Like a Boss (2020) Script

[woman 1, on phone] What? He was just at the bar without any security or anything?

[woman 2] Wait, I haven't gotten to the best part.

Next thing I know, we're in his hotel room, and he's lathering up my titties with that little bar of soap.

It's crazy, because I'm not even attracted to him.

He's got no ass.

You're more of an ass girl.

Exactly.

I like my men to have ass, indeed. Okay?

I don't care if they can read.

[laughs]

But let me state, Barack Obama straight fucked the shit out of me.

What?

But I couldn't even enjoy it.

I was feeling so bad for Michelle the whole time.

I told you not to read her book. It's ruined all my fantasies about him.

I can block out his mom jeans, but not Sasha and Malia.

What was his dick like this time?

It was dignified and confident.

That dick was presidential.

You want to shower first?

Your hair takes longer.

I'm just gonna dry shampoo.

Why? It's not even greasy yet. You're good.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Why is dream sex way better than real sex?

Because they come when you want them to.

Girl, that is so true!

When I'm done, they're done! Hello!

["Worship" by Lizzo plays]

♪ Oh, here it goes ♪

♪ I feel like fire ♪

♪ I feel like rain ♪

♪ I can take you higher ♪

♪ But you gotta earn it ♪

♪ Whoo, I'm lit Don't mess with it ♪

♪ Whoo, stand back Let me do my shit ♪

♪ Whoo, I'm lit Don't mess with it ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Hands to the sky ♪

♪ Show me that you're mine ♪

♪ Hands to the sky ♪

♪ Show me that you're mine ♪

♪ And baby, worship me ♪

♪ Worship me ♪

♪ Patiently, quietly ♪

♪ Faithfully, worship me ♪

[music ends]

[bell jingles]

Hey.

Hey.

How was your night, Syd?

Yeah, how was that muffuletta?

Oh, well, I ended up eating the whole thing.

And then I realized I didn't take the paper out between the cheese slices.

So I'm a little backed up.

That's okay. Good fiber.

Mm-hmm.

You're probably gonna shit a novel.

Oh, God, I sure hope so.

[Mia chuckles]

Wow, Syd. Let me step in for a minute. Can I tap you out?

Guess what? We have the best makeup artist in the house.

One of the owners.

[chuckles]

Hey, B.

Hey, girl, how you doing?

Did you finish up that last batch of plum lipsticks?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

When did Mia mix that? It's gorgeous.

I know, right? She's a genius.

It's infuriating.

These aren't done yet.

She didn't finish the mascaras?

I don't like snitching on your non-sexual life partner.

Yes, you do, Barret.

She ate some weed candy and said she'd finish tomorrow.

Okay. I'll clean it up in a bit.

So, where you headed to tonight?

Uh, homecoming.

Homecoming! Okay, what color is your dress?

[girl] White and gold.

[Mia] White and gold...

All right, so now let's finish those eyebrows off.

They're great brows, too. Never ever pluck them too much, okay?

'Cause thick is where it's at!

So gorgeous.

Thank you.

[Mel] Homecoming, I hear?

[girl] Yes.

Can I see?

First, I want you to say, "I'm a badass bitch. Look at me and bow down."

But don't tell your mom.

I'm a senior. Give me a fucking break.

Oh, sorry.

Okay.

I'm a badass bitch. Look at me and bow down.

Yes! Take a look.

Oh, my God.

That's me!

And remember, no sex tonight, okay?

Homecoming sex is the worst.

Because your date gets to dancing, they get all sweaty, and that sweat gets trapped under their cummerbund, then that moves down to Funkytown, and that's how you get a yeast infection.

And you don't want a yeast infection.

Plus, you know, you're only super tight for a limited time, so you don't want to waste it.

Amen!

Thanks so much for everything.

All right.

Bye, baby.

You look gorgeous!

Have fun tonight. Be safe!

If you not safe, name it after me.

What-- You didn't charge her the full amount.

We gave her the cute nerd discount.

We've talked about this.

Guys, we're barely keeping our heads above water.

We're doing fine. The One Night Stand kit is selling like crazy.

Yeah. I can't make them fast enough.

I know. Maybe that's the problem.

But if you can't get it, that's what makes it cool.

Yeah. People love being denied.

Quality is what we do, right?

I mean, we don't want to mess up our street cred. Right?

Right. Right.

All right, well, we're going to Kim's baby shower.

See you guys tomorrow.

Actually, no. We'll be back. We'll see you this afternoon.

Okay! See you tomorrow!

[chuckles]

["Love Em Leave Em" by Amindi plays]

♪ Don't get too attached ♪

♪ I love 'em, leave 'em ♪

♪ And I never call 'em back ♪

♪ I'm bout my paper, run it up I chase my bag ♪

Kim's house get even bigger?

She probably had one of those Japanese toilets installed that blow-dry your coochie.

Wow.

It must be nice having money.

[woman] Hi!

[all] Hey!

Hey!

[woman] You guys are so sweet to always do our makeup.

We want you to look good, and you do.

You look real good, pregnant girl!

Oh, thank you.

I actually feel amazing.

Just wait. [chuckles]

Little Ryder. He's such a little cuddle bug, and so chubby!

I know. His little fat folds catch all the food I eat.

Same, girl. Same over here.

Hi.

Hi. Perfect timing!

Where should I put it?

Over here is great. Come on in.

What did you guys do?

This is a little something... to show your future.

[all screaming]

[Mia] What the--?

[screams]

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Is this vagina eating this poor baby doll's head?

Is this chocolate sprinkles your pubes?

Oh, my God. This is so beautiful.

You talking about this frosted replica of your vagina?

That's exactly what it looks like.

Ew.

I got completely waxed, though.

I want a clean work space for the doctor.

That is so considerate! I made them find it.

I can't believe you don't want one of these.

You talking about a pussy cake?

No, a baby!

You know our business is our baby.

Hell, yeah.

I know, but I just get worried that you guys are gonna wait too long and miss out.

We got time.

Yeah, Janet Jackson had a baby at 50.

Exactly. And you can have a successful career and a baby.

I'm doing both. [chuckles]

I'm losing my fucking mind!

[all chuckle]

I had a dream last night that Ryder was crawling around on the floor.

There were a bunch of mousetraps, and they kept taking pieces of him away from me until there was nothing left.

Oh, you got to do it!

[all laughing]

So how is the business going?

I mean, we don't have shit tons of money, but we're doing pretty great.

Oh, really? Seriously?

Okay.

So... you're okay?

Online sales are very strong.

And the store? Is business picking up there?

Well, homecoming season just started, so we're getting those clients.

You guys should come and check it out!

[woman] For sure.

[Mia] Oh, cute!

[Kim] Thank you, Aunt Margot.

[women cooing]

Okay, what's next, what's next?

This one is from Mel and Mia.

Oh, my God.

"Baby's First Makeup Kit."

So cute.

A little baby lipstick.

Yeah, babies can use it. Makes 'em look smaller.

I'm gonna steal that baby's makeup.

I know.

Oh, my goodness, this is so clever.

Where'd you get this?

[Mel] We made it.

We have our own makeup company.

Good for you.

My youngest daughter sold her alkaline water company for four million dollars.

Wha?

Mm-hmm.

Have you had a valuation of your company yet?

No, not yet, Aunt Margot.

Oh, well, don't worry. It comes at a cost.

She's always been so driven.

You know, she just had her first baby last year.

Well, congratulations, Grandma Margot.

[chuckles lightly]

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

[Mel] What a rude-ass woman!

What does she do? She just gives her rich old husband hand jobs? I mean...

