Live Nude Girls (2014) Script

Downloaded from YTS.MX Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX OUR CROSS COUNTRY ODYSSEY COMES TO A CLOSE AS OUR HEROES APPROACH EL LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA WHERE DESTINY AWAITS.

COME ON, MAN.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FUN FOR LIKE 300 MILES.

SAY SOMETHING, COME ON.

OK.

OK, HOW'S THIS?

TURN OFF THE FUCKING CAMERA BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT AND BURY YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.

THE END.

CUT.

SORRY, BRO. NO CAN DO, MAN.

THIS IS CINEMA VERITAS.

THIS IS GONNA BE AWARD WINNING STUFF.

DOCUMENTING OUR INCREDIBLE JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY HERE.

THE ONLY THING INCREDIBLE WAS THAT I WAS ACTUALLY STUPID ENOUGH TO BRING YOU ALONG WITH ME.

WOAH.

WHERE IS THE GRATITUDE, MAN?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW I GAVE UP A LOT TO MAKE THIS TRIP WITH YOU.

A LOT OF WHAT?

EVERYTHING. MY HOME.

MY CAR. MY JOB.

YOUR HOME WAS YOUR CAR.

AND YOUR JOB WAS SELLING WEED OUT OF THE TRUNK.

MAY I REMIND YOU THAT YOU'RE ALSO UNEMPLOYED, YET YOU SPENT A SMALL FORTUNE ON THIS FRUIT MOBILE.

THIS CAR IS A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

*

IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH LIKE TEN TIMES WHAT I PAID FOR IT IN A FEW YEARS.

OR NOTHING IN LIKE ONE YEAR WHEN THE SHOW'S OFF THE AIR AND YOU LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE BAG.

DAVID HASSELHOFF DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE BAG.

DAVID HASSELHOFF IS A PUSSY MAGNET.

WELL, EXCUSE ME, MICHAEL KNIGHT, FINANCIAL ADVISOR.

THIS CAR IS AN INVESTMENT.

WHATEVER I END UP SELLING IT FOR, IT'S STILL NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH TO RECOUP MY LOSSES FROM SUPPORTING YOUR ASS.

OH, EXCUSE ME, NOT EVERYONE INHERITS THEIR FAMILY FORTUNE. SORRY.

WHAT FORTUNE? I INHERITED MY UNCLE'S STRIP CLUB.

YES. EXACTLY.

WHICH MAKES YOU THE RICHEST MAN I KNOW.

SHANE NAMINSKI, MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

WAIT, HOLY-

CHECK IT OUT, MAN.

WOW. WE MADE IT.

WOOHOO!

WE MADE IT.

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD, BABY.

IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

BUTCH AND SUNDANCE.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

BARTLES AND JAYMES.

CHEECH AND FUCKING CHONG, BRO.

THIS IS IT?

WHAT'S IT LIKE INSIDE, MAN?

IS IT TOTALLY INSANE.

IT'S PACKED EVERY NIGHT.

WALL TO WALL.

MY UNCLE PRACTICALLY INVENTED THE STRIP CLUB.

WHY'D HE LEAVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY?

BECAUSE I'M AWESOME.

BRILLIANT.

CHARMING.

AND I WAS THE ONLY RELATIVE HE WAS STILL SPEAKING WITH WHEN HE DIED.

WOW.

DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE.

[TONE]

YEAH.

[SIGHS]

HEY EVERYBODY.

I'M TOMMY "7"

THE... DIRECTOR OF THIS DOCUMENTARY FEATURE.

I HAPPENED UPON A VIDEO CAMERA.

I THINK I HAVE THE EYE FOR FILMS.

I'VE CERTAINLY SEEN ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON-

HEY, GUYS, I'M TRYING TO FILM SOMETHING OVER HERE.

THERE'S GONNA BE, YOU KNOW, THRILLS, CHILLS, TITTIES, PILLS.

ALL OF THAT.

A WORLD THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF TOMMY "7".

[TALKING IN THE BACKGROUND]

ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME?

I'M TRYING TO FUCKING FILM OVER HERE.

*


YOU THINK WE'RE UNDERDRESSED?

MAYBE I SHOULD'VE WORN A TIE.

MAYBE I SHOULD'VE WORN SOCKS.

THIS IS CASHED.

HEY, GENTLEMEN.

TOP OF THE MORNING.

WELCOME TO PARADISE.

SADLY, YOU MISSED AMBER'S SET, BUT YOU'RE IN LUCK 'CUZ SHE'S STILL WORKING IN A FREELANCE CAPACITY.

[GIGGLING] I'M ALWAYS WORKING.

ALWAYS.

THANKS, BUT WE'RE GOOD.

NOT, AS GOOD AS ME, BABY.

[SIGHS] I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT DIDN'T WORK.

JAZZ HANDS!

IT'S THE FIREWORKS OF YOUR TITS.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOTTA SAY THIS?

THAT WAS A TOTAL COCK BLOCK MOVE.

WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I.D.S, FELLAS.

[CHUCKLES] DUDE, I'VE GOT UNDERWEAR THAT ARE OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK, COME ON.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA DOESN'T RECOGNIZE YOUR UNDEROOS AS A VALID FORM OF IDENTIFICATION.

LET THE GUY DO HIS JOB, TOMMY.

KISS ASS.

SHANE NAM- YOU'RE ERNIE'S NEPHEW.

YEAH.

SORRY FOR CARDING YOU, BRO.

NO WORRIES, I'M GLAD YOU DID.

I'M PAULIE.

REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR UNCLE.

HE'S A GOOD MAN.

HE HIRED ME HERE AND HE REALLY SHOULDN'T OF.

PAULIE? PAULIE? I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND, I'M HERE, I'M HERE, I'M HERE.

COMING, AND I'M HERE.

I'M ALSO A LITTLE FUCKED UP.

[GIGGLING]

LAYLA, THIS IS SHANE.

HE'S THE NEW OWNER.

HI.

[LAUGHING] OWNER.

RIGHT. SEE YA.

[LAUGHING]

WAIT, DON'T RUN, COME ON.

REMEMBER, THE COMMON MAN SEEKS ONLY COMFORT.

THE WISE MAN SEARCHES FOR VIRTUE.

WALK TALL.

RIGHT.

WALK TALL.

*

OH, LOOK AT THAT ONE.

I SEE HER.

GIVE IT UP FOR SANDY.

COME ON, GUYS, HELP HER OUT.

SHE'S SUPPORTING A DRUMMER AND A CRANK HABIT.

WE SHOULD CHECK HIS- THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

-LICENSE AND HIS CREDIT CARD.

SOMEBODY CLAP FOR HER.

[CLAPS]

OH MY GOD.

CHECK HER OUT.

HOME SWEET HOME.

THIS IS NOT HOW I REMEMBER IT.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

IT'S LIKE OUR OWN CLUB HOUSE.

ALL TO OURSELVES.

PARTY TIME.

I NEED SOME OF THIS.

HEY. -HEY.

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

NOBODY.

THANKS, OFFICER.

DUDE, THIS PLACE IS TRULY FUCKING-

AWESOME.

NO SHIT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

COME ON, TOMMY.

HEY, YOU WORK HERE. -YEAH.

CAN WE GET SOME HELP?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'LL HAVE A COKE.

COKE? 8 BALL?

YEAH. -NO!

I CAN GET IT.

I KNOW A GUY WITH A BIG ASS BOAT FULL OF COKE.

IT'S COKE BOATS.

I WAS ON IT.

YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON IT.

I SAW GUNS, COCK FIGHTING, MIDGET HOOKERS, DURAN DURAN WAS WATERSKIING OFF THE BACK AND I WAS AT THE RAIL AT THE BRIDGE.

WAIT, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON A FUCKING BOAT.

I WAS.

I AM SINBAD, BITCH.

BUT NOT THE COMEDIAN.

THAT WAS ON STAR SEARCH RECENTLY.

HE'S- HE'S GONNA BE HUGE ONEDAY.

BUT NOT AS HUGE AS THAT COKE BOAT.

IF YOU WANNA SEE HOW A BOAT REALLY WORKS, I COULD SHOW YOU THE UDDER, EVERYTHING, THE WHEEL.

[LAUGHING]

WELCOME TO THE LOVE BOAT.

AH!

OOH.

THAT SINBAD IS NO HOWIE MANDEL.

[MOANING]

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

AND THEM.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

I'M LOOKING FOR HARRY.

OH MY GOD.

YOU'RE ERNIE'S NEPHEW.

YEAH, I'M SHANE.

SORRY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, HE HAD PICTURES OF YOU EVERYWHERE.

SO...

YOU'RE THE BIG HOTSHOT WALL STREET GUY, HUH?

NOT ANY MORE.

I USED TO BE.

IT'S- IT'S A LONG, SAD STORY.

WELL, YOU GOT A SHORT VERSION?

OK...

A SHORT VERSION.

BIG SHOT WALL STREET GUY LOSES HIS JOB, GOES BROKE, GOES CRAZY.

HIS UNCLE LEAVES HIM A STRIP CLUB IN LOS ANGELES.

PAULIE!

OH, YOU'RE SO FUCKING HOT.

HE'S THROWING PENNIES AT ME.

OH, AND BRINGS HIS IDIOT MANCHILD BEST FRIEND WITH HIM.

THAT IS A SAD STORY.

YEAH, I WARNED YOU.

HARRY'S IN THE OFFICE.

FOLLOW ME. -THANKS.

I COULD USE SOME FRIED CHICKEN.

I'M- -I'M PAULIE.

AND I'M- -I WORK THE DOOR.

I'M OFFICER PARKER.

I'M FROM MENASHA, WISCONSIN.

SO, WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO LOS ANGELES?

WELL, I ACCIDENTALLY SHOT A COW.

I HAD TO TRANSFER OUT.

SO...

L.A. SEEMED LIKE IT WAS A GOOD PLACE TO GO.

AND THIS IS HARRY'S OFFICE.

HARRY?

YOU MUST BE SHANE THE WONDER BOY.

THIS IS HARRY.

HE'S OUR MANAGER.

SLASH PRODUCER.

SLASH TALENT COORDINATOR.

SLASH OWNER.

OWNER?

YOU AND ERNIE WERE PARTNERS?

YEAH.

HOW MUCH DO YOU OWN?

WELL IT WAS ORIGINALLY 50% BUT OVER THE YEARS, I'VE HAD TO SELL BACK A BIT HERE AND THERE, SO IT'S A LITTLE LESS.

HOW MUCH LESS?

I THINK MY OWNERSHIP STAKE STANDS AT 3.5%.

SO...

HERE'S TO THE NEW PARTNER.

UP THE EMPIRE.

[PILLS DROPPING]

HARRY... I'LL GET IT.

OH FUCK.

OH.

THAT IS- THAT IS A FEAST.

OH I WOULD LOVE TO STUFF THAT WITH CORN BREAD AND GIBLETS AND BACON AT 400 DEGREES AND SERVE IT FAMILY STYLE.

YOU ARE NEVER GETTING NEAR MY KITCHEN, HARRY.

NEVER? EVER? -NEVER.

OH COME ON, THANKSGIVING IS COMING UP.

YEAH, NOT SOON ENOUGH.

ALRIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I NEED A DRINK.

YOU DON'T NEED ANOTHER DRINK.

OH, I DO.

SO, UH...

I GUESS WE SHOULD TALK BUSINESS.

YEAH.

LET'S DO THAT.

LET'S- LET'S CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS.

LET'S SPREAD OUT SOME SPREAD SHEETS.

OK, UH...

GREAT. SO UH...

GENERALLY SPEAKING, CASH FLOW, WHAT'S THE BIG PICTURE LOOK LIKE?

UH, IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE TITANIC.

YOU KNOW, POST ICEBERG.

YOU KNOW, IF EVERYTHING WAS ALSO ON FIRE, AND THEY WERE SURROUNDED BY EXPLODING SHARKS.

AND EVERYONE HAD LEUKEMIA AND DID A LOT OF BLOW.

SO, NOT GOOD?

NO.

NOT GOOD, NO.

BUSINESS IS DOWN.

IN FACT, BUSINESS IS FUCKED.

FUCKED IN THE ASS.

NOW, I WOULD LOVE TO STAY HERE AND FREAK THE FUCK OUT WITH YOU ALL DAY, BUT...

I'M NOT NEARLY DRUNK ENOUGH TO BALANCE OUT ALL THESE WONDERFUL MEDS, SO I'M GONNA REMEDY THAT SITUATION RIGHT AWAY.

I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK.

OK.

I NEED A DOUBLE BOURBON AND AN ENEMA.

WELCOME ABOARD.

HEY, UH...

HAVE YOU SEEN MY FRIEND TOMMY?

NO.

NOT FOR AWHILE.

