Leprechaun 3 (1995) Script

One video camera... Beta! By golly.

(DINGING)

Good evening, my friend. Welcome. So nice to see you.

I need money to buy gas so I can get out of this place.

Yes, of course.

You will be showing me what is in the sack then?

I can give you a hand. May I?

Just open up here.

Oh, my, my, my! What is this horrible thing?

He's a good luck charm.

Yes, I can see it's working very well.

Whatever you do, don't touch the medallion.

No, I won't.

I am giving you...

10... No!

$20.

Goodbye.

(BELL DINGING)

Come back soon!

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, my! Only a face a mother could love.


(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

Nothing but junk!

"Don't touch," he says, because it might break. It's so cheap.

Oh, my goodness. Gosh.

Oh, Gupta, by golly. You're a bloody genius.

You're making a wonderful deal for $20.

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERING)

I like Indian food! So spicy!

Who are you?

I'm a leprechaun, me lad, and you're a greedy thief.

For trying to steal me gold, I'll be giving you some grief.

(GROANING)

Have a lie-down, lad.

(SCREAMS)

Nice leather! I appreciate a good pair of shoes.

Ah!

Don't mind if I do!

(SCREAMING)

I think I'll whack you in the head a dozen times until you're dead.

Take it away! Take it away!

You're being afraid of this? Stay away, I'm warning you.

I'll tear your eyes out and I'll rip your face off.

You're a bloody devilish creature!

(GROANS)

You wanted me gold, and you suffer the consequences.

Now I'll take what's mine, and be gone from here.

No! You and your gold belong to Gupta.

(EXCLAIMS)


Well, you missed us both.

You wanna back up and try that again?

Sorry. It's all right, happens all the time.

Do you know anything about cars? 'Cause this one doesn't work.

Name's Scott. Tammy.

Tammy. Great. What seems to be the problem?

Obviously, I don't know. It just died on me.

Well, let's take a look.

Ah! Well, see, someone stole your engine.

Start it up for me, if you can.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

What do you think? Have you ever blown a rod before?

I beg your pardon?

The engine, I meant.

See, you got your pistons, and your rods, and...

You don't wanna know this, right? No, actually, I don't.

I'll give you 10 bucks if you give me a ride to work.

Forget it.

You don't have to pay me. Where do you work?

Chicago.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, got me.

Chicago.

That's very good. I would have taken you there, too.

Where is it? I know it is here somewhere.

Here it is. "Legends and Folklore."

"Leprechauns."

O'REILLY: Good day to ya.

The name's O'Reilly, and I'm here to tell you about leprechauns.

Legend has it that they were once magical elves in ancient times who became obsessed with riches and gold.

...96, 97.

98, 99...

I'm one shilling short!

(GRUNTS)

Wow! Look at all the lights! It's unbelievable!

Yeah, it's a quaint little place.

So where do you work? The Lucky Shamrock.

What's that? It's a casino, Scott.

What do you do there?

I'm a magician. Right on!

Actually, right now, I'm just a magician's assistant.

But one of these days, I'm gonna have my own act.

I believe you.

(SINGING) One little, two little three little leprechauns Four little, five little, six little leprechauns This place is unknown, so I'll leave it here.

Me own savings and loan. I'll have nothin' to fear.

Remember, his power lies in his gold, and he'll use all his magic to protect it.

Yes, try to protect it from this.

So is this your first trip to Vegas?

Yeah. Actually, I'm just passing through. I'm on my way to LA.

Oh.

You're gonna be a movie star? No, actually, I'm on my way to school.

My first year of college.

Great! It's a smart move. Go to school. Learn something worthwhile.

I just thought I'd swing through Vegas, you know, see what it's like.

Take my advice and don't stay long.

Yeah?

Vegas has a way of latching on to a person.

You wanna go, but you can't.

I'll remember that.

O'REILLY: Potatoes are a leprechaun's favorite meal.

Like all good Irishmen, he loves his spuds, but he'll take a bite out of anybody who threatens to steal his gold.

Woe betide the man who covets a leprechaun's shillin'.

He'll batter and brain them, he'll mangle...

My, my, my!

Now let us go find your little brothers and sisters.

In fact, let us find the entire family.

If a mortal gets hold of a leprechaun's gold, he'll be given one wish for every shilling in his possession.

He can have anything he wants in the whole world.


(FOOTSTEPS SOUNDING) (GASPS)

Thanks for the ride. I really appreciate it.

Sure. Bye.

Hey, I've never been inside a real casino.

Oh, forget it. You gotta be 21.

I know, but I thought maybe you could sneak me in, so I can see what it's like inside.

What do you think? This is like Disneyland or something?

I could lose my job for that. My boss could lose his license.

And you will lose your shirt.

Right. I didn't think about that. I'm sorry.

All right, look.

If I get you into the den of iniquity here, you gotta promise me something.

No gambling. Okay.

Just take a look around, see what you gotta see, and beat it.

