Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) Script

Right, let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't.

Because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting.

You see these goods?

Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite or Fanny by the gaslight.

Take a bag. Come on, take a bag.

I took a bag home last night, and it cost me a lot more than £10, I can tell you.

Anyone like jewelry?

Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney.

It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else.

Don't think 'cause these boxes are sealed up they're empty.

The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker.

And by the look of some of you lot here today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price.

£10. Did you say £10?

BACON: Are you deaf?

That's a bargain. I'll take one.

Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow.

They call it walking. You want one as well, darling?

You do. That's it, they're waking up.

Treat the wife, treat somebody else's wife.

It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught.

Hold on, you want one as well?

Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then.

It's no good standing out there like 1:00 half struck.

Buy them, you better buy them!

These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for.

And we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks.

Here, one for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out.

"Too late, too late!" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by.

And if you've got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.

Bacon, cozzers.

BACON: Shit.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

ALAN: Ed can hustle a few quid here and there, but his real talent lies in cards and gambling with cards.

Bacon could see that his days of selling moody goods on street corners are numbered.

It's time to move on and he knows it.

TOM: And I'm 6'1 ", that's perfect for my height, all right?

NICK: All right, you take a photo. You're catching up with me, you are.

Look, what are you talking about? I'm bloody skinny, pal.

Yeah, yeah, of course you are. All right?

Nick the Greek, always a pleasure.

Tom, what have you been eating?

I've been telling him this. .. Enough already.

You two, join me in my office.

So, how much is it then, Tom?

You know how much it is, Nick.

And that includes the amp, yeah?

No, that does not include the amp.

Shit, Tom, I thought it included the amp.

Well, it doesn't.

I'll throw in one of these telephones if you like, but it does not include the amp.

Very nice.

I hope it includes the speakers.

It doesn't include the speakers, it doesn't include the amp, and it's not supposed to include me getting the hump with your stupid questions.

Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.

What else do I get with it?

You get a gold-plated Rolls-Royce, as long as you pay for it.

Don't know, Tom. Seems expensive.

Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time.

That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in, and you're complaining about 200?

What school of finance did you study?

It's a deal, it's a steal. It's the sale of the fucking century.

In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it.

All right, all right, keep your Alans on.

Here's a ton.

Jesus Christ. You could choke a dozen donkeys on that.

And you're haggling over £100?

What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick?

Finance revolutions?

£100 is still £100.

Not when the price is £200, it's not.

And certainly not when you got Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.

Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now come on, let me feel the fiber of your fabric.

ALAN: The skinny one is Tom, and he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.

He's got a couple of dirty little fingers in a couple of dirty little pies.

Nick, here, however, has made it his business to have all 20 fat little fingers and toes in every dirty bent and stolen pie in London.

Between the two of them, there ain't much you can't get ahold of.

(SNIFFS)

That's my 25 grand, it's all there.

It took me a long time to earn that, so you treat it with respect.

What about the chef?

TOM: What have you come as?

Cupid, stupid.

That's the last time I'm getting any more fruit off of you, Tom.

Do you call that fresh?

There was more small, hairy armored things in your fruit than there was fruit.

You should open a butcher's, not a grocer's.

Well, if you will order stuff from Katmandu, don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists en route.

Anyway, enough about that.

Where's the money?

Oi!

Keep your fingers out of my soup.

ALAN: Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean of any unlawful behavior.

He's proud of his job and even more proud that it's legal.

He represents the more sensible side of the four.

You sure you can afford 25?

That depends on how you look at it.

I can afford it as long as I see it again, if that's what you mean.

Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon?

Fat man, Bacon and myself.

Looks like it's time to make that call to Harry.

Who's this fat man then, eh?

Eh?

Do you want a sandwich, Bacon?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

ALAN: It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.

The amount of money involved has to be 100 grand upwards, and there's no shortage of punters.

The man who decides whether you can play or not is this man, Harry.

Or as some, including himself, like to call him, Hatchet Harry.

You got it all?

100 grand.

Well, if you got it, you got it.

Now, if you don't mind. ..

What's this Eddie like, then?

He's a fucking thief.

ALAN: Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man, Barry the Baptist.

The Baptist got his name by drowning people for Hatchet.

Are you gonna fucking pay? Yeah, I'll pay!

How are you gonna fucking pay? I'm gonna pay it.

ALAN: Barry makes sure the administrative side of the business runs harmoniously.

The boy's got a rare ability.

He seems to make cards transparent.

He's got. ..

All right, all right, so we can say he's good.

Oh, no, he's better than good.

He's a fucking liability.

Here, hold on. What do you think of these?

We're selling hundreds.

Very nice, Harry.

What's it for?

Oh, don't play innocent with me, Bazza. Spanking.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)


There's 25 from me, Tom, Soap and yourself.

That's 100 grand to the pound.

So why the fuck are you counting it?

Because I like to.

So, a reasonable return should be in the region of 120 grand.

That's for 25 grand invested, going on previous experience.

Going on optimism.

Whatever it's going on, it should be enough to send you on a cooking course.

You're not funny, Tom. You're fat.

And look as though you should be, but you're not.

Fat? Who are you calling. . . Jesus!

It's good in here, isn't it?

Handy for the tube, great electrics.

I can see why you moved in.

Don't knock it, it's cheap like the budgie.

And nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.

(CHUCKLING) A bit anti-social to say the least.

What do you mean?

He means they're thieving bastards.

I mean, when they're not picking peanuts out of poop, they rip off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.

Not exactly thick, these walls.

MAN: Nice work, John. Get yourself a drink.

Is that it?

How many times do I have to tell you, Plank?

You find us a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.

Now, have you got a problem with that?

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

You know, Charles, this gear is getting heavier.

(COUGHS)

I have a strong suspicion we should've been rocket scientists or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.

Peace Prize?

Be lucky to find your penis for a piss the amount you keep smoking.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who the hell's that?

