Lez Bomb (2018) Script

Thank you. Does your mom have a favorite flower?

Ah, she loves those red Gerbera flowers.

Do you have a favorite flower?

I don't know.

Well, when you dated people in the past what kind of flower..? what kind of flower did they give you?

I think I've given more flowers than I've received.

What?

Really? Yes.

No. Yes.

You have to let me be the one to give you flowers.

I don't understand people. Who steals a doormat?

How're you doin'?

Oh, I'm missing doormats and losing my mind.

You know what I'm saying.

This is your first Thanksgiving without your dad.

Hi. Hey.

Why, why are you huddled outside my door?

Will you come in to the office to pay, sweetie?

I'm waiting for my daughter to come and bring me the cash.

I'll bring it tomorrow. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

She's...

Excuse me. Can I help you?

I don't know. Who are you? Rose.

This is my hotel.

Oh!

Yeah, I'm just lost.

Okay. Thought it was a diner but...

Yeah, all good. Thanks.

Bye. Bye.

What the hell was that?

I've seen that van before.

You've gotta tell me this stuff.

What stuff? Suspicious stuff.

Your brother is the most suspicious thing around here.

That's true. Alright.

I like you in an apron. Don't get used to it.

So, I've been thinking about something. Oh, yeah, what?

I think maybe you and I should go on a trip.

Oh, yeah? Where do you wanna go?

I don't know. Maybe somewhere for New...

Ahem, Ladies, are we interrupting something?

This is Mimi.

Hi.

Mimi, this is my roommate Lauren, and Hailey.

I have to pee.

I'm sorry. The bathroom is down the hall.

Somethin' smells good. What are we cookin'?

Berry crumble for tomorrow.

What are your Thanksgiving plans? What are you doing?

Mimi invited me to a pot luck in Brooklyn with some friends, so I don't know.

I'm Weighing my options. Oh.

Yeah.

Wait, no, no, stop. Ooh!

Hey, Mrs. Anderson! No, no.

Not, not funny, Austin, seriously? Give me the phone.

Oh, why thank you. Give me the phone.

Hi, mom. Yeah, I'll call you back.

Bye, Mrs. Anderson.

Austin! Yeah. Watch out.

Hey. It's nice to see you too, Hailey.

Always a pleasure, Austin.

I'm gonna check the crumble.

What the hell?

Oh.

Looking for a diner, my ass.

I'm home!

My brother, is up to something.

Well, you gotta fire him. I can't fire my brother.

Work's supposed to keep him out of trouble.

Are you eating blueberry pie?

First of all, it's only 147 calories per slice.

Yeah. Second of all, it's a super-food. And you're a super-man, but it's for tomorrow.

Not this slice.

Okay. Did you watch the turkey carving video?

Well, I did and I didn't.

Dad always carved the turkey. Oh, come here.

I know. I'll watch the video, I promise.

I miss him too.

And he's the only one that would fight me for the dark meat. Oh, please watch the video.

I will, I swear. I mean, how else am I gonna know how carve a dumb turkey?

Yeah. I still love you, though.

Yeah, I love you too.

What are we supposed to do with that?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

No. Hey, mom.

You didn't call me back! Uh, sorry.

Austin sent a smoked turkey again.

I'm making my turkey too. How much turkey does he think we eat?

I have no idea. I mean, he's not even coming this year.

What's with the Wi-Fi? You know, sweetie, technologically, that doesn't do anything. So, did you have a nice night?

Yeah. Just hanging out with Hailey.

When are we meeting the boyfriend? Soon.

When's soon? Mom.

When are you and your friend coming tomorrow?

I need a game plan. I don't like surprises.

I'm coming at, like, 10:00. She's coming a little later.

Okay, okay, I love you. Bye. Muah!

I love you, too. Bye. Muah!

She doesn't like surprises.

Surprise, I'm not a boyfriend. Right.

What should I wear tomorrow?

Um, I don't know, just, casual, comfortable.

My family's super comfortable.

Pajamas? Funny.

What are you gonna say to them?

Mom, dad, I have a girlfriend.

She'll be here, like, real soon.

Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?

Yeah. I don't wanna bombard them.


Did you watch the video yet?

I'm on it.

I want grandchildren. Okay.

I don't wanna be 80, chasing around a 5-year-old.

No. I'm still vivacious.

Yes, you are.

How did we get old? Nobody's old. Who's old?

Just yesterday I was getting high and listening to The Beatles.

Well, yeah, that's what you do... Lauren's walking?

Why would she walk?

I have no idea. Who walks?

What are you doing? Why didn't you call for a ride?

Sorry, I just wanted to walk, clear my head.

Just doing my beads, chanting.

Alright. Well, let me hug my favorite daughter.

Only daughter. Oh, heads up.

Your mom was just talking about grandchildren.

What grandchildren? Exactly.

What are you chanting? Hare Krishna.

If I see you with a tambourine begging for money, I swear to God...

Mom.

Oh, God, do you think we could hide this today?

What? Why?

Um, mom, I'm in a relationship.

Right, that mystery man you're embarrassed to bring home.

Yeah. Help me with the carrots.

Before we get going with the carrots, I wanted to talk to you about...

Yes, tell me, tell me. I keep asking.

Well, I wanted to make sure if it was serious. And?

It's, you know... What are you doing?

Just checking. You see what he's doing?

He's checking his stash.

Stash? Of cookies. He wants to see how many I've eaten.

What? I found the most amazing almond cookie. Unfortunately, she also loves 'em.

The woman can whack a box in a day. Excuse you, I do not.

So... Peel. Talk and peel.

You know, it's important for you guys to know that, like, having feelings for someone, it can take you by surprise. I mean, that you might not expect. I mean, it took me by surprise.

Right? Um, and so I was thinking that, what the...? Who the hell could that be?

If your parents are four hours early I will literally scream.

Can you get that?

I... Can you... Oh!

They did this before. When?

365 days ago.

What are you doing?! Just stretching it out.

Last night was a feat of physical dexterity, with Mimi. No, what are you doing here?

You can't be here. Yeah, your mom invited me.

When? Last night, on the phone.

She said if my plans fell through I was more than welcome to join you guys. Oh, you're not.

What happened to pot luck? I don't want Mimi thinking I want anything serious. Besides, Thanksgiving alone would be so depressing, and your family loves me.

Austin, I'm trying to come out.

On Thanksgiving? That's pretty crazy.

Austin! Hey!

I didn't know you were coming!

Surprise!

Oh, this is great!

Did you get the turkey?

No wonder you sent the turkey.

Okay. I understand. Oh, no.

Austin. Come on in.

Make yourself at home. That turkey was very thoughtful.

See? I'm thoughtful.

This is so great. No, he's not the boyfriend.

How did this happen? No, no, what?

Honey, this is great. I love him.

Mom, no. No, no.

Isn't there a song, like, "Are you my best friend, are you my lover?"

I don't know that song. Isn't there a song like that?

No. Come, oh, my gosh.

He's so great. He's not my boyfriend.

Hello, Mr. Anderson.

Okay. Lauren, I need your focus.

Mom, I need your focus. Peel.

Oh, what are you doing? Having breakfast.

Pie is not breakfast.

Blueberries. With sugar and butter.

Talk sense into your father.

Dad, pie's not breakfast. So good.

I can't serve that now.

Are you eating meat these days? No, mom.

I was really hoping that was a phase.

What are you doing?

Guys, I really need to talk to the two of you alone.

Whatever you have to say, you can say it in front of Austin. He's family.

Yeah. I mean, is he?

