Lazy Susan (2020) Script

[bright music]

[animals chittering]


[snoring continues]

Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up. Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up. Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up. Hey--

Hey, baby, wake up. Hey--

Hey, baby, wake up. Hey, baby, wake--

Hey, baby, wake up. No, ugh.

[distant chatter]


[The Seekers' "Georgy Girl"]

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ Swinging down the street so fancy free ♪

♪ Nobody you meet could ever see the loneliness there ♪

♪ Inside you

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ Why do all the boys just pass you by ♪

♪ Could it be you just don't try ♪

♪ Or is it the clothes you wear ♪

♪ You're always window shopping ♪

♪ But never stopping to buy

♪ So shed those downy feathers ♪

♪ And fly a little bit

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ There's another Georgy deep inside ♪

♪ Bring out all the love you hide ♪

♪ And oh what a change there'd be ♪

♪ The world would see a new Georgy girl ♪

[bird chirps]

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ Dreaming of the someone you could be ♪

♪ Life is a reality

♪ You can't always run away

♪ Don't be so scared of changing ♪

♪ And rearranging yourself

♪ It's time for jumping

♪ Down from the shelf

♪ A little bit

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ There's another Georgy deep inside ♪

♪ Bring out all the love you hide ♪

♪ And oh what a change there'd be ♪

♪ The world would see

♪ A new Georgy girl

♪ Hey there Georgy girl

♪ Wake up Georgy g-- [record scratch]

So Ashley, tell us about this.

You were in the parking lot in broad daylight at the grocery store, and you get kidnapped, and then you're held for several days against your will out in this old barn.

What is going through your mind while you're in captivity?

I just told myself that I would survive and that there was no way I was giving my life or my power over to this man.

Wow, that's amazing.

Now, I understand part of this survival story is connected to a guitar pick?

Yes. I had a guitar pick in my pocket because I was taking guitar lessons at the time.

I love the guitar. [camera shutter snapping]

And I waited for an opportunity for Andy to nod off, and when he did, I used the pick to cut through the ropes that he had tied my hands and feet with, and then I just ran like hell.

Wow, and I see you actually brought the guitar.

Yeah, do you want to-- do you want to hear a song?

No. No, no, no, no, but I want to thank you so much for coming, and I hope you'll come back with that guitar and the pick.

Oh, crap. ...and tell us--

And welcome back. This is DJ Coyote Carl.

[coyote howls]

On KRPP, spinning on the nines, bringing you all of today's hits and the freshest of sounds that your Midwestern ears can handle.

Nice. [chuckles]

You throw like a girl.

What do you mean, throw like a girl?

That was a swish.

[parrot whistles]

Bathsheba, we talked about this.

Mind your manners.

Not so bad yourself, Bathsheba.

Want to play cornhole toss, Susan?

I'm super busy right now, Laney.

I don't have time to toss anything, but your bird is pretty.

Hey, Susan, you want to hear a joke?

No, Leon, I-I don't.

I can't, I'm--

I'm late for work.

Oh, where are you working now?

Hmm? Uh, at a florist.

Kind of all-around, you know, party planning and doing mergers, you know, things like that.

I like your black-- I mean your bike.

I know that that's a bike, and I know that you are a black person.

Um, I should bounce. I'm gonna bounce.

[Harlin James' "Tell It to Yourself"]

♪ Once or twice you made it easy ♪

♪ Here we are all over again ♪

[phone rings]

♪ Telling lies it completes you ♪ Hello?

Hey, it's Cameron.

What do you want, a medal?

You're such a bitch. Don't worry about it.

Did you get Mom a birthday present?

Not yet.

Well, her birthday is on Monday.

What are you gonna get her?

Why don't you just put my name on your gift?

No. Why not?

What do you mean, why not?

Why not just put my name on your gift like you did last year with the comforter set?

I don't want to do it this year.

Why not?

Just get her a fucking present.

She'd really appreciate something from you.

Like she'd care. Oh, you two are impossible.

She wants those stackable bowls in different colors.

Get her those. Where do you even get--

Figure it out.

I've got seven EKGs to run in the next 60 minutes, which is mathematically impossible.

Yeah, well, I have eight. Eight what?

Don't worry about it. Fuck--


[turns up music]

♪ But I left you long ago Look at those.

What am I looking at?

Those cowboy boots.

Don't you love those cowboy boots?

Oh, yeah, those are good boots.

I just feel like if I had a pair of cowboy boots, I'd be like--I don't know, I'd be like, "Yes," you know?


Well, that's 'cause boots like that, you can dress them up, super fancy.

You can dress them down, super caj.

That's the magic.

Exactly. Right?

How much do you think they cost?

I don't know, those are, like, $100, maybe more.

Hey, ladies.


What's with the duct tape?

Ah, it's kinesiology tape.

I busted up my shoulder doing a keg toss in college, but it was for charity, so it's kind of a badge of honor.


You almost done with that?

Yeah. Did you want some?

Ah. The bike.

Oh, yeah, I'm just-- [exhales deeply]


Ugh. Whew, that was intense.

You got a good final burn in there, huh?

Yeah, thanks. Well, good luck.

Sweet, thanks.

Hey, I think he likes you.

The duct tape guy? Yeah.

He doesn't even know my name. Did you see him wink at you?

[scoffs] He totally winked.

Corrin, he was blinking.

[brakes squealing]


[screams] Ahhh!

What the fuck, Mom?

You scared the shit out of me!

Your scream could break glass!


I mean, who walks into somebody's house and just starts eating chips?

It's my house too. I grew up here, remember?

Would you get the humidifier down from the hallway closet for me?

Why can't you do it yourself? 'Cause I'm 66 and fucked.

[door closes]

Okay, can I have some money, then?

For getting the humidifier down?

No, rent is due on the first, and my unemployment check doesn't come until the eighth.

Of course.

Oh, that's the same look your father gave me right before he left us for that lady dentist.

Then he went and died, as if that was supposed to make up for it.

Ugh, here we go. You know what's funny?

You're the one who made the dentist appointment?

Well, what else was I supposed to do?

His breath was so bad, it was like he had an asshole where his mouth was supposed to be.

If I'd been willing to kiss a little ass, he'd probably still be around.

Oh, did I tell you what Meredith said?

Who's Meredith?

The woman who cuts the chicken at the Jewel-Osco.

You need to shave your legs, Susan.

She heard me say that my son was a physician's assistant.

Who were you telling that to?

Oh, I don't know, someone else in line.

Wait, what? Someone in line?

So you just tell people you're standing next to in line that your son Cameron's a physician's assistant?

I don't remember.

Anyway, Meredith said, "If he's a physician's assistant, "he must be a genius because physicians assistants

"are even better than doctors these days

'cause they can't get sued for malpractice."

