Kuffs (1992) Script

#I study nuclear science I love my classes #

#I got a crazy teacher he wears dark glasses #

# things are goin' great, and they're only gettin' better # [Laughing]

#I'm doin' all right gettin' good grades #

# the future's so bright I gotta wear shades #

#I gotta wear shades #

#I got a job waitin' for my graduation #

#fifty thou a year will buy a lot of beer #

# things are goin' great, and they're only gettin' better #

#I'm doin' all right gettin' good grades #

# the future's so bright I gotta wear shades #

#I gotta wear shades #


[Woman] George!

Hey. [Yelps]

George. Oh, George.

[Laughing] [Whistling]

# Well, I'm heavenly blessed and worldly wise #

#I'm a peeping tom techie with X-ray eyes #

# things are goin' great, and they're only gettin' better #

#I'm doin' all right gettin' good grades #

# the future's so bright I gotta wear shades #

#I gotta wear shades # # ow, ow, ow ##

George? [Panting] Uh-huh.

I'm pregnant, George.

Are you sure? Yes.


Well, how long? Over two months.

# # [Stops] [Sighs]

Wow. Maya pregnant.

[Sighing] Oh, God.

Oh, by the way, my name is George kuffs.

I've known her for about six months.

I think I love her, but, uh, I mean, pregnant?

That means responsibility. You know, I've got...

I've got women to do, places to see, you know?

You watch. Her first words when she comes back here...

"What do you think, Georgie?"

I'll tell you what I think. I'm history. That's what I think!

I just got fired from my last job.

If I'm on my own, that's fine. But with a wife and a child, that doesn't make too much sense, now, does it?

I didn't even graduate high school, and she's still in college.

How the hell would I support her, huh?

She definitely would be better off without me.


Do you want something soft and romantic or rock and roll?

Mm. Rock and roll, definitely.

[Sighs] So, uh, when I do leave her, don't think I'm too big of a cretin, okay? Okay.

[Sighing] So, what do you think?

[Scoffs] About what?

# Yeah, whizzing along at twice the speed of sound #

#my mind's mach two before I ever leave the ground #

#altitude is high I just gotta go fast #

#I've got to find me a way to make the feelin' last #

# there's only one thing I need I need more speed # come on! We're outta here!

#I got the need for speed I got the need for speed # see ya next week. #I got the need for speed #

# yeah, yeah ##

all right, hold it!

I said hold it!


I told you to stay out of this, cop!

Let's go! Go!

[Sirens wailing in distance]

[All talking at once]

If we'd stop talking at once... Wait! Wait a minute, everybody!

Brad, look, I have lived here for 30 years, and this is the worst it has ever been. Just wait.

This is still a good district. I'm with you, Brad.

Let's give ourselves a chance.

We're doubling up on the shifts. That should cut response time even further.

And I'm trying to hire another guy.

Howdy. Nice to see you again.

You might be a little curious about this Turkey here.

Then again you might not, but I'm gonna tell you about it anyway.

See this building right here? It's my brother's business.

I haven't actually seen him for a while, and today happens to be his birthday.

And Turkey is his favorite food.

So, surprise, surprise... I'm gonna cook this for him.

Then I'm gonna try and squeeze him for another loan.

But, uh, let's keep that between you and me for now.

That... that would be... That would be good.

[Grunts] Jesus.

[Honking] No, no, no!

Hey! Whoa! Hey!

Hey! [Groans]


Thank you!

Well, that's that.

# # ["Happy Birthday" in chinese] Huh?

Here they come. George.

Happy Birthday. Cheers.

# # [Singing] Mm-hmm!

Oh, look.


Thank you, all. Thank you very much.

Oh. Oop. [Speaking Chinese]

Oh, George. Yeah, nice, huh? Well...

I spent my last dollar on that Turkey.

So, Happy Birthday, Brad.

George, what do you want? Hmm?

Oh, let's see. Uh, first of all, are you aware of the gold rush that's going on over in Brazil?

No. No, I wasn't aware of that.

But let me guess... If you had the money, you would go.

Absolutely. Exactly, exactly.

All I need is four grand, and I'm history.

Four grand? Yeah.

[Laughing] Right. What? What's so funny?


Well, here. Make a wish.

I'm sorry, George. Looks like I'm gonna have to do my shift.

I tried to get hold of bill. It's his night off. I don't know where he is.

Take a look at this. $50 million, huh?

This is what I'm talking about. This is the kind of money I can make in Brazil.

[Chuckling] Right.

What about 2,500? What about you work for me?

You could live with me, go to the academy during the day, patrol with me at night until you finish the training.

That's not exactly what I have in mind, you know?

I killed a guy in a holdup yesterday.

Last week, the leader of his gang offered me a bribe.

He said it better than this, but essentially he asked me...

To look the other way while he ripped up my district.

Something big is going down. I don't know what it is.

You're my brother. I'd kind of like you to get my back.

Well, that's very nice of you, but, uh, I never really saw myself as a cop.

I'm more like the bad guys. I don't like rules very much, and this sounds like a nine-to-five thing.

I want the big score. I want the brass ring, the pot of gold, and then I wanna retire.

That's the American dream.

If I settle for nine-to-five now, my life's over. That's it.

I never thought of it that way. I'll find somebody else.

I promise, when I hit it big, I'll retire you, okay?


Hold the bus! Hold the bus!

Look, you are... You are 21 years old, George.

Thirty comes awfully fast.

And if you are still loafing around the world and bumming money from me...

When you are 30 years old...

I'm gonna be awfully disappointed in you.

I always go in here before I start my shift.

You want to come in? Uh, maybe in a second. I gotta make a phone call.

Ah. Hey, uh, Brad?

I'm sorry about some of the things I said back there.

Come on. When I was 21, I probably thought the same way.

I hope you get everything you want, kid.

I may even be able to give you some money.

God bless you.

I'll pay you back. Right.

He's a pretty cool guy, ain't he? Yeah.

After our parents died, he got stuck with the thankless job...