That's a legitimate question.

Oh! Sweetie, you can't just dump, you need to measure.

Okay, what's on your mind? Talk, talk, talk.

Last night Hailey and I went to this LPAC thing.

Yes, saw a picture on Instagram. I liked it.

Yeah, you are all over my social media, um.

What is that supposed to mean? Nothing, nothing.

Um I've gotta get a broom.

You went to an alpaca meeting?

LPAC, it's a super PAC for lesbians, for women in power.

It's a political power thing. Since when are you into politics?

And lesbians? Can we please stay focused? Um.

We went to this LPAC thing and then we came home and we made this berry crumble together.

You have got to take one of these brooms.

We just got them at the motel. So you're a feminist now.

They are freakin' great. I'm just trying to stay informed.

Oh, Hailey's not informing you? That's a bummer.

Feel it, sweetie. Yeah, go on.

Feel the broom, feel it.

They gotta feel good. When they feel good, they pick up all the stuff on the floor. You're taking one back.

I just don't understand why women have to gather, to rally.

Because you're not a woman. Uh-huh.

She can ignore me, you can't.

Yeah, I'll take one. Got a broom.

It's important to keep the home clean.

Mom, me and Austin, we don't have a home.

We don't have a home.

I am not against women.

Oh, my God! So, why are you yelling?

Whatever you have to say, we support you.

George, we love Austin, right? Do we?

Austin, come with me now! We're going upstairs!

Okay.

No wonder he sent the turkey. This is very exciting.

I just wish he would have had the decency to ask before moving in together.

They were already living together, so...

As roommates, but this. They're in love.

Living in sin?

Sweetie, this is the 21st century. These things just happen.

These things don't just happen to my daughter.

Fix this. And tell them you're a scissor sister?

No way. No, tell them we're not dating, Austin.

You tell them you're a lesbian. Two birds, one stone.

This is not funny.

Okay. Come on.

Take a deep breath.

Relax.

You're like a balloon. Let me be your strength.

Baby girl, I'm having a crisis.

Does this make me look fat? This says fat, right?

Don't answer that. We're not dating.

Oh, your father's gonna come around.

No, no seriously we're not dating, Mrs. Anderson. I promise you.

He's not the boyfriend. Okay.

Hey, I'm gonna go to the store. Oh, good, wait.

I need walnuts, Ronnybrook yogurt, pistachios for your father and Jarlsberg cheese.

That's your favorite, right? Yeah, text it to me.

Okay. Hands off, you wanna come with?

I have nothing to wear. Nothing fits.

Your father keeps bringing home cookies.

Shirt looks nice. Yeah.

I'm sad today without my dad.

I know, mom. I'm sorry.

I miss him too.

I love you, mom.

I love you too.

Okay.

Text the list.

Text the list.

Hey, mom, I really gotta talk to you about Hailey.

About Hailey? Yeah.

Okay. I understand, though.

What do you understand?

I'm excited to meet your friend, but I get it's hard maintaining friendships when you're in a relationship.

What are you talking about? It's a real best friend when someone else takes that place.

You've had a lot of best friends.

What? I thought we were best friends.

But you don't tell me anything anymore.

I tell you things, mom. Tell me how to spell Jarlsberg?

It's a J.

J-A-R-L-S... B-U-R-G or B-E-R-G?

Okay, well, Hailey's at the station now. Okay.

So, I guess I'll just go. You want me to come?

No. How do I look? Do I look okay?

Good, you look good. What does that mean?

For someone who's doing all this meditating you're awfully stressed, sweetie.

Maybe you're not doing it right. Maybe, maybe it's reversing your brain waves. You're making it worse, mom.

Do you want anything while I'm texting your father?

No. Okay.

Um...

Where's the store?

Well, you know, I just thought I'd get you away from the hubbub of the house, have a little chat man-to-man. Okay.

Just had a couple of questions.

How long have you been dating my daughter?

Oh, yeah, no, no, sir. We're not dating.

Don't lie to me. Oh, no, I'm not lying.

Okay. Let me rephrase.

How long have you been sleeping with my daughter?

Oh, what do you mean?

What do I mean?

Okay, what has Lauren told you?

Nothing gets past me.

We're not dating.

You're saying you've never slept with my daughter?

Is that what you're saying?

Okay, okay. Yeah, um.

Yeah, so we slept together once and, um...

It never happened again. It was just one time and it didn't mean anything.

It didn't mean anything?! Well, I didn't mean like that.

You know, it's just that we... You slept with my daughter and it didn't mean anything!

No, it meant something.

It just, we're not dating.

You better be dating if you're sleeping with my daughter!

But I... Take a look around.

You see anybody? No.

You think you'll be missed? What?

Ten.

Nine. Oh, god, are you counting down to kill me? Eight.

Okay, okay, yep.

Seven. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, we're dating.

Six. We're dating, we're dating, we're dating.

I am obsessed with her. Five.

I love her. She is a great human being! Four.

I think you birthed an amazing little girl. Three!

I'm dating your daughter! Okay.

Man asks a simple question, just give a straight answer.

Hey. Hi.

I made it.

Oh, I got this for your mom.

Oh, that was really nice.

And these. That was so thoughtful.

Everything okay? Mm-hm. Yeah.

So, how far is it from here?

Just, it's, uh, it's really close.

So close.

So, how did it go?

You look really nice.

So, Austin...

I don't wanna talk about Austin.

No, I know. It's just that...

Lauren, today is about you and me.

And today's totally still about you and me, but I should tell you that Austin is...

Right! So no Austin.

Okay, but the thing is...

If you say Austin one more time, I'm gonna get out of this car.

Welcome to my home. It's so cute.

Yeah. Um, don't look at that.

Okay, now I have to. Come on.

Oh, God. Oh, wow.

Yes. This is amazing.

It's a whole lotta me.

You must be Hailey. Hi, these are for you.

Oh, these are my favorite. That is so nice.

It is such a pleasure to finally meet you. We've heard so much about you.

Oh, thank you so much for having me. Oh, you're so welcome.

I was just looking at this amazing collage.

Pretty great, right? Yes, it is so embarrassing.

No, it's beautiful. She's always beautiful to me.

Okay.

Hey, Hailey. Austin?

I need to talk to you.

There you go. Whoa, are you okay?

Oh, you went lumberjack chic, too.

That's what I tried to tell you in the car on the way over here.

I'm really sorry.

What the hell, Austin?

Hello. I'm George.

Hi, I'm Hailey. Pleasure.

What's Austin doing here? Oh, he just surprised us.

I might kill him. The feeling's mutual.

Why did you tell your father that we slept together?

I would never tell him that. He was all like, you slept with my daughter.

Did, did you just tell my father we slept together? He knew!

He's with our daughter in her bedroom. I know.

This is for the two of you.

Thank you both so much for having me and welcoming me into your home on Thanksgiving.

Your daughter is amazing. I can't tell you how much this means.

Lauren told me how important you are. Oh.

So, tell us about Austin. Yeah, what's his deal?

Um, he's fine.

He wants to kill me! Legitimately kill me!

Austin, I might kill you. I might kill you.

I might actually kill you.

This must be tough. You get jealous?

Of? Austin.

It's okay, you can tell me.

I guess. They're just so close.

Of course. They have a special connection.

Special, my ass.

And I understand. It's totally natural.

Well, I don't think I've admitted that before.

Even to Lauren. Don't worry.

It'll all work out.

When they get married, you'll still be close friends.

Um, what?

Oh, me and Austin are not dating.

Austin and I. You were an English major.

