Lake Placid (1999) Script

They actually pay you for this, to tag beaver?

Imagine.

Was that, like, sarcastic?

'Cause I know what you Fish and Game guys think of county sheriffs.

We know you like to give these one-word, sarcastic answers.

Gee.

You ask me, what an animal does in the wild is his own business.

So long as he doesn't do it to man.

I think Mark Twain said that.

Yeah, I think he didn't.

But since you said it, I guess we're covered.

Everyone's a comedian, sarcastic.


I'm sleepin'.

And right in the middle of a good dream.

And all at once I wake up.

From something that keeps knocking at my brain.

Before I go in sane.

I hold my pillow to my head...


Aah! Aah!

So what am I so afraid of.

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of...

Help!

I think I love you.

Isn't that what life is made of.

Though it worries...

Aah ha!

Ohh! Ohh!

No! Aah!

Aah!

Ohh! Don't let go!

Oh ho ho!

Aah!

Aw, Jesus Christ.

Kelly?

Hey, Kevin.

Hi.

Listen, uh, could I Steal you for a minute?

What are you doing?

Heavy breathing, meditating.

Meditating?

Yes. To relieve stress.

Remember, Myra, you're the one who taught me all about breathing.

Yes, but you're doing Lamaze. Are you giving birth?

If you're upset, long, deep breaths.

Kevin dumped me.

I know.

He told you?

Well, I sort of had, uh, inside information.

You?

It started before you, Kelly.

I never would have--

You?

It was just a quick thing That we thought was over, and...it's not over.

You and Kevin.

I--I wish I could say something to... the heart wants what the heart wants.

Sheriff Keough?

Yeah.

Fish and Game. Jack Wells.

Any recent bear attacks?

This was no bear.

Bears don't attack people underwater.

Probably a beaver, then.

Ah, a whole sentence sarcastic.

That the way he came out of the water?

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, Kevin, what's going on? What's happening?

How's it goin'? How's your family? Good?

It's great. So nice to see you.

Fuck off.

This is business.

There was an accident in Maine.

Some guy got killed by something in a lake.

Probably a bear, But they found a tooth.

A tooth?

A fragment of a tooth, one they say couldn't have come from any bear.

Evidently it looks prehistoric, like maybe a dinosaur.

Oh, well, then I'm sure that that's what it was.

He was killed by a dinosaur.

Is there anything else?

I, uh, want you to go there.

What?

It's probably nothing, But you're a paleontologist.

This is what we do.

What do you mean, this is what we do?

I'd like you to check out this tooth.

I'm not a field person.

Well, on this one, I would like you to be.

You want me to go to Maine to look at a tooth?

Oh, this was Myra's idea, wasn't it?

Uh-- -Oh, of course.

Get me out of the office for a few days, wait till I cool off...

It has nothing to do with that.

I don't do field work, and even if I did, Maine?

I'm allergic to timber.

Kelly. I am not going to Maine.

I'm not going to Maine.

It's ridiculous.

It's gonna be rough as we go over these mountains.

Yeah, that's fine. Thank you.

We're doing the best we can.

Could you not talk to me?

Thank you.

Just came up screaming.

What did he say?

Just kind of gurgled. He was pretty much dead.

You didn't see anything?

The lake was calm until up he came.

The tooth is in here.

Oh, that's-- that's the morgue.

Yes.

Well, is the dead guy in there?

That's where they keep them.

Look... you want me to bring the tooth out here?

No.

No. Let's...

After you.

This is reptilian. And this is not a fossil.

You really pulled this out of this guy?

Yes, I did.

I'll need to get a microscopic look at it.

There you go.

Great.

Maybe I should see--

I wouldn't.

I can deal with dead men--bodies.

Ohh.

Uhh. Ohh, jeez.

How long did this attack go on for?

Seconds. 8 maybe 10.

Oh, and, uh, this is how he came up to the boat?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

I'd like to see this lake.

Nobody lives with in 25 miles of it, except some old couple who live right on the lake.

Teenagers trek in every once in a while to skinny-dip.

None have disappeared.

None have spotted anything unusual.

Did you talk to the old couple?

Not yet.

What kind of backup do we have?

We?

What?

I'm a little unclear as to why the museum would send somebody here.

You got a thing against museums?

No, I got nothing against museums.

Ever been in one?

What is that?

Lightweight forward-area air-device unit.

Whatever's out there, one shot with this, it's dead.

Why exactly would you have that?

God.

Mosquitoes. I got a thing about mosquitoes.

If you're all set, let's go.