I'm pretty sure he's just too stupid to be a doctor.


Cameron says... that the reason I still have this cough is 'cause it's too dry in here.


[humidifier whistles loudly]

She asked me about my daughter.

Who did? Meredith.


I told her you just lost your job.

Who? You did.

Did what? You lost your job.

What? You lost your job!

'Cause the flower company went out of business!

Cameron just sent me flowers from there two weeks ago.

Well, my department went out of business.

I thought you were in delivery!

I was in, uh, rose nutrition. Where's your purse?

On the kitchen table.


I expect you pay me back this time!


Why'd you turn the humidifier off?

The yelling was making me nauseous.

I'll plug it back in when I leave.


There you go.

Your father could never keep a job either.

You want some tea?

I'll see you for your birthday on Monday.

You know, if it was up to me, I wouldn't celebrate my birthday, but Cameron says it's important to celebrate me.

Bye, Mom. What?

[door slams]

[upbeat music]



♪ Hey

Attention, Kmart shoppers, have you tried our online shopping?

If your shopping list won't fit into your to-do list...

Hey, Susan.

Hey, Velvet. You look tired.

I was in Cancun on my annual girls' trip with a few of my old sorority sisters.

That's why you're so tan and tired.

It was a blast, and they just made me employee of the month yesterday, so I'm getting a lot of calls.

Yeah, um, I'm employee of the month at the flower shop I work at, so...

And I got a $50 bonus.

I get free tulips for a year.

Awesome. I love tulips.

It's mine and my boyfriend's flower.

We say it means love without pressure.


My phone's blowing up, so...

Yeah, I should probably check mine.

I'm waiting for a call from Jackie Minns.

Jackie Minns who lived across the street from you?

You're still friends with her? She colors my hair.


I think I'll take them.

What? The boots.

These? You should.

Boots make your legs look super long.

They're not cheap. 104, right?

Plus 5.77% tax, brings the total to 110 even.


Scooters are usually reserved for disabled customers.

I know, it's not like I was riding it around or anything.

So these--these aren't your stackable bowls?

Nope. Cool.

What size are you?

I'm a nine. I'm an eight.

[cheerful music]

[dogs barking]


Boil your own damn potatoes then.

Nah, nah, nah, I'm out of here.

Make your own damn potatoes.


[gentle music]

[muffled arguing continues]

[camera shutter clicks]


Who is Mommy's favorite little boy?

Guys, guys, guys. Susan--

Susan come here. Mary--

Got one. Don't stop taping.


What is pi, Susan? Dad!

What is pi?

Pi is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.

Regardless of the size of the circle, pi's always the same number, 3.141592653589.

Mary, did you get that? I got it.

I sure don't know where you get your brains.

Oh, I hope there's a job out there for a flute blower who can dance.

Look, Mommy. I'm drawing a rainbow.

[indistinct chatter]

[TV turns off]

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornments, "such as braided hair or gold jewelry or fine clothes, "but from the inner disposition of your heart, "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God's sight."

Peter 3:3-4.

[chuckles] [applause]

Yay. Yay!

Yes, love that. Happy birthday, Grandma.

Oh, my goodness. I wonder what this could be.

We made it from a book. Oh, will you look at that?

It's a paper hedgehog. [laughter]

And those are fashion drawings.

Oh. Oh, how gorgeous.

Will you make me a dress like that to wear to church?

You're so talented, Jenika. You are too, Aunt Susan.

For two weeks she got her homework done early so she could finish her presents for Grandma.

That is so sweet.

Can I get you some more cake, Mary, or some orange juice?

I'm fine. Are you sure?

Are you feeling okay? You want me to rub your back?

She's fine, Wendy.

Here, Mom. Oh.

Open my gift, okay? Oh, look at that.

Another art project. [laughs]


Oh, cool. Yeah.

You know, if you're not gonna give me a grandbaby, I think this is the next best thing, one of these art projects.

All right, one more gift.

So this is from the three of us.

I decorated the envelope.

Jenika decorated the envelope.

We wanted to do something extra special for you this year, Mom.

Why, 'cause I'm so old?

Oh, it is a privilege to age, Mary.

She doesn't like it that hard.

So we're all going on a trip.

What? Toronto? Niagara Falls.

We're taking you to Niagara Falls.



Leave it to Cameron.

Niagara Falls is on my vision board.

You know, the deaf woman at Walgreens, she says you can't even look at the falls without getting soaked.

You have to wear raincoats.

That's right. We saw that on the website.

I did an oral report on the falls in the third grade.

Yeah, I bet you didn't know that the first person to go over the falls in a barrel was 63-year-old schoolteacher Annie Edson Taylor, and despite myths to the contrary, it does not freeze in the winter.

I do know that. Yeah?


You're not going.

You said-- you said we're all going on a trip.

All of us, not you.

You know, I'm going back to Weight Watchers because I just saw on the news that a woman was suing Delta

'cause her fat got stuck between two seats.

Nonsense, Mary.

You're in terrific shape for a woman your age.

Can't Aunt Susan come too, Daddy?

No, we're not gonna take Susan.

Not this time, honey. Ugh!

I don't know what's going on right now.

I'm not financing you.

If you can pay for your own airline ticket and buy a hotel room, then yeah, you can come with us.

That's everything.

Then I'm just paying for my own trip.

That's right. That's how it works.

Mom, can I borrow some money?

No, she's not giving you any more money, and you're not putting your name on any more of my gifts, and none of us are giving you any more free rides.

This is Mom's birthday, and you're ruining it.

Why are you doing this?

Yeah, it's Mom's birthday.

Stop asking her for money.

What I think Cameron is trying to say, Susan, is-- and don't take this personally, but we've all worked pretty hard for what we have, and I think what Cameron is feeling is it's time to end this pattern.

Nobody talks like that, Wendy.


Mom. Mom.

Mom, tell her. Mom.

We talked about this.

You need to get a job, Susan.

You need to get a job.

I had a job at the flower shop, but it went out of business.

We were just there. It's still open.

My department went out of business.

Jenika, go get your iPad.

What about your job at the carpet store?

It was dangerous.

What? How? Don't worry about it.

Okay, and the movie theater?

If you have a point, Cameron, you better think long and hard about making it.

I thought you were going back to school online.

I thought that was such a positive move.

I was. I am.


I've forgotten my password.

I can help you, Aunt Susan. I'm good at computers.

Thanks, Jensy. I--I would really like that.

Well, you're gonna have to figure something out

'cause Mom's not gonna be around to take care of you forever.

You should be taking care of her by now, not the other way around.

She doesn't need taking care of.

Oh, yeah?

