Little Monsters (1989) Script

[music playing]

[Brian] We moved here about a month ago.

My parents, they said it'd be better for me and my brother Eric.

They always say that when they want something.

Everything's different.

All the streets had different names, all my friends were far away.

I was miserable.

I hated it.

Till I met my first friend-- Maurice.

I'll never, ever have a friend like him again.

[clock ticking]


[clanking softly]

[clanking stops]


[object clatters] [mother] Damnit, I hate this.

[father] You wanted a bigger house, a fixer-upper.

[mother] I wanted something both of us could do together, and you're never here.

[father] You think I like commuting two hours to a job I hate?

[mother] I thought things would be different here.

I thought we'd spend time together.

[father] You're the one who stopped working.

You think I like being a stranger to my kids?

[mother] I don't know. Oh, come on!

I'm not a monster, I'm a man.

[mother] I'm not sure there's a big difference.

[father] Great, now I'm a monster?

[mother] Look, I just wish you'd be here when you're here.


[TV turns on] ? It's time to play ?

? With our man Sam Yahay ? Hi, my name's Sam Yahay, and welcome to Channel 98 cable access, All About Chicks.

Today, my guest is Lovey. Lani.

Oh, sorry, Lani, right.

So, Lani, tell me, where are you from?

I'm from Fort Lauderdale, but I'm dying to go to L.A.

[Eric screams] Mommy! Yeah, right. So, uh, Lani...


What do you think about the world economy?

[TV shuts off]

[Eric] Mommy! Mommy, Mommy, a monster!

A monster! Mommy, Mommy, a monster!

A monster!

Mom, a monster! Oh, honey, are you all right?

Okay, now, there was a monster in your dream.

I was wide awake!

Oh, well, it was probably just your mommy snoring.

This is no joke, Dad. There was a real monster.


Honey, there's no such thing as monsters.

It ran in from the hall, grabbed my ankle, and slid under my bed.

Under the bed? Uh-huh.

Under the bed? Yeah.

No, Dad, don't!


Yuck. [laughs]

No monsters. Sick.

I guess all the dust bunnies scared him away.


No, no, no bunnies, no monsters. There is nothing under your bed.

Now, why don't you just go to sleep, okay?

Can I have the flashlight?

Sure, honey. Would you get it?

Honey, I thought we-- I'll get the, uh... get the flashlight.

Okay, come on, tuck up.

You know, I bet those monsters are more afraid of you than you are of them.

I know. Once you realize they don't exist, poof! They disappear.

Now, that's a lot of power.


[growling continues]

[sighs] Glen...

[growling continues]

Don't burn up the batteries, okay? Dad...

I won't. Good night, sweetheart.

All right, have a good sleep. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

[mother] Good night, honey.


Do you think he heard us?

Of course he heard us. That's what scared him.

[dog barking in distance]

[chatter on radio]

[mother] Eric, did you take your vitamins?

Yes. Good boy.

Okay, no trading for Twinkies today.

Oh, come on, Mom. I don't do that. [groans]

Then you carry over the one.

Hi, Dad. Hey, Mom. Good morning.

Hi, honey.

Hope whatever you watched on TV last night was worth your allowance and two weeks of TV.

Huh? "Huh"?

We found the sandwich, Brian.

What sandwich?

Brian Arthur Stevenson, you are the only person in this family who eats peanut butter and onion sandwiches.

You think every time you get caught, you can just lie your way out of it?

[pipes clanking] [mother] Damn.

Damn it.

The plumber's coming next week.

Great, I can leave him all these dishes.

[Glen] Just keep telling yourself it's our dream house.

It's our dream house, it's our dream house, it's our dream house.

[faucet clanks] Ugh.


["How I Love You" by Frankie Paul playing on radio]

You're dead, mister.

Hey, I didn't do anything. Just like the sandwich?

All right, all right, fine. I admit it.

I did have a sandwich, but I did not have any ice cream.

Why do you always blame everything on me?

Hey, well, somebody put scuff marks on the door kicking them open and somebody puts gum under the table.

Brian, you are old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.

Why don't you start acting it?

"Why don't you start acting it," Dad?

Look at it this way. The day can only get better.

Great, then can I stay home from school?

Are you sorry we moved?

I hate it here.

Guess you miss your friends, huh?

Mom, it's killing me.

You know, the realtor, Mr. Coleman, he had a kid about your age.

Ronnie Coleman's a toad.

Well, he seemed like a nice kid to me.

Great, then you can invite him over for milk and dead flies.

I would, but your father ate 'em all.

[snickers] [crash]

[man on radio] The stock market tumbled sharply as the slide most were anticipating finally happened.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average... Brian!

[radio continues indistinct]

My bike! You ran over it!

My car. Whose fault is this, Brian?

Uh-uh, no way. I parked it right over there. Right there.

Oh, right, right. So, before I got in the car, I went around and put the bike there myself? Forget it, Charlie.

First my shirt, now this. I'm 15 minutes late here.

What do you expect me to do with my bike?

Look, it-- it's destroyed!

Well, you're gonna have to learn to ride it like that.

You're grounded for two weeks, no TV for three, and you can forget about your allowance till that car is paid up.

Glen, isn't that a little rough? Holly, don't make me the villain here.

So, Dad, you mean to tell me that my bike is ruined, and your car has a little dent in it, I'm being punished?

That's not fair!

Somebody put it there, Brian.

[Todd] And it didn't slime you. You sure?

Sure I'm sure. I think I'd know if I was slimed.

And it didn't go into the closet? You know, like, to rip something off?

Nope. What about your desk?

It didn't do your geography homework, did it?

Look, Todd, I never would've told you about this, but--

Okay, all right.

So, this is an exclusively under-the-bed phenomenon we're dealing with here.

That's right, exclusively under my bed.

It really was a monster.

Really? What did it look like? I don't know.

[both] Hi, Kiersten.


[bus driver] Slow down!

Eric, you toad.

Why aren't you riding your bike?

What bike? Dad ran over it because you left it in the driveway.

No way. Your bike?

No way! Look, I put it away.

Mom and Dad sure wouldn't touch it. So that only leaves you.

I didn't touch your bike.

I can hardly reach the pedals.

All right, that's it. You lie to me, you starve.

