Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003) Script

Shh.

Be very, very quiet. I'm hunting rabbits.

I am a duck bent on self-preservationum.

Say your prayers, rabbit. It's rabbit season.

Duck season. Rabbit season!

Duck season. Rabbit season!

Rabbit season.

Duck season! Fire!

Fire!

Hold everything.

"Daffy gets blasted. " Mm-hm. Page 7: "Daffy gets blasted. "

Aha. Page 8: "Daffy gets blasted again!"

What's the matter with you people? We can't do this kind of stuff anymore.

Brothers Warner...

...show biz legends like me shouldn't have to play stooge...

...to that long-eared, carrot-chomping, overbite-challenged...

What's up, doc?

Hey, Bobby, how's the wife?

Great nose job, Chuck. Thanks, girls.

Good rug, Mel. Never would have guessed.

Pardon me. The pleasure is mine.

Fellas, I think Daff's right. Maybe I'll take a vacation.

Go visit my 542 nieces and nephews.

Mr. Duck, excuse me, I'm sorry.

I don't see how we can have a Bugs Bunny movie without Bugs Bunny.

Oh, my heavens, no.

You couldn't have a movie without Bugs Bunny.

And if you don't mind me asking, whose glorified personal assistant are you?

Kate Houghton, Vice President, Comedy.

Right.

Kate did Lethal Weapon Babies.

Finally, a Lethal Weapon that I can take my grandchildren to.

Um, gentlemen, check your phones.

Our latest research shows that Bugs Bunny is a core asset...

...that appeals to male and female, young and old throughout the universe...

...while your fan base is limited to angry fat guys in basements.

Yeah, but... Come on, fellas, I'm thrice the entertainer the rabbit is!

Fine, he's hilarious...

...but moviegoers these days demand action heroes, like me!

Top that, rabbit.

So it has come to this, has it?

I'm afraid the Brothers Warner must choose...

...between a handsome matinee idol...

...or this miscreant perpetrator of low burlesque.

Whichever one's not the duck.

Hey, that's the stuff from my office.

You don't have one. Not anymore.

Symbolically, this is bad.

Please, brother. Other brother?

Icy she-wolf? Help me, please.

I'm too moist and tender to retire.

Let me escort you out. Wait!

I haven't tried toadying, kowtowing, or butt-kissing yet.

I'm still begging here!

Freeze!

Can I try that again?

No, thank you. We'll call you.

Sir. Hey, D.J. How did your tryout go?

Well, let's see. Uh, I can say I made an impression.

Your father can get you a job anytime he wants to.

I know, but I don't want that. I'd really rather earn it, sir.

Mr. Warner mentioned you this morning. He did? What did he say?

He said don't forget the TurtleWax.

What about animation? I could do cartoons.

Dead duck walking.

Morning, Mr. Bunny. Very hot now.

And I do voices. Listen.

Excuse me. Hmm?

"Fetch the stick, boy. "

"What a maroon. "

"You can't handle the truth. "

Unh. Some grip, lady.

I need you to eject this duck.

Lady, this is Daffy Duck. Exactly.

Not anymore. We own the name. Oh, yeah?

You can't stop me from calling myself...

What do you know? You fired Daffy Duck?

No, I didn't. Well, I did. They did.

You just were following orders.

You know what? You don't know me.

You're Kate Houghton, you're the VP of Comedy. Go figure.

You drive a red 1988 Alfa Romeo. Good engine. Little under-driven.

I know this because you nearly ran me over last week.

Anyway, um, about that duck, you want me to get rid of him still?

Hmm?

Duck, yes. Eject the duck, please. I can't do that.

Why not? He's gone.

What are you waiting for, backup?

Daffy! Look, Mommy, there's Daffy.

Shabby job so far, constable.

Quick! After me!

Now you're gonna pay for that one. Come here!

Dress Inspector! Look out!

One side, Spartacuses.

Come on. Daffy, stop!

Cut him off at the pass, boys.

All units in pursuit of little black duck.

Well, that's just cheating.

Daffy!

Come here!

Autumn in fake New York

Don't follow me.

That's not right. Cut. Cut!

That's lunch, everybody!

That airbag cost a lot of money. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Good morning. Batman, you good?

All right.

My chariot awaits.

Yes!

Bat-lights. Bat-conditioning. Bat-stereo.

To the Duck Cave.

Now what are you doing? Hey.

Stay away from that Batmobile! Come here.

I'm allowed to steal. I'm a celebrity.

Tell it to the judge!

Feeling pretty good about yourself? I am.

You bested that dastardly duck? I did.

And now you're gonna offer your catch to the pretty executive?

Indeed.

Miss Houghton!

Get out of the way!

Look out!

Hey, what do you know? I found Nemo.

I think she likes you.

Oops.

Your father would be so ashamed of you.

But I was... It was...

At first, they told me to lose the stutter. Now they tell me I'm not funny.

It's a pain in the butt being politically correct.

You're telling me.

What kind of performance do you call that?

You made me sound like a total space cadet, man.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I was trying to be real to your character.

