Le grand mechant renard et autres contes... (2017) Script

(HAMMERING)

PIG: Hurry up. We're running late!

-On stage, everybody! -DUCK: Anyone seen the baby?

RABBIT: What about the tree?

CHICKEN: I believe Rabbit has it.

-DUCK: I can smell the baby. -(GASPS)

PIG: Shh! They're here, hurry up!

DUCK: I can't find the baby!

FOX: Maybe she's with the props.

-PIG: She's not a prop. -So, where does this tree go?

Behind! It goes behind. (GRUNTS)

-Hey, uh, did you see the baby? -Yeah, over there.

-(CLATTERING) -Where did Pig get to?

-Oh yeah, he just went that way. -Right-oh!

CHICKEN: We're not ready. The audience is waiting.

You, you, get out there and keep them busy!

-FOX: What? Now? -CHICKEN: Now!

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) Welcome, everybody.

We are called the Honeysuckle Farm Theatre Company and today-- Tonight, we are proud to present three plays! The first one is called, Baby Delivery!

-It's about a stork and-- -Psst, we're gonna have to change the title.

-Huh? We can't just change it! -We don't have a baby!

Are you kidding? What shall we call it then?

Oh yeah, good question. Hold on!

-(CLATTERING) -DUCK: Got it!

We'll use this watermelon!

Ah! Good! Um...

So, our first play is now, Watermelon Delivery!

The story of a... baby melon who's delivered by a stork to a...

-Psst, we found the baby. -Ah. Where was she then?

She was behind the watermelon.

Well, without further ado here's, Baby Delivery

(ALL GASPS)

We're not ready, we're not ready!

(CHUCKLES) So sorry, you, uh, didn't see that!

-CHICKEN: The ladder! -PIG: Someone take the ladder.

-CHICKEN: I'll get it. -RABBIT: I'm still on it.

-(SCREAMING) -(THUDDING)

Okay, we're ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Delivery!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(ROOSTING CROWING)

(COUGHS)

PIG: To most, being called a pig is an insult.

We're considered selfish, filthy, lazy and...

some pigs are. But not me.

I love nothing more than tending to my garden.

My crops...

are like my children.

Ah, well I've just cut the head off of one of my children and yes, clearly they're not my-- my actual children.

Oh, I've got to stop talking to myself.

Still, I'd rather listen to myself

than that pair of idiots over the fence.

-What you doing? -Oh, I'm garden--

-Not gardening! -Can I help?

No, no, no, no, no! Thanks, I'm fine, really.

-What're you doing? -We're gardening.

Ah! Love that, I'll give you a hand.

Oh no, there's no need. It's quite all right!

-(SCISSORS SNIPPING) -DUCK: What's that?

-Can I cut it? -D-- d-- don't you dare touch!

They're hard enough to grow without you butting in.

Okay! I'll crack on with the weeding then.

Yes, you do that. Stick to the weeding.

RABBIT: And what about me?

-My beans are ruined! Huh? -(DUCK WHISTLING)

Oh, stop! Stop! Stop, what are you doing?

I'm getting rid of the weeds.

You told me to get rid of the weeds, -so that's just what I'm doing. -But those are carrots not weeds, you fool!

(DUCK AND PIG COUGH)

Stop! Are you crazy! That is poison!

-(MUMBLING) -Huh?

-It gets rid of all the bugs! -You're the only bug here!

Go on, get out!

Really? Cause I did find some big bugs

-in your bushes over there. -That's a tomato.

In that case, I stopped your tomato invasion!

-PIG: All of them? -You're welcome.

Okay, so, what can I do now?

Nothing at all! Both of you, -out! -Okay, all right! (EXHALES)

-We were only trying to help. -Well, go and help elsewhere!

But look, I haven't pruned this tree yet.

Now you listen to me, no one goes near my apple tree.

-Hmm? -Hmm?

(COOING)

Am I a dad?

But? Where did that come from?

(BLOWS RASPBERRIES)

(RUSTLING)

(GROANS)

-I'm in pain! -Wh-- what happened to you?

I was flying through the air, when out of nowhere your...

-pine tree hit me! -You mean apple tree.

I don't think I can fly anymore.

The violence of the collision broke my wing.

You can stay here and recover, as long as you like.

-It doesn't look that bad. -Not that bad?

It's an absolute disaster, darling! A tragedy!

You know this little girl will become an orphan, if I do not deliver her on time!

Unless I find a volunteer to deliver her in my place.

Hmm? But I can't do that, I'm just a little pig.

Come on, it's not that difficult.

What, delivering babies?

Oh, don't underestimate yourself.

It is! Stop pushing me!

You're going to abandon this baby?

Hey, we can deliver the baby, easy peasy.

Actually, you know what, I'll do it.

Certainly not! You can't handle it, -you're just a pig. -Yes I can, you said I could.

No, you can't. That's enough.

Here. Her name is Pauline. There's her bottle and her address. Well, thanks again, and bon voyage.

Wait there, wait there. You don't seem to know...

-Oh, it's you again. -You cannot trust those two with this baby! You don't seem to know that they're a menace!

You have no right demeaning others when you were too selfish

-to agree in the first place. -But look at them, they're fools. Where have they gone to?

Hmm?

RABBIT: Genius idea but are you sure

the tree is pointing the right way?

-Absolutely. -So, she'll land in Avignon?

Yes, of course she will. No problem.

Now, up you go.

-You sit there Pauline. -Stop! Wait! Wait!

Drop that rope!

You can't put a baby on a catapult.

What are you thinking of?

We only wanted to send her home.

-Come here, you. -(PAULINE COOS)

Now, please take this baby back to the stork!

Oh, okay, okay, we'll go.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS, SCREAMS, GROANS)

You know, I'm not sure about catapults for personal use.

They're dangerous and generally not a good idea.

Hey, we could always walk there.

Yeah! Great idea.

No, no, no. Very bad idea. We're going nowhere!

We're taking this baby back to the stork!

-We simply can't look after her! -Of course, we can! Let's go!

And you know the way to Avignon?

Sure! Hmm, it's-- We'll ask along the way.

(GRUNTS)

Bonjour! You are off to Avignon, No?

We know all about that town! We go there every summer!

It's not complicated to get there. You see, when you're at the crossroads, the fourth to your right, that's Avenue De Champignon. Don't take it! Go straight on.

Then, you take the second to the right and then you take another right and then straight away

-at the roundabout, you take a-- -(SNEEZES)

(SNIFFS) It's the pollen.

(SNEEZES)

Okay, I found someone who can help us!

Ah, yeah, I'd like to introduce Mr. Wolf.

-Hello, gentlemen. -Hello.

Do you mind if I rustle something up before we leave?

Yes, yes. That's no problem. Please.

-It's a wolf. -Well yes, his name is Mr. Wolf.

We shouldn't stay here, he's going to eat us.

I doubt it. He's fixing himself a snack!

Almost ready.

No worries, take your time.

Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! He's got fangs and fur, a tail and fangs!

Sorry Mr. Wolf, he's always in a rush.

We, on the other hand...

