Laggies (2014) Script

Oh, my God... Freedom.

I feel like my mascara's running, is my mascara running?

It looks good. Like the cover of Courtney Love's album.

You just need a crown. There's a crown.

Hey, Noel, Noel, can we borrow your crown?

We just need it for like a second.

Wow. We just got the royal finger.

I never liked her.

What did we just go through?

I mean, what was that, a prom or a Celine Dion listening party?

Don't shoot this part.

Okay, what is this place? Tell us... You'll see when we get there.

Okay, we're doing 20 questions. What is this place?

Do they have food? Not have 20 questions.

What, you can't just ask a question? Aren't we going to the hotel? I'm very confused.

I just want to say, "Hey, what's up?" to all of the future versions of ourselves watching this right now.

I hope that we all learn to be as happy and beautiful as these two right here

'cause they are going to have the best prom night of any of us.

I just wanna say... Hold on, let me get this.

Tonight could've bit ass.

Except it didn't because we were together.

Don't make me cry. My mascara is already fucked up enough as it is.

You look pretty! Guys, I love our group.

Guys, what are we doing?

Chill out, just live a little.

We're not going to get caught. This is not legal. This is not legal.

Danielle, you're going to love that you did this later on.

And Savannah's getting naked. Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, Danielle.

If we get a rare disease from this water, at least we'll all die together.

I'm not leaving my dress on the wet ground. It's dry-clean-only and my mom will kill me.

On the count of Celine Dion.

One, two, Celine Dion!

No, no, no. You can no longer work on your taxes from 1998.

Yeah, I cannot amend your '98 return. No.

Hi, Dad.

No, no, no, I'm not laughing at your situation.

Yeah. No, there's a strict statute of limitations.

So sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize my dad wanted me to work until 6:00.

I can't believe you're still filling in for your dad's old sign girl.

Yeah, I'm just still trying to figure out what kind of counseling I'm going to do.

Okay, Al, it's show time. Let's see it already.

The decorator just put the finishing touches on it yesterday.

After you!

Sorry. That's okay.

Oh, my God. You have outdone yourself.

This is impressive. I thought you were gonna have, like, a fish tank.

Look at the nipples on this guy.

Oh, my God, we're going to be so popular, Savannah.

That is the VIP section.

We can come any night of the week and have our own special space.

It is so sexy. I love that we get to be VIP! Okay, girls, getting ready...

Let's get this party started. No!

Last one, grab your penis. Thank you.

Turn them on like this.

I love it.

Hey, no, look, my balls won't light up.

Oh, my God, that hat is too much.

I mean it truly is the tiniest hat I've ever seen.

It is, it's like suitable for a mouse.

You need to wear it to your wedding. I can't, I have a veil.

Okay, games, games, games, games. All right, the way this game works is you write a caption for what you think the woman in this scene is saying to her husband.

But here is the thing...

Look, look, look. Look, look. You have to make it dirty.

It'll be fun, it'll be fun, so, all right. Ready? Set, go.

All right, stop.

Stop, stop, stop, pencils down. I will go first.

He said he had a package for me.

All right, Danielle, you go.

I love getting mail.

But I spelled it M-A-L-E.

It's perfect. All right, Meg, Meg, Meg, you go.

All right. So, I wrote...

Hi, Matt, this is to certify that this is the big fat cock I ordered.

Wait, why would you put Matt's name in it?

Well, this is supposed to be about you, right?

No, they're about marriage, they're not about my marriage.

Right, but it's a joke, like everyone else's.

Well, it's not like everybody else's.

It was a joke. It wasn't a prediction. You know.

A joke.

How about we do another one?

And why would you tweak the nipples on the Buddha?

That seemed, like, disrespectful.

Disrespectful to who? To you? Did you convert to Buddhism?

No, that's disgusting. I'm not Buddhist.

It's... That's Buddha. That's Buddha!

Right, right. But you know that was a joke about nipples. Right?

And not Buddhism.

Yeah, Buddha is sacred to a lot of people, but that is...

This is a party, so let's just forget about it.

Okay, yeah, no, forgotten.

I mean, we can do another one of these. Yes.

So this lady has a plunger and there's a butt crack.

Hey. Hey, sleepy head.

Good morning. Oh, wow.

I shot these on Tuesday.

They were such an amazing couple.

They were so open to all of my ideas.

Great. Where is that?

Over in Seattle. We had to go near the shipyards though so we could get something a little more edgy.

'Cause I mean, look at that wall. Yeah.

Hey, weren't you supposed to go to that career counselor today?

Yeah. Yeah?

You should...

Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'll go get ready.


Hello, is somebody there? It's me, you don't have to come out.

What's this?

What's what? I'm just gonna watch some TV.

Megan, I don't think I like this new habit.

I spoke with Anthony, and he said you were meeting with the career counselor today.

My God, I know exactly what she's going to say. It's just a waste of time.

Megan, honey, I don't want to see you throw away your education.

You have an advanced degree. I know.

And your father should have never given you that stupid job because now...

Is that my girl? Hey, what are you doing home?

It's his home.

Taking the day off. Yeah, me too.

Wanna stay for dinner?

Yeah. Ed.

Hey, is it "make your own pizza" night? Sure, great idea.

Yeah. Great idea.

I promise to love you, to cherish you and to hold you and to be the rock in our relationship for the rest of our days.

I promise to be your baby's breath when we wake each morning.

And to be your evening rose at day's end.

And I promise to be your safe harbor when the boat is rocking and when it's not rocking.

I give you the bride and the groom, Mr. and Mrs. Wanamaker!

And here they are dancing to the song Mrs. Wannamaker has picked for their first dance together as man and wife.

My dad used to make yipping sounds when I first started to take you out because he said it was puppy love.

I know. I remember.

Yeah, well, you know, but it wasn't puppy love.

No... I mean, unless we stayed puppies for a seriously long time.

