Little Nicky (2000) Script

Let me show you what I made today.

I can't wait.

I need to go upstairs and change... and then I'll start dinner.


Oh, yes, it's ladies night, and the feel--

Showtime.

Rough day at the office, Mrs. Dunleavy?

You'll feel better once you get out of those work clothes.

And into some sweats.

I wish you'd let me rub those feet.

Of course, I wouldn't use my hands.

I think Victoria just told me her secret.

Deedly dee. Are those things for me?

Mom, coming in.

Scottie Dunleavy?

What unfortunate timing.

Get out. Don't you know this is naughty time?

I'll get it.

Hello, Scottie. Why don't you be a good little boy... go downstairs and let your mother get comfy?

Who is this?

This is a big bird who wants to see the rest of Mommy.

Oh, my God, Scottie. Is that a man up our tree?

No, no. Tell her it's just a big bird.


Hey, pal, welcome.

Welcome to what? Where am I?

Aren't you that horny guy who was pretending to be a big bird?

Checking out that beautiful mom?

Yes, I am.

Now you'll see what a big horny bird actually looks like... in Hell!

I deserve this!


Knock, knock. Hey, Jimmy.

What are you doing, Nicky? Just jamming.

Your father wants you and your brothers in the throne room.

He's not retiring today, is he?

He wants to talk to you and Cassius and Adrian... about who'll rule Hell for the next 10,000 years.

Why do I need to go? He won't pick me.

I happen to think you'd make a great Devil.

I'm not into evil and torture and all that stuff.

Plus, the Prince of Darkness should look distinguished... and let's face facts, I'm no George Clooney.

You're not a bad-looking guy, Nicky.

Look at that picture.

I used to talk normal, too... before Cassius hit me in the face with a shovel.

That's me now, and I accept it.

Your brothers are two of the sickest guys I've ever seen.

For some reason, you're not. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Their mothers were fire dragons and mine was a goat.

How do I compete with that?

Your mother was not a goat. They're just playing with you.

If one of those psychos gets picked, I'm doomed.

I knew it, Adrian. He's finally retiring.

Cassius, I've been waiting on this day for 10,000 years.

If the old man picks me to take over Hell...

I'll keep torture going 24-7. No breaks.

Whoa, mama!

You got him right in the eye.

Hey! How's Daddy's little girl doing today?

I didn't see you guys. What's up?

Shovel face, you want to mind-wrestle?

Nah, I'm all right.

I was thinking of chilling out by the throne for a bit.

I'm going to mind-wrestle you whether you like it or not.

I have to warn you, I'm getting pretty good at it.

Then I guess I can't make you do this.

Mercy. You win. I give. Game over.

What are you boys doing?

Nothing, Dad. Just hitting the old punching bags.

Cassius... didn't I tell you to stay out of your brother's mind?

I forgot.

Maybe this will help you remember.

Now, everybody come sit down.

Hey, Dad. Yes, son?

I know you got a lot on your mind... but I almost finished that Monsters of Metal compilation.

I really think it's turning into a masterpiece.

Okay, kid. We'll listen to it later.

Thanks.

A window.

Hello, Mr. Devil. I like your cape.

I deserve this!

Fellas, this, as some of you might know... is my 10,000th year as Prince of Darkness... so I think the time has come to discuss who will succeed me.

Knock, knock. Yes, Jimmy?

Don't forget-- you're shoving a pineapple up Hitler's ass at four p.m.

This was a very difficult decision... because I have three wonderful sons.

Adrian--so smart, so ruthless.

Wears makeup.

And Cassius-- so strong, so tough.

Don't forget clinically insane.

And Nicky... such a sweet boy.

But after much thought and careful consideration...

I've decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years... is going to have to be...

me.

What? Hallelujah!

I mean, that sucks!

The important thing for the stability of our rule... is to maintain the balance between good and evil... and I don't think any of you are ready for that responsibility.

Dad, this is bullshit!

I don't like that language.

Right. Send him in.

Sorry, boys. I have to get back to work.

It was good hanging with you, Dad.

I'll check you later.


You're serious?

Off, off, off!

Damn!

Twenty thousand years ago, Grandpa Lucifer said...

"It's better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven."

Well, I'm tired of serving in Hell.

We need somewhere where we can rule.

Bring it on, big man. Let's see what you got.

Could you concentrate for five seconds?

I am concentrating, man.

I'm sorry.

After careful consideration, I must respectfully decline.

I can't stand retirement.

Just let me win one Super Bowl.

In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul?

You're much too nice a guy for that, Mr. Marino.

You did it for Namath.

Joe was coming here anyways.

This sucks.

I'll go to the Super Bowl as an announcer... and win myself an Emmy!

That's the spirit.

You're a good Devil, Dad.

I also happen to be a Jets fan.

What do you think about Earth?