We're saved.

A museum in New York just sent us some additional backup.

Kelly Scott.

Jack Wells.

Hi.

Uh, some museum sent you, huh?

What, are we all museum bigots in Maine?

She's rude sarcastic.

You two should get along.

I'm afraid I can't let you go with us, ma'am.

Sheriff Keough said I could.

Unfortunately, Fish and Game supersedes the sheriff.

Why do you have to supersede? Maybe I might be of--

Ma'am, look, this isn't some kind of fact-finding expedition.

Yes, I know that.

It's not a science trip.

Could you be a little more condescending?

'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety.

Something in that lake killed somebody, right?

I appreciate you're trying to help.

I'm really glad that you brought the raid.

Now, that's better.

Ma'am, it's not gonna work--

If you call me "ma'am" one more time, I'll sue you, and with today's laws, it's possible.

She's good.

Look, I won't interfere.

And if I do, you've got a sheriff handy to arrest me, but I understand if I threaten your Fish and Game authority--

Excuse me.

Is it true you're going to look for some kind of monster in Black Lake?

Well, we're just gonna investigate an accident.

There's no monster.

We heard a man was bit in half.

Well, there was an accident.

That's all. It's nothing to worry about.

Oh, please.

All right. Let's go.


Well, my husband passed away.

It's been almost 2 years now.

My department doesn't have any record of that, Mrs. Bickerman.

Well, I'm sorry.

Incomplete records haunt me so.

What was the cause of your husband's death, ma'am, do you know?

We don't mean to invade your privacy, but was he ill? Was he sick?

Was he swallowed?

Sheriff.

Uh, Mrs. Bickerman, the reason we're here.

A man was fatally attacked yesterday by some animal in this lake.

Do you know how your husband died?

Oh, yes.

I killed him.

You killed him?

Oh, yes.

Uh... and how would you have accomplished this, ma'am?

Well...

He was very sick, and--and he refused to go to a doctor.

He'd be coherent one day and incoherent the next.

And, well, one coherent day he asked me to end his suffering.

And, um... he kept insisting and insisting and then, well, finally I just gave in, and I hit him on the head with a skillet, then buried him out at the bulkhead.

Well, dig him up if you don't believe me, Sherlock.

Half mile up there's a clearing.

What's with the water? It's so black.

There's no waves or anything.

Well, they wanted to call it "Lake Placid, " but somebody said that name was taken.

It's too bad.

Tents were sent ahead.

They should already be set up by the time we get there.

Tents?

We're staying in tents?

I told you, 2 days we'd have to camp.

Yes, camp, but I thought that meant "Ramada Inn."

I never heard tents. Will there be toilets?

Maybe we should just take you back.

Why, because I prefer a toilet?

Oh, God.

We forgot to pack feminine napkins.

Oh, so you're with him now?

Taking his side.

I didn't say a word.

Oh, no, maybe I should just wipe myself with some leafy little piece of poison oak.

And then I could spend the whole day scratching my ass, blending in with the natives.

Then you'd be back on my side.

You know, you really don't have to bother telling people you're from New York.

What the hell is that?

What?

There. I thought I saw something.

Kelly: Looks like a branch.

Oh, my God.

Aah!

Hey.

You threw it at me!

I just let go of it.

You threw it at me!

Did you see that? Oh!

Ma'am!

Stop hitting me.

Don't throw heads at me!

Stop calling me "ma'am!"

Aw, Jesus.

Oh, God.

So, sheriff... how many deputies you got?

What?

Could it be a bear?

I mean, the bears get big here, right?

Hmm. I don't think a bear could bite off a moose's head.

Everything you need should be in there.

Ok. Good. Good.

So will we be tent-mates then?

Nope. This is all yours.

Ohh. Great.

Excellent.

If there's anything else you need...

Uh, one thing I wanted to ask you.

Uh, what's it like to be a woman in the woods of Maine?

I mean, the guys don't turn all horny or anything like they did in deliverance, right?

Oh.

I knew you were there.

Hmm.

Never been to Maine before, huh?

I have good hygiene. I'm not welcome.

Why are you here, really?

I told you.

A museum doesn't send an investigator into the woods--

How would you know what a museum would or would not do exactly?

Well, even if they did, I doubt whether he or she would have problems with tents.

So I don't like tents. Why--

Oh, you don't like tents, and you don't like mosquitoes.

Well, nobody likes mosquit--

Look at your fingernails.

What's wrong with my fingernails?

You have as much business being in the woods as Emily Post.