Why don't we go outside, get some fresh air.

We'll be right back. Come on.

Where the hell is he going? Stop.

What's he doing here?

Yeah, I was planning on telling them, and then the doorbell rang and my parents just kind of assumed...

You were getting married.

He sent a turkey. He sent a turkey?

I know, I know.

Listen, I will make this better.

Okay.


That is just horrifying. What?

The neighbors do not need to see this kid's pelvis!

What are you talking about?

I never liked the idea of her moving in with some guy off of Craig's List.

Oh, I remember vividly you saying: "That kid's got a good head on his shoulders." Remember? I'd like to knock that head off his shoulders.

Oh, you don't like any of Lauren's boyfriends.

Remember that nice kid Johnny? You gave him PTSD.

That Johnny was a bum.

Meanwhile, we invite this Austin into our home for Thanksgiving and he clearly deceived us with his intentions.

How could you not fall in love with our daughter.

He's got her lying to us. She never lied to us.

Sweetie.

Do you think she's pregnant?

Where's the sharpener? No, no.

What? It's my grandparents.

So we're playing straight today.

They're not listening to me!

Maybe they'll listen to you. Why don't you give it a try? Go tell them.

What? You go tell my parents.

No. Okay, I just met them.

I am not coming out for you.

Austin. Oh, what a surprise!

Hello, Anderson grandparents.

Call me Josephine.

Grandpa gets it done.

And don't you worry. I got your smoked turkey.

He's arm-in-arm with your grandma.

I am not with Austin. I am with you, okay?

They're going to love you.

Walk along like you know how.

I'm waiting for you, bitch.

Oh, I can walk. Look at the...

Oh, well, oh, good. okay. Well.

Well, keep up.

You're gonna be the death of me.

Oh, the death of you will be your cholesterol.

Oh, really? Did you ever hear of Lipitor?

Oh, wait a second. Lepicore?

Lipitor. Lipitor. I have no idea.

Ask your doctor. Ask... should I get some?

Jesus Christ.

What are the side effects? Death.

Keep walking. You don't have to wait for me.

I don't need a helper. Well, you need something.

Let's go in there so that they can see you by my side and they can process it and I'll clear this all up, alright?

Fine.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving. I'm so happy everyone's early.

You wore those pants again? Look at them.

Yeah? Yes, I did.

Well, thank heaven I didn't dress up.

Well, they're very comfortable. Here.

They're very heinous. They may be heinous, but something smells awfully good.

Well, this is so great because, you know, your son ate the entire pie I was planning to serve for breakfast.

Oh, pie is okay for breakfast.

Maybe everyone can congregate in the living room.

Austin sent me one of those smoked turkeys now I'm excited about Thanksgiving. Mm-hm.

That's good. This man ate a whole pie?

Part of a pie. She's exaggerating.

Pig, oink. Uh, everyone?

Can I have your attention?

We're dating. Yes, Austin and Lauren are dating.

You're misunderstanding. Oh, no, no.

That's wonderful. No, Grandma. Stop it.

No, Grandma, stop kissing Austin. Oh, no, no, no.

It's not what you think. But it's very meaningful.

There's just a bit of confusion here. Yeah, listen.

You work with Lauren?

Yeah. Hailey is a lawyer, um.

She actually makes money. So do you.

How is the writing coming? Bet you got a whole lot of new material now.

Her writing's going really well. Tell them.

What kind of law? Uh, environmental law.

All about shrubbery and bushes. I love shrubbery.

I don't know anything about environmental law, but I learn something new every day.

As did I, madame, the day I married you 'til today.

What's the newest thing you've learned?

You, ma'am, have major game.

Alright, you two get a room. So, um, Hailey and I met in yoga.

Thought you weren't supposed to talk in yoga.

Well, she hates rules.

Hailey is not my friend.

She's your best friend.

I liked that picture of you two on Instagram last night. That was beautiful.

She's talking about the LPAC event. Yeah.

Lesbians for women in power.

Yeah, we got a bunch of feminists in the house.

Are you two wearing the same shirt?

Okay. Come with me.

Okay. Excuse me.

He goes too?

They're not listening. I told you.

No, like, they're really not listening.

I mean, okay, they're still my family.

Jesus Christ! How many times do I have to knock before someone answers the door?

What's with the girl in the van?

Oh, Jesus Christ! Mike!

Happy Thanksgiving to you too! Mike, Mike!

What? You heard me.

I don't even know what you're talking about! What?

Oh, I don't believe you. Where's the cranberry sauce?

What? I asked you to bring one thing.

Oh, wait. Oh, woah, woah. I brought wine.

Oh, great. I brought wine.

So we're drinking again. That makes me happy.

So, this is your bedroom? This is it.

I'm so glad we're sharing this moment with Austin.

No one wants to out you guys more than me right now.

Why exactly are you here? How was I supposed to know you were gonna drop the lez bomb today? Why did you send a turkey?

Because her grandmother liked it last year.

You're deliberately trying to sabotage me.

Shut up. Both of you.

We'll go with the flow and when the right moment presents itself I will tell them we're in a relationship. Okay.

Alright, listen, you just have to rip off that Band-Aid.

I didn't want there to be any ripping. I know.

It's not how it was supposed to happen. Oh, I know.

Sorry. Hey, it's gonna be okay.

So, this is your bedroom? This is my bedroom.

All of this was made here.

How did you even fit on the bed with all these stuffed animals?

I don't know. I'm actually not sure.

Who's this guy? This is Teddy.

I lacked imagination.

This is, like, quite the introduction to 6-year-old Lauren.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

Hey, mom! Oh!

Happy Thanksgiving! All my children.

Oh, it smells so good in here.

You look so handsome. Really?

Yes, I really like this hairdo. Why don't I have a girlfriend then?

This deserves a girlfriend. It's so touchable.

Hey, I did bring a little bit of laundry Oh, how great, I love doing laundry. for us to do.

But I don't know how to do it. So I thought, you know, you.

Yeah, we'll have a class in that. It's all good.

♪ Dashing through the snow... ♪ Honey, one holiday at a time, please.

Can I have my phone back now? Jess.

Would you give her the phone back? Don't make me the bad cop.

You are the bad cop.

Hey. Don't push it. Thank you.

Okay, here we go. Let's have a good time.

Can I please have my phone now?

No.

And don't slam the door.

Can we just eat some food and give thanks?

No. I'm not thankful.

How about giving thanks for me birthing you?

Push a child out of your vagina for 32 hours.

You won't be crying about that phone. Mom, don't say vagina.

And don't mention the spinach dip.

Hey, the good guys are here!

Hey! Hi, are you?

I'm very, very well, Maggie.

Hey there, beautiful lady. Oh.

Happy Thanksgiving, mom. You kiss her on the lips?

I love you. Hey, tough guy. How you doin'?

I'm doing great. Yeah?

I feel great. I got the appetite back.

How do I look? Like a 100 damn dollars.

You actually asked him if he felt good?

Look at the woman's face that he brought with him.

I mean, how could you not feel good? Pop, come on.

Jessica. Hi, Mike.

Maggie. Hi!

The whole gang is here. Great.

This is Hailey. John.

Hi. Do you want some meat?

No, thanks, I actually don't eat meat.

Oh. Are you a vegetarian?

Yeah. Wait, you're the one that turned my daughter vegetarian?

No, actually, she turned me vegetarian.

She doesn't eat meat, but she eats pie. So do you.

Mom, can I have my phone? Not until you learn that my privacy is my privacy.

She has taken to filming me in the bathroom.