[SCREAMING]

AM I BLOWING YOUR MIND?

[MOANING]

SAY MY NAME, SAY MY NAME.

JEFF, JEFF.

MY NAME IS JOSH.

I'M SORRY...

TOMMY, WE SHOULD FORM A BAND.

WE SHOULD.

I'VE BEEN TOLD I'VE GOT A GOLDEN VOICE.

[TONE]

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, DERRINGER.

LIKE, CAN WE- CAN YOU GO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE INSTEAD OF PRETENDING TO BE STEVEN SPIELBERG?

DO YOU FEEL LIKE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN RESPECTING YOUR AUTHORITY HERE SINCE YOU TOOK OVER THE STRIP CLUB?

YEAH, I THINK THE BUSINESS MODEL I'VE REDESIGNED HERE IS TAKING EFFECT.

I THINK THINGS ARE FALLING INTO PLACE.

AND, UH, GOOD LEADERSHIP IS ABOUT DISCIPLINE.

I RUN A TIGHT SHIP.

AND THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE RESPECT.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S REALLY ALL ABOUT.

RESPECT.

[WHISTLING]

[PANTING]

[SCREAMING]

COME ON, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

UH, YOU'RE JUST BANGING THE SIDES NOW.

[KNOCKING] HEY GUYS.

[SCREAMING]

HEY! HEY!

HEY!

[SCREAMING]

COME ON.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

WOAH, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

NOT COOL AT ALL, BRO.

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

WITH MY KEY.

I'M THE NEW OWNER.

CAN YOU TURN THE MUSIC DOWN?

SORRY, THAT TUNE JUST DRIVES HER CRAZY.

[SIGHS]

I'M DOING MY MASTERS THESIS ON SEXUAL MOTIFS IN 19TH CENTURY GERMAN ORCHESTRA MUSIC.

UH, GOOD FOR YOU.

STAY IN SCHOOL.

SAGE ADVICE, BOSS.

SO, WE COOL?

NO, WE'RE NOT COOL.

[CHEERING]

TOMMY SAID IT WAS COOL.

[SINGING]

I AIN'T GOT NOBODY.

-NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY.

IS THIS NOT COOL?

SHANE, DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

BESIDES DRESSING LIKE CALIGULA AND BANGING THE ENTIRE STAFF?

NO.

I'M JUST TRYING TO BOOST MORALE.

IT'S MANAGEMENT 101.

YOU SHOULD READ DALE CARNEGIE.

DALE CARNEGIE DOESN'T WORK HERE.

AND IF YOU KEEP HAVING ALL NIGHT NAKED MORALE SESSIONS, YOU WON'T BE EITHER.

LOOSEN UP, MAN.

JUST HAVE A SIP.

GET 'EM OUT NOW.

PLEASE.

[GROANING]

OH, MAN.

EAT A DICK.

GOOD MEETING.

HIT IT!

[ALL SINGING]

I AIN'T GOT NOBODY!

WOO, YEAH!

[TOMMY] WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME IN GENERAL?

DO YOU THINK I'VE BRIGHTENED UP THIS PLACE SINCE I GOT HERE?

LIKE A FUCKING LILY.

LIKE A BEAUTIFUL LILY.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

YOUR ENERGY IS LIKE A TIDAL WAVE OF BUTTERFLIES.

BUT THEY'RE ALL FUCKING COOL BUTTERFLIES.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE CLASSY BUTTERFLIES.

YEAH.

WITH LIKE- MAYBE LIKE LIKE MEMBERS ONLY JACKETS WITH GOLD CHAINS-

BUT A TOP HAT EXTRA AND A MONOCLE.

YES. YES, PITT.

*

I CAN'T MAKE ANY SENSE OUT OF THESE FINANCIAL RECORDS.

WHAT KIND OF BOOK KEEPING IS THIS?

IMPROVISATIONAL.

YEAH, MORE LIKE IRRATIONAL.

EH, POTATO, POTAHTO.

HARRY, YOU GOT A MINUTO?

HEY, PITT, YEAH, COME ON UP HERE.

SHANE, THIS IS PITT REDMAN.

AND THIS IS HIS LOVELY LADY CHANCY.

AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

JUST SO YOU KNOW I THINK OF THIS CLUB LESS AS A CUSTOMER, MORE OF A SECOND FAMILY.

[LAUGHING]

WHICH IS REALLY GOOD BECAUSE HIS FAMILY ARE ASSHOLES.

SO WAIT, YOU WORK FOR THE CLUB?

YEAH- YEAH.

PITT REDMAN HERE IS AN INDESPENSIBLE PART OF THIS OPERATION.

OPERATION.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE GAME.

DID YOU EVER PLAY IT?

YOU TAKE THE TWEEZERS AND YOU GOTTA GET OUT HIS LITTLE FUNNY BONE AND THEN YOU MISS AND IT RRRRR.

IT'S SO FUN.

YOU KILL THE GUY EVERY TIME.

WE SHOULD HAVE A GAME NIGHT AND PLAY THAT.

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO HERE?

DO YOU GUYS LOVE CLUE?

OR MONOPOLY? WE COULD PLAY MONOPOLY.

I CALL TOP HAT RIGHT NOW.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE THE LITTLE FUCKING IRON.

EVERYTIME I HAVE TO GET THE IRON AND IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M DOING HOUSEWORK.

OK, HON, SOMETIMES WE TALK ABOUT YOU BEING OVERBEARING.

-NO I DON'T. AND TALKING SHIT.

-NOPE. NO WE DON'T. -YES WE DO.

AND YOU SAID NAME ONE TIME THAT I'VE EVER DONE THAT.

YEAH, NAME ONE. NAME ONE.

AND I SAID ALL THE TIME.

-NUH UH. NO. AND YOU SAID FUCK YOU, I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE THAT ONE TIME.

WELL GUESS WHAT- -YEAH FUCK YOU-

THIS IS THE TIME.

IT IS?

RIGHT NOW.

I'M SOWWY.

IT'S OK.

[KISSING]

EXCUSE ME GUYS.

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT WE PAY YOU FOR?

UH, MY TITLE IS...

FOOD AND BEVERAGE SUPPLY.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, HERE IS THE FOOD AND BEVERAGE ORDER.

AHH.

FOOD AND BEVERAGE SUPPLY- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, YOU'RE THE GUY WE'RE PAYING FOR EVERY MONTH FOR ALL THIS STUFF.

SHANE.

EVERY THRIVING BUSINESS HAS A CERTAIN COST STRUCTURE, RIGHT?

I MEAN YOU'VE GOT TO SPEND MONEY TO MAKE MONEY.

WE'RE NOT THRIVING OR MAKING MONEY.

AND WE DON'T SERVE FOOD.

I MEAN WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

$600 A MONTH FOR CHICKEN WINGS?

IT'S CODE FOR WEED.

NO, IT IS NOT.

THAT IS CODE FOR PERCODAN.

YES, SHRIMP COCKTAIL IS CODE FOR WEED.

$500 A MONTH FOR BLUE CRAB.

WHAT'S BLUE CRAB CODE FOR?

WELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY BLUE CRAB.

MY UNCLE DALE HAS A FISHING LICENSE IN MARYLAND.

HARRY LOVES THE BLUES.

IT IS GOOD.

YOU KNOW, YOU COOK IT WITH SOME WINE AND SOME BUTTER.

IT'S JUST- IT'S HEAVEN IN YOUR MOUTH.

YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME, SHANE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, AS OF RIGHT NOW GUYS, NO MORE INVOICES FOR BLUE CRAB OR ANYTHING ELSE.

NO FOOD. THAT'S IT.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS GOOD.

I DON'T LIKE THE I.R.S. EITHER.

NO PAPER TRAIL.

YOU'RE AMAZING.

GOOD IDEA, SHANE.

BUT THIS ISN'T GOING TO EFFECT CHANCY'S SALARY OR POSITION AT ALL?

SHE WORKS HERE? WHAT DO YOU DO HERE?

I'VE BEEN A DANCER HERE FOR YEARS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU DANCE.

WELL, SHANE, SHE IS NOT A STAGE DANCER AS SUCH.

SHE'S MORE OF A FLOOR DANCER.

MORE OF A HOSTESS.

SLASH DANCER.

YOU KNOW, STUFF THAT BETTER SUITS HER PARTICULAR SKILL SET.

UH, WHAT SKILL SET?

SHE HAS A CLUB FOOT.

THIS IS NOT A CLUB FOOT.

YEAH, TECHNICALLY THAT'S A HAMMER TOE.

AND YOU COULD HAVE THAT SURGICALLY CORRECTED.

I DON'T LIKE NEEDLES.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S IT.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE DANCING HERE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE DANCING UP THERE, ON STAGE, AND-

AND- HARRY, JUST GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, MAN.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

HE'S NOT SERIOUS ABOUT THAT DANCING THING, IS HE?

OH GOD, NO.

NO.

GOD, NO.

*

YOU DON'T REMEMBER LIKE ONE TIME WHEN I DID THIS?

OH, OK.

REMEMBER THAT?

IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW.

I WASN'T PARTICULARLY STARING AT ANYTHING BUT...

BUT THE FRANKENSHOES.

NO, I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING AT IT.

SO I WAS LIKE, FINE, I'LL JUST FUCKING BRING IT OUT.

I'LL JUST BRING IT OUT, 'CUZ YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT.

RIGHT HERE.

OK. GOD.

HERE, HERE.

WHAT? NOTHING. NOTHING?

WELL I MEAN YOU'RE STILL WEARING A BRA.

NOTHING. NOTHING.

HUH, NOTHING?

YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.

NO, JUST THIS, RIGHT?

YEAH, I GOT THAT.

I CAN FIX IT.

BUT I DON'T WANNA.

*

IRONY IS THE ALIBI OF FETISH.

[TOMMY] SO, WERE YOU A POLICE OFFICER IN WISCONSIN?

I WAS AND THEN I SHOT THE COW, AND THEN I WASN'T.

YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A DOMESTIC DISPUTE.

YEAH, I HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT COW.

I'M JIMMY.

AND I'M JOSH.

AND OUR DAD, HARRY RUNS THIS PLACE.

WELL, MY DAD RUNS THIS PLACE.

HE'S ADOPTED.

HE'S JUST AS MUCH MY DAD AS HE IS YOURS.

YOU KNOW THAT?

DAD PUT ME IN CHARGE BECAUSE I'M HIS REAL KID, OK?

DO YOU HAVE DAD'S HOME NUMBER?

WATCH THIS.

WHAT'S HIS HOME NUMBER?

I DON'T HAVE TO CALL HIM.

WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I CAN JUST SEE HIM.

YOU HAVE A SEVERE DRUG PROBLEM.

YOU CAN'T STOP EATING NUTS, OK?

AND YOU'RE A FAKE.

TEARS IN 3, 2, 1.

[SOBBING]

SCREW YOU, JIMMY.

[CRYING]

ONE OF LIFE'S LITTLE PLEASURES, MAN.

*

[JOSH] ALRIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO DEJA VU IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES.

I'M YOUR HOST JOSH.

THE JAY DOG.

J LOVER. JJ VITTLES.

ALSO ANSWERS TO FUCK STICK.

SHUT IT.

AND QUIT EATING MY PIZZA.

NO. IT'S MY PIZZA.

THAT'S BULLSHIT, IT'S MY PIZZA.

DAD SAID THAT WE SHARE EVERYTHING.

NOT PIZZA, DICK.

*

I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME.

DO YOU THINK I HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM?

WHAT IS THAT?

YOGURT.

IS IT LIKE ICE CREAM OR IS IT...?

IT'S LIKE SAD ICE CREAM.

IT'S OK, NEW GIRL.

YOU CAN TOUCH THEM.

THEY DON'T BITE, BUT UM, I DO.

-SORRY.

[LAUGHING]

OH, SWEETIE, YOU NEED TO GET A PAIR.

YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A WHOLE NEW WOMAN.

...I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU REALLY THINK BIGGER BOOBS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE?

NO, BUT UM...

THEY WILL PAY YOUR RENT.

OH. [LAUGHING]

AND YOUR VISA AND YOUR STUDENT LOANS AND YOU CABLE BILL.

OH, OK.

BUT HOW MUCH DO THEY COST?

HELL IF I KNOW, I DIDN'T PAY FOR 'EM.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

GUYS SAY THEY ALWAYS LIKE MY SMALLER BOOBS.

HA!

JUST INTRODUCE ME.

[JOSH] ALRIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR EMCEE AND WORLD CLASS PRICK ON WHEELS.

THE SEMI RETARDED JIMMY HOROWITZ.

[JIMMY] ALRIGHT GUYS, GIVE IT UP FOR THE DUMBEST DJ ON THE PLANET.

CAN I GET A LIGHT?

