Lost in London (2017) Script


How'd it go?

Oh, I think the people who enjoyed it the most... were the ones who caught up on their sleep.

Er, Laura and the kids have started eating.

Where'd they go?

Er... er, La Petit Vérité.

Oh. Man, Jesus.

You're not in the mood for French food?

No, it's not that, it's just...

Are you‐‐ are you okay?

No, I‐‐ I‐‐ you know, it's just...

I mean, I don't get the idea of drama.

I mean, it doesn't make people happy, right?

Er, and‐‐ and you know, like people...

I know there's some people who‐‐ who, er, feel stuck in comedy... and they wanna prove themselves a serious actor.

I don't.

I mean, I love doing comedy. I love making people laugh.

I‐‐ I don't feel like I need to win an award... for long day's journey into boredom, you know?

And yet here I am, doing another drama.

You know, like a guy who‐‐ who's, er, you know... addicted to a drug that doesn't even get him high, you know?

Like a cigarette smoker who doesn't even... like cigarettes, you know?

And yet, here he goes, having another cigarette... and another cigarette and another cigarette... and another cigarette.

I get the idea, Woody.

Have you ever had that... where you were addicted to something you didn't even like?

Yeah, my girlfriend.

Oh, no kidding?

Yeah, she just says the most awful things like...

I brought her to dinner to meet my parents, right... and before we started eating my mum says, "Let's pray".

She goes, "I'm an atheist".

Like she couldn't just go along with it.

Wow, brutally honest.

Yeah, definitely brutal.

So we bow our heads, close our eyes, and she just sat there... staring at us like we're morons.

Well, how‐‐ how'd you know that?


I mean, if your eyes are closed... how'd you know what she was doing?

Oh, I peeped.

Oh. Yeah.

So anyway, we get through the prayer, we start eating.

It's dead quiet in the room, uncomfortable quiet.

And then she goes, "This chicken's overcooked".

I'd rather her choke on that chicken, than say that.

My god, that could not have gone over good with the parentals.

No... well, my dad loves her.

He says she's been over‐cooking the chicken for 25 years... and someone's finally called her out on it.

My mum asks me every day if I've managed to get rid of her yet.


Well, I'm sorry about that, dude, you know... but I feel‐‐ I feel lucky, you know?

It's like, er, Laura is so cool, you know?

I mean, I‐I think that's true, that statement... happy wife, happy life.

Um, yeah.



What was that?

What was what? What you just said.

What'd I just say?

Dude, is everything cool?

Um, yeah.

Okay, now that's twice.

Yeah, I said "yeah" twice.

Is there something you're not telling me?


Are you sure?

Um, yeah.

Hi, Woody. Hi.

Heavy play.

Oh, tell me.

I miss 'Cheers'. Me, too.

You were so young and innocent back then.

Yeah, be a‐‐ give a lot to be either one of those things now.

You're all right, Woody. Would you sign that for me, please?

Dave. Don't sign for paparazzi, Dave.

Apparently, you do pose for them, though, mate.

Oh, yeah, lovely, lovely, mate. Lovely, thank you.

Woody. Woody. Woody.

Oh my god, I knew something was going on, dude.


When‐‐ when did you see this?

Just this morning.

And you kept it from me all day?

I didn't know you didn't know.

Dude, of course you knew. I didn't know.

What would it have helped to say something earlier?

Because knowledge is power, all right?

For one thing, I never would've had Laura meet me out, okay?

The second she walks out that door... the chances of her seeing it double, quadruple.

Sept... sept‐‐ I'm sorry, Woody.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.

Just relax, just relax, don't get worked up.

Remember your chi, you taught me that.

It's fine, this is nothing new.

Losing my wife is new, dude.

Yeah. No, no, you're fine, maybe she hasn't even seen it.

Oh, that's true, I mean, maybe she hasn't seen it.

Yeah, you'd be able to tell, as soon as you see her... if she's seen it or not.

Right. If she hasn't, get her home.

Right, get her home immediately.

And there's a good chance she never will see it.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Stay positive, life's good.

Right, right, positive, yeah, life is good.

Life's great.

Right, right, life is great.

It's a good day.

It's a great day, man.

Yeah, you got it, Woods.

Alex, you are such a good buddy, man.

Hey, will you come in there with me?

God, no, no, if she has seen it...

I don't wanna be anywhere near you, mate.

Good luck, though, yeah.

Good evening, sir. Thank you.

Hi, hon. Hi, love.

How you doing? I'm good.

Yeah? Yeah.

Everything's groovy?

Why are you acting so strange?

I'm not, I'm not acting str‐‐ Because it's coming and I‐‐ It's cold out there and my lips‐‐ It's coming off as strange, but I'm just strangely happy.

Er, did you eat? Yeah, we ate.

Let's get the check.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's the rush?

Sit down. Look, I got this for you. You're not hungry?

Well, let's doggy bag it, you know‐‐ No, sit down, tell me how the show was tonight, come on.

It was‐‐ it was good. It was just, er‐‐ You know, I, I wanna get you home and, you know... er, maybe get you, and run you a hot bath.

And‐‐ and maybe give you a massage... and then get you drunk and take advantage of you.

Really? Yeah.

Wow, what has gotten into you?

Nothing, I just‐‐ I feel so lucky to be your husband.

You are lucky.

So am I.

And maybe, if you're really, really lucky...

I might just let you take advantage of me.

Um, so where's the rascals? And you know what?

There's still plenty of wine left in this bottle. You want me to pour you a glass?

Let's just cork it, drink it in the tub.

Where's the munchkins?

They're around here somewhere. Here you are, sir.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Can we get the wine and the food to go, please?

Oh, certainly, sir, no problem.

Okay, great.

I'm just kidding.

No, what's the best tip you ever got?

To buy Apple.

That's funny, you're funny.

Yeah, people have accused me of that.

Er, so can I get some candles, maybe?

Whoa, whoa, what has gotten into you tonight?

Well, you know, for the tub, you know.

Er, 'Be Prepared', Boy Scout motto.

Wait, you were a Boy Scout?

Er, Cub, but highly decorated.

Oh, I wish I could have known you then.

Honey, that's almost weird, you'd be way too old for me.

I bet you were a hot, little Cub Scout.

Honey... I think she's having a Chinese reaction to the wine.

500. Huh?

The biggest tip I've ever gotten, 500 pounds.

Holy moly.

Is this 'Natural Born Killer'... making you an 'Indecent Proposal'?


Hey, you can tell me, 'White Men Can't Jump'.

Oh, that's, that's good. Yeah.

500. Oh, oh, right, right.

Hey, yeah... that's sizeable. Okay, here you go.

That's a little‐‐ you know what?

I'm not gonna be able to meet that, er, huge, er, number... that‐‐ whoever that guy, Aristotle‐fricking‐Onassis.

Here, this is‐‐ okay, that's for you.

Very kind, sir.

Ah, to whom much is given, much is required.

Hello, Laura. Hi.

Woody, how are you?

Oh, yeah, hey, hey, uh, good, good. How are you doing?

Excellent, yeah. D'you remember my name?

Oh, your name, er, let's see. Don't tell me.

Moo, Moo, Momah, Mohammed... no, Mu, Musta...

It starts with an 'M', right?

Alan. Alan, right, sorry, yeah.

Just another handsome Arab to you, aren't I?

Right, you really are a handsome Arab.

I'm Iranian.

Oh, it's a pretty language, huh?

Would you like to meet the prince?

Oh, yeah, I never met a prince before, other than Prince.

You wanna meet a prince? Yeah.

Woody, this is Prince Abu Ali Adullah Bin Saltan Al Rahmanil.

Oh, hey, nice to... Oh my god!

Hey, careful, there's gravity there.

Good one. You okay, Papa?

Er, yeah.

Oh, no, you tied other people's shoes?

We tied everybody's.

What should we do, Papa?

Oh, er, well, if I raised you right, you'll go over there... and apologize to 'em.


What do we do now? Run!

That barman needs to cut these people off.


Nice to meet you.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.


You know, you have given me many, many, many... many, many, many, many, many, many... many hours of entertainment.

So many "manys". This is my wife, Laura.

Hello. Oh...


Wow, you are a real beauty.

Oh, thank you. Truly.

You're sweet.

No, no, no, no, no, you're sweet, like sticky honey.

Er... thank you.


Well, I'm just gonna, er, run to the little girls' room, Romeo.

Oh, we got‐‐ we got a bathroom... back at the‐‐ back at the hotel, Juliet.

I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll meet you back here in a trice.

And, I don't even know what that word means.

Oh. Ow.

There's more where that came from.

Wow, you are really feeling randy tonight, huh?

"Randy", that's a good word, too, right?

You scallywag.

Oh, um, you rapscallion.

You scamp. Miscreant.


So, er, how do you know the prince?

Er, he adopted me.

I was a bastard child and he raised me like a baby fawn.

He is a fawn in my side. Fawn in my side.

You'd tell me if I smelled like BO, would you?

Oh my god, babe, of course.

My god, I thought it was me... and then I hugged that guy Alan...

In the green velvet jacket? Yeah, he stinks.

His laugh annoys me as well, I've gotta be honest.

♪ I'm learning to love myself ♪

♪ Yeah I'm learning to love myself ♪

♪ I'm learn‐‐ ♪ No, keep going. My God.