Her blood pressure's through the roof, she eats like shit, she's still smoking, and both Pop-Pop and Nan died of heart attacks before they turned 70.

Why do you think we're taking her to Niagara Falls?

We're trying to do something special for her while there's still time.

Is Grandma gonna die?

Not today, honey.

I'm gonna clean these plates.

Don't want to leave a dirty house in case I don't wake up in the morning.

Mommy, I'm sorry. Oh, don't call me Mommy!

We'll help you, Mary.

He didn't mean that like it sounded.

Jenika, come on, let's go help Grandma clean up in the kitchen.

Fucking-- Fucking moron.

Fuck you.

[maniacal laughter]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you guys, that's too fast.

Andy, Kyle, listen. You never listen.

Jesus, I'm gonna barf. Stop it.

Go find your sister and push her on the thing.

[sighs] Sorry. It's okay.

Sometimes I wish my family died in a house fire, you know?

Over Christmas, caused by a short in a strand of lights on the Christmas tree.

Yeah, but they don't make those kind of lights anymore.

And they all died of smoke inhalation.

It's not safe. Except for me, you know?

I toddled out of the house with a Barbie doll in my hand and a ponytail on top of my head.

I was a Christmas miracle, and then everyone in the country put money in a fund for poor baby Susan.

Wouldn't that be great? Yeah.

You know, if people asked what I did for a living, I would just point to my scars, you know, and just say, "This is what I do."


Then we could have written a song.

We could have called it "Baby Susan," right?

"Baby Susan." We could sell it on iTunes.

Why don't we have a record deal?

It's like, you turn on the TV, it's like, "American Idol," it's like, "The Voice," it's just like they're giving away record deals.

Well, wait a sec, 'cause I was listening to the radio today.

Coyote Carl? Yeah. both: I'd love to give that DJ a BJ.

I would love that. Oh, my God.

Anyway, he said that there was this talent show coming up and some kind of contest.

Are you effing serious? Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me that? I am telling you.

This could change my life.

We could win a lot of money, I bet.

I need money so badly, Corrin, like, yesterday.

You know, I saw at the DMV that they were hiring a labor relations manager.

Why don't you apply for that job?

Really? Does--

Oh, you probably need to know what that is.

I don't know what it is.

You probably also need a clean driving record.

My car is cleaner than my driving record.

[both laugh]

I'll take you. I mean, I'll take you to sign up and to apply and to find out what it is.

No, that's okay. You wanna?

No, I'm just gonna keep spinning for a while.

Where's Vivi? Boys, where is Vivi?


Oh, there you are. What do you have?

A stick. Oh, thanks, honey.

That means she has to go make.

Make what? She has to make number two.

I never should have taken her out of diapers.

[pop music]

[phone rings]

Hello? Susan, it's Doug.

Hey, Doug.

Listen, I dropped off rent a few days ago.

Don't say I didn't 'cause I did.

Yeah, uh, $50 short plus a $15 late fee.

What? Oh, my God.

Oh. Somebody must have taken $50 out of the envelope.

$65, actually, 50 for the rent and--

Well, I'm telling you somebody stole--


What the fart?


What the-- what is wrong with you?

Shoot, sorry.

Can you not see me in that monster truck?

Sorry. Sorry. It's my fault.

I don't have time for an accident.

I'm so sorry, I am not--

Susan from the gym.

How did--

Look, I'm Phil, by the way.

Phil. I mean, I'm not Phil.

My name's Susan.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I, uh--I got distracted like an idiot, and next thing I know, I'm banging into the back of you.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I was just heading to a job interview at my job.

I'm interviewing someone else for another job at the place that I work at.

Are you sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm just a little shaken up, but I'm okay.

I love your "blouze."

Oh, "thankz."

I love your "shoez."

Mm. "Thankzzz."

[both chuckle]

All right, let's see what we got here.

Um, that's not too bad, right?

Yeah, just a little denty.

I'd hate to get insurance involved.

It'd take forever.

Who's got that kind of time? Too much paperwork.

For sure, for sure. Ends up being more complicated than it needs to be.

I don't even have it. I'll tell you what.

Can I, uh, grab your phone, and I'll put my number in it?


Okay, and then why don't you get an estimate, and you can just text me, and I could, I don't know, pop over to your place and bring a check, or I can just send it in the mail, either.

Sure. You send it or pop over.

It's up to you.

Great. So I will send or pop.

[chuckles] Great.

Oh, and please, will you take this and get a massage to work that kink out of your neck?

It is a little kinky.

Hmm. [chuckles]

You're funny.

You're nice to say I'm funny.

Oh, well, you're nice to say I'm nice to say you're funny.

[snorts] That's funny.

Well, I am both sorry and happy that I bumped into you, Susan.


Oh, uh--

Yep. Here you go.

Thank you. All right.

Text me. Maybe I will.

[playing "Blister in the Sun"]

both: ♪ When I'm out walking I strut my stuff ♪

♪ Then I'm so strung out

♪ I'm high as a kite

♪ I just might stop to check you out ♪

♪ Let me go on

♪ Like I blister in the sun

♪ Let me go on

♪ Big hands I know I'm the one ♪ I'm the-- Oh, what happened?

What happened?

I said "I'm the one." Is it "You're the one?"

Oh, you're just thinking about him, aren't you?

I am.

I am thinking about him, Corrin.

Can I borrow your Spanx for tonight?

No, the boys made eye masks out of them.

Oh, I just--

I want to look sucked in for my date.

Are you sure it's a date?

Corrin. What?

He's bringing money over to my place.

I mean, that doesn't seem like a date to you?

Well, no.

I mean, he could have met me at the gym, or he could have mailed it, but he offered to come over.

I mean, this is huge.

I don't know. It could be huge.

Ah, this is, like, bigger than huge.

It's gigantic.

Mm, maybe, maybe, maybe, Susan, maybe.

I mean--I mean, it's, like, life-changing.

I don't know. I don't know. Get the invitations ready!

Yeah, it's just-- Don't mail them.

I mean, Corrin, this could be what I've been waiting for, you know?

A partner, someone to take care of me for a change.

Nancy, give it back. I don't know.

Maybe--maybe we're all born not whole but halves, and we spend our whole lives searching for our other half, you know?

And only then does everything become easy.

Only then do we realize, you know, our full potential.

Give it back! Give it back! Oh, my God.

Shit, how long has that been in there?

[children laughing]

In your dreams, dick breath!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, slow it down, slow it down.

Corrin, whose turn is it to put her to bed?


I will move all the shit from the porch up to the attic if you will do it.

I'll give you a blowjob if you'll do it.

I'm too tired for a blowjob.

All right, just give her to me.

Hi, Tom.

