Letter to Brezhnev (1985) Script





Elaine! I wish you'd hurry up.

I'll see you. Ta-ra.

Anyway, who was he? The bus driver. Who do you think?

Do you know him? Only as well as you can know a driver.

Have you heard from Mick lately? Mm. He rang my mum's earlier on.

To tell you the truth, I can't be arsed with him.

Why not? Oh, he's off his mong, isn't he?

He's just into lounging round and smoking pot.

I like him.

I suppose he's all right, but you get a bit bored, don't you?

I've been courting him 14 months now and the novelty wears off after a while.

Hm. Suppose so. Do you think he'll be in here?

God, I hope not. I want to cop off tonight.

I couldn't be bothered myself. What?

I'm sick of the men up here. They've got no romance in them.

Well, Kirkby isn't the most romantic place in the world.

That's what I mean. It's a bore. Don't you ever get sick of it?

No, I don't. I'm too busy working to get sick of it.

You're one of the lucky ones. Suppose you're right.

Fucking hell. That's not the rain, is it? My hair will get ruined.

See what I mean? I wish I was in Casablanca or somewhere like that.

You know, all hot and exotic. It rains in Casablanca as well, you know.

Get away! Does it? The things you learn outside a pub.

Do I look OK? Is my mazzie smudged? And has my hair stayed up?

Tracy, you threw a can of lacquer on it before you came out.

It'd take a monsoon to shift that lot. Now, come on.

Oh, hi, Teresa.

Hiya, Elaine. Hi, Tracy.

Ooh, let's squeeze my arse in next to yous.

You just finished work? Yeah, there was overtime going.

Should have finished at five. It isn't half packed in here.

Still at the chicken factory, then?

Yeah, but it's doing my head in. What exactly do you do?

Take the innards out of chickens, put them into bags and stuff them back up.

They play this classical music shite but they speed it up bit by bit throughout the day and you end up stuffing chickens in time to the music.

God, how disgusting. Your hands must stink.

So would yours if you had them stuffed up chicken's arses all day.

Any scandal?

I was just telling Elaine about that girl over there.

What girl?

Remember? You told me about her giving a wank to a fella from St Marion's.

I never. You did.

I said she went round the back with him but I didn't see what happened after that.

I was just fuming cos he didn't wanna go with me.

What man in his right mind would refuse a dollop of what I've got to offer?

She's a little skut. I'm sure she fancies my Mick.

Oh, come on, Tracy.

We've all done it. Done what?

Given wanks and had our tits felt, and loved it.

It's just that some people get caught and some people don't.

Don't put me in the same category as her cos I'm a different type of girl to that.

Oh, all right, Tracy. Leave it out. She's only a kid.

Forget it before it gets out of hand. I'm going to the toilet.

What are you doing with her?

I know she's a nice girl and everything but she can be one jealous bitch.

You know Mick fucked her off, don't you?

I thought it was the other way round. No. She wants people to think that.

He fucked her off and copped off with her over there.

Had we better go over? No, it will be OK.

And you, you shouldn't even be in here at your age, never mind sniffing round fellas old enough to be your father.

Hi, Teresa. Hi, Elaine. Hiya, Mick.

If you so much as glance sideways at my Mick you'll see the end of my stiletto up the crack of your arse.

Hey, get here.

I said get here!

Who are you with? Bimbo and Jonno.

We've come from the Tod. Do you wanna sit with us?

Yeah, I'll be over in a minute. Don't suppose you've got any money?

How much do you want? Can you hand us a bluey?

Yeah, hang on a minute.

Oh, Mick, look. There's that fiver I owe you.

Oh, ta, Tracy. I'll just go and get a drink in.

Do you want one? Oh, no, thanks.

What about you two?

All right, then. See yous later.

I'll be over in a minute.

He must have been looking out for me. He was looking out for your purse.

He's normally loaded. It's just that he's been laid off.

Anyway, I'll get over and have a gab. See you later.

Yeah, see you later, Tracy. Ta-ra.

Oh, thank God he came in.

I couldn't put up with her whinging gob much longer.

Do you fancy going somewhere else? Like where? There's nowhere up here.

I fancy going into town but I'm skint.

I'd offer to take you but I've only got mam's wages and if I don't give them to her, she'll chaw the face off me.

Purse strings are tight.

I wasn't dropping hints. I just fancy getting away for a few hours.

I know.

Oh, fuck my mam and her wages. Let's jump a taxi into town.

But she'll chaw the face off you. She will, but with a bit of luck I won't feel a thing because I intend to get fucking legless.

You were giving her the eye.

I only winked. Did she wink back at you?

I can't help that. Can't you?

I'll wink the eyes out of your sockets if you do it again.

Will you? Yeah, you heard me.

Oh, do one, woman!

Mick, you bastard. You've blinded me!

Just look at this city.

Whoever did the planning for all this wants his balls roasted.

Excuse my language, girls.

What are we getting a taxi for? Just look at that.

We can't afford a taxi.

Who says we're paying? You what?

My grandma used to push a handcart up that hill every morning all the way up to Paddy's market.

Didn't stop till she was in her 70s. Loaded high it was with vegetables.

Done her in in the end.

Got the wheel of the barrow caught in the tramlines and pop.

That was that. All the gear fell off the barrow.

Right on top of her.