All right, Willie?

Does it look like I'm all right?

Take this.

I'm in danger of breaking sweat at any second.

WINSTON: Charles, why have we got that cage?

Security?

That's right.

That's right, security.

So what's the point in having it if we're not gonna fucking use it?

Well, I would have used it, Winston, but this is Willie.

And Willie lives here.

Yes, Charles, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?

Chill, Winston.

It's me. Charlie knows it's me.

What's the problem?

The problem is, Willie, that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked!

What is that?

That's Gloria. Yes, I know that's Gloria.

What's that?

Fertilizer.

You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter, and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer?

Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.

We need fertilizer, Winston.

We also need a money counter.

This money's gotta be out by Thursday.

I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.

And if you do have to buy sodding fertilizer, could you just be a little more subtle?

What do you mean?

We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?

Yeah.

And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer.

You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.

That's what I mean, Willie.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

How long's he been in there, Son?

About 20 minutes.

He's on his own?

Yeah, just carrying a bag.

All right, let's pay him a little visit then, shall we?

ALAN: Big Chris settles debts for Harry.

The only thing he cares more about than an unsettled debt, is his son and heir, Little Chris.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Shh!

This is one of them high-powered jobs, isn't it?

(GROANING)

Got some bad news for you, John.

What the fuck. ..

You mind your language in front of the boy.

Jesus Christ.

That includes blasphemy as well.

Now tell me, John, how can you be concentrating and it is a lovely tan by the way, when you've got more pressing priorities at hand?

Tell Harry. ..

I mean Mr. Harry, I've been busy. I'm nearly there.

Check his locker, Son.

JOHN: I don't suppose there's any chance of you lifting this sun bed up, Chris, is there?

He's not poor.

He's got over a monkey here, and that's just in his wallet.

Fucking hell, John, you always walk around with that in your pocket?

Oi!

You use language like that again, Son, you'll wish you hadn't.

Sorry, Dad.

Right, well, put the rest of the stuff in that.

You can go home in a plastic bag tonight, John.

You owe what you owe, and by the time this tan's faded, you wanna have paid.

You never would have paid.

Who would pay for shit?

Yeah, exactly. I mean we ain't too certain. ..

Well, what the hell are you doing here?

Why, what's up?

Let me guess. My foot in your arse.

Game of cards? Hatchet Harry?

You're supposed to be getting your rest in, boy.

You playing cards tonight, Son?

With Harry?

Don't be silly, Dad.

I wouldn't have anything to do with that.

HARRY: Where did he get 100 grand?

He's got some adhesive mates.

I mean they're like brothers.

They've tossed up between them.

And JD is his dad and owns the whole property?

No mortgage, no debts.

Lock, stock, the fucking lot.

Don't you worry, Harry. I've got it under control.

Good. You can get this under control now.

It seems that Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money.

And these little beauties are up for auction.

But I'm not paying a quarter of a million quid for them, if you know what I mean, Barry.

Make sure we get everything from inside the gun cabinet.

I don't wanna know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.

And don't tell them what they're worth, Barry.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Right, where was we?

Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?

You must be the brains, then.

That's right, guns that fire shots.

Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet.

There'll be a load of old guns. That's all I want.

Everything else outside the cabinet, you can keep. It's yours.

Thank you very much.

There'd better be something there for us.

It's a fucking stately home.

Of course there'll be something there.

DEAN: Like what?

Like fucking antiques.

Antiques? What the fuck do we know about antiques?

We rob post offices. And steal cars.

What the fuck do we know about antiques, mate?

If it looks old, it's worth money. Simple.

So stop fucking moaning and rob the place.

So who's the guv? Who are we doing this for?

You're doing it for me, is all you need to know.

You know because you need to know.

I see.

One of those on-a-need-to-know-basis things, is it?

Like one of those James Bond films.

Careful, remember who's giving you this job.

Right, I'm off.

Call me when you're done. Ta-ta.

Fucking Northern monkeys!

I hate these fucking Southern fairies.

ALAN: Ed has been playing cards since he could lift them up, and he soon discovered that he had a big advantage.

It's not that he's good with cards or even good at counting them.

It's that he's good with reading people's reactions, no matter how subtle.

And everybody has reactions,

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) especially when it comes to money.

Invitations.

Invitations?

Yeah, invitations.

You know, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on them?

Well, we've got 100,000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on them.

Will that do?

All right, just you.

The others, they can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.

Samoan Jo's? You mean the pub?

Hold on. .. Hold on to your fucking tongue, and I will hold onto my patience, okay, sonny?

No one in here tonight but card players, and I do mean no one.

Evening, Frazer. Don, Phil.

It's a bit dramatic, isn't it?

Is this supposed to be symbolic?

Apparently, it's for security.

Yeah? I'd have brought me gloves if I'd have known.

You must be Eddie, JD's son.

You must be Harry.

Sorry, didn't know your father.

Never mind, son.

You just might meet him if you carry on like that.

Evening, Tanya, been a while.

All right, Ed?

(SCREAMING)

Right, we call each other Kenny, okay, Gary?

All right, Kenny.

You gonna put your stocking on, or what?

I've just spent 220 quid on me hair.

If you think I'm pulling a stocking over it, you're very much mistaken.

You're gonna have to put something on.

This is three card brag, gentlemen.

That means three three's are the highest, then three aces, then running down accordingly.

Then it's a running flush, a run, a flush and then a pair.

An open man can't see a blind man, and it will cost you twice the ante to see your opponent.

Now don't fuck around, fellas. You all know the rules, and you know I won't stand for it.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(SOFTLY) What are you doing? Put that back.

We're here to rob the guns.

Put it back. It's crap anyway.

Come on. Come in.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

What sort of pub is this, then?

It's a Samoan pub.

What's that?

It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.

No, I asked you to give me a refreshing drink.

I wasn't expecting a fucking rain forest.

You could fall in love with an orangutan in that.

