Lethal Weapon 4 (1998) Script

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MURTAUGH: Riggs, you sure we're on the right street?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

We must be getting warm.

-You see anything? -Where? I don't see anything.

This must be the place.

Holy shit!

What the hell is that?

Jesus.

Who's this joker?

I don't know. A spokesman for the NRA.

Regular asshole. What do we do now?

Run him over.

What if he shoots us with that rifle?

-He hasn't yet. Maybe he won't. -What if he does?

Don't be a Don't-Bee. Be a Do-Bee. Be positive.

MURTAUGH: Positive?

-Let's run him over. -Glad you see things my way.

I hope he doesn't turn around.

He won't. We'll creep up on him slow so he won't notice.

Yeah. Okay.

RIGGS: Will him not to turn. Power of positive thinking.

Don't turn. Come on, will him with me.

-Will him? -Don't turn around.

-l need you, man. Don't turn around. MURTAUGH: Don't turn around.

-Just believe. -Don't turn around!

We're better than him.

We're better!

He's turning.

I was wrong, l was wrong. Get down, get down.

They just bounce right off him!

I saw. We're in trouble, man!

Shit. I'll draw his fire. You run for cover.

No, I'll draw his fire. You run for cover.

Are you out of your mind? You got a wife, kids. l got less to lose!

-Hey, Riggs. -Get going, Rog. Get out of here!

Riggs, l wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Lorna's pregnant.

-You're gonna be a father. -Get going. Get--

What'd you say?

You're gonna be a father! Riggs....

[GUNSHOTS]

[SIREN WAILlNG lN DlSTANCE]

She was afraid to tell you. She was afraid you'd get angry.

You never talked about children?

-Shit. -A baby.

There's something l'm not supposed to tell you too.

What?

Rianne's pregnant. You're gonna be a grandfather.

Rianne's what?

But Rianne can't be pregnant.

She's not married.

Well, l don't think she intended to get that way.

They asking me to be a granddaddy?

Mm-hm. Yeah.

[ON RADlO] --a fire In the hole Son of a--

[GUNSHOTS]

Here's what we'll do. Take your clothes off.

-What the hell for? -What for?

-Yeah. -Okay, you run.

Flame-O here turns, sees you in your undies.

It distracts him, and that's when l shoot.

-Shoot what? -The valve on that napalm tank!

Before he shoots me?

-Maybe. -Maybe?

Is he black?

Too much armor on. I can't tell!

No! Not him! The father of the baby!

-Okay. -Please let him be black!

Fire in the hole

RIGGS: Get going! Here he comes!

Are those little hearts?

Not now, Riggs. Just hit the damn valve!

Okay. Also, flap your arms and make noises like a bird.

Flap my arms? Why?

It'll distract him more.

-l need him to turn. -All right, all right.

-On two! -We always go on three.

No time for three. Go. Two!

MURTAUGH: What about one? -Okay. One, two, get going!

I don't want to die in my underwear!

[MURTAUGH CLUCKlNG]

Why are you waiting for? Shoot the bastard!

Shoot him, shoot him!

[SCREAMlNG]


RIGGS: Incoming!

Whew.

Riggs, you think that bird thing helped? You think it helped?

No, no, I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

[RlGGS LAUGHING]

Cute shorts.

Go spit, Riggs!

RIGGS: Come on, l'll buy you a doughnut.

Don't put your arms around me when l'm naked.

Well, surely you're ashamed of your butt.

RIGGS: He's a lively one.

MURTAUGH: That shark damages my new boat, l'll take it out on you, Leo.

LEO: I didn't mean to catch it. RIGGS: What do you want to keep it for?

MURTAUGH: Yeah, why keep a shark anyway?

The teeth'll look great on a wall.

-They gotta stop snapping first. LEO: Maybe he'll fall asleep.

Go down, converse with him. He'll nod off.

-He don't look tired. -Maybe chewing on Leo will wear him out.

You think sharks eat their own kind?

[RlGGS & MURTAUGH LAUGHING]

Oh, stop it. You guys got me in stitches.

[LAUGHlNG]

Okay, where's my bag?

Starboard side aft.

Starboard, that's left, right?

No, port's left. Starboard's right.

-Yeah, right. -Yeah, right.

Right, yeah. Right side aft. Got it!

-Whatever. -Check both sides. You'll find it.

Careful! He's behind you, shark!

[RlGGS HUMS THEME FROM "JAWS"]

Maybe we should throw him overboard.

MURTAUGH: Throw them both overboard. Boy.

RIGGS: No witnesses out here tonight. We'd probably get away with it.

[MURTAUGH GROANS]

You too?

I kept my nose out of it...

...but you and Lorna.

You're having a baby, you're living together.

You're not getting married.

Why, does that violate your family values system or something?

No, I'm just trying to understand.

Rianne's not married either.

Okay, okay. That's hitting below the belt.

You know, when l was married...

...it was good. You know.

You put the ring on. You make the commitment.

You do all the....

She's dead because l'm a cop.

She's dead because l'm a cop and l....

I don't wear the ring anymore...

...but l look down, it's still there.

I still feel it.

And, l don't know, it's like I'm not finished with that yet.

I don't know how to explain it. Is that bullshit?

No. It's not finished.

It's not finished. Yeah.

Okay, you did say "aft"?

A-F-T. Aft!

That's a fucking word?

In the back of the cabin on the right side, Leo!

Why didn't you say that to begin with, Roger?!

People get around boats and water, everything becomes fucking nautical!

"Astern! Avast, you landlubbers!

Man the bilge pump!"

Pump your fucking ass!

All right, all right, all right.

Okay, okay, okay.

No problem, no problem!

What's Lorna say about this?

She doesn't like nautical terms either.

-Huh? -We haven't discussed it.

That's pretty messed up.

The baby's due in days and you guys haven't talked about getting married?

No.

I haven't done it at all.

[GUN CLlCKS]

Do we want Leo to shoot the shark?

Do we want Leo to shoot--? Hey, hey! No, Leo!

LEO: What? Hey, hey.

-What's the big deal? -You're shooting a gun on my boat!

I'm not shooting your boat, I'm shooting Jaws.

Nobody's killing it. l'm not letting a good animal die so you can have its teeth.

Sure getting grumpy since you found out you're gonna be a grandpa.

RIGGS: Get off of me, will you?

Don't fool around!

This is some piece of hardware. You got a permit?

-l'm a P.I. now. Of course l do. -A P what?

A P.l., a gumshoe! You get in ugly situations. l got guns, everything.

You are an ugly situation.

Permit or no permit, you don't deserve this. You're not safe.

[GUNSHOT]

MURTAUGH: Smart move, Riggs.

Shit!

[GUNSHOTS]

Hard right, Rog.

LEO: They're gonna hit us. RIGGS: You hear shots?

MURTAUGH: Coast Guard, this is Code 7.

[MURTAUGH SPEAKING lNDISTINCTLY]

We're in L.A. Harbor. Over.

-We gotta go. Come on, Rog. MURTAUGH: Code 7.

They're getting away!

LEO: Who was it? Do we know?

No, no, I'll drive!

-Want me to help? -Get out of here!

This your gun?

Yeah, you want some laser surgery?

Hey, hey! You could blind somebody!

Coast Guard, this is Code 7, in pursuit of freighter.

Heading north.

Awaiting instructions. Over.

MAN [OVER RADlO]: Code 7, this is U.S. Coast Guard. Maintain your present course.

-We have a cutter en route. RIGGS: Why you slowing down?

We'll hang here. Coast Guard'll be here soon.

RIGGS: What do we do now? MURTAUGH: Show them our badges.

LAPD! LAPD!

RIGGS: Los Angeles Police Department!

We heard gunfire! The Coast Guard's on the--


[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

MURTAUGH: Coast Guard! Freighter's on fire!

-Let's board them. -What are you talking about?

Fire on the freighter!

MURTAUGH: Okay, l'm upside. Now what do you do?

They're getting away. Get me up there!

[ALARM BEEPlNG]

LEO: Hell of a fishing trip!

MURTAUGH: Shut up and keep your head down!

LAPD! LAPD!

Stop where you are! Hold it right there!

LEO: He's got it! He's got it!

[RlGGS SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

LEO: What'd he say? MURTAUGH: He said watch his back.

Why didn't you tell me you were gonna shoot?

Tie it up!

What?

Pull it up!

That was great, wasn't it?

I told you to keep the boat closer!

[BOTH STAMMERlNG]

What are you listening to Leo for?

Oh, shit.

You all right, Riggs?

Wow. Look at that.

Oh, shit.

Jump! Jump!

LEO: Where are you?

My boat! My new boat!

-Hey, Rog. -What?

-The shark. -What about the shark?

Oh, shark!