[chuckles] I love when you get mad like this.

I wish you would do this in people's faces. Why you don't do that?

'Cause I got you for that.

This is true. I got your back.

She didn't know what she was talking about.

Mm-hmm.

"My daughter with the uranium..."

You mean alkaline.

Wasn't it uranium?

No, she said alkaline. Alkaline water.

Trying to get people's pH balance right.

I can't believe her.

Mm-hmm.

Let's keep it one hundred. Her daughter a ho.

[chuckles]

Let's just keep it one hundred. You know who she look like?

She look like a messed-up Betty White.

You know who she really looked like? George Washington.

Yes! Like she straight off the Quaker Oats box.

[both giggling, coughing]

I just look at her, and I want to start boiling water.

[coughing]

[giggles]

I got to open the window.

It is kinda smoky.

Man, I feel like eating some oatmeal right now!

You feel me? Put some butter and brown sugar in it.

[baby gurgles]

Yeah, I got the munchies.

Is that your stomach?

It's Ryder.

[gurgling, blowing bubbles]

What?

Somebody's here. Hi!

Mm. Let me put this out.

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

Wow.

Girl.

He was so quiet.

I know.

[Mel] We didn't even see him in there at all.

Girl, put that shit out.

Oh, sorry.

Ow!

[Mia] Damn, girl.

[Mel] Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

That baby look like he smoking.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. Hold up.

[chuckles] No.

[Mia] Let me get this. Look at that.

Look at it.

That's terrible. We're terrible people.

We're not terrible people. That baby sleeping good.

He probably gonna be a philosopher when he grow up.

[women chuckling]

You shouldn't be sick of them. Just watch Ryder. He sleeps--

Oh, shoot. Here they come. We got to hide.

You need to see a baby sleep to--

[Mia] Out the window, let's go.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Ah!

Ah!

Shoot.

Okay.

I love our friends, but I can't handle the judgment today.

I think... I can do it. I can jump in the pool. Let's go.

We can make it.

Hell, no!

Come on. Let's do it. Let's do it.

What is that... smell? Is that weed? Kim!

Ahh.

[mocking] Oh, no, somebody's been smoking weed in here.

[inhales deeply]

Who smokes weed in front of a baby?

Kim!

What's going on?

[Ryder's mother] Is somebody out here?

What in the literal fuck?

Hi.

Kim! Such a beautiful shower.

What did you guys do?

[Mia] Nothing!

I'm so sorry, but I don't think he was inhaling.

What?

[Mel] It was just a tiny little bit.

He didn't-- My baby was dead for, like, a minute?

No. Your baby is fine. Not high, nothing.

You guys, why didn't you invite me to smoke with you?

[Kim] You know what? We are not in college anymore, okay?

None of y'all bitches is better than us, okay? All y'all got issues.

You know what else we got? We have homes.

Because we have actual accountants.

And not just using TurboTax. The trial disk of TurboTax!

You should get at least the full version.

Mel, you are a mess.

You stay off of Mel.

Y'all need to understand, okay, this is my friend, and she is a good person.

If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't even have a storefront, 'cause she got the good credit.

So don't you talk shit about my friend!

Are you fucking kidding me? You clowns need to get your shit together!

Ooh. Well... [imitates circus music] bitch!

[Mel] What are you doing?

Girl, I'm not messing up this good hair.

Here you go, Auntie Margot!

We're out of here. Come on, girl!

[both] Whoa!

[women scream]

[gasping]

That's not her real hair?

No, it's a cultural thing.

[Mia grunting]

[groans]

[Mia] ♪ Flip it, smack it Smack it, ooh, yeah ♪ Mia!

♪ You better Flip that flapjack Flip it ♪

♪ Flip it ♪

♪ Smack it, smack it Flip it, smack it ♪ Okay, just... too loud.

Oh, my God, it's so loud. Just 10% less.

It's the other half of Peanut M&Ms.

What?

'Cause you're M and M and your friendship is so awesome, it's nuts!

No, Harry. That's very sweet, but, no.

Sorry if my booty call kept you up last night.

No, I slept fine.

Oh, good.

I had to work off that extra vagina cake.

Mm-hmm.

Right on top of Harry.

P.S. Harry's not really hairy. He's smooth like a CPR dummy.

Not really my type, but--

You know, he can hear you, babe. He's right there.

Oh, no. Don't worry about my feelings.

Mia and I are completely honest with each other.

This is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. No contract.

I'm so happy for both of you.

She just a little bit bitter because she didn't grow up with open communication.

No, but I had your mom. And she was the best.

She was the coolest, Mia's mom.

What was she like?

Super-duper dope.

[Mel] Actually, she left us this house when she passed away.

[Mia] Love you, Ma!

[Mel] Love you, too, Ma.

What does your mom do, Mel?

Meth, mostly.

Yeah, she's a "cook."

She's been clean since 2000-never.

Her sense of humor's a little dark, but I love it.

Can I get a pancake, bro?

[Mia] Okay, Mel.

Damn, looks like I ain't the only one that got broke off with some dick last night.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

Actually, uh, you have to go because I'm going to church.

Oh, okay. Uh, can I call you?

No. But thank you.

Bye.

Oh. [chuckles]

The door's just there.

Okay.

Damn, you got some dumb dick last night.

Please.

You guys are so cool.

I love the idea of being your age someday and still living with my dudes.

Huh? Ouch.

I don't listen to nothing he says, girl.

I just watch that velvety mouth move and think about it all in my nooks and crannies.

[Mel] Our friends have homes, families, lives.

Is it weird that we're still roommates?

Who cares if we still live together? We are two badass queens, like those bitches who raised Wonder Woman. We a tribe.

Yeah. Right. We are?

Yes!

We shouldn't feel guilty about putting our careers first.

We're just acting like men.

We've worked our asses off, we've opened our own store. We're winning.

[Syd] See, black girl, white girl, to show we do both.

Got it all together.

[bell jingles]

Ah, there they are!

Hey, ladies.

The geniuses are back! [nervous laugh]

You're acting weird.

Oh, well, we were just showing Josh the new changes to the website on Wix.

Since he's... part of the industry.

Sorry, we're not hiring.

Are we all here now? Let's do a roll call.

Mia? Mel?

Great.

And Sydney. Featuring Barret.

And who the hell are you?

I'm here on behalf of Claire Luna.

Oviedo Beauty Claire Luna?

Oviedo Enterprises International Claire Luna.

Of course.

Claire's been monitoring your online sales for the last several months.

And this... is clever.

Yes. One Night Stand, our single-use makeup kit you can just throw in your bag.

It's our best seller.

Claire likes this.

And so she'd like to sit down with you at her earliest convenience to discuss investing in your company.

What? Are you serious?

[gasps]

Obviously, Claire has excellent taste.

But we started this business so that we didn't have to answer to anyone.

Thank you for stopping by.

And you are the cleanest man I've ever seen. [chuckles]

You should hit that, B.

Please.

She's too much.

Give me a second, I'll be right back. Don't leave.

[deep inhale]

You really do smell fresh and clean.

You know, like a thermometer before it goes in your butt.

You don't even want to meet her?

No. We said we'd never sell out.

I know every time I talk about financials, your eyes glaze over...

Nope, I have chronic glazy eye. That's from the weed. We know this.

Right, well, I haven't figured out a way to tell you this:

We've never really recovered since we opened the store.

Stop it. You're being overly dramatic.

Mia, if we keep going like this, we're gonna have to close in six months.

What the hell? Y'all got birds in here?

Don't mind the drones, they're a gift from an admirer of Claire's.