Why do you look so happy? Don't worry about it.

It's none of your beeswax.

Anyway, I should probably get going.

Good night, Vivi. Good night, Susie.

Here's a blowjob.

Are you kidding me? I'm--

That's your fault.

[upbeat music]

[gentle piano music]


It's open.


Oh, hey, drawn in by my musical stylings?

Leon, listen, I love music, okay?

Literally, it's my life, but--

Oh, well, what's your favorite, jazz?

No, n--

Oh, you're a country girl.

[playing country music]


Well, maybe you're feeling the blues.

[playing blues music]

Look, Leon, it's just I have a friend coming over tonight, okay?

And I'm a little nervous, and your piano playing is making me dizzy.

Oh, all right. Um, yeah, band's on a break.

Mm-hmm, band's on a break. Okay.

You want to hear a joke?

No, I do not.

All right. Have fun with your friend.

Oh, actually, um, can I ask a favor?

My nails are wet, and I need to take my rollers out.

Yeah. Thank you so much, yeah.

Start on the left there, mm-hmm.

Just pull 'em out. Like this?

Yeah, just like--just like they're made to be pulled.

Just--oh, ow, ow, yeah.

It hurts?

Yeah, well, it doesn't feel good.

It looks great. Wow. Yeah. Oh.

[smooth music]


Uh, I'm coming.

♪ Oh, oh yeah

♪ Distance in between you and me ♪

Wow. Those are some boots.

Mm, thanks.


Not many people can pull those off.

Oh. I got these quite a while ago, yeah.

Sorry to, uh-- I brought your check.

$420, right?

Yep, that is correct.

At least that's what Bumper Stickler said.

Although they won't be able to fix it for a little while because they're so jammed up.

Hmm. It's bumper season, I guess.

Anyway, nice of you to come here.

Oh, no, no, come on.

It's on--it's on my way home, so...

Uh, great. Well, I should--

Oh, no, you came all this way.

At least I could feed you.

I just made dinner, and when I hungry cook, I make way too much food.

Oh, I don't--I don't want to impose on your--

Not an imposition.

If it was an imposition, I'd say, "It's an imposition," but I didn't say that, did I?

No, you didn't.

Well, then I--I guess I am a little hungry.


And then the ladder gave out, and I thought to myself, "This is it, Phil. This is where you die."


And you'll never guess where I landed.

What? Well, just tell me.

No, I said guess. Guess.

I--a puddle? Mm-mm.

A thicket? Mm.

I don't know, a plate of cookies?

Where? My brother.

I landed on my brother.

Oh, my God. Did you kill him?

No, believe it or not, tiny scratch on his elbow.

Well, that sure was lucky.

If I fell on my brother, I'd want it to hurt.

Families can be rough, huh?

So do you really heart quilting?


The bumper sticker on your car.

Oh, that was on the car when my mom bought it.


And then I bought it from her

'cause I had money--have-- I had and have money.

So you don't quilt? No, I collage.

I'm sorry? You went to college?

No, I do collages.

Collage? Yeah, like this.

Oh. [laughs] Wait, Susan, you did this?

That's all me, yeah.

It's amazing. Thank you.

I also do little collages for burnt children.

Burnt children?

In the burn ward at the hospital?

Oh. [chuckles] Susan, you're amazing.

Thank you.

[belches] Oh-oh.

[laughs] I'm so sorry.

I--I guess I ate too much. It was all so delicious.

Hey, hey, do not apologize for being adorable, and you're an amazing cook.

Thank you.

Susan, can I ask you something?


Do you like to jump?

Do I?

I mean, do I?

Where are you taking me? Is this a haunted house?

Just be patient. You'll see.

Now stand right there. I'm gonna turn the light on.

I don't want you to trip and hurt yourself.

Okay, I'm a statue.


Wow. You work here?

Oh, I own it.

You're an owner?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

This night is unfolding like a dream collage.

So how much does it cost to come here?

$15 for adults, $12 for children.

So it's $54 for a family of four.

If they come eight times a year, that's $432.

Wow, she does math, collages, and helps burnt children?

You are a triple threat, Susan O'Connell.

You are something amazing.

Hey, you ready to get high?

[bright music]


[vomits, spits]


Fucking moron.

Susan? Are you okay?

I am.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.



I'm gonna-- I'm gonna wait outside.

Wait, I think I'm done. I'm done.

[breathing heavily]

Do you want to get on top?

No, thank you.


[Joy Williams' "Sunny Day"]


♪ I open my eyes look to the sky ♪

♪ Oh it's a sunny day

♪ The world is looking so bright ♪ Here you go.

Turn it sideways.

♪ Oh it's a sunny day

♪ Oh

♪ Ohh-ohh

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme what I want ♪

♪ I want sunshine, sunshine

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, 'cause it's been so long ♪

♪ I want sunshine, sunshine


Those look lovely. Oh, thanks.

So sleepy, huh? So sleepy.

What are you gonna wear with it?

Let me pick something out and I will surprise you.

...redefine nonstop shopping.

You can shop...

[PA announcements continue indistinctly]

Hi, Susan. Oh, hey, Velvet.

What's wrong? You look scared.

No, no.

I'm just, uh, swamped.

You know, they made me manager, so what are you gonna do?

Cool, cool, cool.

That's my boyfriend, so what are you gonna do?

Yeah, I really am manager.

Yeah, that really is my boyfriend, so...

Is he?

We're practically engaged, and I'm probably pregnant.

Just seems, you know, kinda sudden for you to have a serious boyfriend.

I mean, how well do you know him?

Oh, my God.

Are you jealous, Velvet Swensen?

I am definitely not.

You know what? Forget it.

You know, I've got too much to do.

I'm responsible for every employee you see and the ones you don't.

Oh, 'cause your life is so much more important.

"Oh, I'm Velvet. I was first to get my period.

"Oh, I got a job at Baskin-Robbins

"even though they said they weren't hiring.

Oh, I go to Cancun with my sorority girls."

Did you get that jacket here? Yes, I did.

Yeah, we were trying to get rid of those.

Staff meeting in five.

Phil, let's go.

Hold my hand. It's important.

Look, I got these sweet Fourth of July trunks.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh, thank you.

Excuse me. This is my boyfriend.

Whew. [laughs]

Oh, you got your pinwheel, babe?

I do. Okay.

Ah, turtle, looks like somebody's been straightening up.

I moved a couple things.


I had a great day. Me too.

In fact, I've had a great month.

Me too.

Argh! [chuckles]

So... So?

You want to watch a show and rub my feet?

More than you know.

My God, that would be hot. [chuckles]

But no. I gotta go to work.

I got to supervise the cleaning crew, got a couple of complaints that the trampolines are sticky, but I'll be thinking about you.