LEO: Don't leave me!

[GRUNTlNG]

Come on, Leo!

MURTAUGH: Hurry up! LEO: I'm coming!

You can make it, Leo.

This is all l got left.

And since l met Riggs, I've had my house destroyed...

[THUMP]

...my car wrecked and now my boat sunk.

What's left?

LEO: I think that's about it.

MAN: Four sets of papers, totally genuine.

They'll get in the country and they'll be able to stay forever.

U.S. citizens.

Ask them to vote the incumbent party next election.

Help me keep my State Department job.

Bloody marvelous!

They've red-flagged the Asian visas lately. Those weren't so easy to slip through.

[IN CHlNESE]

Something wrong?

[IN ENGLlSH] A small delivery problem, Mr. Proody.

Goodbye.

Leave!

[IN CHlNESE]

[TRAIN HORN BLOWlNG lN DlSTANCE]

[BELL DINGlNG]

[YELLS]

[SCREAMS]


Coast Guard interdicts about one of these a month.

Pretty raggedy-looking.

INS AGENT: Six weeks locked in a hole with one toilet.

Rice and a little fish to eat. Lousy deal for 35 grand a head.

Thirty-five grand. Where'd they get that kind of money?

Didn't. Got to work it off from the snakeheads, the smugglers.

-They sell them as cheap labor. -Sell them?

Like slaves.

I guess these must be the lucky ones.

INS AGENT: They'll claim asylum. Say they were persecuted, like everybody else.

We'll send them packing. Cost you and me a goddamn fortune.

What happened to, "Bring me your tired, your poor...

...your wretched masses, yearning to be free"?

Now it reads, "No vacancies."

I guess your parents were Native Americans.

They pop one every boatload.

Shows the rest what'll happen if they run off or don't pay.

At least he's nobody's slave now.

Come on. Don't coddle them, move them!

We're on the boat and I see this barrel coming down.

Murtaugh didn't see it, so l push him out of the way.

Big guy. l knock him over. We're in the water.

I pull him because he doesn't swim good. I gotta save him.

There's that kid. What's his name? Bissel?

-lt's a food. -Burger!

No, Biscuits or something.

He's always kissing my ass, giving me coffee and shit.

Sergeant Riggs, Sergeant Murtaugh. What are you doing here?

-Hell, that's a long story. BUTTERS: Hey, man, you're all wet.

-You need a blanket? MURTAUGH: No, I'm fine.

-Somebody get this man a blanket now! WOMAN: Yes, sir!

BUTTERS: All right.

OFFlCER: Get this body out of here. BUTTERS: Hold up. What do we got here?

Step back, step back.

Shit.

He's dead, man. He's fucking dead, man!

-Shit! -What?

This is how he wanted to come to America?

Was he in the killing section?

-This guy's been shot four times! -Well, yeah.

At close range, like he was executed!

-He was executed. -Yeah, by the crew.

What the fuck, man? People get killed left, right and center in this town!

Now we're importing victims?

Gangbangers wanna kill each other, no problem.

You and me, one of us gets shot, hey, occupational hazard.

But just a normal guy, this fucking guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody?

-That ain't right. -Easy, Biscuits.

You'll get an ulcer like this, kid. Settle down.

BUTTERS: Blanket!

-Sorry, Blankets. -Here's your blanket.

Sorry, l'm losing my head.

I just hate to see bad things happen to good folk.

We'd like to stick around and shoot the breeze, Butler, but you're in charge so--

You should take this, it's free. You're all wet.

-Get some vapor rub on your chest. MURTAUGH: All right, Boogers.

REPORTER: Sir, over here! -Hey, get them out of here!

Get them out of here!

Yeah, yeah. He takes the job kind of personally.

Personally? Yeah, he's pretty serious, I'd say. Overzealous.

-Emotionally-- -Jealous of who?

-l don't know. Who? -You just said he was jealous.

-l didn't-- -You just said--

No, I said he was zealous. Full of zeal.

-He's loud too. -What?

-He's loud! -What?

We better get up before the sun's up.

I got something in the lifeboat.

That's okay, see you tomorrow. I'll catch a squad ride. Hey, Rog.

I'm sorry about your boat.

Riggs.

-l'm sorry. -Shit.

All of a sudden, this big fucking shark comes-- Can I say that?

You can say it, but we can't air it.

So this big darn shark comes along....

Shit. My Code 7.

[PERSON COUGHlNG]


-Hey! Hey. WOMAN: Hey.

-You were coming home last night. -l know, l'm sorry.

I had some bad Chinese.

You look a little banged up.

You look a little knocked up.

[LORNA LAUGHS]

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

-You sure? -Yeah.

Whoa. Easy, tiger! There he goes again.

She. There she goes again.

You okay?

I'm good. I'm better than Roger. His boat sank.

LORNA: No. Boat sank? -l had something to do with it.

No! No grease!

RIGGS: Have some cookies. -What happened?

RIGGS: What happened?

Gunfights, explosions, sharks. The usual.

Here, boy.

Oh. Thanks.

You were out fishing. l mean, does trouble just go looking for you?

Well, it seems to know pretty much where l am most of the time.

You finished the nursery.

Yeah, l did.

I figured it was good for a girl or a boy. Cute, huh?

RIGGS: lt's a dogfest. Did you get the whole 1 01 ?

I know. I got a little carried away with puppies.

Kid'll probably hate dogs.

You know, Lorna, we never ever talked about marriage.

Well, l sort of figured you didn't want that.

You want to get married?

Well, no.

Me neither.

You want some breakfast?

Yeah. Yeah.

Serve and Protect.

Since when do you read this smut?

-lt's not smut, it's Ebony Clark. -Ebony Clark.

Trish gave it to me.

"Every fiber in his being desired her.

He devoured her with his eyes."

Hey. Can we try this thing on page 1 96 sometime?

Whew.

There's a good one on 1 68. Maybe later.

Nothing comes between a pregnant lady and a meal.

Have l ever "made your womanhood reach peaks...

...that would rival the highest Himalayas"?

-Foothills of Malibu, maybe. -Not even a Teton?

-l don't think so. -Thanks.

I thought I'd at least rate the Rockies.

Well, you know l'm kidding.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, I'm not. No, l'm not.

You know I'm playing.

I've been to plenty of mountaintops with you, Riggs.

It's just that l'm hungry.

When you have that kid, we'll blow up Mount Saint Helens.

-l brought you a doughnut. -A doughnut. Police food.

How did you know?

I dropped by lnternal Affairs yesterday.

Really? How's the rat squad?

-l picked something up, good one. -Some cheese?

Oh, yeah. I.A. got an anonymous tip.

The person said Roger's on the take.

No, he's not.

I know he's not. It's probably some jerk he put away.

But with the new boats and putting two kids through college...

...l thought you ought to know.

I actually tried to persuade him to take money.

Oh! Stop it, Riggs! I can't hear that! Nothing!

I won't say anything anymore. I'm kidding.

-That's awful. -l'm kidding.

Don't tell him l said it. He's got enough problems...

...he'll blow his top, it'll be awful. Just don't say anything.

What do you mean?

Like what?

-ln general, problems. -You mean something specific.

I got a nose for these things. Come on, tell me. What?

No, you know, you're pushing me. I don't want you to go there.

Get it off your chest. You'll feel better. Tell me.

I won't leave you alone till you tell me.

LORNA: Son of a bitch. -Tell me.

I'll tell you. Pregnancy destroyed my brain cells! I can't believe l said that!

What? What?

-l'm drooling. What? -Oh, Riggs.

Okay. Promise me, swear to me that you'll never say a word about this ever.

-l swear, I swear. -Right hand!

I swear l won't, ever.

I promise. What?

You know how Roger is about his daughter dating cops.

He'd kill them. So?

Rianne married one, he's her baby's father. She's too afraid to tell Roger.

They met, fell in love. She got pregnant, they got hitched.

And nobody's telling Roger about this?

After the baby's born, Riggs.

You mean it's a package deal? Here it is, take it or leave it? Ha, ha, ha.

-Does Trish know about this? -Yeah, she knows.

She doesn't know you know. But Trish knows.

Who's the lucky soon-to-be-dead son-in-law?

Riggs.

-Who? -Sergeant Lee Butters.

Oh. Oh. This just gets better and better! No wonder he sucks up to Rog.

Brings him apples, blankets, coffee....

Okay, okay. Not a word. I'm telling you, nothing.

You kidding? l won't tell. He'd shoot me just for being the messenger.

He's my best friend. lt'd be wrong to mess with him. I promise. I won't.

Promise.

LORNA: We don't have to discuss boys' names, period, because we're having a girl.

Okay. Piadora.

-l like Piadora. That's sweet. -Yeah?