We could create our own Hell there.

Are you saying we go up there and kill everyone?

Eventually, Cassius... but first we'd have to corrupt as many souls as we can... so when we do destroy them...

Their damned souls will be ours.

It's our time, brother.

This is not good.

Whoa, whoa. Fellas, what are you doing?

We're leaving.

You can't go through there!

The fire flows in, not out.

You really suck!

Your Evilness!

Cassius and Adrian have escaped from Hell.

They went out through the fire and froze it.

I tried to stop them, sir, but they overpowered me.

Calm down. Get off your knees.

Thank you for understanding, Your Wickedness.

You're the man. I've always said that.

Are there boobs on my head?

Yeah. Big ones.

What's going on, Dad?

I'm going to die, Nicky. The gates are broken.

No new souls can get in, so I'll start to deteriorate.

What's with all those "hoo hoo" noises?

Everything's fine, Pop.

Everything's fine? Who are you bullshitting?

Last time you said that, the Renaissance happened.

Please, Pop, go back to your room.

Can I take him with me?

Sure, Pop. Whatever you want.

Tit-head, go with my father.

Not a damn soul is going to get through that.

This fire is solid as rock.

We got to get this bad boy burning again.

To do that, Cassius and Adrian... have to come back through the other way.

So go get them, Dad.

I'm too weak. The process has already begun.

So go get them, Jimmy.

I'm just a demon. No Devil blood in me.

I wouldn't last two minutes with your brothers.

Are you saying it's up to me?

You said no souls could get through that.

Nicky, are you a soul or the spawn of Satan?

I never been to Earth, Dad.

I never even slept over some other dude's house.

The worst thing that could happen is you get killed.

In which case, boom-- you end up back here.

So I need to go to Earth and kill my brothers?

No go. They left together at the exact same time.

They must come back together at the exact same time.

Here.

Get them to drink from this.

One sip, and they'll be trapped inside.

Once you've got both of them, bring it back through the gate.

Let me, sir.

Gross!

He's got less than a week.

Dad, I don't know if I can do this.

Son, you...

Try your best.


Earth.

It doesn't look too bad.

You were gone ten seconds. What happened?

I got hit by this big light attached to a lot of metal.

That's a train, son. Don't stand in front of them.

I'll have to take a mulligan on this one.

Please, Nicky, get back up there.

All right.

I'll get that for you, sir.

I'm Nicky.

That's terrific.

Now get off the track and come with me, handsome.

Welcome to Grand Central Station in New York City.

My name is Beefy.

I'm an old friend of your father's.

He asked me to help you out.

I just want to find my brothers and be on my way.

It's not going to be easy.

Your brothers can possess people... so they probably won't look like themselves.

You have to be suspicious of everyone.

All right, bro.

The jig is up, then. Get in the flask.

It ain't me, moron.

Sorry.

There's this blind guy outside you might think is possessed... but he's just crazy.

Though I cannot see with these blind eyes...

I know the good Lord still loves me.

He loves all of his children.

Why, he loves you... That's him.

...and he loves you.

Here he goes.

You make the Lord very nervous.

All right.

I'm burning now. Take it easy.

Hellfire is burning me alive!

He's burning.

The Beast is alive! He's among us!

Clear the streets! The Devil is here!

Making friends already.

I don't know what that guy's problem was.

It's freezing up here.

You're in the human world now, kid.

You'll feel a lot of new things you never felt before.

Let's get you some warm clothes and hot food.

Put it in your mouth.

Now move your teeth up and down.

Up and down.

Good, numb nuts.

Now you got to swallow it.

Tilt your head back... and let the meat slide down your throat hole.

Easy. Don't choke.

Popeye's chicken is fucking awesome.

Now eat up. You'll need your energy.

I got energy up the ying-yang. Let's save Dad.

Adrian! Cassius!

Oh, boy.

So nice.

I like your brassiere.

Thank you.

Could you guys maybe not tell anyone about this?

You got it.

Do you mind maybe not telling anybody about this?

You got it.

Look, sidewalk equals safety.

Middle of the road equals death.

From now on, I'll just avoid all moving metal objects.

Great. Now, your father gave me some deposit money... for a nice pad on the Upper East Side... but I misplaced it.

I'm wasted!

So I found this other joint for you... but you're going to have a roommate.

There's only one thing better... than drinking an ice-cold whiskey sour... on a hot Alabama night... and that's telling the truth.

I know what you think about me, Grandma.

You think I'm worthless.

You think I'm a stumblebum... who ain't never going to amount to anything.

Well, old woman, you are wrong.

You are wrong.

Hello, friend. My name is Nicky.

I understand you are seeking a roommate... as per your ad in the "Village Voice."

Would it be possible for me to fill the slot?

Don't you want to know what rent is?

Yes. What is rent?

