Love Is All There Is (1996) Script

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]


WOMAN - NEW YORK ACCENT: ONCE UPON A TIME, ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO ON A TUESDAY, THIS THING HAPPENED IN A PEACEFUL, TUCKED-AWAY PART OF THE BRONX CALLED CITY ISLAND, A PLACE THAT'S MANY THINGS.

TO THE SAILOR, IT'S SAILING.

TO THE FISHERMAN, IT'S FISHING.

TO THE SOUL SEARCHER, IT'S SOUL SEARCHING.

THAT'S ME! MONA BARCAVELLA, PSYCHIC HERBALIST.

I'M DOING MY DANCE TO CONJURE UP A GOOD SUMMER TOURIST TRADE, BUT BECAUSE CITY ISLAND IS HOME TO ITALIAN AMERICANS, TO THEM, IT'S EATING.

[SATISFIED GROAN]

HERE FOOD IS KING, AND NO PLACE WAS MORE BELOVED THAN THE PRINCE ROSARIO HOUSE OF CAPPAMEZZA GOURMET CATERING AND ORIGINAL WEDDING DESIGNS, RULED BY SADIE AND MIKE CAPPAMEZZA...

MORE HOT PEPPER!

WHOSE SICILIAN COOKING WAS KNOWN FOR HOT COLORS, SPICY SAUCES, AND JUMBO PORTIONS.

THEN ONE DAY, THERE OPENED ACROSS THE BAY THE ROYAL HOUSE OF MALACICI OF FLORENCE, CONTINENTAL CATERERS AND WEDDING COUTURIERS, OWNED BY REAL BLUE BLOODS FROM ITALY, COUNT AND CONTESSA MALACICI, AND THEY BROUGHT CITY ISLANDERS THEIR NORTHERN ITALIAN CUISINE.

DAINTY, LOW-FAT PORTIONS, PASTEL COLORS, SUBTLE FLAVORS.

AH, QUESTO PERFETTO!

IT WAS INEVITABLE BETWEEN THE 2 FAMILIES THERE WOULD BE BAD BLOOD.

SHAKESPEARE ONCE SAID, "HEY! WHAT'S IN A NAME?"

BUT HE WAS WRONG BECAUSE CAPPAMEZZA MEANS "HALF A HEAD"

AND MALACICI MEANS "BAD BEANS."

THE STORY BEGINS FOURTH OF JULY WHEN OUR LOCAL CHURCH WAS ABOUT TO PUT ON ITS ANNUAL AMATEUR BENEFIT...

BOY: WHAT IF HER EYES WERE THERE, THEY IN HER HEAD?

THE BRIGHTNESS OF HER CHEEK WOULD SHAME THOSE STARS.

O, THAT I WERE A GLOVE UPON THAT HAND, THAT I MIGHT TOUCH THAT CHEEK.

MONA BARCAVELLA: WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR HEROINE, MY BEST CUSTOMER, SADIE CAPPAMEZZA...

AH, ME.

YOU GIVE ME SO MUCH MORE THAN ISABEL FASULI.

I MEAN, SHE WEIGHS 50 POUNDS MORE THAN ME.

HOW CAN I BELIEVE THAT'S JULIET?

WELL, YOU GOT TO MAKE BELIEVE YOU LOVE HER, TOO.

MONA: AND THE JOY OF HER LIFE, ROSARIO CAPPAMEZZA, THE PRINCE OF THE PRINCE ROSARIO HOUSE OF CAPPAMEZZA GOURMET CATERING AND ORIGINAL WEDDING DESIGNS.

SADIE CAPPAMEZZA: RUDY, GIVE ME A BREAK!

RUDY: I'M GIVING YOU 2/3 OFF, SADIE.

YEAH? WELL, IT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH.

OH, GIVE IT TO HER FOR COST.

SADIE: MARY, THE FOOD IS FOR THE CHURCH BENEFIT.

I WANT A BETTER PRICE THAN COST.

RUDY: BETTER THAN COST? WE SHOULD TAKE A LOSS?

COME ON, RUDY.

WHEN YOU GIVE TO GOD, YOU GET A HUGE TAX DEDUCTION.

ALL RIGHT, HALF COST.

NOW YOU'RE ONLY HALFWAY TO HEAVEN.

