Land Ho! (2014) Script

You made it after all.

Yeah, I made it.

God, how the hell are you?

I'm good, Mitch.

Been a long time, buddy. Long time. Good to see you.

Come on in. Make yourself at home. Thank you.

How are those ramps coming over there, bud?

They're coming along.

I tell you I'm gonna be around here a week?

Yeah, you said that.

It's the longest I've been... out of New Orleans in forever.

You still practicing?

Yeah, I still practice. Still love it.

I guess I'll be in my grave when they're shoveling dirt... and I got my arm out with a scalpel in my hand still trying to operate.

Yeah.

This is so delicious, you're not gonna believe it.

This is like angels pissing on your tongue.

Okay.

Very, very good.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

That is good.

Thanks for... It's a great batch, baby.

Thanks for cooking. You got it.

I love to cook now.

You know, I guess I got pushed into it when...

Edith Ann and I split up.

But guess what.

I think I've grown from it.

And...

I'm a better person for it.

Silver lining.

Silver lining. Gotta look for the silver lining in everything, you know?

Did you see that film?

- Silver Linings Playbook? No.

No, I don't go to movies like I used to.

Probably one of my favorite movies of all time is that movie about... that kid and his daddy. The radio show... and they lived on a houseboat up in Washington state.

- Sleepless...? Tom S... Hanks and...

Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan, yeah.

She's a good-looking broad, you know? But she didn't have no tits.

I thought she was cute in the face.

Is that the last film you saw?

I hope that wasn't the last film you saw.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I watch movies at home.

Okay, here's a quiz. Go ahead.

John Wayne... Go ahead.

Dean Martin...

Ricky Nelson.

Ricky Nelson?

In one film together. What's it called?

- Diablo. Cowboy film.

That's what I said. Diablo. Rio Bravo.

Oh, well I was close.

And Walter Brennan.

"Y'all went down there..."

You know, I was listening to the damn radio the other day... and that song that he did when he talks through...

I don't know if you remember that song.

He talks about old times and how it is.

He doesn't sing at all, and it made the top 10.

Yeah. Back in 19 aught... whatever it was, okay?

You know, I'm sorry about you losing Patty.

But guess what.

You gotta reach down and grab a handful of guts, bud, you know... and get on with your life.

I know that you jumped in there with Katie... and Katie trashed you.

To make it work, you gotta love them.

Okay? I'm sure she was good in bed.

I'm sure all this stuff was wonderful.

But guess what.

She didn't love you, obviously.

And you didn't love her, either.

I think she was just something to fill in the gap, if you will.

Put a little mortar between the bricks. She definitely wasn't the bricks... that's holding your wall together, okay?

Anyway, I don't wanna get too far along here.

I may have to tell you something that you might not like...

...but I'm gonna tell you anyway. Okay. What?

I bought us two first-class tickets to Iceland.

I can't afford that, Mitch.

I know you can't afford it. I already bought the tickets.

I know you say "No"... Come on, now, you...

I know you don't want me to spend my money on you...

You didn't ask me. I know.

You didn't tell me. But...

Why should I tell you? You would've said no.

That's true. Okay?

I got the money.

Why can't I spend it on my brother-in-law?

My favorite brother-in-law. Ex-brother-in-law.

It's a chance... for you to get away... to a place that is wonderful.

The hot springs with all the minerals in the water.

The juicy, fantastic lobsters, and the gorgeous broads.

I don't like lobster.

I'll eat your lobster.

Got something? Yeah, listen to this:

"The head chef at the Hotel Nordica's five-star restaurant... serves up superb seasonal dishes.

Think pink-footed goose with caramelized apples."

Can you think pink-footed goose? That sounds weird.

But it could be good.

Yeah. When in Rome.

You know how that is. Yep.

Do it. Want me to continue...

...or go on to another one? Stay with that one.

"The waiters sometimes bring out extra little treats for you to try.

For example, their amazing invisible gazpacho."

What in the hell is invisible gazpacho?

I have no idea.

What else is there? Well, we have Dill.

"A gourmet's delight... this elegant, new Scandinavian restaurant... specializes in local organic ingredients... cooked in contemporary Nordic-kitchen style.

Prepare yourself."

Yeah... Are you prepared?

Yeah, I'm prepared. Come on.

You don't sound prepared. I'm prepared, all right?

Excuse me. Yes.

Car's ready.

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

Oh, good God, Mitch.

Oh, shit, I forgot. Damn it. What? What?

I forgot the duty-free store. I should've mentioned something earlier.

I can't believe I'm so stupid sometimes. You know, I kind of feel bad about... not having paid for anything so far yet.

I told you, don't worry about that.

You know, we're here to have a good time. This is on me.

When I run out of money, I'll say, "Okay, Colin, it's your turn to pay."

But I think we'll be okay. Maybe I'll just pay...

...for the booze or something. Oh, yeah, booze.

I can see us walk in and say, "Give us a shot of whiskey."

And the guy says, "$25."


Who is it?

It's Colin.

Come on in, Colin.

Jeez, mate. Expecting someone else, were you?

God, I was hoping somebody else was there besides you.

Damn, look at this outfit you got on.

What's this with the jeans and everything?

What's wrong with it?

I mean, we're going out someplace nice to eat dinner.

We ought to dress a little better. It's just a hotel restaurant.

Yeah, but it's still a nice one. It's not black tie.

Yeah, but, you know, you've got business casual, you've got resort casual.

And now, with those jeans... all you need's the bibs, you have coal-miner casual.

You sound just like my kid.

He's always having a go at me to dress up better.

You know, if I feel comfortable in the way I dress... then I am much happier, and I have a better time.

How old is Michael these days?

He's about to turn 34.

Are you ready?

Oh, I'm just about ready here. Just gotta come down there and finish my beer.