I'm out of there. All right.

So who do you work with? I mean, magician-wise?

Right now, I'm assisting The Great Fazio.

What's a Fazio?

Well, Scott, a Fazio is a mediocre magician who couldn't pull a rabbit... out of a pet store. But it pays the bills.

Remember now, no trouble, okay? In and out.

Okay.

Maybe I could come see your show, and we could have dinner afterwards.

Er, it's a possibility, if I'm not busy. Who knows?

In you go.

(CLATTERING)


You are mine, you little bugger.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

(GUNSHOTS)

You missed me! You missed me!

If you're gonna linger, I'll give you the finger.

(GROANS)

Stay away from me, you steaming pile of cannibal dung!

I'm a dangerous man!

Stay away from me!

Leprechauns do have their loveable side...

Why, I remember when Paddy McGinty's goat was sick with...

(AUDIO STOPS)

I want me shilling!


MAN: Oh, Yes, yes!

All right.

Whoa!

Thank you, Melissa.

(GIGGLES) You're terrible.

Come on. MAN: Yes!

(BOTH CHEERING)

All right!

Roll again, Father Bob!

Give me those dice here. More money.

More money, more money. Here we go.

Ready?

Here she goes. Look at this!

MAN: Yes! Whoo! All right.

Excellent.

What time is it?

It's after 7:00. Where's Tammy?

I don't know, damn it! She's got work to do!

What do you keep her around for anyway? She's not worth a damn.

She's got a way of filling out a costume.

I could look just as good, you know. Why don't you hire me?

Twenty years ago, Loretta, or should I say 20 pounds ago?

I am not always gonna look just like this, pally.

No? You find the fountain of youth or something?

I've been saving my pennies, buddy boy, and one of these days, I'm gonna come waltzing in that door with everything packed into all the right places.

You need more than a boob job, Loretta. You need a personality transplant.

Bitch!

I'm sorry I'm late, Fazio.

I told you, you will address me as "Great One."

Off stage and on.

You're a magician, not the Pope.

I am your teacher. You will show me respect.

Right.

Loretta.

Mmm-hmm.

Throw me that lighter.

Ow!

Are you doing the magic rings tonight? Screw the magic rings.

Oh, my God!

I've got something 10 times better.

You're in the box, I do the standard switch gag, and then I set fire to the box!

The audience goes nuts, thinking you're in there being burnt alive.

I'm gonna call it "The Burning Beauty."

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, God!

MAN: What the hell is going on here?

Fazio, is this the fabulous stunt you wanted me to see?

What are you, nuts?

Only a moron would try something like this. You believe this guy?

It'll be great, Mitch. I'll make sure she's got protection.

Forget it. End of discussion.

I'm not taking any chances with my future headliner.

How you're doing, babe? You look sensational.

Thanks. Now, you.

Get out there and mix with the suckers.

Do something like... Do some card tricks or something.

Keep them entertained.

Out of the question! I work the main room! I'm a star.

You're a schmuck. Now get out there and earn your pay, Fazio.

That goes for you, too. Break is over. Back to work.

So, you need anything, you know who to come to, right?

Right. Right. Yeah.

You keep playing hard to get. You mark my words, you'll come around.

I guarantee.

I saw that.

LORETTA: Rolling, rolling, rolling! Where she stops, nobody knows.

And winner, winner, winner!

We have a winner!

To the sharp-dressed man! Thank you.

You'll need a dump truck to take it all home, mister.

A rack for you.

Here, this is for you.

What a gentleman!

Everyone's a winner today.


Excuse me, sir, do you know where I can cash a check?

Are you old enough to be in here, kid?

Oh-oh! Yes. You're old enough.

Right over there. You have a good day.

Hey, Mitch, how's it hanging?

Hi, fellas! Listen, not now, okay? I've got business.

Stay here!

What are you, a 44 regular?

You know, I've got a plaid that'll make you look 20 pounds younger.

What do you want, Art? What do I want?

I want brown hair. I want health insurance for all Americans.

I want the Mets to get their shit together.

Let's not worry about what I want, let's worry about what I need.

I need my money. Tomorrow. Tomorrow's good.

I'll stop by your store and we'll take care of everything.

Tell him. Okay? Excuse me.

Look sharp, be sharp.

No, tell him the other thing, the threat thing.

You pay Arthur the money you owe him or I will kill you.

That's good.

What are you, tough guys? I got hemorrhoids tougher than you.

Hey!

On the other hand, why don't we meet a little later over by the cashier's cage?

How's 10:00 for you? It's good for me if it's good for you.

10:00? Wait, when do you take your break? 9:30.

9:30 to 9:45? Think you can make it back by 10:00?

10:00. Okay, 10:00. 10:00's good.

You mind? Yeah.

You buy off the rack, that's what happens.

I could've taken him.

No, no, he couldn't. You, bigger.

Get 'em down, get 'em down, before the wheel goes 'round.

We're gonna have somebody lucky before the night is over. You feelin' lucky?

