Lavalantula (2015) Script

Mr. Zander, former Green Beret.

Medal of Honor recipient.

CIA operative. rmer head of the Black Cobra Mercenary Society.

I thought you would have been a bigger challenge, but what a disappointment you are.

You're beginning to sound like my father.

Is there anything you would like to tell us now?


I want to thank you.

You just saved me 1,500 bucks in a root canal.



Don't misunderstand me.

I find you very funny, but I'm done with you and your jokes.

So tell me, Mr. Zander, do you have any final words before I remove your head from your body?

Yeah, I do.

Nice leg.

Aah! Aah!

Sayonara, amigos.


Cut! Cut!

Darren, where are you? Where are you?

I-Is this how you take care of me?

It was supposed to be taken care of.

What happened?

Sorry. It just malfunctioned.

My bad, baby. My bad.

Malfunctioned? My bad.

Wait. This is smoke.

How could smoke not function?

No. We don't use smoke anymore.

No, no, no.

No, no. "Red Rocket" was smoke.

That was whoosh. This is different. This is wheesh.

This is liquid nitrogen, new formula, and it's safe until it explodes.

Nitrogen? Are you kidding me? Yes.

This is a chemical. This can't be good for my body.

Oh, baby, you look fabulous.

Yeah, man. You really do look fabulous.

Let's move on to scene 87. Sorry, boss.

Let's get the green screen lit.

Let's get Colton in his new wardrobe.

87? Hold on. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Darren, I'm not doing 87.

I'm wrapped. I can't do this.

We have to do scene 87. I need you in the scene with the bugs.

What bugs? I hate bugs.

I can't do a bug movie. I'm not doing--

It's so funny that you say that, because you're in a bug movie right now.

That's what's happening. I'm in a bug movie?

When did this become a bug movie?

It became a bug movie when the writer put his fingers on the keyboard.

Excuse me. I hope she's a good friend of yours, because you just got her fired.

Hit that with something heavy.

If I see that near your face, your face is in the unemployment office.

What page is there a bug movie?

What page? Did you read the script?

Yeah, I looked it over.

What do you mean you looked it over?

Did you put it on a coffee table and look at it, or did you read it? I read most of it, Darren.

Come on. We're done here. We're not done.

We're not done. Oh, really?

Look, we're into four hours of overtime, and you promised me I could take my kid to see his favorite team.

You promised me that you would be a team player on this shoot, that I wouldn't have to put up with your crap this time.

I've been here for 16 hours choking on smoke.

How much more of a team player do you want?

Don't walk out that door. Really?

You're making a mistake. Really?

Thank you, Amber.

Oh, come on. Get bent.

Don't walk out that door, Colton.

Okay, you did. Now don't walk to your car.

Really? Okay, it's over for you if you do.

Over? Come on. Yeah.

We know each other 10 years. We're buddies.

10 years is nothing in this business.

I'm done with you. Oh, come on.

Look, Darren, you know the only reason the producers put me in this is to put my face on the video box.

On a video box? Did you just time-travel here from the nineties?

This is your problem.

You live in a world of car phones and fax machines.

You're living in the past.

"Red Rocket" was 20 years ago.

"Clown Cops" was 25 years ago.

You have to realize I only put you in this move as a favor to Arni.

I'm making a movie about giant cockroaches, okay?

It sells itself. It doesn't need this, not anymore.

Look, you don't have to say that. That's not really nice.

We're friends. Come on.

Not anymore. I'm done with you.

Come on, Darren.

I'm gonna see you tomorrow morning.

Not unless I'm down at the unemployment office, you won't.

Okay, bye, Colton.

Meg, get Arni on the phone.

A recent swarm of earthquakes has been rocking Southern California.

Dr. Deckert Serbi is here to talk about what is happening.

Thank you for spending some time with us today, Doctor.

This is Colton.

You walked off the set?

Are you kidding me right now?

Are you kidding me, Arni?

It's a freaking cockroach movie.

He didn't read the script.

It's what's being offered.

It's $10,000 for one day's work, and I had to beg to get it for you!

Well, you know what? They can keep the money, okay?

You know, I'm looking for something with integrity and respect.

Do you know that word, Arni? "Respect."

You know, I'm better than this crap.

No, you're not.

I promised them--

No, I swore to them you would be a mensch!

Nobody is more menschy than me. You know that.

Look, I just bailed you out of jail.

You were five seconds away from orange is the new ass in town.

They kept me four hours after my day, okay?

I don't care!

You owe me money, Colt!

Just turn your car around, please, and go to work!

Arni, I got another call.

No more bug movies.

Don't you hang up on me!

Don't! Don't!


Hi, honey.

Where the hell are you?

It's nice to hear your voice, too, sweetheart.

The game starts in 20 minutes.

Did you forget?

No. Honey, this is Los Angeles.

Nobody gets to a game before the fourth inning.

You know that.

Whatever. I'm out of here.

Uh, he's on-- he's on his way, sweetheart.

I've heard it before.


Great. He just walked out of the house.

What's with that kid?

He doesn't listen anymore.

Tell him the freeway's a parking lot.

I'm gonna get there as soon as I can.

You know what? You tell him.

Colton West is in the news again.

Why are you on TV?

According to law enforcement sources, nineties movie star and action hero Colton West was booked last night in Santa Monica on charges of aggravated assault and resisting arrest.

I guess that's one way to get yourself back in the public eye.

What kind of trouble are you in now?

I don't know, honey. I really don't know.

You know what? I don't care.

Goodbye, Colton.

Whoa. Did you feel that?


We're having an earthquake.

Yeah, honey, are you okay?

Olivia, are you okay?

Whoa! You see that?!

Everybody take cover!


Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, answer.


Reports are pouring in of an unprecedented geological event occurring in Los Angeles.

How 'bout biological?

How 'bout volcanic, you moron?

This is a freaking apocalypse!