If you, like, goof on me in the sequel, I'm coming after you.

Yeah, and I'll give you a Scooby Snack!

There are some areas of the script I think we need to address.

There's no heart, no cooperation, nobody learns anything.

Daffy learns not to stick his head in a jet engine.

He's gone. No, Daffy always comes back.

I just tell him how much I need him.

We hug, we cry, I drop something heavy on him, I laugh.

The duck is history, okay? So the question is...

...how can I help you reposition your brand identity?

Answer: We team you up with a hot female co-star.

Usually...

...I play the female love interest.

Hello, my baby Hello, my honey About the cross-dressing thing? In the past, funny. Today, disturbing.

Lady, if you don't find a rabbit with lipstick amusing...

...you and I have nothing to say to each other.

Look, I'm trying to be nice...

...but I was brought in to leverage your synergy...

...and I am not going to let you or some wacky duck...

Daffy.

Wacky, daffy, nutty, fruitcake, crispy over rice, it doesn't matter.

Well, these matter.

And this.

And they say we get Daffy back. Right, boys?

We want Daffy! Bring him back!

We love Daffy!

Little Damian.

Hey, Granny.

Hi, Tweety.

How was work today?

Eventful.

What a nice young man.

Guess who? So did you miss me?

Hey. I'm glad I was fired.

In a few days, they'll be kissing my befeathered rump...

...begging me to come back. But I won't.

Did I miss the part where I invited you in?

I'll be too busy accepting numerous, multiple offers.

Every studio in town will... Hey.

Who am I kidding? My career is over.

Perhaps I was being too polite. Get out!

I'll starve. I'll have to eat envelope glue.

Wait, a sushi bar.

No!

Daffy. Yes.

Leave my father's house. Now.

You live with Daddy?

Yeah, so? Just, you know, kind of temporarily.

I've hit rock bottom.

I'm hanging out with a security guard who lives with his father.

My grease and gravy! Your dad is Damian Drake.

The super spy. He's an actor who plays a spy.

And that? That was his I Spy Award. Ingenious.

An actor playing a super spy as a cover for being a super spy playing an actor.

In fact, I'll bet this whole dump is a super spy lair.

Nothing is as it seems.

You know, you're probably protected by an invisible force field right this minute.

Aha! The force field-penetrating apple.

Just feel free to continue your delusional ranting...

...while I answer my...

Remote?

Hello?

Hmm.

Son? Dad?

What are you doing in the painting?

I wanted to keep you out of this, but there's no one else I can trust.

There he is. Stop him! Can you hold on a second?

Are you shooting a movie or something?

A new Damian Drake movie? Cool.

Come to Las Vegas.

Ask Dusty Tails for the Blue Monkey.

The Blue Monkey? What's a Blue Monkey?

A diamond. A very special diamond.

Find Dusty Tails.

Hey!

Dad, you need me to call the police or something?

Uh-oh.

No. No police. Dad, are you all right?

I'm sorry I never told you this before, but I...

Dad? Diamond? I'm rich!

I've joined the leisure class. I gotta go save my dad.

Oh, yeah. Your dad, yeah. So count me in. A spy caper.

Double agents, exploding bikinis, tigers hanging from helicopters!

I'm through with show biz!

From now on, I'm gonna live the adventure.

Next stop, Las Vegas. I'Il take my dad's old car.

Ah, a super spy car. Let's ride. This isn't a spy car.

Heh. Your dad is a spy. Ipso ergo, a spy car.

I used to deliver pizzas in this car.

Secret pizzas?

A spy pie, maybe?

Fine, be that way. But it's definitely a spy car!

A little help here?

Ducks.

Hey. Aah!

You know how I know it's a spy car?

Because it looks absolutely nothing like a spy car.

I don't think this routine is gonna work without Daffy, but, uh...

Action.

Say your prayers, rabbit. It's rabbit season.

Duck season. Rabbit season.

Duck season. Rabbit season.

Rabbit season. Wait a minute.

See, I told you this wasn't gonna work without...

Can we do another take, please?

Oh, pain. Oh, agony!

Ahh. You're fired.

What?

But you... You got rid of our best duck.

You can't fire me.

My films have made $950 million!

That's not a billion. Nope. Not a billion.

Okay.

All right.

I think we can all agree that the decision to get rid of Daffy was a poor one.

But it's time to move on.

And by move on, I mean reversing course and getting Daffy back.

By Monday.

I will have Daffy back on Monday.

That went well.

Listen, doll face, if I know Daffy, he's already hit the road by now.

Ah, it's good to stretch.

I'm getting really tired of throwing you out of the car.

That's my plan in a nutshell. Ha, ha.

Now, listen, if we run into anything that requires super spy skills...

...like cracking wise, smooching dames, you better leave that to me.

However, if we have any security guarding needs...

Very funny, duck. I'm not a security guard.

For your information, it's just a job. It's what I do for money.

Mm-hm. What I really do is...

I'm a stuntman. Ha!

You? A stuntman? Please. I am!

