Larry Crowne (2011) Script

Hey, Sam! Hi, Larry.

Morning!


Ready?

Trainee!

Welcome to UMart.

Easy now. Easy. Easy. Try this, right here.

Oh!

But they're not... Actually, Mr Avery!

How much does this go for? $279.69

$279.69 That was a wild ride from this horsey for that little pickle bug! Wasn't it?

I am so sorry. No, I understand.

This happens all the time, but it's usually the helicopter.


Ah!

You zone the entire depot, every rack, before you punch out.

It's not just policy. it's the right thing to do.

What'd they say? You have to listen twice.

Larry Crowne to the common break area.

"Larry Crowne to the common break area"?

Yeah, that's what I heard. I wonder why.

It's Employee of the Month day.

Spectacular!

How many will this be?

Oh, I'm not saying. Nine.

Larry Crowne on deck, as ordered.

Hey, Vicky, where were you in Alvarez' baby pool?

I had last week. What a dope.

Front office personnel are recommended to leave the employee pools to the hourly staff, Larry. You know that.

That's too bad. You could've won a hundred bucks.

Cubby, make tracks, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just taking a break in the common break area.

You know, I think I know what this is about.

I don't think you do.

Crowne... Mmm.

...there's been a restructuring ordered throughout the UMart nation.

Now, "restructuring" is their word.

Ask me, it's a pain in the tuchis.

That's right, isn't it, tuchis, where you get kicked?

A Yiddish word, yeah. Absolutely. it's like the buttocks. Tuchis and buttocks, synonymous.

Well, it hurts when you get kicked back there no matter what language you're speaking.

You bet.

Larry, I'm sorry, but we've come to a parting of the ways, UMart and you.

Miss Hurley will explain.

U Mart’s policy is to never limit the opportunities of our employees, no matter their race, gender, age, sexual orientation.

It's all published on the website.

A mandatory review of the records of all team leaders has revealed that you never matriculated to a university or college.

That makes you a 4 on the advancement scale of 1 to 4, 4 being the least recommended.

You're limited in your opportunities for all further advancement corporate-wide, and that's something UMart does not do.

That's, uh, something UMart does not do.

Well, this sounds like you're firing me.

See, Larry, here's the problem.

Your lack of educational background is gonna forever retard your movement up the UMart ladder.

You're forever retarded, Crowne, 'cause you didn't go to college.

SMU. Class of '86. That's solid gold, man.

They just don't give those away.

Three years, Chico State.

So, that's why everybody's made front office except me?

You and I went head-to-head, Larry.

I mean, who'd have thought I'd get promoted over you?

I chose the Navy right out of high school.

I did almost 20 years.

Weren't you a cook?

We'd like to thank you for your service to the nation, Larry, and, frankly, in all seriousness, for your service to UMart, too, but that's over with now.

Absolutely. Hey, ho, hey, pizza left.

One slice. Anybody want it? No.

Larry?

No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen, please, please, don't, I cannot be Tired.

These last couple years have just been a bloodbath.

I mean, I have really taken a beating.

Hey, we've all gotten our clocks cleaned by our ex-wives. Am I right?

Larry, the timing on something like this is always a bitch.

It's always a bitch.

I thought I was gonna be Employee of the Month.

Well, in a way, you are.


According to your website, the position is still open.

So, once again, this is Larry Crowne with an "E" calling in regards to any possible retail sales or management position.

It's been filled? Thank you.


Hello! You have got to be the manager, am I right?

Wish I could help. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks. Thanks anyway. Times are tough.

Tell me about it.

I'm pointing out that with very little effort you can still pay off that 392 K you owe.

No, I can't.

And I was told refinancing would always be possible.

Well, three years ago, I would have given you half a million dollars on your signature.

But things change.

You're now unemployed, and your house isn't worth what you still owe.

Mr Crowne, I'm gonna get you some complimentary coffee, and we have a lot of good things to talk about.

Lots of good things.

First on the agenda is liquidating your assets.

No! Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

What the hell are you doing?

Larry Crowne, there has been a yard sale at 8642 Derby Court since Lionel Richie was dancing on the ceiling.

That means I have a monopoly on this location.

You go yard on me, I will have to take you down.

Lamar, I lost my job.

No. You got fired?

Yes. When?

Last Friday.

That's how they do it. On a bloody Friday.

Security walks you out.

Come Monday, the fired man is the forgotten man. It's diabolical.

They said it's because I didn't go to college.

And you believed that? The Man wanted you gone.

Look at my skin colour. I know what I'm talking about.

So, you going on unemployment?

If I have to.

That's not gonna be enough to cover your nut.

Taking a loan out to buy out Denise's half of the house, that was a bad idea. Huh!

I told you how to avoid divorce lawyers.

You get married and you stay married.

Come on.

Come with me. Come on.

Hey, B'Ella. Got anything new?

Ooh, Larry! Dance lessons from the '50s.

You don't have any of these, I promise.

He can't afford them. He lost his job. They let him go.

Oh, Larry. I'm so sorry. Yeah.

And we gonna get him something better than a job.

An education. Oh!

Get you some knowledge and you'll be fireproof.

Oh, yeah, that's right, Larry. You're never too old to learn.

Just listen to my husband. He hasn't called The Man boss in years.

Oh, yeah, I remember why.

Yeah! Yeah! I won! I won!

Whoo! I won all this money!

Well, Uncle Sam took his half. That's gonna be 50 cents for the book.

They give these away for free.