You want a pint, go to the pub.

I thought this was a pub.

It's a Samoan pub.

Well, whatever it is, can you get your man to turn the TV down?

You can ask him if you like. If I was you, I'd leave him well alone.

Here, get rid of that. Bring us a Diet Coke.

Excuse me, can you turn that TV down?

No.

(ALL WHOOPING)

(GROANING)

DEAN: Whoa, whoa, Kenny!

What are you doing?

I am trying to find out where they keep their money!

You twat, can't you see these people have got no money?

They can't even afford new furniture.

We've got the guns. What's the matter with you?

Every time we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet.

What's wrong with you?

You wanna be more careful, old fella.

You very nearly took my man's head clean off with that.

You all right, Kenny?

Kenny?

10 grand, blind.

20 grand, open.

Deep end, eh?

Fold.

BARRY: Gotcha.

20 grand, open.

I'll fold.

Don't go spending that all at once, boy.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, bloody hell.

What?

I thought you said there'd be no staff, Barry.

Did you get those guns?

You wanna see what they did to poor Gary?

Gary. Gary.

I said, did you get those guns?

Yes! We got them!

Good. I'll speak to you later.

Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now, mate, okay?

Barry. Barry.

Fucking Southern shandy-drinking bastard ! Gary!

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)


Give me my money!

Give me back my money, you fucking snake!

You give me my money!

Give me back my money! Give it back!

Wankers!

Come on, you. Not now, please. Not now.

Oh, you fucking bastard.

(EXCLAIMING)

You bastard.

Oh, my good God.

We'll take you to the cleaners.

20 grand, open.

£30,000.

Back to you already, Eddie.

50 grand.

80 grand.

100 grand.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Look, fellas, I know. ..

I know you're not in.

Which means no one cares what you know.

250.

That's quite a raise.

That's 150 on my 100.

Yeah, and is there anything else you wanna say?

As you know, this puts us in an awkward position.

I don't have enough to continue.

We will have to see both your cards if no one loans Eddie the money to continue.

It's a loan or we see both your cards.

I will.

You will what?

I will loan you the money.

No, I think I'd rather just turn them over.

I'm not interested in what you would rather.

I wanna keep going.

I'm also offering you the money.

So we don't have to turn them over, because you can borrow.

I need 250 grand.

No, you need 500 grand to see me.

That's if I want to see you.

Well, you're gonna have a problem carrying on, ain't you?

I'll see you.

Okay, before I loan you this I expect, if you lose, of course, my money back within a week. Crystal?

That's Sunday, okay?


Is that it?

Now let's see his fucking cards.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)


(RETCHING)

Hello, boy. Feeling a bit poorly?

I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash.

So, I'm gonna give you one week to find it.

Otherwise, I will take a finger off each of you and your friends' hands for every day that passes without payment.

And then when you run out of digits, your dad's bar, and who knows what then.

All right, my son?

This doesn't look good.

ALAN: He then proceeded to explain the unfortunate position they were in.

Harry was going to start sizing up all their fingers in a week, because he knew there was no way Ed could settle that debt on his own.

Harry saw it as their money on the table, so it was also their debt off the table.

Ed would hate admit it, but he could have kissed the old bastard for that.

If he said he wanted to settle the debt on his own, it would have been a lie.

Now, I wish to Christ he would have let me settle the debt on my own.

I'm gonna kill him!

Stop fucking about, Tom, and think about what we're gonna do. Now sit down.

What's all the fuss about Harry?

Why don't we just boycott the payment?

Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.

BACON: Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson who worked for Harry, but it was rumored that he was on the take.

Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation.

Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber cock.

He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.

Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go.

Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.

Don't worry, I'll think of something.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)


"Golf. The best way to spoil a good walk."

Winston Churchill said that.

I say it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I've got bigger teeth than you two.

(GORDON GRUNTING)

I think our friend is trying to tell us something.

Perhaps not. Perhaps I should take another swing just to make sure.

Give me a five iron, John.

Certainly, Dog.

Now, keep still.

Yes, Gordon, is there something you'd like to tell us?

It's in the fireplace.

Shut it, you idiot!

Yes, Gordon, you were saying?

It's in the fireplace. Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.

It's in the fireplace, Plank. Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.

Oh, Dog, I think you want to have a look at this.

You gonna let me down now?

DOG: No.

I'm not finished with you yet.

Steel.

Help, help, help!

Oh, Dog.

WOMAN ON TV: It's all up to you, audience.

You have to decide, yes, you have to decide

(DOORBELL BUZZING) who the winner is going to be.

Who the hell's that? It's only 12:00.

Use the cage, that's what it's there for.

Who is it?

We have got security for a reason, Willie.

Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.

This weed's getting quite a rep, you know, fellas.

All right? Easy. Jesus!

Never saw you there.

Hello, love. Enjoying yourself?

Is she compos?

What do you think?

Boo!

PLANK: Fuck me.

Clean that up, Charles.

Sod you. You clean it up.

Sorry, fellas, but that stupid cow scared the fucking life out of me!

Never mind. Can you just sit down?

Stay out of the way?

Look, how much is it you want?

I'm after a half weight.

Right, well, that's £1,500 then.

Pass the scales, Willie.

Give us some gear, J.

Any chance of actually seeing the money?

The odds are 100-to-one.

All as we need is 5 grand.

I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse.

The odds are 100-to-one for a good reason, Bacon.

You won't win.

Where's Eddie?

Where do you think?

The bottom of a bottle. And has been for two days.

It's hit him hard.

Yeah, it's hit us all hard.

Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad he's about to lose his bar.

Listen to this one. You open up a company called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club. You what?

You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos.

You sell it with, I don't know, "Does what no other dildo can do until now.

"The latest and greatest in sexual technology.

"Guaranteed results or your money back." All that bollocks.

Now these dills cost 25 quid a pop.

That's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients.

But they send their checks to the other company name, nothing offensive, Bobbie's Bits, or something, for 25 quid.