Did you see those Mummy movies? I'm in them more than Brendan Fraser is.

No, he couldn't stand that.

One day he decides that, "No, no, no! The Bren-master does all his own stunts!"

Listen, muscles, if this heap ever makes it to Vegas, I'll do all the stunts.

Duck here.

Daffy, old chum, how the heck... Cram it down your rabbit hole.

I think I can get you your old job back with less of a pay cut than usual.

So not interested.

I'm off to Las Vegas with my new sidekick D.J...

...to match wits with spies and showgirls.

It's a little adventure I call:

"Daffy Duck's Quest for the Blue Monkey. "

And you're not in it.

Blue Monkey?

Blue Monkey?

It's a little adventure I call:

"Daffy Duck's Quest for the Blue Monkey. "

This is unacceptable!

We cannot have 9-year-olds working in sweatshops making ACME sneakers...

...not when 3-year-olds work for so much less.

Yes. But, sir, they require naps.

Put double espresso in their sippy cups.

What's next on the agenda?

Where's my people? What's coming up? What's the next thing? Aah!

Thank you, Bob.

Grave news, my friends.

Direct your attention to the video screen.

Cable, input, VCR, satellite.

I love to sing-a About the moon-a and the...

Input, satellite, tape, menu, rewind...

...power, on.

Well, it seems that Damian Drake's son knows about the Blue Monkey...

...and he is on his way to Las Vegas.

He must not find the location of the diamond before we do.

How is the interrogation going?

He's about ready to crack, boss!

Cable, input, VCR and satellite, off.

We cannot let the good guys win this time, people.

We must capture this son of a spy...

...and we must locate the diamond...

...and use its powers for our own diabolical ends!

Copy that to all departments. I didn't quite get that.

Didn't quite...

Uh, something about capturing the son of a spy...

...and using the diamond's power for our diabolical ends.

Be sure and use the laugh. I like the laugh. Don't you?

And what is your name? Mary.

Well, Mary...

...how'd you like to do a little kissing later?

That's what they all say at first.

Soon the ACME Corporation will tower over all of creation!

All of creation!

ACME. ACME.

ACME. ACME.

Wait a minute.

Yes? What about the duck?

Extra crispy.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

D.J., I'm not here to fire you again.

I just want to know if that duck told you where he was going.


Doesn't anyone knock anymore? Why are you torturing me?

What have I ever done that...

Great.

I just fired the son of our biggest star.

This has been a career-making day, Kate.

First you get rid of the duck that everybody hates...

...but then, of course, they all want him back.

And worst of all, you get into a big fight with Bugs Bunny...

...who you revere and who you've tried to model your life after.

Oh, I hate to see a grown man cry.

Especially when it's a girl.

Listen, toots, would it stop the waterworks...

...if I told you Daffy was going to Las Vegas with that guy D.J.?

It might.

Well, then, how's about we travel in style in this?

Las Vegas, Jeeves.

Taking you to Las Vegas.

Bright light city gonna set my soul Gonna set my soul on fire Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn So get those stakes up higher So Viva Las Vegas Viva Las Vegas Viva Viva Las Vegas

You've got no music in your soul, sister.

I am aware of that, yes.

He sure went for all the extras. What a maroon.

Don't touch anything. This is Damian Drake's car...

Let's see. No!

What does this one do?

Shaken, not stirred, sir.

It's 5:00 somewhere.

If you touch one more thing... Shh. I'm about to defy you.

Now you done it. Arms at your side, please.

Formalwear activated.

Enh, you clean up nice, kid.

Oh, no! So...

Viva Viva Las Vegas

Woo-hoo! Las Vegas!


Smell that, D.J.?

That's the sweet aroma of money, glamour...

...and busload upon busload of senior citizens.

Cool it, duck This could be dangerous.

Right, we find Dusty Tails, save your dad, get the diamond...

...apply kung fu liberally as needed.

Under no circumstances are you to allow...

...the young Mr. Drake and his duck cohort out of the casino in one piece.

Is that clear? Okay.

You want the varmints and what they come for.

I got you. But what's in it for old Sam?

I got you.

Did you know that Dusty Tails sang the theme song to six Damian Drake movies?

I know. He's my father.

Your dad is Damian Drake? Yes!

I'm kidding, relax. We did that.

I say, listen up, y'all.

Please put your greasy, buffet-shoveling hands together...

...for our next act.

If you've heard her before, you're not here now.

So, I say, let me introduce you...

...to Miss Dusty Tails.

Ifyou want it to be good, boy Get yourself a bad girl

If you want it to be wild Gotta know just who to dial, baby That's me If you really like it hot Get someone who hits the spot, honey Oh, yeah

Hey. Dusty! Hey. Dusty.

Dusty, can I talk to you?

Dusty.

Then get yourself a bad girl Bad girl If you really want it...

What the...?

Get yourself a bad girl Bad girl A bad girl Get it like you could, baby What?

Dusty, I gotta talk to you.

I'm Damian Drake's son, D.J. What?

How do I know it's you?

Oh. You are Damian's son.