It's 1,200, split down the middle.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, I rehearse with my partner... so the living room's going to be off-limits.

Off-limits.

Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?

It's 80 degrees in this hallway. Where are you from, the South?

The Deep South.

Why is that funny? I don't know.

Okay. And sorry, guy, but no doggies allowed.

Go on. Big day tomorrow.

And don't forget to do that sleep thing I told you about.

Gotcha.

You're not my brother, are you?

I'm an only child.

You love acting.

I love pissing.


Oh, my God!

In today's Gospel... the Lord tells us how we should live... if we wish to attain the splendour of Heaven.

Or something like that.

Jesus this, Moses that.

Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat.

The Lord said a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity.

But... has he ever really done anything for any of us?

Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway?

No.

I love that car.

Has the Lord given any of my enemies the herpes?

No.

The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs.

Ma'am, I know your son... and, believe me, he was better off on the drugs.

At least when he was smoking hashish... he used to make me laugh occasionally.

After we tried for many years... the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby.

Your best friend Fitzy helped your wife.

He helped her conceive it all night long.

How about you, Mayor?

Has the Lord ever done anything for you?

Well, you know, I wished I could think of something... but, to be honest with you, I can't.

I can't think of a damn thing he's ever done for me!

Kind of makes you wonder if there even is a Lord... if there is ultimate punishment for our so-called sins.

Why don't we just have fun... and do whatever the Hell we want?

Let the sin begin!

Let the sin begin.

That was a good one.

This is so much fun!

I never want it to end.

Why should it end? Who's going to stop us?

Come on. There's ten million people in this city... and the clock is ticking.

Let's rock and roll, then.

Get in the flask. I'm not thirsty!

Cassius, I'll show you.

Cassius, get in the flask.

Get in the flask.

May I help you? Get in the flask.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about an eight-piece. Let's go.

Look, it's okay for me to shit in the street... but you got to use a toilet.

Nicky, where are you?

Aw, come on.

What's he doing now?

Just get in the flask. I got to get Adrian.

Gary's so hairy.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

All that chasing and running around... is making me want to do the sleep thing again.

Kid, I like your enthusiasm, but we have to work on... narrowing down our list of suspects.

I'm going to check in with some of my contacts uptown.

Kid's got a lot of evil in him just begging to come out.


I will eat your heart.

There's our man.

Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major ties to the dark side.

What's with that guy?

It's got to be one of his disciples or something.

My man's into deep nocturnal shit.

I think that Devil guy just got ripped off.

Should we wake him up? You do it.

Rise and shine, Devil guy.

Some dude stole your shit.

What? Where?

Which way did he go? That way.

Thanks. Give me back my flask!

Did you check out the dragon mouth?

The Dark Prince is here.

Check out my stuff. I got a comb only used twice.

I got a pepper shaker. A silver doodad from Africa.

See something you like, my man?

I would like my flask back.

You calling me a thief?

I'm calling you the guy who has my flask.

How would I have it unless I was, in fact, a thief?

I don't know. Now you've done it.

You messed with my business, bitch.

I would appreciate it if you kept your voice down.

You going all crazy-eyed on me.

I'll show you some crazy eye.

Look at this. Come on, let's get busy.

Excuse me, sir. Who?

Does that flask belong to this man?

You calling me a thief, too? Damn.

Look, the guy you ripped off walked by and busted you... so why don't you just give him his flask back?

You going to bite me with your snaggletooth if I don't?

No. But that policeman might have something to say.

Take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy.

Get your raggedy-ass clothes and find another corner... before I show you what crazy really is.

Fine. I will.

I'm a businessman.

I'll be seeing you in a few years.

Excuse me.

That was amazing. I just wanted to thank you.

That's okay. I get messed with all the time.

When I saw him do that to you, I just lost it.

I hate when people take advantage of tourists.

What makes you think I'm a tourist?

Your accent, maybe.

Well, where are you from?

The South. Really?

The Deep South.

Why are we laughing?

I don't know, but I was enjoying it.

Your glasses are pretty.

They make your eyes look big and sparkly.

It's fun looking at them.

My dad's an optometrist.

My dad's in Hell, and he's falling apart.

I'm sorry.

It's really tough when your folks get older.

I don't know what I would do if I couldn't save him.

I'm sure a nice Southern boy like you... will figure something out.

You want some Popeye's?

No. I had my lunch already.

But I wouldn't mind getting a gelati.

Could I come with you to getting a gelati?

If you want to.

Here you go, pal. Enjoy. Thank you.

It's freezing my hands.

Even with those gloves on? It's cold.

Let me wrap it. Please. Thank you.

Gelati.

Better?

Why are you taunting me with your darkness?

Your evil, it's stinking up our streets!

The end is near! We are all going to die!

This town is really going to Hell lately.

What part of town do you live in?

I have an apartment. I'm not sure where.