Keep going. I'm‐‐ I'm so embarrassed.

Cute. Yeah... oh, no.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you honestly and just the once... but d'you feel like my neck has grown?

Look at me, like out, like the circumference of it?

Well, that's a 'yes', 'cause I can see it in your face. What?

Babe, babe, do you know what you should do?

Do this, but with your neck. Really? How often?

Just like every morning when you wake up.

I mean, the fat might displace to another part of your body... but I'm sure you'll be fine.

I used to hate my nose, now it's my neck.

Your nose is fine. Come in sooner with that.

Babe, your nose is fine, you're being ridiculous.

Okay. So which one do you want?

I don't know. I think Sayed is really sexy.

I'm so glad you said that because, honestly... the prince is mine tonight.

If I get rid of this neck thing...

I'm gonna sit on that throne. Am I right?

The prince? Too much?

He's like four times your age.

And that's your judgement face.

Babe, I'm your friend, I don't judge you.

Yeah, exactly, okay, so the prince is mine tonight... and you can have Seaweed.


Am I saying that wrong?

Babe, his name is Sayed, it's not that hard to say.

Wait, did you see this?

No, no, no, no. Grim.

No, look, and the funniest thing about this is that... he's actually upstairs right now with his wife.

You know, the Asian one?

That's his wife? Yes.

And they're okay with this? Well, she didn't seem upset... and they actually seemed quite happy.

Although, Asians are the masters of hiding emotion.

So true. Mmm‐hmm.

Oh, she's so fit, so much fitter than any of these.

God, so much surgery in one photograph.

Do I need surgery here?

Babe, just slap it, you'll be fine.

D'you know what I think?

This is options though, for you, for tonight.

Come on, they're obviously not happily married.

If you don't wanna go for Seaweed, I'd go for him.

I think he's an actor.

I don't do 'married'.

He likes Asians anyway.

Babe, none of these women are Asian.

Well, not with those boobs, no.

Okay, you good?

Yeah. I'm just checking I have it. Yeah.

You good? Fine, let's go.


Oh, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, check me. Am I okay?

Okay and me? Definitely?

Yeah, you're fine. Are you sure? No Seaweed?

Not yet there isn't.

Can you just check the bogies for me?

Yeah. Okay, you're good. Me?

Am I clear? Clear skies, yeah.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Wait, is he an actor... or am I just completely getting that wrong?

Oh my god, yeah, babe, he's been in so many films.

I feel like it's TV. Yes. Oh my god, what's it called?

It's so famous, and it made him.

'Full House'.

D'you know what? I never saw that.

Woody, I wonder if I can interest you in, um... going out with us for a few drinks?

Uh, no, any other night but, you know, it's‐‐ It's actually 'date' night for me and the wifey‐poo.

You know, we're like newly‐weds.

I mean, she's so... Really?

Ravenous for me.


Yeah, I mean, she's like a jaguar on the hunt.

I can picture her now, tearing at your flesh.

Yeah. Whoa, whoa, a jaguar.


Were you just hoping I wouldn't see this?

I am so sorry, honey.

Three women? How, how does that even happen?

Well, I mean, they‐‐ they came up to me outside of this bar... and they... er, they asked me... if I wanted to take a walk on the wild side.

A walk on the wild side?

Honey, I'm so sorry. I was really, really drunk.

An apology followed by an excuse is bullshit.

I'm not excusing, I'm giving context, you know.

Well, you know, maybe I'll get really, really drunk tonight... and find myself three hot, young Englishmen.

Honey, the children might hear you.

Fuck the children!


Excuse me. No, excuse me.

Are you okay?


The, um... the, er, prince is, is leaving.


Woody... I do hope everything's okay.

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

Asian women, they are beautiful, but they are problem.

No, I think I might be the problem on this here.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't find the kids.

They're, they're fine, trust me.

Trust you?

Laura, I wonder... can I steal your husband away for one drink?

Oh, you wouldn't be stealing. Take him. Keep him.

No, no, I'm‐‐ I'm coming with you, honey.

No, you should go with the prince.

No, no, no, I'm coming with you.

I don't want you. Excuse us one second.

Take two.

Honey, you have every right to be angry.

I'm not angry. I am so disappointed.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I was just... I, I mean, I was terrified of losing you.

I don't know if just being with me... is ever gonna be enough for you.

Honey, I promise you, this will never happen again.


I don't wanna compel you to do something... that you don't want to do.

Why am I not enough for you?

Oh, honey, you are, you are, honey.

No, no, do not touch me.

Stop apologizing you. I... Okay, okay.

Maybe... maybe we need some time apart.

No. Yeah.

-No, no, honey. -I'm gonna get the kids... and I am gonna go. No, we don't. No, honey.

-Yes. Yes, we do. I am going. -Honey. Honey, no, no, no.

Woody! Get up. Please, honey.

-Honey, don't leave me. -Get up.

Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me, honey.

Just listen to me. I can't be near you right now.

I can't.

I need some time to think about this.

Okay, but I wanna come with you and we can think together.

It's not about what you want.

Is it? No.

Okay, okay, okay, look, I'll go have one drink... with the prince and then I'll meet you back at the hotel.

One drink? Well, that will be a first.

No, no, that's, that's a hundred per cent guaranz.

I'll just, let's see, it's 10:45 now.

I'll have one drink and I'll meet you, er, at midnight.

Okay? Midnight.

Just get there when you get there.

Midnight pumpkin, midnight pumpkin.

What? Oh, just a mnemonic device.

I just, I'm, I'm glad we're gonna talk.

Just call the kids.

Can you spot me a couple of LBs?

Why do you need money?

You're going out with the prince.


Oh, hey, kids.

Alright, I want you to look after your mom.


Can you do that?

And I'll see you later.

Thought you were coming home with us. Let's watch a movie.

Well, no, remember you guys gotta get some rest tonight... because you're gonna meet Harry Potter in the morning.

Come home with us, Daddy.

I can't. You won't!

I will, I'm just having one drink.

You always say that. I don't always say that.

Then why can't you have a drink with us?

With you lightweights?

I mean, they're not gonna let you in to a pub.

They give hot toddies to toddlers here.

We can drink orange juice.

Well‐‐ Come on, Daddy, come on.

Okay, okay...

Hey, honey, I... please, please let me come home.

You know what? Here.

Don't spend it all on one whore.

Hey. Honey, Deni? You have‐‐ Here, Daddy, take this magic feather.

Oh, is that a magic feather?

-It came from a magic owl. -Oh, really?


With this feather you can talk directly to God... and He'll grant you one wish.

Oh, can He make your mom love me again?

You can't make everyone happy, Daddy. You aren't a box of puppies.

Huh, yeah, okay.

Well, thanks for the feather, kid.

Don't stress or you'll lose your kid juice, Daddy.

That is good advice.

Very good advice.

I love you.

One wish, Daddy.

Woody, are you ready?

I love you, honey.

Okay. Come.

Let's go.

Hey, hippie, gypsy mobile, Scooby Doo‐style.

Er, I didn't think it was your best move... to pop into a limo full of scantily clad ladies right now.


Is everything okay, Mommy?


Tight squeeze or what.

I'm Sayed.

Oh, hey, Woody.

Omar. Hello.

Love Annie Hall. You‐‐ you all right?

Er, I'm a little glum.

Glum? Why are you glum?

Er, just me and the wifey have, we're just... we're in a little rut, you know.

You been with her a while?

Yeah, since '87.

She's the best thing that ever happened to me.

You know, I think being born... was the best thing to ever happen to you.

No, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted to have been born... if I hadn't met her.

I mean, she's made my life great.

This is‐‐ this is over the magazine?

Yeah. I wonder if anybody didn't see this?

No, everyone saw it.

Yeah, it's on every newsstand.

And even the people that don't buy it, you know... they see the picture, the headline.

It's a good picture, it's proper, sexy.

Oh, thanks. Not you, the birds.

Why do you buy that filth?

'Cause you're on the bloody front cover.

You're never on the front cover of anything.

You think I wouldn't drop 40 pence for you?

Let's go on, boys.

What are you doing?

It's a hippie gypsy party.

Did you really shag three birds at once?

Bruv, that is more fun than I ever had.

Well of course, you just got your own two paws... to maul at your man clam. Oh, shut up. Shut up.

He's got six helping hands. Alright, we'll see tonight then.

Yeah, that's it...

Hey, hey, shut up. Hey! Shut up!

Can't you see what the man is going through?


You have very expressive bodyguards.

Bodyguards? If a bullet were to come... they would shove me in front, you know.

They're his sons, you daft wanker.

Hey, hey, hey. Oh.

Woody, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Yeah, man, this has rocked me to my core, I gotta say.

You know, I used to be very religious and...

I don't know, I guess I got kind of side‐tracked.

But, you know, I, I feel like...

I need to get more spiritual, you know.

Like more meditation and yoga.

And all, all signs are pointing the same direction.


So listen to more Marvin Gaye, then.

Ah, I see what you did there.

You've gotta laugh to keep yourself from crying sometimes.

Smile though your heart is breaking.

Yeah, force a smile, pop a pill, eat a pizza.

Anything but feel it, right?

You need a drink? Big time.

Well, I got just the thing for you, baby girl.