Got enough? Mm-hm.

On the toilet, in the shower, waxing, shaving.

Waxing is my favorite one. Oh, my god.

Well, that's flattering. That's flattering, right?

Yes, the evil spawn. Real flattering.

Somebody said there was gonna be turkey.

You are an evil spawn, you really are. Oh, yes, it's hilarious.

You should have some wine. I don't want wine.

It's the bottle that Hailey brought. Great.

Is there a reason you don't want wine?

A specific reason? You like drinking?

That's it? Dad, I don't want wine.

Do you want the wine? Ahh, No.

I'm thinking you might want some.

Lauren, can you grab me some extra oven mitts from downstairs?

Oh, I'll go get them. The big... Lauren, can you show Hailey where the extra oven mitts are?

Mom, can you ask dad why he's being crazy?

She doesn't want any wine. Where the hell is the turkey?

Amen. I'm with Pop. Let's eat.

It's roast beef.

You need to talk to them. Okay.

You need to drink that wine. Getting drunk's not gonna fix anything.

They think you're pregnant. No.

Oh, yeah. They think you came home to tell them you're in a relationship with Austin and you're pregnant. Congratulations.

Oh, my God.

I just need to get my mom alone for, like, a minute.

Is someone smoking pot?

I don't think so. Nobody smokes.

What?

My uncle is smoking weed in Pop-pop's bathroom!

My uncle, this, my Pop-pop used to live down here.

My uncle's in there smoking and shaving. My mom's gonna kill him.

Why is he shaving? Why is he smoking?

Ask if he wants to share? That's not funny.

I'm not joking. I'll be right back.

No. Just give me, just give me five minutes.

No. Just give me... Please.

Please just give me five minutes to talk to my mom.

You get one minute.

Only 'cause you look so cute in that dress.

I like you in flannel.

Relax. I'll be right back.

Shit.

Oh, good. Lauren.

No, not right now. Your friend.

No. Yeah, we had a connection.

There's no connection. Tell me one thing.

What kind of guys does she date?

She is unavailable.

Hey, listen. What?

Mike's smoking weed in Pop-pop's bathroom.

Is he gonna share? John!

What? What do you want me to do about it?

I just need everyone to pull their shit together for five seconds while I talk to mom.

Can you just help me do that. That's fair.

She's in the kitchen, you know, basting away. Okay.

No. Where are you going? Stay. Where's Hailey? I just wanna have a stimulating conversation with somebody actually... She seems smart. I'll see you later.

Here. What the hell? This cannot be right.

According to this, the turkey's done. According to this, we ate it already.

Vegetarian or not, you need to try the smoked turkey, Lauren.

It was a gift from your boyfriend. It wasn't.

If she's gonna try meat, it's gonna be my meat.

Can you at least try my gravy? I'm not trying meat today.

Oh, yes, you are. You're trying this gravy.

You really want to. How about I try it, and we can go talk?

We're talking right now. Try the gravy. We're not talking.

Mmm. It's so good, right? It's really good.

Why?

This is the best one I have ever made.

That is great.

Rose. Yeah.

I hate to tell you.

You don't fry with olive oil.

No, I learned that. Oh, they told us that in Greece.

Never. Okay.

We're in New Jersey. You use canola oil or coconut oil.

Really? Huh!

You know, when I was a young girl and I had an itchy lady garden, Excuse me? I put just a drop of olive oil on a cotton swab and pat it down there. Oh, my God!

That's so great.

How often would you do that? Every single time.

Have you ever had an itch down there? Never.

Never. That's never happened to me. Mom, I need my phone.

I need to film this. Oh, yeah, that's not happening because you and your friends do too much of that snatching...

Snap-snapping? of drugs and naked pictures.

I'm not doing any of that. Okay, whatever.

All I'm saying is your generation is over-sexualized.

No, that was never Lauren.

What? You were an angel.

Do you remember when you asked me what this meant?

I literally wanna die. Wait, what?

Some brat at school did that and she wanted to know what he was talking about, right?

Okay, can you stop making that motion, forever.

This...? You, no.

Mom, let me live my life, okay?

Tell them about the Spin the Bottle.

Mom, this is not a roast! Okay, Lauren, Lauren called me in seventh grade.

It was sixth grade. It was seventh grade.

It was sixth grade. And everybody was playing Spin the Bottle, right?

I didn't want my first kiss to be with some random guy.

Right, and you called me, your mom. Yes.

I snuck off and called my mom and asked her if I should play.

What'd she say? What'd you say? I said you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing.

But you hang up the phone and don't tell anyone you called.

Loser. Yes, I was not cool.

I miss those days. You told me everything.

I just want some clarification. You and Austin?

Not together. Why are you keeping it secret?

I'm not keeping it a secret! I've been trying to tell everyone.

We're not together! I've got an idea.

Take this, put it in your hand and pray.

And pray to God that someday you figure out that you can get your shit together.

Put that rosary away. What shit?

Put it away. Why?

We only use it for important things.

God belongs in your house every day of your life, lady.

We're not talking about God right now, we're talking about your rosary.

Jessica, do you have a boyfriend? Change of subject.

I'm so into lacrosse players.

Is Austin a lacrosse player? Lacrosse?

Where do you see lacrosse players?

You don't know what I do.

Rose, I need more...

Where are you going? I need more chairs.

They're in the basement. Mike's, uh, smoking weed down there. What?!

How is that surprising? What are you chewing?

Nothing, I'm not chewing.

Look at that! One of my cookies!

Mike! What?!

What the hell are you doing? I'm shaving!

I smell weed. I'm shaving!

You're smoking in our deceased father's bathroom!

It's all in your head. No.

I'm telling you, Rose, stop it. Ah!

Rose, there's something wrong with you. Where is it, where is it?

What are you laughing at? Rose, I'm kind of worried about you.

What is so goddamn funny? You don't look normal right now.

You don't look normal. You are doing...

No, I'm kind of depressed! I've gotta relax!

Oh, yeah. That's called being an adult! Welcome to... Okay, Rose.

You look like Grandma, you look just like grandma.

I am so going to kill you. Goddamn it.

I have had it. I am not your goddamn mother! I didn't do anything!

Right over there I saw Lauren kiss Hailey.

Lauren's dating Austin.

Kids these days think they can have their gluten-free cake and eat it too.

Well, what should we do about it?

You do nothing. I'll handle this.

You put those hands on me, you get bossy and it turns me on, still.

So, no meat at all? Nope.

Well, where do you get your protein? Oh, Hailey eats fish.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. There's a name for that.

It's a p, p, pescatarian.

You're a pescatarian. No, I'm not.

Semantics. Maybe I should be a pescatarian.

Hey, we were just talking about Hailey's meat-eating habits.

Austin's telling your brother I eat fish.

What do you think about that, Lauren?

Gosh, it starts with a P, right?

Yeah, pescaterian. It's on the tip of the... No.

That's right. Am I wrong? No, it's not. That's not it.

Lauren? Lauren! Oh, no.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Not pescatarian. I'll tell you later.

I wanna make sure you're comfortable, you know?

Mi casa is your house.

Thanks. Yeah.

You play lacrosse?

Yeah, in high school.

Hm. Nice.

Lauren! What's going on, Grandma?

You never bring the side dish with the main dish.

Huh?

You don't think I know what's going on?

You and Hailey? Yes. Me and Hailey.

Yeah. Wow.

I didn't think that you'd be the first person to figure that out.

You like to share your vegetarian plates and throw meat in when you feel like it.