In a follow-up story, the Malibu bar fight involving nineties movie star and action hero, Colton West, who was made famous by his role as the Red Rocket and made famous the expression, "Nice" anything.

Nice nose.

Nice tattoo. Yah!

Nice tentacle.

Eyewitnesses are now coming forward to say that Colton West was in fact trying to be a peacemaker.

If that in fact is the case, then this reporter has one thing to say.

Nice job.

We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.

The earthquakes that have been shaking the L.A. basin the last few minutes are in fact tied to a volcanic eruption in the Santa Monica Mountains near the Sepulveda Pass.

Now, this would be an unprecedented volcanic event that--Okay.

Why is there still no Internet?

Damn it!

You get Colton on the phone yet?

No. It keeps going to voice mail.

You guys have to see this.

One of my friends just sent this to me.

Yeah, that's great.

My kid has that app, too.

Take a video of anything, you can nuke it, alien invade it, smash it with a meteor. What?

He's already killed the neighbor's cat 30 times.

Oh, my God!

That was a big one, you guys.

I think we should go home.

I think you're right.

That's a first.



Son of a--

Spiders. Did the spiders come?

Have you seen the spiders?

Why didn't you tell me about the bar fight?

The bar--bar fight was nothing!

Nothing? What--

It's all over the news.

"Colton West is in trouble again."

Did Arni bail you out?

None of that matters. Nothing matters.

What matters is you're okay.

Thank God, honey, you're okay.

You're not gonna believe what I saw.

You're not gonna believe what's going on on the freeway.

Where's Wyatt?

He left, remember?

When did he do that?

Of course you don't remember. He--

You forgot to pick him up for his game, so he just walked out of the house.

Honey, have you seen the news?

Yes! You had a bar fight.

Call Wyatt, and get him back here.

I have been calling Wyatt, but of course he's not picking up.

You know what? I'm just gonna go teach my kickboxing class.

You're not teaching anything.

You're not going anywhere.

Honey, it's not safe out there.

I don't want you going anywhere.

Stop it. You're scaring me.

All right, I'm sorry! What do you want from me?

I want you to talk to me like a normal human being.

Okay. Okay. Sweetheart, did you feel the earthquake?


Good! Good!

I felt the earthquake.

It was an earthquake. Right.

The fifth one this year.

It's not like it's the end of the world.

Yes, it is, believe me. The Santa Monica Mountains erupted like a volcano. I was on the freeway, and I saw spiders the size of men raining on hoods and spitting fire out of their mouths.

Fire out of their mouths.

Have you been drinking again?

No. You know what?

That's it. I'm calling Dr. Hertzberg.

Honey, wait. No, no, no. Stop it.

In the car now. Honey, stop it.

I am not on anything. I am completely sober.

I need you to listen to me.

Sweetheart, listen to me.

I love you, okay? I need you to pack everything that's important to us.

I want you to take the dog, I want you take your jewelry, and I want you to pack everything up, and you have to listen to me, and we have to leave here.

Colton, we don't have a dog.

Colton! Colton!

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. What is that for?

I'm going to get Wyatt. Honey, did you call him or not?

Okay, okay. I was standing here, talking to you.

He said he was going to Travis'.

Oh, damn. Then he's probably downtown riding bikes.

Look, just stay in the house.

If he comes back, you keep him here. You got it?

Circuits are busy.

Well, just keep trying.

And tell everybody to stay off the freeway.

All right, get this. Get this.

Here he goes. Here he goes.


Ah, wicked, man!

Hey, dawg. I didn't know you were coming.

Glad you could make it out.

Hey, Jordan. Sick move, man.

Thanks. Yeah.

Should have been here five minutes ago.

Yeah. You should've seen. My girl was sick.

So are you riding with us today?

Yeah, for sure, if it's cool with you guys.

Of course. Hell, yeah.

Oh, right on. Let's go.

Don't even think about it.

I've been trying forever to get her out here.

What did I do?

Gave her a flirty smile.

I did? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Well, um, Eli's the one riding with her right now, so you might wanna go jump in on that.

Dude, I don't care about Eli.

Don't mess this up for me, man.

Dude, relax. It's--It's good.

Come on. Let's just-- Come on. Let's ride.



What just happened?

Whoa, did you guys see that?

That was big.

Yeah. Let's check it out.

Are you coming?

What? Um... yeah. Yeah.

Hey, it's Wyatt. I'm not here right now.

Leave a message. Damn it.

Damn. Oh. What the--

What the...

Are you kidding me?

My God!


Hey, Doris. It's Olivia.

You're checking up on me, aren't you?

I'm fine, darling.

40 years here, and I swear I'll never get used to these earthquakes.

I know, right?

Hey, listen, is your power out over there?

Yeah, couple minutes ago.

Must be the whole neighborhood.

You need candles?

No, no, no, I'm good.

You okay? I don't know.

Colton was just here, and he was ranting about some kind of a disaster, and it actually shook me up a little.

Earthquakes, fires, rolling blackouts, mudslides, the Governator. We're Californians.

We've been through worse.

Yeah, I guess.

Is he still home?

No, no. He went to go get Wyatt.

They're gonna be back in little bit.

What now?

Olivia, can you hold on a second?

Coco's barking. I need to see what's going on.

Yeah, sure.



Where are you?

Coco, where are you?

Where have you gone?





Hold on. Whoa, look at that.

Wow. Whoa, guys.

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

Oh, man.

What do you think happened here?

The ground just started breaking up.

Looks like a bomb hit.


Hold up. You smell that?

That smells like gas.

Guys, let's get out of here.

Yeah, I'm with Wyatt. Come on.

Go! Go!

Wyatt! Wyatt!

Jordan, hold on!

Come on! Come on!

Something bit me. Can you ride?


Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Come on.


Yo, stop!

Yo! Yo! Yo!


Stop! Stop! Stop!

Please stop!

What the heck is that guy doing there?

Hey! Oh, my God.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Everyone... Hey, stop!

