Life Is Ruff (2005) Script

[PUPPIES WHIMPERING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY ABC CABLE NETWORKS GROUP

LOOK, MOM. PUPPIES!

CAN I HAVE ONE?

SEE YA.

AW...CAN I KEEP HIM?

YES, LET'S TAKE HIM HOME.

GO AHEAD, YOU CAN PICK ONE OUT.

THANKS, DAD.

I WANT THIS ONE.

NOW, YOU SURE, HONEY?

MAKE SURE YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM.

I WILL.

[PUPPIES WHIMPER]

GOOD LUCK, LITTLE GUY.


[PUPPY WHIMPERS]

BEAT IT, FILTHY MUTT!

GET OUT OF HERE!

[BARKS]


LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT ONE.

[BARKS]

OK, BIG FELLA.

NICE AND EASY, NOW.

THERE HE GOES!

CALL FOR BACKUP NOW!

[CAR PEELS OUT]

THERE HE IS! GO! GO! GO!

Radio: CALLING ALL UNITS, ALL UNITS CONVERGE ON THE CORNER OF EUCLID AND ELM.

WE HAVE A 5-1-1 IN PROGRESS.

STOP THAT DOG!

I GOT YA!

LOOK OUT!

OH, MOMMY!

GET BACK HERE!

HE'S UNDER THE TABLE!

HEY, STOP THAT DOG!

HEY, YOU!

WATCH HIM! WATCH HIM!

HEY, HE GOT AWAY FROM US AGAIN!

[SIREN BLARES]

HEY, THERE HE IS! LET'S GET HIM!

Woman: OH, MY CLOTHES!

HE'S DESTROYING MY VINTAGE CLOTHES!

CUT HIM OFF! CUT HIM OFF!

WHERE'S MY BACKUP?

I WANT EVERY AVAILABLE UNIT OUT HERE NOW!

EASY. RELAX.

[WHIMPERS]

GOOD JOB.

ONLY 2 MORE ISSUES TO GO.

MORNING, MOM. MORNING, DAD.

HI, HONEY. HEY, SON.

GOOD MORNING, HONEY.

CALVIN, TRASH GOES OUT THIS MORNING.

IT'S COVERED, DAD! [CELL PHONE RINGS]

FIGG, YEAH, MAN.

I'M RUNNING A COUPLE MINUTES LATE.

ADJUST MY SCHEDULE ACCORDINGLY. ALL RIGHT.

CALVIN!

YO, LOU AND THRASH, WHAT'S UP?

DUDE, THANKS FOR HOOKING US UP WITH THOSE MUDBUCKET TICKETS.

YEAH, THAT CONCERT ROCKED!

LOU, DON'T FORGET THE LAWN CLIPPINGS, GUYS.

GOOD MORNING, MR. WHEELER. YOUR SON ROCKS.

YOU MUST BE, LIKE, REALLY PROUD.

* MMM...COME ON

* UNGH YO. YO. YO. YO. YO. YO. YO.

WHAT'S THE WORD, FIGG?

WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POP QUIZ COMING UP IN FIFTH PERIOD.

ALSO, THEY MAILED OUT THIRD QUARTER REPORT CARDS YESTERDAY, SO HEAD'S UP AT HOME.

GOT IT.

AND YOU STILL NEED A DATE FOR THE SPRING DANCE.

I COMPILED A DOSSIER FROM THE TOP CONTENDERS AND SCHEDULED INTERVIEWS FOR LUNCH PERIOD.

WHAT'S UP, MAN? WHAT'S GOING ON?

PRETTY SIMPLE DAY, YOU KNOW?

Figg: OK, GIRLS IF YOU'LL PLEASE BE SEATED.

I'M CAPTAIN OF THE CHEER SQUAD, A GREAT DANCER, OH, AND I LOOK SPECTACULAR IN ALL SPRING COLORS.

YOU HAVE IMPRESSIVE QUALIFICATIONS, JULIE.

BUT I DO HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU.

SURE, ANYTHING!

WHAT IS THE NAME OF GOTHAM MAN'S ARCH-ENEMY?

I'M SORRY?

GOTHAM MAN? PROTON COMICS?

CREATED BY ARTIST STEWART BICKFORD IN 1947--

RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT.

THE SUPERHERO. BUT WHY ARE YOU--

LOOK. LOOK. LOOK.

DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF HIS ARCH-ENEMY OR NOT?

SURE! IT'S... I THINK...

CHARLIE.

THANKS, JULIE. WE'LL LET YOU KNOW. NEXT!

WAIT! FRANK?

JIM? TIM? EUGENE?

CAN'T THIS BE MULTIPLE CHOICE OR SOMETHING?

OK, NEXT!

SUPPORT THE LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER.

THE SHELTER IS IN DESPERATE NEED OF RENOVATIONS AND VOLUNTEERS.

PLEASE, TAKE A FLYER.

OH, EMILY! SURE, I'LL TAKE ONE.

OK, LOOK.

FIGG, THIS IS THE LIST OF COMICS I NEED YOU TO PICK UP FOR ME. OK?

Figg: OK.

THANKS LOADS, CALVIN.

OH, AND THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION.

GOTHAM MAN'S ARCH-ENEMY HAS NO NAME.

Emily: PLEASE SAVE THE ANIMAL SHELTER!

HI, THERE.

I'M SORRY, EMILY.

YOU KNOW HOW SHORT WE ARE IN FUNDING.

WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE SPACE.

PLEASE, MR. DUDLEY, JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME!

I KNOW THAT I CAN FIND TYCHO A HOME!

HI, THERE, BUDDY. HEY, TYCHO.

TYCHO? EMILY, WE TALKED ABOUT NAMING THE ANIMALS.

IT JUST MAKES IT HARDER WHEN...

THINGS DON'T WORK OUT.

BUT I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH HIM, TRAINING HIM.

HE'S REALLY VERY SWEET.

AND...I TAUGHT HIM A TRICK.

HEY! HEY!

UM, NO, STOP IT.

UM, THAT WASN'T THE TRICK.

EMILY, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO LEARN WE CAN'T SAVE 'EM ALL.

IT'S OK, TYCHO.

WE'LL FIND YOU A HOME. I PROMISE.

Calvin: YOU KNOW, IT'S MY DREAM TO GET GOTHAM MAN #1.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, THE DARK DRAGON CHRONICLES REPRESENTS THE PINNACLE OF THE GOTHAM MAN LEGACY.

BUT I MEAN, THE ORIGINAL GOTHAM MAN, HE'S, LIKE--

HEY, CALVIN! POP-A-WHEELER!

WE NEED TO TALK, MAN.

HEY, MAMA.

HEY, SWEETIE.

DON'T MIND IF WE USE THIS SPACE A LITTLE BIT, DO YOU?

NO, YOU GO AHEAD, BABY.

CALVIN, HAVE A SEAT.

OK. SEAT? THAT AIN'T GONNA HURT.

LISTEN, MAN.

TONIGHT IS THE LAST GAME OF THE SEASON.

WE WIN THIS GAME, WE CLINCH REGIONALS.

YOU GUYS ARE 6 1/2 POINT FAVORITES.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WESTLAKE SOMEHOW GOT A HOLD OF OUR PLAYBOOK, AND THEY'RE GONNA KNOW ALL OF OUR SCHEMES.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT GONNA COST US?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULDN'T JUST DO IT IN THE NAME OF GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP?

YOU KNOW, SCHOOL SPIRIT?

'CAUSE I KNOW YOU, CALVIN.

OK, GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

COME ON, FIGG.

HOOK ME UP, MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

THE GAME STARTS IN A COUPLE OF HOURS!

I'M THINKING GOTHAM MAN NUMBER 43.

TRADE.

BUT HOW AND WHO?

YOU KNOW, UM, SIMON GIMPLE?

SURE, HE GOES TO WESTLAKE.

YEAH, HE'S ALSO THE BASKETBALL TEAM EQUIPMENT MANAGER.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

SO, HOW'S THE PIZZA, SIMON?

CALVIN? WHERE ARE YOU?

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

DID YOU BRING IT?

UM...

Announcer: AND NOW, TO AMAZE, EXCITE, AND INSPIRE, THE BEDFORD HIGH PRE-GAME PREP COMMITTEE IS PROUD TO PRESENT PRESTON PRICE AND HIS WONDER DOG JACQUES!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS OUR HOPE THAT JACQUES' RIVETING PERFORMANCE WILL INSPIRE YOU ALL TO BE CHAMPIONS.

OK. OK. Man: DO IT!

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

COULD YOU GUYS STEP AWAY FROM JACQUES, PLEASE?

HOP UP!

AH, GOOD BOY. GOOD BOY.

OH, ISN'T THAT LITTLE DOG CUTE?!

CALVIN, WE NEED THAT BOOK.

I BROUGHT IT, BUT, UH--

SIMON, COME ON, MAN, WE HAD A DEAL. OK?

NOW SLIP IT IN ONE OF THE NEWSPAPERS IN THE RACK, BY THE DOOR. YEAH.

LOOK, CALVIN, YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA GET ME SOMETHING COOL FOR THIS.

SOMETHING HI-TECH.

MAN, YOU'RE HOLDING IT.

THAT CELL PHONE IS A RANYO SCH-600, MAN.

THAT CELL PHONE DOESN'T EVEN COME OUT IN THE U.S. UNTIL NEXT YEAR. ENJOY.

I DON'T KNOW, CALVIN.

