Loser (2000) Script

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I think this might be it, Paul. Good luck.

Thanks. Oh, boy. It sure is thick.

(GIGGLING)

I'm in.

Yeah!

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

Thank you. See, your brother's smart.

He's smart. Are you as smart as your brother? I think so.

We are so proud of you!

A full scholarship!

Plus a meal plan.

First one ever in our family.

Of course, the kid was reading Archie at one.

Hey, hey, that's for Paul. Hey, hey, hey.

You did something great.

Take this.

Grandpa, no. I can't.

You don't know the city. Everything there is very expensive.

Just parking your car costs eight dollars.

Grandpa, I don't even have a car.

Make an old man happy.

Thank you.

Paul, dance with me?

* I said lucky Saturday, yeah

* Then you turn around to come back

* I can tell the way that you act

* That you want this

* Don't you fight it, girl

* It's only natural

* Can't disguise what's in your eyes Do it. All right.

* They say too much Yeah! Cool.

* Don't deny that when we touch it's physical What are you doing?

* Let it be you and me No, like this.

* Don't you fight it, baby Come on, Paul. Do it right.

* It's only natural You're messing it up. What?

* It's physical Let it be you and me

* Don't fight it, baby

Hey.

You all packed?

Yep. Can I give you a hand?

Yeah. Wiggle that tail section for me just a skosh, will you?

Don't know what I'm gonna do around here without my wingman.

Oh, I'll be back, as soon as they catch on to me.

Yeah? What do they have to catch on to?

(SIGHING)

Well, it's a tough school, and everyone else will be more used to the city.

Did you know that one skyscraper has more people than the entire town of Claremont?

And they're all real sophisticated too.

You've seen that Seinfeld show, right? It's just like that.

They've all got that sarcastic kind of humor.

And who was purported to be the funniest kid at Jackson High?

You told me a joke the other day. It was hilarious.

A frayed knot... Wants a drink. String walks into the bar...

Yeah. Yeah. That was funny. You're a funny guy.

Ah, I don't know.

I mean, it's such a giant city. How can you possibly meet anyone?

You want the secret to making friends?

Sure.

I picked this up in the service.

You will have a lot of buddies if you remember this one rule.

Interested is interesting.

Wow. What do you mean?

Well, everybody's got a story, okay?

And all they want is for somebody to listen to it.

People are basically good, and if you care about them, they're gonna want to be your friend.

All you gotta do is look at those people.

Look when you're talking to someone.

That's it. That's it. Look them in the eye. Focus.

Hear their story. Hear what they've got to say.

You do that, buddy, and you can do no wrong.

Yeah. Thanks.

Wiggle that for me, will you?

Yeah.

Do... Do you wanna sit in my seat? Have my seat.

Hey, that was for her.

* I have a dream about her She rings my bell

* I got gym class in half an hour

* Oh, how she rocks

* In Keds and tube socks Hi. You look familiar.

* But she doesn't know who I am Tall drip?

That would be me.

(CHUCKLING)

(GROANING)

Oh, I'm...

* I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

* Hey, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby *

Hi, I'm Paul.

Abnormal psych.

Huh?

We're in the same class.

See you there.

Hey.

Left, left. No, left. No! Left! Aw!

But you're pushing.

Hey, guys, can't it go over there?

No. No.

Oh! Ouch! MAN: Hey!

Oh.

Good afternoon.

Hey, what's up, man? How are you?

Yeah.

Let me try that one again.

No, man, that's cool. Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

See you later.

* Hey, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

(BEEPS)

* Listen to Iron Maiden, maybe *

Hey, guys.

That is a great hat.

Did the producers of Fargo have a garage sale?

Leave it be.

Oh, here. Leave it be. Leave it be.

Oh, hey, that fraternity called for you.

Which one? Which one was it?

Gamma something. Oh, it was...

Gamma... Gamma Delta. Gamma Delta Pi?

Gamma Delta Pi.

No, it was Gamma Globulin. It wasn't a fraternity. It was a blood bank.

But, hey, they were really interested in you.

ADAM: They loved you.

(LAUGHS) It was a blood bank.

A Hunger Artist, it's the story of a performer who fasts as a form of entertainment.

Sits in a cage all day long, and this is how he manages to entertain his audiences.

But, with his dying breath, he reveals his great secret that he could never actually find any food that he...

(ALL LAUGHING)

Liked.

I meant that.

EDWARD: Jerry Lewis, ladies and gentlemen.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Listen, You mind if I continue with Mr. Kafka's story?

Are you all right?

EDWARD: Now, Kafka had a full-time job at an insurance company.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Looks like you banged your knee pretty bad.

No, no. I'm fine.

Let's put some ice on it.

EDWARD: What was Kafka saying about freewill versus destiny?

Anyone in the entire class of 167 students, all paying $35,000 a year to be here?

You, lady in the infantry?

I didn't read it yet.

I understand that. Didn't get around to reading that.

You had, uh, Ben Affleck on the Leno show last night.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Great stuff, witty banter, looking forward to the movie.

Listen, perhaps in the not-too-distant future there will be a course on 21st Century literature, but until that glorious day...

Want some honey? I have more.

No, thank you.

Listen, people, those rectangular slabs you're using as doorstops, they're books.

Careful. First time you open them, they're gonna crack a little.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Don't be alarmed.

Florence Nightingale, what was Kafka saying about freewill versus destiny?

I don't think it's about freewill versus destiny.

You don't? Would you mind telling us what it is about?

Well, sometimes you're so powerless, that the only thing you can control is how little you can live on.

Interesting. You've managed to reduce the father of modern literature into an anorexic teenage girl.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You just love humiliating me, don't you?

Dora, I've told you before, I'm not gonna have one of those "I know and you know

"and we know and they don't know" arguments in front of my class.

We've agreed that if we're going to do this, it's got to be secret.

Right, I know how ashamed you are of me. I'm just your dirty little secret.

Secret means clandestine. Shame means embarrassed.

I think you would have covered that in junior high.

Could you stop treating me like a baby?

Why don't you take me seriously?

I'm risking my job to be with you. Is that serious enough for you?

What are you talking about? I'm over 18. It's not like you're selling me alcohol.

Do you know Professor Brown?

No. No?

No!

Oh, of course not.

Because he lost his tenure for having an affair with a student.

The board considers that taking advantage of the power we have over impressionable minds.

Now, I could tell them how unimpressionable and pigheaded you are.

You are so condescending. If I'm not smart enough for you, then why don't you...

I didn't say you weren't smart enough.

But your capacity to edit out ideas you don't like... (ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

...would make T.A.S.S. look like an Al Goldstein publication.

You think I don't know anything.

I think you know how to walk in a pair of platform Mary Janes.

I think you know how to style your hair with an eggbeater, save a little time by layering on two, three weeks' worth of eyeliner.

God, I hate you.

You don't hate me.

Let me go! Yes, I do. Say you don't hate me.

Let me go. Stop it! Say you don't hate me!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(DORA LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Hi, Ma.

ALL: Hi, Rho!

Hi, Brenda.

ALL: Hi, Bren.

Hi there, son-in-law.

(ALL LAUGHING)

* I go crazy, crazy

* She goes boom, boom, boom

* She annihilates me ADAM: Hey.

We're ordering 'za. Slap me a big head.

Oh, well, see, the thing is I've got the descending dollars meal plan, so I already ate at the union.

I have $120, but it has to last 'til the end of the...

Sorry.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(PLAYING LOUD MUSIC)

* Give it to me, baby Uh-huh, uh-huh

* Give it to me, baby Uh, Chris.

Think you could turn it down just a skosh?

Skosh? What the hell is that?

Just a little.

* Uno, dos, tres cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis

* You know it's kinda hard just to get along today

* Our subject isn't cool but he fakes... *

(TURNS MUSIC OFF)

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm gonna tell you something. And this is going to be for your own good, okay?