My lunch! You jerk, I didn't do anything!

Oh, yeah, right. And what about that ice cream?

You snuck some ice cream last night, too, didn't ya?

Forget it. Don't blame it on me.

The monster. That's it.

That's what it was doing. There are no monsters.

[grunts, thuds]

Who's Eric? [kids] Uh-oh.

Who's the Eric who threw his lunch at me?

[whispers] He did.

You Eric?

You want this back?

[bus driver] Sit down back there!

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Like Bigfoot.

Maybe I will.

[brakes squeal] [grunts]

[children laughing]

Get back in your seats or I'll destroy every one of you!

You're dead meat, Stevenson.

[laughter continues]



[Ronnie] Stevenson!

If it's the last thing I do today, I'm gonna make you eat this shirt.

[kids chanting] Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Listen, Coleman, I'm surprised you haven't eaten it already.

Huh? Huh? Why you...

[boy] Nail his head!

The principal!

[boy] Cool it, man. Here comes Turner!

[boy 2] Come on, cool it, guys.

Break it up. Break it up.

Break it up!

What is going on here?

Sir, I was just showing Brian what he did to my shirt and he pushed me away. Oh, come on--

Stevenson, you're new here, aren't you? Yes, sir.

Well, I think we'd better have a little talk in my office.

You have rules to learn.

Toodles, Bri. [laughs]


[flips light switch]

[gasps] Whoa!

There's enough power in here to light up Yankee Stadium.

Already out on parole? Very funny.

So what's up, Miss Deveaux?

You really wanna know or you're just askin'?

I really wanna know. [camera clicks]


Disgusting. Your face may corrode the camera.


This is cool. Don't touch. It's fragile.

It's a night-blooming cactus.

I wanna see if artificial sunlight changes its normal blooming pattern.

I'm training it to bloom in the daytime.

To be scientific, I document the results with Polaroids.

Hey, you know what?

If you mounted the camera in one spot, like, upside down, you could take a whole bunch of pictures and make them into like, you know, like a movie.

Here, look.

Like time-lapse photography. That's great.

Yeah, um, so I guess it's all set.

Me and you will team up on the project. Forget it, Brian.

I'll end up doing all the work. No chance.

Find somebody else to leech off of.

Hey, all right. You know what?

Think about it, take your time. You'll probably change your mind.


Hey, if you say there's no monster, then switch rooms with me.

What? Switch rooms with me.

Yeah, you sleep in Eric's room and he sleeps in your room.

You just want my room. Nuh-uh.

I want you to prove me wrong.

I dare you to switch rooms. Double dare.

Relax, toad. I double dare you to switch rooms.

Will you guys take a hike? [Eric] I'll pay you.

Okay, toad.

Brian, you gotta stay the whole night and you gotta sleep with your legs sticking out of the covers.

And you have to have the door closed.

Oh, God, please, stop. I can't take it, you're frightening me.

Eric, Todd, it's time for bed.

Hey, you guys, don't touch anything in my room.

Good night, Dad. Good night, Mr. Stevenson.

Good night.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Bri.

You know, I think it's really nice of you to switch rooms with Eric like this.

I'm proud of you. Thanks.


Personally, I think you guys are both kinda nuts about this, uh, monster thing, but if you happen to see him tonight... Yeah?

...could you maybe get me some autographs or--

Okay, okay. Yes!

Okay, I'll get your autographs! Stop tickling!

[Todd] So the girl's waiting for her roommate to get back.

She's getting real scared.

Oh, yeah, her room's on the second floor.

So she's waiting. It's probably the darkest night ever.

Suddenly, from outside she hears, "Thump-thump.

Thump-thump. '' So sh e g et s real brave.

She inches her way to the door.

She hears it again.

"Thump-thump. Thump-thump."

So this girl is standing by the door and the "thump-thump" is getting louder and louder.

So she opens the door and screams.

But she won't come out.

She looks out, terrified as her roommate comes up the stairs.

Only the axeman cut off all her arms and legs.

She's dragging herself up by her chin.

Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

Phenomenally incredible, huh?

It really happened?

I'm deadly serious, man.

My brother Freddie told me it happened to a friend of a friend of a distant cousin of a cousin of ours.

[scoffs] [knocking in pattern]

[knocking continues]



[TV playing quietly]

[man] Please, oh, pl e as e, no!

Someone please help!

Pl e as e! Help me, please!

Go away! Go away!


[object scrapes]


[whispers] Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian, you okay?

Looks like you got two weird phenomenons in your house-- a monster and a giant chicken.

Double or nothing.


[muffled] Can I be excused? Yes.


Eric wanted you to have this.

Hi, Mom.


Brian, are you all right?

Fine, Mom. Never felt better.

Oh, well, then what are you doing in bed at 9:15 at night?

School, Mom.

It's a big day ahead of me. Big, big, day.

Sounds nice, Brian. Why don't I believe you?

It's the new me.


Well, I guess I'll see the brand-new, all-new you in the morning.


I love you.

[light chuckle] I love you, too, honey.

Good night. Good night.




[monster burps, growls]

[crunching continues]







Dad, a mons... ter.

What are you doing, Brian?

What the hell is going-- look at this mess.

What the hell am I stepping in? Doritos? Jesus.

I'll clean 'em up. You're damn right you will.

Get back in that bed, mister.

Dad, wait a minute. There was a monster here.

You gotta believe me. A monster.

Brian, it's a pile of clothes. You're wrestling a pile of clothes.

What's so funny?

After you finish cleaning this room tomorrow, you're gonna clean out the garage. [doorknob rattles]

And after the garage, you're gonna cut the hedges.

But it wasn't my fault.

After the hedges, you're gonna mow the lawn.

It wasn't my fault. Good night.



[grunts, growling]

[growling stops]




[growling continues]

Boo. [laughs]

Keep an eye out for monsters! [laughs]

Uh-uh. [laughs]

I'll scream. Scream? Good idea.

You scream, your dad's gonna come in here with a 12-gauge shotgun-- pow-- blow your head off.

Actually, I'll scream. [inhales]

Shut up! [coughs]

Great. [dry heaves]

Actually, your dad's gonna come in here and find Dorito puke all over the floor.