No, it doesn't make sense.

They sent you out here to examine a tooth.

And what are you doing out here on the lake?

Oh, no.

What?

If this is who I think it is...

It is.

Who?

Hector Cyr.

He's this rich, kook mythology professor.

You know him?

He's done some work with our museum.

He also treks the world to s...

What?

To swim with crocodiles.

Crocodiles?

If he's here, he must think you've got one.

Oh, look...

I admit I'm no brain scientist, but I do know there's no way a crocodile can be in Maine, right?

You beat me!

Balls!

Splendid lake, eh?

Became a man on a lake like this.

Rubber raft.

Sylvia Blake.

She gave a like a cow.

Who do we have from Fish and Game?

Me.

Who is this man?

I can see the algae blooms Just coming in.

Look almost stagnant.

Hector Cyr.

Oh, the earth is round and so should you be.

Who is he?

I need topographic studies. You got any?

You don't just fly in here and start barking orders.

I apologize. I just don't want to lose the light when we got time for a quick scout.

Have you had a little work done?

I have not.

Who are you?

Hector Cyr. I said it once.

Let me know when it sinks in, ok?

Have you seen it?

No.

Excuse me. You came here to... help you find it.

A crocodile?

Yeah.

They've been migrating north, you know?

This lake does connect to the ocean.

It's not as farfetched as it may sound.

Crocodiles can't swim in saltwater.

Yeah, well, that'll be your little secret.

Come on. We're losing time.

Why did the big one heckle me?

Hey, pal...


If he's close, we'll find him.

Their signatures are unmistakable.

She tell you that we had sex together?

So vigorous!

I never had sex with you.

Whew. I'm horrible in bed. They never remember.

God.

Wait.

Stop!

Thought I heard something.

I don't mean to be discourteous, but, uh, how is it a person could come to believe a crocodile is in New England?

How could it survive winter?

Long as their nostrils don't freeze, they survive.

Am I foolish to explain things?

He had such trouble with my name.

Hector. Hey.

Is this where it happened?

Around here. Yeah.

We're a mile from the ocean. Could've easily made it here.

Assuming he got this far up the seaboard.

The big ones have been on the move.

What have I been telling you? You call me crazy.

Kelly: Hector, just paddle.

You know, Sheriff, when friends or family say things, they tend not to register, so sometimes it helps to hear it from a total stranger.

You're fat.

Jesus. Hector!

Oh, yeah.

Kelly: What's that?

What is it?

White perch.

Are they feeding?

They aren't feeding.

They're scared.

-Aah! -Aah!

Jesus!

Oh!

Get your legs out of the water.

Don't move your legs.

Are you kidding me?

Keep your legs still.

Get off.

Hector, to the left.

Move it left!

Paddle, paddle!

No one actually saw anything.

Yes, I realize that, sir, but something flipped us over, and I doubt very much if it was a mink.

I am a paleontologist.

I work for a natural history museum.

I am not some--

They don't believe her.

Thank you.

It's so rewarding to imagine my tax dollar finding its way to you, you fuck-shit!

You're a saucy flirt.

You were right.

U.S.Wildlife won't send anybody without a confirmation.

We don't need 'em.

Sheriff.

Yeah?

Might wanna come take a look at this.

Oh, my God.

Worms.

Oh, I got a thing about worms.

It's a human toe.

Some decomposition, a little acidic-- definitely been swallowed.

Is this the man who was killed?

He seemed taller.

Phew.

You got a croc, all right.

They're a keystone species.

Did he just explain something?

Keystone species effects the whole ecosystem.

That would explain these worms and those perch.

We got a crocodile.

Here's your friend.

Tom Jones: It's not unusual.

To be loved by anyone It's not unusual.

To have fun with anyone.

But when I see you hangin' around With anyone.

It's not unusual...

He paid us.

500.

It's a trap.

You accepted money from him?

We took a check.

When I see you out and about.

Law enforcement is very dangerous work, isn't it?

And you have such big, wonderful boobs.

Ha ha. Thank you.

It's not unusual.

It happens every day.

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You're on official business.

This is not a party.

Yeah, but now that you're here...

Whoo!

Yeah!

Quiet!

What's with digging the holes?

Well, crocodiles are-- are very brazen.

They like to come on land, and of course they're attracted to noise.

Everybody out! Back to your tents!

Now!

Oh, could she stay?

We were... we were hoping to mate.

No.

Out.

Now, you listen...

If it were up to me, you'd be on your way home.

But I'm not in charge.

That's a shocker there.