Okay.

No one likes you.

(STUTTERING) They don't?

No.

You didn't notice?

Well, no. What did I do? Why... Why doesn't anybody...

Oh, I don't know. I mean.

You talk weird and your clothes are lame.

You never come in with, like, a sixer.

You're just the wormy little guy who sits in his room and studies. It's so gay.

But I'm on a Regent's Scholarship. If I do badly, they'll kick me out.

I'm not like you guys. I mean, you can just drink all night and still pass.

You must be really intelligent.

No, believe me, we're not.

Look, you just... You gotta play it smart. Okay?

Take a few Mickeys.

Mickeys?

Yeah, Mickey Mouse. You know, cake, easy classes.

But I have to take my prerequisites.

Well, okay, take whatever you want.

Just try not to be so much like, uh...

You.

You know what I mean.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Just trying to help.

Yeah.

Hey, Chris?

What's a sixer?

It's a six-pack.

Beer. Thanks.

ALL: Hi, Rho. Hi, Bren.

(ALL CLAMORING)

* I'm blue da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die

* Da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die

* Da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die

* Da ba dee da ba die

* I'm blue da ba dee da ba die Excuse me.

* Da ba dee da ba da ba dee da ba die *

Come here, please.

What can I get you?

Your panty hose.

How about a screwdriver? They're really good here.

I'll give you $50 for them.

You can get three for $10 at Walmart.

Sixty dollars.

Please order a drink, mister. Just get a beer, and I'll think about it.

Okay.

Oh, hon, do you have anything smaller? We can't change this yet.

Thanks.

Why'd you do that? No, you get the smaller bills while they're sober.

When they get drunk, they won't know what they gave you.

You can supplement your tips.

You mean give them the wrong change?

No. Say they're donating to your college fund.

Yeah, but that's stealing.

Ah, you're funny.

Hey, J.J.

You are such a little shit.

Annie! Get back here!

You want everyone to think you're Mr. Stud, don't you?

Look, I had to tell them! You did not!

Excuse me, it's Truth or Dare. That's how you play the game. Of course, I had to tell them.

What's wrong with you? You're totally unstable!

Do you think it makes me want you more? Do you have to rub my nose in it?

Are you out of your goddamn mind, you raving lunatic? MAN: Calm down, man.

Look, she's a psychopath.

ANNIE: It makes you disgusting, you stupid troll!

They could be 19, they could be 20.

Here.

Sal, it's 11:30.

Wait a second. I'm talking here.

Yeah, but if I miss the 11:50, then I can't get home.

Give me the money.

People would show a little appreciation. You try to be a nice guy.

And nobody appreciates anything you do for them anymore.

You know, you're $40 short.

What? That's impossible.

Wanna take it up with Victor?

I don't think that's something you really want to call his attention to.

Yeah, but there must be some mistake.

All right. He should be here soon.

(SIGHING)

Here.

Thank you.

MAN (ON PA): The 11:50 for Westchester, the Bronx, and Yonkers is now leaving on track 17.

The 11:50 now leaving track 17.

Wait! Wait!

No! Stop!


Ma, hey, listen. I got totally screwed at study group, my topic was last and I had to stay.

I rushed to the station, but I still missed the last train.

Where are you, at Grand Central?

No, I went with my friend, Linda, to the girls' dorm.

Can you stay there?

Yeah, it's cool. I'll just sleep on her couch.

Okay. All right. I'll call you tomorrow.

All right. Bye. Bye.

She's gonna star 69. It'll only be a second.

(RINGING)

Rubin Hall, ladies' residence.

Is the dorm for girls?

Yes, this is the dormitory for women.

Can just anybody get in there?

No, there are security doors and a night watchman.

Uh-huh. Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, that was great. Thank you.

Oh, bless you, honey.

* Sometimes I feel

* Like I am drunk behind the wheel

* The wheel of possibility

* However it may roll

* Give it a spin See if you can somehow fight to end

* You know there's always more than one way

* To say exactly what you mean to say

* Was I outta my head or was I outta my mind?

* How could I have ever been so blind?

* I was waiting for an indication

* It was hard to find

* Don't matter what I say only what I do

* I never mean to do bad things to you

* So quiet that I've finally woke up

* If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too

* Was I outta my head or was I outta my mind?

* How could I have ever been so blind? *

(SUCKING)

Oh, dude, I got this girl's phone number last night.

Guess what she's got. Herpes?

No, genius, she's got a pierced tongue.

It means she's gay, you know.

What are you talking about?

It adds to their sensual pleasure.

CHRIS: No, it's for my sensual pleasure. NOAH: It is not.

Let's ask Dr. Drew.

Okay, we got Chris on the phone here from Seattle.

He wants to know which sex prefers a pierced tongue more.

I don't get it.

(SIGHS)

Come on, guys. I just washed all these towels.

CHRIS: Oh, Paul, next time don't use so much starch.

(NOAH LAUGHING)

Hey, has anybody seen my toothbrush?

CHRIS: You can't find it? Shit.

You better find that thing, man. Those things can cost up to $2.50.

NOAH: Yeah, and yours had such a nice handle.

(LAUGHING)

Well, you still don't qualify for financial aid. Try student placement.

Those jobs pay only five or six dollars an hour, and I make three times as much at the bar.

But I can't pay the tuition unless I work more hours, and I can't do that because I have to travel back home.

What can I tell you?

Not everybody who's accepted can actually attend this school.

Why don't you try to get yourself emancipated?

Okay. Thank you.

Oh. Where are your parents' tax returns?

Um, I don't have them.

Well, how can you prove that they're not claiming you as an exemption?

Well, they kind of are, but if I get emancipated, and I get financial aid, then I'm sure they'll stop.

All right. Who's your attorney?

What, an attorney against my parents?

Are you say... Are you say...

(COUGHING)

Are you...

Are you saying that it's uncontested?

Yeah.

Then you're gonna need W-2s, rent stubs, proof of residence, power and water bills.

I don't have a residence.

Well, you can't get emancipated to live on the street. Okay?

I can't apply for work-study unless I get emancipated.

Then you're gonna have to get an apartment.

But all my money goes to tuition.

Then you'll just have to make more money.

(WATER DRIPPING)

Noah! Noah! Get up! Give me a hand.

Here, hold it up. Hold it up!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, guys, shouldn't we call the resident or housing services or something?

No! We're not supposed to have water beds.

They'll think we did something bad.

What?

Dude, it's only water. Let it dry, man.

PAUL: Guys...

Noah, Noah, we're eating. Come on.

No. Noah!

NOAH: Breakfast.

Wait! Wait!

ADAM: We have to resolve this Paul issue.

NOAH: That guy's totally weak.

We gave it our best shot. I say we get rid of him.

Yeah, I mean, look at him and look at us.

I mean, the guy can't possibly feel like he belongs.

If he was with his own kind, he'd feel more comfortable and better about himself.

It would be best all around.

I try to get along with everybody. But that guy's got no personality.

And he reflects poorly on us with the ladies.

Uh-huh.

Would you happen to take student meal vouchers?

No.

Okay, Paul, apparently you've caused some problems for your roommates.

So let's see if I can't resolve this situation.

Now, what are your complaints with Paul?

Well, it's not that I don't like Paul as a person. He's a very fun-loving guy.

But, uh, we sort of divided up our chores for the week, and he's always too busy, or has some excuse, and we wind up doing his.

How about you, Noah?

Well, he says derogatory things about other ethnic groups.

And even though I believe in freedom of speech, you know, it's like...

You know, the way smoke is air pollution, I feel that racial slurs are a form of hearing pollution.

Yeah, and look, I don't want to sound girly about any of this, but I think that all of us have taken an exception to Paul's personal hygiene.

Yeah.