STEVIE WONDER, GET ME RIGHT HERE.

OH MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S PROBABLY MORE PEOPLE AT A DONKEY SHOW.

AND IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN A DONKEY SHOW, TALK MY BROTHER-

HE'S BLOWN A COUPLE DONKEY'S IN HIS LIFE, OK.

HI. -HI.

I GET OFF IN AN HOUR.

WANNA GET OFF WITH ME?

HOW DO YOU GET A GUY TO PAY FOR THEM?

GOOD NIGHT TO YOU EVERYBODY!

KROL IS HERE, BABIES.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM YOURSELF?

KROL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE COMING?

WELL BECAUSE I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU AND MY TWO MOST FAVORITE GIRLS IN THE WORLD.

HELLO PRETTY LADIES.

[GIGGLING]

HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

DID YOU MISS YOUR UNCLE KROL?

I MISSED YOU.

THEY SEEM SAD.

THEY'RE A LITTLE SLEEPY.

WELL LET'S SWING THEM UP AND LET'S TAKE THEM DISCO DANCING, BABY.

EVERYBODY, ALL THE GIRLS, DISCO DANCING, YEAH!

[JIMMY] GET YOUR DICKS UP AND YOUR WALLETS OUT BOYS, 'CUZ IT'S TIME FOR YOUR HEADLINER.

DIRECT FROM A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, THE ONE, THE ONLY, MISS BOOTS!

DRINK UP, BABY.

IT'S SHOW TIME.

*

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT I GOTTA BOBBA FETT-ISH.

*

COME ON, LADIES.

SHOW ME YOUR WOOKIE.

[WOOKIE SOUNDS]

[LIGHT SABER SOUNDS]

THESE ARE NOT THE STRIPPERS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

THOSE ARE AVAILABLE IN OUR PRIVATE VIP DANCE ROOMS.

*

AUNT NANCY?

I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY JUST BLEW UP MY DEATH STAR.

GIVE IT UP FOR BOOTS, COME ON.

PEOPLE HAVE PET COWS IN WISCONSIN.

UM...

LISTEN, YOU WEREN'T THERE.

IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.

BUT IT GOT HEAVY QUICKLY.

I NEVER HEARD "COW" BEFORE.

I ALWAYS HEARD "SALLY".

YES.

THE COW'S NAME WAS SALLY.

HI! YOU MUST BE SHANE.

YEAH, UH... GOD, I- UH-

I'LL COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE DECENT.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

THEN YOU'LL NEVER BE BACK.

[JIMMY] WE NEED A DANCER UP HERE.

YOU'RE UP NEXT. -OH!

YOU HAVE TO PUT SOMETHING ON TO TAKE SOMETHING OFF.

OH, COME ON BABY, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE TONIGHT.

NO, I CAN'T-

-HEY, NANCY.

[GASPS] SHANE, OH MY GOD.

OOH! MY BABY.

YOU'VE COME BACK TO ME.

HEY... HI.

HI.

MOMMY'S GONNA TUCK YOU IN LATER, OK?

BABY NEEDS YOU.

I'M GONNA PLAY WITH THE DRAGON LATER.

WELL...

WELCOME BACK, GORGEOUS.

THANKS, AUNT NANCY.

UH, DON'T CALL ME THAT, OK?

NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS I WAS WITH YOUR UNCLE, I WAS REALLY NEVER YOUR AUNT.

RIGHT.

SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU THEN?

CALL ME BOOTS.

EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HERE DOES.

OK, BOOTS.

WOW.

YOU GREW UP SO HANDSOME.

IT'S A GOOD THING WE'RE, UH...

NOT RELATED.

I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU.

[LAUGHS]

I'M JUST KIDDING, SHANE, COME ON.

COME SIT BY ME AND LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

SURE.

MMM.

LET'S DO A TOAST.

TO ERNIE.

GREATEST MAN I EVER KNEW.

HE HAD A BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT AND A HEART OF GOLD.

AND THAT HUGE COCK TOO.

[LAUGHS]

SORRY YOU COULDN'T BE AT THE FUNERAL.

WE HAD A GOOD TIME.

ATE SOME MUSHROOMS, SNORTED RAILS OFF THE COFFIN.

PARTIED OUR TITS OFF.

SOUNDS LIKE A LOVELY TRIBUTE.

WHERE YOU STAYING?

YOU CAN CRASH WITH ME.

BET WE'D HAVE FUN.

YOU LOOK LIKE FUN.

YEAH, I AM FUN.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW THERE WERE MANY NIGHTS I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU WERE LIVING WITH US, GOING TO COLLEGE.

HM.

I WAS SO TEMPTED TO JUST SNEAK INTO YOUR ROOM AND BANG THE LIVING JIZZ OUT OF YOU.

OH, THAT'S UH...

THAT'S A GREAT STORY.

YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT?

NOPE.

NO, I DID NOT KNOW.

NOW, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

IT'S NOT SUCH A BAD THING TO HAVE IN YOUR HEAD NOW, IS IT?

UH, UM, UH...

ACTUALLY IT UH...

IT MIGHT BE.

BECAUSE UH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON THOSE-

ON THE WORK- I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON THE WORK, UH, SINCE WE'RE GONNA BE WORKING-

WORKING TOGETHER AND EVERYTHING.

WHY WOULD WE BE WORKING TOGETHER?

I'M TAKING OVER THE CLUB.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MY UNCLE ERNIE, HE LEFT ME THE CLUB.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THEY- THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU?

NOBODY FUCKING TOLD ME ANYTHING.

[SCREAMS]

THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!

WHAT, 20 YEARS OF FUCKING ME WASN'T ENOUGH?

NOW HE WANTS TO FUCK ME FROM THE GRAVE!

BOOTS, JESUS, CALM DOWN.

CALL ME AUNT NANCY.

FUCK EVERYONE!

FUCK THIS FUCKING PLACE AND FUCK YOU!

AUNT NANCY!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

COME ON NANCY? -FUCK YOU!

DON'T FUCKING BE LIKE THAT.

FUCK.

GALLAGHER'S A FUCKING GENIUS, DUDE.

CALL ME A FUCKING CAB.

RIGHT NOW?

YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

FUCK.

SO, YOUR AUNT SEEMS A WEE BIT UPSET.

WHAT'S THE WORD?

THE WORD IS FUCK IT.

WELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY TWO WORDS.

YOU WERE IN THE ARMY, RIGHT?

MARINE CORPS.

WHY'D YOU QUIT?

MOONED IT. -WHERE?

GRANADA.

GRENADA.

HOWEVER YOU SAY IT.

SO, MAYBE YOU'RE OFF TO A ROUGH START.

ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY, MAN.

YOU JUST NEED TO GET THAT BIG FAT BRAIN OF YOURS WORKING.

COME UP WITH A NEW PLAN.

THIS PLACE IS A SINKING SHIP.

IT'S ON FIRE AND UNDERWATER.

DOOMED.

SO MAYBE IT'S A CLUSTERFUCK.

BUT THERE ARE LIKE COSMIC FORCES AT WORK HERE, BRO.

COSMIC FORCES?

YES, YOU'RE LIKE UNCIRCUMSIZED MOSES.

CHOSEN TO LEAD THESE LOST NAKED SOULS WHILE THEY'RE WANDERING THROUGH THE DESERT LIKE BACK TO THE FUCKING PROMISED LAND, MAN.

MOSES CAN NOT QUIT.

ARE YOU ON CRANK?

IT'S FUCKING BIBLICAL, MAN.

YOU JUST NEED TO FIND A BURNING BUSH.

AND WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN THIS PLACE TO LOOK FOR HOT BUSH, MAN.

WELL, THANKS FOR THE IRRATIONAL FUCKING PEP TALK.

BUT NOTHING SHORT OF A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE IS GONNA SAVE THIS FREAK SHOW OR STOP FROM SHUTTING IT DOWN.

IT'S OVER.

FUCK IT.

YOU'VE CHANGED, MAN.

YOU HAVEN'T.

BOOTS, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

YOU WANT TO TALK?

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN TALK TO MY LAWYERS.

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

NOW GET OUT OF MY FACE!

YOU KNOW, I COULD UH GET YOU HOME SAFE...

AND SOUND.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?

YES, MA'AM.

NOW, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

PATRIOTISM.

YOU WISH, SOLDIER.

SCREW YOU.

[HUMMING]

* AND THE SHORES OF TRIPOLI

*

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MOVE TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE OF THE PALM TREES.

COREY HAIM AND PALM TREES.

I LOVE PALM TREES.

[TOMMY] WHY DO YOU LOVE PALM TREES?

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE CALIFORNIA.

WHERE ELSE YOU GONNA FIND A PALM TREE AT?

NOWHERE.

NOT IN INDIANA.

THEY'RE LIKE CARTOON TREES.

SO CUTE.

GOOD MORNING.

WOW. YOU'RE HERE EARLY.

SOMEBODY HAS TO BE.

NOT A LOT OF EARLY RISERS ON STAFF.

YEAH.

WHAT TIME DID TOMMY LEAVE LAST NIGHT?

UM, HE DIDN'T.

FIRST TIME HE'S EVER BEEN TO WORK EARLY IN HIS LIFE.

HEY, UH CALL EVERYBODY.

BOUNCERS, DANCERS, EVERYONE.

I NEED TO SEE THEM HERE IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

HI THERE, I'M CHLOE.

UH... HI CHLOE.

WHY ARE YOU IN MY OFFICE AND MOSTLY NAKED?

I CAME IN FOR A JOB INTERVIEW.

THE MANANGER TOLD ME TO COME BACK HERE TO THE OFFICE AND PUT ON A COCKTAIL WAITRESS UNIFORM.

THAT'S THE GUY.

YES, THAT IS THE MANAGER, BUT THAT IS NOT THE COCKTAIL WAITRESS UNIFORM.

IT'S NOT? SINCE WHEN?

IS THAT COFFEE? -YES.

AH, GIVE IT TO ME. I NEED IT MORE THAN YOU.

REALLY? -YEP.

UNLESS YOU WERE UP HAVING ROUGH SEX WITH THREE DRAG QUEENS AND A DEEPLY CONFLICTED RODEO COWBOY UNTIL 45 MINUTES AGO?

NO.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

[CHLOE] SHOULD I COME BACK?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN?

PUT THESE BACK ON.

PRAY TELL, MISS THING.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A DANSEUSE EXOTIQUE?

UH, WHAT?

PARDON MY FRENCH.

I MEAN THAT WAS LITERALLY FRENCH.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A STRIPPER?

OH, I AM NOT A STRIPPER.

I CAME IN HERE FOR A WAITRESS JOB.

I WAS A WAITRESS BACK AT STEAK AND SHAKE IN INDIANA.

FORT WAYNE.

SO MUCH FUN THERE.

WE HAVE THE JOHNNY APPLESEED FESTIVAL IN THE SUMMER, WHICH IS CRAZY.

AND WE HAVE OUR OWN BASEBALL TEAM.

THE FORT WAYNE TIN CAPS.

YOU GOTTA HOUSE?

BABY, I GOT A TRAILER.

PERFECT, LET'S GO TAKE A SHOWER.

MMM.

I WON A SILVER MEDAL AT WAYNE JUNIOR COLLEGE FOR GYMNASTICS.

UNEVEN BARS.

YOU KNOW DIANE, THE BLONDE LADY ON THAT TV SHOW CHEERS.

SHE'S FROM FORT WAYNE TOO.

I MISS INDIANA AND FORT WAYNE SO MUCH.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

IS HE DEAD?

NO.

I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF LUCK.

SO, WHAT BROUGHT YOU OUT HERE FROM INDIANA?

A BUS.

NO, I MEAN...

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

BECAUSE OF SNAKES.

YOU'RE- YOU'RE AFRAID OF SNAKES?

NO.

THEY CAN SEEM KIND OF MEAN, BUT THEY'RE NOT.

THEY'RE SO SWEET.

AND, THEIR MUSIC IS SO RAD.

OH OK, SNAKES THE BAND?

DUH, YEAH.

THEY CAME INTO STEAK AND SHAKE AFTER A SHOW, AND THEY ASKED ME TO BE IN THEIR NEXT MUSIC VIDEO.

UH HUH.

SO THEN WHAT?

IT STARTS WITH THEM AT STEAK AND SHAKE.

I'M THE SHAKE GIRL, BUT I'M NOT REALLY THE SHAKE GIRL.

AND THEN THE SNAKES START ROCKING OUT, AND THE WHOLE SHAKE MACHINE EXPLODES AND ICE CREAM AND EVERYTYHING WAS GETTING ALL OVER MY FACE AND MY-

CHLOE, CHLOE, CHLOE, TIME OUT.

WHY DID YOU END UP HERE IN LOS ANGELES?

OH.