I FEEL LIKE A TRAITOR OR SOMETHING.

CALVIN? HELLO?

ARE YOU THERE? HELLO?

CALVIN, ARE YOU THERE? HELLO?

GOOD BOY. GOD BOY. LET'S SKATEBOARD.

GOOD BOY.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

[CROWD YAWNS]

THANK YOU.

JACQUES AND I THANK YOU.

IF JACQUES AND I DIDN'T FIRE UP THIS TEAM, NOTHING WILL.

[CROWD CHEERS AND BAND PLAYS]

YO, FIGG!

COME HERE!

WHERE'S CALVIN AT, MAN?

WE'RE GONNA GET CRUSHED OUT THERE!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, GUYS. HE'LL BE HERE.

THIS IS JUST LIKE ISSUE 511 OF GOTHAM MAN.

All: WHAT?!

WHERE THE NAMELESS ONE STOLE THE BLUEPRINTS FROM THE GOTHAM CAVE.

FIGG, IF WE LOSE THIS GAME, WE'RE GONNA NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE OUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON, ARE YOU FEELIN' ME?

All: WILDCATS!

GO, WILDCATS!

YO, FIGG!

OH, CALVIN.

YO, THIS SHOULD EVEN THINGS UP A LITTLE.

HA HA! THE WESTLAKE PLAYBOOK!

YES! YEAH!

CALVIN, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PULLED THIS OFF.

RICH, PLEASE, PAY THE MAN.

GRR! HA!

GOTHAM MAN. ISSUE #2.

All: OOH.

WE ARE GOING TO WIN THIS THING, GUYS.

THIS IS PROMISED LAND TIME, AND I'M TAKIN' US THERE, Y'ALL!

COME ON! LET'S DO THIS!

LET'S GO!

WHOO! YEAH, BABY! GAME TIME, BABY! YEAH!

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S ME AND JACQUES.

OUR CHAMPIONSHIP SPIRIT IS, LIKE, TOTALLY CONTAGIOUS.

* DO YOU HAVE THE STUFF TO BE A CHAMPION? *

* GOTTA FEEL THE LIFE, GOTTA FEEL THE THUNDER *

* DEAL WITH ANGUISH, ANGER, REACH DOWN IN YOURSELF *

* HIS PLAYING'S NO STRANGER, YOU CAN TELL *

* MOMENTS AND OPPONENTS ARE BROKEN DOWN *

* YOU NEED A BRAVE HEART, GOTTA PLAY ON *

* WITH POWER, SKILL, AND GRACE *

* WE WILL DISGRACE ANYONE WHO STEPS IN MY FACE *

* NOW I'M GONNA PRESS YOU

* WE'RE THE NEW SCHOOL, TAKE A DOUBLE SCOOP *

* SO WE'RE TAKING ON ALL WE WANT *

* AND WE'VE BEEN LEARNIN' AND REHEARSIN' FOR A REASON *

* GUESS WHO'S OUT OF GAS?

* I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BURN IT ALL THE WAY *

* GUESS WHO'S OUT OF GAS?

* I DO WHAT WE WANT, AND WE'RE HERE TO STAY *

WE WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY OF BEDFORD JUNIOR HIGH WHO CAME OUT HERE FOR THIS SEASON TO SUPPORT US.

COME ON, Y'ALL.

BUT WE COULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT THE HELP OF A VERY, VERY SPECIAL FAN.

WE ARE DEDICATING THIS ONE TO HIM.

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, EVERYONE.

IT WAS NOTHING, REALLY.

IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.

CALVIN WHEELER! GIVE IT UP, Y'ALL!

HEY, MOM. HI, DAD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DID SOMEBODY DIE?

MM-HMM. MR. GRADE POINT AVERAGE.

MY GRADE POINT AVERAGE? HMM?

NO WAY, THAT CANNOT BE MINE.

I AM PASSING EVERY CLASS.

NO, YOU ARE BARELY PASSING EVERY CLASS.

YOU'RE DOING JUST ENOUGH TO GET BY.

AND NOT JUST AT SCHOOL.

TAKE THE GARBAGE, FOR EXAMPLE.

WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

DID LOU AND THRASH FORGET THE LAWN TRIMMINGS?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOTTA TALK TO THEM.

YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT, CALVIN.

WE ASKED YOU TO TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT.

ALL YOUR TEACHERS SAY YOU'RE BRIGHT AND POPULAR, BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH, CALVIN!

LOOK, WE WANT YOU TO GO TO COLLEGE, HAVE A REAL FUTURE, BUT THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN IF YOU KEEP TAKING EVERY SHORTCUT YOU CAN.

ISSUE #2 DOWN, ISSUE #1 TO GO.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

WHAT'S UP, FIGG?

FIGG? FIGG, YOU OK?

NONG'S COMICS. MAIN STREET GO!

THAT...

THAT CAN'T BE WHAT I THINK IT IS.

1947. GOTHAM MAN.

NUMERO UNO.

EDITION ONE.

[SPRAYING] BUT...

THERE'S ONLY 8 KNOWN COPIES IN EXISTENCE.

LOOK AT THE PRICE, CALVIN.

$3,000?

THERE'S NO WAY.

YOUR CURRENT NET WORTH IS $144.63.

SO, THAT MEANS I'LL NEED TO RAISE...

LESS 3,000.

$2,855.37.

NOT INCLUDING TAX. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S WHAT?

WHAT DO WE SAY ABOUT "THE IMPOSSIBLE?"

OK. OK.

EXPECT...THE IMPOSSIBLE!

FIGG! GET DOWN!

ALL RIGHT.

CAREFUL.

NOT THERE, YOU DUFUS.

JACQUES AND I NEED A FULL 100 FEET FOR OUR TRAINING.

[DOG BARKS]

JACQUES! [SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

AAH!

GET AWAY FROM JACQUES!

[GROANING]

OH, JACQUES, MY PRECIOUS.

DID THAT BAD, BAD BOY HURT YOU?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

THAT LITTLE RAT OF YOURS ATTACKED ME.

THIS...RAT...

HAPPENS TO BE JEAN JACQUES ST. GERMAINE DE DUPREE.

HE'S AN AWARD-WINNING PURE-BRED TERRIER.

WE'VE WON ROYAL HOUND DOG FOOD'S TOP DOG INVITATIONAL 2 YEARS IN A ROW.

CONGRATULATIONS.

IF I EVER DECIDE TO GIVE A FLYING WHOOP, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

YEAH? WELL, WHOOP ON THIS.

FIRST PRIZE IS $5,000.

COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?

$5,000.

WE DEFEND OUR TITLE IN 2 WEEKS AT THE BEDFORD CIVIC CENTER.

ACCORDING TO THE ROYAL HOUND TOP DOG RULE BOOK, THEIR INVITATIONAL FINALS IS HELD ONCE A YEAR.

IN ORDER TO QUALIFY, YOU HAVE TO PLACE FIRST IN AT LEAST ONE REGULAR SEASON TOP DOG EVENT.

WIN ONE EVENT TO QUALIFY? NO PROBLEM.

Woman: SHH.

THAT GETS YOU AN AUTOMATIC INVITATION TO THE TOP DOG FINALS.

IT'S A FREESTYLE EVENT JUDGED ON A SCALE OF ONE TO 100.

THE OWNER OF THE DOG MUST PERFORM A 90-SECOND ROUTINE.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

TRICKS, ACROBATICS, WHATEVER WILL IMPRESS THE JUDGES.

SOUNDS LIKE EASY MONEY. HA HA HA!

Woman: SHH!

YEAH, EXCEPT THE TOP DOG SEASON IS ALMOST OVER, AND WE HAPPEN TO BE MISSING SOMETHING KIND OF IMPORTANT.

LIKE WHAT?

Woman: SHH!

A DOG.

THIS ONE'S 850.

850?

DOLLARS?!

CALVIN, THESE ARE REAL, PURE-BRED DOGS.

THEY COST REAL MONEY.

YEAH, YEAH, WE NEED ONE WE CAN GET REAL CHEAP.

WHAT'S THIS SAY?

CENTRAL CITY ANIMAL SHELTER?

HELLO, THERE.

SUGAR WOOGAR.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

HELLO. HELLO, LITTLE BUDDY.

CALVIN?

OH, HEY, EMILY.

SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK?

HOW DOES WHAT WORK, EXACTLY?

YOU KNOW!

ME, YOU KNOW, GETTING A DOG.

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN HOLD MY PUPPY WHEN I BROUGHT HIM IN FOR SHOW AND TELL IN THE THIRD GRADE.

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YOU SAID THAT ANIMALS WERE DIRTY.

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

CALVIN, I HAVE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS!

YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING IN IT FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THOUGHT MAYBE ADOPTING A DOG WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME, HELP ME TURN OVER A NEW LEAF.

MAYBE I CAME TO THE WRONG PLACE.

CALVIN, WAIT.

UM, THERE IS ONE DOG.

WHAT IS THAT THING?

I NAMED HIM TYCHO.

AW, HE LIKES YOU.

AW, GOOD BOY, TYCHO.

OK. LOOK. OK.

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, 100% SURE THIS IS THE ONLY DOG AVAILABLE?

AAH!

TYCHO! NO!

GIVE ME THE SHIRT! GIVE ME!

TYCHO, WILL YOU LET GO OF HIS SHIRT?

PLEASE, TYCHO. GIVE ME THE SHIRT.

OHH!