I noticed you bought beer.

Yeah, I went to the supermarket, tried to save a couple nickels... but hell, it's almost as expensive in the supermarket... as it is downstairs in the bar.

My friend, you are not drinking beer. What do you mean?

Well, hardly.

It's 2 percent alcohol.

Two percent alcohol?

Balls.

Well, what do you think about your order?

I'm happy about it. We'll see. The more I've been thinking...

I wish I'd got what you got.

Well, I was thinking the steak looked pretty good.

Yeah, but you know about steaks. It's like pussy.

As long as it's nice and juicy, it's wonderful... and when it's dry, it ain't worth a damn.

I'm trying to eat more fish. Damn. You too.

Man, I'm getting that crap from one of my sons, big time, you know?

Yeah, which one?

J.P. He's wanting me to eat fish... so I'll be healthier and live longer and all that stuff.

How are the boys? They all good?

You know, it's amazing. They're all different.

I got one that's gay.

I got one that lives in Berlin.

I got one that converted to Judaism.

And I got one that's a regular.

I'm sorry... that I haven't kept in touch with the family.

Do you see Edith Ann? Do you talk to her? You see her any?

Never.

I haven't seen her since Patricia's funeral.

Well, that's something that I owe you... lots and lots and lots of apologies for.

I wish I could've been there for you.

I knew about it.

But I just felt like, maybe me staying away was the best thing.

I just didn't know what Edith Ann'd do if I did show up, you know?

You got enough problems... and she was down in the dumps about her sister dying, you know?

Yeah.

That was a really tough time, Mitch. That was... tough.

Yeah.

Life goes on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Until you kick the bucket, bud.

Yeah, I'm working on that.

Cheers, mate. Yeah.

For you, the osso buco.

And for you, the Arctic char.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, sir. You're welcome.


What do you think?

Anger.

Blood.

Creepy.

Very creepy.

I think I've seen this guy in a nightmare before.

That just... That gives me the heebie-jeebies, bud.

Goodness.

The focus moves to the left.

I like that red.

I don't like anything about that. That's too creepy for me.

Now, this is right up my alley.

A redhead.

Firm breasts.

No bra needed.

Nipples... like wild strawberries.

Umbilical cord... that holds the belly button... which will hold two to three... shots of tequila.

And you can't see her fluffy... but I'll bet you it's nice and sweet as well.

Okay, well, I see a self-portrait.

I see battered and bruised, still here.

And screw you.

Sexy Stevie Nicks.

So it's not about religion?


Top o' the morning to you, matey.

Oh, pardon moi.

Good morning, Mitch. How are you? I'm just wonderful.

Good. I'm really happy about that.

Why are you here?

I went downstairs... checked my e-mail this morning... printed it out.

Guess what. What?

A nice e-mail from my cousin Ellen.

Okay.

Excuse me. You want a hit? Are you kidding? Is that what I think it is?

It's just a little joint.

You know, I've smoked most of it... Okay.

Where did you get it? Wouldn't you like to know.

When did you get it?

I got it this morning. Oh, man. What time did you get up?

Come on. I don't know.

I just couldn't sleep... and, you know, just didn't wanna waste my time rolling around in bed.

All right. Read the e-mail. Tell me about it.

You sure you don't want any of this? I... No.

I don't want any, man. I haven't smoked pot since the '70s.

That... Wait a minute. The 1970s?

Yeah, the 1970s.

Damn. Boy, have you been missing a lot, bud.

Read the e-mail, all right? Just read it. Okay.

Here we go.

"Hi, Leslie."

Who's Leslie?

I'm Leslie. Yeah?

You're Leslie? My name is...

Leslie Mitchell.

No kidding. Why don't you use Leslie, then?

Don't like it.

Sounds like a girl's name.

Really? I don't know. I don't think it sounds like a girl's name.

I like Leslie Nielsen. Like, he's really funny.

I'm glad you like it, and it's a good name.

Okay.

"My mom just told me... that you and a friend are in Iceland.

Well, guess what. You're not going to believe this... but my friend Janet and I have been in Greenland for the last month... and we're coming to Reykjavik today.

Wanna pick us up at the airport?

If so, e-mail back soon.

Flight info below. Hope to see you soon.

Love, your coz, Ellen."

Now, Ellen's a hottie.

I've already e-mailed. Told them we'd pick them up.

So guess what, baby.

We're going to party with two nice, tight-assed ladies this evening.

That's gonna be so much fun.

Ooh, goodness, it's gonna be fun.

You said cousin, right?

Yeah, cousin.

I'm just saying is, it's good for us... to hang around with good-looking women... because good-looking women begot other good-looking women.

Even you might get lucky.

Yeah. I've seen you look at the women... in those leggings that they wear around... that looks like their ass is sculptured out of granite, except... they do... the slishy-sloshy.

When they walk, they go slishy-sloshy... slishy... I see your eyes light up. You bastard.

Why don't you admit that you love to look at ass and tits, okay?

What's wrong with you? Absolutely not.

Boy, you such a bullshit artist.

I got you. I got your ass this time.

Yeah, all right. All right.


Did you watch the Super Bowl game where the Saints won?

No, man, I didn't. I missed it.

Damn, honey. That's like a fantasy of mine come true.

You know, you talk about a fantasy story.

I was at a bar in New Orleans...

John Goodman comes up to me, starts talking, asks me to go duck hunting.

You know John Goodman. He was...

Yeah. Yep. ...Dan Conner in the Roseanne show.

Who would have thought that he would ask me to go duck hunting?

Was there a spaceship up above the bar... that was manipulating him?

Who's to say that... there's not somebody out there... who's planning and playing us... like little dolls, you know?

They're moving us around like we're on a chessboard.

You know, it's like this is all science fiction.

Reality, that we think about it, doesn't exist.