Listen... What?

Look... I know it's taken me a really long time to get here.

What are you talking about?

Okay, well, you know how I took that guy's seminar last month?

Right. Well, I took a personality test.

And the test came back and the type that I am... is a procrastinator. Anth, I mean...

Who makes up those tests? Come on. Experts.

Right. Like really smart people...

But that's not important.

What's important is that I've been such a bonehead in waiting to do this for so long.

No, no! Whoa, get up, get up!

Okay. Get up...

Okay, I'm up, and listen, I know we have had our trouble in the past with recognizing our moments, but this is it.

This is our moment. No.

No, this isn't our moment, this is Allison's moment, this is her wedding.

I know, and it's totally cool.

When I first had the idea, I ran it by her and she was so happy for us.

And today, at lunch, I got a fortune cookie that said, "Carpe diem."

Carpe diem? Yes.

Hey, hey, guys, hey. Megan, can you find my mom?

She has the next dance with Matt. I think I saw her out in the garden.

Yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna come... I'm...

I'm just a second... Right.

Sorry but she has to find my mom.

No, it's fine. Okay. Bye.

It's fine.

I'm going to go and put the rose petals in the bridal suite.

Right this second? Yeah.

Don't you do that just before they leave?

No, no, it's cool right now. Okay, I'll... Later right? Later.

Meg? Meg...

Hey, excuse me.


You look like you party.

I guess I'm technically coming from one.

Cool. So... we can hardly believe this, but we all forgot our ID's.

And I mean, normally we would just go buy some beer ourselves... but I guess we look under 21. Which is crazy, right?

I know. So...

If we gave you some money or something, would you help us straighten this whole problem out and just buy us a six-pack or something?

Oh, God.

You could totally keep the change.


Someone did this for me when I was your age, so I'm going to do it for you.

It's like a rite of passage, right? Yeah.

Yeah, I... I had a good feeling about you.

That makes one of us.

Hey, yo, can we get some coolers too?

And some red wine.

And can you get some white wine also? Thank you.

You don't have to get all that.

Thank you.


Here you go. Drink responsibly. Sweet.

Okay, I'm out of here. Goodnight, you guys.

I'm really sorry. Can I have a look at that for a second?

Yeah, go for it.



God, I haven't done this since I was in eighth grade.

Okay, okay, one more time and then I'm going.

Okay, all right, thank you so much.

Come on, where are you going? Hang out some more.

Come on, stay.

I mean, maybe I've got an hour. Yeah.

What are you up to?

Guys, I'm really impressed. This is truly art.

Oh. Okay. Come on, Megan.

Go right now, go.



You know when you go to a party drunk, and everybody else is sober.

Or no. Or maybe like, maybe you're the sober one and everybody else is drunk.

God, you'd think that somebody who you've known for forever would have known what you meant about nipples, and it's like, hey, hey, maybe... maybe, like, using Buddha as a restaurant decoration is the bigger joke, right?

Or maybe...

Maybe actually they're the ones that are telling the jokes and I'm the one that's missing them. You know?

It makes me really sad what you're saying.

It's sad...

I don't even know what you're talking about but still...

Don't get sad, Misty. I'm fine. I'm fine.

No, no, like, you shouldn't get drunk and get sad. I mean, look at Patrick.

Patrick's sad and he hasn't even touched his wine.

His folks are splitting up.

His dad's being a massive dick in the divorce.

That's why we TP'd his house.

That was his house? Yeah.

So you don't want to go out together as friends then?

Just take the sophomore. You know, just take a real date.

All right, whatever Annika. Whatever you want.

I'm sorry. I just... I totally interrupted.

What, me and Junior?

No, we were just talking about the prom.

You know, stupid stuff.

I saw my dad cheat on my mom tonight.


I think he was about to get a hand job.

Yeah, my...

My mom left my dad and I, like, seven years ago now.

It was out of nowhere. We don't know why she did it.

You know why your dad did it?

I don't.


If you ever want to talk, call me. You're giving me a phone?

I have a bunch of them. Misty's dad sells them.

I just pretty much just use that one to hide stuff from my dad.


God, I don't even know what time it is. How do I... Oh, no...

This one? Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Bye, thanks for the awesome time.

Megan, what happened to you? Where have you been?

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I...

I... you know, I was more wasted leaving the wedding than I knew.

And by the time I got to the store, I realized I shouldn't even be driving.

And then I got sick and I was puking in some bushes, and then my dress got dirty, and then I had to leave the car there and take a cab here. And now I'm back.

I thought you got upset about, we'll call it the kneeling, and that you didn't come back on purpose, but that didn't seem like you.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I got scared, I'm sorry.

I just... I don't know. Oh, God, I'm a mess right now, look, can we...

Can we talk about this tomorrow?


Well, baby, no...

No? No.

We can't. Right.

Because we have wasted so much time... we should have just made it official and our time is now.

I know why you're hesitant.

Why? It's the planning and... the pressure and all the trappings of all that.

But we don't have to do it that way. No?

No, because we...

We can elope. I was thinking.

We don't have to tell our parents, we don't have to tell our friends.

Really? We could go to a beach or Vegas.

I was thinking Vegas 'cause we could just check that step off and we could be married tomorrow.

Would you do that? Would you do that?

Yes. I would do that.

Okay. I would do that.

Wow, we have Matt and Allison's brunch tomorrow.

But we can do it the day after. We can go the day after tomorrow.


I can't the day after that.

What do you mean, why? Why? Why?

My God, I really wanted to...

To go to that personal development seminar.

Wait, really? Yeah.

On Orcas? Yeah, right.

Because, you know...

I'm twirling a sign for my dad, and I... I... don't know what to do with my future.

That's awesome, Meg. Yeah.

I'm so all for that. That's amazing.

You know... They do this thing where they give you an animal to help you visualize new behavioral patterns.