GO TO HELL.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GET IT FOR NOTHING.

HERE'S $10 FOR THE CHURCH.

ROSARIO: GOOD MORNING, DR. RONDINO.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. RONDINO.

GOOD MORNING.

I BREAK BOTH ARMS.

MY SON, THE DOTTORE, HE FIX THEM.

I NEVER SAW ANYONE SO ACCIDENTAL-PRONE LIKE MRS. RONDINO.

HER SON IS THE MOST ELIGIBLE DOCTOR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, BUT HER BROKEN BONES KEEPS HIM HOME.

EVEN MOTHER TERESA WOULD CALL A MOTHER LIKE THAT A BOSSY SCUCCAMEND.

YOU KNOW, MRS. RONDINO IS NOT AS DUMB AS SHE LOOKS.

MARRIED SONS, THEY TURN ON THEIR MOTHERS NOW BECAUSE DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS, NOTHING IS SACRED TO THEM ANYMORE.

JOHNNY, MY SON JOHNNY, HE MARRIED THIS MAMAREL LOUISE.

SWEET GIRL.

SWEET? I SAID TO HER ONE DAY, "WOULD YOU MIND CARRYING MY GROCERIES, PLEASE?"

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID TO ME?

"CARRY YOUR OWN FRIGGIN' BAGS, BITCH."

SADIE: OH, MY GOD.

AH, AND I LOOK OVER AT MY SON JOHNNY, AND HE'S LOOKING AT HER LIKE THIS.

MY ROSARIO, HE WOULD NEVER EVER TREAT ME LIKE THAT WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED.

[MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY ON RADIO]

SO YOU TAKING ANYBODY TO THE CHARITY BALL AFTER THE SHOW?

I'M HELPING POP WITH THE PASTA.

HOW ABOUT I CALL ANGELA MERCANDANTE FOR YOU?

MA, DON'T START WITH ME.

WHAT ABOUT I MENTION YOU TO CATHY AUGUSTINO'S MOTHER, AND SHE COULD--

WATCH OUT! MA!

IDIOT! YOU CUT ME OFF!

WE'RE GOING TO PUT YOU OUT OF BUSINESS, YOU SICILIAN SWAMP GUINEA!

HEY, I GOT THE RIGHT OF WAY!

AND YOU'RE GOING TO PUT YOUR SISTER'S ASS OUT OF BUSINESS, YOU FLORENTINE MOUNTAIN WOP!

ROSARIO!

I'M SORRY I CURSED, MA, BUT IF THESE MALACICIS THINK THEY'RE SO GOOD, HOW COME THEY DIDN'T STAY IN ITALY?

ROSARIO, FORGET ABOUT THE MALACICIS.

YOU JUST THINK ABOUT PLAYING ROMEO TONIGHT, THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE EVEN BETTER THIS YEAR THAN YOU WAS LAST YEAR AS PINOCCHIO.

HMM?

[SIGHS]

MONA!

HI!

[LAUGHS]

THIS MALACICI CRISIS IS MAKING ME CRAZY.

WE'RE IN DEBT UP TO HERE FROM EXPANDING, AND WE MAY LOSE THE FREDERICOS, THE BIGGEST WEDDING OF THE SEASON, TO THESE INTRUDERS!

I BROUGHT SFOGLIATELLE.

OOH! MY FAVORITE!

I DON'T KNOW IF MY BUSINESS CAN HANDLE THIS KIND OF COMPETITION, YOU KNOW?

MM-HMM.

I HAVEN'T LOST ONE POUND ON MY NEW DIET.

UH-HUH.

AND MY HUSBAND, HE HASN'T MADE LOVE TO ME IN WEEKS.

UH-HUH.

WELL, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, MONA?

IS THERE ANOTHER WOMAN?

BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS...

HE SEES YOUR BUSINESS PROSPERING.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS...

KEEP LOOKING AT THE SUNNY SIDE.

OH, GOOD. GOOD.

WHO'S THE BLESSED ROSCOE?

MY NEW GUIDE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ANGEL VITO?

HIS WORK WAS DONE ON CITY ISLAND.

HE MOVED ON TO ANOTHER PSYCHIC NAMED SHIRLEY BALLUCAS IN BAYONNE, NEW JERSEY.

