Look, her first high-end retail shopping experience.
Her nanny tried to take her to Baby Gap... but she'd just cry and cry.
She was a professional shopper at age three.
Remember when she was on the cover of "Seventeen"?
She had so much potential back then.
Look at her. She could have been a Playmate by now.
Hello! She's a lawyer.
That's way better. Why?
There she is!
You always said she has the perfect shaped head... for a tiara!
Look at that slime dog!
It was so nice of you to make this for Elle's wedding shower.
I can't scrapbook worth a damn.
I took a class on it at community college.
She got a "B." Plus!
The day she passed her LSAT!
I swallowed some of that Silly String.
It wouldn't be the first time.
Look at that. Her first day at Harvard.
The Bend and Snap!
I love that. I did it last night naked.
You did not. Yes. I busted a window.
Oh, my God, there's Bruiser's first highlights.
Is this the key to her first office at the firm?
Remember that Caribbean decor? It was genius.
Look, there she is with Congresswoman Rudd... when they started the Harvard alumni women's event.
Yeah. That's two kick-ass women.
I like them. I really like them.
The first day they met! Emmett loves her already.
You can see it in his eyes.
Emmett and Elle.
They're truly Romeo and Juliet without the dying.
Oh, my God! Girls, I think it's her.
Quick! Lights out! OK!
I thought we were supposed to be at the movies by 9:00.
We got her!
Oh, my God! Margot, Serena, I cannot believe... you guys flew all the way here!
No biggie. On the contrary.
It's a huge biggie. Thank you.
You guys are the best.
Speaking of biggies, can we see your ring again?
Not your Delta Nu ring, Elle.
You mean, this one?
Clarity between F.L. And V.V.S. Nice girdle diameter.
Cut impeccable. It's a keeper.
Oh, my gosh, it's from Emmett!
That's me and Emmett on Fenway baseball field.
It's his favorite place in the whole world.
I love snow globes.
I can hear the ocean.
Listen, honey, you're a full-time bride now... so you'll need a whole new wardrobe.
I'm not quitting my job, you guys.
Do you guys remember that feeling we used to get... during a really intense Spinning class?
That we feel so truly amazing about ourselves?
That's how I feel being a lawyer. I love it.
I have this huge annual review coming up... so keep 'em crossed, girls.
Congratulations, you did it.
With three wrong answers, you've managed to undermine... the entire foundation upon which our legal system's built.
And by the way... it only took me two wrong answers.
Sweetie, you customized my ring? Again?
Emmett, you are never going to believe my news!
What? Fenway Park!
You, me, two rings, and one recently ordained umpire... right on the entry field!
Infield. What are you talking about?
It turns out the starting pitcher for the Red Sox... has an unfortunate unibrow problem.
He goes to Nadia, my waxer... so the team pulled some strings with the site manager... and we're getting married at Fenway!
Are you serious?
Are you sure this is what you want to do?
I can married anywhere and it wouldn't matter.
That's a lie.
I'm getting married under the Green Monster!
And in just three months and four days!
Emmett, we have so much to talk about.
I want everybody who matters to us to be there.
Oh, my God! I almost forgot!
You want me to what?
You want me to what?
A biological birth parent search.
For your dog.
For my Chihuahua-American Bruiser Woods.
I found him abandoned years ago.
Miss, I'm the highest-paid, most sought after... private investigator in the greater Boston area.
That's precisely why we came to you, Detective.
It is absolutely vital that we find Bruiser's mother pronto.
His father might be more difficult. You know dogs.
May I ask why?
Of course. "Martha Stewart Weddings"... recommends a 4 to 6-week window for RSVPs... and I can't send the invitation without an address.
And the sooner I get started on the calligraphy the better.
You want to send an invitation to your wedding... to your dog's mother. And you're serious?
Detective, if I have to make room... for my second cousin's vegan diet coach... you better believe I'll make room for the mother... of the one loving creature who's always been there for me.
In fact, I can't believe I haven't done this sooner!
I'm thinking the same thing.
Elle! Hi, Mr. Blaine.
The client is thrilled. Good!
How you seamlessly negotiated that deal?
It was simply magnifique. Thank you.
Big staff meeting today, kiddo.
All right. I got my fingers crossed.
Milton, two shots, extra foam.
Wow. Thanks, E.W. No problem!
Go get 'em today. Thanks.
Soy for you, honey. No dairy.
That's right. Thank you. Your call list is endless.
It is? We better get right on it.
Kevin, you shouldn't have!
I'm not sure they're giving me the promotion today.
It's just a widespread yet credible rumor.
It's from me and the girls.
Now do me.
I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Me, too! You do?
I had no idea I could be this happy... without accruing credit card debt.
Well, Miss Woods, even the weird ones get cracked.
You ready? Yes!
Bruiser Woods... meet your mom.
Bruiser... your cheekbones.
And it's all in there.
Good luck finding whatever it is you're looking for.
Oh, my God! She's a Bostonian!
Bruiser, we're here!
As your adoptive mother, I'm sure you're nervous... about meeting your birth mother... but hear her out, OK? I'm sure she had her reasons.
Bruiser, your mother lives at... the top secret Versace think-tank!
I told you they had one!
Unless you have a pass, you cannot go up there.
Lucky I always keep it on me.
Hold on. It's right here.
There you go.
What is it?
It's my double platinum V.V.I.P. Versace...
Preferred Customer identification card.
Available only to those that've shopped on five continents.
If that fails to satisfy you, you can also contact...
Billy Dailey, head of customer relations.
You got the wrong VERSACE, lady.
Really? Donatella's not here?
Bruiser, where are you going?
Get back here!
Where are you going?
Bruiser, I didn't know you were so athletic.
What is it?
Oh, my God!
You, come here!
Come on! Open this door immediately!
What are you doing here?
You have my dog's mom, and I need her right now!
Absolutely not. I'm not authorized to release... any subjects from their containment units.
I'm not even allowed to have a key.
Swallow the thing one time, and all of a sudden... you're the weird key swallower who can't be trusted.
I don't think you're understanding me.
I'm willing to pay for her.
These animals aren't for sale, ma'am.
They're the legal property of this facility.
What kind of facility is this?
Mr. Livermore, I'm so sorry!