Of raising little ol' me.

I think he did a pretty good job myself.

Now, about Maya and me. Maybe I should give her a call.

In my note, I, uh...

I told her she'd be better off without me.

I don't know if that's so true. I mean, I miss her.

[Speaking latin]


You should have taken the money.


Help me, George.

Help me. [Groans]

[Emergency room chatter]

[Nurse] Sir, you can't be in here.

You're going to have to wait outside.

You George kuffs?

I'm captain morino, San Francisco p.D.

I'm in charge of the patrol specials.

Your brother's a friend of mine.

Based on your description, we believe we've picked up the man who shot him.

I'd like you to come down to the station with me and I d him.

[Emergency room chatter]


[Man on p.A., indistinct]

Why did you shoot my brother? Captain.

Let's take the stairs, kid. Why did you shoot my brother?

Piss off! You're going to jail!

Kid, you don't know shit about shit!


Hey, Stuart burkis is a thousand an hour.

What is he doing defending this guy Kane?

I don't know. Somebody ought to find out.

Kuffs. Peter Coca, d.A.'S office. How's it going?

You ready? Sure.

I've already identified Kane once now, haven't I?

Well, not officially. Let's go.

Yeah, that's... that's him right there on the end.

You sure? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.

Captain, can I see you a minute? Sure.

Wait a second. You didn't see him pull the trigger?

No. I can't hold him.

What do you mean you can't hold him?

Let me tell you how it's gonna go down. This guy Kane, he heard shots.

He runs to the front of the church. He sees your brother lying there.

There's a gun. He picks it up.

You burst through the doors. He thinks you're the gunman.

Wait. He thinks I'm the gunman? Let me finish!

He thought you were the gunman who was gonna come back and kill him, so he ran.

That's if he admits he was in the church in the first place. He hasn't.

The priest didn't see anything. There's no corroborating witnesses.

There's no fingerprints on the gun.

It's your word against his.

He's about to tell me that the guy that shot my brother is gonna get away.

He's the lawyer. Would you excuse us?

I want to talk to kuffs alone.

He may be guilty, kid, but guilt's what I can prove. I'm sorry.

The hospital just called. Brad's dead.

[Moans] Jes...

Are you sure? Yeah.

I pulled your brother's file. He left you his district.

That means that you now own the right, along with the police, to protect and serve the citizens of district 33.

And you have the right to solicit funds for those services.

You own Brad's district. You can do what you want with it...

Rent it, lease it, sell it.

You don't have to tell me right away, but soon.

I'm sorry.

He was a good man.


[Man laughing]

# oh, I # [Phone ringing]

# gotta leave a little while #

#don't ask me why # hello? #And I # hello.

#I don't mean to make you cry #

George. #My love #

George, is this you? # There's a light shining bright #

#in my eyes tonight # George?

#But I still see your face through the night # look, George, if this is you, I don't want to talk to you.

#I don't want to live without you # George, is this you?

# Oh, no, I won't walk away # where are you?

#I don't want to live without you # you okay?

George? #No one #

# could ever take your place ## well, "broski," this is the nicest spot I could find you.

I don't believe what happened.

They, uh... they caught the son of a bitch that killed you.

Then they let him go.

I have no idea what to do about that.

I don't think I, uh, ever really told you this while you were alive, but...

[Sighs] I love you.

Excuse me. Mr. kuffs?

They told me I'd find you here.

My name is Sam Jones. Hi.

I know this might not be the right time...

And please don't think badly of me...

But I understand your brother left you his district.

Yeah, he did.

I want you to consider selling it to me.

Since you're not in the field of law enforcement, this could be a great opportunity for both of us...

You to make some money, and me, I get to put a good, strong man in your brother's position.

I'll give you $100,000 now...

And $1,000 a month for the next two years.

That's it. That's my spiel.

Yeah, that, uh, sounds wonderful, but could you give me some time to think it over?

I wouldn't expect anything less.

Here's my card.

It has my home number on there. Call me anytime.

I'll be expecting your call.

Sorry about your brother. Have a nice day.

# # [Singing, indistinct] [Coins rattle]

You sure have to make serious choices in life, don't you?

[Phone rings] Patrol special.

[Bell jingles] Hey, Harriet.

Nikki, Mr. brown is on line two.

I'm busy. Not bad.

[Nikki] You're three weeks late again, Mr. brown.

[Toilet flushing]

Hiya, kid. Just the man I wanted to see.

Can I buy you a free cup of coffee? Show me the way, bill.

I'm not quite sure exactly what's going on here. [Continues, indistinct]

We should start talking about how much you want for the business.

I have a little saved up.

I can get some from... My mother.

I'm sure the bank would lend me the rest.

Well, uh, that's very nice of you, bill, but, uh, believe it or not, I've decided to take the job myself.

Come again? I'm gonna be your boss, bill.

You're gonna what, kid? [Sighs]

He's a kid. Even if he becomes a patrol special, he doesn't have the experience to run a district.

I do not want to hear "kid" from this guy ever again. I am not a kid!

Calm down. Kid, kid, kid.

Would you tell him that, please? He's not a kid.

Brad said I could go to the academy during the day and patrol with somebody at night.

That's what I'm gonna do. I spoke to the lawyer from the d.A.'S office.

He said the district's mine. I'm taking it.

Has he ever been convicted of a felony? I'll bet he has.

Shut up, bill! Have you? No.

Did you graduate high school? Yes.

You have to go through the academy. I know, I know.

He's gonna have to get his hair cut, put on a uniform and get rid of that attitude!

I'm only gonna stick around until I clean up the neighborhood.

Look, kuffs... That's the least I can do for my brother.

Oh, God damn it. Why me? I...

Bill, this is his district. There's nothing I can do about that.

You think you've won? Think again!

Look, I understand how you feel.

Will you understand that I don't want you here either?

I heard about Sam Jones's offer.

If you don't want to sell to bill, fine. Take that. It's a great offer.