BUT THE BLESSED ROSCOE IS A POWERFUL PRESENCE!

IN THE 17th CENTURY, WHEN HIS EYES WERE GOUGED AND HIS FINGERS CHOPPED OFF AND HE WAS BURNT AT THE STAKE, HE SMILED AND SAID, "DON'T FEEL GUILTY."

THAT'S WHY HE'S KNOWN AS THE MERRY MARTYR.

YOU TELL HIM I'M REALLY PLEASED TO MEET HIM.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE KNOWS YOUSE ARE.

HERE.

WEAR THIS ROSE OIL WHEN YOU'RE MEETING CUSTOMERS.

THE MONEY WILL COME FLOATING IN.

ABOUT YOUR DIET, MAYBE YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID, LIKE I AM, THAT EVERY MAN WANTS ME SEXUALLY.

ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND...

YEAH?

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS THERE'S NO OTHER WOMAN IN HIS LIFE.

AND WHO'S FIDELLA?

OH, THAT'S OUR CAT.

HE PLAYS WITH HER A LOT.

OH, THAT WILL TAPER OFF.

HERE.

BURN THESE IN YOUR BEDROOM, AND HE'LL WANT LUST FROM YOU.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS IT WILL BE HEARTFELT BUT QUICK.

LOOK, IT'S A START.

ABOUT ROSARIO...

MMM... [SNIFFS]

I'M SMELLING A LITTLE PROBLEM...

BUT A DEEP ONE.

OH, NO.

YES. I'M SMELLING HIM FALLING IN LOVE WITH A GIRL HE'S SAYING POETRY TO. UH-HUH. THAT'S HER.

[SNIFFS]

HE'S PLAYING ROMEO TONIGHT, BUT IT COULDN'T BE WITH THIS JULIET.

HERE. SMELL FOR YOURSELF.

[SNIFFS]

I'M SMELLING HIM LOVING SO PASSIONATELY, NOTHING STANDS IN HIS WAY.

THIS GIRL PLAYING JULIET--ISABEL FASULI--

SHE'S... SHE'S A SCUCCAMEND!

AND WE'RE CATERING HER WEDDING.

SHE'S MARRYING VINNY BALDILAMENTE.

BLESSED ROSCOE?

BLESSED ROSCOE AGREES.

I--I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LOSE HIM THIS SOON.

OH, BOY.

[CRUNCH]

OH, BOY.

MIKE: THE MEATS DON'T GO IN THE SAUCE YET!

WOMAN: THAT'S STUPID!

ANY DUMMY WILL TELL YOU THEY'RE READY FOR THE SAUCE!

I CATCH YOU MESSING WITH MY SAUCE AGAIN BEHIND MY BACK, I'M GOING TO KICK YOU OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

YOU'RE GOING TO KICK YOUR SAUCE OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

LOOK AT MY MEAT.

IS IT READY FOR THE SAUCE YET?

NO. YOU GOT TO GET OUT MORE FAT.

YOU'RE CRAZY! AS CRAZY AS HIM.

MA, PUT YOUR TOOTH BACK IN.

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT.

AND DON'T CALL US CRAZY NO MORE.

I ALWAYS CALL YOU CRAZY. IT NEVER BOTHERED YOU BEFORE.

IT ALWAYS BOTHERED ME.

IT BOTHERS YOU, TOO?

OF COURSE!

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME SOONER.

I'M TOO OLD TO CHANGE NOW.

MIKEY...

I GOT TO TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE.

CAN WE GO UP TO THE HOUSE?

SURE.

ROCCO, STAY WITH THE SAUCE.

SHE TRIES ANYTHING FUNNY, YOU THROW YOURSELF IN FRONT OF THE POT.

MIKE, WILL YOU PROMISE ME THAT IF I TELL YOU THIS PROBLEM, YOU AIN'T GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME?

I PROMISE.

YOU KNOW THAT I'M PSYCHIC.

YEAH?

AND SO IS MY FRIEND MONA.

MONA THE NUT?

MONA IS NOT A NUT.

SHE'S A CLAIRVOYANT FOR A LIVING, AND THE BLESSED ROSCOE TOLD MONA...

THAT ROSARIO IS GOING TO FALL IN LOVE AND GIVE UP EVERYTHING FOR HIS JULIET.