[KNOCKlNG]

-Can't live with that. -l love that name.

We're talking kids' names. Has Rianne picked any out?

Need all the help we can get. We don't want to double up.

Oscar for the boy, Loreen if it's a girl.

I like Lee Butter. Better! l like it better.

-Don't get me started. LORNA: I like those names.

MURTAUGH: Captain wants to see us downtown.

Trish'll be right down. Have fun shopping for the baby.

RIGGS: Bye-bye, honey. -Yeah.

Who had the sleepover?

Just airing out camping gear.

-We're out of here. -Wow. Something smells good.

LORNA: Really good!

Trish has food on the stove. We're out of here.

That smells like Chinese food.

MURTAUGH: Chinese food?

She's into Chinese cooking.

RIGGS: I gotta see this. Can l taste?

-l love Chinese food. MURTAUGH: Hold it! Please, Lorna.

Please.

There's a Chinese person in the kitchen.

I saw him.

A couple of Chinese people.

Actually a whole family.

Large family.

-Oh. Hey, guys! What's up? -Hey.

-Hello. MURTAUGH: Yeah.

-lt does smell good. -Great.

-They were hiding in the lifeboat. -They were?

MURTAUGH: With what the lNS guy said, I had to do something.

-So you brought them home. -lt took two trips.

-Really? -They fit in the station wagon?

That's Ping with his grandfather, Hong.

He's head of the family. Speaks pretty good English.

Hong, this is my partner, Martin Riggs, and Lorna.

Wife?

No.

Rog, can l speak to you?

CARRlE: Lorna, this is the best breakfast.

I'm hungry. l'd love some.

Are you out of your mind? This is illegal. As in, "against the law."

You'll bring a shitstorm down on you.

Just hold on! Just wait a frigging minute!

The way l see it, those are slave ships out there.

And l'm freeing slaves, I'm freeing slaves...

...like no one did for my ancestors. Okay?

Riggs, it's my chance to do something and do it right.

Why didn't you say so? This is not gonna be boring.

Need any help?

Okay.

Where is he?

Hey, Daddy.

What is it this time, food or money?

-Food and money. -Money.

I see you more than when you lived here.

We're independent now.

Okay, okay. What's the money for?

-Hookers, drugs-- -Contraceptives.

Can you believe they talk to their father like this?

-Better than their parole officer. CARRlE: lt costs more to go to school now.

Me first, me first.

I get the tuition bills. And the grades too.

Consider this a down payment on a future ass-chewing.

Get out of here and go to school. I wanna see some grades.

I see the tuition.

I want to see some grades! I want more cluck for my buck.

NICK: Thanks for the money.

-Oh, boy. -l'm tired.

Me, l can't win.

Boy!

Did we get a raise and nobody told me about it?

Heh, heh. I got to get to the bank.

How can you when you're taken to the cleaners all the time?

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

-Hey, Trish. -Hey, babe.

-Those the kids leaving? -Yes. And we're broke.

Is Lorna here?

Yeah. She's in the kitchen, probably on her third breakfast.

I remember those days.

-Oh, Martin, l'm sorry. -l love it when you do that.

-You look terrific. -Thank you.

Wait till she starts trying to raise that baby by herself.

Daddy, l'll be fine.

Move back in and Grandpa Rog will be up all night with the baby.

Better than her marrying the wrong guy.

Well, you know, a cop or something.

True.

Come on, guys. See you.

-l should say goodbye. TRlSH: Hey, Lorna.

MURTAUGH: Hurry up.

RIGGS: Oh, yeah. Stuffing your face.

Stop kissing me. Try that.

You stay away from my girl.

I'm not joking. Stay away from my girl.

-Joking. -Bye! Got the baby beeper?

RIGGS: Yeah.

-l know. -lt's your fault.

It's your fault. All the chicken shit.

Flapping all over the place.

All right, everybody!

It's been a year almost already, okay? This shit ain't funny no more!

-All right? Enough is enough! -Please! Enough.

I'm the one that gets it in the neck. Can we exercise a little maturity around here?

If l find who's doing this, I'll kick his ass.

What asshole is doing this?

Riggs, l catch that asshole who put my picture up, that's it!

That's it.

RIGGS: Cut their balls off. -Captain.

Hey, captain.

MURPHY: I look out expecting to see all the old faces.

Instead, l see a bunch of kids whose names I barely remember.

Will you sit down? We're dinosaurs headed for extinction.

Speak for yourself.

We're making way for the new police:

Guys with guns and psychology degrees, like Butters out there.

-Biter has a psychology degree? -More like a psycho degree.

Hell, I got nothing against it. Times have got to change.

I once got shot by a hot-rodder with a zip gun.

That's how far back I go.

You wanted to see us about something?

Some things don't change.

-Here we go. MURPHY: The department lost its insurance.

All the damage you've done, they can't get a new one...

...while you two guys are still running around.

They can't fire you either.

So they're promoting you.

-Heh. -Eh.

-Lieutenant. MURPHY: There's no open lieutenant spots.

So the chief used his special privilege, he's making you captains.

-Better. -Captain.

Time was when this would send me over the falls. I'm getting old.

So, what the hell we do now?

I don't know, captain shit.

-Hang out. MURTAUGH: Take long lunches.

Yell, "Riggs, Murtaugh, I'm the captain."

MURTAUGH: "Chief's shitting bricks, man." -You finished? You finished?

Think you can stay off the streets and out of trouble?

Absolutely.

-Captain Riggs. -Captain Murtaugh.

[LAUGHlNG]

RIGGS: All right, hey. -Hey, this is--

MURPHY: Hey.

You want your badges? Let me see those sergeant badges. Give me those.

-Throw them over here. RIGGS: Never liked it.

-Here. -Give me those.

This is one of the most painful fucking experiences of my life.

-Now get out of here. -Thank you, captain.

-Thank you, captain. -Thank you, captain.

-Captain, after you. -After you, captain.

Enough with the "captain" shit. Get out of here.

After you, captain, l insist! "O Captain! My Captain!"

-Captains outrageous! -News travels fast.

Get a break from real police work. Play golf, tennis....

[SINGlNG] They got brown rings ALL: Around their noses Now that you're captains, come up in the chopper for a ride.

-Not for me. RIGGS: l'll take a rain check.

-lf you change your mind, call us. -He's down-to-earth kind of guy.

Aw.

I'm sorry.

Can we knock this shit off, please? This is your captain speaking.

-Can we knock it off, please? Okay? -Jesus.

The man's got feelings, you know?

[PEOPLE LAUGHlNG]

BUTTERS: Hey, congratulations. Look at you.

Captain Murtaugh.

I don't really know how to say this, but you really inspire me.

Keep it up.

RIGGS: How's it going, Burton?

-lt's Butters, captain. -Yeah. I'll remember that.

-Kid really likes you. -l wish he'd cut that shit out.

He likes me?

-Likes me? -What?

No. You don't think he likes me, likes me, likes me...

-...likes me like that? -Oh.

This is not the military, it's the police force.

The millennium's creeping up on us.

The captain said, "New people, new department."

-Dr. Woods? WOODS: Yes.

Oh. Captain Riggs.

-Don't run. -l'm in a rush.

-l need to talk to you. -Do you? Ah. What is it this time?

Recurring dreams about flying dwarfs?

-Or did you cook up something new? -l'm sorry about all that.

I wanted your advice. I was thinking of--

-Thinking? -Marriage.

[LAUGHS]

Marriage? The "M" word?

Does "confidentiality" mean anything to you?

That's funny.

You know what would happen? We'd go in my office...

-...and you know what you'd tell me? -What?

You'd tell me something like, "Doc...

...l want to marry Murtaugh."

Or your mother maybe. Or how about Nelson Mandela?

Nelson Mandela?

Something to ridicule me, Riggs.

Something to get a rise out of me.

Listen carefully.

I'm not stupid.

And my time is reserved...

...for police officers with real needs and real problems.

Have you got that?

-Have you? -Run it by me again?

No. And you know what?

I don't like you.

RIGGS: Stephanie?

I can't go out with you. I'm in a relationship. l'm very happy.

I think you need to see someone.

You'll find someone someday who'll love you.

Not in this department. But stop bothering me!

WOODS: You're disgusting!

What's the matter with you people?

What's shaking?

-Captain Riggs. -Captain Murtaugh.

You're supposed to turn around and do that. We're captains.

Heard you were up to your ass in Chinese.

The taller ones come up to the navel.

They were short, but big enough to kick your ass. What can l do for you?

One of the ship's crew shot one of the illegals, apparently under orders...

...and we'd dearly like to know who's smuggling Chinese these days.

We got no hard evidence, but we're pretty sure the big boss is Benny Chan.

MURTAUGH: Uncle Benny?