You don't know what you're getting into.

Captain, trust me. I... I can handle this.

Sure, and I just heard turds can fly.

Hear me.

The first time you screw up in any way...

Or if I catch you going after Kane, you're out of business. [Bailiff] court is now in session.

Well, it's good to know I have a loyal support team.

What he doesn't realize is the first time I screw up, I'll probably be dead.


Oh, God!

Thank God this is only temporary.

Imagine getting up at 5:00 in the morning for the rest of your life?

It's worse than nine-to-five.

At least I still have you. [Chuckles]

Old reliable. Oh!

This is only part of it. Wait until you see the uniform.

It's beautiful.

Well, what do you think, huh?

Even comes with a, uh, matching hat.

Feel like a dork.

Let's go!

Come on!

Come on! Sir. [Panting]

Why are we doing so much running? Aren't we all going to be in cars?

Move it, asshole! Move it!

Move it! Move it!

This might have been a terrible mistake.

Can I help you? Yeah.

I'm looking for a really big gun that holds a lot of bullets.

God bless you, young man.

I always wanted a gun. Is this what you had in mind?

It's a 9-millimeter beretta.

Fifteen in the clip, one in the pipe.

Is there one that holds more? No.

I'll take two.

[Man, indistinct under gunfire]

You probably won't hit anything. That's what I'm here for.

All right.

[Gunshots in rapid fire]

Where'd you learn to shoot like that?

Never shot a gun before in my life.

You're a natural, kid.

Really? Is there such a thing as being a natural at shooting?

You betcha. You mean I have talent?

At shooting. Let's see if you can do that again.

Let me have another target.

At the start of your shift, you report here and you sign the log book.

Right. At the end of your shift, you come back and you sign out...

If you don't get killed.

Hey, Nikki, did you happen to get that address on Kane I asked for?

Oh, yeah. Here. It was in the book.

Eh! Killer in the phone book... Never would've thought of that.

I don't know if you should go gunning for Kane on your first night.

I'm not gunning for him. I'm just gonna swing by and see what he's up to.

It's out of our district, George.

It's all right. I can afford the gas. What's next?

Okay. You read the reports of the day.

Then you check the teletype, then the reports of incidents.

Any ques... Kuffs!

This is Ted bukovsky. He'll be riding around with you the next couple weeks.

Nikki, you can go home.

Wait one minute, Nikki.


May I talk to you for a moment? Sure.

Listen, you're really undermining my confidence here...

Right in front of one of my employees.

How the hell do you expect me to develop leadership abilities...

And learn how to make decisions on my own if I have a chaperone like Ted around?

Who gives a shit? Oh.

Well, I can't afford him. I went through the books last night.

My brother was living month to month. I'm almost broke here.

No. I went through the books too. You are broke.

A lot of people dropped the service when you took over.

You got a week and a half, two weeks tops. Then you're gone.

You're history, and no lawyer in the world can help you.

Ted is here to keep you out of trouble while you're among us.


You must have messed up pretty bad to deserve me, huh, Ted?


Look, kid.

I'm a cop, okay?

Personally, I think you patrol specials are door-rattling jokes.

Now, we can talk, we can tell each other lies, we might even become friends.

But in the next two weeks, if you do anything that makes me look bad, I'll break you in half, okay?

You get laid much, Ted?

What do you mean?

What do I mean? [Chuckles]

Uh, Ted, before we go, I gotta run to the "toidey." I'll meet you back here.

You... "Toidey"?

Well, I'm sure Ted is the victim of an unhappy childhood, and, some day, some psychiatrist could release the caring human that's struggling to get out.

But right now, I don't have the time.

Could you please tell me where the narcotics division is?

Thank you.

[George] All right, all right, Doug. I'll be honest with you.

Ever since my brother passed away, I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping.


Doug said half of one of these would make you sleep...

Like you had a tit in your mouth for eight hours.

I don't know. Ted's a pretty big guy, isn't he?

Should I? Yeah, sure.

Better to be safe.

Stir it up.


I'm real sorry about what I said. I got you a cup of coffee.

Next time, shit before you sign in.

Shit! Sign in! In the car!

Am I gonna be tested on this later? Maybe.

You're not drinking your coffee.

I don't like hot coffee. I like cold coffee.

Turn right at the next street. You have some customers at the end of the block.

[Whistling] [Yawning]

That's the guy that shot my brother.

[Ted] Stop! Stop!

[Horn honking]

Look out! Turn! Turn!

Turn! Turn!

Stop the car! We're gonna lose him!

Are you crazy? Stop the car!

Are you [Beep] trying to kill me? What are you so angry about?

I wanted to follow the guy. Did you see a [Buzzer] crime being committed?

Did you see a [Distorted note] crime being committed?

If we follow him, we will see a [Buzzer] crime being committed.

You are a [Electronic note] patrol special. You don't go looking for a [Buzzer] crime!

If you see a [Distorted note] crime being committed, then you take action.

Otherwise, your [Distorted note] job is to service those people...

Who are stupid enough to hire you to protect them.

And if I'm gonna get killed on this job, it's gonna be by a [Electronic note] bullet, not by a [Electronic note] bus!

Now turn this [Distorted note] car around and let's get back on your [Distorted note] patrol!

You have a limited vocabulary, Ted.

Fuck you.


[Rattle, echoing]

If you liked those, stick around. I got a hundred more.


Come on. One of your customers is getting robbed.

I knew it. I knew it! [Police radio chatter]

[George] I told you this would happen. I told you we should just follow Kane.

We'd have him right now. Stupid rookies.

Always think you're gonna hit the big score your first night. I'm a stupid rookie?

How much do you want to bet it's Kane? A billion dollars.


Get out! Get out of my store! Look at my store!

You can't protect me! Your brother was good, but you shit! Calm down, sir.

Calm down. We'll be right back. Thank you, Mr. Chang.

Get out of my store! Ted, I told you. Four guys in a green station wagon.

You owe me a billion dollars. Where you going?