Is there someplace we can talk?

Excuse me, I have to change. Okay, toots, hand over the diamond.

He brought a goose? It's duck, thank you.

Uh, hi, uh... You again.

Listen up, you darn imbeciles!

We gotta get them varmints and what they come for!

And then we blast them? Then we blast them.

Now if I were a giant diamond, where would I be? Ow.

Well, not there. So...

... my, uh, dad's in trouble... Not here.

...and, uh, he said that I should ask you about the Blue Monkey.

So then you know? Definitely. Yes.

I figured something must have happened when he didn't show up.

I'm sorry, but that's what comes with being a spy.

So you're, um, a spy too?

Heh. The pop diva thing? That's just one side of me.

I also work for the Agency. Professional assassin.

It's really hard trying to juggle the two sometimes.

I don't know what I'm gonna do when I have kids.

Do you know how hard it is to find a nanny with advanced weapons training?

Woo-hoo. How many galoshes died to make that little number?

What about this Blue Monkey?

Your father was assigned to track it down before the chairman could.

The diamond has supernatural powers.

It would be a disaster if it fell into the wrong hands.

I was supposed to give him this.

This is not a king-sized diamond. This is a queen of diamonds.

What kind of sick joke is this?

Can I have that? Very funny.

That is so sweet.

You trying to take over for your father.

These evil forces? They're bad people.

Relax, sister. I don't know the meaning of the word "fear. "

Say your prayers, duck!

Fear: noun. A state of terror. Aah!

Incoming!

This mission needs years of experience and training.

Maybe. I ain't got time for that right now. I gotta go save my dad.

Don't lose that card. It's important.

After him, boys!

Easy on the feathers.

Come back here, you card-carrying coyotes!

Dadburn slapstick cliché!

Faster! Climb like my life depended on it.

You run, I'll steer.

Right! I mean, left. Your other left. Daffy!

That's what I'm talking about!

Is that all you got?

That's gonna leave a mark.

That's not boxing. Bite his ear!

Left and a right and a left and a right-left!

I'm gonna come up on you.

I'll take that playing card.

After it, stunt boy. Man.

Jump. Jump!

All right, I say, place your bets, gentlemen.

Money plays, loser stays. Everyone's a winner... Well, not everyone.

Here's my money. Now play.

Card, sir? Hit me.

Don't you want to look at your cards first, son?

Boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball.

Hit me. No, hit me first!

I said await your turn, sir.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me. Hit me.

Hit me. Hit me.

Hit me. No, hit me, fragnabbit!

He's the boss. You son of a...

Card, sir?

Hit me.

Twenty-one, a winner!

Let's go!

"And then they made their heroic escape!"

I say we do Cirque du Soleil and call it a night.

How about the Liberace Museum?

All right, let's see what this baby can really do.

Now, that's an interesting feature.

Come back, you absconders!

Aah! Watch yourself, ma'am.

I love this rug.

Hey, come back here, you varmints! Run. Move. Go.

Nice car.

Don't hit me.

It's a modified Chevrolet with a big 24 on the side.

Out of the way, fancy boy. I'm a-commandeering this here clown car.

After them, boys!

Shotgun!

Rag-flagging ragtag sidekicks!

Slow down, will you? I'm waddling here.

Come back, you darn idiot galoots!

There's gotta be 314 hotels and 142 casinos in Las Vegas.

We are never going to find that duck.

Heh. Daff never misses a cue.

What's up, duck? Don't you start with me.

Excuse me.

You. You.

You. Him.

Her. Them!

Out of my way!

Dagnabbit!

You are in big trouble, mister. Agreed!

Out!

What are you doing, kidnapping me? Stop the car.

This is my adventure, bub.

Coming through. Aah!

So, what brings you to Las Vegas? You ran out of people to fire in L.A.?

You stole my duck.

Your duck? Bah! I belong to the world. You know what? You can have him.

Dynamite? Who has dynamite?

Welcome to my world.

Hang on.

Throw it out the window. Throw it out!

But innocent people could be hurt. Throw it out the window!

It will send the wrong message to children.

Didn't he used to be behind us?

We're having duck tonight, boys. Ha, ha.

Just a suggestion, but all those in favor of not hitting that wall say "aye. "

Aye! Mother.

Taking you to Mother.

Uh-oh.

Look, a shooting star. Quick, everybody make a wish.

You know, I'm beginning to think that this one is the spy car.

What?

ETA to Mother, 10 minutes.

Please return your seatbacks to their upright position.

So, what are your plans now, if I may ask?

Daffy will save us. He's the hero.

All right, bucktooth. Stick a carrot in it.

Everybody calm down, all right? I can handle this.

Sell my Warner Bros. stock.

I got an inside tip that Bugs Bunny is about to die.

Huh. Out of gas.

What? It doesn't work like that.

Thanks, toots.

Enh, carrot? No, thanks.

You really think that playing card is going to help you rescue your father?

Mm-hm. Yeah, I do.

Heh. You know this all sounds insane, right?

I remember the first time I saw your dad in the movies.

