Lies and Alibis (2006) Script

Okay. Recent studies have shown that one in four men cheats on their wives.

And one in 10 women cheats on their husbands.

Ray, let me explain. Hey, man, I'm so sorry. I...

Now, that's awful. Truly depressing data.

I know this must look bad, but it's not what it looks like.

You, stop talking now. Okay.

Dorothy, you see the red Pontiac Fiero outside?

He works for your husband. Oh, shit.

But then I realized, imagine how much more impressive those numbers could be, if people thought they could actually get away with it.

Here, put these on.

Two minutes, out the door. I'll take care of the photographer.

You, 10 minutes after that, half a mile down the road there's an Exxon garage.

Call a cab.

Cynical. Well, I prefer entrepreneurial.

My former partner, the great Jack the Cat, told me, "Our job in life is not to judge the wants and desires of our fellow man, "it's to profit from them."

And while some might see this as an unraveling of our social fabric, I say, business is good.

Ray? Ray?

Hi. Those files are ready.

Great. Do me a favor, will you?

Ray. Thank you.

Double check the receipts on the Feig account.

I'm super sorry about the other night, Ray. I just lost it.

Not good enough, Vic. That's the third time in the last three months.

Ray, we need $3 for Wendy's birthday cake. Thank you.

That is two months' severance. If you need any contacts, we'll hook you up.

And we've got some issues with the new DMV holographs.

Give that to Walter. They're not ready, like you thought.

Do you want to sign off on the new souvenirs?

Track me down this afternoon. Ray, I need approval on the Triber account.

I did it. It's on your desk.

Is this okay? Good.

New client? Your 11:00.

You said you wanted bigger brains around here.

Don't let the twins fool you.

It looks like affection, but they're actually in a battle for tank dominance.

They also like to breed under banana leaves.

You can call me Lola. Okay. Let's go by...

Ray? Benjamin's root canal is going over.

Also Peter Miller's passport isn't scanning the way that we'd like it to.

And I'll talk to you about it later.

So, Lola, do you have any lunch plans?

You worked under Randall Paul. Can I ask you why you left?

I was one of 17 junior VPs in our division specializing in interest derivatives, market risk exposure, plus a little P/L analysis on the side.

Sounds... Almost as dull as it was.

And just a point of clarification, I work with people, and for people, never under them.

And what would you say was your best quality?

My patience. Great, great.

So, how close to the streets are you?

Your shoes. Very fashionable about five, six years ago.

You look like someone who would care. Do you want to talk about it?

Okay.

I had banked some stock options from a blossoming Internet start-up, and decided to seek enlightenment in the Holy Land.

I would have guessed Tibet.

I'm old school.

Can I ask you a question?

What exactly do you do?

Well, this is a surprise.

Hey, Putty. Good to see you. How the fuck are you, man?

Fucking good. Yeah. Get any work?

I retired.

Yeah. I banked some options from this blossoming Internet start-up, and decided to seek enlightenment in Tibet, via the Middle East.

The Holy Land, huh? No shit.

Ray, I hear Jack's back on the radar.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

No. Don't keep in touch with your old boss?

You guys were like Batman and Robin.

Without the capes.

I heard he was seen at the airport. He's hiding out in a bungalow up the coast.

Yeah, I heard it was a villa in Sweden.

I wouldn't put too much stock on idle gossip.

Yeah? There's nothing idle about a $5-million contract on a guy's head.

Excuse me, sir. We need to keep this lane clear.

Yeah.

Always looking for some good guys.

Ma'am.

What the fuck are you looking at?

That was interesting.

And a little creepy. So what can you tell me about him?

I just met him.

I'd say high school graduate.

Possibly a missionary or insurance salesman, although with obvious connections to some sort of criminal enterprise.

Okay. What else?

So you know this, or you heard this?

I know that Jack McCadden conned the Sultan of Qatar out of $15 million.

Yeah, that's the legend.

What about this Ray fellow?

He was always just a front man.

Word is after the score, Jack disappeared with Ray's cut of the Sultan's cash.

A Sultan. That's real Indiana Jones shit, that is.

Language, BoBo. Sorry.

And would you say he is married or single?

Divorced.

If there were a woman in his life, she'd make him bathe a little more often.

Excuse me.

So does this Sultan still want Jack dead?

What I hear. $5-million open contract on Jack McCadden's head.

$5 million's a lot of money. Yeah. To clip a grifter, it certainly is.

Okay. And where is he now?

No, no, no. I'll take it.

So, when can you start?

You ask me two questions and then offer me the job?

Three. I have a sense about people. We have to leave.

Now.

It seems like our new friend, Ray, knows a very valuable man.

I don't know if Ray's still in touch.

He's handsome.

I think he's found religion. Well.

What good is it for man to have faith, if his actions do not prove it?

Con men don't reform.

They simply find better angles.

Okay. What do we do? We're a risk management firm.

Which means? We're in the business of saving marriages.

How do you do that?

We grease the wheel that makes state-of-the-art infidelity possible.

People who cheat get caught because a) they want to, or b) they're found some place they said they weren't.

Good morning, J.Z. Incorporated.

Mr. Williams is in a meeting right now. May I take a message?

We create a false reality, making people appear to be where they're supposed to be.

Adams and Landow. Mr. Norris? Let me check.

I'm sorry. Your wife just got on a conference call.

I'll try her when she gets off.

Fifth Precinct. Sykes?

Yeah. He's running files to Central. Can I help you?

I can try him on his walkie if it's an emergency.

So you help men cheat on their wives?

And wives cheat on their husbands.

We're an equal opportunity employer.

You're a professional liar.

Lies are the great foundation of our society, Lola.

"Great outfit, honey." "Can't I give you flowers for no reason?"