-You know him? RIGGS: Yeah.

-Back when he was running smack. -We never nailed him either.

Benny's slippery.

Where's he hanging out these days?

He's got a nightclub, couple restaurants.

He operates mainly out on North Broadway. Here's the address.

-Hi, fellas. MAN: Riggs.

There he is. Hey, Burger! Uh, Summers.

BUTTERS: Butters.

What you got on the freighter homicide?

I'm all over it. I talked to some illegals. They only knew the shooter by sight.

Checked out the boat.

Turns out the boat's registered under a dummy corporation out of Indonesia.

It'll be a rough one to crack, but we'll nail them.

You ever hear of Benny Chan?

Benny Chan. No. What kind of bad man is he?

Real bad. Big crime boss in Chinatown.

If it's dirty and Chinese, Benny's doing it.

Where do l find him?

At this restaurant.

I'm hungry for Chinese, Rog. How about you?

Since we're going there anyway, we'll drive you.

Chinese? Let me get my jacket.

-Riggs, not with him. -The kid's doing a good job.

We might need backup.

Spend time with him. You might learn to love him.

Like a son.

-A son? -ln law...

...enforcement it pays to know your fellow officer.

He might have to back you up one day.

[MURTAUGH CLEARS THROAT]

Sir, let me just say, it'll be an honor to share some egg rolls with you.

Yeah, all right. Let's go.

Share?

Butters, it seems like you hate crime in a sort of personal way.

-lf you don't mind me saying so. -Why do you say that, sir?

It's just last night I noticed you were more than slightly miffed.

-Wasn't he, Roger? -Yeah, yeah.

Any particular reason?

About 1 50,000 of them.

That's how many bullets zinged around my neighborhood growing up.

Couldn't go outside. Couldn't go near a window.

Lived on the floor, ate on the floor, slept and watched TV on the floor.

I didn't learn how to walk till l was 1 0 years old.

Spent most of my formative years nose-to-nose with the family beagle.

When I work on a crime, I ain't thinking about the crime.

I'm just thinking about that goddamn floor, and it pisses me off.

Hey.

-We supposed to meet Leo somewhere? -No, why?

Because he's following us. Don't look too hard.

BUTTERS: Who's Leo? -Maybe it's a coincidence.

BUTTERS: What does he want? -l don't know. Let's find out.

Yeah. Heh, heh, heh.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

DRIVER: Fucking asshole! LEO: Bite me! Bite me, okay?

Whatever! Whatever! Jerk.

You looking for us, Leo?

-You saw me? MURTAUGH: Yeah, we saw you.

What you doing, Leo?

I've been perfecting my tailing technique now that I'm a P.l. and all.

He's a private eyesore. Nice inconspicuous vehicle. l like it.

Riggs, who's the perp?

-What'd you bust him for? -l'm a perp?

A young brother in back of a police car, automatically l'm a perp?

Look at my suit! Look at my tie! Do I look like the fucking Crips' accountant?

Look at this badge, bitch.

-Check out the gun. -Okay, okay.

Put the gun down. Put the gun down.

License. Registration. Urine sample.

I got a badge too, okay?

German Jews didn't have it any easier when we were kids.

So don't think you're the only one. Okay?

Besides, l knew you were a cop.

I was kidding with you. I can smell a cop a mile away.

Oh, l smell bad? What you trying to say?

Stop turning everything around! You're so damn touchy.

These guys'll tell you. We got a history together.

Maybe we'll work together someday! I'm the bomb! They'll tell you.

We'll work together when I open a cereal shop, you leprechaun!

I didn't call you names, fuckface! Don't start!

Okay? Don't fool around!

-These guys'll tell you everything. -Sir, you're double-parked.

Officer, I'm just talking with the detectives.

-We don't know this guy. MURTAUGH: Yeah.

Think he might've been drinking.

They're kidding. Come back!

I wasn't drinking. They just said that.

Blow your breath in my hand. I can smell it already.

Blow in my fucking ear!

-Okay, okay, okay. OFFlCER: You're all mine. You're mine!


RIGGS: Where's Uncle Benny?

-[IN ENGLlSH] He's not here. RIGGS: ls he in there?

-l'm sure he is. -This way.

RIGGS: Yes, it's a two-way.

We have three people.

The restaurant's over there. Go this way, please.

BUTTERS: They see us, but we can't see them.

-Where's your green card? -That's a racist remark.

I'm a policeman who asked for your green card!

This is not the way.

You're the boss till we get up in his ass.

It'll be fine. Hey, they've refurbished.

-l couldn't stop them. RIGGS: Hey, fellas.

BENNY [lN ENGLISH]: Out, out! -Can l get drink or food?

Uncle Benny! I hope this is a bad time.

-He still hasn't clipped his eyebrows. MURTAUGH: What'd we tell you?

-We hate not disturbing you. -This is Detective Buckles.

Sell any heroin? Kill anyone lately? How's the front--? Restaurant?

Have something to eat. Give you the police discount.

-Flied lice? -Flied lice?

It is fried rice, you plick!

[LAUGHlNG]

I'm very busy. What is it this time?

Tell him, Buttkiss.

Know about a boatload of illegals that went aground last night?

Just what l saw on the news.

Some snakehead lost big money.

Four hundred people at 35 grand. Fourteen million, Uncle Benny.

[RlGGS WHISTLES]

And missed out on making slaves out of them.

You are cops. I thought smuggling Chinese was an INS problem.

We found three bodies full of holes, so now it's a cop problem.

Three dead Chinese?

-Billion more where they came from. RIGGS: That's right, life's cheap.

Problem is, he shot at me and Rog too. That pisses us off.

Heh, heh, heh. Too bad they missed. But still I don't know anything about it.

Hey. Who's he?

Hey. He doesn't look too happy. What's his name?

Who is he? Who's this guy? Is he just appraising your furniture?

He doesn't speak English.

Yeah? Then he doesn't understand words like "scumbag"...

..."eat shit"?

I think he understands good.

Oh.

[WHlSTLlNG]

MURTAUGH: Riggs. -Enter the drag queen.

MURTAUGH: The insurance, remember?

I'm busy. If you have nothing on me, get out.

MURTAUGH: Just know that we're still around.

-l'm on your ass too. -Yeah.

But the door is this way!

RIGGS: This is quicker. This is quicker, really.

See? It's quicker!

Don't forget my 1 0 percent policeman's discount.

[IN ENGLlSH] In Hong Kong, you'd be dead.

-No, not that! Riggs, don't! -No, no, no!

The insurance.... Ah, what the hell?

[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

BENNY: Hurry up!

RIGGS: Try it sometime. Give it a whirl. Not only is it satisfying, it's therapeutic.

-Saves the cost of shrinks. -Bad guys can't call the cops.

-Why not? We're already here! -El Nino.

RIGGS: I know this guy.

That's the captain. Hold it!

[SHOUTS IN CHlNESE]

Hey, Riggs! Remember, no damage!

MURTAUGH: Hold it!

Shit.

LAPD. l'm commandeering your bike. Shit. Here, $200.

Riggs, l'm coming!

Somebody stole your bike!

BUTTERS: Stop!

RIGGS: Police!

MURTAUGH: Out of the way!

RIGGS: Butler! Chase the fast one!

BUTTERS: What, do you have Alzheimer's?

Stop! Freeze!

Stop! Stop in Chinese, motherfucker! Halt!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Out the way! Police!

He's getting away!

Excuse me. Out of the way.

Get down! LAPD!

Stop, you little shit!

Get down! Get the fuck down!

My arm! I didn't do anything!

I got you covered down here!

You got the right to remain silent. So shut the fuck up.

You got the right to an attorney. If you can't afford one...

...we'll provide you with the dumbest fucking lawyer on earth.

If you get Johnnie Cochran, I'll kill you!

Riggs, don't jump! You're going to be a father!

Don't jump!

[YELLS]

Oh, shit. Hold on!

Hold on! I'll get you!

-Riggs, don't move! -Oh, okay. I won't move.

Hold on! I got you!

You'll catch me?

No, I'm not gonna catch you. Wait. l got a Dumpster here.

You didn't do nothing, why you running?

Butters!

-Get over here! -Shit!

RIGGS: Hurry up! -Come on!

MURTAUGH: Hold on, Riggs!

A bit more to the left!

Move this there. Now.

No, the other left!

Make up your mind!

-Couldn't you find something smaller? -lt's the only one l could find!

I got it here. Now, jump on "three."

-Okay. Ready? -Ass first! lt breaks the fall!

Ready. One...

...two, three. Son of a bitch.

Hey, Riggs, you all right?

I should've had him.

Damn right, you should've. Shit.

Hey. Who's your partner?

-Son of a bitch. -l don't have a partner.