I'm going to say this because I believe in being straight with people.

I think you are a mental.

Sheriff...

I appreciate your candor. Really, I do.

I think it's always good to know where somebody's coming from, and, frankly, your origins have been a bit of a mystery to me.

Look how flat that water is.

You could get 10 skips on a good one, easy.

Sorry?

Skipping stones.

Growing up, I used to summer At my grandparents' place on a lake like this.

I'd skip stones all day.

Beat playing with the other kids.

I'm sure it did.

Look, I think it's best if you stayed onshore a while.

I beg your pardon?

I'm not trying to pick a fight, but whatever's out there did flip a canoe.

I am not staying onshore.

It's dangerous.

No, I didn't fly up here Just to roast marshmallows.

Why did you fly up here?

Look... palaeontologists are not sent to Maine to hunt for crocodiles.

I was sent up here to look at the tooth.

You looked at the tooth.

What are you doing out here?

I was dating my boss... and he turned out to be involved with a co worker who was also my friend.

And for the sake of comfort--theirs--

I was shipped off to Maine.

And I don't feel like going back yet.

I'm not making it up.

Still, you don't have to stay out here.

I mean, you can stay in town.

I've come. I'm here. I'm staying... unless there are ticks.

I know crocodiles.

And I won't get in your way.

I just really do want to be a part of this.

7:00 A.M.?

Thank you.

Good night.

Thank you.


Jesus fucking Christ!

Ohh. What the hell are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?!

Oh, Jesus. You clowning around?

I'm laying a spring trap!

A spring trap?

I keep telling you they can come on land.

I could've shot you.

This could end up saving your life, which is meaningful for you, because the more you live, the more sex you get to have with your sister!

What's going on?

He's crawling around like a cockroach here.

I don't care how much money--

He's waving his little wang around!

He's scaring the shit out of me!

How big is this?

All right, all right!

I'll say this once.

Your fancy equipment aside, which we appreciate-- if you interfere, you're gone.

Simple as that.

How much of a wacko is this guy?

Well... the thing about Hector is he takes this crocodile business very...

Oh, man.

He thinks they're godly.

What was that?

In his defense, every primitive culture known to man deified them.

Ancient China, Egypt, Australia, Asia.

Going back in history, crocodiles have been more worshiped than Jesus.

Is this supposed to make us take him more seriously?

No, it's supposed to make you understand him.

He's a mythology professor.

He believes that they're divine conduits.

And he can find them, so we should try to put up with him.

He's a fruitcake.

We should get some sleep.

Yeah.

Aah!

Damn it!

And he's a good trapper.


We can expect a quick response if he hears that.

Adult crocs will move on distressed hatchlings.

Again, I don't mean to be annoying with my questions but if it is a crocodile, which I don't think it is, and they do charge these baby hatchling sounds, why would you want to be underwater at the time?

With you, it makes sense.

You see, Sheriff, the thing is, they don't really attack underwater.

That Walt guy got hit underwater.

True. They don't see that well underwater.

They have nictitating lenses on their eyes...

Burke, stop here.

Now? -Yeah.

...You dive underwater and they probably won't be able to see you.

I hate to interrupt but we got work to do.

Hey, we can talk if we want.

Yeah, we can talk if we want.

Would you mind putting down the anchor?

Wait till we're down there before you turn that thing on.

Got it.

Let's go, Hector.

Good luck.

I brought a pork chop for luck.

Maybe you can hang it around you neck.

That's sweet.

Maybe later you can chew the bark off my big, fat log.

Was that, like, a homosexual remark?

Don't ask me.


Could be a mental.

I heard if a mental person is rich enough, they just call him eccentric.

He's not mental.

He's seen every crocodile in the world.

He even swam in the Grametti with killer Niles.

He never got nipped.

And that's why he thinks they're godly--

'Cause they don't bite him?

I don't know.

He said he knew it when he looked in their eyes.

"Eyes of a Dragon."


So much for crocodiles.

It's probably on land.

Yeah, right.

What was that?

I don't know.

Aah!

Shit.

Hey! Something's got the anchor line!

Untie it! Untie the line!

I'm trying!

Hurry!

Cut the line!

Right!

Shit!

Come on.

What happened?

I don't know.

Hurry. Hurry up.

Must've just let go.

Come on.

Shit! Hurry!

Hank!

Ok!

Oh!

Hurry!

Hurry.

My God, it's right under you!

Aah! Oh, Christ.

Come on, get in the boat.

You all right?

Yeah.

Where's Hector?

