It was one of those things.

-lt was a gamble. -Do you think?

Okay, just let us know when we have to have this thing done.

Yesterday, because I'm shutting you down today.

-What? -You-- There are at 30 city ordinances...

...which make it illegal to operate a children's home without a working kitchen.

We don't need a kitchen. I mean, you know? We could order takeout.

-The kids would love that, right? -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Look, I'm sorry.

There's really nothing I can do.

If you have a problem with this, you can take it up with my boss.

You know who my boss is, don't you?

I don't think you wanna mess with him.

Excuse me, Mum.

I understand you have a job to do...

...but this has been the first and only real home I've ever had in my life.

Please, sir, just give us one more chance.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you 10 days to start reconstruction.

If you haven't started by then, they're all going to be assigned to foster homes.

-Oh, my God. Thank you so much. -Yes, thank you kindly, Mum.

And, kid, that is the worst accent I have ever heard in my entire life.

-Gotcha. -That is great. Good job. Good job.

Big place. Nice.

This is-- No.

I can do this.


What's up, big guy?

So, you know, long-time listener, first-time caller.

Okay, so, you know, huge fan.

Love your work.

You know, all the planets and trees, clouds, stars.

Great stuff.

Doughnut holes.

You probably also know...

...that it's been a long time since I caught a break.

A really long time.

And....

Look, I know I've done some questionable things in the past, yeah...

...and I don't deserve it...

...but I was just wondering if you could do me a solid right now.

We are royally screwed.

And by royally, I mean full-on Buckingham Palace, tea and crumpets...

...bad skin and crooked teeth screwed.

I'll do anything I can to make this right, Sister.

How? How, Walter?

What? With a bake sale? A car wash?

You think you can raise 25 grand in one week? What is wrong with you?

I'm a knucklehead.

Like a little lightning or something.

A big boom.

Now you know how those boys are going to feel...

...when they are dragged out of here and sent back into the system next week.

I'll think of something.

Well, I tried.

-You damn well better. -Walter, watch out.

Now that's a solid.

Hello there. I'm Eddie Sullivan.

If you're looking to be a three-time champion in any form of fighting...

...or you're just looking to get yourself in fighting shape-- Just kidding.

--then I'm your guy.

If you're looking for someone to give you that extra push...

... then look no further.

Come on, my friend. Come on. All you gotta do is want it more than he does.

Do you want it?

Yes! Attababy, fat boy.

If you're serious about becoming a champion, or looking like one...

...then Eddie Sullivan's the trainer for you.

The best. Think about it.

So? All right, what do you think?

I think you're an idiot, Mr. Sullivan.

Okay, you know, that's a little harsh, wouldn't you say, Sister?

All right. Why don't we start over? Call me Eddie.

See, the thing is, Eddie, that Walter here, he just isn't really a fighter.

More of a gentle giant, really.

Not a problemo. Look, I will take you on the road...

...and by the time we hit New Orleans, you will be a ruthless killer.

That's not me. No.

See...

...I think you're just gonna have to find someone else to do your dirty work.

And what exactly is in this for you, Mr. Sullivan?

What's in it for me?

What's--? What's in it for me?

The satisfaction of helping others in need.

And half the purse.

Would you mind if we have a few minutes alone, please?

Oh, Sister Francesca, of course I can.

Yeah, take all the time you need.

Take a minute, take two.

-Watch the furniture. -Thanks.

-Out that door. -Oh, right, yeah.

I'm just gonna grab my computer. Lot of nuns around, you never know.

-That'll do. -Okay.

You are not seriously considering this, are you, Sister?

I don't like this guy any more than you do, Mary, but he's right.

-We are out of options. -Sister Francesca--

-Let me ask you something. -Yes, ma'am.

What would Jesus do?

Decline graciously.

He sacrificed his life for us. Are you willing to do the same?

-No, not really. -Get over there. All right.

Look out there. Just look at those boys.

You should know what it's like to be a ward of the state...

...being bounced around from one foster home to the next.

Are you prepared to watch those boys go down that road, Walter?

-No. -Good man.

How do we know this schmuck won't run off with all the money?

We don't. That's why you're going too.

-What? -Let's face it, Mary.

You're the one with the most life experience around here.

I can only hope that it's the Lord's hand that's guiding me now.

Don't make me look like an idiot.

Congratulations, Mr. Sullivan.

-We have a deal. -Great.

But mark my words.

Hell hath no fury like a nun scorned.

Okay, got it.

-Think about it. -Think about it.

Watch out for road rage.

-Bye. Mary? -Yeah?

-Call me, okay? -Okay, I will.

-It's gonna be fine. We got it. -Walter, put that seat belt on.

All right, let's go.

-Bye! -Bye!

All right, you got the rear naked choke.

Put his neck right in your elbow.

Lock at the other elbow, push his head forward.

You squeeze this just right and it is lights out.

All right, you wanna connect with blows here, here, and here.

-That really hurts. -Yeah, that's the point.

-I don't know about this. -Oh, relax.

I've trained dozens of fighters. His size alone will carry him most of the way.

All right, now, make a face, big boy.

Hi.

Okay, all right.

We'll work on it.

You wanna tell us where we're going?

Please, you can call me Eddie.

I've mapped out every amateur, pro-am, and semi-official fighting event...

...from here to New Orleans.

We'll tape each fight, upload highlights to create lnternet buzz.

Crowd support is a huge part of the game.

Now, Walter's first match is today in Jefferson City.

Today?

Yeah, today. Provided he doesn't knock himself out before we get there.

That's a mean face.

That's good.

Okay, fellas, come on, get out.

My old pal Vic. You look great.

No, I don't.

-What do you want? -I was looking for that son of yours.

I was hoping to give him a little bit more encouragement about paying off his debts.

Oh, yeah? Well...

...I'd love to help you there, Earl, but he ain't here.

-Oh, yeah? Where is he, in the back? -No. He's--

Well, he's on his way to New Orleans.