How about Paul makes more of an effort?

We'll meet again after a grace period and see how it's going.

You know, I don't know if I could do that.

I love making racial slurs, and I hate doing chores, and this indoor plumbing is just way too confusing for me.

So, hey, that's who I am and if they can't deal with it then...

Then I'd rather live alone.

Okay. I'll file this with housing and see if we can get you moved.

But, uh, in the meantime, better start packing.


You from the veterinary school?

Uh, no.

Then why'd they pick you?

Well, there's a housing shortage. I'm on the list for another dorm.

But since I'm not a paying customer, I'm sure I'm low priority.

(DOG BARKS)

Oh, that's okay, baby. It's all right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did the mean man hurt you? It's okay. Give me kisses.

Yes. Don't worry.

(WHINING)

It's all right, baby.

These are the operating rooms.

But don't ever go in there. They're sterile.

All you have to do is change their poopie papers, give them their medications listed here, and if any of the animals have an emergency, you gotta page the vet.

And this, here, is your room.

You got your hot plate, your bed and the refrigerator, but that is for employees only.

(EXHALES)

Oh, you'll get used to the smell.

Can I get some help over here? Yeah.

(MEOWING)

Just hold her down.

Oh, meow, meow. Shut up.

I could use your help on a tooth cleaning as well.

You, uh, do something with her, okay? Thanks.

(MEOWS)

Yeah, I know.

I hear you. Boy, do I hear you.

Dora, Victor wants to see you.

It's okay. It'll be okay.

I don't think this is working out.

What? Why not?

You see this? Last night, Kitty's station, $1,200.

Angel's station, $1,400. Your station, $600.

Yeah, but I'm in the back. There's always less people back there.

You're not getting it. What do you do if a customer talks to you?

I... I listen, act interested.

No. You say something funny, then walk away.

So if they want to talk to you, they got to buy more drinks.

Okay, I'll... I'll try and do better.

Oh, forget it.

I don't know if you're too smart or too stupid, but it ain't happening.

It's a shame. Could have made some real money. Take this and get out of here.

Look, please just let me finish tonight. I really need the tips.

Victor, she's working her way through college.

Did I ask you?

(SCOFFING)

Come on, take it. For last week. Take it.

Man, our T.G. party was a total bust.

Every time I got close to hitting it with one of those mamas, her evil girlfriend's got to show up and screw everything up.

What we need is a higher female-to-male ratio, like in cool nightclubs where they let in five times as many women as men.

How are we gonna get five times as many women to show up?

We have a party, but we call it a fund-raiser.

NOAH: So we got to think of a charity.

It's got to be the right charity. It's got to attract hotties.

Yeah, what's that country with all the babies?

China. Romania.

No, but wait. I don't know about babies.

No, I mean, that's going to give them the wrong message.

How about AIDS?

Oh, there's a mood setter.

How about a suicide hotline?

Do they need a fund-raiser? All they have is phones. Are you sure?

Hey, backpacks. Whoa, whoa. What's going on?

Inspections for drugs and alcohol.

What? Since when?

O'Brien from the eighth floor's in a coma.

So?

So the board instigated some new policies.

This is whack.

Can they even do this?

I'm calling my father's lawyer.

Our parents pay a lot of money for us to enjoy our college experience.

Yeah.

(BEEPING)

Hey, my metal detector.

I don't know how to make this any easier for you. It's character evaluation.

It's not unlike one of those VH-1 Legends shows, except you're discussing a fictional character instead of a coked-out singer.

Do we understand this? How about this, dismissed.

Ah, yes. Mr. Alcott?

Yes? I don't understand my grade.

EDWARD: That's the letter we use for failure. See me after class.

Maybe we can work something out.

Do you have to ask him something?

No. It's okay. Go ahead.

Professor Alcott?

Yes?

I'm on a Regent's Scholarship, and I have to maintain a 3.5 average, which I can do with two A's and a B+ because there's one B I'll get in physics.

But I can't get less than a B because I only have one A left to balance it.

And the thing is, sir, my roommates.

They never really let me have any quiet study time. And now I've had to move.

And I'm in a...

You know, I have this kind of crazy philosophy that your grades should represent your grasp of the material and not your negotiating skills, which are amazing, by the way.

No, I'm so... Sir, I would never ask for a grade that you didn't think was fair.

It's just that since I have 20 credits, and I only need 16, I was wondering if I could take this class pass/fail so I don't get kicked out.

And, sir, I promise, I wouldn't slack off. In fact I'd work doubly hard.

Well, listen, I'm ecstatic to hear your plans to work doubly hard because Lit 100 courses are never given pass/fail.

Just doesn't work. So why don't you take all that non-slacking energy, and try to apply it, focus it towards your finals? Okay?

Yes, sir.

That wasn't very nice.

Well, I'm a mean son of a bitch. When's your next class?

Not 'till 6:00.

I'm off at 4:00.

Okay, but can we discuss something that I want to ask you about, in a non-emotional way?

Dora, seriously, wow am I supposed to teach a course on Camus when you're wearing this sweater?

I think I'm going to have to take it off.

Do you think 4:00, my place? I could be wrong, but I think so.

And I'm sorry you feel that way about the French, but it is kind of a course on European literature.

So, uh, can't ignore the whole country, you know?

(GIGGLES)

Paulie.

Hey, can I help you with something here?

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you just kick me out of our room for wetting your bed or something?

Ah, hey, wait a minute, Noah didn't talk to you about this?

Look, Chris, what do you want?

You really thought that we were kicking you out?

Come on. You're my asshole buddy.

Look, since O'Brien died...

What?

O'Brien on the eighth floor, he died.

So they've instituted this new policy where they're doing grocery inspections, to make sure there's no alcohol coming in, and they're doing spot checks to make sure that there's one guest per person.

Just because one guy can't monitor his buzz, all of us gotta suffer.

Which is why Adam came up with this great idea that one of us has to get an off-campus residence.

Noah didn't explain any of this to you at all?

No, he didn't. And, look, maybe I'm the world's biggest cynic, but I'm finding all of this very, very hard to believe.

Paul, why would I play you, dude?

Why, why? I don't know why.

Why would you reset my alarm clock so I'd be late for class?

Why would you hide all of my clothes and fill all the drawers with...

Styrofoam.

Why did you glue together every page of my psych book?

You know how long that took?

Oh, hey, I thought you were gonna laugh, man.

That's just stuff that we do to each other.

Look, Paul, all I wanted is for you to feel like you were part of the group, man.

I mean, seriously.

You remember all those talks we had about how nobody liked you and what you could do?

I was just trying to help you get in with us.

I was tired of seeing you sitting around by yourself, man. Come on.

Look, can we have, like, a trial-run get together tonight?

Paul, I guarantee you, you will tap some fine hide.

Well, actually, I have these Everclear tickets for tonight, and I was gonna ask a girl.

Smooth.

Hey.

This is Annie's.

Oh, oh. No, no, no, no.

No, I don't know where that came from. I have no idea where that came from.

Paul. What?

Are you hitting my bitch?

No! No. I'm not hitting your bitch.

I've never hit your bitch, nor would I ever hit your bitch.

I'm just playing with you.

Because I... You know. You know me, right?

I know. I know.

Nah, I knew it was there. I put it there.

Yeah.

Look, I gotta go, okay? Dust.

Dust. Dust.

(MOANING)

God. Every part of me is satisfied.

(GIGGLING)

Even my teeth are relaxed.

Oh, shit.

I'm late. I've got a 7:00 workshop. What time is it?

Well, wait. You said we'd have time to discuss something.

Well, yeah, uh, I'm listening.

Well, uh, I got fired from my job, and I'm not going to have enough money for next semester's tuition.

Oh, God. What are we gonna do?

Well, I figured if I get a job on the graveyard shift, then I'd be earning money instead of commuting, and I could maybe crash here.