(ROARS)

I think you may have been right, you know.

(PANTING)

Thank you. What do we do now?

There! The lorry!

-(GRUNTS) -(PANTING)

(WHIMPERING)

(GROWLS)

(ALL SIGH)

I thought he was a nice guy at first.

PIG: Huh?

-(ALL GASP) -(PIG SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

Great idea, the truck was.

-Oh no! -What?

I left the baby's bottle in the back of the truck.

-(PIG SIGHS) -Phew!

If you'd forgotten the baby that would have been really bad.

ALL: Huh?

I don't believe this! How could you?

-Don't panic, we'll find her! -(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Told you we'd find her.

-(WHISTLING) -(PEE TRICKLING)

-ALL: Pauline! -(SCREECHES)

We thought, we'd never see you again.

We were all so worried.

Right, let's go! Hmm?

Now let's deliver that baby! Hold tight.

-How does this thing start? -(LEVER TWISTS)

-(WHISTLING) -(PEE TRICKLING)

Oh, no!

Right, all systems go. Where are we off to?

We need to go there.

No, no, no, you're wrong, you're wrong, it's this way.

(PAULINE LAUGHS)

I read the map, it's this way!

And I'm driving the truck, so it's this way.

-DUCK: I told you it's over there! -RABBIT: No, no, you're wrong!

DUCK: You're all over the place! Give me the wheel!

-(PAULINE SCREECHES) -(GRUNTS) Give it--

(BOTH GRUNTING)

-Very well, here's the wheel. -Oh, no thanks, you're the driver.

(SPLASHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GROANS)

Oh! The baby, Pauline, where are you? Where are you?

-She's not here. -(GASPS)

-And not up there. -Where could she be?

There! Pauline!

-(CROAKS) -(MIMICS FROG)

PIG: Now, this is your job.

You're the one who takes to water like a--

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Just hold on!

-Now, what's the problem? -Yes, well, um, you're going to laugh when I tell you, it's comical, actually. To tell you the absolute truth, -I, um, you know. I can't swim. -What? But you're a duck!

It's okay! I'll take care of it! This is the way to do it.

Oh. With no unpleasant drowning.

Who-- wh-- whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's going to be no drowning. I'll go, too.

(GRUNTS) Right. Left. Right. Very good, slowly there.

Left. Uh, nearly there, Pauline, we're coming.

-Okay... -Safe and sound!

You see that? You hardly even got wet.

Have you got a little thank you for me, Pauline? Yeah?

(SCREAMS)

Such... big... teeth!

(GROANS)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

DUCK: Hey! You okay?

Are you... angry?

Aw, don't be angry. We make a great team.

-We'll make it! Look... -(METALLIC THUDDING)

...we've built a car to get us there faster!

Oh, yes, it'll work great, a little petrol, a match...

(EXPLOSION)

(SIGHS) That's enough.

It's over.

What do you mean, it's over?

Let's cut our losses and head back.

What about Pauline? We've got to take her to her parents!

Take her to her parents?

We don't even know where they are.

We've been gone for over five hours and we're 200 meters from the farm!

(SIGHS) You're exaggerating.

PIG: Oh sorry, yes, that's 300 meters, at least.

What about what the stork said? Remember?

She'll be an orphan if we do nothing.

Well, thanks to you she almost got eaten by a wolf, trampled by a bull, we had to rescue her from drowning, not to mention your catapult.

You'd be better off doing nothing.

You do things without thinking them through!

You do things without thinking at all! You are awful.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're all talk and no do!

-Yeah, no do! At least we try. -Well try on your own. Goodbye!

(COOING)

(SIGHS)

Oh, sorry Pauline.

We have to stop kidding ourselves, we just can't manage! The farm's right there, we'll take you back to the humans.

They'll know what to do. The humans are nice.

(SNIFFS)

Hey, there are two humans there.

(GUN COCKS)

Uh, no, no, not those ones.

(TWIG CRACKS)

-(INHALES) -(SNEEZES)

(GUNSHOT)

-Hmm? -Huh?

-What on earth is this? -(GASPS) Rabbit!

You killed him! You murderers!

-Rabbit! Rabbit! Talk to us! -Pauline...

-You saved her life! -Then my work here is done.

N-- No! No! Stay with us Rabbit!

-I'm-- I'm going... -(SOBS) No.

I'm going to the light at the end of the tunnel.

-Turn back to us! -Someone's talking to me.

It's-- it's a carrot. She wants me to eat her! Coming!

What on earth...

A tranquilizer?

Stop! He's not dead! He's only drugged.

They only shot him with a tranquilizing dart.

-Carrots. -(WHISTLES)

He's really out of it, isn't he?

Wow, there's enough here to knock out an alpaca.

-DUCK: Hey, it's broken! -PIG: Yes, well observed.

Right, where's that rabbit?

DUCK: Isn't that him over there?

PIG: Ah, I don't think so.

DUCK: Ask him!

PIG: Why don't you?

DUCK: But you ask better questions.

PIG: Uh, Rabbit? Is that you?

-RABBIT: Carrots! -(PAULINE COOS)

-(TARSIER SPEAKS CHINESE) -PIG: It's okay, we're leaving!

(TARSIER SPEAKS CHINESE)

DUCK: What did they shoot him with?

-Huh? -Huh?

(SPEAKS CHINESE)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Welcome back. How are you feeling?

All right. Where's the farm?

We're in the forest, do you remember?

And, who's this guy?

-Don't really know. -(SPEAKS CHINESE)

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

He's saying the same thing over and over again, but we don't understand.

He says he comes from China, escaped from a zoo and that humans have been trying to capture him.

(BOTH SPEAK CHINESE)

-Wait! You speak Chinese? -Of course. Don't you?

(SPEAKS CHINESE)

-What is he saying now? -He says, thanks.

-Why is he saying thanks? -He wants to go home, so I told him he could mail himself.

We put him in a parcel, write a Chinese address on it and zoom! He's back home.

Directly home?

(COOS)

You're a genius.

(BOTH SPEAKING CHINESE)

Come on, you will be happier in your home!

It's time to say goodbye.

You've got to go to Mum and Dad. (SNIFFS)

-(COOS) -(ALL SOBBING)

Goodbye, Pauline.

Right... (SIGHS)

...now we need to find a way to drop the boxes off.

RABBIT: I've got an idea!

(DUCK GRUNTS)

Oh no, this is not a good idea. In fact, it's a bad one.

Okay, let me get this straight. This one's Avignon.

This one's going to China.

This box is going to Avignon, right?

So, it's that one, is it then? Right, that's what I thought.

Very well.

Come on son, people are waiting.

So, you're absolutely sure, Avignon, China, Avignon.

Off they go!

PIG: You did what?

The boxes could have got mixed up.

So there's a 50 percent chance that you fools posted Pauline to China?

And a 50 percent chance she's fine!

(MAILMAN WHISTLING)

-We need to get those boxes. -(DOOR SHUTS)

ALL: Pauline!

Don't worry Pauline, I've got this. I'm in control.