You feelin' lucky, sugar? What you gonna do with all that?

I believe I'll try this one.

Dangerous man, I like it.

And the wheel goes round and round, no more bets, no more bets.


(BURPS)

Ah!

There was an old man of Madras whose balls were made of fine brass, so, in stormy weather, they both clanged together, and sparks flew out of his arse.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm finding this to be a very funny and poetic leprechaun.

I'm glad you liked it, lad.

Now you left the door open, so I assuming you wanted to see me.

Yes. I'm wanting to discuss things with you.

For instance? I want to negotiate.

I am for giving you this medallion, which you are terribly, terribly afraid of, for half your gold.

Half me gold for a worthless medallion?

This is my final offer! You are taking it or leaving it.

You got a deal, lad.

Now, put it away, why don't you?

Perhaps I'll do a little fishin'.

I told you a terrible lie, and now you're going to die.

Eighteen red. We got a winner!

I can't... I can't believe it!

How could this happen to me?

Place your bets, place your bets.

Tough luck, kid. So, you're gonna bet or what?

Bet?

Get 'em down. You want me to bet?

I had $23,000.

Looks like you got a couple hundred. You can get hot.

Get 'em down, get 'em down. Big spender, big spender.

And the wheel goes round and round and round, get 'em down.

There you go.

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)


(YAWNING)


Where the hell were you?

I told you, the trap door keeps getting stuck.

That's what I get for working at a dump like this, nothing works.

Get away from me! Get away from me!

Get away!

LORETTA: No more bets, no more bets!

Feelin' lucky, Mr. Big Time Spender? Mr...

Here she's dropping.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Green, double zero!

The house makes out. Sorry, folks!

What have I done? I'm ruined, I'm finished.

What, are you kidding me? You're due, you're gonna make it big.

Place your bets! What?

Yeah. Trust me.

Bad streak of luck like that, no way you're gonna lose.

Get 'em down before the wheel goes around.

Really? Yeah, trust me.

But I don't have any more money.

Nice watch there. Could bring a nice chunk of change.

My grandpa gave me this watch for graduation.

Make him proud. Make a comeback. Win.

Pawn shop across the street, tell him Loretta sent you.

Get 'em down, get 'em down! She's dropping.

(GROANING)

Where's me shilling?

I want me shilling!

GUPTA: Help!

(GROANING)

No! No! No!

Tell me where it is, or by me sainted mother, I'll strangle ya!

This must be the place.

This is your last chance. I'm warnin' you.

I want me shilling!

(CHOKING)

Oh, no! What was I thinking?

With all this killing, I've lost me shilling!

(BELL DINGS)

Hello!

Anybody here?

Hello?

Oh, my God!

Oh, man!

I thought I had problems.

Operator, listen.

I'm in a pawn shop across the street from the Lucky Shamrock Casino.

And I found a dead person.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah.

All right, I'll wait right here.

(BEEPS)

O'REILLY: A leprechaun is very territorial.

He can never tolerate another leprechaun crossing his boundaries.

One leprechaun can be aggravating, but two can be devastating.

With that in mind, let's review what we've learned about leprechauns.

Number one, his power lies in his gold.

Without it, he's just another gnome full of mischief.

Number two, each of his gold shillings will bring a wish come true to anyone who possesses them.

A wish?

I wish I was back at the casino on a winning streak.

(GRUNTS)

I've lost him!

He's got me shilling!

He's got me shilling!

What the heck am I doing here?

There are no other bets, no other bettors. Just the house and the golden boy.

He's riding seven red, let's see how lucky he gets.

Hell! A seven red! We got a winner!

You gonna let that ride, golden boy?

And the luckiest man in Las Vegas puts the whole load on 13 black.

Thirteen black is up, nobody else is betting.

Ah! Lovely golden palaces completely full of riches I'll rip them off and rob 'em blind, those dirty sons of bitches!

CROWD: Yeah!

Black 13! Another winner, another winner!

This guy's got a hell of a winning streak.

Winning streak. I wished for a winning streak.

What the hell is going on here? Unbelievable. He can't lose.

Two hours ago, he's losing his shirt. Now, I can't stop him.

Well, you better stop him, or else.

Any other bettors? No other bettors!

On the way to being a millionaire.

Six black. Here we go!

Come on, baby, make me a winner.

And it's a...

The hits just keep on coming!

A winner!

I've about had it with you, Loretta.

I don't know. I did what you told me. Something went wrong.

Yeah. Well, you better get the money back or something will go wrong, with you.

You know what I mean?

Hmm-mmm. Good.

(CHUCKLES)

"Golden Nugget." I'd like one of those.

LORETTA: He's a winner again!

Ladies and gentlemen, due to a slight solacrivenance in the stem of the wheel, the situation is thus.

This table is closed, but it's only temporary.

So, come back in a little while. All right? Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Congratulations. You've had some... Some amazing streak of luck.