And my personal favorite, "Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys."

But that's just being polite.

The fact is your average relationship wouldn't last two minutes if people told the truth.

We just help maintain the illusion.

Mom's happy. Dad's happy.

And the kids don't have to pick sides at Christmas.

So this is all for the children, then?

Families don't break up because of infidelity.

Thank you.

They break up 'cause someone gets caught.

Let me guess, you're just a hard-working child of a broken home, trying to save others from the pain you went through.

I just see people for the well-dressed, good-smelling animals they are.

Mate, eat, sleep and mate some more, preferably with someone else.

But you can't really believe that.

Not everyone operates on a purely primal level.

A man is as faithful as his opportunities.

Take your old boss, for example.

Perfect example.

Yes, he cheated on his wife. They broke up.

They got back together and they've never been happier.

When was that, about a year ago?

Yeah. How did you know that?

He just bought us lunch. He's been a client since January.

Are you ready?

I'll let you know.

You dare defy your emperor!

Robert. Lobby, two minutes.

And you might wanna pop a jacket on.

Morning.

You ever consider a more traditional line of work?

Insurance? Sales? Making money's easy.

Keeping self-interest is something else entirely.

Okay, here's the situation.

In a few seconds, an angry wife is gonna come steaming through that door and raise merry hell till she finds her cheating husband.

Inside this is a cheap knock-off necklace.

You can be anyone you want to be for the next five minutes.

I need $2,000 a week, benefits, a month off, plus all regular holidays.

Well, we tend to work holidays, but we've got great dental and I can go as high as $1,500.

Now, what's going on, Ray?

Hey, how you doing there? One second. Vision?

That comes with a co-pay.

Okay. The objective is to extricate him from this predicament with his balls still intact.

Ray.

You son of a bitch!

Holy shit. How could you?

I gave you the best years of my life and you go and throw it all away to have your sick sex with some whore!

I don't know who you think you are, Mrs. Hatch, but no one speaks to me like that.

I can't work like this, Mr. Hatch.

We are Rogette's Jewelers, not Bob's Big House of Diamonds.

Diamonds?

"To my dearest on this special day. Much love."

Why are you meeting here?

Our office is in New York.

So Mr. Hatch has been flying in members of the team to work on the design.

Oh, Robert.

Well... Judith, do you like it?

Robert.

I think this concludes our business, Mr. Hatch.

Yeah, but I...

So if I wanted to examine some other items from your catalog, how could we arrange that?

Oh, well, I can have a catalog forwarded to your hotel room in Fiji.

You didn't tell her?

Robert!

We're going to Rodeo Drive, Hannibal.

Yes, Mrs. Hatch.

Mr. Hatch needs some new swim togs. Oh, please...

And in the future, please don't improvise travel arrangements.

I was in the moment. I'll also need a cellphone.

Right.

And moments or not, you didn't have to make it a private island.

We both know he had it coming.

Company car? Yeah.

So I guess anyone can get away with anything these days?

No. We don't alibi crimes and I will not be an instrument of revenge.

Beyond that... Beyond that?

It's all smoke and mirrors.

So how rich do people have to be to hire us?

We give discounts to cops, plumbers, teachers...

Nice to give something back to the chronically underpaid.

If it makes you feel any better, sometimes our clients stray, but then they go back a little wiser for the experience.

Anything else? Overtime? Dress code?

Yes, for both. Do we have a deal?

If I'm there more than a year, I want profit sharing.

Okay. One condition. Don't slap the spouse.

Don't micromanage.

Profit sharing. Perhaps that was a bit much.

But I was temporarily seduced by her lavish, penetrating, truly sublime attention to detail.

You see, my current line of work is all about planning for every conceivable contingency, accounting for every detail.

Every nuance and every possible mistake.

I know exactly where he is.

Why? Because I commit the one unpardonable sin, the one my old partner, Jack, would never abide.

I'm forced on a daily basis to rely on the intelligence of others.

Ten days, Ray.

Ten days I had to sleep with my wife. You got any idea how that is?

Break the rules. These things happen.

By the way, you'll be swapping the necklace you gave her with a real one in about two days.

I've already billed your account.

You realize I actually had to... You know, you know.

I shudder just thinking about it.

Well, you can always leave her, Robert.

But, hey, I'd leave... I'd leave in a heartbeat.

But it's no secret, the money's all from her family.

I leave, I'm ruined, you know that.

We all have our crosses to bear.

Now, for our lesson in remedial cheating.

The matches.

You know, it's a stupid habit. I just keep losing my lighters.

Nothing from your liaisons goes in your pockets, on your breath or on your skin.

Got it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good. Got it.

Robert, you've already met Lola. Yeah, yeah.

My son's getting married next month.

Good girl from a good family.

But you know the Hatch men...

You know, we always have a little something on the side.

My grandfather, my father, me, and now my kid.

Can you believe it?

Amazing.

So where's he not supposed to be going and who's he not supposed to be going with?

Ray, I'd appreciate it if you handled this yourself.

Robert, apart from the odd emergency, I do very little fieldwork these days.

You're my last personal client.

Yeah, but I was your first personal client.

I mean, think of it as a wedding present to my fucking kid, huh?

One you get to bill me for?

After that, Lola can take care of me.

Okay?

Okay.

Don't let the Hatch thing bother you.

It's just that some clients prefer working with men.

So that man was your first client?

That man's libido paid for the rent for the first few months.

Why? No start-up help from the infamous Jack McCadden?

No. He sounds like quite the character.

International man of intrigue, smart, handsome.

How long did you two date?

Okay, Jack is not a topic I care to discuss.

Bad breakup? Drop it.

Dropped.

Yeah. She wants a friar to marry us.

I got a fucking friar.

What am I, Robin Hood?