I lost track.

We went different directions.

There's some bubbles over there.

Pull it up.

All right. Come on. Bring him aboard.

What's happened?

Come on.

You see it? How big is it?

Shut up and get on board.

We lost track of it. Burke, pull up the speaker!

Are you all right?

-Grab him! -Aah!

Pull him in!

Aah! Aah!

That it?

Yeah.

Nobody actually saw it. It happened suddenly.

Didn't get caught in the outboard?

It wasn't the outboard.

Tell them to get here fast, huh?

You ok?

Kelly?

Yeah.

Nobody saw anything.

No.

U.S.Wildlife's on their way.

The police want to keep everything quiet so the press doesn't get wind of anything.

Everybody just wants us to...

"Sit tight"

Are you...ok?

Well... you know...

Yeah.

Well, Sheriff, I'm, uh...

Very sorry about your deputy.

He was a good man?

Yep.

Whenever somebody dies, I...

I always think that it's such a waste that I didn't know them any better.

Sorry for your loss, Hector.

Not really what I meant.

Head was just... bitten off.

You know, I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was headless.

I'd be down on the ground looking up at my body, no head, just walking around bumping into everything.

And my parents... wouldn't let me in the house.

Because they just bought all these antique lamps, and they didn't want me to knock them over, the fuckers.

Then the neighborhood bullies, they'd see my round head on the ground looking like a ball, and they'd come over, and they'd start a soccer game.

And as I was being kicked around, I'd actually just feel grateful for being allowed in the game.

What are-- What are your thoughts?

You know, Hector...

I'm sure you're a fine person in your own mental way, but I think it would be best if you and I didn't speak.

Yaaah!

When is U.S.Wildlife getting here?

I'm still waiting to confirm if they...

Oh, Jesus.

I--I could probably cut him down, but there's this odd look of mayhem on his upside-down face.

Hank.

Yes?

Are you all right?

Could you cut me down?

Do you promise that you won't attempt to injure me?

I have no interest in ever looking at you, Hector.

Ok.

Just, uh, pull him down.

It's a counterweight.

Here. I'll get the knife.

If I'd remembered it was there, I never would've let you walk that way.

All right. It's over.

It's over. Remember?

You promised not to hurt him, so...

I lied.

Wait. Hey! Hey!

Come on! Hold up!

Nowhere to go, my friend.

Now, just--come on! Knock it off.

Knock it off. Put that down.

Just settle...

Jesus! Look out!

Whoa!

Aw, shit!

Ok.

I admit it.

It's a crocodile.

Kelly: He's an Indo-Pacific.

Scales were oval. He's an Asian crocodile.

Why would he come here? It's impossible.

Asia. How would he get here?

Obviously some asshole in Hong Kong flushed him down the toilet.

He was 30 feet, right? Had to be.

Well, now maybe somebody's happy I brought my big gun.

Oh you're gonna blow him away now?

I should think so.

With your cannon?

Right. What, I shouldn't?

Well, he's a miracle of nature, but I know he's very scary.

You're the miracle of nature.

Guys, guys, easy.

We're not gonna do anything tonight.

I never heard of a crocodile crossing an ocean.

Well, they conceal information like that in books.

All right, pal!

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no. Let him go.

I'm sick of him, too.

I do need to warn you, Sheriff.

The thing about being rich, my parents did have the added luxury of ditching me off at karate school on a regular basis, so I am a brown belt.

Go ahead. Take your best shot.

Ohh!

Hank!

He said he knew karate.

You hit him.

I did, yeah.

Here.

Did he say "go"?

Aren't you supposed to say "go" in karate?

You're supposed to say "go."

Hank, just keep your distance from him.

Go to your tent. Cool down.

He doesn't answer my questions?

Why don't you answer my questions?

I fall into a hole.

I go up in a tree.

I swear to God, I'll say "go."

You bow, and then you say "go."

As in "go fuck yourself."

Jesus. They're just like children.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

I've got something for that.

I can fix that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ohh!

I just gotta pull it a little tighter.

There we go.

Who taught you to be a nurse?

Father's a surgeon.

I can even stitch in a pinch, which probably wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Uh, no, thanks.

Ok.

You should have seen the look on your face when that croc jumped out.

Uh-huh.

You see the look on the bear?

That was the look.

I don't know.

The laws of nature could be changing, Jack.

That thing out there, that's--

You're having the best time of your life, aren't you?

What?

What? People have been killed.

I hardly think I'm having a good time.

Why would you--

Does it show?