I'm not supposed to tell anyone who it is.

Jack Dorsey. Of Twitter.

Ooh. It's still like you didn't tell anyone, 'cause I don't know who the hell that is.

We shouldn't be here.

You want to just let our store close?

Is it really that bad?

You know what, don't tell me.

Okay, I won't tell you.

[sighs]

Okay, tell me. I can handle it. Come on. Bring it.

We're $493,000 in debt.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry. I know I've let us down. I'm sorry.

[sighs]

It's hard for me to tell you these things.

Stop it. We'll figure this out.

Together. Okay?

[sighs]

Aah!

What are you doing? What did you do?

He attacked me first! Why are you taking his side?

We're gonna get in trouble. Why did you do it? She's looking at us!

Put that in your purse.

What?

Put it in your purse. You a white woman. You will not go to jail.

Two different laws. Put it in.

You got that white privilege. You won't get no jail time.

Just leave it like that.

Should I come back another time?

[Mel] No, no, no.

I was just having a little stretch. I'm so sorry, I have a tight calf.

I ran a marathon this morning.

Smooth.

Claire will be with you when she wants to be.

[Mel] Oh, my God, she has a Wegner Swivel Chair.

That's a $10,000 chair.

That is so stupid.

$10,000.

It's stupid!

[Claire] Hello, you fabulous women.

Mel Paige and Mia Carter.

Two-time "Atlanta Small Businesswomen to Watch."

$21,000 in online sales last month.

Best friends for 22 years!

Impressive.

I'm Clara Luna... which means "Clear Brilliant Moon."

The literal translation is "Clear Moon." The "Brilliant" is implied.

But you can just call me Claire.

It's such an honor to meet you.

The honor is always all mine.

I am so proud I found you.

You didn't find anything. We've been here.

Ooh, Mia!

You're spicy.

I like it.

[drone vibrating]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My phone is... buzzing. I apologize.

That was...

[vibrating continues]

[chuckles]

It's very loud. I'm sorry.

Ow! Ooh!

That's weird.

See, what happened was it was flying and it hit--

Was that hot?

Sure.

Yes!

[Mel] Are you a golfer?

Oh, no. It's just something to fiddle with.

Some people do it with toothpicks, the kids with their boogers...

Some grown-ups with the boogers, too.

Shh.

You two belong here.

I want to send women on the same incredible journey.

Look, Claire, our brand has value to us.

We want women to realize that they're already beautiful, not that they have to paint it on or cover it up.

We want them to shine from the inside out.

Understand?

More than you think.

You think I don't understand where you're coming from.

But I understand more than you understand I understand.

Mel, like you, I come from broke beginnings.

And, Mia, like you, I have a passion for mixing color.

We both started our own business all on our own.

And I have a mole on my face, just like you do.

I want you to feel the bliss of looking at your products displayed in a high-end store.

I want to see your reaction when you are looking at your bank account... and you realize you're millionaires.

Man, I would shit right in the middle of the Wells Fargo.

Oh.

Okay.

I wouldn't do that.

Well, get ready.

I'm going to pay for your debt completely for 51% of your company.

And I want to introduce the Mia & Mel line for Oviedo at my upcoming launch party.

[gasps]

And if that goes well, I am going to invest an additional $1.7 million on you.

You're literally saving our lives. I--

Can I give you a hug, please?

Nope, no hugs. We're not taking that offer.

She is gonna control our company. And that's not what we're about.

Okay, if you could just excuse us for... uno momento.

Please. Do you trust me?

I don't trust this bitch.

We don't have the choice.

I know a lace front when I see it. That is not her hair.

Please, Mia, trust me.

No, no, no.

[Mia] We can't do it!

My best friend and I discussed it.

The answer is... hell no.

Okay.

I'm gonna do something I've never done, but I think you two are worth it.

I will take only 49%, and you maintain controlling interest.

Happy?

I still don't like that.

If you could please just give us a little time to think it over and talk about it?

Okay. It's a big decision.

Don't rush it.

She'll need an answer by tomorrow.

[pop music plays in car]

So...

I don't want to talk about any more of this Claire Luna stuff.

Let's not talk about it then.

[engine revs]

[horn honks]

[Mia] Hold it, Baby Driver! Where the hell we going?

That was intense. We need a drink.

It's karaoke night.

[bell dings]

[spraying]

[inhales, sighs]

Why did you give them 51% stake in the company?

Strategy, Josh.

And I'm gonna get everything I want from those girls.

'Cause no one stays besties once money comes in.

Money changes everything.

And if it doesn't... I will.

You're a bitch.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[bartender] All right, two Peach Cîrocs for my two roadside peaches.

[Mia] Oh, thanks.

Cheers, guys.

Cheers.

[rock music pounding]

Mia, it's like we've sacrificed our whole lives for a chance like this.

So this is you not talking about Claire Luna.

This is me talking about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

[host] Our next two ladies.

Please welcome Mia and Mel!

["Up Where We Belong" plays]

Are you serious?

We haven't done this one for a while.

Girl!

[crowd cheering]

[woman] Come on, Mia, sing!

Come on, girl!

♪ Love lift us up Where we belong ♪ Girl, I know what you're trying to do.

We have worked our asses off to get here!

♪ Where the eagles cry ♪

♪ On a mountain high ♪ What if we lose our freedom?

♪ Claire will lift us up Where we belong ♪ Don't stand there and karaoke me.

♪ Far from the world we know ♪

♪ Where the clear winds blow ♪ You know you tripping, right?

We've dreamed of this since we were teenagers.

No, you've dreamed of this since we were teenagers.

I just wanted to be a boss.

You saved my life when you took me in. Now let me pay you back.

You know what?

Okay, fuck it. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Long as you stop singing. Let's blow the fuck up!

Whoo! Yeah!

Let's blow this makeup up!

Hello, ladies.

Do you know Greg and Ron from Get Some? Greg and Ron, these are...

Mia and Mel from Mia & Mel. No introduction needed.

We follow you on Insta, and you are such an inspa...

...ration.

And you are in cosmetics as well?

Yeah.

Weird, right? Two straight dudes?

We thought you were gay immediately.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much.

We feel the beauty industry needed fresh eyes on women's makeup.

Shatter some myths.

Let's just be real, right?

Who are women trying to make themselves look beautiful for?

Themselves.

Each other.

Men.

Mmm.

[Greg] It might not sound woke, but we're just trying to be authentic.

Modern women admit... they want sex, and they want to look hot.

That's why our slogan is simple and to the point:

"Get some. Look hot."

Look hot.

[scoffs] That is simple.

Thank you very much, guys. You know your way out.

Ladies. Claire, thanks. Love you.

Come on in, ladies.

Those guys are knuckleheads, but they are very ambitious.

I'm thinking of buying their company, too. We'll see.

Okay, ladies, just one more provision.

This is gonna be a really intense process. And, in my experience, business and friendship don't always mix.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if your partnership gets into any kind of trouble during this process... if one of you quits the company, I will take 51% controlling interest.

That's never gonna happen. We've been best friends since middle school, and our friendship makes our business better.

Yep, we rock solid.

So you don't have to worry your pretty little head.

My head is not little. It's just that my breasts are humongous.

That's just what I was thinking.

[Mel] OMG!

[squeals]

[shutter clicks]

Congratulations.

Now we celebrate.

[snaps]

[Latin music starts]

[woman sings in Spanish]

[music continues]

[Claire shouting in Spanish]

Come on, Mia.

[speaks Spanish]

[music stops]

Please stop. Okay. We celebrated.

The launch party is in six weeks.

I need you to come back with a presentation for what your company brand will be under my banner... mañana.

Of course. No problemo.

[sighs] We got this. Thank you.

Well, well, well. Is this what those Claire Luna coins gets us?

You didn't have to get us such fancy gifts, but I love it.

We wanted to. This is a big moment for all of us.

We wouldn't be here without you guys.

Gucci, Gucci, goo!

Gorgeous.

Okay. So, how are we gonna rebrand for Claire?

What is our story?

I'm a divorced pet lover. Use mine.

Sydney. Love you. Love your story.

But I think we should just stick with our own story, you know? Keep it real.

We can't go back to Claire and tell her what we've come up with is we're just... keeping it real.

We need to try something new. Let's zhuzh it up a bit.

Did you just say "zhuzh"?

We got to zhuzh it up!

Zh-zh-zhuzh?

Don't be so zhuzh-mental.

[laughs]

[Barret] Zhh!

Let's focus up!

[winds down] Zhh. Zh.

What is the intersection between what Claire wants and what we do?

[Barret] Come on, girl.

We need you, Mia.

You know you the idea woman.

Look, good ideas do not come to me if they are forced.

I have a process.

Let's go out.

Please. Girl, what?

Harry's throwing a last-minute birthday party.

We could swing by there, have one drink, and then I can give him his birthday present.

We've got a presentation tomorrow. This is seriously important homework.

There'll be young girls there.

We could ask them some questions, maybe come up with some ideas.

[club music plays]

How about day-to-night opalescent powder called "Sparkly Face"?

How about I got to give Harry his birthday gift, so you ask some of these other people what they do with their makeup.

I'll be right back.

Mia, I can't--

We don't have time!

Happy birthday.

Come on, we got to make this fast, 'cause Mel and I got work to do.

I'm so excited for you guys. I've been smiling all day.

You always smile all day. Now, come on.

This is crazy, this is cra--

No conversation!

You young people always trying to narrate your whole damn life!

It's like having sex with somebody on Instagram Live.

[club music continues]

Hey.

Hey!

You girls are so cute.

[chuckling]

Tell me about your makeup.

Actually don't wear any. Just sunscreen and lip plump.

Get out! I think I see some shadow there.

Are you Melissa's mom?

Fuck off! Are you?

What about you, Ginger?

All my makeup is semi-permanent.

Ouch. Thanks for nothing!

[laughing]

I can't believe you left me to go and look for that guy!

I know. I'm the worst. He was so much shorter up close.

[girl] He was short from far away.

Hey, girl.

Where have you been?

Sorry it took me so long, but I was destroying Harry for all future women.

Is that dip?

No, it's ranch dressing.

Bagel chips!

Hero!

I am so glad I found you.

[muffled chatter]

[Mia] It's weird how scary the whole world can be.

And then your person shows up, and you're like, "I'm good."

And how, like, our eyes are just wet security cameras in our head... gathering just data.

[exhales]

I think I smoked too much.

Yeah.

[giggles]

Thank God I'm not alone. I'm really glad you're here.

Always.

You're my ride or die. I'm always here for you.

Like you for me.

Remember when my mom passed?

I wouldn't have made it through that funeral without you.

Everyone coming up to me, "If there's anything I can do for you..."

And they'd walk away before they find out if I needed anything.

And then here you come, with them four Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

With pickles.

Them salty-ass french fries.

And the chocolate shakes spiked with the Captain Morgan's.

[chuckles]

That was exactly what I needed.

We so lucky we got each other.

We should get some french fries.

I got it.

What?

I know what we can do.

And Claire Luna's gonna love it.

But first, let's get them french fries.

Hey. My name is Mia. What's yours?

Ellie.

Jess.

[Mia] Tell me, what do you guys love about each other?

This one?

Yeah.

Or no, this one.

Tap. Just make it go.

[Mel] Where did you meet?

It was actually a Halloween party.

[Mel] Oh, what were you dressed as?

Destiny's Child, but there was five of us.

[laughing]

[Mel] We want our products to make you feel like you just found your person in the crowd.

Happy and safe.

[Mia] No matter how much you see your flaws, your person is always standing there, reminding you: you are beautiful.

We want to create a line that, instead of hiding your flaws, boosts your best parts.

We call it "Proud."

["Proud Mary" plays]

"Proud Mary"?

My grandma used to play it all the time.

She said, "That's the voice of a woman that's ready to turn up the great."

We want it to be our anthem.

Her eyebrows always look perfect. Look at 'em!

I love her skin because it's flawless. Like, my best friend has no flaws.

And she has dimples, they're so cute.

She has natural eyebrows, she doesn't have to fill 'em in.

[video stops]

How could you turn off "Proud Mary" before the fast part? Who does that?

This is the opposite direction to what you should be heading.

This is all wrong!

Too sentimental. Mushy. It's cheesy.

Sappish. Cornish.

Not sexy at all.

Sorry, I think Mia was just thinking...

I'm sorry... We were just thinking that the best kind of relationships and the best kind of makeup make you feel beautiful.

Then stitch that on a pillow, honey, and sell it on Etsy.

I am asking you to push yourselves to the edge.

I want you to be fierce!

How far are you willing to go?

Far! We can go far.

I know we're fierce. We're totally fierce!

Down to go places.

That's why we're friends.

We're gonna push you to the edge.

So afraid you gonna fall off. But you're not.

You're not.

You're not. You're gonna fall into beauty.

And be beautiful.

And you're gonna push it!

And, like, fierce beauty.

Yeah.

[growls]

Are we selling animal cookies?

I need you to be fierce yourself so that you can inspire the ugly people to buy themselves into gorgeousness!

Listen to the word:

Fierst.

Fierst.

What is it saying to you?

I hear "fear" then "erst."

I hear that, too.

Fierst.

Fierst.

Fierst.

Fierst.

[whispers] Now whisper it.

Feel it inside you.

[whisper] Fierst. Fierst.

Jarring. Unexpected. Exhilarating.

That's fierst.

Can you be fierst?

Uh-huh.

Yes, we can certainly try.

Get the car and my purse!

[sighs]

Okay, girls, this is what you do well.

The rest of it... no.

But you've only chosen lipstick and foundation.

Yeah, and you said you loved our One Night Stand.

That's because it was a fabulous idea when it came out years ago.

Now it's boring. You need to evolve.

That's what I've been saying.

Exactly. She gets it.

I need a new exciting idea.

Now!

Anyone! Don't just wait for Mia, Mel.

Uh, well, um...

How about a...

custom-blended two-sided lipstick, and you can pick... whichever shade fits your mood.

Mmm.

Yes.

Yes.

That's the kind of creative juice I'm looking for out of you.

Great juices. You follow that.

Follow your juices, Mel.

Yeah, Mel, follow your juices.

[whispers] Hey.

Okay, just be respectful.

You be respectful.

I'm not arguing with you.

I'm not arguing with you, either.

[clears throat loudly]

Do you need to fight in private or shall I count to ten?

Count to ten, because I got more shit to say.

[Mel] She's trying to help us evolve.

What are we, Pokémons?

No. Hey. Hey.

Relax. I'm not arguing with you.

I'm just saying I don't like that.

[whispering]

[Syd stomps foot] Hello!

You know... fighting isn't always bad.

I used to have sex with my husband-- just amazing sex-- after we fought.

And then he started having amazing sex with himself.

And, well, you know, then we stopped fighting and now we're not married.

Mmm. Mm, mm, mmm.

[R & B music playing]

How many can you do in an hour?

Around 75.

But I don't. Because I'm not showy.

I can do 300,000, and I do.

But it's so nice to see that there are actual artisans that still work with their hands.

It's so romantic.

Thank you, Barry.

Barret.

Barret.

[makes "T" sound]

You have to fire him.

[Mel] What?

We can't do that.

We not gonna do that.

I'm gonna be mass producing your products now.

Sadly, he's obsolete.

With all due respect, he built this business with us.

Did you know that I had a partner when I started out?

Shay Whitmore.

Josh! We don't say that name.

That woman and I met in college.

They were freshmen roommates.

Josh!

Whose story is it anyway?

It's yours.

We were best friends and in business for 12 years.

And then I had to fire her.

Damn, that's some coldhearted shit.

If you want to be businesswomen, you'll have to make many tough decisions.

He's got to go.

[car starts]

I'm sorry. This is just really hard for me.

It's not easy for me, either. Let's just not do it, then.

No, you heard what Claire said, okay?

It's easier for you. That's why you should do it. You're meaner.

You're meaner on the inside!

It's like you got a little Mr. Krabs living inside of you.

You're right. You're right.

I'm secretly meaner.

[clinks]

This arugula is good as hell.

You know they call it "rocket" in Europe?

What the fuck is that?

[chuckles]

It's arugula, honey. That sounds better, right?

Mel, don't you have something you want to say?

Barret...

What?

Go ahead, spit it out.

Yeah, spit it out, Mel.

Barret...

Uh-huh.

I just... I wanted to...

Barret, I'm gonna-- I-- What I wanted to say--

That was...

I...

I love your suit.

Oh, thank you!

I do look good in a tartan plaid, right?

[bangs table]

[clicks tongue, sighs]

Barret... we love you.

You're fired.

[fork clinks]

What?

But...

Mel?

They're outsourcing our production. We're sorry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[panting]

You know what?

I knew this shit was gonna happen. Fuck the both of you!

Don't hate me, hate Mel. It was her idea.

What are you talking about?

Yes, it was your idea. It was your idea.

Oh, okay. I knew this one was a pickled beast.

But you, Mel?

You want to fire me, and you make Mia do it?

Shame on your house.

Wait! Firing you is not my idea. I promise.

We wouldn't even be here had you not pushed me into letting Claire do a grab job on our company.

She saved our company, which was about to go broke!

Oh, yeah, and everything's so fantastic now.

No, nothing's fantastic now.

[Barret] Hey, hey, hey.

Hey! Shut it.

Witness... my... tragic... moment!

[piano music plays]

[Kim] Happy birthday, baby.

Happy birthday to me!

Happy birthday.

[woman] Happy birthday, Jill.

[Jill] Thank you!

[Jill] I love you.

Thank you guys so much for doing this for my birthday.

Oh, my God. Baby, anything.

Ladies, if there's one thing I have learned in my ceviche journey, it's that it's all about the right amount of cilantro.

Is it just me, or has working with Claire Luna made y'all fancy?

'Cause I'm getting a fancy vibe.

She's a very impressive person. She fucked Drake.

[woman] Is that true?

Just stop, okay?

Because you are gonna make Mel jealous, because she wants to fuck Claire Luna.

Oh.

Okay!

[chuckling]

Well, you sure showed us.

We are just so sorry that we ever doubted your choices.

So proud of you.

Thank you.

I never did doubt it.

Yeah, it was mostly me.

I just have to say that I am looking around the room at these ceviches and they all look beautiful, but Mel, yours looks best of all.

I appreciate that, Brook. Thank you.

Look at that, the lady in charge complimenting Mel's ceviche!

You gonna suck her dick, too?

[cackling]

I'm not interested in sucking Brook's dick.

I think you're just jealous because Claire likes me more.

Ooh.

[scoffs]

Why don't we move it on to the chile rellenos, shall we?

Step one, we want to add a little cheese.

And step two, I actually don't have a penis.

But if you did, we would suck it.

[Jill] Yeah, she's over the legal limit.

Actually, I'm very happy for Mel.

She finally found someone that likes her more than me.

Ooh, boy.

Success has changed you.

It's changed something, that's for sure.

I would express more shock, but I've had so much Botox.

[chef] Okay, it might be time to kick it up a notch.

So, I happened to bring with me some ghost peppers.

I will pass them around. Ladies, I'm telling you, they are very spicy.

Just a little sliver goes a long way.

Wait, hold up. Maybe you want to call Claire and ask her permission to use a ghost pepper.

Claire? Hello? Are you on the line?

Just call me when you grow up, okay, Mi?

Oh, when I grow up? Oh, I'm grown. I'm real grown.

You the one that's the crybaby. You the one that cries all the time.

Oh, oh.

Why don't you call Claire and cry to Claire?

Go cry to Claire.

The fake crying is gonna make me lactate, but this is great.

"Mia won't let me kiss your ass."

I think they're really mad at each other. Shouldn't we do something?

No! I have not seen adults be shitty to each other in a minute.

This is better than watching that little bitch Caillou!

Who the fuck is Caillou?

He's this kid on Nickelodeon. Fucking idiot.

Why don't we actually move it on into the living room for some mezcal and some tequila?

[all] Yeah!

Yeah!

Dick or no dick, I love that Brook!

Whoo!

It's-It's no dick.

[Jill] More booze! Maybe we'll be swimming in a baby pool full of flan.

I would watch it.

That's enough.

[Kim] I can have as many as I want, 'cause I run this country.

[chattering]

[Jill] You can have-- It's birthday time.

[Kim] Thank you.

[Jill] You won't remember this anyway.

You cry to Claire. You cry to Claire.

[chatters]

Chiles up your ass.

Well, this is the first alcohol I've had since the baby was born, and I got to tell you, it feels right!

[ladies] Mm-hmm!

[Kim] Well, bon appétit.

Or as they say in español, buen provecho.

[Jill] Oui, oui.

[woman laughs]

[Kim] I want to do more of this.

Have a birthday, you want to make changes.

[woman] Oprah says you don't start living until you're 40.

Mmm!

You okay?

Yeah, but a little spicy.

Oh, yeah.

[woman] Yeah.

Well, Mexican food is spicy.

[coughs] Very hot.

Nobody else's lips are burning?

[women] No.

Just ease up on the... Have some water.

Uh, chef?

Do ghost peppers get hotter when you cook them?

No it shouldn't, not if you just used a sliver.

[Jill] "Sliver"? I want to see that movie.

I learned how to masturbate with that movie.

That's not right.

[Jill] Okay.

[groaning]

[woman] Yeah, just have some water, honey.

[Jill] There you go.

[Kim] There go you. That's better.

That's right.

[belches]

[all] Oh!

[groans] It's getting hotter. It's getting hotter.

Oh, this is hot!

Whoo! [belches]

[woman] Why is she eating like a dog?

Use a fork. You look disgusting.

[gags]

[all] Oh!

[Jill] No, no, no, no.

[shouting]

Okay.

It burns so bad it hurts! It hurts!

[Kim] Breathe through it.

[Kim] Oh, my God.

Shit!

[Jill] She's choking!

[woman] I know Heimlich.

I will save your life, Mia!

[Kim] You have to go higher.

Keep it in the middle.

Yes. Yes.

If you die on my carpet...

Don't you die! I swear to God.

[woman] It didn't work.

Here's some bread. It'll soak it all up.

Oh, that's a lot of carbs!

It's only 20 points.

Here you go, honey. Milk.

This is what I do with Ryder. Mama's feeding you milk.

There it is.

There you go.

It's goat's milk. It's thick.

[coughs]

This is the first motherfucking night... since I had Ryder that I washed my body.

I did my hair, I put on some makeup to hang out with my girls... instead of staying home eating wet Cheerios stuck on my baby's crevices and his thick little thighs.

Fuck you, Mia!

Fuck you!

[splash]

[Mia] Ooh, I pray for the healing of this bootyhole.

Please heal this bootyhole. This is bad! [crying]

Ooh.

[flushes]

I'm in here!

Yeah, that's you. That's your fault.

I am so sorry again about what happened last night.

I lost my mind for a minute. I don't want to fight with you.

I just want us to work together and make this deal happen.

Why the hell did you do that? Barret's my best friend.

And he's brilliant, and he's tender, and you hurt him.

We didn't have a choice.

It sucks for all of us.

No, but he was my person!

And I know he's never gonna be my husband, and... thanks to my therapist, I'm learning to accept that.

Would you like a hug?

No! I don't want a hug.

What are you doing?

What is wrong with you? Yes, of course I would like a hug.

I don't know why you wouldn't know that.

[bell jingles]

Surprise!

It's the angry carrot. What can I get you? Nothing? Good.

Okay, girls, show me the presentation on the two-sided lipstick idea you came up with.

Well, everything has gotten a little sidetracked because of what happened with Barret.

Oh, my God!

He's not even here anymore, and he's still slowing down production!

Come on. Show me what you got.

So, here we have two normal lipsticks.

And the idea is, if we just join them together...

You just stick them together like that.

Real hard, like they're, you know, two dogs mating.

[growling]

My Oviedo customers do not want to think of the penis of a dog rubbing on their lips because it's disgusting.

Yes, disgusting.

Two dogs copulating? That's what you came up with?

We're so off-track. That's not what I meant.

This is appalling.

And it's your fault.

You cannot let the other one get in the middle of the creative.

That one does the accounting.

You know her limitations.

You failed her!

Uh, you blaming me for the dog-sex lipstick?

Yeah.

I don't know what you want, but this is not how you're gonna get it.

Wow.

I'm sorry. I loved dogs when I was little.

I mean, not their dicks, but...

[door closes]

[Syd] I bet that little bag is made out of his foreskin.

[Claire shouting, indistinct]

[Mel] I think we really disappointed her.

Take a Lyft!

Hey. So Claire's decided to bring a different company to the launch party instead of you.

Whoa, whoa, what?

What bitch is taking our spot?

It's actually two men. Straight guys. You know them. Get Some?

She bought their company.

Oh, no.

Those Maroon 5-looking dudes?

Okay. You guys, they've actually got a proven track record.

They created the online-dating app PostD8.

What's PostD8?

It is a totally gross and chauvinistic app, where guys can go on and tell women they've previously dated what was wrong with them to "help them out."

Yeah, I'm on it.

My landlord said that my teeth are too sharp.

Why would Claire even want to be associated with those pigs?

She didn't, okay? That is why Claire is so upset with you.

She is a feminist!

And now, because of you guys, she has to go with two dudes.

That makes zero sense.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll explain. Good news, your debt is paid.

Bad news, Claire's never helping you again.

And, per your contract, you now have to give Claire

49 cents of every dollar for the rest of your lives.

So, yeah, keep moisturizing, 'cause you're gonna need those looks.

[man singing] ♪ If your upper lip is hairy ♪ Are these the guys?

♪ You can fix it With a blast of Poppin' Cherry! ♪ The lyrics are beyond offensive, but... the melody is beautiful!

Get some Get Some, and you'll get some.

What happened to her whole thing of mentoring women to recreate her sweet rise?

I don't know, but she ain't getting away with this shit.

We're getting out of this deal. She's done messing with us!

I really thought she was gonna take care of us. I believed her.

And she's such a lying... snake!

Really?

That's all you could come up with?

What would you call her?

I would say that she's a yeasty-ass, pussy-ass, tomfoolery-lookin' motherfucking...

I don't even know what tomfoolery is, but it seem like something that fits her.

She got blue waffles. You know what blue waffles is?

That's when your coochie looks like it's from The Walking Dead.

'Cause she ain't shit!

[clears throat]

Claire's in a meeting right now.

My Payless BOGOs are about to be in a meeting with your ass... right now.

[phone rings]

[rings]

[Mel] It's Claire.

What?

[tone plays]

Let us up there.

Right now.

No. Maybe next time somebody gives you an opportunity, you'll step up your pussies instead of wasting it.

Ta-ta!

Come on, girl. Go, go, go.

Marcus, get them.

[Mia] We coming for you, Claire!

[guard] Come back here!

[Mel] Stand down, sir. Thank you, sir. Stand down.

Let's not make this hard, ladies.

[Mel] Thank you very much, sir! Goodbye!

[grunts]

What the fuck?

[Mia] Go, go, go, go.

Stop right there!

We're coming to meet with Claire. Everything's fine!

[grunts]

[Mel] I think he could be dead!

[Mia] He's good. I saw his legs moving.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit.

Back, back, back.

Oh! Come on. Shit!

[Mel] There's been a misunderstanding.

We're here to see Claire.

We're here to do services on Claire Luna.

Yes! Yes, see, we are gonna bleach her butthole.

And it's really big.

That's why there's two of us.

Exactly.

You need to come with us.

You get away from me!

[groans]

Ma'am?

You want some, too?

Son of a bitch!

That was right in the nipple.

Get Claire Luna down here right now or I'm gonna jump.

Pronto. What?

Yep, I am gonna jump.

[Mel] Hey, hey, hey.

This is for real. Yes, we will.

This isn't funny. No, no, no...

We're gonna paint this whole downstairs with blood, teeth and hair.

Nope. Mia!

[Mia] Let's do it.

[Mia] We are not bluffing.

Get Claire Luna right now!

Oh, shit!

[screams]

Oh, my God, Mia!

[shouts]

[screams]

[gasps]

Grab! Help me!

This is not what I wanted to happen, Mel. Don't you fucking drop me!

Trust me, I got you!

[shouts]

[Mel] We got you.

[Mia] Don't you drop me!

I'm never gonna let you go. I have you.

[screams]

[screams]

I fucking hate drones!

Ah, shit!

Grab the flag!

Come on, let's go.

I didn't kill your cousin. It was suicide!

[Mel] Help me, guys!

Oh, I'm so glad I been planking.

[groans]

[Mel] Come on.

Ooh. How you know this my favorite position? That's my favorite right there.

Oh, my God.

What you doing here? We're waiting for Claire.

I'm a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny... bit impressed.

That's quite a scene you made in my house.

And I'm not sorry at all.

Neither am I.

Actually, that's a lie. I am.

Very sorry and embarrassed.

I apologize for the both of us.

Don't apologize for me.

Okay, I won't. But I apologize for me.

Can you please just give us another chance?

I don't want another chance. I don't want to be in her world at all.

And here's what's about to happen, okay?

You're giving us our company back!

No problem.

You just pay me back the half a million that I paid for your debt.

Plus interest. Plus $4,000 for the drone you destroyed.

You destroyed it.

Fine.

For the drone you were going to steal and you made me destroy.

Let's just call it 600K, shall we?

You can add this to my tab.

Was that "fierst" enough for you?

[yelps]

I know the real reason why you keep messing with us.

You can't stand to see two best friends living their best life and running a business together.

It's the only thing you ever failed at in life.

Do you think she's right?

No. No. No.

You're successful, you're independent.

Who wouldn't want to be you?

What do you think, Mia?

She telling you what you want to hear.

[Claire] I think you're right.

And that's smart.

She knows where the power is.

I'm going to gift you one last chance.

I host an event every month for insiders. It's called, "Beauty and Bubbles."

You ladies are gonna do a live tutorial there.

And if it's well received, then you're back on track and I will present you at my launch party.

If you mess it up, then you're out.

Thank you so much.

No way.

[dings]

It's like she says no to things just to piss me off.

I feel I have to walk on eggshells when I'm around her, or she'll freak out.

You remind me of myself.

Oh.

When I was whiny and weak and lame.

Remember my former partner?

Shay Whitmore?

Shh. We don't have to say the name.

That woman disagreed with every single thing I did.

Eventually, I stopped telling her things. I was keeping things from her.

Same! But I don't want to do that with Mia anymore.

Then you have to stand up to her like I did with Shay.

Nothing will change in your company... until you change.

You feel me?

Mm-hmm.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[sighs]

I need to talk to you. We're going to Beauty and Bubbles, and I'm not taking no for an answer.

I'm not going.

No, you are going, okay?

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. [voice cracks]

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Ooh!

You can clean that up.

You been doing cocaine and didn't ask me if I wanted some?

That was a lifetime promise.

Please.

You know that I won't be able to live with myself if I don't at least try.

[sighs]

Okay, I'll go.

For you.

[crowd cheering]

Hello, you fabulous women!

Welcome to my ongoing series, Beauty and Bubbles.

Tonight we are going to pit two emerging cosmetic duos against each other, and you get to decide which one will join my Oviedo empire.

[cheering]

From Mia & Mel, please welcome Mia and Mel.

What is this, Claire?

And from Get Some Cosmetics, please welcome Greg and Ron.

You guys look gorgeous.

Get Some! Claire Bear!

Our gorgeous guinea pigs are Layla and Lola Farrell.

Twins?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Okay, Greg and Ron, show us what you've got.

Let's do this. Get Some! Have a seat, milady.

You know, we are gonna turn this face from "meh"... to "meh-gnificent."

Mia? Mel? Come on, girls!

[Ron] Lot of blemishes. A lot going on here. I think we'll do a max glam.

How are you today?

Good.

Good. Your skin looks amazing! What do you do to keep it up?

I drink a lot of water.

That is the key.

When they get pissed off, it's over.

[scoffs]

Put some lips on you, and it'll be great.

Smile for me.

Okay, don't smile. Just do the pout.

We don't fix teeth here.

What do you love about makeup?

I love how fun it is. And you're like, "Oh, my God, I'm hot."

Who do you think is gonna crack first, Mel or Mia?

Your lashes are thickish and longish.

Yeah.

You just need to shine a light on them with a bit of...

...mascara.

Mm-hmm.

There you go. Beautiful.

[Lola] Thank you.

No, I was talking about his technique.

Thank you.

It's beautiful.

Right?

Now let's see how everyone did.

Mia and Mel, walk us through Layla's look.

Yes.

At Mia & Mel, we're not about painting it on. We don't like that.

We like to see it shine through. Look at you!

Thank you.

Now, fellas, show us your look.

[crowd wows]

Voilà.

Lola is a very cute girl, but we knew she could be a stone-cold fox.

So we started with an all-over matte foundation to cover up her flaws.

Then, of course, we finished it with our signature Get Some...

[together] ...Poppin' Cherry Lipstick.

Lola, Layla, please come closer.

[laughs]

It's funny. It's almost like a before and after, right?

[laughing]

Actually, we're not finished yet. Sit down.

[Mia] What? We did what we wanted. Leave it alone.

We're not done. We just have a little more work to do on our twin.

Just give me a second.

What are you doing?

What is wrong with you?

I'm fixing this.

You can't keep trying to please someone who keeps screwing you over and over.

She's not your mother.

Mel, you are so right about her.

She really is ruthless when she doesn't get what she wants.

I see what you mean by always having to walk on eggshells around her.

So that's what you're doing?

You're sitting around talking shit about me with Claire behind my back?

No, I just don't know how to deal with you sometimes!

Well, you could've figured that out a long time ago by just trusting me.

You don't have to deal with me no more. I quit.

You just gave her control of our company!

Hasn't been our company for a long time, Mel.

That is not true!

The only reason you ever wanted us to succeed is 'cause you're obsessed with what everybody thinks about you.

You don't care what anyone thinks.

You just do whatever you want to do. You're so selfish!

I'm selfish?

Yeah!

I've been taking care of you since the first day I walked into your broke-ass home.

So I'm just a charity case? Huh?

I wish you'd told me that so I didn't waste my life trying to get you to do things you're too scared to do!

This ain't about you supporting me.

It's about you trying to prove that you're not a nobody!

I'd rather be a nobody than a bully.

I'm done with you weighing me down.

This last 20 years has been a waste.


You guys were right. We never should've started the company to begin with.

Oh, my God, the only reason that we were so bitchy about it is because we were so jealous of you.

It's true. So much of my diary is designated to feeling left out and jealous of you and Mel's friendship.

You got to hang out every day with your best friend.

We get to hang out with our families, which is great, but sometimes...

We get to hang out with our families, which is awesome, but sometimes you just want to be with your friends.

You two are gonna work it out. You're like sisters. It's beautiful.

Yeah, Kim's right.

I mean, I don't know anything about sisters as I'm an only child, but it is beautiful, and you will work it out.

Thanks, ladies.

I don't know.

What are you doing?

Zillowing.

I have to find more affordable housing, as I am currently unemployed.

It's a knockoff.

Clearly.

I'm sorry, Barret.

We never should've fired you.

You know, I'm not mad that you fired me.

I know that Claire gave you no choice.

What I don't understand is why you never called me afterwards.

This is the first time we're speaking.

And I suspect it's only because you don't have Mel right now.

I can't do this.

Sit your ass down!

I ain't done with you yet.

Do you understand what Mel does for you?

She doesn't do--

You have no idea.

Every day, she comes into the store, she sets it up perfectly, so you can come in and be a whirling dervish of creativity.

And when it's all over... she cleans up after you so you can come back in the next day and do it all over again.

And I suspect it's the same at home.

I mean, she does put toothpaste on my toothbrush.

Almost every day.

Hey, Syd.

How are you? That's a pretty dress. Where's it from?

Oh. Yeah, I found it on a chain-link fence out in front of the school.

Yeah.

It's been pretty dull without you. Both of you.

Syd...

Mia and I aren't gonna work together anymore.

Can I tell you something?

I just know that you're so scared that you can't tell her anything.

So you can't work anything out.

That's how this whole mess started.

Fuck.

Come on. You guys got to come back to work.

You do. I mean, did you see this?

I found this on the Get Some website.

Claire Luna is introducing a new product at her launch party.

What?

She ripped us off. That's One Night Stand!

You're gonna let someone just take your best seller?

And your best friend?

[phone rings]

I was just about to call you!

Where are you? I need to tell you something.

I just left the store. Where are you?

I'm headed towards the store. I'll find you.

I have to tell you something. I can't believe I brought that tiny--

What I have to tell you is way more important.

No, it's not more important than what I have to tell you.

I need to apologize.

I was so blind to everything you do. You were right.

I was scared. I was unfair to you, and--

I'm so sorry I ever took you for granted.

I'm so sorry.

No, you were right. I need to change, and I'm gonna do better.

I just don't ever want to disappoint you.

You're my family. You're my home.

I don't know what I would do without you.

Girl, I didn't brush my teeth for three weeks!

[sobbing, laughing]

I'm so sorry I ever believed anything she ever said.

I'm sorry I blew our chance.

We never had a chance! You were right.

She gave One Night Stand to the Get Some guys.

Ooh.

Nobody steals our ideas and gets away with it.

You know what? We're gonna break this bitch's back.

["Best Life" by Koyotie plays]

♪ Jumped up like a lion Tangles in my hair ♪

♪ Call me what you want I don't care ♪

♪ I'm on fire In my underwear ♪

♪ Doing what I want Like a millionaire ♪

♪ I turn it up another notch ♪

♪ I rock it loud And make it hot ♪

♪ I spike the punch I make it pop ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ Living my best life Living my best life ♪

♪ Do what I feel like ♪

♪ Living my best life... ♪ Thank you for seeing me.

Yes, Mia Paige, how can I help you?

[sighs]

I have an offer for you.

A sweet-ass offer that you won't want to refuse.

♪ Don't stop Living my best life ♪

♪ Living my best life ♪

♪ Do what I feel like... ♪

[Mel] Let's move!

♪ Living my best life Staying up all night ♪

[shouting, chattering]

♪ Do what I feel like ♪

♪ Living my best life ♪

♪ I turn it up another notch ♪

[music continues on speakers]

Look at this crowd, baby!

Oh, yeah.

♪ Pop, pop Don't stop ♪

♪ Living my best life ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the queen of cosmetic chic, Claire Luna!

[cheering]

Hello, you fabulous women!

[cheering]

I just adore this event because this is when I get to introduce my debutantes to the cosmetics world.

[laughing]

Yeah.

These two are geniuses.

And together we have an incredible new product to launch that you ladies will lose your minds over.

[inaudible]

Are you ready to lose your minds?

Ladies and gentlemen--

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mia and Mel!

Yes, ladies, ladies.

Ladies.

Thank you. We couldn't be more thrilled to be here and have the support of this strong woman right here.

Thank you, Claire, for supporting all women.

Thank you, Claire!

This is like hugging a little Mexican Barbie doll.

Like a bunch of celery.

[Mia] Are those Spanx?

[cheering]

It is because of you, Claire, that we can stand here and have the chance to share with you all what we believe is the core of beauty:

Each other.

Mmm.

Friendship isn't just about the high points.

It's about the low points, too. And everything in between.

You really think you're gonna get away with this shit?

Mm-hmm.

Um, do they judge me when I get too drunk at baby showers?

A hundred percent.

[laughing]

But at the end of the day, look at this skin, look at this smile, look at these hearts. You know what I mean?

I love you guys so much.

I love you guys, too.

[murmuring]

[stammering] Go do something!

Like what? They're already on the stage.

So? Go get--

Hey! Hey! Let them finish.

Get rid of it.

Can I have that back?

Oh, come on!

I've got butt plugs way bigger than you.

Fine, I'll stop--

Yours are made of stone. Ow.

You pumpkin-spiced turd! I'm gonna pull all this shit off!

Josh, Josh, Josh, you're fired!

What?

[shouts]

You can't depend on no man to bring you happiness.

That's my cue.

[Syd] You're right, and I really needed to hear that.

The happiness is on the inside. We taught you that, right?

It sounds like such a cliché, but it really is true.

It's the truth!

[Syd] I mean, you're just such an incredible friend.

And if I get hit by a bus on the way out of here, I just want you to know that he really was my best friend.

[laughing]

[cheering]

Ladies, we have a new product for all you besties out there who've been brave enough to ride out the rough patches and get stronger on the other end.

This is "Ride or Die", y'all!

A custom beauty kit that allows you and your best friend to pretty it up while you break it down.

Where my besties at, huh?

We're the ones who stuck it out through all that shit!

Y'all know what I'm talking about.

[Mel] "Ride or Die."

Check it out, ladies. See? Look at that.

They're a hit.

Does this mean I'm still fired?

Hell, yes.

[sniffs]

Well, good luck trying to find your purse without me!

I left it where it usually is.

[chattering]

[grunts]

[chuckles]

Okay, I forgive you.

This is gonna be great for Oviedo!

Oh, this is not for your company.

Baby, I own you.

Actually, you don't own us. You own Mia & Mel, the company.

You know, you were right. One Night Stand is old news now.

So we've started a new company, with a new partner, and we're calling it Proud.

[laughing]

You're starting from scratch?

What are you gonna do, go door-to-door and try to sell it with your Girl Scout cookies?

Ha!

Not exactly.

Shay?

Hello, Claire.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You're trying to steal my girls to get back at me.

No, I don't need to steal your girls, because you pushed them out.

Just like you pushed me out.

Oh, my God, I've had enough of that drama.

Go talk to my lawyer. Shoo! [snaps fingers]

Oh, Claire. You're still the same.

We were a great team. But you always had to be right at all costs.

Mm-hmm.

And you haven't changed.

Even your face looks like it hasn't smiled in 30 years.

Is that supposed to be an insult?

Well, yeah, to your soul.

Physically you look great.

[sighs]

Obviously, I overestimated you two.

You are nothing but a baby and a bully.

You know what? No, okay?

We're smart, and we're strong, and we're best friends, and we love and respect each other.

And you know what you are, Claire Luna?

You're a lying, manipulative, conniving, backstabbing, bucktoothed, Jessica Rabbit-looking motherfucker!

Ooh, that is good.

You surprised me with the whole teeth thing, 'cause they are looking crazy. But keep going.

And you know what else you have? You have Blue Waffles.

She has Blue Waffles! This bitch here!

No, I don't!

She does.

No!

And you are not fierst!

And now it's our time to celebrate. Come on.

Now, who feels like feeling good?

Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

Feeling good...

One, two, three, four!

["Proud Mary" plays]

♪ Left a good job In the city ♪

♪ Working for the man Every night and day ♪

♪ And I never lost One minute of sleeping ♪

♪ Worrying 'bout the way Things might have been ♪

♪ Big wheels keep on turning ♪

♪ Proud Mary keep on burning ♪

♪ And we're rollin', rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river ♪ They're amazing!

Great. You get to watch me take their name and make one billion dollars with it, and you'll get nothing.

I don't need anything.

And technically, they still own 49% of Mia & Mel.

So you'll have to pay them $490 million.

Fuck!

♪ We're rollin', rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river ♪

[scatting]

♪ Come on ♪ Hey, hey, hey.

[music continues]

♪ Rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' ♪

♪ Rolling, Rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river... ♪

[Mel] Ladies, I just got word from distribution that Proud will be sold internationally by the end of the year!

[laughs]

That's amazing!

Okay, okay, now let's see if you bitches been practicing.

All right, Barret... how do you say "Proud" in French?

Fiére.

Spanish?

Orgullosa.

Uh... [speaks Russian] That's Russian.

Spaghetti. [stutters]

Italian.

[stammers]

[chuckles]

Girl, we gonna have to get you microchipped.

[giggling]

Toodles!

Thank you, ladies. That's it for today.

[Barret] Great, thank you.

Do not.

What?

Come on. Then just say it.

Are you gonna do this every week for the next 20 years?

Twenty? We're stopping this after only 20 years?

Say it. Just say it. Just say it.

Okay, fine. I'll say it if this is gonna make you stop.

We did it.

What?

We did it.

What? Louder.

We did it! We did it!

Yes? What did we do?

We blew up! We poppin'! We blew up!

Yeah, we did it?

Yes!

["Sister" by K.Flay plays]

♪ Do you wanna be mine? ♪

♪ Do you wanna be mine? ♪

♪ Do you wanna be mine? ♪

♪ Do you wanna be mine? ♪

♪ Do you wanna be mine? ♪

♪ Do you wanna be mine? ♪

[hip hop song plays]