L.A. Story (1991) Script

My name is Harris K. Telemacher.

I live in L.A. and I've had seven heart attacks... all imagined.

I was deeply unhappy but I didn't know it... because I was so happy all the time.

I have a favorite quote about L.A. by William Shakespeare:

He said, "This other Eden... demi-paradise..."

This precious stone, set in the silver sea of this earth... this realm... this Los Angeles.”

Anyway, this is what happened to me... and I swear, its all true.

Watch out L.A.! It's major gridlock out there this morning.

Big hold-ups on all the freeways and surface streets, so don't expect...


Hey!

No, no, no, no...

Harry! It's the perfect situation!

I'm telling you as your agent. I can't be in a parade!

I'm in the news. You won't see Diane Sawyer or Dan Rather... in the Hollywood Day Parade. 15 seconds to air!

Oh, 15 seconds... What good is it gonna do me... to stand in a convertible and wave at people?

It's gonna make you beloved.

Waving is not what I do best. It looks fake.

That's a great wave! That's a great wave!

Look, I have to maintain some dignity. People have to respect me...

So they'll believe what I'm telling them.

This is news! This is truth!

Now, Harris Telemacher with his report.

Hey, hey, hey, it's time for the wac-wac-wacky Weekend Weather!

Let's look at our weather map. Oh! Hey! Whoa! Watch it! Oh, sorry.

We're going to have a low coming in over "Pasadna..."

Sorry, that's Pasadena... A low here...

No, down there... We were going to have clouds... in Beverly Hills, but the Council voted, decided against it.

So there'll be no rain in Beverly Hills. We'll just have some sun... and snow... 72 and snow. That's what we'll have.

And now the car phone report.

Sunspot activity is at a minimum this week.

So those with car phones will have little or no interference.

So go ahead and make that big important call. You probably won't be disconnected.

And that's my report. Gail and Bob...

Harris, somebody told me you have a PhD. in Arts and Humanities.

Oh, yes, I do. A lot of good it did you!

Harris, what's wacky?

What's wacky? What's wacky about your last forecast?

To me it was pretty wacky. No, not wacky.

Not wacky? Yes. That's we bought with you, yes.

You're doing some kind of intellectual stuff.

Intellectual stuff? Maybe intellectual for you... because you were educated with a banana and an inner tube.

Are you kidding? This is an intellectual free zone!

More wacky, less egghead. More wacky, less egghead...

Thanks, thanks. Let me make a note of that.

"More wacky, less egghead." What was your name again?

We're late, aren't we? It's only one o'clock.

That's what time we're supposed to be there. You know, it's my mistake.

If I say lunch is at one, then I figure if I get here at 12:40... we'll get there in plenty of time. Which is fine.

But what I don't count on is the 20 minutes of abstract busyness... that goes on after I get here. I'm doing 30-minute lips.

Besides, they can wait. It's not gonna kill them.

What I can't figure out is that you look ready.

You look so ready that I get ready... and I get up, I stand by the door, and I get out my keys.

Then, after I stand there about 10 minutes, I realize you weren't ready at all.

So I sit back down. Then I get another feeling that you're ready... and I getup and I straighten my clothes.

Then I realize you just gave off an illusion of being ready... that I interpreted as not being an illusion.

I'll be in the car.

Sitting there at that moment, I thought of something else Shakespeare said.

He said, "Hey, life is pretty stupid..."

With lots of hubbub to keep you busy but really not amounting to much.

Of course, I'm paraphrasing.

"Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

You look nice.

Do you like this one better? Uh, yeah.

I can change. No, that's all right.

Tell me again who we're having lunch with?

Friends and friends of friends, and some of my gift-service clients.

Frank will be there. Frank? I just saw Frank.

He wanted me to be in a parade.

I mean, if it weren't impossible for me to fire people...

I'd get somebody else, somebody like Harry Zell.

It's 1:20 now. 20 minutes past the hour of 1:00.

If you sense something in the air today, it's not the smog, Los Angeles.

It's the first day of spring, the spring equinox.

Which of course means... What did he say?

He said, it's the first day of spring. Oh, shit.

Open season on the L.A. Freeway!

Where is it? Look in the glove compartment!

Here it is! Is it loaded?

Just two bullets in it. Load it! Load it! Hurry! Hurry!

Get over! What's the matter...? These are old ones. Do bullets go bad?

No, it's not like milk! They don't have an expiration date!

Hurry! Here!

Don't point it at me! Sorry, I don't know gun etiquette!

You son of a bitch!

Better not ruin our brunch!

Reload! Okay, all right!

Be careful with it! Sorry!

Don't point it! You little cooker!

My hair! Did I leave my blue pants at your apartment?

Yeah. I took them to the cleaners.

I'm not gonna kiss anyone hello anymore. I hate that.

Just shake hands with them. I just washed my hands... and some guy feels like he's been squashing caterpillars.

Cowls, party of ten.

Uh, yes. You're the first ones to arrive.

Right this way, please.

Hi!

Hi!

Harris! How you doing?

Fine...! No, you don't.

I hurt my back playing tennis.

Oh, hit I think it was. We saw it together.

So, I see the film, and I'm gonna give it an 8 or a 7.

As I'm leaving the parking lot, I realize that Thurlon, the producer... got this incredibly good space right by the exit... and they put me far away in the back.

So I go on the air that night, I give it a 3.

Good for you.

Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.

Oh, you're taking a course in conversation? Yes.

One of the first things I always teach my clients is about the point system.

You should never have more than seven things on.

Your earrings count for 2 points. Those daisies count for 3 points.

The best thing to do is, right before you go out... look in the mirror and turn around fast.