MAILMAN: Oh yeah, one more parcel then we're off!

(DOOR SHUTS)

PIG: I was in control.

RABBIT: What's the matter?

Didn't you want a holiday as well?

-(ALL GRUNTING) -(VAN SCREECHES)

-(MECHANICAL WHIRRING) -(ALL GRUNTING, GROANING)

DUCK: I think we've arrived!

-(ENGINE REVVING) -(ALL GROANING)

DUCK: Now, we've arrived!

-Ha! Uh? -Ha! Uh?

PIG: I don't believe this!

Don't worry! It's just a detour!

A detour? It's a disaster.

I can't even speak Chinese, let alone raise a baby there.

Let it blossom, let it flow. That's life.

Yeah, you have to let go sometimes!

-We have failed. -BOTH: What?

We have failed. Pauline will never find her parents.

-Why would you say that! -We'll work something out.

We'll work something out! Great!

I suppose we're going to take over the plane and fly it, eh?

Take care of Pauline, we'll be back!

(PAULINE GIGGLING)

So, I tell my wife. "Watch it, because they will add it

-as a supplement." -(KNOCKING)

Well, that's how they get you with insurance...

-(DOOR OPENS) -...and all the extra fees, and you know, you gotta pay for your seats.

So, what do you think? I know that I need a vacation.

That's what I think.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

-(LEVER PULLS) -(SCREECHES)

(BEEPING)

What do you know, they did it. Avignon we are on our way!

But it will clear up eventually, with the prescribed ointment.

(INHALES)

-(SNEEZES) -(BUTTON BEEPS)

No, no!

-Pauline! -Pauline!

What do we do now, huh?

I don't know!

-The one thing I must do. -And what might that be?

Let go!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Got her.

-I've got her -Yeah, I've got her as well.

-(COOING) -(RABBIT GASPS)

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

-Mr. Tarsier? -(SPEAKS CHINESE)

Hold on, if you're here... we must be...

(ALL THREE) At Pauline's!

This time you really are home and now we have to say good bye.

Time to meet your real parents.

(COOS)

(SNIFFS)

Oh! Henry! You remember that weekend in Bruges?

64B, we made a mistake! She should be next door.

Come here my cutie-- Oh.

WOMAN: Look! It's our baby. She's here!

MAN: Oh, my goodness, she's so beautiful.

(WOMAN GIGGLES) What do we call her?

She looks like a...

Pauline.

So proud, our first baby delivered.

Yeah, we should do this more often.

(PAULINE GIGGLES)

Bye, bye, Pauline. (SNIFFS)

(YAWNS) Always feels quicker on the way home.

Well... (YAWNS) ...I'm tired, off to bed!

-PIG: Good night, fellas. -Good night.

(EXHALES) So, spot of gardening tomorrow?

STORK: So then, I tell them, look I can't go, my wing is broken because of the, you know, you know, the pine tree.

(LAUGHS) You know, what? They believed me! Idiots!

-I wonder where they are now. -Uh, over there.

-Hello! -Oh, uh-- (CHUCKLES)

-Well, hello. -Well, goodnight.

-Your wing seems all right. -Oh, yes, much better thank you.

-How about you? The baby? -Pauline? Oh, she's at home.

We found a revolutionary method of transportation.

It will change your life forever, you know.

-Are you interested? -Oh, uh, well...

You'll see, it's very simple. You take a tree, a rope and whoop, straight to your destination.

It seems a little dangerous though, no?

No, no, no, not at all. See? Just sit here, would you?

-Make yourself comfortable. -Ah, do you mean like this?

-A bit to the left. -So, how does it work?

Ah-ha. There! That was our first piece, Baby Delivery. Now, here's our second play, -which we'll do-- -(SCREAMS)

-Oh, are you okay? -Of course, I'm okay.

I do my own stunts.

What did you make of my performance?

-You need to get off. -Some actors simply have more talent to bring to the part.

-Please, I'm trying to-- -So, if you like what I do, I will be performing a conceptual piece this summer, sitting on a chimney, chained to an unbearable wall of silence, I will reflect on the futility of existence and, um-- No, let me-- (GROANS)

Well that's rather interesting.

Opening in Tamworth and then running unti-- (GRUNTS)

And now, get ready for... (CLEARS THROAT)

...The Big, Bad Fox!

Oh! That's me.

-(RUSTLING) -(GUITAR PLUCKING)

FOX: Ow!

(GROWLS)

(GRUNTS)

(CHICKEN HUMMING)

Oh, oh. (GROANS)

Ah. (GRUNTS)

You again!

-(GROWLS) -Have you ever thought about looking into some other line of work?

I mean, really, you make a mess, you clean it up.

-Eh, Hi! -Oh, hi, there.

-(GRUNTS) -Oh, let me help.

-(GROWLS) -No?

-(GROWLS) -How many more times, really, haven't you got someone else to bother?

-I'm sorry, but I'm hungry. -Go back to the woods!

Ouch! You little pest! Get out, out take that!

-(FOX SCREAMS) -And that and that!

-(THUDS) -(FOX WHIMPERING)

Ah. Oh. So glad you're here.

Uh, um, your basket's ready! Mainly turnips tonight.

I've had a great harvest this week.

See you soon! Bon Appetit!

(SIGHS)

-Bonjour, my friend. -I failed.

-Again? -Completely!

-I tried it your way! -Really?

Yeah, just like you do. (ROARS, COUGHS)

-You know, just like that! -Oh this? (ROARS LOUDLY)

Exactly.

-But it didn't work. -(SCOFFS)

Of course it didn't work.

Why don't you try, eh? You're better at this than me!

You're a pro! You can just go in there and grab a chicken!

-Big, fat, juicy one? -Too dangerous.

Those idiots will spray me with bullets as soon as they see me. You get in all the time.

-You're quite safe. -Safe?

That chicken's got a mean right hook!

You should really try harder, you know.

They're only chickens. I mean, they can't even fly!

It's not my fault no one's scared of me!

(SIGHS) I can't even terrify the little ones.

(SCREAMS)

Little ones! That's it. You're a genius!

-Me? -You can't catch a chicken, obviously. But you can catch the most naive, the most innocent of all creatures.

-Um, a pony? -No!

A chick that hasn't hatched yet.

Ah.

Good night, my little angels.

Hmm? (GROWLS)

Get out!

Madame, if you don't mind, could you throw your rubbish somewhere--

-(WOLF HOWLS) -(GASPING) What's that?

It's the wolf! Come quick, we need to hide, quick!

Psst! Hey, Genius!

(PANTS)

Wake up.

Wake up!

(DOG YAWNS) No. I'm still sleeping.

That fox took my eggs!

Are you sure they were here? Maybe they went for a walk.

No, it's the fox. Go after him!

-Rescue my children! -Ah, well you see, -I'm very busy this morning. -You lazy dog! Go get my eggs!

Hey! But I haven't had me breakfast yet.

And I was going to have a bath this morning.

CHICKEN: There, now some coffee?

Thank you, but I'm trying to quit.

(SIGHS)

-(CRACKING) -Hmm?