As I clean up that stickiness.

Oh, I almost for--you okay?

Yes. Sorry.

I almost forgot.

I got you a little something when you weren't looking.

Something else?

What the potato salad has gotten into you, Phil, the owner?

You got into me. [chuckles]

I love it.

It's so beautiful. Yeah.

What does it mean?

It means whatever you want it to mean.

Do you want to meet my family?

I mean, I understand if it's rushed, or if your own family is dead, so families make you nervous or sad or something, but it's my niece's First Communion this Sunday.

I don't even know if you're a church person.

Me, I just go for the music, myself.

Then next week we're supposed to go on a family trip to Niagara Falls, but I don't know if I'm going because I don't have the funds right now just because--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, turtle, if you need anything, money, anything, you just ask.

Really? Yeah.

We'll talk about it at the confession.

Communion. Perfect. Mm.

And by the way, I am, uh--

I'm pro-family. Oh, really?


I love families.


[rain pattering softly]

[upbeat music]

[bear growls] [bells ring]

Hello? I'm in the kitchen.

Come in here.

Guess what.

Is it about me or you?

Remember I told you about that talent show I heard on KRPP? Yes.

Okay, so I was listening to my fantasy lover, DJ Coyote Carl, on the radio this morning.

Long story short-- Short story long.

That talent show is this week, and guess who got us a spot.

Are you fucking kidding me?

And the first 25 callers get to perform at the grand reopening of that used car dealership over on Bayard.

The one that used to be a gas station?

Yes, so I called.

What number were you? 22!

No, I wanted to guess! Well, we're 22.

Well, why don't you have a shirt on?

Oh, I gave it to Andy.

There were skulls on it, so he made a cape.

Andy, I want to see your cape!

And get this, everyone who performs gets a $200 gift certificate to the Jewel-Osco.

That's, like, a dream.

I'm so sick of spending money on food.

Listen to this, the winner, the grand prize, gets to open for the Fat Sams on their tour for two months, Susie Bird.

How about that? Right?


Oh, but we need to come up with a name for the band by the end of the day.

This is huge. Hey, honey.

Vivi wants another slice of pizza.

Are we out of pizza? No.

So go in there, open the box, put your hand in, take out a slice, and give it to her.

Okay, honey, thank you. I can do that.

Hey, Tom, we need a name for our band.

We're trying to think of a name.

I don't know. "I don't know."

We need something clever that says, like, ladies who play the ukulele and the flute.

How about Ukulady and the Tramp?

Why don't you go rest your mouth, okay?

I kinda like Ukulady and the Tramp.

I know, I do too.

I just don't want to give it to him.

[bells ringing]

♪ You may cross the barren desert ♪

♪ But you will not die of thirst ♪ Hey, baby.

It's me, just wondering where you are.

Give me a shout when you can. Okay, bye-bye now.

Bye, bye.

♪ You may speak your words

♪ In foreign lands What? Shh!

♪ And all will understand Was that your fake boyfriend?

He's not fake, you idiot. Whatever.

Better shut your face if you know what's good for you.

Oh, yeah, or what?

You'll smear cake all over my car again, you freak?

Jesus. Jesus.

♪ You may speak your words

[phone rings] Hello--hello.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, hang on. Just--

♪ You may see the face of God ♪ Well, I left you that message

'cause I don't want to owe the late fee.

Well, if I'm telling you when you're gonna get it, then it's not actually gonna be late.

Because you'll get it whenever I said you're gonna get it.

Do you get it?

♪ I go before you always

[bells ringing]

Bye. Bye. I don't know.

Sweetie, we are so proud of you.

Thanks. We're so proud.

Let me try him one more time. We're taking off, Susan.

Not yet.

Hi, baby. It's me again.

Just checking in.

Figured you were probably in the middle of a work emergency, clean up on aisle six.


Um, sorry, um, just whatever. It's no biggie.

Just call me when you can. Okay, okay, bye-bye.

So he's not gonna make it?

Well, Mom, I don't know if he can because he only exists inside Susan's head.

I think you're confused, Cameron.

I think you might be thinking of Edward, your imaginary friend from when you were, like, nine.

I was four, and it was totally normal.

Guess what. It's not.

Dad and I thought you were a psychopath.

Susan, don't mention your father near a church.

He was a selfish asshole.

Let's try to remember it's Jenika's day.

Aunt Susan, did you get me a present?

Oh, yeah, sweetie. I got you--


Here's some headbands.

Awesome. [sighs]

And some Krazy Glue. Cool!

Yeah, go crazy.

Yeah, we better get going before the meatloaf gets ate up.


Are we going to the hospital again for meatloaf day?

What I wouldn't give to have that recipe.


Maybe you and Phil could meet us there?

There is no Phil, people. Don't call me people.

I told you, I hate that.

There is a Phil, and we're probably moving in together soon, and he's paying my way to Toronto, where I'm gonna hold your head under the goddamn falls!

Oh, sorry, Pastor.

I'm gonna call you about a wedding.

Do you do weddings? I'm gonna call you.

No, I don't really care.

So that's not really his fault.

Hi. Hi.

Have you guys seen Blair?

Actually, I think I saw her flirting with the bartender.

Classic. But that was a while ago.

Typical. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What does everyone have against Blair?

I thought you were all friends.

Not anymore, 'cause she never thinks before she opens her big mouth.

She also talks like a robot.

She also chews way too loud, like a farm animal.

That is harsh.

Oh, hey, will you bring me that rosé?

Oh, and a Basil Hayden's, while you're at it?

[loud crash]

You have got to be kidding me!

[horns blaring]

Nice way to start your day.

Look, I work just up the street, and I'm late for a very, very important presentation, so if you could just meet me there, that would really--

What? In, like, 30 minutes.

It's gonna be totally fine.

Hey! Are you high? No, y--

[phone rings]

Why aren't you wearing shoes?


This is a big deal, Sylvia. Congratulations.

Wow, um, what an honor to have been--

Hold on, Hannah and I still have to go.

Where have you been?

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Don't worry about it. Okay.

Where are you going with this?

Why are you being such an annoying bitch?

Oh, that's really nice.

Look, I have no idea what I did to upset you, but whatever it is, I'm sorry, I'll stop.

You know exactly what you did.

No, I don't. Oh, yeah?

[horn blaring]

[upbeat music]

You got any jacks?

Go fish.

Hey, Sue, want a burger?

Check this out.


Keep practicing, Laney. You have any threes?

Hey, you want to hear a joke?

No, Leon, I don't have time to hear about your legs.

Okay, sorry.

You don't want to hear about my legs?

-You have any threes?

I mean, what-- what did happen to your legs?

