Life Is Sweet (1990) Script

All right, Susie, you ready?

Move a little bit that way, darling.

That's it. OK, on four.

One, two, three, four.

Stretch.

Yes!

Round.

♪ You make me feel so happy

♪ You make me feel so good

♪ You make me feel like dancing One, two, three, stretch.

One two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

Round.

Two, three.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Very good. You're doing well.

And again, one, two, three, stretch.

One, two, three, four.

♪ Happy, happy Get your legs up.

♪ Happy holidays That's it.

Stretch right up. Like you stretch for sweets on the top shelf.

♪ Happy, happy, happy holidays Cha-cha-cha.

Very good.

Come on. One, two.

Whoo!

Come on, enjoy it, girls!

♪ Why don't you take me Right, hand on your hip like that.

Yeah, that's it.

Now the other one.

Now wave with both hands.

Right.

That's it.

Very good. Come on, Laura, you can be leader now.

Right out here.

Keep to the edges, that's right.

Let's have a bit of a bum swing from you.

Above your head, come on, hands up.

♪ You make me feel brand new And swing those bums.

That's it.

You're doing that thing with your mum's windows.

Right, and then you see your best friend, so you're shouting out, "Hi, it's me, I'm here."

Say hi. Hi!

Say, it's me. It's me.

I'm here. I'm here!

Give me a five pound note. Give me a five pound note.

I wanna go and spend it on sweets.

I thought that'd get you smiling.

I thought you'd like that. Come on, who's gonna be the leader now, then?

All right, come on then.

Time to go home.

Not too much of a rush, I don't want you tripping over.

Right, get your coats and shoes outside as usual.

All right, do you wanna put your little cardigan on, Susie?

Put it on, cos you might get a little chill.

Get your coats now. If you can't reach your bags, I'll get them down.

That's it, put your cardi on. I hope your headache's better soon.

All right, bye, darling, bye. My bag's next door.

Your bag's next door? All right, don't worry.

Whose is the green coat?

Innit hot? Gorgeous.

Tell you what, Andy, you're lucky I'm not in the hospital.

What?

That door swung back, nearly took me head off again.

It's the hinge, innit. Yeah. It's that catch. It's gone.

I'll have a look at it later.

It's lethal.

Oh, I wish you'd do something with this porch.

I will do.

It's embarrassing.

Just gotta get the rest of the timber, that's all.

You've been saying that for two years.

Take these boards to here, hang trellis on the outside, slap a coat of white paint on it, get some nice creepers, it'll look lovely.

I don't want trellis, Andy, it'll look like a Chinese restaurant.

Hello. Shut that door, it's freezing.

You've finished, have you? No, I'm still in the bath.

Wouldn't surprise me. Made a mess, have you?

No! No?

Hello.

All right? Where you been?

Town. Hello, Nat.

What you been doing? Shopping.

Want a little sandwich, Andy? Yeah, what you got?

Cheese toastie? Yeah, lovely.

Still got me glasses on. I thought I was going blind.

Here you are. Ta-da, chocolate!

You're a chocoholic, you are. I could give it up tomorrow, no trouble.

Coffee? No, thanks.

Please.

Do you want a little sandwich, Nat?

Yeah. Do you want pickle?

Course I want pickle.

Gonna get out there this afternoon, finish off that patio.

Don't give me a heart attack, Andy, please! I will! Make a start.

What d'you get, Nat?

A shirt. This it?

Yeah. Can I have a look?

If you want to.

It's nice.

Yeah, it's all right, innit? Yeah.

Why d'you always get a man's?

Cos I like 'em.

Suits me, thanks a lot, Nat.

Funny man.

It's not for me?

No, it's not for you.

Oh, shame, thought me luck had changed.

You should get a nice blouse, short sleeves.

Show yourself off a bit.

Shut up. Well.

Don't listen to her.

Nat? What?

Did you get me those fags? No.

Why not?

You wanna smoke, you can get your own fags.

Well, could you lend me some money?

How much?

A tenner. What's it for?

All right, a fiver. What d'you want it for?

Mind your own business!

Suit yourself.

You'll be charging interest next! Yeah, it's a good idea.

Capitalist!

When'd you get that?

This morning. It's all right, innit?

No, looks like a tea towel.

Yeah, I was quite pleased with it meself.

Hey, Andy, guess what? What?

I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit wotsit, you know, and I thought to meself, "Oh, blimey, don't tell me I'm in the family way."

Jesus Christ!

What's "the family way" supposed to mean?

You know what it means.

No, I know what pregnant means.

You don't half talk some rubbish. Well, silly little saying.

Oh, shut up. You shut up.

I was lying there, Andy, thought to meself, "Aw, I'd love another little baby."

You're too old to have a baby, ain't you? Course not!

You may not be, I am. You wouldn't see me for dust, I tell you.

Oh, don't, Andy, don't be rotten.

Typical! Typical man!

Shut up, what d'you know about men?

Enough.

Anyway, I thought to meself, "Never mind, I'll just have to wait till I'm a grandma."

You're gonna have a long wait. Yeah.

Eh? Who'd want them?

Oh, that's nice.

Stick a couple of brown paper bags over their 'eads.

We'd be able to flog 'em off cheap, sight unseen.

I'm not gonna waste my life.

No? What you doing now then?

Contributing a great deal, sitting around on your arse all day.

Well, I'm thinking about it.

Thinking about it, that's easy, anyone can do that, it's doing it that's difficult.

Bollocks! Nicola!

Shame though, innit?

They were such lovely little dolly wotsits, sitting there in their matching outfits.

My little Natalie and my little Nicola and now look at 'em.

Oh, get the sick bucket!

And when you have a bath, Nicola, don't leave the towels on the bathroom floor stinking wet.

Here we go!

How many times have I got to tell you? It's just two simple little movements.

Down and up and pop it on the towel rail.

Don't be patronising.

And I won't tell you again about using my cotton wool balls.

Oh, don't be so selfish.

What d'you want two baths a day for anyway?

What, are you taking their side now?

I'm not taking anyone's side, I'm just asking you a simple question.

Yeah, well, don't!

Here you are, And.

Cheers.

Here you are, Nat. Ta.

Don't light that cigarette, Nicola, we're eating.

Don't eat.

It's lunch time. That's what you do at lunch time, eat.

What's lunch time anyway? It's only a convention.

Nicola, if you want to smoke while we're eating, go up to your room.

Anyway, if you smoked less and you ate more, you wouldn't look like a skeleton.

It's better than looking like a beached whale.

Oh, thank you!

Anyway, your dad likes some meat to grab hold of, of a night.

What, blubber? No, me little love handles.

We got a set each, ain't we, Andy?

You're disgusting.

Oh, shut up!

Those sandwiches stink.

Nicola, I told you, if you don't like it, you know what you can do.

Yeah, well, I'm going. Go!

Well, go on then. In a minute!

Can't go, can you?

What's keeping you, Nicola, eh?

She's bored.

See, you wanna be with us, so why don't you just act normal?

Andy? What?

How about having a little go at the patio today, please?

Not today, Wen.

Why not? It's gonna rain, innit?

Don't look like rain to me.

I don't want to get all me sand and cement out and have it piss down on me, do I?

Well, have a go at the bathroom then, finish off me tiling?

Yeah, could do.

Really? Hang on, hang on.

What? Ain't got no grout.

Oh, typical.

I can get you grout.

There you are. Eh?

From work. Today?

No, not today, it's Sunday. Tomorrow.

Waterproof grout?

Of course it's gonna be waterproof grout, it's for a bathroom!

There's grout and waterproof grout.

Allow me to know.

Just make sure you get waterproof grout.