EVERY WEEK, MONA'S GOT A DIFFERENT SAINT OR ANGEL THAT NOBODY EVER HEARD OF WHO SPEAKS ONLY TO HER.

HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS STUFF?

BECAUSE MONA HELPS ME FIND THE INVISIBLE FORCES HERE.

IT HELPS ME DISCOVER WHAT I'M DOING HERE ON EARTH.

I DISCUSSED IT IN MY PRAYERS WITH THE HOLY MOTHER, AND SHE SAID IT WAS OK WITH HER.

YOU WANT ME TO ASK HER AGAIN?

I'M GOING TO ASK HER AGAIN.

DEAR HOLY MOTHER-- NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, DON'T BOTHER THE HOLY MOTHER WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

LOOK, UH... I'M A LITTLE TIRED.

I WANT TO TAKE A NAP.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A NAP WITH ME?

NAP?

YEAH.

YEAH.

OK. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[ORCHESTRA ACCOMPANYING OPERATIC SINGING]

[HUMMING]


[BLOWS]

I GOT FIDELLA IN THE MIDDLE SO YOU CAN HOLD HER, TOO.

[MEOW]

[SIGHS]

ROSARIO: AS IS A WINGED MESSENGER OF HEAVEN INTO THE WHITE-UPTURNED WANDERING EYES, THE LAZY-PACING CLOUDS AND SAILS UPON THE BOSOM OF THE AIR...

[MOUTHING WORDS]

OF MORTALS THAT FALL BACK TO GAZE ON HIM WHEN HE BESTRIDES THE LAZY, PUFFING CLOUDS.

ISABEL: O ROMEO!

ROMEO!

WHEREFORTH ART THOU ROMEO?

[STOMPS FOOT] DENY THY FATHER!

AND REFUSE THY NA-A-A...

[GIRL YELLING]

[OPERATIC SINGING AND ORCHESTRA RESUMES]

OHH! OH!

I HOPE I DIDN'T DO THAT WITH MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, ISABEL?

ISABEL: I CAN'T MOVE MY LEG!

[ISABEL CRYING]

ROSARIO, GO GET DR. RONDINO.

TELL HIM TO COME RIGHT OVER.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, MISS DeLUCA?

BOY: I SEEN THE WHOLE EPISODE, MONSIGNOR.

SHE OVERACTED WITH THE FOOT AND TUMBLED DOWN LIKE A WOUNDED RHINO.

FORSOOTH.

DON'T CALL ME NO RHINO, ZITS BREATH.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED TOMORROW?

I HATE THIS STUPID PLAY!

I TOLD YOU THE BALCONY WAS MADE OF PLYWOOD.

WHY DID YOU STAMP YOUR FOOT?

I SHOULD HAVE HARNESSED HER TO THE WALL, DR. RONDINO.

OH, NO, NO. IT WOULDN'T HAVE HELPED, MISS DeLUCA.

IT'S NOT BROKEN.

NO. YOU JUST STAY OFF IT FOR 24 HOURS, AND YOU'LL BE MARCHING DOWN THE AISLE.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, HELP HER OUT TO MY CAR.

WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU HOME AND GET THAT LEG ICED.

[BOYS GRUNTING]

WHAT A BUFFALO!

SHUT UP, YOU SHITHEAD!

MISS DELUCA: 24 HOURS!

I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO HAVE THE UNDERSTUDY PLAY JULIET.

UNDERSTUDY?

OH, NICCO--WHERE IS NICCOLINA SOUSTO?

NICCOLINA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE PART.

I'LL WHISPER THE WORDS TO YOU OFF THE STAGE.

PLEASE, FATHER, DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.

NICCOLINA, YOU ONLY HAVE TO DO YOUR BEST.

AAH!

[URINATING]

OK, NICCOLINA, WE'LL TRY TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE TO PLAY THE PART.

I KNOW THE PART, MISS DeLUCA. I ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY IT.

NO, NO, NO, FRANCIS!

YOU'RE TOO GOOD AS THE NURSE, AND IT WOULD BE TOO HARD TO REPLACE YOU.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MONSIGNOR?

WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO, SADIE?

WE'RE SOLD OUT.

WE'LL HAVE TO GIVE REFUNDS.