I know exactly what you're going through.

Their mother gives me no end of torment.

Always moody.

I want to blow my brains over her shoe closet.

Yeah, all right, Pops, wouldn't that make her moodier?

She loves her shoes.

Fortunately, my other wives are more cheerful.

More, er, youthful. Yeah, d'you want one?

Sort you out nicely. Yeah?

We got a spare one, actually.

It's, er, Miss Skegness 1995.

Hold on, boobs or bum? Bruv. D'you like boobs or bum?


He's got one from Uzbekistan. Pakistan.

Kazak... all the 'Stans'.

Variety is the, the, the spice of life.

Equal opportunities.

Equal opportunity, yes. I like it.

Ooh, ooh, you have reached your destination.

Please mind the gap.

Okay, boys, behave yourselves.

Ok, boys behave yourself.

Okay? Always, Pops.

I hope I fall into a bowl of pussy soup tonight, boy.

Give me a second, eh.

Let me, er, go wave my magic wand.

So where is your wife?

Oh, she's, er, she's probably heading back to the hotel.


Oh, she'll be fine. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm gonna meet up with her later.

Yeah, that's later.

For now, you come with us and have a few drinks, okay?

Well I told her I'd have one drink.

One drink, that's all I'm having.

So we have a drink, dance, laugh.

Later, you go home, everything will be okay.

You think so?

I know so.

I like your confidence.

What did you do wrong, eh? Are you a man?

Well, yeah, I mean, yeah.

Every man deserves at least three wives.

Well, okay, I mean, I'll talk to the missus, but‐‐ Yeah, that's all good and all that but what are we gonna do... about this God awful line?

I wouldn't worry about that.

Oh, yeah, why is that?


TV‐Q, what's that?

Television quotient.

You know, it's just a read of how popular you are... in a given culture and luckily my, my, er, TV‐Q... is pretty strong in the Mother Country.

Yeah. Right. Green light. Let's go.

Oh, yeah. See?

And it's, Hollywood is almost like royalty without borders.

I, I hope that doesn't sound arrogant.

Don't sound humble.


Hey, by the way, I was wanting to ask you, what country‐‐ Prince Abu Ali Adullah Bin Saltan Al Rahmani.

That's very impressive, though.

Wait, just tell 'em I'm with you.

Use your TVQ. Hey.

Spare change?

Er, no. I don't have it. Dude, dude, er...

What? I'm with him.

With who? With‐‐ with him, the prince.

Which prince?

The one‐‐ the one who just went in. How many you got?


Yeah, the one who just went in, okay?

Well, you need to get back down that road there.

Yeah, get to the back, yeah? Dude, I just came with him... in that van, right there.

The prince, the prince came in that, in that van there?


What is the prince's name?

Er... Moham... Mustaf... Moosh... er, His, His Highness.


You're not getting in here.

Can I speak plainly?

Why are you whispering?

Er, I‐‐ I'm an actor.

I thought actors were handsome. I was.

What have I seen you in? Um, 'White Men Can't Jump'.

What, from the '70s? '90s.

Er, 'Indecent Proposal'?

Tear‐jerker? Yeah. You saw it?

No, but my grandmother loved it.

Oh, well, tell her 'hi' from me.

She's long dead.

Not unlike your career.

Anything else in this century?

Um, okay, I'm in a play on the West End.

You‐‐ you like drama? What, pay to be depressed?

Come on, mate, get to the back of the line.

Oh, just go to The Edge, alright? Go away from here.

Okay. Er...

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪ What is wrong with you?

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪ Oi, Sinatra.

♪ Isn't it nice to get away ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop making noise there.

Just go to the back of the line now, you daft twat. Rubbish.

That's what happens when they're off the telly, isn't it?

Yeah, no sense. Sad, knob jockey.

Hi. Hi.

Woody Allen? Yeah.

Hi, I'm Zrinka. Oh, hi, nice to meet you.

Hi, hi.

You don't look like you're having a good time.

Yeah, well my friends just went in without me.

Well, some friends are not very nice.

Do you have the time?

Um, I think it's almost 11:00.


I mean I don't even wanna go in. I just, I gotta kill an hour.

Whoa, kill an hour?

Can we kill time?


Why are you holding your breath, Woody?

Oh, yeah, I‐‐ God, I do that. I do that when I get stressed.

I just‐‐ Well, don't.

Yeah, right. Just‐‐ just breathe.

All doors will open.

Yeah. Good.

Woody! Woody, my friend.

Come, come, come, your prince is looking for you.

See? Really?

Yes, yes, come. Now fine boy, eh?

Okay, the prince wants me, okay.

Yes, yes, the prince that came in that crappy...

Look at the car you came inside now, eh? Ah, funky, funky.

Bye. All right, come on, come on.

No, no, just, just you. Just you, just you.

Oh, oh, okay, well, er, tell the prince that I just will... er, wait out here until my friend's admitted.

Well, you just met her now.

Yeah, but I find that friends are easily identifiable... as are enemies.

See, okay, see I'm not, I don't want to hassle anybody, eh?

Okay, okay, okay, come, come, eh, come inside, come inside.

-Yeah? Okay. -We're friends now?

Yes, now of course we are friends. This my number, eh.

Oh, okay. Any time you want to come...

Hmm. I'll put you on the list.

Just call me. V‐V‐I‐P, very, very important person.


Also, er, if you want to come to my mother's house... she makes the best authentic Nigerian lamb stew.

Sweet meat. Okay, well, I'm a vegetarian.

Why, man? Why?

Wait. My card is there so just, it's there.

Okay. I got it, so, thank you, no, no, I got your‐‐ I got‐‐ I'm gonna call you and then you'll have my digis.

Yes, Woody‐Woody. Thanks, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Five boy.

Oh, that's, that's great.

Okay. Butthole.

Whoa... is this your best self?

I'm not sure I own a best self.

Well you need to love yourself... before you can be your best self.

Well, that's exactly why I drink. Can I get you something?

No, no, no, I'll get you something.

Well, no, no, it's on me, I insist.

Okay. Thank you.

Do you wanna know what I want?

I know what you need.

Hey, TV‐Q, you made it! Oh, hey.

I'm just messing with you, you know that, mate.

Yeah, thanks for your help on that.

It's all good. Wassup!

You want a shot of Patrón?

Come on, let's get off our tits and dance like Tina Turner.

Okay. Right, look at me. Look at me.

I love you, baby girl, and you love me.


And never would I steer you wrong.

I love you all to the Maximus.

Oh, bring it in, come on, yes, that's it.

Got a lot of love.

Guys, shots all round, yeah?

Hey, Woody, are you okay?

Er, it's just the wifey and I are having a little issue.

Yeah, I read the news today. Oh, boy.

I guess these things just happen, though.

Here. Oh, thanks, babe.

You know, weirdly, a similar thing happened... to me and my boyfriend.

Oh, really? Well, what'd you do?

Well, I left him. Shot?


Thank you.

Right, here's to friends... through thick and thin, Peter out or Peter in.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, and here is to Woody, a real man.

A real man!

I don't like it!

Where you going? Go to the side, mate.


That's it, reel 'em in, reel 'em in.


Dude. Dude.

Dude, what are you doing here, man?

I just came in for a meeting, but dude...

Ah, just who I needed to see right now.

What happened? Oh, you see it?

Yeah, I don't understand how it came out.

Oh, I don't know. I mean these things do come out.

I know, but didn't you talk to Marty? Everybody talks to Marty.

Yeah, I did, I‐‐ I talked to Marty, of course.

Right? Yeah, and he wanted 30K.


I mean, that's highway robbery, dude.

Wait a second, Woody, you didn't pay?

No, I, I, I tried to negotiate.

No, you can't negotiate with Marty.

Well he, he's a lawyer, lawyers do negotiate.

No, no, you, you wanna know who tried to negotiate?

Peewee and Tiger... you wanna know who didn't?

Clooney, with Lady Gaga and the midgets, the little people.

I never heard about that. Because they didn't negotiate.

I mean, d'you ever hear about Daniel Day Lewis?

No. Exactly.

And you never will, because he paid.

Come on, how can you think you can get away without paying?

I mean, you know from McConaughey, if something... terrible's coming out. What?

You know from your buddy McConaughey... if something terrible's gonna come out‐‐ No, dude, wait, wait, I don't know about McConaughey. What?

You don't know about that? No, no, what happened?

I don't wanna be the one to tell you.

Oh, dude, just, just tell me.

They got a picture. Oh, no.

Yeah. What?

Fat. Fat?


Dude, he, he's got the best torso in the business.

El Gordo. Buddha.

That's why he paid, so you never saw it.

I'm amazed. Come on, let's get a drink.

Dude, why didn't I pay, man?

Can we get a drink here?

Does Laura know?

Er, yeah, yeah.

You know, we're gonna talk, er, tonight.

Oh... what are you gonna say?

I don't know. Yeah, what am I gonna say?

What? To people.

I mean, it's well known I'm your best friend.

This doesn't look good for me either.

And I guarantee my mom's gonna grill me about this.

I'm gonna be like "I don't know what Woody's problem is".

It's like, I mean obviously it's not about me right now, but...

What was Laura's reaction when you told her?

Um... How did‐‐ I‐‐ I... You let it blindside her?