HE LOVES TO PLAY TUG-OF-WAR.

TAKE HIM OR LEAVE HIM.

OH, AND DO ME A FAVOR.

DON'T BUY ANY ROYAL HOUND BRAND DOG FOOD OR ANY OF THEIR PRODUCTS.

THEY SPONSOR THESE HORRIBLE DOG SHOWS AND I CAN'T STAND SEEING ANIMALS EXPLOITED.

OH, YEAH, TOTALLY. HEH. ME, NEITHER.

OK, UM...

ALL YOU NEED IS A SIGNATURE FROM A PARENT OR GUARDIAN.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM, IS IT?

NO, UH...OF COURSE NOT.

PROMISE YOU WILL WORK HARDER NEXT SEMESTER?

I MEAN IT THIS TIME, CALVIN. NO SHORTCUTS.

I'LL BRING UP MY MARKS, I PROMISE, OK?

OK. NOW DON'T FORGET. SIGN HERE...

[YAWNING]

AND RIGHT DOWN THERE.

HERE?

OK.

THANK YOU, MOM.

[SLURPING]

[GROANING]

ECCH!

OK, OK. SHOULD I BE WORRIED?

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, ABOUT GERMS?

NO, ACTUALLY HE SHOULD.

A DOG'S MOUTH IS CLEANER THAN A HUMAN'S.

[TYCHO DRINKING FROM TOILET]

I FIND THAT VERY HARD TO BELIEVE.

TYCHO!

COME HERE, BOY.

COME HERE. TCH TCH!

OK, NOW THIS IS MY HOME NUMBER.

OK.

GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS.

AND I'LL BE COMING BY YOUR HOUSE IN ABOUT 10 DAYS.

REALLY?

YEAH. IT'S A STANDARD POST-ADOPTION INTERVIEW.

JUST MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE FIT AS AN OWNER.

COOL.

COME ON, BUDDY. COME ON.

CALVIN, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DOG NOW.

YOU DO REALIZE THAT?

HEY, NO PROBLEM.

[WOOF WOOF]

OOH!

[SIGHS]

OK, LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT. GIDDY-UP!

NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT GONNA PULL YOU, OK?

YOU ARE GONNA PULL ME, OK?

OK. LET'S GO.

[ARF ARF]

[WOOF] WHOA!

* WHO WANTS SOME FUN?

* BREAK OUT THE FUN

* WHO WANTS SOME FUN?

* BREAK OUT THE FUN

* CAN WE RUN AND HOP AND JUMP AND KEEP A LOW SUGAR RUSH *

* CAN WE RUN AND HOP AND JUMP AND KEEP IT BOLD? *

WHOA!

UNH!

TYCHO! SIT!

TYCHO!

TYCHO!

WHOA!

* CAN WE RUN AND HOP AND JUMP AND KEEP A LOW SUGAR RUSH? *

* CAN WE RUN AND HOP AND JUMP AND KEEP A LOW SUGAR RUSH *

TYCHO!

THIS IS GETTIN' RIDICULOUS!

YOU STAY RIGHT THERE! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T YOU MOVE.

OK, HURRY UP.

WHOA!

* WE HAVE TO SHOW THAT WE CAN *

* RUN AND JUMP AND HOP AND KEEP A LOW SUGAR RUSH *

WHOA!

* CAN WE RUN AND JUMP AND HOP AND KEEP A LOW SUGAR RUSH? *

* KEEP IT BOLD, KEEP IT BOLD *

WHOA! OH--OH!

[WHIMPERS]

WHERE'D TYCHO GO? OHH!

TYCHO?

OHH!

OH HO!

YEAH! CAUGHT YA! HA HA HA HA!

ME AND YOU GOTTA HAVE A TALK.

WHOA! NO! STOP! WHOA!

LOOK OUT!

DO YOU HEAR ME? BAD DOG!

NO, NO! NOT THE HILL, PLEASE! NOT THE HILL!

TYCHO! TYCHO! GET BACK HERE!

STOP! STOP, TYCHO! STOP! I'M LOSIN' MY GRIP!

TYCHO!

OH, TYCHO! AAH!

AAH! NO!

AAH!

[WOOF]

[WHIMPERS]

[COUGHING]

[WOOF]

[WOOF]

OH, TYCHO!

COME ON, MAN. IT'S JUST FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

I DON'T KNOW, CALVIN.

LOOK, MAN, YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW HE'S THERE.

WHY CAN'T HE JUST STAY WITH YOU?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

MY PARENTS WON'T EVEN LET ME HAVE A GOLDFISH.

LOOK, MAN, THIS IS JUST LIKE ISSUE 723 OF GOTHAM MAN, WHEN HE HAD TO TAME THOSE WILD STAMPEDING BUFFALO MUTANTS?

YEAH, BUT GOTHAM MAN HAS, LIKE, SUPER POWERS.

SO DO YOU.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET.

CALVIN. CALVIN, YOU CAN'T BE SE--

[WOOF WOOF]

[KNOCK ON WINDOW]

HEY, MAN, YOU OK?

7 POUNDS.

THAT'S THE WEIGHT LIMIT ALLOWED FOR PETS AT MY APARTMENT COMPLEX. 7 POUNDS.

COME ON, FIGG, MAN, I WAS COUNTING ON YOU.

ISSUE 723 OF GOTHAM MAN. REMEMBER?

GOTHAM MAN'S LANDLORD NEVER THREATENED TO EVICT HIM.

[WOOF WOOF]

TYCHO'S, LIKE, 24 TIMES OVER THE LEGAL LIMIT.

RIGHT. LET'S JUST GET HIM IN HERE.

[WOOF] SHH! SHH! SHH!

GO! GO.

GOSH.

[SCOFFS] LATER, MAN.

LATER.

HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUDDY?

YOU ARE A GUEST IN MY HOME.

[WOOF WOOF]

HEY, HEY, HEY. SHH! SHH!

CONTROL YOURSELF.

OK, LOOK. YOU SLEEP HERE. OK?

[WOOF]

HEY! HEY.

YOU--OK, COME ON.

GET ON.

[WOOF]

ALL RIGHT. SHH!

QUIET. OK?

[WHIMPERS]

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

YOU JUST SLEEP-- YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU?

GO LIKE THIS.

GO JUST LIKE THIS.

[WHIMPERS]

SAY, YOU'RE SLICK. YEAH, ALL RIGHT!

FINALLY!

OK? SEE? SLEEP TIME.

GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES.

OH! HEY. HEY, HEY.

HEY.

[GRRR]

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

HEY, SWEETIE, ARE YOU OK?

HUH?

HEARD YOU SNORING LAST NIGHT.

IT SOUNDED AWFUL. ARE YOU GETTING A COLD?

UH...UH, YEAH. [FAKES COUGHING]

I'M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING. 'CHOO!

EXCUSE ME.

AND ONE MORE THING, CALVIN.

YOU'RE A GROWING BOY. YOU REALLY NEED TO SHOWER EVERY DAY.

[SNIFFING]

OK. THERE'S ONLY ONE SANCTIONED EVENT LEFT IN THE TOP DOG REGULAR SEASON CIRCUIT.

IT'S OUR LAST CHANCE TO GET AN INVITATION TO THE TOP DOG FINALS.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS WIN IT.

"OWNERS MUST LEAD THEIR DOGS

"THROUGH A SERIES

"OF RAMPS, TUNNELS, AND WATER HAZARDS.

TIME PENALTIES WILL BE ASSESSED FOR EACH MISSED OBSTACLE."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

[GRRR]

WELL, WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE COMPETING IN THE DOG SHOW WITH JEAN JACQUESQUISE, ANCIENT DOO DOO, I DECIDED TO PUT MY DOG IN THERE.

[GRRR]

[WHIMPERS]

YOU MAY BE A BIG DEAL AT SCHOOL, BUT DOG SHOWS ARE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I WILL DESTROY YOU.

CHILL, PRESTON. LOOK, MAN, I'M NOT TRYING TO STEP ON ANYBODY'S TOES HERE.

OK?

YOU LISTEN TO ME VERY CLOSELY.

WHATEVER SCHEME YOU'RE PLANNING WITH THAT MANGY MUTT, YOU BETTER JUST DROP IT NOW. OK?

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.

[GRRR]

HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY.

OH--UNH! [WOOF]

[BARKING]

NO, MAN!

I GOT HIM! OHH...

UNH!

[SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

JACQUES! TYCHO!

HELP ME, JACQUES, PLEASE!

TYCHO!

OHH...

[WOOF]

TYCHO! COME BACK HERE!

TYCHO! OHH...

OOF! OHH...

OH, JACQUES, I'M SORRY.

STUPID DOG.

YOU'RE SUCH A MESS.

OHH! OHH!

[LAUGHING] HEY--HEY, MAN!

STOP!

DON'T--OH! OH!

H-HOW'S THAT, HUH, CALVIN?

OH! OH--[LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT, I'M GETTIN' YOU. OK.

CALVIN, COME ON.

GET HIM, TYCHO.

OH, TYCHO, STOP!

Figg: CALVIN!

AAH--UHH! OH--

DUDE, YOUR MOM'S HOME!

OH--OH--UH--

OH, HEY, KIDS.

WHAT YOU DOIN'?

WE'RE JUST, UM...HEH...

CHILLIN'.

CHILLIN' LIKE A VILLAIN, MRS. WHEELER.

YEAH, CHILLIN'.