Don't panic, I'll get you waterproof grout.

Great. I'll do it next weekend.

Can I have that in writing please!

I have to say, Wen, this lamb is delicious.

Oh, is it? Good, and the tiles are in the cupboard under the stairs, right?

Nice and pink. Beautiful, innit?

Yeah, it's nice.

Are you eating yours, missus?

What's it to you?

She cooked it, that's what it is to her.

Shut up, goody-two-shoes.

What's it like in the first class dining compartment then?

Listen, if I choose to eat in my own space, that's my prerogative, right?

Do you want a glass of low calorie H2O?

Just leave her alone.

Oh, there she goes.

I see her in a horse.

Eh?

Chinese.

Oh, yeah. Want some more?

Yeah.

Do you want some?

Yeah, go on then.

Cut me a nice big juicy slice. I like mine nice and juicy.

Mother!


No, you can't rush him.

Yeah, he's happy going at that speed, ain't he?

Yeah, dead slow and stop.


It's the door. Well, answer it.

It's that taxi bloke. Open the door, Nicola.

No, I don't know him.

Course you know him.

Go on, I've got wet hands.

So!

Tell you what, Nicola, you're an awkward cow.

Don't be sexist.

Hello, Patsy. Hello, Wendy.

All right?

Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, like, but I was wondering if Andy was in.

Yeah.

Only I was hoping to catch him down in the boozer, like, but I got a bit held up.

Oh, yeah?

Had to go down and see me old mum.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, he's down the bottom of the garden.

Oh. D'you wanna see him?

Yeah, all right.

Come in then.

Thanks very much.

Terrific.

Hello, girls.

Hello, boys.

Hang on a minute.

Patsy's here.

What? It's Patsy.

Ah, there he is, I'll just slip out and see him if that's all right.

Yeah, that's all right, Patsy, go on.

Just watch yourself on that little step.

What? That's the one, yeah.

Andrew! Hello, Patsy, how are you?

Christ, he's in a right state! He's had about ten pints.

Good job he's been banned from driving.

Nice hairstyle.

I'll bet his wife did those little streaks.

She must've got one of them 3.99 kits from the chemist.

What you let him in for, eh? What was I supposed to do?

Fascist!

Tell you what, though, I wouldn't trust him.

I wouldn't trust anyone wearing a suit like that.

They cost about 300 quid them suits, you know.

What's he do anyway? He don't do anything, he's unemployed.

I can lay me hands on anything in here, you name it.

Bit of old rope, Christmas tree, guitar.

Ah, the old one-armed guitar player, eh?

Yeah. Kinda picked it up, put a new neck on it, new set of strings.

Basically, it's a good box.

♪ Mothers, don't let your children grow up to be cowboys ♪

Listen, Andy, you want to get yourself out of the house for a while?

Hello, my friend.

I love 'em, she can't stand 'em. Won't let 'em through the door.

Got two of them, car boot sale.

Twins.

Yeah, you got 20 minutes, have you?

What for?

I got something for you.

Listen, Patsy, whatever it is, I swear to God I can't afford it, I'm broke.

Andrew, I am inviting you to accompany me to a certain place, where I'm going to show you something.

Where, what is it?

I'm not prepared to reveal that at this stage.

Why not?

It's a surprise.

What is this?

Come on, do us a favour. Give us a clue.

No, schtum is the word. If you don't go, you'll never know.

Be there or be square.

Nah!

Suit yourself.

I'll see you in a minute.

How long you gonna be? Be right back.

Where you going? I don't know.

Where you taking him, Patsy?

Don't worry, Wendy, a little magical mystery tour.

Hey, Andy, you've still got your hat on.

Catch.

Sure you two haven't got a woman?

With my luck?

With a beautiful girl like you?

Heard it all before.

See you later. See you later.

Dad!

What? Get us 20 Silk Cut.

Get your own. Selfish pig!

Oh, it's nice and hot.

A bit bright.

That's it.

That's right.

Come on, get in.

What, can't get it in the hole?

Shut up.


Relax, Andy, relax.


Oh, hi, Natalie.

It's Nicola.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Brought a pineapple.

What for?

Your mum, you know?

Oh.

D'you want to come in?

Yeah, thanks very much.

Shut the door.

Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

Nobody in?

No.

Want to sit down?

Yeah. Yeah, thanks very much.


So, Andrew, what do you think?

I think it's a load of old crap, that's what I think.

What's the matter with it?

Look at the state of it.

A coat of paint.

You're looking at the future, mate.

This could be the catalyst that sparks the revolution.

This is what you've always wanted. I want this like I want a hole in the head.

This is your chance to break out of the rat race.

Ooh!

Should get a cat.

Eh? Get another cat like Tigger.

What, a little kitten? Yeah.

No.

I don't want a moggy scratching all me furniture.

Why, do you want a cat? No.

I don't know why I said it, really.

Could get a big Rottweiler, then it might eat Nicola.

It's a good idea.

That's one way of getting rid of her.

Should get a crocodile.

My hair's falling out.

Yeah, well, stop pulling it then.

It still falls out.

It's really nice hair.

You taking the piss?

No … I mean it.

I'm sincere.

Bollocks.

You're a really attractive girl, you know.

No, I'm not.

I'm too fat.

Fat?

What is fat?

It's all in the mind.

Do you want to put it down?

Yeah.

I think it's on the turn.

Didn't wanna waste it.

Had a few ideas, but … you know.

Why didn't you eat it?

Great knees.

Look at this, rust everywhere.

There you go, lightning striking a cup of tea.

It's falling apart. A strong wind, roof'll come off.

Here you are, have a look inside.

I'm not going in there, mate, I value my health too much.

No, feel free.

No way!

Phew, ripe, innit?

No, it's just a bit musty. Needs a bit of air through it.

I'm betting something died in here.

Are you sure this is on the level, Patsy?

Course it is, belongs to my brother.

Ha-ha, look, the old griddle.

Ah, there she is, beautiful.

Ain't seen those in a while.

She's still in good nick. You must be joking, it's fucked, innit?

It's got everything you need in 'ere.

I'm making a tea, Nicola, do you want one?

Oh, hello, Aubrey.

Hello, Wendy. What you doing here?

I brought you a pineapple.

Oh, did you?

Oh. Oh, ain't it a big one?

Andy's not 'ere. He just popped out.

Yeah?

How long you been here?

15, 20 minutes.

Oh, you haven't, Aubrey? Straight up.

Nicola! What?

Why didn't you tell me Aubrey was here?

You knew I was out the back. No, I never!

You did. Are you calling me a liar?

Yes, I am. I thought you'd gone for a walk.

Don't be so stupid! I've never been for a walk in me life, have I?

Sorry about this, Aubrey.

No sweat.

Come and have a seat in the garden. Take your coat off, get the sun.

She's a nice girl.

Yeah, nice with her head in a bucket.

Look at that, brilliant!

Tell you what, I'll let you have these comestibles for nothing.

I promise you, Andy, you get down White Hart Lane on Saturday, for the home games, a man of your skills, couple of hundred beef burgers, you'll make a fortune.

Excuse me, guvnor, I'll have four hamburgers, three egg burgers, a sausage roll with onions, a bacon, egg and cheese roll, a tea, a Bovril and a large vodka.

Sold to the man with the beard.

I have to admit, Patsy, I am tempted.

♪ No

♪ No regrets

♪ No

♪ No regret rien ♪ Oh, yeah, that's what I remember, yeah. She sang it in French.

Yeah, she was in France.

She was thin. She was thin, she was French.

Dead now, ain't she? Yeah, she was a prostitute.

So? Shut up!

The Sparrow.