What the hell for? We crushed his only fighter.

Yeah, I know, but he's got a new guy. Best one I've ever seen.

And he's a lot bigger and he's a lot badder...

...than this particular dirtbag you got over here.

Really? Well, I'd love to meet him.

Yeah, well, you're not his type.

Well, let me guess, now.

I would bet that they'll be working their way on the amateur circuit...

...on their way to New Orleans.

But since I hate guessing, why don't you just tell me where they are?

Not a chance in hell, Earl.

Temple Beth lsrael?

-Here. -Okay.

On your head.

Well, I got you for 7-to-5 and you're down for a deuce.

No, 7-to-5, not 6. You want 6-to-5, call Goldsmith.

Ready when you are, Padre.

Yeah. No, it's Rabbi, you putz, and you're late.

I got a packed house, they're in a foul mood. Where is he?

Look up.

Oy gevalt.

Yeah, listen, you change down there. I just gotta make a quick call...

...and lay off a couple of bets. You're fantastic.

-All right, come on. -Listen, it's me. No, the other me.

-Good luck, Walter. -Bye, Mary.

Let's go, Walter. Come on. Go get yourself a good seat. Go, go, go,

This is barbaric.

And there's no women in there.

-Of course not. -Well, hey.

Walter--

Oh, my God.

-Walt, what the hell is this? -You said put on my shorts.

There's something you don't see every day.

Yeah, shorts. Like swimming trunks, workout shorts. Not globe-huggers.

-This is all I got. -We're gonna have to work with it.

Walter, Walter, you know what, you really don't have to do this.

Yes, I do. I mean, those kids are counting on me.

We gonna argue about underpants or we gonna fight?

Let's go. Let me see something. Right, you're good.

-What are you looking at? -What is this? I don't think so.

Higher. A little higher. Put your hands up.

Higher, higher, higher.

All right, good, go back to the corner. Go on.

All right, two feet up. Two feet up.

Okay, we have in this corner...

...the Monster of Matzah, the Kosher Killer, the Spartan of Schpielkiss...

...I give you Sugar Ray Rosenberg!

Hold on. Hold on.

And now we have the challenger in this corner.

Measuring a monolithic 7 feet tall...

...and tipping the scales...

...at no less than a very unsvelte 445 pounds.

I give you the Pantaloonatic.

Yes. That's right.

Shut up. Oh, shut up. Shut up.

-Nice head ring. You look great. -Come here.

All right, listen, guys.

There are no rules except no hitting below the belt.

Nothing below the kishkis, you understand?

And behind the neck, that's not good either. Those are the rules.

Shake hands and when the bell rings, give me a fight.

Relax.

Eddie, are you sure about this? He seems like a nice guy and all. I mean--

That guy hates Christmas.

-How can anybody hate Christmas? -He does.

-Walter, move around. -Eddie.

-Lift your head. -What's he doing?

Move your arms, wave. Something.

-This is something. -Eddie.

Pick your head up.

Come on, fight. Do something.

Move around. Move it.

-lt hurts, Eddie. -Move your hands.

Look, he's getting tired.

Do something, pal.

Hit somebody. Hit anybody.

Hey, stay there, Walter.

I thought he said no hitting below the belt.

Stand up.

-Yeah, baby. -What? You mean he won?

Walter won.

-Yes. -We won! We won!

We have a winner.

Use your arms. Fight!

Look, all things considered, I think it went pretty well.

-Really? -Close that door.

Sorry.

I mean, look, you know, you could use a little polishing.

Well, a lot. A lot of polishing.

But, you know, at the end of the day, you won the fight.

It's hot in here. Come on.

Not to mention that that's gotta be the first time in MMA history...

...a fight ended that way, by smothering.

That's gotta be worth at least a million hits on YouTube.

We have to make sure that they never get to New Orleans.

Yeah? Well, how do you suppose we do that?

I have absolutely no idea at all.

I'm making all of this crap up as I go along.

Kind of like improvisation?

Well, first thing we do is have a little chat with my old pal Eddie.

-How's your head, man? -My head's okay. It's--

It's better than the rest of my body, though.

Oh, like my back.

Like the back of my legs.

It's riding that doggone bus.

Time for bed.

Oh, that is wrong. It's wrong.

Are you--?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Oh, it works.

Well, I was just, you know, heading off to bed.

Thought maybe you guys would wanna head off to bed...

...but like on separate side of the bed.

-You know.... -That would be a good thing.

I wanted to talk to you if I could.

Alone and in private.

-Okay. Good night. -No offense, Eddie. Thanks.

Well, hello there, Eddie.

Hello there, Earl.

Well, okay, Eddie boy. I would like to strongly suggest...

...that you go nowhere near the city of New Orleans.

Mary, I know you haven't really liked exactly how things are going.

And I can't say that I'm having fun either.

Bit of an understatement. I mean, this whole thing has been terrible.

Terrible idea. Really. I don't know what Sister Francesca was thinking.

-Just let me-- -I owe her my life but--

Just let me--

Look at this from my eyes, okay?

Okay. I'm sorry. What?

I'm out on the road for the first time in my life.

I'm doing something important.

To me, I have a chance to make some things right.

First of all, Walter...

...this wasn't all your fault.

Mary, come on.

Everything's my fault, in one way or another.

But this, this gave me a chance to be something that I've never been.

Probably never will be.

But it's a chance.

For what?

To be the hero.

I mean, not even in the same zip code as the good old Crescent City.

You know, Eddie boy, there are so many different ways that I could hurt you...

...that I'm just now actually starting to warm up.

Now, that's improvisation.

All right, very important issue. What image do we wanna project in the ring?

I think the underpants thing is humiliating.

Oh, finally, something we agree on.

When we hit the next town, we'll gear up with some real shorts.

-The engine's smoking. -Something to put fear in them.

The engine is smoking.

What do you mean the engine's smoking?