(GASPS)

Dinner time!

-Mummy? -Huh?

-ALL: Mummy! -Huh? What do you mean Mummy?

-Stay back! -(CHICKS CHEERING)

I'm not a chicken, I'm a fox! (ROARS)

-I love you! -(GRUNTS) Get off my snout!

-PAULA: Me, too. -ALL: Hugs, Mummy!

(WHIMPERS)

Help! What are you doing. Let me go! Quick, give me your hand! Oh! It's you!

CHICKS: Mummy, Mummy, I wanna play.

-Are you quite all right? -I've done something weird!

-ALL: Mummy. -They think I'm their mother!

-ALL: Mummy, Mummy, Mummy. -Of course. It's quite normal.

Whatever they see first becomes their mother.

They saw you, didn't they?

-What? But I'm not their mum! -I really don't care.

We have to look after them until we're ready to...

-eat them. -Great!

Let's eat them now! Oof.

-Don't you dare. -No? Wha--

-Wh-- why not? -Look carefully.

There's no more than a mouthful here.

But if we fatten them up over the next few months, then we'll have some juicy, fat chickens.

A few months? But who's going to take care of them?

-Well, take a guess. -What, me?

Absolutely not! It's your idea, you take care of them!

(TUTTING) What's the matter, you can't keep them in line, by scaring them occasionally?

-Of course, I can! -Well, prove it then!

-(CHICKS HUMMING) -Well, not right now.

I wouldn't want to traumatize them. Later.

WOLF: Ha. Of course, you will.

I'll be back in the autumn and we'll see then, if you've finally become a big, bad fox.

(MIMICS WOLF) "If you've become a big, bad fox."

Ugh, stop that!

(YAWNS)

You've played, you've eaten, you've played, now go to bed.

-ALL: Story, story, story, st-- -A story?

What and you want me to tuck you in as well, eh?

(ALL SOBBING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay! Calm down! Let me see, um...

Once upon a time... there were three chicks who didn't want to go to bed.

Their mother kept telling them, "If you make any noise, the big, bad fox will come and eat you."

But the chicks didn't listen and continued making noise.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

So, the big, bad fox heard them.

He swallowed the first! He crunched the second!

And he devoured the third!

And ever since then... no one would dare annoy that big, bad fox ever again.

Ah, I'd like to see the wolf be that scary, Ha.

(CHICKS WHIMPERING)

-Now what? -We're afraid that the big bad fox is coming!

I don't care! You get back there and go to sleep.

ALL: No.

We want to sleep with our mummy!

-I am not your mummy! -ALEX: 'Night, Mummy.

-PAULA: Good night, Mummy. -(FOX GROANS)

Here's some good news for you, at last.

-Oh, you found the fox then? -Your eggs.

Ah, my eggs. You did it. Well done. Where were they?

Uh, under the, oh-- Um, uh, well, I forgot.

All's well that ends well!

Hmm? These are not my eggs.

Well, of course, they are.

You took these out of the refrigerator.

-That's really not my style. -Oh, indeed?

When did I start producing eggs with a sell-by date on them?

Hmm? Yeah, funny.

DOG: No, seriously it was funny, look because, time plus missing eggs equals-- (GROANS)

-(CLATTERING) -Get off-- Ow!

-Mummy? Mummy? -You there?

There is no more mummy here!

You must quake before the big, bad fox. Whoa! Woah!

I shall swallow the first one, I shall crunch the second one.

(RUSTLING)

Eh, and I will devour the third one.

ALL: Hurray! Hurray! Yay! Hurray! Hurray! Yay!

Do it again for us, Mummy! Will you?

(GROWLS) I am the big, bad fox! (GROWLS)

My turn, my turn, I want to try!

-Mummy? -What?

-Please, can we play tea party? -Tea party? Are you insane?

(WAILS)

My, what a beautiful day! Care for a little more tea, would you, my dear, Lady Victoria?

-(GRUNTS) -Madame, you are holding your cup upside down.

-(GRUNTS) -That's much better...

-EVAN: Mummy, Mummy, Mummy. -ALEX: Help!

-(BOTH SCREAMING) -The big, bad fox!

-We saw the big, bad fox! -We saw the big, bad fox!

No, that's impossible. You can't have.

EVAN: We did. He's right there.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hello, my friend.

Oh, you mean that. That's not the big, bad fox.

That's a wolf! No need to be afraid of him.

-He's not scary at all. -But he--

-but he looks quite mean. -This guy, mean?

-Hey, he's a pussy cat, right. -Now, I'm the ferocious one.

Watch and learn. I'll smash him to bits.

Uh, could we have a bit of a chat?

I'm not lowering myself to your level.

Oh, please!

You fight me and I lose to you? That would ruin my reputation.

But if you agree to do it, they'll believe I'm the big, bad fox!

And why should I do this for you?

Tell me that?

Um... because you're my friend?

Hmm?

Hmm.

PAULA: Can you see mummy?

EVAN: No, can you?

ALEX: Look over there! It's the big bad fox.

Growl, growl! Oh, I am the biggest, baddest fox

-in the forest! -Ah-ha! You Liar!

I--

-I am the big, bad fox! -CHICKS: Mummy!

You have met your match, you scoundrel. Ha!

Take that, you cad!

-Wow! -You lout! (CHUCKLES)

-You will kneel before me! -Don't touch.

-Oh, sorry. -Mummy's amazing.

Get out! And don't you dare come back!

-(GROWLS) -(CHUCKLES) Too much?

(GROWLS)

(GROWLS)

So, you are the real big, bad fox.

-Oh yes, I am! -So, that means... we are all big, bad foxes like mummy!

Huh?

(SCOFFS) What do you know! We are the children of the big, bad fox. Yeah, we are sly and quick

-and roar like this! -What? No.

-You are just chicks! -No, we eat chicks.

-We crunch them! -Now you listen, all of you.

-I am terrifying! -No, you're our mummy.

-We'll never be scared of you. -That's it. I've had enough.

I don't want to see you anymore.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

-PAULA: Mummy? -(GRUMBLES)

We got you these.

Flowers? And what's a big, bad fox to do with them?

-Uh? We-- -Nothing!

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(SIGHS)

Hmm.

-Hmm? -(CHICKS SIGH)

Mummy? You're the best.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING)

Hello? Hmm?

-I have a request. -Oh, yeah. Request.

You're here about the fox, right? Yeah?

No, not that.

I'd like you to sign this approval for my club.

-What sort of club? -Our Exterminate the Fox Club.

You're useless at defending us, so we're going to teach ourselves how to get rid of the little pest.

Okay, you want me to sign this and you'll take care of the fox yourselves?

-Exactly. -I support you 100 percent!

I always believed self defense was the way of the future!

-(SIGHS) -(THUDDING)

CHICKEN: Ladies and other ladies, welcome to The Dog Is Rubbish, So We'll Do It Ourselves event.

What are you doing up there?

What does it look like, having a meeting.

Take your meeting elsewhere, why don't you?

You have just given us an authorization. Look, it's written right here, article three, paragraph four, "You may use the dog kennel as the venue for the club."