Stop! Hey!

It's the Red Rocket himself, Colton West!


Look, look, no time for a tour, okay?

Did you not see the volcano?

There's a catastrophe going on.

No, no, it's just a little earthquake, Colton.

No. No. It's not a little earthquake, man.

You guys are in a lot of trouble.

You gotta get out of here.

You gotta get these people to a safe place.

Look, what's your name?

Joe. Joe?

Okay, Joe. Joe, I need--

Joe, I need your focus on me, okay?

Joe, I need to get downtown to get my son.

Can you help me?

But just first, just get a quick little selfie. Do you mind?

No, Joe, we don't have time for pictures.

My wife would just love this.

Joe, just please-- just take me downtown.

No, wait! Right. No, no. No, better!

You and the bus.

It would be, like, awesome PR, just right there in front of the bus.

Great, Joe.

Joe, a shot right here, right?

Oh, you look nice.

Need to move back a little bit, Joe.

Okay, okay, okay. Move back a little bit, Joe.

Okay, just keep moving back. Okay.

Yeah, keep moving back. I got it.

Yeah, yeah. It's called a wide shot.

A wide shot? Wide shot, Joe.

Yeah, yeah. Movie talk, Joe. Okay.

Movie talk. You're gonna be making a movie with me.

I'm making a movie with Colton West.

And then you know what, Joe?

Another movie talk is camera left.

That way. Exactly, Joe.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so...

Yeah. Turn that way, and look...

Turn? towards the trees, Joe.

Aim the camera that way? That's it.

Okay. Aim toward--You know, I'm gonna say, "Action," Joe, like a movie.

We're making a great movie, Joe.

Okay. This is just so awesome.

I mean, I'm such a big fan of...

And don't move until I say, "Action."

The second one not so much, but the first one was--

Action! Hey!


My bus! Ahh!

Colton West took my bus!

Thank you very much.

I apologize for taking control of your bus, but as you may or may not know, there was an earthquake today in Los Angeles that was caused by some sort of volcanic activity in the Santa Monica Mountains.

Lava spiders erupted from these mountains, spiders, spiders as big as men, and they rained down on all of Los Angeles.

Colton, banzai!

Thanks, kid.

Banzai to you, too.

This way!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Follow me. Come on.

Go! Go!

Hurry up! Come on!


I'm coming! I'm com-- Eli!

Eli, no!


Eli, no!

Wyatt, let's go!

Aah! Aah!

What?! What the hell!

Travis! Travis, here!

Come here. Come here.

Let me...

Jordan! Jordan!

Dude, don't leave me.

I'm right here!

Don't touch it.

Just get me out of here, okay?

Did you see what those things did to Eli?

What the hell are those things?

I don't know, man.

It bit me.

It bit you?

What bit you?

I said I don't know, man!

Okay, listen. Just stay here for a second.

Okay. You watch her. Hey, can you do that?

Okay, I'm gonna get the first-aid kit.


I'm burnt so bad.

Doris, are you in there?

It's Olivia.

Doris, are...

What the...

Oh, my God. What...


Oh, man, the Red Rocket is driving my tour bus.

Somebody pinch me!

Thanks a lot, kid. I appreciate it.

Uh, listen, I know that you hear this all the time, but I am your biggest fan. Yeah.

Hi. I'm Chris.

Chris. Yeah.

Not a good time to talk.

No, no, I know. With the earthquakes and everything and the spiders.

There are spiders, buddy. No, no, no, I know.

Big as your freaking body. Big as my body.

The thing is, is that I've watched all your movies.

I know all your lines. Nice tattoo. Yah!

Look, Chris, this is not a good time to discuss film.

Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

But seriously, am I on, like, a hidden-camera show or something?

'Cause I could have swore I saw a camera right there.

Yeah. Yeah. There's cameras everywhere. Look...

I knew it. you want to be a good boy, tell everybody to sit down and hold on.

All right, I need everybody to hold on and sit down.

Colton West, action hero!

Yeah. See, the problem is that, like, 90% of these people don't speak any English.

Uh, we got a problem up ahead.

I hate spiders.

Aah! Aah!

What the hell is that?

Oh, homina.

Chris! What?



No fare, no ride.

Gun! Awesome!


Ah, there's one on top now.

You gotta do something.

I am doing something.

Do that thing like you did in that movie.

Chris, you know the difference between real life and movies?

No! Darn.

Well, what did I do?

I don't know. You, like, pulled the emergency brake, and it did something cool.

Oh, yeah.


Colton West, I love you!

Ah ha. I love you, too.

Me, too.

Calm down, Chris. Okay.

I'm not getting anything.

How the hell are we supposed to know what's going on outside if we don't have any cell service?

Where did you find that?

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

You have to trust me, okay?

We need to treat this.

I know. I know. I know. I know.

You know, when I was a little kid, I used to come here all the time.

They would film a ton n n of movies here, and when my dad was shooting, he would bring me on set.

All right, This is really gonna hurt, all right?

Ohh! Oh, you think?

What the heck are those things?

Ah, they look like spiders.

Spiders aren't that big.

Spiders don't spray hot lava.

Spiders-- I don't know, man. I don't know.

It looked like some kind of spider, though.

Oh, it burns so bad.

We gotta get some help.

Maybe if we go up higher, we'd get some cell service, something.

Sure as hell ain't going back outside.


You guys smell that?

They're trying to get in.

They're trying to get in! Let's get out of here!

Okay. We gotta go. We gotta go.

Come on. Can you walk?

Do I have a choice? No.

Come on.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Come on. Come on.


As we continue to bring you coverage of the L.A. eruptions, new details are emerging by the minute.

We've got exclusive footage of the damage from this amazing volcanic activity.

Now, the entire area around the 405 is closed from the 110 to the I-5 while rescue crews scramble to evacuate survivors and put out fires that are spreading across the Sepulveda basin.

Now, this one can be filed under only in Hollyweird.