Elle, this VERSACE is a cosmetic testing facility.
Oh, no! Bruiser's mom's a test subject.
I want her out of there immediately.
Animal test subjects can only be surrendered... on a voluntary basis, and they're not volunteering.
After I get through with them, they'll be begging.
And I'm not just taking Bruiser's mom.
I'll bust all those dogs out of that doggie dungeon.
"Research Science and Critter Exploitation"?
This VERSACE's owned by the C'est Magnifique Corporation!
Our law firm represents C'est Magnifique.
We can tell them to fix this.
I can't wait to take this to the partners.
But how are you going to convince them?
Abandoned at birth, I was on my own at an early age... fighting for survival on the streets of Beverly Hills... making his way down the boulevard of broken dreams, turning tricks at Hollywood and Vine... yet even when I found a loving mother...
I couldn't shake this nagging emptiness in my heart.
It was like a void. When I looked in the mirror... who was it that was looking back at me?
This is Bruiser's question.
And in a way, aren't we all Bruisers?
I think yes. Thank you.
Ms. Woods, this is a law firm... not an animal rights advocacy group.
We're lawyers. We have to fight for justice.
And this is definitely unjust.
In this case, the cost of beauty is way too high.
I can't believe I said that, but it's true.
What we fight for... is our clients and their best interests.
But isn't doing the right thing in everybody's best interest?
I think you're confusing the right thing and the law.
You didn't think they were the same, did you?
Why don't we get back to business... and discuss your very bright future?
Pardon me, I don't mean to interrupt... but I just... What you're saying is... if C'est Magnifique follows the letter of the law... even if it ends up hurting living beings... we're just doing our job?
I'm sorry, Mr. Blaine...
I don't think I can work with people who believe that.
You know what? You're right.
Thank you, Mr. Blaine.
You shouldn't have to work with people who believe that.
Absolutely. I knew you would understand.
You're fired, Elle.
We only have room for serious lawyers here.
Take the rest of the day to clear out your things.
But the secretarial pool already gave me a balloon.
Keep the balloon, if you wish.
Please, Emmett, just go away.
Why don't you come on out, sweetie?
I know Bruiser doesn't blame you.
But I'm all he has to speak for him in this world... and I have completely failed him.
You know what I thought the first time I saw you?
"God, that woman wears a lot of pink"?
No. I thought...
"That woman is really special."
"She believes she can make a difference and she will."
So... come on out and let's talk about it.
We could go over some wedding details.
How about that? It revolves.
And it illuminates.
It's even got the Red Sox colors.
That's fantastic, honey!
Speaking of red socks... you're not getting cold feet, are you?
How's it going to look? A Harvard law professor... married to a lawyer who got fired from her first job.
Fired for something she believes in.
It's going to look like...
"There goes the luckiest guy in the whole world."
The material keeps falling apart.
Amy, is something wrong?
You can't do a scallop trim on the outer hoop skirt.
The material's too delicate. It'll just fall apart.
But in two out of three home tests it held.
I am so sorry, Elle.
No biggie. I guess I don't need... a scallop trim on the outer hoop skirt.
I'll be fine.
What is it that you said back when I couldn't... fit into my white spandex pantsuit for my wedding?
If the fabric doesn't work with you... don't work with it.
It's one of my favorite mantras.
That is so true, and I know the most perfect organza!
Or something really classy like... like white leather!
I'll call the guy that did my car seats.
Wait... that's it.
Don't fight the fabric. Change it.
OK, but white leather?
If the law is what's keeping Bruiser's mother locked up...
I shouldn't be fighting it, I should be changing it.
Everybody, I'm going to make... animal testing for cosmetics illegal!
I know that making a dog wear mascara and blush is wrong...
This isn't just about Bruiser's mom anymore... this is about the fact that every day... that I put on my Gold Goddess luminescent blush... some poor little innocent animal might be suffering for it.
You don't realize how horrible something is... until it happens to you personally.
And if I want to give a voice to Bruiser...
I have to go to the place that gave a voice to the people!
Oh, my God! The headquarters of "Cosmopolitan" magazine!
I'm going to Washington!
D.C., here I come!
If anybody can handle this, it's you, honey.
I got a call from the Delta Nu 24-hour housing hotline.
Your apartment's all set.
Oh, my God! You look like the Fourth of July!
Makes me want a hot dog real bad.
Yeah, OK. You got to get going, honey.
Elle, look at this. What's that?
According to "Animal Fair" magazine... your new boss is the best groomed woman in Washington.
Her beagle's name is Dolly Madison... which is my grandma's stripper name.
Isn't that a good sign?
Oh, my gosh. A job with a brilliant congresswoman... who's also a fellow Harvard alum.
You'll do great, Elle. It's destiny.
But isn't planning the wedding of the century... and changing the law kind of hard?
Paulette, I taught Bruiser how to shop online.
I think I can handle Congress.
Home sweet home. You ready?
Welcome to the Wellington, ma'am.
It's a thrill to be here!
Time to legislate!
Too perfect for words!
Good morning, fellow public servants.
It's my first day.
Huh? Thank you.
Last item on our agenda... Elle Woods.
Personal Rudd hire, taking up a bill... on animal testing in the cosmetic industry.
I'm sorry, Rudd's backing that?
Matter of conscience, whatever.
Who knows? Maybe it'll boost our female demographic.
The point is we're animal lovers now.
If this is so important to Rudd, shouldn't I be handling it?
No, Timothy, not when we have a woman... who according to Rudd, is one of the shrewdest... legal and political minds of our time.
I don't think I've been this excited... since Gucci became a publicly traded company.
Oh, my God, it's Capitol Barbie.
She's so shiny.
So where should I start?
Excuse me, sweetie?
Intern orientation is down the hall in Room 216.
That's before 217 and after 215.
Oh, my God! That is so sweet of you!
You think I'm an intern?
That anti-wrinkle all-salmon diet really works.
Who are you?
I'm sorry... Elle Woods, welcome!
I haven't seen you since the alumni meeting!
I know! How are you? Good!
This is Elle Woods, everyone.
Basically me when I first came to D. C... so make her feel at home.
You ready to hit the ground running?
Are these not my comfortable heels?