What's he gonna say, huh? Wow, baseball cards!

I love baseball cards.

Got 'em, got 'em, need 'em, got 'em, got 'em, got 'em, need 'em, got 'em, need 'em, need 'em, got 'em, need 'em, need 'em, got 'em, got 'em, need 'em.

Oh, a football.

He goes to the 25 yard line, the 50 yard line, the 40 yard line.

Stevenson, go for the long bomb.


Light! The sun! The sun! The sun!

Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go!

[growls] Ow.

Ooh, oh, ow.

Ooh, whoa, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow. Ah.

Okay. Horns. Great! [scoffs]

Great, now nobody's gonna recognize me.

I gotta get under the bed.

I gotta go under-- No!


What's happening?

I gotta get back. I gotta go.

I gotta go. I gotta-- oh.

What's going on?

Bacon and eggs, kid.

What do you want, sunny side up or over easy, huh?

You're dying.


It's the sunlight, isn't it?

First it disfigures you, then it kills you.

Nah, you're mixing me up with that pansy with the red cape.

Please. Ow.

I have to--

I have to get under the bed before-- before the sun totally rises.

Uh-uh, no way. You wrecked my bike.

You've been pulling stuff, trying to get me in trouble.

Brian. Bri-- please. [sobbing]



[laughs] Hey, bud. The name's Maurice and I'll catch ya later.

[announcer] He finds Ainge. DJ, straight away 20. No.

Rebound New York.

Michael Jack-- Mark Jackson.

[changes channel]

[announcer 2] Fastball inside to Schmidt--

[changes channel] [announcer] Back in a hurry. Oh, nice.

This is ridiculous! I want my remote. Where the hell is it?

How am I supposed to watch TV without the remote, huh?

Have you, by any chance, seen a piece of sandpaper or a paintbrush around here the last few days?

Huh? [announcer] Now Reggie.

Straight away foul line. No.

[TV continues playing in background]

Well, yeah, sure, there was one.

But there are no more, right?

Right. Your room is monster-free.

So I'll be taking my master suite back tonight.

[announcer] 16 to go. [announcer 3] He's tired. DJ is tired.

Brian! Eric!

Hey, Bri, Eric? Have you guys seen the remote thing?

I've got the Celtics, the Sox, and the Masters are on.

I can't-- I can't switch without the-- you know, the remote.

I didn't take it, Dad!

Well, then, where--

God damn this house.

[crickets chirping]


[Eric screams] Mom, a monster!

Hey, why'd you change rooms with that whiffle ball, huh?

You know, he's gonna have a heart attack by the time he's 10.


Ow... I get it!

All right, so, like, when it gets darker, your eyeballs get bigger, but then when the lights go on, you turn into clothes.

Oh, brilliant, Bri. Just brilliant.

You must be in, what? At least grade two?

Six. [gasps] A worldly scholar.

Super. I love it. Now how about lighting a candle?

These lights are painful, man. No way.

I have enough problems without you running around getting me into more.

You got your stupid remote control back. Now turn off the lights.

Hey, what about the batteries? I ate 'em for breakfast.

I'd give 'em to you right now, but AA batteries constipate me, okay?

Maybe a little later? That's gross.

Hey, and what about my bike? I'll get you a new bike.

Just get me out of these clothes!

Shh! Honest, I'm burning up.

My inseams are on fire!

All right, but any funny moves and you're clothes.

[electricity zaps]


Grazie, boy. Grazie.

Oh, you're a pretty sharp kid.

You're-- oh, you're ugly, but you're sharp.


Wait, wait, wait. Let me get it. Let me get it.

[exclaims, chomps]

[spits] You know, I thought it was something good, but it's snot.


I've been in this business now, what, well over 200 years, and I've never been trapped once.

How old are you? Eleven.

Wow, and I ain't gettin' any prettier. [laughs]

Hey, dude. Come here, bud.

You don't know it yet, but tonight it is your lucky night.

What do you mean? I mean--

Oh, oh, I know. You're gonna grant me three wishes, right?

Wishes? [scoffs]

Wishes? Wishes are bush-league leprechaun, pal.

I'm a monster, okay? Okay, listen to this.

I'm a monster, and monsters don't do wishes.

Then what do monsters do? Good question.

I have the time of my life.

[Tarzan yell echoes]

Ta-da! How do you do that?

It's magic, chump. It is.

You just gotta be handsome and gorgeous like me or have somebody handsome and gorgeous like me show you how.

[echoes] Brian Stevenson, come on down.

I can't.

"Can't." Ooh, I hate that word.

Ooh, ooh, that word's like caca to me.

No, can't, can't. You can't jam a basketball.

You can't have a hand grenade go off in your lap and survive.

Those things you can't do.

But you can take a walk on the wild side.

Well, I mean, look. I mean, even if I do go, how do I know I'm gonna be able to come back?

Listen to me.

What goes on down there is every kid's fantasy. [laughs]

Imagine, if you will... imagine a world solely of kids, kids that just wanna have fun.

And make trouble.


Trouble is our code of honor.

It's our blood, our life support system.

It's our raison d'ĂȘtre. That's French.

Do they all look like you?

Only the good-looking ones. [laughs]

Think of it, Bri. No teachers, no rules, no homework.

No parents. You hear me, boy?

I said-- I said no parents. No parents.

Man, that alone is worth all the money in the world.

It's about leaving your clothes wherever it is you wanna leave 'em.

It's about never having to clean up after you eat.

It's about never worrying about being on time. Whoa!

It's about staying up late, watching whatever it is you wanna watch on TV.

You wanna watch Letterman?

You wanna watch the Playboy Channel?

It's about nailing somebody that bugs you in a way that you never dreamed possible.

What's that? [laughs]

It's about total, 100%, unadulterated, where's-the-beef anarchy!

Brian, it's about freedom.

Freedom to live life the way the creators of this planet intended it.

Man, that sounds great.

What do you say, bud? You ready?

Maurice, I was born ready.

But first I'm gonna need some insurance.

Whoa, there, thunder. No, no, no candles, matches.

Even something festive like this-- this would be nice.

But absolutely nada-- no bright light.

Okay, bud? Oh, all right, all right, all right.

If you wanna take it, I'm tellin' ya, we gotta hide it.