The first thing that catches your eye, get rid of it.

I mean. I had this thing in my hair before I left... and I pulled it right out. 'Cause as soon as I turned, gone!

Marilyn Monroe did that.

Whatever you do, don't ever get dumped in LA.

It's not like New York where you can meet someone walking down the street.

I know, in L.A., you have to hit someone with your car.

I know girls who speed just to meet cops.

We met on a hit in West Hollywood.

Loud talkers in restaurants. That's it. I despise them all... and I want them to die. There's Sara. Sara's here.

I don't understand why we don't shoot them like dogs.

Bullet in the head. That's personal.

Because they're people. They are not.

Oh, please... Hello.

Hello. I thought you were lost.

I was lost. Come in.

Let me sit you down.

Let me introduce you. This is Sara McDowell.

Harris, Trudy. Hello, hello.

Frank Swan. Hello.

Shawn. Hello.

How do you do? This is Cynthia.

Sara just got off a plane from London. You must be exhausted.

I'm shattered, but it's nothing some sleep and a good fuck wouldn't cure... as my sister used to say.

You have to forgive Sara.

I'm sorry. It was just a figure of speech.

I've been on a plane for 12 hours, next to a crying baby.

That's bad.

So what do you give the flight? What?

On a scale of 1 to 10? Oh, an 8.

What would you like to eat?

What kind of food do they have? California cuisine.

And these goddamn wrong number dialers! What the hell do we do about them?

Sara, what do you do?

I'm here writing an article about Los Angeles for the London Times.

Well, you've come to the right place.

What do you do, for a living, Rolly? I deal in English paintings.

Abstract or realistic? It depends on which way you look at them.

What's this?

It's an earthquake. How strong is it, Harris?

I give it a 4.

So when an executive needs a gift for someone...

I get to go shopping, and I pick out something that's appropriate.

In fact, I gifted, right?

Sherman, Lee, and Rosenquist's entire office last Christmas!

Sherman, Lee... I think I received something from them.

- A stun gun. That was me!

You did the stun gun! Yes. Monogrammed!

Oh, great. Did you get it monogrammed?

'Cause that was me. Somebody else was doing that.

You know, she oughta interview Harry Zell. Who's Harry Zell?

Harry Zell is the most powerful show business agent in town.

Beyond powerful. He's the fixer.

Well, he's supposed to be nice. He'd be a great client.

He'd never stab you in the back unless it was in self-defense.

He's right. He's right. Napkin?

There was a Zell on the police force. I think it's Harry, also, isn't it?

I keep thinking I'm a grownup, but I'm not.

It'll have a decaf coffee. I'll have a decaf espresso.

I'll have a double decaf cappuccino. Do you have decaffeinated coffee ice cream?

I'll have a half double decaffeinated half caf with a twist of lemon.

I'll have a twist of lemon. I'll have a twist of lemon.

I'll have a twist of lemon, please. It'll have a twist of lemon.

I would love to do a makeover on you.

I hope your nose turns out.

As far as I'm concerned, there are only three mystical places in the world:

The desert just outside Santa Fe, New Mexico... the tree of life in the Arab emirate of Bahrain... and the restaurant at the corner of Sunset and Crescent... because that's where I first met her, and that's where I first touched her.

Isn't that girl Sara awful?

I mean, what's with that accent? She has an accent because she's English.

Or maybe she's just trying to impress everybody.

Oh, like that big phony Winston Churchill.

About what you said in there... What?

About getting some sleep and having a bonk. Oh, dear.

Listen, if I say that sort of thing again, tie me up and gag me.

We tried that once, but you started laughing.

Leave off, Roland. There's a dear.

You've come all this way. I'm so grateful to you.

We really should give it another try. I'm completely happy the way things are.

I'm finally getting my life sorted out. I'm so passionate about you.

Damn all convention. Let me take you for a hot dog on Sunday.

Your ticket, please. It's the cream thingy there.

It's late. I've got to go.

Bye!

And she kept her hat on all through brunch.

I'm sure she has bad hair.

I don't think you understand how unattractive hate is.

Excuse me! Hello!

Thank you. Can I ask you a question?

Sure. Do people here get up early or late?

It depends. Why?

If a person were to be making a lot of noise, what time can they start?

What kind of noise? Like construction?

No, like deep, sustained booming sounds.

Deep, sustained booming sounds. Around 9, 9:15.

Great! Thanks! Bye! Bye!

She's used to driving on the left.

Hey!

Oh, God...

I'm sorry! I was... I was just concentrating on...

Yeah, I know what you were concentrating on.


Do you like those? Yes...

Oh, sorry. What? Your pants.

Do you want me to mark them for you?

Oh, I don't know... Are these the same price as these other ones?

Nope. These are a little bit more.

How do I look in these?

You look fabulous in these.

Okay. Mark them. Okay.

You have to stand up straight, or they won't be right.

Right.

Do you like a break in them?

A little.

About like that? That's fine.

That's fine.

Okay.

When can I pick these up?

Just about anytime you want. Is Wednesday all right?

Yeah, fine.

I'll just slip out of these. Okay.

There are two events in my life that I consider to be magical... that couldn't be explained scientifically.

The first of them was about to happen.


Hi.

"Ruok"?

"Don't make me waste letters."

Are you okay?” Oh, "Are you okay"? Yeah, I'm fine.

What?

Who are you?

I can see that.

I'm being filmed. I know I am being filmed.

All right.

Is this a joke or something?

I see people in trouble, and I stop them.

L.A. wants to help you.

How am I in trouble?

So what do I do?

You will know what to do when you unscramble...