This is the first time I've ever actually... you know, been in the middle of anything.

Is that why you're here, to get in the middle of something?

Maybe.

I've always read about what's happened.

I've never...

We should go to bed.

I mean we should go to, uh... rest.

We should go to our separate tents, and--here-- get some--go.

I got it.

Thanks for the bandage.

Night.

Yeah.

It doesn't even see him.

There, he got it.

He has one natural enemy.

Only one.

Man?

Man.

So you're the big expert.

You think ours is some kind of mutant or---

Not necessarily. There's a 30-footer in India.

Biggest one ever killed on record was 27 feet.

So why is he here?

Honestly...

I don't know.


Keep your eyes peeled.

You know how fast these things can be.

I've got ticks, I know it.

They're just so drawn to me.

I got a thing about ticks.

Crawling up your pant leg.

Putt heir heads under your skin.

Look.

What?

Jack.

That's a pretty big print.

Seems like we're getting lower.

That's what happens when I land.

Why are we landing?

Because this is the cove that he obviously lives in.

So why are we landing?

Hector!

We can lift it?

Maybe.

Don't want to mush it there.

I'm not mushing it.

You might mush it. It's a little soft.

For Christ's sake, I'm not mushing it!

Aah!

Oh, God.

Ok.

That is it! That is it!

No, no, I keep getting hit with heads!

Try to calm down.

You calm down!

Calm down, ok? Just keep breathing.

I'm being very calm! I am composed!

This is the second time.

I've been hit with a severed head, and it upsets me!

What the hell?

Aah!

I...

I just want to go back to my tent now.

Can we please go back?

You gotta be kidding.

I'm not kidding!

Look.

The itsy-bitsy spider.

Crawled up the water spout.

Down comes the rain.

To wash the spider out.

Kelly: What is she doing?

Dum de dum de dum.

Kelly: Oh.

What?

Look 10 feet into the water.

Come and get it!

Wow.

Disgusting.

I haven't broken any laws.

Oh, but you have, ma'am.

You lied to us.

That can be obstruction of justice.

A man has been killed, in part because of your silence.

I could make out a charge of reckless endangerment.

And I'm sure PETA would be annoyed at how you treat your cows.

The reason I lied, if I told you the truth, you'd hunt it down and kill it, which seems to be exactly what you're trying to do.

How long have you been feeding this thing?

6 years.

6 years?

Well, Bernie was out fishing, and it followed him home.

So we threw it some scraps, and, well, he didn't seem to bother anybody.

He became kind of like a pet who lives in the wild.

He just appeared?

You have no idea how he arrived here?

No. Do you?

Your husband Bernie, you didn't, by any chance, lead him to the lake blindfolded?

If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it.

Did the crocodile kill your husband?

Yes, but it was all... it was a mistake.

A mistake?

One of our horses got loose 2 years ago.

Went to the lake to drink, and the crocodile started coming in, and Bernie went to intercede, and-- if I'd reported it, they'd have sent people to kill it.

Ma'am, how could you not report this?

It puts human life at risk.

Nobody lives on this lake.

It's really his lake now.

Come on, Hector. I know you're crazy, but you can't do this.

I need to see his habitat up close, Deputy Gare.

Then watch Nova, ok?

But don't go in the water.

Please.

I'll have sex with you.

Let's just get out of here.

Darling, he's not gonna hurt me.

Don't.

Hector!

Murders and rapes in the cities.

People bomb planes.

Can the police stop them? No.

But feed one little cow to a crocodile--

You stay right here until the police show.

You're under full house arrest.

Thank you...

Officer Fuckmeat.

Sheriff, we got a problem with Hector.

What problem?

He went swimming.

Check.


Oh, my.

Suddenly I feel a bit foolish here.

You're different from the others.

Holy Spirit of Sobek.

Holy Ghost.

Holy shit.

Hector!

Just turn the ignition.

It's fuel injected.

Come on!

I know that under the circumstances, biting my head off might seem viable.

It would cheapen you.

I may get a shot!

No!

Bullets might not penetrate its hide.

Oh, Jesus. All right, just a little further.

Just like that.

Move over!

Go!

-Go! I'm trying!

Ahh! Jesus!


That's your last little stunt, Mr. Crocodile.

You're grounded.

This is some very delicate equipment that you're throwing around.

I don't care. You trying to kill your self.

You want to meet Your maker, is that it?

You might think they're godly, you might get some spiritual lift out of backstroking with dragons, but you just put a deputy at risk out there, sir.

Let's not overlook the fact that he didn't eat me.