Okay, sure. Okay? Sure. Come on.





Hey, bud.

Come on. Whoa. What is this place?

I mean, I thought the dining room was under Eric's room.

Well, we're not in Kansas anymore, bud. [laughs]

Come on, take a look at this.

Take a gander, Bri. Ain't it amazin'?




Yo, Brian, move 'em out.

We're burning nightlight, pard'. Come on, come on, come on.

Oh. Hey, Maurice. Like the horns.


I never forget a face.

It's the other one I can't remember. Get outta here, bud.

Come on, Brian.

Did not. Did not. Did not. Did, too. Did, too. Did, too.

Hey, Owl, Rigsbut, this is my new bud.

Hi, bud. Hi, the name's Brian.

Hi, Brian. Bud.

Brian. Brian. Brian. Bud. Bud. Bud.

[argument continues]

Wait a second.

What are all these stairs and ladders for?

Good question, bud.

Every one of these staircases leads to some poor soul's bedroom.

It's like-- let me put this simply.

It's a veritable cornucopia of mischief.

Hi, Maurice. Hey, come here. Come here.

What's that on your shirt? Where? Aw.

Get outta here. Let me show you around.

Let me show you straight.

Don't do it. "I have to do it!"

Don't do it. "Nobody likes me! Good-bye, cruel world!"

[laughs] [crashes]

Gomer, Brian. Brian, Gomer.

Any friend of Maurice is a friend of mine.


You're gonna love this place. What?

All right, the magic word.

Oh, I forget the magic word.

It's, uh-- it's, uh... Think, think!


["Let's Go" by The Paladins playing] That's it! Come on, bud!

Shoot, shoot, shoot! How you doing? Strike!

Oh, rock 'n' roll!

Dance with me, babe. Sure.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

One, two. [game beeping, dinging]

["Let's Go" continues]

Yeah. That's neat, Bri.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Free ball, free ball!

Hey. Hey, what are you doing?

You're gonna tilt it! I know the place-- ow!

[game dinging, beeping]

Kiddo, baby, honey, bubby.

Open your eyes. Don't ya know?

Down here there's no such thing as tilt.

[pinging, zapping]

[Maurice] Go. Win it, boss. Win it! [Brian] Come on, Maurice, go!

This is my favorite place on the whole planet.

Every craving you've ever craved.

Every flavor you've ever flaved.

[laughs] And the best part is, you don't see any parents telling the kids what they can't eat, do ya?


Do ya? No!

[monster] Must get beef!


'Za, I love 'za.


For later.

Laces tied together.

Hey, somebody wants you over there.

What? Right there, yeah.

Whoa! [both laugh]

Hey, you hurt me. Hey, don't fight.

Did not. Did, too.

Oh, look, somebody dropped a quarter.

Whose is it? Don't know. Don't know.

Hey, let me give you a hand with that. Oh, yeah, me, too.

Oh. Oh, uh-oh.

Hey, Maurice. Hey, Schmoog.

Who's the drip? Hey, ease off, bud.

This young man, he saved me from a fatal case of sunburn, so I decided to give him the grand tour.

[laughs] Oh, well... you got a brat in Cleveland. A brat in Cleveland.

An imp in Atlanta. An imp in Atlanta.

And a twerp in Boston.

And a twerp in-- and a dweeb giving me all this.

Raise hell tonight.

And show him how it's done.

[laughing] I will.

Biting-- Wait a second.

You're not gonna tell me there's an airport in this place, are you?

[scoffs] Brian, come on.

Does it look like these hunchbacks can handle a plane?

It's magic.

That was pretty neat, huh? Yeah.

See, down here distance is like time.

Yeah? And time is like... it's like polyester with an Acrylon blend.

[pounds] Whoa, where are you, bud?

Wait a second.

This is somebody else's house.

No. Duh.

Where'd you park the squad car, Dick Tracy?

Come on. [whispers] Hey, hey, look.

Hey, chill out, babe, okay? I mean, you're quick.

That's good instinct, but it's a little... primitive, huh?

Whoa, not now, Harold.


Isn't he sweet?

I bet you he's dreaming about puppies and his favorite baseball player.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, not for long.

[yells] [screams]

["I Wanna Yell" by Billie Hughes begins]

[both laugh]

Yellow. Yellow.


Blue, blue. Blue, blue.


[scratches record] Ah...

["I Wanna Yell" continues]


All right. Never above 3'6".

Three foot six? Ooh.

Always against white.

Looks good against white. Yeah.

You know, Bri, we live in a world dedicated to wreaking hell on an entire nation of kids.

Kids, hey, they're not that bad. Mm-hmm.

We're the reason kids get locked in their rooms.

We're the reason brothers hate their sisters.

We're also the reason that parents send their kids back to camp.

[Brian laughs] I love it!

[laughs] I'm alive!

Maurice, Maurice, is there any way I can make, like, a special stop?

I wanna check somebody out.

Oh, you're too good.

You're just too damn good!


[Maurice] Whoa, something stinks.

Look at Ronnie Coleman, with his little teddy bear and thumb.

This is classic.

What's this? What's this? Oh, oh.

Ronnie's sandwich. Ronnie's sandwich.

Yeah. All right.

What flavor-- what is it? What is it?

[sniffs] Tuna fish.

Ooh, it stinks. Yes.

Cat food.




Perfect. And then--

Hoo-hoo. Wrap it nicely.

And then you bake it in the oven 350 degrees.

Okay. Okay, ready? All right, yeah.

Turn it face up. All right.

They'll never notice.

What, what, what?

Apple juice? So what? Hold it.

Yeah, what?

You're drinking it?

Maurice, that's disgusting.


What is that all about? [burping]

And good for you, too.

[laughs] What are you doing?

[urinating] All right, Maurice!

That's great!

All right, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, boy, what'd you eat today, man.

Ronnie's gonna be pissed. No kidding.


[both laughing, vocalizing]

Hiy-- ow.


I feel like I have been on vacation for a week.

Cool, bud.


My dad's getting up in 10 minutes.

Whoa, that means the sun comes up in five.

Okay, bud.

I can't bear to see anybody go up there without protection.

Those UVs can be pretty dangerous, if you know what I mean.

Thanks. Yeah.