I mean, truly amazing. Thanks!

I don't know how it happened.

I mean, I was losing everything, then all of a sudden...

Yeah, right. You see, that's how it happens sometimes.

Tell me, kid, you... You staying here at the hotel?

No, actually, I'm not. Well, let's just change that.

Here you go. I would like you to be our guest.

Anything you want, it's on me. Okay?

Wow!

Thanks a lot! Oh, oh, no problem.

Listen, why don't you just relax, take a break, come back in an hour or so, and then see if you can keep that winning streak going?

What do you say, kid? Yeah.

Boy, I can't wait to get back into it.

Man, Las Vegas is really turning out to be a great place.

Vegas, the greatest little town in the world.

I'll see you in a while, kid.

We'll keep the same table reserved just for you.

Okay, I'll be here. That's good.

Jesus!

Schmuck.

Tammy, you won't believe what happened!

What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be gambling!

I won! All that?

Scott, you said you wouldn't gamble.

I know, I know, but something happened to me.

It's like I've got the fever or something.

I mean, I was losing my shirt, and then I went to pawn my watch, and then I found a dead guy... You what?

Yeah. At the pawn shop.

But the next thing you know, I'm back here at the casino and I'm winning everything in sight.

All right. Listen to me.

They gave me my own room! On the house, see?

Scott, just shut up for a second and listen to me.

I want you to cash in your chips and go home.

Get in your car and leave Las Vegas.

No, Tammy, no. Listen.

All this happened because of you.

I wanna share it with you.

Scott! Oh, my God!

Are you serious?

Look, I got a show, I've gotta go.

Just... All right, cash in the chips and go up to your room and stay there.

Don't let anybody in. I cannot stress that enough.

Nobody comes in.

And keep the money right beside you.

Okay? Okay.

When I'm done with my next show, I'm gonna come up and we'll talk.

Okay? Okay.

All right. I'll be up as soon as I can.

This is so great! I mean, I can't...

Shh! Scott.

Are you gonna cash those in? Yeah.

You've done well for yourself. Well, it was a good night.

(CHUCKLES)

Nope.

Me shilling!

A lucky sign. The gold inside will soon be mine.

Fine suit of clothes, lad.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Those shoes, do they come in blue suede? I really like 'em, man.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Hey, man, you do that pretty good. Next time, make sure you get paid for it.

Hey, man, see you on the flipside.

(CHUCKLES)

Vegas! My kind of town!

Thank you. No, thank you.

And now, using all my magic, I will summon forth a member of the animal kingdom.

Fazio!

Of course, the casino won't allow me to use a real bunny.

Oh, my God!

Hello, little one. What an interesting costume.

Watch this.

Oh, shit!

(LEPRECHAUN LAUGHING)

A little token of my esteem, it is exactly what it seems.

Made fresh daily at exactly 9:00.

It comes from my shillelagh, you can keep it in a crock.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Fazio! Just the girl I wanna see. Not now! Some little butthead...

What is that smell? Is that my shoe?

It's not my shoe. It was in my hand! Oh, my God!

Never mind. Have you seen that little tramp that works for me?

Tammy? Forget her. Focus on that punk at the elevator.

What about him?

He just won over a hundred thou at the roulette wheel.

You're kidding me! How did you let him get away with that much?

Something went wrong. Anyway, he still got it on him.

Cash and carry.

In cash? He's got this gold coin I want.

Really? Yeah.

I figured we split the green, I get the gold coin.

You know, good luck charm.

What's his room number? (GIGGLES)

Room service?

Like taking candy from a baby.

Go, man, throw me a winner! Yeah!

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

I never lose!

Hey, Tony, look what we got here. A high roller.

Move. Watch it?

Nice duds. What is that, lederhosen?

Take a break, pal.

Hey, crappier, you give me them dice, I'm feeling lucky.

But I'm not through winning, lad.

Get outta here.

(GROANS)

Looks like a slot machine! (LAUGHING)

You wanna try your luck?

This is my kind of place, crooked and sleazy, stealing gold from humans is awfully easy.

Look out, Vegas. I'm taking over.

Money, money, money, money...

It's good!

Money, money is good.

Money.


That's silk. I'll keep that.


Hey!

What are you doing in my room?

Ow!

Room service.

(LAUGHING)

What the hell... Now, me boyo, I smell me shilling.

Tell me where it is or there'll be another killing.

What the hell are you?

I'm a leprechaun, come to claim me gold.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Yeah, give me hotel security.

Yeah, I'd like to report a leprechaun in your hotel.

No, a leprechaun.

Yeah, a little green guy.

He tried to kill me!

Hello?

The coin. The bastard took my coin.

Next time, I'll take the elevator!

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

I have been looking all over hell for you.

You got the coin? Yes, I got the coin.

I didn't find any money.

Gimme! Forget it! We're splitting it 50-50.

We made a deal, that coin belongs to me.

Yeah. Well, I didn't get the money, so now we're splitting it.