And mine was a shark. And it helped to remind me that I need to keep progressing, otherwise I'll just sink.

Yeah, so...

After your seminar on Orcas...

Will you...

Megan Burch... run off to Vegas with me?

Yes, I will.

You will.

There it goes.

I love you. I love you.

I love you so much. I love you so much.

What happened to you last night? I'm so sorry. I got sick.


She had a few too many drinks and ended up vomiting in a parking lot.

I'm sorry.

Why would you possibly drink that much?

Now you are not in any of the table pictures.

You are missing from the video. Megan Ashley Burch...

You had everyone scared to death. Where the hell have you been?

I got sick.

Oh. She said she got sick.

I just...

I just need to... I've got to go and do something.

It's okay, baby.

Hon. I was just leaving.

Wait... What's going on with you?

What's going on with me? Yeah.

I saw you.

I saw you. So right now I don't even want to look at you.

Let's just quietly talk about this for a second.

Talk about what? I'm sorry, talk about what?

I don't know.

People grow together, they grow apart. It's always shifting.

Oh, right. Three decades of marriage to Mom and you're going to describe what I saw as shifting?


Hey. You okay? Yeah.

Okay. Savannah and Theo want to talk to us.

About what? I don't know. Come here.

Oh, good, there you are. So... Theo and I have been talking it over and even though you guys aren't technically married... you know, you're doing the whole Goldie Hawn thing.

You know, you've been together the longest and you are young and you are fun... So fun.

And, you know, if we're being responsible, you're stable.

And what we wanted to ask you is... Ready?

Would you be our baby's godparents?

Are you kidding? No.

Sure... Yeah, we would.

We would be honored.

See, I told you. Is it official?

You are looking at Juppiter's godparents.

There they are. Juppiter?

Yeah, nobody has that name. No one.

Oddly. I bet not.

Like the planet. Except two "P's," two "P's."

You know, I think this is going to be really good for me.

Me too.

It's like you're having your bachelorette party but at a seminar.

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe you'll get a shark too.

Maybe. All right, bye.

Drive safe.

Bye. Bye.

Hello? Hey, what up? It's Annika.

Huge emergency, could you come down to my school and pretend to be my mom?

Whoa, what?

Yeah, I'm supposed to have this parent/teacher conference today, but I threw the note out. So my counselor said she's gonna call my dad, but he will be super pissy if he has to come sit down here.

So I told them my mom already knew about it but were just running late.

So basically my point is, could you just come down here and pretend to care about me for like ten minutes?

I'll owe you, and I know I already owe you for the beer, but I will really, really owe you.

But, but I don't look related to you.

Maybe I'm adopted. What the fuck does she know?

Probably not much. So will you come?

Hi. My God, you actually came through.

And you have the fake wedding ring. Nice touch.

Mrs. Hunter?



So, I'm becoming concerned that Annika is not taking steps towards her future.

Got it. Well...

I'll be sure to talk to her about it at home.

So, we're good here?

Mrs. Hunter, I realize you must have a very busy life. But...

I was hoping that we could all come up with a plan today.

Okay, sure. A plan. Do you have one?

I don't know. I mean...

It kind of seems stupid to plan that far in advance when you're just gonna change your mind anyway, right?

I mean, say you had a kid, and then you realize you didn't really want the kid.

Was there a pregnancy?

No, she's talking about her mom. Me.

Her mom.

And as her mom, I'd say that...

I'm sure it does seem kind of stupid to make some sort of rigid plan for the future. But...

It's stupider not to start paying attention to who you are and what makes you happy.

Otherwise, you just float.

So... there's the start of her plan.

Good meeting, Mrs. Halpsky. You've given us a lot to think about.

Yes, well... Yes.

So this is kind of an interesting job to have?

What kind of licensing does it take?

Are you questioning my qualifications?

No. No. Never mind. I...

I was just curious. Come on.

You worked her o-ver.

You can take that stuff off now, you know. She totally bought it.

Remember half an hour ago when you said you'd really owe me?

Holy shit. You collect fast.

I need to lay low for a week. Your dad works, right?

So, my dad usually comes home around 7:00, but he's going to some lame, divorcee mixer, so he'll be late.

This is the living room.

And this...

This is Lynn. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, my mom bought her when she saw Finding Nemo

'cause she thought that turtle was cute, but...

Then she realized that this kind doesn't swim.

So she ditched you, too, didn't she, Lynn?

You don't really have to do anything for her. Just don't step on her.

She likes to hide back here. Do I need to feed her?

You can try, but we're pretty sure she's an anorexic.

Cool pet.

So, this is the kitchen. You can basically eat whatever you want.

But this is his box of wine.

So if you have some, use the funnel with the Tupperware and fill it up with a little bit of water. It's what we do.

I don't think he really notices.

And tonight, this guy Dan has invited some people over

'cause his parents are out of town. So if you want to do that, we can do it.

And then we'll just sneak you back in. Okay.

And I'm using Humid. It's a really gorgeous green.

Under. Yeah, on the edge. All right.

You ready? Yeah.

You know, I always wanted to try a smoky eye.

But I thought it might be too much on me.

I don't know. I like it.


Whoa! You're supposed to knock. Write a letter. I don't know you.

Megan. Craig.

She's a new friend. You're supposed to be at that mixer.

Yeah, well, I came home to change so I don't look like a lawyer.


High school students are looking rougher and rougher these days.

Just graduated. God, you can be rude sometimes.

Look, she's a new friend, okay? We're just gonna go to the movies.

Right well, let me know if the teen vampire gets the girl.

And be home by 10. I know I'll be.

You know, why doesn't he just stay out if he wants to be less lonely?

I don't know. Come on.

Is this turning into a college party?

Where's the fucking beer? This way?

Junior! What's up? Hey.

Long time no see since Econ.