Well, they do. I don't.

Ten cents. Four dimes, two nickels.

Twelve cents. Half a buck.

Seventeen cents. One dollar and I'll take half off.

Keep it.

Larry, okay, 35 cents, Larry.


Dave Busik, Dean of Student Services.

Oh. Larry Crowne.

Nice to meet you, Larry. Back to college, huh?

No, no, this is the first time ever for me.

I was in the Navy for 20 years.

Coast Guard. Adventure of a lifetime.

I was a cook.

Culinary specialist.

We teach a whole track in hotel and restaurant food preparation.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I did that long enough.

Then I got into a whole different line of work, until I was downsized.

I'm here to make sure that never happens again.

Say, did you ever think about studying tai chi?

No, sir. Cured my diabetes, no lie.

I recommend Speech 217.

"The Art of Informal Remarks.

"From toasts to job interviews, Speech 217 will teach you

"how to communicate with ease and confidence. "

This class'll change your life.

And you'll like the teacher.

You ready to go to work? How about this?

Speech 217, Econ 1... You bet.

... Composition 1. You learn how to talk. Right.

You learn how to do business, and you learn how to write about it.

Three classes, but you're gonna have to get in there, work.


I'm telling you, every cop has to stop me, man.

Well, maybe it's the leatherjacket.

No, it's not. Talia gave me this jacket, man.

She said I'd look like a brown James Dean.

Who's James Dean?

Hey! What's cooking there, Joe College?

Can you get this hunk of junk working?

I don't sell junk. Let me get my good tools.

Larry Crowne. You've got a lot of money in those albums of yours.

Yeah? Yeah.

They'll sell on the eBay. I can show you how.

You know this machine is a classic, right?

Yeah, okay. But does it work?

It will for $800.

Oh, Lamar, I'm thinking like 200.

Okay. 700.

-200. -650.

Gonna be a long day with those two. Mmm-hmm.

-630. -200.

626.

Lamar, I have no money. I'm out of a job. $200.

You're my neighbour. 625, and I'll throw in the oil change.

I have an idea.

Okay. This is a simple machine. All right, this is your gas, your brake.

I want you to put your foot on that pedal down there.

This is your starter button. Push that.

Nice. You gonna need a special license.

How fast does it go? Oh, pretty...

No, the brake, the brake!

Larry!

Sorry! Sorry!

It's got power!

Please enter your...


What sin did you commit to have a class at 8:00 a. m.?

Earning a master's in comparative political discourse in the plays of Shakespeare and Shaw. You?

Well, I just started race-walking at the track. It was fun.

I hope I am never like that.

When was the last time you looked at your life and saw nothing but fraud?

How long have you been teaching?

I used to remember.

You're right on time.

I wonder if I make a dollop of difference to anyone sitting in my classroom.

We used to, until Facebook and Twitter killed whatever attention span they had left.

Well, it's 7:52. Come on, we gotta get going.

Off I go. On my way.

Time for class.

That's a damn fine Zipper, mister.

It did get me here for a nickel's worth of gas.

Didn't see you in the scooter pit last term.

Oh, this is my first day of college, ever.

I love that.

You an ex-cop?

No. Why would you think that?

Tucking in a polo shirt makes you look like one.

And the glasses don't help.

Well, no, I'm just a student.

You don't happen to know where the Speech and Communications Building is, do you?

Didn't know there was one.

This is it?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

My day has just been made.

Excuse me?

This class is cancelled.

The state charter requires a minimum of 10 students per class or else it costs more for us to be here than not, so.

I mean, did you really want a class at 8:00 a. m.? I didn't.

No. Okay, thanks, anyway.

Is this Speech 217?

See if you can ind yourself a seat.

My name is Miss Tainot, T-A-I-N-O-T, Tainot.

Not "Tie-knot". Tay-no.

This is what you are going to learn to do in my class.

If you do not care about this class, then neither do I.

If you do not participate and show up with enough sleep to make it through the 55 minutes, three dawns a week, that I have to be here then you do not care about Speech 217, the Art of Informal Remarks.

So, get out.

Get out, now! Go, right now! Go!

It was worth a try. Well, when next we meet, this is what we're gonna do.

Each of you is going to address the class for the first time.

You will tell us how to do something that you already know how to do.

Miss Tie-knot?

Uh, Tay-knot?

Tae-Bo?

Really?

Who are you?

Steve Dibiasi. D-I-B-I-A-S-I.

Only two days before I gotta get up and give my speech?

You may be dreaming.

Why are you here, Steve?

Dean of Student Services said your class would change my life.

I gotta take this.

Yo. Dude, I left it right there.

In the cigar box, under the coffee table, where it always is.

I didn't check there.

Repeat after me.

Repeat.

Steve cannot take calls right now.

Steve can't take calls right now.

He's learning to care.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Hi. We have Speech 217 together.

Can you believe we have to get up and give a speech in our very next class?

Yeah. She scares me.

Oh, my God. Fancy this bit of destiny. Hello!

I've been thinking about you and I don't even know your name.

Larry. Larry Crowne. Hi.

This is, uh...

Lala. Lala.

Larry and Lala. I don't think so.

I used to be Kathryn, until I looked in the mirror and saw a girl named Talia.

My real name is Celestine.

Celestine? How gorgeous.

You.

Lance. Lance Corona.

Wanna join my gang? You're in a gang?

I hang with like-minded scooter enthusiasts.

Ugh;

I'll give you a text, and you can do some free-wheeling.