You take that 25 quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears.

Now this is the smart bit.

You send back the check for £25 from the other company name, Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club, saying, "We're sorry, and we couldn't get the supplies from America, "because they've run out of stock."

Now you see how many people cash that check.

Not a single soul.

Because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying in checks?

So how long do you have to wait till you see the return?

Probably no more than four weeks.

A month?

So what fucking good is that if we need it in six. ..

No, five days.

Well, it's still a good idea.

He may know we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit, but he can't have any idea how much hard currency we've accumulated.

I don't know. Do you know?

We can just slice it off the top.

WINSTON: You guys gotta realize who this chap is.

He might look a bit silly, but he's a fucking lunatic.

And if he gets the slightest inkling we're not throwing straight dice, then you and me are gonna know what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.

So you know these geezers well?

PLANK: Well enough.

I've been buying gear off one of them for a couple of years.

So, what are they like then?

Poofs. Nothing heavy. Four public schoolboys. Soft as shite.


PLANK: They ponce around in funny hippy clothes all day, talking bollocks.

They're just good at growing weed, that's all.

Business has got bigger than what they can keep up with.

DOG: Well, they can't all be stupid, can they?

Think about it. They've got a container load of cash in shoeboxes.

They're selling class-A gear.

Don't you think there might be someone sensible involved?

What about security?

PLANK: There's one steel gate as you go in, but they never lock it.

What do you mean, never lock it?

What have they got it there for then?

I must have been there 50 times. It's never locked.

They're not suspicious.

Everyone who goes there's a toff.

They're all into that karma crap.

"If I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me" stuff.

No way they can get back to you?

Even if they could, they'd be too shit scared. I'm a geezer.

They got no muscle. Gutless faggots.

Fancy one?

What's all the flapping about?

You told the old man yet?

Hoping I won't need to.

I've got a plan. Now listen carefully.

Hello, boys.

Harry.

Do you want a drink?

Hello, my son, do you want a lolly?

Piss off, you nonce.

Oi ! Watch it.

No thanks, Harry. We're both all right.

Nice shooter.

Yeah, one of a pair.

Holland & Holland. Do you want to hold it?

No, not my thing. Thanks, Harry.

Business good? I imagine that's why I'm here.

Four young fellas got in deeper than they could handle.

They owe me half a million pound.

LITTLE CHRIS: How much?

Half a million.

I'm game.

Me, too.

Oh, God.

Right.

We hit them as soon as they come back.

We'll be prepared, waiting.

And they're armed.

What was that? Armed?

What do you mean, armed?

Armed with what?

Bad breath, colorful language, feather duster. ..

What do you think they're gonna be armed with?

Guns, you tit.

Guns? You never said anything about guns.

A minute ago this was the safest job in the world.

Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.

Soap, stop being such a mincer.

I've thought about that and. ..

And what exactly?

And all we have to do is find out who's carrying them.

Carrying them? Well, they could all be carrying them for what we know.

No. Only one of them carries them going to the job.

So I assume the same one will be carrying them when they come back from the job.

Oh, you assume, do you?

And what do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?

It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid.

Well, brother, mother, any other sucker, it don't make any difference.

They're still fucking guns, and they still fire fucking bullets.

Soap, if you have a better idea how to get £500,000 in the next few days, let us know.

In the meantime, Tom, you talk to Nick the Bubble about shifting the weed.

Weed? No, it's not normal weed.

It's some fucked-up-skunk, class-A, I-can't-think-let-alone-move shit.

Doesn't sound very good me.

No, neither me. But it depends what flicks your switch.

And the light is on and burning brightly for the masses.

Anyway, do you know anyone?

I know a man, yes.

Rory Breaker.

Not that madman with an Afro?

I don't want anything to do with him.

You won't have to. Just get me a sample.

No can do.

What's that? A place near Katmandu?

Meet me halfway, mate.

Look, it's all completely chicken soup.

It's what? It's kosher as Christmas.

Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

Yeah, well, never mind that. I'm gonna need some artillery, too.

Couple of sawn-off shotguns.

This is a bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon.

Who do you think I am?

I think you're Nick the Greek.

Hold those two.

I don't normally have anything to do with weed, Nick.

But if it is what he says it is, I'll take it off him for 3.5 grand a key.

That is if it is what he says it is.

I don't want to see it after a sample, I don't want to touch it after a sample.

I'll leave you in the capable hands of Nathan here.

He'll sort out the details.

But just let me tell you one thing.

If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.

Do you know what I mean?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Rory Breaker.

Rory? Yeah, I know Rory.

He's not to be underestimated.

He's a funny looking fucker, I know.

But you've got to look past the hair and the cute cuddly thing.

It's all a deceptive facade.

A few nights ago, Rory's Roger iron rusted.

He's gone down the Battle Cruiser to watch the end of a football game.

No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over.

A fat geezer's north opens.

And he wanders up and turns the liza over.

"Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else."

Rory knows claret is imminent, but doesn't wanna miss the end of the game.

So calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action and plonks it outside the entrance.

He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer.

"That's fucking it," says the geezer.

"That's fucking what?" says Rory.

And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering Fatty.

He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest, and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe.

Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won, too.

Four-nil.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oi!

Is your hair supposed to look like that?

All right, short stuff?

Never mind "short stuff."

Listen, the next time we do a job like this, we're gonna want more money, Barry.

Or we're going back to post offices and cars. Fuck that.

Where's the others?

There was no others.

Stop fucking around. The others, the old ones.

I don't know what you mean.

There were two old guns there.

Where are they now?

Not in the cabinet, there wasn't.

There was a couple of old hammer-lock muskets the butler was carrying.

But they were ours, we sold them.

Well, you better unsell them, sharpish.

We had to sell them. We needed the money!

I'm not fucking interested!

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got I suggest you get those guns, quick!


Jesus.

If I pick them up, will they stay in one piece?