I'm gonna go get Kane. I can't let you do that.

Well, try and stop me. [Groans]

Now calm down. We're gonna take this guy's statement and write up a report.

You leave me no choice, Ted.

I'm gonna have to hurt you. That's it. Oh, man.

Don't you see that getting Kane would be as good for you as it would for me?

[Groaning] I guess you don't.

You're pretty good at this. Thank you.

Do you give up?

Look, you don't have to come with me.

Just say I ditched you. I'll give you money for a cab.

I can't.

[Siren wails] Shit.

- [Car door slams] - What the hell is going on around here, bukovsky?

[Panting] Just investigating an armed robbery. Same as you, sergeant.

Is he a suspect? No. We were just...

Trying to decide who's gonna write up the report.

Don't try and dick me around, bukovsky. You're already on probation.

I'll run your ass in for assaulting another officer.

Now, did he start the fight?

Officer bukovsky was, uh, just being kind enough to show me some moves I missed...

During self-defense class.

You're the new patrol special, aren't you? Yeah.

Word to the wise, kid. Your brother was a good man. don't cock up his memory.

Let's check the damage inside.


I'm sorry about your brother.


I bet you I know where this Kane guy lives.

[Ted] Is that him? [George] yeah.

Good. Now we know he's home. Let's get outta here. Come on.

He's up there with his gang. Five more minutes. Now!


Wait one second.


Huh. You were right.

He was up there with his gang. [Chattering]

I think you saw someone else in the green station wagon.

What could they possibly see in a man that dresses that badly?

They have to be his alibi. That's the only explanation.

[Car alarm beeps]

[Ted] You're not gonna follow him.

I think we should follow the cab.

[Bell jingles]

What do you think he's doing in a Chinese laundry this time of night?

You saw his gang. He needs clean sheets.

Oh, yeah. "Tedster," I meant to ask you before.

What, uh... what are you on probation for, anyway?

Moral turpitude.

[Chuckles] Moral turpitude?

What'd you do, sleep with the captain's wife or something?

No. The chief's.

[Laughing] That's cool.

I didn't know she was the chief's wife.

I picked her up in the supermarket, in the frozen foods.


Is she, uh... Is she pretty?

She's great.

She's a lot younger than the chief.

That's great. Way to go, tedster.

What the hell has he got there?

A tube of clothing. [Scoffs]

You wanted to go to his house. We did. You wanted to follow him. We did.

This guy's not happening. Let's get back to work.

Uh, what was... What was in that cup? Coffee.

Yeah. Where'd you get it?

You gave it to me. Right.

[Clearing throat]

[Harriet] Car one, this is control. Do you copy? It's for you.

Car one, this is control. Answer it.

Go ahead. Car one, this is control!

Hello? - Car one, we have an emergency at 342 kearney.

There's a jumper on the fifth floor.

George, you're all I've got. This is a customer call.

The jumper is on the ledge.

Shit, did you see that? What?

It's Sam Jones. Who?

Sam Jones. Come on! George!

[Harriet] George, do you copy? [Ted] George! Wait!


[Woman on p.A.] Advisory for Bart passengers. Who's Sam Jones?

No smoking, eating or drinking is permitted once you have entered the gates.

Thank you for keeping Bart safe and clean.

Watch out. There he is.

Next Concord-bound train will arrive at Montgomery street in two minutes.

Embarcadero train approaching Montgomery street in two minutes.

["Smashing into wall" sound effect] [Groaning]

Whoo! [Mumbling] Okay.

[Woman on p.A.] Attention, please.

Will Ms. wills please contact the station agent at extension 4123.

[Whistle sounds]

What the hell you think's in that tube, huh?

[Groans] Ted?

Next Concord-bound train will arrive at MacArthur in two minutes.


[Ted] I'm okay. I'm all right. [Harriet] George, are you there?

I'm all right! Are you sure?

[Harriet] Where in the hell did you go? We're on our way.

No. We gotta go to the laundry. We're going to the jumper.

You need a search warrant for a Chinese laundry.

Move it. Move it!

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

I'm all right! [Engine starts]

[Stomach gurgling]

Stop looking at me.


Stop looking at me. I'm okay. It's just...

Something I ate or stress.

[Stomach gurgling]

[Snoring] [Tires screech]

[Snoring] [Grunts] Ted. Ted? Ted? Oh, shit.

Ah! Ted! Jesus! I'm sorry.

I... I'm sorry about the coffee, all right?

I didn't know you'd turn out to be such a nice guy!

[Burps] Ted, Ted, Ted! Wake up! Come on, Ted.

I don't know what the hell to do with a jumper! Ted. Ted!

Ted, come on! Ah, don't snore, Ted.

Come on, Ted. Wake up, buddy.

I need your help. Come on! Come on, come on!

Come on. Wake up, Ted. [Snoring]

Ooh. Uh, why don't you stay with the radio, Ted?

He's gonna stay with the radio. You see that?

You see that? I want you to get that son of a bitch off my building right now.

Maybe we should wait for the police? You are the police!

What the hell you think I'm paying you for?

He's awfully high up there. How'd he get up there?

Don't you lock your building at night?

Kuffs? Maya.

What are you doing here? I thought you were in Brazil.

Uh, well, I... Where are you going?

You remember Robert? Hi.


Come on. He's gonna jump. Come on.

It's bad luck if he jumps. Come on.

Wait a minute. Are you a cop now?

I'll talk to you in a second. What the hell took you so long? I've been waitin' all night.

Okay. Now, he's down here.

Did you see that? Maya with Robert?

I don't get it. She left him for me. Come on, come on.

Maybe they're just friends. Then again, maybe they're not.

You think he's better looking than I am? Come on!

Okay. He's out there. Now go ahead and do your stuff.

Go ahead.


Pretty nice view you have here.

Would you... would you mind coming on back inside here, please?


He doesn't want to come in. What do you mean?

Look, this is my first day on the job.

I have no idea what to say to a potential suicide.