You have entered Economics 1, Econ Prime.

Trying to make sense of the complicated structure of economic law and theory?

It's confusing until you read this course pack written by Ed Matsutani, Ph. D.

That's me.

Read this and follow me to economic enlightenment and power.

That usually scares people.

Yet none of you have fled.

A good economic indicator.

Let us begin.

Only four of you.

This class is cancelled.

Let's see. Oh.

Oh, hello.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I likey, I likey.

Hey! Who's home early, huh?

Ophelia, out of the pond.

First day of term calls for a celebration.

You'd think so.

Um...

You know what? I built a flamethrower of a posting for Warriorweb, which, if I do say so myself, would feed nicely as an outline for Carrier: Second Angel.

Good for you.

Yeah, then I crushed 1,000 calories at 24-Hour Fitness.

You know no one's there after 9:00 a. m.'?

Go figure.

After a smooth nap and a double espresso, man, I hit three hours of Blog and Talk for CyberShare. Whoa.

You don't believe me.

Why wouldn't I believe you?

I'm writing, Mercy. Look, this is what I do, all day. That’s what I do.

Mmm.

You're looking at porn.

What?

Oh!

Fine!

So, yeah, Thought Police, take me away.

I saw some erotica. I'm a man, I admit it.

Took you a while.

Yeah, and it's not... it's barely porn. And I'm not hiding it.

Yes, you are.

Everybody hides something.

I have no secrets from you.

I walk in that door and Till you in on every high and low in my day.

Today's low?

A toss-up between a cancelled Shakespeare and an Intro to Ren Lit with 20 heads who think the Renaissance is a fair they go to every July.

My high? I'm drinking it.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm.

Brain freeze.

No secrets. it's perfection. That is you.

It gets the bills paid.

See, that's what you hide from me.

I mean, you walk in the door pissed off because...

And I'm sorry, I have established a beachhead in new media while you still teach at Vassar of the Valley.

And that is what you hide from me.

You look at Bra Busters Triple-X, hoping I don't know or don't care, but I do, and I don't like it.

You know, it may look like I don't work hard around here, Mercy, but I do.

I'm just a guy who is a guy being a guy when you're not around.

Oh, well, and walking away is great for a relationship.

I'm a guy who's a guy being a guy!

That's all!

Everyone says that women's lacrosse is not a real sport because you can't body check, but that's just not true.

If you want to get out your real aggression before a game just check yourself against the wall.

And then do 10 push-ups!

Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!

B- E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! Be aggressive!

Thank you. Ladies lacrosse.

I didn't realise. Uh, who's next?

All right. I'll be the bad guy.

Miss Crowne, please.

You mean me?

Mr Crowne, excuse me.

Go.

My presentation will be on the very particular subject of how to prepare restaurant-quality French toast.

But don't worry, I'll speak in English.

The key ingredients of restaurant-quality French toast are bread, eggs milk, vanilla extract, oil or melted butter, cinnamon, nutmeg, powdered sugar and eggs.

Ahead of myself here.

A few words about syrups.

Thank you. French toast.

Direct and informative.

Next, please.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I got one now!

You will dig it.

Are you clairvoyant?

No. Steve Dibiasi.

Testing, one, two, three, testing.

Toaster waffles, the easy breakfast.

Put 'em in a toaster; wait, pop 'em out.

Eat 'em like a sandwich.

No mess to clean up.

Ding-ding! Applause, please!

He got that from... That was my French toast.

Who's next?

Well, my speech is on the five dance steps every man should know.

The first of which is the commonly known two-step, so.

And for the more advanced, there's the butterfly.

As I said in chapter three the science of economics is a relatively simple discipline told by hard numbers.

Anyone who can add, subtract, multiply, and divide can divine its truths.

The social science of economics is told by an ephemeral language.

Contracts, quality differentials, pressure trends, the intangible elements of the Individual Value Index.

Us? Scoot?

Subtle interpretation is required.

Yeah. Why not?

As is full concentration.

Your device, please.

They call them "smart phones", but only dummies use them in my class.

Let us begin with the quality differential.

(Dew Like I don't know a cop when I see one.

My Dell Gordo.

This is Lance Corona.

Classmate and, so far, good guy.

You gotta untuck the shirt, Lance.

So, you wanna ride with us?

Sure. Why not?

Snap along, Lance, or you can't join the gang.

Okay, okay. You're in for a trial run.


Hey! How you doing?

Great! Where are we going?

You know, we'll just ride around till we get a bit hungry then maybe get a bite to eat. You know a place?

Yeah, I know a place. Great! Show us!

Follow me!

Frank's a good guy. We're both veterans.

He did 20 years in the Marines.

Hey, kid. You pump iron, don't you?

What do you think?

I think you're wasting your time. Really?

Yeah, you should just do push-ups. Yeah?

Yeah, you see this body here?

One time, it was nothing but a mass of chiselled muscle and bone.

Really? What year was that?

19-kiss-my-ass.

I better get going. I have homework.

No! We just got boosted.

Yeah, you should come with us. We'll go check out some junk shops, thrift stores.

Would a yard sale do?

I know a spectacular yard sale. it's open every day.

Then ye shall lead us, Lance Corona.

Let's go.

Frank, thanks very much!

You're welcome, Larry. Take care.

We're being invaded!

Larry. What kind of thugs did you get involved with?

Just my college buddies. College buddies?

Whoa, hey, hey, kid, kid, you...

TV trays. Postmodernism. That's art.