Where'd you get them?

I got contacts.

Listen, Tom, you point them at me, I'll shit myself or do whatever you say to do.

Either way you get the desired effect.

Oh, they look very nice, I agree, but they're lacking in criminal credibility, ain't they?

I might get laughed at.

How much do you want for these muskets?

£700 each.

What's that? A pound for every year they've been about?

I know they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices.

They're a bit long, ain't they?

Sawn-offs are out. People want a bit more range these days.

Range?

I don't want to blow the arse out of this country, granted.

But I don't want anyone blowing a raspberry at me, either.

I want to look fucking mean.

Of course you'll look mean.

You'll look really scary.

Anyway, enough about that.

What about this geezer who sells drugs?

Rory Breaker's standing by.

You stand to make a lot of money, tubby Tommy.

BIG CHRIS: I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock, but let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, the good father.

Go on.

He likes your bar.

Yes?

He wants your bar.

And?

Do you want me to draw you a picture?

Look, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his ear hole.

This is my bar. It's got nothing to do with him.

What, and I care?

Remember, you do have the luxurious advantage of being able to sustain your son's life.

And you do have a reputation, so I'll choose my words very carefully.

You tell Harry to go fuck himself.

Now,

I'll put that down to shock. Only once.

Only once can I or shall I let you get away with that.

Your son's got three days to find half a mil.

But make up your mind which you prefer, your bar or your son.

DOG: Plank goes in first.

There's a cage, but it's never locked.

DOG: Is it, Plank? Never.

DOG: It don't wanna be.

All right, once he's got himself set, he gets the rest of us in.

(FEEDBACK SCREECHING) Now we get nasty with a couple of them.

Shit them up, gag them, whatever.

Now these wankers shouldn't give us any problems.

But like any cowboys, there'll be a few tools lying around.

When the job's done, we come straight back here and unload.

And Robert's your father's brother.

Everyone savvy?

ALL: Sweet.

Have a look at these.

And what are we supposed do with these?

Put them on your head, stupid.

Christ.

If you think I'm gonna turn up there clean-shaven and greet them with a grin on my face, you got another thing coming.

Now these fellas, they're your neighbors.

I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves a little.

Right. Yeah, good thinking, Soap. Well done.

I brought weapons as well.

Weapons? What do you mean, weapons?

(CLEARS THROAT)

These.

(EXCLAIMING) Jesus.

Let's keep them covered up, eh?

Couldn't you have got anything a bit bigger?

What, like that?

What do you think?

I think you need help.

Bar steward, can we have a couple of drinks, please?

Have you seen your dad? Hatchet sent one of his men around.

Oh, shit. When?

Crazy. ..

Where did you get these? A fucking museum?

Nick the Greek.

How much did you part with?

£700 for the pair.

Drachmas, I hope.

I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick.

These are gonna do more harm than good.

Jesus, Tom, do these work?

Don't know. Look nice though, don't they?

I rather like them.

That's top of the list of priorities, that is.

EDDIE: Ladies, back to more important issues, if you don't mind.

We have only got two real guns.

Apparently, that's what they are.

So we find a good place to hide next door, we wait till it sounds like the right time, then we jack-in-the-box, look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, nick their van, swap the gear into the new van and bring it all back here.

As long as we're all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last thing they're gonna expect.

Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like giving them a bit of a kicking, I'm sure it won't do any harm.

Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.

Also, I think knives are a good idea.

Big, fuck-off, shiny ones.

Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile.

Knives are good because they don't make any noise.

And the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them.

Shit them right up.

Makes it look like we're serious.

Guns for show, knives for a pro.

Soap, is there something we should know about you?

I'm not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past.

Come on, girls.

Where the fuck are they going? Shift a piano?

I thought this was meant to be a robbery.

Where did they get those outfits?

BOTH: Not a bad idea, that.

All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?

No. I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.

PLANK: Perhaps you can help.

Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you know what I mean.

Look. If you could just open the door, so I could talk without shouting.

J: I can't help you, Plank.

I think you'll find it is in your interest.

Hold on, okay?

Look, Willie, it's Plank outside for you.

He says it's in our interest.

Listen, I don't care if it's King-fucking-Kong!

He's not coming in here, not today.

Hold on. We are in business, and correct me if I'm wrong, but that is business.

Corrected. That's a walking accident that we can do without.

Jesus, he's okay. He knows only to buy weights now.

We're looking at at least a couple of thou.

What do you think, Winston?

Willie, this is the last time, all right?

But you and the money are going out the back.

If he knows you're here, he'll be all day.

Now just clear this shit up.

What, now? Yes. Now!

Just get rid of him quick.

All right, just coming.

What the fuck is he doing?

Come on, I can't wait out here all day.

J: All right, just coming.

I thought you was gonna leave me out there all day.

I didn't know you were a removals man, Plank.

Lives and learns, don't you?

You keep the gates locked now, do you?

Sorry, gotta do business like this now.

Can't be too careful these days.

I know. Shut it!

You say a fucking word, the right ear goes.

Another one, then your left.

What are you doing, Plank?

What do you think I'm doing?

Hang on, what are you doing?

Unlock the gate. All right, I said unlock the fucking gate!

That's it! Go, go, go! Fucking move!

What the fuck's going on?

Just hang on, I've got the keys.

The gate's locked! I don't believe the fucking gate's locked!

What have you done to Fauntleroy?

I didn't touch him. He just passed out.

Don't just stand there. Get that fucking door shut.

You want the world to see us?

(MEN ARGUING)

What's going on down there?

Shit.

Charles, get the rifle out.

We're being fucked.

It must be this one.

Hold that gun.

Plank, give me the keys. Give me the keys, Plank.

Don't point it at me, bollocks, point it in there.

DOG: Planks of wood. I'm working with fucking planks of wood.

Shit.

What the fuck is that? What the fuck's that?

It's me Bren gun.