It's simple, Sonny. You want to keep your business?

You get him in here, or you don't get paid.

I see. Go ahead.

Hey, asshole!

Yes, you. Look, if you're gonna jump, jump.

Otherwise, use the bridge like everybody else.

You're screwing up traffic down there. Say what? Are you crazy?

How'd I do? - What do you mean?

- That's all I could think of. What do you mean that's all you could think of?

It's the best I can do. - You gotta do better than that.

Ooh! Ooh! He's coming in.

He's coming in! Is he?

I'll be a son of a bitch. It worked. - Of course it worked.

[George] Let's stand back and give the guy some room here.

I knew it was gonna work. I'm a professional. Let's get him a chair.

You! Cop! Hey.


Maya Carlton? Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

I just came to see if you were all right.

I've really got to go. Wait a second.

Um, I want to apologize to you...

About my note.

That was... That was not good. No, it wasn't.

You, uh, you look amazing.

You know, when I saw you coming down on that stretcher, I... I almost died.


Was that you on the phone?

Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

George! George, come on! You're getting a hard-on.

I can't help it. It's you.

No, it's you. Yeah.

Uh, look, what are you doing with this Robbie character?

Kuffs, come on. You left me.

Yeah, right.

Does he, uh... Does he know about the child?

You know, I don't need Robert and I don't need you.

I've got to go. I just wanted to see if you were all right.

Take care of yourself.


Well, capt. Morino wouldn't give me the search warrant for the laundry.

Ted got suspended. He doesn't know that yet. He's still asleep.

I don't know, maybe it's just the post-gunshot blues, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm not exactly cut out for this line of work, you know?


Want to see what a gunshot wound looks like? [Groaning]

Gotta say my point of view on guns has changed.

Do cause quite a bit of pain.

[Dog barking] See, the, uh, bullet went in here...

And then it came out the back.

You feel it hit, and then there's this, uh, this kind of a sharp pain.

And then it goes numb. Yeah.

Scarier than shit.

Now, the guy who jumped, he was a, uh, a writer.

Ooh! Tried to kill himself twice before.

[Sighing] I don't know.

I know Kane killed my brother. I know Sam Jones is in it with him.

What the hell can I do about it?

I don't have any money.

In two weeks, I'm probably gonna lose the business anyway.

There's this $50,000 balloon payment due on change of ownership...

That capt. Morino hasn't spotted yet.

That's it, that's it. I'm doomed.

If you're not the cleaning lady, you're in the wrong apartment.

[Laughing] I've come to make peace, Mr. kuffs.

I'm sorry you think I killed your brother.

I didn't, but I do represent certain business interests in your district.

There's a $25,000 down payment for your services.

Most of the time, all we'll ask you to do is look the other way.

You took your brother's job, Mr. kuffs.

You could have a future here.

Then again, you might not.


[Sighing] I think I like having a future.

Thank you, Lee.

Aah! We're gonna die, Sam!

Oh, I scared you, didn't I? [Cackles]

You're in big trouble, kid.

Sam, I gotta tell ya. I was pretty set to quit the business this morning.

Then your little buddy, Kane, dropped by, offered me a bribe...

$25,000 to look the other way while you tear up my district.

I asked for 50,000. We settled on 37,500. I think I did pretty good.

Capt. Morino, please. It's Sam Jones. It's an emergency.

Police? I'd better talk fast, huh?

You're into a land-grab scam, Sam.

Now, the problem is, you're greedy!

You don't want to pay top dollar, and people don't actually want to sell to you.

So you use Kane and his hoods to come in, shake everybody up...

And then you come in like a savior with bags of money and buy everything up!

See, I did a little research on you.

You're a big shot art collector, a major player on the charity circuit.

You're rich, so you think you're above the law.

But you've made two mistakes now, Sam.

Number one, you had Kane kill my brother.

Number two, the land you're grabbing happens to be in my district.

And in my district, sambo, I am the law.

Capt. Morino, one of your patrol specials...

Just broke into my car and is threatening me.

George kuffs. He wants to talk to you.

[Morino, indistinct] Naw, I don't think so.

[Hangs up receiver] It's just you and me, Sam. No corroborating witnesses.

Your word against mine. Pull over right here, huh? I'll walk the rest of the way.

I wish there were something I could say, Mr. kuffs, to make you feel better about yourself.


I guess you could tell me you're gonna leave town for 200 or 300 years.

That'd make me feel a little better.

Thank you.

Oh, God, that felt good!

I almost told him I knew about him and Kane and the laundry.

What if there were drugs in that tube or something?

What he doesn't know I know can hurt him, so why the hell should I tell him, huh?

Yeah, you see, this way I can stake him and Kane out with my team.

I can catch them both red-handed!

I like it. It sounds good.



Guess what I have in the bag? Capt. Morino wants you to call him right away.

He sounded really pissed off. Yeah, in a minute.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Nothing personal, George, but we all decided we don't want you as our boss.

[Scoffs] Well, this is a first.

A boss being fired by his own employees.

Tell me, bill, who do you think should be boss, my little friend?


Nothing personal, bill, but, uh, you're fired.

You can't fire me. These people want me.

We're not saying you can't own the business, we're saying...

Find somebody else with experience to run it!

Is that what you're saying? That's right.

Well, listen. Since I have taken this job, I've been shouted at, I've been bribed, I've even been shot for you people!

And now you're telling me you don't believe in me? This is what we're gonna do.

If bill beats me in a fair fight right here, right now, not only can bill be boss...

I'll give you the business for free.

What do you say? You're not serious?

Yeah, I am. But I gotta warn you, I'm pretty good.

So if I win, I'm boss.

If I say jump, your only answer is "how high. "

You're on. Come on, bill.

He was golden glove champion twice, George. Forget it.

Hey, a deal's a deal. You can't back out now.

All right, just make it quick, bill.

You won't feel a thing. Thank you.

Ooh! [Gasping]

I win!

Why didn't I think of that last night with Ted?

Okay, that'll be $113.65.