Yeah, the Little Sparrow, that's right, yeah.

So, you all set then, Aubrey, got all your little menus printed up?

Yeah. Yeah, good.

No, I haven't actually.

Oh, blimey, when do you open?

Tuesday. That only gives you a couple of days.

How's everyone meant to know what they want to eat?

They might not want to eat. Oh, here we go!

Don't be stupid, it's a restaurant. So?

It's all right if they don't wanna eat. See?

They can bask in the atmosphere.

You won't make much profit that way, Aubrey.

No sweat.

It's daft. No, it ain't.

Parisian.

Why, don't they eat in Paris, then?

Good one.

Seven.

Two fifty.

I'll come down to six. 300.

Five fifty.

I'll give you 300 now and 50 when I've checked out the gear.

500.

400. Four fifty.

Four twenty-five. All right, done.

Right. Yes, indeed.

Cheers.

Hang on, hang on, drop the wheel.

Drop the wheel. And … up!

Hey, how about that?

Sweet as a nut. Genius.

Just get parked up, be right back.

Off you go.

Andy?

Ta-da! What d'you think?

Oh, Andy, you haven't?! She loves it, Patsy.

Look at it, mobile goldmine, I can feel it in me water.

Oh, Andy, you're joking me.

I'm not, I promise, God's truth, no word of a lie.

Have you bought it? Yeah, good innit?

No. Great!

What d'you reckon? Not much.

Andy, it's a heap of rubbish!

What d'you mean? Well, look at it!

Got character, innit? Oh, Andy!

I love it!

It's disgusting. Eh?

It's ecologically unsound.

You're ecologically unsound. Bollocks!

What d'you reckon, Nat? It's embarrassing.

Eh? Nah, you and me, soon get it licked into shape.

You must be joking.

It's all rusty.

No, no, Wendy, that is just superficial, know what I mean?

Bit of treatment, nice coat of paint, come up lovely.

This is you, isn't it?

Eh?

Oh, Patsy!

Excuse me, mate, if you don't mind.

What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, cool.

Innit great, Aub?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's … The possibilities are … You know … Yeah, it's all there, the works, all you need.

Where you keeping it, Andy, cos you're not keeping it here?

I'll get a lock-up or something. Andy?

I'll be right with you, mate.

Just give me one sec.

Andy?

What's going on, Patsy? Nothing.

How much is he paying you for it then?

Well, that is not for me to say, Wendy.

You're behaving like a big kid. Don't be cheeky.

All right, Patsy? Andy, where you going?

Ten minutes. Where you going?

I'll be right back. Andy.

What's he doing? He's getting conned.

As usual.

Ohh!

Aubrey … you all right?

Oh, blimey!

I thought you copped in then.

Yeah, it went up on me there.

Yeah, there's no wotsit.

I wondered what was happening. Listen, have a cup of tea.

Hey, jackpot! There you go, mate.

Thanks very much, Andy.

All right, mate, see you through the week.

Need a lift? No, gotta go see me old mum.

Oh, all right. Know what I mean?

Right, cheers, all the best.

To be honest, it's worth far more in scrap value alone than what I paid for it.

So what did you pay for it then? What?

Well … what I done, I haven't actually, depends what you mean by … See, he's not cracking on, Aubrey. No, no, I know what I'm doing.

Could've fooled me.

I hope you didn't pay more than ten quid for it.

I paid more than ten quid for it, but it's an investment, innit?

Tory!

What d'you think, Aubrey?

Yeah, mate. Er, it's … Now be honest.

Yeah, gilt edged, you know.

See? Aubrey knows the game. Can't go wrong.

Ronald McDonald had to start somewhere.

Oh, blimey, it's old Big Mac sitting here.

Urgh!

When we gonna see your restaurant, Aub?

Whenever you like. Have a nose.

Yeah, before you open, if you want any advice.

He wants it to be a success, Dad.

Shut up. Yeah.

I'd like you to see my restaurant. Don't get me wrong, I'm confident.

Yeah. I'm mega-confident.

Oh, are you?

I just haven't had any outside input.

Haven't you? We could go now.

Yeah, all right.

He might want to stay here.

What's he want to stay here for?

Cos.

He can do what he likes.

We can go now.

Yeah, cool.

Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, great!

Just give us a minute to powder me nose then.

Hey!

Andy, what are you doing?

What? We've seen it all before.

He's fallen in the water!

Pratt!

Boring git. Shut up.

You're gonna break a leg one of these days, Andy.

You all right, Andy? Yeah, just mucking about.

Ooh, Aubrey!

Oh, blimey!

I thought we were gonna take off then.

I'll have to let you out, Wendy. I've got no handle.

Yeah, I know. I'll have to come round.

Hey, Andy, I thought we were gonna fly then.

Did you? Had a joy ride, did you?

Oh, can't get out! Fantastic, innit, look?

Très exclusive.

Innit nice, Andy? Yeah, great.

Yeah, I like the lamps. Yeah.

That's where you gotta put your menus, is it?

Yeah. I can't find the key though.

You need a key, Aub.

What?

What is it?

Oh, it's a little pet cat, look.

It's a dead moggy!

Oh, bless him. It's fantastic, innit?

I was gonna put this up here.

Oh, you can't.

Not in a restaurant, put people off their food.

It'll smell.

See, what I'm going for here is … the street, the wall … and I got these accordions from a car boot sale, and I'm gonna stick 'em up here, and they are going to represent the music of Paree.

Do they work, Aubrey? No, they're knackered.

I got three of them for £17.50, you know?

They saw you coming, mate.

The bird cages, I'm gonna hang them up all over the ceiling.

Yeah, you got a load of them, ain't you?

They're gonna … symbolise The Sparrow.

I like the bike.

Oh, yeah! Innit novel?

It's brilliant, isn't it? Yeah, the old onion seller.

That's in the wrong place.

Blimey.

Is this the original French article, Aubrey? Yeah, yeah.

Oui, oui.

No, it was me dad's actually. It was in the shed.

Oh, ain't that nice, Andy?

He would've been proud of you, Aubrey.

I don't think he would've cared less, Wendy, you know?

He was a nasty old bastard.

Here, look at this.

Oh, you got a fish tank!

That's good, innit?

Oh, yeah!

I thought they were real!

So did I.

The fish look a bit humpty, don't they?

The water's murky, innit?

I'm gonna put a couple of lobsters in there. People can choose 'em and I'll cook 'em.

Nice one.

Yeah, so where you gonna put your prawns then?

Prawn.

Is that all, just one?

King prawn. Oh, sorry.

Anywhere you like, Wendy, you know?

It's all a matter of what picture you wanna paint.

You having all black plates then?

Yeah, great canvas.

What's the sauce you're using there, Aub?

Basically, jam blended with orange juice.

Orange juice.

What's that white stuff, cream?

Fromage frais, innit? Yoghurt.

Is it?

Fromage frais would bubble on you, And.

It needn't.

I achieved this effect by gently easing, teasing and squeezing … Don't be so dirty.

… till you've got a nice symmetrical circle.

And, then we chisel in the pattern with the end of a knife, and Bob's your uncle, it's ready to set. Looks nice though, Andy.

Your grill's in a bit of a state, Aubrey.

Is it?

Oh, yeah, the girl can deal with all that.

When they starting then, your girls?

The dogsbody tomorrow, the waitress on Tuesday.

Oh, right. Great team.

I love your little candles.

Bistro effect, innit?

Yeah, they're great, ain't they?

I've been trying to get them all the same length.

But I keep forgetting to blow 'em out and I have to start all over again.

I've been through twelve boxes this week.

Ah, that'll be you first little booking.