My dog knows, though.

You have a dog? What kind?

I don't know. I'd ask him... but he's uptown meeting his contacts.

Say "Mr. Beefy." Say it.

Mr. Beefy.

And I love you!

You go to school? What's that like?

I go to Parsons School of Design.

I knew growing up I wasn't much to look at... so I concentrated on making things that are pretty.

You have a nice smell coming off you.

That's my perfume.

It's called Comme de Sud Pacific.

I think that's French for "Coconuts."

That's better than the gelati.

Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch of butterflies... flapping around in my stomach right now.

Is that normal?

Sometimes, sure.

Good, because I was concerned.

Why did they do this to me? I was good to them.

I can hardly notice. Honest.

I sure hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth... or we are doomed.

I was the one who created Hell.

I know, Your Hatefulness.

Actually, the credit belongs to my first wife.

She was the inspiration.

Chewbacca, take it easy, will you?

You look like my first wife. Only she had more hair.

In another startling announcement from City Hall...

Mayor Randolph has, effective immediately...

Iowered the legal drinking age from twenty-one to ten.

When an adult goes to Hell, that's terrific.

But when a child goes...

That's why I'm in this business.

Little Nicky.

Know what's nice about you? What?

I like the way you're happy just being yourself.

You don't try to act cool.

Thanks much, Valerie.

You know what's nice about you?

Your juicy heart-shaped heinie.

What was that?

I don't know why I said that. I meant to say that...

I've always dreamt about having sex with a gross pig.

Can I wash my winky in your kitchen sinky?

You're a real jerk!

I didn't mean to be.

What the--Adrian!

Dad needs you to come back to Hell.

So he sent old Shovel Face to fetch me.

I'm not kidding. He's in trouble.

So are you.

Hey, Valerie!

What is your problem?

I'm sorry!

Adrian, you froze the fire gate, and Dad is dying... so get your booty back home or else!

You can't talk tough, Nicky.

Even the voice inside your head has a speech impediment.

You're going back because I'm going to make you!

How about this? I'll stay here... enjoying my pizza and my peppermint schnapps... and you go back.

Adrian, don't!

Cut the crap! This is serious!

Come on!

I was driving to work today... some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off.

So I followed him.

When he got out of his car, I run up behind him... and start bashing his brains in with this bat.

Did you ever see "The Untouchables"?

I was De Niro!

What's happened to you, Regis?

The mayor's office today... along with the New York Board of Tourism... unveiled its new motto to replace "I Love New York."

"I Love Hookers" will now be the city's catch phrase.

Your brothers are upsetting the balance... between good and evil.

What can I do about it?

You can't do jack shit... unless you learn your evil powers.

Go get a soda out of the fridge.

But those are my roommate's sodas.

"But those are my roommate's sodas."

Does that sound like a statement the son of the Devil would make?

All right. Take it easy.

You have the power to change the cola in that can... into any other liquid.

Engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss.

You just have to release the evil within.

Release the evil?

I'm just saying there's wickedness in you.

I can tell from your snores.

Really?

Release your evil.

Release the evil.

Come on, you can do it.

There it is.

You got it in you.

What are you doing?

I'm going to pretend I didn't see a dog on the couch... because my brain just can't process that right now.

But were you about to drink one of my Cokes?

No. I was just looking at it.

It's beautiful.

This Coke tastes like Pepsi.

You changed a Coke into a Pepsi?

That was your big transformation?

Come on, man, give it up a little.

It was pretty good for my first try.

Do you care that your brothers are killing your father?

Yes, I care!

And he is not going to die!

Atta-boy.

I'm freaked out. My television just blew up.

You're damn right it did!

I mean, really?

I know this is your living room time... but could I finish watching the Globetrotters out here?

It's the craziest game I've ever seen.

He's walking! Get him a bus!

This is the part I don't get.

Another terrible call.

There's no way that was travelling.

What's with all the calls? We haven't lost in 53 years!

Guess what, cornrows?

Technical foul! You're out of here!

Why's the referee being so mean to the Globetrotters, Daddy?

I've been watching these guys play since I was your age.

It's all part of the show, baby.

That guy in the striped shirt... snapped his fingers like somebody I know!

Normally the Globetrotters represent family entertainment.

Who gives a shit?

These kids came here to see the Globetrotters win!

Ten points off the Globetrotters on account of the bigmouth!

It's all part of the show, baby!

Hit the half-time buzzer. I'm tired.

If the second half doesn't get any better than this... you can expect a full-scale riot.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time... for the Globetrotters' half-time half-court heave-ho throw!

If the contestant makes it... everyone here will get a free pizza pie!

I ain't taking the shot. These people are crazy.

Excuse me. I'll take that shot.

What made you want to see the Globetrotters today, son?

I came for the beer and the bitches.