Pull to the side. Ph, God. Don't panic. Don't panic.

Slow down!


Everybody okay?

-Do you smell gas? -What?


Hey, that was some real calm-under-pressure stuff back there.

Oh, just FYl, gas on the right, brake on the left.

Screw you.

Real nice language coming from church lady over here.

Church lady? What is that supposed to mean?

I don't know. I figured you're some kind of nun-in-training or something.

No, I work at the orphanage, okay?

-Okay. -ldiot.

-You're an idiot. -You're an idiot.

Sister Francesca has been really good to me, so....

To all of us. She's a fine woman.

Real peach. Let's talk about today's match.

Two hundred dollars, which we could use. ad Milton said we've gotta be there by 4:00.

Mad Milton? Really?

Yeah, really. He's the promoter.

And we have no way of getting there on foot and we have no money.

But somehow you think that a car is gonna come by and pick us up...

...even though we're standing next to a 450-pound, 7-foot-tall man.

-No offense, Walter. -It's okay.

I can be brutal on a car suspension.

-I bet you can. You have a better idea? -I do, as a matter of fact.

That worked.

You need a ride?

-Thank you for picking us up. -Oh, yeah, ain't no problem, son.

You know, I'll tell you God's honest truth, sometimes it gets kind of lonely out here.

Driving mile after mile after...

...mile.

There's nobody to talk to...

...or share your innermost feelings with.

Thattaboy. That's what I'm talking about. That is the magic.

So...

...what are you hauling?

What are you hauling back here?

I'm in the import-export business.

Mostly in toward imports, you know what I mean?

That's-- That's interesting.

Any idea what he just said?

That you remind him of his nephew who he misses very much...

...and, you know, wants to know if you would...

...give him a hug.

Okay. That's a little awkward, but yeah. You know, yeah, sure.

You know, anything to make this go a little easier.

Yup.

Twenty-eight and three-quarter hours' worth of straight driving.

-Did we just hit something? -Oh, no.

Sometimes you don't tie your load down, she'll jostle on you a bit.

So you said you've been driving 28 and three-quarter hours?

You must be exhausted, right?

Oh, no.

You know, one time I drove all the way from Tijuana to Vancouver...

...without so much as stopping to take a leak.

Oh, hell, that reminds me too.

There we go. Mind knocking the lid off that for me, sugar?

Yeah. Ain't that a little dangerous, driving that far?

Yeah, there you go.

-Oh, that's pee. That's pee! -Yeah. I appreciate it.

Yeah, well, that one got a little heat rash on it.

Either your Spanish sucks or you set me up.

-Oh, you're not as dumb as I thought. -What is your problem, lady?

-You've been nothing but cold to me. -I don't trust you.

And that big guy up front, I love him like a brother.

If anything happens, Sister Francesca will be the least of your problems.

You know what, you're becoming a real pain in the--

All right, all right, no mas. Stop doing that.

Can you move, Wilbur?

All ashore that's going ashore.

Get back in the dang truck!

Oh, boy.

-Back in the truck. Back in the truck. -Not you, them. Go, go, go.

This way. Run.

Move it.

Milton?

-Hello? -It's about time you showed up, Sullivan.

I got a business to run here.

-Mad Milton, this is my fighter, Walter. -What's up, dawg?

What's with the skirt?

It's his mother, Mary.

-Oh, nice to meet you, Milton. -Nice to meet you too, sweet cheeks.

Sweet cheeks? Really? Where do you find these people?

Listen, this is a firm 200, right?

Minus the vig you still owe me from last time.

Hey, I paid you back.

Hey, you know the deal.

Now get your fighter ready. We got a hard-out here at 6 sharp.

-Six o'clock, I got it. -Good.

Thanks.

All right, sit down.

No, no, no.

Been there, done that. Put your pants back on.

Am I hallucinating?

It's like Lord ofthe Flies out there. What is going on?

Would you relax? This is perfectly normal.

Keep him company. I'm gonna check out the competition.

-Relax. -"Perfectly normal."

What's up, Jim? What's up, yo?

Let me be your manager. Call me.

All right, everybody, calm it down...

...because we have the final fight coming up next.

But once it is over, I do not need anyone leaving their trash in my yard, okay?

I don't need no trash in my yard.

Especially you, fat boy Dennis, okay? Do you hear me?

Get your fat butt up and clean up my mama's petunias.

All right, Walter.

It's time to get your head in the game.

This guy you're gonna fight...

...he's a bad man.

What do you mean, a bad man?

What the hell is going on back here?

My dad's home early. You're in trouble.

He's mean to women and children and he does it for fun.

I don't want this going on in my back yard.

Get out of there right now.

You all need to have a little respect here.

Now, the world is looking for a hero...

...to step in and put an end to his reign of terror.

You can be that hero, Walter.

-I can be that hero? -Yes.

You can be the hero.

I want y'all out of here now.

You got 10 seconds to get out of my yard before I call the cops.

Ten, nine....

He might be yelling, he might be screaming "help."

I don't care if he's foaming at the mouth.

You destroy this guy before he even knows what hit him!

Now what's it gonna be?

Are you gonna let this monster win?

No!

Your reign of terror is over.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

This is all my fault.

It's not your fault. Well, it is your fault, but I'll be fine.

They were just sending a message, is all.

That message is "do not enter the pro-am tournament."

Hey, could I get a little privacy here, please?

Look. Pop, look, I know you don't have medical insurance, okay?

I can be back by tomorrow morning.

I'll keep the gym open, you know, somehow, for as long as--

No, no, no.

Eddie, no.

Now, you listen to me, son. You listen to me carefully.

There is only one way out of this.

You got to enter that pro-am tournament...

...and you got to win it.

You avenge me, son.

You avenge me.

Is everything okay, Mr. Sullivan?

Guys. Guys.

-Are you sure, Pop? -I got to go.

Pop?

Are you ready for your sponge bath?

Dear Henry, the trip's been amazing so far.