"How daddy is doing?"

What?

Oh, do it again!

"You will know what to do when you unscramble...

'How daddy is doing'".

Well, I'll work on it.

Bye. Bye.

The sign spoke to me.

Said I was in trouble.

If you're talking to signs, you are in trouble.

So I'll see you Sunday? I got a shower Sunday.

Oh, yeah, and I really should take a bath. Monday?

Pick me up at 8:30. 8:30? Doesn't anyone eat at 6 anymore?

Bye.

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! It's me! Quiet!

Will you be quiet?

Good night, doggy.

Who's "daddy"? Who's "daddy"?


An entire block in North Hollywood had to be evacuated today... because of a shower of tennis balls.

It seems the cargo door of a low-flying aircraft bearing the tennis balls...

Ready.

Mom. Say name again.

Mom. Say name again.

And what a surprise this weekend when the weather turned unseasonably low.

Here's Harris Telemacher, our wacky weatherman, with the report.

And when the weather dropped down to 58 degrees this weekend... how did you cope? I just made sure the windows were shut.

What about your pets? Were they outside? What happened?

The cats were out till around 10... but it got a little too cold for 'em, and they came in.

The cats were out until around 10... but it got a little too cold for them, and they came in.

Well, that's how L.A. coped with that surprise low of 58 degrees... that turned the weekend into a real weenie shrinker. Thank you.

And now, the toupee report.

Winds 5 to 10 miles an hour... gusting to 15 miles an hour in the late afternoon.

So I would either stay indoors or wear a hat.

This is Harris K. Telemacher with the wiggy weekend weather!

Hello. This is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally.

Please start talking at the sound of the beep.

Hello? Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Is this a person? Yes, it ls a person.

Harris Telemacher? Yes.

This is Sara McDowell. I don't know if you remember me.

We met at lunch. Oh, yeah. You're the reporter.

Journalist. Yes, and you're the weatherman.

Meteorologist, yeah. I hope you don't mind me calling.

I just got your number from Trudy Cowls.

I was watching you on TV. I'd love to interview you for my piece.

Oh, English, French, or Italian? You speak all those languages?

No. If it were Italian or French, I'd be out of it.

Bugger!

Ready.

Dial Mom.

Domino's Pizza. This is Julian.

- Our specials for today... Sorry... Sorry...


Want some trail mix? Fruit? Cookies?

Ariel, how do you stay thin with all this food you have around here?

I don't know, I guess women burn fat faster than men do.

That's a disgusting notion. That's my friend...

Smart, pretty, and quite a little fat burner.

You're just jealous. No, no. I could never be a woman.

I'd stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Where's June?

In her room, recovering from the aftereffects of alcohol.

Want some juice? Sure.

You can be my taster. It's a new mixture for the shop.

Hello? This is Ariel.

Hey, kiddo. What's up?

Sounds like a job for Supergirl.

It's exactly like licking a shag carpet.

Okay. I'll bring your stuff down in about an hour. Bye.

It's great being the boss. Can we take your car...

So I can leave mine for June?? Sure.

Boy, are you gonna have a rough day. There's coffee in there.

Hey, Harris. God, was I stupid. Have some juice.

I'll make you some eggs. Can you hold on a sec, Harris?

Sure. The museum doesn't close till 5:00. I never learn.


Go!


This is my way of keeping busy.

I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time.

History will decide.

Hello. Hello.

You're on time. Actually, I'm late.

You're exactly on time. But I had planned to be early.

Hey, stop. Don't. Stop.

Let me pose, at least.

Listen, I had this idea. Rather than do an interview...

Hang on.

Rather than do an interview with me, which would be fascinating, by the way... because of the interesting word usements I structure...

I thought I'd show you around town a little bit...

A few kind of secret places, a cultural tour of L.A.

There's the first 15 minutes, then what?

All right, a cynic. First stop is six blocks from here.

Why don't we walk? Walk?

A walk in L.A.!

Architecture. Some of these buildings are over 20 years old.

This house is Greek revival.

They revive the Greek every morning who lives in it.

Here's a Tudor mansion and a four-door mansion.

You're really nobody in L.A. unless you have a house with a really big door.

I'll take you over to the Museum of Musicology.

Verdi's baton.

Mozart's quill.

Beethoven's balls.

Come on. I'll take you over to the graveyard. Lots of famous people are buried here.

Rocky Marciano, Benny Goodman, and, of course, William Shakespeare.

I think he wrote "Hamlet, Part 8: The Revenge" here.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, hello. Whose grave is this?

Mine.

No, I think he means, who's going to be buried here?

What's his name? Not a he, Miss.

All right, she. Not a woman, either.

Used to be a woman. Now she's dead.

Finally, a funny gravedigger.

Want to know how long it takes a body to rot?

Boy, do we.

If they're not rotten before they die, eight or nine years.

Some of them Beverly Hills women, they'll last you 12 years, they will.

How come? Their skin is so tan.

It's all stretched and polished up like a bloody shoe.

That'll keep the water out.

And water's the thing that'll ruin a perfectly good dead body, it will.

Also, they got them extra parts, you know.

Some of that stuff, it's not biodegradable.

Oh, now, here's a bloke that's been around for 35 years, I bet.

Who was he? That's a magician. The Great Blunderman.

Not so great now, is he?

Great Blunderman.

I knew him.

He was a funny guy. Taught me magic.

A fellow of infinite jest?

Yeah. That's it.

"He hath borne me on his back a thousand times."

She knows. She's got it!

"Where be your gibes now... your flashes of merriment that would set the table on a roar?"