And you might not even be here.

I'm pretty sure I'm here. You don't know if you're here.

You might be somewhere else. You might be in a test tube...

I'm... You could be drifting around in space.

He's, like, a little bit eccentric.

Okay. Just so you know.

Okay. Oh, boy. I think that's them.

That's a ginormous car.

Is there a fire over there? What?

A fire. You see...? Is there a fire over there?

Where?

Oh, I see you now. It's your ass that's so hot, it's on fire.

Okay. Thank you, Leslie.

Don't call me Leslie.

Now hold it right there.

Walk a little bit closer. Okay.

Let me take a couple pictures of you girls.

Hold it right there. Give us a big smile.

Alrighty. Got it, girls.

Didn't they have any big cars available?

Come here, doll baby.

Thanks for getting us. I'm so happy to see you.

Good to see you too. It's good to see you.

You too. And this is your friend?

Janet. Nice meeting you, Janet.

Hi. Hi, Janet.

Hi. Colin.

Nice to meet you. I'm Ellen.

Hi, Ellen.

Dr. Mitch. Yes, ma'am.

Janet has a question for you. Shoot, baby.

It's a medical question. Sorry, I'm sure it's annoying... to have people always bothering you about questions like that.

My friends and family do it to me all the time. Go on.

Okay, well, when we were taking off...

I just felt like my heart skipped a beat a couple times.

Do you feel faint right now?

No, I feel okay now.

Well, you know, I've got my stethoscope and blood pressure cuff in the room.

We'll check out your ticker when we get to the hotel.

Okay. All right, thanks. How's that?

Where the hell's y'all's luggage? They lost it.

Oh, shit. Lost it here?

Oh, golly.

They left it in Nuuk.

Nuuk?

Reminds me of a trip to Italy.

They lost my luggage and, boy, was that a...

Well, your mama must have told you about that trip.

Damn, I thought she would.

Well, let's hit the road, guys. Rock and roll.

Okay.

Hold it.

Okay, breathe.

Your ticker's fine. Normal sinus rhythm, no murmurs.

Okay.

What y'all doing? Like two vultures looking down at me.

You're messing up my bedside manner. What's wrong?

Fascinating to see you work, man.

For a change? Yeah, Leslie.

Damn it, I don't know how many times I'm gonna tell y'all not to call me Leslie.

But I can't call you Mitch. What if I called you Oscar?

Well, if that was my God-given name, then that would be fine.

I don't think any god would give you the name of Oscar.

I'll call you Uncle L instead, that's better.

That's... Hell no, don't call me Uncle L.

I'm not your uncle, I'm your cousin once removed.

But it's kind of uncle-ish.

No, it's not kind of uncle-ish. Kind of like an uncle.

No, not like kind of like an uncle. Not uncle-ish whatsoever, okay?

Never an uncle.

You know, she just does this to aggravate me, you know?

We just fight like this all the time. That's not true. She's just being a turd.

Trying to get my goat, okay? Tea for the ladies.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

So you girls up for a big party, going out to dinner tonight?

We'll go out and splurge, have the best dinner we can find.

Sounds pretty good.

I mean, a big night on the town.

Remember, I'm a vegetarian, right? Oh, God, yes, I forgot about that.

I'm sure at a fancy restaurant like that... they'd have rabbit food for you to gnaw on.

Okay. You're not a vegetarian?

No, I eat meat.

Thank God. I can tell with your beautiful complexion, you know?

I'm not gonna say anything about that vegetarian complexion over there.

If y'all got some better clothes than that... something that's a little more, you know, feminine.

Little more showing stuff and everything, or...?

Because this is gonna be a big night. Can we just wear this?

I think your outfit looks very matronly.

I mean, it really does. It look matronly.

And I think you both need... You have some nicer clothes than this?

Sorry. Our luggage is gone.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you my gold Granite credit card.

Y'all go out and spend as much as you want to.

If you wanna go get a manicure, pedicure.

It's all on me, anything you want. But I want it to look nice, please.

You really don't need to do that. I know I don't need to, but I'm going to.

Your mama helped me out a lot when I was a kid.

And I'm just... Payback. This is like a karma situation.

I'm not gonna take no for an answer. This is my party, okay. Y'all are part of it.

Okay, thank... We got that settled?

Thank you. Sounds good. Thank you.

Let's go and have a joint now.

Kind of puts me a dark place.

You? No, thank you.

Ain't happening.

Three party poopers. Boy, I can't believe this.


You had to cause a scene and be a pain the ass, huh?

I wasn't being a pain in the ass.

What do you think they're gonna think, we're pains in the ass?

They're not gonna think we're pains in the ass. I don't like two things.

I don't think the waiter was put off much.

Probably won't spit in our food.

And by the way, y'all's clothes. What's wrong with our clothes?

Looks like you bought four or five T-shirts, cut them up... and stapled them together to make your outfits, okay?

So, Janet, sorry, but you look like a damn toddler, okay?

But you, lady, I can't believe you.

Looks like that you got into Janet Reno's closet.

And the outfit you got on right now looks like a lesbo tennis outfit.

Perfect. That's what I like.

When you got what you all have, we got two good-looking women... you need to flaunt it, okay?

You know, a sheer blouse.

A short skirt.

High boots that show your legs. Okay.

And use that frosty lip stuff that looks so wonderful.

So here we have the Friulano grape from Friuli in northern Italy.

It's a light, oaky taste, very fruity.

With a smoky aftertaste.

It's excellent, thank you.

To a wonderful evening, ladies.

Thank you so much.

And I think you're dressed superbly.

Thank you. Thank you.

How long have you known each other?

- It's about six years now. Yeah.

From school?

We're both PhD candidates at Columbia...

...but we're in different departments. PhD, wow.

Okay, so, what are you studying?