Look who's back from the dead.

Six-six-six! Pickup sticks!

Please welcome Miguel Sanchez from the Bronx, New York!

What's Nicky doing there?

Trying to capture his brother in a flask... and preserve the balance of good and evil on Earth.

Did you just talk? No.

Are you Miguel from the Bronx? No. I'm Nicky from the South.

Hey, give me that!

You better win these people some free pizza... because it looks like they're about to kill each other.

All right.

Who's that man, Mommy?

I don't know, but he sure is butt-ugly.

Release the evil.

Too much evil.

I think that ball just blew up, and, yes, my hair is aflame.

I don't know what the Hell that was.

Don't do it again, huh? All right.

I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle.

Get that crap out of here!

I know you're having fun, Cassius... but you really got to come back to Hell.

Look around you, Nicky. We're in Hell. The new Hell.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

I was sent here to take you back... and that's what I'm going to do.

Don't make me take out the shovel again, Trick.

I think we're about to see a Devil showdown.

Dad got sick when you guys left.

I'm glad he's dying... because it's my turn now.

You're going to wish you never said that.

Take him to the hole, Nicky.

I mean, woof woof.

Come on, brother, come on!

Come on!

Daddy can't help you!

Enough!

This show gets better every year!

That was sick. Who taught you that shit?

Sorry, Cassius.

It must be the Super Devil Juice Dad gave me.

Super Devil Juice? Give me that, little girl.

Don't drink out of it, please!

Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit!

Damn you, Nicky!

There ain't no Super Devil Juice in here!

Hail, Nicky!

We are forever your slaves!

So your father's the Devil. Sí, seòor.

You're a talking dog from Hell. You guys are who?

A couple of big fans of Nicky and the work his dad does.

By the way, Nicky, check this out.

What's Ozzy trying to say there?

John, absolutely nothing.

The Blizzard always came straight with his messages.

But wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.

Chicago.

I love this song.

I command you in the name of Lucifer... to spread the blood of the innocent.

Oh, my God, Chicago kicks ass!

That was awesome.

You know, guys, this cake tastes a little funny.

I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix.

Thought I'd spice up the bash.

Really? What's reefer?

About five hundred bucks an ounce.

Come on, Nicky, one more time.

I can't. It's starting to hurt.

Come on, you totally got to!

All right, all right. Last time.

Here he goes!

That's insane!

How do you do that?

I used to get messed up like this... with my first girlfriend Heather.

We'd get so loopy, she would forget I was a dog.

She was a human? No. A sewer rat.

Man, that pissed my parents off.

You know, I was in love once... but she said I wasn't financially reliable... and she needed that.

By "she," do you mean "he"?

No. Busted!

Please.

How you feeling over there, Satan Abdul-Jabbar?

A little strange.

I can't stop thinking about this girl Valerie.

Why? Did she hurt you?

Do you need to cry on my shoulder?

Easy, Liberace.

Would you grow up?

Liberace.

I was having the best day with her... until Adrian made me tell her she had a heart-shaped heinie.

Maybe you love her. But what do I know?

I can't even see straight.

Me, too! We got to get going.

You guys can crash here. I have an extra futon.

That's a big pass, Elton John.

Ozzy starts in 30 minutes. That'll cheer you up, Nicky.

Yeah, let's roll.

I can't give the Ozz man the full focus he deserves.

Sorry, fellas.

This chick must be the real deal, then.

Later, bro. Good-bye, John.

Good luck, Nicky. Okay, Pete.

You better snap out of it soon, kid... because we're going after Adrian tomorrow... bright and early. Night-night.

Yeah, I know. Get some sleep thing, Mr. Beefy.

That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen.

Go to her.

All right.

I smell coconuts.

Coconuts.

That dude looks like a lady.

You want to come in?

Actually, I'm looking for a girl named Valerie.

Valerie Veran? Two floors up, one window over.

Thanks much.

Good luck with the nipple rubbing.

I don't need luck. I'm good.

I can see that.


Oh, my God! Nicky, is that you?

Stay right there.

I will.

What were you thinking coming here?

I don't know, but it didn't involve going blind.

Oh, my God! Nicky!

Please don't die!

What are you doing?

I think I'm floating.

Why would you be floating?

Maybe it was because of this cake I ate earlier.

Am I supposed to not be freaked out right now?

Because I am.

I'm freaked out, too.

The butterflies in my stomach are flapping around... in a way I've never felt before.

You got the wrong window again, man.

Oh, sorry, Nipples. Valerie!

Nicky, over here. I'm coming.

Oh, my God, you made it.

Valerie, I can see again, and you look beautiful.

Just because you're floating... doesn't mean I'm going to forget you giving me the finger.

That wasn't me.

I was being possessed by my brother Adrian.

What do you mean, possessed?

Remember when I told you that my father was in Hell?