Come on...

Look, don't get me wrong. I love Sandy. I fucking worship her.

It's just, you know, shit. "Till death do us part."

Men weren't wired to be monogamous. I'm sorry.

You know, we gotta spread the seed. Hey, baby.

Your father tells me you want to go away for the weekend.

That's terrible, right? I'm a terrible, terrible person.

I don't know you, Wendell.

I guess you're right.

All right. Well, so this girl, she wants... Do I tell you her name or...

No. All right.

She wants to go to this bed and breakfast in Santa Barbara.

Are Click and Clack going, too?

What?

No, dude. Just me and her.

Okay, there's a broker's convention in San Francisco this weekend.

I book a room in San Francisco under your name and reserve a flight and a rental car.

Okay. Then I book a room in Santa Barbara under my name. Hi.

I'm here to make a reservation for your honeymoon suite for this Friday...

And give you a credit card to use while you're up there.

Friday, you go to Santa Barbara and I go to San Francisco, where I check into your room and sign in at the convention.

I have dinner, make phone calls.

In short, you become me, and I become you.

Temporarily.

What if Sandy tries to call me?

Well, we intercept all the calls.

So, if there's an emergency, I'll be contacted and I'll contact you.

Shit. Dude, do you have a card?

I don't.

Anything else? No, I'm good.

Good.

No. Wendell.

Yeah. Here.

In future, don't make me do this in front of your wife.

It's kind of tacky and it'll get you caught.

Guaranteed.

It'd be easy for a man in my line of work to become cynical on the subject of relationships.

So what's in San Francisco?

It's business.

What's her name?

Lola, I prefer to keep my work life and my private life separate.

It keeps things simple. Simple is boring.

Boring is safe.

And safe is for old people. This is fun, wanna keep going?

I've got a flight to catch.

Have a good weekend.

But you see, romance is my greatest ally.

It makes people vulnerable, distracted and utterly idiotic.

You're sure you didn't tell anyone?

In short, the perfect clients.

We've been over this 1,000 times.

What did you tell your boyfriend? That I'm visiting my mom.

Trust me, he's an idiot.

So after the wedding, how long before we can get together?

I don't know. We might have to cool it a little.

Oh, shit! Does your boyfriend drive a black SUV?

No. Shit.

Will you calm down.

You ever get a blow job at 100 miles an hour?

We're only going 60.

Then you'd better step on it.

And today's winning metro county lottery numbers are...

Hey. Hey. One second.

You've got about 10 seconds before I rip off all your clothes and fuck you right here in the lobby.

That goes for two, baby.

Now, what can I do for you nice young people?

We have a room booked under Elliot, Mr. and Mrs. Elliott.

Hi. Wendell Hatch, arrogant prick.

Hi. Wendell Hatch. Good to meet you.

Hi. Hi. Wendell.

Hello.

You son of a bitch.

Takes one to know one, Mr. Williams.

Good to see you. And you.

God, did we have a hell of a time in Bermuda or what?

My liver's still not talking to me.

They forget to print your name tag?

That's what you get for pre-registering. Yeah.

Say, Michael, you ever talked to that tax shelter guy?

What was his name, Jack something?

I was hoping you could tell me.

I've got so much loose change tied up with that guy.

And now I can't get the bastard on the phone.

Still, you know what Jack used to say.

"The only sure investment is a tombstone."

I know what he means. Come on, I want you to meet somebody.

Hey, Jimmy! Come on.


Oh, my God!

Oh.

Oh. Oh, my God.

That was amazing.

I'm all tingling.

Hello?

Oh, hey, sugar. How's work going?

No, just hanging out with my sister.

You wanna say hi?

Hang on.

No, I...

Sorry, babe, she's in the bathroom.

Yeah. Hang up.

Me, too. Please hang up. Please hang up.

Study hard.

What are you doing? You're trying to get me killed?

Have you lost...

Now, while the little blue pills kick in, it's my turn.

Okay. Now, how do we... How do I... I mean if I...

Hey! You could've scratched me. The closer I get, the harder you pull.

Okay. But what if I hurt you?

Yes, please.

Fine, the safety word is "gum."


- Hello? Mr. Ray?

- Who's this? I think she's dead, Ray.

She... I didn't... She's not waking up.

Wendell? Oh, fuck. This is so fucked!

Okay, Wendell. Get a hold of yourself.

She liked it rough, you know, and... And, I just thought...

Oh, fuck. She didn't say "gum," right? I was listening.

- She never said "gum." Okay, Wendell, did you check her pulse?

- She's blue. That's not normal, right? Wendell, listen to me.

Check her pulse. Do you know how to do that?

I gotta get out of here. I can't stay here.

Wendell, you must not leave the room.

Do you hear?

You need to call an ambulance. It was an accident.

- I can't go to jail. I'm not going to jail. Wendell...

If I fucking call an ambulance, this whole thing comes out. You understand me?

You, your business, my father, your clients, this whole thing!

- You're gonna be ruined. Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Bullshit! You work for me, God damn it! You have to do what I say, Ray.

It doesn't work like that, Wendell!

You gotta help me, please.

Please don't make me beg, man.

Please help me.

Okay, I'll call you back in five minutes. Don't fucking move.

BoBo, you're getting grease on the money.

Just a little bit.

Putty. Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Putty. It's Ray.

You up for a little freelance work?

- Ray? Someone's coming to sort this out.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Now, Wendell, this is very important, so please pay attention.

Okay. When he gets there, do not give him your real name.

Do you understand?

I'm Wendell. I mean Pete.

Hey, Wendell.

She come with the room? What?

Did the dead girl come with the room or did you bring her here yourself?

It was an accident.

Usually is. No, no, no, it was her idea.

I doubt that.

BoBo, get her legs.