It was the oranges that did it. Never mind laughing.

How would you like it if your granny was buried under two hundredweight of satsumas?

Is that a joint you're smoking?

Pass it here, then.

Here you are. Keep the change. Oh, thanks very much.

I thought you weren't gonna pay? He's one of us.

See ya. Ta-ra.

Oh, dance with me, Charlie.

Go on.

Thanks. Hiya, Rose.


She's a marvellous girl. We were in here one night.

We'd been on a bender in town. Off our cakes.

Cops off with two Norskies and bails back to the ship.

So, what happened? I don't remember.

I just woke up with my knicker elastic around my neck.

You dirty mare!

Excuse me. You dance with me? No, thanks. I'm just having a drink.

Look, do you mind? I'm not a cheap piece of meat.

OK, I'm sorry. Well, just don't paw me, OK?

I'll buy you a drink. I don't want a drink. I've got one.

Here, all right. I'll have a drink off yous.

Would you like to dance with me? No, she wouldn't.

OK, I'll pay for a dance. How much you want? £5? £10?

I pay for a dance, yeah? Look here, you.

Now, wait. You put your money away. We don't want your money off you.

I'll have a dance with you, nice-looking lad like you.

Here, watch my bag.

Dimitri, he's OK.

My name is Rayner. And you?


So, where are you from, then, Rayner?

Oh, I come from Cyprus but I've been in England now 12 years.

And you? You are from Liverpool? Yeah.

I mean, no. Me and my mate are from a place called Southport.

Ah, I don't know Southport. Perhaps you will show me around?

Yeah, I will.

Ooh, this drink's gone right through my system.

I'm gonna have to go to the lav. You know, lavabos.


I'm just going to powder my nose, love.

OK. You're coming back, yeah? Yeah, I'll be back in a minute.


Come on, soft girl.

Here's your winnings. Half of it's yours, you know.

I don't want half, Teresa.

What's wrong? I just don't like dipping people.

But they wanted to buy us, two prime pieces of beef.

They only wanted a dance.

They wanted to buy a dance.

They got the most expensive dance in the world.

What if they see us again? What if they spot us?

Don't be daft. What are the chances of bumping into them two again?


Get off her!

When did you learn how to drive? Now.


You're looking cushty tonight, girls.

Are we all right? Yeah, go on.

Hang on. I won't be a minute. Just going in here.

Evening, gentlemen.

£2 each, please.


Hey, come here!

Teresa! Good God, I didn't recognise you.

I know. I look like a little doll, don't I?

You look gorgeous but where did you get all the gear?

Never go anywhere without my bits, just in case!

Why not dress like that all the time?

I'd rather go into work looking plain and that.

Surprises the fellas when they see me looking like this.

You look a bit weird. Do you feel all right?

I feel fine. I've just spotted a gorgeous fella sitting over there.

Oh, he's lovely, Teresa. Wait till you see him.

Wait, my arse! Let's zhoosh ourselves over there and get a slice of man before some other floozies get their nails into them.

Don't make it obvious. Play hard to get.

A little bit of cat and mouse, a bit of tease.

I'll just go and get a light off them. Teresa, don't.

Sailors! Ooh, I just love sailors.

No one told me there was a ship in.

Well, what happened? ls he looking at me?

Which one? Don't look now.

The one with the blond hair, see if he's giving me the eye.

Elaine, they're one their way over.

Remember what I said. Play hard to get.

Excuse me.

Would you and your friend like to join our company?

Do you fancy it, Elaine?

Here, why don't you join us? Here?

I see you're a sailor. 'Course he's a sailor, soft arse.

Er, my name is Peter. This is my friend, Sergei.

Pleased to meet you, Peter, Sergei.

My name's Elaine and this is Teresa.

Hey, with a name like Sergei, you've gotta be from somewhere like...



What about Sweden, then?

I could have swore you're from somewhere cold like that.

Yous are from Russia. Hey, how do you know that?

I read about it in the Echo tonight.

Aren't yous here on some public relations exercise or something like that?

Er, it's something like that, yeah.

Hey, Igor, do you wanna dance?

How long are you in Liverpool for?

Er, for just one day. Tomorrow to Scotland.

And after, home to Soviet Union.

I'd love to go to Russia.

Where are you from? Moscow? No.

I'm from the south. It's a very small town on the Black Sea.

What's it like there? Is it nice?

Very beautiful.

People from all over Soviet Union go there in summer for beach.

I always thought Russia was supposed to be dead cold.

Is many climates in Soviet Union, many different climates, not like here.

I see your friend, she likes to have a good time with the men.

Yeah, she works long hours in the chicken factory, see, so when she finishes work she likes to go out and have a good time.

And you, do you work?

No. I wish I did but there's a work problem in England at the moment.

You know, in Soviet Union, if you don't work you don't eat.

It's a bit like that here as well.

So you don't eat?

Well, no, no, no. It's not quite that bad yet.

He's a big lad, isn't he?

Does he come from the same place as you?

No, he's from Leningrad.

You know, it's his first time outside Soviet Union.

He's having a good time.

You don't like to dance?

Are you asking?

What do you reckon, then? My one's gorgeous.

Reminds me of that fella in Doctor Zhivago.

He's nothing like Omar Sharif.

He's got the same accent. You can imagine, can't you?

You should see the lovely big, thick arms on him.