Don't you think you could have brought something a little bit more practical?

Don't none of you slags move. I'll kill the fucking lot of you!

Who are you gonna kill, Plank? There's no one fucking there.

(SCREAMS)

They fucking shot me.

Well, shoot them back.

Jesus, Plank. Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges?

I can't see a bloody thing.

(GROANS)

Shit.

I've been shot. I don't fucking believe this.

Could everyone stop getting shot?

DOG: John, sit down and patch yourself up.

You tart, it's a fucking air rifle.

What the fuck was that?

Well, that was the Bren gun.

If you fire that gun again, you're a dead man. Understand? Dead.

No ifs, no buts, you're a fucking dead man!

All right, all right.

I've got the bollock ache with this. Where's me fucking gun?

All right, now that I've got your attention, firstly I'm gonna blow his toes off.

(GUN FIRING)

(WHISPERING) Shit. DOG: There go his toes.

Now if you want me out of here in five minutes flat, open the fucking gate, 'cause I'm gonna blow his leg off.

They're gonna fucking kill us if we do, man.

Poor J will certainly get it if we don't. He's serious.

I'm losing patience. Hurry up, girls.

WINSTON: It's all right. All fucking right.

Willie, he doesn't know you're here. Just. ..

Sort something out.

And all your friends, there's a good lad.

There's only three of us here.

I don't believe you. Fuck it, I'm gonna blow his leg off.

I mean it.

It's only three of us.

DOG: Plank?

Yeah. One of them is out.

Now open the gate.

(SIGHS)

(GROANING)

Up, up, up. There's a good lad.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

John, get them tied up.

Plank, where's the money?

There. In those shoeboxes.

Where? Out the back.

And the weed? Out the back.

Point. With what?

Your fucking hands, now.

I'm tied up.

Well, nod your head or something.

Check it out. Plank, get Paul out of that van, lively.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SCREAMS)

(GUN FIRING)

Knife.

I'm gonna cut him. Make sure he knows he's dead.

How you doing, Mick? How do you think I'm doing?

He's fucking nearly chopped me arm off.

Jesus Christ.

Lenny, what the fuck's been going on here?

Shut up, you idiot.

It's Hanukkah.

Well, don't just stand there.

Have you got the bags? Can you fit it all in?

It's a lot.

I can't get Epping Forest in my van.

Can't? I don't wanna hear "can't."

Bollocks to can't.

You'll fit it all in if you have to make two trips.

Bollocks.

You've got a ticket already.

And if you don't move it, we will move it for you.

I'll only be a minute.

You've already been 15.

Look.

Come and have a look.

At what, exactly?

Well, the van's half full. So?

So, all I've got to do is fill it up, put you in it. .. What?

And I'm off.

Do you think you can carry more than one bag this time?

I can't. My neck, Dog.

How many more bags?

JOHN: Just a couple.

Mick, you dead yet?

I'll be all right once I've dealt with that lanky prick.

DOG: Do it quietly.

It's time I say, "Good night, nurse."

(GUN CLICKING)

(SCREAMING)


Where the fuck did she come from?

(PANTING)

That is it. Tie her up. We're out of here.


What are you doing, Ed?

Do you want one?

No, I fucking don't. You cannot make a cup of tea, Edward.

The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea.

SOAP: Yeah, and look what happened to that.

And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.

Going to war with what?

Have you forgotten those guns, you dozy prat?


You won't get away with this.

Paul, what's that?

It's a traffic warden.

I can see it's a fucking traffic warden.

What's he doing in the back of the van?

He was gonna call the cozzers.

Fair enough, we'll deal with him later.

How are we doing, Tom?

Right as rain.

I'm just gonna take care of the cabs.

Keep us posted.

All right, mate, do you do airports?

Where the hell are we gonna hide?

Don't complicate things. Just hide.

We're on.

Cor, they weigh a pound or two.

Shut up and back up!

(WHISTLES)

Spin round, big boy.

What the fuck?

Stay down. Stay down!

Tie them up, tape them up, hands and face.

On the floor!

Bend over the fucking desk.

Keys. I want keys. Now!

I'll find you.

Course you will, sweetheart.

I'll find you.

What do you think this is, fucking hide-and-seek?

That one. Search that one.

Right, I'll see you in the van when you've finished with handsome here.

Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?

When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.

Bacon, see what we've got.

Let's have a butchers, eh?

We've hit the jackpot, lads.

We've got God knows how much of this stinking weed, a shit load of cash and a traffic warden.

What?

Jesus, Ed, we got a traffic warden.

I think he's still alive.

He's got claret coming out of him somewhere.

What did they want with a traffic warden?

I don't know, but I don't think we need him.

Knock him out and dump him at the lights.

Knock him out? What do you mean, knock him out?

Knock him out with what?

I don't know! Use your imagination!

(GROANING)

Don't touch him up. Knock him out!

I'll knock you out in a minute.

Look, you want to knock him out, you knock him out.

I fucking hate traffic wardens.

It's about time you gave my young friends a visit, Chris.

Tomorrow's the day and mum's the word.

Now I can't have that, can I, Baz?

No, Harry, you can't.

I mean, it's a liberty.

And I can't have a liberty taken, can I, Chris?

No, Harry, you can't.

I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole.

And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?

BOTH: No, Harry, you can't.

EDDIE: Right, that's it. We're done.

We're off. Here, Ed.

Are you sure it's a good idea taking this back to yours?

Well, it's the only place we can take it, and it's the last place they're gonna look.

Anyway, fuck it!

The battle is over and the war is won.

Now, Tom. You take this to Nick the Bubble, then we get rid of it quick.

It's skunk, and it's as good as it gets.

All right, we'll take it.

Half price.

I don't think he'll like that.

You said 3.5 a key, and you know that's a good price.

It was yesterday I said three and a half, and now it's today if I'm not mistaken.

We'll take it tomorrow, half price.

If he wants to get rid of it quick, he'll have to take it.