I'm studying northern native communities and basically kind of focusing... on how climate change would affect the, you know, their way of life.

Anyway, Janet studies Jewish mysticism, which is really fascinating.

Jewish mysticism. Are you Jewish?

No, I'm not Jewish.

Shucks. I was gonna drain your brain a little bit.

My son converted to Judaism... Okay.

...several years ago and I always wanted to learn a little bit more about that.

Yeah.

But my daughter-in-law is kind of, you know, she's kind of a pain... and I just didn't wanna give her the satisfaction...

...of me asking her to find out about it. Right, okay.

All right, here we have baked and marinated rutabaga... cheese foam, sweet and sour herbs and a crispy millet.

So why are you two in Iceland?

Getting our groove back.

All right. Good. Back in the groove.

Get us back in the groove. Sure.

My wife and I separated and Mitch thought I needed cheering up.

That was his second wife. Okay.

I'm gonna give you a little history, Janet.

We were married to sisters.

I was married to Edith Ann.

And he was married to Patricia.

Edith Ann and I split, we had our differences.

I love Edith.

We won't wanna go there, believe me. You don't wanna go there.

Okay.

Anyway, Pat no longer would allow Colin... to come out and play with nasty, dirty Mitch.

Okay? Kind of kept him locked in the house.

No, she didn't keep me locked in the house.

How did you and Patricia meet?

I was in the symphony orchestra and she was in the choir.

He was great French horn player.

Do you still play?

No, no, I gave it up.

Got a normal job at a bank.

I actually have to pee, do you wanna...? Oh, sure.

You girls don't fall in, now.

I think Janet's probably got the hotsies for you.

They're probably in there talking about you right now.

That would make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Why not?

I just don't want to talk about younger women. It's just depressing.

You know, I'm... May we clear you plates, gentlemen?

Thank you. Please.

Go on.

I know you're trying to cheer me up.

But I wish you would stop bringing this up and stop needling me.

I'm not needling you. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. You're looking for an argument, mate.

See, when you say "mate," I know you're pissed.

That's the only time you...

Didn't take you ladies very long.

No. We're very impressive that way.

I wanna know about Jewish mysticism.

Oh, what do you wanna know?

I wanna know how it differs from regular Judaism.

Okay, well, mysticism is focused on directly experiencing God.

And there's also this idea about... everything that you can observe and understand about the world... is only a fraction of its real truth.

So there's, like, a superficial reality that's the one that you're familiar with.

But then underneath that there's a divine energy that's sort of, like, the real truth.

Da Vinci Code. Yeah?

I mean, sort of.

It's different, but it's the same...

You can't write a thesis on The Da Vinci Code.

I'm sure someone has done that.

Spooky. Of course.

It is pretty spooky, actually.

It's put me in the mood to read a lot of supernatural stories recently.

Like?

Well, this one, yeah, there's one I read recently that's more for fun.

It has nothing to do with Jewish mysticism.

So here I have a rose from Provence with a bit of a peppery bite.

Bite of pepper.

What happens in the story?

You want me to tell the whole thing? Yeah, go for it.

The story's about these two travelers.

And they're out on a moor and they're starting to get lost.

They don't know which way the village is. They keep going over hill after hill.

Keep thinking it'll be, you know, after the next one, but it isn't.

So just as they're getting worried they might have to sleep out on the moor... they come to this beautiful old house.

Creepy old house?

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty creepy.

And there's a young woman sitting out front, she's having her tea.

She invites them over. Once she finds out that they're lost she invites them...

...to stay the night with her. A threesome.

Well, no, she invites them to stay in one of her guestrooms.

Okay.

And so they're trying to get settled and go to sleep.

And then they start hearing all these footsteps around them... but they can't really tell where it's coming from.

So then the one guy hears a yell, and he goes out into the hallway... and sees the door to his friend's room is open... and his bed is empty and the sheets are thrown on the floor.

So he runs downstairs.

And he gets down there just in time to see a servant closing this heavy door.

All right, guys, so here we have some hand-picked beetroots, walnuts... some smoked fresh cheese, pickled red onions and radish sprouts.

Hope you enjoy. Thank you.

All right, keep going, keep going.

Okay, so the guy goes through the door to find his friend... and they get lost in this labyrinth of hallways... that are winding back and forth and sloping up and down... so that they can't tell where they are in the house.

Then the walls are glowing.

They're green and moist.

Damp, like slime on the walls or something?

Yeah. So they eventually find this group of other people... but all of their faces have been eroded.

So they're just completely smooth... and they can't speak. They can only, like, murmur.

So the guys figure out that the house is alive... and what happened is this guy, hundreds of years ago, died... and he grew a house out of his brain essentially.

So the house became like his body... that was sprouting from the life left in his brain.

Right. Damn.

And so for him to survive he has to trap people in the house... and slowly digest them over time.

So who was the woman?

The woman was his wife, but his wife... Was his wife?

Yeah, well, she's actually part of him now.

God. Because at some point he digested her.

Oh, God. So that she could become part of him.

And lure in people.

At then at the end the two guys do find this guy... and they smash his head with a rock.

You know, Colin, you kind of remind me of my dad.

Really?

Oh, yeah, I can see that. Least you didn't say granddad.

Great-granddad.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't mean it like that.

Don't worry. I was just kidding.

I'm not sensitive about my age.


You know, we're the oldest people in here. By a lot.

What?

I took a look around and I think we're the oldest people in here.

Another guy, he's about 45. There's nobody else.

Still can't hear you.

Forget it.

Long time since I've been anywhere like that, mate.

It's kind of invigorating, don't you think?

You think so? I think so.

You're in a bad mood still? No, I'm not in a bad mood.

I'm in a great mood. You're in a bad mood.

Yeah, sure. I'm always in a good mood.