We are not gonna sell it, you putz!

It's got powers.

What are you talking about? What kind of powers?

Put it on the table, you're not gonna believe this.

It's amazing.

Go on. Go on.

I can't, it's magically disappeared. "It's magic..."

Put it on the table! All right. What number?

Just any one! Any one! Eleven black.

I don't get it.

Get what? Are you losing your mind?

It moves. It moves to the winning number by itself.

Oh, I see. It moves to the winning number by itself, which means that you're nuts!

Look, I gotta go do my show.

I want you to find a coin dealer, get it appraised and we will sell it.

I swear, on my mother's grave, it has magic.

Loretta, darling, if you want magic, bend over.

I'll pull a rabbit out of your ass.

In the meantime, do what I tell you. I'll see you tonight.

Fazio!

I know you've got work to do backstage.

I'm gone.

He's gone.

Did you get my money back yet? I'm working on it.

What is that? That is mine!

That looks like gold to me. Give me it.

I said give me it! That is my personal property!

I'm gonna keep this until you get my money back for me.

That's my personal property. I want it back!

Would you keep your voice down?

One thing I can't stand is a fat broad with a big mouth.

Who's calling fat fat, Mr. Porker? (SNORTING LIKE A PIG)

Oh, really!

Yeah, really. You couldn't get a woman if your life depended on it.

Oh, yeah? I could have any broad that I want.

(LAUGHS)

Like that bubblehead little bimbo, Miss Tammy?

Yeah, I could have Tammy if I wanted her.

Ha! You wish! Yeah.

I wish!

What was that?

(MOANS)

Mmm...

If wishes were horses, a fat man like you couldn't even get in the saddle.

Mitch! Mitch. Tammy, what's the matter?

I want you. You do?

I want you more than any man I've ever known in my life.

Have you got a fever?

Oh, right now, Mitch! Take me!

Take me right here! On the floor!

Yes!

Fatso, huh?

Well, look, whatever it is, don't change a thing.

Now you just stay like this. Oh, yes!

Come on, let's go to my room. Yes.

Mandatory drug testing for all employees, that's it.

Mitchy, Mitchy... Yeah. We'll go right to my room.

All this time, Mitchy. MITCH: Boy, am I ready!

MITCH: I'm going to start pumping now.

I don't look it, but I can get really nasty!

You can? Yeah!

Then you just do it.

Do I have permission? Yeah.

Come on, baby! Yeah!

Wait a minute. That's what he said.

"I wish."

Oh, Mitchy, where have you been all my life?

I've been right here, baby, waiting for you.

Gimme a kiss!

Mitchy.

I like my loving the same way I like my men.

Tough. Tough?

And hard, like this.

Ow!

Ooh, that's wonderful!

I wanna make you feel it, like this.

You're turning me on! I am?

I think I got the idea.

Let me do it for you. Okay. Okay.

You like that? Oh, Mitchy! Yeah!

Ooh! I love it!

Now, can we... Can we do it?

My boxers keep crawling up my butt.

I hate that. I go with Jockeys now.

Yeah. You know, makes me feel like a sissy.

Yeah.

You can't hang like you really want to.

How do you want it hanging? Loose. I wanna be comfortable.

I like a little support. Yeah? Feels good.

How's my tie look? Fine. Good.

My socks are hanging down on my ankles. I hate that.

I wear those ones come over the calves, like tubers.

Yeah. I'd get those garters, but they make me feel like a sissy.

(SIGHS)

Where the hell is that guy?

Enough with the pain. Okay, no more pain.

Sweetie, mama's gonna make you feel so good!

Well, good is good, pain is...

What tasteful decor!

Mitchy, it's like a museum.

Let's do it. Let's do it! Mitchy!

What? This is good. Down, boy.

Now, first... First what?

I'm gonna make you hot. Yes, I like that.

And then... What?

I'm gonna make you burn.

Burn?

(SNAPS FINGERS) (MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, boy!

That's very nice.

MITCH: That's nice. That's good. Yes.

Take it all off.

Do it. Do it. Yes!

You got real talent.

Ooh!

Yes!

Have I got a wish for you!

Mitch? Come and get me, baby.

What did you do to me? How did you get me here?

Hey, wait! How did I get here?

It's me, remember? The love machine! Come on!

Get away from me! You letch! (GROANS)

You bitch! You ball-breaking tease!

You're fired as of tonight!

You're finished in show business.

You'll never get a job in this town again.

Belongs to me, this gold I smell.

Whoever's got it is going to hell.


Potatoes!

(SNIFFLING)

I was gonna make her a star.

All she had to do was cooperate.

What the hell is going on?

What channel is this?

What do you need her for, Mitch, when you can have me?

She called me Mitch?

Take a look at these, Mitch.

Coincidence.

MITCH: I like this.

Here you go!

Baked potato, broiled potato, French fries, potato skins, potato salad and six potato pancakes.

Anything else?