So no one saw you move the body? No.

Wendell? Wendell, look at me.

Did anyone else know you were taking her out of town?

No. I mean, the guys knew where I was going, but they didn't know with who, so...

Is anyone likely to come looking for her?

She has a Mexican.

She has a boyfriend who's Mexican.

Well, he is Hispanic American.

But he would fucking kill both of us if he knew.

And the guy at the bed and breakfast saw me. I think he saw me. He was...

You know, this was all her idea. So, I don't...

Shut up, Wendell.

Do you have any idea?

You killed a girl.

I'm sorry, believe me.

Fuck. You think I wanted this to happen?

Look...

The good thing is, it's your name on the hotel bill, right? Not mine.

So, technically, I wasn't even there.

You're not gonna tell my dad, are you?

Give me my credit card.

Okay, get moving.

And don't ever, ever let me see you again.

Hello? Is this the number for reporting a lost credit card?

Yeah.

Ray Elliott.

Hello?


I know what you're thinking, but a deal is a deal.


Darling, you should really try and give me a little more notice.

Come on in. Sorry to interrupt.

Were you busy?

Yes, Ray, I was having a glamour night.

I'm going to... I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to ask any questions.

Well, we all know how good I am at that.

We slept together last night.

Did I like it?

I said no questions, remember?

Did you like it?

Lola.

How do you know I wasn't with someone else last night?

Were you?

I thought the idea was to keep our private life and our work life separate?

Okay.

Go ahead.

You invited me over yesterday morning.

I showed up at 7:30 PM with a bottle of wine.

What kind? Merlot.

And? And you cooked me dinner.

Wow. No, well, don't tell my mother this story, she'll know you're making it up.

A roast. Lasagna.

I can make lasagna. Fine, lasagna.

I showed up at 7:30, we had dinner, and I didn't leave until 9:00 in the morning.

Just one more question. What?

Are you gonna call me?

So you're the only one that could put my kid and that fucking girl together at the bed and breakfast?

Plus the innkeeper.

But I don't see how Wendell's ever gonna register on the cops radar.

Oh, well, that's a relief.

So, how much you want to make this go away?

That's not what this is about.

I'll give you 23 grand, cash, right now... What?

...to keep my kid out of this.

Hey, that's what I got.

My emergency cash reserve. Robert, I don't want your money.

Hello. End of fucking conversation.

Our actions have consequences.

Yours, mine, everyone's.

Wait a minute.

If this is some kind of con, Ray...

What, I pay up and this chick shows up with my 23 grand... Her name is Heather.

...on some beach somewhere.

No way. No fucking way! She's dead!

Your son killed her.

Deal with it, so that I don't have to.

Okay, Ray.

I'll see what I can do.


- This is Cam. Hey, it's Ray.

You working this weekend?

Come on, man. You know the dead never sleep.

So, I hear my old friend might be in town. You heard anything?

You mean Jack McCadden?

I've been meaning to call you. He just came in.

And now, direct from an extended tour where he played for and with many of the crowned heads of Arabia and their wives.

Yeah?

Cam, is this a joke? What?

That's not Jack McCadden.

Are you sure?

He's the same age, same build.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

Jack doesn't have a snake tattooed on his face.

Or a steel bolt through his penis.

I gotta go.

Can I help you?

Yeah. Detective Bryce to see Mr. Elliott.

I'm sorry. But I have never seen her before.

Right.

And your credit card was stolen or lost just a day before it was used to check in to the bed and breakfast.

Neat how that worked out, isn't it?

You're not LAPD, are you?

No, I used to be. I'm in Santa Barbara now.

That's where the Prices live with their occasionally wayward daughter.

What exactly do you do here at Elliott Consulting, Mr. Elliott?

Risk assessment and management.

And how does a former confidence man become an expert on that?

The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, Detective.

Practice, practice, practice.

Where is Miss Price, Mr. Elliott?

Or should I call you, Mr. Avalon, Mr. Morgan, Mr. Weil...

Detective, I swear to God... What about your old boss, Jack McCadden?

Would he know?

You know, I heard this crazy story the other day about a really rich Arab wanting to see Jack McCadden dead.

I haven't spoken to Jack in a couple of years.

Now, when grifters and cons knock each other off, I really don't give a shit.

But Miss Price's father is an Assemblyman, and he's pushing really hard for us to find his daughter.

So, this is how it works. He pushes me, I push you.

We find her. Then I get to go home to my husband, who's probably letting our daughter overdose on pizza every night I'm not in town.

That sounds painfully domestic.

Well, to me it's a little piece of heaven.

Now, you make me stick around in town, and I'm gonna do my damnest to make sure that I find something to make it worth my while. For my scrap book.

You know, you don't have to wave those things dry anymore.

It's a new process. They've had it for a couple of years now.

Download this, will you, please?

What did the cop want? Oh, it's nothing.

I'm gonna need you to cover some of my accounts over the next few weeks.

Not a problem. Good.

Hey, Ray.

Putty.

How nice to see you.

Gotta go for a ride.

Oh, you're holding me up for that B and B thing?

That's not like you.

I'm hurt you'd even think such a thing.

I take it this is not optional?

That's a real good way to put it.

So who are you working for these days?

That guy who used to run out of Salt Lake.

The Mormon? Yeah, you heard of him? Really nice guy.

I know of at least six guys who'd argue that point, if they were still around.

Well, we don't keep track. But me and BoBo get benefits.

Dental, eye-care... Nice uniforms?

Nice uniforms.

I remember you. Do you?

I'm Adelle. Pleased to meet you.

And you are?

Too old.

Do you have a bathroom?

It's a little crowded in here right now.

You know, I may be married to the old creep, but he doesn't own me.

Well, that's good to know.

So, where you from, young lady?