Hold on. Hold on.

Wait. Not even in the bed. I could sleep on the couch.

No, no, no. I don't want to go there.

Go where?

That domestic place. I don't want to have your grunge, gothic-wear lying around in my closet or those blackhead strips in the bathroom, posters up of Axl Rose.

Axl Rose? Whatever adolescent icon.

Listen, you know how these things sour when people get too close.

You get tired of each other. I don't want that to ever happen to us. You know why?

Because I love you too much.

You love me so much, you'd rather have me sleep on the street or drop out of school.

I love the sweet... Where are my notes?

My sweet, sexy, smart girl that I have fun with.

If I wanted all this teen angst, I'd watch reruns of My So-Called Life.

You know, I'd do anything to make you happy.

I type your papers. I grade your tests.

I've always told you not to do that unless you want to. Thank you.

You know, you're right.

Just because I'm giving doesn't mean that I can expect a man to lift a finger for me.

You know, I'm sure if she were alive, Dora, Betty Friedan would applaud your little epiphany.

Oh, yeah? Well, if Kafka were alive, he'd say, "Stop misinterpreting my novels, you pretentious bonehead!"


Hey, again.

Hi.

I eat here, like, every night. I've never seen you come in.

You eat in the student center every night?

I mean, there's, like, 20 restaurants on every block.

Yeah, I don't know New York that well.

Well, you should do some exploring. It's the best city in the universe.

Well, see you.

Where you going?

Job interview.

I'll walk you.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't see why Alcott wouldn't let you go pass/fail.

Well, rules are rules, right? What can he do?

Say, uh, do you know this group Everclear?

Are you kidding? They're my favorite.

They are?

Yeah, I love self-loathing complaint-rock you can dance to.

Do you want to see them tonight?

Because I've got two tickets I came across.

Shut up! But you know, I've got these three interviews.

But there's an opening act, right?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, there's an opening act.

Can I meet you there at 9:30?

Nine thirty? 9:30 would be great, yeah.

But here, you know what? Why don't you take one?

And if your interviews, you know, they go long, I can just, you know, I can meet you inside. You can meet me inside.

Thanks.

Now, don't go scalping that.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay.

Hey. Why did you ask me? I mean, you hardly know me.

Well, sure I do. I know you're smart.

You care when people bang up their knees.

You don't waste money on food when you can get free honey.

Uh, you're cute.

You take a train from somewhere, right? The number six. I know that.

All right. Um...

I'll meet you there. Um...

Paul. Paul. Paul.

I'm Dora.

I'll see you, Paul.

Yeah, I'll see you, Dora.

Dust.

Whoo!

When did O'Brien die?

After you left. Before the crackdown.

Uh, first they changed the dorm code, and then...

And then we got our idea. We thought Noah told you.

My bad.

I feel awful I never got to know him better.

Yeah, that would have saved him.

(SNIGGERING)

I mean, uh, it's, like, I'll never forget how weird it felt when I just happened to be looking out of the window, and I see this body go by.

I thought he was in a coma.

He... He fell into a coma.

Hey, come check out my lighting design. Look at this.

You ready?

Oh, yeah. Lighting changes the party decor entirely.

Pretty extravagant.

Yeah, well women expect you to set the mood. We're not in high school anymore.

What about in here?

Oh, no, no, no. That's the operating room. Not in there.

Hey, I'm gonna go grab a slice. You wanna come?

Yeah. Sure. Yeah? Let's go, buddy.

NOAH: Look what I found. Oh, man.

Noah, that's for the animals. You don't need flea medication, do you?

Oh, I don't know, man. He has slept with a lot of dogs.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, man. Come on. Come on.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

What's this?

It's an application for the night-shift job.

Where you get this?

From the guy who was just here.

Night shift is dangerous. We can't have girls.

Man. That's the third time that that's happened to me.

Why don't you just say so in your ad?

He should not have given you.

You know, I don't even know if that's even legal.

Actually, it's not.

It's in violation of sexual discrimination laws.

Call next week.

Yeah, right.

Hey.

Oh, hey, thanks for trying to help out.

Yeah, well, you know, it's just disgusting the way women get treated.

Yeah. I just wish they didn't waste my time.

Hey, do you have plans tonight? There's this great fund-raiser.

It's blowing off the hook.

Um, I have a date, but it doesn't start for 45 minutes.

Well, come drop by. You know, it's for a good cause, homeless animal shelter.

Yeah, I don't really have any funds to donate.

Well, it's okay. Just, you know, come in out of the cold until your date.

Okay, but only if I can help you carry that.

Gus, what's up, man?

Hey, man, how's it going?

Hey, how are you? Wow, you look amazing.

I like this very much. That's very nice. Come on in.

So, how you been?

What a turnout, huh?

I don't know how I'm gonna find my date.

Excuse me. Yeah?

I'll take a T-shirt.

All right.

You know what? I'll take two.

Okay.

Hey. What's up?

It's just juice. Drink it up. You look a little dehydrated.

It's... It's good. It's got juices and cranberry.

Do you know cranberry juice is good for your urinary tract?

What time is it?

Oh, it's early.

So, uh, which do you like better, yellow or checks?

Why?

Because I wanna know which kind of cab to call when we're done.

(CHUCKLING)

Dude, dude, dude, come here. Come here. Come here.

You gotta help me.

Lisa is all primed, but her helpful friend, Fat Rita, will take her home unless she gets some action too.

Okay, first of all, I'm way too wasted to be operating heavy machinery.

And second of all, I got this little spinner all G-ed out. She's liquid.

Leave her on the back burner. Take one for the team.

You owe me one. Yes.

Count on it. All right.

(WHOOPING)

Where's the bathroom? I don't feel so good.

Okay, next patient, please.

Oh, what is it, your head?

No, it's my stomach.

Here, this will settle it.

What is it?

It's for your tummy. Here, drink it real fast.

That'll help your stomach.

* She clings to me like cellophane

* Fake plastic submarine Do you know where the bathroom is?

* But now that's over

* Why? Why do you always kick me when I'm

* High?

* Knock me down 'til we see eye to eye

* Figure her out

So where you been all night? Have to go to the bathroom?

It was the cranberry juice... You gotta give me your number before you go.

Give me your number.

* Right now

(HARMONIZING)

* This is the song about Susan

* This is the song about the girl next door

* This is the song about the everyday occurrences

* That make me feel like letting go

* Yes, I think we've got a problem

* So much for the afterglow

* So much for the afterglow Whoa! Yeah! Excuse me!

Excuse me, this seat's taken. What?

This seat's taken!

* I remember we could talk about anything

* I remember when we used to wanna hang out

* I remember we could talk about anything

* I remember when we used to want to hang out

* I remember we could talk about anything *

Yeah! What? What? This seat's taken!

I know. We'll move when they come, man.

No, no, no, no, no. Whoo! Yeah!

* I remember, I remember Whoo! All right!

Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!

* Yeah Whoo! Whoo!

(SIGHING)

Real nice.

Taxi, come here.

Good girl. How'd you get out of your cage, huh?

(WHINING)

All right, Roxi. Come on. Come on, Roxi.

And you. Come here.


Hey, come on. Party's over. Let's go.

Hey.

Dora?

Perfect. Hey, Dora, come on. Wake up.

Wake up.

I don't believe in sleeping together the first date, okay, especially one you didn't show up for.

Come on.

Dora?

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, Dora. Wake up, please. Wake up.

Uh, all right. All right. I got you.

I got you. Come on. Let's go.

(SIREN BLARING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I'm sorry. That's all I got.

What's her name? Dora Diamond.

How long has she been unconscious? I don't know.

Do you know what drugs she's ingested? All I found was beer cans.

Are you a relative?

No, no. When I got home, she was like that. Some friends had a party.

Nice party.