I love men with thick arms.

What's your one like? Oh, he's gorgeous.

He's got lovely eyes.

So, um, what do you fancy doing with them eyes later?

Oh, I don't know.

They're both dead nice and everything but they both might be a bit strange.

And what's wrong with a bit of strange?

You've been whingeing all night for a bit of romance and adventure.

Here's your chance, looking at you straight in the face.

My one just kissed the gob off me and I don't know about you but I'm getting in there for another slice of the cake.

They're gorgeous, Elaine, better than anything we'll find round here, so get your laughing gear round him.

Yeah, you're right. Come on.

You did tell them we were going to the toilet?

No, I thought you told them.

Oh, well, they've gone off on us.

Come on.




I think somebody's just flung themselves under the bus.

Accident. Mm, under the bus.

Why? Oh, it's always happening.

They'll scrape the body off the bus and we'll move off in a minute.

I hope we don't have to change buses.

It always happens on the last bus. Yes.

Hiya! Fancy bumping into you.

Teresa! Where is Elaine? Come on. What are yous waiting for?

Sorry about that, girls, but we was here first.

We don't care. They bored the liver out of us, anyway.

Didn't they? Mm, very boring.

Oh, ta-ra.

Come on!

It's a very beautiful evening.

Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?

So, what's it like in Russia, then?

It's very different from here.

In what way?

Russian poetry.

Russia cannot be understood by wit alone.

Common measures cannot be applied to her.

She has a special character.

One must simply believe in Russia.

But what about all the food shortages?

There are no food shortages.

But we read about it in the papers, about how you have to queue for food.

We read same about you.

Queues are not caused by shortages.

Queues are formed because the person in charge of distribution is a cretin.

The only real shortage in Soviet Union is that of beautiful girls.

Like you.

I'm a secretary, me, you know.

I get to answer the phone and that.

Good morning. Davis and Timmons.

Can I help you? Can I put you through?

What do you get to do on the ship, then, Igor?

Oh, Sergei.

Christ, talk about Roman hands and Russian fingers.

Come on, Igor. Food first.

Filth later.

Hey, do you see that star?

Which one? That big one there?

Yes, the brightest one in the sky.

It reminds me of my home.

Every night from my bed I look through my window and see it shining in the sky.

And when I am away from Soviet Union I look to the star and it makes me feel at home.

Well, from now on every time I see that star it will remind me of you.

I never hit you. Lying bastard. You did.

And you took advantage of me. I was a virgin.

The local entertainment.

Yeah, the local entertainment.

That's what happens when you have to give up.


Oh, nothing. Come on.

Same bastard place every time we come out.

Same smelly old Chinese chippy.

We don't even order any more.

Sweet and sour for me and curried beef for you.

All right, if you don't fancy it we'll get off.

All right, Charlie. I'm hungry.

You're always fucking hungry. Oh.

I bet you've got lovely big thick muscles, have you, Igor?

What do you reckon on that? That's my chicken arm.

800 chickens' arses a day I do with that.

Come on.

Where are we gonna go after this? Let's all bail back to the ship.

We can't. What?

Peter just told me it's against regulations to have people on the ship.

Fucking hell. What type of ship is it?

Can't they sneak us back? No, they can't.

Well, what are we gonna do, then?

We could go and get a hotel.

But these two don't look like they've got a rouble between them.

But we've got all that money.

Elaine, hotels are dead expensive. It will cost us a bomb.

Oh, go on, Teresa.

If it's the money, I'll pay you back. It's just I'm really into him.

I've never felt like this before.

Go on, please.

Looks like I've got no option, doesn't it?

You still on the pill? Yeah.

Which reminds me.

Salt and vinegar?

No, thanks, love. Not on these.


No, that's to stop this chicken laying an egg.

Two fish and chips. Here you are, love.

Hey, who the fuck are you giving your dirty looks to?

Come on, shall we go? Think you better had, love.

And you better give your face back to the second-hand shop you got it from.

Slut. I know. I love it, like yourself.

Fucking Rushies! Hey, where are you going.

Gonna iron this shit out or what?

Bop him, Charlie.

Go on, Charlie.

Charlie, go on!

You... you... you... Fucking communist aggressors!

Fucking communist aggressors!

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah. So it should be, the prices they charge.

Yeah, it's lovely, Elaine.

We must be mad paying all that money on men.

They should be paying for us, really.

Come on, Teresa.

We're not prostitutes, you know.

Do you wanna know what we are?

Desperate, fucking desperate.

God, I feel like an old boot, paying for men.

I know it's a lot of money and that, but we did get it dead easy, didn't we?

You told me off earlier on for whingeing and not having any sense of adventure.

And you were right. That's why I suggested coming here.

I'm not like you, Teresa.

I'm just a straight Kirkby girl with a strong imagination. Nothing else.

Here's my chance for something else, and yours as well.

Even if it is just for the one night, we'll always have the memory of it.

And no one can take that away from us, can they?

Well, can they?

I'm not mean or anything, Elaine.

Oh, I know you're not.

It's just that I work all week in that dump doing a job that's fucking disgusting.

But the reason I do that job is because I wanna survive.

I can't bear the idea of being skint.

So when I do get some money I like to spend it on me.

Anyway, I just don't like the idea of spending money on men.