Calvin: HEH. YEAH.

[TYCHO WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERING]

[SKATEBOARD]

[BARKING]

WHAT, MAN? I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL.

[WOOF WOOF]

* DID YOU EVER WONDER WHAT IT FEELS LIKE *

* LOOKIN' UP FROM THE KITCHEN FLOOR? *

* THEY PAT YOU ON THE HEAD WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY *

* THAT'S THE WAY IT FEELS WHEN YOU'RE A DOG *

* THEY KICK YOU OFF THE COUCH AND TELL YOU TO STAY *

* AND PUT YOU OUT AND THEN THEY LOCK THE DOOR *

* THEY NEVER UNDERSTAND A WORD THAT YOU SAY *

* THAT'S THE WAY IT FEELS WHEN YOU'RE A DOG *

* THAT'S THE HONEST TRUTH ABOUT THE WAY IT IS *

* WHEN YOU'RE A DOG

* AND WHAT YOU REALLY WANNA DO IS BE A BEST FRIEND *

* THAT'S THE WAY IT FEELS WHEN YOU'RE A... *

* DOG TYCHO?

TYCHO!

COME HERE, TYCHO.

[WHISTLES]

[TRIPS OVER OBJECT]

SORRY MOTHER MOLASSES!

TY-TYCHO?

TYCHO?

TYCHO.

TY-TYCHO! DON'T YOU RUN.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDIN' ME!

MAN, I GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF SIGHT.

NO WAY.

OK.

COME ON. OK. OK.

COME ON. STAY. STAY.

JUST STAY, OK? STAY. STAY.

STAY. STAY.

[WHINES, GROWLS]

CALVIN?

OH! HEY, GUYS!

I WAS JUST, UH, UM...

FIXING A SNACK.

WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED?

AND STOP FIDGETING.

I KNOW YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.

ARE YOU OK, SON?

WAIT! WAIT!

THIS IS-- THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

WE CAN STAY HERE!

WE CAN STAY HERE.

WE CAN STILL STAY HERE, YEAH.

DAD, DAD, LOOK.

SEE, UM, I JUST--

JUST HAD A COUPLE OF FRIENDS OVER, THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S ALL?! CALVIN, LOOK AT THIS MESS.

IT LOOKS LIKE FOREIGN AGENTS RANSACKED OUR KITCHEN AND DIDN'T FIND WHAT THEY WERE LOOKING FOR.

THIS AIN'T GONNA WORK.

LOOK, LOOK.

LOOK, LOOK, UM--

LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN--

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HEAR IT.

MM-HMM. OK.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. THIS IS ALL MY--

I'LL CLEAN IT UP--

HOLD ON, YOUNG MAN--

OK, DAD, I'LL DO IT, I'LL CLEAN IT UP.

THINK ABOUT IT. HE'S HIDING SOMETHING.

HE DIDN'T TRY TO MAKE ANY EXCUSES AND HE DIDN'T BLAME ANYBODY ELSE.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER HEARD CALVIN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR...

ANYTHING.

I'M SURPRISED HE EVEN KNOWS WHERE WE KEEP THE MOP.

WE'LL LEAVE HIM.

OH--OH...

COME ON, TYCHO, COME ON.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

QUIET.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

TYCHO?

TY-TY-TYCHO?

TYCHO, MAN--

THESE ARE MY SNEAKERS!

[WHIMPERS]

NO. NO.

NO, NO, NO.

AND THIS IS MY GEOMETRY HOMEWORK!

NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO DO THAT?

NOW, YOU TELL ME, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL MY TEACHER--

[KNOCK ON DOOR] MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK?

CALVIN! WHO ARE YOU YELLING AT?

UH...

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN THERE?

YEAH, MOM!

I WAS JUST, UH...

DOING MY NIGHTLY MEDITATIONS.

OHM...OHM...

[SNIFFING]

OHM...OHM...

BREAKIN' THE HOUSE, CHEWIN' UP MY SNEAKERS, EATING MY HOMEWORK. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS DOG, SO EVEN IF IT IS ANOTHER WEEK...

[EXASPERATED GRUNT] WE ARE OVER.

[WHIMPERS] YOU HEAR ME?

[WOOF] WE ARE OVER.

[WHIMPERING]

RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL TYCHO IS GOING RIGHT BACK TO THE POUND.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SHOW?

IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

CALVIN, HE'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

NOT ANYMORE.

HEY, CALVIN.

HOW YA DOIN', BUDDY?

WHAT'S UP, LEONARD? WHAT'S UP, THRASH?

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS GARBAGE DAY.

LOOK, THIS IS KIND OF AWKWARD FOR US.

HOW DO I PUT THIS?

WELL, IT'S LIKE THIS--

WE GOTTA POUND ON YOU.

[WOOF, GRRR]

FIGG, MAN, GET OUTTA HERE.

NO WAY!

[WOOF]

[BARKING]

IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, CALVIN.

YEAH, WE LIKE YA. EVERYONE DOES.

BUT WE'RE GETTIN' PAID.

IT'S BUSINESS.

YOU CAN APPRECIATE THAT.

I MEAN--CAN I AT LEAST ASK WHY?

IT'S, UH, PRESTON PRICE.

HE WANTS YOU AND YOUR DOG TO STAY AWAY FROM THAT DOG SHOW.

AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO, YOU KNOW, ENCOURAGE YOU TO DROP OUT.

AND YOU KNOW HOW...

PERSUASIVE WE CAN BE.

[WOOF]

LOOK, MAN, NONE OF THIS IS NECESSARY.

TELL PRESTON I AM TAKING TYCHO RIGHT BACK TO THE POUND TODAY AFTER SCHOOL.

LOOK, WE STILL GOTTA POUND ON YOU. WE'VE ALREADY BEEN PAID.

YEAH. WE GOT ETHICS AND STUFF.

SORRY, CALVIN.

THERE'S NO TALKING YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE.

SO YOU WANT IT IN THE FACE OR THE GUT OR WHAT?

[BARKING]

SURPRISE ME.

WHAT IS THAT?! OHH, NO!

AAH!

[SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

OH! MAN! ARE Y'ALL OK?

[BOTH GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

Calvin: YOU STUPID DOG!

COME ON, BUDDY! COME ON!

[WOOF WOOF] HA HA HA!

HEEL!

OHH...

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO FIX THAT GATE FOR MONTHS.

SO LET'S RECAP.

OUR SON IS JUST SPONTANEOUSLY DOING WORK AROUND THE HOUSE WITHOUT EVEN BEING TOLD?

I DON'T THINK IT'S OUR SON.

Calvin: HELLO?

YEAH, EMILY?

YEAH, IT'S CALVIN.

YEAH, UH, SORRY TO CALL SO LATE, IT'S JUST THAT, UH...

I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP WITH TYCHO.

WELL, NOTHING'S REALLY WRONG.

IT'S JUST THAT...

HE'S A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN I BARGAINED FOR.

OK, OK, SIT.

BAD DOG. BAD--

I SAID SIT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT SIT MEANS?

YOU CAN'T JUST YELL AT HIM!

HE'S DOIN' IT WRONG.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TEACHING HIM THE DIFFERENCE?

REWARD HIM WHEN HE DOES SOMETHING RIGHT.

[SIGHS] COME HERE.

COME HERE, TYCHO. COME HERE.

OH, GOOD BOY!

YEAH, OK.

NOW SIT.

SIT.

YEAH! GOOD BOY!

THAT'S A GOOD BOY.

YEAH.

SO THAT'S IT?

JUST GIVE HIM FOOD?

A DOG NEEDS MORE THAN JUST FOOD.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM ENCOURAGEMENT, PATIENCE, APPROVAL.

AND IF YOU REALLY WANT A DOG TO RESPOND TO YOU, YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM LOVE.

YEAH, WHO'S A GOOD BOY?!

* COOLIN' DOWN MY WORLD

* WITH THE BALL AND CHAIN WITH YOU *

* CALLIN' DOWN THE CLOUDS

* AS THEY TRY TO SPOIL THE VIEW *

* AND THEN CAME YOU

* THE SUN IS SHINING ON IT ANYWHERE *

* THE LIGHT FIELDS FALL IN SATURN'S RINGS *

* WHEN TOGETHER, WE'RE AS LIGHT AS FEATHERS *

* ON A FALCON'S WING

* EVERYBODY TELLIN' ME THERE'S NOTHING NEW *

* OHH OHH

* AND THEN CAME YOU

* AND THEN CAME YOU AND YOU HAVE TO PUT ASIDE YOUR NEEDS FOR WHAT'S BEST FOR THE DOG.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

EMILY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

FIRE AWAY.

HOW DID YOU KNOW GOTHAM MAN'S ARCHENEMY WAS NAMELESS?

DUH. I READ THE COMICS.

YOU READ THEM?

OR DO YOU JUST SKIM THROUGH THEM SOMETIMES MAYBE?

TEST ME.

OK, UH...

THE LICENSE PLATE NUMBER OF THE GOTHAM-MOBILE.

BEFORE OR AFTER IT GOT TOTALED IN ISSUE 533?

WHAT IS WITH THE TRICK QUESTIONS?

HAVE YOU EVER JUST BEEN STRAIGHT UP AND REAL WITH A PERSON?

NO.

NEVER.

PAR FOR THE COURSE.

Calvin: FIGG, I AM TELLING YOU, EMILY WAS JUST AMAZING WITH TYCHO TODAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK WE HAVE A GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING THAT OBSTACLE COURSE EVENT.