The guy you were running with.

I'm a waiter at a restaurant.

You guys pull a gun, try to kill me.

You physically abuse me. I want my lawyer.

You ain't no waiter. lf you're a waiter, what's today's special?

What's today?

BUTTERS: Wednesday. -Yeah, Wednesday.

Sweet and sour pork, barbecue spareribs--

Aw, shut up!

Next time, don't run! Stay still!

Johnnie Cochran!

He fight for me!

[GRUNTlNG]


MAN [ON TV]: --rebellion against his domineering father.

Finally, Mao left home to continue his schooling.

-Sorry, Sergeant Murtaugh. -No, no, no. Sit, please.

And it's Roger.

-lt's your chair. -Sit down. Really, it's fine. Sit.

Want something to drink?

Tequila?

Thank you so much.

From Mexico.

This can't be the first time you had tequila, Hong.

HONG: Yes. -No.

-Bread. -Huh?

Bread.

Toast.

Oh, yeah, toast.

Bread.

[MURTAUGH CHUCKLES]

You know anybody here?

My uncle.

He pay so we can come to America.

You been in contact with him?

No. I leave message.

What's your uncle do?

In China, he's artist.

-An artist? -Yeah.

It's tough leaving home, huh?

In America...

...my children have chance to make good life.

We want the best for our children.

And our grandchildren.

You believe I'm a grandfather?

-That's right. Little Ping. -Oh, yes.

MURTAUGH: You're a grandpa.

Where's the time go?

Oh.

Don't know.

Have no watch.

You have no watch?

Here.

This is my pop's. Take it.

He got it when he retired from the force.

No, no. No, l cannot.

No, no. I want you to have it.

It belonged to a good man. It ought to belong to another good man.

Thank you so much, Roger.

[THUNDER CRASHES]


[GRUNTlNG]

Shit!

No, no, Riggs.

Hold him, hold him.

Push him off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good.

Get him!

What's wrong?

It's the shoulder. lt's the shoulder.

It's an old shoulder injury. I'll have to toss in the towel.

GOMEZ: No problem. Sorry, man. -lt happens periodically.

I was just getting going too. You're lucky, kid.

-You're lucky he didn't kill you. -You owe me a rematch!

GOMEZ: Anytime you want. -l might even train for it.

Better bring your own paramedic too.

-l'll get ice for that shoulder. -Shoulder's okay, Rog.

There's nothing wrong with my shoulder.

I was faking it, Rog.

Faking it?

Gomez was killing me out there. I didn't have anything left.

I told you that kid was good.

He's good, but it's not all him.

I've been feeling it lately. You know the other--

Like, the other night on the ship when that guy nailed me.

And yesterday l couldn't catch him.

Other stuff too. l just thought, I'm out of shape or something.

You know. But it's more than that.

It's like, I hate to say this but--

You're getting too old for this shit.

Yeah.

How about that?

Finally.

No, but I can't be. I mean, l'm only....

-Jesus. -Yeah, you're only.

Can't beat the clock, Riggs.

Wow.

Murphy's right. We're dinosaurs. What'll I do?

Accept it.

Like l do.

-No. Bullshit. -Yeah.

Bullshit. l won't accept it.

I'll will it not to happen.

-Will it? -Yeah.

-Will it? -l'm not too old for this shit.

I'm not too old for this shit. We're not too old for this shit.

BOTH: We're not too old for this shit. We're not too old for--

Say it like you believe it.

BOTH: We're not too old for this shit.

MURTAUGH: We're not too old for this shit.

RIGGS: l'm not gonna buy a hemorrhoid cushion.

-l won't get corns! -l got corns!

I'm not wearing a suit!

What's wrong with wearing a suit?

Hey. How's it going, captain?

[RlGGS LAUGHS]

Thanks a lot, you guys. Very funny.

That cop had me here for an hour and tried to strip-search me.

-You get his phone number? -Ha, ha. Funny.

Sugar-glazed with jelly. Thanks, Leo.

-What happened? The scratches. -A dog.

-A dog? -Dog cut you like that?

Catch you drinking out of his bowl?

Very funny. l'm working on an important P.l. case.

Did the dog hire you?

No. The people that lost the dog hired me.

RIGGS: Sounds like a big case.

It is a big case, Mr. Big Shot, for all you know. It's a very expensive dog.

-A Bolshoi. MURTAUGH: Borzoi.

Whatever, whatever.

And you found it?

Sort of. Okay. Listen to what happens.

Instead of going around town looking for a dog, spending money, l went to the pound.

I take the dog home, I dye the dog. It looks exactly like their dog.

Dog was a real rat, though.

He scratched me. But l got the job done.

-Some kind of P.I. business you got. -Douche Ventura, pet infective.

-lt's grand theft. -What's grand theft?

-With trickery, it's a felony. -Yeah.

It is? You guys are always kidding.

Whatever. l get it. Here comes that touchy kid. I'm not here.

-Captain Riggs, Captain Murtaugh. -What you got, Putter?

-The guy you chased in Chinatown? -Yeah?

His gun matched slugs on the bodies on the boat. That's your shooter.

Son of a bitch that got away from me.

He didn't get too far. They found him on a rooftop nearby.

Strangled. And get this. Pigeons ate his eyeballs.

Cool.

[CELL PHONE RlNGS]

Excuse me. Hello? Hello?

Shit! I hate these fucking phones, man. You get a call, they cut you off.

You make a call, they cut you off. What's the point?

You know what they're doing? They fuck you with cell phones.

They're fucking you with the phone. They love when you get cut off. You know why?

Because when you call back, which they know you'll do...

...they charge you for the first minute again at that high rate.

If you're able to call back...

...because the 3-hour battery you got only lasts for 20 fucking minutes.

LEO: What if you're behind a hill, and it's going:

[IMITATING STATlC]

Or you go through a tunnel or some shit. And they keep making it smaller.

You know why they make them this small? So you can lose it.

Why? So you have to buy more phones. I never lost my mother's phone.

Take you two hours to make a damn long-distance call.

Da-da-da, four. Da-da-da, five. Da-da-da--

Oh. l messed up. Hang up. Gotta do it again. Da-da-da, four. Da-da-da, five.

I never lost my Sports IIIustrated swimsuit phone.

How about the scanners? They get your number and call all over the world!

Somebody took my number and called Afghanistan. Afghanistan!

I don't know what fucking Afghanistan look like.

Even if l did, I would not talk to their Afghan ass for 3 hours!

I won't talk to my daddy for 3 hours.

They fuck you, they fuck you with the cell phones.

You know when you go to a drive-through?

[CELL PHONE RlNGS]

-Hold on. -Why am l talking--?

Leo Getz, private investigator.

RIGGS [lN GERMAN ACCENT]: Private investigator?

I wondered if you'd investigate my privates.

Investigate what?

My privates, you stupid shit.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Shut the fuck up.

Very funny, Riggs. You're costing me a lot of money.

Three dollars to answer a fucking call. They fuck me, now you!

RIGGS: You're tough when on the phone.

Right. Telephone tough guy.

Why are we talking on the phone?

Get the fuck out of here. Go home.

What happened to your face?

"No" means no!

This kid's gonna like me, l can tell.

He'd be the first one.

Okay, okay, okay. Whatever. Whatever.

You know, we should hire Leo.

Hire Leo?

Hire him. He can follow Uncle Benny around.

-Benny'll see him. -Yeah.

-He'll drive him nuts. -Benny'll shoot him.

Let's hire him.

MURTAUGH: I smell like stale coffee.

Why do you care if l go home and change shirts?

A coffee stain's not something that'd bother me.

Look at the way you dress.

What's that supposed to mean?

Just because I don't have nifty suits like you. Not many cops do.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ahem. l've been wondering, where's the money coming from?

Where do you think it's coming from?

-Where do you think? -l don't know.

-lt's none of my business. -You don't know. Okay?

Okay? Trish gave me some money.

-lt's none of my damn business. -Money from my Aunt Anne, who died.

-Okay? -All right. Sorry.

MURTAUGH: Whose car is that?

I don't know.

It looks like a full house for Lamaze class.

-You know who belongs to that car? OFFlCER 1 : Here you go, captains.

No charge for the ride.

MURTAUGH: Rianne's here and Lorna's here.

OFFlCER 2: I'll put it on your account, captain.

All right, then.

Hey, honey. Hey, Lorna.

What's going on? I came home to change my shirt--

[WAH SING KU CLAPPING]

-What the hell are you doing here? -They took the Hongs.

Shit.

Drop it.

[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

Girls, get out of here!

Look who we got here.

-Uncle Benny's friend. -Hey, Bruce.

Nice pajamas.

What did you do with the Hongs?

[GRUNTS]

Drop your guns.