Yeah. So breathtaking.

Your hair smells nice.

Hmm? You say something? No, just, um, saying good night.

I'm telling you, Daffy...

...I heard the Warner Brothers say you were their best duck.

Flattered though I may be, flattened I will not...

...in order for you to get the laughs.

It's all: Hoo-hoo! Yuk, yuk.

And then: Bam! Wham! Bam!

And your tail is on fire. Exactly my point.

No, really, your tail's on fire.

Ha, ha. Daff, you're accident-prone.

What am I talking to you for?

All you have to do is munch on a carrot, and people love you.

I need you to move my 12:00 appointment up to 2:00 and then back to 11:00.

Then just cancel it. And I need you to get a helicopter and, uh...

No, don't put me on hold.

Oh, God.

I can't die out here.

This wasn't the plan.

After this comedy...

...I promised myself I would only do real movies...

...about the human condition crammed with social relevance.

There's nothing but a big rock for 10 miles in that, that...

...that, and that direction.

I say we go that way.

Say, who are you kidding here? We're goners!

Water! I can't die now.

Think of the millions of children who want me to have the diamond.

The poor children!

Look at that.

Is it a mirage? Or just product placement?

Who cares? With shopping convenience at such low prices.

Water, Fresca, Mountain Dew. Your product name here.

Is this your idea?

The audience expects it.

They don't even notice this kind of thing anymore.

Nice of Wal-Mart to provide these Wal-Mart beverages...

...in return for us saying "Wal-Mart" so many times.

Where's Yosemite Sam?

What is your report? Boss, it wasn't me.

That razzan-frazzan duck and that crazy son D.J...

...and a humina-humina Dusty Tails.

You know, that makes a lot of sense.

Thank you.

Mr. Drake, are you going to save us the bother of eliminating your son?

My son is going to kick your evil butt.

Mr. Chairman. Yes, Dad.

Desert operative. No.

Not a bad idea, Dad.

Our desert operative is due for a win.

I told you we should have made that left turn at Albuquerque.

Don't start that again.


All right. Here's the plan.

We wait here for the next truck or car or camel or whatever...

...and take Bugs and Daffy...

...get back to Hollywood and finish making the movie.

What are you going to do?

I'm just gonna keep walking that way. That's your plan?

Yep. That's the direction the car was going.

You're not leaving me while you make off with my diamond.

I don't wanna get too wrapped up in your caper...

...but let's assume that you're right and Damian Drake is a spy?

Super spy.

Um, what's the point ofjust meandering through the desert if...?

Here.

Be safe.

Attaboy. Trust your instincts. Yeah.

Except for the water tower, the Batmobile, the rubble known as Las Vegas.

There's nobody as rich, famous, and powerful as my father...

...who just disappears into thin air.

Suddenly I feel like I'm in Aunt Marge's Jell-O mold.

Guys, it's air-conditioned in here. Come on in.

Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

Easy. Whoa.

Earth freak.

Okay, buster. Where's Damian Drake and that big diamond?

Cleanup on aisle three.

Can I be of service?

I am monitored to respond to the name Robbie.

Hi, D.J.

At ease. I'm Mother.

Yeah, like the car said that we would be meeting you.

How do you know my name?

D.J., I've known you since you were this big.

That's not really possible, is it?

Must have been a photo.

Let me just take care of this, and we'll...

Give it to me straight. How bad is it?

So shall we?

So little to do, so much time.

You're going to put him back, right? I can't go back to L.A. with duck soup.

We do have the facilities to reconstitute the body.

The mind, though, will remain a gooey mess.

Uh, so about my father?

All in due time. Lovely. Yes. Blow.

All right, break it up, fellas. Nice coats. White is the new black, you know.

Yes.

Look.

So this is Area 51, right? No.

The secret military base where they keep the aliens?

No, Area 51 is actually a paranoid fantasy we concocted...

...to hide the true identity of this facility.

Which is? Area 52.

But don't quote me on that.

Oh, right. Area 52.

So, uh, Mother... Call me "Mom. "

Uh, Mom, what is it that you do here exactly, anyway?

Creation, transubstantiation, destruction. It's stressful. All kinds of things.

They're already here. You're next.

My God, what am I going to do with you? You've done nothing but screw up!

You've walked off mesas. You've been smashed by boulders.

You've been run over by diesel trucks.

Don't blame the equipment. It's good. It's ACME equipment.

You're a coyote. Be wily.

All right, now. Buck up and let's see a little smile.

Little bigger.

Little bigger.

That's nice.

Now, just go take a shower, and don't come back till you smell better!

Be careful. There are men moving a safe and I don't want you to...

And be careful of the box of fireworks because...

I suppose I should mention the plate-glass window...

It's tough being the boss.

Ah, a communication.

Memo to Marvin the Martian.

Obtain the playing card, and destroy the duck.

And when I say destroy the duck, I mean kill him viciously and painfully.

A mission? I'm all a-tingle.

So here we are in the I-can't-tell-you-what room.

Robert, can you take care of that, please? Yes, madam.