MAN (ON TV): ...put my glasses on because it actually does look like hair growing there.

WOMAN: All Ron does is spray this. Ron, what is...

Going bald sucks.

They say it comes from your mother.

My mother's got hair, you know?

Of course she does.

Is she okay? She's stable.

We pumped her stomach just to be sure.

If she took Rohypnol, she'll be out for another eight hours.

Now the problem is on her student emergency card, she has Professor Alcott as her next of kin.

You wouldn't happen to know where her parents are or if she's insured?

No, no. I don't know. Um, did you call Professor Alcott?

He doesn't know her, and we can't keep her here.

Well, I can take her. I'm her boyfriend.

I thought you just found her like this.

Well, yeah, I did, um, and boy, was I angry.

Okay.

Just fill this prescription.

Great, thanks.

(KNOCKING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Hey, man, am I a man of my word or what? Hey, hey, hey.

What the heck went on here?

I just came by to help you clean up.

Oh. And I suppose you don't have any idea about Dora?

No, who is that?

The girl who almost had an OD in the bathroom.

She almost OD'd? Yeah.

I came home, I found her passed out, and I took her to the hospital.

Shut up. All right. Where is she?

Hey. Hey, man.

What kind of drugs were you giving out here?

Drugs?

Man, all we had was beer.

But you can't pass out from beer.

Yes, you can if you take something before you drink it.

Oh, her?

What do you mean "Oh, her?"

Adam found her at a liquor store looking for a party.

And the last time I saw her she was all over Noah, so God only knows what she took.

Noah? That... That's impossible.

Why is that impossible, man? You know these bridge-and-tunnel girls.

I mean, they sleep around to avoid the commute.

(STAMMERING) We were going to the concert. She...

She never showed up.

Oh, man. Come here.

I'm gonna help you out with this, okay, dude?

Look, all right.

We're gonna do this again next Friday, and I'm gonna hook you up with a nice girl, the kind of girl that you deserve.

Now what are we gonna do with her?

Uh, she just has to sleep it off, rest a couple of days.

Okay. What about her parents?

I don't know.

Uh, she put Professor Alcott as her "in case of emergency" person.

What's that all about?

I don't know.

Hey, I'm gonna get out of here.

And, uh, you... You'll call me if you need anything?

Yeah, sure.


Hey, Einstein, you can't sleep while you tan.

Look at you. You're all burned.

The tan is underneath, man. I have many layers.

So, what's this genius plan you've devised?

Uh, okay. Listen to this.

We figure out which class we're doing worst in, and we drop it.

Then we transfer into European Lit 101, but it has to be Professor Alcott's class.

That way we dump a "D" and transplant it with an "A."

And why is Alcott suddenly giving us all "A"s?

Yeah.

I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

(MEOWING)

All right. All right.

Hey, quiet, you guys.

Hi.

Oh, good morning.

How long have I been asleep?

Since Friday night.

My God. And I've been in your bed and everything.

Oh, it's no problem.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

Are you on any special medication?

No.

Did you have a lot to drink?

No.

I was at a convenience store applying for the night-shift job.

And there was this guy there, and he told me about this fund-raiser that he was having.

And he brought me back here, and I drank some juice.

I don't really remember much after that.

You know, I think somebody slipped me a roofie or something.

Oh, boy.

I have got to stop trusting people.

You want some lunch? Yeah, you do.

You haven't eaten in days. I'm starving. I ate this morning.

What do you say?

Hey, when you took me to the hospital, did they call anybody to come get me?

No, no. Uh, they said you were okay to go home, and rest a couple of days and drink plenty of liquids.

Oh, and you need to take these.

Charcoal?

Mmm-hmm, so I can start a fire in your heart.

All right. That'll be ready in just a minute. You just lie back and veg, as you young people say.

And I will read The Plague so we don't fall behind in lit class.

You know, I don't know about you, but I really need a B+ in Alcott's class.

Uh-oh. Alcott hates neediness.

You know how old he is?

He's only 34. and he's been a full professor for almost 10 years.

He was the youngest in the history of the university.

Is that gonna be on the final?

Look, I'm sorry.

I should've told you that he was my boyfriend.

We've been together all semester.

I just wish they would've called him instead of causing you all this trouble.

Oh, no. Hey, it's, um...

(CLEARING THROAT)

It's no trouble. I enjoy having you here.

Yeah, but I've been asleep.

Yeah, well, I guess it's a good thing I'm easily amused, right?

Why are you so nice?

I don't know.

ADAM: Hey, buddy. Yo, 4:20 later.

Yo, gonna see you Friday, right? All right.

Professor Alcott? Uh, I need to talk to you about Dora.

I cut you the same deal as I cut the others.

Sir, the thing is she's at my place, and she had her stomach pumped because she was given some drugs.

And she's been really sick all weekend.

And... And her file, it lists you as her "in case of emergency" person.

Look, um...

Paul. Paul.

Uh, Miss Diamond has kind of like this schoolgirl crush on me.

You know how they can build these entire relationships up in their head.

It's great of you to be so concerned.

Sir, I don't think you understand.

No, I understand. Okay? I understand.

I get it. It's fine. We'll work it out. Okay?

Sir...

Good girl.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Thanks, Dora. I can finish up. Yeah.

Good girl.

Oh, come here. I gotta show you something.

So what do you think?

I like it. Kind of...

Kind of institutional, yet post-Victorian.

Very nice. Very nice.

Oh, wait, but look.

She's pregnant. We've got to let her out.

She doesn't want to have them in here.

Yeah, she might run away, though.

But look at her. She's really unhappy. She's got to find a safe spot.

Okay. Sure.

Come here, sweetie. Oh, there you go.

(SIGHING)

Hey, uh, I found these on your desk.

Oh, my gosh.

It's almost not like him.

I mean, I know he loves me, but he's never committed to paper before.

Oh.

How can I ever thank you?

Uh, for what? For saving my life.

For taking care of me.

You've been amazing.

Wait. Where are you going?

I'm gonna go home.

I feel much better now, and I've got to start looking for a job.

And I'm sure you want to get a good night's sleep in your own bed.

No. No. I mean, if you stay tonight, you can get an early start tomorrow.

Well, but I don't even have any clean clothes.

Actually, I was just about to do a wash.

We can both wear my extra-fashionable laundry clothes.

What is this?

Mid '90s hip-hop for the Heartland.

My mother was trying to help me be cooler, so she went to Sears where they take the guesswork out of exposing underpants.

(GIGGLING)

Well, uh, if this is all you have, then I think we better do a wash.

Yeah. I'll change in there.

Oh, hey. Uh... Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just looking for another bag to put the laundry in.

Sure, you know what... Sure. I'll get you...

Yeah, yeah. Okay, thanks.

I'll get you... I'll get you a bag.

Well, you didn't get it from me. Come on.

WOMAN: What are you talking about?

Is it burning and itching?

Burning and itching? What's gonna happen?

Well, is... I... Is there some...

Is there a discharge?

Oh, now suddenly you know all about it, don't you?

Isn't it gross what people talk about on cell phones?

Yeah. You'd think they'd be embarrassed to have a private conversation in front of strangers. You know?

Yeah, I hate people with cell phones.

All of them? Yep.

And I hate everyone in there because they can get the new Garbage CD.

And I hate all the people in there because they can just eat whatever they wanna eat.

And I hate anyone who has time to study.

Oh.

You hate a lot of people.

I'm a rotten, nasty, little person.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Not having any money isn't ennobling. It makes you mean.

Oh, yeah. I get it. That's why all the really nice people are rich.

So who do you hate?

No one.

Really?

Uh, yeah.

Wow. I wish I could be more like you.

So how come you always wear that hat?

Because something like 90% of your body heat escapes through your head.

But you're not particularly attached to it, are you?

No, not really. Why?