Dude, you know what? I‐‐ I hate Murdoch, man, I hate tabloids.

He's a cancer. Hey, wait a second.

No, no, Woody, it's not Murdoch. Come on, it's you.

I think we gotta start with accepting some responsibility.

Yeah, I... I mean I was weak, I guess, you know, and...

Yeah, and a little bit of a coward.


Coward for not telling her.


Look, I don't wanna judge you for what you did.

Clearly it was wrong, but the thing is...

But that feels like a judgement, O.

No, no, no, that's a fact.

And right now we gotta face facts.

Fact: You cheated on Laura with a bunch of hookers.

They weren't hookers. Fact: You let it blindside her.

Well, yeah.

Fact: You gotta brace yourself for maybe a big element... of the public that's just gonna think you're a scumbag.

Obviously not me, I'm your friend.

I'm gonna support you, but‐‐ Thanks, buddy.

How do you support a scumbag? That's our challenge.

Owen Wilson. Yeah.

Hi, I knew it was you, dude. I love you.

I must have seen 'You, Me and Dupree and Zoolander'... like 50 times, like everything you do, you are the man.

I gotta admit, my ears do prick up with a little praise... but I got a man overboard right now.

So let me just shake your hand and ask you to step off.

Thank you, 'cause we're in crisis mode.

Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Okay, where were we? I'm a scumbag?

Yeah, and what are we gonna do about it?

Because we gotta do something... because I can't imagine you without Laura.

I can imag‐‐ and I'm not saying this to be mean...

I can imagine Laura without you... but you without Laura does not work.

Well, that's true, man, I mean...

Right? I mean it's like, it's just really sad.

Yeah, I mean it's like a, like a mangy dog... that no one wants to pat or...

'Cause it smells bad and you're just like...

"Get this dog out of here".

Yeah, it's like blind in one eye... wandering down the road at night. It's just...

And you know he's never gonna make it to daybreak...

'cause he's gonna get run over by a cab or something.

Dude, dude, I can't‐‐ I can't lose her, man.

And, hey... I cannot lose her.

Whoa, whoa, you're not, hey, we can figure this out.

Look at me. Really?

Yes, okay? Where there's a will there's a way, all right?

But we gotta change your energy... because I feel like I'm talking to a dead man.

It's like you got ghost eyes right now. Come on, hydrate.

Dude, I feel... Drink this.

Okay, okay, what is it? Just down it.

It's a Cosmopolitan, it's a man's drink, come on.

You gotta get like, loosen up a little bit.

Okay, come on, roll the shoulders. Let's start moving.

How do you‐‐ Get the blood flowing. Okay, yeah.

Okay, it feels better to start moving, right?

-You're right, yeah, -I haven't been exercising.

Okay, let's figure this out. Come on, throw some punches.

Okay. Change your energy a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, now I've known you and Laura for a long time, right?


Okay, now the one beautiful thing that I've always seen... between the two of you is... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

No fighting.

No, no, no, we're not fighting, we're...

We're actually saving a man's life right here.

Yeah, it's cool, it's cool. It's okay.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


So what, what is it I say to Laura?

It's not what you say, I think it's what you do, but... get your energy up, come on. Okay, okay, I'm like...

Come on, it's like a zombie. Right.

Loosen up, do your Elvis. You're good at your Elvis.

Okay. Give me a smile.

Let me see a little twinkle. Give me a smile.

Come on, a real one... both rows of teeth.

There you go, keep punching, keep punching.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready, man.

Okay, I'm gonna sprinkle you with some gold dust.

Oh, that's what I want. I'm gonna lay it on you.

Come on, buddy, what do I do?


Oh, dude, pray?

Dude, are you kidding me?

Jesus, I mean, that's just begging in disguise.

What, have you been tap dancing this whole time?

No, no, no‐‐ that, that's step one.

You didn't let me get to step two.

Obviously, prayer without action is meaningless. Okay?

Now's the action part. Okay.

Sometimes we gotta admit we need something, we gotta be able... to lean on something stronger than us, right?

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So maybe you're not the best person to carry this message... of contrition to Laura.

Okay, right, right. Okay, so...

You see where I'm going? Where are you from?

Er, Texas.

Where am I from? Texas.

And who's the Texas Dalai Lama.

Eli Cash? Come on, you know this.

Hi. Hi.

Yeah, hi.

This is Owen. No, no, she's talking...

-about my character... -She's, she's saying Eli.

From 'The Royal Tenenbaums'.

I love that scene.

Which scene? Well, every scene... but what is the book that your‐‐ your character writes about?

Is it Geronimo?

Hey, guys. No, no, Custer.

Old Custer, remember?

Of course, 'cause... everybody knows that Custer died at Little Big Horn.

What this book presupposes is "Maybe he didn't!".

I love that, honestly, it's... That's a good scene, yeah.

One of my favorite moments, in one of my favorite films ever.

Yeah, thank you.

But I also love 'Did You Just Call Me Coltrane?'.

Uh, no, but if I did, you...

O..., couldn't do anything about it.

You don't think so? O, Owen.

Oh, no, I don't. Oh, you wanna talk some jive?

Oh, I'll talk some jive like you've never...

Owen, Owen, can we get back to me for a second, dude?!

Sit down! I said sit down! Hey, whoa.

It's always me, me, me with this guy.

Early onset narcissism. Really?

No, dude, it's not that.

It's just that I don't have time to attend a Wes Anderson... film festival while my life is imploding.

Okay, but there's a polite way to say that.

Yeah, there's also a polite, less vain way to say... thank you when someone compliments your film... as opposed to acting every scene out for 'em... like Norma frickin' Desmond.

Okay, take the bass out of your voice when you're talking to me.

No, no, no, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you.

Listen, I know you're going through a divorce.

That's heartbreaking for you. No, it's all right, it's jus‐‐ You gotta forgive this guy...

Wes Anderson movies go right over his head.


Let's shake it off. No, no, dude, I get 'em fine.

The fact is, I just don't care.

Oh, now all of a sudden you don't like Wes. You're like a pit bull tonight.

No, dude, it's not that.

It's just that he's just, he's kind of, I don't know...

What? Precious.

Precious? Yeah.

No, he's not. Precious.

His films, they're just, they're kind of precious, really.

You know?

When you're talking about his films, you know, I'm involved... in some of those, so you're kind of insulting me also.

No, dude, it has nothing to do with you.

Yes, it does have something‐‐ It's just the way that he... shoots 'em is a little, you know...

Precious, I know, you keep saying that.

No, it's like he's trying too hard.

You know‐‐ it's self‐conscious, you know what I mean?

I really don't feel like sitting here and letting you insult... my best friend Wes... especially when I'm trying to help you and trying to‐‐ Your best friend? Yeah, Wes, my best friend.

I think it's kinda bad taste 'cause I'm...

Dude, what are you talking...

You, you've said for years and you just said a few seconds... ago that you're my best friend.

Yeah, I'm your best friend.

But just because you're the best man... at somebody's wedding, doesn't mean they're gonna be... the best man at your wedding, right?

Dude, dude, okay, I cannot‐‐ I can't even process this right now.

But even if I could, why would you say this to me now... when I'm at my lowest point and I most need uplift?

I'm sorry, but I am trying to give you uplift.

But we were talking about facing facts...

I mean we're not in kindergarten.

So what if Wes is my best friend?

Would you stop saying that, dude?!

Hey, you need to snap out of it and face reality... okay, 'cause in the real world...

I've known Wes a decade longer than you.

He's a great film‐maker and he's my best friend.

Now can we get back to‐‐ Oh, okay, real world, real world? You want real world, O?

Huh? That's where I try to live.

Okay, in the real world, your best friend, Wes... is a Woody Allen wannabe... and he hasn't made a good movie since 'Bottle Rocket'.

And, come to think of it, neither have you.

That's a dumb line, you know... that's a really, that's a dumb thing to say.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah... yeah.

Yeah. You know what? I've never, er... hey...

Yeah, and you know what? And here's the thing... is I got a movie star chin... and you got a weak, little, chia‐seed chin.

You ever noticed that?


You know, I've never told you this... but maybe now's a good time, they offered me 'Larry Flynt'.

What? The Ed Norton part?

Er, no, your part.

No, dude, you couldn't play that.

Oh, I couldn't? "Hey, look at me, I'm Larry Flynt."

"I'm in a wheelchair. You're out of order."

Hey, it's a lot more than just being in a wheelchair.

The fact is it's, it's, it's a love story.

Yeah, you know what I find helps to sell a love story... is having a little sex appeal... which you haven't had since the '80s.

I had it well into the '90s, dude.

Oh, yeah, you were just oozing sex appeal in 'Kingpin'.

You know Will Farrell stole 'Wedding Crashers'.

Yeah, and he stole 'Semi Pro'... but no‐one saw it probably because you were in it.

You got out acted by a dog... in 'Marley and Me'. No, I didn't.

Oh, Marley, Marley, Marley.

You're... you're a child. You're a punk.

You're a prick. You're a dick.

It's like I always say, you're the world's angriest hippy.

Hey, I'm not angry, asshole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that... he's got TV‐Q, mate.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Go on, bruv, go on. Get him, get him. Go on.

Hey, hold on. This bloke, he looks familiar.

I was just gonna say, don't he look like that guy...