Good. Good for you. Come on, come on, come on.

Americans.

No, bloody Australian.

You are American.

You are Australian. Yes.

Yes. Correct.

What are you guys doing? You look old. Cheers, man.

You look dusty. We came with a couple young ladies.

You look like Rolling Stones in, like, 30 years.

I can see it on your face, you've been smoking a lot of weed.

And you gotta light me up right now.

I can do that. You have to.

Looks like you're already lit, but I'll light you anyway.

Yeah, I need it.

There you go.

We need to get trippy before we light up these glow sticks.

What's a glow stick? This is a glow stick.

What the hell is this? You do it like this. You break it.

All right, yeah. You wave it around, put it in your beer.

Oh, my goodness, that is so...

Another one, another one, another one. Glow in the dark beer.

That's really cool. Yeah, yeah.

It's a good thing. Cheer, cheer, cheers.

Want a drink of that? No.

Hey, guys? Guys, I need your help.

Ellen got really drunk. She's passed out in the bathroom.

Oh, shit.

Well, it's settled. You girls are gonna be bunking in one of our rooms tonight.

Colin and I can bunk in the other room. No.

No, you don't have to do that. I know we don't have to do that.

We'll just stop here. It's already decided.

Look at this. We can't carry your ass all the way.

Put on your big-girl panties so we can get on back to the hotel.

Damn, there goes that tickle-box again.

Come on. Sometimes I just walk home like this.

Yeah, looks like you're walking on air, you know?

Air you going my way?

Careful. Don't forget your big-girl panties now.

Where's Colin? We're going home right now.

Is he putting on his big-girl panties? Come on, now.

This is not funny at all, okay?

Let's get gorditas. I'm gonna be sick. We'll be there before daylight.

Where's Colin Lansky at anyway?

We're here. Yeah, we made it.

I'm sorry, Mitch.

Nothing to be sorry for. I ruined our big night.

No, you didn't ruin anything.

You didn't ruin anything.

Tell Colin I said sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you for picking me up and taking me home.

You're welcome, but it's okay.

Just try to rest. Okay.

Mitch? Yeah, baby.

I'm sorry you had to retire.

What do you mean?

My mom said you... They made you retire.

No, I just retired on my own.

Just don't worry about it, and you get some rest, okay?

Sweet dreams, doll.

Janet, she's crashed and burned.

Okay.

Colin, you got everything you need? Yeah, I've got it.

Mitch?

Are you awake?

Yeah, I can't saw a toothpick let alone a log.

You want to see what's on television?

This will probably help you sleep a lot, boy.

God.

Jesus.

You are such a child.

Help me.


Bye, girls.

Boy, it feels great to be out of the city, huh?

Yeah, into the wild.

Yeah, but, you know, it's not really wild yet.

They got roads here.

When we get out where there's no roads, that's where it's gonna be. That's wild.

Wanna hear about Gullfoss?

Sure.

Alrighty.

"Iceland's most famous waterfall.

Gullfoss is a spectacular double cascade.

Whether or not you're suitable impressed can depend on the weather.

On sunny days, the spray creates shimmering rainbows... and it's also magical in winter when the falls glitter with ice.

On gray days, mist can envelop the second drop... making Gullfoss slightly underwhelming."

I know I'm not gonna be underwhelmed. I'm gonna be overwhelmed.

It's gonna be so much fun there.

What else we got going on?

We got the geysers. Oh, shit, man, the geysers.

My favorite.

Yeah, I love geysers. I've never seen a geyser, man.

Really? I've seen a few of them and, man, they're so much fun.

You just watch them. You know, it's just like this big explosion.

Like a big cum shot right straight up into the sky.

You know, like the devil's exploding.

Okay.

What else?

I'm almost afraid to say.

I wanna see a lighthouse.

A lighthouse? I've seen millions of lighthouses.

But you haven't seen an Icelandic lighthouse, have you?

No. No, I haven't.

Good.

Lighthouses remind me... of rock hard cocks with no balls.

Come on, Colin, give me some good ones, baby.

What if I lean on it?

That's wonderful. Lean on the sun of a gun.

All right, hold on, now.

Now put your other leg over just a little bit more over that way.

Move your hand back up to the left. Okay, over a bit more to your left.

Right there. Hold it. Perfect. Go.

All right, that's wonderful.

Geometrically perfect.

Hey, ass shot. Dumb & Dumber.

All right.

Wiggle it down there, baby. Wiggle.

Shake it down there. Shake it.

Yeah, there you go.

You're looking very nice down there, baby, yeah.

Hey, your best side, darling.

Good. Oh, no, that's great.

Somebody stop me. Hold it right here.

I got it.


Have you seen The Last of the Mohicans?

What?

I said, have you seen The Last of the Mohicans?

You think we can sleep in this thing?

Sleep in it?

Why would you wanna know?

I mean, if we had to, we could do it for one night.

Just lay back. It's almost like we got a house on wheels.

Like camping out like when I was a kid.

I can't see you as a kid, you know?

Well, I know I can't see you as a kid.

I always thought you were just like there, right?

You on Facebook?

No, how about you?

Yeah, I opened an account...

...when Katie split up with me. Yeah.

I thought it would be a good way to be more social.

You know, all my kids are on Facebook. They have a good time. They like it.

Yeah, mine is too.

Well, did it really help your social life?

Well, yes and no.

I connected with some friends in Australia.

And then I found out that Katie was on Facebook as well.

What did you find out?

Well, she had her settings kind of private.

Then I found her boyfriend's page.

And there were photos there of them together...

...and, you know, holding hands... Yeah.

...and walking off into my fucking sunset.

What in the hell really happened between you and Katie anyway?

Well, we opened a shoe business. And?

She had a shoe designer friend and they opened a storefront.