South Dakota. Tiny little town.

How are you enjoying life in the big city?

Yeah, right. It's like being in prison with a nice pool.

But I do manage to find the odd distraction.

Bridge?

Come on. Let's do it right here.

Are you insane? It wasn't my idea.

Doesn't matter whose idea it was.

He'll tear your head off if he catches you near one of his wives.

You dragged me here, remember? So let's get this audience underway.

I spend a fortune on the landscaping.

I think it's worth it.

It's very beautiful. Thank you.

Putty tells me you've met one of my wives.

How does that work, the two thing?

Three. Three?

Congratulations.

Our doctrine says, "Celestial marriage is the gate to exaltation."

Sorry. Do they work in shifts or is it kind of a group thing?

Things manage to work themselves out.

But enough about me.

Are you married?

No.

I guess I just haven't met the right women.

Funny.

So I hear there's a price on the head of your old partner, Jack.

I also hear that he may be in town.

And you want me to tell you where he is.

You know my chosen profession, right?

Yes.

People have been hiring hitmen for thousands of years, ever since some Neanderthal gave some other Neanderthal half a mastodon to clock his brother with a rock.

Neanderthal? I would have taken you for a creationist.

More of a pragmatist, really.

Which is where you come in. Do I?

I think having a man of your skills covering my tracks would be extremely helpful.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't alibi crimes.

You already alibied one.

For the Hatch family, wasn't it?

That was the first and last.

Oh, I think not.

Oh, I think from now on there will be many, many more.

Unless becoming an accessory after the fact strikes you as a reasonable way to spend the next 10 or 15 years of your life.

Good evening, Ray.

We'll be in touch.

The genius of Jack McCadden, was that he was part magician, part artist.

- Part ghost. Ray, Jack's back on the radar.

You guys were like Batman and Robin.

Although it was a privilege to work alongside him...

What was his name, Jack something?

...I've gone to great pains to leave that life behind.

Jack McCadden, would he know?

So I hear there's a price on the head of your old partner.

But that's the problem with the past.

Bad breakup? Drop it.

It's never really dead until you are.

Dropped.

That's not a very comforting thought.

Yeah? Dude, it's Cam.

I think I found Jack.

Cam, I can't really deal with this right now.

Yeah. Something came up.

But if it's him, people are gonna come looking for him.

Hey, asshole...

No, it's just there's something I ought to deal with, and I'll call you later.

All right. Okay.

Bye.

Wendell.

Wendell's posse.

You dick. I can't believe you told my dad.

Someone had to straighten things out.

I don't know who you think you are, but you don't threaten me, and you don't threaten my father. You're a fucking employee.

You understand me? You're a... You're a butler.

You're a burger flip.

So let's step outside and get this party started.

Yeah.

Right.

What is that? Is that sort of kung fu?

Tae kwon do.

Oh, tae kwon don't.

Why don't we do it here? I mean, I know it's a bit crowded...

If you move those two chairs, and I'll shift this table.

Hey!

Shit! That's what I'm talking about.

You want some more of this, pal? No.

Wendell, I hate to get all philosophical, but a life has been taken and someone needs to account for that. Okay, okay.

Did you follow me? Please don't kill me.

I'll pay you.

Go, go. Go!

Come on! Come on.

I'll fucking kill you! Stupid asshole!

I think you broke my fucking nose.

I think I did. Come here.

Sorry about that.

It hurts.

Using your intellect is nice.

But nothing beats the thrill of delivering a good old-fashioned...

What's wrong with you?

Wakey, wakey.

Oh, look who's up. Look who's up.

Thought you were gonna sleep forever, princess.

I think there's been a mistake. Oh, yeah. I hope so.

My... My house is that way.

This ain't no car service, motherfucker!

This is your worst nightmare.

Yeah, well, my worst nightmare has rats in it.

Oh, we're gonna get to that.

You can guarantee that. You bet.

I know you. Oh, yeah? You think so?

You're Hatch's driver.

That's right asshole, and what? What is that supposed to mean?

What, do you think you're better than me?

Is that it? You're trying to put me down, man?

Motherfucker, let me suggest something to you, all right?

I suggest that you fucking get real smart real fast and tell me where the fuck she is.

Better get smart, boy! You better get smart.

Don't be annoyed, but...

Who?

Heather.

Heather Price, motherfucker. Do you remember her now?

Little B-cup, ass like butter. Right?

Mind like a fucking pervert.

Took her to the hotel in Santa Barbara. Let me tell you something, she was my fucking girlfriend, man! I'm telling you, H, it wasn't a hotel, man. It was a bed and... You shut the fuck up!

Drive, and keep attention, man.

I wasn't at that hotel. I reported my credit card stolen, I spent the weekend with friends.

Check it out with any of them. Expect somebody to believe that bullshit?

Is that your best shot? It's the truth.

Come on, give me something so I can engage my suspension of disbelief.

Give me something, man.

Something within the realm of plausibility.

She wouldn't be cheating on me, man.

No matter what she's done, or why she's done it. Get up!

I have the capacity to forgive.

Unfortunately, tonight that's not gonna bring salvation to your fucking ass.

You don't want me to get extreme pain makeover on your ass. Where is she?

Say something!

Hey, listen, if you're gonna beat information out of someone, you gotta be smart enough to let them answer.

All right. Right, point taken. Back off, man. Back off.

Now, where is she?

Go ahead.

She's dead.

I didn't do it. It can't be, man.

She can't be, she can't fucking be gone.

You can kill me, but it's not gonna change what was done.

Did you do it, man? Did you do it? No! No, I didn't.

Do you know who fucking did it? Wendell Hatch.

He was having an affair with her.

He came to me to help him set up an alibi. No way. It can't fucking be Wendell Hatch.