It's a bargain at 100 bucks apiece.

For these? Yeah.

Look, if you want them, let's get to haggling.

(Dew A buck apiece. Ninety-nine.

Two bucks. Ninety-eight. See how this is working?

Uh-huh. $2.25.

$97.50, and, kid, I do this every day.

No.

No.

These would look perfect on you. And I think they'll it.

Could be really cute. Ooh!

I'm kidding with you. Eight bucks and they're yours.

You almost went for it. Uh, no, I didn't, I didn't.

$97.50, you were like, "Whoa, that's a lot for TV trays," but no, no, not really, when you think about it.

B'Ella says he keeps his door unlocked.

(Say How trusting.

So, this is where you disappeared to. it's so cluttered and dark.

Lance, nothing but treasures next door.

Oh, look. He's a man, and he lives alone.

Are you two walking in on all the neighbours?

Sal cuts hair and she's gonna tackle yours.

She is? Yes, Lance. You need a haircut.

Where's your bathroom?

Uh, back through the bedroom.

Well, come on. First one's free.

How can you breathe with all this stuff?

I usually straighten up on weekends. I've been busy.

Just go see Sal.

I'm gonna need some muscle here.

So, what is going on out there?

Just introducing you to a little thing called feng shui.

Just gonna get rid of some of this clutter here, okay?

Yeah, just, you know, don't go crazy.

Let Talia do her thing. Okay? Life is easier.

Well, I did everything I could.

Nice.

Now I see the Lance of my dreams.

Mr Lance Corona.

Raise your right hand. Say something patriotic.

We'll be right back after these messages.

Welcome to the Street Patrol.

We ride for justice and beauty.

It's a full-time job, Lance.

Hey, Lance, remember to bring the sides forward, pat down the back.

You are way cooler than you appear.

Well, you know, sometimes it just comes down to a good haircut.

Thank you! Had to be done, Lance!

Oh, Lance.

You know, every man falls in love with Talia.

And you will, too, if you haven't already.

But I love her the mostest. Know that right now.

Seriously, don't make me keep my eyes on you.

What's your real name, Lance? Larry Crowne, with an "E".

Don Gordon, with a Shake hands.

Look each other in the eyes.

Firm grips. No contest, but firm.

Hold it.

Stack it.

One word, Lance, peace.

Peace, indeed.

Spectacular!

Spectacular!

So, this is feng shui.

Hi, Larry!

Pennies per mile, Lamar! Pennies!

I told you that machine was a classic!

I think he got me on that deal.

.D I've treacle and toffee

♫ I've tea and I've coffee

♫ Soft tommies and succulent chops Please enter your destination.

♫ I've chickens and conies and pretty polonies Miss Tainot!

Miss Tainot! ♫ Excellent peppermint drops I can't believe this.

♫ Then buy of your Buttercup

♫ This man is looking at me

it's Larry Crowne!

Right, his I have you for Speech 217 in just a couple of minutes.

Yes, you do.

I saw you singing. Oh, I'm just drowning out the GPS.

See? It never stops.

Well, no wonder, that's a Map Genie.

Back when I sold you such things, I would've steered you toward a Vortex, 'cause the Map Genie has... it's very complicated.

Well, no wonder, the auto-on feature is engaged.

So, menu, select, features, auto, voice select.

Change? Yes. On/off.

Off. Change? Yes.

Save, and back, back, back, back, and exit.

Oh.

How long was that broken? Ever since my husband installed it himself.

Well, it's all fixed now. Thank you.

What are you gonna make us do today in class, hmm?

You'll just have to End out.

Follow me.

Interesting.

Looking down at your notes, your hands, is a downer.

Look up at your audience.

Find not one but three different focal points and move your attention to each one.

Start on the one side, looking into the eyes of whoever's there.

Hello. Hi.

The center is where major points are made.

Make them there.

Once you've come to the other side, you know you've included everyone in the conversation.

You don't wanna spend too much time on any one focal point.

If you're looking and speaking to only one of your audience, that person may get the wrong message.

Who wants to be first?

If the balance on axis A is the same metric as axis B, deficits appear because of overhead, taxes and reinvestment.

Translation?

Miss Francesco.

Something very complicated.

Mr Crowne.

The break-even paradox of the static-How assumption?

That is the correct answer, from page 56.

Someone's been reading the course pack.

While economic law abhors an assumption, the break-even paradox creates a whole new metric, an illusory flow that appears proactive but is, in fact, static.

Holy smoke! You've got inventory.

Yes, I do.

Bad feng shui, though.

This is all unproductive capital sitting here, unless you're selling it on eBay.

Never buy clothes you don't try on.

You have to feel the fabric and test the drape.

I don't. Take off your pants.

What?

Take off your pants.

Really?

Get behind that rack and take off your pants!

You know, I can't really afford all these new threads.

'Tis gratis, Lance.

Lance, my boyfriend's here. Put your pants back on.

Yeah, Lance.

Put your pants back on.

Oh...

These are a little tight.

Hold on.

Two more, please.

I knew there was a reason I skipped college.

If I hadn't taken Matsutani's class, I'd never know how bad things really are. My gross assets, my true debit flow, my value index.

Well, if you need a job that'll hold you over there, Kemo Sabe, just ask.

You can still work a line, can't you?

Yeah, I think so.

All right, just work it out with Raul.

He's tough, but fair.

I'm the boss of this kitchen. You know why?

Because I'm tough, but I'm fair. Tough but fair.