Makes me feel cheap, cheaper than if they were spending it on me and I feel like that Sergei's only here cos I'm paying.

That Sergei's here because he likes you.

Do you really think so? Of course I do.

You can see he gets a laugh out of you.

And he doesn't need a hotel. He's got a ship to go back to.

He's just into having a little bit of fun like yourself.

So, what happened to that slice of the cake, then?

It's in there, waiting to be nibbled.

Oh, come on, before they do a dusty on us again.

You ain't half a good mate, you know, Elaine.

So are you, Teresa.

Let's go and get our money's worth out of them.

Let's have a look at your love line.

Ooh, it's dead strong, that is.

It's pulsating.

There's someone here, really close to you, you know, someone who loves you a lot, like maybe a girlfriend or a wife.

In Soviet Union we are allowed many wives.

Sergei has ten. What?

Oh! What are you doing to me? I told you he was dead strong.

Listen, if he gets a bit, you know, and you can't handle it, just give that wall a good kick and I'll be in, do you hear me?

She's very protective, your friend.

I think she's a bit worried in case you turn out to be a sex maniac.

Me? Sex maniac!

Well, I don't know you, do I?

I mean, I am taking a bit of a chance.

No, I don't think you take any chance.

You trust me?

Trust you?

I don't even trust myself.

But there's something about you.

I'm only 26, me.

I'm not married.

I could have been. I've been engaged four times.

But I've got this thing about settling down.

You know about me being a secretary?

Well, I get to travel everywhere.

You know, Paris, New York, Amsterdam.

And the moon, I get to go to the moon. Well, I may as well cos you can't understand a word I'm saying, can you, Igor?

Your English isn't very good, is it?

Yeah, well, neither's my typing.

I know this sounds a bit stupid but do you mind if we just stay like this for a while?


I don't mind.

Close your eyes.

What for? I thought you said you trust me.

OK, but what for? Close.

Look, it's my star.

Oh, Peter!

That's lovely.

I think from now it will remind me of you.

You shouldn't say things like that.

We've only just met. Oh, does it matter?

Of course it matters.

You're going back to Russia tomorrow and I'm gonna be stuck here.

I just want a night of fun. You know, nothing heavy.

Is that all you want?

No, of course that's not all.

But you could have given that star story to every girl you've met.

I could be sharing it with broken hearts from Bournemouth to Bangkok.

I'm not stupid, you know.

I know what type of life sailors live.

I understand that you've got to give girls verbal romance to get them into bed.

Well, I'm here, aren't I? On the bed.

So you don't have to waste your star story on me.

I don't just want to make love with you. Don't you think I'm attractive?

I think you're very beautiful.

But, you see,

it's enough for me also to just be here with you.

You don't want anything else?


You're different from them, Peter.

I think she likes to be spoilt a little.

A little? She thrives on it.

But she hasn't got a star, has she?

Good morning.

What time is it? It's about eight o'clock.

Have you been awake for a long time? About an hour.

I've just been standing here, thinking about last night.

I had a really good time. Yes, I did too.

Did you? Mm-hm.

You know, I don't have to be at the ship until 5:30.

If you want, you could show me around Liverpool.

Around here?

Yeah, all right, but I'm warning you, there's not much to see.

Not much.


Teresa? Hang on.

Look at the state of this room. It's paid for, isn't it?

Anyway, what time is it? About eight o'clock.

Oh, Christ, I've missed work.

I'll have to send a sick note in.

Do you fancy coming into town with me and Peter?

Oh, sod that, Elaine. I'm knackered.

He had me going all night.

How did you get on with Peter? Did you have a good time?

It was lovely. We were up all night.

Go heck! Yeah, talking.

Talking? Yeah. Some people do, you know.

You didn't give him a good going-over? No, I didn't.

How come? I dunno. It just didn't seem to matter.

Well, it mattered to me. He had me going all night.

Admittedly, he was a bit difficult to get started but once I got his juices flowing, there was no stopping him.

He had me everywhere. It was marvellous.

Shut up. He might hear you.

Fuck him. I hope he does. I could do with another ten minutes.

God, you're sex-starved, you are. Sex-starved?

Not me, love. I'm full to the brim with him.

I just want more.

Well, look, these two have got to be back at the ship for 5:30.

Do you fancy meeting us in town? Yeah, OK.

Where? How about the pier head?

God, you lazy mare. I've been using up a lot of energy.



I'm lonely.

I like it, the ferry.

It's not bad, is it?

Me and my sister used to come here when we were kids.

Mum used to give us 50p and throw us out the house so she could get on with doing the Sunday dinner.

We used to sit up here all day, going backwards and forwards.

It was really nice.

We used to buy a bottle of lemonade, some sarnies...

Sarnies? What?

You know, sandwiches. These!

I never used to eat mine, though. I used to feed them to the seagulls.

I think they're lovely. Don't you?

Sometimes they follow the ship for days or even weeks.

What for? Food.


Yes, I love seagulls.

I used to wish I was a bird, you know.

So I could fly away and build a nest in Africa or America or wherever it is they fly to.

Just to be free with no worries or anything.

Here you are, birdies.

They don't have to worry about work.

They're just up there flapping their wings and having a good time.

I love you.

No, you don't. You love the seagulls.

I haven't got wings, Peter. I can't follow your ship for days or weeks.

I'm just Elaine. Remember? You met me in that nightclub last night.