Cute shoes. Thank you. They are comfy.
Here's Bruiser. Welcome.
Oh, you little sugar!
Back her up, people.
This is the most collaborative bunch on the Hill...
So gather them together... talk strategy as soon as you get settled in.
And, Elle? Yes?
Welcome to Washington. Thank you!
I missed the part about where my office is.
The desk. Right here.
All righty. Then I'm going to need a glue gun... some pinking shears, and five yards of grosgrain ribbon.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Well, look at you.
You can run your wedding coordinator business... during all that legislative downtime.
Don't be silly, Grace.
This is to plan my own wedding to Emmett.
See, this is us. He had this made for me.
That's him, and that's me smiling.
Maybe he'll make one of you and me.
You'll be talking and I'll be throwing up.
Speaking of nuptials, wait till I tell... the congresswoman that I was invited... to John McCain's nephew's wedding.
He's really quite a sweet kid.
Tell me something, Timothy... is it difficult for you to breathe with... your mouth flat against your employer's butt?
I don't know, Grace. Is it difficult to see... with your head in the Minority Whip's lap?
It was the distinguished gentlemen from Iowa.
His wife had recently left him and we just talked.
Right. Because if you did "visit" his district... you should've gotten some legislation out of it.
How would you even know... when you're busy chasing interns on a skateboard?
Excuse me? Who wants to talk animal testing?
Write a bill, Britney. I don't have a car!
Snap Cup time Gather ye round Friends and foes together United and bound Pass it to your neighbor Instead of blowing up And we'll find harmony and love In the Snap Cup!
Don't tell me you don't know what a Snap Cup is?
OK, I'll explain it.
You are going to write down an anonymous praise note... on a little warm fuzzy.
Yes. Compliments about your co-workers.
Just something nice.
Then you deposit them in the sacred vessel.
The Snap Cup is essential to any bipartisan environment.
Consider 1998 Spring Carnival.
The Delta Nus partnered with the Kappa Kappa Gammas... on Project Kissing Booth. Big problems.
Go ahead, write.
So, a whole heated debate transpired... over the whole tongue-no tongue policy.
I think you know what side the Kappas were on.
Anyway, it really helped us move past the conflict... and I think it can help us today.
Let's just try this, OK?
Thank you, Reena. Thank you.
Thanks for that.
Thank you, Timothy.
So now, the Snap Cup mistress... me... recites.
Good, I got mine.
"Grace always has the confidence to speak her mind.
"Plus, she looks terrific in charcoal."
And, voilà, snaps for Grace!
You see? Our first Snap Cup!
This is so exciting! I wonder what'll happen next?
All right, this is...
"What do Elle Woods and the Snap Cup have in common?"
A riddle. That's so cool.
I love riddles.
Maybe we can do something actually worthwhile... like attend the hearing of the committee... you need to crack. I'll take you myself.
Thank you, Grace. That's very generous of you.
See, I think the Snap Cup really works.
This is just like on C-SPAN except I'm not bored.
You're in the wrong room, sweetheart.
Intern orientation is in room...
216? Yes, I've heard. Thank you.
Hi, I'm Elle Woods. I'm not an intern.
Rob Cole. Me, neither.
I'm the new legislative aide to Congresswoman Rudd.
I'm an old congressman from Delaware.
I've been to Delaware! No sales tax. Good one, sir.
Committee is called to order.
Welcome to the special meeting of the...
Excuse me. Sorry.
Committee of Energy and Commerce.
Before we turn to our official agenda... are there any introductory remarks?
Grace Rossiter, chief of staff...
Representative Rudd, Massachusetts.
As our newest legislative assistant... will be spearheading a campaign under your committee...
I'm sure she'd love the floor.
Thus I yield to my colleague, the lady in hot pink.
You have the floor, lady in hot pink.
Would you care to more specifically identify yourself?
My name is Elle Woods, Boston by way of Bel Air.
And as my surname would suggest...
I am a passionate advocate for everything in nature... and a contented citizen... until my shorthaired Chihuahua, Bruiser... brought me face-to-face with the animal testing issue.
You're out of order, Miss Woods.
This is a fuel efficiency hearing.
I don't see anything in the agenda about animal testing.
Will you yield the floor?
Absolutely. I'm almost done.
So, in conclusion, I just want to say... that I am so excited about the day... that I get to march up those grand Capitol steps... and drop that very bill in the...
What's it called?
It's like a shiny, mahogany box thing?
Exactly! The hopper! How could I forget?
It's like a bunny. Perfect for animal testing.
And I want to let everybody know... that I'm having a post-hopper tapas party.
I'm making sangria. It's really yummy.
My, my, how very interesting that all sounds.
It'll be fun.
However, the next time you consider... attending a hearing over which I preside... don't!
Committee is called to order.
Welcome to the special meeting of the Committee... of Energy and Commerce. For the record... would the secretary please make note that...
Welcome to the Wellington, ma'am.
You have a package.
Inside that box are the most perfect wedding shoes ever.
Both visually stunning and cleated.
And I won't be able to wear them... since I obviously won't make the date... for Emmett's fantasy baseball wedding... given that I don't have a chance of getting... those important congresspeople to co-sponsor my bill... which I need to get a hearing to stop animal testing... in order to reunite Bruiser with his mother... in order to have them at my wedding... in which I was going to wear... the most perfect wedding shoes ever... right inside that box.
They never covered this in the handbook.
They're something, all right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Elle Woods, legislative aide... to Congresswoman Rudd, Massachusetts.
Sid Post. Doorman.
All day I've felt like white, open-toed shoes after Labor Day.
I hate that feeling.
Whatever that means.
I better get going. If I'm going to pass a law...
I have to work up some plan of attack... with the Committee of En and Ron or whatever.
Comm. What'd you say?
It's called the Committee of Energy and Commerce.
Oh, yeah. Right. Thanks.
This is really important to me, Grace.
They wouldn't cover my nana's anti-itch cream... which means she only has one free hand for bingo.
Lf I could get a hearing... Where's your bill, Reena?
The staff lawyers couldn't draft it for six weeks... but if you could talk to the congressman's aide...
I could get on the agenda.
We pushed prescription drugs last term.
I have a lot of issues that come first.