WELL, THE COPS PULLED OVER THE TOUR BUS AND THEY FOUND FOUR POUNDS OF HASH IN THE BASS DRUM.

SO...

I'M KIND OF STRANDED.

I WOULD LOVE- I WOULD LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT, CHLOE, BUT WE'RE NOT HIRING AND UM...

LISTEN, I'VE GOT A MEETING.

IF YOU WAIT, I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE BUS.

OK?

AWW, THANKS. THAT'D BE AWESOME.

OK, NO PROBLEM.

[YAWNS]

[HARRY] PEOPLE DON'T CALL A MEETING FOR GOOD NEWS.

THIS IS BULL- MEETINGS ARE BULLSHIT-

MEETINGS ARE ALWAYS BULLSHIT.

GIVE ME A BREAK. JUST SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS COMING OUT HERE, I HAD REALLY HIGH HOPES FOR WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO HERE.

I'M DISAPPOINTED THAT THE CLUB HAS HIT SUCH HARD TIMES.

AS YOU ALL KNOW, THIS PLACE WAS MY UNCLE'S PRIDE AND JOY.

AND I'M JUST AFRAID THAT TIMES CHANGE.

[GRAND MUSIC STARTS UP] AND I'M NOT MY UNCLE.

THERE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH BUSINESS ANYMORE.

AND YOU KNOW, I'M AFRAID THAT...

WE'RE GONNA...

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FACE THE TRUTH.

AND THE TRUTH IS JUST WE CAN'T MAKE ANY MONEY.

AND I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT BOTTOM LINE I HAVE NO CHOICE.

IT'S JUST- IT'S NOT-

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE FOR US TO STAY IN BUSINESS-

WHAT THE HELL? WHY ISN'T ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME?

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A MOTHERFUCKIN' MIRACLE.

SHE'S A GOLD MINE.

[CLAPPING]

OH YEAH.

[TONE]

HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO...

[CLINK]

BUT YOU'RE WELCOME.

IS THAT MY SHIRT?

YES. I THOUGHT IT LOOKED GREAT ON ME, SO...

SO WHY ARE YOU SAYING I TOLD YOU SO?

OH, UH BECAUSE BUSINESS IS BOOMING NOW AND UH I THINK A LOT OF THAT HAS TO DO WITH OUR CHEMISTRY MAINLY A LOT OF MY WORK THAT I'VE DONE, BUT I THINK YOU DID A GREAT JOB, SO...

YOU GET A LITTLE BIT OF THAT CREDIT YOURSELF.

THANK YOU, I WILL.

AND YOU DID A GOOD JOB ON THE COMMERCIAL.

I'M SHANE NAMINSKI.

NEW MANANGER AND OWNER OF DEJA VU SHOW GIRLS IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES.

*

DON'T HAVE A DATE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

NO PROBLEM.

WE'VE GOT YOU... COVERED.

WE'RE AT CAPACITY.

JUST WAIT YOUR TURN.

THANK YOU.

[HECKLING]

*

NAH NAH NAH AHHH.

*

JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

A DEJA VU EXCLUSIVE.

THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE POLE DANCE.

OOH, WHAT'S THAT?

I GUESS I'M JUST PROUD THAT I'VE DISCOVERED SOMETHING.

I'M SORTA LIKE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

EXCEPT WITHOUT THE BOATS.

*

SO COME DOWN TO DEJA VU FOR OUR GRAND RE-OPENING VALENTINE'S DAY.

IT'S DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN.

[GIRLS] IT'S DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN.

HEY, I JUST SAID THAT.

[LAUGHING]

CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

YEAH, WHAT IS THIS ROOM?

I CAN'T FIND THE KEY THAT OPENS IT.

[DEEP BREATH]

YEAH.

UH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT TO GO IN THERE.

WHY?

WELL...

ERNIE USED TO SAY THAT THE GANGSTERS THAT HE BOUGHT THIS PLACE FROM BURIED THE ORIGINAL OWNER IN THERE AND COVERED IT WITH CONCRETE.

YOU'RE KIDDING?

YES.

[LAUGHING]

IT'S AN ELECTRICAL ROOM.

HARRY LOST THE KEY.

YOU MIDWESTERN BOYS SURE ARE GULLIBLE.

OH, UM...

THERE'S SOME WEIRD PEOPLE WANDERING AROUND UPSTAIRS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY WEIRD?

YOU SHOULD GO SEE.

[LAUGHING]

L'CHAIM.

[ALL TOGETHER] L-CHAIM!

CHEERS.

[LAUGHING]

CAN I HELP YOU?

BOOM.

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE OWNER.

I HOPE ERNIE DOESN'T MIND THAT WE'VE STARTED THE PARTY WITHOUT HIM.

AS HE IS TERRIBLY LATE.

UH...

ERNIE WON'T BE COMING.

WHY NOT?

HE'S DEAD.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL A GOOD EXCUSE.

ERNIE WAS LIKE A BROTHER.

SO WHO ARE YOU?

I'M SHANE. I'M HIS NEPHEW.

I'M THE NEW OWNER.

CAPTAIN LOU TENNANT AT YOUR SERVICE.

NO NEED TO SALUTE.

YOUR UNCLE AND I WERE VERY CLOSE.

WE'RE GONNA DEDICATE THE SHOW TO YOUR UNCLE.

A TRIBUTE.

WHAT SHOW?

CAPTAIN LOU TENNANT PRESENTS LA COMEDIA DEL ARC.

BOOKED IT WITH ERNIE OVER A YEAR AGO.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

VERY SAD ABOUT ERNIE, BUT A DEAL IS A DEAL.

BESIDES IT'S A GREAT SHOW, KID.

LOOK, MR. TENNANT-

-CALL ME CAPTAIN. -I'D RATHER NOT.

LISTEN, YOUR SHOW'S NOT GOING TO WORK FOR US.

DID I MENTION THAT YOU GET 50% AT THE DOOR?

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.

DON'T.

THIS GIG GETS CANCELED, I'M GONNA START CUTTING OFF THUMBS.

MY APOLOGIES.

RAW EMOTION.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIS ACT SO POWERFUL.

WHAT IS HIS ACT?

[CRUNCHING GLASS]

OH MY GOD. IT'S SO GROSS.

EATS ANYTHING.

GLASS.

WOOD.

MOST POROUS METALS.

NOBODY LIKE HIM.

TRICKS ARE HARDER TO DO THAN EATING THINGS.

LIKE WE ALL DO, MAYBE.

REALLY?

THEY'RE HARDER TO DO?

YEAH.

HAVE YOU EVER PASSED AN ENTIRE SET OF WEDGWOOD CHINA BEFORE?

I'M CARRIE OKEY.

AND THIS IS FIRENZO.

IT'S KINDA SELF-EXPLANATORY.

IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING COMBUSTIBLE AND INCENDIARY.

IT'S REALLY EXCITING.

YES.

I WAS MARRIED.

AND UH...

HE FUCKED MY WIFE.

AND UH...

I KICKED HER OUT OF MY PLACE AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE.

SHE'S DOING WELL NOW.

SHE'S DOING GREAT.

SHE'S AT HOME.

SHE DOESN'T COME TO THE SHOWS AT ALL BECAUSE IT WOULD GET A LITTLE AWKWARD BUT-

ANOTHER THING HE MADE DISAPPEAR.

CHECK THIS.

RIGHT.

YOU SHOULD SEE HER- [GASP]

[CRASH]

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGARD FOR MY COLON WHATSOEVER?

EHH.

*

WELL, I'M AMBER.

I'M ONE OF THE BEST STRIPPERS HERE.

*

AND HE IS A SUPER.

A MEGA SUPERSTAR.

KROL FROM...

SOME EASTERN EUROPEAN BLOC COUNTRY.

ARE YOU A COMMUNIST?

I'M INTERNATIONAL BABY.

OH.

*

[JOSH] ALRIGHT GUYS, GIVE IT UP FOR AMBER.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A TIGHT END.

[CHEERING]

BRAVA! BRAVA!

I'M NOT GREEK BUT I BRING SOME GIFTS.

MOLTA BELLA.

IT'S FOR YOU.

NO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

BUT WHY? I WANTED TO BRING SOMETHING SPECIAL.

NO, YOU REALLY, REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I HAVE MELISAPHOBIA.

OH, YOU HAVE SOME DISEASES?

NO, I HAVE MELISAPHOBIA.

IT'S- IT'S A FEAR OF BEARS.

I WENT TO YOSEMITE WITH MY FATHER WHEN I WAS SIX, AND THERE WAS THIS MAN IN A COSTUME OF SMOKEY THE BEAR.

HE WAS GIVING A FIRE SAFETY DEMONSTRATION TO THE KIDS, AND HE CAUGHT FIRE, AND HE JUST WENT MENTAL.

I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

EVER SINCE THEN I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF BEARS.

I WILL KILL THIS BEAR.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW, YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU-

-OH HO HO, YOU POLISH PIECE OF SHIT.

CHILL OUT, LAYLA.

WOULD YOU REALLY BE SURPRISED THAT A GUY WOULD RATHER HAVE CAVIAR THAN TUNA FISH?

HMM CAVIAR?

MORE LIKE DOG FOOD FOR A BITCH.

REALLY, REALLY? -YEAH.

REALLY? -YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, BITCH?

[YELLING AT EACH OTHER]

[ALL YELLING]

AREN'T YOU GONNA STOP THEM?

[ALL YELLING]

NO, I'M NOT.

[ARGUING AND SWEARING]

GOOD CALL.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

MY NAME IS MIKE HAUSER.

UH, I'M CURRENTLY ON DISABILITY.

UH, I MADE MY LIVING BEING A ROADIE.

A ROADIED FOR UH, RATT.

I'M CURRENTLY LIVING WITH MY PARENTS.

UH THEY LIVE IN SANDY PARK MOBILE COMMUNITY.

IT'S LOT NUMBER 5.

IF YOU WANNA STOP BY, PLEASE DO.

WE DON'T GET A LOT OF VISITORS.

I THINK THEY LOOK REAL, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE A FEAR THAT I'VE BEEN LIKE OVER-STUFFING LATELY.

[LAUGHING] -HEY.

HEY, CAN WE INTEREST YOU GUYS IN A NIGHT CAP?

WE SHOULD REALLY GET GOING ACTUALLY.

OH COME ON.

JUST ONE.

ONE.

OK, ONE.

THEN WE GOTTA GET GOING.

I GOTTA GET UP EARLY.

THANK YOU.

TO BAD DECISIONS.

YES!

WHAT WAS THE FREAK OUT IN THE DRESSING ROOM ALL ABOUT EARLIER?

[LAUGHING]

SCHEDULING CONFLICT.

WOO.

RIGHT NOW I SAY LET'S STOP TALKING ABOUT LIKE BORING WORK STUFF.

AND LET'S GET TOTALLY HIGH.

YES.

LET'S GO.

BYE.

ALRIGHT.

SO, HOW EXACTLY DO YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO SCHEDULE WHO WITH WHOM?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS YOU GOTTA BE KIND OF A PEOPLE PERSON.

YOUR UNCLE ERNIE WAS THE BEST AT IT.

HARRY ON THE OTHER HAND IS...

CLINICALLY INSANE.

NOT CLINICALLY.

IT'S JUST NOW THAT YOUR UNCLE ISN'T MANAGING, HIS CHOICES AREN'T THE BEST.

BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR, RIGHT?

OH, THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR?

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[LAUGHING] YES, I HOPE SO.

DON'T BE A PUSSY, HASSELHOFF.

LICK IT BEFORE YOU STICK IT.

OOH!

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE COMING BACK?

NO.

AND SHE'S MY RIDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.

I MEAN... IF YOU DON'T MIND RIDING IN KITT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOUR CAR IS RAD.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY RAD.

IT'S TOTALLY RAD.

WHY DO YOU GOTTA GET UP SO EARLY?

OH, I- I HAVE CLASS AT EIGHT.

CLASS?

YES, CLASS.

I GOT TO SCHOOL.

DON'T LOOK SO SURPRISED.

I'M 21 UNITS AWAY FROM GETTING MY BUSINESS DEGREE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FIGURES.

YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON THAT HAS ANY CLUE HOW TO RUN THIS PLACE.

I WAS KINDA HOPING THAT MAYBE I COULD TAKE YOU FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.

MAYBE YOU COULD SHOW ME A THING OR TWO ABOUT SCHEDULING SO I CAN AVOID HAVING INNER-STRIPPER WARFARE.

[LAUGHING]

I MIGHT HAVE JUST ENOUGH ENERGY TO HELP YOU WITH THAT.

[LAUGHS]

ALRIGHT, COOL.

LET'S GO.

I'LL GET YOUR DOOR.

OK.

WOO! I'M GONNA SIT IN KITT.