Visiting hours are over at dawn, so unless you want a new residence or a set of horns, we'd better book, bud, okay?

I suppose you're going to tell me your sister did this.


I'm innocent! I'm innocent! I'll take a lie-detector test!

[mother] If you didn't do it, who did?! I don't know!

[father] Peter!

[mother 2] It's because I'm working, isn't it?

[father 2] Son, doll hair never grows back.

[mother 3] What made you think the cat needed a shave?

[father 3] Do you want to go to military school?

[teacher] Good morning, Mr. Stevenson!

["Magic of the Night" by Billie Hughes begins]

[bell rings]


Move it. [thuds]


Hey, what's with the glasses, Rip Van Winkle?

I had a late night.

I bet you were up real late working on your science project.

Actually, I never thought of it that way.

Well, mine's all finished.

Great. Mm.

["Magic of the Night" continues]

[spits] Piss!

Who put piss in my apple juice?

Yes! Gross!

Yes! Yes! All right!

[spits] [boy] Ew, he spit piss on the principal!

["Magic of the Night" continues]


[laughs] A natural.

No-holds-barred, dyed-in-the-wool, no-assembly-required natural.



"What"? What do you think?

Geez, I thought I was quick, but you, you, you, Scooby Doo, you're already moving through the shadows.

No, I'm not. No, you're not?

No. No.

You pulled me through.

Get out of town. Fine, fine, fine.

Don't believe me, but I'm tellin' ya one thing, buddy boy.

It was a lot easier pulling you through tonight than it was last night.


Oh. [laughing] Maurice, why'd you do that?

[laughing continues]

Oh! Nice ass.

I'm good in Twister, too. Wow.


Not even my mother sees me in my boxer shorts.

Well, do you ever see her in hers?

Say, Bri, don't you have any cheese in your life, bud?

Cheese? What kind?

"Madem-oiselles." What?

Squeeze, tomatoes, broads, chicks, girls.

I said, girls.

Don't you have anybody else in your life besides your mother who wears an over-the-shoulder boulder holder?



I think your babe just barked.

So, uh, what's this Kiersten dame like, huh?

Personally, I'm a-- I'm a wart and mole kind of guy.

Huh? Huh?

Hey, I'm talkin' to you.

Oh, well, she's pretty neat, but she is a girl.

You know, real smart, always knows the answer, always raises her hand.

Always has her homework done? Exactly.

[laughs] I amaze me.

Okay, Gumby, showtime.

I don't believe it. She likes me.

I thought she hated me.

Why would anybody hate you, Bri? All you are is ugly.

Hey, Brian, Brian, I want you to meet a couple friends of mine.

This is Barbie and this is Midge.

These chicks are so close to my heart.

No, it's just that ever since we moved here, I haven't really been able to make friends other than you, and I never thought anybody really cared, least of all Kiersten.

Oh, Brian.

Every-- everybody cares.

It's just that-- it's just that certain people have a different way of showing it.

Some people are more giving than other people, right?

There ya go, bud. Enjoy yourself.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'll keep this.

Hey, look at her flipbook.

[laughs] Isn't this neat? I can't believe it.


You know, I thought of this. I gave her this idea.



Man's best friend-- his right hand.


Good boy. Good boy.

[thunder crashing]

[Glen] Fine, I won't stay here anymore.

I'll just sleep in the office and send you the check.

I wouldn't notice the difference.

That's all you want from me, my paycheck.

Well, that's not all I want from you. That's all I get.

I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. "I've Got a Headache."

We don't even need a door because we're always fighting.

[Glen] Fine, we won't fight anymore.

[Holly] Take away the fighting, there's nothing left of our marriage at all!

[Glen] Keep your voice down.

Brian? [Holly] Now you care about the kids?

[argument continues]

Brian? Can I have a flashlight?


[monster] Oh, shit! [monster 2] It's Snik!

[all screaming] [monster 3] It's Snik! It's Snik!

Run, run, run!

Arn, Arn, Arn.


You know, Boy gets what he wants.

When he asks you for a favor, you should take that as a compliment.

But I tried. You've gotta believe me, Snik. I tried.

Oh, you tried, did you, Arnold?

Well, you didn't try hard enough!

My knees, they hurt! Oh, your knees hurt?

That's not all that's gonna hurt, Arnold. You know why?

'Cause I'm gonna take my big thumb and jam it in your eye!

Now I'm gonna take my finger and put it in the corner of your mouth, and I'm gonna rip the corner of your mouth out.

[laughs] That's good for a laugh, isn't it? Huh?

You're scared of me, aren't you, Arnold?

Oh, I like that. [chomping]


I love that.

But do you know what I like even more than that, Arnold?

I like taking my two big, black leather-gloved hands and grabbing your head and tearing it off!

[yells, laughs]

Hey, hey! Boy gets what he wants!

Hey, remember, Boy always gets what he wants!

Never, ever, ever forget that!

Ever! [laughs]

[Brian] Well, you didn't have to mess up her room.

[scoffs] Bud, there's one rule.

It's you never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever get emotionally involved with the victim, ever.

Maurice, she was starting to like me.


I can't wait to see her tomorrow.

[baseball bat cracks] [glass shatters]

[crowd cheering]

Let me show you this, bud. You're gonna love this.

Yeah. This is great.

[laughing] [laughs] Look, look.

[cheering continues]

How do you play this?

Whoa! [crowd cheering]

Come here. It's simple. Let me show you, bud.

All right, we get the shit... Uh-huh.

...we smash the shit... Yes.

...and then we put the shit back. It's called monsterball.

We do the bashin', you get the thrashin'.

Let's play ball. Come on, bud.

["(I Love the Sound of) Breaking Glass" by Berton Averre plays]

[monster] Oh, my God! [monster 2] My God!

Rawr! [yells]

[roaring] No, no, please!

Hang on!

He's a new kid. He's with me.

He's with me, Snik. Maurice.

No one should ever, ever, ever come this close to Boy's stairway.

Right. Never, ever, ever come this close to Boy's stairway.

[fly buzzing] Hey, kid, you want a fresh fly?

No, no!


I could break his neck, Maurice. I could.

Let's drop him. [laughs] No! He's just kidding.

Snik, think of this.