Reena, if Grace finds herself otherwise prioritized... maybe you could talk to this aide yourself.
Or better yet, directly to the congressman.
Don't you have something to alphabetize?
In fact, now that I think about it... with Reena's clear passion for the project... who better to write this bill than Reena?
It's like I always say...
Why let someone else do for you what you can do for yourself?
Except in the case of eyebrow maintenance.
We always say follow protocol.
It's worked for the past 200 years...
OK, Miss Snap Cup?
Stick it out with the lawyers. They'll get to you eventually.
This is the new congressmember roster.
Just a dollar.
Don't you believe in helping a guy out?
What I do believe in, sir... is an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.
Not rewards for idleness.
50 cents? Leave me!
Just a quarter. Go bother someone else!
People here have no common courtesy.
Want to get a hearing for your bill?
Get Congresswoman Hauser. She needs a political makeover.
Who needs a what?
Hauser. Tough redhead on En and Comm.
If she can put her name on something warm and fuzzy... something like puppies, that could do the trick.
Really? What if I showed Hauser the photos... of what they're doing to these animals?
That'd work... with someone with a heart.
Hauser responds to facts, figures, and demographics.
You gotta do your homework.
How did you learn all this?
I have been stationed on the forefront... of all major political and social scandals... for the past 30 years.
You worked in the White House?
No, at the Wellington.
After Hauser, you'll need Stanford Marks...
Alabama Republican. A real hard-ass.
Sidney, you are, without a doubt... the most useful person I've met in Washington.
Hauser's margin in the last election?
Four points. 52-48.
Hall, Ted. 34, moderate, tough.
Marks' aide? Murphy. Conservative, tougher.
I think you're ready. Thank you, Sid.
For shizzle... my ezzle.
I borrowed this.
Given the historical tendencies... of the congresswoman's voting pool... animal testing is the very issue your platform needs.
Which brings me to my demographic breakdown target.
Which brings us to the end of our time, but good stuff.
I'll bat it around with my colleagues.
I'm not done with my presentation.
Is Friday good? Absolutely.
The second one in November, and the line starts down there.
But wait! I won't be here in November.
I'm getting married.
If you insist Congressman Marks is unavailable... perhaps you could look at... my alternative testing economics incentive chart.
But it's pop-up.
I will read this homeowners legislation this weekend.
Five more minutes and I'm due in committee. Reena.
Reena's prescription drugs for the elderly amendment... rejected during mark-up session.
Where are we with the animals? Still not on the calendar.
So we're nowhere. Grace, help Elle with this.
Let's get going. I'll see you all later.
I think I can get a meeting with Hauser's aide.
Please. You could have 100 meetings... and it still wouldn't matter.
This is Washington politics... not warm fuzzies and kissing booths.
It takes savvy and street smarts.
I've seen thousands of polite, idealistic girls... just like you traipse up and down this Hill... and go home empty-handed with blisters on their feet.
Thank you, Grace.
You actually reminded me of something really important.
I came here to give my dog a voice... and I'd forgotten about my own.
So you can do it the Washington way.
But I'm going to do it the Elle Woods way.
Time to get serious.
Time to get serious.
Subject... Congresswoman Libby Hauser.
Came of age in Post-War boom... typified by 1951 Charles Jourdan stiletto heel.
Moving up to the Texan's head, which is red... suspect chemical assistance. Must pursue.
Hit me, Post.
118 salons within a 10-mile radius... broken down by color expertise... and philosophical approach to hair maintenance and style.
I didn't know you could have a philosophy of hair.
Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Go for Woods.
It's just as you suspected.
She's at a moderate conservative salon... founded on the principles of Vidal.
In fact, it was one of our case studies... last year at Hair University.
That was right before they flunked me.
Paulette, they weren't ready for your vision.
I know you'll make your mark hair-wise.
You got a pen? Yes.
It's at Constitution and 12th.
The Salon Bontempo.
Don't you just love a salon day?
Yes, so peaceful and quiet.
Makes it so much easier to talk that way.
They have rules about that here.
I know. That's why I called to make sure... they used PETA-approved hair care products.
When you think about what they do to those animals...
Which is why I don't think about it.
Does the trick.
Excellent bobby pin handling.
Thank you, Frederic. Looks great.
Isn't it so comforting to see... they use eco-friendly foil technology here?
Every planet needs a friend, that's what I always say.
If I wanted to talk about the emotional life of a rock... you'd know it by now.
Until this day, I'd held the highest opinion... of redheads as a fellow hair minority group.
I heard quite enough of your politics... at the committee meeting, thank you very much.
When was the last time you wore the yellow tea rose?
I'm sorry? What did you just...
When was the last time you wore your yellow tea rose?
On the night of my initiation.
Wasn't the passing of the secret scented eternal flame... of the goddess Delta Nu not the most moving experience?
Especially the part where we sipped... from the secret pink chalice of sisterhood!
Delta-Delta boo-gah-loo Nu Nu Delta Theta, Beta Lambda, Mu Ooh-aah, Delta Nu!
Libby Hauser, Texas. Planning a wedding?
That "I do" updo looks like heaven on you.
Who is he? Zeta Lambda Nu, I hope.
Actually, I'm marrying outside the Greek system... but he's totally letter-worthy.
But how is D.C. Elle-worthy?
I'm here to speak for those who can't speak for themselves.
It's more than interesting. It's practical.
Strictly a numbers game as far as you're concerned.
125,468... Number of people in your district with dog licenses.
12,762... The number of unemployed scientists... with the skills to develop alternatives to animal testing.
And finally, 6285... the ID number of my dog's captive mother.
I'm not sure I followed all that... but you got my attention.
If there's one thing I know how to do... it's rinse and repeat. Shall we?
Excuse me, do you happen to have a...
Get lost! Excuse me, sir!
Do you have a... No, I'm busy.
Sir, could I use a section of your newspaper?
We're late for your doggie spa appointment.
Here you go. Thank you, young lady.
No problem. What kind of world would this be... if we didn't help each other out every once in a while?
Have a good day.
What do you want, Bruiser?
Bruiser, honey, come on.
We have to go. We're late.
We have to get to the doggie spa, remember?
Will it be Swedish or shiatsu massage today?