You say you wanna work for me? Okay.

If you can use me.

Can I use you?

Hey, Nick, how many jobs you got?

Three, and I coach Little League.

En América, tres, en México, tres, en Panama, uno.

How long has it been since you manned a kitchen, anyway? it's been a few years.

Bang this bad boy out, then we'll see.

Order up!

Here they are. Okay.

You're gonna be on-call. You don't like it, walk.

I need to stay in school.

You can stay in a convent for all I care.

Just be on time and don't steal the flatware. Deal.

I'm a good boss, right? Great boss!

Tough, but fair.

Thank you.

This may be beyond comprehension, but there are many people who dismiss Deep Space Nine in favour of the original or The Next Generation.

Although I, too, am a fan of both of Roddenberry's visions, there is no version of Star Trek do not enjoy.

None.

As you can tell by my uniform, had I the chance to attend Starfleet Academy, I would have studied the Life Sciences.

Who's cutting my class? Where is Larry Crowne?

Maybe he got the flu.

Mr Mack, I apologise.

Please continue on with Star Wars.

In the deep space.

I can't even begin to tell you the difference between Star Trek and Lucas' Star Wars saga. it's...

Live long and prosper.

Energise.

Bankruptcy. An economy cannot be free without bankruptcy.

Its penalties are obvious, but what are its rewards?

I am so sorry I'm late.

Dr Matsutani, can I still sit in?

This is college, Mr Crowne.

There are only two things you can't do, smoke in the building and use your phone in my class.

Thank you.

The advantage of a bankruptcy works both ways? How?

You're here? You have some nerve showing your face after you've skipped my class.

Miss Tainot. A pleasure to see you.

Dr M. Oh, did he skip your class, also?

In fact, he was tardy.

Miss Tainot, this will never happen again. It will never happen again.

And the next class, you will be first up for Pop Topics.

Two minutes, Pop Topics, first up.

Interior design.

Workplace etiquette.

Good one.

I hope they're worth it!

No, no, no, seriously, they're amazing! All right.

Come on.

I don't believe this.

Sharing sweets with a little dolly.

I bet that's why he went to college.

Find a gal who has a thing for papa bear.

And hideous pink doughnuts.

Oh!

Isn't that adorable?

ooh! Who's this?

Wow, Larry! Nice job.

Hey, there, Project Runway! I choose you.

Hey, Johnny Cash. Where's your guitar?

Mr Crowne is First. Pick and speak.

Does this say "interior design"?

Let's say yes.

And go.

Interior design.

I know nothing about interior design.

But I don't have to, because I know this girl who does.

And the first time she came into my house she starts rearranging everything I own.

She starts throwing out, you know, junk, and rearranging my things and moving my furniture to places that it's never, ever been before.

And, before I know it, I have a Spartan interior design with traffic flow and feng shui, in which everything has to be set just so, otherwise the chi or the spirit of the house doesn't move.

Then she moves from my living room into my bedroom and that place is a horror show.

My closet is a disaster.

I have too many of the wrong kind of hangers and I don't have enough scarves to match my ensemble.

And my dresser drawers are pitiful. And she's throwing out...

Oh, I can't wear matching pyjamas only pyjama bottoms and a T-shirt.

Then she hops on my bed, and it's too hard!

Who lives here? The Flintstones? Ow, Bamm-Bamm, you hurt my neck.

Then she threw out every one of my shirts. Polo shirts are now forbidden.

Can anyone remember anything from that?

Feng shui actually works. I read about it in my Asian Studies class.

Something about the Flintstones.

Uh, Larry likes chicks to rearrange his junk.

That's what we women do. We take you men and we make you better.

We're moving off the topic. Thank you, Mr Crowne.

Chester, you're up.


Finally, get rid of these.

I get Dell to do the remodel and can restock everything I move in the wink of an eye.

Well, is...

Nice, thank you. Is this your plus-minus delta number?

But that's what I'm asking you. Square footage this cheap is a steal, right?

Low overhead, cheap labour. You will be in profit. Yeah, there.

I love you, Lance Corona! Well...

Hey, Dell.

I was just going back to work.

I'm working my ass off all night just to get one little f ricking smile out of you.

I'm smiling. Oh, yeah, like the Joker after three martinis.

If they help, they help.

You can't even have a date night now.

You can't even chilloot for one minute!

"Chilloot"? Did you just use the word "chilloot"?

Did that come from a Canadian blogger thesaurus?

Come on, let's just go home. Get in the car.

Could you please just hold on to the cheesecake so it doesn't slide back and forth? I'm allergic to cheesecake.

Is that too much to ask? Have you forgotten?

Oh, my God. What, are you...

Are you looking for a whole different kind of man? Mercedes? Is that it?

Sure.

I got news for you, I like myself, okay?

You know, I put up with you, and I complain about nothing!

I am not complaining. I am stating.

I work and you porn-surf and pretend to work. it's a statement.

That's so much bull right there, okay?

I had four postings today alone.

Fogcaster, Skyscan, Parsec12.com.

They're not postings, they're comments.

Comments! Like, "You're lame" is a comment.

And who are you to judge me, Boozilla?

You know, I know what really pisses you off.

What is really pissing you off is that I like big Knockers and you don't have any!

Maybe I should take that back.

Stop this car.

Stop this car.

I said I would take it back. Stop the car.

Oh, come on, it was a joke!

Let me out of this fucking car!

Give me that cheesecake. No, I take it back.

I take it back. How about you just drive?