Here we go!

Hello, the Regret Rien.

Oh, hi, Hilary.

How are you? You raring to go? Great.

You what?

Hang on a minute.

Say that again.

Look at the state of this place. Shame, innit?

I don't think he'll be ready, you know?

You wanna see the ladies toilet.

Still, all credit to him. Oh, bless him, yeah.

Puts the old caravan in perspective, don't it?

Oh, Andy, please, don't remind me.

What d'you mean?

Well, I don't want it sitting there, do I, for two years, blocking me view?

No, this has inspired me.

I wanna get back, get down to work, get stuck in.

Pigs might fly.

Fuck you!

What's up, mate? Nothing.

Do you want a cigar, Andy? No, thanks, mate, I don't use 'em.

Wendy, would you like a liqueur? No, ta, I'm fine.

Who was that then? My waitress.

What, the big girl? Yeah.

The Aussie? Yeah. No, Kiwi.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Gotta laugh, ain't you?

What's the matter then?

She's, er … let me down. You know?

How d'you mean?

She's going away … with her boyfriend.

When? Today.

She was phoning from Heathrow. Where's she going?

Flippin' Prague!

Aw!

That's not right. No, that's not on, mate.

No, sorry. It's great, innit?

You give someone a break, a chance to better themselves, an opportunity to enter into a brave new venture, and what do they do?

Piss off to Poland!

Well, that's typical Aussie, innit? Travellers.

Students.

It's Czechoslovakia, innit, Prague?

Yeah. Is it?

Yeah.

It's all right, I can cope. I can do it on me own.

No, you can't. Yes, I can!

I've come this far solo. I can go the whole hog!

I can wait on table, I can do that. I'm not proud.

They can eat in the fucking kitchen!

Aubrey, Aubrey, calm down, calm down.

What you gotta do is get onto an agency, get a waitress over here to cover you till you get yourself sorted out.

Yeah. Cos you need that little support.

That's right.

It's all right, Andy, Wendy, everything's hunky-dory, cool.

I'm in complete control.

If ever I see her again, I'll stick a knife in her guts.

I'll slice her face off.

You know?

Aub, Aub, Aub! Jesus Christ, don't the neighbours complain?

Me eardrums, please!

Sorry, I got over it, sorted.

I am so grateful.

Thank you, really, really, from the deepest part of my heart, thank you.

Aubrey, shut up, right?

No, I'm sincere.

Now, listen, you're in trouble, right, and I'm helping you out, cos that's what friends are for. That's right, isn't it, Andy?

It's amazing!

You haven't even done bar work, Wen.

No, but I'm confident, I can have a go.

Have you ever been a waitress?

No. No.

But I've been waiting on you all these years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

To be honest, Andy, I think Wendy'll be a natural.

She's got such grace and charm.

Thank you, Aubrey. Are we talking about the same girl?

Don't be rotten.

Listen, what've I gotta wear?

Black, waitress uniform.

What, little French maid's outfit? Whoo!

Hey, Andy, look at his face.

Anything you like, Wendy, you know.

Comme ci, comme ça.

Come casual. Skirt and blouse type of thing?

Yeah, great. See if you've got anything in pink, Wen.

Oh, shut up you!

Listen, are you gonna pay me?

Oh, yeah.

How much? £25 a week.

What? You're joking me!

Leave it out.

What time's that flight to Prague? Yeah, we'll be on it.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

That's just the basic, for the paperwork, the taxman, you know?

How d'you mean? You get to keep all your tips, that's 12.5%.

If you don't get £100 a week, I'll make up the difference.

That's not bad. Sounds all right.

That'll go towards the holiday. I don't wanna talk about money anyway.

You can have what you like. £1000 a week.

You're on. You know what I mean.

Is this your passion pit then, Aub?

Oh, yeah, this is where he brings all the girls, Andy.

This is the only room I've had decorated. It's nice, innit?

This is what I call a proper boy's room.

Yeah. Great bed.

Orthopaedic.

£300.

How many does it hold?

Oh, careful!

Oh, dear me.

Aubrey!

You all right, mate? What you doing, coming up for air?

Thought I'd lost that.

You looking for fivers down there?

All I'm saying, Andy, is I think you've made a big mistake, that's all.

Little beauty, ain't she?

I mean, if you got yourself a bank loan, and bought a really decent van, that's one thing, but I mean, buying this, you're throwing good money after bad.

We got any bin bags?

I mean, look at all this, it's rubbish.

What d'you think I want the bin bags for? Of course it's rubbish.

It's all rubbish, I know that.

That's why I wanna get this lot cleared out, then I can see what I've got.

I'm sorry, Andy, I can't get any enthusiasm for it.

I know you can't, it's obvious.

To be honest with you, I'd appreciate it if you could.

Do with a bit of moral support.

You'll have to get a licence, you know? What?

And I'll tell you what, if you park this on someone else's pitch, you're gonna get yourself duffed over.

I can look after meself. Oh, can you?

Ever seen those hotdog fellas, they're all like that.

Don't know what you're talking about.

Lipstick's a bit bright, Nat.

Oh, very amusing.

Where you going?

Drink. Have one for me.

Staying in? Yeah.

Yeah, he's gotta save up now, pay for this heap of wotsit.

So long as he's happy.

That's right, Nat. Thanks a lot, much appreciated.

It's all right.

I'm going in, I'm freezing.

Tell you what, Andy, I hope it don't rain tonight.

You'll need your snorkel in here in the morning.

I think she likes it, don't you?

Yeah, she's over the moon.

See you. See you.

Have a good time.

She thought she was gonna get lucky.

I did.

Another shot then. Another shot.

Oh, very flash.

Two hundred pounds? Oh, Andy!

Well, you're not paying him any more, right?

Look, do you want me to carry on doing my brain in at that bloody place for the rest of my life?

No, of course I don't.

Right, so, we'll give it a go at weekends and if it works out, I'll jack in the day job.

Andy, you can't jack in your day job without you got something definite to go to, right?

On a bank holiday weekend, I could make, what, two, two and a half thousand quid?

Oh, Andy.

You're just a big softy, you are.

Who's to say?

It's a risk, I admit that, but it's a risk worth taking, innit?

I suppose if the worst came to the worst, we could go on our holidays in it.

That's right, reconvert it to an ordinary caravan.

Stick a couple of bunk beds in it … have a little bunk up.

Yes, please.

Hey … Hey, how about … how about, "Orthopaedic, 500 quid, you know?"

Bouncing up and down on his bed.

Orthopaedic, you know? Orthopaedic, you know?

Aw.

You wanna watch out for Aubrey in that kitchen.

He'll come up behind you with a cucumber.

Listen, I don't think it'd be a cucumber he'd be coming up behind me with.

Maybe you fancy him, I dunno.

Are you joking? I'm not that desperate.

Oh, bless him.

I feel sorry for him actually.

He's not a bad bloke, Aubrey.

What you doing? What?

I like it. Do it again.

I never did anything.

Go on then.

Has Nicola come to bed yet? Yeah, I think so.

I tell you what, Andy, she gets me in a right state, that girl.

I heard meself shouting at her this morning and I thought, "This isn't me."

I don't recognise meself, you know? It's horrible.

Good job they're not identical.

Oh, blimey, yeah.

I used to think …

"Oh, it'd be so nice to go to discos together

"and bring their boyfriends home."

Oh, well, there you go.

Buttered muffins.

What?


All right, my friend?

Don't run.

More colour.

Chop chop!

You happy in your work, chef? Over the moon, mate.

Someone's gotta do it. In this place it happens to be you.


Yeah, you are a little chunker.

You got two little chunky cheeks and you've got two little chunky legs and you're lovely, yeah.

And you're gonna grow up to be a boxer. Yeah, a big boxer or a wrestler.

I bet you're just like your dad, eh?

Are you just like your daddy? Do you have anything in navy?

Navy, yeah. Listen, take no notice of me, I get all carried away, cos mine are grown up now. I don't want any pastels.

No, that's right, yeah. Cos you are going to a wedding, yeah. A little bird told me.

So, let's have a look what we got.

Now, there's that little outfit, that's French, but it's a little bit girly, isn't it?

We need something more sophisticated.

More sophisticated, yeah, cos he's not a girly boy, is he?

D'you know what I mean, he's more a boy's boy.

You couldn't mistake him for a girl.

No, he's a boy.

Yeah. What's his name?

Nigel.

Oh, bless him, little Nigey-Nigel.

Let's see what we got for you then, Nigel.

Let's have a little look. That's a bit baby-baby.

Hold on a minute.

That's nice. We sell a lot of them.

I don't think so.

It looks nice on, it really does, little sailor's outfit.


How's that old boyfriend then, Nat?

What old boyfriend's that then, Steve?

Come on!

I'm single and carefree, thanks.

Yeah.

Wish I was.


You never said you was coming today.

I'm sorry. I'll go, shall I?

No.

What's all this? What's it look like?

Fucking dump, like the rest of your house.

Middle class wanker.

This your old man's? Yeah.

Is he going on holiday? No, it's what he wants to be buried in.

What?

Well, come on!

That's all right, I didn't want a coffee anyway.

It's a dump, innit? Yeah.

What you waiting for?

Go on!

So, what you been doing?

Working.

Leave it out. I have!

What sort of work?

Writing.

Writing? Yeah.

Writing what? A novel.

What's so funny? You writing a novel.

What's it about? Dunno, ain't started it yet.

Am I in it? No.

Is it autobiographical? Course it is.

What you doing?

Get off. No.

Hold on a minute.

Jesus, no.

What?

Not again. It's boring.

Well, I'm not doing it then.

Well, don't do it. Oh, come on!

Here you go.

No, thanks, I've just eaten.

Ha-ha, wise guy!

Lie down then,

you pervert.

Don't stop!

I've had enough.

What?

I can't eat no more, I'm full up.

It's not a joke!

I'm gonna puke!

You're weak.

Are you going then?

No.

Well, you're not staying.

Thought I could get in there with you. No, you won't!

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

I don't agree.

Hey!

Don't shout, you sexist pig!

Why is shouting sexist?

Cos that's what men do. You're full of shit!

Why is it you never want me to stay?

What's in this machine, Nicola? My bedding.

Not again!

Why didn't you peg me washing out? I'll do it later!

It could've been dry by now.

So, what you been doing all morning?

Sweet Fanny Adams, as usual.

Anybody ring? Like who?

Like your granddad for instance.

No. No!

Look at Andy on this picture.

I still reckon he looks like Tommy Cooper.

What d'you have for your breakfast?

A big fry up. No, really?

Toast! I don't believe you, Nicola.

Can you lend us a couple of quid?

What for? A packet of fags.

No chance. Mean cow.

You're giving your stomach a rest, you might as well give your lungs a rest an' all.

So, what have you been up to?

Nothing!

Look at the state of you. Chalk white face.

Blimey, you look like a ghost.

You'd frighten the birds, you would.

No wonder you didn't peg me washing out.

Oh, never mind, eh.


I was like you. I started at the bottom. You know?

I was on the sink for six weeks before I got a look in.

It's all about keeping your eyes peeled.

These tongues are a pain in the neck.

Can't get into the crevices.

Is that a pig's tongue?

Lamb's tongue.

Couldn't get a pig's tongue in your mouth.

It'd stick in your throat. Would it?

You look quite attractive in white.

Suits you.

Those are skins, chuck 'em away.

Good.


Hey, you got rhythm, you know.

Here, have some more.

You done really well today.

Have I?

Yeah. I'm really pleased with you.

You're quite a tasty little worker, you know.

That's nice. It's a bit old-fashioned looking, though.

Black skirt, white blouse, traditional. I like it.

Oh, Andy, me legs are like jelly sticks. I'm sorry I said I'd do it now.

Just go for it.

Did you wear that to Joan's wedding? Oh, blimey, yeah.

Oh, poor Joan. Poor Donald.

What about Tracy?

I like this. Yeah, now you're talking.

Yeah, that's the one, innit? Yeah.

I preferred the white.

Oh, blimey.

I'm gonna be late!

Oh, hey, Andy, d'you remember this?

Did you do us any tea, Wen?

There's a chicken casserole in the oven. That's nice.

You hungry?

Here, I went to this old girl's house today, right?

She had her dead dog lying on the sofa.

She never?! Eh?

No, the skin, spread out like a rug.

Oh, charming. Urgh!

She had arthritic hands. Couldn't turn her tap on.

Thought it was bust. Aw.

I went straight to it, gave it a good twist and it was perfectly all right.

What d'you do then?

I changed her washer for her, so she didn't look stupid.

Oh, that's a good girl. Did you charge her a call-out?

I had to, you know what they're like. I didn't want to.

Where's this then? Off the A10 somewhere.

She said she'd give me some toffee, only she couldn't find her ration book.

Did she? Oh, bless her.

Don't suppose you know what a ration book is.

Course I do! Get all sorts in your business, don't you?

And she kept calling me a good lad.

Oh, she never! Yeah.

Well, you should've said to her, "Listen, I'm a miss."

Nah, no point.

More interesting than my job.

Same every day.

We had a bloke slice the end off his finger this morning.

What, right off?

No, there was like a flap.

Urgh! Oh, Andy, don't!

Christ! A lot of blood.

No, it was his own fault.

I've a very good accident record, as it happens.

Yeah, we know.

No, it's true. That's cos I drum it into 'em, health and safety, health and safety.

Still, you always get someone showing off, don't you?

Yeah.

I haven't done me nails! Let's leave her in peace.

She's gotta get ready for a big night.

And shut the door.

Oh, Wendy!

You look fantastic, do you know that, Wendy?

Oh, thanks. Only I didn't wanna let you down, you know?

You haven't.

I've had six different blouses on tonight.

So, as long as you're happy.

You're superb.

Is that what you're wearing?

They lend you out for having soup?

That's what me mum used to say.

A-ha, a-ha, a-ha.

You hungry?

I'll buy you some chips later. You know?

Will you?

I might.

So, you've got tripe souffle. Yeah.

Kidney vol-au-vents.

Vol-au-vents, yeah, we had them on me 21st, they're nice.

That's with a whole kidney. Urgh.

King prawn in jam sauce.

Oh, yeah, just the one.

Chilled brains. They speak for themselves.

Oh, not brains.

Prune quiche, that's one for our vegetarian friends.

Right.

Black pudding and camembert soup. Oh, no, don't!

Boiled bacon consomme.

Consomme, that's the same as soup, innit?

It's basically the bacon water. What your mum gives you when you're ill.

And a saveloy on a bed of lychees. You got a Chinesey one in there.

That's hors d'oeuvres, then onto entrees.

So, this is my main courses type of thing.

What's that one there, pork what, pork list?

Pork cyst.

Cyst?

Yeah. Oh, you're joking me?

No. It's not called cyst?

Me dad had one of them.

Did he? Yeah.

Underneath.

Hey, cough.

Aw, bless him.

What is it?

It's like a dumpling, you know?

Oh, I couldn't.

Then we have duck in chocolate sauce.

Yeah. Tongues in rhubarb hollandaise.

Oh, no!

Liver in lager. Mm.

And clams in ham.

That's with a pan-fried cockle-based sauce.

Yeah.

Or quails on a bed of spinach with treacle.

Or my pièce de résistance, grilled trotters with eggs over easy.

Oh, right. What's over easy?

Stateside.

Sunny side up, you know?

Oh, yeah. I like 'em turned.

Oh, blimey, Aubrey, I'll never remember all this.

You'll be fine. Any problems, refer 'em to me.

Yeah, but you'll be in the kitchen cooking.

I'll be in there, out here, I'll be everywhere.

I'll be your chef patron, you know?

You should've had menus printed up like I told you, right?

Yeah, yeah, no sweat.

I want this restaurant to be built on a one to one, mouth to mouth reputation.

Would you like a glass of wine, Wendy?

No, thanks, me stomach's all of a go with me nerves.

Go on, it might settle you down.

Go on then, just half a glass.

Oh, blimey, I forgot, I got something for you.

Have you? Oh, great.

All right?

I wanna go for a fag.

What?

Now?

We're busy.

Are we?

Go on then.

Be quick.

Just have half of one.

With a bit of luck I'll get me fortune told later.

Feel free.

Got a little card for you.

Thanks very much.

From me and Andy and the girls.

That's fantastic. That's really brilliant, really marvellous, you're a really attractive woman. Really, thanks very much, really.

All the best.

Good luck.

Thank you.

We are now officially open!

Blimey, sorry, sorry!

As far as I'm concerned, football died the day Arsenal won the double.

That's right, yeah.

What was they?

Workhorses. Boring buggers, ain't they?

Whereas the Spurs double team, they was artists.

They was artists.

Twenty-one quid a week they got, can you imagine?

What do they get today? Millions.

Then they got their backhanders on top of that, ain't they?

Poncing round the penalty area with their handbags.

Prima donnas.

Oh, he kicked me, ref.

Brown, Baker … Henry … Blanchflower … Danny boy. Yeah.

He was the architect of the modern game, you know.

That's right, yeah.

Norman, MacKay … Jones … Jones … White … Smith … Alan, Dyson. Yeah! Come on you Spurs!

John White, what a player, eh?

Yeah.

I used to have a little picture of him on my wall, ringed in black.

Tragedy.

What a way to go.

Struck by lightning.

On a golf course.

What a waste, eh?

You want another?

Yeah, all right.

Want something with it?

Yeah, rum and black.

Large one?

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

See, the thing is, people don't like to venture out too early, do they?

No, not on a Tuesday, no.

They like to get home, have a bath, chill out, have their tea, and then go out to eat.

Did you put an advert in the paper?

Mmm, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I didn't, actually.

You should've had some little cards printed then.

I could've given them out in the shop.

I didn't wanna attract the wrong sort of people.

Oh, charming, thanks very much, Aubrey!

Would you like another glass of wine, Wendy?

Oh, yeah, go on, all right.

I'll keep you company.

Great hands.

D'you think you'll ever have kids?

No.

You're pretty sure for one so young.

What and look like a tank for nine months?

Gimme a break.

Is that all you're worried about, what you'll look like?

I'd make a good mother.

Oh, would you?

Yeah.

Why, do you want kids?

Yeah, in the fullness of time.

Do you?

Course.

You've gotta have a boyfriend first.

Yeah, one does generally need a bloke, this is true.

You're not doing very well then, are you?

I haven't seen your men exactly queuing up in droves.

You don't know.

What, they sneak around here in the daytime, do they, when no-one's in?

Anyway, you don't need a bloke to have a kid.

I wouldn't fancy bringing one up on me own.

It's better to be on your own than be with a bastard.

Presumably, you wouldn't choose a bastard in the first place if you had any sense.

All men are bastards.

What?

They're all potential rapists. That's a bit sweeping.

All men have got the ability to rape.

They don't all do it, do they?

If they've got the ability, they've got the desire.

That's paranoid rubbish.

What d'you know about paranoia?

Not half as much as you do, I'll give you that.

You'll find out when you get to America.

I'm only going on a holiday.

So?

What, you think I'm gonna get yanked off the plane at John F Kennedy Airport and be raped and pillaged, do you?

You've gotta be on your guard.

D'you hear what I just said?

What?

Yanked. Get it?

What?

Yanked. America.

Racist!

There's another bloody couple coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're coming this way.

Definitely.

Do you want me to tell Paula again?

Yeah, action stations!

No.

Shit!

Fucking yuppies.

They went straight past.

Oh, did they?

Perhaps they weren't hungry.

Where's Paula?

She's sitting on your work surface.

Is she? Yeah, she's picking.

Right.


Don't sit up there, Paula.

It's unhygienic.

Cross-infection.

These stocks are reducing nicely.

The secret of a great sauce is a well reduced stock.

No stock, no sauce.

Key to the door.

You're working with a genius.

D'you know that?

I'm not just a wanker, you know?

I could teach you things you never even dreamed of.

I'm a magician.

I want a drink.

There's plenty of orange juice in there, help yourself.

I want some wine.

I can't have you getting drunk.

Kitchen's a very dangerous place.

She's got wine.

Me and Wendy, we go back a long way, you know?

I'm an old friend of the family.

Mmm.

Classic nose.

Here.

Here.

Have you seen these?

What you got there?

Let's have a look.

Pocket telly?

Yeah.

Can I have a butchers? Feel free.

Ah, it's good, innit?

Yeah, neat.

There we go.

Hey!

Leave it out, you pranny.

Hey, seen these? Give us it, give us it back!

How much d'you want for that then?

Well, I could let you have it half price.

A hundred nicker.

Nice, innit?

Yeah.

Be tasty on the salad wagon, wouldn't it?

Nah, can't afford it.

What about that hundred?

What hundred?

That hundred you never gave me.

You know, if someone had turned up with that 25 years ago,

and said they were bloody Martian, you'd have had to believe them, wouldn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

So you don't want it? No, I don't want it.

I don't want anything.

Mean bastard.

Come on, you bastards, I'm open!

I'm ready, I'm waiting for you. This is what you've all been waiting for!

Come and get it!

You fishwives, footballers. You English dickheads.

Stick to your fish and chips, go on, go and get cancer!

Thousand pounds. Ten thousand pounds.

Stop shouting. Go on, mate, cook him.

You working-class morons!

Go and eat your own shit, go on, go on!

That is enough!

Oh! No more!

Why? Cos you're being a naughty boy.

Marry me, Wendy.

What?

I wanna marry you.

Now, stop it.

Aubrey, stop it.

Get off.

I love you, you know?

Don't be stupid, right?

I'm already married. I'm married to Andy.

I love Andy, he's my best friend.

Yeah. Well, we're very fond of you. Now, you know that.

I don't care, I don't care if you're married to Andy, you can still marry me. You don't have to tell him.

Now, stop it, right. Now, sit down.

Sit down.

What you doing?

Get off me.

Aubrey, stop it now.

I wanna fuck you, Wendy. Now, stop talking like that.

Just stop it, right, cos Andy won't let me come here again. D'you hear me?

He won't. I worship the ground you walk on.

Now, look, you're bending down, that means you're gonna be sick.

I'll kiss your feet.

There might be a bit of doggy on me shoes, and you're not gonna like that, so get up.

Nicola.

What?

Oh, Nicola?

Nicola's not here, right? She's at home, saving the world.

Now look, you've got vodka all down your suit.

That's your best suit, you bought for tonight, right?

Know what, I don't want it. I don't want it.

What? Sit down.

I want Andy to have it.

Andy doesn't want it.

He is a poor man.

Andy's got a suit.

No, he can wear it in that fucking stupid caravan.

Now, stop that!

Stupid … Behave yourself.

He can have the suit cos he's more scruffy than me.

What you doing? I'm giving him the suit.

Leave your trousers on, Aubrey.

Aubrey, leave your trousers on.

Behave yourself. Leave your trousers on.

I love him and they can fit him.

I'll tell you what … What you doing now? You're gonna fall.

No, I'm not drunk, right. I'm not drunk!

Oh! Stop it!

Now, behave yourself, right, you're being silly.

Aubrey!

Aubrey, will you stop it?

No. You're behaving like an idiot.

Listen to me. No!

You don't do any more, no.

♪ No regret rien ♪ Now stop it, Aubrey!


Blimey!

Shame though, innit?

Come on, Paula, we're going.

Oh, look at me.

That's all right, he'll find them there in the morning.

Oh, what a night!

I'll tell you what, never again.

What a mistake.

It's all right, he's only asleep.

He's not dead. There's no need to be frightened.

I'm not frightened.

Eh?

Nowt to be frightened of.

All right.

Is this your little coat?

Here's your bag.

Now, how you getting 'ome?

Eh?

Bus.

Right. Got your fare?

Where's your little purse, in 'ere?

Where's your cigarettes? In me pocket.

Right, come on then.

What's the matter?

Eh?

We're going for chips.

Who's going for chips? Me and Aubrey.

Aubrey's in a coma, he doesn't want any chips.

He'll be hungry when he wakes up, won't he?

Stands to reason.

All right, I'll buy you chips.

I don't want no chips.

All right, well, I won't buy you chips.

Come on, Paula.

Look, I tell you what, take your 'at off, put your coat on.

We don't wanna frighten people, do we?

Nicola.

Oh, blimey, 'ark at 'im.

Look, I tell you what, I'll run you to the bus stop, OK?

Paula, are you coming with me?

I'm stoppin' 'ere.

You can't stop here.

Please, Paula.

Come on.


Blinking 'eck.


Andy?

Andy?

What?

What you doing?

Mmm?

Tidying up.

You're not having no lager.

Get us a lager, Nat. You must be joking.

You've had enough lager for tonight.

Get upstairs. What you doing?

Somebody at the door.

There's nobody at the door, that's you.

You'll have Eileen banging on the wall again.

Come on, Dad. Where's the lager?

In the fridge.

Get up the stairs.

All right, all right.

Look at the state of you.

You've got your best trousers on, you've got your new shoes.

Blimey! Now what? What you doing?

Shut the caravan door. I shut the caravan door.

Is he gonna be sick?

Don't you be sick on me, Andy. Nicola, shut the caravan door.

No. Come on, let's get you upstairs.

Brown, Baker, Henry, MacKay … How did it go tonight?

Terrible, if you must know. Why?

Tell you later. No, Andy, no, get in that toilet and do a wee.

Cor blimey! Look, use the sink, I don't want me carpet all soaking wet.

And close the door!

You've got two daughters! What's the matter with you?

That's what's the matter with me, I've got two daughters.

Oh, shut up! What did I tell you?

So, come on then, what happened at the restaurant?

How many tips did you score?

Nothing happened at the restaurant, right, and keep it out.

I've had enough for one night!

I'm up to here with the lot of you!


You could be dead this morning, you know, Andy. I'm not kidding.

All that broken glass, you might've severed an artery.

Should've called the police, shouldn't I?

I feel like Princess Margaret.

I could've killed you last night.

I'll drop in on him on my way back from work, tell him he was out of order.

Will you? Yeah.

I suppose I've lost me hundred quid now, haven't I?

I'll get it off him. He's not gonna get away with that.

Outrageous behaviour.

I gotta go, Wen.

See you tonight.

Yeah, I'll be late.

Where you going?

I'm meeting Patsy for a drink.

You're not?!

Got you!

Oh! Get out.


Come on, let's go up.

No.

What?

Not yet.

I know you want it.

Do I? Yeah.

How d'you know?

Synchronicity.

Shut up!

I don't want it.

What d'you mean?

I want you.

Sentimentalist.

No, no, no, I come in, we go straight upstairs, we do it, bingo, you're a pain in the arse. I don't want that.

I want to see you nice.

What's nice? It's only a boring cliché.

No, nice, nice, show me a bit of civility, a bit of respect.

You don't show me no respect. I'm trying to respect you now.

Trying to treat you like a real person instead of some fucking shag bag.

Come on, talk to me.

What about?

Anything.

Anything you think, anything you know.

What d'you care about? Eh?

You got all these fucking books upstairs, Women Who Love Men Too Much, Men Who Hate Women, Women Who Love Women, Women In Love, Women's Room, Female Eunuch.

Have you read any of that crap?

What's it to you? Have you?

Of course. So what have you learned from it?

That I'm a feminist.

What's a feminist?

Oh, come on. No, no, what's it mean?

Stop being antagonistic.

I'm not, I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation with you.

Are you capable of that? Eh?

I don't think you are, are you?

Really.

A bit vacant, ain't you?

A bit of an airhead.

Nothing going on.

A bit dumb.

A bit dizzy.

Dimbo bimbo, dumb blondster, ain't you? Hello, anyone at home, hello?!

You're a fake.

I am intelligent.

Are you coming upstairs?

No.

Well, piss off then.

All right.


Blimey, Nicola, look at the state of you.

You're sitting there like there's a grey cloud over you. It's like the sun's gone in.

You've got no energy cos you don't eat your dinners, and you've got no joy in your soul.

How do you know?

I know because you've given up. Cos you're not happy, that's how I know.

I am happy.

You've lost all your friends.

I don't see them knocking on the door any more.

I don't want friends. They disappoint you.

When you say you wanna change the world, you're supposed to be political, but I don't see you doing anything about it.

I am political. Now, shut the door.

How are you political?

I read the paper, I watch the news. I'm more political than you.

Blimey, Nicola, we can all watch the telly.

You should be out there helping old age pensioners and going on marches or whatever.

Marches are a waste of time. It's boring.

If you put your money where your mouth is, you should be joining one of these socialist wotsit groups or the nuclear disarmament whatever, but you don't.

All you do is sit 'ere in this room staring at the walls and tweaking and twitching.

And you're so perfect.

No, I'm not perfect, but I haven't given up. I'm still out there fighting.

And I tell you what, Nicola, every time I look out that window and I see that rusty old caravan sitting there, do you know what it says to me?

It says to me there's a man who hasn't given up either, who's still out there fighting.

It says to me there's a man who's getting greedy.

Greedy? Your dad?

He's the most unselfish man I've ever met.

D'you know, he's up at six o'clock every morning, slogging his guts out in a job he hates, which is more than you do.

And he still comes home at the end for the week with sod all.

I'm not prepared to be exploited!

Exploited?

You're not prepared to work, full stop.

You've accepted Nat as a plumber and you didn't like that at first.

No, I didn't, I didn't like it, but I can see now I was wrong, because she's happy.

I don't know what I wanna do yet!

Oh, don't you?

Well, you had your chance, Nicola, when you were 17, when you were at college, doing your three A-levels.

You were going great, then suddenly you stopped.

You stopped eating, you stopped everything.

You ended up eight weeks in the hospital. Well, you put me there. I didn't wanna go.

Oh, for God's sake, Nicola, you were at death's door!

You were trying to control my life!

You were dying!

No, I wasn't. Yes, you were.

I'd know if I was dying.

Dr Harris told us you had two weeks to live.

You didn't know that, did you?

Three of us coming home every night crying our eyes out.

You were lucky.

Life's not easy, Nicola.

I could've given up, right?

16, I was doing me A-levels.

What A-levels?

English and Business Studies, if you must know.

Then I got pregnant with twins.

Well, why didn't you have an abortion?

Because I didn't want one. Because I had two little lives growing inside me.

I don't believe in it. That's the easy way out.

Your dad was only 17. He was at catering college, he was working in hotels at night trying to get a bit extra.

We got a little flat together, begged and borrowed, couple of cots,

and when the two of you were born, we were thrilled to bits, because we had two lovely little babies.

We came through laughing.

Don't blame me, I didn't ask to be born.

I'm not blaming you, Nicola! I just want you to be happy, that's all, and you're not!

I wouldn't care what job you did, I wouldn't care how scruffy you looked, as long as were happy.

But you're not. Something inside you's died.

You've given up.

And if one day, I could just walk through that door and you could look at me and you could say, "Mum, help me please, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going."

And I'd say, "Great, because now we can be honest with each other.

"Now we can start talking."

But I'm not in a mess.

Aren't you?

You're giving me a problem when I haven't got one.

Oh, Christ, Nicola!

If you hate me so much, why don't you throw me out?

We don't hate you!

We love you, right, you stupid girl!


Oh!

Oh, ah!

What've you done, you silly sod?

I think I've broke me ankle. Jesus, oh-ho, ah-ha!

Breathe!

I am breathing, for Christ sake!

Lay flat, relax.

I'll be back.

Neil, where you going? Neil? Neil?

A spoon!

A fucking spoon!

For Christ sake!

Who dropped this spoon?

Hello.

Yeah, speaking, yeah.

Oh, hello, how are you?

Oh, blimey, you're joking me. He hasn't?

Oh, how did he do it?

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Brian, I know I shouldn't laugh.

Is he all right though?

Yeah. No, it's all right. No, I can come over.

Yeah, straight away.

All right, thanks for phoning me.

Aw, yeah, and you.

All right then.

Yeah. Ta-la. Bye.

Nicola?

Oh, Christ!

Hello, Nat. Look at the state of him.

Here you are, take the bag.

Take these, Wen. Yeah.

Go on. How you gonna do it?

I dunno.

Oh, blimey. Hang on, hang on.

Take it steady.

Ooh!

Ooh. Don't let that door slam.

Don't worry, I've got it. Right.

D'you want a hand? No, no, I'll do it meself.

OK? Yeah.

Yeah? Right, here we go.

Give us those.

That's it, that's it.

Right? Yeah.

Take it easy, I've got you. Right. It's all right.

Open the gate, Nat.

Hold on. Go on.

Don't rush, Andy, right?

Just take it steady.

Ah!

Andy, what you doing? You're not a greyhound in a race.

Take it, Wen. I'm trying.

Get rid of it.

Oh! All right?

Yeah. He needs a little doofer, don't he?

Hold on, I'll get this table.

That's it, Nat.

Here we are. Right.

That's the job. Careful, careful, careful.

Looks like the royal leg.

Oh, look at his little face. Aw, poor Andy.

Aw, he's been through a lot, you know.

Hey, listen, how you gonna get your trousers off?

Cut 'em.

Tell you what, I'll get me pinking shears, right, and I'll come up the inside leg.

Oh, don't make me laugh, Wen.

How long you gotta have this on for then?

I dunno, six or eight weeks, something like that.

Cushy number.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind six weeks' holiday.

It's a damn nuisance, as a matter of fact.

I was gonna start on the caravan when I got back from work. It's a pisser.

Oh, blimey, what about Aubrey?

Oh, yeah. What about Aubrey?

Oh, let's leave it.

Let him stew in his own juice. I got enough on me plate.

Yeah. Ain't you going in tonight, then?

No. Why?

Because. Where's Nicola?

Upstairs.

Don't she know I had an accident? She told me.

Nicola!

I'll hang these things up, Andy.

Hang on, give us it.

What? Give it here.

I know what you want.

You want your little souvenir, don't you?

That's the bastard, that's the culprit. What?

Trying to kid us he slipped on a spoon, he was still blooming drunk from last night.

Leave her.

I've never known pain like it, Nat.

Ain't you? Searing pain.

Did you hear it snap?

No, I didn't actually.

Maybe I did.

Yeah, I did. Did you?

Yeah, it's like when you break a dry stick across your knee.

Know what I mean?

Oh!

Nicola?

What?

Can I come in?

Look at that, an ordinary spoon.

I never noticed it before.

Here you are, 1975.

This spoon was born when you were seven years old.

Oh, yeah.

Just sits in a draw.

Out of the draw, into the peas, stir the custard, into the wash, out of the wash, on the hooks with all the other spoons.

And all the time, just waiting for the fatal day when it can drastically alter the course of a man's life.

Don't look dangerous, does it?

No, you take my word for it, that is an evil spoon.

Here you are, look, put it in a place of honour.

Keep an eye on it.

Yeah, I don't trust it.

Get us some chocolate.

Tell you what, go and give your face a little wash, make you feel a bit better, eh?

No.

You don't want your dad to know you've been sitting here crying, do you?

He don't wanna see me. He does.

I'll make him feel worse. Don't be so daft.

I'm a burden to you.

Listen, we gotta turn over a new leaf, yeah?

Both of us.

All of us.

Come on, have a little cup of tea. No, I don't want one.

Come on, do it for your dad, he's been asking for you.

Has he?

Yeah.

He's sitting there with his tongue hanging out.

You know what he's like, he wants a bit of tea and sympathy.

I just want to talk to you.

Do you?

D'you wanna hand, Nat? Nah, it's all right.

Here you are, Andy, give us a bit of chocolate, don't hog it all.

It's all right, plenty for everyone. Ta.

Here you are, Nic.

Want a bit? No.

Go on, have a bit.

No, it's all right.

Have a bit, cheer yourself up. All right, don't force her.

Here you are, Nic.

Thanks.

Did you go to the travel agents?

Yeah. I'm going to New York, Chicago and New Orleans.

Ain't you going to Disney? No, I want to go interesting places.

Blimey, fancy going to the States and not going to Disneyland.

Why don't you go, Nic? No, it's too big.

She can go next year. Get yourself sorted, save up, eh?

How's the leg? Not too bad, throbbing a bit.

Only one problem, I gotta go to the toilet in a minute!

Eh, go and get your dad a bucket.

Eh, look at that spoon.

Just take the weight, that's it, that's it.

Blimey, it's heavy, innit? Yeah.

All right? Yeah. Put the pillow behind me.

Here you go. Right.

Oh.

That's it.

Tell you what, Andy, good job you're not a horse.

Why? They'd have shot you.

Here you are, then.

Here you go.

It's good you had that chat with Mum, innit?

Get things cleared up.

Eh?

Did you tell her?

Tell her what? Everything.

What d'you mean? You know what I mean.

No.

I'm not deaf.

I never said you was.

I've got the room next to yours, remember.

I can hear you.

What, playing my music?

You know what I'm talking about.

At nights.

Getting sick and everything.

I'm not sick.

Oh, come on! I'm not.

It's hot, innit?

I can't help it.

I know.

I think we should do something about it.

Who's we?

You and me.

Have you told them about it?

No.

Why not?

Well, I dunno. I suppose I should've.

Dunno why I didn't.

Yeah, I do know why.

Cos I think you should.

I know what I do is disgusting.

I am disgusting.

Yeah, it is disgusting.

Mind you, I do some pretty disgusting things meself.

Do you? Yeah.

What? Oh, I can't tell you.

What is it?

I put my hands down toilets, and on a good day, I might get bitten by a rat.

D'you want any money?

Yeah.

All right.

Cheers.

Nah, it's OK.