There once was a lady of Totten, whose taste grew perverted and rotten, she cared not for steaks or for pastries and cakes, but lived upon penis au gratin.

Metallica!

No, wait!

White Zombie. I've got the album.

Enjoy your spuds!

What the hell did I just say?

I'm coming for you, Mitch!

I must be dreaming.

I'm coming.

Come on, baby. - I can't wait to reach you.

Well, come and get me.

Oh. Oh!

I must be dreaming. No.

I'm not dreaming? No.

This is nice. This is good. Mitch.

What can I do for you? Where did you come from?

I'll show you. What's the difference?

Hey, you want my heat-seeking moisture missile, don't you?

What a lovely treat for a fine lad like meself.

What's wrong with me? Why am I talking like that?

Hey, rich kid. Loretta!

Eating up all your winnings already.

Where's Tammy? Have you seen her? (CHUCKLES)

She's up in Mitch's office getting her clock cleaned.

What? Life's a bitch, ain't it?

Where's Mitch's office? Third floor, Room 318.

Elevator left, then a right. Bon app├ętit.

That's the freak that broke into my room.

Yeah, baby!

Feeling sick? Stubbed your toe? Call this lawyer. I'll fix your woe.

Agony is my business. I'll fight for you!

Even you, Mitch.

Excuse me.

Did you... Did you hear my name mentioned?

No. Good!

Tammy. Are you all right? Stay away from me!

What happened? What's wrong? Nothing happened. Nothing's wrong.

Just business as usual.

What did he do to you? Tell me what he did.

It's what he tried to do, okay?

It's not like this is the first time this has happened to me.

It's just that this time, along with everything else, I got fired.

So let's just forget it.

No. I'm not gonna forget it. And neither are you.

If we let him get away with it, he'll do it again to somebody else.

And I don't know about you, but I'm not gonna let that happen.

Praise the Lord!

And send in your money!

Otherwise, you're all doomed to hellfire and damnation for fornicatin' with the devil's harlot.

Especially you, Mitch. You're a prime offender.

That just sounded like my name. No.

No? No.

The signs point to a tragedy about to happen.

Casino owner dies in a bed of lies.

That was my name, right? Yes!

Oh, shit.

What the hell is happening here?

No, no! You freak. Get off of me!

Oh!

Where the hell is that asshole? Come on!

A dream. This is a bad dream.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

You'll get what's due when I electrocute you!

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY) (CIRCUITS SCRAMBLING)

(SCREAMING)

Scott, um...

Thank you.

Mitch. Sir?

My God!

TAMMY: Oh, Scott!

Where's me shilling?

You again? What?

Now, me boyo, it's time to cut you down to size.

Who are you?

(GRUNTS)

Let's get out of here.

Mitch, I want my money, and I want my money now.

What the hell's going on here?

You're in a lot of trouble, pal.

Out of me way! Hey! Stay there.

I know you. You're that guy from the craps table.

You know, you really ought to go see a dermatologist or something.

That's really bad.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

(GROANING)

(CACKLING)

That really hurt.

We dance.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Tell me, what was Judy Garland really like?

They should have been willing to give me me shilling.

But I've done well by sending them to hell!

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

What are we gonna do? He's a monster.

Nobody's gonna believe us if we tell them what we've seen!

(GROANING)

Scott, what's wrong?

I don't know.

My insides. It's like everything's twisted up.

Oh, my God! What is it? What's wrong?

Your face! I'm in trouble, Tammy.

Help me!

Scott, we gotta get out of here.

Like you said, who's gonna believe us?

I don't know...

That's where it all happened.

Where? At the pawn shop across the street.

That's where I found the coin. I think that's where the answer is.

Let's go check it out.

I smell me shilling.

And the gentle fragrance of a lady's perfume.

Let it work, let it work, let it work.

Let me be beautiful.

Give me the body of a stacked 20-year-old.

Please.

I wanna be sexy and beautiful again.

I wish.

Oh! Yeah!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Enter.

Loretta?

That's right, sweetheart.

Little ol' me.

Didn't I tell you one of these days I was gonna turn it around?

But how? Magic.

All I had to do was wish for it.

Pretty. Yours?

(EXHALES)

Man, oh, man, oh, mano-schewitz!

Look at those tits!

I wish I was a man so I could just screw myself right to the floor.

And I dare you to feel that ass, Fazio. That's prime.

All you had to do was wish for it? You got it!

Thanks! You! Give that back to me!

You give it back! Give it back right now!

Thanks for the loan, Loretta. I owe you.

You flaming faggola!

But since there's a mirror in the room, I might as well just stick around and enjoy it.

All right, this had better work.

I wish...

I wish that I was the greatest magician in the world!

I am just so damn gorgeous.

They're gonna want me like they never wanted anybody before.

And I'm gonna make 'em pay.

Who the hell are you?

I'm a leprechaun, me lass, and I'm gonna make you pay.

What do you want?

Your boobs are big, your butt is small, but still you're in for quite a fall.