Yeah, that goes on around him all night. Yo. Yo, Annika!

Hey. Hey.

Oh, yeah, let's do this!

It's not a party till we start. Who's gonna help me get this going!


Yeah. This is definitely having people over.

Oh, yeah. I've always loved Neil Young.

I just discovered him.

Okay, I'm gonna put the ice cube. It's gonna be good.

Okay, on the count of three. One...


Okay, girls. We need the hoop. Come on. Hand it over. Yeah, thank you.

Hey, I think it's past your curfew, so we should probably go.

This is my mom.

Wow, that's your mom? Yeah, she models for catalogs now.

I've come across them before.

I don't even know who she is anymore.

You don't see her?

We did phone calls for a bit.

It didn't really last.

Do you know where she is?

There's an address. On the child support check she sends my dad.

He puts them in a box labeled, "No, thanks."

God, I'm sorry. I'm really emotional tonight.

I was already upset about Junior, and then I came in here, and I saw her.

You like him? Yeah.

I might even be in love with him. Wow.

Well, are you sure that he doesn't like you, too?

Sure he does. As a friend.

Oh, right.

You know, he's probably checking her tag to see what cycle to wash it in. Yeah.

Megan, can I borrow your car keys? I think I left my sweatshirt out there.

Yeah. Sweatshirt's a really good idea. Thanks.

You know, when I was in high school, there was a guy that everyone said liked me.

It was all I heard about from my friends.

But he never acted on it, so I kept getting unsure.

Well, did he ever do anything about it? Yeah.

Sophomore year, he asked me to be his girlfriend in front of everyone.

And did you like him? Yeah. He was cute. Kind of artsy.

He noticed these details about the world and talked about them in a way that no other high school guy would. And he was always...

He was always taking pictures and... and pulling quotes out of nowhere which I thought was pretty deep.

But, but maybe it was the start of a habit of waiting for other people to make decisions for me.

You know?



Okay. He's going to be waiting inside to do a whole deposition on me.

So just go straight to my room and wait for me there.

You don't have to take your shoes off.

Hey. Where you been?

God! That movie was so long.

Hi. Hey.

Did you find everything you needed? Yeah.

All right, cool.

Are you in trouble?

No. He just made me tell him the plot to the movie we saw.

And then he read the same plot to me back online to see if it matched.

But I just told him a movie I saw last week when I ditched school.

Yeah. I didn't think you had an interest in ventriloquism.

You. Downstairs. We need to talk.

I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

Who are you?

Megan. Burch.

And I get that this can sometimes be sensitive information for a woman, but how old are you?

I'm in my 20s.

And why are you sleeping over at my house?

Or I guess the larger question is, why are you hanging out with my daughter?

It's kind of hard to explain. I bet.

No, I mean, I've never really tried to. Not even to myself.

I like hearing things better when they're not rehearsed.

All right...

I grew up around here. Well, no, I didn't, I mean, you know, across the lake on the east side.

I got "best couple" with my boyfriend in high school.

And I started an alternative dance team with my friends meaning that we danced to Beastie Boys instead of top 40. It was kind of cool.

After college, I worked some random jobs, time went by. I'm gonna skip to...

Okay, I went back to grad school to get my marriage and family therapist degree because I thought I wanted to have honest conversations with people.



I did my internship and I...

I couldn't relate to any of my clients.

I felt like a total fraud.

So, you know, I kind of found myself in this place. Like... this kind of weird in-between place, you could say, you know?

And, I don't know, I was kind of floating.

And then I met Annika at the grocery store, and I skateboarded with her for a minute.

And it was really fun, you know. I liked skateboarding. I missed it.

I think it was just nice to hang out with somebody that cut me some slack for a change.

I'm sorry. This isn't gonna make any sense. This is...

You know, this isn't...

It's not gonna make any sense, so just fucking sue me.

I'm sorry, that wasn't meant to be a lawyer joke.

It's not a joke if it's not insulting.

I don't think I know any lawyer jokes. No, wait, I do. I've got one from my dad.

What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start. Hey, did you hear the one about the grown woman who started hanging out with a bunch of pubescent kids?

No, what? No, I'd never heard of it before either.

Come on, you gotta help me out. So what... What were you like?


Senior year, I was voted "best gorgeousness," and most likely to pump gas when I get older.

And then I realized it would be fairly easy for me to argue for a living if I wasn't doing it on my own behalf.

And then there was this intensely poufy white dress.

It gets a little hazy because of all the tulle or taffeta.

And then there was a kid, and then the taffeta floated out the door.

And that brings us to tonight.

Tonight. What a cluster fuck.

You talking about the mixer? Yeah.

At these things, women insist on touching your forearm in this very deliberate manner.

These touches are meant to communicate gold-star level skills in listening...

In connectedness. Do you know about this kind of gesture?

Yeah. You mean this one?

Yes. Do go on.

Do go on. Right?

Yeah. That's it.

Dad, you do know you can't lecture her all night, right?

She's not a kid. Oh, really?

You snuck your friend into my house, I think you're lacking say-so here.

If you let her spend the night in your locker...

No, that's school's property.

If you let her spend the night in your backpack. Yes. No, that's...

Actually I paid for the backpack. Okay.

So I guess that's my property. I don't know.

Why don't you put a case together. And come back.

All right. When you got something solid.

I'm gonna go to bed. You sure? We can talk about this more.

Okay, goodbye. Good night, honey.

The property argument is inelegant but it ends things quickly.

Listen, I deal with a lot of scumbags on a daily basis.

So I've developed a real appreciation for the truth.

I've gotta think that if you were lying, you'd make up an excuse that's less fucking weird.

You do realize that reverting to a teenage life and sneaking into my house is weird, correct?


And why were you trying to sleepover?

The lease on my apartment ran out, and I can't get into my new place for a week.

And my... my friends...

I just... I didn't want to...