Er, hang on. Jennifer Lopez in the jungle with the snake.

What's it called?


Yes! He's got the voice as well. I love this guy.

Yeah, me too, mate. Yeah, that's me.

Can we get a quick picture? Is that alright?

I'd like to look a little bit more presentable.

No, you look great. You look fine. Come on. Here we go.

Feeling alright? Let's do that. Alright, let's do this.

Alright? You ready?

Three... two, one.

Yes! Let's get him a drink. Come on.

What's your Facebook? Mojito, yeah?

With mint and cocktail sticks.

Cops are here!

Hey, hey, in a little trouble, wake up.

Look, Mommy, there's an airplane up in the sky.

Come on. Okay, er, you'll have to come with me, okay?

What, what‐‐ what happened?

You were fighting, the police are here.

Where, where, where's, where's Owen?

Just go, just go. Okay?

Where is he? Oh, no.

I, I have to, I have go back, I have to go...

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, cops are there.

Come on. Oh, no, man. Oh, no.

Oh god. What is it?

Are you okay? I just got into a fight with...

I, I, I just‐‐ why are you helping me?

Because you looked like you needed help.

I mean, do you always help people?

Ah, people, birds, dogs, yeah, that's me.

Okay, okay, okay, hurry up.

Go in there.

Oh my god, what is going on tonight?

It's just like I'm being tested or something.

What is going on?

Hey, don't cross your arms... you're blocking your heart chakra.

Oh... yeah.

Can I touch you?

Wh, where? What? Why? Ssh.

Sshhh, sshhh.

Here you have a problem.

And here even bigger problem.

I believe you.

I need you to close your eyes now.


Just trust me.

You can open your eyes now.

That was beautiful.

I know.

It says how all the gypsies want jewelery and horses.

But how she's a gypsy and she just needs love.

This is how you solve your problem.

You need to find what you love.

Anyone in there? Police!


Get up on the seat, come on.




Sorry, this one's occupied.

Why can't I see your feet?

Why are you looking?

What are you doing?

I am a Moroccan, we squat on top of the toilet.

Okay, er, have you got someone in there with you?

No, I can pee on my own.

Hey, bugger off, weirdo!

Excuse me, miss.

He's gone. Okay, let's go.

Hey, promise me you'll stop resisting.

Oh, I'm, I'm not resisting.

Hey, you are holding a lot of fear, my friend.

Yeah, that's true.

Are you afraid of me? A little.

Just breathe.

This is a weird place to breathe.

Hey, breathe. I can't.

Yes, you can. I can't.

Yes, you can. I can't.

I'm going to help you now.

Take my breath.

Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

You threw up on me. I am so, so, so sorry.

Oh my god, you threw up on me!

Oh, please forgive me, I'm so sorry.

Oh my god! Can I just...

It barely got you. Let me see. It's not that bad.

Don't, just don't. No. Let me... just‐‐ Oh god. Oh, please forgive me.

I don't know where that came from.

What, what are you two doing here?

I said... can you take that commotion outside.

He threw up inside my mouth. Blood of Jesus.

Oh god.

Get out, the police are looking for‐‐

Are you okay? Yeah.

Oh, please, please forgive me. I'm so sorry.

Oh God, I...

Hey, it, it, it's all vegan and organic if that helps.

Are you kidding me?!

I, I'm just...

Oh my God.

I don't know, I just got nauseous, I...

God, this is the worst night of my life.

Oh God. I wish we could‐‐ Where are the cops?

Thank you.


♪ Until the end of darkness ♪

♪ Let the subtle shades of light begin to play ♪ Excuse me, excuse me, hi. Sorry to bother you, er... have you got like a few quid for a sandwich?

No, no, I don't. Listen, I gotta go home.

Like three quid, two quid. I'm so sorry.

Anything at all.

No, no, I don't have anything, dude.

Actually, actually I don't even have money for a cab to get‐‐ Hey. Can you just give me...

Ah, great, I thought you. Go.

Oh. Holy Mary, Mother of God.

Oh, thank you so much.

You are such a nice person, you really are, thank you.

Hold, hold on...

Life has been hard for you enough.

No, no, no,. Hold it, hold it, that's, that's...

You're an angel sent from God, you really are.

No, no, no, no. I mean, I'm the angel, dude.

I gave that to her and I need it because I gotta get a cab.

Well, it doesn't, it doesn't look like you need it.

I mean, I mean, look, you're stood there like all smug... and stuff and like with all your flash gear on.

I'm like in a wheelchair, mate.

Dude, I, I just, I just need enough to get home.

Do you, do you have like five quid or something?

Yeah, well I need a sandwich.

I haven't eaten in like three days.

Well, what do you need a fifty‐pound sandwich?

I mean, do you have any more money?


Dude, please, can I...

I, I know you have something for me. I just need five...

Are you begging a beggar for money?

No, no, I'm just, I need to get home, okay?

You're getting too close. No, no, no, dude‐‐ I just need to get home. Don't come any closer, please.

Don't scare him! Look, just stand back, will you!


How many times do I have to bloody tell you!

Okay, calm down, man. I'm so sorry, miss.

It's absolutely nothing to do... No, it's okay, it's not you.

With you, it really hasn't. But you're a dick, mate.


I've told you once before, now bugger off!

Give me that! Get...

Give me that. No, no! No, stop! Stop!

Oh lovely, lovely, Woody. Lovely.

Stop it!

Get angry, that's it, lovely, mate. Lovely.

My camera! He's broken my camera! Lovely.

Stop it... Stop it!

Woody Allen, this is not your best self!

Sloane Hotel, please.

Everything alright there, mate?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

Do you know what time it is?

Er, 11:30. What's going on back there?

Er, nothing, nothing, it's all good.

Yeah, well it looks like a lot of something... to be nothing, eh, mate?

No, no, dude, dude...

Er, are you bleeding? What?

Are you bleeding? Are you bleeding, mate?

You're bleeding!

No, no, no, I'm not bleeding. I'm fine.

Yes, you are. You're like a bloody geyser, mate.

No, I'm fine, mate.

Ah, are you being real with me?

I'm not being anything with you, dude.

Just‐‐ I'm just... everything's fine.

Don't you get anything‐‐ don't you get anything on my seats.

Dude, d'you have any, do you have a Kleenex?

Don't you get anything on my damn seats!

Dude, I won't get any blood on your filthy seats.

If you give me a Kleenex, I'll get it...

Or, or you will be paying for the cleaning of this cab.

Dude, I'm not gonna have to pay for anything. Okay?

Oh, oh yes you will, mate. You'll be paying.

If there is the slightest drop of blood... anywhere in this cab, you will be paying.

Okay. Shouldn't you just be focused on your driving?

Oh, no, you will be charged a full valet. Right?

You will be steam‐cleaning the bleedin' engine... after this ride, my friend.

Okay, okay, mate. Okay, great.

Just, just focus on your driving, alright?

Just take that and stop the blood, mate.

Thanks, mate, that's all I ever asked you for.

Alright, just, just stop the damn blood, will ya?

Is this used?

Well, I got sinuses, ain't I?

I'm not pulling out brand new ones just for you.

Dude, that is disgusting.

Er, er, what's going on back there? What was that noise?

No, no, it's nothing, it's just the ashtray.

What, what d'you mean just the ashtray?

What you done? Nothing.

Oh, you've, you've broken it, ain't ya?

No, dude, it, it was like this.

Oi, what the hell are you doing messing with the ashtray?!

Dude, I don't know, what is this, like an antique cab... with, with like ornamental ashtrays or something?

Oh... I mean, what... what the... you know what?

Just stop the car. No, no.

Stop the car cos I'm getting out.

No, you're not getting out this cab.


Not until you pay for the ashtray.

Stop this damn car because I'm getting out now.


You're not getting out the cab!

Not till you pay for the ashtray!

Dude, this is kidnapping.

No, you stupid bastard, destroying my cab!

Dude, you better stop this friggin' cab right now.

No. No. No. Stop it! Stop it!

No. No. No. Stop this damn cab!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Everybody calm down!

Everybody calm down!

Dude, I will break this fucking thing...

No, don't you dare! I'm pulling over! Pulling over!

Get out! Out, out!

You silly bollocks!

You're the silly bollocks! Piss off!

Sloane Hotel, please.

So just, can you, can you hurry? Eh?

Just go a little faster. Uh?

Go right on, go right on. Please.

Go... shit.

Go through the lights, dude, just go through the lights.

What's the hurry?

Life is about the journey not the destination.

No, no, I assure you right now it is about the destination.

We're in the hands of the Goddess Kali.

She's a creator and destroyer.

It all depends on the mood she's in.

Well, I don't think she's in a very good mood tonight.

The stars can't shine without darkness.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I gotta tell you...

I don't have any money on me.


Can you speak a piece of verse for me?

Something uplifting.

I, I, I memorized this when I was seven.

I told the sun that I was glad, I'm sure I don't know why.

Somehow the pleasant way it had of shining in the sky... just put a notion in my head that wouldn't it be fun... if while walking on the hill, I said I'm happy to the sun.

That's beautiful. I feel I should be paying you.

No, no, no, we'll just call it even, you know, and that's fine.

I'll tell you what... Uh?

You, you, you just pull over right here, this is fine, sir.