Learning a lot.

Met some really interesting Jews.

Mostly nice.

Passed through Louisville and saw Colonel Sanders' grave...

...and the birthplace of the cheeseburger. Awesome.

The countryside is beautiful.

We got a firsthand look at it when we blew up the bus.

More on that later.

Move it, fatty. So, what I was saying, there was this girl....

Hang in there, buddy, and tell all the kids I'm gonna make things right.

Your pal, Walter.

-ls everything okay? -Everything's fine.

What about with us, Eddie? I have a responsibility to those kids.

We don't have any money, transportation.

How about you try to focus on something that isn't so obvious?

Okay. Where--? What are you doing?

Unless you have a plan, make yourself comfortable. We'll sleep here.

What?

Well, hello, love.

See? Making friends already.

Not for me. And certainly not for Walter.

Come on, baby. See, he just wants to talk to you for a minute.

Oh, yeah. No, I mean, this is so much better.

I can't believe you know someone who lives in this dump.

People who live in glass houses, Eddie.

-I have no idea what that means, Mary. -lt means you should shut the hell up.

I make the decisions from now on.

You got it. So far you're batting a thousand.

Oh, my God.

-Sapphire. -Mary. It's Mary.

Mary.

Oh, my God, Mary. I'm so glad to see you.

You get on in here. You get on in. Come on. I can't believe this.

Come on, they're girls, they're loud. Let's go.

Oh, come in.

Well, you know what, it is a good thing you got that random pole here...

...just to hold that roof up.

How do you two guys know each other again?

Oh, we used to be dancers.

Dance teachers. Yeah, like a long time ago.

We used to, you know, like--

-Oh, it was a tap-dancing routine. -Yeah.

Ballet.

Listen, Tina, we actually need to--

We need to, like, get a job. Get some work.

You know, we gotta make some money so we can get to New Orleans.

So like anything at all.

Y'all can come to the fair tomorrow. I can get you some work there.

Oh, that's great. That's perfect.

Let's all just put a break on that for a second. No offense. Tina, is it?

Yeah, Tins.

Walter here is a fighter, all right?

And I'm his manager, okay?

We're not looking to be any kind of carnies...

...or circus freaks or anything like that.

Well, first of all, I don't know where you've been...

...but Walter is clearly not a fighter.

What are you talking about? He's a fighter, right?

-I can fight. -Well, you certainly are a big, strong man.

A fighter, huh?

Yeah, I'm a fighter.

-Yeah, I mean-- -That's right.

You know, I beat up....

I beat up this kid's dad.

Well, I'm sure he was a bad dad.

-Yeah. -He was a bad dad.

Yes. No. Bad.

Yeah. Yes, he was.

I know. I got it. I got it.

I saw something at the carnival. This thing. There was a sign.

And it said, "Come one, come all, to fight Bare-Knuckle Dave."

And there's like a 500-dollar prize.

Okay. All right. That's what I'm talking about, Tins.

-Yeah. -Bare-knuckle fighting, $500.

I'm liking it!

Okay, Walter, so this is called a front-thrust kick.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, jeez.

Okay, okay.

So kicking may not be one of our go-to moves.

We'll just have to play to your strengths.

I can pick up a Volkswagen.

Okay, okay. We can work with that. Here.

-Okay. -Thanks, Eddie.

I've only seen a few episodes of Extreme Makeover...

...but I do consider myself a little bit of a stylist.

Without further ado, I introduce to you the new and improved Walter.

-All right. -The crowd goes wild.

Come on, baby. You-- Don't be shy. Come on.

Come on.

-Papa likes. -Oh, my God.

-That's awesome. Look at the goatee. -Oh, my God.

-All the hair's gone. -You got the tattoos.

You are such a good artist.

Walter, you look so scary.

All right, buddy. Make that war face. Let's see it.

-War face? -Yes.

Come on, now. Have it.

Oh, my God.

Okay, well, we're making progress.

Oh, my God. How are we going, partner?

-It's good, but it's very poppy. -Hello there.

I made a special one for you.

-You want a funnel cake? -To give you lots of energy.

Thank you.

All right, let's go, Romeo. You got a fight. Come on.

-Hi, Mary. -Hi, Walter.

-Come on. Come on. -We're gonna come watch. Good luck.

Here we go. Duck. Tree.

You got a crush.

Hey, man, you fighting Bare-Knuckle Dave?

Word of advice, man. Just keep on moving.

You mind not talking to my fighter before the fight?

Bob and weave, Tiny.

-Bob and weave. -Okay, okay.

This is a good crowd. This will be great for your lnternet buzz.

Give me that. That stuff will rot your-- Give it to me.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

We have an exciting new challenger for our reigning champ, Bare-Knuckle Dave.

Let's give a warm welcome for today's victim. What's this dead man's name?

Hey, listen, Mr. Small Town Comedian, he's gonna do fine. His name is Walter.

-Walter. -Yeah!

Now, without further ado, let's bring on our reigning champ, Bare-Knuckle Dave.

All right, you're gonna do great, okay?

Dave! Dave! Dave!

Dave! Dave! Dave!

Give me that.

All right, we got it.

Oh, my God.

What?

It's....

-Knuckle Dave's a bear? -Don't panic.

Stay in there. Don't panic.

Stay in there? What are you talking about? That's a bear.

Eddie, it's a bear.

Oh, God. Run, run, run. Circles, circles.

Okay. What did that guy say?

You bob and weave.

Or shuck and jive.

I think this bear's angry.

Eddie, there's a bear on me.

Oh, my God, I can't look.

Eddie.

Dave! Dave! Dave!

-Funnel cake. -You got him.

Funnel cake, Eddie, give the bear the funnel cake, please.

Walter!

Walter, bear on my back.

Walter, bear on that--

He's touching me. He's touching me.

Squeeze. That's it. Squeeze.

That's his bear sleeper hold.

-Just go to sleep. -Squeeze him.