MOM'S HOME EARLY.

CALVIN, FIGG, STAY OUTSIDE!

THERE'S A BEAR IN THE HOUSE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'VE BARRICADED IT IN YOUR ROOM AND I'M CALLING 911.

MOM, MOM, MOM, CHILL, CHILL, CH--

SHH!

THAT'S NOT A BEAR.

THAT'S TYCHO.

MY DOG.

YOUR WHAT?

Mom: IT HAS TO GO BACK TO THE POUND.

Dad: NOW, HOLD ON.

I HAD A DOG WHEN I WAS A KID.

SKINNY LITTLE THING. FOLLOWED ME HOME ONE DAY.

MY MOM AND DAD LET ME KEEP IT.

WELL, HONEY, IT'S VERY SWEET, BUT I JUST...

YOU KNOW...THE FUNNY THING ABOUT HAVING A DOG--

THEY'RE A REAL PAIN.

DESTROY EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, PEE ON THE RUG, SLOBBER EVERYWHERE.

BUT YOU LOVE 'EM ANYWAY.

SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR CALVIN.

[WHIMPERING]

I'M SAYING THAT...

LOVE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SHORTCUTS.

[DOOR OPENS]

[TYCHO WHIMPERS]

OK...

TYCHO...

CAN STAY.

REALLY?

YAY! THANK YOU, MOM! THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, DAD. THANK YOU.

NOT SO FAST.

THERE'S STILL THE LITTLE MATTER OF YOU TRICKING YOUR MOM INTO SIGNING THE ADOPTION PAPERS.

OH, YEAH. HA HA!

GUESS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. JUST SLIPPED MY MIND, YOU KNOW?

Mom: NO TV, NO CELL PHONE.

Dad: FOR 2 MONTHS.

AND YOUR GRADES BETTER START...

GETTING BETTER.

THEY WILL, DAD! I PROMISE.

YOU CAN STAY. YOU CAN STAY.

* I'M

* A DOG

* I'M

* A DOG

* ONLY ONE CHANCE TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME *

* YOU GET YOURS WHEN I GET MINE *

* 'CAUSE I'M

* I'M A DOG

* CHASE

* YOUR TAIL

* CHASE

* YOUR TAIL

* RUNNIN' AROUND IN THE STREETS ALL DAY *

* FIND THE ANSWER OR I MIGHT JUST STAY *

* STAY A DOG

[THUNDER]

[WHIMPERING]

GOOD LUCK, LITTLE GUY.

[THUNDER]

[WHIMPERING]

IT'S OK, TYCHO.

IT'S JUST A BAD DREAM.

YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME.

WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO BEDFORD CIVIC AUDITORIUM, THE SITE OF THE LAST REGULAR SEASON EVENT IN ROYAL HOUND DOG FOOD'S TOP DOG SHOW CIRCUIT.

TODAY WE'LL BE SEEING THE OBEDIENCE AND OBSTACLE DOG TRIAL.

WELL, THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST ATHLETIC OF ALL TOP DOG CANINE COMPETITIONS.

THAT'S RIGHT, CHUCK. OWNERS HAVE TO LEAD THEIR DOGS THROUGH A SERIES OF OBSTACLES IN A TEST OF SPEED AND AGILITY.

AND, HOLLY, THE WINNERS OF THIS COMPETITION WILL GO ON TO THE TOP DOG FINALS ONE WEEK FROM TODAY.

THE EXCITEMENT HAS ALREADY BEGUN HERE ON THE RED CARPET, WHERE WE'VE SEEN DOGS OF ALL SHAPES, SIZES, AND COLORS ARRIVING.

HOLLY, I'M BEING TOLD RIGHT NOW THAT TWO-TIME TOP DOG DEFENDING CHAMPIONS ARE PULLING UP.

THAT'S RIGHT, CHUCK! IT'S PRESTON PRICE AND HIS CHAMPION PUREBRED JEAN JACQUES ST. GERMAINE DE DUPREE.

PRESTON. PRESTON.

YOU AND JACQUES HAVE ALREADY LOCKED UP AN INVITATION TO NEXT WEEK'S FINAL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE TODAY?

NARROWING DOWN THE COMPETITION, CHUCK.

ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GO.

WHAT A WELL-GROOMED BOY. [GIGGLES]

YEAH?

OH, RIGHT.

PRESTON AND JACQUES JUST MADE QUITE AN ENTRANCE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF THEY CAN ARRIVE IN STYLE...

SO CAN WE.

HEY!

HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN'?

THAT IS ONE BIG DOG YOU GOT THERE. YEAH.

UM, UH, IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR A DOG SHOW, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, YOU GOTTA LOVE ROYAL HOUND. GOTTA GO.

Emily: BOYCOTT ROYAL HOUND!

DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT ONE, HOLLY?

I'M NOT EVEN SURE THAT WAS A DOG, CHUCK.

BOYCOTT DOG SHOWS!

BOYCOTT ROYAL HOUND!

Girl: HEY, NO DOG SHOWS!

BOYCOTT ROYAL HOUND DOG FOOD!

BOYCOTT DOG SHOWS AND STOP THE EXPLOITATION OF ANIMALS!

BOYCOTT DOG SHOWS!

[RAP SONG PLAYS] * HAS ANYBODY GOT MY BONE?

CHECK IT OUT.

P.A.: OBEDIENCE GROUPS, PLEASE REPORT TO THE EAST HOLDING AREA.

SMALL AND WORKING BREEDS, PLEASE REMAIN IN SET-UP.

[BARKING]

LOOK HOW MANY OWNERS LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THEIR DOGS.

* THERE'S A DOG COMIN' DOWN THE STREET *

* GOTTA STOP WHEN I PASS A TREE *

* IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME, THE CALL ME THE BAD DOG *

THAT BETTER NOT HAPPEN TO ME.

P.A.: ATTENTION ALL COMPETITORS.

COMPETITORS...

HEY.

P.A.: SMALL AND MEDIUM DOG CLASSIFICATIONS...

HEY, JACQUES-JACQUES, JUICE-JUICE.

[DOG YIPPING]

P.A.: TURN THEM INTO THE JUDGES PANEL.

ALL FORMS MUST BE SUBMITTED BEFORE...

[WHIMPERS]

YEAH, WE'RE HERE TO SIGN IN.

WE DON'T USUALLY GET NEW ENTRIES THIS LATE IN THE SEASON. IT'S HIGHLY UNUSUAL.

WELL, UH... BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

I'D HATE TO INTRUDE, BUT SECTION ONE OF THE ROYAL HOUND TOP DOG RULEBOOK CLEARLY STATES THAT ALL DOGS COMPETING IN ANY SANCTIONED COMPETITION MUST MEET AT MINIMUM GENERAL PRESENTATION REQUIREMENT THAT ARE UP TO TOP DOG STANDARDS.

CLEAN FUR, CLIPPED NAILS.

HE'S RIGHT.

YOU'LL NEED TO GET A JUDGE TO SIGN OFF ON THIS BEFORE YOU AND YOUR...

ANIMAL CAN COMPETE.

YOU HAVE STALL 14.

[WOOF WOOF]

GOOD LUCK. YOU'LL NEED IT.

OHH... [BARKING]

Calvin: BE AFRAID.

BE VERY AFRAID.

* THERE'S A DOG COMIN' DOWN THE STREET *

* GOTTA STOP WHEN I PASS A TREE *

* IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME, THEY CALL ME THE BAD DOG *

* YEAH, I'M A BAD DOG

* OUTSIDE BARKIN' AT THE MOON *

* DOG CATCHER GONNA GET ME SOON *

FIGG, LOOK AT THIS PLACE, MAN.

IT'S LIKE WE WARPED INTO SOME FREAKY ALTERNATE DOG UNIVERSE, YOU KNOW?

CALVIN, THESE DOGS HAVE ENTIRE TEAMS OF PROFESSIONAL GROOMERS.

SO? WHAT DO WE HAVE?

ONE COMB.

THE EVENT BEGINS IN ONE HOUR.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA HAVE TYCHO READY IN TIME.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE BEEN OVER THIS, FIGG?

MAN, YOU HAVE REALLY GOT TO LEARN TO EXPECT THE IMPOSSIBLE.

RONDEL?

YEAH, WHAT'S UP, MAN? IT'S CALVIN.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S PSYCHED, Y'ALL.

IT'S GAME TIME!

RONDEL, BABY, WHAT KIND OF CLIENT DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

STALL 14? THANK YOU.

MAN, I OWE YOU.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, KID.

YOU KNOW ME. I LIVE TO COMPETE.

LET'S GO. MOM, THE TEAM IS ALL YOURS.

HMM. NOW, THIS IS WHAT I CALL A CHALLENGE.

ALL RIGHT, FRONT COURT, YOU'RE ON NAIL CLIPPING DUTY, SO MOVE.

GUARDS, I WANT TO SEE THEM TEETH WHITE AND SHINY. COME ON, NOW.

COME ON, Y'ALL. Y'ALL GOTTA BE FEELIN' ME RIGHT NOW.

LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN, Y'ALL. COME ON.

YO, MAN, PASS ME THOSE CLIPPERS.

[HAIR DRYER BLOWING]

HEY, HEY, HEY. LOOK ME IN MY EYES.

YOU ARE TOO FAST.

YOU ARE FAST LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN.

YOU CANNOT BE STOPPED.