Thank you so much. You're a gentleman.

Stop there! Stop there! Don't make me run.

Stop there now!

Go, go, go.

Suspect is on the playground.

Spread out. He's in here somewhere.

Come on down. Come on down, we know you're up there.


I can see you.

Don't. Don't!

Put your hands on your head. Put your hands on your head.

This is over an ashtray. Put your hands on your head now!

I can't. If I take my hands off my knees, I'm gonna fall down.

You have the right to remain silent.

Put your hands on your head! Oi, he's a menace.

You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defense...

He's an absolute menace! You're a menace!

He's a raving lunatic. Lock him up.

Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

You understand? Yeah.

Are you who I think you are? I hope not.

Were you in a fight with Owen Wilson earlier?


Do you know what the cops in the US would do to you... for running like that? Yeah, they would have shot ya.

And you'd be dead by now and the world would be a better place.

You see what I'm dealing with, man?

I think I do.

He kidnapped me. He wouldn't stop the car.

You were the one running, sir.

He's off his conkers, mate. Hang him. Hang him!

You seem kinda young to be doing this.

You're my first arrest.

Really? I'm flattered.

I'm not sure you mean it.

Listen, is, is it necessary to go to the station?

I mean, is there any way I could just pay a fine or something?

Are you offering me a bribe? No.

Then you're going to the station.

Oh, that's good, you got me. You Irish?

Through and through.

Oh, you know, I spent a month in Galway one time.

I drank a lorry load of Guinness.

I love Guinness.

Well, my wife says I love it too much.

Oh, ah, married, huh? Kids?

Son. Seven year old.

Oh, must have had him in high school.

I did actually, yeah.

What, you did the right thing, got married?

Yeah... did the right thing, yeah.

Isn't that life's great mission?

Were you at the birth?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Oh, man, the greatest feeling in the world. I had home births.

You? Er, hospital.

She had a difficult pregnancy.

Oh, the kid's okay?

Yeah, yeah. He's, er, er...

That'll be us nearly there now. Won't be long.

Oh, dude, I'm sorry to pry.

No, no, he's, er, he's just special. He's got special needs.

Well you must love him all the more.

I do. I do, he's incredible.

It must be tough sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah, it can be.

I mean I don't know why I worry... he's as happy as can be, you know.

It's just he's so pure, you know... and the world can be a little bit, er... um...

Oh, hey, um, I'm, I'm sorry, man.

No, it's alright, man.

I'm a fixer, I wanna fix everyone's problems. Stupid.

Well, you... my kids are six and nine.

We should, I mean we should get 'em together sometime.

Really? Yeah.

You, er, they could use a playmate.

What's your name? I'm Constable Hughes.

Yeah, so, er, you, you like Bono?

Just because I'm Irish, I'm supposed to like him?

No. I love him.

Oh, you got me again.

Well, I mean, what you put your energy into... tells me all I need to know about you.

Bono could do anything he wants... in a world full of suffering people.

He just tries to help on a massive scale.

I quite admire that in the man. I think he's a poet.

And, yeah, I'm damn proud he's Irish.

You wanna talk with him?

You what? Talk with Bono?

Talk with Bono now? Yeah, right now. Right now.

What like you could just call him?

Yeah. Yeah, just, er, grab my Blackberry.

It's right there in my pocket.

It's right there.

Yeah, just grab it and he's... he's... he's under 'B'.

Oh, 'B' like 'buzzing'?

Er, 'B' like after 'A'.

All right, here we go... it's a 3‐4‐3 number.

Yeah, yeah, Ireland.

All right, here we go, Bono on speaker phone.

ALI Hello?

Ali, how you doing? It's Wood.

Woody, great to hear from you.

You're not back in Dublin, are you?

No, no, no, I'm in London.

Well you certainly made a big impression on your last trip.

What d'you mean?

You told Bono smoking pot would fix his glaucoma.

Now the tour has been put off, the album's been put back... and he tells anyone who listens the Irish invented Reggae.

I hope you're happy. Hold on.

BONO Irie man... good vibrations... all across the nation. What's up with man?

Oh, hey, hey, buddy.

You know you gotta be a little bit cautious with that medicine.

It's very strong.

Um, but listen, I, I got a, a friend here, you know... er, who wants to say hi, a fellow Irishman.

Hello, this is Paddy Hughes speaking.

BONO Any friend of Woody be a friend of mine.

He's not me friend.

All brethren are friends, Paddy Hughes... for the kiss of the serpent is like sugar... in comparison to the heart of a friendless man.

Yeah, okay. Er, but he's broken the law, Bono.

BONO Are you his cell mate?

More like his jailer. Listen, sir, I really respect you.

I've always wanted to meet you. I think you're just brilliant.

BONO Jah, bless you, sir.

I mean I loved your first album and your second album.

Just absolutely the best.

But... BONO But?

No buts. Well, I've just...

BONO Yeah?

Well, I mean after 'October'... it feels like you just kinda sold out a bit.

BONO Sold out? No, dude.

Yeah, it's like you've kinda let yourself down.

No, er, Bono, Constable Hughes is a big fan of yours and, and‐‐ I mean I quite like Larry. I mean he's the business.

Tune me into your thinking there, Wood.

No, I, I just thought that it'd be good... for you guys to talk, you know.

I don't, I don't think Larry would let fame... get to his head as such, you know.

BONO Rasta can't deal with Babylon right now.


Hey, er, Bono, I think that you guys could be... very, very good friends, I really do. Bono?

Oh, no.

I think he's hung up.

Why did you tell him he sold out?

Well someone had to tell him.

Well, I mean, but what happened to all the good stuff... he does for mankind?

And, then like you know he's a poet.

Well, he needed to be told. He needed to be told.

Well, alright, it's good that you met.

Listen, dude, is there anyway you could give me a break here?

I mean, just let me loose. You ask for this favor... a little quick off the heels of making nice. Let's go, sir.

Okay, but... listen, my kids... they're going to Leavesden Studios in the morning... because they're going to the Ha‐Harry Potter set.

And it's the last day of filming and we have to be there by 7:30.

Yeah, let's get you in there.

Oh, okay but I mean...

Can I call my wife?

I, I gotta, I told her I'd be home by midnight and... er, what, what time can I be released?

Well, that depends. On what?

On whether you need to see the magistrate.

When's the magistrate?

Let's go.

You like Paul McCartney?

Let's go.

Stand behind the yellow line.

Did I tell you to uncuff him?


Uncuff him. Yeah.

So, you're the one.

Well, yeah, I'm the one who assaulted an ashtray.

You drunk?

I wish.

Empty your pockets.

Well you're, you're not gonna strip search me and make me... spread my cheeks and all that, are you?

Do you expect special treatment? No.

Then, no. You guys are funny.

Er... hey... there you go.

One Blackberry.

One room key, to the Sloane Hotel.

Dude, you don't have to let every criminal in here... know where I live.

Oh, they know where you live, with them.

Er... One pen.

One Chelsea lighter.

You, you don't like those overpaid poofters, do you?

No, I mean, someone just gave‐‐ who do you like?

Charlton Athletic.

Charlton? Oh, there's, there's a great group, gang, squad, um... they're, they're, they're just, er, they're strong.

And bottom of the league.


Well, nowhere to go but up. That's good news.

One comb. What's that for?

To comb with.

What do you comb? Lice out your pubes?

What, what, er...

Do you know what time it is? It's 11:45.

My tea‐time. Can I make a phone call?

No. Yeah.

When's the magistrate come? 9:00 AM.

Dude, 9:00 AM? That's way too late.

I'm going to Leavesden Studios. I have to be there 7:30 sharp.

My kids are gonna meet Harry Potter.

Ooh, lah‐ti‐dah. Life of a Hollywood star, eh.

You just seem predisposed to dislike me.

That was my brother. Your brother?

In the cab. In the cab?


Your brother‐in‐law was the guy...

So when he was calling someone on the phone, that was...


Parlez vous francais? No.

Listen, if I'd have met your brother‐in‐law under different..

Circumstances, we would have had a pint and a laugh, you know.

We just, just had some bad luck.

You certainly did.

And tonight, while you're lying in a cold cell... on a metal slab where hundreds of guys have sweated, belched... farted, pissed, puked, bled, wanked and defecated... and you can't sleep from the stench... picture me sitting with my brother‐in‐law in a warm pub... with a pint and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps... having a laugh, over you.

What's that? Ah... nothing.

Is that what I think it is? No, no, no, it's nothing.

It's just I‐‐ It's cannabis.

I don't even know what it is, dude.

We shall see. Give it to me now. I‐‐ I don't know where‐‐ Give it to me now. Give it to him now!

You bastard... you had a cannabis cigarette... and that's going in the records, search him.

Only this.

A feather. What's that for?

Hmm, tickle your balls, eh?

Tickle, tickle, dirty, dirty little Yankee doodle dandy, eh?

My daughter gave that to me for luck.

Well, it don't seem to be working, does it, eh?

Step this way.

Hey, take it easy.

Hey, Woody, how you doing, man?

Oh, never better.

Ah, I saw your play. Oh, great, thanks.

What a load of bullshit.

I thought I'd ask for my money back but, er, I snuck in.

You ever gonna make us laugh again?

Well I, I doubt it, dude.