Come on. We gotta get you to the puppy pretty parlor.
Up next is Stanford Marks...
Southern conservative, NRA spokesman.
How about tulips?
No, no, the calla lily is this year's tulip.
For weddings? It's all about the calla.
What would I do without you?
I couldn't do anything without you, Sid.
You're going to get this bill through, Elle.
An honest voice is louder than a crowd's.
Just trust your voice.
Bruiser? Oh, my God. I'll be right back.
Pilates for Poodles? That's Tuesday at 2:30.
Pilates for Poodles? That's Tuesday at 2:30.
The page said it was urgent! They said it was urgent.
Please tell me he's OK. What's wrong with Leslie?
We have it under control now... but your Rottweiler has been humping... your little dog, and vice versa.
Your Chihuahua's quite the little leaper, young lady.
Takes a running start.
Hell, what can I say? My Rottweiler's a stallion.
In our household, we fully support a healthy curiosity.
Testosterone is natural. Wait. Did you say stallion?
Wait a minute. Your dog... the one wearing that ridiculous pink skirt in the park?
Why would she have testosterone?
That wasn't a skirt, it was a skort.
Men wear skorts. Uh-huh.
What the heck is a skort?
And what does a man wearing one got to do with it?
All right! Leslie is a Les. The Rottweiler is a guy... and Bruiser is a male dog who enjoys wearing pastel.
The canines are both male.
Your dogs are gay.
All the signs were there. I just didn't see them.
Most dogs like to chew your shoes... and Bruiser liked to wear mine.
I just thought he liked the height.
You just want what's best for them.
Doesn't matter if they're the smartest... or the strongest or the best diggers.
As long as they're happy.
Why me? Why my dog?
I told Doris not to buy it in Dupont Circle.
That damn homosexual puppy boutique.
Stanford Marks, by the way. You can call me Stan.
Elle Woods. Very nice to meet you.
You're the girl with the perfumed poo baggies.
I'm the woman with the scented waste receptacles.
Wait! Congressman Stanford Marks?
As in the Southern conservative...
NRA spokesman Alabama Republican Stanford Marks?
One and the same.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
No, Congressman, the pleasure is all mine.
Well... Believe me.
Here's to getting things done the Washington way.
Your chief of staff has just gotten herself... a meeting with... wait for it... Chairman Stan Marks... in just four short weeks.
Congratulations, Grace. Yes!
Oh, yes. OK, who wants to bet... over-under on Ms. Woods departure?
Right now it's at six days.
Reena? No, thanks.
Reena? No, thanks.
Come on. Anybody?
Who wants to take over six days?
I'll take it, Grace.
I've been so busy. I'm sorry I'm late.
Reena, could you be a pal and just tell me... what I'm doing a week from tomorrow?
By the way, that outfit looks fantastic on you.
It really brings out the color in your eyes.
It's on my "I brake for sample sales" bookmark.
9:00... sample custom color wedding cake frosting.
10:00... rehearse hearing speech.
11:00... Commerce committee hearing.
12:00... exfoliating treatment...
Go back to that one at 11:00.
11:00... Commerce committee hearing.
That's what it says.
I'm going to be appearing before ranking member...
Libby Hauser, Chairman Stanford Marks... and the entire Committee of En and Comm.
A hop, skip, and a jump away from a floor vote.
Nice try, but you have to get a bill... before you have a hearing.
Like this one?
It's like I was saying to the congresswoman... the other day over caramel macchiatos.
"Is bill writing super fun or what?"
I think so.
Where is that Elle Woods?
Oh, my God.
Libby just told me the news. She did?
Never underestimate a woman... with a French manicure and a Harvard law degree.
Thank you, Victoria. That's very sweet of you... but I couldn't have done it without your inspiration.
I'm honored. This girl is special.
Actually, I didn't do it alone.
The entire team helped me. It was really a group effort.
Good work, guys. Really good work.
Thank you, Reena. You're a sweetheart.
And I guess I will see you at the hopper.
Ask not what your best friend can do for man... but what you can do for man's best friend.
The Committee on Energy and Commerce... will now come to order.
HR 2562, aka Bruiser's Bill...
Representative Victoria Rudd, sponsor... proposing a ban on animal testing... in the cosmetics industry.
I'd like to welcome you all today as we begin... consideration of this very important issue.
This week, you will hear testimony from both sides... and I ask that you keep your ears and your minds open.
This is my first congressional hearing.
Can you believe it?
And so I come to you today as a citizen... and a scientist with the National Institute of Health for 25 years, during which time... it's become increasingly clear that these supposed alternatives to animal testing aren't alternatives at all.
I took this office to represent my two-legged constituents.
Recently, I saw an item in a pet store with the label...
"This product is tested on humans."
That's a problem worth discussing.
All the bleeding hearts... will try to distract us from the facts... with their saccharine talk of wagging tails... cold noses, and other sentimental mumbo jumbo.
Consider this... where we see softness of heart... we often see softness of mind.
And so to move on such a bill at this juncture in time... would wreak havoc on already unstable... local economies across the country.
Now, that's a problem worth discussing.
You know I'd do anything for you... but I got to tell you, that is one tough room.
Better be prepared tomorrow. All right.
Excuse me, ladies. Good evening.
I know you've had a bad day in court before.
It's the same thing.
They make their case, we make ours.
Yes, but that was bad.
They're mostly posturing for their constituents back home.
I think we have the votes in committee... even without your testimony.
But they have scientists and economists and facts.
So do we. Elle, listen to me.
Go home. Have an early evening.
Victoria Rudd. Yes.
Hang on one minute, will you?
Go home. Try to relax.
And don't think like them. Think like you.
Good night. Good night.
Bob, how are you?
I'm leaving the Capitol right now.
Thanks. Nice work. Oh.
I'm sorry about that. This happens all the time.
My break is almost up... but I wanted to get you this before tomorrow.
Great. Let's walk.
Sidney, this is brilliant.
How did you know all this?
Hundreds of dogs walked and thousands of plastic baggies.
This is perfect. This is exactly what I need.
Well, of course I appreciate your support.
Why wouldn't it continue?
I'm already on record on that issue.
I'll do what I can.
Don't push me, Bob.
I'll do what I can.
All right. Good night.