-Drop them! -Okay, take it easy.

You're not gonna stand for that, are you, honey?

[GRUNTlNG]

Son of a bitch!


[LORNA GRUNTlNG]

[WOMAN SCREAMS AND MAN COUGHlNG]

RIGGS: Let the women go.

[COUGHlNG]

MURTAUGH: Don't panic.

[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

I can't breathe!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[SCREAMlNG]

Riggs!

Trish!

MURTAUGH: Trying to get my--

Son of a bitch!

Trish!

[SCREAMlNG]

Riggs!

-l'll be damned. Thanks, kid. -Ping.

Ping. Get Ping.

Ping, cut us loose!

Cut me loose!

Go ahead, cut me.


[CRYING]

It's all right.

-You okay, honey? -Yeah.

I owe you one, kid.

-Rianne, the keys to your car? -They're in the car.

-l got a car. RIGGS: We need a radio.

MURTAUGH: We have to go, baby.

How we gonna find them? We got to catch them assholes.

MAN: 3-William-56, this is Air 1 2.

RIGGS [OVER RADIO]: We need your eyes, guys.

Looking for a black Mercedes and a black Lincoln Continental.

-Vicinity of Ladera at the 21 0 freeway. -Heh, heh.

Black Mercedes and black Continental, eh?

Well, that shouldn't be too hard to find in this town.

Just give it a shot, will you?

-Be cooperative. -That's a roger.

Will wonders never cease?

We've got two black Mercedes, one heading east, one west.

Eastbound one just got on the Valley View ramp.

We'll take that one. Try locating the Continental.

-How do we know it's the right one? -l don't know.

We're going east and China's east.

-China's west too. -We can't divide.

Okay. Think positive!

[HORN HONKlNG]

-You crossed two lanes! -You see him?

Watch the road!

I'd give my right arm for a siren right now.

[IMITATING SlREN]

Why'd they take the Hongs anyway?

Maybe they're shaking them down for more money.

You know what smugglers are like.

Hong said his uncle paid already. He got in touch with his uncle.

He left him a message. It's how they know where l live.

-Shit. RIGGS: That's exactly how.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Go, go, go!

-There's the son of a bitch right there! -That's them.

Bastards left us to burn. I wanna have a chat with them.

-How? You don't have any guns! -Yeah?

Well, get me right up behind this trailer.

-But you're driving. -No, you're driving.

-Shit. -There's cruise control.

All you gotta do is steer!

MURTAUGH: Riggs, why you always making shit complicated?

Closer. Don't be shy. Get up there!

Closer! Closer!

That's it!

Thanks.

Here, asshole. Come on in.

I need to ask you something. Where's the Hongs?

[GRUNTlNG]

Riggs! What the--?

Damn, Riggs.

Where's the Hongs? Where are they?

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Come on, Riggs, get him.

Watch out, Riggs.


Highway Patrol, this is William-356, heading southbound on highway.

Officer in trouble. Oversized trailer.

[ON RADlO] -is gonna shake LAPD! Pull over! LAPD!

LAPD! Pull over!

Pull over! See that?!

Right! Fuck you!

Breaker, breaker. l got a crazy asshole with a phony badge trying to pull me over.

[HORNS HONKING]

Son of a bitch, get away from my boy.

Son of a bitch!

Riggs, come on in. l got you.

Come in, Riggs!

Get in here!

[SIRENS WAlLlNG]

Come on. Get the fuck in here. Shit.

-Ready? -Yeah.

MURTAUGH: Welcome back. RIGGS: What a drag!

-Thanks, Rog. -What'd he say about the Hongs?

We'll have to find out from the other guy. Go!

-Pull over! Son of a bitch! -Pull over!

MURTAUGH: Keep your hands inside, then.

-Oh, shit. -Whoa!

[BOTH SCREAM]

Out of the way!

Wait! There he is!

Keep going!

[SCREAMlNG]

[SPEAKS IN CHlNESE]

RIGGS: We're gaining!

I got him!

Son of a bitch.

You okay?

Yeah, l think my heart's still beating.

Maybe a little too close.

MAN [OVER PA]: You are now entering an international holding area.

Please have proper documentation ready.

[MAN SPEAKlNG IN CHlNESE OVER PA]


[IN CHlNESE]


MAN: Sorry, Rog, about your loss. -Thank you, man.

How's my hero?

He's a little sad, talking about his mom and dad.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

Here's Butters.

BUTTERS: How's it going, Riggs? -Hi.

What the hell you doing here?

I heard it on the radio. I'm sorry about your house.

This is Detective....

-Butters. -Butters.

-Trish, my wife. -Hello, Trish.

Nick, Carrie...

...Rianne.

Everybody okay?

You get a make on the guys that did this?

It was Uncle Benny.

-Leo. -Leo.

RIGGS: You got a phone? -The little Fonzie guy?

Yeah. That's him.

-You be okay, baby? -We'll be all right.

[MOUTHING] Call me.

RIGGS: Leo? Yeah.

He's there? Stay there, that's beautiful. We'll be right there. We'll be right there.

-Butters, can you drive us? -Yeah, let's do it.

RIGGS: Leo's got him at the dentist. Let's go.

-What? -There. Sit down.

Oh.

BUTTERS: Captain Murtaugh...

...l know this is a bad time...

...but l think there's something you need to know about me.

-Now, this is hard for me-- -l think maybe l know what it is.

You do?

Yeah. And it's okay.

It is?

People have the right to do whatever makes them happy.

Just don't expect me to like it too.

I know this must be hard for you.

It's impossible for me.

I was just hoping we'd get together for the holidays, say Christmas.

Why should we get together and see each other on Christmas?

-l was just trying to reach out. -Reach somewhere else.

Do what you want, but leave me out of it. Got it?

-l got it. -l don't want to hear about it.

Not a word.

What you grinning about? Think about how we can talk to Benny.

RIGGS: I got it all worked out.

What's the matter?

My ass hurts.

My tooth! Is this a dentist or proctologist?

-Please be quiet. -l'm trying! l'm in pain!

Why don't you go see your own dentist?

My dentist's in Detroit or l'd go!

-Oh, brother. -Oh, brother? Get the dentist!

I'm sorry to bother you. It's an emergency.

A man has just walked in off the street.

He's in a lot of pain. You better come with me. Thank you.

[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

LEO: Okay, you can come in now! Aah!

[RlGGS WHISTLES]

[SCREAMlNG]

BUTTERS: You sure Leo can pull this off? -Leo's got a B.S. in B.S.

Coast is clear.

[GRUNTlNG]

Talk to the hand, okay? Just one second.

-Okay, okay. Wait a minute. -Let me do my job!

You hurt me, I'll stick an egg roll up your ass.

What is this?

Don't be alarmed, Uncle Benny. It's only a drill.

Don't say a word.

Shut up.

Now, where are the Hongs? Open wide and tell me.

I don't know any Hongs.

You know them. Their uncle paid you to get them out of China.

More about smuggling? We went through that.

We're going through it again.

I have nothing to say.

These look very interesting.

You're not going to use it.

You won't shoot me.

-You're lousy cops. -We're good cops.

This will settle him down.

Breathe, Uncle Benny. Breathe.

Crank up the nitrous.

Crank that baby up.

Ow! You said it wouldn't hurt!

I'm holding this. Go ahead.

RIGGS: Deep. Right down to your toes.

MURTAUGH: Benny?

[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE IN HlGH-PITCHED VOICE]

-Aw, man. He's wasted. RIGGS: Have some more.

He'll talk.

[BENNY LAUGHING]

Good, breathe.

Uncle Benny, Uncle Benny, Uncle Benny.

-[IN NORMAL VOlCE] That's me. RIGGS: That's you.

[LAUGHlNG]

Now, where are the Hongs?

[SPEAKS IN CHlNESE]

RIGGS: What's renminbi mean? -Renminbi means...

...renminbi.

RIGGS: You're a funny guy. -This guy's wasting our time.

Time!

Time for Four Fathers!

Washington, Jefferson? Those guys?

-Roosevelt? Ha, ha, ha. -Ha, ha, ha.

I'm sleeping with my wife's two sisters.

You lucky son of a bitch!

That's a good one, Uncle Benny.

Not so good...

...when my wife finds out.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I don't need needles! I don't need needles! Aah!

Let's shoot his legs with Novocain...

...and watch him try to get out of here.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What you got in your hands there?

A nut cup.

I got some big nuts.

That's nitrous...

...oxide.

Laughing gas.

We're stoned!

[SCREAMlNG]

Murtaugh! Hurry up!

That's one funny son-in-law you got there, Rog.

After tonight it be too late.

Too late for what?

Hey, Riggs. Why'd you call him my son-in-law?