I feel like I'm stuck in a drama bubble.

What they got you for?

Oh, molesting an ashtray.

Can you mind your own business, please.

They'll let you go if you pay them. It's all about the money.

Shut it, Eugene.


Is that true? Step aside and wait your turn.

Moron. Watch the birdie.

Right hand first, starting with the thumb... rolling from left to right.

Er, but, dude, can I get out if I post, post bail?

Yeah. No.

Well, if we decide you're not a flight risk.

Did someone ask you, Paddy? No, sir.

And are you doing the deciding? I am not, sir.

Then stay out of it.

But you know I'm not a flight risk, you know where I live.

The Sloane Hotel... bail is 1,000 pounds.

Dude, that ashtray was useless. It was like the cab's appendix.

Just pay it, man.

I don't have any cash, man.

Well, you can use a credit card, but they don't take Amex.

Shut up! Nazis.

I‐I don't have my wallet on me, because‐‐ Then I guess you'll have to wait for the magistrate.

Whoa, pity. You travel without a wallet?

You're so ghetto, aren't you? So Hollywood.

Dude, can I please call my wife?

I mean, we've been, we've been having some trouble... and, and I‐‐ I‐‐ I have to call her.

I told her I'd be there by midnight.

Can I please make a call?

After you make your statement, you can make one call.

Take him away. Thank you.

I mean, I think you're a closet people person.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, get a new agent, man.

Are you trying to make trouble for yourself?

No, no. I mean my wife is gonna liberate me.

Well that's up to him... if he decides you're not a flight risk.

He decides? Yeah, he's the boss.

Dude, who put him in charge?

I don't know, but he's the boss.

Guy's a maniac.

I mean that's ridiculous.

How long do you think before I can wrap all this up?

I don't really know, sir.

I'm new here, too. Let's go.

Take a seat.

Oh god.

Detective Sergeant Dante.

Yeah, I‐‐ I know, I met you.

Remember, you hate me?

You met my twin brother.

What, are you putting me on, dude?

You had quite an eventful night, I understand, Mr. Harrelson.

No, no, hold on.

What, did you just change clothes and it's like... an interrogation technique or something?

What drugs did you imbibe this evening?

I‐‐ I don't‐‐ I don't do drugs.


I, I, I'm straight edge... and I think it's a terrible example for children.

Hm, and yet you had cannabis on your person.

No, sir, I did not.

Will you submit to a blood test?


I‐‐ I‐‐ I don't, I don't... um, do, er, needles.

We use hair samples.

No, I can't afford to lose any more hair.

I'm an actor, you know.

Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with you phoney, Hollywood types.

You do drugs.

You participate in orgies, eh?

You take part in orgies?

Yeah, course you do.

And contribute to the moral decay in our society.

You don't get your way... you stamp your feet like a little baby.

Destroy your hotel room, or your cab.

You're thinking rock star. I just make movies.

Yeah, bad ones.

'Money Train', what a joke.

You will not be able to leave here... until you've submitted to a voluntary drug test.

Okay, okay.

First of all, that makes your blood test far from voluntary.

Secondly, I'm getting treated like I butt raped Tony Blair... at the Queen's afternoon tea.

And all I did was make your brother's ashtray...

In‐law. In‐law, in‐law.

Your brother‐in‐law's useless ashtray useful... and for that I'm getting abused by you and your twin brother.

What are you guys? Bad cop, worse cop?

I mean, you know, I'm an actor, okay.

Voice and physicalisation are my bread and butter... so I hate to rain on your charade... but there's no way that you guys are the same person.

You're different people, because you're the same person... and you're both abusing me for breaking a broken ashtray.

And I'm gonna call my Embassy, dude.

D'you, d'you think, d'you think you're a tough guy?

No, no, no.

Are you the natural born killer or am I the natural born killer?

Which one works for you?

Are you the natural born killer or am I the natural born killer?

You, you, you‐‐ Me?

I'm the natural born killer! Yes, yes!

Thank you. That means a lot.

Tell me, what's the most women you've slept with in one go?

Dude, I'm not answering that.

I hate you.

What's it like to be with three birds at once?

Dude, I love my wife.

Of course, but what man would turn down three birds?

I mean I wanna meet that guy.

I don't wanna meet Tony Blair, Stephen Hawking, Ted Danson... but the man who turns down three birds.

I wanna meet him, buy him a pint and ask him...

"What's wrong with you?"

Sign this.

What is it? Your statement.

Uh, responsible for all damages, injuries, physical, emotion...

Emotional? Dude, I'm not signing this.

I‐‐ I don't have a pen.

Just, okay.


Hmm... so easy.

Can I ask you a favor?

Now, tomorrow I'm taking my kids to Leavesden Studios... to meet Harry Potter, which you're welcome to come.

Hmm. Yeah?

But I‐‐ we gotta leave here by, I don't know, 6:45, 7:00... because we've gotta be there by 7:30 sharp.

So do you see any way, any way at all that that could happen?

Yeah. Yeah?

Sure. Really?


You just have to pick the lock to your jail cell, kill me... and sneak past all these other coppers and out the front door.

I mean other than a murderous jail break, is it possible?

No chance. I'm the natural born killer.

Come on, get up.

What time is it? It's 11:55.

Time for you to make your call.

Oh... okay.

How'd it go? Not good, man.

I‐‐ I‐‐ I don't think he's gonna let me go.

Just make your call and let me deal with him.


All right.


Well, I mean, I don't have this number memorized or anything.

Well, I just... do you know how to...

Are you sure you don't have it?

No, I don't have it memorized... can you just...

Let me see.

Eh... Sloane Hotel.

Sloane Hotel, please.

Here, it's ringing.

Yeah, er... oh, hello, hello.

Hi, er, this is‐‐ Can you connect me with Woodrow Wilson?


Thank you.

It's my pseudonym.

Yeah, hi, hi, uh, yeah... it's just ringing.

Hi, yeah. Hello?

It's ringing. It's quite late.

Just keeps ringing and ringing.

No answer? Hello? Hi.

Just ringing. Maybe she's asleep.

Oh my god, hello?

Are you on the phone? Yeah, yeah, hi.

Just one second, sir. Sorry, sorry.

It's just... yeah, can you, er, can you ring the room again?

Yeah, just ring it one more time.

It's ringing. It's quite late.

Ring, ring.

Just, I don't know why she isn't picking up, man.

Maybe she's sleeping. Unlucky.

Take him to his cell.

No... can you just, just one second.

Hello? Hang on. Yeah, hello.

Listen, will... ring it one more time, will you?

No, dude, I‐‐ I‐‐ I can't call back.

No, I‐‐ I can't, because this is my only call.

Because I'm in jail, so would you just please ring the room‐‐ Hello?


What the hell? Why are people hanging up on me today?


Sir, maybe if we...

Can, can I just call her cell? You had your call.

Just let me call her cell. You had your call.

Well that's not fair, man.

Sir, if we mention that we're, we're the police, then maybe...

Take him, Paddy.

No, please, please, just let me...

Let's go, sir. Come on. Take him.

Come on, let's go, now, now.

Can I ask a favor, man? There's nothing I can do.

This is my first day.

Dude, do you have a pen and paper?

There's only so much I can help with, I'm new here.

Please, do you have a pen and paper?

Here. Okay, look.

I want you to just call this number, right?

And my wife will come and, and, and save me, okay?

So just please do this... because my kids are gonna meet Harry Potter in the morning.

It's gonna be the biggest day of their lives.

And I beg you, please, please to do‐‐ You, you, you have any kids?


What? What?


I just told you about my son eleven minutes ago.

Were you listening, you fake? Feigning interest in my kid.

"Maybe our kids could play together."

Oh, no. You're a fraud.

Oh I am so sorry, dude, I'm so‐‐ Don't try and nuzzle up to me, you two‐faced creep.

I don't talk about me son to anyone.

That's cre‐‐ you're creepy. No.

No, no, I'm not creepy, man‐‐ You are, you're creepy.

You two‐faced, stoner, Hollywood creep, let's go.

But, but my, my kids are not creepy.

They're the most uncreepy kids in the world.

They deserve to meet Harry Potter.

Yeah, well, my kid deserves to meet Harry Potter, too.

Well, bring him and they can meet, and all of them... can meet Bumbledore and, and Harry Potter, and, and Her H...

Look, dude, dude, I‐‐ I‐‐ I'm sorry, okay?

Yeah, you look it, let's go.

No, I mean, I'm‐‐ I'm a lousy excuse for a human being.

Well, I couldn't have summed it up better myself.

I never graduated from adolescence.

I'm like perpetually, you know and I‐‐ I get high all the time.

And I get drunk all the time.

And I'm filling my senses... and my heart is withering in my chest.

And‐‐ and my wife is the most incredible person... on this earth and I‐‐ Dude, she's, she's gonna leave me.

And when she leaves me, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna break up with myself, man.

I‐‐ I‐‐ look I was, I was manipulating you earlier.

I was trying to curry favor... pretend that I cared about your son, hoping you'd help me.

But I don't blame you if you don't forgive me.

I mean, I've‐‐ I've actually grown unsympathetic to myself.

But I, I, I would love to take you and your son to meet...

Harry Potter tomorrow if, if‐‐ You can believe that, man, even if my family can't come.