ALRIGHT, BE CAREFUL BECAUSE HE'LL TALK TO YOU.

[CHRISTINA] IT MIGHT BE KIND OF OUT OF THE WAY FOR YOU.

IS THAT OK?

[SHANE] I HAVEN'T SEEN MUCH OF L.A. ANYWAYS.

SO MAYBE YOU CAN GIVE ME THE TOUR.

[CHRISTINA] WHAT DO YOU THINK OF L.A.?

[SHANE] I LIKE IT NOW THAT I'M RIDING AROUND WITH YOU.

WHAT?

[LAUGHING]

OH LOOK AT YOU, MR. SWEET TALKER.

[TOMMY] WOULD YOU SAY YOU'RE MORE OF A TIT MAN OR AN ASS MAN?

UM...

WELL IT'S HARD TO SAY.

I LIKE TO BALANCE THAT...

IF SOMEHOW-

IF YOU COULD HAVE AN ASS THAT LOOKED LIKE A TIT, I THINK THAT WOULD BE THE PERFECT-

THAT WOULD JUST MAKE THE PERFECT THING FOR ME.

I'M PROUD OF MY FATHER.

HE OWNS LIKE .1% OF THIS CLUB.

BUT SINCE TAKING IT OVER, IT'S NOTHING BUT GREATNESS.

I LOOK UP TO HIM, BUT HE DOES NOT LOOK DOWN TO ME.

AND PLUS MY DAD'S A LEADER IN THE PAN SEXUAL COMMUNITY.

HOW MANY NIPPLES WOULD YOU GUESS THAT YOU'VE SEEN IN YOUR LIFETIME?

UM...

ODDLY ENOUGH I THINK IT'S SOMEWHERE IN THE AREA OF 32,013.

SO IT'S AN ODD NUMBER?

YEAH, I KNEW THIS ONE GIRL WHO HAD THREE.

*

HOW SWEET IS THIS NEW BAR, MAN?

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I SEE THE BILL.

RELAX.

I KNOW MY SPANISH IS A LITTLE RUSTY, BUT I'M LIKE 90% SURE WE GOT LIKE A RADICAL DEAL ON IT.

SIETECIENTOS IS SEVENTEEN, RIGHT?

NO, I THINK-

NO, IT'S A LOT MORE THAN SEVENTEEN.

THE BAR'S RIGHT THROUGH HERE.

SHANE, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET HIS MAJESTY, KROL CASHMERE.

YOU'RE PLEASED TO MEET ME.

LIKEWISE.

[LAUGHS]

PRETTY COOL HAVING A LITTLE ROYAL BLOOD IN THIS DUMP, HUH BOSS?

IF YOU SAY SO.

KROL'S THE PRINCE OF POLAND.

[LAUGHING]

I'M SORRY TO BREAK THE NEWS TO YOU FELLAS, BUT UH...

THERE'S NO ROYAL FAMILY IN POLAND.

NO KING. NO QUEEN.

NO PRINCE.

WHATEVER, RAND MCNALLY.

HE'S ROYAL BLOOD.

TELL HIM, JIMMY.

HE'S NOT ROYALTY.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS THE PRINCE OF POLAND?

I AM THE PRINCE IN POLAND.

HE'S A SINGER.

HE'S LIKE PRINCE.

BUT IN KRAKOW.

OH.

NOT AS COOL.

YOU KNOW, VERY DARK IS HERE.

IT'S SO DAMN SAD.

LET'S BRING HERE SOME COLORS.

MAKE IT, YOU KNOW, VEGAS.

SOMETHING CURRENT.

TODAY.

HE WANTS TO RENT THIS PLACE TO FILM HIS FIRST MUSIC VIDEO.

TELL HIM HE CAN RENT IT.

[LAUGHING] I'M A SERIOUS FILMMAKER, MAN.

I DON'T DEAL WITH PIDDLY LITTLE MUSIC VIDEOS.

WHATEVER, I'LL DIRECT IT.

LOOK, WE'RE STILL USING THE CLUB THOUGH, RIGHT?

NO.

NOBODY'S RENTING THE CLUB.

COME ON, SHANE.

BUSINESS IS BUSTING LOOSE.

WE GOTTA JUMP ON THE MOMENTUM.

KROL HERE CAN PUT US ON THE MAP.

NO, NO ONE'S RENTING THIS PLACE EVER AGAIN.

YEAH, ESPECIALLY JACKOFF SMIRNOFF OVER HERE.

HOW MUCH FOR THE WOMENS?

HE WANTS TO RENT SOME GIRLS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA PRETEND THAT I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

AND I'M GONNA PRETEND THAT YOU TWO DON'T WORK HERE.

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW SHOW BIZ.

GET OUT OF HERE AND GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

WHATEVER!

I'M THE PRINCE IN POLAND.

THEY TREAT ME LIKE GODS THERE.

MY HAPPIEST MEMORIES ARE ME LISTENING TO VIOLIN CONCERTOS ALONE IN MY ROOM.

I WANT TO COMBINE MY TWO GREAT LOVES.

MUSIC AND BEEN NAKED.

*

THE FIRST TIME I DID IT, I WAS PLAYING A BRAHMS CONCERTO.

AND RIGHT BEFORE THE CLIMAX IN THE THIRD MOVEMENT, I- I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I RIPPED OPEN MY BLOUSE AND I WENT CRAZY.

*

I GET KICKED OUT OF ORCHESTRAS A LOT.

MY PROFESSOR'S AT U.C.L.A. ARE REALLY UNDERSTANDING AND ENCOURAGING.

I HAVE A FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

I'VE JUST ALWAYS LOVED MUSIC.

[TONE]

[TOMMY] SO, ARE YOU MARRIED, OFFICER?

NO.

I'M PRETTY PICKY. UM...

WHAT'S THE SECRET TO BEING A GOOD LOVER?

COMMUNICATION.

I DON'T KNOW, FOR ME...

JUST MAKING SURE I DON'T HAVE THE GUN IN THE BED.

SORRY, I'M LATE.

THIS WHOLE DAYLIGHT SAVING'S TIME THING HAS ME SO CONFUSED.

DAYLIGHT SAVING'S TIME WAS LAST FALL.

BUT LAST FALL I LIVED IN INDIANA.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE DAYLIGHT SAVING'S TIME.

SO NOW THAT I LIVE HERE IN CALIFORNIA, I NEEDED TO MAKE UP FOR EVERYTHING.

SO I SWITCHED ALL MY CLOCKS AND EVERYTHING'S ALL MESSED UP.

ALSO I MADE POT BROWNIES FOR EVERYONE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

BUT, I FOUND A RECIPE WITHOUT THE POT.

HERE YOU GO.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

THANK YOU.

OH, SORRY.

THE DOOR WAS OPEN.

NO, UH...

CHLOE- CHLOE MADE BROWNIES.

AND THEY'RE POT FREE.

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, SWEETIE.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON STAGE AN HOUR AGO.

[SIGHS]

I CAN'T WAIT TO SPRING FORWARD.

UM, SO DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

I MEAN...

NO.

EVEN IF I DID, I DON'T GET OFF WORK UNTIL AFTER MIDNIGHT SO...

DO YOU?

UH NO. JUST WORK.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT.

RIGHT. -YEAH.

UH HEY UH...

I WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE UM...

DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'D WANT TO BE A MANAGER?

OH.

I MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE TO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

I'M- I'M JUST ASKING.

NO, I DO.

WOULD I GET A RAISE?

MAYBE.

WOULD I HAVE TO WEAR THIS STUPID PORN WAITRESS OUTFIT?

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THAT.

NO, DEFINITELY.

DEAL.

OK. GREAT. GOOD.

GREAT, WE'LL START YOU THIS WEEKEND.

WE'LL START YOU- I'M SORRY.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

GREAT. SOUNDS GOOD. THANK YOU.

OK. HEY, UH...

[CLEARS THROAT] ONE MORE THING, I UH...

NO, NO, FORGET IT.

ARE YOU SURE? NOTHING- NOTHING ELSE?

YEAH, YEAH, NO. I'M OK.

OK. -ALRIGHT.

OK.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

-HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH, YOU TOO.

DAMNIT.

[TOMMY] HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

LOVE.

UH, YES.

ONCE.

HE WAS A RODEO CLOWN.

HE WAS A SAD RODEO CLOWN.

THAT WAS HIS GIMMICK.

HE WAS THE SAD RODEO CLOWN.

BUT THAT CAUSED HIM TO MOVE SLOWLY.

UH, SO HE WAS KILLED TRAGICALLY.

AND HE COULDN'T RUN AWAY?

NO, HE WOULDN'T BREAK CHARACTER.

HE WOULDN'T BREAK CHARACTER.

HE WAS A SAD RODEO CLOWN AND SO EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS...

-IN SILENCE.

AND HE WAS KILLED PRETTY MUCH HIS FIRST TIME OUT.

WOW.

THAT IS SAD.

YEAH.

I'M REALLY SORRY TO BRING THAT UP, MAN.

SHANE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE MONEY, OK?

WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE MONEY.

WE HAVE A PAL NAMED EDDIE.

FAST EDDIE.

YEAH.

FAST EDDIE OWNS A COMPANY CALLED SEX TECH.

HE'S LIKE THE AMWAY OF SEX TOYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING.

SEX TECH IN EVERY STRIP CLUB IN AMERICA.

STARTING WITH THIS ONE.

THINK SEXY LEGOS.

SEXY JACK N THE BOX.

BOOM BOOM POP! PUSSY.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SEXY LEGOS?

THAT'S NOT SEX TOYS.

WE'RE TALKING LINCOLN LOGS THAT YOU PUT IN YOUR ASS.

THAT'S NOT WHAT FAST EDDIE'S THINKING, OK?

IT MAKES SENSE.

WHEN STAR WARS CAME OUT, I HAD THAT PRINCESS LEIA ACTION FIGURE WRAPPED AROUND MY DICK.

THAT WAS MY PRINCESS LEIA ACTION FIGURE.

I FUCKED HER.

YOU FUCKED LEIA?

I FUCKED YOUR CATCHERS MITT.

I FUCKED YOUR PLAYDOH.

I FUCKED YOUR TRAPPER KEEPER.

I SHOVED THAT RUBIK'S CUBE UP MY ASS.

DID YOU FUCK ALL MY TOYS?

PRETTY MUCH.

AHHH!

MAN.

DAD!!

THANK YOU GUYS FOR TAKING A COUPLE MINUTES OUT OF YOUR STRIPPING.

MY NAME IS EDDIE.

I AM THE C.E.O. OF SEX TECH.

[CLAPPING]

SO, I'M HERE TO PRESENT TO YOU THE NEXT PHASE IN ORGASMIC PLEASURE. RIGHT? REMEMBER?

[DEEP SIGH]

I CAN'T WAIT.

I HAVE BEEN MAKING SEX TOYS IN MY LABORATORY.

IT'S A GARAGE. IT'S REALLY AWESOME.

ALRIGHT, TAKE IT EASY.

AH COME ON, MAN.

DUDE, THERE'S NO DOOR.

YOUR CLUB.

CHEAP ASS.

DID YOU ASK CHRISTINA OUT?

OR ARE YOU UH, LIKE STILL A LIMP DICK?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M INTERESTED IN HER?

COME ON, DUDE.

SO I'M HERE TO PRESENT TO YOU THE COCK BOXER 2000.

[CLAPPING]

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU JUST GOTTA LIKE WRITE HER A NOTE, BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT TALKING TO GIRLS.

REMEMBER LUCY MARTIN?

YOU OBSESSED OVER HER A WHOLE SUMMER AT CAMP.

AND BY THE TIME YOU GOT THE NUTS TO ASK HER OUT, SHE WAS ALREADY FUCKING ANOTHER DUDE.

YEAH, YOU.

YOU FUCKED HER ON MY BUNK.

EXACTLY. THAT'S MY POINT.

YOU GOTTA CARPE DOUBLE DIEM.

SEIZE THE SNATCH, DUDE.

WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD I SAW MY PUPPY RED ROCKET.

[CLUCKS TONGUE]

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF FOR THE RED ROCKET YOU'D HAVE A HOLSTER?

LEATHER SOMETHING- YOU COULD BE MOBILE WITH IT?

LIKE AS A SIDE ITEM YOU COULD BUY.

WE SHOULD COME UP WITH THAT. WE SHOULD COME UP WITH THAT.

JUST HOLD IT.

AND YOU'RE READY TO GO.

BOOM. READY TO GO.

YOU'LL MAKE A LOT OF MONEY THAT WAY.

RIGHT.

IT'S TOO LATE ANYWAYS, MAN.

SHE'S WORKING TONIGHT.

DUDE, THAT'S PERFECT.

YOU JUST LIKE INVITE HER TO YOUR OFFICE FOR A LATE NIGHT DINNER.