What are you talking about? What, didn't you hear?

Bigger is good, but jumbo is dear.

I'll give you boobs that come out to here.

(LAUGHING)

My babies!

What are you doing to my babies?

Those delightful lips, they'll get you some tips.

But what about these? Aren't they big enough to please?

(SCREAMS) No! What are you doing?

A delightful little slut. But what about your butt?

(SCREAMING)

You little monster!

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(GROANING)

Feels like rain!

Now that was quite a load to have to explode.

What a lovely lass. I had to blow up your ass.

But now I must hit the road.

That's where I found the poor guy lying.

And you think the leprechaun did it? Who else?

Now, there was something on the computer about gold coins and wishes.

Finding the leprechaun's gold is hard to do.

He sometimes keeps it in his hat, or hides it in the loo.

That's a big help.

If you destroy his gold, you destroy the leprechaun, but mortals can never resist the power of gold.

To them, being rich is more important than doing what needs to be done.

No way. We find that gold, we're getting rid of it.

Oh, no! How can you say that, darling? What?

I didn't say that. Did I?

Oh!

What's wrong?

Get it out of sight!

What is it? Just get it out!

Okay. Is that better?

Yeah. I'm okay, I...

I feel so weird.

Look, Scott, I think we should just get in your car and get out of here, while we still can. I can't.

You need to see a doctor.

Not yet.

There's something here, something I need or want very badly.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe you should go.

No way. I'm not leaving you, Scott.

Wow!

Look at all this stuff.

Yeah, it's like a junkyard in here.

Spooky.

What exactly are we looking for?

I'm not sure. Some clue as to what happened to me.

(SNIFFING)

Wait here, darlin'. I think I'm onto somethin'.

(SNIFFING)

I can smell it!

Delicious!

(LOCK CLICKS)

Ah!

Isn't it lovely?

A pot of gold for the taking.

(GASPS)

Scott, you found it! Aye, that I did!

We can destroy it. Remember what the computer said?

If we destroy the gold, we get rid of the leprechaun once and for all.

Destroy it? Yeah! We have to.

No, lass. We need to study it.

Aye. We need to look at what jingles and jangles.

For science, you know, is the study of angles.

Scott! What is happening?

Nothing. Nothing, my beauty, nothing at all. I'm just being sensible.

No, you're not!

Don't take a leprechaun's gold!

Not if you want to live to be ripe and old.

You're hurting me! Am I?

Wow.

What happened?

I don't know, but don't let it happen again, because you're scaring me to death.

If anyone's scared to death, then it'll be me doing the scaring.

What...

I don't like what I'm seeing.

Two leprechauns is one too many, lad.

Scott! The gold! The gold! Make a wish. Wish him dead.

All right, little monster!

I wish you were encased in cement at the bottom of the ocean!

Oh, no, please! Anything but that!

Ya silly little twit!

Have you forgotten the charm?

A leprechaun's gold can do him no harm.

Scott!

So, for pulling this trick, I'll chop off your dick!

Oh, me little darling!

(GRUNTS)

Nice pitch. Come on!

I pitch for the Vegas All-Stars.

Oh, me achin' noggin!

When I catch up with those two I'll give them a good scragging.

(GROANS)

Oh, no, Scott! Starting again? Yeah.

My insides...

I feel like I'm being torn apart.

Oh, no!

Scott, we're going to the hospital now!

Get in!

You can run, me boyo, but you can't hide!

Scott!

What happened? He bit me.

At the casino.

Miss! Miss!

Jesus Christ!

Can we get some help here? What's the trouble here?

What the hell is this?

Get me a gurney. Get this man into isolation, stat!

Come on!

Just wait here, miss. No, I wanna be with him.

Nobody's gonna be with him until we know what the problem is.

Oh, God!

Get out of the road! Eat it.

(SCOTT GROANS)

Looks like some kind of virulent fungus. I've never seen anything like it.

Must be metastasizing down the right quadrant, moving into the lower thoracic area.

Let's get this man on antibiotics right away!

(GROANING)

Hold him, for God's sake! Hold him!

Take it easy, son. We're here to help.

(SIGHS)

MALE DOCTOR: Give him another sedative, damn it!

Now listen to me!

This may mean the difference between living and dying.

Do you have health insurance?

Do you take Green Cross?

Good God!

Forktus glottis!


What the hell is taking them so long?

LEPRECHAUN: (ON PA) Tammy Larsen, please report to the morgue.

Oh, no!

Tammy Larsen, please report to the morgue.

Doctor, look at this!

That's his blood? What the hell is going on?

Bring me his encephalogram.

Really?

Where's his EKG?

If this is some sort of joke, I don't find it at all amusing.

Well, maybe he doesn't need health insurance.

Wow! Should I order a few more tests, Doctor?

Well, let's see...

He can afford an MRI, and let's give him a couple more EKGs, and he can use a spinal tap. Maybe a bone scan?