That's it. Good night. We won!

That's my boy.

You're a champion!

-You can have the funnel cake now. -I don't want it. No, thank you.

Hey, you know what, he's okay. Look at him.

-It's gonna be all right, baby boy. -How about this?

Y'all are a bunch of animals.

You're animals. Y'all are just animals.

All right, bob and leave. Bob and leave. Yeah.

-Thank you. Thank you. -Five hundred dollars.

What do you think you're doing in here?

You know the rules. No one is allowed in here without supervision.

But then again, you don't play by the rules, do you, Henry?

I was watching Walter.

Show me.

-Oh, my Lord in heaven. -Your reign of terror is over.

Yeah, baby!

I can't believe you're happy when you almost got Walter killed.

Walter? The bear almost ate me.

Well, there's no accounting for good taste.

Okay, you gotta be kidding me.

What?

It says "all you can eat."

Yeah, not "you can eat it all." What, you're not big enough?

I can't have you getting sick on me, Walter.

I've got a cast-iron stomach.

Big man, big appetite. I like that.

Hey, is there any way y'all could pass this way as you head home?

-Oh, yeah, well, definitely. -Yeah.

Suppose.


What?

Pardon me.

I'm sorry. Please, excuse me.

I gotta--

No, no, no.

Come on.

All right.

Help!

I'm sorry.

-Let me out. -I'm so sorry.

Mama, I just wanted to say I love you.

Can you--? Keep pushing.

Good God almighty!

A courtesy flush, please. I'm begging you.

How can you not flush? You better be glad I can't whup that big butt of yours.

Walter.

-I'm sorry, please, forgive me. -Poor thing.

Please forgive me.

My dogs! My dogs are on that bus! My dogs.

Come on, come on.

Hurry.

Hey, now, if this doesn't work...

...we may need the Jaws of Life, okay?

-Okay. -All right.

All right, boys, once more.

Heave!

Yeah!

-That's great. -Yeah!

-Yeah! -Pull, come on.

So maybe not so much with the buffets for you anymore.

Yeah, I can live with that.

This knucklehead just choked out a 1600-pound bear.

Yeah. Do you have a plan B?

I am sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. and Mrs.--

Wilkins. Bob and Jennifer Wilkins.

-And you? -This is my assistant...

...Fredrick Rumsfeld lll.

What's up, Sister?

Yes.

And you are all here because--?

You see, Sister, my lovely wife and l have been happily married for 10 years...

...and we've been trying to have kids for a lot longer than that...

...but I think that the good Lord has a higher calling for our family.

Isn't that right, honey?

Honey?

We believe the children are the future.

We wanna teach them--

You're gonna have to excuse my wife.

You see, she's barren, fouled. She's all dried up down there.

I'll tell you the truth, I don't know what the hell is going on.

-The Lord works in mysterious ways. -Oh, praise the Lord, Sister, yeah.

Look what I found.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm afraid we don't have any children who would--

Would be appropriate for you at this time.

Are you telling me a nice kid like this kid here...

...needs a home, I'm willing to provide a home...

...and somehow I'm not good enough?

In a nutshell, yes.

Now, there is clearly something off about all of this.

I'm real sorry to hear that...

...because I've got everything a kid could possibly want.

Money, home, pool, 146-inch plasma...

...HBO.

A dream come true for some nice kid.

And you continue to make my argument for me, Mr. Wilkins...

...despite the Whitney Houston lyrics.

Madam...

...posse...

...show yourselves out.

The door is right over there.

Yup.

Things just keep getting better and better.

Well, they certainly can't get any worse.

I'm going inside.

-Hi. -Hi.


-Hey, sweet thing. -What are you doing?

Hey, do you know a rental car place anywhere around here?

Maybe 15, 20 miles up the road.

-Come here. -Don't touch me.

Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy, back off.

Back off! This is not gonna end well for you, okay?

Why don't you go inside and get yourself a tasty snack.

How about we both go in, I buy you a snack and shove it up your fat country--

-Are you okay? -Eddie.

Get him, man.

That's it. That's what I'm talking about.

-Let go. -Let her go, numbnuts.

Speaking of numbnuts.

Hey, Godzilla.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

-Are you okay? -I'm okay. You all right?

Am I okay?

Am I okay?

Yeah, I'm okay!

I am fantastic!

You are a killer.

Look at you. I told you, you're a natural-born killer.

I'm going back inside, get the security tapes.

This, right here, this is what lnternet hits are made of.

-I did good. Did you see that? -You were great.

-Yeah! -Yeah!


I'm telling you, Walter, you're gonna be big.

-Think so? -Bigger than I ever even thought of being.

Thanks, man.

Why did you stop fighting?

Oh, you know, I just-- I sustained a career-debilitating injury...

...that forced me into an early retirement.

What kind of injury?

You know. You know, just--

It was a hard hit that caused me to have to turn the page.

Was it to the face?

Like a damaged retina, brain damage?

-That sounds about right. -No...

...it wasn't. It was a just a little-- You know.

-A little lower. -So to the stomach.

So it's like a ruptured spleen--?

Do we have to talk about this? Is this something we have to talk about?

Testicular trauma.

Yeah, right. From an unlucky kick in St. Louis. That's right.

No, go ahead. Yeah, no, laugh it up.

I guess my hemorrhaged testicle's funny to you.

No, no, no.

It's just a little bit-- Just like nutty.

-All right. -Okay, okay, look.

Look, Eddie...

...we're just busting your balls a little.

Okay, aren't we comedians now.

Dude, dude, check it out.

-That's gotta be him. Let's go. -lt is.

-Come on. -That's him, that's him.

-That's totally him. -There's no way.

Hey, hey. Aren't you the guy that choked out that bear?

-Damn, it is him. -Take a picture. We're like huge fans.

-Oh, my Lord-- -You getting this?

All right, let's break it up. We got places to see, people to go.

-Come on, tell your story walking. -Dude, that sucks.