'Cause he just ate a cow, stupid.

I'm a civilian. I'm not a trout.

You have no authority over me whatsoever.

You have no authority over me whatsoever.

Hey, hey, I can arrest you.

Well, then do it.

You hurt his feelings.

I don't care. Do you care?

No. He's an asshole.

Did you want to be killed by it?

You think I'm that nuts?

Hector.

What you just did, there had to be at least some sort of a death wish going on.

In ancient Melanesia, people suspected of crimes would be thrown to the crocodiles.

Crocodiles would decide.

They would be the judge.

Oh, and so that was you wanting to be judged out there?

Maybe I was, and so what?

Is that too arbitrary?

Better to be measured by my wealth?

Better for me to get my self-esteem looking in the eyes of cheap sycophants craving a meal ticket?

There was more honesty in those dragon's eyes.

There was more dignity in those dragon's eyes.

Jesus, Hector, cut the shit.

Aw, fuck it.

So, can I tell them you won't go back in the water?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I'm not going back in the water.

No way I'm going back in the water.

Ok.

Kelly.

We can't let 'em kill it.

Yeah, pull all the trucks in and start packing.

Everything?

Yeah.

All right.

Just heard from Wildlife and Florida Fish and Game.

They're gonna be here in 3 hours.

Ok.

So we might as well pack up.

Good idea.

Will they try to trap him?

Sorry?

Florida Fish and Game.

What'll they do when they get here?

Tell her, Jack.

Won't be able to snag him in pitments, right?

And you tranq him in the water, and he drowns.

They could try to tranq him on land.

Oh, sure, they could, but they won't.

He's taken human life.

The mission will be to put him down.

Is that true?

They've never been able to trap anything 30 feet.

But they have to try, right?

Where are they gonna take him, Florida?

Back to Asia?

I got enough flaxidyl with me to put him out--

Forget it.

Jack, hear me out.

I know I'm a fat, rich, nut fuck, wacko who's about as grounded as a street pigeon, Keep going.

But this thing...

Here?

Maine?

30 feet?

Don't you think we're dealing with a bit of a miracle?

Yeah. The miracle would be to take him alive.

Yeah, but if we could neutralize him--

How are we gonna neutralize him?

Lure him on land and pump him full of drugs.

Oh, right.

I know of an empty oil tank in Portland.

If we drugged him, we could contain him there.

He's 150 years old.

He probably swam here from another continent.

He's migrated to Maine.

How the hell do we say we just kill it?

Jack, this thing being here does have some ecological significance.

And you are in the business of protecting things against extinction.

Including deputies.

I understand that, but if it's possible to take him alive--

No, it's not possible.

Look, he follows anything that moves, right?

We set a trap on the beach. I got enough net--

No. There's no net that's gonna hold him.

It'll keep him tangled long enough for the drugs to kick in.

For God's sake, Jack, they've trapped crocs bigger than 20 feet.

This is not completely out of the question.

It's possible, and you know that.

And those fucks from Florida won't even try, and you know that, too.

I got the drugs. He's got a big cannon if anything goes wrong.

How do you get him to the net?

Ask Mrs. Bickerman to call him?

You guys can be in the trucks with the tranq guns.

If he charges, you take off.

He's not that fast.

We just have to try.

One try. Just one try.

Like Hank says, how would we lure him in?

I'll sue you!

Go ahead.

You can't take a cow by eminent domain!

We just did!

We won't let her get hurt, ma'am.

You're all cock suckers!

I knew at first. I just didn't want to say it.

We know what we're doing.

We got a cow hanging from a helicopter.

Not much drag.

As long as I can keep her from swinging, we're ok.

We're doing the right thing.

You might feel different if you get eaten.

Yeah, thanks.

Tranq gun with every rifle.

That's as far back as it goes, right?

Hector, keep enough tension to hold her up.

We don't know how well she can swim.

Right.

I hate to say it.

The more she thrashes, the better.

You ready on shore?

Yeah, we're all right. We're ready.

Ok.

If she gets tired, pull her out.

Jack: What's she doing now?

She's trying to fly.

This is not a happy cow.

I'm rooting for the crocodile.

I hope he swallows Your friends whole.

You might want to arrest me for that, too.

Is that a crime--

To wish the chewing of law enforcement?

I'm not sure, ma'am.

You got 'em?

Yeah, over here.

Little battery!

What's the deal?

Well, we tried.

Just a little longer, please.

She doesn't seem to be swimming.

No, she's floating.

She looks like a giant tea bag.