Uncle Benny? He's too old.

Buy Four Fathers back at Four Fathers' store.

Why's he talking about his ancestors?

I don't know.

Why you call him my son-in-law?

Because I am.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I thought he was.... I thought he was:

No, I'm:

Bloody marvelous!

Your baby is having my baby.

My baby is having his baby.

And your baby? Whoa, baby!

Whoa, baby! My baby!

What's going on? What are you doing?

I couldn't stall anymore.

What happened?

Rog, look at this. Does that hurt?

[LEO SCREAMS]

Uncle Benny, anything happens to the Hongs...

...we'll come back and rip you a new one.

-A new one. That's two for Benny. -Bloody marvelous. Bloody marvelous.

[DENTIST & BENNY SPEAKING lN CHINESE]

[PUNCH AND RlGGS GRUNTS]

-Are you crazy? -Why did you do that?

For keeping it from me and letting me think....

Hit him, not me.

As soon as we find the Hongs, me, you and Rianne is getting into this.

[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

[MAN SPEAKS lN CHINESE]


[HONG SPEAKS lN CHINESE]

[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

[IN CHlNESE]


[GRUNTlNG]

[BONES CRACK]

[GASPS]


RIGGS: Rimminy?

Young bimbo? Jumping jiminy? I don't know.

MURTAUGH: I can't remember.

No, Riggs. Renminbi.

-What? Say that again. NG [OVER RADIO]: Renminbi.

That's it.

-You got it. NG: Means "people's money."

-Currency in mainland China. -People's money?

NG: What else did Benny say?

RIGGS: Might lead somewhere.

He was talking about his ancestors, buying them back.

BUTTERS: Something about how tonight...

...would be too late. Mean anything to you?

No, nothing at all.

What about the guy who torched my house?

In the restaurant, Benny was afraid of him.

NG: If Benny's scared of this guy, he's gotta be a Chinese Triad.

Those guys will kill anyone who gets in their way.

That includes cops and their families. So watch your asses, all right?

MURTAUGH: Thanks, Ng. NG: Keep me posted.

Yeah. You pick up your wife, my daughter.

-Make sure she's safe. -Yes, sir.

MURTAUGH: I'll get Trish, you get Lorna. RIGGS: Her and Ping.


[BENNY SCREAMS]

[BELL DINGlNG]

What?

You wanna get married, don't you?

No.

Yes. Yes, l do.

But if you don't want to, it's okay.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want to put any pressure on you, Riggs.

If you want to someday, that'd be great.

If you don't...

...l love you.

I'll take you any way I can get you, Riggs.

[GASPS]

Feel that.

-Ping, feel the baby. RIGGS: He's really dancing.

LORNA: He's kicking. You feel him?

[TlRES SCREECHING]

[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]

Hang on!

[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]

LORNA: You're okay.

MURTAUGH [OVER RADIO]: Riggs. Pick up, Riggs.

Riggs, it's Murtaugh.

I'm sick of these fuckers, Rog. I say we just find them and shoot them.

-What do you think? -Meet me and Butters on South Spring then.

What's going on?

They found my watch.

They killed Hong, his uncle, Uncle Benny too. Bodies are in there.

-Where's the rest of the family? -They're okay.

INS raided a Chinese sweatshop.

Hong's family was being held there and they led them back here.

-Murtaugh, Riggs. MURTAUGH: Hey.

Looks like they were making funny money. lnk's still wet.

RIGGS: Where are the faces? -That's why l call it funny.

Why in hell are they making Chinese money?

Can they even exchange this stuff here?

-Only in China. -Renminbi.

-l remember. MURTAUGH: Hey, Riggs.

Yeah?

Hong's uncle was an artist. Maybe an engraver.

Bringing over his family could've been how he was paid to do the job.

That's kind of thin.

No, that's not thin. You keep talking. What?

Benny said something about paying....

-Buying back his forefathers. -That's right.

NG: Murtaugh, what'd you say?

Benny said something about buying back his forefathers.

Wait, wait. You said ancestors.

-Ancestors, forefathers. -What's the difference?

NG: No, no, no. The number four. Four Fathers.

These guys were the top guys of the Hong Kong Triad.

These guys disappeared from prison.

Reds jailed them when they took over Hong Kong.

-l bet they're here. -Damn, we're good.

Lorna, grab Ping. I don't want him to see the bodies.

LORNA: Come on, sweetie. Come here. -Hey, hey.

Ten to 1 , l know where the money is.

Twenty to 1 , l know where the Four Fathers are. Let me make a call.

Don't leave without us.

That was good work. You must be a detective.

I have my moments.

Uncle Benny.

I was actually starting to like the old goat.

Bloody marvelous.

And it's fried rice, "you plick."

Oh, here.

-Which one is Hong? -Hong is right in front of you.

I want a complete set of forensics on all three.

MAN: Yes, sir.

Dads and their kids.

I'll take care of yours, buddy.

RIGGS: We gotta go, Rog.

-Take care of yourself. RIGGS: Where're we going?

NG: L.A. Harbor. RIGGS: What's there?

NG: lt's what they call a foreign trade zone.

There are a lot of shady deals going down with the Chinese military.

It's run by a corrupt Chinese general.

MURTAUGH: I got it. Some corrupt Chinese general brought the Four Fathers here...

...and the Triad's buying their release.

BUTTERS: That's what Uncle Benny meant by buying them back.

RIGGS: That general's gonna shit kittens when he sees the money's counterfeit.

MURTAUGH: Yeah. Let's tell him.


[SPEAKING IN CHlNESE]

[CAR HORN HONKlNG]

Hi, gang.

L.A.P.D.

I saw Hong.

This is what Benny meant by buying the Four Fathers back.

Look, it's Harpo, Groucho, Chico and Fucko. How are you, boys?

Who's the naughty general?

Who's been lining his pockets?

Naughty. Speaky English?

[IN ENGLlSH] What do you want?

See all this?

I hope you need a lot of toilet paper back home.

That's about all it's good for, wiping your ass.

Take the Four Pops back to China. We don't give a shit.

RIGGS: Heh, heh. The Four Pops. Heh.

We don't want them no more. It's counterfeit. See?

Triads never prosper when they try cheating a general.

See for yourself.

RIGGS: There you go. Money losing face. General losing face.

Hard when Triad try to sit on it.

I fucked you. I fucked you.

-We fucked you. lt's beautiful. -lt's beautiful.

RIGGS: Don't we get a hand?

Here we go.

[MACHlNE GUN FIRING]

RIGGS: Keep your head down. Let them shoot each other!

Riggs, watch out!

Thanks!

[GUNFlRE]

[GUNSHOTS]

Was this a good idea?

It was an idea!

[GRUNTlNG]

Eleven in the mag, one in the pipe. You?

A real gun. Six shots.

Four!

-Hey, Rog? -Yeah?

What's going on?' Why are you lying to me?

[BULLETS WHlZZING]

I.A. says you're on the take.

I'm on the take?

I think it's crazy too. But you're spending lots of money.

You ever hear of Ebony Clark?

Yeah. She writes those cheesy sex novels!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Are you boinking her?

No, I'm not boinking Ebony Clark.

-Trish is Ebony Clark. -Trish is Ebony....

You are boinking her.

Yeah, l'm boinking her.

[GRUNTlNG]

-Too embarrassing to tell anybody. -Yeah, I don't blame you.

-She's making a shitload of money. -How many you got?

-Uh, two. -All right. I'll look for more ammo.

[GUNSHOTS]


Who's the guy with the white pajamas?

That's Wah Sing Ku. The Four Father with him is his older brother.

No kidding?

[GUNFlRE lN DISTANCE]

BUTTERS: Get down!

-Hey, Butters. -Shit! Shit!

Now you got my name right.

I'm out. I got to find some rounds.

I'll help you.

Never been shot before.

Hey, hey, Ng.

Take care of my son-in-law here.


[GRUNTlNG]

[GRUNTS]

[GUN CLlCKS]

Hey, Riggs!

-You all right? -No, I got my ass kicked again.

Shit, I'm out. l'm out.

I hit the son of a bitch. I thought I missed him. Where'd they go?

Come on, come on.

We got door number one, number two, or number three.

-Looks like number two, Monty. -Let's go.

What do we got behind door number two? Bingo.

[GASPlNG]

Now you've done it.

Now he's really pissed.

Son of a bitch gonna be a handful.

Since I met you, l've done some hairy shit. But this is not gonna happen.

I'm gonna be a grandfather...

...and you and Lorna gonna have a baby.

[THUNDER RUMBLlNG]

He ain't worth dying for, Riggs. He ain't worth it.

Yeah, you're right.

If he gets away we can track him down later on...

...with a howitzer or something.