I need to call in my favor. I'm listening.
I've changed my position on Bruiser's Bill.
A man who controls a political machine...
Boy, he's good. He is really good.
I'm really glad we're watching this.
This is good for you.
He promised to break me in two.
I'm starting to worry about... getting all this wedding planning done.
Elle, I want you to follow my lead in Washington.
And always make sure Bruiser wears a sweater.
Is that Sean Connery? No, it's not.
Powerful enough to control congressmen...
Seriously, honey, don't worry about the wedding research.
Just give 'em hell tomorrow.
The chair now recognizes legislative aide Elle Woods.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
There she is!
Guys, she really did it.
Well, I'll be damned.
Representative Kroft... that lip gloss looks absolutely sensational on you.
I'm sorry, what?
It's Raspberry Macaroon number 156.
Company shall remain nameless, is that correct?
Well, yes. But how did you...
What if I told you, Representative Kroft... that you owe that special bounce in your step... that only comes from finding the perfect lipstick... to the pain and suffering of innocent animals?
What if I was to tell you...
Congresswoman Madeline Melanie Kroft... that you owe your Raspberry Macaroon...
My best friend.
How many times has he acted on my behalf?
But today, I get the opportunity to speak for him.
Who do you speak for?
Congressman Fuchs... the next time you reach for your overnight moisturizing gloves...
By the way, it's nothing to be ashamed about.
More men should use them.
Consider asking yourself what you're willing to sacrifice... in the name of beauty and soft cuticles.
Are you willing to sacrifice animal welfare?
Or how about the welfare of one animal?
Like Jelly, your childhood pal... that striking retriever-black lab mix.
You know about Jelly?
When all the other children refused to play Lone Ranger... who was it that was always your Tonto?
Mr. Chairman... when you look in those snap-worthy almond eyes... of your Rottweiler Leslie... does it not make your heart glow with warmth?
With due respect, Ms. Woods, I wouldn't go that far.
But when he learned to differentiate... between seven different kinds of pipes... and fetch each one on command, did you not swear... to protect him with every shotgun... in your charming little ammunitions case?
It wouldn't come to that.
This is a dog we're talking about.
But if you could speak for Leslie... what would you say?
What would Leslie want you to say for him, Mr. Chairman?
To hell with it.
My Rottweiler Les is of the homosexual orientation.
I've said it. I'm out.
My name is Stan Marks, I'm a conservative Republican...
NRA spokesman, and my dog is gay.
And guess what?
I couldn't be prouder of the little flamer!
I don't care how good my hair looks... slicked back with some high-dollar pomade.
Just one long stare into that sweet sissy dog's eyes... and I know no cosmetic could ever be worth it!
We did it! Bill passing!
Important legislation for our time.
Bruiser, good work, little guy.
I would like to conclude this hearing... by thanking you all for your testimony...
Mr. Chairman, sir...
The chair recognizes... the gentlewoman from Massachusetts.
Mr. Chairman, committee members...
I would like to thank you for your consideration of this bill.
However, after further reflection... on the budgetary realities of this fiscal year...
I feel I must withdraw my support for Bruiser's Bill.
What? I concur!
Everybody, calm down.
I'm sorry, Bruiser.
I'm sorry, too, Elle.
I know you think I've let you down.
Believe me, I thought about your reaction... maybe more than I should have.
You were outmaneuvered... by Grace.
For the last two sessions she's been pushing... this homeowners incentives bill.
This morning she struck a deal.
I withdraw my support for Bruiser's Bill.
Homeowners incentives comes to a vote.
That was the price and I paid it.
That's all just deals and trades and secrets.
That's not what people want.
Elle... I'm sorry.
Government of the people... by the people, for the people.
So what's your story?
Were you even honest?
I guess you were.
If you didn't play games... then you were probably the only one.
I just don't know how you did it.
I don't even mean wearing that silly hat... because that was really brave.
Just trusting your country.
Trusting this system...
Go on. It's full of warm fuzzies.
With extra fuzz.
"Elle Woods has amazing lateral delts."
That was my target muscle group of the month.
Snaps for Elle's lateral delts.
"Elle Woods inspires us."
We even put little hearts over the "Is".
I see that. It was my idea.
Thank you, Timothy.
Thank you, everybody. This is really nice.
But I just don't think I'm cut out for this.
Elle, we have a plan.
Two words for you... Discharge petition.
With a couple hundred signatures... we can spring Bruiser's Bill from committee... straight to the House floor for a vote.
I don't know. That sounds really complicated.
You've come farther than any of us... while maintaining your bounce and sparkle.
We never sparkle.
None of us thought one person could make a difference... until you came along.
If I remember correctly, isn't that 218 signatures?
It's not that hard.
I guess I know women with more shoes than that.
Wait, that's me.
Elle... it's time to finish what you started.
OK, people, a lot on the agenda today.
Reenie, I'm still waiting on those one-minute floor speeches.
Timothy, I need recon on that campaign finance reform hearing.
Grace, status meeting in my office right away.
I said now.
Where's my staff?
They quit, without notice.
Marks and Hauser just filed a petition... to discharge Bruiser's Bill.
I'm pretty sure that's where your staff is... led by their commander Sorority Sue.
Petition to discharge HR 2652, aka Bruiser's Bill... carried with no objections.
The petition is filed and available for signature.
Actually, we are strictly...
"bring your own" on the discharge petition.
But it's pink... and scented.
Gives it something extra, don't you think?
We've both signed it, as you can see.
I believe we're being dismissed. Thank you.
There will be others to come and sign.
Don't you like pink? Come on!
Up on your feet, people.
Discharge petition time.
We have our work cut out for us. Let's go.
OK, we have two signatures. 216 to go.
I'll break up the country into color codes.
Timothy, you're teal.
Reena, you're magenta.
And Elle is marigold.
And I've got the Wellington covered.
37 signatures in residence.
Sid Post, 37.
Congress adjourns in 3 weeks. We can't do this alone.
That's why I'm calling in reinforcements.
I hope we're talking... the brightest political minds in the country.
Oh, my God!
Oh, gosh, we can't wait to see the Mall.
And the Statue of Liberty.
Everybody, these are my Delta Nu sisters.
This is Margot and Serena.