Dead people have limited potential, and I don't think that Boy would like damaged goods.

But it's your responsibility and--

No, no, he's your responsibility, Maurice.

Right. My respons-- When you screw up, I drop you!

That's fair. Let's go, bud.

Oh, my back. [groans]

Go on, run. Go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go. [sighs]

Damn it, Maurice, who was that?

Who, Snik? Yeah.

Ah, all talk. Just a big mouth.

And ever since he developed that hump, he's been such a bitch.

But you learn to stay away from Snik and this staircase.

Okay, bud? No kidding.

Let's move it. You're such a doll. [laughs]

Come on.

[Eric] But he wasn't there.

[Todd] Was the window open? I don't know, I didn't check.

Hmm. Maybe he went outside.

Maybe he stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. I bet that's it.

At 4:00 in the morning? Hmm.

...with the ashes and how they preserved the city of Pompeii--

[boy] Was that visible? Yes, it was very-- you brought that up. Great. And I think that--

Well, Mr. Stevenson, thank you for joining us.

Please come in.

You're just in time for Kiersten's presentation.

Kiersten, are you ready?

Yes, I am, Mr. Finn. Oh, look at this.

[kids] Wow. Wonderful.

Thank you.

Do you have your research report? Yes.

[Finn] Okay.

[students murmuring]

I-- I thought I did.


I guess my dog chewed it up.

Oh, right, you don't even have a dog. [kids laughing]

[Finn] All right, that's enough. [Kiersten] It's not funny.


Oh, hey, Brian! Nothing to worry about. Only a drill.

Hey, pard', what's with the light? Something personal?

Yeah, you. Me?

Your only friend in the whole world?

[yells] Whoa! Window pain!

My used-to-be only friend in the whole wide world.

You messed up Kiersten's homework.

What? What did I do to the homework?

You chewed it up. You destroyed it.

You know she got a zero because of you?

Brian, I was hungry, okay?

And it just so-- it just so happened at that moment I had a craving for a six-page paper on the daytime blooming of a nighttime cactus.

And I'll tell you something else. I got incredible heartburn from that.

I can't believe you did that.

I asked you not to and you just went ahead and did it anyway.

Brian, I happened to have a--


You like her, don't you?

No, I don't. Mm, yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. ? Brian's got a girlfriend ?

? Brian's got a girlfriend ?

No, I don't! ? Brian's got a girlfriend ?

? Brian's got a girlfriend. ? Yes, you do.

Would it help the boo-boo if I said I was sorry, huh?

Here, look, just go back to your dumb underworld and leave me and Eric alone.

Dad, what is it?

Hey, Brian, come downstairs with me.

Your mom and I want to talk to you and Eric for a minute.

You want a ride? Sure, Daddy.

We wanted to talk to the both of you because, well... your mother and I have come to a decision and it affects all of us.

We figure you're grown-up enough to understand.

Mom and I have decided that we're not gonna live together for a while.

[scoffs] A business trip?

No, honey, not exactly.

Eric, don't you get it? They're getting a divorce.

No, Brian, we are not getting a divorce.

Yeah, right.

It's just that your father and I need to work some things out and we feel it would be better--

Look, it's just, like-- it's a trial separation.

Oh, God, sorry. That's what you do before you get a divorce.

Brian, we're not getting a divorce. [scoffs]

So Dad's not leaving? Eric...

Good. ...listen to me.

I have to live in the city for a while. Hopefully it won't be for long.

No, you don't have to go. Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

But, look, we'll get to talk every day.

I'll be good, I promise. I'll be better.

You won't have to go live in the city.

I swear to God I'll be better.

Brian, too. He promises, right?

Eric, it's not your fault.

And it's not Brian's fault.

It isn't anybody's fault.

It isn't anybody's fault.


Bri, you all right? Oh, yeah, Dad. I'm just fine.


I heard it all.

Sucks, huh?

Yep. It's not too good.

I hate them. No, you don't.

No, you don't. At least you have a family.

Believe it or not, you're the only real friend I have.

Why do you think I keep coming back? If I didn't like you, I'd have your parents blaming you for the shooting of Abe Lincoln.

Come on down, it'll cheer you up. Come on.

I don't really feel like being cheery.

Oh, Bri, baby. Pranks, snacks, games.

It'll take away the hurt. Come on.

You know what we could do? We could go see Kiersten.

We'll bring her flowers.

Ooh, I've got a great idea.

We'll go to Ronnie Coleman's and we'll loosen all the bolts on his furniture.

What do you say, huh?

It'll be quick. It's good for your bones.

Cross my heart and hope to die. Come on.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Okay. All right!

Whoo! Come on.

[both vocalize]

All right! [both groan]



Uh, you all right, bud? Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, where's the party?

Night-light out at the Grossbergs'. Oh.

Coming through. New guy.

Coming-- excuse me. Move over. Come on, bud.

Is the line with the tickets?

[laughs] Come on, bud. Whoo, new guy.

["Little Bitty Pretty One" by Bobby Day plays]

Hey, bud.

We're here. [laughs]

Bri, I'd like you to meet some of my friends.

This is Sherry, Debbie, Pumpkin, Bernie.

This is great. Well, let's do it, man.

This is fun. Scare the hell out of her, Bri.

Go ahead, Tonto. Make her poop her Pampers.

Make her doodie her diapers. Make her caca her crib.

Watch this, he's great. Go ahead, bud.

Maurice, it's just a little baby.

Baby, baby, baby. It's our duty, man. This is a character builder.

Come on, Tonto. Scare the hell out of her.

[chuckles] Watch this, guys. Watch this.

Go ahead. Go.

Scare the hell out of her.

Boo. "Boo"?

Boo. "Boo"? What are you, the boo fairy?



Stop it. [growling]

Come on, stop it!

Oh, Brian, relax, okay?

Maurice, this is cruel.


[baby crying] [monsters laughing]

[monster] Baby. [laughing continues]

[monster] Light! Brian!


Whoa! [thuds]

Todd, are you okay? What happened?



I'm shrinking.

Something's wrong.

So, um, how are the kids taking it?

Oh, they're fine. Eric went to school.

Brian stayed home. He's upstairs... sawing the legs off all the beds.


Okay, so, I guess each kid just has his own way of dealing with it.