But I want to make... Don't say it, not for the sake of it.

I only want more time with me.

You must know how I feel, what I mean.

Of course I do.

I feel exactly the same.

I've dreamt about you.

I suppose it's just a typical bored teenager's dream.

The handsome man from the mysterious East coming and whisking you away.

But it doesn't happen like that, does it?

It's like feeding the seagulls.

You think that seagull, the one that just ate your sarnie, will love you for it.

But it doesn't. It doesn't know it's just ate your dinner and even if it did, it wouldn't make any difference.

Please, Elaine. You make me so happy. I don't want to go away, not like this.

But you don't understand.

You don't know me and I don't know you.

We only met last night and we'll probably never meet again.

No, we will meet again. Look.

This belonged to my grandfather. I want you to have it.

I couldn't take that off you. Please, you must.

You see, if you do, it means that we must... meet again.

Oh, I love you as well, you know.

But it's just that in a few hours you're gonna be so far away.

You must think of the next time we meet.

It's all too much for my little brain to handle.

We don't normally do it like this in Kirkby.

But for all I've just said, I'd go to the ends of the Earth with you.

I feel like a criminal, standing here.

What time do you have to be on board? In about four minutes.

I want you. I want you to marry me.

I have nothing to gain. Nothing, just you.

It takes a bit longer than a few minutes. Please.

Oh, Peter, it's off its head.

How can I marry you if I'm here and you're in Russia?

It won't be forever. We will be together.

When, Peter? When? Oh, why did it have to happen to me?

Why couldn't I have got into someone from Kirkby?

Just don't forget me, OK? I'll always love you, you know.

I must go. Can't you wait just a little bit longer?

No, I must go.

But remember, you look to the star and think of me.


I'm not going back there, Peter. I wanna stay here with you.

It's impossible.

If you are caught, we will both be sent to prison.

But I'd rather have that than be left back there.

Elaine, stop dreaming your life away. Your tea's ready.

I don't want any.

Oh, Elaine, I was watching that.

You was watching that but you're not now, are you?

Yeah, well, I want this side on.

I've been watching it since school. I watch it every night.

Which is why I'm gonna watch something else for a change.

Now, turn that telly over. I won't.

You will. Piss off, you.

Cheeky bastard. Are you looking for a smack in the face?

Off you? Yeah, off me.

Who do you think you are? Who do you think YOU are?

I'm not scared of you. You will be in a minute when I rag the face off you.

Anyway, it's not your telly.

It's not anyone's telly, is it?

It's rented, like everything else in this fucking dump.

So why don't you do something really constructive like...

Aye-aye! Get off her, you, you vicious little mare.

What's going on in here? You're like a pair of fucking animals.

I won't have her talk to me like I'm a piece of shite.

I never! She came in and started shouting at me.

She's one hard-faced gasser. She told me to piss off.

I know I did, because you were picking on me.

I'll do more than pick on you, I'm telling you.

You're telling no one nothing.

I'm her mother, not you, so leave her alone.

OK? And you stop whingeing, you crying little cow.

You've been looking for any excuse lately for an argument and I'm not having it.

What must this lot next door be thinking with all the effing and blinding going on?

Fucking pack it in now, OK?

Josie, get in here.

There was nothing on the other side.

Just go and play with your acne.

How long have you been a model, then?

Ages. I was in Amateur Gardening last week, standing next to a privet bush.


Nice one.

How about me and you having a wander down the west wing and having a bounce on the four-poster bed?

While there's dogs in the street?

I told you I shouldn't have come. I'm only gonna spoil your night.

What's up? What do you think?

He wants to marry me. Some joke.

Some fucking big joke and it's all on me.

I don't know what you're crying for. I'm flogging my golly all night and you've got them eating out of the palm of your hand.

Oh, come on, There's loads of them waiting to get their mitts on your tits.

I don't want any of them. I only want Peter.

Well, he's not here, is he? Don't you think I know that?

Oh, Teresa, what's wrong with me?

I wish I could either have him or forget him.

I love him and it's tearing me apart.

You should have given him a going-over when you had your chance.

Is that all you can say to me?

I should have fucked him when I had the chance?

Sorry, Elaine. I didn't mean it like that.

Me and my mouth.

They're stopping his mail. How do you know?

He said it might happen in one of his letters.

There just isn't anyone, not anyone that can help me.

But I'm not giving up, Teresa. I'm not.

You might have no option. I'm only trying to be realistic.

Have you tried the British embassy? Weeks ago.

And what? They're not interested.

God, they're all the same, aren't they?

Give us a go of that.

Do you know what I'd do? I'd get a gorgeous photo of myself, lash it in an envelope and write a dead nice letter to that fella.

Vinnie, what's his name? Who?

The president of Russia.

Brezhnev, isn't it? That's it, Brezhnev.

Teresa, you mount! Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, I love you. Where are you going?

To write a letter to Brezhnev.

You get in there and get your tits rubbed. In fact, why not get them pulled off you?

Where's she going? Oh, never mind!

'I just need to be with Peter again.

'He loves me and I deeply love him.

'You're my last and only hope.

'The British authorities won't help me so I leave my heart in your hands.

'I ask only to see him again and offer you the hand of friendship and sincerity

'from an ordinary Kirkby girl.

'Yours hopefully, Elaine Spencer.'