All right. Let's just start with every test that begins with the letter A, tomorrow we'll do the B's and Thursday... You play golf on Thursday.

Well, this is an emergency.

Hello?

Hello?

(DOOR SHUTS)

Is anybody here?

Hello?

Hello? Sir?

Excuse me?

Sir?

Excuse me, sir...

(SCREAMING)

Oh, God! No!

Let me go, you son of a bitch!

Now, that's no way to speak about me mother, bless her greedy soul.

Now, me boyos, I'll be checking out!

Take care of the patient!

An angel of mercy!

Nurse! Sedate this patient!

(STRAINED GRUNTS)

Ah!

Now that's what I call managed health care.

What's that I smell?

Would it be me brother from hell?

Right. Now that you're in place, I'll slice up your face.

Oh, no! Scott! Scott, help me! Please!

Now don't be afraid, lass. I'll only remove the front part.

Oh, no, please!

I want me shilling!

I don't have it. I swear, I don't have it.

What a pity.

Wait. I don't suppose you want that nose... There will be no charge for removing it.

No! No! No!

Cut her nose and I'll hack off your toes!

Back off, you renegade, before I make you eat that blade!

Power to power, you've much to learn, taller or shorter, I'll make you burn.

Oh!

Now where's me shilling?

Fazio's the one with your shilling! It's him you should be killing!

Fazio's magic, pathetic and lame, will soon turn tragic and me shilling I'll claim!

(SCOTT SCREAMS)

Leave him alone. You've got what you want.

No, me dear, you shall not pass. I'll raise me boot and kick your...

(SCREAMING)

Put it away!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Burning Beauty!

A new illusion I have just developed!

Now, for the first time on any stage, our lovely volunteer from the audience trapped inside a burning hell.

Will she come out alive?

Or medium-well?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

SCOTT: He's going after the shilling.

Fazio has it.

I've got to destroy him to save meself.

Is that possible? Will that work?

I feel it. I'm part of whatever he is.

Well, maybe we won't have to destroy him.

If we can find the shilling, we can wish you back to normal.

Listen to me. I don't want you going in with me.

When we get to the casino, you drop me off.

I want you to get out of there. Go someplace. Someplace safe.

No!

We started this together.

We're gonna finish it that way.

And now, a word of warning.

If any of you in the audience are the least bit squeamish, I suggest you leave the theater.

Fazio's illusions are very, very real!

(LAUGHS) (CROWD APPLAUDING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Who the hell are you? No reason for alarm.

Just give me the coin and you'll come to no harm.

It'd be a cold day in hell before I give up this coin, pal, so why don't you take a hike before I call security?

You're making a mistake. As a magician, you're a pathetic fake.

(GROANING)

Scott, hang on! We're almost there!

Hang on!

Get me out of this thing. Do you hear me? Get me out!

A pleasure it'll be to get you out, and set you free with this!

(WHIRRING)

With Fazio the Great, we've had a good laugh.

Shall I start up this saw and cut him in half?

Yeah or nay?

CROWD: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

No! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

No, no, no!

My audience, no! No, you love me! You love me! No!

I can't hear you, me dears!

FAZIO: No!

Oh, no!

Now, me boyo, where's me shilling?

You're bluffing! There's a whole room full of witnesses.

Oh, too bad!

Forcing me to split in two a nice young lad such as you.

(WHIRRING)

I wish I was in Caesar's Palace right now!

No, lad. You've had your wish.

Now I'll have mine.

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY) (WHIRRING)

(FAZIO SCREAMING)

This way!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)


Caesar's Palace...

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Listen to me, everybody! This man's a maniac.

For your own safety, get out of the room!

Come on, everybody, out, hurry!

Out!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Hurry, hurry! Oh, God!

Scott! The shilling! I wish Scott was...

No wish for you, darling. (STRAINED GRUNTS)

Now I'll peel you like a grape.

Hold it!

Now wait, lad. What are you doing? We're brothers.

I don't think so.

Scott, come over to the green side. I'll make you rich.

There it is, yours for the taking. You'll share nothing!

I know how you are, you're only bluffing.

Trust me, lad, one devilish creature to another.

That's me boy. We're alike, me and you. Evil as hell all the way through.

No, Scott!

He's not like you!

Don't listen to him.

She's right!

I'm not like you. I'll never be like you!

Put it down, lad, you can't hurt me. You should know that by now.

Think of the gold, Scott, the power it can give you.

The gold, Scott. His power lies in the gold.

We'll share it, I promise.

Share this, pal!

(SCREAMING) No, not me gold!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Scott! Scott!

Oh, my God! You're back!

You're normal again.

I can't believe it!

I can't wait to get out of here and leave this nightmare behind.

Well, we won't be leaving it all behind.

What do you mean?

I found this.

What do you think?

We can have just about anything we want.

It's your call.

I don't know, I think I have everything I want.

(COIN SPLASHING IN FOUNTAIN)

You know something, sweetheart?

This could be the beginning