Beats being an axe murderer in 10 years.

[woman laughs] Yeah.

[Snik groaning] Just give me a second. I can-- I'll--

We almost had him.

He was becoming one of us!


He knows our secrets, Maurice.

He's harmless. I'll tell ya--

You know what? Let's leave him alone. We'll just leave him alone and--

You just don't get it, Maurice.

Sometimes Boy gets a little lonely. He wanted to play with him.

Why doesn't he just play with himself?

[laughs] "Why doesn't Boy play with himself"?

Yeah. [laughs]

Come here. No, don't get me upset, Snik.

You know what happens when I get upset.

You know what happens when I get upset.

That's it, I'm upset.

[squeaks, hisses]

What the hell is that?

I don't know. That's what happens when I get upset.



You know something? What? No.

I don't like you, Maurice. You're always trying to be so funny.

Well, I got a little riddle for you. Okay.

What happens when Boy doesn't get what he wants?

I don't know. I have a hunch.

[coughs] Hunch?

Is that my hunch you're talking about, Maurice?

Oh, no, no, no. I take it back.

Back? Hunchback?! No!

You bring a kid in here, you tell him our secrets?

[cracks] [Maurice] My horn!

If you can't get him, I will.

[Snik growling]

[Snick laughs]

[Eric] Mom!


Brian. Wake up, wake up.

Eric's gone. Have you seen him? Do you know where he went?

Gone? He's gone?

Look, Brian, if you know anything, tell me right now.

He's not in his room? No.

Do you think he went to see Daddy?

He wouldn't do that, would he? No.

Todd's house. Maybe he's there.


Come on, toad, be awake.

All right.

Go away!

Toad, come on! I need you and every spare flashlight you have in the house now!

Leave me alone, Brian. You're one of them.

Todd, listen to me. They have Eric!

Who has Eric? The monsters. They kidnapped him.

Kidnapped him? Which monsters?

The little monsters!

[pebble clacks]



Hi, Kiersten. Brian, what's wrong?

I know you're not gonna believe it, but I need some help on my science project.

Is this some sort of prank?

No, I'm serious. Look, I need your key to get into the supply room.

It's an emergency. I need some lights.

Do you expect m e to believe that?

It defies every rule known to the scientific mind.

Oh, so you don't believe me? Well, watch this.

Holy shit!


[footsteps running]


Okay, let's hope this works.

[Todd] Oh, man! That'll get 'em. That's like a howitzer or something.

[Kiersten] You must know a lot about electricity to do that.

How come you get Fs in science?

Let's go. Yeah.

[Kiersten] What are you doing?

I'm setting my alarm for sunrise. [Todd] What the heck for?

All right, when this goes off, we have three to five minutes.

If we're not up before the sun clears the horizon, we turn into monsters.

Monsters. [Todd] Monsters?

You mean there's a chance we might not make it?

Well, yeah, of course there's a chance.

I know where Eric is, but I'm not leaving until I have thim.

Are you still in? You don't have to.

I'm in. Eric's my best friend.

Come on, let's go. Wait a minute.

Where are you going? You're not leaving without me.

In the name of science, I'm going.

Okay. Let's do it.

You can't get through without me.

Hold on. Ready?

I'm ready.

[Todd] Whoa! [Kiersten] Whoa!

It's a parallel dimension. [Kiersten] Wow.

Gimme that! My knapsack!



[monster] Light!

Light! Light! [screaming]


[monsters screaming] Light! Light!


This way.

[monsters groaning]

That's the master staircase.

It goes up to Boy's room.

[Todd] Who's Boy? The guy who runs this place.

Stick with me. I know the way.


Careful. It's a long way down.

[doors clang shut]

Brian Stevenson.

The real boy wonder.

What a pleasure it is to finally make your acquaintance.

Where's Eric?

And you brought some little playmates along with you. How nice!

Are they as tactful and fleet-footed as yourself? I daresay they don't look it.

I want my brother!

Now, Brian... what sort of a greeting is that?

After all, we are so much alike.

If you stay, you'll be the one in charge of yourself.

Perhaps this whole world... in time.

You'll be the one with the power, the authority.

Not your parents, not your teachers.



[whirring] [boy] Now, Brian... isn't that what you want?


[bear thuds] I want Eric now!

Brian... why such cruelty?

You're a very unique individual, Brian.

Your feat's unprecedented here.

Why, I can scarcely remember the last time one of our little breed had been trapped, not once but numerous times.

Enough wind, loafer breath! Hand over the kid!

Where is he? Let's see him!

Very well.

Let's have the contestants take a look behind curtain number one.

[buzzer sounds]


[Boy] Brian.

Let's make a deal.

It's your wits and grace that I desire, not those of your pugnacious chum or even your silly, mute little girlfriend.

I'll let them all go, and your brother... if you'll stay... and be my pal.

No deals.

Very well.

[gasps] Eric!

[Boy laughs] [gasps]

Let him go now!

I'll give you 10 seconds.

Ten, nine, eight... [hisses]

Be sensible, Brian.

Why lose five lives when you can gain four?

In an hour, you and your chums will all be monsters and then we can all play., six... Brian?

...five, four... [buzzer sounds]

Hi-ya! [laughs]

Let's blow 'em away, Brian!

...three-- let Eric go-- two, one!


[all scream]




Hi, are you looking for your brother?

Well, we've got him! [growling]

[laughs] [screams] No!

I had hoped we could be friends, Brian.

But evidently you don't play fair.

Boy, I haven't even begun to play. Let go!

Snik, show Brian to his room.

[growling] What? No!


Bye-bye, Brian!

Brian, it's you.

Todd, is Eric here?

Nope. Kiersten.


Maurice, what happened?

What happened? What happened?

Two inches lower and this bonehead would be talking to my lawyer, buddy boy.

You know him? He's a monster.

Yeah. Todd, Kiersten, this is Maurice.

Hi, pleasure to meet you. A monster?

I have an idea. We can generate light by wiring pencils to the phone.

Yo, babe, light from pencils?

[laughs] And I'm the Pope.

[Kiersten] Just like a carbon lamp from a projector.

Done. Todd, you crank.

Brian, you hold the pencils, and I'll slide the dirty laundry under the door.