Man! That's bullshit, man!

Couldn't be a that little anal wart. Back off!

Think about it, Hannibal.

Were there times when she wanted to meet people who you'd never met?

What?

Did she want to take a shower before she was with you?

She ever do that? Jewelry!

Did she have any new jewelry? A bracelet or a necklace?

Fuck you! Talk to me.

Shit.

He's fucking right.

I caught her. I caught her with some big ass, fucking zirconium diamond earrings.

Shit, he's right, man!

It happens more often than you think.

Come on, fellas, I know where he lives, man. Come on.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Man, what about that time when we went to Gino's party and I told you we seen her.

Don't do it, Hannibal, there's a better way!

Better than shooting his ass?

Better than you going to prison for avenging a girl who was fucking around on you.

Better than you throwing away what you got going on for a third strike that'll get you the needle.

The needle? Motherfucker, what do you know about me, man? Think you're smart?

What do you know about it? You don't know me, man.

Yeah, the ink says you've been inside.

I know you tried for Hatch to pay for your tuition fees.

You promise he goes down? I can make it happen.

Better make it happen, because if he walks, then I'm gonna finish him my way. You follow me?

You've made yourself very clear.

That's all I wanted to do, bro.

I said he made himself very clear!

Almost capped my first one tonight!

Told you there were rats, motherfucker.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Ray, my friend.

Is this a bad time?

It's a very bad time.

Can you come by?

I was hoping we could firm up some dates for our business.

I can't tonight.

I've got...

I've got laundry.

Tomorrow, then.

Oh, and by the way, a gentleman contacted me regarding you this afternoon.

What did he want?

He wanted me to take you out.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not your type.

It wasn't some sodomite tea party, Ray.

What did you say?

I said it was out of the question, as we have unfinished business, you and I.

What did he offer you?

A man should always know his worth.

Your asking price is $23,000.

Tell Hatch you'll take it.

Very impressive.

But suicide is still a sin, Ray.

Take the contract. At least I know he won't be hiring anyone else.

You know, if I had Jack McCadden's whereabouts, you and I might never need to speak again.

$5 million buys a lot of forgiveness.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Shit.

Lucky for you I didn't make any other plans tonight.

What happened?

Opera?

What happened?

I was car-jacked.

Doubtful.

Care to try again?

It was Hatch's driver.

Why would he come after you?

It's better if you don't know.

I think I can decide what I can't handle.

Well?

It was Hatch's son.

He spent the last week in Santa Barbara, where he killed his date.

And I... We were on the job.

I got that guy, Putty, to take care of it, and now the cops are all over me, and a very bad man, has been hired to kill me.

Are you sure this job is worth it?

It's not normally this bad.

You ever consider asking your old partner for help?

It's not so easy.

Why?

Because you're Jack McCadden?

Makes a certain amount of sense.

What that guy, Putty, said.

Your trip to San Francisco.

How much it must've cost to start up your company.

Plus you calling Jack your boss, when I really can't see you ever working for anyone.

A woman can tell when a man's lying, Ray.

If she's paying attention and if she really wants to know.

And if I can figure it out, I might not be the only one.

It's funny, you think I am Jack, the detective thinks I've killed Jack, and the Mormon thinks I know where Jack is hiding out.

So who's right?

I know you won't believe me, Ray, but not everyone's working an angle.

Well, that may be, but for $5 million, somebody might take the chance.

Then, I suppose, you have a choice to make.

I suppose I do.

You look like a man with a problem.

Several.

Care to add to the burden?

I need an alibi for Thursday night.

Something extremely sturdy.

Well, the only absolutely airtight alibi, is death.

What's happening Thursday night?

Let me explain something.

It helps if I know where you're going to be, so I can pretend you're somewhere else.

No! Honey.

Fine. I'll be at the Ellroy Hotel.

But that's all you get.

And where would you like to pretend to be?

Does it matter?

It's your neck.

Thank you, Adelle.

How about this?

How about if I write you a check right now, we forget we ever met?

You have $5 million in your checking account?

Unless you're trying to tell me that Jack is already a non-issue.

You wouldn't have me waste my time looking for a man who's already passed on to the greater celestial court?

Would you?

Anything else, Ray?

Not right now. No.

So, is this a social call?

Business, actually.

I've heard you want my boss dead?

Excuse me? Please, Mr. Hatch, I'm on a deadline.

Well, I kind of thought that you and Ray... You thought wrong.

Well, can I ask why?

No.

Now, your only problem is, the man who you approached to get the job done is now working with Ray.

You understand that there's a difference, between wanting somebody dead and actually doing something about it.

And here I thought that you were the proactive, captain-of-industry type.

My mistake.

I won't waste your time.

Okay. Okay.

So let's say, hypothetically, that I was remotely interested in this thing...

Let's say hypothetically you show up here, tomorrow, with $100,000 cash.

And?

Should I bring something else?

Your appetite.

Come in.

So, it's not a problem?

For you, sweetie, nothing's a problem.

Good.

How's things with you and Ted?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should have tried harder.

Well, there's no rule that says you can't make up with your husband, if you still love him.

Wow.

Did Ray Elliott actually just use the "L" word without smirking?

I'm just saying.

Oh, my God, Ray's got a girlfriend.

To be honest with you, Dorothy, I'm not sure what I've got.

Well, sure you do.

Ray. How's it going?

Pretty much as expected.

Let's get rolling.

Hurry, ladies, it's on.

Yes, Mr. Sykes. That's right.

Ray would consider it a personal favor.

Wendell Hatch?

Yeah?

I'm Detective Sykes and this is Detective Holbrook.

We'd like you to come down to the station and answer a few questions.

How well do you know Ray Elliott?

He's involved in a missing person case we're working on.