When you bring Daffy back, could you make him 20 percent funnier?

I heard that. What were we discussing?

This isn't about the giant ants, is it?

Giant ants? Because they're not really ants anymore.

Tell me about the Blue Monkey.

How do you know about that thing that I've never heard of in my entire life?

My dad told me.

What is the point of making them pinky swear?

All right.

Now this tape will explain everything.

It was prepared especially for your father.

Greetings, Damian Drake.

If you are watching this, you are aware that the world indeed is in grave danger.

The ACME Corporation is in hot pursuit of the Blue Monkey diamond...

...a supernatural gem with the ability to turn people into monkeys...

...and then back again.

It is the ACME chairman's goal to turn the population...

...into monkey slaves to manufacture shoddy ACME goods...

...and then change them back to people to buy the stuff.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable, you may say.

Your mission is this: Find it, destroy it, save humanity.

Yay!

And remember, no one wants to be turned into a monkey.

So that's why.

Those guys came after my dad because he was going to save the world.

So that means if I go after the diamond, then the bad guys come after me.

Hang on. You're not seriously thinking about...

Taking over your father's mission?

I guess that would be all right. What?

Listen, if you're going to be a spy, you'Il need spy stuff.

So is this where you keep all the high-tech spy gadgets?

Yes.

Oh, wow!

Oh, yeah, that's cool. So I get to use all this stuff?

No, your stuff is over here.

But I really like the...

All right. Looks like an ordinary cell phone.

Three-way calling, voice dialing, downloadable ringtones.

My phone does all that. Superconducting electromagnet.

Sorry. It's all right.

GPS with mapping software...

...tip calculator, Game Boy.

Game Boy?

High-powered laser.

Polycarbonate rappelling line with jet-propelled micro grappling hook.

Nose hair trimmer. You always want to look your best.

Get over here, you idiot. No, cold. Cold. Warm, warmer.

Permit me, madam.

Robert, darling. Excellent choice.

Swank pants.

And comfortable too.

Plus, liquid hydrogen rocket pockets, here and here.

Hand stitching, nuclear-powered crotch pad...

He'll be down in a moment.

Wakey, wakey, friends.

Time to wreak mayhem in the cause of evil.

Mother, just one last question. What's the deal with this card?

Well, that is the window into what lies behind her smile.

What?

I'm sorry, our intelligence people feel a need to code everything in a riddle.

They get some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. I think it's corporate.

Fool humans.

Enh, looks like we got company.

Yipes!

Illegal aliens.

Exterminate them.

Darn. I knew this day would come.

Let us exterminate them.

Emergency shutdown activated.

Force-barrier seal in 30 seconds.

Exterminate.

The playing card, please.

I'll take that. Out of my way. Hero coming through.

There is no escape.

You pesky fowl!

Yum, yum.

Isn't it about time to enjoy a frosty, cold soda at the concession stand?

Exterminate!

Get the lead out. Bus is leaving.

Halt or be fricasseed.

That was fun.

Looking for this?

Now, what did she mean by a window?

The window into what lies behind her smile.

That's the Mona Lisa.

Which is in the Louvre. Which is in Paris.

Just how are we supposed to get to Paris?

Like this.


It doesn't look like much of a window to me.

Maybe the diamond is in the painting. Huh?

All we have to do is steal the Mona Lisa. Way ahead of you.

No, no, no.

No, you look, you don't touch, right? Yeah.

But I'm already in costume.

That's a good look for you. Do you think so?

Wait a minute.

Aha! It is a window.

Wow. It's an X-ray.

Heh. Sorry.

It's a map of Africa. Maybe that's where the diamond is.

Hold it up. I'll take a picture.

Hey, can I take a picture? Please?

Come on, give me your phone. I want to take a picture too.

Cheese it, the cops.

He's gone.

So let me take a picture, will you? I want to take a picture too.

Come on, please? Can I hold the window? Let me see the window.

I'll take that!

Um, what gives, doc? We made 35 pictures together.

Well, as it turns out, I'm secretly evil.

That's show biz for you.

Now make with the card, so I can please my dark masters.

Yes, sir. Queen of diamonds is your card.

Just put it back in the deck, anywhere is fine. And oopsie-daisy!

Aha! Is this your card? No.

This? No.

Run. This? No.

I said it's the queen of diamonds, I tell you.

You mean, like this one?

Think we should go back and help him?

Nah, Elmer never gets Bugs. It's a formula, but it works.

The great thing about movies, you always know what will happen.

For instance, if this was a movie...

...you and I'd probably wind up together.

If you don't let go of me, I'll scream...

...but I'm not gonna stop screaming!

Well, this is surreal.

Stop or I'll fire.

Yikes.


Hello.

Oh, my.

Ladies, please.

Hey!

Gendarme!

There's a man there. He's got a woman.

She's tied up in a burlap sack. He's taking her to the Eiffel Tower.

Ah, it is spring, is it not?

Ooh, I'm gonna blast you.

Shh. Aw, shucks.

Ooh.