I didn't want to involve them or my parents.

All right...

Fuck it. I'm not gonna kick you out at 1:00 in the morning.

Oh, thank you.

You're not sleeping on the floor of my kid's bedroom.

I'm putting you in the guest room.

Got enough pillows here? Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

Please don't let this decision become bad parenting on my part.

I won't. I really... I really won't.

Wait. He let you stay?

Yeah. I'm in the guest room.

I'm gonna let you do something too, Annika.

I'm gonna let you do additional chores for two weeks.

Oh, no, hey, look, it's my fault she got in trouble.

She's the one who made the decision.

Hey, throw another tart in there for me, will you?

It's your house.

It is my house. You know, I think I'm gonna work from home today because I really have no good reason to trust you.

No offense. None taken.

Yo, your ride is here. Patrick.

What happened to us, man? You don't write anymore.

That's a great shirt. Listen. I know you want to kill your dad.

Sometimes I do, too, but I'm doing my best to keep this case civil on his end, and toilet papering isn't gonna help.

So if you want to take some aggression out on a father figure...

Let's get scrappy, man. So you can move on.

You're a divorce lawyer? Yeah, he's my dad's.

Wait, do you live here now?

All right.

Yeah, we should go to school. Yeah. Dad, stop. Just go.

Thanks for the banana, Mr. Hunter.

Seriously, Patrick. Help me out, okay?

I'm not... I'm not kidding actually.


I think I cracked her eating disorder.


She is feeling so confident about her body.

Yeah. I can see that.

Did you see the mail come? No, not yet.

Show me something. What have you got?

Well, okay, I'm working on a flip.

So you flip it around and...

And then you get on. You wanna go?

Come on. I'm middle-aged.

No, look. Have a go. Come on.

Come on. Okay.

Just sort of like stand there. Okay.

And then you want to stand to make it go, like, this way.


Oh, geez. That almost hit my dick. Okay. That's not good.

Maybe we should get the training wheels for me.

Have a good day, you guys.

Can I trust you? Yes, you can.

Okay, if you need anything, key's under the stone tortoise.

All right. Bye. Bye.

Hey. - Hey!

I was just retouching some guy's back zits

- out of his baby shots. That sounds lovely.

No, it was amazing. It was amazing.

How's the seminar?

It's so weird being away.

I mean, with you being gone, I've just been holed up working, and...

I'm afraid to see everyone.

'Cause I feel like if I see them I'm just gonna crack and tell them.

I've just been pretending to be some complete loner.

When really I'm a secret fiancé.

So are you getting a lot out of this?

Yeah. Yeah, you know...

My animal's a tortoise. Go figure.

A tortoise? That's sweet.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Oh, hey, your dad has left like three million voicemail messages so you should probably call him. 'Cause I'm assuming he doesn't know you're on Orcas.

Oh, yeah, no, I was... I was being a secret seminarian.

- Makes sense. Yeah.

- Wise choice. Thanks. I thought so.

Look, I've gotta go. I gotta go. Okay, right. All right.

I love you. - Glad I caught you.

- Love you, too. Bye, baby. Bye.


Will you go with me to see my mom?


All right.

My God.

What is this?

I don't know. It...

It just kind of felt like something I should do.

God. She's been in there making lemonade for, like, 20 minutes.

I don't think she's coming out.

Just take her and put her in the car and tell her I'm sorry.

And whatever else you need to.

What could I possibly tell her?

That I thought I'd be the really cool mom that took her to concerts, and she'd want to borrow my boots?

But then one day I realized there's no such thing as a cool mom.

That the... cool mom is really just the bad mom, or the mom who has become a joke.

Are you Craig's girlfriend? Is that why you're here with her?

No. I'm just her friend.

What does she expect?

That you serve some lemonade, and you ask her five to ten questions about her life.

You treat somebody badly enough, you just assume they'll be happy to let you go.

She had... Said she had to get something.

So, after I...

You know...

I started doing a lot of catalog modeling, and I ended up doing a lot of lingerie.

Yeah, I know, I've seen your pictures.


Anyway, they send me home with so many things from these stupid photo shoots.

And I just thought that since, you know, obviously, well, you're a growing woman...

And... well, maybe there might be some things you like in here.

Do you like this one?

Yeah, it's really nice.

I think that's about right.

I mean, do you like black? Is black a color you like?

Sure. Great.

Great, I have more. What about florals?

I mean, do you wear nightgowns? Or...

I have thongs. Are you into thongs or no?

I like that one with the bows.

Great. Yeah.

That's cute.

Got room for that? Yeah.

You know, I really needed a strapless bra.

You did?

Yeah. For my prom dress.

It's actually really good that she gave me one.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it's really good.

You should come. Where?

To the prom. Saturday night. It's on this boat in Lake Union.

Oh, no, I've gotta go home Saturday, remember?

You know, I've gotta get into my new place and sort everything out.

I mean, I can't just float around forever.

No. Come on. You belong there with us.

Hi. I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Can I take your order?

Can we have two mondo chococinos and two boysenberry muffin tops. We're celebrating.

10.50, please.

There you go. Thank you.


Hey. Coinky-dink.

Anthony told us that you were working on yourself on Orcas Island.

And that you probably weren't checking your messages, so that's why you weren't calling us back.

Oh, did you call? No, my... my phone's been off.

Megan. You missed Savannah having her baby.

And you are the godmother. The godmother!

Juppiter? Yesterday!

No, and they went with Callisto because someone at the hospital had a Juppiter last week.

Callisto is one of Jupiter's moons.

Oh, I only knew about Io. Yeah, I learned there are 64.

64? Anyway, the baby is here.

And you're not out of town at all. You're not immersed in some seminar trying to get your life moving in the right direction.

You are driving around getting chococinos with...

Who the hell is that? I don't even know who that is.

Meg... Is that your drug dealer?

No. No. I'm not on drugs.