Now look, I've got a race coming up in a minute, so if you'd just be kind enough to. ..

Lenny, take that round to Snow White and the three little chemists.

They should have a gander of that.

I want a second opinion.

LENNY: Hang on a minute, Nathan. Something stinks.

NATHAN: Yeah, your fucking aftershave.

LENNY: Fuck you, funny man.

For God's sake. Help me.

I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain ! Jesus.

Go in slowly, Nathan.

Fuck you, funny man, you go first.

Just get the fuck in there, will you?

I want this house searched for bugs.

I mean, I want it stripped.

Where's the point in that?

Even if there was a bug, they'd have taken it with them.

It's a bit late for you to start thinking, John.

If it's a possibility, that's good enough for me.

And when you've stripped this place, I want every slag this side of Ceylon pulled in and tortured badly.

I want to know who's responsible for this.

Otherwise, I'm gonna hold you responsible.

EDDIE: Not a bad day.

That pile takes care of Harry.

What's left over?

Give me half a chance to count it.

What about this gear then, eh?

What, you want a toke on that?

No, I don't think I want any of that horrible shit.

Can we lock up and get drunk now, please?

We shot one of them in the throat.

What do you want, a medal?

I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back.

RORY: The one you shot, is he still in there now?

No, it was another one.

That's more like it.

Where is he?

Well, they took him with.

No, he's still alive.

What did you shoot him with? An air gun?

Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.

You don't say.

Who could it be?

Where do we start, Rory?

Mr. Breaker.

Today my name is Mr. Breaker.

You think this is a coincidence?

This white shite steals my things and thinks that he can sell it back to me!

He's got less brains than you, Lenny!

Get Nick, the greasy wop. .. Greek bastard round here now.

If he's still stupid enough to be on this planet.

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)


Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.

Uh?

Don't "uh" me, Greek boy!

How is it your fucking stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends thought that they might be able to steal my cannabis, and then sell it back to me?

Is this a declaration of war?

Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get?

'Cause I'm not fucking laughing, Nicolas!

I know you couldn't have known my position, 'cause you're not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse with that, "What's going on here" look slapped all over your Chevy Chase.

But what you do know is where these people live.

If you hold back anything, I'll kill you.

If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you.

If you forget anything, I'll kill you.

In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick.

Now, do you understand everything I've said?

Because if you don't, I'll kill you.

Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.

So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we?

Well, yeah. Yeah, we do.

Yeah, yeah, we do.

In fact, it's a little bit more than a little bit of a problem, isn't it?

On a scale of things, you could say it's the Mount fucking Everest of problems.

And the reason it's such a mon-fucking-strosity of a problem is, you don't even got a first idea who did this to us, have you?

Dog, we've been up all night. It's no one from round here.

We've had them all lined up against the wall.

If he was a toe-rag from out of manor, we'd know.

We'd know.

You'd know? You'd fucking know?

You wouldn't know if it was the next door fucking neighbors!

Now get out there and find them ! I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!

Get out of my fucking sight! You little shit!

Scarface.

I've watched Scarface.

If you want to know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface.

That really inspires confidence, that.

This guy Rory Breaker. ..

Rory Breaker? Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?

That'll be the same man, yes.

I heard about him. He's a fucking lunatic.

Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling.

It's not worth him giving us any trouble, because he knows we'll be a pain in the arse, and who needs a pain in the arse?

I'll take a pain in the arse for half-a-million quid.

You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.

Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.

Will you two stop flirting for a minute?

After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up nearly £200,000 each.

That's not bad for a morning's work, I think you'll agree.

So they had the cash.

And the puff.

Cheeky bastards.

Count it.

Shit, Dog, there's a lot. Don't you want to do it next door?

We're not going next door till we've flayed them dead men walking.

We'll count it upstairs.

I don't want them to see you fingering their money when they walk through the door.

But, Dog, look. ..

Give us it here, dozy bastard.

Check your guns. Get yourselves well hid.

You wait till they get right inside the door, then you give it to them.

Give me them shooters, you can use your own.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yeah?

That's no way to answer the phone.

(EXCLAIMS) Is that you, Dean?

No, it's Lord fucking Lucan.

Who do you think it is?

What can I do for you?

You know those guns I sold you? I need them back.

Not likely, I'm afraid. I don't think I'll be seeing them again.

Look, I've got the money to pay for them.

I'm sure you do, but I don't think you understand.

I ain't gonna be seeing them or the guns again.

Can't get them.

If we can't get them, we can't get them.

Well, you'll have to fucking get them.

Look, we made the fucking deal for everything inside the cabinet.

Inside-out-fucking-side. I don't give a shit.

You get those guns, because if you don't. ..

Oh, yeah, Bazza, or what?

Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?

Otherwise known as "Hack you up with a hatchet Harry?"

Well, this is James Bond, need-to-know time.

When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.

Know what I mean?

I mean, find them, torture them and kill them.

And bring back what belongs to me.

Because if you don't, your family's bang in trouble.

Who was that?

(SIGHS) That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.

Jesus, I've heard of him.

DEAN: We're in shit. They were his fucking guns we sold.

We've got to find them.

Now, no fucking about now, Nick. Where can I find those guns?


Six black cocks and a little white kitten sitting on the side of the road.

We're gonna do a proper decoration job.

I want the gray skies of London illuminated.

I want that house painted red.

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right.

There's this brass standing on the corner, right.

Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase.

Winston, there, is gonna come along and see if he recognizes any of them.

Now watch out for these fellows.

They've got a bit of an arsenal, and they don't mind using it.

And I'm taking down her panties.

Now, does everyone here know what they've got to do?

Yeah. Yeah.


What the fuck is going on?

(GUNS FIRING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)


You got something here for me, have you?

Come on, chop-chop.

Thank you very much.

He's got the guns. Go ahead, you get them.

Why me?

You're supposed to be the hard case. ..

You go and get the guns! I drive the car!