"Pointillism: A technique of using individual dots of pigment...

...which, taken together, make an image. "

Oh, crud.

I think when you go to the movies, you should learn something.


Ha, ha. Look at that clown here.

Now, there's something you don't see every day.

You.

Huh? Come here.

Wait a minute. I don't want trouble.

What're you doing? I just want your pants!

Heh. That's right. I'm a vicious bird of prey.


He's got the camera!

Give the girl back!


Enh, what kept you? You okay?

That was great.

I'd say it's a perfect day. Except for the fact that we lost the map.

We? All right, I'm the jerk who lost the map.

And I'm the bunny who saved the card. Voilà.

Nice going, Bugs.

Africa.

Chair people, I reveal to you...

...the whereabouts of the Blue Monkey.

All right.

There's a duck in the middle of the map. Remove the duck.

Remove the duck! The duck is in the...

Duck!

Oh.

Now, we cannot let a boy, girl, duck, and rabbit thwart our plans for global domination.

Wanna bet? A wager?

Five dollars says my son will scuttle your diabolical plans and save the world.

You're awfully spunky for a man in your position.

How do you like that, Mr. Slap Yourself in Your Own Face?

Give him a good zets every once in a while.

My pleasure.

Now, I think I'm going to hedge my bet.

I'm going to unleash our most vicious operative.

Uh, Mr. Chairman, while we agree that the Tasmanian Devil is quite vicious...

...if memory serves, he is also really stupid.

Really? So are you.

That's a good boy.

I withdraw my objection.

This would have been a lot easier underground.

Come on, it's only another 6,000 cubits in this here thick direction.

Look, Granny, it's that nice boy from next door.

Little Damian.

How funny seeing you here, dear.

Hi, Granny.

Would you and your little friends like a lift?

Giddyup, Dumbo.

Sure was a lucky coincidence you showing up just now.

Yes, wasn't it?

I've discovered my roots.

I've discovered my lunch. Heh, heh.

Ow, ow, ow!

Cry freedom!

What a fantastic view.

Unless you're in the audience...

...in which case you've been staring at an elephant's behind for 30 seconds.

My destiny awaits.

I guess this is our stop.

Enjoy the rest of your adventure, children.


This is the Blue Monkey? This dime-store bauble?

I've been rooked. Shafted by the gods. That shouldn't happen. Nice going, Daffy.

I demand recompense. I want my diamond.

Where is my humongous rock?

Huh. Pressed duck.

Hey. Unh.

This looks like a puzzle piece. What?

Wait a minute.

Yipe!

Are we rich yet?

Kate. Any time now.


I'm rich. I'm affluent. My liquidity is assured.

Daffy, get back here. Don't touch that!

Let go! Don't you dare!

The rock is mine. So close. You mind?

Yes, I mind. I'm the hero. I should get the treasure.

The girl too, but we'll discuss that later.

Careful. Careful with my diamond. Easy, now.

Dad, this is for you.

Why, D.J., why you? Why wasn't it me?

Just academic curiosity, you understand.

Well, gotta go. Bank closes at 5.

Come on, Daffy, change him back. All right.

Buddy pictures.

D.J., pal, you're okay. Yeah.

Give me that.

I liked you better as a monkey. Thanks.

That is so sweet.

Now if you could just hand over the diamond.

Immediately!

My turn.

Pardon.

I've come for the diamond. I knew it was you.

Oh, you knew it was me, did you? You're wrong. Because I'm not me.

I'm actually...

I can't. I can't reach over the hat.

I'd rehearse back at ACME, but I never wore the hat.

And now the hat is throwing me off. Would you...

Thank you very much. Now, I'm actually...

Your father.

Dad. Saw that one coming.

Look into your heart, D.J.

You know it's true. No, it can't be true.

You're right, it isn't.

Let's do some drills.

This doesn't make a lick of sense.

Ha, ha. Well, who's laughing now?

Well, apparently, no one. Anyway, give me the Monkey!

No, forget that, man. You're evil.

Thank you, but...

Anyway, Mr. Smith, let's show this muscle-bound beefcake...

...who I have sometimes been mistaken for...

...what it's like to live in the real world.

Have you ever been disintegrated in one place and then reassembled in another?

Fire away.

Oh, no, you don't!

Ooh.

I thought they fixed that glitch.

Mr. Smith is fired!

I have to do everything myself around here.

Ah, good. You...

Henchmen.

Dad.

So this is the remote that works.

Now, this, my friend, is the ACME Train of Death...

...which is not good news for your father.

Don't worry about me, son.

I've gotten out of worse scrapes than this one.

You see, if the Train of Death doesn't kill him...

...then those crates of TNT will.

Not to mention the 2-ton anvil hanging over his head.

And, oh, look. There's the Pendulum of Doom.

What's the Pendulum of Doom doing there? I did not order it.

It's overkill. Get rid of it.

Now, if you want to keep your family "together"...

...I would hand over the Blue Monkey now.

Don't worry, son. I'm fine.

You're a sick man, you know that? Get used to it.

Excuse me? What about my father?