Ordinarily, I don't like being around interesting people... because it means I have to be interesting, too.

Are you saying I'm interesting?

All I'm saying is that when I'm around you, I find myself showing off...

Which is the idiot's version of being interesting.

Are you seeing anyone now?

Yeah.

Me, too, so that's sort of out.

Can I have your friend's head back, then?

Sure. Sorry.

I should get to work. Me, too.

Bye. Bye.

Cheers. Come back!

They all do. Don't they?

Hey, hey, hey! What a weekend! We've got sun, earth, and atmosphere!

When you've got that, you've got weather!

Good weather! Sun! Sun! Sun! Sun! Sun! Sun!

Yes, it's going to... Wow!

It's got my watch! Turn off the magnet!

I've got it! I've got it!

Geez...

Okay. We got... Turn off the magnet!

And now, the financial report.

89 Mercedes, up 400 dollars at $28,640 dollars.

Used '88 Mercedes, unchanged at 26,100 dollars.

And... cut.

Okay, let's run it back, see what we've got.

You'll run that for me on Saturday, Jesse?

Harry, should you really be pretaping the weather report?

The weekends are very tough for me to come in.

You can imagine my busy weekend schedule.

Besides, this is L.A. What's going to change?

There are two reasons for the ridiculous detour I was about to embark on.

So I'll see you tomorrow! Thanks!

Are you closed? Yeah, sorry.

The first reason was, I believed a relationship with Sara was impossible.

Wow.

And the second reason was, I was a big, dumb male.

I came to pick up some pants. Yeah?

You sold me a pair of pants and a tie thing.

Yeah, I remember. You just wanna pick 'em up?

Yeah. I can get 'em for you.

That'd be great. Save me coming back.

Would it be so bad if you had to come back? I don't have my ticket.

That's okay.

I remember what they look like. I'll be right back.

Thanks. Oh, God, I'm getting all wet!

I'll be right back.

They're not ready yet. Want us to call you when they are?

Yeah, that would be great. What's the number?

Oh, I'll write it.

Do you have any paper? Um, no. No.

Here.

Okay. It'll have them call you when they're ready.

Probably just be tomorrow. Okay.

Okay. All right.


Expecting a call?

Were you shocked? Shocked, but glad.

I could tell you that you wanted to ask me for my number, so I just asked for yours.

But I didn't know I wanted your number until it was too late.

I went to this psychic once. I don't really believe in that stuff... but he told me I have this special fifth sense about things.

I mean about guys wanting your number...

I figure that any guy would want your number.

Oh, that's sweet!

Hey, Wacky Weather Guy. How you doing?

Hi.

God, I can't help but be nervous out here.

Why? You're not doing anything wrong. I mean...

You must have a boyfriend. Oh, he doesn't care.

I mean, he can't care.

He gave me this big speech about how even though we live together still... he thinks that we should be able to see other people...

So I said, "That's okay."

But it backfires on him every once in a while.

Where is he now? He's over there at the bar.

What? Don't worry about it. his is his idea.

Are you kidding? Stop it! Come on... This is him! Right here!

Hi.

Do you want my phone number? No. I don't want your number.

That'd be a disaster. If I had your number, I might call you.

It's 555-2312. Say it back.

No, stop. I don't want to know it. 555-2312.

Stop. You're gonna make me memorize it. Say it back.

No! 555...

2312. Geez, now I know it.

555... 2312.

What was your name again? Sandee.

I'm sorry. Sandee. Sandee. It's a nice name.

Everybody has such weird names now. It's like Tiffany with a p-h-i... and instead of Nancy, it's Nancine.

It's "S-a-n-D-e-E". What?

S-a-n-D-e-E.

Big "S"... small "a"... small "n", big "D"... small "e", big "E". And there's a little star at the end.


When I got out of class, I decided to call you.

What class are you taking? I'm studying to be a spokesmodel.

What is a spokesmodel?

Just a model who speaks. She points at things... like merchandise, like a car, or washer and dryer...

Sometimes it's really small, like a book or fine art prints.

They have classes for that? Yeah, cause it's a lot harder than it looks.

Hi, my name is Bob. I'll be your robber. Hi, how are you.

Thank you very much. How long are the classes?

About three hours. What made you want to be a spokesmodel?

I always liked pointing.

Why won't you sleep with me? People don't sleep with their ex-husbands.

It happens all the time. Who know... it might be just like it was. Roland, that would be terrible.

Oh, come on, Sara. We're a perfect match.

Just because my mother hunts with your mother doesn't make us a perfect match.

That's not what I'm saying, for God's sakes.

Your mother shot my mother. That's so unfair. It was an accident.

With a 12-bore shotgun? It was only in the foot.

You're the only normal one in the family, and you're just barely hanging on.

Remember when your mother found out whose dog kept crapping in front of the house... and put their name on a little flag and stuck it in the center of the pile?

These are not things grownups do.

I'm the only sane thing in your life. Yes, possibly.

I want you back.

I'll cook for you. I'll sew for you. Just give me one weekend with you.

We'll go away and see how it is.

Will you come?

I went roller-skating once, at the Brooklyn Rollerdrome.

It was awful. I was completely out of control.

I couldn't stop, I couldn't turn.

I went slamming into this 8-foot-tall black guy... in an emerald green satin jump suit with matching skates.

I said, "I'm terribly sorry. Could you help me?"

He looked down at me with deeply stoned eyes, and he said:

"Little lady, let your mind go, and your body will follow."

Well, how was that?

It was very nice. Thanks.

Well, I hope I wasn't too young in my thinking for you.

What? Joke.

Hi, Julie. Hey, SanDeE.