WRITE HER THE NOTE, BE ALL FLOWERY AND WORDY AND GAY WHICH IS LIKE RIGHT IN YOUR WHEEL HOUSE.

MAKE IT FROM HER SECRET ADMIRER OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.

GET A LITTLE WINE.

A LITTLE CANDLELIGHT.

THIS IS A PROTOTYPE.

ALL THE KINKS HAVE NOT BEEN WORKED OUT.

ARE YOU READY TO BE TURNED ON?

YES.

[BUZZING]

[CLAPPING]

I- I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

OH!

OOH OOH!

[APPLAUSE]

OOH OOH!

YOU OK?

DOES ANYBODY WANT ONE?

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT? WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SODOMIZING HER ON YOUR DESK.

YEAH, YOU'RE A FUCKING TRUE ROMANTIC.

[CHUCKLING]

YOU KNOW, BUT IT'S NOT THE WORST IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD, BRO.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW, MAN UP.

INK THE QUILL.

AND GET RIGHT IN SHAKESPEARE.

ALRIGHT, MAN, I'M GONNA DO IT.

THANKS, DUDE.

FUCK YEAH, MAN.

OH FUCK. DUDE, I HAVE NO TOILET PAPER.

DUDE, ALL I HAVE IS ROLLING PAPERS!

I'VE BEEN IN LOVE TWO TIMES.

THE FIRST WAS KURT GORGSKY.

WE DID IT IN HIS WINNEABAGO AT THE INDY 500.

BUT KURT JUST WASN'T EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.

AND HE ALSO HUFFED A LOT OF GAS.

*

TITTY, TITTY, TITTY.

[CHEERING]

YEAH, BABY.

WOO.

CHRISTINA.

SOMEBODY LEFT THESE OUT FRONT FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

WHO IS IT FROM?

IT SAYS ANONYMOUS.

I THINK.

ANONYMOUS? THAT'S WEIRD.

IN MATTERS OF THE HEART, NOTHING IS ORDINARY.

EXCEPT THE IMPROBABLE.

THANKS, PAULIE.

I'M GONNA LEAVE NOW.

UH HUH.

BYE.

WOO!

TITTIES.

UGH!

GOD DAMNIT!

JOSH, BIG GULP, LIGHT BOARD.

TOTAL BLACK OUT.

[CROWD COMPLAINING]

COME ON, COME ON.

[CHRISTINA] GO GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

GO, GO, GO!

[ELECTRIC ZAPPING]

UGH.

GOD.

IT'S SO SWEET I WANT TO PUKE.

[JOSH] WE'RE JUST GOING TO TAKE JUST A SMALL BREAK RIGHT NOW.

WHILE I TRY TO GET SOME MORE FEELING THROUGHOUT MY BODY AND UH... COMING UP NEXT-

[PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

CHLOE, OH MY GOD.

SOMEONE LEFT FLOWERS AND A CARD FOR YOU.

LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A SECRET ADMIRER.

FOR ME? REALLY?

OH MY GOD, READ IT.

IF MUSIC IS THE FOOD OF LOVE, THAN PLAY ON.

MEET ME TONIGHT FOR A CANDLELIGHT DINNER.

CLOTHING OPTIONAL.

X.X.X.O.

OH MY GOSH, IT'S SHANE.

TODAY WHEN I GAVE HIM A HUG, CHRISTINA CAME IN AND IT GOT ALL WEIRD.

I'M SO EXCITED.

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?

WELL IF IT WERE ME, I'D WEAR SOMETHING EXTRA SLUTTY.

BUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

GUYS LIKE IT WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE MYSTERIOUS AND UNPREDICTABLE, SO COME EARLY AND SURPRISE HIM.

YEAH.

MYSTERIOUS.

I LIKE THAT.

OOH.

MAYBE I SHOULD SHAVE MY BUSH INTO A LITTLE HEART SHAPE.

THANKS SO MUCH, BOOTS.

BYE.

IDIOT.

OH MY GOSH.

HI, SHANE.

I'M READY FOR YOU.

I THINK SHANE...

IS SO DREAMY.

WELL HELLO, SHANE.

I'VE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY GIRL.

BANG.

RIGHT IN THE HEART.

HE'S LIKE THE SWEETEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

ARE YOU SURPRISED?

I'M SO SURPRISED.

HE'S DEFINITELY THE BOYFRIEND KIND OF GUY.

I COULD SEE HIM TAKING ME OUT ON A DATE AND-

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

[SIGHS]

MYSTERIOUS CHLOE.

OH, CHLOE YEAH.

OH YEAH.

SURPRISE.

TAKING ME TO A NICE DINNER AND MOVIE, AND THEN AT THE END, HE JUST PULLS HIS COCK OUT AND HE JUST FUCKS THE SHIT OUT OF MY PUSSY.

TAKE ME, SHANE.

I LOVE YOU.

OH OH!

YES.

OH GOSH, SHANE.

*

[KNOCKING]

[SEDUCTIVE GIGGLE]

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

BEING MYSTERIOUS.

THIS IS NICE.

SHHH.

[GIGGLES]

OK.

TAKE IT OFF.

CHLOE!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH BABY, I WANT YOUR CANDY IN MY BOX RIGHT NOW.

CHLOE!

CHRISTINA. -CHRISTINA!

CHRISTINA, WAIT UH...

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I LIKE YOUR HAIR. IT LOOKS VERY PRETTY.

WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.

IS THIS WHY YOU INVITED ME HERE?

SO THAT YOU COULD HAVE A THREEWAY WITH A STRIPPER AND A COCKTAIL WAITRESS?

IT'S OK, CHRISTINA.

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT EITHER.

I DIDN'T PLAN THIS.

I'M UP FOR IT IF YOU ARE.

YOUR BODY'S AMAZING.

CHRISTINA, I'M- I AM SO SORRY.

NO, I AM SORRY.

I GUESS I'M JUST AN OLD FASHIONED GIRL WHO ISN'T INTO OTHER GIRLS.

I'M NOT EITHER.

I MEAN I AM- I AM, BUT I JUST- ONLY ONE AT A TIME.

IT'S OK, GUYS. WE CAN SWITCH OFF.

THANK YOU, CHLOE.

HE'S ALL YOURS.

I TRY TO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON THAT I WORK WITH AT A TIME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER NEXT WEEK AND FUCK EACH OTHER'S BRAINS OUT.

BECAUSE I DON'T WORK HERE ANYMORE.

DON'T FORGET TO LOCK UP.

CHRISTINA, COME ON, WAIT.

I'M SORRY, SHANE.

YEAH, ME TOO.

SHOULD I GO AND GET ONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS, OR...

AM I ENOUGH?

NO WAIT, I CAN'T.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

I'M SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

WE'RE HERE TO LEARN.

WE'RE HERE TO STRETCH.

LET'S JUST IMPROVISE A LITTLE.

LET'S JUST MOVE AROUND.

JUST AD-LIB SOMETHING.

JUST SHAKE. MOVE AROUND.

JUST DANCE A LITTLE.

JUST DANCE A LITTLE. JUST DANCE A LITTLE.

OK, NOW LADIES, I WANT YOU DO ME A FAVOR.

POINT TO WHAT YOU THINK IS YOUR GREATEST ASSET AS A DANCER.

POINT TO WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

NO, NO.

NO, YOU'RE ALL WRONG.

YOU'RE ALL WRONG.

NO, IT'S THIS THING.

IT'S THIS THING.

OH OUR FACES?

YEAH, YOU CARRY AROUND ON THE FRONT OF YOUR HEAD.

YOUR FACE.

THAT'S YOUR GREATEST ASSET AS A DANCER.

YOU WANT TO HAVE ANGEL EYES AND DEVIL SMILE.

OR YOU WANT TO HAVE AN ANGEL SMILE AND DEVIL EYES.

YOU NEVER- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M SO SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, WHEN YOU COME IN LATE LIKE THIS...

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ME YOU'RE DISRESPECTING.

I'M SORRY LADIES.

YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T TAKE THIS ART SERIOUSLY.

YEAH, EVERYONE GIVE ME EITHER ANGEL EYES, DEVIL SMILE OR DEVIL EYES, ANGEL SMILE.

GO.

NO, YOU'RE DOING- YOU'RE DOING DEVIL DEVIL.

DON'T DO DEVIL DEVIL.

CRAZY. IT COMES OFF CRAZY.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

CHLOE'S GOT IT. CHLOE'S GOT IT.

SHE'S GOT THE DEVIL EYES NOW AND THE ANGEL SMILE-

I'VE BEEN IN PAGEANTS SINCE I WAS THREE.

WHENEVER I'M GETTING ALL OF THIS MONEY, IT'S LIKE I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYWHERE TO PUT IT ANYMORE.

YEAH, WHERE DO YOU PUT IT? EXACTLY.

SO, WE NEED LIKE POUCHES OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN REALLY WEAR A POUCH.

OH, A FANNY PACK? LIKE PINK?

YEAH, FANNY PACKS!

NO MAN ALIVE CAN MAINTAIN AN ERECTION WHEN HE'S LOOKING AT A WOMAN WEARING A FANNY PACK.

I'M NOT SAYING WHO'S THE BEST.

I'M GONNA SAY WHO HAS-

YOU ALL HAVE YOUR GOOD TRAITS.

LAYLA, YOU HAVE GREAT TITS, LAYLA.

YOU HAVE GREAT TITS.

AND YOU HAVE GOOD INTERPERSONAL SKILLS.

YOU TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT.

YOU COMBINE RESPECT WITH GREAT TITS AND YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING MAGICAL GOING ON ONSTAGE.

AND CHLOE AND YOU JUST MAKE IT ALL SEEM PURE.

IT'S LIKE GOING TO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER AT A DANCE RECITAL.

IT'S JUST WHOLESOME.

YOU HAVE WHOLESOME TITS.

AND THAT'S- THAT'S THAT IS A GIFT FROM GOD.

THAT YOU CAN'T BUY.

WELL...

THERE'S PEOPLE WORKING ON IT.

*

[HOOTING AND HOLLERING]

[JIMMY] GENTLEMAN, A QUICK REMAINDER.

THERE ARE NO DRUGS ALLOWED HERE IN THE BUILDING, BUT HOWEVER BEHIND THE BUILDING OR IN MY CAR, THEY ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE.

[PITT] DICKY A HAND JOB? DICKY-?

[CHANCY] WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME-

DID YOU GIVE SHANE A COCK GOBBLE?

[SHOUTING AT EACHOTHER]

WHAT THE HELL?

I LOVE YOU.

*

SHANE.

WE'RE GOING TO A NAKED POOL PARTY IN THE VALLEY.

WHAT?

NO ONE SAID NAKED?

[CHUCKLING]

YOU COMING, MAN?

NO, I HAVE A DATE ALREADY.

WITH JACK.

SHE'S GONE, BROTHER.

YOU GOTTA HANG TOUGH.

A NEW DAY WILL DAWN FOR THOSE WHO STAY STRONG.

ZEPPELIN.

THEY SPEAK TRUTH.

JUST CALL IF YOU GET WEIRD, OK MAN?

BABES.

[GIRL] WAIT, IS HE ALREADY HIGH? GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

[TOMMY] IT'S NOT EVEN MY CAR.

I AM NOT LETTING YOU DRIVE.

WHEN DID YOU GET HIGH?

JUST ALL WEEK, MAN, WHAT THE FUCK?

[JIMMY] ALRIGHT, GUYS, LET'S PUT THIS TRAIN WRECK TO SLEEP.

IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING.

DOES ANYONE CARE WHERE YOU ARE?

ANY CHANCE YOU'RE GOING UP THE 101 NORTH, I COULD USE A RIDE.

SERIOUSLY.

PANCAKES ARE ON ME.

WHAT THE FUCK?

CAN'T GET IT IN?

[GASPS]

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

DON'T BE SCARED.

YOU LOOK AWFUL.

IS IT CHRISTINA?

[SIGHS]

I CAN'T LET YOU DRIVE HOME LIKE THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH, COME HOME WITH ME, AND...

WE'LL TALK.

YEAH, I COULD...

I COULD USE A GOOD TALK.

WELL THAT'S GOOD, 'CUZ I'M A GOOD TALKER.

I WANT YOU TALK MY BRAINS OUT.

I COULD TALK TO YOU ALL NIGHT LONG.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY, SHANE.

*

[BARKS]

YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

UH, UH.

*

YES.

UH, UH, OOH.

SUCH A DIRTY FUCKING BOY.

[MOANING]

I KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

AHH!

OH YES. OOH!

UGH!

*

[FABRIC RIPPING]

OH YES.

OH MY GOD.

GOOD MORNING, STUD.

[LAUGHS]

WOW.