Come on. Uh, what?

* I will buy you a garden

* Where your flowers can bloom *

These belong to someone.

No one who needs them more than you.

Howdy, Miss Dora.

Oh, wait. Here. Try this.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, that's the one.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Should I, uh... Should I leave this one here?

No, leave it in the park for a homeless person.

Okay.

PAUL: After you. Thank you.

Honey, I'm home!

Who are you talking to?

The dogs.

Well, what about the kitties?

Kitties, I'm home!

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Oh, it's moving. It's alive.

Come on. We have to hurry.

Here. Put it on the heating pad.

Oh.

And, uh... Oh, and get some gloves, okay?

We can't let it pick up our scent, otherwise the mother will reject it.

Oh, no.

So, we have to carefully cut it out of its membrane.

What I need you to do...

Okay.

Ready. Okay.

Hold... Uh-huh. Oh, God, be careful!

Oh, don't poke it. Don't worry. Don't worry.

Hold that for me right like that, okay?

Okay. Yeah. You got it? Okay.

Now I'm just gonna cut the membrane. Oh, be careful.

And we're gonna get this little guy out, okay?

Oh, watch the head. Yep.

Watching it. Okay.

Oh, be careful. Mmm-hmm.

Pull it back. All right. Almost there. I'm almost there.

All right. Yeah. You got it? All right. Now I'm just gonna cut right...

Oh. Ah! ...underneath there and...

Oh. Mmm. Okay.

Here we go. Here he comes. Wow.

Look at the head. It's so cute.

Is it alive?

Oh, yeah. It's alive.

Oh. Let's go.

(MEOWING)

Let's see.

Here. Come on. Hey.

Come on.

Oh, now what?

All right. Well, I'll just keep it warm and we'll try again in a few minutes.

You know, I always wanted a kitty, but my mom was allergic.

Yeah, I wasn't allowed to have pets in my building, but my girlfriend Janet, she had a Siamese.

You have a girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend. We dated in high school.

Do you still see her?

No. She lost some weight over the summer, so she's dating a lot more now.

You know how it goes.

I guess it sounds pretty lame to someone in a love affair... Relationship, whatever it is.

I don't even know what it is.

He thinks that I'm too young or something, so he doesn't want to have a relationship, but...

Then he says things like how he feels we're the same person inside and if he was female, he'd be me.

But he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Yeah, and that he'd always love me.

And he said he didn't want to be in a relationship.

Yeah. So?

Well, sometimes when someone's telling you something, they're trying to tell you something.

Right. Like men know what's good for them.

Should we try again? Yeah. Let's see.

Hey, hey.

She's licking it.

Told you.

So what do we do now?

Well, why don't you go get some sleep?

And I'll stay here and make sure that she doesn't toss him out.

* Now that your picture's in the paper Thanks.

* Being rhythmically admired

* And you can have anyone that you have ever desired

* All you got to tell me now is why, why, why, why *

Do you really need models of all sizes? Because I'm only 5'4"?

That's not a problem.

I don't have a portfolio.

That's okay because we're gonna take your pictures free of charge.

What? I don't get paid for the pictures?

Honey, this is an agency. We're gonna send the pictures out, and hopefully, somebody will bite.

You can take your clothes off in there.

* But if they knew how I felt they'd bury me alive

* Welcome to my workin' week What makes you so interested in lithography?

Well, I've always loved posters and calendars and stuff, especially the way that the colors get put on separately and then all come together.

Are you in the union?

It didn't say anything about the union in the want ad.

This is a union shop.

* Spend all your money gettin' so convinced Hi. I'm calling for the "gal Friday" job.

WOMAN: Job's taken.

* Sometimes I wonder if we're livin' in the same land

* Why'd you wanna be my friend when I feel like a juggler

* Runnin' out of hands

* Welcome to my world I'm calling about the ad for healthy girls with good S.A.T. scores.

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

Is, uh, this for some sort of drug trial?

And what is the foremost principle of banking?

Remembering your secret pin number.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Forgive me if I reserve my chuckles for when I grade your final.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(KNOCKING)

Guess what? What?

I'm not gonna have to leave school.

I'm gonna have enough money. I got the best job.

Doing what?

Harvesting eggs.

In New York?

What?

You're gonna be a farmer?

No.

I grow baby eggs, and at the end of my cycle, they operate and take them out and give them to infertile couples.

And all I have to do is get a shot every day.

I'm gonna have enough money for tuition and time to study.

And I'm gonna get my mom a dishwasher.

What kind of shots?

Oh, I don't know, like, hormones and girly stuff.

Let's celebrate, okay?

Oh, I only have $30.

It... Don't worry. It's on me. Come on.

Oh, wait, I'm a student member.

You can come anytime. It's always warm.

There's artsy films and the paintings rock.

Thank you.

You know what would be fun? If we pretend we're really rich, and we can have one painting from each room.

Okay.

That one. Ah, puppies.

They're cute. Uh-huh.

This one.

* You believe in something else

* To relieve your emptiness That.

Ooh, this one. That?

That's chick art.

Well, then I suppose you like this one.

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

I mean, what guy wouldn't like a plate of breasts?

What?

* You dry up all your fill but still it's on Are you hungry? I could eat.

* And on and on and on Oh, no. Wait. Isn't that steal... Oh, wait.

Come on.

MAN: It's a great way to make a living.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Isn't this totally pleasant?

This has been the best celebration. Thank you for including me.

Yeah. Have you ever been to a Broadway play?

No, but like I said, I only have $30. Don't worry.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Mmm.

Huh? Here you go.

You missed? Here, let's try it again. Here you go.

You get it? You missed? No.

But don't they check the tickets? DORA: No.

Just pretend like we were out here for a smoke. It'll be fine. Come on.

* Je suis enchante

* Happy to see you

* Bliebe, reste, stay

* Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome

* Im Cabaret

* Au Cabaret

* To Cabaret *

How much money do you have left? Thirty dollars.

I can't believe we didn't spend one cent.

Do you know why? Why?

* The moon belongs to everyone

* The best things in life are free *

Hey, now, don't you get whimsical on me.

Sorry.

What happened to the nasty girl who hates everyone, huh?

I don't know. I have fun with you.

What's that all about? I don't know.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Look at how good he looks. I know.

He's so happy. He's just resting with his brothers and sisters.

You know, we ought to start thinking about preschool.

Oh, what time is it? I want to take the 11:50.

Wait. Why don't you stay another night?

You know? I'll just... I'll get a video and a pizza.

It'd be better than waiting on the train platform, right?

We'll just chill in. You mean chill out?

Either one. Your choice.

Yeah, okay.

You call your mom. I'll go get the video and the pizza.

Don't you go anywhere.

(CHUCKLES)

* I really don't think it gets any better than this

* Vanilla smile and that gorgeous strawberry kiss

* Never guessed it got this good

* I really didn't think it could

* I'd do it again I know we should *

Uh, excuse me? Hello?

Excuse me?

What's up?

Hi. Uh...

Okay, um, of these two, (STUTTERING) which would be good for me and, uh...

(STAMMERING) You know, if I was watching alone with a girl?

Yeah, there you go.

When Harry Met Sally. Hmm.

Could you maintain a rod and watch Billy Crystal at the same time?

Nah. Don't feel bad. No one can.

The Piano, I don't know.

Full frontal on Harvey Keitel.

Not good?

No, that dude's 90% wiener.

Really?

Yeah, even on a small screen that's gonna hurt you.

Here's your winner. Simon Birch.

It's about a little, goofy kid with problems.

Can't go wrong. You'll look like a stud.

And, uh, this is... This is sexy?

Good for the girl?

Yeah, works for me.

Flowers.

* Say you will always be right there Thank you.

* The two of us together

* There will always be Honey, I'm home!

It's so much better saying that to an actual person.