So, first item on today's agenda, we have resolved to make a list of all the faults of the incompetent guard dog. Now then, ladies, -who would like to start? -CHICKEN 2: He's lazy.

-CHICKEN: Yes. -CHICKEN 3: He's incompetent.

-CHICKEN 4: Hmm, he's an idiot. -CHICKEN 5: He's a total mess.

CHICKEN 6: Never does anything at the farm.

(CHICKENS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

-ALEX: I'm the biggest bad fox! -No, you are not! I am.

-Yeah, right hardly. -I am!

(CHUCKLES) I may be little but I can out fox you all!

-(GROWLS) -No way!

Children, dinner time.

-Not turnip again? -But foxes don't eat turnips.

-They eat chicks! -Oh yeah, well you'll eat chicks when chickens start flying.

-Will that be soon? -No, later.

-We want chicks sooner than now! -(GRUNTS) There you go.

Big, fat, juicy chick.

That's not a chick, you must think we're stupid!

(CHUCKLES) He looks just like you.

-Not true! -You've got a turnip face!

-And you've got a bum bum face! -(SIGHS)

-ALEX: No, I look like a fox! -All of you listen.

None of you look like a fox. The only one

-that looks like a fox is... -Me!

And when I'm grown up, I will pretty just like mummy.

With pointy teeth and a beautiful coat!

(LAUGHS) That's never going to happen.

When you grow up, you're gonna be dinner--

(GULPS)

What did you say?

(STOMACH GROWLS)

Nothing. Why don't you all go outside and play.

(ALL CHEERING)

ALEX: Go away you big, fat hairball.

(SIGHS) Something else to deal with.

Out of our way or I will break your nose.

Ah! Leave Mr. Wolf alone, children.

Wolves are big, fat, stupid wimpy wimps.

Off you go!

-Hey, nice to see ya! -And who's a wimpy wimp?

Oh, you know kids.

They don't really mean it, do they?

(CHICKS SINGING) ¶ Wimpy wimp. Smelly wimp ¶

¶ Smelly wolfy, wimpy wimp. ¶ You and I should have supper sooner than later, mon ami.

Not now, wait! (GROANS)

You said, we'd eat when they were fat and juicy!

-They look fat and juicy now. -But-- but-- we can't eat them!

-WOLF: And why not? -Because...

-Because what, hmm? -They're ill, that's why.

Really? They look healthy enough to me.

But Mummy, I feel completely fine.

(WHIMPERS)

I don't feel so well. (BARFS)

Ah, you see. Come back tomorrow. They'll be better. (HUMS)

(GROWLS)

Quickly, in the basket. Come on. (WHIMPERS)

(PANTS, WHIMPERS)

Oh, you're leaving? I thought they were ill.

Yup, just giving them some fresh air. (CHUCKLES)

In that case, I'll come along with you.

That was a nice, little walk. (CHUCKLES)

-Right, see ya. -What's going on mummy?

Is Mr. Wolf bothering you? Come on, let's eat him.

No! No one's eating anyone! Right, help me dig.

We're far enough. That's great kids.

He's not here. We're safe. Hmm?

Wait a second. Are you trying to trick your dear friend?

-I hope not. -Me? Wouldn't dream of it.

-No, wait! Wait! -I've run out of patience.

(GRUNTS)

Ugh.

Huh? (SCREAMS)

-(FOX PANTING) -(WOLF HOWLS)

EVAN: What was that noise, Mummy?

Mr. Wolf, he's a little bit angry.

Why? Where are we going?

To the only place he'll never look.

(FOX CLEARS THROAT)

Hmm?

-Hello. (EXHALES) And you are? -We are chickens

-and we-- -We're not chicks we are foxes.

Pay no attention to him. We seek refuge and a safe haven.

I'm afraid you're out of luck. There are no openings here.

Oh no, help us, please-- I mean... (CLEARS THROAT)

The wolf will do anything to eat us. Oh, Please!

Okay, don't cry now. I'll go and see what I can rustle up.

But I don't want to hear about it if you're cramped.

Oh, thank you-- I mean, thank you!

At least no one here wants me dead.

-Your chicks are lovely. -We are not chicks.

Oh.

You know, I had three little ones, they'd be about the same age as yours.

But that stupid fox took them away!

(CHICKEN CLOCK CLUCKING)

-(GASPS) -It's time.

-Time for what? -Time to go to school.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

We don't want to go to school.

Listen, it's important we don't get noticed.

I'm a chicken, and you're little chicks, so you go to school like any other chick.

But we are foxes.

That's right, and we eat chicks.

Hush, you are not foxes!

Go on, shoo!

And don't eat your schoolmates.

Oh, are you the new pupils?

Don't be afraid to answer, I won't eat you.

(GROWLING)

New girl, I have something to show you.

Are you ready?

ALL: Ready.

CHICKEN: This is our self defense fox extermination club.

We teach all of our chickens to defend themselves and slay any foxes who enter into the farmyard.

So, we have several different activities on offer, each one a vicious joy.

(EXPLOSION)

If you'd care to join, I can give you a 10% rebate on your membership.

Uh, yes, I'll think about it.

(CROW CAWING)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Um, wait a minute, uh, just coming.

Oh, it's you.

Mommy, we brought some food back.

Hello Madame!

FOX: Uh, what are you doing with that chick?

-Duh, we're going to eat it. -You said we could.

We're playing foxes eat chicks.

Oh, no, we are not.

Put the chick down, get in the house!

-But why? -That means now!

See you later!

FOX: How many times? We do not eat chicks.

We wanna go back in the forest.

That is just not happening.

-ALL: But why? -Because of the wolf!

Are you afraid of him?

I can't believe it, you're acting like a chicken.

You're afraid of the wolf, the woods, we're all tired of you.

Yeah, we're tired of you. We want to live with the wolf.

At least, he's not a wimp.

Go right ahead, I'm tired of you.

Live with the wolf, why don't you?

Give me some peace.

The wolf would let us eat chicks, you'll see.

Oh, he'll eat chicks, all right!

Like you!

We'd like a word with you.

It appears your chicks tried to bite several other pupils at school today.

And they tried to eat my little Michelle.

I don't mind.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

They keep saying it's cool to be a fox.

And they're threatening to eat all the chicks on the farm.

-Hear, hear! -Get out!

-Get them out! -They need to be expelled.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ladies, let's not be violent towards our own kind, please.

It's the fox that's the threat.

(FOX YELPS)

(THUD)

It was you all along. You took them!

What have you done with them?

Tell me!

My-- my-- my... chicks.

Where are you? Children?

Where are they? Where did you hide them?

What? The coop, where else?

Liar! They're not there.

What? Well, that's impossible, I just spoke to them.

They're grounded in the coop because they wanted to see the...

To see the what? The what?

-Mr. Wolf! -Mr. Wolf?

-Hello? -Mr. Wolf?

Where are you, Mr. Wolf?

-Hello? -Mr. Wolf?

-Ah, Mr. Wolf. -We'd like to change mommy.