That's because he's the Devil... and he wants to keep his throne for another 10,000 years.

And that pissed off my brothers... so they broke the gates of Hell... which is making my father decompose.

I love my father very much, so I came to Earth to save him.

Now I get that Deep South joke.

I don't know if I should believe you.

You got to believe. Believe in the butterflies.

Wait. Okay. Okay, okay, I believe.

Come on. Come back up.

Take my hand, Valerie.

Fly with me. I can give you the power.

That's the Empire State Building.

There's Popeye's chicken-- right there.

The Hell Beast is above us... and I can smell an evil slut.

Whoa, Devil!

Did you do that?

Nobody calls my girl an evil slut.

Good morning, New York.

This is an "Action News" special report.

A shocking crime... results in a record fifty-million-dollar reward... for the capture of this man.

His name is unknown... but his actions have earned him the label "The Monster."

He should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.

The man who caused such a sensation... at the game yesterday is no hero.

He is, in fact, a mass murderer.

This is real bad. Where the heck is Nicky?

I have authorized a reward... to the person who brings this man to me.

It's a setup.

Good morning, young lady.

That looks like it tastes great.

Look at that.

Mr. Beefy would like you.

Oh, look.


There he is!


Wait. Wait.

What is happening?

There he is!

I'm not a monster.

Release the evil.


Beefy, I think I'm in trouble.

The shit has hit the fan, kid.

Take a look.

This videotape will show what he did... after he left the game.

Say hello to my little friend.

My name is Nicky... and I'm going to kill all you suckers for no reason.

That's not me! That's that cockroach Tony Montana!

Difficult to watch, I know. This is Adrian's work.

He superimposed your head onto "Scarface."

Which is probably DePalma's third best film.

I'm not Nicky.

Dude, it's us. Let us in.

John! Pete! Nicky!

There's a total mob scene coming this way.

It looks like they're following a giant trail of bug shit.

What do we do now, Beefy?

I don't know. This is a little out of my league.

What would your dad do, Nicky? That's a great idea!

I'll ask him. Kill me.

Are you serious?

Yes. We'll meet at Grand Central Station, noon.

Now I command you--do me.

All right!

That just hurt a lot.

Still alive, though.

I've always wanted to kill someone.

Can I give it a try?

Damn you, Kevin Spacey!

You take all my parts!

Hey, you lose--royal flush.

Off with the brassiere.

The last time I saw a pair of jugs that big... two hillbillies were blowing on them.

Oh, my God, Dad.

Nicky, I got no legs.

I got no hips.

I got one ear.

I got no ears.

Now he has no ears. Are you happy, Nicky?

Adrian's got the whole city following me.

I can't hear you, Nicky!

Check one, two. Check one, two.

Put it back on my head!

You got until midnight tonight.

Get your ass back up there, and save your father. Go!

I'm going to save you, Dad. Go, go, go!

I'm going to save you! Go, then! Move it!

Go, Nicky, go!

Sure you're down with this?

A little nervous. Want to puke.

Hey, hey, fuzz. We know where to find Nicky.

Let's go. Get in.

What's up, Police Chief?

You have what I want. You got what we want?

Fifty million bones, bro.

Here's the money. Whoa, my God!

That's half of it. You get the rest when I get Nicky.

Thanks much.

I got to warn you, man. He's kind of not human.

Really? He might be the son of Satan.

I guess I'll have to be extra careful, then, aren't I?

Now, where is he?

Hey, come on, that was cool!

Do it again!

Out of the way!

Where is he? He's late.

He'll be here. Just keep your skirt on.

That's where he comes out of.

Over there!

We've been ratted out.

We thought the son of Satan would understand such a move.

Get these two out of here. All right, this way.

What is this? A bulldog and his gay lover?

Oh, shut up.

It's true. It's true.

Judas.

Judas Priest, maybe.

I'm only an actor. I don't know what's happening.

Take him to the holding area. Seal off all the exits.

I'm only an actor!

You want to see something cool?

Definitely.

Pick me a winner.

Oh, sick!

Oh, my God, that was awesome!

So, what time's my brother expected back?

Noon. Ish.

Even though you're not really the chief... we still get the rest of the cash, right, bro?

You know what you'll get, boys?

An indescribably horrific torture... administered by demons for the rest of eternity.

And we get to keep the cash, too, right?

Sure.

Why not?

You're hurting me.

Shut up.

Applesauce every time.

Hey, boys!

You want a blizzard with my flip-flop?

No, thanks, but we'll take that bottle of booze.

Beat it, you freak. Get out of here.

I'll be back with my flip-flop!

Schnapps.

Peppermint?

All right!

Want a hit?

Drink up. Here's to fifty million clams.

To the defilement of Earth and corruption of its people.

Okay, whatever. Just drink it.

Cheers.

It's awfully hot down here.