People would log in, vote for the shoes they wanted... and then they would make the shoes... depending on what led the requests.

That sounds like a bullshit gimmick to me.

Yeah, well, it sucked a big one, man, because it went broke.

And I'm a... I put a lot of my money into that.

Pretty much my whole savings. Right.

And then Katie gets on my back... because I wasn't behind it enough "spiritually."

Oh, spiritually. Yeah, thank you very much.

I could not believe her.

Well, some women you just can't make happy no matter what you do, you know?

I don't want much. Someone to talk the news over with.

Someone to have breakfast with, have a cup of tea.

Sleep with at night.

It can't be that difficult, can it?

I don't know.

Yeah, Strokkur, he's conjuring.

Do you want some accompaniment? Yeah.

Give me a little background music there, will you?

Nothing's happening. Come on, Strokkur.

Why are you dancing? You that excited? I'm excited about this. You kidding me?

Gonna wet your pants? No.

I've already gotten my pants wet. Come on, Strok.

Come on, stroke it out of there.

All right, here we go. Hey, abra-cadabra.

You're gonna make me cry. Hurry up. Get on out of there. Come on.

Something's...

There he is.

All right.

How about that, Mother Rue?

You got that one? How good did that feel?

That's fantastic. Are you smiling?

I can't see jack crap, man.

Hold on. Windshield wipers.

God, I can't see nothing. Here, take my camera.

All right. We got another one.

All right.

What do you think about that mother?

That is unbelievable.

Now tell me you're not having fun. Yeah.

We did it.

Let's go for three. Number three.

We want number three. Yes, yes, yes.


Hey, honey, how you doing?

Oh, jeez.

Sweetheart.

Oh, you're gorgeous.

When did you retire?

Ellen said you retired.

Yeah, about a month ago. Yeah, how come?

Times change, people change.

What about you, asshole? Why did you retire?

I retired because I could.

Now I'm looking at going back to work, but I don't want to go back to work.

Come on, let's take a walk.

Let's take a walk.

It's dark, mate.

Yeah, but I've got the lightning sticks. Come on.

Yeah, what do I do with that? You crack it.

Crack it? And it glows.

You can't see with those.

I was in the Marine Corps. Come on, get your ass up.

Do they use glow sticks in the Marine Corps, Mitch?

No.

Mitch? Yeah?

I can't see anything. You can see me. That's all that matters.

Oh, God. Yeah, that's a bonus.

Wait a minute.

Did you hear that? What? What?

Listen.

Oh, it's one of those bears that might come eat your ass.

There's no bears in Iceland, Mitch.

Polar bears float in on icebergs here all the time, boy.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, God.

What did you step in? Oh, God. I don't know.

Let's go up here to the top of this little mountain here. This hill.

What hill? This little hill right up here.

You can see a hill? Yeah, right up here.

Yeah, you who can't see at night. Get up here so we can get a better view.

Man, this is an adventure. You can't see a hill.

We can see the...

Yeah, it's probably a cliff. Yeah, but... Come on.

Come on, Mitch.

I think we're off the path, Colin. Great.

Where do you think the path is?

I don't know. I don't know.

We've lost track of the hotel for a while.

You know, this reminds me... when I was fox hunting with my grandpa back in Kentucky.

I had to go to the bathroom and I wasn't gonna take a crap out there in the woods.

And I got lost for three or four hours trying to make it back to grandpa's house.

Really. That's encouraging.

Which way do you think we should go? You're leading. You tell me.

This is like one of those horror movies.

Out here in the middle of nowhere, you know?

I don't know why I listen to a word you say, Mitch, because it's all bullshit.

Why do we have to be out here?

Why do we have to stumble in the dark? We're having an adventure.

Yeah, but you went for it.

Yeah, that's because you won't take no for an answer.

All right? It always has to be your way.

I'm Mitch. I'm the fucking Marine.

Remind me. Next time I'll bring somebody else with me to Iceland.

Yeah? You got some other ex-relations that you can bamboozle?

Oh, yeah. Why are you always on the move?

Why don't you just stop? Stay still.

Don't you ever just wanna sit? Life is too fucking short.

And look out the window. Life is too short to sit still.

Yeah, I want the rest of my life to be more relaxed than this experience, all right?

I'll get you a rocking chair.

You can sit on your porch. Fuck it, Mitch.


Wake up.

Damn, I was just getting comfortable.

It's light enough to make our way back.

You know which way it is?


I heard y'all talking...

...and are y'all from the States? Yeah.

Hey, how about that. Me too.

So, what y'all doing here, anyway?

We're actually on our honeymoon.

Moon! Oh, honeymoon. Yeah.

So how long y'all been married?

It's day four. Couple days, yeah.

Four days? Yeah.

Four days, that's wonderful.

The advice that my grandpa gave me, I'll give y'all.

Just remember:

Don't let the sun rise or set on a problem that you have... and you'll do right by yourselves.

What y'all been doing here?

We haven't done that much yet. Been staying in your room?

Yeah. Little bit.

How many times have you hit the mat in the last four days?

Oh, no comment?


Believe it or not, I spent my honeymoon at Walt Disney World.

Can you imagine that?

Oh, is that a bunch of crap, huh? Yeah.

But guess what, that's what we did.

Now, are y'all gonna have kids, now? How old are y'all anyway?

Well, now, hold on a minute. Let me guess, okay?

This gorgeous young thing over here with that beautiful skin, beautiful face...

I say she's 21.

And for you, I'm gonna go 26.

Was that...? How close? Was I right?

No. I'm 35, she's 30.

Are you kidding me?

That gorgeous thing looks like she just stepped out of a cradle.

She is so young. I figured they might be gonna put you in jail.

If you were 35, they could put you in jail for that, you know.

I don't know about that. Because she looks... a lot younger than 30.