I THOUGHT YOUR UNCLE WAS A WILD RIDE.

I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

I MADE COFFEE.

ERNIE TOOK HIS WITH LOTS OF CREAM AND SUGAR.

OH.

WE'LL HAVE TO GET HIS THINGS OUT OF THE CLOSET.

YOU'LL HAVE TO HELP ME.

HE WAS KIND OF A PACK RAT, BUT WE'LL MAKE ROOM.

MAKE ROOM FOR WHAT?

YOUR CLOTHES.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

WE DON'T HAVE TO MOVE EVERYTHING IN AT ONCE.

OH AND UH...

YOU'RE ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.

BUT, UH, EVERYTHING'S NEGOTIABLE.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT OVER BREAKFAST.

GUESS WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST.

[CHUCKLES]

STOP.

OH OOH.

BABY.

I GOTTA- I GOTTA GO HOME.

SHANE YOU ARE HOME.

LAST NIGHT- -LAST NIGHT WAS A MISTAKE.

WHAT?

SHANE.

WE WOULD BE SUCH A GREAT TEAM.

AND EVERY NIGHT WILL JUST BE LIKE LAST NIGHT.

OK?

WE'LL BE SO GREAT TOGETHER.

YEAH, BUT WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.

WE'RE NEVER GOING TO BE TOGETHER.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT?

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I GOTTA GO.

SHANE.

SHANE!

GET BACK IN THIS BED!

YOU'RE NOT FUCKING LEAVING.

FUCK.

I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.

[PHONE RINGING]

HEALTH AND SAFETY.

DICKY.

IT'S MOMMY.

I NEED A FAVOR.

IT'S ABOUT THE CLUB.

WHATEVER YOU NEED, I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT, ALRIGHT?

*

WOAH WOAH, JEEZ.

HOW 'BOUT AN I.D.?

HERE'S MY I.D.

NOW THE GET FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

LET'S SAY I DON'T.

SMACK THAT BITCH.

TOUCH ME AND YOU'LL BE EATING YOUR LUNCH IN LOCK UP, GIGANTOR.

IT SUCKS, PAULIE, I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST DOING MY JOB.

YEAH, FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, HUH?

SERIOUSLY?

I'M SORRY.

[MUSIC STOPS] HEY! COME ON.

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY.

ALRIGHT, TOOTS.

GET OF THE STAGE.

ATTENTION PLEASE.

LISTEN UP.

MY NAME IS RICHARD MITHERS.

DICK. [CHUCKLES]

I'M THE CITY HEALTH AND SAFETY INSPECTOR AND AS PER THE NEW ORDER OF THE CITY COUNCIL, ALL PUBLIC ADULT DANCING IS HEREBY BANNED WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS.

WHAT?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS PLACE IS A STRIP CLUB!

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

MAYOR MCCHEESE, COULD YOU KINDLY GET THE FUCK OFF MY STAGE?

[CLAPPING]

YEAH.

NO, I CAN'T.

THE SHOW'S OVER.

SAYS WHO?

SAYS ME AND THE CITY COUNCIL.

AND THE NEW ZONING ORDINANCE 22.

SECTION 3.

I CAN READ IT FOR YOU IF YOU LIKE.

WELL, I'M SHOCKED.

I AM TOO. NOBODY CONTACTED US.

NO, I'M SHOCKED THAT A CITY OFFICIAL CAN READ.

OH, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY.

NO, I THINK THIS IS VERY SAD.

I MEAN, YOU SHUT THIS PLACE DOWN, THERE GOES YOUR LAST CHANCE ON EARTH TO SEE A WOMAN NAKED.

THIS IS CRAP.

YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR FROM OUR LAWYER.

WE HAVE A LAWYER?

I ASSUMED WE DID.

NO... -OH, SHIT.

THE ORDINANCE STANDS.

IF VIOLATED, YOU'LL BE TALKING TO THE POLICE.

OH, THAT'D BE DANDY.

I LOVE OUR POLICE OUR BOYS IN BLUE.

THAT REMINDS ME SARGE, I GOTTA GET YOU BACK YOUR HANDCUFF KEYS.

OH ONE MORE THING.

YOUR CITY TAXES ARE TWO YEARS PAST DUE.

PAY THEM IN FULL BY FRIDAY AT 5PM...

OR THE CITY WILL SIEZE THE PROPERTY.

HAVE A NICE DAY, HOROWITZ.

TWO YEARS? TWO YEARS?

YEAH.

I'M SORRY.

[SIGHS]

WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

FUCK.

ALRIGHT, LADIES, STAGE IS CLOSED.

[EVERYONE GROANING]

WHAT?

COME ON.

[TONE]

*

NOW THAT THE CLUB IS CLOSING DOWN, I'M HOPEFUL THAT THE CHINESE BUFFET WILL COME BACK, SO...

I'LL STILL BE HERE.

[TOMMY] SO CHLOE, NOW THAT WE'RE SHUT DOWN, WHAT'S YOUR DREAM JOB?

I WOULD LIKE TO GO INTO BIOLOGY, PERHAPS STUDYING PHOTOSYNTHESIS.

REALLY? -YES.

DO YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT SCIENCE?

I MEAN I LOVE THE SUN AND I LOVE WATER.

YOU CAN STILL SMELL THE SOY SAUCE.

THAT'S NOT SOY SAUCE.

*

HEY.

HI.

UH...

I JUST CAME BY TO GET THE REST OF MY STUFF.

SORRY ABOUT THE CITY THING.

HARRY TOLD ME ON HIS WAY OUT.

BAD DAY.

YEAH.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD.

BUSY.

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL FULL TIME NEXT SEMESTER.

FULL TIME, LIKE, NO JOB?

YEAH. I'VE BEEN SAVING.

I THINK I'LL JUST MAKE IT.

YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I'M GOING TO GET DRUNK.

VERY, VERY DRUNK.

AND THEN I'M GONNA FIGURE OUT HOW TO RAISE $5,000 BY FRIDAY AT 5.

WITHOUT ANY DANCERS.

I KNOW EVERYBODY MISSES YA...

[CLEARS THROAT]

I MISS YOU.

I GOTTA GO.

GOOD LUCK.

THANKS.

*

[LAYLA] AWW, YOU GUYS LOOK SO SAD.

SHANE, HAVE YOU MET HANNA?

I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEEN OFFICIALLY INTRODUCED.

I WOULD STAND UP BUT I CAN'T.

[LAUGHING]

KEKAW!

KEKAW! KEKAW!

SHE JUST MOVED HERE FROM SAN FRANCISCO.

SHE WANTS TO DANCE FOR YOU.

MM, WELL I WOULD LOVE THAT.

BUT AS YOU KNOW OUR STAGE HAS BEEN CLOSED BY THE MAN.

FUCK THE MAN.

AT MY OLD CLUB WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A STAGE.

-REALLY? WE JUST GAVE PRIVATE DANCES.

I THOUGHT I COULD SHOW YOU.

LAYLA.

HOP ON THE STALLION.

[LAUGHING]

ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET, MAN?

FUN IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

OH MY GOD.

THIS SHOULD BE A RIDE AT DISNEY LAND.

THIS SHOULD BE A FUCKING OLYMPIC SPORT.

[GIGGLING]

WOO!

NO, HANNA, NO.

YES.

OH GOD.

HANNA, YOU GOTTA STOP, YOU GOTTA STOP, YOU GOTTA STOP.

DUDE, WITH DANCERS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

[LAUGHING]

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT.

WAIT, FUCK!

WITH DANCERS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

WOO!

YOU SICK, BEAUTIFUL, EVIL GENIUS.

WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

WITH DANCERS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

DON'T YOUG FUCKING GET IT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND BUT I'M STILL REALLY HAPPY.

THE NEW LAW SAYS NO PUBLIC DANCING.

SO WE'RE GONNA DO PRIVATE DANCING.

YES. WE'RE GONNA CALL IT A LAP DANCE.

ALRIGHT?

IT'S PERFORMED ONE-ON-ONE FOR THE INDIVIDUAL ENTERTAINMENT OF THE CUSTOMER, EITHER AT A TABLE, OR IN A BOOTH, OR IN A PRIVATE SEATING AREA.

AND I'VE WRITTEN UP SOME RULES AND PRACTICES THAT EVERYONE WILL FOLLOW WHEN PERFORMING A LAP DANCE.

AND THE CARDINAL RULE IS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE.

HEY!

OW. DAD.

DON'T CALL ME DAD. DON'T CALL ME DAD.

CALL ME HARRY. CALL ME HARRY.

GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT.

I'M GOING TO DISPLAY FOR YOU GUYS HOW THIS WORKS.

CHLOE COME HERE, CHLOE, COME HERE, COME HERE.

THERE IS APPROPRIATE AND INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING, ALRIGHT?

NOW, THIS IS APPROPRIATE TOUCHING.

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING.

OK?

APPROPRIATE.

INAPPROPRIATE.

OK? LADIES, YOU KNOW WHICH IS THIS?

WHICH IS THIS?

APPROPRIATE.

YES, APPROPRIATE.

AND?

I'M CONFUSED.

IT'S OK. WE'LL DO THIS AS MUCH AS WE HAVE TO

'TIL EVERYONE GETS IT, OK?

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.

WHAT I'M DOING NOW IS INAPPROPRIATE.

HARRY, I THINK- -THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.

I THINK THEY GET THE POINT.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE WE'RE ALL CLEAR ON THIS.

OK, EVERYONE GETS THIS.

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.

RIGHT. -RIGHT?

OK.

AND THIS. AND THIS.

OK, I THINK EVERYBODY GETS IT.

WE HAVE THREE DAYS TO RAISE THE MONEY WE NEED TO PAY BACK THE CITY WHAT WE OWE.

OUR FUTURE IS IN YOUR G-STRING, LADIES.

SO LET'S DANCE!

YEAH!

[CLAPPING]

LET'S JUST GO THROUGH THIS ONE MORE TIME THOUGH BEFORE WE GET OUT THERE.

INAPPROPRIATE.

*

CHLOE IS KILLING IT RIGHT NOW.

*

THREE DOLLARS?

REALLY?

ALRIGHT.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? COME ON, GIVE ME THE REST.

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A LOT MORE AT THE DOG TRACK, BUT GO 'HEAD. TAKE IT.

*

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, MAN.

I THINK WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

*

[TOMMY] TWENTY-EIGHT HOURS TO GO, MAN.

WE GONNA MAKE IT?

[SHANE] YEAH, WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT, DUDE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE CASH TO SPARE.

GOOD, BECAUSE I'M RUNNING LOW ON SPE-

[SHANE] WOAH, WHAT THE HELL IS CHLOE DOING OUTSIDE THE CLUB?

[TOMMY] ANDWHY DOES SHE HAVE CLOTHES ON?

WAIT, DID THE SHORT BUS BREAK DOWN?

SHANE!

OH THANK GOD.

I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T MISS YOU.

MISS ME?

I COULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOOD BYE.

GOOD BYE? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

AROUND THE WORLD, BABY.

YEAH.

THIS IS SNAKES.

WOO!

THEY JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL AND THEY'RE TAKING ME ON TOUR WITH THEM.

I'M GOING TO BE THEIR OFFICIAL SNAKE GIRL.

THIS IS VINNY.

THIS IS WYATT.

AND THIS IS THE LEAD SINGER, TANK.

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS REALLY ARE SNAKES.

HOLD ON.

THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF HER, BROTHER.

WE THOUGHT WE LOST HER.

NO PROBLEM.

CHLOE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

I NEED YOU.

SHH.

I KNOW IT HURTS SHANE, BUT IN TIME YOU'LL GET OVER ME.

JUST BE STRONG.

NO.

I- I- THE CLUB NEEDS YOU.

YOU'RE OUR BIGGEST EARNER.

I'M SORRY, I KIND OF HAVE MY CAREER TO THINK ABOUT.

WHAT CAREER?

THE BAND WANTS ME TO HANDLE THEIR SNAKES ON THE ROAD.

SHE'S A NATURAL.

EVERY NIGHT THEY LOWER ME DOWN ONTO THE STAGE AND I AM WRAPPED IN A BIKINI OF LIVE PYTHONS.

FUCKING-A.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

SOUNDS AWESOME.

AND SUPER SAFE.

OH, DON'T WORRY, SHANE.

THEY FEED THEM THESE SUPER STRONG TRANQUILIZERS.

HAHA HELL YEAH.

THE SAME KIND WE EAT RIGHT BEFORE A SHOW.

YOU WANT SOME?

UH, NO THANKS I HAD SUPER STRONG TRANQUILIZERS FOR LUNCH.

I'LL TAKE ONE IF YOU DON'T MIND.

THANK YOU, SHANE.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE SWEETEST PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE WITH YOU.