We have unconfirmed reports of a new breed of arachnids like these from the Hollywood blockbuster "Spiders 3D" that have supposedly been attacking Angelenos.

That's right.

Large, seemingly prehistoric spiders have been emerging from the chaos, and for more of this, we're gonna go to Sue Schnell and her crew, who finally have been moved to a safer location.

Sue, what can you tell us?

That's right, Dan.

As you can see behind me here, the National Guard has been called in to work with local law enforcement to establish a safe perimeter around the disaster zone.

Although I haven't seen anything myself, social media is all over this, with reports of giant fire-breathing spiders that have only added to the mayhem that has gripped the region.

Excuse me?

In other news, related or not, Colton West has apparently hijacked a tour bus.

Folks, we'll be back in just a minute.



Okay. Okay.


Let's do this.

What are you waiting for?

You messed with the wrong house.

I wanna get a picture with the spider.

Uh, Mr. West, what do you think is in the blood of these things?

I don't want to study 'em, Chris.

I just want to kill 'em.

Yeah. Well, whatever it is, it's eating through the bus.

What do you think happens when it hits gas?

Hang on, everybody. Hang on!

Everybody off! Go!

Everybody off! Go! Go! Go!

Everybody off now!

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

I'm last. Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Get off! Let's go!

Come on!

Oh, my God!

Everybody's off that bus, aren't they?


Clear the area!

You saved us.

No. You're the man!

I didn't save anybody.


We still got act two and act three to go.

Movie talk.



Movie talk.

But now for many Angelenos who are used to the shaking and the fires, it's as if nothing is happening, and for that story, we have Ed Mendez on Hollywood Boulevard.

Ed, what can you tell us?

Thanks, Dan. And it is true that business and leisure go on as usual, and most people either haven't heard about these disasters across town, or they simply don't believe it, but that is quickly changing.

Now, we are just blocks away from where a tour bus exploded, rocking Hollywood Boulevard, shattering windows, and setting off car alarms.

There is so much smoke in the area.

This is as close as we can possibly get to the scene, but I can tell you this much.

Some of the passengers were terrified, and they're claiming that creatures they believe are spiders attacked their bus, a literal avalanche of lava-breathing spiders, lavalantulas.

Were there any casualties in this explosion?

No. Apparently Colton West, who we're hearing hijacked that very bus just moments earlier, was able to get everybody to safety before it blew.

Thank you, Ed.

Okay. We're gonna bring you more from the Santa Monica Mountains, where the fire crews are struggling to contain the chaos.

Come on. Come on.

Okay, okay. Okay, I need a break.

I need a break. All right, all right.

Grab that. Grab that. Come on. Sit down.


Ah, jeez. Still no signal.

Wonder if the cell towers are all out?

The roof is gonna be our only chance to get out of here.

But If all the cell towers are out, how are we gonna get in touch with anyone?

I gotta flag down a helicopter or something.

I don't even know.

Hey, Wyatt, come here for a second.


Dude, I think I should stay here with her while you go call for help.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, that's good.

Cool. All right.

All right. Good luck, man.

Come here. Come here.


Travis, are you trying to hit on her?

Dude, you did the whole bandage hero thing back there.

Gotta get my game in sometime.

Travis. Travis, she's injured.

There are fire-breathing spiders chasing us right now.

What is wrong with you? Come on, man.

It's my only angle, okay?

It's your only angle?

You gotta be kidding me.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Okay, we gotta go.

Come on. Come on. Let's get out of here.

This is a mandatory evac, boys.

No one is to be left behind. you understand?

If you see any of those spiders, you don't even hesitate.

You shoot to kill. Got it.

Rico, Lance, I want you to take the north side of the street.

Hernandez, I want you to come with me.

All right, let's go.

All right, let's go. Move it. Move it.

What took you so long?

We gotta get you out of here.

We're evacuating the whole neighborhood.

Lead the way.

The scale of casualties is terrifying...

Any luck?

No. You got a phone?


What's his name?


Like Wyatt Earp?

Yeah, like Wyatt Earp.

So what's next?


Next is you go home. No.

You go to Kansas or Louisiana or Wyoming, and you get safe.

That's what next.

Des Moines. Yeah. Des Moines.

Argh, maties.

Who wants their photo with Pirate Jack?


Colton West?


It's me, Dave Alexander.

I did stunts on "Swamp Justice"...

Dave! like, 20 years ago.

Dave Alexander, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You look great.

Thanks. I--I lost an arm on the set a couple years ago.

Stunt went bad.

Sorry to hear about it. You got pigeonholed, huh?

Yeah. Not a lot of work for a one-armed stunt guy.

Look, Dave, we got a problem here!

I know. I saw your bus.

Phew! No, we--

Look, I got this. Pirate Jack.

Dave. Dave, sorry.

This city is in great danger, okay?

The earthquakes are unleashing giant spiders that are attacking the city.

You don't know about this?

Oh, the helicopters and the smoke and all?

I just figured it was another fire in the hills.

No. There's a volcano in the hills the size of Vesuvius.

So this spider thing's for real?

Yes. Look, Pirate Jack, we just need to get downtown to his son.

You got a car, a truck, anything?

Yeah, I can give you a lift. Great.

Let's go get a beer. It's been too long.

We don't have time.

Dave, please, take me downtown.

All right, Colt. Jeez.

It's happening again.

These earthquakes are getting on my nerves.

You find somewhere safe.

We gotta warn people.

What about the ride?

Get off the street! Go!

Everybody, get off the street! Take cover!

Everybody, get off the street!

Get off the street!

Look, make sure everybody finds cover and everybody gets safe. You got me?

Yeah. Okay.

So, I'm-- I'm, like, your costar.

Yeah, You're my costar.

Yeah. Right, right.

Just meet me back here.

Don't lose me!

Okay. Okay.

Get the hell out of here!

Dan, I have to tell you, there is a growing feeling... This is an emergency! that these reports of spiders are actually part of publicity stunt for an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.


Everybody get off the streets!

Girls, get off the streets! There are giant spiders!

Everybody, get off the street! Get off the street!

Hey-- Hey. Hey!

Colton West! Nice shotgun. Yeah!

I know you. I know you from--

Look, you gotta get off the streets.

There's giant spiders everywhere.

I'd love to help you, but I got shark problems right now.

Yeah! Yeah.

You're welcome, kid.


Die! Die! Die!

Gotta get outta here.

Yeah. This way!

Get in!


Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Keep moving, people.

On the truck. On the truck.

Go ahead, too.

All the way to the front. All the way to the front.

Let's go. Come on.

Get everybody in.

Take your time. Let's go.

Where are we going?

We're going out of the city.

How bad is this?

It's bad. The city's completely unstable.

Los Angeles is under a military evac.

No, no, no. Wait. Wait. I--I can't just leave. My family is still out there.

All right. You don't have a choice, all right?

This is martial law. Excuse me?

Listen, I'm sorry, ma'am.

This is completely unprecedented.

We weren't prepared for this.

I'm not leaving without my family.

I need to find them.

We'll find your family, I promise you, if they're still alive.

Move it up, sir!

Move it out! Let's go!

Hey, what happened to your parrot?

How could you possibly care about something like that now?

Giant spiders are trying to kill us.

I didn't think you guys were serious about these.

Well, of course we're serious.

Oh, they took out the Blue Oyster.

I love that place.

Jack, just get us downtown.

How is this even possible? How is this happening?

Well, you know, just last week, they found a new species of wasp in the Chinese jungle, eight-inch wingspan, four-inch stinger.

Well, these things are a lot bigger than eight inches!

I'm just saying. New species, my ass.

This is that Japanese radiation leak making its way over.

Guys, let's stop discussing biology!

Get me downtown so I can get my son!

Come on.

We gotta go faster. Come on.

I can't. I can't go any further.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I need to sit down.

Okay. Whoa. Sit down.

It hurts so bad.

What, is it too tight? Uh-huh.

Okay. Let me see. Let me see.

Okay, come on.

Oh, God. Ohh! Oh, my God.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Hey, shut up.

Shut up. It's fine. It's not that bad.

Are you freaking kidding me?

She's too young to die, bro.

Shut up. Calm down. Calm down.

We can't panic right now, okay? Calm down.

You can't freak out on me right now, okay?

Come on.

I gotta get to the roof.

Man, you can't leave us.

Just stay with her, man.

We gotta try.

Whoa! Come on! We gotta go!

Back! Back! Back! Come on.

Come on!


Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

What the hell is that?

What the hell?! Lava! Lava!

Why are we stopping?

Something's wrong.

This is gonna get bad really, really fast.

Let's get out of here.

We're not going anywhere.

Ah, man, these were brand-new.

Uh, fellas, look!

Man, I hate being right.

Get in the museum! Why the museum?

Because that's the only building without spiders on it!

Not yet, but they look pretty determined.

Barricade the doors!

Close them up! Close them up!

Come on! Throw everything you can!

Come on! Hurry up!

Anything! Just grab anything!

Jam it up.

I got one more.

I got one more.

You feel safe?

Not even a little bit.

No. You got a plan?

Uh, run.

Run! Run! Run!

Gotta get out of here.

We're not getting out of here. There's spiders outside.

We gotta find somewhere to hide.

There's nowhere to hide.

When those things want to find you, they will.

Who are you?

I am Dr. Erik Von Struebel.

I work here in the museum.

What are you still doing here?

I'm a scientist. For good or bad, these are the kind of moments that we live for.

Well, you're not gonna live for much longer if you stick around here, Doc.

Yes. I am acutely aware of that possibility, but I'm not done.


Done with what?

The heat grid is like an interconnected network, lava tubes probably, with the temperature increasing exponentially.

So why didn't anybody say anything about this before?

We didn't see it coming.

It happened too quickly.

I mean, we're talking five days ago, and it's like, "Oh, that's odd."

Then under a week later, the hills are active volcanoes.

What should have taken over a million years almost happened overnight.

So if this is correct, this explains why these things are exploding all over the city.

This city is a ticking time bomb.

Wait. What does this have to do with spiders attacking the city?

Actually, everything.

When I compared the pattern of the lava tube network, it had a very close structure to that of an insect colony.

So wait. They had something in common?

They're exactly the same.

The volcanoes and the spiders are one.

The Mayans had a term for it, lavalantula.

And right here... this would be the queen's chamber.

If you kill the Mamalantula, you kill them all.


We better go check on that front door.

What are you doing?

Science class is over, Doc.

I'm gonna go get my kid, and when we're done, you and I, Jack, we're gonna have that beer.

You're buying.

Oh, that is so badass.

Wait. No, no, no.

I--I meant you're badass, not I'm badass.



Come in, Evac 670. What's your 20?

This is Evac 670.

We are westbound on Forest Lawn.

670, turn around immediately.

The Forest Lawn area is highly unstable right now.

Do you have an alternate route?

Negative, just get off that road.

What's happening?

Want you to stay here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just leave us here.

All right. I want you to get down, and I want you to stay down.

This should keep you safe. On your six!

I'm not good at staying down.

If you want to live, you get that ass under that fire blanket.

Really need to curse.

Get down!

This place is like a freaking maze.

I think there's a stairwell right there.

Oh, you think?

These things don't give up.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Keep your voice down.

Come on. Come on.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.


I think it's gone.

Run! Go! Go!

You got her?

You got her? Come on! Here it comes!

What the hell are you doing?

I got this!

I got it!

How'd you know that was gonna work?

I didn't!


There's too many of them, man!

We gotta get these civilians out of here.

They breathe fire, man.

Yeah, I can see that.

Now they're closing in.

We are not going down like this.

Do you have a shot? Yeah.


We gotta move now, man.

Yeah, and do what?

We gonna head back to the city?

Well, we can't go this way, man.

Yeah, but we need reinforcements.

Man, we are the reinforcements!

Clever girl.

Oh, no.

Oh! Eww, eww, eww.

Oh, my God.



Evac 670, can you read me?


Did you copy the last transmission?

Get off Forest Lawn.

All your men are gone.

Everyone is dead. Do you hear me?

Who is this?

My name is Olivia West.

I'm the sole survivor. Well, please be advised to get out of Los Angeles immediately.

Yeah. Well, thanks for the great advice, but I can't really do that.

My family is still here in L.A.

Repeat. Los Angeles is highly unstable right now.

Why don't you give me some good information, like where's the fricking key?

There is no key, ma'am.

Flip two switches marked "battery" and "run."

You're advised to get out as soon as possible.

Not without my family.

Come on.

You still with us?

How you doing?

How you doing, Jordan? Jordan!



Jordan. Whoa, whoa.

She's freaking out, man.

Jordan, come on. Come on.

Jordan, look at me. Look at me.

Water, water. Get some water.

From where? I don't know, man.

Jordan, look at me. No, come on.

Jordan! Jordan!

Jordan! Jordan! Come on.

Stay with us. Come on.


What the--

Is she dead?

I don't know.

Jordan! Jordan!

Ho. Dude.


What's happening?! No! No!

What's happening?! Oh, my God!

Make it stop!

Oh, my God!

What the...

No! No!

Get 'em off me, man!

No! Ahh!

No! No! Ahh!

Come on. Come on.


Where are you?

My phone.

My phone's working.

It's from Wyatt.


He's trapped.

He's at Hanson Studios.

It's at Seventh and Olympic. We gotta get there.

Hey, guys.

That is a very large arachnid.

The freaking kraken.

And it's coming this way.

Get back!


Ah, no!

Ah! Ah, look! Oh!

They're in here!

They're all in here!

Ah! Oh, no!

Let's go this way.

Oh, no!

C-Come on.


Too many of 'em!

We gotta get out of here!

Jack, watch it!

Watch out!

Watch out! No!


Want some of this?

You got this. Come on!

Let's get out of here.

Get out of here!

Though that door.

Could there be a prehistoric link to these spiders?

That's what's trending on social media after scientific reports date these arachnids back to the Jurassic era.

Meanwhile, mid-Wilshire is the latest hot spot, where the famed La Brea Tar Pits have been decimated by dozens of lavalantulas.

And at the center of it all, action hero Colton West.

Colton? Eyewitnesses say he saved dozens of people on Hollywood Boulevard.

Doc, you okay?

You okay? You hurt?

What? Are you hurt?

Are you bleeding anywhere?

I can't hear you!

I think I lost my hearing.

No, you didn't. Huh?

It's a helicopter!

Looks like you're wrapped, kid.

You're going back to Des Moines.

You're not coming with us?

No. I gotta find my kid.

I hope you find him. Yeah.

I better, or my wife will kill me.

You saved my life.

No. No, no. We saved each other.

Kid. Huh?

You can let go. No, no, no.

Let go of me.

No. No, no, no.

Okay. Okay.

Go. Sorry.

Movie talk. Movie talk.

Movie talk.

You're crazy for staying.

Yeah, of course I'm crazy. I'm an actor.

Good point.

I printed out a thermal map of Los Angeles.

The orange bits are the lava tubes.

Stay away from them if you can.

Thanks, Doc.

Be safe.

Be safe.

Okay. Okay.

Come on. Come on. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

You want some of this?

Yeah, come on! Come on!

It's Christmas. I got something for you, a little present for you. Come on, guys.

Come on.


Get in!

Ah, honey.

Come on. Drive straight.

Drive straight.



What were you doing at the Tar Pits?

Trying to find our son.

I got stuck.


Who gets stuck at the Tar Pits?

I mean, Wilshire Boulevard, really?

Everyone knows you take Olympic downtown.

Thanks, honey.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm okay, 'cause I'm seeing you.

How'd you find me?

After 15 years of putting out your fires, I'm gonna just follow the smoke.

Really? No.

You're all over the news.

Ah. So I got a text from Wyatt.

He's okay. You did?


He's at Hanson Street Studios.

Hanson Street. Yeah.

Pretty ironic, huh? Yeah.

That's where we first met.


You remember?

Oh, honey, yeah, of course I remember.

Really? Yes.

That's so romantic.

I love you, honey.

I love you, too.

Let's get downtown. We'll get Wyatt, get the hell out of this city before it goes.

Mayday! Mayday!

This is Evac 670, Colton West.

We need help. This is an emergency.

Mayday! Mayday! Please come in.

Listen. Listen. They're saying something.

The authorities are overwhelmed trying to battle these spiders and evacuate citizens.

We keep getting new reports of lavalantulas erupting from beneath the ground, spewing fire, and wreaking havoc all over the Los Angeles basin.

Nowhere seems to be safe.

Evacuation efforts have been halted, and everyone is advised to stay in place--

I've heard enough.

Come on.

Here--Here I come, son!

Stay away from my kid!

Olivia! Get down, honey!

Mom! Dad!

Wyatt, get down!

Get down! Wyatt! Get down!

Get down!

Oh, my God.

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Honey. Honey.

Dad! Ho ho. My boy.


Oh, thank God.

Why do you have a military truck?

You know your mom.

She likes everything big.

Yes, I do.

You okay? Are you all right?

Did you check yourself? Are you bleeding anywhere?

No, I'm good. I'm good.

What about the others?

Are they okay?

They didn't make it.


I know. I know.

How on Earth did you stay alive?


It's 'cause I sprayed them with this, and they hate it.

Just a fire extinguisher?

No, honey. This is... compressed nitrogen.

Y-You have more of these?

That's the last one.



There's shops around here.

Shop? You want to shop?

No, honey, this nitrogen, this is what almost killed me this morning on the set.

This is gonna keep us alive.

We gotta get out of here. We really gotta go.

Yeah, and even if we do, these spiders aren't just gonna let us leave.

Dad, we're gonna have to fight.

And that's what we're gonna do, son.

Come on!

Ladies and Gentlemen, just moments ago, the President of the United States declared the L.A. basin a disaster zone.

I can tell you the situation has gone from bad to worse.

The Santa Monica Mountains continue to destabilize.

We're showing you live footage from Malibu, where the latest eruption has occurred.

Several freeways have been severely damaged, leading authorities to advise everyone to stay in place.

This map shows the damage spread across the L.A. basin, but in the midst of all this chaos, there are selfless acts of heroism as reported by our own Lisa Miller.

Uh, yeah. I just wanna say that I wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't for Colton West.

He's a real-life action hero.

Well, I'm sure he had some help.

Did you know he used to be an actor?

Colton West, he save my life.

You super action.

Well, there you have it.

In the stranger than fiction category, and in the midst of the biggest catastrophe this city has ever seen, a motion-picture action hero might very well be a real, live action hero.

Back to you.

Thank you, Lisa. Has he lost his mind?

Who the hell's calling here?

If it's a spider, don't answer it.

Who is it?

It's Colton West.

What? What?!

Wyatt, Olivia, get in here. Come in here.

Oh, Colton. Colton West, man, you are all over the news.

Teddy, what are you still doing here?

We left the set same time you did.

Then all hell broke loose.

Freeways are shut down, and those spiders are killing anything that moves.

I know. There's no getting in and out of L.A. now.

Well, our boys over at the studio wings said that they have some helicopters.

They were supposed to be on their way, but they didn't show up, and we haven't been able to get ahold of them since.

Bigger question is, what are you doing here?

I got a plan. Heh heh.

You've always got a plan, Colton West.

Is this the original Red Rocket?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

NASA made that suit.

Ah, the days of the big budgets. Mm, mm, mm.

Son, this suit, this helmet, it paid for our house, paid for the clothes you're wearing, your education.

Paid for everything.

So why do you still keep 'em?

Well-- Because I'm a sucker for nostalgia.


How you doing, young man?

I always thought one day we'd make a sequel.

Well, if things ever get normal, maybe he'll fly again.

I wish we could all fly away from here.

We're gonna make a break for it, Colt. You with us?

No. You're not going out there.

I wouldn't count on the military.

They're sending in a ground evac, but who knows when that's gonna happen?

So we're all just sitting ducks?

No, Ted, I'm not a sitting duck, and neither are you. We're not giving up.

I love your attitude, baby, but the fact is--

Marty, I've been in this town for 30 years.

It has not killed me. It's not gonna kill me now.

Now, Wyatt said this kept him alive.

Nitrogen. You used it on the set today, weren't you?

You used this on them?

Yeah. It worked?

Son of a gun.

Do you have any more?

How much are we talking?

And what do you have in mind, Colt?

I need a map of downtown.

All right. This is their nest.

This is how they get around.

This is where they come out.

It's all over L.A.

Right here, this large chamber, that's where the queen is.


If this map is accurate-- and it is-- that's no more than just a few blocks away.

That's right.

Those canisters of liquid nitrogen, we need to wrap bombs around them. Can you do that?

I still have a few dozen sticks of C-4 around.

I don't see that as a problem.

And we could detonate them by remote.

Can you do that?

Not a problem.

If we make enough of these canisters and drop them down in the open craters, then we can detonate them, and we can smoke this queen right out of the nest.

Can you do that?

Not a problem. Not a problem.

I--I don't know much about this sort of thing, but this queen, she's gonna be a lot bigger than the others, right?

Yeah, she's gonna be huge.

And really pissed.

So, what, we kill the queen?

Where does that even get us?

Oh, no, no. What--What he's saying, it's--it's a hive mentality.

You see, um, if you kill the queen, you kill them all.

It's--It's like on the Insect Channel.

That's right.

I hate bugs.

Let's kill the bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I call upon you, the good people of the motion picture industry.

It is you who works tirelessly

12, 14, 16 hours a day... giving pints and pints of your blood for our great nation.

Yes, some might say it's just entertainment, but we know better.

Our movies are where the hopes and dreams of this great nation are born.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm chagrined to say that tonight might be our last production, but I beseech you, please think another way.

Tonight is our opening night.

Tonight is the night that we save our city, our homes, our families, that we believe in a tomorrow, a tomorrow where the Lakers have another threepeat.

What about the Clippers?

Clippers, too.

A tomorrow where the Kings sip again from the Stanley Cup.

What about the Ducks?

The Ducks, too.

And a tomorrow where the Dodgers, only the Dodgers, win the World Series.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I ask you to unify as a city, above the line, below the line.

Tonight we draw the line.

This is your city.

This is my city.

I was born in this city.

I'm gonna die in this city, but not tonight!

Viva Los Angelenos!

Viva Los Angelenos!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, baby!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, man!

Whoo! Whoo!

Al i run it off. Okay.

All right. I got this.

Colt. Colt. Yeah, Marty.

Yeah. Listen.

I've been thinking about this.

Mm-hmm. Yeah? The queen.

You've gotta get really close to take her out, and bullets aren't gonna do it.

You need an explosion, and you know what happens if she explodes?

It's a death wish for anyone nearby.

Okay. So let's use a remote.

It's moving, and it's very hot.

Who's gonna slap it on, anyway?

And besides, remember, this is C-4.

That stuff's gonna go off by itself, like it or not. So how long?

10, 20 seconds tops.

Look, man, that was a really good speech, but, um--oh, oh, okay, great speech, but we're gonna need more than speeches.

Just make sure those bombs go off.

Oh, we will.

You both just stay here, and you'll be safe, okay?

Okay. And, Wyatt, I'm counting on you, okay?

Okay. You be a good boy.

I will.

You watch your mother.

All right.

Promise me you'll come back.

I promise.


Don't worry.

And how 'bout you?

You want to go to a Dodger game when I come back?


Hate to interrupt a family moment, but it's go time.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

I love you.

It's gonna be okay.

This is alpha. We are nearing the first drop.

The first bomb is away.

Roger that. This is Bravo team.

We're nearing the second crater.

Two is away. Repeat, two is away.

We'll show them, stupid spider, good kung fu fighting technique.

It is eerily quiet on the streets of Los Angeles as the greater metro area smolders under the crippling volcanic eruptions and the onslaught of lavalantulas that have been thrust up from their nest, decimating everything in their path.

Now the residents that were evacuated earlier are long gone, hopefully to safety.

Those who remain are hunkered down under martial law.

Let me tell you, even though this small area might seem safe for now, no one inside the city and the ring of fire are safe.

Rescue efforts are still being hindered, so all of these brave residents, all they can do is sit and wait and pray.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving.

Hey, man, I'm gonna need some backup.

There's lots of spiders here.

Don't worry, Teddy. Cavalry's on its way.

All right, now.

I'm here. Come on!

Come on! Come on!

I got something for you and your mama!

Take that! Come on!

Ah! Ah!

I need some help here.

I need some help!

Full power.




Move it! Move it! Oh, guys...

Come on, come on, come on!

Teddy. Come on!

Come on.

Come on, you suckers.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

What? They're gone.

Well, it worked, didn't it?


Okay. What's the plan, Colt?

Uh, you know how we always say that making a film is like war?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, let's hope that this war is like making a film.

What does that mean?

Means I need you to plant those bombs.

Okay, but what does that mean?

Means I need you to plant those bombs.

Where are you going? What are you doing? Colton!

Colt! Come back here, Colt .44! Come back here!

Uh, your attention please. Colton has gone rogue.

Everybody keep going. The plan remains the same.

Repeat, it remains the same, all right? Out.

What is he doing?

He's just being your father. I don't--

Keep moving, laddies. We've got to win this one.


Damn it!

Marty. Marty. Come in, Marty.

There you are, man.

Hey, where are you? Exactly where are you?

You'll know in a little bit.

What's our status?

You got those bombs planted?

Red 3 standing by.

Red 2 standing by.

Red 5 standing by.

R2, shut up. I'm busy, man.

Standing by, man. Great.

I'm counting on you, Marty.

I'm counting on you.

We gonna be all right, Colt.

You just make sure you don't get dead.

Colt, I really hope you're there, 'cause if you've got a plan, now's the time.

Yeah, I got a plan.

It's go time.

Go time? Go where time?

What--Where are you?

I found a little party I want to drop in on.

Make some music, Teddy.

On my mark, 3, 2, 1.

We're rolling.


One didn't go off.

Push it again.

I'm pushing it.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my...

Load up. Load up.

Yah! What the...



Incoming! Let's go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Take 'em out!

Over there. Tighten the flank!

Tighten the flank! Don't let 'em through!

Hold 'em!

Back up. Back up! Hold the line.

Come on. Hold the line!

Watch your flank! Watch your flank, guys!

Tighten it up! Tighten it up!

That's it! Spray 'em!


What we gonna do? How am I gonna spray that, man?

She's bigger than the damn buildings.

Mama's home.

If anybody's got a Plan B, uh, how 'bout now?

She's not just bad. She's big.

Really big.

C-4 now.

Oh, you're kidding me. What?

Where the hell is it?

I know where it is.

All right, Colt.



Let's hope this works.


Go! Go! Let's go!

Go! Go! Get out of here!

Run! Run! Everybody, run!

No. No, no, no! No, no, no!

Whoa! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Steady. Come on, steady.

Whoa. Ow! Whoa. Whoa, whoa.


Oh ho. Okay.


Aah! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! That's hot!


Hi, baby.

Nice mouth.

And in breaking news, while airlifts are finally under way, evacuating the rest of the civilians from the area, one man and his ragtag team of-- and you're hearing this right-- film crew actually devised a successful plan to take down the queen lavalantula and send the rest of these creatures back down to their fiery home thousands of feet below the city.

That hero is none other than Colton West, who, against all odds, risked life and limb to save this still great city.

And all that this reporter can say, in the now infamous words of Colton West, is nice job.

Oh, hey, buddy. Come on. Come on.

Over here.

Hey, come on. Oh.

Come on. Come on. We got you.

Oh, thank you. We got you.

Ho ho ho. Step up.

You all right? Yeah.

You still--Oh, yeah. Aw, man. Ow!

Nice suit. Yeah.

I'm really glad you kept it.

You're welcome. You're welcome.


Dad! Dad! Dad!

I'm fine, my son.

Dad, I was watching the news the whole time, It was so cool! My good boy.

Oh, he's a good boy.

You are crazy. Oh, yeah.

You know that? Oh, yeah.

Honey, I really hurt. I think I broke--

Come on. Come on. I think I broke my face.

Get him out of here.

Oh, I think--I gotta go to the hospital.

But, Dad... Yeah?

Dad, you did it. Yeah. Yeah.

The West family did it.

Yeah, we did it. We all did.

I think I did a lot of it, but I think we did it together.

I smell a sequel coming on.

"Red Rocket 2"?

"Attack of the Lavalantulas."


Everybody gets a suit.

I want a suit.

Well, you could put me in mine.

Ooh, I like that.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Yeah. Aw, yeah.

Aw, yeah, baby.

♪ Red Rocket in the house, yo ♪ We thinking about all kinds of Red Rocket products.

Yeah. Red Rocket tacos.

Red Rocket lipstick.

Red Rocket lipstick.

Red Rocket burritos, Red-ritos.

Red Rocket shoes. Ha ha ha ha.

Red Rocket rockets.

Red Rocket rockets. Y-Yeah.

...against the Mamalantula and lavalantulas have brought an end to a chaotic and terrifying day.

But many wonder aloud if this is the last we've seen of the lavalantulas.