I mean, I know a lot of guys at our frat...

...who would pay to say they went toe-to-toe with the bear basher.

-ls that right? -Yeah.

Let me introduce myself. Eddie Sullivan, Sullivan Sports Management.

I represent the bear basher.

-You got cash? -Yeah.

Start stretching. Where is this frat?

-Unbelievable. -Down the street.


Okay, get in the stance, okay? Get your arms up, like that.

Good. Okay? Then you get in the stand.

-Then you spin and kick. -Kick.

I'm so sorry.

Got her.

All right, I want you to just try to get the arms.

-Try to stretch me out. -I can do that.

Yeah, that's something. That's good.

Mary. Mary!

Oh, Walter.


Hey.

Hey.

I....

-I just never got a chance to say thank you. -For what?

For rescuing me at the gas station.

Me? No, I was trying to save them from you.

-I'm sorry, I just-- -That sucks. Okay.

I don't know.

No, no, it's-- That's okay.

Hey, do you think we can pretend that awkward moment never happened...

-...so I don't obsess over being so stupid? -Yeah, I think we could do that.

Great.

-Good night. -Good night.

Okay.

-You want--? -Could l--?

-That would be great. -Sure.

-Yeah. -All right, sleep well.

-Sorry. -No, it's okay.

Seriously?

I'm learning.

You certainly are, Walter.

You certainly are.

Night, Eddie.

Good night, big man.

-You'd look pretty in that dress. -Me? No.

Do you think Tina would like it?

You got a crush on Tina.

-No. -You do.

-No. -Yes, you do.

-All set. We got adjoining rooms. Yup. -Oh, wow, adjoining rooms. Fancy.

Oh, my gosh.

Should we be staying in a place like this? I mean, this is too much.

Nonsense. Look, every win up until this point has afforded us this luxury.

If we're gonna be champions, we gotta act like it.

-Whatever you say, Ed. -That's what I say.

All right, you get settled, I'm gonna load up on supplies.

-I'll be back in a bit. -Bye, Eddie.

This place is awesome. I have a TV in my bathroom.

You have a TV in your bathroom.

You should live it up. Just don't get too used to it.

Because after tomorrow's fight, no matter what...

...we're still going back to the real world, so....

This is the real world, Mary.

-That's right, buddy. -Eddie.

That's right, this is the real world.

How about a little pre-fight celebration? We are going out tonight.

New Prleans style.

And we are gonna have some fun, my friend.

-Check that out. -What is it?

Yeah, they had one of those big, tall and extremely gigantic shops.

Eddie that's--

Man, this is awesome.

-I'm gonna put this on. -Right.

I'll be back.

All right.

That was really nice.

You know.

You didn't have to do this. It's awesome.

Mary, love you. Eddie, love you too.

Love you. He loves me.

That's for you.

That's nice.

Thank you.

Take your time. We'll meet you at the restaurant.

I'll catch you inside!


Breathe, folks, just a couple of good-looking guys...

...out on the town, no big deal. As you were.

This way, my friend. Look around. These are real women.

They don't look that real to me.

Don't do that. What are you doing? Never let them see you're interested.

-I'm not interested. -Exactly.

Sit down. It's like poker, Walter.

Okay? Listen to me, once they know your cards, you're finished.

-That's why you never ever stare. -Never stare.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, good advice, Eddie.

Please. You look incredible.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know. Been a long time since I've dressed like this.

Well, you should make a point of doing it much more often.

I know who you are. I know.

You're that big guy that beats up people on the lnternet, right?

Yes.

Actually, it's more of an exhibition of various forms of martial arts.

-Yeah, I'm the guy that beats people up. -Yeah.

-So you wanna dance? -Oh, no, I don't dance.

-Oh, come on. -Go on, Walter. One dance.

-Come on. Show them your moves. -Eddie.

-Howdy. I'm Jiggles. -Well, hello, Jiggles.

See, now that's a nickname.

Jiggles, I would like a Cadillac margarita...

-...and the lady will have-- -Just a water.

A water and a Cadillac margarita.

-Coming right up. -Thank you, Jiggles.

That's a name.

-All right, let's dance. -No, no.

Just because I put this dress on doesn't mean I'm gonna make a fool out of myself.

Okay, so let me just get this straight.

You don't dance and you don't drink. You're quite the party, Miss Poppins.

Nothing? We're not-- Okay, fine, be that way.

I'm just gonna have to go kick it my-sizz-elf. See you in a bit.

Hello, people. The kid's in the house.

Here we go.

You know, your boyfriend's cute.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

Lucky me, then.


You know, Mary, I'm glad you came out with us tonight.

Jiggles, Jiggles, Jiggles.

Why don't you take a walk?

Don't talk to me like that.

-Can we all--? -What?

You have just messed with the wrong waitress.

Oh, really?

Yeah, come on.

-Ladies, I'm flattered, but you don't have-- -Bring it.

Really?

Bring it.

Now, who's the church lady?

What?

What?

Spinning heel kick. I taught her that.

That was--

Walter, a little help, please.

Yup. Thank you.

Thank you. Okay, let's go.

Bye, Jiggles. Stay in touch.

I mean, I just don't know what got into me. I mean, I only had one drink.

Yeah, I know. It was just like this one 64-ounce margarita.

-I'm so humiliated. -Hey, don't be.

Look, it's good to let loose once in a while.

There's a difference between letting loose and knocking somebody unconscious.

But you nailed that spinning heel kick.

-I did, didn't l? -Yeah, you--

-You were like, "Take that, Jiggles." -Yeah.

-You're a good teacher. -Well, thank you.

You know, I'm not...

...who you think I am.

Who is?

I used to be a dancer.

I mean, you know...

...a kind of dancer.

We're not talking ballroom, are we?

No.

Nope, nope, nope.

I was going down a really dark path...

...when Sister Francesca helped me and I don't know what I would've done...

...without Walter and her.

Look, you don't have to do this.