Look, I'm letting you win!

Drive to a cliff on the coastline, mister!

So, everything that you say is right! You loser!

I married a loser! A childish, blogging loser!

Okay, you know what? Screw you, you washboard!

GO! Oh, chilloot!

I like big knockers!

Hey, Lance! Chick alert!

You are not gonna believe how fate meets cute.

Well, come on!

Look who's waiting for a bus! Miss Tainot?

Do you need a ride? Hop on.

Bust up your dance in the dell with Bambi? No, thanks.

Hey! Bambi was a boy.

Hey, can you spare your spare? Sure.

Thank you.

Where did you go? Just hooking Lance up, sweetie.

A man on a scooter can accomplish anything, Lance.

What do men see in irritating free spirits?

Seriously, I am offering you a ride.

Seriously, I can walk.

In those shoes?

You noticed my shoes?

Fine, I'll ride, but I will not wear that bucket on my head.

It's the law.

We're going so slow a cat could knock us over, you know that, right?

I've never given anyone a ride before! I wanna make sure we both survive!

Pardon me?

I said "ha, ha, ha".

Oh, look at this!

Somebody is getting pinched.

Put your hands behind your back, sir. No, you gotta be kidding me!

Ooh, this looks like a DUl. This guy's in trouble.

No! You have the right to an attorney.

Shut up, shut up! I know my rights! You understand that?

I know my rights! All right.

Here we go now. Hey!

Careful with that man's cheesecake, Officer! Now, watch your head.

He's very sensitive about his cheesecake!

Did you know what you just did?

I bet you 10 bucks that he barfs in the backseat.

It was a bad night for that guy.

Drive on, Macduff!

There it is!

On the left, got it.

On the left!

You're following me.

I'm just... I'm seeing you safely to your door, that's all.

Okay. Um...

Oh, my purse. Do you have my...

Oh, it's in the car. The car.

There's a key buried in that plant.

Whoo!

This it?

That is it.

There appears to be some choices.

Uh...

Let's see.

Let me get this for you.

Ooh!

I have 30 seconds to disarm the alarm or the cops will be here in half an hour.

They're slow. Slow cops.

Oh. Better get to it. Look away, please.

Two,

two, two, two.

Pound.

Gotcha.

An right!

Mission accomplished, Mr Man in the Black.

Good night, Miss Tainot. Missus.

I'm Mrs Tainot.

Can't you see that?

I assumed you preferred Miss.

Well, when you presume, you make a pretty pair of asses out of me and you.

Something like that, or...

Do you know what I noticed on the ride?

That you smell very pleasant.

Well, thank you.

Would you...

Would you like to kiss me?

Just if you... if you wanted to kiss me, it would really be your lucky night, because I'm half in the bag and my husband won't be home for, you know, three to five years.


Mmm-hmm! Mmm!

Wow!

Whoa! Did you feel that?

Oh, this is crazy.

Let's do that again, and this time, permission to cop a feel.

Uh, wait, okay, okay. Miss Tainot...

Mrs Tainot, Mrs Tainot...

Oh, please, it was... Wow!

Mrs Tainot, it is now time for both of us to do the right thing.

In you go. What?

Are you kidding? But I thought I smelled good, too.

Closing the door. How could you... Really? Really?

Lock the door.


I can see you, you know.

Good night, Mrs Tainot.


All right, buddy, get out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just keep it.

Oh, wow, great, thanks. it'll put my kid through college.

Oh, my God.

Aw, come on! Jerk!

Oh, God, I need coffee.

I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.

I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.

I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.

Jesus, hell, and tomorrow.

Mercy!

Oh, shit.

Fortune cookies! Chinese food tells you the future!

Sushi is fresh out of the sea. Tempura is fresh out of the oil.

Accent on fr-fr-fresh!

But it won't keep overnight like Kung Pao chicken.

Those flavours the next day are deep and delicious.

Samurais are amazing chefs!

I weigh, like, 90 pounds.

What's my 2:00 a. m. meal after a couple of puffs?

Chinese food in the Chinese carton with Chinese chopsticks!

Yeah, yeah! What about the MSG?

That's enough of the fake debate for today. Thank you for your passion.

That was so fun!

Mr Crowne?

A moment, please.

Sure. Uh-oh!

Sounds like you're in trouble.

Last night was a confluence of too many things happening in too short of a time span.

Yeah.

I believe there was an inappropriate exchange between teacher and student.

I was worked up and under the influence of the demon rum.

Reminded me of a spotty incident I once had with a parking lot attendant, which was...

At any rate, I hope the entire thing can be forgiven and forgotten.

If gossip of this nature were to circulate, it would be not only embarrassing, but my status as a professor could be tarnished.

Well, I wouldn't want that.

So, no bragging to your pals about almost scoring with the drunken professor.

Well, I should scurry along.

Hope I don't have the same conversation with Dr Matsutani.


The papers and records for 8656 Derby Court.

Since River Creek Bank can't see to give me new terms, my mortgage has become a bad debt that I now transfer back to you.

Oh. No, no, no. You don't wanna default on this.

It's called a strategic foreclosure.

Oh, I know what it's called, but you can't do this.

See, it's bad for your credit.

Any student of Economics 1 will tell you this move is tough, but fair.

Larry, let's go have ourselves some complimentary coffee and we'll talk this out.

Legally, I have to vacate the premises in 30 days. Keys are in it.

This is not personal, Mrs Gammelgaard. it's just, well, times have changed.