Our old mommy has chickened out, would you like to take care of us?

It would be my pleasure, little ones.

FOX: No, don't do that, no, don't do it, please.

You better tell me now.

I know it sounds mad, but they've gone to see the wolf.

And I'd be mad to believe that?

Oi.

What if he is telling the truth.

If he wanted to eat them before now, he could've done so.

Let's face it, he probably knows where your chicks are.

You and I can put this whole thing behind us.

-Don't you think it's worth it? -Sorry to interrupt.

-Could you just-- -Oh, be quiet!

I'm trying to save your life here.

-(EXPLOSION) -(FOX SCREAMS)

Oh, well, I tried.

EVAN: You know, Mr. Wolf, we know of a place that's full of chicks and chickens.

Let's all go there and gobble them up!

Oh, yes, I'd love to do that.

But before we go, I have something important to do.

And what would that be?

Enjoy a starter.

-(FOX'S SCREAMING APPROACHES) -Hmm?

-Mommy? -Mommy?

Hmm? Children, shoo, shoo. Go, hurry!

Before the wolf catches you!

-Mommy, help! -Mommy!

Give them back!

(GROWLS)

Don't touch my kids!

They are not your children!

You stole them from the chicken to eat them, remember?

But no! You seem to have gone all vegetarian on me.

Look how pathetic the big bad fox is.

He's incapable of eating you, and even less able to save you.

-Mommy? -Ugh, say au revoir to mommy.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

Run away, kids! run!

Leave them alone!

Enough! I'm done with you! This is the end!

-You and your own chicks-- -CHICKEN: I say, you there.

Are you the one who's been trying to eat my chicks?

Chicken. Chicken everywhere.

-Bon appetit! -Oh, good.

I'll ask again.

Are you the one who's been trying to eat my children?

Oui c'est moi.

And I'm gonna skip that starter and go for the main course, instead.

Yeah, I wouldn't get them mad, if I were you.

Children, step aside.

Mommy's going to deal with this gentleman.

Huh?

Let's go, girls!

Okay, well, I'm off.

And attack!

The pecking technique!

Let's rumble!

WOLF: Why would you ladies...

-Wow! -WOLF: ...do this?

(GRUNTING)

Please have mercy.

Come on, girls!

Kick this twerp as far as possible.

Children?

Children!

We're over here.

CHICKEN: I'm so happy we're together again.

So, you're our real mommy?

Of course, I am. I've always been your mommy.

You're still here, are you?

Well, you know, I wanna say goodbye.

Out of the question, go away.

Bye-bye, children.

(SNIFFS)

(PANTING)

Can't we work something out?

Yes, I'm sure we can work something out.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(ROARS)

(GRUNTS)

Is that okay?

Excellent.

The grip was firm, but the throw lacked a little power.

Take notes, grip both legs firmly and pivot while stepping back to flatten me properly on the ground.

When in doubt, pull the fox firmly by the ears.

The easiest, of course, is to grab the tail straight away and pull hard four times.

-(BELL RINGING) -Oh?

Okay, that's us finished for today.

Don't forget, bring your boxing gloves in tomorrow. Ah.

Ooh, shall we get going?

Yes, it's time.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ALL: Mommies!

-Children! -Children!

-How was school? -Great!

You didn't bite anyone?

ALL: No.

-Oh. Come on, let's play! -Wait for me.

Bring them back for dinner!

Come, let's play a game.

-What shall we do? -ALL: Wolves and chickens.

As somebody said, all's well, that ends well.

He teaches you to fend off foxes, and he gets to spend time with the kids.

Yes, let's say, I would have preferred a less amateur fox.

Well, I'm sure he'll do the job.

What sort of thing have you got him doing next then?

The fox catapult. He's testing it.

Oh, I see, it's very interesting.

He must really like those kids to do that.

I know, it's crazy. The things we'll do for love.

(FOX LAUGHS)

FOX: And now, for the closing play.

Saving Christmas!

Hello mom!

You're supposed to be backstage.

Moving swiftly onwards, Saving--

Hello, everybody! Did you like the play?

Michelle, don't bother the audience now.

They want to eat me, but not really.

It's a play!

Uh, who is looking after Michelle?

Uh, I can take her for you.

No. No, no, no, no.

Uh, I wouldn't wanna bother you at all.

It's really no trouble.

Ooh, uh, thanks, but, um, oh, look at that, she's gone.

(CHUCKLES)

You can always call me if you change your mind.

Happy to help.

-Hello! Hello! -Yes, you got it.

I'll call you first.

Ladies, gentlemen, our last offering, Saving Christmas.

(YAWNS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Wow.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Ow!

(BELLS RINGING)

Hmm?

(SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS")

La la la la la la

La, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la Happy Christmas!

Christmas. Right, that's tomorrow.

But tonight, TOGETHER: Father Christmas is coming!

-Yeah! -Yahoo!

Can you imagine?

Hurray!

Yup, yup, that's great.

Um, what if you guys started on a snowman, in the meantime, huh?

-A snowman! -A snowman?

BOTH: Yes!

(LAUGHS)

Ah, they'll never grow up.

Good, you've got the Christmas decorations, I need something flashy.

D'you know, they still believe in Father Christmas.

Do you mean the idiots on the roof of your shed?

What are you doing? Stop!

We're collecting snow for the snowman.

What? From off my roof?

Yeah, but no one stepped on it, so this snow is really clean.

Get down now, it's dangerous.

RABBIT: Oh, okay. Sorry.

Can you help me get down, please?

Ready?

(GRUNTS)

Saw that coming.

I don't believe this.

It's not my fault.

Look around you, there's snow everywhere!

Yeah, but it's less clean.

What do we need?

We've got snow, we need arms, and a nose.

How about the TV aerial for the arms.

-Oh, yeah. -Stop!

Tree branches will be perfect for your snowman.

DUCK: Yeah, you always got the best ideas.

Why do you waste your time with those two idiots?

I don't know. I just-- I just-- well-- I worry.

You should see how they cope in their own for once.

Ah, I feel like I have to protect them, you know.

You're not protecting them, you're stifling them.

They will never grow up.

-Oh, they're harmless. -(WOOD CREAKING)

(THUDS)

What and why?

Uh, we needed an arm?

Agh. Get out of here!

Get away from me before there's any more damage.

D'you need us to help?

No.

I think we did him a favor.

Yeah, his roof needed replacing anyway.

You know, he's been a bit off with us lately.

Hmm. What if, as of now, we became responsible adults.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

We should start being more mature.

Oh, yeah.

Snowman, finished!

-Even sledging? -Even sledging.

The age of wisdom is here.

Father Christmas?

Don't be so immature.

-No, he's up there, look! -DUCK: What?

Father Christmas! Don't do anything.

Quick, we need to help him.

Yeah, but like responsible adults, okay?

Hold on tight, Father Christmas.

I'll save you.

I'm here.

Do not panic!

Whoa. I got you, I've got you, safe and sound.

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

He's still smiling... a bit.

What have you done?

I think we've... killed Santa!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

Hmm?