Oh, heh.

He's waiting for a train. What? You...

Where's Marvin the Martian?

Ah. All right, here is the Blue Monkey. Go put it on the satellite. Go!

Oh, no, you don't, eight ball.

Ha. You'd never catch that rabbit being this heroic.

Enh, what's up, doc? You're despicable.


Vandals.

Your friends' efforts will prove to be futile.

You see, here is the Blue Monkey, here is the ACME satellite.

When the Blue Monkey is finally docked in the satellite...

...I will transmit a beam around the world...

...which will transform everyone but me into monkeys.

Now take them away!

Don't you think that'll get lonely...

...Mr. All My Friends Swing from Trees and Pick Fleas Out of Their Furry Butts?

Lonely? I suppose I could use a little human companionship.

Thanks a lot.

I've seen you notice me.

I know I'm hot. Ew.

But I prefer someone with a little more oomph.

I prefer Mary!

Hello, Mary.

We're a cute couple, don't you think?

Now take those future simians away and lower the Monkey shield.

Earthlings have the worst sense of direction. Aah!

What do you know, he fell for it. I guess I owe you 5 bucks.

Uh, did you order satellite?

Enh, I don't even have cable.

You know, when I fired that duck...

...I never would have seen this coming.

Gotta be a way out of this.

You can get out of this, son. You've just got to set your mind to it.

Besides, I'm hearing my dad's voice in my head.

Actually, I'm down here, son.

Hold on, Dad, I'll be right there!

That was too easy.

What was that noise, son?

You know how I always wanted a dog? Yeah?

I just got one.

Wait. Maybe he wants to play fetch.

Nice mechanical doggy. Good dog. Want to play?

Good boy. Fetch!

It looks to be a deadly mission requiring strength...

...cunning and nerves of steel.

So good luck, Bugsy, I'll keep the engine running.

You tricked me!

Enh, what's up, Darth?

Now I must incapacitate you with my bubble gun.

Ain't that cute?

Of course you realize this means war.

Uh, you go that way. I'm gonna go this way.

Bad dog! Sit!

Don't want to put you under any added pressure...

...but judging by the vibrations of these train tracks, I've got about...

...one minute and 42 seconds left.

Down! Put him down.

What am I gonna do? What would Damian Drake do?

What would Duck Dodgers do?

Wait a minute. I am Duck Dodgers!

Yes, I'm going to be the hero of this picture!

Duck Dodgers to the rescue!

Duck Dodgers to the rescue!

Duck Dodgers.

Duck...

Aha! It's you-know-who to the rescue! It helps if you don't say the name.

Bad dog!


Disgusting Earth rodent. Now to neutralize that duck.

Oh, this can't be good.

Now the diamond will bathe the Earth in a monkey-transforming glow.

Ten, nine, eight, seven...

...six, five, four...

...three, two, one.

Thwarting evil makes me so angry.

Well, that takes care of that. Yipe!

Enh, thanks, Daff.

Darn dark side!

Are you all monkeys yet?

Uh-oh.

Checkmate, Mr. Chairman. You're going down.

Say it. Just a little "You're my hero"?

Nope, sorry. Bugs, say it, come on.

Uh-uh. Not interested. No one will ever know.

Nope.

I'm really proud of you, D.J.

I knew I could count on you.

Yes.

Dad, I think we should move.

What was wrong with Beverly Hills? I meant from this spot.

I think we scratched it. Don't worry, it's a rental.

You guys, you pulled it off!

You pulled it off, all right. Give me that.

Way to go, Daffy.

You didn't do so bad yourself, stunt boy.

To set the record straight...

...all credit for saving the human race goes to Daffy.

Exactly.

Oh, no, you don't, buster. You're the hero.

You're the hero. You're the...

Wait a minute. Pronoun trouble. I'm the hero.

I'm the hero, all right.

Are you gonna introduce us, D.J.?

Dad, this is Kate. Kate, this is... Damian Drake.

I'm a really big fan of your son.

Well, Daff, you achieved your goal of being a hero.

Yep, but you didn't achieve your goal...

...of getting me back in your stupid movie. Aha!

Cut. Print. That's a wrap. That's it, guys.

Remind me to get a new agent, will you?

Thanks.

Wait a minute. Maybe we are a team.

Bugs and Daffy. No, Daffy and Bugs. What do you think?

Excuse me, do you remember me?

I, uh, threatened your manliness, and you got me fired?

Oh, I know you.

Do I know him?

You must be someone that I got fired. See, I get a lot of people fired. Ha, ha.

You be good now. So like I said...

Not again. He's down again. Are you okay?

Come on. He said he can do stunts.

Bugs is here. Gotta go.

Daffy, you're right.

The usual place, Mr. Bunny? Very good.

From now on, you and I are going to be equal partners in this thing.

No more second banana for you.

Thanks, pal. I really appreciate this.

At last my star is rising.

All my hopes and aspirations... Whoops.

What do you know? My luck is changing already.

Good night, Porky. See you tomorrow.

Uh, go home, folks.