You know, I mean, we've all done things we'd like to forget.

That's life. No one's perfect.

The way I see it, if the good you've done outweighs the bad...

...then you've done all right.

Okay.

So you think we could like forget this whole...awkward moment...

...so that I don't have to obsess over being so stupid?

I think we could do that.

Thanks.

Sure.

Okay. All right, then.

God, my head hurts.

Hey, big man.

-Tina? -I've been looking everywhere for you.

Tina! Oh, my-- Tina, here. Sit. What are you doing here?

-I just-- -Have a seat, have a seat.

Thank you. You know, I know that--

I know that it's your big day tomorrow and all and I wanted to come down...

...and, you know, lend my support.

You drove all the way here just to see me?

Yeah.

Wow, that's so nice.

-I got you something. -For me?

-Yeah. -Oh, my goodness.

Is that what l--?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Oh, my goodness.

They're-- They're trunks. These are awesome.

-It's a bear. -It's a bear?

Yeah.

That is cool.

Well, you know, a great outfit for a great man.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

You wouldn't believe the transformation.

-Mary, Mary. -Yeah.

You call me when it's over, Mary dear.

Sister, we can't seem to find young Henry.

You know Henry. He loves to hide. He'll show up. He always does.

But we've looked absolutely everywhere.

Well, I suggest you look everywhere one more time.

-Registration form. -Right.

Yeah. Edward Sullivan, SSM.

Sullivan Sports Management. My number one fighter...

-...Mr. Walter Krunk. -Hi.

-Registration. -Yes. Right.

Sir, you seem to me to be a man of great business integrity...

...instinct and acumen. I mean, why else would you be working here, right?

-Here's what I propose-- -Look, buddy...

...I don't care who the hell you are.

If you didn't preregister, there's no way your boy will fight.

-Please. Can you just let him--? -Next.

Come on, man.

Registration form.

Has anyone here seen that video of the really big guy...

...who saves the little guy by putting a sleeper hold on a bear?

Yeah.

Okay. And you remember the one...

...where, like, the little kid's really scary, crazy dad comes in...

...and he beats him up?

-Yeah! -I got a great surprise for you.

That big guy is right here.

Look, look, look.

-Recognize. -I recognize.

Find somewhere to put your stuff. Fight starts in 30 minutes.

I thought so. Thank you very much.

A lot of integrity.

Thank you.

Let's do this.

-What are you doing? -We don't have a locker.

So I was just trying to--

-Here, here, here. Put it up here. -Okay.

Nice. That's perfect.

Thank you.

Stop it. You don't have to thank me for anything.

But because of you-- I mean...

...you gave me this chance.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. Sure.

-I love you, man. -Okay, okay. All right.

That was sweet. I can't breathe.

I love you too.

It's a man clinch. It's Muay Thai Po.

Anyway. Good fight.

Come on! Yeah!

Come on! Come on! Yeah!

Come on! Let's see you get energized.

All right. All right!

Ladies and gentlemen...

...welcome to the 30th Annual...

...New Prleans Pro-Am Fighting Championships!

Yeah!

Come on!

That's what I'm talking about!

Yeah!

All right. All right.

The winner of the final round walks away with 100,000 dollars!

Come on!

All right. Here we go, Walt.

You got this guy.

All right. Get in there.

Guy looks like he knows what he's doing.

Just keep moving. Keep moving.

All right. You got this guy. You can do a little kick or something.

Kick him, Walt. Kick him. Kick him.

Yeah, baby. Yeah!

-You won it! -I won!

You won!

You won! Yeah!

All right. All right.

He's all upper-body strength. You don't wanna get locked up with him.

Keep moving around the ring.

Okay. He's gonna get a good punch.

Okay, so he's very good.

All right. All right. Don't worry about this guy.

Don't worry. You can take this guy. He's a showboat.

He's just trying to show off.

All right. Shuck and jive. Shuck and jive. All right. Keep moving.

That's it. Rear naked choke. That's my boy!

Stay there. Hold him right there.

Yeah, baby, you won!

Sir, I'm sorry. I think that's my seat right there. Thank you.

-I'm worried about Walter. -He's gonna be fine.

Oh, my God.

Yeah!

Hands up! Hit him! All right.

Punch him. Do something.


All right, pal. Relax.

That's it. Hold his foot. Pick him up or something. Pick him up.

Yeah! That's it! Now throw him down.

Oh, my God.

Walter! Walter! Walter!

Walter! Walter! Walter!

You did good, Walt.

Walter! Walter! Walter!

Pop, hey. What are you doing here?

You think I'd miss the main event?

-Here, come here. Have a seat. -Yeah.

Oh, God. How's your leg?

It's fine. Listen.

Earl's not gonna be too happy when you avenge me.

Yeah, I know. That's why I gotta ask you to do me a favor.

I'll take it under consideration.

Thank you.

All right.

This is all the money we made on the road.

It's 4 grand. I don't know, if something happens to me...

...can you make sure that that gets to the orphanage?

You're not growing a conscience on me, are you, kid?

I don't know. I don't know. Despite my best efforts...

...I think I'm getting to be more like you in my old age.

-Hey. -What makes you think I got a conscience?

-lsn't this the ladies' room? -lndeed it is.

Then why are you in here?

How well do you know Eddie Sullivan?

What do you want?

Did he ever tell you the real reason he quit fighting?

Yeah. Because of his....

That's very cute. But the real reason is that he got banned from fighting, for life...

...for taking a dive in the title fight.

You see, Eddie doesn't care about you or Walter or that rundown orphanage.

The only thing Eddie cares about is himself.

And if I know him, and I do...

...I'll bet you he's out there right now betting against your boy.

So...

...if you really wanna help that orphanage...

...give me a call.

Anytime.

Excuse me.

Told you we'd make it to the finals.

-Where's our money? -What?

The money we've made on this trip. The money for the orphanage.

Yeah. It-- It's not here. But I got it.