Oh, shoot!

When we bought this house, I thought I'd see my kids grow up on this street.

Man, you're whining like a goo-goo, ga-ga baby, when you got your health, you got no family to support.

You're pale in America. You're a clean slate.

You're starting over.

I just hate to leave.

Weill, manifest destiny is taking you someplace else, neighbour.

You took the time to meditate on the vagaries of life, you'd come to realise

that a woman with a measuring tape is money in my pocket.

How you ladies doing?

Oh, this is a nice one right here. An old football table.

David Beckham actually owned this one.

Now, I got a offer for 1,800. You just gotta beat that.

(woman on TV Showers should clear before the morning commute.

Look for sunny skies by 9:00 a. m. with temperatures in the mid- 70s.

These topics are to be researched until you can wax poetic on them for two minutes.

What'd you get? Potatoes.

Spuds. Can't wait.

No repetition, no pauses.

"Disraeli"? What is that?

"Who" is that.

Guy from Disrael. I'm done!

No notes, no visual aids, just sacks of charm.

"Geography Show"?

That says "George Bernard Shaw". No, it doesn't.

Well, the handwriting's kind of loopy.

Then "Geography Show" for two minutes.

Pasta! Great.

Good luck, everybody. This is your final.

You're dismissed.

Have a good day.

Oh, thanks.

Let me get this straight.

You think dropping my class to open a thrift store is a good idea.

Not by much.

Mercy? Mercy, come and meet this girl.

She brings passion to Feminism and Modern Lit.

We should all be a witness. And she's leaving me.

We've met.

That was some night, huh?

I'm sure you and Larry Crowne have your pillow talk.

Pillow talk?

Lance is a sweetie, but I think he was born in the 1950s.

Lance is forever mute on the subject of you. Can't get a peep out of him.

Lance? Larry Crowne? Who?

One and the same. He works at Frank's Coffee Shop.

The pie place? Great French toast.

At the end of each chapter is a study guide.

Master those and you will have mastered the course pack.

Where's Talia?

Where's Talia?

Master my course pack and you will take over the world.

By now, you should be laughing with me.


Hey, there's Lance. Oh, yeah.

What a surprise.

Somebody skipped Matsutani's class!

I dropped out of college today.

What?

No, Talia, don't be a fool, stay in school.

And don't drink and drive, or do drugs, and quit smoking, and eat vegetables.

I don't, I stopped, I did, I do.

New watch for you.

Hey, we all got free tattoos.

I wanted something in Japanese, so check this out.

That one says "courage". That one says “spirit".

Courageous spirit.

I can see you!

This is glass! I can see through glass!

You know, that's Chinese, and it says soy sauce. Oh, shut up!

It does. Soy sauce!

Be here for our grand opening.

Oh, I might not make it. Some of us have finals.


Hi, Larry!


Mack. Yeah?

Got room for one more? I can try.

Thanks.

No room for your furniture?

Well, it's a tiny place.

How much you think you're gonna get for this sofa sleeper?

I don't know. You'll get me a good price.

You're a smart man, Larry Crowne.

Pizza's here at last!

Here's that lunch I promised you.

Did they tell you that I had one of these discount coupons?

Son of a cock.

Larry Crowne.

Jack Strang.

Two extra large, a salad bucket and a box of cinnamon frosted eggs. $16.50.

Sorry to say this, but I need 2 bucks back. Times are tough.

Tell me about it.

You know what, forget it.

Keep the change. Yeah. Really? Yeah?

Hey, thanks, Crowne. I appreciate it. Every buck helps.

Put that right there.

Lamar, don't touch the cinnamon eggs.

I'm not gonna touch the cinnamon eggs, baby.

I don't want a cinnamon egg.

I'm gonna miss him. You, too. Yeah.

Oh, Larry. You're the best.

Come back and see us.

Larry, I got something for you.

Good luck.

Well, I appreciate it, Lamar. If you win, I get half.

Quick Picks. You never know.

Bye, Larry!

I'm gonna miss him.

See you, Larry! Goodbye, Larry!


There is not a woman in the world that has not been standing where you are right now.

So, let's get it on. Come on! Come on, let's go.

There you go, there you go. Yeah, baby, come on.

Come on, come on.

How much change do you want back? Why don't you keep it?

But just remember, a teacher once gave you a $12 tip.

You stay in school. Thank you.

You're a babe. Where do you teach?

I'm divorcing a professor turned writer turned blogger with the libido of a 13-year-old with two published books to his credit.

When a man shows his true colours, that's when a woman has to make the decision to go or no go.

And we got pizza to go.


Good morning, Larry.

Good morning.

Should I have been calling you Lance all this time?

Oh, no. Only one person calls me Lance.

Well, and all her friends.

I met her. She's an interesting girl.

She's a unique bundle, yeah.

And all this, you know, my clothes are her idea.

I had actually put that together.

You ready for your final?

Well, you'll ind out.

I drew the order last night.

And? You're last.

Lucky me.

Thank you, by the way. What did I do?

Kept our secret. Oh.

I don't do many things well, but I can keep a secret.

Gentlemen do.

Allow me.

Morning!

Good morning! Let's make a few changes.

A box of biscuits, a bag of biscuits, a biscuit mixer! Say it!

A box of biscuits, a bag of biscuits, a biscuit mixer!

Mr Mack, get loose.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

And we're moving, we're moving! This is like Tainot-palooza Breathing.

Giving birth to relaxation.