All right. What would you like the card to say?

Ah, "dear Maya", "it was great seeing you the other night.

Love and kisses on all your pink parts. George."

I guess you hear that all the time, don't you? [Harriet] Come in, George.

Excuse me.

Yeah, come in. Ten-four.

[Harriet, loud] I got bill on the line, and morino's called twice more.

You better call him soon. Now, here's bill.

Just checkin' in, boss. Sam Jones got home 15 minutes ago.

[In high voice] Hasn't moved since.

All right. Why don't you just call me back in about a half hour?

May I ask you a personal question? Sure.

Have you ever, uh, been married?

[Chuckles] Goin' on 18 years.

Eighteen years. Geez!

What's it like?

Is it still fun? You still like her?

Him. Oh.

Yeah, it's great. It has its ups and downs, but it's great.

Thank you. Sure.

Have a nice day. You too.

When do you think she'll get these?

Well, I'll call Sacramento right away. Say, by 2:00?

[Beeping] [Nikki on radio] George, are you there?

I think I want to change the card.

Yeah, come in. I lost Kane.

He turned a corner and I turned the corner, and he just wasn't there.

I'm sorry, George. I'm not very good at this.

That's quite all right, Nikki. I have a good idea where he's going.

Why don't you go hang out by the laundry or something?

Hey, wait! Weren't you gonna change the card?

Right, right.

"Dear Maya, I really, really miss you.

"Would love it if you came to San Francisco tonight for dinner.

But even if you can't, I'd still love to talk to you. Love, George."

Better. Much better.

Yeah, I think so.

I am not interested in selling at any price!

I understand your store was robbed. Yes.

Well, well, well. Kane.

I should know you'd be standing right next to the toilet paper.

What are you doing here? I fired you!

I know you fired me, but you paid up through next week, so here I am.

May I speak to you for a moment, please?

Come on, come on!

Look, before we get into this, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

It's been bothering me for quite some time now.

Where do you buy your clothing?

What are you doing? What am I doing? My job.

See, I just overheard you asking Mr. Chang to sell his business.

He said he didn't want to, but you persisted.

So as much as I like you, Kane, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

We had a deal, kid. I paid you this morning. Absolutely.

You hired me to protect your interests, and I fully intend to do that.

You see, I also have a deal with Mr. Chang.

And right now, you're on his property. That's why I have to ask you to leave.

Don't mess with me, kid.

You see, if Mr. Chang were on your property...

And he was leaning on you, I'd ask him to leave.

And then, if he didn't do it fast enough, I'd pull my gun out of its holster just like this...

And I would shout, "do we have an understanding...

Or do you want to see if you can breathe through your forehead?"

But I don't have to do that with you, Kane, because we're pals, aren't we?

You might not live to regret this.

I've lived to regret almost everything I've done. See ya.

You are going to get us all killed.

I hope not.

Think positive, Mr. Chang. Maybe we'll get lucky and win.

[Line ringing] [Sighs]

He said he was going home. But if he's there, he's not answering his phone.

Try him again.

[Phone ringing]

[Shower running]

Hey! Well, Maya's coming to dinner.

I guess the flowers worked, huh?

Now get out of my bathroom.

[Phone ringing]

Where's he stayin'? Brad's apartment.

If the son of a bitch calls in, you tell him to meet me there...

And to cease and desist all operations. You tell him.

You tell him there's a $50,000 balloon payment due on the change of ownership...

And that his banker, Mr. Alan eddy, wants it today or he's no longer a patrol special.

What you're doing is shitty!


#like the floor's on fire #

#and we're never touching the ground #

# well, she lifts me #

#a little bit higher #

#and our love well, there's no comin' down #

#she'll be runnin' red hot #

#I can't put out the flame #

#she tears me up like a hurricane #

#she's a roller coaster she's a tidal wave #

#she takes my breath away #

# oh, she takes takes my breath #

# takes my breath every time she moves that way #

#all my words #

#hard to say #

# oh, she takes my breath away #

# watch out she's like dynamite #

#and she could go off anytime # perfect.

#Fascination stimulation # what do you think? Too subtle?

#Now she's got me so hypnotized # [Sighs]

#She takes my breath away #

#hey, hey, hey ##


Show time!

Well, she's early.

It's a good sign.

I know it's tacky to answer the door half-dressed, but that's me! [Buzzing]

Gun, gun, gun! Geez!



[Grunting and groaning]


[Laughs weakly]

It's on the fridge.

Huh. [Chuckling]


You lookin' for me?





It's Maya.

How's it goin'? Hi, George.

You remember my parents? They just came in for the opera.

Oh. Yeah, of course. Mrs. Carlton, Mr. Carlton.

- Doctor Carlton. Right. Doctor Carlton.

Aren't you going to invite us in?

Uh, sure.

Uh, just a sec.


[Chuckles] I'm not having too much luck with turkeys now, am I?


Do you believe this?

Maybe we could just go out for drinks or something?

You and I have got to have a talk.

Well, let me throw a shirt on.

What happened here? Ah... termites.

What's this?

Is he dead? God, I hope so.


What a lovely apartment you have here.

- [Buzzing] - Why don't you guys go to the back bedroom?

I think that'd be a good idea. What?

Come on. Keep moving. Where's the bathroom?

Straight back. Straight back. Bedroom's to the right.


Raise the toilet seat.


Freeze, assholes!


I'm sorry. That's your banker.


[Police radio chatter]

Hey, I'm real sorry about your tongue, but I didn't know it was you guys.

No, no, no. You were great!

You scared the shit out of me! And you killed the guy who was trying to kill you!

We got a good man here, captain. I think you're gonna make a great patrol special.

What about the money he owes you?

This is not what he does.

He's not a patrol special. He's a screw-up.

He got lucky. Hold it, capt. Morino.

Mr. kuffs here, he just offered me a $10,000 down payment on that loan.

And we have a saying in the banking business:

"Never trust a bald barber. He has no respect for your hair."

Good night, gentlemen.

A strange little guy, but I think I like him.

Now, if you could just get me the search warrant for Mr. wang's laundry.

It just so happens that it's closed tomorrow.

Then you could reinstate Ted. I think everything would be back to neat.

Can't reinstate Ted.

The chief's wife just moved in with him.

I'll see what I can do about the laundry.

[Retching] Not on the seat, dear.


Bye. Now, you call me.

Hi. Hi.

I was cooking us a Turkey. Yeah, I know. I saw the black sheets.

What do you want to do tonight, George?

Whatever you want to do.

All right.

Let's do something that we've never done.

Yeah? Yeah.

[George] Tattoos, huh? It's not exactly what I expected.

When you said you wanted to do something we'd never done before, I thought it'd be more along the sexual line, you know? [Chuckles]

Let me see it. Can I see it?

You want to see it? All right. Yeah. Oh!

Ohh. Kind of painful.

[Laughs] It's so cute.

It's really sexy. I'm telling you, it is.

Sexy? Yeah.

#I don't wanna live without you # let me, uh... Let me see yours.

#I won't walk away # see it?

You like it? It's very cute.

It's beautiful.

#No one #

# could ever take your place #

# there's a road #

#a road I've got to take #

#don't ask me why #

#some day #

#it'll all be worth the wait #

##[Continues, indistinct] [Panting]

I love you, George.

But I guess you have your life to live and I have mine.

I, uh...

I love you too.

#I don't want to live without you # you're gonna have to make up your mind someday, George.

#I won't walk away #

#I don't want to live without you #

#no one could ever take your place ##


We're all here to sign up. All right.

Good work last night. Thank you.


[Nikki] They got here about five minutes ago.

Wonderful. What do they want? I have no idea.

Well, did capt. Morino get the search warrant for the Chinese laundry?

No, not yet. All right. Have a doughnut.

Hey, Sammy!

Bet you wish I were dead, don't you?

Officer favaro, would you excuse us for a minute?

Yeah, we'd, uh, like to be alone.

I usually don't do these things myself. Hmm.

But since you broke into my car yesterday, I knew you had to be stopped.

I really don't think you're the man for that job, Sammy. [Scoffs]

[Sighs] Talk to me, Sam.

This is your transcript from fremont high school in modesto, California.

You went to fremont, didn't you? Maybe.


It says here you dropped out in the 10th grade.

Did you drop out in the 10th grade?

Tsk-tsk. To be a patrol special, you have to have a high school diploma.

You don't have a high school diploma, do you? No.

You lied on your application, defrauded the city of San Francisco...

And officer favaro's here to arrest you.

You're out of here, kid.

And I get your district anyway, and it doesn't cost me $100,000.

It'll be nice to own my own police force.

Amazing, the power of a piece of paper.

[Paper hits desk]

Officer favaro?

You didn't really think you could beat me, did you, kid?


Sorry, George.

It's unbelievable! Sam Jones is gonna get away with everything...

Because I didn't finish high school?

Uh, before we go up, I have to go to the bathroom.

No, George. Come on. Give me a break.

No, no, no. It's not like I'm a mass murderer, okay?

I lied on a stupid application. That's all.


I don't know why I'm doing this.

I don't know why I'm doing this. God bless you.

You got one minute. It's number two, favaro.

Would you give me a break, please?

Thank you.

I've escaped!

Hey, Doug. I've got another problem.


Well, this here is thunder. Doug loaned him to me.

If it's illegal, supposedly thunder can smell it.

Right? [Barking]

Now, we're gonna go into the laundry, but first we're gonna stop by Ted's, see if he wants to join us.

All right? [Barking]

No way, George. I'll never ask you for another thing as long as I live.

No, George. I'm not interested. Come on, Ted.

Oh, is that the chief's wife? - Yeah.

She moved in right after you almost poisoned me.

And there you have it. So you owe me.

What's that?

Uh, come on, Ted. Open the door.

The last time I owed you a favor, you almost killed me.

Look, I just want you there at my back.

If Sam Jones gets away with this, I lose everything.

No. I can still see you.

[Whistling] Come on, te...

[Sighs] All right, Ted.

Thanks a lot!

Look, if something happens to me, you know, I don't want you to feel bad or anything, okay?

If I get killed or something, it's not gonna be your fault...

That I was there all alone, all right?


This better be good, favaro.

I was only six over par going into the back nine.

Narcotics gave him a gun and a dog, and then he disappeared.


You gotta admit the kid's got balls.

Stake out the laundry. My bet, that's where he's headed.

Yes, sir. Hey. Just a second, favaro.

What if Sam Jones is a crook?

Let's give kuffs a couple of hours, see what he turns up.

It might be good for all of us. Yes, sir.

All right, thunder. We're looking for something illegal.

I'll let you have the honor.

[Growling] Hey, there you go!

[Grunts] Having fun?

Here I come. [Laughing]

[Sighing] That wasn't bad.

[Ringing] Yeah?

Everything's set. I'll meet you at the laundry.

What do you think? Here? Anything?

[Growling] Nothing.

All right.

Come on.

All right, look. Let me just explain to you one more time, okay?

We're looking for something illegal.

What about hanging clothes? [Whining]

Wanna smell some hanging clothes? Huh? Come on.

What about over here? Come on.

Can you smell anything yet?




Did you find something back there? [Growling]

What is it?


What the hell is this?


[Clicks tongue] Do you believe this stuff is worth $50 million?

It doesn't even come with a frame! [Scoffs]

[Motor stops]

Just getting it for you. How are you, Sammy?

Thanks for the warning. Sic 'em!

Come on!

You've meddled in my business for the last time, Mr. kuffs.

I just figured out what you've been up to, Sammy.

All this time, I thought it was drugs, but no, you're selling stolen art...

And kicking good people out of their homes.

That's not good. I'm gonna have to arrest all of you now. Come on.

I don't think so.

Hold him.

What? No designated hitter? I'm impressed!