Wait, what? You, Hailey, Austin.

I don't care what you do on your own personal time, but you don't bring the side dish with the main course home for the holidays.

No, I'm with Hailey. There's not Austin.

There's no side dish.

Don't bullshit me. He sent a turkey.

I'm not bullshitting you.

Hey, Lauren. Your brother's....

Yeah. John? Stop waving at my friend. Quit cock-blocking me.

I'm watching you.

Shut the door. It's cold outside.

Uh...

I saw the two of you kissing.

Nice seeing you both.

What? What do you want?

John, stop hitting on Hailey. Okay. I think she might be into it, so I really don't wanna stop. She's not into it. She's not into it.

Okay, she might be. She's not into it at all.

You know what? I'm picking up some things.

And if you think I don't know when I'm getting the eyes, Then you're wrong. There's no eyes.

You're not her type. This is one of those amazing, beautiful romances that's just starting to blossom.

What are you talking about? You can't cover it up.

She just showed up! Well, yeah. You know.

John, listen to me. You have to relax!

I sense that you're worked up. Listen to me!

OK. Hailey is my girlfriend.

Oh. Oh.

Okay? Yeah.

But, you made out with tons of my friends in high school. Oh, my God, I made out with one and it wasn't Thanksgiving. Let it go! But you did. I saw I owe you one. I owe you one. Don't... Put your finger away!

I owe you one. Put the finger away.

Okay. You know what? If you don't think I can make out with her, then I will take that as a challenge.

Don't. You're room smells like farts.

Get out. So maybe you wanna do something about that.

Why don't you get over there so I can keep an eye on you.

You alright? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they just they did a lot of cutting around the muscle.

So you're gonna blame cancer for your shitty golf game?

You look alright, buddy.

Don't lie to me. I look like shit.

Well, there's that.

Hey, what's the deal with dad and the rosary?

Well, he, uh...

promised to do the rosary every day if you'd beat cancer.

So, he's screwed.

You look good, though. You eating healthy?

From the guy who eats pie for breakfast. And lunch.

You know, George, I feel good. Good.

I feel like a teenager. Like a really old, out of shape teenager.

Fore! On your house!

Okay. I need a new thermometer.

Lauren, get me a new thermometer for Christmas.

That's all I want. Great.

I'm hungry. Hey, sweetie?

I have your baby clothes up in the attic.

Mom, there's no reason for baby clothes. Oh, okay.

Is something burning in here?

No, it's the smoked turkey? I mean, my turkey's fine.

It smells. That's not a turkey.

Yeah, what's with the smoked turkey?

It's a family tradition. Hailey, what's up?

I am gonna be an awesome grandma.

Yo, would a rational, pregnant person do this?!

Yeah, boy. Oh, boy. God. Wow. Oh, Wow.

No, no way to get that.

Oh, my god, no. So awesome.

There's no baby. You just killed it.

There was never a baby, mom. There was never a baby.

Get the turkey! Wait, wait!

Okay, everybody out now!

Save the turkey and get out! Come on!

Hailey and I have been dating for six months.

No one seems to give a shit about anything.

Move, move get out! Alright, we're coming!

George! Where are mom and dad?

Has anybody seen my brother?

Okay, we gotta go now. We gotta go.

The house is okay, but the basement's got a lot of smoke damage.

What caused the fire? A joint, Chief.

Does he wanna share?

It's gonna be ok, mom. Why don't we go to the motel and have Thanksgiving there?

Yeah, okay. Okay.

Oh, my God, it's all dad's stuff. I know.

His...

His baseball bats. I know.

It's gonna be okay. His bird box and...

It's gonna be okay. Oh, God.

Yeah. Um.

I'll be right back. Are you gonna be okay?

Yep.

Oh! Oh. Happy Thanksgiving, Rose.

Oh, Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. And that is one hell of a way to smoke a turkey.

Dick.

Hey, where are you going?

Your brother's going to give me a ride to the station.

I tried to tell them, you heard me.

No, I know, I'm sorry. Look, I'm just really uncomfortable.

I mean, this is crazy, right? John?

What? Hailey's staying. You're staying.

No, she said she wanted a ride. I'll give her a ride.

What's your deal anyway? You seem really depressed. Give me Hailey's bag.

I can hold onto a bag, okay?

You have to stay, please. I need my friend's support.

Look, I get it that your family doesn't wanna hear about your friend today.

But I think they need to know.

I need to know that my friend has my back.

And I need my friend to be open and honest about her feelings.

Friends are there even when it's inconvenient.

They're there when you need them the most.

She sounds like she's pretty hard to be friends with, right?

Probably not even bother. Give me Hailey's bag.

Hey, you should mediate a little bit. Give me Hailey's bag.

Sibling rivalry. Hey, guys. I think it would be good.

Who am I riding with? Guys, we can, we can fit we can fit three in our backseat.

Mom, you're gonna get sick. Hey, we got the food in the driveway!

We can have, like, a picnic, man! Oh, make him be quiet.

It's a beautiful day, you know! Make him shut up.

Make him shut up or I will die. Come on, we're all here, you know?

I mean, there's no reason we all gotta climb in the car and go to the motel!

Seriously! Hey, Austin.

My parents said you're coming with us.

Cool.

Uhh. I know.

We're just gonna go to the motel. Okay.

And we're gonna have a perfect Thanksgiving dinner.

You're gonna come. You are a saint for putting up with all this.

Oh, Mrs. Anderson. Oh, it's gonna be okay.

These are Ken's keys, and this is Ken's car, but it's just they're not working for Ken and... Sweetie find the keys that work for that car or find a car that goes with those keys, okay?

Johnny? Put on your big boy pants.

Don't let the panic win. So, you're coming back to the motel with us, right?

Oh, yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yeah.

Thank you so much for having me. Oh, you're welcome.

So, we're just all gonna go to the motel? Yep.

Alright. Roommates. John!

What? Leave Hailey alone.

I'm not, not leaving her alone.

You're talking too much. I've been talking to everybody.

Stop it, just go away. Guys, guys?

Stop it, just go away. Guys, guys?

I can't go in the house. Okay.

He's a moron. Here we go.

He's a moron. Here we go, come.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry he's harassing you.

Work on your attitude! We're good?

Shut up! We're all good!

What's with the smoked turkey?

How many times are we gonna go through this today?

Austin sent it.

What? He doesn't like your turkey?

Does Austin not like my turkey?

No, mom. It was just a gesture.

It was a peace offering. He knew I wanted to kill him.

If you're gonna eat turkey today, it's gonna be my turkey.

See, Lauren? Your mom doesn't want you eating Austin's meat.

I thought you don't eat meat. I don't.

Do you have any allergies I should know about, Hailey?

Just bees. Okay, I'm not gonna cook bees, so that's fine. I was gonna make us dinner.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

So, now, how long have you and Lauren been officially together?

Yeah, no, it's not official. Oh.

What the hell would you call it? Keeping your options open?

Yep, nope! that's not...

Not keeping our options open. We're just roommates.

Mm-hm.

Roommates.

No phone. Disgusting casserole.

Hey, it is not a casserole, it is a spinach dip.

And it's the best goddamn spinach dip in this part of the country.

Yeah. Salty, it's buttery, the edges get a little bit texture-y.

It's fantastic. That, to me, I mean, I don't know.

It just seems perfect. Well, also I steam...

If you pull it out a little early, sometimes we get a situation.


Are you kidding me?

Hey, mom? Yeah, sweetie.

Let's try to enjoy what's left of the day.

Pop-pop would have wanted us to have a lovely Thanksgiving.