One little thing I wanna tell you... and I don't want her to hear, so I'll whisper it in your ear.

Here, just a sec, okay?

Just remember:

She's always, always right. Never wrong.

No matter what she says, you say, "Yes, ma'am. You're right."

Just keep on that right track, and you'll be okay.

Got it? Yeah.

Pleasure, pleasure of life.

Maybe we'll do breakfast in the morning. How's that sound?

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Maybe in the morning.

Cheers. Cheers.


Mitch!

God! I'm sorry.

I knocked on the door, you didn't answer.

I needed to talk to you. What time is it?

Oh, it's really late.

For Pete's sake, it's really late. It's really late.

When I'm freaking out, man, I need to talk to you.

Between us get hung out there in that field... and Janet's story she told us the other night... this place reminds me of a ghoulish place, you know?

Just, just chill. Freaking out. Really freaking.

Freaking. Freaking! Jesus.

I'm freaking. God.

Just need somebody to talk to.

It's okay. I've forgiven you.

Everything's fine. You're a grown man.

I'm going to bed.

All right? Now, hold it.

Stay up just a little bit. Come on.

Chat with me. Please.

Please.

Do you have any pot with you?

Do I have any pot with me? Do you?

Well, let's... You know I always have pot with me.

I thought it was a stupid question. Yeah.

How about we have some. All right?

I tell you what, you mentioning that almost makes me cry.

Thank you.

Okay.

Does this bring back any memories, you turd?

A buddy and I... we were smoking this stuff... and we were outside shooting wine casks with a shotgun.

Then the guy with the shotgun saw a rat climbing up the wall of the house.

Was it a real rat? It was a real rat.

Okay.

I thought it might've been you climbing up the wall.

It was the most amazing thing, honestly.

Was just...

And I remember flying home that night.

Flying home? Oh, cool.

Yep. With no airplane, right?

That figures, you know.

There was no airplane, but I remember definitely drifting above the road.

It was really good stuff.

This kind, you were just elevating, huh?

Levitating? Cool.

I like that feeling.

I like that up, and going... How is it? Oh, man.

Delicious? Exquisite.

Hey, good.

You always buy good stuff. Ought to be, it's expensive.

But it's good Icelandic stuff, man.

Turn the lights off when you leave.

Hey, you're not gonna go to sleep on me, huh?

All right, go ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

Yeah, why don't you. Okay.

And just so I won't be...

So I won't be lonesome, I'll make sure nobody bothers you.

Okay? Okay. Tell you what.

Do whatever you want, Mitch. It's... You're cool, man.

We try. Thank you very much.

This is what it's all about. Elvis has left the building.

Elvis is levitating out of the building.

Right on up through the roof.

God, that stuff is strong.

Sure is.

Just cruising, baby. Just cruising.


Know what we need to liven up this trip?

Let's start off by naming our five favorite celebrity females... that we'd like to have sex with. I'll start off.

Number one: Demi Moore.

Her hips.

Julia Roberts, her lips, is number two.

Number three: Everything about Halle Berry.

Number four: Jenna Elf man. All right, all right.

Her long, long legs. All right.

You know what? I don't like lists.

That's what they do on Facebook. Rank everything.

Just leave it alone.

And I really, really question Julia Roberts. Totally.

She was great in Pretty Woman, man. She did it for free, she did it for money.

And then she found love. That's what it's all about.

Yeah, that's Hollywood. Hollywood.

My Aunt Jenny used to make lists of everything like that.

Her recipes, her favorite movies, her movie stars... all those kind of things, you know?

Did she make a "favorite nephews" list?

Oh, come on, you horse's ass.

I know she loved me.

Because, you know, we played tennis two or three times a week.

Do you ever watch any tennis? No, not much.

Well, there was this guy named Nadal.

He's a professional player.

Spanish guy.

Good-looking guy, that's why the broads like him.

I like him because he's a good tennis player.

But he's got this damn bad habit, which has become a trademark... where he's all the time digging in his ass... like he's got goats in his garden.

Picking his wedgie.

Picking his wedgie. Picking his wedgie.

Damn, that looks like the Mississippi River, buddy.

Oh, boy. Can't really see how deep it is...

...out there in the middle. Yeah.

What do you think? I don't know.

You think this thing will make it through that deep water or not?

Well, it's built for it, man.

I think. Yeah.

How about if we wade out in the middle and see how deep it is?

You think?

I'll do it. All right?

You get the car nice and toasty, and I will do it.

All right, boy, you got it. All right.


Oh, my. Oh, my goodness.

I thought you was gonna get a shower out there.

Shut up.

That solves that problem.

Yeah.

Right-o.

Oh, here we go again.

Yeah, it's just water. Hey!

Oh, yeah.

Just like the old days, buddy. Yeah, yeah.


Hey, there.

Hey, there, neighbor. Howdy, neighbor.

Mitch. Nadine.

Nice meeting you, Nadine.

Hi. Hi.

Colin. Good to meet you. Hi, Colin.

Yeah, nice meeting you too. You're American?

No, I'm Canadian, thank you.

Hey, John Candy, my favorite Canadian.

What province? That's... Good actor.

I'm from Ontario.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Nice. Yeah. Beautiful.

You hiking? Yeah.

I'm hiking. Came on vacation to just do...

You know, take pictures and just check things out.

Yeah. Cool.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna head off.

And I will see you guys later.

We'll catch you later. Maybe have a drink...

...or a smoke. Okay.

Sounds like a good plan. Be safe.

Wonder if she knows what you mean by "smoke."

I got a big surprise for you, buddy.

I got a big surprise for you, buddy. You got a surprise for me?

I have a surprise for you. What's your surprise?

I'm not telling you. You tell me yours. No, you tell me yours first.

Where are we? Iceland.