Your son-in-law's in there, bleeding. We should get him, get the hell out of here.

-Shit, it's raining. -l'm too old for this shit too.

MURTAUGH: Guy's too damn good.

Yeah, he's damn good. How'd he do that thing with the gun?

He took my gun apart with one deft move. How'd he do that?

Huh? How?

Yeah, okay.

Let's go ask him.

[GRUNTlNG]


RIGGS: You mother--

[GROANING]

[RlGGS YELLS]

[GROANING]

[YELLING]


[YELLS]


Rog! Are you up there?

Are you all right?

Rog!

Riggs!

Hey, Riggs!

Riggs!

Where are you, Riggs?

Will it to me, Riggs! Riggs!

Where are you, Riggs?

Will it to me, Riggs!

Will me, Riggs. Will me.

Riggs, you going to have a baby. Will me.

You son of a bitch. God. Will me. Riggs. Riggs.

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

I hear you, Riggs. I hear you.

I got you! I'm coming!


I heard you, Riggs! l heard you!

[RlGGS GASPlNG]

You willed me to it, man. You willed me, baby.

What took you so long?

What took me so long? What the hell do you mean?

I was knocked down over here. I couldn't even get up.

[MURTAUGH CHUCKLlNG]

Hey, hey! Come back here.

Let's go home, man.

Let's get out of here.

I haven't been here enough lately, Vicky. l'm sorry.

I need to talk to you about Lorna. Me and Lorna.

It's like this. She wants to get married...

...and l love her. I won't lie to you. I do.

And l want to make her happy.

I'm looking for help here, honey.

I don't know what to do.

Funny talking to you about this stuff--

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHlNG]

-Oh, Leo. -Hey, Riggs.

You want to get yourself shot, is that it?

What the hell are you doing here?

I was tailing you.

Sorry.

I'll leave you alone. I guess you want to be alone.

-Yeah. I'd appreciate it. -Okay.

When I was a kid l had a pet frog.

What?

Just give me a second. Let me tell you this, okay?

I had this pet frog, name was Froggy.

He was my best friend in the world.

I didn't have a lot of friends. Matter of fact...

...l had no friends.

I used to kiss the frog too.

I thought maybe...

...it would turn into a princess since I was a boy.

And it could be...

...my mother.

They told me that she left or something.

And my father was no bargain.

And so, just the frog...

...Froggy, was my friend.

I really loved him and took him everywhere with me.

I was riding my bike one day...

...and he jumped out of the box...

...and l ran him over with the back tire.

I killed him.

I was really heartbroken. Really.

He was my best friend in the whole world, the only thing I ever loved.

And then I met you...

...and Roger.

You guys really looked after me a lot more than you had to.

I'm terrible to you, Leo.

No, it's okay.

It's okay.

You're my family...

...and my friends.

You're not better friends than Froggy, you're just different.

And l just thought that maybe that might be relevant.

Okay, l'll leave you alone now.

Leo....

I got a funny f-- Oh.

-What's the matter? -Oh. I'm having a baby.

-What? -lt's Lorna. She beeped me.

Yep, it's Lorna. She's having the baby.

-Holy shit. I'll get the car. -l'll be two steps behind you.

You sure picked a strange angel, honey.

[CHUCKLES]

But l got the message.

I got the message.

I'll always have this.

Always have you.

In here and here.

Thanks, honey.

I gotta go. Bye.

I am not ready to have this baby!

NURSE: You're as ready as you're going to be.

Fine! Just wheel me in.

My legs are staying closed!

Give me this!

Ma'am, let go.

I am a police officer. And l am not ready.

I am L.A.P.D. and l can arrest you for interfering....

Lorna, are you all right?

NURSE: Are you the husband? -Yes.

Honey, are you all right?

No, I'm not, Riggs.

I said l didn't wanna get married, but I do.

I want to be a wife before I'm a mother. And l lied.

-l know you don't want to. -Okay.

-You said "okay"? -Yes, I did. Okay.

Let's do it. Okay.

-He said okay. -Yes.

WOMAN: Congratulations. -He said okay, Leo.

Oh, my God.

What's that smell?

I was on my way to the toilet and she grabbed me.

-l'm so sorry. -Have a nice baby.

I'm so sorry.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Riggs.

-You bet I will, Riggs. -Okay.

Let's go.

I'm not going. Wait, no, no, no. Wait, wait. Please, Riggs.

-Get a minister. -Now?

Now. Because we're getting married. Here comes another one.

-We need a license, blood test-- -l wanna hear the words...

-...before the baby comes. -lt's coming now.

Listen, l am getting married or there is no baby.

This could be an aspect of a transition phase.

This is no goddamn aspect of a goddamn transition phase!

Honey, everybody, calm down.

Calm down. Okay?

-Get a priest, minister, anything. -Where?

Go get a priest! Goddamn it, Leo!

I got it, I got it. Okay.

RIGGS: Pant, pant, blow. Remember Lamaze class?

Pant, blow. Pant, pant, blow.

[RlGGS & LORNA PANTlNG]

-But l want to say "I do." RIGGS: Hey, look. Here he is.

This is Rabbi Gelb.

-A rabbi? -You said anything.

No, no, no. He'll do.

For what I'll do? What's going on?

We'd like you to marry us. Please.

-You're Jewish? -Not necessarily.

-You got a license? -No.

-Well.... -Please don't go.

She needs to hear the words before the baby comes.

Are you both serious? I don't have time for hijinks.

Real serious, rabbi. We're very serious.

I could do it. It wouldn't be official.

It's all right. I just want to hear the words.

What the hell. What are your names?

I'm Martin and this is Lorna.

Martin and Lorna.

[SPEAKING IN HEBREW]

What am I doing? How do the goyim do this?

-Dearly beloved. -That's it. Dearly beloved....

Dearly beloved, marriage is a spiritual union....

Oh, Rabbi.

NURSE: Faster, faster. She's heading for the home stretch.

Martin, will you take Lorna to be your wife?

Will you honor, love, et cetera...

-...till death do you part? -l will.

Lorna, will you take Martin to be your husband, et cetera?

-Yes, I do. GELB: The same thing.

All right. I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride. You already did.

-Let's go. -No, wait, wait, wait.

RIGGS: What? What? LEO: Hold it, hold it, hold it.

-What is it? LEO: Let me have this glass.

I need this!

No, goddamn it! What the hell are you doing? Aah!

Talk to the hand, okay? I'll be right back. Wait, wait.

You know how long it took me to fill that thing? All day!

This is unsanitary. What is this?

-Break the glass. -l'll get piss on my shoes.

-You gotta do this! -Okay.

Mazeltov.

Hey! What the hell?

Come back here, you little son of a bitch!

Pant, pant, blow.

Leo, please.

Your work is over here. I think someone else needs you.

-Okay. -Okay?

Good luck, Lorna, Riggs.

-Leo? -Yeah.

-Thanks a lot. -Oh, okay.

Stick around. Meet the kid.

Good luck, Lorna! Okay, okay.

Riggs.

LEO: Here it comes, here it comes.

Here he is.

LEO: He's looking right at you. He knows it's you.

Rog, look what l found.

-Look at that. -Oh, boy. What a beauty.

Look at those eyes.

-He looks like his mother. -Yes, he does.

Murtaugh, Murtaugh, Murtaugh!

No, Butters!

Butters' baby. Better not be Murtaugh.

MURTAUGH: It's Butters.

BUTTERS: Look at that baby.

RIGGS: Look at the hair.

Oh, that's my baby.

MURTAUGH: Look at her. You're so cute. Look at you.

Twenty-seven people, nobody thought of bringing a camera?

Leo, your plastic's flaccid. Face it.

These machines wreck your plastic, then give you the camera.

The camera doesn't work. They're trying to--

-No, no, no. -Leo.

Okay.

Hey, captain, what are you doing here?

Look at these two babies.

A little something from everybody at the squad.

MURTAUGH: All right. RIGGS: Thank you.

-Those captain badges, give them back. -What for?

Congratulations, you're sergeants again. The city's self-insured.

RIGGS: l thought they were gonna make us president.

By the way, Grandpa, you owe the chief one.

He went to bat for you with the lNS...

...and they're gonna give asylum to the Hongs.

All right, all right.

We're gonna take a picture.

Come on. Come on.

LEO: All right. Squeeze together. Candy stripers out.

Out. Okay, okay. Out, out.

I can't. There's not enough room. l'm sorry.

-You gotta back up. -Back, Leo.

I'm taking big steps!

Get this guy to take it. Leo, get in the picture.

Doc, can you take a picture of all of us?

It's my best man, after all.

Get my grandbaby in it too.

Are you all friends?

No. We're family!

MAN: Okay, on three.

One, two, three!


[ENGLISH - US - SDH]