Hey, do you think people said it before TV?

Hello, Paul.

Hello, Professor Alcott.

This has been the best day of my life. Edward asked me to stay over.

It's gonna be so amazing. Isn't that great?

Wow, uh, well, he must really respect you.

Did he, uh, know that you were in the hospital?

Well, I guess. I mean, he did get me those flowers.

And it's a relief because the pressure's off.

I mean, with me taking these fertility drugs, it really gives me the financial freedom so I won't be annoyingly needy.

I may actually turn out to be one of those lucky people.

What lucky people?

Well, you know how there are couples that stay together just because they feel like they can't do any better.

Or there are people who are sad and miserable and live alone?

But then there's this microscopically, teeny group of lucky people, who get to be with the person they're madly in love with.

Dora, you ever considered being in love and leaving out the madly part?

Well, what's the fun in that?

EDWARD: Dora, come on.

Take care of the baby.

* Are you going

* To Scarborough Fair?

* Parsley, sage

* Rosemary and thyme

* Remember me How about some change, man?

* To one who lives there

* She once was

* A true love of mine

* Tell her to make me

* A cambric shirt

* In the deep forest green

* Parsley, sage

* Rosemary and thyme

* Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground

* Without no seam

* Nor needlework

* A child of the mountain

* Then she'll be

* A true love of mine

* Sleeps unaware of the clarion call

* Tell her to find me EDWARD: And don't forget my Somalian beans.

They don't have Somalian. Can I just get Italian?

All right.

Hey.

You sat so far away yesterday.

I thought you hate cell phones.

Oh, it's digital. Edward got it for me.

I miss you guys. Hmm?

You know, Taxi and Roxi and Penny and the baby.

Is he eating solids yet?

Uh, Kitten Chow.

Oh, I, um... I printed this up for you. It's about those fertility drugs.

It seems the hormones that make you produce more eggs also make cancer cells grow faster, so you should probably take a look at it.

You looked this up for me?

No, well, I came across it when I was doing some research, so, I thought...

Do you like Monty Python?

The film school is having a series and...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh. Hello?

EDWARD: I think I'm gonna do a dessert with that.

Yeah.

Like a biscotti.

With nuts?

EDWARD: Yeah, yeah. That'd be great.

Yeah, okay. I'll be right back.

Great. Hurry. Okay, bye.

So, anyway, um, I was thinking of going, and if you're free...

Oh, no, I, um, I really don't have any time.

Uh, if I let my grades fall, I'm out of here.

And, uh, I didn't get much work done last week, so...

I'm sorry.

No, it's not. It's not your fault. I just, um, I'm under a lot of pressure, you know?

Yeah. Right. Well, if you change your mind.

Yeah, okay.

Okay. Sure.

Well, bye.

Bye.

Isn't it totally great how comfortable this is?

I mean, I have this feeling of bliss just sitting here sewing.

Do you feel it too? What made you change your mind about me being here?

Dora, can we turn down the intensity just a notch?

I was just thinking how beautiful you looked while you were being quiet.

Oh. Okay.

All right. What did you want to say?

No, I was just wondering what made you change your mind about me being here.

Well, I figured as long as I was gonna suffer the consequences, I may as well have you here doing some mending.

Suffer what consequences?

As you probably know, I'm listed as your next of kin on your medical records.

I know. I wanted to talk to you about that.

Yeah. I don't want to discuss it.

Your little fraternity buddies would like to spread the word now of a student-professor affair complete with date-rape medication and stomach pumps.

Would you make me a cup of tea?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. But I was drugged.

Oh, it's fine. They've agreed to keep silent in exchange for A's in literature.

Plunge the tea bag four to six times, remove it and squeeze in a half a lemon, please, and two-and-a-half teaspoons of sugar.

But Paul had nothing to do with it, right?

Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah. They're all my little honor students.

Bet they couldn't get through a copy of Rolling Stone between the four of them.

Here.

Oh, not in a mug.

It needs to be in a cup with a saucer.

Please.

So they all came to you together and blackmailed you?

Hon, I'm reading now.

ADAM: Dora, Dora, Dora! Whoa, hold up! CHRIS: Hey, Dora!

Hey, you know, you've been kind of an inspiration to us.

What?

Yeah, so we got this killer scheme. We wanted to get you in on it.

It was Chris' idea. Yeah, but it'd really help us if we could get a girl.

What are you talking about?

Okay, look. This spring when we're planning our programs, we want to target professors that are single, lonely, you know, for us, women, for you, men, so you have more choices.

You know the drill after that. But once they're romantically interested, you start to drop hints that you're legally underage. It's genius!

Meanwhile, we all get fake ID's, except instead of being 21, we're only 17.

You see where we're going with this?

Imagine how high your G.P.A. will be.

Look, all you have to do is coordinate your schedule with us.

You guys are amazing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

All right. She's in, right? Excellent. She's in. She's in.

Hey. Okay, see, there you go again with those books, man.

What is that? Studying?

Good one, man. Oh, don't forget about Friday.

Oh, what's the matter? You didn't raise enough money at your last fund-raiser?

Funny you should mention it. We barely made enough to cover the beer, but I got it in check, brother.

I scored some rope. Normally, chicks can drink like six, seven cans and don't feel it, but these bad boys, one and you're done.

Be careful.

Thanks, dude. Ah, so Friday?

Right. Right.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm looking for white pills that come in a pop-out package.

We have this aspirin that's in a bubble pack. Right, right.

These have writing on them. I'm looking for pills without the writing.

Uh, there's this.

PAUL: What do they do? Pretty much nothing.

PAUL: Any harmful side effects?

WOMAN: Might make you a bit smarter.

Oh, my God. Are you guys taking psych?

BOTH: Yeah.

Did you ever look in the book?

BOTH: No.

Look at this retard.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Dude, what's cracking?

Dude, um, I left some books in the closet. You mind if I get them?

Are you kidding? Of course not. Want a beer or anything?

Yo, Paul, you ever heard of autism?

ADAM: Hey, um, are we still on for the shelter on Friday?

Uh, you know, I heard they might be painting the place on Friday.

I'll, uh, I'll have to find out.

See what you can do, man, because otherwise, we're up shit creek.

Okay!

ADAM: Help us out, Paul. It costs a lot to rent a bar.

PAUL: Thanks, guys. Thanks, buddy.

CHRIS: Don't be a stranger now, buddy, okay?

* You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals Ooh, put your pants on.

Cover that up.

* So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel *

Ladies, ladies, there's no need to argue.

There's plenty for everyone. Now if we can just line up in an orderly fashion.

Hey, it looks like a penis, but smaller.

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

You got two minutes to cover it or lose it.

(GIGGLING)

This sucks!

Oh, you think? I would've said it more blows.

Look at Kelly and Gwen. I slipped them some rope an hour ago.

I gave one to Shelly and look at that.

Hey, maybe girls are developing an immunity, you know, like the way pesticides don't work on a lot of bugs anymore.

And look how amped these chicks are.

ADAM: Oh, great.

If this doesn't work, we're gonna have to rely on our charm.

CHRIS: Man, that stuff you got us was totally useless.

NOAH: Yeah, well, you still owe me 150 bucks.

Oh, I don't think so. The stuff I had had writing on the package.

What are you talking about?

This isn't them.

Someone snagged our rope?

Who knows where I keep my stash?

Paul. Weak.

Do you see what's wrong with this?

Well, when the Greeks use a column, it holds something up, so form follows function, and it's beautiful in its simplicity, but this Roman column is incorporated into the wall and...

I assume from your mocking tone you have an opposing viewpoint?

No, but I mean, don't you ever like looking around just because it's all so pretty?

Pretty? Well, I mean, not everything needs a lecture.

Christmas decorations are pretty. Okay.

The cast of Friends is pretty. Okay.

This is a world-class museum. You only get what you put into it.