Okay, look, here's the thing.

No, I'm not... I'm not on Orcas Island. But I am on Orcas, if you think about Orcas on a bigger level. Like symbolically.

I just, you know I...

I just needed a second of personal time. You know, I mean, it's a week, but in terms of my life, it's more like just a second to get my shit together.

And then... then I'm going home in a couple of days. Okay?

I feel like I should really tell Anthony that you never left.

What are you talking about? Oh, my God. You're supposed to be my friend.

I mean, it was you and me and Savan and Danielle before he ever even asked me out.

But I'm not going to tell him. Thanks.

Because he bought a ring. And he's going to propose to you.

Yeah. That's right. He did.

I helped him pick it out, and it's, like, incredible.

So I bet that makes you think twice about how ridiculous you're being with this fake Orcas stuff.

Meg... I really want this wedding for you.

And it's not even the wedding.

It's that we're friends.

It's like how our prom, it wasn't just a dance, it was us getting ready together. And then how we all lied to our moms together.

And stayed at the cheap hotel, and went swimming naked in that nasty pool.

And we all thought we were so cool.

But if you had stayed home that night, then... the stories wouldn't have made sense to you.

You wouldn't have been a part of everything that night meant.

I just think now that we're adults, our lives are that times 10.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that I'm not going to mess things up for you. Just...

Don't mess them up for yourself.

All right.

What was that all about?

Oh, she just had a message to give me.

I need to get a baby gift.

Hey. Where you two been?

Megan took me to get some new bras.

How was that? Was that fun?


I'm gonna go and lie down for a while.

All right. Misty is gonna come over and have a sleepover

'cause we have no school tomorrow. No school, why is that?

Yeah, it's a staff development day.

Okay, well, keep Misty away from our valuables.

I was joking. That was a joke.

Yeah. I know.

Goodbye. Want some poppy snaps?

I totally forgot about this guy.

Oh, my God. Herschel Thrasher. What was his mom on?

You really don't have a chance in life if your mom wears a belly chain.

Look at Tiffany Wilmington with her real teeth.

Oh, my God. Who is she dating now?

Kyle Stempano, I think. Is that right?

I really wouldn't know.

I'm gonna go get some snacks, okay?

Okay. Bye.

Later. Peace! Peace!


Hey. Hey.

Come in. Yeah?

Thanks for knocking. It's okay. Thought I'd be polite.

Them's the rules.

Can I complain to you? Sure, go ahead.

I'm so fucking stressed out right now, all I want is a drink.

I went for the box wine in the fridge, and it's funny how much that vintage tastes like tap water.

Yeah, you know, I'm, yeah. The box stuff really is never very good.

So, what are you working on?

A letter to opposing counsel. During mediation my client agreed to give back two of her handguns to her husband, and now she's decided they were anniversary gifts to her.

Wow. That's romantic. Are you gonna win?

I hope so because it would kill me to see a mother separated from her guns.


No, never mind. What?

You want to come get a drink with me?

Now? Yeah.

Well, I'm supposed to be in the middle of a sleepover.

Oh, they're like little animals. They're like gerbils.

They have next to no sense of time. Aren't you leaving soon?

Yeah. One pop.

Be careful.

Okay, we gotta hurry.

Don't slip.

Thank you. Okay.

Hey. Hey.

Anybody here? All right.

Waitress won't give it to 'em. Right.

So he says...

Hey. Hey, how you doing?

Just about closing.

Oh, well, that's perfect for our needs. We just want a round of shots.

Bourbon. Bourbon. Hey. Wow! Like your style.

Thank you. Bourbon in a Mexican restaurant.

Can I get a Pacifico? Of course.

I think doing cheers is cheesy, so if you need to touch glass to glass, use my watch. So do I.

You have time for another?

Yes. Yeah.

Thank you. Twist my arm.

So, what's up with that Junior kid?

Is my daughter in love with that Rico Suave kid?

Whoa, that's friend-friend privilege. Can't talk about that.

Not much going on between the ears on that one, is there?

You know, at the moment, she doesn't need him to be smart. Thank you.

Yeah, I guess it's easier when you're young.

All you need from someone is to feel stupid around them.

What do you need when you're older?

You need to feel like you're on the same side of what seems stupid.

You really like hanging out with her? Yeah.

You genuinely like hanging out with her? I genuinely think she's really cool.

You know, good for her. I like that kid.

I do, I do. I love her. Good.

I'm a little hard on her. Maybe I haven't been giving her enough credit.

She's a good kid.

At least she didn't end up paying attention to me.

You know. Could be... could be worse.

I can't go back and fix my own fucked up head but...

She doesn't have to get bitter in the first place, does she?

No. I think we need another drink.

Let's have a drink. Let's have a drink.

No cheers. No cheers.


You know, so, monks and priests, right?

They say they get their calling from God.

But that means... that means it was from something outside.

It wasn't from something inside, right? And everybody thinks that that's just great.

Yeah. Right?

What the fuck, right?

Sorry, guys. You're gonna have to close your tab out. Going home.

Aw, man.

I... I...

This is your coat. So I don't have any money.

No, no, no. My responsibility.

Okay, good. I dragged you out.

Put your money away. There, it's on me.

It's on... It's on you. It's on Blockbuster.

Gosh darn it.

That was fun. Yeah.

Yeah, I just... I just wanna...

I just wanna say thank you for...

For what? For letting me stay.

Well, I loved having you, you know.

You're good people.


Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... Wait, wait, wait.

I just... I just... I just...

I don't think we should finger-bang in the street.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know?

Of course. No, no, no, no, no. We should go to my... the house.

House, yeah, yeah, the house. Yeah.

Well, maybe we take Annika's t-shirt off.

Yeah. Maybe that's a little creepy.


Yeah. That's hot.

Yeah, I'm just wearing, like, a little t-shirt with, like, crotchless panties.