Josh made the cruise boat pull over in Puerto Vallarta.
I left L.A. Right after landing... a lateral split in the third quarter dance break.
It was awesome. I went "Yah!" and "Haah!"
That's so great. Yeah, thanks.
So, is it time?
Oh, no, it's not time yet.
Hello? You're here?
We'll meet you in the lobby. Let's go.
Everybody, this is the final member of our team...
Who's ready to discharge?
And proposition a bill and... whatever.
Let's hit the Hill.
If I could have a moment of your time...
You could consider something...
Quadrant 4, corridor 6, have lost one.
Sorry. How are you?
If I could have a minute of your time?
Reena, how are you?
Has anybody told you about Bruiser's Bill?
Is it trivial, Congressman Hannenfeld?
Animals don't have the same reactions... to drugs that humans do.
It's like the time... my trainer's sister's cousin's girlfriend... gave her overweight Yorkie some phen-fen... because she was a little bit fat... and it gained three pounds.
Desired result? I don't think so.
Oh, my dear, gifted woman... you tell that Bruiser Woods... he can count on the Sunshine State.
Thank you, Ohio.
Thank you, Atlanta!
We're gonna do it.
Serena... why do they keep sending us to Room 216?
Margot, you're a genius.
If this doesn't get more signatures...
I don't know what will.
Intern class of 2003 on deck!
Remember, flexibility counts.
Dogs of the world unite!
2... 4... 6... 8!
Sign the petition, win a date!
Go Bruiser's Bill, go!
Well, I'm signing.
Yes, Bob, I know what you're reading.
Are you kidding?
Your support has been invaluable to me.
If it weren't for you, I'd be painting my own posters.
I don't care if she has two weeks left.
She could have two years left.
She won't pull this off.
I will not be outmaneuvered by this silly little blonde.
Don't worry, Bob. I'll get her... and her little dog, too.
Even with the entire Wellington... and 68 life-changing haircuts under Paulette's belt... we're still not even close.
We got a problem here.
The bad news is...
Wow. You look amazing.
It's just layers and highlights... and a cellulose finishing rinse.
I did it.
What is the bad news?
We lost Hannenfeld. We were planning on him... to bring Felsen, Parks, and Janowitz on board.
What are you talking about? I talked to Hannenfeld myself.
I confirmed with his aide this morning over breakfast.
I don't know. Somebody must've got to him at lunch.
Please make sure. I will. Two weeks?
I'm looking for Grace Rossiter.
I just want to know if she's coming back soon.
I was going to call you.
I was looking for Grace.
The discharge petition.
We lost Hannenfeld... and I was wondering if Grace knew anything about it.
None of that is important anymore.
Could I speak with you for a moment?
You did it, Elle. You won.
You can collect Bruiser's mom anytime you like.
If you promise not to be disappointed in me again...
I'll tell you. I pulled a few strings.
C'est Magnifique is releasing all of their test animals.
All of them?
All of them. And what's more... they have been so impressed... with how you've handled yourself down here... they want you on board as head of their legal department.
It's a very generous offer.
I don't know.
You did it.
You did what you came here to do.
Yeah, but what about the discharge petition?
This isn't about just one animal... it's all of the animals.
I agree, but you've got a great team in place.
They can carry on without you.
C'est Magnifique wants you up there by Monday.
You can go home.
Wow. Thank you. Thanks for doing that.
We have to stick together, us Washington blondes.
Do you know who Representative Hannenfeld... had lunch with today in the members dining room?
I skipped lunch today. Had a facial.
I'll call you about that.
Emmett, I know you're probably in Case Law class right now... but call me back when you get this.
I think I'm coming home.
But it's a good thing.
Maybe. Call me back.
Will you leave us alone now?
I know you've been working against us... and I know somehow it's personal.
You don't like me. Clearly.
If I leave Washington, will you call off the fight... and let Bruiser's Bill have a fair shot?
Your bill is trivial to me. I have my own agenda.
Like the homeowners bill you pushed through at our expense?
That's all I'm asking, Grace...
Homeowners incentives? I wouldn't touch that bill.
It's a tax break for the wealthy.
Haven't you been pushing it for the last two sessions?
Victoria has a live interview with Connie Chung in an hour.
I don't have time for this.
That's the interview she's preparing for?
She's in makeup right now.
She's in makeup?
Mike test, 1-2-3.
Is Miss Chung available?
I'd like to go over some ground rules before we go on live, for goodness sakes.
Yes, OK. Thanks.
Doesn't she have a beautiful complexion?
She's like a PSA for SPF.
Thank you, Elle. I thought you were gone.
Home? No, no, no. I'm not ready yet...
Epidermally speaking, that is.
I'm actually feeling a little bit muddy.
I need a light exfoliation... followed by super rich hydration... and I thought, Victoria will have a good recommendation.
Sweetie, this really isn't the best time.
I know you're very busy... so I already called your facialist.
The thing is she said you didn't come in today.
Oh, no, no. I went someplace else.
Someplace new. Is that all?
No, that's not all.
Every woman knows that a good facial... can be a painful experience if done properly... resulting in red blotchy areas all over your skin... swelling, tenderness in your T-zone area.
Even more so if your facialist is Eastern European... as so many of the best are.
Payback for the fall of Communism, I like to say.
What on earth are you talking about?
Isn't it the first rule of facials... that there's a 24-hour window between a facial... and any major occasion such as a date or a dance... or maybe an interview with Mrs. Maury Povich?
I don't think that's a rule... the most well-groomed woman in Washington would forget.
This is ridiculous. Could we clear this room?
You lied to me about your lunch hour.
Why? Because you were having lunch with Hannenfeld?
You've been lobbying against us all this time.
For God's sakes, enough. Thank you. Out, out, out.
Thank you. I'll be with you in a moment.
Yes. I lied to you. I killed Bruiser's Bill.
But you're an animal lover.
What about Dolly Madison, your beagle?
Not mine. I borrowed it.
And it reeked. Looked good on the sofa.
We've been through all of this before.
I traded your bill for the homeowners bill... that Grace had committed me to.
That's a lie. Grace never wanted that.
You blocked this bill and I want to know why.
Why? Yes, why?
Why does anything happen in Washington? Survival.