(SIGHS)

Sorry.

Hi. Paul Tannek to see Professor Alcott.

He's in a meeting, so why don't you have a seat.

Okay. Thank you.

WOMAN: That's fine. I'll hold.

Peter? Yeah. Paul.

Um, should we go inside? No, not at all. What can I do for you?

Well, Dora left these, and I'm not sure if she's supposed to take any more and...

Good-bye, Professor Alcott.

Thanks for helping, Kristen.

Let's talk in here.

So. how, um, how is Miss Diamond?

Oh, you know Dora. A little goes a long way.

She's a sweet kid, though. Keeps the place immaculate.

Well, you're lucky. She cares about you a great deal.

That's for you.

What is this?

Final exam.

The final's a take-home test?

For you it is.

Ah, come on. That's the deal that I worked out with Chris, okay?

I got to have something to substantiate an A.

What's the matter?

Well, uh, I wasn't aware of a deal.

Well, then, I guess it's a good thing you dropped by.

Well, sir, if it's all the same, I'd rather not.

You planning on saying anything to the dean?

(SIGHING)

No.

You're gonna tell Dora about Kristen?

No, I'm not.

I don't understand.

Well, maybe I just don't like the idea of being bought.

You could lose your scholarship.

Yeah, I guess I could, huh?

Is this like a moral stand?

Is that what you're doing? 'Cause I got to tell you. I don't think that's very smart.

You know what? I really don't...

I really don't give a fuck what you think.

What the hell are you doing? What?

You know what I'm talking about. You stole over $200 of our medication.

Oh, are you referring to the illegal drugs you disperse at parties?

What are you talking about? What, are you gonna turn into a narc on us?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I want to be like the cool guys, the guys who get their daddies to pay for college and then never go to class, the guys who only hit on girls when they're unconscious.

Yeah, because all the girls wanna get with you when they're straight, huh?

Oh, wait. What am I talking about? You're with that Dora girl.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, there's no velvet rope at Club Dora. I mean, any asshole can get in.

You okay?

(GROANING)

MAN: Call security.

Good Lord. I am so sorry. Here, come on.

Are you... Are you okay? I'm all right.

No, let's go get that looked at, okay? Yeah, sure. Thanks, man.

Oh, great news.

What?

I know how it vexes you that we never do anything together, so I'm taking you up to my parents' for Thanksgiving.

You told your parents about me?

Yeah.

I told them that my girlfriend's out of town, and I'm taking up my teaching assistant.

But it'll be great.

(RINGING)

Hello? Hey, Dad.

Hey, there, college boy. What's the matter? You sound a little blue.

How's New York?

It seems like this whole city is one big orgy.

And if you actually care about anyone, you're just some kind of chump.

Yeah, I'm gonna go, but which cleaners?

EDWARD: It's the one on Eighth Street.

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?

Sounds like things are a little rocky with you and Dora.

No, it's not like that, Dad.

I don't even think she knew I liked her that way.

It was just so much fun having her around, you know?

I don't know. Maybe I should come home.

I don't think I belong here.

Oh, man, at your age, you're gonna get your heart broken no matter what city you live in.

Yeah, yeah. I guess.

I just miss her.

God, it's all so expensive.

"What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly." Thomas Paine.

Okay. Hey, why don't I just make something to wear?

Oh, that's... Maybe. Help please.

I mean, if you think I'm just your teaching assistant, why don't I go as myself?

Dora, it's my parents. I can't even go as myself.

That looks fabulous on. I'll start a room for you.

Hey, I feel funny about you buying me an outfit.

Consider it a loan until you're a wealthy woman, the clothes, the haircut.

A haircut? I made an appointment at Bliss.

Just do a little shaping thing.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh, thanks for the flowers.

Hmm. What flowers?

The yellow flowers. You know, when I got my stomach...

Don't mention it.

Those just came in. Please. Thank you. Great.

Let's get started. Okay.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh, grazie. Di dove?

Di Roma. Ah.

Beautiful there, huh? Si.

Dora, we're going to a dinner, not a fox hunt.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Maybe I just shouldn't go with you.

It's fine. I'll take you to Calvin Klein.

Maybe they'll be a little more borough friendly.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Hey, I had a real scare today.

What happened?

Dean Hackelman gave me sort of a knowing look.

Said he wanted to talk to me. I was afraid Paul had informed on us.

Why Paul?

Well, as you know, my so-called "special students" got to take the final home, basically, carte blanche just to get an A.

And he said he wanted nothing to do with it.

I thought Paul and his friends were blackmailing you.

That's just it. Apparently, he wasn't in on it. It was just the other guys.

He even gave me a discourse on how he can't be bought.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

So what grade did you give him?

A "B."

Why didn't you give him a B+?

It was a B paper.

Yeah, but his scholarship.

Yeah, listen. He wanted that whole fairness thing, not me.

* She's touch, smell, sight, taste, and sound

* But somehow I can't believe

* That anything should happen

* I know where I belong

* And nothin's gonna happen

* Yeah

* 'Cause she's so high

* High above me *

DORA: Hello?

Hi. Hi.

Uh, come on in.

I just came by to warn you that Alcott was giving you a B.

Yeah, yeah. I, um, I kind of knew that was gonna happen, so I dropped his class.

But I can... I can take an extra credit and keep my average up, so...

Great.

You cut your hair.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Uh, got to keep up with the times, right? I was, um...

I was kind of going for that "George Clooney, "my face is too cute to hide behind my hair" kind of look, you know?

Looks good.

Well, uh, what's with the pizza?

Oh.

I realized that we never actually got around to watching that video that you rented, so I got another one.

And I figured I might as well get a pizza just in case you were hungry.

Look, Dora...

Okay, I... I can't just go around, watching movies and eating pizza with you.

Not that I don't want to. It's just that there's...

You know, there's other stuff.

And I know you're thinking, "Well, what about our stuff?"

And you're right. I miss it a lot, but I know that Professor Alcott is your boyfriend.

And to tell you the truth, I really don't like him.

Not that... Not that that has anything to do with how I feel about you except that it...

Oh, it... It has a lot to do with how I feel about you.

That's why I can't have any pizza.

Maybe I should try that again.

Paul, he's not my boyfriend anymore.

But I thought you wanna be one of those lucky people?

I do, don't you?

Look, Dora, you can't waltz in here with your videos and looking all cute and, and...

Unless... Unless... Unless what?

Unless you mean it.

What was that? A kiss?

You call that a kiss?

* What if I were Romeo in black jeans?

* What if I was Heathcliff? It's no myth

* Maybe she's just lookin' for

* Someone to dance with

* See?

* It was just too soon to tell

* And looking for some parallel

* Can be an endless game

* We

* We said good-bye before hello

* My secrets she will never know

* And if I dig a hole to China

* I'll catch the first junk to Soho

* What if I were Romeo in black jeans?

* What if I was Heathcliff? It's no myth

* Maybe she's just looking for

* Someone to dance with

* Sometime from now you'll bow to pressure

* Some things in life you cannot measure by degrees

* I'm between the poles and the equator

* Don't send no private investigator to find me, please

* Unless he speaks Chinese

* And can dance like Astaire overseas

* Okay

* What if I was?

* So what if I was?

* Maybe she's just looking for

* Someone to dance with

* What if I was Romeo in black jeans?

* What if I was Heathcliff? It's no myth

* Maybe she's just looking for

* Someone to dance with


* The moon belongs to everyone

* The best things in life are free

* The stars belong to everyone

* They gleam there for you and me

* The flowers in spring

* The robins that sing

* The sunbeams that shine

* They're yours and mine

* And love can come to everyone

* The best things in life are free

* The flowers in spring

* The robins that sing

* The sunbeams that shine

* They're yours They're mine

* And love can come to everyone

* The best things in life are free *