IT'S NOT IN THE BODY, IT'S IN THE MIND.

YOU ARE THE MAC DADDY DOG! YOU FEELIN' ME?!

Chuck: IN LANE ONE, WE HAVE TWO-TIME TOP DOG DEFENDING CHAMPIONS PRESTON PRICE AND JACQUES.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Holly: AND IN LANE 2, WE HAVE CALVIN WHEELER AND HIS DOG TYCHO.

YEAH!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Holly: LOOK AT THAT.

[BARKING]

Chuck: I DON'T BELIEVE IT, HOLLY.

THIS IS CALVIN AND TYCHO'S FIRST COMPETITION, BUT CLEARLY THEY HAVE UNLEASHED A TEAM OF STYLISTS THAT KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

BORDEN HAIR SALON. FIFTH AND MAIN.

HONEY. HONEY?

YOU NEED TO COME SEE ME. OK?

Holly: THIS IS AN EVENT THAT FAVORS SMALLER, MORE AGILE ANIMALS, CHUCK.

UNLESS TYCHO IS A LOT MORE FLEET OF FOOT THAN HE LOOKS, THIS WON'T EVEN BE CLOSE.

JACQUES AND I ARE GONNA TEACH YOU AND YOUR MUTT A LESSON.

WELL, UH...

I'LL JUST SEE YOU AT THE FINISH LINE, PRESTON.

Official: DOGS READY.

[RUFF RUFF RUFF]

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

HANDLERS READY.

ON MY MARK...

GET SET...

GO.

JACQUES, LET'S GO, JACQUES.

OK. OK, WEAVE, JACQUES. WEAVE, JACQUES.

LET'S GO. WEAVE, JACQUES. GOOD BOY.

WEAVE. WEAVE, JACQUES. WEAVE.

OK, COME ON, TYCHO.

WE CAN BEAT THEM.

LET'S GO.

Chuck: BY GOLLY, HOLLY, DID YOU SEE THAT?

TYCHO IS CRASHING THROUGH THE OBSTACLES LIKE THEY AREN'T EVEN THERE.

Calvin: OK, THAT'S COOL. WE CAN STILL DO IT.

GO THROUGH. COME ON. GO THROUGH.

Crowd: OHH!

[WOOF]

WE CAN DO IT. COME ON.

GO, GO. GO, GO, GO. OHH!

OHH! OHH! OHH!

Holly: THEY'RE TUNNELING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

THAT LITTLE DOG IS STILL IN THE LEAD.

HE IS SO CUTE.

OHH! WHOA! OH!

[RUFF]

AAH, AAH, AAH. THAT'S MY SHOULDER!

[WOOF WOOF]

Holly: SPLISH SPLASH, HE'S TAKIN' A BATH.

Chuck: THAT DOG IS DOING SWIMMINGLY.

THINK THAT'S THE DOGGIE PADDLE, CHUCK.

TYCHO! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

UNH! AAH!

TYCHO! NOOOO!

[CROWD GASPING]

OHH! HE'S GONNA HAVE TO SHAKE THAT ONE OFF.

JACQUES!

GO, TYCHO--OW!

[CROWD GROANS] OHH!

OH, JACQUES, ARE YOU OK, JACQUES?

COME HERE, JACQUES.

Calvin: COME ON!

WHERE'S MY DOG?!

OH, JACQUES, ARE YOU OK, JACQUES? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

ARE YOU OK?

OHH! OK--

Chuck: THAT DOG IS FLYING OFF THE BRIDGE.

TYCHO TAKES THE LEAD.

[WHIMPERS]

OH!

COME ON, MAN! COME ON, BABY!

TYCHO, WAIT! TYCHO, NO! NO!

GO, JACQUES.

JACQUES, GO, JACQUES.

[GROWLING]

[BARKING]

[CROWD GROANS]

[GROWLING, BARKING]

COME. HEY, JACQUES.

[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

THIS IS AN AWARD-WINNING DOG.

GET OFF OF MY DOG!

THEY'RE DIGGIN' UP SOME TROUBLE NOW, CHUCK.

Chuck: IT'S PAN-DOG-MONIUM.

THIS IS DOGGONE EXCITING.

Chuck: A CANINE CATASTROPHE.

JUDGES, WE HAVE A VIOLATION. CODE RED!

THERE'S A RACE GOIN' ON!

TYCHO, WAIT!

WAIT FOR ME, TYCHO!

WAIT! I'M COMIN'!

[BARKING]

TYCHO, COME ON, NOW, GO INTO THE TUNNEL.

JACQUES!

ALL RIGHT, TYCHO, WE GONNA WIN!

JACQUES--JACQUES--

NO, GET OUTTA THERE! DON'T SPIN!

JACQUES! JACQUES, COME OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANT!

HEEL! HEEL!

DO SOMETHING WITH THAT MANGY MUTT!

[ALL SHOUTING]

I THINK HE'S MAKING HIS WAY TO THE FINISH LINE.

DRAGGIN' THAT THING LIKE A DRAGON, ISN'T HE?

OHH! OHH! OHH!

OH HO HO!

Holly: THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

Preston: JUDGES, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

JACQUES AND I ARE FILING AN OFFICIAL PROTEST!

[RUFF RUFF] JACQUES!

Chuck: HOLLY, IT LOOKS LIKE PRESTON PRICE HAS LOST CONTROL OF HIS ANIMAL.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A CHAMPION THIS FLUSTERED, CHUCK.

Preston: BAD DOG!

HE'S GOT TO GET TO THE FINISH LINE.

HE'S ALMOST THERE!

OH, YEAH!

[WOOF WOOF]

COME ON, TYCHO. COME ON!

DON'T STOP MOVIN', TYCHO, KEEP MOVIN'!

PLEASE MOVE. JUST PLEASE MOVE. I'M TRYING TO WIN THE RACE.

Chuck: PRESTON PRICE HAS JUST BEEN HIT WITH A PENALTY FOR CARRYING HIS DOG.

Holly: OH, THAT IS GOING TO COST THE CHAMP.

COME ON! COME ON!

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

WHOA!

WHOO-HOO!

* VICTORY IS OURS, VICTORY IS OURS *

Holly: OK, CHUCK, IT'S GOING TO TAKE THE JUDGES SOME TIME TO TALLY UP ALL THOSE PENALTIES HERE.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO GET A RULING FROM THE HEAD JUDGE.

THE DOG IN LANE 2, TYCHO, COMPLETED THE COURSE IN ONE MINUTE, 37 SECONDS.

AFTER CALCULATING THE TIME PENALTIES ASSESSED FOR MISSING EVERY SINGLE OBSTACLE, THE FINAL TIME IS 2 MINUTES AND 6 SECONDS.

UNBELIEVABLE!

CALVIN WHEELER AND HIS DOG TYCHO HAVE JUST SET A NEW COURSE RECORD.

Holly: WITH SOME VERY UNORTHODOX STRATEGY, I MIGHT ADD.

JUST LISTEN. THE CROWD IS BEGGING FOR MORE.

[WOOF WOOF]

IT'S NOT FAIR. HE CHEATED.

HE CAN'T JUST SMASH THROUGH OBSTACLES LIKE THAT. COME ON.

THE WINNER IS CALVIN WHEELER AND TYCHO.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] OHH! OHH!

YEAH! HA HA!

Chuck: THAT FIRST-PLACE FINISH IS GOING TO SECURE THIS UNKNOWN DOG AN INVITATION TO THE TOP DOG FINALS NEXT WEEKEND.

Holly: CALVIN WHEELER AND HIS DOG TYCHO HAVE JUST SHOCKED THE DOG SHOW WORLD.

I'M CHUCK.

AND I'M HOLLY.

Both: BOW-WOW FOR NOW.

TELL US HOW YOU FEEL!

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?

OK, OK. PLEASE, ONE AT A TIME.

YOU.

CHARLES NETWORTH, PERFECT POOCHIE MONTHLY.

SOME MEMBERS OF THE CANINE PRESS CORPS HAVE ALREADY CALLED YOUR DOG TYCHO THE TERRIBLE.

[WOOF]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NICKNAME?

WELL, UH--HA HA-- IF THE SHOE FITS...

GET IT, THE SHOE?

[ALL LAUGHING]

MANDY CALL, FANCY CANINE.

CALVIN, YOU AND TYCHO HAVE NOW QUALIFIED TO ENTER THE TOP DOG FINALS.

TWO-TIME DEFENDING CHAMP PRESTON PRICE SAYS THAT HE WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT.

ANY RESPONSE?

[TYCHO BARKING]

UM...

EXPECT THE IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT'S GREAT.

[REPORTERS TALKING]

[TYCHO BARKING]

HELP ME OUT, FIGG.

THANKS.

NO PROBLEM.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

OK.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOU AND CALVIN?

I MEAN, YOU FOLLOW HIM AROUND LIKE YOU'RE A SERVANT.

WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE, KIDS MADE FUN OF ME, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I HAVE ASTHMA.

AND CALVIN DIDN'T?

NO, HE DID.

HE WAS THE WORST ACTUALLY.

BUT WHY--

DO YOU REMEMBER IN SECOND GRADE, WHEN I HAD THAT REALLY BAD ASTHMA ATTACK DURING RECESS?

OH, YEAH!

THEY CALLED THE AMBULANCE AND EVERYTHING.

YEAH. I FORGOT MY INHALER THAT DAY.

I JUST COULDN'T BREATHE.