Well, I was gifted with polio as a child.

Hey! Go fish.

Oh, cool. I mean, I'm sorry. That's--that's sad.

Anyway, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna bounce.

You got any fives?

You are a cheater.

[upbeat music]

[siren blares]

Yay, you made it. Sorry, Jensy.

I can't stay. Just grabbing some eats to go.

You even sound like your father.

You need to wear a slip, Susan. I'm with them.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Phil, the owner.

Uh, yeah, he should be around here somewhere.

Uh, there he is.

Over by the foam pit with his wife and kids.

[dark music]

Great guy. Great dad too.

Uh, ma'am, you dropped your bag or your purse.

Oh, that's your purse.

[dog snarling]



♪ All the kids in the marketplace say ♪ both: ♪ Way-oh, way-oh

♪ Way-oh, way-oh

[playing "Walk Like an Egyptian"]

Susan, maybe it wasn't his wife.

But the tall, weird kid said it was his wife.

It was probably his wife.

I don't know, Corrin, she was pregnant, and she had that pregnant glow, you know?

And she looked so happy. Aww.

Like a woman on one of my dream collages.

Well, but her husband's cheating on her.

Yeah, but she doesn't know that, and what you don't know doesn't count.


I don't count, you know?

Of course you count. Come on.

In my mind, Corrin, we were-- we were already married, you know?


And, um, raising kids of our own, you know?

They were--they were sweet and small like Phil, but, you know, they had hair and everything.

Listen to me. Look at me.

You can still have kids, just not with Phil, but you can--listen.

You can have them with somebody else.

You can even have them by yourself.

When you say his name, it's like you literally took razor blades and you cut my face.

Sorry. But you know what?

Heartache is great for music.

So why don't you take these feelings you're having of loneliness and sadness and channel it for the show?

Yeah. For the show, the show.

Okay, yeah, I am. All right?

I think it's gonna be a good show.

It's gonna be a good show.

You're gonna be fine.

Yeah, we're gonna be great.

Yeah. I should probably go.

Okay. You should go home and rest.

Don't think about Phil! Ow, my face.


Hey, Susan, this is Doug.

I got your IOU and this collection of magazine clippings pasted together on a piece of paper.

They're very nice, but they do not your rent make. Plea--

Susan, it's your mother.

We need to be at the airport at 1:00 tomorrow.

Cameron wants us to just take a cab, but I don't want him throwing his hard-earned money away when you're not doing anything.


[engine revs]

So what are you looking to get for this today?

Uh, two--



The diamonds are moissanite. I'll give you 250.

Take it or leave it.

It's fine.

How much is this?

$5. I want this too.

Okay. But I want it for free.


[upbeat music]

A little more weight towards the--

I'm going to pull it out and then--

[door closes]

[breathing hard]

What's with the suitcases?

I'm coming with you to Niagara Falls, which means I can't drive us, so I guess we're gonna have to take a taxi.

How'd you pay for a ticket? Don't worry about it.

It's just a one-way ticket, but I'll figure out how to get back.

Who knows, maybe I'll even stay and make a life for myself there under the falls.

Do you have a passport? What?

Canada's another country. You need a passport.

How long does it take to--

It took us over a month to get ours because the system is so overwhelmed.

I brought an empty shampoo bottle, and it said on the website of the hotel that you could win a free return trip next year.

Wait, what's that about a shampoo bottle?

Yeah, I guess people take some of the water back home with them from the falls.

Oh, I didn't know that.

And I think I read on the website that the hotel has a free dessert and happy hour from 5:00 to 7:00 every night.

Stop! Get out!

Get the hell out of my car! Get out!

Ooh! Thanks.

Uh, get out on Daddy's side. Just go by--

Great, Susan, great. Real nice.

Cursing in front of my fucking grandbaby.

I got this one, Cameron. I just don't understand you.

Like you got a screw loose.

Do you have a screw loose, Susan?

This is not your car. It's Mom's--hey, hey!



That's my bag. Sorry, Mom, I'm sorry.

[Reyna Larson's "I Don't Know Why"]

♪ I don't know why

♪ Sometimes it does

[phone rings]

♪ It does not show

♪ That I can't stand

♪ To let him go

♪ The sweetest love we know

♪ The hardest to let go

♪ But all summers end

♪ And all little babies cry

♪ And all my lovers went away ♪

♪ In time I don't know why

♪ And all of the flames burn out ♪

♪ And all my lovers let me down ♪

♪ In time I don't know

[phone rings]


Are you okay?

I've been better.

Well, you're gonna be great after the show.

You know why? 'Cause music heals you, and that is why I have been up since 3:00 in the morning, 'cause I'm so excited.


I just feel like my whole life is about arriving at this point, you know?

[scoffs] Yeah, me too.

What are we gonna wear?

I don't know. I'll probably wear my jean jacket.

Oh, that's a great idea. Maybe I'll wear mine.

I mean, we have to match, right?

Like Destiny's Child?

Okay, so the show starts at 7:00.

Why don't you meet me there at 5:00, and we can have a bratwurst or something, and then we'll just run it a bunch of times?

Okay. That sound good?

I'll see you soon?

Was I always like this?

Like what? What are you talking about?

Never mind.

Okay, I'll see you there. I'm so excited.


[tires squeal]

[upbeat music]

You'll have to go ask Mommy. Come on, come on, Kyle.

What? They're hungry.

Well, okay, there's, like, 5,000 food tables.

Go get them a fried stick of something.

Well, do you have money? I gave you, like, $12.

It's in the car. I'm rehearsing.

Can you see that I am rehearsing?

You're not doing anything. I am.

I've been going over beats in my head and rhythm and stuff.

Besides, this is backstage, and it's talent only.

I don't think you guys are allowed.

What are you talking about? There's no backstage.

[engine revving]

[gears humming]

[humming stops]

[sets bottle down]

The mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages at this time.


All right, number 22. Huh?

Looking for number 22?

Oh, my God. That's me over here.

Hi. You're Coyote Carl.

I am. Wow.

I can't believe I'm meeting you in person.

I mean, I listen to you on the radio every single day.

Well, that's how I knew about this whole thing, and I've even seen you on TV once or twice, but this is-- wow, this is great.

Yeah, I love me those string instruments.

Oh, yeah.

I dated a banjo player back in college.

Oh, yeah?

Whew, did she teach me how to pluck.

If you know what I mean. I know what you mean, yeah.

All right, number 22? Yeah.

Ukulady and the Tramp? Well, I'm the Ukulady, and the Tramp's not here yet, but she'll--she'll be here.

All right, well, she better not take too long

'cause we got three more acts ahead of you.

All right, good luck, little strummer girl.


Hey, Coyote, sorry.