That was very well put. Okay? Okay?

Alright? Wait a sec, what?

Probably I'll stay over there and we'll...

Hey, John, maybe make yourself useful.

Yeah, no problem. I was just saying we could figure out sleeping arrangements whenever it's good for everyone.

We're obviously sharing a room.

It's not an option.

Hey, listen. My mom is at boiling point. Let me just bring her back to zero, okay?

I get it. I get it.

It's all about preserving your mom's emotions.

You know, maybe I should just get together with John.

That'll make her happy. You're being ridiculous.

Your cousin is sexually harassing me.

You need to deal with that. I can't deal with anything else today.

Can you take this? Yeah.

Okay, okay, I got it. I got it.

What is going on here? This parking lot is for guests only.

Hey, is everything okay here? Everything is great.

Guests only, please.

I'm with Mike. Yeah.

She's, uh... Ro... Emma. This is my guest.

Yes, hello, family Yeah. that was not supposed to be here with me today.

We had this little accident at the house. Little accident?

Little? Little my ass Is everything okay here?

You're little. You're little. Is everything okay here, mom?

Jeez. Everything is fine.

Bring it down a notch. Everything's fine.

Come on. We're gonna go have some dinner and our bellies will be full of surprise, we'll be on our way.

Let's, you know, we'll... Let's make the most of it, the best of it.

Right? The best of it.

Hey, mom, can I grab a key for me and Hailey to grab a room?

Yes, go ahead. Okay. You good here?

Yeah, I'm great here.

I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you.

You know, today was supposed to be a really important day.

Yeah, well, how was I supposed to know that?

Why exactly are you here? 'Cause, I like Lauren's family.

What? You like Lauren.

Okay. Alright. Alright. Look, you're frustrated, because her family welcomed me with open arms.

No, no. Yeah.

I'm frustrated because you've managed to hijack the entire day.

They think you guys are a couple. That's not my fault.

You and Lauren are never going to be a couple, okay?

I hope you realize that.

You guys have been dating for six months, right?

We've been living together for three years.

Guess who knows Lauren better?

How the hell did Mike start that fire? Smoking pot.

Where'd he get the weed? He's probably dealing again.

I didn't realize he was selling ever. Oh, yeah.

Interesting.

Interesting. Failed at it, of course.

He'll probably fail at it again. Yeah.

They're ripping out the flowers again! Who?

I don't... Holy...!

Fuck!

Johnny, stop pretending to help. You can actually help.

Well, it's heavier than it looks, mom.

I'm putting the spinach dip right here.

Okay, that's great, Maggie.

I can do that. Let me help you with this, Mrs. Anderson.

I'm happy to help. I can just spread a tablecloth or whatever I need to do here.

Relax if you want or...

Oh! Yeah.

George? Hey!

Watch the damn turkey video.

Okay, I will watch the video.

Now. Absolutely.

Why wouldn't I? Rose!

Somebody's calling!

Would you mind closing the door, honey?

Yeah? Ah-hah.

Your brother and his friend.

Yeah, I know, I know. What the hell's going on here?

Let me call the police. I got this.

I can't call the cops on Mikey.

That's why you're gonna let me call the cops on him, okay?

I can't. Yeah, you can do it.

Just come inside and just act normal. I am not going inside.

Are you out of your mind? Please come inside?

Please come inside? Do you wanna get this done?

Oh, my... Are we gonna get this done? Are we gonna be professional?

Let's go inside. Do you wanna be professional?

I am a professional. Do you wanna try and be a professional?

Oh, my God! You are the absolute worst!

I've been a professional for a while.

Oh, yeah, so professional.

We can stay in here tonight.

Shouldn't we be sleeping in separate beds?

Funny.

Lauren. Okay.

I think Uncle Mike's dating a gay lady.

Yeah. I know a lesbian when I see one.

Hi, Hailey. Hey.

What are you doin'? What are you guys doin'?

Okay, bye. Okay, bye.

Impeccable gaydar, that one. Spot on.

I'm glad there's so many love connections happening.

I know, and my whole family will know about this one.

We'll be laughing about this someday, I'm sure.

It's nice to have a moment away from my family.

I was really excited to meet them today.

I know.

They're gonna love you. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned.

It just... doesn't feel good not to be worth talking about.

Of course you're worth talking about.

You know, I adore you.

Hey, dad? Hey.

I really need to talk to you.

Yeah, you and Austin are not sharing a room.

That's not happening. I don't wanna share a room with Austin.

It's the first Thanksgiving without Pop-pop.

It's really important that we make this a nice dinner for mom.

There's something I have to talk to you both about.

Oh, yeah, what's up?

Hailey and I... I mean, you're right about your mom.

She's not having an easy go of it with Pop-pop passing and... this place.

Mike. She's sad.

She misses you. You guys were so close, you know?

We're still close, dad.

You wanted to tell me something?

Let's just have a really nice Thanksgiving dinner?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It starts with the carving, apparently.

I mean, just watch the video. Is it just "YouTube carving,"

"YouTube comma carving?"

"Turkey video carving" in the Internet will lead you right there.

Right there.

This was supposed to be an easy merchandise move.

And now you're asking me to pretend to be your girlfriend.

Just relax, Emma. Everybody's gonna be eating.

You can do your business.

Yeah, I hope I can do my business, okay?

You weren't even supposed to be here, okay?

You don't mess with the cartel! Okay!

And that's another thing about the cartel!

I should be part of this cartel! Hey, guys.

I've been wanting... For the last time...

What are you guys doing out here? Not much.

Nature.

Question. You carryin'?

What?

You know. Hey.

Oh, man, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Come on, Mike.

Yes, hi. He is selling.

Dude, this is my sister's husband's brother.

I don't care who he is. We have merchandise to move.

How much are you looking for?

A joint?

Now you're just wasting my time.

Oh, mom's stuffing is so good. Thank you, sweetie.

So, Hailey, how strict a vegetarian would you say that you are?

Hey, John? We're exclusively vegetarian.

I mean, can she handle, like, a little sausage?

Come on. What the hell's the matter with you?

I just want her to taste mom's stuffing. There's bits of little sausages in it.

I don't even know whether to accept that as what that is, but it's the grimmest shirt I ever saw in my life that you're wearing.

Grandpa, I couldn't agree more. That's the ugliest sweater I've ever seen.

Well, truthfully, I don't love it either, but mom picked it out Wow. and she is great.

So, Hailey, I'm a good man with a good soul.

There's a good chance I'm gonna murder you this Thanksgiving, John.

Yeah, well, I took out a hell of a life insurance policy on myself so you can make me a very rich man.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Mike sold me some weed.

Oh, my God, we have a teenage daughter in there and you're out here doing drugs?

Barely. Come on.

That is a shit ton of weed!

Honey, they don't sell it like they used to.

And you plan on smoking all of that? I don't know.

Mike's girlfriend scared the shit out of me.

How are you feelin'? Better.

Well, get back inside, before you get us all arrested.

What the hell?

Do you need help with the chair?

Uh, no. I've got it.

Hey, what you got there, Josephine?

Digestive enzymes. Nice.

Lot of food to digest today... as well as new information.

What kind of information?

Look what I found. Look what I found. My spinach dip.

Somebody's dug into it. I didn't even get a taste.

There was a guy.

Oh, honey. It's perfect.

Happy Thanksgiving. Can you move, Johnny?

Don't worry about dropping it, it's dead.

Here we go.

What we need to do is carve it.

It just needs to be carved and then we're, we're good, we're all good.