EVERYBODY WAS STANDING AROUND STARING AT ME.

THE KIDS AND THE TEACHERS.

BUT NOT CALVIN.

HE REMEMBERED THAT MR. AGATHAPALS, THE JANITOR, ALSO HAD ASTHMA.

CALVIN RAN INSIDE, GOT HIS INHALER AND BROUGHT IT TO ME.

CAME AND SAW ME EVERY DAY WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.

READ ME COMIC BOOKS.

LET ME GUESS. GOTHAM MAN.

GOTHAM MAN.

DARK DRAGON CHRONICLES.

SO THERE REALLY IS A HEART OF GOLD IN THERE.

YEAH. IT'S JUST DEEP.

DEEP DOWN SOMETIMES.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HEY! I'M HERE FOR THE FOLLOW-UP INTERVIEW.

AHH. WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

PLEASE...

HAVE A SEAT.

WHERE'S TYCHO?

THIS IS ABOUT HIM, REMEMBER?

[WHIMPERING]

GOOD JOB!

HERE WE ARE.

AHH. LUNCH IS SERVED.

THANK YOU, TYCHO.

[WOOF WOOF]

THANK YOU, CALVIN.

YEAH, THANK YOU, TYCHO.

Calvin: I MEAN, YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T HONESTLY THINK THAT AVENGING ANGIE IS A BETTER COMIC THAN GOTHAM MAN?

COME ON. BETTER ARTWORK, BETTER STORYLINES, MORE COMPLEX CHARACTERS.

LISTEN, LADY, OK?

GOTHAM MAN IS AN ICON.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE JUST LUCKY THAT I'M HERE TO EVALUATE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS AS A DOG OWNER AND NOT YOUR TASTE IN COMICS.

[BEEPING]

OR YOUR VIDEOGAME SKILLS.

THAT WAS LUCK.

YOU KNOW IT.

SEE YOU LATER.

UM, EMILY, UM...

THE SPRING DANCE IS NEXT WEEK.

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU WANTED TO GO.

I MEAN...

WITH ME.

YOU HAVE VERY IMPRESSIVE QUALIFICATIONS, CALVIN.

I DO HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU, HOWEVER.

OH, YEAH, SURE, ANYTHING.

[IMITATING JULIE] DO YOU LOOK SPECTACULAR IN ALL SPRING COLORS?

THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION AND, UH...

YOU KNOW I DO.

PICK ME UP AT 8:00 THEN.

BUT STILL, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A FANTASTIC WEEKEND.

THE TOP DOG FINAL, PRESENTED BY ROYAL...

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW---

NO, NO, NO, NO. STOP.

COMES UP TOMORROW AT 3 P.M.

TWO-TIME DEFENDING CHAMPION PRESTON PRICE SAYS HIS DOG JACQUES...

OF COURSE IT WOULD BE HIM.

WILL TAKE ON THE NEWCOMER CALVIN WHEELER AND HIS DOG TYCHO, OR AS SOME ARE CALLING HIM...

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

THANK YOU, JIM. IN LOCAL NEWS...

EMILY.

EMILY, WAIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO WITH TYCHO AFTER YOU WERE DONE USING HIM TO MAKE YOUR MONEY?

TAKE HIM BACK TO THE SHELTER?

LOOK, NO, NO, NO. THAT WAS JUST THE WAY IT STARTED.

OH, BUT WAIT. YOU'VE CHANGED.

YES.

NOW YOU HAVE A HEART OF GOLD AND YOU REALLY LOVE TYCHO.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT.

THEN PROVE IT.

DON'T ENTER HIM IN THAT SHOW.

DROP OUT NOW.

GOOD-BYE, CALVIN.

Figg: CALVIN!

HEY, EMILY.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

TYCHO HAS A HOME.

HE HAS A FAMILY THAT MISSES HIM.

LOOK. THEY'RE EVEN OFFERING A REWARD TO GET HIM BACK.

HOW MANY FLYERS DID YOU SEE?

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. THEY'RE ALL OVER THE TOWN.

[SIGHS]

TAKE THEM ALL DOWN.

WHAT?

I'M--I'M NOT LOSING TYCHO.

NOT NOW.

CALVIN, THIS IS HIS HOME.

HIS REAL HOME WHERE HE BELONGS.

SAYS WHO?

CALVIN, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

IF YOU LOST TYCHO, YOU'D WANT HIM BACK, RIGHT?

JUST DO IT, FIGG!

NOW.

NO.

WHAT?

[SCOFFS]

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?

"HE'S SELFISH.

HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF."

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY ABOUT YOU, CALVIN.

BUT I NEVER THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE RIGHT.

TILL NOW.

I WANT TO KEEP TYCHO MORE THAN ANYTHING.

[WHIMPERING]

I KNOW YOU'LL DO THE RIGHT THING, SON.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

UM...YEAH, I HAVE YOUR DOG.

GREAT. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

LOOK, HONEY! IT'S CHESTER!

[WOOF]

CHESTER.

Woman: OH, LOOK.

CHESTER! COME HERE, HONEY.

COME GIVE MAMA A KISS.

[WOOF]

HA HA HA HA. HA HA.

GO ON, TYCHO.

I MEAN...

CHESTER.

[WHIMPERS]

THANK YOU.

FOR BRINGING HIM HOME TO US.

BILLY, GO GET THE REWARD.

NO, NO, NO.

KEEP THE MONEY. I--

I DON'T WANT IT.

JUST PROMISE ME YOU'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM.

YEAH, SURE. NO PROBLEM.

[WOOF]

[WHIMPERING]

[WOOF]

STAY.

YOU HEAR ME?

[WOOF WOOF]

STAY.

[WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF]

[WOOF]

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

[WOOF WOOF]


HEY.

HEY, WHERE'S TYCHO?

UM...

I TOOK HIM HOME.

BUT THE TOP DOG FINALS IS TODAY.

I KNOW.

EMILY!

HEY!

GET OUT OF HERE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.

CALVIN GAVE TYCHO BACK TO HIS REAL FAMILY AND DIDN'T ACCEPT A REWARD.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YEAH. YOU CAN SAY A LOT OF BAD THINGS ABOUT CALVIN.

THEY'RE PROBABLY TRUE, BUT YOU CAN'T SAY HE DOESN'T LOVE THAT DOG.

THIS PHOTO OF TYCHO, I TOOK IT.

NO, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT WAS TAKEN BY HIS REAL FAMILY.

UNH-UNH. LOOK.

I TOOK THIS PHOTO WHEN THEY FIRST BROUGHT TYCHO INTO THE SHELTER.

BUT--BUT THAT MEANS THAT THIS FLYER COULDN'T HAVE BEEN PUT UP BY TYCHO'S FAMILY.

SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT.

CALVIN!

WHAT'S UP, FIGG?

LOOK AT THIS.

IT WAS PRESTON!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE MADE UP THOSE FLYERS AND POSTED THEM HIMSELF.

HE DID IT ALL.

HE KNEW HOW MUCH I CARED ABOUT TYCHO, HOW MUCH I WANTED TO DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR HIM AND GET HIM BACK TO HIS REAL FAMILY.

EXCEPT THEY'RE NOT HIS REAL FAMILY.

THEY'RE PHONIES!

SO WHO ARE THEY?

THEY HAD TO BE SOMEBODY PRESTON COULD CONTROL.

Preston: NOT THERE, YOU DUFUS.

Calvin: I KNEW THAT GUY LOOKED FAMILIAR!

SO WHAT NOW?

NOW WE GET HIM BACK!

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

THAT'S TYCHO.

[ARGUING]

[WOOF WOOF]

OH, MY GOODNESS.

Woman: I DON'T CARE WHAT WE'RE GETTIN' PAID!

I WANT THAT BEAST GONE AND I MEAN NOW.

WE SHOULD GET HELP.

Man: FINE!

DUDE, THERE'S NO TIME FOR HELP.

OK, FIGG, YOU GO KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

KEEP 'EM TALKING, OK?

WE'LL SNEAK IN THROUGH THE BACK.

I'M GONNA GO WITH HIM.

NO, CALVIN, WAIT A SECOND.

I--I'M NOT YOU. I MEAN...

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GOOD AT LYING.

FIGG, DON'T THINK OF IT AS LYING, OK? REMEMBER--

SHH!

OK. DO YOU REMEMBER ISSUE 426 OF THE DARK DRAGON CHRONICLES WHEN GOTHAM MAN HAD TO PROVIDE A DISTRACTION?

OH, SO THE JUSTICE LEGION COULD SNEAK THROUGH THE DARK...

All: DRAGON'S LAIR.

I GOT IT. GOT IT.

LET'S DO IT. LET'S DO IT.

Woman: TAKE THE DOG AND--SHH!

GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.

I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SUBSCRIBE TO THESE--THESE LEADING MAGAZINES AT A GENEROUS DISCOUNT.

Woman: WHAT IS GOIN' ON, BILLY?

SOME KID SELLIN' MAGAZINES.

KID, WE DON'T WANT NO MAGAZINES.

[GASPING]

[GAGGING]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, BOY?

ARE YOU OK, HON?

WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

UGH! [GASPING]

I THINK HE HAS THE ASTHMA, YOU KNOW, LIKE MY COUSIN GAYLE?

[WOOF]

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

IF HE DIES ON OUR PORCH, HE CAN PROBABLY SUE US OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

SHUT UP, BILLY!