You'd take me and my son with you to see Harry Potter?

Even if your family didn't come?

Yeah. Yeah, I...

You could be manipulating me now.

But I'm not asking you for anything.

Neither am I. Come on, let's go.

Yeah, but... Come on, go, let's go, get in.

Pad, Paddy?


Thanks, man. For what?

You're a good man. Goodnight.

I think that's yours. Oh, thank you.



Stupid, stupid, stupid... stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

God, it's been a while...

and I haven't been a very good Christian.

I know, I guess I got lost in the carnival and I just...

I don't know if you're up there, God... but if you are, this is it, man.

I mean, my wife and my, my best friend on the same day.

I mean, even Job had a week to adjust, I mean, God...

please, please, God, don't let me lose her.

Please give me another chance. Please, God. Please.

Please, please, God.


♪ The streets are dark and quiet in London ♪

♪ After midnight ♪

♪ Listen ♪

♪ But silence is the master of darkness ♪

♪ And London can sleep tonight protected by the master ♪

♪ London ♪

♪ London ♪

♪ You scream the largest portion of the day ♪

♪ London ♪

♪ London ♪

♪ Rest your lungs Tomorrow's on its way ♪

Willie, what's going on?

Everything at once, man, it's freaking me out.

They let you in here?

Yeah, I'm feeling it's a lot easier to get in one of these... places than it is to get out of 'em.

How are you doing? Terrible, man.

Yeah? Yeah.

My old lady used to say, "Don't worry about a thing...

"'cause there ain't nothing gonna be all right".

Oh, man, I just, I messed up real bad.

Well, you just did what other men have done.

I've done it myself.

Yeah, but you've had like 129 wives, Willie.

I just want one, I want Laura.

Well, what do you think women want?

Well, I don't know... love.

Love, honesty, respect, loyalty.

Oh, yeah, well I should have thought of those.

Those are the hard ones.

Yeah, well, this ain't about what you're going through.

This is about what Laura's going through.

That's what you gotta think about.

Grow a spine. If you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly.

Oh, well that, that is good advice, Willie.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Uh, did you miss me?

Huh. You're the best, Willie. I so appreciate you.

Hey, I'm gonna put in a good word for you...

'cause you know, I always liked you just a little bit.

Thank you, Willie, thank you so much.

You're as welcome as the flowers in spring.

And if you ever need a friend, buy a dog.

You're the Texas Dalai Lama, man.

Wake up, buttercup. Carpe Diem.


It's me, buddy.

Oh, did you see Willie?

Willie's on Maui, amigo.

Ah, man, well I dreamed he was here.

Am I dreaming you're here?

No, I'm here, I just paid your bail.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Don't thank me, thank Paddy.

Thank you so much, Paddy. No worries.

What time is it?

It's time to go meet Harry Potter.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Okay, so, er, you called Laura? Called Laura?

Then Laura called you? Yeah.

And, so, Laura saved me, huh?

Yeah. Laura saved me.

Sorry about that fight.

Oh, me, too, bro.

Oh, gosh, I gotta say, you are quite the scrapper.

Yeah, you did run into a little bit of a buzz saw tonight.


You're lucky‐‐ you're lucky they pulled me off you when they did.

Well, you know, I was just...

I was getting ready to crank it up.

Pretending to lose consciousness I was about to stage a comeback.

I could feel that, playing possum.

I could also feel that Vulcan death grip that you did... on my head that just left me feeling a little concussed.

Dude, tell me I didn't hurt your moneymaker.

I mean, now that's the main thing.

No, it's okay.

I mean, is that cheeky‐boy smile still there, right?

Please, let's never lose that.

Oh, my god.

Come and meet me son.

Let's go. Yeah, okay.

You know, you did actually a pretty good, um, 'Larry Flynt'.

Oh... come on.

Now your free.

Free at last! Free at last!

Where's Laura and the kids?

They're not here.

What do you mean? I thought they were gonna be here.

I don't know.

Hold it, but you talked to her on the phone, right?

She called me and asked me to call Paddy... and come bail you out.

But, well, so... you don't know where she is?

No idea.


Hold on, so where's, where's your son?

Well, we're going to collect him.

You still wanna go, yeah, see Harry Potter?

Yeah, I mean, we might as well.

Be good to, at least for us to see Harry Potter.

Well, you guys, I'm gonna have to take a rain check, I think.

You guys can drop me off on the way.

What do you mean? What are you doing?

I got that meeting I gotta go to.

What, at this hour of the morning?

Morning meeting.

Well, with who?

It's not important.

Dude, who‐‐ who are you meeting?



Your best friend?

Yeah, Wes, my best friend... and guess what?

I have three brothers, Andrew, Luke and Woody.

I feel like I just got demoted from second best friend... to third favorite brother...

Hits just keep on coming, man.

Come on.

You want me to tell Wes you said hello?

Yeah, yeah, you know, I actually do like him.

You guys get along.

I'm just jealous, because he never called me for anything.

Hey, what was that thing you were saying was the... talking about the beautiful thing that me and Laura had?

In the club? Yeah.

Oh, I was kind of just... scrambling a little bit, but I mean...

What's going on?

Can a police car pull over another police car?

It's a bit strange, all right.

Well that doesn't make any sense.

Find out who it is.

But it doesn't surprise me, man.

The way things are going, this, this night is, er... just never gonna stop.

License and registration?

Dante... what's going on, man?

You don't think I was gonna miss Harry Potter, do you?

Sign this. Oh, great, great.

Wow, just great.

And, er, we might have a few surprise guests.

Daddy! Kids!


Why didn't you come home last night?

Where were you?

Oh, well, okay, I'm gonna... er, I'm gonna explain it all to you, okay?

Um, you got any jokes for me?

Uh, yeah.

When you go into the bathroom, you're American.

When you come out of the bathroom, you're American.

What are you when you're in the bathroom?

Ah, I give up.

You're a peein'.

Okay, there was this zoo with no animals and just one dog.

It was a Shitzu. I don't get it.

Woody, this is Billy. Dumb joke.

Say hello, Billy... who's that? Billy!

Hello, Billy. Who's this?

What you got here? Harry Potter.

Harry Potter.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Put me down. I'm gonna give you a minute.

Let's go, kids... I'll give you a minute, come on, let's go!

Let's go and see Harry Potter!

I thought you left me.

I did leave you.

But the sins of the father... don't need to be visited on his children.

They really wanna meet Harry Potter.

So that's the reason you're here?


I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Yeah, so have I.

And, er, I know I cause you a lot of pain and humiliation.

You do not make it easy, Woody.

And I, I, I can't...

I tell you you're, you're the most amazing woman in the world.

And you're‐‐ you're the one for me.

Just not the only.

I can't imagine this, your, my world without you, I can't.


I think if I'm really gonna be selfless about this...

I don't wanna see you saddled with me... cuz I don't wanna see the person I love with the person I hate.

And I, I know that the best thing that I can do for you... and the only way I can truly love you... is to help you get rid of me.

So I want you to go, in that van, and leave me here.

At least then I'll know you'll be all right, honey.

No! No, no! No! No! No!

Woody?! Papa!

How's it going down there, jail bird?

It's been better.

Come on, Woods.

Get him up, kids. Let's get him in the van.

You know, Woodrow, you're not quite rid of us.

Does that mean you're not gonna leave me?

Not yet.

Let's just see how the day goes.

Hello, Billy.

Hey, guys. Say, "Hi, Woody".

Hi, Woody.

Harry Potter.

Harry Potter!


So I remember when Woody and his family visited... the Harry Potter set on, I believe it was the second film.

Um, so I was about 12 or 13.

And, er, whenever sort of famous people or actors came out... to the set, you know, it was very exciting.

So the crew, everyone was very excited, I was very excited.

Er, and, and I met him and he was, they were all lovely.

Um, and then later that day... sort of news started filtering through about some weirdness... altercation with a taxi the previous night.

And the genuine reaction around the set was...

"Did Woody Harrelson just come and use the Harry Potter set..."

"as a safe house for a day?"

"And was he just like coming here to hide out?".

Um, which it turns out wasn't the case, but if it had been... it would have been a pretty cool thing to do.

Um, so, yeah, er, that was, that was the first time I met Woody.

♪ Been bound up and wound up Could barely get a sound up ♪

♪ Been cheated mistreated ♪

♪ Don't even care to think of it ♪

♪ Been wasted basted Till I could hardly taste it ♪

♪ Knocked down kicked around Left to hug a cold ground ♪

♪ But I feel every story Every story you reveal ♪

♪ If love is my greatest glory ♪

♪ My greatest glory I cannot conceal ♪

♪ Been greedy and needy Sinister and seedy ♪

♪ Lost in illusion I cuddle my confusion ♪

♪ I crawl from my kingdom to wallow in your wisdom ♪

♪ Listless lecherous Oh my god I'm such a mess ♪

♪ But I feel every story ♪

♪ Every story you conceal ♪

♪ If love is my greatest glory ♪

♪ My greatest glory I'm ready to reveal ♪

♪ My love never let you down ♪

♪ My love never let you down ♪

♪ My love never let you down ♪

♪ I'll always be around ♪

♪ Always be around ♪

♪ Always be around ♪

♪ Always be around ♪

♪ Yeah all right ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all right ♪