Who's she talking to? Our math teacher.

Does he know it's her? No.

Okay, good. I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna brush my teeth, okay?

Yeah, yeah, you're good.


Hey. Hey.

Got a headache?


This is an old hangover cure from college. You want one?


It's very scientific.

I'm not messing around. No.

You know...

You can stay here a little longer if you need to.

Yeah, you know, I've gotta get back into my new place.



All right. I'm calling Patrick and Junior again.


Do I have something on my face?


My dad's saliva.

Oh, shit. Yeah. How about that?

I think you're pretty but...

That's my dad. I... Oh, God, I... Annika, I...

I don't know what happened, you know. I mean, I...

I was thinking the whole time like, "What are you doing, Megan?"

No, no, no, no. I really don't need details.

Look, I've had a couple of hours to think about it.

And I just keep thinking about how lonely he's been.

You know, and how hard he's been trying with me lately.

And as much shit I talk about him...

I love him.

You know, and I want him to be happy. And I want you to be happy.

You know, so if you two are happy together, then...

It might be kind of cool.

And obviously, he can't come with us when we go out. But...

You know, if he wanted to take you to the movies, or whatever, I've decided not to lose my shit over it. Annika, I don't think that dating is in the future for your dad and me. Did I just hear you're boning Mr. Hunter?

No, it's not like that. Ew. Gross.

Yo, finally. Fucking drop it already, I'm here, okay?

Bad mood.

Hey, the tux place is at the other end.

All right, so we'll meet back here in like an hour?


If you can live without me that long.

I'm not sure I can.

You've gotta dance with him tomorrow night.

I mean, who's to say?

Okay, I'm trying this one on.

It's you.

I know.

No. No?

You wear white to your wedding. Not to prom.

Shut up. I like it.

This is it. This is it!

I look so fucking good, man.

I don't even know why those other chicks are even gonna bother to show up.

What do you think?

You look so cute. Good?

You should buy it. Yeah.

Do you have any gum in your bag?

Right there? Little shorter.

You can't take it a little more. Yes, you can.

Yeah, but like, shorter.

You want my ass out? No.

She wants my ass o...

"A and M. Best couple forever."

He had it engraved?

Are you married?

I'm only engaged.

Only engaged.

Who's the A?

You don't know him.

My dad know about him?


Are you going back to him?


God, you're even worse than my mom.

You know, at least when she pulled my dad into her bullshit, she didn't know she was gonna leave.

Oh, shit.

God, Megan, don't even turn around and look at me right now.

Look, I'll swear on whatever you want me to swear on.

I really like your dad. I wasn't faking it.

You're a huge fucking liar. Even your fake ring was fake at being fake.

Who knows what else you're trying to lie to me about.

She's really hurt, Megan.

Oh, shut up, Junior. You pulled your own bullshit with her, too.

Oh, don't you even try to bring him into this.

Can you please stop the fucking yelling while I'm driving?

Who gives a fuck about your dad's love life?

He helps break up other people's relationships every fucking day.

Don't be a dick to Annika just because your dad's a dick and her dad's trying to bring home some cash.

Shut up, Misty! How does any... I don't know what crawled up your ass today...

You want to hear what crawled up my ass, Annika?

Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Is anybody hurt? Are you okay?

Is your neck okay? Yeah, I'm fine.


I'm drunk, Megan.

He's sending me to boarding school next year.

And she didn't even fight him on it.

I opened the bottle of wine you bought me, and I put it in the OJ container.

I just didn't want to care anymore.


Okay, everyone out of the car. Out of the car right now.

When the cops get here, I was driving.

The wheels slipped. I think my palms got sweaty.

Can you touch your nose with your left hand?


Are you able to recite the alphabet backwards?


No, W, W, V... Oh, God.

I don't think that I could do that even if I hadn't been drinking.

Have you been drinking? No.

Please, stay here a moment.

I just wanted to say that what you're doing for Patrick is pretty solid.

This officer thinks I've been driving drunk, and I might be legally drunk. I don't know.

I had some gin this morning. What the fuck, Megan?

Miss Burch, I'm going to ask you to take a breath test. Is that okay with you?

Yes. I want you to blow into this tube.

Continue to blow until I say stop. Is that understood?

Keep blowing please.

Keep blowing. That's good.

Miss Burch, I'm gonna ask you to turn around and put your hands behind your back.

Hold your hands together, please. Wait, no, she... she didn't do anything.

No, chill out, Patrick. Relax, please. Please, relax.

This way, ma'am. Annika, can you call your dad to come, please?

Watch your head, please.

Are you in? Yeah.

What are we gonna do?


Your lawyer's here to see you.

Thank you, Officer.

Well, I've planned your escape.

It's gonna involve a lot of soap.

We're gonna have to roofie this guy over here. But I think we can do it.

Annika didn't tell you. She told me.

I know Patrick was driving. And I know what you did for him.

I think it's a really stand-up thing. Craig...

I've got something to tell you, and you're gonna hate me.

I doubt that.

I am not waiting for a new apartment.

My boyfriend, the one that I got "best couple" with, he proposed.

And I needed some time.

I'm engaged to be married.

So you...

So you didn't lose your lease? That's not why you've been staying over?

No. I just...

I needed to get my head together, and I gave myself a week.

When are you getting married?


You know, I mean, if I'm not in jail.

I... we're eloping. I'm getting married tomorrow.

That's really something. Yeah.



I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, that's... No need.

I'm such a shitty person. I really want to tell you everything.

The first time I met the kids, I bought them alcohol.

It never happened again, but that's where Patrick got the wine from and I went with Annika to see her mom.

So you met...

Shit. I'm gonna stop there.

That's all the lies though. You know, the...

The rest is true.

However, I acted around you, that was true.

Whatever happened between us, that was true.

And I know that I shouldn't have kissed you.