How do you manage to stay so cool?

Beer lowers the body temperature.

I read that in a beer magazine.

This liquid will probably quench my thirst.

Cool me off. Definitely.

Give you a pretty good buzz.

Or maybe it will trap me inside for all of eternity.

No, it won't?

Oh, Nicky. I've missed you.

Come out and say hello!

I'm not Nicky.

I'm calling you out, brother!

Adrian, this is very painful.

There you are. I told you he was sick.

Oh, hello, Cassius.

All right, Adrian! Let me out!

New Hell really only needs one new Satan.

You motherfu--

But Cassius could use some company for eternity.

So get in the flask.

Kick his ass, Nicky.

Sleep.

You got it.

Hey, hold up. Someone's got to take a pee.

That dog's got smoke balls!

Run, Beefy! Run!

You can't make me drink, Adrian.

Of course I can.

Oh, it's Nicky's little ragamuffin.

Drink or she dies.

Unlike you, she won't come back from where she's going.

Let go of her! This is between you and me!

I hear a train a-coming!

Adrian, stop!

Drink! All right! Don't hurt her!

Don't do it, Nicky!

I have to, Valerie.

Now, that hurt the both of us.

See you in Hell!

Hey, look at the bright side. You can go for a swim.

You can play the harmonica, and you can choke someone.

Take me to my room. I want to be alone!

In your weakened condition, if you vacate the throne... any of your sons can claim the seat of power for their own.

Horseshit.

Hey, good news. Adrian's back.

I'm going to be all right?

Where's Nicky?

He came with you and Cassius, right?

I came through that gate alone.

Sorry, sir. False alarm.

Would everyone stop playing with me... and tell me what my brother's up to?


What is this?

Is it Dad's birthday?

There he is.

Hi! I can't believe you're here!

Welcome.

Up with the sign.

Can I just tell you I am so excited right now?

So excited! She really is.

If you could point me to the Black Palace...

I really got to check in with my dad.

Can I ask you something?

What do you know about your mom?

My mom.

My brothers tell me that she was a mountain goat... which would explain my chronic halitosis.

A mountain goat? That's really sweet.

Jenna, chair.

Thanks.

My mother wasn't a goat?

Try an angel.

An angel?

I'm your mom.

If you're my mom, then how come you're not older?

Angels don't get any older, son.

I can't believe you just called him "son."

This is so wild!

Jenna, Christa. Time for your mambo lesson.

Chubbs, I'm so sorry. I totally spaced.

I have company. This is my son Nicky.

Chubbs used to be a golf pro... but up here he's just the dopest dance instructor.

Ah, that's nice.

You mambo?

I don't think so.

It's all in the hips.

Bye, Chubbs. All in the hips, yeah!

Nobody in this room will tell you a thing, Adrian.

Right!

Hey, let him go!

Perhaps a titty-twister will loosen your lips.

I'm getting turned on.

All I know is that if you sit on that throne... in your father's weakened condition--

Tit-head, no!

You can claim the seat of power for your own.

Really?

As the founder of Hell...

I command you to stay off that throne!

Even in Hell I get no respect.

Put me down!


So where did you meet Dad?

It was a long time ago at this Heaven-Hell mixer.

I remember that night. You had, like, four daiquiris.

At first I didn't really like him.

He was really conceited. But he was funny.

And I hate to admit it, but he had a really hot body.

Puppy phone.

It's so cute.

Hi, Michelle. Yeah, he's here right now.

I don't know if he's hot. He's my son, you perv.

Can I call you back?

That was my friend Michelle. She says hi.

Say hi back.

I'll just call her later.

We totally saw you save your girlfriend's life.

That was so cool.

That's why you came to Heaven instead of Hell.

Self-sacrifice automatically gets you here.

How did you see me?

We can see anything that's going on on Earth. Look.

Someone else is taking the internship.

That's "Felicity." I love that show. Do you watch?

I haven't seen it, but I hear good things.

This is an "Action News" special report.

Moments ago, a large chunk of what appears to be Hell... began to rise from beneath Central Park.

Far from being terrified... many New Yorkers have begun flocking to the site... turning it into an unofficial party central.

And this just in...

I'm cheating on my husband with the weatherman.

Show him Central Park.

I love your legs.

That's my father's throne!

Is Dad okay? Let's see.

I was a good Devil, wasn't I?

You were the best Devil, sir!

If we fall in there, we will die. Period.

My underwear is so far up my ass I could taste it.

I hear that.

Welcome to the party!

It's so nice to see you all here.

I'm so proud of you.

You've taken to sin with such minimal prompting.

You're acting as if there is no Heaven or Hell.

Well, I've got news for you.

There is most definitely a Hell.

What?

And you're all going there when you die.

Which is in about fifteen minutes.

Holy shit, we really are going to die!