Yeah, but they're always dying, them Russian presidents.

I'm sure he's dead. Shut up, Josie. You don't know that.

God, I hope he understands.

Mind you, he probably gets letters like this all the time.

Hiya, Elaine, Josie. Oh, hiya, Tracy.

I haven't seen you for ages. How are you?

I'm all right. How are you?

Oh, I'm smashing. I'm doing really well.

Have you been to cash your giro yet? No.

Oh, I have. I thought you were working.

I was but they made us all redundant about six weeks ago.

Mind you, I'm not that bothered.

Gives me more time to do the things I want.

Are you still seeing Mick? Um, no.

We finished just after I got my redundancy pay I wouldn't mind, but I spent most of it on him. Bastard!

He's going with that one at the Birds Eye.

Is he? Mm.

What's that you're posting? Oh, just a letter.

Who are you writing to? The president of the Soviet Union.


Anyway, Tracy, I'm in a bit of a rush so I'll be seeing you.

Shush, you.

Hang on, Elaine. Spill the beans, then.

What beans? There's no beans to spill.

You're writing letters to the Soviet Union and there's no beans to spill?

Oh, tell us. I won't say anything.

If you must know, I'm engaged to a Russian and they won't let him leave the country so I've written to the president.

Oh, get away, you liar. You've been reading Mills & Boon.

She's not a liar. She is going with a Russian and his name's Peter.

And I've seen a photograph of him.

Well, where's the ring, then? They don't give rings in Russia.

They give you these.

Well, you won't get any joy out of him. Russians are an ignorant lot.

Dead cold, not interested in people, only in invading other countries and depriving them of basic human rights.

Oh, yeah? And how would you know. I just know, don't I?

It's common knowledge, isn't it? Anyway, I used to go out with a Russian.

Did you? Yeah, his name was Vladimir.

So I do know what they're like.

If you've been to the moon you've been there twice, haven't you?

You just don't see any good in people.

Not in communist Russians I don't. You jealous bastard.

Who do you think you're talking to? You.

Do you wanna know something? I've never liked you.

You're miserable, petty, and you don't like to see people get on.

Oh, look who's talking.

I only put up with you cos I felt sorry for you.

If it wasn't for me you'd have spent many a night sitting in, bored.

Would I?

Anyway, as I said, Tracy, I've got to get going.

Why don't you go and get a job and maybe Mick will take you back, if you beg him.

Well, I'd rather have him than some scabby Russian.

Do you remember that night in the Woody when you thought that girl was shagging Mick?

Well, she wasn't cos I was.

And do you wanna know something else? He was useless.

I'd rather sit on my finger.

Elaine, you didn't, did you?

Didn't what? What you said to Tracy about.

Well, you know. Josie, what do you think?

Oh, no.


I'm not letting you go, Elaine, so you might as well get used to the idea.

I mean, who do you know that's ever been there?

No one. Who?

I said no one.

Then why do you have to be Little Miss Different?

I've told you why. I've told the both of yous.

Because Peter's there. Peter!

Who the fuck is this Peter anyway? I mean, we haven't even met him yet.

He's the man I love, the man I'm gonna marry.

If being with him means living in Russia, then that's the way it's gonna be.

Holy Jesus.

Do you know why no one goes there?

Because people like you and the press, who know fuck all about the place, encourage us not to.

You think you know everything. Let me tell you something, madam.

I'm not having you preaching to me.

You're only 22 years of age and you know fuck all, so get it into your head right now that you're staying here.

OK? See that and that?

These are my tickets for freedom.

These say I can get on a plane, get out of here and leave.

These say I can leave. Why can't you?

I've never put my foot down with you, girl.

Mum, I don't care what you say or how you try to bully me.

My mind's made up. I'm going and that's that.

So why don't you just get your wool out and knit yourself an iron curtain?

'On a happier note, Elaine Spencer, a Kirkby girl

'and a former pupil of St Gregory's school

'is on her way to Russia.

'Elaine, who fell in love with a Russian sailor

'while spending an evening in Liverpool's State Ballroom

'is convinced her future will be desolate without her new-found love...'

She'll only be round there. All right.

Elaine Spencer?

You are Elaine Spencer? Why? Who wants to know?

Hiya, Josie. Where's Elaine? Oh, hiya.

She won't be a minute. She's just gone to get a loaf.

Quick, get here.

Open the bag.

There's ten legs, four wings and a couple of breasts.

Tell your mother I couldn't get the full bird.

Oh, what are you like!

So you're a communist, then?

No, I'm a human being.

Communists aren't exactly flavour of the month in England, are they?

Hi, Elaine. Er, this is Teresa King.

Ah, the other girl.

Yeah, sorry. What was the name again? King?

With a K.

And I'm her sister, Josie.

I didn't meet him but I read his letters and saw his photograph, so...

If you wanna take a few pictures of me, just help yourself.


So, what did Peter think of your political views, then?

Or were you too busy with other things?

Like what?

Oh, come on. You're in love with him so did you... make love?

Yes, we did.

In our own way.

Er, you go out with sailors, don't you, you and your friend?

Attractive girls so there can't be any shortage of boyfriends.

Look, lad, what are you getting at?

The truth.

The truth is there was no filth or smut. We love each other.

Yeah, I'm sure.