Good boy.

Oh, get the fucking guns!

I'm not going to get the fucking guns!

You get the fucking guns!

You fucking. ..

(MOCKING LOUDLY)

All right, wrap them guns up.

Count the money.

Put your seat belt on.

GARY: Fucking guns!

We've got to get the fucking guns, or we're dead!

(STARTING CAR)

So I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Get out of the car, you yuppy fucker!

(DOG SHRIEKING)


He's the one we shot in the neck.

Is that right, Mr. Botanical?

(GUNS FIRING)


(EXCLAIMING) Jesus.

I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?

Jesus.

The money. The gear.

This is fucked.

No money.

No weed.

It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

All right, don't panic.

Let's think about this.

No, fuck that.

You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.

How did you get your hands on these then?

The boys had them.

I know you like these sort of things.

Wondered if you wanted them.

Yeah, I'll have them.

Was it hard work getting the money?

Not especially.

Upset a few characters though.

You counted it?

Yeah. It's all there, to the pound.

And they were gonna pay?

Looks like it, but who knows?

The opportunity was there.

In my experience, it's best to take that opportunity if it's there.

Good work, Chris.

DEAN: We've got to get those guns.

This is dangerous shit, Dean. We don't even know who lives there.

Listen, I don't care who lives there!

All's I know is that it's preferable to death by Hatchet.

GARY: Fair enough.

Let's go.


I don't think it's the right move.

It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily.

I'm gonna phone him.

As if he'll care.

He'll care all right. That was supposed to be his money.

Whether he cares about us or not is different.

Pass me the phone.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah?

That you, boy?

It's Ed, if that's what you mean.

Pay day, isn't it?

Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about that.

I'll bet you do.

I've got half-a-million nickers sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't.

You've been upsetting a few people, boy.

But that really isn't my concern, is it?

What does concern me is the guns you had.

And I want to talk to you about that.

So get your arse over here now, and I do mean now.


Bastard ! You fucking bastard!

Fucking bastard!

(SCREAMS)

What the fuck are you doing here?

Job well done. We made a few quid out of that one.

Son?

Made a few quid, did you?

Where's what I want?

You all right down there, mate?

Very fucking funny.

Where's what I want?

I've just left it in the office.

We better go to the office and get it then.

That's if you want your son to see his next birthday.

Now chop-fucking-chop.

All right, fair enough.

Where are you going?

It's a 30-second drive or a five-minute walk.

And I couldn't have parked outside.

I'd have got a ticket.

I suppose that don't matter now, does it?

Just be careful.

Right.

You and me. You and who?

You know where the door handle is, Tom.


Oh, no, not again!

That's it. I'm off.

Tom, that is our bag.

Ed. Hold on.

This is our bag.

That's it, we're off.

I'll see you in the car. I'm gonna take these guns.

Tom, don't fuck about!

I'll see you in the car.

Tom. It'll only take a minute.

What is going on?

I don't know. But what I do know is there's no more Harry, which means there's no more debt.

And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem.

And there's no problem with the neighbors, because they're all dead.

And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong, and we're in the clear.

(TIRES SCREECHING)


Never ever has anyone ever been as fucking rude to me as you did!

Fucking bastard!

You all right, mate?

Cheeky bastard.

ALAN: Now this was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in.

But Chris had to respect the fact that he was holding what appeared to be a pair of loaded shotguns.

And Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded.

So, without anybody losing too much face, Tom left through a side door, and Chris left with the money.

And everybody else got arrested.

He's not one of them.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I think your dad would like a word with you, Ed.

Where are the others?

They got out yesterday. They're back at the bar.

All right, Dad?

I'm all right.

How about yourself?

Oh, I'm all right.

Could do with a drink, though.

All in good time, all in good time.

So you in the clear?

More importantly, am I?

It appears so.

Appears?

You'll have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.

Well, everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as you can get.

How about that drink?

You know where the bar is.

Hey?

Don't make yourself too comfortable. Alan's got to sit there.

Alan!

You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk.

I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.


You took your time.

Where the hell have you been?

Sit down, I'll tell you.

So the traffic warden identified the neighbors' bodies, which sort of puts us in the clear.

The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.

And Tom took care of them.

SOAP: You did take care of the shotguns, didn't you, Tom?

I wanted to talk to you about that.

Well, talk.

Well, actually, no.

I've got them sitting in the car.

I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.

You dippy bastard.

So, the only thing connecting us with the case is in the back of your car, which is parked outside?

They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away.

And they're hardly likely to trace them back to us, are they?

Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?

Tom, you're a dick.

Now you take those guns, and you throw them off a bridge.

And throw yourself off while you're at it.

Now, Tom.

Look, all I'm. .. ALL: Now, Tom!

Can I have a beer, please, Dad?

I'm busy. Get it yourself.

It seemed Hatchet underestimated you lot, and it seems to have cost him.

Well, I ain't gonna make the same mistake now, am I?

So I've decided to bring your bag back.

I think the word you're looking for, gentlemen, is "thank you."

Thank you.

Now you've presented me with a problem.

I've lost my employer.

So I've taken care of meself and me son.

Now if you think that's unfair, you come and pay me a little visit.

But you better be waving a white flag high and clear, so as I can see it.

Or it'll be the last little visit you ever make.

You understand?

That's all I've come to say.

There is one more thing.

It's been emotional.


We are now officially in the money-lending business.

You all right, Son?

Put your seat belt on.

We're out of here.

It's empty.


ALL: What's his number?

Don't, don't! You'll jam the line! I'll call him.

My fucking battery.

Oh, you. .. Give me the phone!

No, fuck off! I'll dial it! Give me the phone!

Just be calm for a minute. All right, shut up and tell me the number!

Fuck you! Give me your phone!

You'll break it! Just calm down! Give me the phone!

Look, you'll break it, and it'll be fucked, won't it?

Will you shut? It's fucking ringing!