PIG: What are you doing?

Doesn't look like a snowman.

Ooh. Uh, maybe, it does. Maybe it doesn't.

Who knows?

Are you two trying to bury something?

Us? No.

We're just moving snow like this.

Moving snow, of course you are.

-Oh. -Oh.

I know you've been up to something!

And don't think you can keep the truth hidden from me.

I'm sorry. I can't keep it to myself anymore.

We've done something bad.

We killed Father Christmas!

(LAUGHING)

It's just a decoration.

You didn't kill Father Christmas at all.

Oh, so sweet.

DUCK: Wait, wait.

We found it hard to believe as well.

Thousands of children won't get any toys.

They'll be so sad.

They'll be heartbroken.

(SOBS)

But don't worry... we have a plan.

We'll save the day and hand out toys to all the children.

We'll take his place and we'll be the ones who save Christmas.

Yes, yes.

And you can be our Father Christmas.

Yeah, we need someone porky.

Uh-hmm. Little cheeks, all pink and round.

And a happy face.

No, stop it. I am not doing it.

I have a roof to fix, remember?

I thought the outfit would suit him.

There's a part for an elf.

Fine! Be that way, I'm playing Father Christmas now, all right?

PIG: Yup, you go right ahead.

I can play the elf, I suppose.

(DUCK WHISPERING)

Hmm?

(WHISPERING)

Mm-hmm.

DOG: Oi.

Where can I find the blue tinsel?

Uh, yeah. In the shed.

Rabbit and Duck seem to be up to something.

-Don't you think we should, uh-- -No.

You know, because don't you think, um--

No, no, no.

Just to check?

Wouldn't do that, no.

Okay. Well, thanks for your help.

DOG: Don't mention it.

(GRUNTING)

There.

You still look like a duck.

DUCK: And what are you doing with that thing on your head?

It's my hat. Now, I look like an elf, don't you think?

Since when do elves wear feathered hats?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Wait a minute, I've got spares.

Ta-da!

(DUCK GRUNTS DISAPPROVINGLY)

Oh, no.

No.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

What? Oh, that's--

What, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Go-- go back, go back, go back.

No. Right before that.

There, there, perfect.

RABBIT: Right, now for the itinerary.

Starting point, the farm.

-What do I put as destination? -Put every home in the world, and tick "no tolls."

Oh, dear, that's a twelve-year, seven months, hundred twenty days, and 32-minute journey.

We're not gonna be able to do that in a single night.

Try, "nice children only."

Oh, yeah, shorter, seven years, six months, and four hours.

Nah, they always exaggerate.

Printing.

All we have to do now is build a sledge.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

Oi. Can I borrow your wrench?

I'm boosting the lawn mower's power.

Yeah, go ahead.

Just bring it back when you're finished.

Lawn mower.

Lawn mower?

Hey, there, Pig.

You wouldn't have any of that purple tinsel, would you?

Did you hear what he just said?

They're doing something reckless.

Leave them alone.

Now, let's talk about purple tinsel.

Let's talk about what? This is important!

What, like my tinsel isn't important?

Leave them be, will you?

But aren't you worried?

We're talking about a lawn mower.

Worrying is in you.

The solution is in them.

-You believe that? -Absolutely.

-Do nothing? -That's right.

-Let them grow. -Like leg hair.

I'll help meself to that purple tinsel.

RABBIT: There we are.

Our sledge is beautiful.

Yup, and we don't even need a reindeer.

(ENGINE TURNING OVER)

Shouldn't we do something?

This could get out of control.

No, no.

-RABBIT: It looks broken. -DUCK: Wait, I'll fix it.

Ah, just tighten that. Try now.

(ENGINE TURNING OVER)

-It's getting really dangerous. -Stay out of it, they're learning.

RABBIT: What if we put some petrol in?

-So, d'you think it's full? -I don't know, it's too dark.

DUCK: Hang on, I've got some matches.

Ah! Oh, I don't believe this. I don't believe it.

Wait, wait, wait, stop! No, give me the cap, let go, put the matches down.

-(EXPLOSION) -(PIG SCREAMS)

(THUDS)

And my tinsel?

(LAWN MOWER ENGINE REVVING)

Hmm?

Hmm?

(LAUGHS)

(PIG SCREAMS)

DOG: Hey.

(LAWN MOWER ENGINE REVVING)

(YELLING)

(BELL TOLLING)

(GRANDMA HUMMING)

(LAWN MOWER REVVING)

(CRASH)

(CAR APPROACHING)

Huh?

Hmm?

Why is it that everything you do turns into a disaster?

Don't worry, I've got this under control.

I'll talk to the man.

DUCK: Oh, good to see you.

Uh, listen here, there's been a little confusion.

Uh, uh, no, no, wait.

Let me explain.

No, you're making a huge mistake.

Do you know who I am?

I order you to open this door at once.

Uh, oh. You know, please?

Look at that.

Someone's delivered our Christmas dinner.

Bon appetit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! You can't do that.

-Really? Why is that? -Um... because I'm Father Christmas.

Yes, sir, and if you eat me, uh-uh, there'd be no presents for children tonight.

(LAUGHS)

-Ah! -No!

Daddy, I want my toys. Don't eat Father Christmas.

(LAUGHS) Sweetheart, he's not the real Father Christmas, -is he? -He is.

He has a red hat and a fluffy white beard.

So, it's a true word spoken by a child.

(SIGHS) What about the rabbit, can we eat him?

He's really more of an elf and I need him to help me deliver all the toys.

-You can't eat an elf. -The pig, what about him?

-He ain't doing nothing-- -Hmm, that's a good point.

Uh, not at all. I'm very useful.

Ooh, uh, I pull the sledge, you know.

Leave it out.

Ain't that the reindeers who do the pulling?

Yes, but the recession, so reindeer... pfft... are too dear.

Oh, uh, pigs, on the other hand, not at all.

You can't eat the pig, he's replaced all the reindeer.

Don't eat the pig, please?

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

-Oh. -(SIGHS)

All right.

(SIGHS)

Right. Glad that's settled.

So, would you help us get out then?

Hmm? Children need their toys.

(LAUGHTER)

Listen, sunshine, if we knew how to get out of here, we'd be long gone.

I have an idea.

You can fly over the fence, yes, and then get the keys to the door.

-Fly? Fly away? -You're the one pulling Father Christmas's sledge, right?

-(LAUGHS) -(GASPS) So, fly!

Or you serve no purpose and we're gonna eat you.

Fly, uh, yes, but I can't do it without the sledge.

-You can. -(PIG SCREAMS)

Watch, daddy. Watch him fly.

Oh, yeah. Well, he was.

-(CRASH) -Oh, dear.

He found Fat Danny's cage.

Oh, now, he gets to eat him instead of us.

PIG: Nice, doggy, nice, dog, yeah, hello.

(PIG GRUNTS)

-(FAT DANNY BARKS) -(PIG SCREAMS)

He's flying again.

-Yay! -Yeah, so is Fat Danny.

Uh, they're coming towards us.