[heavy metal music]

[siren chirps]

Hey, Miss, we're gonna need you to come down from there.

Ah. all: ♪ Doo-wah And that was the Daddies.

[cheers and applause]

My daddy couldn't carry a tune to save his life, but boy, did he teach me how to whittle.

[laughter] That's right.

How about some more Farmingville talent?

What do you guys say? [cheers and applause]

That's right.

Now, next up, we got-- now or never, sweetheart.

Come on. You want to scratch?

No, no, I'll do it. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for our last act of the night, Ukulady and no Tramp.

[cheers and applause]

Come on, Cor.


The bracelet is just magnificent.

I know, I know. I mean, it's just breath--

The authorities' suspicions became clear as they approached the scene.

What first appeared to be a suicide in progress near Route 53 turned out to be an intoxicated woman vandalizing private property with graffiti.

The woman remains uncooperative with local law enforcement, and her motives remain unclear at this time.

♪ When I'm out walking I strut my stuff ♪

♪ And I'm so strung out

[musical beats]

♪ High as a kite

♪ I just might stop and check you out ♪

[scattered laughter]

♪ Let me go on

♪ Like I blister in the sun

♪ Let me go on

♪ Big hands I know--

[crowd booing]

Forget it.

Don't look at me, Coyote Carl.

Come on, you were great.

Ma'am, this is your final warning.

If you don't stop what you're doing, we're gonna have to come up and get you.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know pigs could climb.

Phil and what? Huh?

What the hell, Ramirez?

The world needs to know the truth.

Okay? Here.


Phil-and-erer, philanderer.

Can't you read that?

This man here is a filthy, filthy philander--ahh!

[operatic music]

I can do it myself. I can do it myself.

[camera snaps] And turn.

Susan O'Connell, your bail's been posted.

You're free to go.

Who-- A good Samaritan.

I don't know.

Hurry up. It's cold in here.

[insects chirping]

[gentle music]

[distant siren]

[siren wails]

[dog barking]


Come on.




How'd you know it was me?


I saw the eviction notice on your door and all your stuff out here.

Is there anything I can do to help?


I couldn't sleep, so I was just cleaning up.

You left your laundry in the washer, so I dried it for you, folded it up again.

♪ Ooh

♪ From the front to the back

♪ I make a girl have a heart attack ♪

♪ Can I get a witness, y'all? ♪

♪ Somebody help me


It's tasty.


Did you have sex with me just because I folded up your laundry?

Mm, mm-hmm, kinda.







Shh, go--go away.

Can I just get you to help me for a minute?

I left something out in my car, and I really need to have it because--

Okay, I'm up, I'm up.

I'm thirsty. I need something to drink.


[birds chirping]

[siren wails]

Oh, my God, shut up.





[toast pops]


[line trilling]


Hi, Tom. Is Corrin there?

She doesn't want to talk to you.

Come--come on, Tom. I know--

[dial tone]

[knocking on door]

I know I missed the show, but I got detained, and when I say that, I literally mean detained, arraigned and detained for spray-painting Phil's face.

Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was last night?

How embarrassed you were?

Corrin, 700 firefighters saw up my skirt.

You know what? I don't care.

It doesn't even matter, all right, Susan?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

What you did to me last night was inexcusable, and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of taking care of you.

I'm tired of worrying about you.

Everything you do is always about you, and I'm done, and I'm done with your crazy stories.

Corrin, but I'm ready to get my shit together for real this time.

I don't believe you, Susan. It's like--

It's like you're stuck, like you're stuck in quicksand.

Mom, can we bust this over your head?

No, please get that out of the house.

Move. Hey, Tom.

Um, also, I have been temporarily evicted from my apartment.

Oh, Jesus.

And I was just wondering--

I know it's not a good time to ask if I could stay with you guys for just a couple--

[birds chirping]


When it rains, it pours, dick breath.

Boys, that wasn't funny.

Sorry. Good shot.


[tune plays]

[playing notes]

Oh, oh.

Jesus. Susan.

Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me.

Sorry, not sorry. What do you want, Doug?

What are you doing in Leon's apartment?

I'm staying here for a while. It's none of your business.

I mean, what are you doing in your apartment?

What? Nothing.

This is highly irregular. You're highly irregular.

You kicked me out of my apartment.

Well, you didn't give me much choice.

I didn't have choices.

Instead I found all my stuff on the lawn.

What'd you expect me to do?

I gave you, like, nine warnings.

What do you want, Doug?

[sighs] I just found Leon's keys outside on the lawn.

They want me to bring over some of his stuff.

Turns out I'm his emergency contact, if you can believe it, which is also highly irregular.

Emergency contact for what?

Susan, are you-- Leon's in the hospital.

[voice distorted] He collapsed in the courtyard this morning.

Laney found him, had to call 911.

How do you not know about that?

[high-pitched ringing]

Susan? Susan?

Everything okay in there?

You've been in there quite a while, which is highly irregular.

I should probably get over to the hospital before too long.

Uh, I think they're expecting someone.



I would have come sooner, but I didn't know.

That's okay. I have your keys.

They were on the lawn. Thanks.

I also drove your van here because the police have my car.

Oh. Okay.

I also squared away your rent for the month with Doug.

You did?

No, I didn't.

I don't know why I said that.

It's a lie.

I lie a lot.


Sorry for putting you in the hospital.

It's not your fault. It's my diabetes.

Probably should have had a hit of the OJ before we...

You have polio and diabetes?

God can be such a hater sometimes.


I brought you a few things.

Ooh, Cassie.

Thank you.

[playing notes]

Hey, I'm in the mood for a good joke.

Do you know any good jokes, Leon?

Well, I might be able to come up with something.


Do you know why your butt crack goes like this and not like this?


'Cause if it went like this and you fell down the stairs, you'd go...

[lips sputtering]


[rim shot plays]

Tell me another one. [laughter]


Oh, good, you're back.

What are you doing here?

Visiting a friend.

Don't worry. This is my little brother.

Get out. Your brother's my doctor?

Physician's assistant.

Well, I have some good news for you, Leon.

You're gonna get to go home to that building soon

'cause we're letting you out of here today.

Oh, goody.

Just promise me to be a little better about staying on top of your blood sugar, okay?

And do you have anybody who can check in on you?

Yes, he does. Anybody responsible?

Yes. Who?

Can I see you in the hallway, please?

If you could just take a quick look through these, get your John Hancock, we should be all set, yeah?

What is your problem? I know what you're up to.

Oh, yeah? What am I up to?

You're gonna try to befriend him.

Well, I already am his friend, so check.

Then you're gonna figure out a way to mooch off this poor guy just like you do with everyone else in your life.