[GASPING]

[GASPING]

YOU FEELING BETTER, HON?

MUCH. THANK YOU.

OH, TYCHO!

AAH!

HEY, FIGG, WHEN DO THE TOP DOG FINALS START?

8 MINUTES AND 22 SECONDS AGO.

WHY?

YOU'RE NOT THINKING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU AND TYCHO HAVE TO COMPETE.

AND YOU HAVE TO WIN!

OTHERWISE PRESTON WILL.

IT'S UP TO HIM.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, BOY?

UP FOR GETTING EXPLOITED ONE MORE TIME?

[WOOF WOOF]

[WOOF WOOF]

DAD, GUN IT! WE HAVE A DOG SHOW TO WIN!

BUCKLE UP, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME BACK TO THE TOP DOG FINALS, SPONSORED BY ROYAL HOUND DOG FOODS.

THIS YEAR'S THEME, AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DOGS.

CONTESTANTS HAVE JUST 90 SECONDS TO IMPRESS THE JUDGES WITH ANY PERFORMANCE ROUTINE.

JESSICA ROSE AND HER DOG CHICHI ARE JUST FINISHING UP NEXT TO THE DISPLAY OF THE ARFUL TOWER.

THAT'S GOING TO BRING UP THIS SHOW'S TWO-TIME DEFENDING CHAMPIONS.

THAT'S RIGHT, CHUCK, IT'S PRESTON PRICE AND JACQUES!

[APPLAUSE]

[ARF ARF]

[ARF ARF]

OK. GO.


Audience: OOH!

WHERE IS CALVIN AND TYCHO?

WE ARE UP NEXT.

CALVIN, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

YOU AND TYCHO DON'T EVEN HAVE A ROUTINE.

I THINK WE MIGHT.

RIGHT, TYCHO?

[RRRF]

[APPLAUSE]

[ARF ARF ARF]

Holly: AND WHAT A CATCH!

WHAT ARE THOSE, CHUCK?

FLYING DISKS, HOLLY.

WOW!

Chuck: FANTASTIC!

Holly: OOH LALA, JACQUES!

[BUZZER]

Chuck: WOW!

A FLAWLESS ROUTINE BY THE CHAMPION!

HERE COMES SCORES.

Chuck: A 98! UNBELIEVABLE!

OOH, THAT IS GOING TO BE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT.

IT'S GONNA GET ROUGH IN THERE, CHUCK.

NEXT UP IS CALVIN WHEELER AND TYCHO.

DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

THIS IS THE FINAL CALL FOR CALVIN WHEELER AND TYCHO.

GO, TYCHO!

GO! [WOOF WOOF]

IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE A DISQUALIFICATION.

LET'S GO, BABY! WOW!

DON'T ROLL OVER YET. LOOK!

Audience: OHH!

[WOOF WOOF]

THERE, BABY!

OH, COOL!

WHOA!

Audience: OHH!

[WOOF WOOF]

SURPRISED?

YOU AND YOUR NO-GOOD MUTT STILL HAVE TO BEAT A 98.

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU MAY BEGIN, MR. WHEELER.

ALL RIGHT. FULL SPEED, TYCHO.

FULL SPEED.

Chuck: OK, HOLLY. CALVIN AND TYCHO HAVE ONE MINUTE AND 30 SECONDS TO IMPRESS THE JUDGES IN THIS FREESTYLE EXHIBITION.

Holly: LET'S SEE WHAT THEY HAVE IN THEIR BAG OF TRICKS.

Holly: HE IS HEADED FOR THE FABLED WINDMILLS OF OUR DOG QUIXOTE DISPLAY.

THE AUDIENCE IS JUST LAPPING THIS UP!

Chuck: HOLLY, THEY'RE RACING RIGHT FOR THE ARFUL TOWER.

AND THEY'RE THROUGH!

Holly: BOTH CALVIN AND TYCHO ARE HEADED FOR THE ANCIENT DRUID RUINS OF BONEHENGE!

OH, WOW! NOW THEY'RE ON THE WAY TO MOUNT RUFFMORE'S HALF PIPE!

AND THEY ARE MOVING!


GO, CALVIN!


DID YOU SEE THAT? CALVIN JUST SKATED RIGHT OVER THE WATERS OF THE SOUTH PAW-CIFIC!

Chuck: NOW THEY'RE HEADED FOR THE BRIDGE TOO FUR.

[CROWD CHEERING]

CALVIN AND TYCHO ARE GOING TO HAVE TIME FOR JUST ONE MORE TRICK, HOLLY.

THAT'S RIGHT, CHUCK, AND THEY ARE PICKING UP SOME SERIOUS SPEED.

[ARF ARF ARF]

Chuck: OHH!

OHH!

OHH!

AAH!

[BUZZER]

AND CALVIN STICKS THE LANDING!

WELL, HOW I'D DO?

Man: IT'S OBVIOUS PRESTON SABOTAGED THE EVENT.

HE'S DISQUALIFIED.

Boy: PRESTON PRICE CHEATED.

Woman: THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO.

LET'S WRAP IT UP.

WE AWARD THE ROUTINE...

A 99!

THAT'S IT! FAME!

CALVIN WHEELER AND HIS DOG TYCHO THE TERRIBLE HAVE JUST WON ROYAL HOUND'S TOP DOG FINAL!

ALL RIGHT, CALVIN!

GO, BABY! HOLD IT THERE, CALVIN!

TYCHO, CALVIN, THIS WAY!

Figg: GUYS, GUYS, PLEASE!

PLEASE, ONE AT A TIME!

HOW PREPARED WERE YOU? YOU.

EMILY WATSON, BEDFORD ANIMAL SHELTER MONTHLY NEWSLETTER.

YES?

CALVIN, I WAS WONDERING, DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE PRIZE MONEY?

I SURE DO.

[WOOF WOOF]

[APPLAUSE]

AND JUST WHO WAS STEWART BICKFORD?

THE CREATOR OF GOTHAM MAN.

THESE RENOVATIONS WERE ONLY MADE POSSIBLE BY A GENEROUS DONATION FROM CALVIN WHEELER AND HIS DOG, A FORMER RESIDENT OF THIS SHELTER, TYCHO THE TERRIBLE!

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

YOU DID IT, CALVIN.

[ARF ARF ARF]

Girl: CUTE. YOU'RE A CHATTY DOG.

YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO CHATTY FOR OUR HOUSE.

[ARF GRRR]

Calvin: YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF WE'RE EVER GOING TO GET RUFUS A HOME, WE'VE GOT TO WORK ON HIS SOCIAL SKILLS.

RUFUS?

YOU KNOW WHAT MR. DUDLEY SAYS ABOUT NAMING THE ANIMALS.

WHAT CAN I SAY? HE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE RUFUS TO ME.

GUYS, HE'S JUST SCARED, THAT'S ALL.

[ARF ARF ARF]

HEY, BUDDY.

HEY, LITTLE GUY.

HIYA.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.

FIGG, HE ACTUALLY LIKES YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'D SAY 5.2, MAYBE 5.3 POUNDS.

DEFINITELY UNDER THE WEIGHT LIMIT FOR MY APARTMENT COMPLEX.

LOOKS LIKE AND TYCHO HAVE SOME STIFF COMPETITION FOR NEXT YEAR'S DOG SHOW.

HA! PLEASE.

AFTER THE PERFORMANCE TYCHO AND I GAVE, I DON'T THINK THERE IS A DOG ON THIS EARTH...

COME ON, BUDDY.

OK, THAT CAN--

OH, YES.

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD BOY. YES, YOU ARE.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDIN' ME.

[WHIMPERING]

YOU KNOW WHAT, FIGG?

FIGG, WAIT.

HOW ABOUT WE TEAM UP?

YOU, ME, OUR DOGS, YOU KNOW?

WE CAN DO THIS KIND OF TAG TEAM TANDEM THING.

YEAH. I MEAN, WE CAN'T LOSE.

AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU GONNA NEED A MANAGER.

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE TO HELP YOU COUNT THAT MONEY.

MM-HMM. HE'S GONNA BE OUR LITTLE STAR.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY ABC CABLE NETWORKS GROUP CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

* DOG, DOG, DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* DOG, DOG, DOG

* COME HERE, COME HERE

* HE DON'T SIT IN NO WINDOW *

* BECAUSE HE AIN'T FOR SALE *

* AND I'M KINDA SURE HE LIKES ME *

* BY THE WAY HE WAGS HIS TAIL *

* I KNOW HE'D TRY TO SAVE ME *

* IF I FELL DOWN THE WELL

* 'CAUSE HE'S A FRIEND I CAN DEPEND ON *

* LORDY, WHAT'S THAT SMELL? *

* IT'S A...

* DOG, DOG, DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* DOG, DOG, DOG

* LOOKIN' OUT FOR CALVIN *

* DOG, DOG, DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* DOG, DOG, DOG

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

* HE CAN'T HELP THAT HE'S HAIRY *

* IF HE WASN'T, HE WOULD FREEZE *

* AND HE CAN'T HELP THAT

* HE'S A WALKING HOTEL FOR SOME FLEAS *

* NOW, HE AIN'T MUCH ON MANNERS *

* ALTHOUGH HE AIMS TO PLEASE *

* HIS CALLING CARD IS IN THE YARD *

* REMEMBER, WIPE YOUR FEET

* 'CAUSE THERE'S A...

* DOG, DOG, DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* LOOK AT THAT DOG

* DOG, DOG, DOG