Good idea. [Kiersten] Faster, Todd.

Go, toad, go! Go, toad, go! Faster!

Faster! I'm tryin'!

[Maurice] If at first... Come on!

... you don't succeed, try, try-- alive!


[grunting continues]

Okay, now, open the door.

Okay, Maurice, let us out.

Any of you freaks know how to pick a combination lock?

[groans] [sighs]

[laughs] Just jokin'.

What are you doing lying around? We got work to do, bud.

Where are you going?

To get some more firepower.

Well, you see--

Let's go.


All right, let's boogie.

Come on. Keep going, come on.

[snoring, chuckles]

Oh, Ronnie.

[Kiersten] Only the sunlamps.

[Todd] Oh, this is good.

[Brian] Oh, yeah. That's good.

Here we go!


Say good night, Boy!


Aw, shit! [screams]


[alarm beeping] [Todd] The beep!

We gotta get outta here.

Eric's here somewhere, I know it.

Come on!

Good luck.

[Snik] Oh.

Wait till I get my hand-- I'm gonna kick your butt with this boot.

I gotta get it together. I gotta get myself together.



Take the room. You guys take the box.

I got it. Right.

Nope, nothing in there. Nothing?

[Eric moaning] Brian? I'm here, Brian.

Help us with this one, guys. [Eric] Please.

[grunting] It won't budge.

Look, a crank, a crank. It won't budge.

[jack-in-the-box tune plays]

[Brian] Eric!

[all] Eric! All right, man.

Come on, let's get outta here. [Todd] Come on, let's get outta here.

Oh, shit!

[groans] How much time?

Maybe a minute. Great.

Coleman, you think you could take him? No way!

Looks like there's no way out!



Who is that guy?


Hey, Snik.

How about a light, bud?


Come on, let's go home!

[screaming continues]


[excited chatter]


Ding dong, the Snik is dead!

Yeah! [monster] Snik is dead! Snik is dead!

[monster 2] Snik is dead!

[thuds] Ow, ah.

[grunts] Brian, Brian.


Let's go. Sit down.

What? Brian. Sit down.


It's-- it's too late.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means we've dissected our last frog.

We're stuck. We're monsters.

Well, I can handle that.


Yeah, well, I can't.

Come on, follow me.

Whoa, where you going, bud?

West! [Eric] Hey, Brian, wait up!

Yeah, Brian. Brian.

Hey, Brian, wait up!


Come on! I'm coming!


Whoa, whoa.

Sun's up in St. Louis, bud.

[kids groan]

Phoenix! Phoenix! Where's Phoenix?

Huh, Phoenix? Thataway!

Thataway. Come on, kids.


Ah, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh.

Whoa, hey, Bob. Guess the sun's up, huh?

I got it. It's really smoking.

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah. Try California!


All right! [kids cheer]

Come on, kids! You're going home!

All right! We're coming!

Yeah. Here we go. Goin' home.

Going up. Yeah.


We're going home. You're going home.


Come on. We're going home, guys.

Come on. Radical, man. [laughs]

[Ronnie grunting]

Come on, yeah.

Come on, Ronnie.

Oh, pardon me, sir.


you're next.

Kinda wish I could stay.

You'd be a hero down here.

Maurice, my arm-- I mean, it turned to clothes last night.

Don't worry about that. You'll sleep that off.

Nothing's permanent unless you get trapped down here, bud.


But I suppose you gotta get up there

'cause you're gonna get married pretty soon.

Married? To who?

Well, to Lightbulb, Red.

Oh, Kiersten? No.

Just friends.




I guess that's what it's all about, huh?

Yeah. I guess.

You know what? What?

You're the best friend I've ever had.

Well... you're the ugliest friend I ever had.

But you belong up there. Come on.

I'm gonna miss you, Maurice.

I really am.

[Todd] Let's go, Brian. The sun's coming up.

There's no way I'm running to Hawaii.

Hang on. Hang on.

Oh, no, Maurice. Ah, just relax.

I can get another one.

How else are you gonna remember me, anyway?

[Eric] Come on, Brian. Let's go.

Bye, Maurice.


Remember, where there's a bed, there's a way.

Come on, buddy.

Yeah! [cheering]

["Road to Nowhere" by Talking Heads begins]

Come on, let's go!


[Todd] Come on! [Ronnie] Come on, Brian!

Let's go.



["Road to Nowhere" continues]


[phone ringing]

Hello? Mom, I've got Eric.

Oh, it's Brian. It's Brian.

He found Eric. Are they all right?

Are you all right? Yeah, we're fine.

Oh, they're all right. Thank God.

Hey, tell 'em I'm here. Look, Dad's here.

Stay right where you are. We'll come and pick you up.

Where are they? Where are you?

Malibu. They're in Malibu.

Malibu? Massachusetts?

Where the hell's that? Where the hell is that?

California. California.

California? How the hell'd they get there?

What on earth are you doing there?

Um, it's kind of a long story.

["Road to Nowhere playing]

? Takin' that ride to nowhere?

? We'll take that ride ?

? Maybe you wonder where you are?

? I don't care ?

? Here is where time is on our side?

? Take you there, take you there?

[instrumental break]

? We're on a road to nowhere ?

? Hah, hah ?

? We're on a road to nowhere ?

? Hah, hah ?

? We're on a road to nowhere ?

? Hah, hah ?

? There's a city in my mind ?

? Come along and take that ride?

? It's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? And it's very far away ?

? But it's growing day by day ?

? It's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? Would you like to come along? ?

? You can help me sing this song ?

? It's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? They can tell you what to do ?

? But they'll make a fool of you ?

? And it's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? There's a city in my mind ?

? Come along and take that ride?

? It's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? And it's very far away ?

? But it's growing day by day ?

? It's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? Would you like to come along? ?

? You can help me sing this song ?

? And it's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? They can tell you what to do ?

? But they'll make a fool of you ?

? And it's all right, baby, it's all right ?

? We're on a road to nowhere ?

? Hey ?

? We're on a road to nowhere ?

? Hey ?

? We're on a road to nowhere ?

? Hey, yeah ?

? We're on a road to nowhere. ?

[crunching, chewing]

[chips rustling] [crunching continues]

[Maurice burps]