I'm really burning now!

What are we going to do?

I got to help her.

I got to help Dad.

I got to help everybody.

At the stroke of midnight... my father will be completely deteriorated... and all your souls will be mine.

Soon you will see things... more horrible than you can even imagine.

Well, maybe not that horrible, but still pretty bad.

So, while we wait... for your enjoyment...

I bring you a dear, sweet man--

Mr. Henry Winkler.

Good evening.

Covered in bees!

How can I win?

Adrian is stronger and smarter than me.

Stronger, yes.

Smarter, definitely.

But you have something that he doesn't have.

A speech impediment?

The inner light, honey.

And you can totally use it.

It's the best power of all. I do?

And God told me if you get in really bad trouble... you can use this.

What is it?

I'm not totally a hundred percent on that... but God said when the time came, you'd know what to do with it.

God's so smart.

Like "Jeopardy!" smart.

My little boy.

Mommy, get me to the Big Apple... because I'm going to rock that town like a hurricane.

You're already there.

Bye, Nicky.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, guys.

Release the good.

Yes, they're furry.

Bunny, bunny, bunny!

Release the awesome.

What you do is put it in your mouth... and let the meat slide down your throat hole.

Not you, not you!

Popeye's chicken is the shizzney!


You know, from this angle, you're kind of cute.

You think so?

Oh, my God.

He just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit.

That turn you on there, RuPaul?

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Little Nicky.

I knew you would make it!

Adrian, I'm asking you nicely.

Let my friends alone... and get in the flask.

Is this a joke?

No, it's the inner light... and with it, we can defeat whatever you got.

It's true!

It's not true!

Run, traitors, run!

Okay, Adrian.

You've left me no choice.

Leave this to me.

Let's see what you've got.


Enough!

I'm going to kill you with my bare hands.

I'm ready for you.

I guess I wasn't ready.

I totally had to do that. Hell, yeah!

Good job! That's great!

Thanks, Mom !

I'm going to ask you nicely.

Get in the fla--

You want a pillow fight, do you?

Let's let the feathers fly.

Come on, now.

Come on.

I'm right here. Where am I going with it, baby?

Here I am.

I'm sleeping.

Or am I?

Thanks, Mr. Winkler.

I'm asking you one last time.

Get in the flask.

A little help here, please.

Please!

Don't do this! No!

Good-bye, Nicky.

Nice to see you, brothers.

Now I'm going to bust both of your heads wide open!

Come on! Get 'em, Nicky!

Come on, Nicky!

You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!

Good idea.

One down, one to go, Adrian.

You've asked for this. Time for the shovel!

Bring it on!

Kill him, Adrian! Shut up!

Get him, Nicky! Let go of me!


How did a nice Southern boy learn to fight like that?

I guess from my father's side of the family.

What? No tongue?

Catch me if you can!

That is wicked!

Not long now!

You got to fly out.

Soon it will all be mine!

Nicky! I know you can do it.

Run, run!

Do it for the butterflies.

Butterflies?

The power of good lets you fly out.

Well, you're too late, Nicky!

Behold your new Satan!

What's that? What's with the ball?

Ozzy? Holy shit.

No, no, no!

You can do it, Ozzy!

Bite his fricking head off!

Spit him in the flask!

Here you go, Ozzy.

Grand Central, Nicky! Start running.

You'll never make it. You've got to die.

I'll just go to Heaven.

Not if you do something bad right before you die.

You're right.

Hey, Nicky! Cover Winkler in bees!

You can do it!

Sorry, Henry.

Do me! With what?

I don't know.

Here. Kill him with this.

I'll never forget you, guys.

And we will never forget you, my friend.

I love you.

And I love you, Nicky.

I got them, Dad! I did it!

Unholiness, you're back!

You look great!

It's all in the hips It's in the hips

You're all right!

You came through, Nicky.

I came through for you, Dad... and I came through for Mom and the butterflies.

You're back in Hell now, kid.

There are no butterflies here.

If you want butterflies, you need to be on Earth.

What about you and Grandpa and everybody in Hell?

I let my butterflies die once upon a time... and it's never stopped hurting.

That's right!

You heard me, Holly.

What?

I'm still in love with you!

Oh, my God, he's talking about me.

And don't think I forgot about how crazy you get... after a few daiquiris.

That guy is still the biggest horndog.

Yeah, he is.

Listen, I got down low.

Your mom's got up high.

You take care of the middle.

Okay, Dad.

But, in the words of Motley Crue... this will always be my home sweet home.

Don't be afraid to show your face.

You're such a handsome boy.

I hate to interrupt... but it's time for Hitler's punishment.

I'll take that. Maybe they'll let us out.

Grandpa!

Okay, kids.

Enjoy your new home!

Holy shnit!

Such a little angel.

Only a quarter, ma'am.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Sorry.