Rose, that turkey looks like ass. Old ass.

You know what? You look like old... Mikey, would you please come into the kitchen with me?

I'd rather stay here. I think I'd rather you...

Ow! You wrinkled my good shirt! You tell me what's going on.

You tell me what's going on or I am calling the cops on your friend.

Sure, sure! She's my girlfriend and I love her.

You love her? Yeah.

What's going on? What's going on? Nothing's going on, nothing.

You tell me what's going on. Nothing. Ow!

You broke my rib, or my ass or something.

Anyway, Hailey, I thought I could make you a plate. John!

I know you don't normally eat a lot of meat, but... John, she is I am an immovable wall! not going to eat the turkey.

Okay, I find this very awkward. Oh, my god.

You know, today might be the day I try something new.

See? She might want... Am I allowed to eat?

Oh, you're allowed to, I'm just watching you.

She does not want any turkey. No, he's right, Lauren.

I'd usually go for a big hunk of breast, but maybe today I'd like a juicy drumstick, you know?

You're gonna have to move while I prepare a plate because it's feeling very sexual...

This is the Thanksgiving I'm going to kill you. And you need to do this for me.

You're the best spinach dip maker in the world. You're pushing my buttons.

Button push.

Jesus Christ. What have we got here?

I'm gonna go cool off. I'm gonna do my tens, where I count to 10 in the other room. Yes, yes.

And you need to grow up while I'm gone, okay? because I can't deal with your childish behavior.

I'm sorry about her. It's okay, John.

Thank you for being so understanding.

I know, but... I love you and I love this spinach dip.

Which do you love more? Happy Thanksgiving.

I do like these chips. I don't know if they're...

What?

Are you drinking?

Mom, it's a holiday. No!

Don't... Get!

Dad. Seriously?

Not happening, no! Getting the edge off, mom.

The edge off of what?

Between the breast and the drumstick, cut through the skin.

Gently, but firmly pull the drumstick and thigh away...

George!

Uh.

Okay. Why is she carving my turkey?

Put the skin down.

Put the skin back.

Oh, put the skin down, Grandma. I got it.

Why does the turkey need a blanket? It's dead.

It's more than a blanket. It's tasty, tasty skin.

Terrible for cholesterol. The skin is the best part, Jo.

There's Austin's turkey also if we need it.

Are you kidding me? No, dad.

What's happening? Are you kidding me?

Alright. Is everybody happy?

Carve that turkey. Okay.

The turkey that I have been cooking all day. smells so good from here.

It's no offense, Austin. No, none taken.

The turkey looks perfect. Sit down.

I'm gonna cut the turkey now. Wait a second. We forgot grace.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Ow. Oh, yeah, grace.

Oh. You wanna do it?

Oh. Uh. Um.

I can get this. Austin should lead grace.

Yeah, I don't mind. No, I got it.

I got it. Somebody say grace.

That's more fighting over grace than any grace I ever knew.

Okay. Uh, First of all, thank you for cooking this beautiful dinner.

You're welcome. Thank you.

Thanksgiving's all about thanks and truth.

Amen. And forgiveness.

And giving.

And not groping your sister's friend, John.

But mostly, it's about coming home and coming out about things. Oh, holy shit.

What?

You alright? You okay?

Come on, Lauren.

You can do it. Okay?

Uh...

Uh, mom?

Is there something you wanna say, sweetie?

Lauren.

Uh, we need wine. Do you want wine?

Do you want more wine? We're out of wine.

This table needs more wine. Who wants wine?

I need some wine. Yeah, sure, more wine.

I'm just gonna get a bottle. I'm just gonna get some wine, and I'll be right back. Grandma wants red.

Okay. What a lunatic.

We keep holding hands? No, eat up.

No reason to wait now.

Giving the worst graces. I mean, that was the worst.

Was that not terrible?

I didn't get much.

Well, I'm carving the turkey now, dad.

You'll have more in a second.

Lauren! Oh!

Okay, so...

You and Hailey, you're dating, aren't you?

Oh, my God, thank God! I knew it!

Yes, yes, please go tell everyone.

Yeah, no. Your mother would freak out if she wasn't the first person to know.

Yeah, yeah, oh, my God. Maggie, thank you so much for being cool enough to put two and two together.

Oh, okay, stay here.

I'm gonna go get Jessica so you can tell her.

Oh, wait, I have to tell my mom before I start telling everyone else. Oh, yeah, no.

I mean the part about me being cool.

I promise I will tell her how cool you are after.

Okay, good. And what exactly is scissoring?

Because I can touch my toes but I can't do the splits.

Oh, maybe we revisit this after dessert?

I gotta do the splits, don't I? Oh, goddamn it.

Oh, hey, sorry. I was just washing my hands.

You should really lock the door. Unless you're looking for some company.

Yeah, no, not looking for any company. No company needed.

I was just using the bathroom.

What are you doing? Looking for wine.

You're hiding. No, I'm not.

Lauren, the wine's next to the walk-in.

Do you wanna have sex right now? What?

It's what you like, right? It makes you hot, keeping it a secret?

I don't like this version of you.

I don't like this version of you.

You are just so concerned about everyone else's feelings.

What about mine?

Hm?

What about my feelings?

Fine.

Come on.

You're really young, okay?

These are your formative years, and you're gonna be a crazy heart-breaker, but I am way too old for...

Can you put your shirt back on?

This turkey tastes soapy. It tastes like soap.

Uh, mom? Whoa, what took so long?

Dipping into the side dish while we're all sitting here waiting for the main course.

No, mom, I wanted to tell you...

Lauren, you didn't even remember the wine.

That was the whole point. Hailey, you can have mine, I guess. John, let me talk for two seconds.

Okay, sure. Mom, thank you so much for putting all this food together, um...

And? I couldn't be more grateful.

I could not be more grateful to be able to spend Thanksgiving with all of you Last chance, Lauren. and be able to talk to You all so openly about, like, life and gather...

And I have an announcement to make, everyone.

Don't, don't do this like this. This is not what...

Whoa.

I'm going to kill you. What is this?

Let's just French a little and see what happens.

What?

No, it's not what it... It's not what it looks like!

No! Not, she kissed me!

She kissed me! She kissed me!

I kissed him, Uncle George!

Why, you son of a bitch! No, my baby!

Grounded!

No! I didn't mean to!

Never! Stomp in the nuts! You never know!

No, not mashed potatoes! Eat it! Eat it!

It is mashed potatoes.

Laurie! Laurie!

Guys, guys, guys.

Woah!

That was my spinach dip. Yeah.

Come up!

What are you doing? Hailey and I are in a relationship.

Wait, what?

Oh.

Knew it.

She's pretty, the little girl.

You're a lesbian?

A lesbian Hare Krishna.

What about Austin?

There is no me and Austin.

Austin said you guys had sex.

You slept with Austin?

Sorry to interrupt, but there are two men unloading what seems to be a whole lot of weed from that van!

Damn!

I'm sorry.

Hey! Hey, you guys!

What are you doing with my brother's girlfriend's truck?

Girlfriend?

Emma, I'm so happy for you. Hell no, we're not dating!

Who the hell are you? We're the cartel.

Wait, this is the cartel? I'm Baba.

Cartel. Chino.

I'm calling the cops. No, we can't call the cops

'cause we're accomplices. Oh, yeah. Hey, this is your weed.

My parents do drugs? You do drugs?

Wait, wait. Wait. Alright, alright.

You're pulling a sword on me? Your brother owes us money.

Take my brother! You can't let them take me!