-(PANTING) -(FAT DANNY BARKING)

Open the door.

(THUDS)

Oh, you managed to open the door.

Right. Freedom.

And with it, a chance to save Christmas, -Who's with me? -Me, me, me.

(GROANS) Oh, no.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. -Sure.

Of course, love.

We're gonna save Christmas.

And you will find warmth in your hearts as we get presents for the little children.

Yeah.

I'll get a sledge.

Yeah.

-One sledge-a-roo. -Yeah.

Come on, come on, let's go, daddy.

Think of us as extra elves.

Right, you lot. Let's go!


(CAT MEOWS)

(ALARM BLARING)

(RAT SQUEAKING)

I really can't believe we're doing this.

Are you not gonna look for presents because if not, I can think of a way you can help.

Ooh, what a lovely gift.

Someone's gonna be lucky this year.

DUCK: What wonderful stuff.

It's beautiful.

Oh, there'll never be a better Christmas.

There you are. The sledge is ready to go.

Let's get you hitched up to fly.

Please, don't be stupid.

-We gotta get back to the farm -But what about the kids?

-Father Christmas? -Don't start that again.

Father Christmas doesn't exist. It's a bunch of stupid stories we tell kids like you!

Hmm.

Daddy, -is the pig telling the truth? -Let's get a move on.

We've got presents to deliver. It's Christmas.

The sledge isn't gonna fly by itself.

(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTING)

Thank you. Thanks for everything, friends.

Thanks to you, we saved Christmas.

Awesome. Well done.

Feel the love.

-Bravo. -Happy Christmas.

-Bravo. -Bravo.

Have a-- have a great Christmas. Love you.

Have a great Christmas.

-Have a great Christmas. -Have a great Christmas.

(SCREAMING)

RABBIT: Woo-hoo.

All right. Now, he's flying.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

SUZANNE: Darling, you look lovely in that outfit.

Oh, it's rather hot in here.

Thank goodness, we only do this once a year.

(GIGGLES)

Here, your hat.

The children are so excited.

It can't be just one Santa, that's silly.

-No, there's only one. -I don't believe that.

He couldn't deliver all those presents all by himself in one night.

I mean, there must be at least five.

No, there's only one, and he's a superhero.

-Maybe, but still. -If only we could ask him.

SUZANNE: Children, guess who's just arrived!

Right, we got the presents, chimney, -the kids are waiting for us. -I can't believe you.

Are you really going down there?

Oh, well let's just get the kids to come up here then.

They'll get their pajamas dirty.

But what if the chimney is blocked, -you'll get stuck. -Hmm, good point.

If only we had a guinea pig to test it.

-Huh? -Hey, what about a real pig?

Knock three times when the coast is clear, and we'll be right there, got it?

-Fire. -(PIG SCREAMS)

Hello and ho, ho, ho.

Uh...

Oh, dear.

Go, fetch me the broom, Suzanne.

Help, help, you guys.

Help!

That's the signal, the coast is clear.

Hut.

Hello, children.

You wait until I get my hands on you. You.

Come back.

You see that? There is more than one.

-I told you so. -Hmm, yeah, -but what about the pig? -Pulls the sledge, I don't know.

But a reindeer pulls the sledge usually.

Yeah, but pigs are less expensive.

Huh?

(GRUNTING)

What's going on?

Oh!

MAN: Got you.

(SCREAMS)

MAN: Clear off!

(SCREAMS)

(DOG BARKING)

I say, uh, that wasn't too bad for our first time.

Phew! Let's go.

Oh, no. Enough.

We stop this now, we are not delivering any more presents.

-Father Christmas. -There is no Father Christmas!

Yes, there is, and he's up there, look.

He's in danger.

Quick, we have to help him.

Yeah, but like responsible adults?

RABBIT: Father Christmas! Father Christmas.

We've been through all of this before.

Oh, wait, that's really not him.

No, it isn't.

Yes, and they're all just copies.

We killed the real one this morning.

-Uh, actually, it was more you. -It wasn't me, it was gravity, he got the attracted to the ground.

-you know, physics. -Stop!

You didn't kill anyone, it was a plastic Father Christmas

-just like that one. -Are they plastic as well?

What on earth?

FATHER CHRISTMAS: Hey, you there?

Help. I can't hold on much longer.

-So, plastic, eh? -Hold on tight, Mr. Christmas.

I am coming.

Almost.

Got you.

(GASPS)

RABBIT: Don't panic.

It's all under control.

(GRUNTS) Oh.

There you are.

Ooh, that was close.

I don't understand what happened, I was on this rooftop when there was this all mighty crash, and you know what, it looked like a, uh... supermarket trolley.

A trolley on the roof, I have too much imagination.

Can't thank you enough, my friends.

I'm not sure what you're doing here, but... you saved my life.

And what's more, you all saved Christmas.

Gosh, is that the time, eh? I still have to finish my round.

Let's go.

-Children are waiting. -Excuse me.

Are you really Father Christmas?

Well, of course.

Who do you think I am?

Uh, no, no, no. Uh, it's--

I thought you'd be a bit more, you know, uh... yeah. Well...

Yeah, you know.

Well, I have to get in and out of chimneys, you know.

So, can I drop you off somewhere?

(GASPS)

PIG: Tell me.

Are reindeers expensive?

FATHER CHRISTMAS: Well, actually, yes.

We have to reshoe them all the time, even though their feet never touch the ground.

RABBIT: Interesting. Can I drive?

FATHER CHRISTMAS: Oh, oh, oh.

Why don't you look at the view instead, it's rather pretty, don't you think?

RABBIT: Oh, yeah, it's pretty.

(YAWNS)

Wow!

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

(PLAYING FLUTE)

-Merry Christmas! -And to you as well.

What's with all the presents?

Father Christmas bought them.

So you believe the fat-bloke-elves

-nonsense then? -Well, you know me.

DUCK: Father Christmas gave me an inflatable ring.

And I got a carrot peeler. Got a carrot?

-Anyone got a carrot? -Oh, dear, those crazy kids.

Well, you know, as long as everyone's happy.

Phew.

(THUDS)

All right.

FOX: Well, we hope you've had a good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and please join us soon for some totally new adventures.

On behalf of all of us... good night.

(LAUGHS)

FOX: Shall we go for a drink and celebrate?

-RABBIT: Oh, yeah. Why not? -CHICKEN: I fancy a pint.

PIG: Not me. I'm going home. Don't wanna miss the last trai.

DUCK: Well, don't be a spoil sport.

-RABBIT: We'll drop you home. -DUCK: Yeah, we got the tractor

-RABBIT: And I'm driving. -PIG: Yeah, uh, no, I'm fine.

No, no, no, it's fine. But thank you. Okay, bye.

Huh?

-The audience is still here. -DUCK: What are they doing?

Oh, the curtain call.

We forgot the curtain call.

FOX: Everybody on stage now.

Come on.

Michelle, kids.

Is everybody ready?

Okay. And go.

(¶¶¶¶¶)


(VACUUM MACHINE WHIRRING)


(HUMMING)

(SWITCH CLICKS)