Jesus, Susan, what the hell?

This is where I work, for Christ's sake.

Has it ever occurred to you that I might actually care about him?

Ha! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

You don't care about anyone but yourself.

You never have.

You know what? You are never not an asshole.

You know it's true.

Oh, that's nice. Walk away.

Like father, like daughter, I guess.

You know what?

I never blamed Dad for leaving like you and Mom always did.

You know why? Because it was smart for him to leave.

I would have left, too, if I wound up with a fucking retarded family like this one!

It's meatloaf day in the cafeteria.

Your retarded family called to tell you about it, but it went to voicemail.


All right, loaf time. It's okay, sweetie.

Everything all right?

Everything's fine.

[gentle music]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey. Hey, dude.

What are you doing out here?

I know they can be a little retarded.

Sometimes I wanna leave too.

Don't ever do that. They love you.

They love you too.

Don't say retarded.

Jenika, don't skip in the hospital.

Oh, hi, Susan.

I'm sorry for what I said back there.

But I'm not gonna say I didn't mean it because I kinda did mean it.

I'm happy y'all had a fun vacation.

Y'all worked hard for it and deserve it.

Mom, I'm sorry you picked a favorite child and that he turned out to be a stuck-up piece of shit.

I'm sorry you never told me I was awesome when I was a kid even though it would have been a lie.

I'm sorry you had to raise two children on your own because you married a "selfish asshole," and I'm sorry you think I can be a little bit like him sometimes, but the truth is...

I think I'm probably a little more like you.

It's something I'm working on.

Enjoy your family meal.

[loud clatter, concerned chatter]

At least she didn't ask for money.

Good lord.


You okay?


[keys jangling]

Are you okay?

Oh, me? I'm good.

I could probably use a soda or something to get my sugar back up, but I can wait till we get back to the house for that.

♪ I'm about to set off

♪ Mm, yeah

♪ I never felt so good

♪ I'm about to break off

♪ Mm, yeah

♪ I never felt so good

♪ I'm not trying to hide it ♪

♪ I'm not trying to deny it Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

Uh, this is employees only.

Um, Miss, you can't--

This is against the rules. Phil!

You're supposed to use gloves when scooping ice.

Phil! Phil!


Oh, that's a combo. That's her pretzel.

♪ I never felt so good What's happening right now?


♪ I never felt so good

♪ I never felt so good You gotta pay for those.

♪ I never felt so good

♪ I never felt so good Well, that was weird.


Mmm! Nice!

No, a sandwich is fine.

What is this?

VIP passes and gift certificates to Jumpaline for you and the kids.

Oh. Thanks.

Um, let me know if you want to hang sometime or, um, you know, if we still have a band.

I don't want to go to bed! I want a movie!

The boys just made a planter out of my ukulele, so I can't even play it.

Really? Well, what did they plant?

They said cherry pits.

I actually think it might be marijuana.

I don't know, guess we'll have to wait and see.

Corrin, I'm losing it! I can feel myself losing it!


I've gotta go put the oops baby down, so thanks for the tickets.

I can do it if you want.


You want to do spider check? Yeah.

Fine, okay.

Come on. No!

Did you get a haircut? Yeah, last week.

Yeah, it looks cute. It's short.

Yeah? I can see your ears.

Oh, thanks, honey.

I like your ears. Oh, good.

You wanna get high? I do.

Do you have any? I do.

No spiders in there.


Oh, no spiders in there either.

Susan, look under the desk.


Kyle has her head.

Well, don't ever lose your head over a man.


What's this?

It's a tickle spider, ooh!

Susan! [laughing]

[horn honks]

Uh-huh. [sighs]

I'm also very creative, and I can do percentages in my head.

Is there anything else Kmart should know about you before we conclude this interview?

All right then.


Just that I've always been jealous of you because your life always seemed so perfect, you know?

You always seem so happy, and you're so pretty, and in high school you were in that commercial for Mattress Giant.

You saw that? Yeah.

It was always on during "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

I love that show. I know, me too.

Are those flowers from your boyfriend?


You're so lucky.

They're actually from my mom.

My boyfriend broke up with me, so...

Oh, I'm s--

When? A year and a half ago.

He was addicted to some girl on a porn website, you know?


What a bastard.

I see you left the box unchecked for

"Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

Yes, I, as of now, technically never have been convicted of a crime.

However, I do have an upcoming court date.

That's okay, Susan. I know all about it.

You do? I saw you on the news.

I was on the news?


I posted your bail.

Why? I don't know.

Look, Phil Conklin's a slimy little dick.

I'm sure he had it coming. You know Phil?

I made the mistake of going on one date with him when I was rebounding.

I should have known he was no good when he "accidentally" hit my car.


Uh, well, I'll-- I'll pay you back.

Money well spent.

Thank you.

Thank you for showing interest in Kmart.


You'll be hearing from us in a couple of days.

[The Spinners' "Lazy Susan"]

Hey, baby, wake up. Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up. Hey, baby, wake up.

♪ A princess dressed in dirty rags ♪

♪ Pretty dresses on her back she never had ♪

♪ Folks say she don't know right from wrong ♪

♪ But to me her smile lights up the dawn ♪

♪ Oh lazy Susan

♪ Won't you come on home to me ♪

♪ Lazy Susan

♪ Won't you keep my company ♪

♪ Lazy Susan

♪ Won't you come on home with me ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Oh

♪ Susan ooh ♪ It may get late

♪ Won't you come on home to me ♪

♪ Girl 'cause you're moving slow ♪

♪ Susan ooh ♪ But I know

♪ Won't you keep my company ♪

♪ Real good lovin' ♪ Susan ooh

♪ Can rearrange your life

♪ Won't you come on home to me ♪

♪ And when we get it together girl ♪

[engine sputters]


[Summer Kennedy's "Gold Rays"]

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

♪ Like a bird with open wings ♪

♪ I can do anything

♪ Like a kite without a string ♪

♪ I can do anything

♪ I'm not ever coming down

♪ Ooh, hey!

♪ I'm going up

♪ Up in the air

♪ I'm walking on gold rays

♪ I'm going up

♪ Up through the clouds

♪ I'm walking on gold rays

♪ All together, everyone

♪ Light it up and chase the sun ♪

♪ I'm not ever coming down

♪ Ooh, hey!

♪ I'm going up

♪ Up in the air

♪ I'm walking on gold rays

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

♪ I'm going up

♪ Up through the clouds

♪ I'm walking on gold rays

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

♪ I'm not ever coming down

♪ I'm not ever coming

♪ I'm going up

♪ Up in the air

♪ I'm walking on gold rays

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

♪ I'm going up

♪ Up through the clouds

♪ I'm walking on gold rays

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh