L.A. Slasher (2015) Script

Law enforcement officials have had the hospital under lockdown since she was admitted earlier today.

She was discovered wandering the Hollywood Hills with multiple stab wounds and dressed only in blood soaked bandages.

The victim has been unable to identify her attacker at this time.

Thousands of fans have flocked to social networking sites to express their sympathy, while others, strangely, are not so sympathetic.

I've never seen so many cute boys on the beach at one time.

Wait a minute, why are we all by ourselves?

They were just intimidated.

That is so true.

Wait. Two cute girls looking for boys. Whoo!

Okay, girls. Let's call it a night.

No point in this bloody rain.

Would somebody get me a blanket?

I'm freezing.

Hey, are you coming?

I'll catch you later.

L.A. is in such a sad state these days.

It's always been the go-to place for people talking bullshit, but this...

This is a whole other level.

Reality TV.

The birthplace of the moron.

Some of us laugh with them, but most of us at them.

All you have to do is act like a jackass and the offers will start rolling in.

Welcome to Hollyweird.

Famous for being famous? You know what?

I think it's time these people learn the true price of fame.

-Hey. -Hi.

-How are you? -Good, how are you?

I'm good. Thank you.

Hey, ladies.

What can I get you?

Can we just get the usual, please?

And can we turn this off?

This song really hurts my head.

Yes, of course.

So, my agent called.

Yes. Okay.

And they want me on that show I was telling you about.

My God.

I know. Isn't it crazy? I'm going to be on TV.

Okay, you're always on TV, but...

Yeah, but always for the wrong reasons.


Now at least they'll get to see how amazing my personality is.

And how sweet and humble I am.

-You know? -Yeah.

My Twitter followers are going to be insane.

I should totally try and hook you up.

Yeah, I mean, I've actually already been there, done that with reality TV and...

I'm already a household name.

So I'm concentrating on my serious acting and hip hop career now.

So I definitely won't do reality TV.

I mean, you'd be really good.


Well, you'll just have to wait and see.

My God, save this weather.

I was laying out in the sun earlier, I can't believe I've spent a lifetime away from this.

My God. I could not imagine being pasty white all year round.


Thank God you have that spray tan.

Well, yeah. I mean, obviously I've spent my 21 years out of the sun, which means I'll have naturally wrinkle-free skin, like, forever, unlike everyone else around here. So...

That's what Botox is for, girl.

Because I really want to throw this party, I hooked up with this hot DJ last summer and he can probably have a friend.

And, they love English accents.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I can't go anywhere without getting loads of attention.

Same. So annoying.

Yeah, it must be really annoying, people pursuing you for your English accent all the time.

So, anyway, this is the address you're going to.

Thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, I mean, you know if my parents found out they would kill me.

I mean, like, actually kill me.

They think I'm, like, this princess.

So, I wanted to ask you I was thinking about changing my look up and going blonde for the show because I feel like blond really accentuates my eyes.

What do you think?

Like if all of it was blond?


I mean, aren't you in, like, one episode for 15 seconds?

I mean, like, you'd look great whatever.

I just mean don't go red.

You're such a doll.

I know.

Glucose, sugar, and...

Close. One more.


You already had that one.

A 14-year-old girl walks into a hair salon carrying a Twinkie.

She sits down, hairdresser puts a plastic cover on her and starts cutting her hair.

So the girl kicks back and starts eating the Twinkie.

Not realizing that the hair that's being cut is dropping onto the Twinkie.

The hairdresser is trying to be polite.

He says, "Young lady, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."

The girl jumps up, she smiles real big.

She says, "I know. I'm getting tits, too."

I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with...

Rhymes with...

It rhymes with street power.

Street power.

Street power.

Press you for an answer.

Man, I can't think with all this pressure.


Tree flower.

What the fuck is tree flower?

It sounds like something that would go into a Twinkie.

Why do you always give me a hard time?

Flour. Flour. It's not something that grows out of the ground.

It's not something that has fucking petals.

Flour. F-L-O-U-R. Flour.

I don't give a fuck anyway.

Why are we sitting here playing guess what's in the Twinkie, and don't eat that shit anyway. It's fucking horrible for you.

It'll give you cancer.

You must be the bullies?

You look like bullies.

I'm here for the, you know...

One sec.

I'm here for the exchange.

Okay. First of all, I think everybody needs to calm down and then we can get on with business.


No thank you.

Like I said, if we could just get on with the exchange.

Exchange. That's the first time I've ever heard it called an exchange.

But I like it.

It's classy.

I've never actually done this before.

And I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do.

I'm a little bit nervous, actually.

So if you could just walk me through this.

I'll walk you through it, honey.

Don't worry. I'll walk you through it, honey.

Here. This should take care it.

Okay, I'm so confused. I should be paying you.

My reputation precedes me.

You've been walked through.

Thank you.

Fuck off.

Get the fuck out.


Aren't we gonna get no pussy?

Just eat your fucking Twinkie, man.

Look, you can't avoid this forever.

I think if you agree to rehab, the judge might be lenient with you.

Remember, you're not the star you were anymore. You're another nobody.

That reality show doesn't count as an acting job.

It's time to give up the dream and get a real job.

Hey. the grizzly discovery in the Hollywood Hills.

The mystery continues to unravel as someone calling himself Here you go.

The LA Slasher has claimed responsibility for the violent attack on the reality TV star by posting an incriminating video online.

The video has already gone viral.

It was posted earlier today.


Hey, sugar tits.


How are you doing?

Good. How are you?

I'm good. I'm really good.

Hey, I saw that reality show the other night.

Really? What'd you think?

-That shit is awful. -Great.

Why'd you even bother?

Hey, you should be doing one of these movies up there.

There might be a role in it for you if you show me how much you really want it.

-What kind of movie? -It's like a horror movie.

-A horror movie? -Yeah. We're taking it to Cannes.

You been to Cannes?


So, you know this party we're doing?

-You mean the one I'm doing? -Yeah.

I'll bring all the right people. It'll be crawling with celebs if you make it worth my while.

-You know what I mean, gorgeous? -I'm good.

-All right, well, enjoy your night. -Absolutely.

-Bye. -Take it easy.

Leave a message.

Hey, babe. What are you up to?

I lost my voice. I went to this rager.

It was amazing. You should've been there.

Hey wait, I'm at work.

So, what'd you end up doing last night?

Hey, did you hear that girl who's supposed to guest star on our show next month?

I mean, small fucking world, right?

That's kinda crazy and kinda scary.

Anyway, guess who I ran into at the club tonight?

That creepy ass producer guy.

I don't know about having him organize our party.

I kinda feel like it's going to be a bunch of lame old dudes hanging around, just gonna sit around and stare at us.

I know. Like I don't get enough of that at work.

Anyway, let me let you go. I'll call you later.

I have a hot date tonight and I got to get ready.

But I love you lots. Mwa. Bye.

That's awful.

I can't believe all these people are in my house.

I know. I am so Tweeting this.

I know. I'm sorry. But it's kinda funny, right? I mean...

Who invited all these people?

Probably a Facebook invite or something.

Is there any men here?


No, dude, I know. It's like Star 80 on steroids or something.

No, seriously, it's creeping me out.

Someone sent me a link to all that shit he's been streaming online.

-Did you watch it? -Hell no.

I act in horror movies for a living.

I don't want to watch that shit in real life.

But, hey, on the upside, they'll probably be making a movie about this soon.

This party is so tragic. It's actually kind of funny. It's kinda entertaining.

My God, I totally see that douchebag producer over there.

-Hey, girl. -Why do you still hang out with him?

I... because he's rich.

That's disgusting.

I know. He is disgusting.

And now it's raining.

-Are you kidding? -Like it could get any worse.

Yeah, this party sucks.

Do we have to stay at our own party?

I don't know. Want to go eat?

It's not funny. This is my house.

We should just call the cops and get them to empty it out.

No, but I mean, come on. It will make for a good story.

You know what's an even better story?

What if The Slasher showed up tonight?

My God, you would love that.

-Did you watch the news last night? -Yes.

You're sick in the head.

No, I'm just all about entertainment.

I mean, it's kinda crazy.

I mean, it could be anybody here.

Yeah. Maybe it's you.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm The Slasher. Who will be my next victim?

That girl over there.

What? The one with the weave?

Or the one with the Payless shoes?

How's my hair? How's my tits?

Another one? You look great.

You ready?

Let's go eat. Come on. I'm starving.

I'm not leaving all these people in my house.

Lock it up, let them stay on the roof, let's go grab some food.

I'm, like, dying for a milkshake.

Look at this girl.

The infamous star of numerous accidentally released sex tapes was attending a party with friends at this home.

Several witnesses state she had not been seen since around 11:30 p.m.

Excuse me. Sir?

Can you tell us what happened here tonight?

Yeah, hey.

Well, they wouldn't let me in the party, but I stuck around because that smoking hot chick from one of those sex tapes was here.

But I heard someone drowned.

I mean, someone killed that girl.

You know, you are one pretty girl. Is this Channel 6?

I usually watch Channel 4.

Exciting development.

You know, I got a few comments I could throw in.

I wasn't done talking. If y'all let me say a few words.

Because I know y'all's doing that promo for America's Got Talent.

I couldn't make it, so I was thinking you give me the microphone and just show off some of my singing abilities. Wouldn't that be pretty cool?

-I mean, you're not talking into it. -Seriously?

What's going on, guys? We're coming at you raw right now.

You might know this girl from...

Well, you know where you know her from.

I wasn't supposed to do that?

All right, man, I hope she gets home safely.

I don't know. I want to see another tape.

I jerk off to her sometimes.

Like you don't jerk off to her. Whatever.

Hey, it's me.

I know we haven't spoken in a long time.

It's your agent, by the way.

I just wanted to call to say it really sucks about what happened at your house last night. Well, to the girl anyhow.

On the other hand, this is fantastic. You're all over the news.

No such thing as bad publicity. Am I right or what?

Thank you, thank you, my wonderful darlings.

It means so much to myself and my delicious little wifey here to have you welcome us to our new life in Los Angeles, of course, with such wide open arms and such friendly loving smiles.

This stuff is fucking incredible.

It's the same sort of thing we have every week darling, but thank you.

You're talking about the food?



Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

You being a good boy? Who's a little sweety?

Hey. Who's a little sweety?



Aren't you dead yet?

Sweetheart, why don't we have a little talk outside?


I'm grounded.

You're what?


That's too funny. Seriously?

No, but you're coming, right? You have to come.

You have everything on you.

Yeah. Babe, seriously, they're, like, really, really mad.

So one of those guys was, like, huge.

And he was really really rude to me.

And the other guy thought I was, like, a prostitute.

Seriously, you can get your own stuff next time.

And by the way, in other news...

I just had the best and worst dinner party of my life.

Hey, what's with you?

Nothing. I'm good. Like, I'm great.

You're acting kind of strange.

You better save some for me.

I have no idea what you mean.

Look, just get your ass down that drain pipe ASAP, okay?

I'm sure you're going to be flying off that shit anyways.

Seriously, I'm not sure. Like, I feel like shit.

Shut up. Get over here, like, now before I go over there and tell your parents a shitload of stuff they don't want to hear about their little princess. Okay?


Give me an hour.

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry about yelling at you earlier.

I shouldn't have done that.

But I just really want to see you tonight.

Call me back.


Hey, hon.

I'm sorry about yelling at you earlier.

I shouldn't have done that.

But I just really want to see you tonight.

Call me back.



I'm actually just leaving this event. I had to make an appearance.

I'd really love to, but I can't tonight.

I have actually to, I have to go home and feed my dogs.

Yeah. All right. Bye.

It's me. Where the hell were you?

I'm on my way home.

Just get your cute butt over as soon as you can, okay?

I'm here with one of the biggest pop stars in the world.

Thanks for joining us.

Have you been following the news about the L.A. Slasher?

I mean I've heard about it. I don't follow that shit, though.

Do you have any messages that you want to send to the victims of the L.A. Slasher?

Wait, yeah. Maybe if they had any talent, everybody wouldn't hate them and the Slasher wouldn't have gone after them.

Ouch. That's pretty harsh.

Do you think the Slasher would ever go after you?

Why would the Slasher possibly go after me?

I actually have talent unlike these other fools he's going after.

Speaking of talent, you've been in the spotlight a lot, for everything but your music.

Can you tell us what's been going on?

Whatever. Just trying to have a good time.

I'm so pissed I didn't win a Grammy, which I totally deserved.

Only now I don't even care.

People are unfair to me.

They make up stories about me to make me look bad.

Reports have surfaced that you've been spitting on your fans.

That is so no true. I love my fans. I bought them hot chocolate and let them listen to my new song.

And reports of you peeing in a restaurant mop bucket and cursing a former president?

You know, sometimes people make mistakes.

Haters just try to tear you down.

Just trying to stay positive, you know?

We also heard a lot of controversy with you speeding through the neighborhood that you live in.

Your neighbors must hate you.

That's the risk you take in the same neighborhood as a superstar.

I mean, they should just know to look out for me. I'm royalty.




Come here, girl!

You know not to go outside.

Come here, girl!


Cinnabun, come out!


What's going on, lovely people?

We got some raw footage to show you that just hit the net right now.

Just a head's up. It might get a little gnarly for some viewers.

Twerk it, girl. Twerk it. Hip hop it out, baby.

Don't make me come over there.

Damn. Look, all right, we're making a public shout out right now to all of you to stop using any and all social media that might be helping this L.A. Slasher fool.

I mean, we're getting a lot of stories coming out.

It looks like this dude is no joke, all right? For real.

L.A. Slasher is for real. God bless.

Yo, can we run that tape again? She was hot.

Please, sir, whoever you are, we urge you, bring our daughter home A child of privilege, yes, I give you.

But she does not deserve to be punished.

Bitch, please. She needs to be put in her place.

Look, I'm actually doing you a favor.

-You're an animal. -She's our only daughter.

You're an animal.

Any... any amount of money. Any.

Everybody hates reality TV, but they watch it just so they can tell you about how much they hate it.

Whatever problems you have, change the channel until you find somebody who's worse off and then suddenly your life doesn't seem so bad.

Let me tell you something, it is that bad.

Life just keeps going round and round, only you have to clean it, wash it out.

Wash out the shit.

The mayor has spoken out against the L.A. Slasher today and urges the public to disregard any material that's been posted online.

The Mayor is quoted as saying the L.A. Slasher is a despicable menace to society.

He's just another fame chaser looking for his 15 minutes.

I'm despicable?

Look who's talking, you fucking man whore.

What would your wife say?



Mama mia.


Look what I got for you, pal.

Look what I got for you.

Lots and lots of this.

A lot of money.

This is a five. I'm going to keep this.

Okay, Martin.

Wish me luck.



Buy me another drink.

We're out in the middle of nowhere.

I know. I'm not really sure where the nav is taking us.

Why didn't he send a driver?

I don't think they can afford one.

God. Let's just hope your lovely car doesn't cut out on us.

I've had this car since I was 17.

It hasn't failed me yet.

I love this car, but like you said, you've had it since you were 17.

And this is not the place we want to break down.

I mean, what if the Slasher is out here?

Don't you think it's ironic that he's picking on girls who are kind of exactly like us?

Since when does everyone just want to be famous?

-No way are you smoking that in here. -Really?


God, you fucking health freaks.

Let's just do a little blow.

-My God. -Stop.

-You just killed my lady boner. -Lady boner?


Aw, isn't his accent just really cute?

In a short bus kind of way.

No, we are not drunk... yet.

-Hey. -Whoo.

So you're making a movie about this.

Yeah, I'm thinking about making a movie about this Slasher guy.

That's how you make money. Horror movies.

Ass sewn to mouth.

All in the name of fun.

Yes. Those are actual films.

-With scripts and you know... -Yeah.


Are you going to put your pants on first?

I'm taking my pants off.

See? I'm comfortable.

You think this is the casting couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I don't think so. -It's going to take a little bit more...

Come on. Who wants a fucking role in the sequel or not?

Are we being punked?


-Okay, let's stop. I'm getting out. -Driver!

We're fucking late. I can't believe we're fucking late.

This is only going to take a minute.

You know none of us are going to fuck you, right?


My God.

I'm going to get out.

Going to find out what the fuck is going on.


Hey, buddy!

Move this fucking piece of shit.

I got a fucking red carpet, got some babes in the back.

Move your fucking piece of shit.

Maybe I wish the Slasher would come for me.

Aw, sweetie, you're not famous enough to be abducted.

But how cool would that be if we were actually abducted?

Our ratings would go through the roof.

But speaking of, we really do need to get our ratings up.

I mean, reality TV is no longer real.

It's totally scripted.

This is real.

Yeah, he's really killing people.

Yeah, but who cares? These are, like, worthless people.

They contribute nothing to society.

So it's okay for them to die?

I mean, who's really gonna miss them?

We are those people.

It's like he's trying to get rid of anybody who just wants to be famous for five minutes and has no real talent.

It's like some kind of weird social statement about everything that's wrong with the world.

Well, I actually think that's a great statement.

I didn't do anything.

Well, hello, ladies and douchebags.

Thanks for joining me. It's so nice to have you here.

First up, auditions.

Yay. We all know you're not famous for your talents, but just for shits and giggles, let's see if there's a brain beneath all that makeup.

You're not auditioning for some stupid TV show here.

No, no, no. This is much more important.

Best get to running those lines and practice, practice, practice.

And you, Needledick, you're going to film these girls.

But this time you're the one who's going to be naked.

You're going to get what you always wanted, a worldwide hit.

The police are working around the clock to remove all the videos placed online by the L.A. Slasher.

However, the online auditions have already attracted millions of views.

I think that there's a lot more to me than just being from a very wealthy family.

I'm famous, and I'm very well liked.

Very well liked.

Raging rock and...

Shall break the locks of prison gates.

I think I should be a star of the show because... well, a lot of people want to watch me.

I could play...

I definitely think it's my great sense of style.

I have great hair, and I like to have a good time.


Why are we doing this?

Three, two...

A looming fear increases that the Slasher's antics may be building to a climax.

And we are out. Whoo. Good job.

Here we go. Here we go.

Hurry up. Come on.

Sorry. Sorry. Here we are. Here we are.

Stress level's high.

I've got a great idea.

Let's hear this one.

I'm going to go on Twitter so I can tell the world where I am all the time.

So I can get into the tabloids, like, all the time.

You're crazy. This sounds like a grand plan.

Lighter. Thanks.

Take that in.

Let it in.

It's fucking moronic.

They might as well give the guy a map and paint a big fucking X on their foreheads.

That's a bit drastic.

All right, come on. Let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Come on.

Hello, lovely people.

We're here today talking about the L.A. Slasher How super exciting. The critics' reviews are in.

Your performance was like a big freaking horse's ass.

It's full of hot wind. I don't know whether to slap that thing or sadly want to feed your head.

Fucking love you, dude.

We like his mask.

We love the mask.

I don't know. I don't know if anyone's saying it, but is it just me or is he doing a good thing?

Hey, Sugar, forget the talking.

Keep the moaning with a big juicy cock in your ass.

We love the L.A. Slasher. We like what he's doing. We love it.

I mean, I don't know. I'm not going to arrest a garbageman because he's throwing away my garbage, you know what I'm sayin'?

Stuck up English bitch. You think you're prettier than me?

You make me go fucking... On my fucking fat thighs.

Yo, L.A. Slasher, we love you. Fuck those reality stars.

Fuck those reality stars.

Golddiggers get famous overnight.

I mean these people are stupid.

-They're reality TV stars. -Who gives a?

God, you're pathetic.

A teenage girl desperate for fame.

Let me see, I can't sing and I can't dance.

I know, I have a womb. I'm going to get myself pregnant.

You fucking bitch. So now you got a baby.

And the next spark of genius that pops into your little fucking pea brain... porn. I'm sorry.

I mean, sex tapes, because that's a little more refined.

Why don't you show your loving family what you've been up to these days. Use it.

Enjoy it.

Potato. Potahto. You're a fucking whore.

You should be used to this by now.

You love people watching, right?

Don't tell me you're ashamed.

Look, if you don't watch, she dies.

This is it, bro.

We're the big cats.

King of the jungle.

Tigers, man. Fucking tigers.

We're lions. If we're kings of the jungle, we're fucking lions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hakuna matada. We're top dogs, baby.

Before we go talking about the dogs, let's finish talking about the cats.

Hey. My cousin's giving us the crown, bro.

Your cousin's in prison... bro.

I told you, if we to do this, we're going to do this my way.

Direct, protected, and right under the radar.

I've got a lot of sex appeal and, you know, I just really bring the boys out to play.

Well, a porcupine walks straight through a pride of lions.

And the cubs may attack because the cubs are fucking idiots and they don't know any better.

But the elders, the elders are smart.

They know better.

Mr. Porcupine is armed. Mr. Porcupine is ready.

Mr. Porcupine will pierce right through their skin and fuck them up.

See? We're the porcupine.

So we're porcupines, amigo.

Not the lion.

Or the tigers.


Wake me up when we get there.

The mayor of Los Angeles remains missing.

And speculation increases that the mayor may have been the latest victim of the L.A. Slasher.

Hey, it's me.

Where are you?

I've been calling you all day.

The show's looking for you.

Look, this isn't funny anymore.

I'm coming over.

I just want to be the first to say from the bottom of my heart, who gives a? She's a stupid bitch, right?

Who cares? Hey, Slasher. Good one.

Hey, Channel 6. Do you see a direct link between the victims?


They're all hot.

-Do you feel safe on the streets? -I'm safe.

I don't have a damn thing to worry about.

Who do you think the Slasher's next victim will be?

I hope it's not a hot blonde.

Kardashians got it coming, I gotta say.

There's no victims.

Is there anybody else you think has it coming?

Do I even need to say the word Snooki?

-Have you watching online? -I follow the news. Yeah, of course.

-Of course. -I have.

You find it entertaining?

All up until the end.

Are you watching the clips online?

I've seen a few of them, yeah.

Are you afraid of the clips that you've seen?

Not at all.

People like watching train wrecks. It's ridiculous.

Do you think these people had it coming?


So, you agree with what the Slasher's doing?


I think they're pretending to be real, but they're really not real.

They just want attention.

Yeah, it's kinda like Greece with the Coliseum.

We're just watching people kill each other for fun at this point.

We've come full circle.

Somebody help me!

Everyone is so sick and tired of seeing your stupid fucking face.

And by the way, why do you call the paparazzi every time you have to wipe your fucking ass and then act like they're bothering you?

Don't forget, they helped you get you where you are, you fucking idiot.

In all the time you spent typing away on Twitter and posting selfies and pictures of your fucking breakfast burrito, you did not use your fame for a good cause or to help anyone else.

You could have rescued a cute furry fucking cat from a tree, or help an old bitch lady cross the street or something.

You got married just for the TV ratings.

Do you even have a soul?

You know, a dog is a huge responsibility.

No. No.


No, not my baby. No, please. No, not my baby.


All right, sweetie.

Make him sit.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Sit for mommy. Sit for mommy, baby. Sit!

Sit for mommy, baby, please!

Sit. Sit down now.

-Dear. -That's a.

Sit, buddy, sit.





I have a really big fan base.

And I have a lot of followers on Twitter.

Okay, welcome to the midnight meeting of Killers Anonymous.

I'm your fearless leader tonight, and I'm a killer.

I've identified myself as a killer.

Anyone else here a killer? If so, signify by raising your hand.

Good to see you guys here again.

Mark. Quentin.

Big Joe, it's good to see you out on probation again.

You're a solid dude.

I would trust you with my life. I mean that.

So, anyway, that's my share today.

I've got six minutes, so, Delores, you want to give me four and two, time that.

And remember about the can, of course, the fumes.

Remember what we said? Okay?

Okay. So I've read the big red book, and I was thinking about the fourth step.

You know, we talked about triggers and what sets us off.

You know. You know what I'm talking about.

Things that really get to you.

Anyway, I think it was Thursday. I was cooking a chicken.

You know, I'm getting ready, cooking dinner.

And I'm cutting the chicken up. I got the knife in there between the breast bone and the thigh.

And the fucking knife sticks in the bone.

You know what I'm saying?

You know how that feels, you know?

When you get the knife stuck in the bone like that?

I mean, it just... It just...

Hey, sir, welcome.

Welcome. This is the midnight meeting of KA.

Do you want to join us here? Yeah.

Come on in. Got a seat here for you right next to Big Joe.

Don't need to be afraid. Come on in.


Hey, we're here every week at midnight.

He's probably afraid. He'll be back.

So, anyway, I was saying this set me off.

And then later in the week I'm at the dog park and I swear I was not stalking anyone.

Guys, it looks like it's a sad day in the world of autotune pop music.

As one of the world's largest pop stars got abducted today.

From a gym. Can you believe that little bitch was at a gym?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love your music.

I do. I love his music.


Better grab a seat.

I love party games.

Why am I not surprised at you, you fucking rich bitch?


Can anyone hear me? Hello?

Look, the sun rises in the east, sets in the west.

We gotta go east, I'm telling you.

It's east.

Fucking lost in the middle of the fucking desert.

Fuck. Fuck.

The sun's over my left shoulder.

We got to go... It's gotta be east.

Okay. I can't believe they actually want me to broadcast this bullshit.

Poor girls, evil men, are you fucking kidding?

Do they have no clue who these people are?

They're the villains wasting your time, my time, with their pointless shit and their fucking idiocy.

Fucking idiocy. Here we go.

We're on in three, two...

The hunt for the Slasher continues across Los Angeles as the families of these poor victims plead to the public for any information.

The beloved popstar's spokeswoman said earlier, quote, "He plays a huge role in the artistry of this city and without him we are weak."

You know what? I'm done.


Mommy and Daddy's money can't save you now.


You've bought your way out of trouble so many times, You must think life is just a big party.


Please leave me alone.


Tell me, who do you hate more, your friends or your enemies?

Or is it hard to tell when you're stabbing them in the back?

Fuck you, bitch.

That feels good.

Everybody knows me for having a lot of money.

Well, it's my daddy's money, but it's mine.

Just moment's ago, a 2000 Honda Civic was found, which is believed to be the vehicle of the L.A. Slasher's latest victim.

Look, we got some news for you.

Another chick got taken today.

Reality TV star. She's hot as fuck.

Ass and titties. I don't know why she's gone.

I'm sorry, I got a little emotional.

She's hot. Let's get her home.

All right, I'm sorry. Peace and love.


No, don't you fucking touch me.

Don't you fucking come near me.

No, get away from me.

Don't fucking touch me.

My God. You are the worst of them all.

You have destroyed marriages, grabbed headlines, dragged names through the mud.

And I want you to know how that feels.

I'm going to leave you to work that one out, genius.


No. No.


Hi. You're going the wrong way, you stupid bitch.

Go that way, please, because this is a cat and mouse game.

And you're the little mouse and I'm the big fat cat.

So, move along. Go along.

Go ahead.

Come on, honey.

That way.


Hey. Hey!

Can anyone hear me?


Please, I need help!

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Please!

Come on, please help me!

Come on. Come on.

Come on!

It's bullshit, man.

Freezing my balls off.

Hey, relax, man.

According to this map, it's right around here somewhere.

What the fuck you mean relax?

We're out here trying to find an underground drug lab in the middle of the desert with an X marks the spot map at night with a fucking torchlight with the say so of your goddamned cousin who's in prison.

Why? Because he fucking got caught selling said drugs from said lab.

So excuse the fuck out of me if I'm a little anxious at the moment.

Hey, what the fuck was that?

Who's out there?

It's probably just a coyote.

Or an alien.

Jesus. Fuck.

I'm so fucking sorry you got to find out this way.

Dispatch. Patch me through.

This is narcotics division officer number 3-0.

No fucking way.

Just let me help this woman.

Then we can talk, bro.

I'm your bro now?

Fuck you.

Come on, baby.

You, of all people, know you don't need to be afraid of me.

Come on.

You understand me.

Thank you, baby.

More tears are shed on reality TV shows than in all the funerals of the world.

And it doesn't matter if the tears are real.

Or if the tears are fake.

You, my friend, have been sucked in.

Bamboozled. So enjoy that, people.

Because like it or not, this is us.

We're a people of savage sentimentality.

Weeping and waiting for fame.

I do not believe I did anything illegal.

I just want to say one thing to the American people.

I did an awful awful lot that was wrong.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

I never told anybody to lie.

Not a single time. Never.

These allegations are false.