Ok, Hector.

Good plan, bad bait. Game's up.

The cow disappoints me.

Hold on.

I got something on the screen.

What do you got?

He's coming.

Where?

How far out?

30 meters or so.

He's moving slow, but he's definitely coming.

Can you confirm visually or just radar?

Radar.

He's underwater, but he is coming!

All right, everybody back in the trucks!

Move, move, move!

Let's go, let's go!

Let's go!

Lead him in.

On our way.

Remember to aim for the stomach and the sides!

These darts won't pierce his back!

He's surfacing. There's his snout.

There he is!

We've spotted him, Hector.

You little snacker.

If he gets near her, pull up.

She's worried about the cow now.

Nice and slow, Hector.

This net thing better work.

He got you with it.

We're in about 4 feet of water now.

She's mooing.

You wouldn't?

She's also kicking.

A little closer, Hector.

Oh, shit.

Watch out!

Motherfucker!

Shit!

Where is he?

We gotta get to him.

Back us up.

Lose the tranq guns. Go to the rifles.

Get the rifles!

Where'd he go?

Hold up.

Don't go back into the water.

If you get a safe shot, take it.

Do not move, Hector!

Can you see anything from out there?

Nothing!

Maybe he swam back out!

Jesus!

Hector!

Hey!

Get back in the truck!

I got him covered.

Where is he?

I don't know.

He's gone under.

I just have this feeling everything's totally safe.

There!

He's swimming out!

I think I see him!

I think I see his tail!

Shit! Kelly!

Aah!

Kelly!

Kelly, swim, swim to me!

Swim to me, Kelly!

Shoot the fucking thing!

I don't have a clean shot.

Dive under!

Go under!

Fuck.

"Let's save him."

What a fucking great idea.


Come on.

Here.

Here we go.

Where is he?

I don't know.

We can't see him.

What-What?

Hector!

All right.

Game over.

Look.

He's suffering.

I get to be humane.

No, no!

No, no, no, look, he's trapped!

We've done it!

So what? It's not a net, but he's trapped.

Mission accomplished.

Shoot him.

I got more drugs. He's half dead.

He's half alive. Shoot him!

The drugs are kicking in.


Look at him.

He's done.

Hank.

All right, stand back.

No, no, no, Sheriff.

Look.

Look, look.

He's got nothing left.

Go ahead. Shoot him.

Really?

-Jack, we don't-- Kelly.

We don't have to destroy him!

God damn it, look at him!

Let me have that.

Kelly: He's been neutralized.

Come on, Jack, he's trapped!

Look at him! He can't move!

What's the point?

We don't have to do this.

Jack, you don't have to. Please!

Oh, God!

He's got me!

Jesus!

Jesus Christ!

Are there 2? I think there's 2.

I can see that.

He bit me!

He bit me! There's 2,there's 2!

I can count.

No!

Back to one.

Go ahead.

Flax him.

Oh, here they are.

Just in time. Nice to see you.

We're gonna need to get this reptile some medical attention.

We, uh... trapped him with our chopper.

Portland?

Yes, Portland.

They'll tank him there until we figure out something better to do.

So, Sheriff, Sheriff, you got to fire your big gun finally.

Was it fun?

Overrated.

What'd Bickerman say?

Well, she didn't want to tell us about the second croc, 'cause she was afraid we'd blow its head off.

Women's intuition.

We got room for one more.

Someone should probably go with him.

Uh...

I'm still packing up some stuff, but, uh...

I'll go.

So, I imagine you're gonna have a few reports to do.

If you need anything, let me know.

Yeah. It was nice meeting you.

Gee, Hank, don't get all choked up.

With you, I'm still mixed.

Oh, well, then, just to offend you on principle, then.

See you.

Well...

You want a ride in my truck?

Oh, we just finished loading up the front oft he truck.

Do you want us to take some stuff out?

No, no, that's all right.

I'm gonna be a little while anyway.

I want to go say good-bye to the lake.

You sure, because I don't mind--

No. I actually want to stay a little longer.

All right.

If I'm ever in New York, I'll...

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, does nobody ever make a move in Maine?

That's it? You slide your duffel bag?

Just... get in the truck.

Go for a beer.

There's a good bar in town.

Bet that's charming.

Are the glasses clean?

Mostly.

You gonna complain the whole time?

Jack.

Start the truck.

I already miss the crocodile.


Cute little buttons. Oh, ho ho.

Oh, mama loves you.

Come on.

Eat your supper.

Nibble mommy's toes.

Yes.