BE CAREFUL, CHLOE.

AND IF UH, YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING...

ACTUALLY THE COPS KEPT THE TOUR BUS.

AND WE NEED TO BE AT THE AIRPORT IN AN HOUR.

SAY CHEESE.

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

AH, MY EYES.

DEAD OR ALIVE.

ACTION.

ACTION.

STOP SAYING THAT.

ACTION.

WE HAVE LIKE NO TIME ON THE CLOCK, DUDE.

ZERO. ZILCH. NADA.

WE HAVE 17 HOURS.

IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL IT'S OVER.

AND DON'T FOLLOW ME WITH THAT CAMERA.

IT'S GOING TO BE A WILD RIDE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE, MAN?

I COULDN'T TAKE HARRY SNORING.

[SIGHS]

HOW WE DOING?

WHERE WE AT?

STOP.

COME ON, TALK TO ME, MAN.

WE'RE SHORT.

NO WAY. NO WAY.

COUNT IT AGAIN.

COUNT IT AGAIN, MAN.

DUDE, I'VE COUNTED IT LIKE THREE FUCKING TIMES, MAN.

WE'RE SHORT.

GAME OVER.

[SIGHS]

HEY.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, T.

[SIGHS]

AT LEAST WE WENT DOWN SWINGING.

[CHRISTINA] WHAT'S THE COUNT?

HI. -HI.

WHAT'S THIS?

1,214 DOLLARS.

MY STUDENT LOAN MONEY.

YES.

THAT PUTS US OVER.

NO IT DOESN'T.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

YES, YOU CAN.

NO, I CAN'T.

YOU NEED THIS FOR SCHOOL.

I KNOW. IT'S A LOAN.

I CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO SCHOOL NEXT SEMESTER.

JUST TAKE IT.

BUT, I WILL BE NEEDING A JOB.

JUST SO HAPPENS I'M HIRING.

AND A RAISE.

MM...

OK.

BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO START RIGHT NOW.

SURE.

GO UPSTAIRS, MAKE SURE HARRY ISN'T DEAD, AND CALL EVERYBODY.

WE'RE CELEBRATING.

YES!

BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY.

[LAUGHING]

OH, HEY CHRISTINA, ONE MORE THING.

THANKS.

AND, UM...

I'M SORRY.

I'M...

I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

YOU CAN MAKE IT UP TO ME.

YES, YES!

ALRIGHT.

WE GOTTA GET THIS MONEY LOCKED UP IN THE OFFICE, ASAP.

NO WAY, MAN.

I'VE BROKEN INTO THAT OFFICE LIKE TEN TIMES WITH JUST A CREDIT CARD.

FOR WHAT?

EH... EMERGENCY...

STUFF LIKE THAT.

NO BIGGIE, MAN.

YOU KNOW, THERE IS A MEGA PADLOCK IN THAT STORAGE ROOM.

YEAH, BUT YOU FORGET THE COMBINATION ALL THE TIME.

WHEN HAVE I EVER FORGOTTEN THE COMBINATION?

LAST WEEK.

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SECURITY NOW.

DEPRAVITY LATER.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

WHAT'S THE COMBINATION?

JUST ONE MORE TIME.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS EVERYBODY!

YES. YES.

*

HEY.

-HI.

OHH!

HEY.

HIYA.

UH...

SO YEAH, THE PARTY'S JUST RIGHT IN THE OTHER ROOM.

WELL, I WAS THINKING OF, UH, HAVING A BIT OF A PRIVATE PARTY.

THOSE CAN BE FUN, TOO.

YEAH.

I KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT MORE FUN.

OH YEAH?

OPEN WIDE. -MM.

WHERE SHOULD WE GO?

HOW 'BOUT IN THERE?

OH, CAN'T.

GOTTA KEEP IT SECURE, YOU KNOW?

NODBODY'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE MONEY IS IN THERE.

OH SHIT.

UM, YOU KNOW, WE CAN JUST GO OUTSIDE TO THE VAN.

THAT WOULD BE FINE.

WELL, UH, WE COULD DO THAT.

OR WE COULD JUST SPREAD OUT ALL THAT FILTHY, DIRTY MONEY, AND JUST FUCK ON TOP OF IT.

ALSO A GOOD PLAN.

[GIGGLING]

I HAVE TO WARN YOU THOUGH. I'M A TERRIBLE DANCER.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU ARE.

UH UH UH.

OH.

JESUS.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE ME BACK THERE?

MY SPECIAL SEXY TIME MIX.

OH. OH.

OOH.

[GASPING]

OH.

OOH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU TOO?

*

SHANE. OFFICE NOW.

I'M SORRY. I GOTTA GO.

*

OH, YEAH.

VERY NICE.

MMHMM.

DID MOMMY BRING BABY A PRESENT?

SHE DID.

BABY LIKES.

OH WHAT THE FUCK BOOTS?

[GASPS]

OH, HELL NO!

THIS IS SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT HAPPENING ON MY WATCH.

WHO'S THIS IDIOT?

I'M THE GUY WHO'S GONNA STOP YOU FROM WALKING OUT OF HERE.

I'M DRIVING.

WHATEVER. YOU CAN CALL ME JIU JITSU.

YOU CAN CALL ME SMITH AND WESSON.

WHAT THE FUCK, DICKY? PUT THAT THING DOWN.

YOU KNOW DICKY, A MAN SHOULD NEVER PULL OUT A GUN UNLESS HE'S READY TO USE IT.

I'M READY.

[WACK] [GASPS]

YOU ASSHOLE.

SHUT UP.

YOU SHUT UP.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CAR.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU.

PUT THE MONEY IN THE CAR AND TAKE A FUCKING, BITCH.

FREEZE, MONKEY.

GET YOUR STINKIN' PAWS OFF OF HER, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW YOU SOMETIMES COME ACROSS A GUY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKED WITH?

WELL...

YOU'RE THAT GUY.

WHAT?

I MEAN, I'M THAT GUY.

THE GUY...

YOU KNOW...

YOU SHOULD FUCK WITH.

SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH.

JUST DROP THE ASSHOLE, GUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

HE MEANS DROP THE GUN, ASSHOLE.

THANK YOU, MA'AM.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT THE PRETTY LADY SAID.

[CHUCKLES]

GOOD, DICKY.

I GOT A FULL METAL CHUBBY RIGHT NOW.

I'M A SPECIAL AGENT WITH THE CITY CORRUPTION TASK FORCE.

I'VE HAD MY EYE ON THIS TURD FOR AWHILE.

JUST MADE IT EASY FOR ME TO FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET.

AND I'VE GOT THE FEELING YOU'RE THE KIND OF TURD THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A STREAK GOING ALL THE WAY DOWN.

HUH, DICKY?

THIS AIN'T OVER, TONS OF FUN.

SHUT YOUR YAM HOLE.

ALRIGHT, FOLKS, SHOW'S OVER.

THE CLUB IS BACK IN BUSINESS.

[CHEERING]

THAT'S GREAT!

LET'S GO, YOU SHIT HEAD.

YOU TOO, NANCY.

EVERYBODY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR SHANE!

[ALL] YEAH! SHANE!

COME ON, BOSS MAN, GIVE 'EM SOME WORDS OF WISDOM.

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE ANY WORDS OF WISDOM, EXCEPT I WOULD NOT BE HERE WITHOUT ALL OF YOU.

SO THANK YOU.

[ALL] OHHH. CHEERS.

AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT MY UNCLE ERNIE WOULD HAVE SAID.

TOPS OFF AND BOTTOMS UP!

WOO!

*

WHO DO I HAVE TO GET A FUCK TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE?

UM, EXCUSE ME?

HELLO? EXCUSE ME.

UM...

HEY EVERYONE!

SORRY, UM...

WE ACTUALLY NEED A RIDE TO THE STATION.

[LAUGHING]

I MEAN WHERE COULD I END UP?

I MEAN THERE'S SO MANY PLACES IN THIS WORLD OF FILM THAT UH, THAT I'M DRAWN TO, AND I FEEL LIKE ARE PULLING ME IN, YOU KNOW?

AND UH...

ONE OF THEM IS UH, FUCK.

I'M SO FUCKING STONED RIGHT NOW.

[TOMMY LAUGHING]

I'M SORRY.

OK, WAIT.

I REMEMBER. I REMEMBER.

THE- THE- THE MEANING OF ALL OF THIS.

OF EVERYTHING WE DO.

LIKE THE ONE THING THAT IT ALL-

[THUD] OH FUCK.

[TOMMY] WOULD YOU SAY YOU FEEL YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE MET A MAN LIKE ME, TOMMY "7"?

NO, I FEEL LIKE THE EXPERIENCE OF KNOWING YOU HAS ACTUALLY DEPLETED ME OF OTHER EXPERIENCES.

*

SO.

SO?

WHERE WERE WE?

HMM.

I FORGET.

I THINK IT WAS HERE.

DID TOMMY REMEMBER TO LOCK UP THE STORE ROOM?

PROBABLY NOT.

LET'S GO CHECK.

IT'S TIME FOR VIDEO SPOTLIGHT.

MEGA METAL BAND SNAKES EMBARKS ON THEIR WORLD TOUR.

WE CAUGHT UP WITH THEM BACKSTAGE IN MOSCOW.

THE BIGGEST NEWS FOR THIS BAND IS THEIR OWN CHARMING SNAKE CHARMER.

CHLOE.

I'VE JUST BEEN SO BUSY.

I'M IN THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW MAKING MY FIRST ALBUM WITH TIMBUK 3.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO BE MAKING MY FIRST HOLLYWOOD DEBUT.

I'M SO EXCITED.

IT'S CALLED HOWARD THE DUCK.

I THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE A HUGE YEAR FOR ME.

HOLLYWOOD, HERE I COME.

LOOKS LIKE HER FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, SHE'S GOTTA WEAR SHADES.

SHE'S A GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL.

SHE WILL GO TO MY COUNTRY.

WE'LL GO TO THE CHURCH.

SHE'LL BE ONE OF MY WIVES-

NO, SHE'LL BE MY ONE WIFE, BECAUSE YOU CAN HAVE ONLY ONE WIFE.

BUT I WILL GET DIVORCED AND SHE WILL BE MY NEW WIFE.

BUT YOU KNOW I ONLY GET MARRIED WITH VIRGINS.

WOOHOO!

YA'LL HAVING FUN, HUH?

LITTLE BIT OF THAT UP IN THERE.

YA'LL HAVING SOME FUN UP IN HERE RIGHT QUICK?

IS THAT WHAT I'M HEARING.

FIRE!

HUMAN NECESSITY IN IT'S SIMPLICITY.

YET COMPLEXITY.

DO YOU GUYS WANNA KISS FOR A LITTLE BIT.

JUST FOR A SECOND.

EW, YOU SAID IT WASN'T PORN.

NO, IT'S NOT. -SEE, I TOLD YOU.

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. -NO, IT'S NOT PORN.

THIS IS ART BY THE WAY.

THIS IS LIKE ARTY- WE HAVE NOIR LIGHTING.

IS YOUR BONER ART TOO?

YEAH. IT IS ACTUALLY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

HE PROBABLY LIKE PAINTS IT.

BABY.

[LAUGHING]

SHANE.

WE'RE SOFT SERVE, BABY.

HAHA.

WHAT?

THERE'S L.S.D. IN OUR DRINKS.

TOLD YOU YOU WERE GOING TO LOVE THE SHOW.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE, THE ONE, THE ONLY CAPTAIN LOU TENANT.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTS.

I'VE BEEN WITH THE SAME WOMAN FOR 39 WONDERFUL YEARS.

[CLAPPING]

AND IF MY WIFE FINDS OUT, SHE'LL KILL ME.

[LAUGHING]

[GARBLED WORDS]

OH, CHRIST.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

*

AHH!

LIGHT MY FIRE.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO GET OUT OF THIS?

UH...

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

UM...

[LAUGHING]

I'VE HEARD SOME OF THE GIRLS-

HMM?

I'VE HEARD SOME OF THE GIRLS CALL YOU CREEPY AND STALKER.

NUH UH.

NO, I KNOW YOUR NAME.

I KNOW YOUR NAME.

IT'S UH...

LEATRIX.

NO?

PHILIPA.

IS IT PHILIPA?

NO.

ONE OF THE ASIANS IS PHILIPA, RIGHT?

[CHANCY] MY PET- MY KITTY CAT, HER NAME IS SASSAFRASS.

SHE HAS A PROBLEM, WHAT IS IT?

SHE'S ON DIALYSIS.

I LIKE TO GO TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.

AND IT'S KIND OF A TRADITION.

IS THIS TOO FAST?

TOO SLOW? DO YOU WANT-?

NO, IT'S ALRIGHT.

OH OK GOOD. UM...

[LAUGHING] -CUT.