He is? What'd he just say?

Young lady named Heather Price.

See, we believe Mr. Elliott took her to a bed and breakfast last weekend.

She hasn't been heard from since.

Mr. Elliott took her to a bed and breakfast?

What do I always tell you about mumbling? No one can hear you.

Seems like he's been spinning some tale to the Santa Barbara police department about how his credit cards were stolen. But we're pretty sure that he killed her.

Thank you.

You know anything about it?

Why would you think that I would?

One of the officers saw you talking to Mr. Elliott.

And he said there was an altercation at the bar.

I don't know him.

But he works for my father, I think, sometimes.

And I was in this bar and he came in, and he was drunk, and he was really, really drunk. Were there words exchanged?

Words? Yeah, words.

You know, those things you use to form sentences?

Only this time in a hostile context.

Yeah, there were words. But... Just... You know, like...

"Hey, you jerk."

You know, so it wasn't anything... But he did hit me, out of nowhere. He just swung at me.

And we didn't talk about a missing... Dead girl.

If that's what your question was.

Okay.

Okay.

Thanks for clearing that up, Mr. Hatch.

I hope you find this guy, because it's terrible.

Hey, you know what?

We always get the bad guy, Mr. Hatch.

As a matter of fact, the owner of the bed and breakfast is gonna come in and take a look at some pictures.

Great. You ever been to this place?

Shady Grove in Santa Barbara? No. I haven't been.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey. It's just routine, Mr. Hatch.

We want to mix in some photos with Mr. Elliott's.

You know, give the guy some faces to choose from.

Look, it's... I mean, don't you have to ask my permission before you do that? You don't mind, now, do you?

I mean, he's not gonna pick you out, so...

What's the harm? No, it's just... Fuck!

Detectives? Will you excuse us for a minute?

Ellroy Hotel.

Sorry about that.

So, what were you saying?

Nothing, nothing. I just remembered I have a thing.

Thanks for coming in, by the way. Sure.

Something like that?

I think you've earned yourself a store credit.

Shady Grove.

Matthew Klump, please.

Speaking. Mr. Klump, congratulations!

Today is your lucky day.

You have just won a night of total luxury in beautiful Los Angeles.

And all for being a loyal subscriber to B & B magazine.

Yes, we'd remove all the outstanding items from your bill, plus give you a small credit.

You got it.

- And those would be red roses? Yes, I'd like one dozen.

Okay. No problem.

Right, so I deliver the envelope to the front desk of the Ellroy Hotel?

That's right.

"Adelle, "These flowers are a pale comparison to you.

"Love, Bob."

Who's Bob?

Bob's the guy who made the mistake of sending my wife flowers.

Don't let her out of your sight.

Whoa! Where are you going?

The dressing room.

Unless you boys want me to strip right here?

I was wondering, when you were going to show up.

Oh, Ray, I could just eat you up.

Well, just hold that thought.

Did you get your gift certificate?

Oh, that was from you?

Ray, you are gonna spoil me.

You know, I think I am.

Now, can you be at the Ellroy Hotel tomorrow at 6:15 p.m.?

I've got us a room.

No, I'd have to miss choir practice.

I could write you a note.

Okay, maybe I'm no Casanova, and maybe I'm in way over my head.

But this was always Jack's job. I was the pencil pusher, the statistical expert.

Unfortunately, being able to tell you that 7 in 10 murders are crimes of passion, or three in four hitmen are hired by one spouse to kill the other, isn't terribly relevant information.

Unless, of course, you're the one they're hired to kill.

Jack was right.

I should never have gone straight.

I need a piece.

A piece of what?

You know, a gun.

Oh, why didn't you say that, Snoop Dogg?

Let me show you what we got.

You ever get the feeling you're running out of leads?

This is Walsh. I mean I'm a happily married mother of two, and this guy's staring at my fucking left breast...

Think we might have something.

What? This guy I've had watching Hannibal picked up something going down this afternoon at the Ellroy Hotel.

Yeah? How good is your guy? Good enough to supply a room number.

It's worth a look, right? Right, let's go.

- Ray. Yeah, your boy's here.

- Any sign of Wendell? Not yet.

You sure this is gonna work out, huh?

You with your low rent circus, look at that.

Where'd you get that clown, from Central Casting?

I'm off to church. Shit.

Ma'am, ma'am, you wanna hang on a minute?

Did you clear that with the boss?

Well, I go every Thursday.

But you can check it with the choir master if you want.

You know, we got that thing.

We got the thing we gotta do...

Don't be late.

To the new partner. To the late, great Ray Elliott.

And that's why, if we all stay cool, everything's gonna be just...

How many times are you going to tell me to stay cool, my man, I am cool, all right?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Little piece of shit just arrived.

Whoa! Hey! Calm down, man.

God damn it, man, he's bailing, I told you he was gonna bail.

Tell me what's happening.

He just left. Look, you did it your way, now I'm gonna try it my way.

- How about that? Well, we have to stick to the plan, otherwise people are gonna get seriously hurt, and Wendell will walk.

- Just get him inside. Yeah, whatever.

Make him... Must get him...

Hey, homes, I parked my car over there. Is that all right with you?

Thanks. Thank you, sir.

All right, he's inside.

So, I brought what you told me to bring.

I like a man who knows how to take direction.

Why don't we go up to your room and talk?


My grandfather is staying here.

And what is your grandfather's name?

Klump. Klump.

Yes, sir, he just checked in.

I'll just... Thank you.

Sir, it's Room 1015.

1015?

Mr. Klump, what are you doing here?

I won a contest.

Welcome to the Ellroy Hotel, may I help you?

Yes, you have an envelope for me.

My name's McGillicutty.

Here you are.

Mr. Klump, this is very important.