You have no idea what it takes to get here and stay here.
The money it takes.
It just so happens that my chief financial contributor purchased half share in a major cosmetics company... and they want to continue testing on animals... so much so that they're willing... to bankroll my opponent in next year's elections... if I did not kill your bill.
I trusted you.
I looked up to you.
I can't do anyone any good if I'm no longer here.
But you're not doing anybody any good.
Nobody in your district, not even yourself.
And I'm sorry, but I can't let that happen.
You can't prove why I changed my vote... or how I blocked your bill.
It's your word against mine... and I've spent 20 years building up my credibility... in this town and back home.
I'm not going to the press.
I don't believe in blackmail.
But I do believe in the people... and I'm going to take Bruiser's Bill to them.
The people believe what we tell them to believe.
It'll never work, Elle.
You can't get the people to care.
Ladies... it's time.
Are you sure?
As sure as I am that nobody looks good in paisley.
Are you with me?
I think so. Serena?
Yeah. Yes. We're with you, Elle.
Go for it.
Oh, my God!
Delta Nu president, Chapter 2-6...
I.D. Number 097435. Third from the top.
6234978, fifth from the top... calling to activate phone tree number 255.
Call to activate phone tree 255!
This is not a fire drill.
I repeat, this is not a drill!
Sisters mobilized. E.T.A. 0800 hours.
Hi, Heather, it's Buffy. Hi, Kiki, it's Tiffani.
Hi, Amber, it's Becky. Hi, Audrey, it's Melanie.
Hi, Jos, it's Breena. Hi, Courtney, it's Veronica.
Hi, Christy, it's Nat. Hi, Binky, it's Nicki.
Hi, Jill, it's Jojo. Hi, Allison, it's Cookie.
You will never believe what happened.
Elle just called and she needs our help...
Suzy, we're taking it to Defcon One.
There's a crisis right now.
Where the president is. Exactly.
There's an emergency in Washington.
OK, see you in Washington.
Save Bruiser's mom!
Save Bruiser's mom!
Help me out, tell a friend.
Save Bruiser's mom!
I like your necklace.
Gay Dogs of America support Bruiser's Bill!
We're gonna tee it around 12:00...
Miss, save me a good one.
Full-color big picture of Bruiser.
Emmett! What are you doing here?
Elle, your work is here now and it's important.
So I'm bringing the wedding to you.
First step, get groom to Washington.
But what about Fenway Park?
Look, I don't care where I marry you... just as long as I do.
I do. I do. Feels good.
So what's Step Two?
That's Step Two.
Save Bruiser's mom!
Save Bruiser's mom!
Save Bruiser's mom!
Save Bruiser's mom!
Colorado. Photo ops after.
Grace, are you all right?
Save Bruiser's mom!
Save Bruiser's mom!
Save Bruiser's mom!
Uh-oh. That's it.
It's not enough.
Tomorrow's a wash.
It's National Education Day.
Got a meeting of both Houses, ceremonial speeches... there's no time for politicking.
Sorry, Elle, we tried.
We have to keep trying.
You want those last fifteen signatures?
It'll take something extraordinary.
You'll have to pull something... no regular citizen would ever dream of.
Fine, but how am I going to do that?
You're going to address the entire Congress... and I know just the person to make it happen.
Who? Is that even possible?
Look, Elle, you may be above blackmail... but I'm not.
Grace, why are you helping me?
Because once upon a time I loved politics... and I want to do some good.
What has that got to do with me?
Look, those silly girls that I told you about... with the blisters on their feet?
I was one of them.
We have celebrated today elementary education... secondary and higher education... and now...
Don't even think about it.
This is a little unconventional.
With the Speaker's... and the president of the Senate's permission... please indulge me as I share the floor... with my constituent... who in the spirit of education... would like to educate us all on a vital issue... facing us today.
Ladies and gentlemen of both Houses...
I give you Ms. Elle Woods.
It's all yours.
Thank you, Congresswoman.
Hello, everyone, my name is Elle Woods... and I'm here to speak to you today... about a piece of legislation called Bruiser's Bill.
But you know... today is supposed to be about education.
So instead, I want to tell you about the education... you all have given me over the past three months.
What about Bruiser's Bill? We still need 15 signatures.
She's blowing it.
I came to Washington to help my dog Bruiser... and somewhere along the way...
I learned a really unexpected lesson.
I know what you're thinking... Who is this girl?
And what could this simple, small-town girl from Bel Air... have to say to all of us? I'll tell you.
It's about something that's bigger than me... or any single act of legislation.
This is about a matter that should be at... the highest importance to every American...
There's this salon in Beverly Hills.
It's really fancy and beautiful.
It's impossible to get an appointment.
Unless you're Julia Roberts or from "Friends"... you can just forget it.
But one day, they called me. They had an opening.
So I was going to finally get the chance... to sit in one of those sacred beauty chairs.
I was so excited.
Then the colorist... gave me Brassy Brigitte instead of Harlow Honey.
The shampoo girl washed my hair with spiral perm solution... instead of color-intensive moisturizing shampoo.
Finally, the stylist... gave me a bob... with bangs.
Suffice to say, it was just wrong.
All wrong. For me, you know?
First I was angry.
And then I realized my anger was completely misdirected.
This wasn't the salon's fault.
I had sat there and witnessed this injustice... and had let it happen.
I didn't get involved in the process.
I forgot to use my voice.
I forgot to believe in myself.
But now I know better.
I know that one honest voice can be louder than a crowd.
I know that if we lose our voice... or if we let those who speak on our behalf... compromise our voice... then, this country... this country is in for a really bad haircut.
So speak up, America.
Speak up for the home of the brave.
Speak up for the land of the free gift with purchase.
Speak up, America. Speak up!
And remember... you are beautiful.
Everyone, it's time I spoke up.
I think Timothy's smoking!
You didn't! Thank you!
What is this? Oh, my God!
That's so perfect!
This week, Congresswoman Libby Hauser... finished decorating her house... sent her son off to college... and negotiated a settlement... between the San Antonio labor unions... and the Department of Sanitation.
Snaps for Congresswoman Hauser!
Now that we're married, where do you want to live?
Beverly Hills? Boston? Washington?
I know just the place.