I know I shouldn't have done that. It just got so confusing.

'Cause I had this feeling like I was already in love with you.

Say something.

The number you blew at the scene was borderline.

The number you blew at the station was under. So they're gonna release you.

Something else? Like what?

That I haven't felt connected to anyone I've flirted with or casually seen or dated or slept with for years, for I don't know how long.

That this was a rare deal. That right now I'm aware looking at you, this could be it for me.

I never anticipated still having to find a place where I'd fit in by the time I was an adult either.

I thought you automatically got one once you had a job and a family.

But it's just you, alone.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, no problem. I'm happy to.

Do you want to tell me what happened?

No, nothing. It was a mix-up. They're not pressing charges.

Good. Good.

Listen, honey. I... Dad, no, I...

I need you to know that I fucked up, too.

So I'm in no position to judge you.

What are you talking about? You can totally judge me.

I did something really stupid.

And it's gonna take a long time before your mom can think well of me again.

You told her?

Yeah. I wasn't going anyplace.

I just had a moment in time where... you know, I lost sight of who I was and what was important to me.

So you're staying together?

Yeah, we're gonna work on it. She wants to work on it.

Do you still think you were just shifting?

Well, that's what, you know, relationships are, you know?

Not the cheating part, that was my problem.

But you know, you don't just get into one and then that's it.

It's work, and it's always changing. It's always changing.

Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

Look, I was just happy to hear from you. Even if it was from jail.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, baby.

Welcome back.

So I... checked the chapel's photographer out.

He's no me, but he's done some okay work.

I think we're gonna have to paste in the Caribbean behind us so our parents think we went further away and couldn't invite them.

Who's that?

I don't know. I got it. All right.

Hey-o. Misty.

Wh... What are you doing here?

Well, I brought the stuff you left behind from the crash.

Here. Oh, thanks.

And by the way, Patrick's dad wants you to pay for his car repairs out of pocket.

Out of po... Oh, what... Nobody does that unless it's a scratch.

Yeah, well, he's a dick. Oh, my God.


I'm also here to tell you that you need to come to prom.

Misty, I can't. I know.

You and Annika are having a lot of issues right now.

But if you stop being friends after this, she's gonna become secretly tortured about it. That's how she is.

I know she looks up to you.

That trip you got her to take to her mom's was huge.

And all this time you've been spending with us fucknuts.

Hey. Hey. Hi.

Who's this? I'm Misty.

Hey, Misty. Yeah. Megan's been mentoring me.

Right. At the seminar, she was in the junior program.

The junior program. Oh, wow, that's cool.

What was your animal?

I'm my own animal.

Right. I like that. I respect that. Yeah.

Okay. Nice meeting you. All right, you too.

He's cute. Thanks.

Well, we bought you a ticket as Patrick's date.

Just come.

Attention, passengers.

Flight 514 has begun general boarding to Las Vegas.

Please, line up to the right of the podium... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Here we go. Okay.

Wait. Hold on a second. I know it's going to be bad quality.

But I need to capture this moment. Right. Of course. Of course.

All right. Just gonna send this to the group.

They're over at the soft open for the restaurant.

We've got to celebrate with those guys as soon as we get back.

Why do you need to do that?

I'm not gonna send it to our parents. I know that's a whole other conversation.

And... done.

Why did you need to do that?

Well, I figured 'cause they can't be here, it's our way of bringing them into it.

Oh, look, Allison already wrote back. Oh, my God. I can't do this.

What? Oh, are you thinking...

You're thinking we need to have a real wedding. I know, and you know what?

That would actually make me a whole lot more happy.

No. No, I mean that we can't be together.

Wait, what? Oh, my God...

Oh, my God, I think I might...

I think I might throw up that I'm finally doing this.

Doing what? What are you doing?


How am I gonna explain this to you, right?

Right, the animal thing, right? The animal thing, okay.

God, Anthony. That could never be my speed.

But... But if it helps you to understand what I'm trying to say to you, then...

Anth, I'm a snake.

I'm a snake that's been dragging my old skin around with me for way too long.

I'm a snake.

No, you're not. No, no.

You have to see this about me.

I'm dropping out. I'm dropping out of the group.

Okay, I mean, that's okay, 'cause that's them, and you can just cut down on the amount of time you hang out with them...

'cause that's just them. That's not us. No. No.

No, you're still part of the group.

You and me, we're...

We're somewhere back there. You know, we're in the past.

Holy shit, Meg.

All this time? No, no, God, no.

Not all of it. Well, however long.

Holy shit.

This is it.

Yeah. This is what it comes down to.


Waking up in the morning, and never being able to see your face...

Ever again.

No, we can still be in each other's lives, you know?

We can still...

We can still talk?


Yeah, right.



Hey. You came.

The smoky eye looks great.


Okay, what I did to your dad was wrong. But...

I just really, really fell for him.

Annika... I've broken up with my boyfriend.

Yeah, well...

I guess I know what it's like to forget yourself when you really, really like someone.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you two things that I've gotten some perspective on after being out of high school for a while now.

The first is that a lot of the math they're teaching you that they swear you'll use in your life, you won't.

You're never going to need to use parabolas and you really don't need to know shapes that have more than eight fucking sides.

The second...

The second, which I've only got some perspective on recently, but it's this.

You can't keep putting aside what you want for some imaginary future.

You've just got to suck it up and go with your gut.

All right, guys. This is it.

This is the last song of your prom.

Make it good.

You gonna sit here?

All right.

Fuck it. I'm gonna do it.



Excuse me.

I wanted to tell you, I have serious feelings for you. And I would like to cut in.

And also...

Junior, I'd like to be your girlfriend.

So you're saying that you want to try and be together?



Okay. Okay.

So... Did you hear the one about the grown woman who fell in love with the really pissed off lawyer?

Is it funny? It's really funny.

Come here.

Close the door.