Exactly what kind of contest did you win?

The magazine kind.

Drink? Is that all you're offering?

Let's get the business out of the way first.

You sure you still want to get rid of Ray?

I am not a man prone for second thoughts.

And you haven't found anyone else? No.

Good.

So how do I know you're for real, huh?

You'll never know for sure.

But I promise you won't be disappointed.


Adelle?

You son of a bitch!

Stay here, and keep an eye out. Sir.

Whoever you are, somebody really wants you dead.

Now, I don't know about you, Bobby, but I'm feeling pretty dirty.

Can I watch, huh?

- Ray? Hey.

I was worried about you, where've you been?

Just covering our accounts, as instructed.

So I think I have something to tell you, I'm actually a huge opera fan.

That's what you needed to tell me?

But I always preferred Carmen to Salome.

You know why?

Because in Salome the hero loses his head, and in Carmen the evil temptress is made to pay with her life?

No.

Actually, it's the overture.

Hey, Lola. Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm ready.

Excuse me, sir.

Ice? For champagne? Oh, forget the ice, huh?

Why don't you get in the tub with me, huh?

I know these things that we can do with the water jets.

I'll tell you what...

Trust me, when I'm done with you, you're gonna need ice.

Can I help you? Yeah.

I'm looking for Ray... I mean, Bob.

He's a guest here.

Are you Adelle? Yes.

Room 1215.

Thank you.


I've learned to not rely on a single person in this world.

And I'm not. I'm relying on a dozen.

Mostly cheats, killers and cons.

And I happen to trust these people.

Or at least trust in their baser instincts.

Let's hope they don't disappoint me.

Nice shoes.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, fuck!

I got a paper cut.

Boss, you better sit down.

But the most important thing I learned from Jack, was that in the face of real danger, make certain that you are never ever around.

I don't like this.

Mr. Klump, I think we need to get you out of here.

The hell, no!

This is Detective Walsh, officer needs assistance.

We're at the Ellroy Hotel, Room 1015.

I swear, it was her.

I'm gonna kill him!

I'm gonna pray for God to resurrect him, then I'm gonna kill him again.

Ray?

Where are you?

- Front desk? You have a Robert in the hotel?

- I'm sorry? A Robert!

A Bob. What is the last name, sir?

I don't know, just tell me if there are any Roberts or God damned Bobs in the hotel!

Or I will come down there, and personally shove that phone...

I have a first initial "R."

- Yeah? R. Elliott.

Room 1215.

Sir?

Hello?

Hello?

So, I never thought it would come down to this.

You try to cover all the bases, do your homework.

But at the end of the day, it's the people you trust.

I'm not a huge proponent of that word.

I prefer leverage to human nature any day.

But sometimes you just have to roll the dice.

Something nasty for you.

Come on in, the water's fine.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

It's a figure of speech.

You almost done?

Room service!

It's open!

Oh, my God!

You a friend of Lola's?

Oh, shit.

Listen. Please. I swear to God I've never seen this woman before in my life.

My name is Robert Hatch.

Bob Hatch?

If you prefer.

You see any flowers for my wife down there?

What's going on here?

To be honest with you, I'm not quite sure.

Hey! That's him.

That's the guy you all were asking about.

I've never seen this old guy before in my life.

He's lying. Then what are you doing in his room with a gun?

Hey, boss. What?

It's 6:13.

God bless it. Give me the envelope.

Don't kill him till I get back.

I suppose we'll have to...


Where are we going?

What about the contest?

The contest, don't worry, it's gonna be just fine.

Step back into your suite.

Come on.

I don't know you, but you don't look that stupid.

We're in the back of the hotel right now.

Housekeeping.

Hello?

This is dispatch, we need two uniforms to Room 1517.

We've reports of an immobile Caucasian male, possible shooting victim.

Roger that. Yeah.

The victim has sustained several gunshot wounds to the chest...

Roger, ambulance.

We have a positive I.D. on the shooting victim.

Victim identified as Jack McCadden.

D.o.B. unknown, approximate age 34.

Lola, come on, let's go.

Here, it's yours.

Lola!

153 domestic and international warrants.

Los Angeles and FBI...

The victim has been identified as Jack McCadden.


What the hell was wrong with the other 15 bodies that I showed you?

I just wanted to make sure it was a good match.

You just couldn't stand the idea of you not leaving a good-looking corpse.

Vanity is gonna be the death of you, Ray.

Let's hope.

That should cover the cops and any incidentals.

And then some.

Hey, Cam, put him somewhere nice.

It's not every day you get to bury yourself.

What are you gonna do with the money?

Assuming the Sultan actually pays what he says, I don't know.

$5 million is a lot of cash.

But I'm a river to my people.

Yeah, less of the warmed-over Lawrence of Arabia, Sudhir.

You're from Boston. Where I have people.

Goodbye, Jack McCadden.

May I rest in peace.

Here's a new spin. If one in four men cheat on their wives, then three in four are faithful.

And an even more admirable, nine in 10 women.

Not bad odds to play.

So, no more Jack, no more alibis, no more worries.

Just the thought of waking up every morning and hearing...

You're such an asshole.

Well, you know, sometimes it helps if you don't know the whole story.

In... In... In business, not in relationships.

I want you to be part of my new life.

Not my old one.

So where should we go?

It's up to you.

But you said you'd already visited the Holy Land so...

I also mentioned that I'd show you not everyone is working an angle.

Noted. I think we should try this full disclosure thing, see how it goes.

Yeah, you know, I'm not so sure about Asia. How's London?

Not a good idea at the moment.

Caribbean? I have some minor, unfinished litigation.

Paris? Yes. Actually, no.

Okay, Amsterdam?

Come here.

I just realized, you're quite a bit taller than me, aren't you?