No, you are not joining our cartel.

You are fired. You are fired. You can't fire me!

Okay. You are cut off. Oh, come on!

Give me your sword, I'll kill him. Seriously?

Absolutely. You've gotta make this go away!

I didn't do anything.

You gotta make it go away, Mike!

I'm trying to come out of the goddamn closet here, people!

Jesus!

What is happening? Hailey!

Get out of here!

That was my turkey, wasn't it?

Alright. Alright.

Well, does this mean there's no dessert?

Hailey? Hailey?

Hailey, open the door, please? I'm leaving.

I don't wanna talk to you. Hailey, please open the door.

Hailey, come on, open the door. Go away, Lauren!

Why would you tell my dad we slept together?

He knew. This is the worst day of my life.

Why didn't you tell your family about Hailey? I did, I've been trying to tell them. Before today.

Before she came, before I came.

I didn't know you were coming, Austin.

You know what I'm talking about.

I wanted to make sure it was serious.

You wanted to make sure it was serious?

I have watched you dive head-first into over a 100 different phases over the last three years.

You remember when you were into aerobic pole dancing?

It's kind of that same thing, you know what I mean?

Don't compare Hailey to a fitness class, Austin.

That is not fair. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it's not fair. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do here.

Well, I mean, it wasn't so bad to be in a relationship for a day, right?

I just need to clear my head.

You're avoiding my question. Question?

It wasn't so bad being in a relationship for a day.

I mean, we've lived together for three years.

It always felt like we were in a relationship.

Austin, what are you doing? It always feels like we're in one.

What are you doing?

You know me better than anyone.

And I know you better than anyone.

No.

Stop, no!

Hailey! Hailey, please stop!

Hailey, Hailey, Hailey!

You had sex with Austin!

It was way before you and me.

You should've told me.

What good would that have done?

You know, I always said your friendship was...

You used to make me feel like I was crazy!

I didn't want you to worry about anything happening.

You just kissed him! He kissed me!

You let it happen!

You know, I feel like such an asshole.

Here I am to meet your parents and you two are just parading around like a couple with a secret.

It's not like that. I love you. I love you.

It's a really shitty time to say it for the first time.

I can't trust you.

But I do love, I love you.

You're the one I love.

It's not him. Come on!

This entire day.

My family wouldn't listen to me.

They are not the problem!

You are the problem! I, you...!

Just, just stop. Just stop. Just stop.

You have no idea what you want!

I don't wanna be gay, Hailey!

Nobody wants this. Nobody wants this.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Finally I have some honesty.

I just, I can't do this anymore.

Where's Hailey going? She's leaving because of you.

I hope you're happy. Of course I'm not happy.

Why didn't you just tell us?

Mom, you don't listen to me!

You need to be more clear. I had no idea.

I knew you were not going to accept this.

I didn't know I had to. Just leave me alone.

I didn't know... Leave me alone.

Just leave me alone.

Let her go. Leave her alone.

She's so angry with us. Let her go.

She's, like, completely... No, no, not at us.

Not at us. Oh, my God.

She's angry, yes. She's hurt.

Is she gonna be okay? She is gonna be okay.

It's just gonna take a little while.

Women are nicer than men.

Women... That's all you've got for me? "Women are nicer than men."

She follows her heart. She's always followed her heart.

That's all she's doing now. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Are we bad parents?

We're... not terrible. We're not great. We're, well, fair.

Trust me. Everything's gonna be okay.

Oh, okay. I promise.


Coffee.

Here you go.

Thank you.

How're you feeling?

I know this is not the life you imagined for me.

Right.

I don't think this is the life you imagined for yourself.

I'm sorry that I didn't know. I'm sorry.

It's okay, mom.

I just thought Mike was the only one dating a lesbian.

Mom, who knew you were funny?

I know, I'm very, I'm very funny.

You're okay with it?

Oh, my God. Yes.

Yes, of course I'm okay with it. I mean, I need...

I need to sort of adjust my idea.

Life never goes the way you expect it, that's all.

But you're...

Yeah, you're, you're good.

Thank you.

Is it okay if I ask you a question?

What's the question? Is this your first time with a girl?

I slept with...

Elizabeth.

Which Elizabeth? A bunch more.

Which Elizabeth? College roommate Elizabeth?

Oh, my God. She's a little mouse.

So what? So what? Wow.

She had hidden depths.

Can I ask you one more question? Oh, God, what?

Did you always know that you were gay?

I just thought I was really open.

Oh, good. Someone's at the door.

Hey, Betty, how are you, honey? Hey, Rose.

Hi, um, Ronnie said you were here.

Yes. Here.

Uh, my daughter brought me the money.

Well, I'm very happy to hear that.

Okay, you have a good morning. Alright, thank you.

Thank you for that.

Do you wanna get some fresh air?

I would love to.

You know, my roommate in college was a lesbian.

Did I ever tell you that? No.

Mm-hmm.

She told me I wasn't her type.

I was so insulted.

I don't even know what to do with that information.

So, I'm...

Do you, do you, um, like having sex with men?

I'm just trying to understand. Don't get mad.

No, I'm not mad. Well, I just... prefer women.

It just clicks with women.

It never clicked that way with men.

Why didn't you tell me?

I think it was easier thinking...

I...

I think I was so worried that... that you guys wouldn't be okay with it, then I never stopped to think if I was.

Oh, my sweetie, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay, it's okay. A parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.

I'm happy, I'm happy. If you're going to be this happy I'm happy, I am. then I want me to be happy.

I'm happy. I'm just figuring stuff out.

I know you are.

Thank you, mom. You're so welcome.

Hailey doesn't hate you, do you know that?

Hailey hates me. She does not hate you.

She hates me, she does. She does not hate you, she's hurt.

And we like her, just so you know.

But you're the one who has to be okay with it, not us.

Thank you, mom. Thank you.

I would do anything in the whole world for you, you know that, right?

Good. Thank you.

This coffee's disgusting. I know, it's so gross.

It's Ronnie's special formula. It's not special.

It's so bad.

Hey. Hey.

You didn't say goodbye this morning.

Yeah, I thought I'd give you some more time with your parents.

Grandma took all of your smoked turkey leftovers.

I'm glad she liked it. I promised her that I was going to send her another one next year.

I'm gonna move out.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

Austin, the entire day was my fault.

I'm talking about the kiss.

I know. It's okay.

I mean, I guess I...

I didn't realize how serious you and Hailey were.

Yeah.

I love her. I don't...

I should have told her sooner.

Yeah, well, you should have told everyone.

I should have told everyone.

I should have told everyone so much sooner.

You're my best friend, Austin.

If it was gonna be a guy, it'd have been you.


...and in love too, it's fear that often gets in the way of it's magic.

I'm sorry. Class started an hour ago.

I'm sorry to use you.

I need to talk to you. What are you doing here?

You deserve flowers.

I wanna be the one that gives you flowers.

I was wrong. I'm sorry.

This is all new and scary, and it's wonderful and exciting, but it's scary.

And that thing with Austin, I'm so sorry.

I should have told you. But I love you. I'm in love with you.

This is not how I saw my life.

But it's so much better than anything I could have imagined.

I wanna be with you.

If you'll take me back.

Aw!

Is that a yes? Yes.

I have something I wanna ask you.

Oh, no, I just feel really put on the spot, um.

Will you move in with me?

Yes.

Yes? Of course.

I love you. I love you, too.

Hey, I'm the best version of myself with you.

When are you planning to tell your parents we're moving in?

Oh, I was thinking Christmas?