[Grunting and gasping]

Kane was my best friend.

We grew up together. We had a dream.

We were gonna change this town together.

Then you came along and killed him. I hate you for that.

I'm not too happy about what he did to my brother. Hmm.

Why don't we call it even? Hey!

Get him off those paintings.

[Starter grinding] Come on, come on, come on.

Please, not today. Let's go!

Come on. Honey?

Sweetheart, I made you a list. Another one?

You're out of everything, even windex. Thanks.

[Starter grinding]


Why don't you take mine?

It's the chief's car. It's half mine.

That's funny. [Laughing]

[Starter grinding] See ya. Come on, please.

[Muffled groaning]

[Honking] I'm thinking!

[Sighing] I hate you, George kuffs.


[Muffled grunting]

[Thunder whining]












[Both howling] George!





I knew I heard a dog. What?

What? What?


You all right? [Barks]

Yeah, good boy.

Oh, my God! My God! My God! Look at the car.

Look at the car! It's on fire.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We gotta go.

It's on fire. The car's melting! Sam's getting away.

I can't believe this. I know where he's going.

It's melting! One day you'll look back on this and have a good chuckle.

It's the chief's car!



Come on, come on. Let's go get Sam.


He was? With a dog?

Hold on a second. This is Mr. brown.

He said he just saw George and another guy and a dog getting into a cab...

In front of wang's laundry just after it blew up.

Ask him what kind of a cab George got into...

And tell him he's late with his payment.

Oh, and ask him, how's the dog.


Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

I'm, uh, sorry about the car, Ted. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God... By the way, do you have a gun?

Of course I don't have a gun. I'm on suspension.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

I hate to say it, but I don't have a gun either. [Moans, barks]

You weren't prepared for this, were you? Mmm.

[Ted] Yeah, gimme that 12-gauge.

Two boxes of double aught. Let me have two 9-millimeters and a couple boxes of shells.

How many guys are gonna be there? At least four, and Sammy.

Give me that. 44 Magnum and a sig 226.

You think I could have one of these 12-gauges also?

Is this gonna be cash or charge, officers?


I'll pay you back. [Growling]

You have no conception of what you owe me.

Can we return these when we're done?

Ah, I didn't think so.

Let's take it out of the billion you owe me.

[Bell dings]


Kuffs and bukovsky just bought a shitload of guns over at Bradford's.

The chief waited six months for this car.

I screwed up big time here, favaro.

Put out an apb for 'em.

Your money's in the briefcase.

Can't come up here, buddy. We're repaving.

Hi, there. Why don't you turn around and keep your hands on your head?

You got any rope? Tape?

Okay, let's go.

Why don't you wait for us here? We shouldn't be too long.

Hey! Yo.

He's obviously a lot smarter than we are.

How do you load one of these things? What?

How do you load one of these... I heard you!

You take the shells and you put 'em in here.

When you've got in as many as you can, you cock it back to fire.

Like this? Shh.

It's okay.

Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. ikawa.

Van's on me. Thank you.


Sammy, how are you? God must love fools.

Everyone keep their hands where I can see 'em.

[George] All right, now I hate to repeat myself, but you're all under arrest.

Now, come up from around the cars and lay down on the ground or something.

Yeah, that's good. That's a 12-gauge pump, boys.

It's only got three shots. He can't get us all!

Well, now we know he can add and he can subtract.

So, who wants to be next here?

[Bells tolling]

[Cries out]


There's a shoot-out on top of a parking structure on Powell.

They think kuffs and bukovsky. Shit. Why me?

He's in the elevator. I'm gonna cut him off. Cover me!

Wait a minute. Wait!

You call that coverage? You didn't wait for me.

All right, he's gettin' away.

This time cover me, okay? This time, run!

Okay, go! Go! Sure?



You don't stand a chance, guys. Drop your weapons and come out with your hands up.

Jesus! [Groans]

How the hell did you guys find us? Cab company.


[Bottle clattering]


[Sirens wailing]

Flyin' through the air. Super baby!

Whoo! Whoo.

Look at that little face. Hello!

What beautiful eyes.

Rockette. [Chuckling]

Well, obviously, I never actually made it to Brazil.

Ted and the chief's wife decided to go instead.

The chief was pretty angry about his car, now, wasn't he?

What'd he do to Teddy? He went, bing, bing, bing! Yes, he did.

Yeah, I decided to stay in San Francisco and marry Maya.

I really loved her all along, you know.

See, this is our daughter, Sarah.

Say hi to the folks right there, Sarah.

Hello-bee. Hello.

I thought you were giving her her bath.

No, we were waiting for you.

Oh, come on, Sarah. Daddy's a big silly. There she goes.

Oh, my pretty baby. Come on. Let's go take a bath.

Let's go take a bath, Sarah. Come on!

[Sighs deeply] Bah-dah-bum.

My piglet. Are you mommy's girl?

My life!

Well, she came up with the idea...

Of me taking the high school equivalency exam...

So I could keep the business.

Believe it or not, I actually passed the thing.

And then we decided to expand.

So we borrowed a little bit of money from her parents...

And, uh, bought a whole 'nother district.

Yeah, she's a clever girl.

Women. If it weren't for them, there'd be no civilization.

See ya!

#I don't want to live without you #

# oh, no I won't walk away #

#I don't want to live without you #

#no one could ever take your place #

# there's a road #

# ooh, ooh #

#a road I've got to take #

#don't ask me why #

#some day # # ooh, ooh #

#it'll all be worth the wait #

# ooh, ooh # #my love #

#now I'm caught in the fire #

#and I'm too hot to hold #

#but I won't leave you out #

#in the cold hey #

#I don't want to live without you #

# oh, no I won't walk away #

#I don't want to live without you #

#no one could ever take your place #

#I don't want to live without you #

# oh, no I won't walk away #

#I don't want to live without you #

#no one could ever take your place #

#I don't want to live without you #

#nobody, nobody # #I won't walk away #

#I don't want to live without you #

#no one could ever take... ##