-He was right. -Who was right?

You took a dive. That's why you stopped fighting.

-Who told you that? -ls it true?

-It's not that simple. -You-- I just knew it!

You're taking advantage of Walter, of me...

...but worst of all, a bunch of kids!

All right. Just listen to me for a second.

Yeah, I've done some things I'm not proud of...

...but that doesn't mean I haven't been true.

Do you think I would be that heartless?

Well, l-- Yes. I do.

We've got big trouble.

That man in the ring with Walter has got Henry.

He left this in my mailbox.

This is the guy I just-- I just saw him.

-lf anything happens to-- -I got it.

You and the other sisters nun up.

Search every inch of this space for Henry.

Mary and I are gonna work Walter's corner. We'll stall.

Memphis Earl's not going anywhere with Redrum in the ring.

-All right. Nuns, break. -Take this. He knows how he looks.

I'll tell Walter what's going on.

-Oh, my God. -You can't be in here. Go, go, go.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event.

Come on! Yeah!

Yeah!

Now making his way to the ring...

...fighting out of institutions of lesser learning...

...weighing in at 380 pounds...

...we have Redrum!

Come on.

Come on, Redrum.

Here he comes.

Get your hands off me!

And his challenger, who's coming to the ring...

...tipping the scales at 450 pounds.

Wow, that's a big boy.

We have the bear basher himself...

...Walter Krunk!

He's here! The bear basher!

Come on! Show him some love!

Show him some love!

Come on. Come get some Redrum. Yeah.

I'm so proud of you.

Be careful.

Redrum, girl. Come on.

Oh, hello.

All right, ladies, nothing to see here. Moving out.

Let's not just do this, let's step up to this!

Come on and get some, baby.

You got this guy, Walter.

Just stay on your feet. Keep moving, all right?

Walter! Walter! Walter!

Keep your hands up.

Let's do this.

Walt, let's go, baby. Hang in there.

That's it. That's it.

Come on, get him!

Yeah!

Come on, Walt. Yeah! That's it, baby. Go!

You're going down, Redrum!

Punch to the face.

Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Just keep that up.

That's my boy!

-Do you see him? Do you see Henry? -I'm looking.

Let's go, let's go! Yeah!

-Come in here. -Yeah, baby!

All right. It's gonna be okay.

-What's going on with Henry? -We're gonna find him. Listen to me.

The best way to help Henry is to keep this fight going, okay?

So keep it going. Stay in it.

Yeah!

You got it. Come on now.

Get up, Walt. Push him off!

Nice, Walter. Get up! Get up!

All right.

Come on, Walt. Come on. You got this.

-Walt, turn into it! -He's tapping, ref.

-He's tapping. -No, he's not.

-He's not tapping. -I see him, I see him. No, he's not.

-I heard him tap, ref. -No, he's not.

Turn into it. That's it.

Hey, Baby Huey! I got your boy here!

-Walter! -Hey.

Oh, yeah.

Again. Oh, yeah.

-Walter! Stay down, Walter! -Come on, Walter. Get up!

-Get up, buddy! -Fight me!

Don't get up! Don't get up! Stay down!

-Walter! -Shut up.

Get up, Walter. Get up!

Just stay down. You make him stay down.

Smart man would've stayed down.

Walter!

I'm just a knucklehead!

Yeah, baby! That's it!

Yes!

Yeah, baby, yeah!

You got him.

Yeah! That's it!

Lock it up.

Squeeze, baby. Squeeze!

Hold on. Squeeze.

No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't you do it. No, no.

Don't you--

-Don't you tap out on me. -He's tapping out. He's tapping out!

Everybody, quiet, please! Everybody, quiet, please!

We're here for Earl Shoemacher, a.k.a. Memphis Earl....

Come on, sister. Get out of my way.

What, you got a nun posse here? You gonna kick my--

Oh, no, don't tase me, Sister. Please, don't tase me. God!

I see you have this well in hand. I like your style, sister.

--a.k.a. Hector Francois Gonzales, a.k.a....

Oh, what the hell, is he here?

-Thank you very much. -We got him!

They got him.

Yeah! Champion! That's right! Walter.

Who's the hero now? Who's the champion?

You are. Walter Krunk!

Give me that. The big money.

Earl Shoemacher, you're under arrest...

...for kidnapping and falsifying federal documents.

I can't-- I can't feel my tongue.

-Excuse me? -I can't feel my tongue.

-I can't feel my tongue. -Get him out of here.

Bye, Memphis Earl. See you in the slammer.

Henry, come here.

Does anyone have an enormous pen?

So I can sign every cent of this over to the orphanage.

Not to mention the money we made on the road.

Did we avenge him? I think so.

-Son. -Yeah?

You should know, that money, what happened to it.

What are you talking about?

-I bet it all. -What? How could you do that, Pop?

I'm a gambling junkie, kid.

But listen, thankfully I can't resist an underdog.

My bookie laid 20-to-1 on Walter. I bet the whole thing.

-What? -We got another 80 grand.

That's awesome, Pop. You're the best. The best.

Hello, Sister. I knew you'd warm up to me. I'm incredibly charming.

This is all going to you and the orphanage.

-You serious? -Yes, I'm dead serious.

-Oh, my gosh. -Listen. I know. I know.

Look, you're right. I used to be a loser.

But since I met you, I don't know, I just feel like slightly less a loser?

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that--

Thank you, thank you.

Eddie's in trouble!

-Hey. -Hey, there she is.

Oh, my goodness. I'm almost done.

I'm so excited for you to see the apartment. It's beautiful.

I bet it is.

-I gotta take care of something. -Okay.

-See you. -Okay.

Hey, buddy.

-It's not fair. -What's not fair?

That you're my best friend and you're leaving me.

Come on, scoot a little bit.

Well...

...what if I told you your best friend was adopting a kid today?

-Really? -Yeah.

I wouldn't leave you, man.

-I love you. -I love you too.