I don't put any pressure on you, do I? Not at all. I don't pressure you, do I?

No. I just don't think there should be any pressure.

Tell me if I pressure you. Okay. You, too.

But don't feel like you have to. Okay.

Have you ever had a high colonic?

Pardon me? A high colonic.

You mean an enema? Yeah.

I keep waiting for you to say, "Joke." They're great, they really purify you.

There's this place in Santa Monica that do it.

Oh, they're great!

Is this where you live? Yeah. Here.

It's really groovy.

Well...

Good night. Good night.

Bye. See you.

Hello? Take me off that goddamn speaker phone!

Relax!

It's just a modern-day device. I have to see you.

You were with someone else last night? Yes.

There was no shower? There was. I didn't go at the last minute.

Having sex with my agent again? I have told you a thousand times...

How did you know?

I was right? I was right?

I was making a bad joke. My agent? Frank?

And this is how I find out? You tell me?

He isn't happy about it either. We just decided I should tell you.

God, I thought he was only supposed to take 10%.

We were here. Then aftenwards...

After he made love to you, what?

We went to the Hard Rock Cafe. What time?

I don't know... 11:00, 11:30.

I felt I had to tell you in case anyone saw us there.

It was a dumb thing to do. How long has this been going on?

Three years. Three years?

I'm sorry! This has been going on since the '80s?

I'm sorry. I just can't be here right now.

Yes, yes! L.A., I love you!

I'm out of my relationship. I'm out of the agency.

I only had to look like a sucker for three years!

Now if I could only get out of doing the weather.

Will you stop just predicting stuff?

Have you always been a freeway sign?

I mean, did you start out as a stop sign, and work your way up to a street light... then become a billboard?

"I believe I was reincarnated from a bagpipe."

Oh, all right.

If you get your voice back, will you stop predicting?

Yes.

"The weather will change your life."

"Twice."

Hey, so I pretaped the weather report, and some weekend sailors lost some boats.

Big deal. If they're rich enough to have boats... they're rich enough to lose them. Besides:

What kind of an asshole sailor would trust The Wacky Weatherman anyway?

This one. You lost your boat?

Yes. You're fired.

I never want to see your face again.

I said I never want to see your face again. You're fired.

"The weather will change your life twice."

That's once.

Hey, Harris. Heard you and Trudi broke up.

I always figured your relationship was a 2.

If confusion about your love life Is ruining your day...

It's good to go to your best friend's house and ruin her day, too.

When I really analyze it, Trudi wasn't for me anyway.

The only good times we had were having sex and laying in bed watching TV.

That's a good turn. I hate to tell you this, Harris... but if you can find somebody you can have sex with... and lie in bed and watch TV, you've really got something.

What happened to my plant?

Anybody else out there on the horizon?

There's someone I like, but it's impossible.

Does she like you?

I don't know. Why don't you call this SanDeE girl?

At least you'd have somebody to take places.

Thanks a lot. It was great!

So... what do you think?

I think it was a total washout.

God, It really clears out your head!

Head? Head? You should go back and tell them they're doing it wrong.

Well, it was a great luncheon enema. Thanks.

So are you going to see me again? Yeah, sure, if you want to.

When? Um, Friday... Is Friday okay?

Yeah. Okay. Where do you want to go?

There's this new restaurant, it's supposed to be really great, it's on Sunset.

Um... L'Idiot? L'Idiot. I've heard of that. Sure.

L'Idiot, you and me on Friday.

Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday.

Saturday?

Out of the question. Sunday? Ah, good. 8:30?

530 or 10:30?

5:30. How would you like to pay?

Visa. What do you do?

I'm a weatherman. Are you on TV?

Yes, I'm on TV! Are you renting, or do you own?

Renting. I just sold a condo.

What? In this soft market? Yes, in this soft market!

What do you earn? I don't see how that's any busi...

In the low 50s.

Yeah, I could meet you there at 3:00.

I have Visa and I have MasterCard.

They all have Visa and MasterCard.

I think what Mr. Pardue is looking for is more than a promise to pay.

I think he's looking for a kind of depth in your financial sea, so to speak.

Let us make this easier.

Suppose you get a reservation.

And let us suppose you come down to the restaurant, and we honor it.

What do you think you might order?

Well...

I might like to have the duck.

You can't have the duck. You can't have the duck.

Why?

You think with this financial statement like this, you can have the duck?

Where do you summer?

What do you mean? Where do you spend your summers?

Right here. He can have the chicken.

You can have the chicken.

What about my date? I can't tell her what to order.

You can certainly urge her in one direction.

Look, either we go there, and she orders what she wants... or let's forget it.

All right. I like a little gamble.

We can take you in... eight weeks.

Hi, SanDeE, listen, I've heard some bad things about L'Idiot.

I went down there to check it out, and the chef had a big open sore on his lip.

Yeah, I know, I know I did. I'm really sorry.

What if we went away for the weekend, like Santa Barbara?

Totally beautiful!

Roland thinks L.A. is a place for the brain-dead.

He says if you turned off the sprinklers, it would turn into a desert.

But I think...

I don't know... It's not what I expected.

It's a place where they've taken a desert and turned it into their dreams.

I've seen a lot of L.A, and I think it's also a place of secrets.

Secret houses, secret lives, secret pleasures.

And no one is looking to the outside for verification... that what they're doing is all right.

So what do you say, Roland?

I still say it's a place for the brain-dead.

Why do you have to be so snotty?

Really, I think you're just being superior.

I've met some pretty intelligent people here in Los Angeles.

Good Lord! God! I'm sorry! Are you...?

Hi.

This is one of the people I was telling you about, you know.

Harris Telemacher, this is Roland Macky. You met at lunch.

Have you tried the Guggenheim? I get that.

Because it's circular and goes downhill.

I got it! Oh, hi!

Oh, Ariel, this is Roland Macky and Sara McDowell.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I loved your wacky TV bit.

Thanks. I loved yours, too.

But I didn't... I can explain.

I see. It's a thing that I do regularly.

That's marvelously funny. You have a lot of verve.

Verve?

Would you like to walk around with us?

I like the relationships.

I mean, each character has his own story.

The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to overlook things like that... in these kind of paintings. But... the way he's holding her... It's almost... filthy.

I mean, he's about to kiss her, and she's pulling away...

The way his leg is sort of smashed up against her.

Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent.

You can just make out her breasts underneath.

It's sort of touching him about here...

It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think?

Then of course, you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway... like they're all shocked.

They wish.

I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.

Well, that was terrific.

All those paintings of food made me hungry.

I could eat some paintings of food myself.

Well, it was fun. Yes, lovely to meet you.

Great running into you. Good-bye.

Bye. Bye.

What were you doing in there? That's the girl I was telling you about.

Well, you've really blown it now, pal. Why don't we all go somewhere for dinner?

I've heard of this happening, where you meet someone coincidentally... and end up going out to dinner with them, but it never happened to me.

This guy loves me. Everybody does, Harris.

We'll stop by L'Idiot. I've heard about that place.

I should warn you, we'll never get in L'Idiot, it's impossible.

There's a phone. Back in a jiff. Suit yourself.

I gotta meet June. I can't go with you. Do you think they could take you home?

I don't want to impose. It's no problem. We've got two cars.

Ariel, excuse me, are you coming?

No, I can't. Dinner for three.

It's all set. How should we do this?

Why doesn't he come with me, since you know where it is?

Yeah. I know where it is, and she doesn't. That would be perfect.

So I could tell her where it was, because if I went with you... there would be two people in one car who knew where it was and one who didn't... and we'd end up drawing a map or something.

Unless, I drove your car, and then you went with her.

Is Roland your boyfriend? No. Just friends.

That's good. I mean, it's fine. It's fine that I can drive with you.

Right side! Get on the right side!

Stop! I don't think he can hear you.


Your usual table, Mr. Christopher? No. I'd like a good one this time.

I'm sorry. That is impossible.

Part of the "New Cruelty"? I'm afraid so. Table 253.

The "New cruelty"... Yes, what do you want?

You like to hear our specials? I'm going to tell you what we got to eat We've got primavera pasta, six different kinds of meat We've got side cuts, end cuts, covered with a goo Called hollandaise, bearnaise, and we can broil them, too Gee, I'm done already, and I don't remember eating.

We got crab cakes, zucchini flakes, artichokes, and more Santa Barbara oysters on a bed of grilled radicchio Spicy guacamole and a brie quesadilla We got goat cheese pizza on a blue corn tortilla Floss? I'll have floss.

Diet or regular? Regular.

We got hot bread, milk-fed veal and new potatoes And a hundred different ways to cook a couple of tomatoes If the service is a problem cause the place is packed Ask for me, I'm Sham, your waiter, and I also act Oh, forget them! They're nobodies!

I'll take you home. I love close to you. What?

I live close to you. I'll take you home. The cars are here.

I'll take him home. He lives close to me.

Are you sure? Oh, yeah. No problem.

All right, that's perfect, since I live in the Valley.

Maybe I should take a cab. Drive over was a bit risky.

Don't be so silly. Get in.

Sara, promise you'll see me this weekend.

I will. I promise.

See you at the weekend. Bye!

Bye!

Right side! Right side!

It was fun. Yes, it was.

I like Roland a lot. Yes, he's nice, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah. I think it's interesting that you can have a relationship with a man... you know, that's friendly more than sexual.

So... good night.

Good night.

The car's rolling. The car!

It's locked! It's locked here, too.

Your side is locked? Where are the keys?

They're in the car, of course! What're they doing in the car?

They're in the ignition...! How'd it get looked?

I didn't lock the car! Of course you locked it!

We'll stop it from rolling! Stop it? Are we on a hill?

Yes, but it slopes the other way. Pull!

No, I got it! I got it. I got it.

This will get it!

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God...

I think I know what this is. My God.

Get in.

What? Get in.

Certainly I'm not! No, it's all right. You can trust me.

I'm not getting in! No, no. I didn't threaten!

Here!

It's all right. Stay in, stay in!

All right. Just...

I think we're fine. Don't claw me!

You get over here! Let me not drive!

What makes you think you can drive better than me?

I've been driving for years!

This is the sign I was telling you about.

What is it? Harris.

I think I figured out the moving car. You know what it could be?

I read an article in the Times on induction.

My brothers found out you can generate electrical currents in rabbits if you...

pass a strong magnetic field along their body, so what it could be...

My head hurts.

I think I should go.

Do you want to come in?

Why?

Yeah. Sorry. I'm moving too fast.

But we should see each other again, don't you think?

Yes!

I suppose. Yeah.

Uh, well... what's today? Thursday.

The weekend?

I should tell you I'm supposed to see my ex this weekend.

I'm sorry. I promised. It's a deal.

Yeah. Oh, God! I've got a few things to untangle myself this weekend.

My mother throws this bridge luncheon, and I really should be there.

I'm supposed to go to this fund-raising dinner tomorrow.

It's formal, you know, but I thought maybe to take a hog like you would be... fantastic.

Not a date. Just a do. You interested in that?

All right.

All right? Yeah, all right.

Great. So I'll take that as yes.

Okay. Great.

Bye. Bye.

I think it's wonderful you see your mother. It reminds me, I should call mine.

Yeah. You've got your ex, and I've got that whole bridge thing.

Hello? Hello, Mum.

Hello, darling. How are you?

I'm fine. Are you busy? Yes. I'm making 56 papier-mache hats.

Do you feel like playing something? Always, darling. The usual?


Night-night, Mum. Night-night, darling.


Hi. Hi.

You play the tuba. No.

I used to. I do, but not know.

I mean, I was before you arrived. I did.

I've forgotten something. Just a minute.

Ready!

Are you all right? Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

I'm just going out too much. I shouldn't be going out tonight.

Do you know how the feeling is when you go out too much.

You feel like you never stay home. Are you upset about last night?

No, not at all. I think I understand it.

My car started moving, and 10 minutes later, your tongue was in my mouth.

That wasn't my tongue. That was a lozenge.

My mouth shouldn't be accepting other people's lozenges right now.

You're a passionate person. You just keep denying it.

You're covering up. Why don't you relax and give in to it?

Well, you don't. What?

I can hardly contain myself when I'm around you.

I'm practically tap-dancing every time I see you.

Well, yes, that's the trouble.

You're roller-skating, you're amusing yourself, your friends, and me.

It's just a lot of noise, isn't it? What do you mean?

We all have ways of preventing ourselves from getting hurt.

That's just yours. Are you saying we should forget it?

If that's what you want, fine. Fine.

Full service or self service, Harris? Full service, Tony.

Full service!

And I knew it was a great project.

If the city were willing to partially finance my private museum... it would be a great bonus for the people.

And so, I met with Ron.

Ron...

I toast you.

Are you all right?

I just feel a little dizzy.

What's the matter?

I should get some air. I just feel nauseous.

I'll take him outside.

And Ron felt like I did.

What's the matter? I don't know.

Something in my stomach, or my head, or my heart, or something.

Is there anything I can do?

Oh, no. I can't. This is how Mummy met Daddy.

Let your mind go, and your body will follow.

And now, let us all move forward with great enthusiasm... to build the greatest private museum in the world.

Are you feeling any better? Much better, thank you.

Yes, thanks.

We didn't know what to say to each other, so we wandered down Melrose... and had the kind of small-talk conversation... necessary to cover over what had just happened.

The station wants me back. They want to try serious news...

Oh, yeah? With me as the anchor.

No laughing or chit-chat about it. I'm kinda nervous about it.

So there I was, jabbering at her about my new job as a serious newsman... about anything at all... but all I could think was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... and most wonderful, and yet again, wonderful.


Hey!

Who wrote the Tonight Show theme?

Uh, Paul Anka. Yes!

Oh, God. Where are we staying when we get there?

I just... Don't bounce for a second.

I just came to tell you this. I can't go away with you.

I just can't.

Shit. I've been seeing someone.

And we got something going, I don't know what... but it just really wouldn't be right for me to go away with you.

I'm really sorry.

Well. So, you're seeing her this weekend?

No. She's got this obligation to her ex-husband... to see if they can get it back together again.

What? She's seeing someone else? Yes! She's going away with him! Yes!

God...! Share how that makes you feel.

Share? Share how it makes me feel? I hate it! It drives me crazy!

I mean, how can she go away with him? Especially since I've been working out!

Look at this, the effort I put into it!

But it is fair. I mean, it is fair... because she had this obligation before we even met.

But you had this obligation before you fell for her.

Why should you suffer all weekend?

No. Just no. So go away with me.

I can't, don't you see? I'd just be using you... to get even with her for going away with him.

I don't mind. Let's go.

Great!

All right. We should be in Santa Barbara in 1> hours.

I booked us into the El Polio del Mar.

It's supposed to be really nice. Oh, my God! It's so beautiful there.

Wave to Jack. Bye! Bye!

Oh, my God, there's a million stars there!

And the beach... I want to spin on the beach.

They have a special beach up there just for spinning.

And SanDeE, I think it should just be a vacation.

Just friends. I don't think we should make love.

Okay. We'll just have sex.

Okay...

What was Sam Spade's partner's name?

Archer. Yes!

I thought we might bump into people we know at the San Isidro.

So I booked us into the El Polio del Mar.

I'm so looking forward to this.

Me, too.

Okay. Who knew Groucho's secret word?

Groucho's secret word. Oh, God... I give up.

The duck? The duck! The duck knew!

"Say the secret word and divide $100."

So when the Wittgenstein House was built in Austria one could say... that philosophy of language had definitely hit the Bauhaus.

Don't you think? I saw the house a couple of years ago.

Okay. Who played the Beav?

Jerry Mathers. Yes!

"O wind, if winter comes, can spring be far behind?"

Beautiful.

Who was Howdy Doody's closest friend?

Buffalo Bob.

Yes! Good!


This is great! Do they have a pool here?

Yes, they do have a pool. You have a pool?

There is a pool right there.

I love this place!


Oh, my God! Isn't this breeze the greatest?

It really feels great.

Oh, I love hotel sheets!

They feel so good against your bare skin.

I'll put your bag in here.

Come here first.

Thanks.

Come here again.

SanDeE, your breasts feel weird.

Oh, that's because they're real.

Let me get this shoe off. Oh, my God!

All right now. I should warn you that... What?

I'm old, and it might take a little while.

Oh, my God, I'm young again!

I'm young again!

It's been great to see you again, Sara. It's been nice seeing you, too.

How are you?

Oh, well... I'm confused.

Hey... listen to this. What?

Listen.

Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh, Roland.

No, no, no. Listen, listen.

What on Earth are they doing in there?

Oh, God. They're going crazy.

Sara...


Before we left, Jack told me he wants to make our relationship exclusive again.

You mean, he's not going to go out anymore?

I don't think he ever did. He could never get a date.

Seeing me going out drove him nuts, too.

What are you going to do? I don't know.

I mean, I really like him, even though he's not so smart.

Listen. What?

Through the wall.

What is it? Somebody's doing it.

Oh, how beautiful.

They're really excited. They must be cheating on someone.

The key.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it.

Are you staying here? Yes, we are.

Well, Sara, there goes our cover. There's no such thing as a secret.

I think there is.

Oh, uh, Roland, this is SanDeE.

Hi. SanDeE, this is Roland.

Hello. And Sara.

Hi. Where are you headed?

To the restaurant. That's where we were going.

Why don't you join us? Oh, that would be neat.

No, no, really, you guys should be alone. Don't be silly.

We can't both sit in the same restaurant and pretend to be alone. Come on.

Oh, cool!

Hello

What's that clanging sound?

It's a nuisance. It's my damn testicles.

Is it okay to spin here? Yeah. Sure.

Shall I get your sweater? I'm a little cold.

Yes, thanks. I'll run up and get it.

Harris, do you want to come with me? Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah.

On second thought, I'll just stay here.

Back in a flash!

You liar. You big, fat liar!

Here I am innocently driving up to Santa Barbara... thinking you're seeing your ex-husband.

Instead, you're right next door giving it to my best friend!

Your best friend? Since when is Roland your best friend?

He and I are very close! You've never seen him without me!

That doesn't matter! There's a bond among men!

Anyway, there's two liars here. Yeah? Roland is my ex-husband.

Okay. One! Hey, you guys! Watch!

Great! Thank you.

Why didn't you tell me you just broke up with someone?

How do you know I just broke up with someone?

When men just break up with someone... they always run around with someone much too young for them!

She's not so young. She'll be 27 in 4 years.

I tried to get out of it. I'm up here with her... but all I can think about is you. That's why you made love this afternoon!

Yes!

I know that doesn't make a lot of sense.

And why me in this? You practically broke through our wall!

You know how that made me feel? Hearing you with someone else?

You didn't know it was me 'til later.

Yeah, but I projected back when I found out!

Coming!

We're so close. We're this close to it!

Stay here in L.A.

What would I do if I stayed? How would it work?

We'd see each other, not push it... take it easy the first couple of days, and then... marriage, kids, old age, and death, I don't know.

And if I were to go?

All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power...

I would turn the winds around...

I would roll in the fog, bring in storms...

I would change the polarity of the Earth so compasses couldn't work...

So your plane couldn't take off.

Coming!

This is everything I didn't want.

Pain... lying... complications.

I'm hot from running now.

Let's all walk down the pier. Oh, cool!

Do you ever wonder why the water just doesn't fly up into the sky?

Do you want this in the trunk or up front? That? Up front.

Hi! Hello.

What's the matter? Are you okay? Oh, sorry. I'm okay.

I've been working on Sara to come back with me.

I'm her ex-husband.

That's the difference between England and America.

The English maintain civil relationships with their exes.

Americans kill them.

She told me today she doesn't think it's right.

Really?

She's evidently been seeing some American.

Yeah. That can happen, yeah. She's not going with him, either.

She decided to go back to London as soon as she can.

Pity.

I so wanted this to work out.

I wanted a relationship, you know... like you and SanDeE have.

I've been thinking about myself... and think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for.

First of all, I'm a man who can cry.

It's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.

I know there's something that would make you stay.

I know there's some move I can make, the right word... attitude, plan, but these are all just tricks.

These are all just things I would think up and try...

So let's forego that!

Let's assume that whatever that thing is that would make you stay has occured... that it has happened and my hand has already gone down your throat... grabbed your heart, and squoze it!

Because there comes a time in everyone's life when it's now or never.

It's now or never. Let me read you from this book of poems.

"O pointy birds, O pointy, pointy..."

And now here's Morris Frost with a cinema review.

The film "Slice Up Mommy'"...

Is an effort to intertwine the psychological nature of film...

I'd like to turn this car in, please.

And now, the weather report.

Sunny.

72.

And that's the weather.

Our next weather report will be in four days.

Thank you. You're welcome.

We'll be right back after this commercial ad placement.

Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins... but we always know when it ends?

Good evening.

Your final destination is London?


That's twice.


Forget for this moment the smog, and the cars... and the restaurants, and the skating... and remember only this...

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

Wow! That was something! That was really something!

It was fantastic!

It was... It had real class.

Is there anything we can do to thank you? I mean, a gift or anything?

Name it.

Done.

I never could figure out the riddle, though.

"You will know what to do..."

When you unscramble 'How Daddy is Doing.'” It's a riddle, too tough for me. I know what it is.

It's an English crossword clue.

"Unscramble" means you rearrange the letters... of "How Daddy is doing." So, let's see...

Put the "S" in front of the "h".

Move the "ing" after the "s".

Put the "do" up after them.

Swap the "h" and the "s"... and put the "I behind the "d" and.

"Sing Doo Wah Diddy."

Sing Doo Wah Diddy, that's the mystery of the ages?

I sat up nights working on that!

But I forgive you.

There's one thing I need to know.

Did you do this? Did I do this?

How did this happen?

Hey, you got your voice back!


There are only two things in my life I will never forget.

One is that there is someone for everyone... even if you need a pickax, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

And the other is tonight... when I learned that romance does exist deep in the heart of L.A.