But if you want me to make something up, something to titillate your readers, something cheap and kinky...

Listen, I think your whole story is kinky, dear.

Most people are trying to get out of Russia.

Why do you think they sent you that invitation?

I don't know. I just wrote and explained my situation.

And do you honestly think that the president of the Soviet Union could possibly be interested in your dilemma?

No, I don't, but at least he did write back to me and send me a plane ticket, which is more than the British embassy did.

Yes, I understand that, but... surely it must make you feel a bit strange, leaving your home.

Your surroundings, going to a country with food shortages and a lack of freedom.

Why, been there, have you?

No, I haven't been there, no.

Then how do you know about the food shortages and lack of freedom?

You just take a walk into any back kitchen round here and you'll soon see food shortages.

Going to live in Russia can't be any worse than living here so why are you discouraging me from escaping?

Escape? You wait till you get there.

You'll be desperate to get hold of a bit of my filth and titillation.

No, I won't.

Well, I hope you're right, dear.

I hope you're right.

Aren't you gonna take any photographs?

No, I've got everything I need, thanks.

I'm dead photogenic, me, you know.

I take lovely pictures, I do.

People stop me in the street and tell me how photogenic I am.



What was he saying to you?

He didn't really say anything. He had it written down before he came.

Wanted to know if me and Peter had... Oh, you know.

They wanna know the ins and outs of a cat's arsehole, don't they?

I still think he should have took a picture.

I mean, just look at me.

We're only trying to be reasonable.

It's Russia we're talking about, not a week away in Beddgelert.

You'd like that, seeing me stuck here in Kirkby with no hope.

Mum, I love him. Can't you understand that?

You think you love him. I know I love him.

Why aren't yous celebrating with me?

They lock you up in labour camps, if you speak against the system.

It's true, they do. They tap all the phones as well.

What's wrong with everyone?

I can't believe what yous are saying to me.

And you, who's been getting down your earhole?

You were all for it when I was posting the letter.

What's wrong? Are you scared of being called pinkos or commie lovers?

It's not that, love. We don't want you to get into something you'll regret.

If I stay here I'll live to regret it.

We only want what's best for you, love.

Then make it easy for me and let me go.

You're quite a celebrity. Not really, no.

You are. You've made front-page news. That's quite an achievement.

Why am I here? Just for a little chat.

I'm here to help you if I can.

Now, what I'd like to do is to relax and get to know you a little.

Perhaps you'd like a drink. No, thanks. I'm fine.

Do you mind if I have one? No.

Tell me, Elaine, do you know anyone who's been to Russia?


Well, I've been. I was posted there for three years.

It's a wonderful country. Marvellous people.

Can you speak Russian, then? Da.

I managed to pick up just a little.

So, er, what do your parents think about your impending trip?

They don't want me to go.

Do you know why? Well, yeah. Cos it's Russia.

And I can understand how they feel.

But I love him. Well, of course you do.

And it's that that makes it all the more difficult, isn't it?

You say that you can understand how they feel?

Well, we're not exactly encouraged to go there, are we?

Well, I'm not so sure about that. One thing is certain.

If one of our people decides they wish to go to Russia, there will be nobody to point the finger and say, "No, you can't go".

That is the fundamental difference between our system and theirs.

Here in the West we encourage individualism and freedom.

Whereas in Russia, as you know, a more suppressive system is in operation.

So you can't blame your parents for being upset.

And they can't blame me for being in love.

No, no, no. Of course not.

Love is a very important emotion.

But I think it's very important that I make one or two things clear to you and try to discuss this matter with you without becoming emotional.

Now, let's imagine that you are now living in Russia.

What difficulties are you going to have?

You have no knowledge of the language or the money.

You're not at all acquainted with their customs or culture.

But the biggest obstacle which you will have to overcome is that Westerners, even if they are married to Soviets, are feared and despised.

Yeah, but I'll be with... No, no, let me finish.

If you go to Russia, if you marry and if you become a Soviet citizen, from the moment that you sign the form which makes you eligible for Soviet citizenship

it is unlikely from that time onwards that you will be allowed to leave Russia.

You must understand that you must give up everything.

I haven't got anything to give up.

But you have. You have your youth.

You have your beauty.

You have your freedom.


Now, let's try and look at it another way.

You want to settle down, don't you? Yes.

You want to marry and have children.


Then please, Elaine, wake up.

If you go, you're heading for disaster.

I'm a family man myself. I have a son. I have two daughters.

My oldest girl, Fiona, is round about the same age as you, which is perhaps why I feel so passionately about this.

I feel that you must be told everything so that you can be protected.

Look, I know all that.

And you've been dead nice.

But I'm sorry, I've got a ticket off the president of Russia, one of the most important men in the world.

I'm not afraid of what's round the corner. I love him.

And it's not a holiday romance. He loves me. I know he does.

No matter what you think, people are very concerned about your welfare.

Your parents, your friends and we are concerned.

Now, believe me, it's not an agreeable thing trying to dissuade people from doing things that they feel are right for them.

You must understand that we have a duty to protect our citizens.

I understand.

No, I don't think you do.

This is a picture of Peter, yes?


This is a picture of Peter and his wife.

His what?

I'm very sorry.

What's it like here? One table selling pot, the other table selling knock-off.

I'm not going to Russia. What do you mean, you're not going?