What can you buy in Iceland you can't buy in the U.S.?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Cuban cigars.

Cuban cigars. Yes.

What's your surprise?


Way to go.

Pretty good. Oh, yeah.

Oh, look at that. That'll do.

Your favorite, baby. I'm gonna grab these.

Careful. Don't burn yourself. No, I'll be fine.

I got something I need to tell you... and I hope you won't hold it against me.

Hope you don't think any less of me.

But I gotta get it off my chest.

Truth is, I been retired for six months.

Really?

Yeah. Six months.

What happened, man?

Well... the short version... is I actually had two choices.

I could get fired... or take the retirement plan... which is being put out to pasture.

And I chose put out to pasture, so they gave me a good retirement deal.

But you know how I am. I worked my whole life, you know.

Always had something to do.

Now I don't have a shitting thing to do.

And I realized...

that, hell, this damn trip is for me.

And I hope you'll forgive me for lying to you... and keeping these things from you... and actually tricking you into coming on this trip, you know?

It's a pretty lousy thing to do. Really, Mitch.

I know. Buy tickets to Iceland... drive through the country, stay at hotels... eat good food, I mean, that is really low.

Man. We're still alive, eh?

I'm not dead yet.

Not dead yet.


Steve McQueen. That's a Steve McQueen movie.

Yeah, that's what it was.

Nadine, you sure this wouldn't be better with, like, us not here... and just the mountain and the stream, and...?

Believe me, you guys make the shot.

Just don't pay attention to me.

Just keep relaxing.

Speaking of shot, it'd be nice to have a couple of shots right now.

She's worked us out. Yeah, I know.

Okay, look at me.

I got you. Oh, come on. That was perfect.

All right, you like that, huh? You're not getting it.

Great. Hey, you think this picture's gonna...

When we go to Paris, this picture's gonna be in a prominent place in the Louvre?

Okay? Or you think it's gonna be in a fold-out on Playgirl magazine, baby?

You're gonna be right next to the Mona Lisa, baby.

We look at you, or look at the camera?

Okay, look at me. Under Mona Lisa or over Mona Lisa?

Okay, come on. Behave.

No, can't do that.

Okay. Thank you.

It's a pleasure.

Okay.

How about the Caddyshack?

Here comes the... The Baby Ruth candy bar, baby.

Don't eat it, okay? Just remember, okay?

Again?

Look at me. Look at you.

We can look at you, honey. Anytime.

It's absolutely amazing in here.

Not bad at all.

Invigorating.

Have you always been a photographer?

On and off since college.

Yeah? Yeah.

Is that it? Anything else? Well, actually, I work in a bank.

I studied photography in school, but I mean...

...I've gotta make a living. I used to be a branch manager.

You're kidding? Yeah.

That's what I am. Deadly serious.

Okay. Welcome to Iceland.

Oh, well, thank you.

This must be where all the bank managers come.

Exactly.

Yeah, but he was a great French horn player.

He was the Al Hirt of French horns, if you like jazz... and he's the Beethoven of the French horn, if you like classical.

I can see that. You have that musician's air about you.

It's... Really? Yeah.

Must be what I'm wearing.

So you do play something? No.

No? No, nothing at all.

You sing? No.

Terrible.

Okay. Absolutely terrible.

I... Yeah, I went to karaoke a few months ago... and I slaughtered the song "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac.

It's a good song. Not the way I sing it.

That's a shame.

It is.

Dear. I do a great Bonnie Raitt karaoke.

I always forget the words.

That's why they have them on the screen.

Yeah, but if you're too loaded to read them...

Yeah, well, I forgot about that.

Think I'm gonna cut out on you guys.

I think I need a little doob-ification, if you know what I mean.

Okay. Okay.

Little doob-ification.

Are both of you going?

No. No, I'll stay.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Why not?

Yeah, sounds good.

I look like a wrinkled prune. I'd hate you to see that.

I'm gonna wait till it gets dark, okay.

Peter O'Toole, Steve Guttenberg, and Jennifer Tilly.

You don't have a clue, do you? No I haven't... I have no idea.

It's High Spirits.

Did you ever see...

- ...Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Yes.

When Steve Martin's in jail trying to remember the name... of Michael Caine's character, and he's there and he's going:

"Fif... Fifen... Fifenhausen."

And he goes through all of these... All these stupid names. That's funny.

Okay. Me. All right.

I'll give you an easy one. Okay.

Danny DeVito... Okay.

...and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Twins.

Please. It's one of my favorite films.

I love that film.

"Vincent."

Come on. Give me another one. Give me another.

"Vincent, I am your brother."

"Oh, obviously. The minute I sat down, I thought I was looking in a mirror."

"You're such a girly man."

All right. All right. Gotta love Arnold.

This has been fun. Yeah.

I don't know if I've been this relaxed for a long time.

Yeah, this has been really nice.

Yeah. How about another dip in the morning? You wanna do that?

Actually, I'm heading out.

Really? Yeah.

Heading up to the airport.

Well, that's a shame.

Yeah.

Well, that leaves me with Mitch.

Who is not a good substitute for you.

I have a really nice warm spot here.

Why don't you come over?

Over there?

It sounds like a really good idea, doesn't it?

Yeah. If you don't mind. Because it's kind of cool over here.


You know, I did one of your crossword puzzles yesterday evening.

I did pretty good at it until I got up to the right-hand corner... and there was some Siberian river that started with a Y.

Yenisey.

Yup, that was it.

I'm gonna be sorry to leave this place, Mitch.

Don't get that Sunday afternoon attitude, you know?

It's not over with yet. We still got the spa.

Spa? What spa? The spa. We talked about the spa.

No, we didn't talk about the spa. Well, thing about it is this... you don't worry about it, I got the spa handled.

Good. Got it handled for you.

Good times are still coming.