Pasta comes in all shapes and sizes.

Farfalle, otherwise known as butterfly or bow-tie shaped pasta...

Because Australia's been an island since the beginning of time, some awfully goofy animals can be found there. Kangaroos, of course...

If you're on the Moon and look down at Earth you could actually see and recognise the Great Lakes.

They comprise 20% of the world's fresh surface water supply.

Aurora borealis can be found in the northern hemisphere in Alaska, Canada, and Scandinavia.

Everybody loves potatoes. How about that?

French fries, baked potato, potato chips, scalloped potatoes...

If it was the romance novelist in him that made Victoria, the Queen, such a pal, chalk it up as another brick in the legacy of Ben Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsield, educator, and Prime Minister of Great Britain!

Yeah!

Boom.

Dibiasi, that was great.

That leaves only Mr Crowne and George Bernard Shaw.

Uh, that's "Geography Show", remember?

Right, the study of the Earth.

Yes, study of the Earth, and there goes my opening remark.

Thank you.

The equator is that imaginary line that separates the Earth into the northern and the southern hemisphere.

And when you cross it for the First time it's a very big deal if you are in the Navy, even if you're a culinary specialist.

The old guys make you dress up in goofy costumes and you have to sing these bawdy songs.

And they play practical jokes on you.

When I did it for the first time, years ago, a chief petty officer ordered me to stand watch until I saw the equator as we passed it, and I would recognize it by the big posts that were sunk into the ocean floor and spaced every 100 yards.

And, obviously, I never hit my rack that night.

Remember the old commercial for the Navy?

"Join the Navy, see the world"?

Well, it's true. I did.

I saw landmarks that were both manmade and the natural things.

I saw deltas, I saw mountain ranges.

I saw the Rock of Gibraltar. I saw Hong Kong.

And I saw the southern sky, which has different stars than the northern sky does.

In the Navy, I went around the world five times.

I saw the aurora borealis.

I had shore leave in Australia, couple of times. Quite memorable.

And I saw the Great Lakes from the rail of a missile frigate while I was on the Great Lakes.

I boiled and peeled and mashed and hashed an awful lot of potatoes.

I saw pasta once a week.

Spaghetti Wednesdays, when I was in charge of the galley.

I learned a lot of geography in the Navy but I would never be able to communicate it to you with such ease unless I had taken a class like this.

I believe it was George Bernard Shaw who once quipped, "A foot's brain digests philosophy into folly, "science into superstition

"and art into pedantry.

"Hence a university education. "

Sounds to me like George Bernard Shaw must have taken a college class maybe even Speech 217, the Art of Informal Remarks.

Ding-ding! Applause, please!

Yeah!

Larry! Be aggressive, Larry!

Larry Crowne, you're terrific Oh, that was incredible.

Best speech ever!


The First to finish. No surprise.

Mr Crowne, you have a grasp of my concepts like few others.

Thank you, Doctor.


Hmm.

Cottage cheese to keep me trim, fruit to keep me regular, and a big-ass biscuit.

Club sandwich, white toast, order of French fry, chicken-fried steak.

That's right, chicken-fried. Big-time, Larry.

Spectacular.

Hey, Nick.

Take the wheel for a second. All right.

Ls this the place with the killer pie?

What's Spanish for "My next wife just walked in"?

Hello, I'm Larry, and I will be your culinary specialist today.

Larry Crowne, look at you. You work here? it's my secret identity. Right.

Frances, this is the A student I was telling you about.

The one that smells so nice.

Larry, um, I actually gave you an A-plus in Speech 217.

"A" for excellent. Lance!

A- plus?

Well, I don't know what to say, Miss Tainot.

Please call me Mercy. I'm not your teacher any more.

Boo-hoo.

Unless you signed up for next term.

Larry, kitchen, cook, busy. All right. My boss.

Larry?

You're a great student. I'm not an easy A.

You're a great teacher.

I got a whiff of the chef. He smelled like grilled onions.

Hey, thanks, Nick.

Okay, I got this. Greek salad, spaghetti, meatballs.

The ships of finance sail upon roiling seas, with hidden Shoals of junk debt, squalls of undercapitalisation and tsunamis of the false value index.

This course pack, written by guess who, is your map to a safe economic harbour.

All aboard!

The state charter requires a minimum of 10 students per class and since there are only eight of you, it costs them more...

Sorry we're late! Doesn't mean we don't care.

Where's Larry?

Yeah, where is Larry? Crowne stiffed us?

I thought for sure he'd be here.

He told me your class changed his life.

What's the name of this class, anyway?

Shakespeare, the Politician.

Seriously?

Good morning, everyone. My name is Miss Tainot.

T- A-I-N-O-T.

Not Tae-Bo, not Tai Chi. Thanks a lot, guys.

Not Tie-knot. Not Snotface.


Right turn Harbor Street.

Thank you. Right turn.

Turning right.

Your destination is on the right.

Oh. Okay.

Well, thank you, Map Genie.


I love that dress, Cha-Cha!

But I'd show more leg if I were you.

4225?

You're looking for Lance.

4225.

You'll see the stairs.

Thank you.

Shorter dress'll get you wolf whistles!

Ow! For you. For you.

So, did he close that deal? Almost.

Lance, Lance, Lance.

Hello.

Mercy.

That's a good trick.

You told Lala my class changed your life.

Yes, yes, I said that.

I met you.


So, are you hungry?

Extremely.

Let me show you the world's smallest kitchen.

It's where I make my French toast.