I'm just not. Why?

No one wants me to go. Like who?

My mam, my dad, our Josie.

So what? Sod them. That's why you're going, isn't it?

To get away from all this.

Look, Elaine, I don't want you to go either.

You're my best friend, my copping-off mate.

But if this is your only chance to get away, I'll be the first to encourage it.

I know you would and you have.

He's married.

Peter? I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

It's true.

Hang on. Who dropped this little egg?

You know that fella from the Foreign Office?


Well, he had a photograph of Peter and his wife.

He said it was his wife. What difference does it make?

A lot.

The sneaky, sly bastard.

You know before he showed you the picture of the wife, did he try to stop you from going?

Yeah. And it didn't work, did it?

No. So he pulls out a picture of this woman, says it's Peter's old girl, and that worked, didn't it?

He's not married, Elaine. He is.

And I'm telling you he's not.

Listen, I've had the knickers dragged off me by more married men than you've had hot dinners.

I can spot them a mile off.

If I've learnt one thing, it's this. They don't just hold your hand all night.

The knickers are around your ankles as soon as they look at you.

And they don't give you solid-gold lockets unless you've given them a good time.

It's all propaganda and fear.

They're trying to terrify you into not going.

He's married. I know he is. I saw the photograph of her with him.

He's married and I'm a fool for falling in love with him.

Elaine, I'm thick, as thick as that table, but there's one thing I've got a fucking degree in and that's men so believe me when I tell you Peter isn't married.

You're a divvy if you believe them.

What are yous all getting on at me for? He's married, he's not married.

You can go, you can't go. You love him, you don't love him.

I wish everybody would leave me alone cos I'm going off my head.

So be strong and see it through.

Will you stop pushing me? Just stop pushing me.

Come on, Elaine. Don't, Teresa. Just don't.

He's married, married, married, so will you just leave me alone?

No, I won't leave you alone.

All right, he's married, but you've got a ticket there, haven't you?

Get over there and find out for yourself instead of taking some prick's word for it.

Well, what have you got to lose?

# Always something there to remind me

# I was born to love you

# And I will never be free

# When there is always something there to remind me

# Always something there to remind me #

Come back to ours. Go on.

Go home with you? Yeah. Why not?

No complaints the last time.

Well, that was before I found out you had a sweaty arse.

Now, go on, move it, before I cuff the face off you.

Well, go on.

You bitch.

I got you this. What's that?


She just won't let go. Well, not without a fight.

My mother's like that.

She'll be over there interfering before you know it.

God, I didn't know what to say. She looked awful upset.

Elaine! Elaine! Here, take this.

Oh, Mum! Listen, you'll be freezing over there.

Anyway, I don't want his lot to think you come from a bad home.

Oh, Mum. Go on, get going. You'll miss your plane.

See you, Elaine.


'Have your nerves gone?'

Not really. I thought I'd be more nervous than this.

I've been looking forward to it for so long it's a sort of anti-climax now.

Mind you, my bottle's gonna go when I see Peter.

I wish I was going.

You could have gone if you'd put your mind to it.

No, it just doesn't happen to people like me.

You're dead lucky, Elaine, but I'm made up for you, honest.

It's got nothing to do with luck. I just had a dream, that's all.

I made it all happen myself, but that's what it's all about.

You can have your dream, Teresa. Just go out and get it.

You're lovely and you're wasting your time stuck in Kirkby.

You could have anyone you wanted if you put your mind to it.

Oh, come on, Teresa. What do you dream of?

Drinking vodka, getting fucked and stuffing chickens.

That's it. That's my dream.

Do you remember that night in the hotel when you said you wasn't like me, you're just a straight Kirkby girl?

Well, you're not, are you? The straight ones get left behind.

But they don't have to.

Nothing's stopping you from fucking off.

I am.

I'm stopping me, Elaine.

I'm frightened of what's round the corner.

I'm not the big funny girl everyone thinks, you know.

Big soft-arse really.

Well, I won't tell your secret to anyone.

Anyway, what does it matter?

'Will all passengers flying to Moscow on Flight 3170

'please make their way to Gate A.

'Thank you.'

Well, that's me. I'd better get going.

I'll write as soon as I get there and tell you what it's like.

You better had or I'll get over there and glawn the face off you.

I will, honest. I'll get off, then.

Elaine, look after yourself.

I won't half miss you.

And I'll miss you as well.

Don't forget to write.

I won't.

Oh, Teresa, if it hadn't been for you none of this would have happened.

And do you wanna know something? You're right, I am lucky.

Tell Igor I love him.

# He was on the dancefloor

# I gazed through the light

# I caught your look at a glance

# Felt love at first sight

# I am a Kirkby girl

# He's from the Ukraine

# I'm asking for my chance

# Passion is my dream

# Lockets and stars

# The moon, the sun and the stars

# Our story's just begun

# No sign to tell me your signal would fade

# Into another world

# No sign to tell me your signal would fade

# Into another world

# Your ship has set sail

# Lockets and stars

# In with a chance

# Fresh love

# The moon and romance

# Then we sent a letter to Brezhnev

# We worked out a plan

# Will you take this woman

# Fresh love

# Let me have my man

# Lockets and stars

# The moon meets the rays

# Stars

# The person whom I crave

# Stars

# The moon meets the sun

# Stars

# My story's just begun #