WHY DON'T WE CALL ALL THE DRAMATIC SCHOOLS, AND WE'LL FIND SOME REALLY NICE GIRL WHO CAN READ THE PART FROM THE SCRIPT?

THIS IS A VERY GOOD IDEA, SADIE.

BUT LET'S MAKE SURE THAT ALL THE GIRLS SEND OVER THEIR MOST RECENT PHOTOGRAPHS WITH THEIR HOBBIES, THEIR FUTURE AMBITIONS, AND THEIR RELIGIOUS ATTITUDES.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE HERE?

THIS MAY BE THE GIRL WE HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES WITH.

YOU CAN STOP CALLING.

THIS COUPLE JUST CAME IN AND MADE A DONATION, AND THEN THEY TOLD ME THEIR DAUGHTER PLAYED THAT PART.

SHE'LL PLAY JULIET TO YOUR SON'S ROMEO.

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

IS POSSIBLE.

MONSIGNOR: MR. AND MRS. CAPPAMEZZA, MEET COUNT AND CONTESSA MALACICI.

PLEASURE.

CIAO.

CIAO.

MONSIGNORE.

MONSIGNORE.

LOOK, SADIE, IT'S... IT'S JUST FOR ONE NIGHT, SO LET'S NOT MAKE A BIG THING OUT OF IT, OK?

OK, SADIE? SADIE?

MIKE: FEEL BETTER?

A LITTLE.

THERE MUST BE A WAY I CAN TURN AROUND WHAT MONA SAID IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

LOOK...

YOU THINK I WANT ROSARIO TO EJACULATE HIMSELF OUT OF THIS FAMILY PREMATURELY?

BUT, SADIE, DID ANYTHING MONA EVER TELL YOU WOULD HAPPEN HAPPEN?

PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING.

HOW COME SHE TOLD YOU THAT WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH, AND WE'RE IN DEBT...

THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS GOING TO MOVE OUT, AND SHE JUST ASKED US FOR A NEW MATTRESS...

THAT YOUR FRIEND SALLY WAS GOING TO HAVE THE BEST YEAR OF HER LIFE, AND SHE DIED? HOW COME?

OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.

ONCE WE RAISE ENOUGH MONEY TO FRANCHISE OUR SAUCES AND OUR WEDDING CREATIONS, WE ARE GOING TO BE RICH.

AND MY MOTHER STILL MAY MOVE OUT, AND SHE'LL TAKE HER NEW MATTRESS WITH HER.

MY GIRLFRIEND SALLY, SHE COULD BE HAVING HER BEST YEAR EVER RIGHT NOW IN HEAVEN.

MA! POP! I JUST HEARD ABOUT THE MALACICI GIRL.

POP, COULD YOU IMAGINE THEM ASKING ME TO PLAY ROMEO OPPOSITE THE DAUGHTER OF THAT FLORENTINE?

EVERY BONE IN MY BODY TELLS ME I SHOULD QUIT RIGHT NOW AND FORGET ABOUT IT.

OH, HONEY, IF YOU FEEL LIKE THAT--

BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

MISS DeLUCA WANTS ME TO GO INTRODUCE MYSELF BEFORE REHEARSAL.

I'M GOING TO GO WITH YOU!

WHAT FOR?

IT WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO SEE THEIR OPERATION.

BUT I GOT TO GO HOME FIRST AND CHANGE INTO SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE APROPOS.

MAN: MMM! MOZZARELLA.

SECOND MAN: DELIZIOSO.

ROSARIO: GOD ALMIGHTY! GET A LOAD OF THIS PLACE!

I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE WOULDN'T KNOW A HOT SAUSAGE IF THEY FELL OVER ONE.

ROSARIO: MAKES ME SICK TO GO IN THERE.

MAYBE--OW!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MA?

OH, DO I HAVE A BUMP?

HERE. LET ME SEE.

NAH. IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA.

HA! THIS ROMEO IS A MAMA'S BOY.

WHAT MASCULINE BOY KISSES A MOTHER ON THE EYE AFTER 3 YEARS OLD?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

HI. I'M ROSARIO CAPPAMEZZA.

COUNT: SI.

THIS IS MY--

YES. WE HAVE MET AT THE CHURCH.

UH...UM, I THOUGHT I WOULD CHAPERONE THE CHILDREN TO REHEARSAL BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE SOCIALLY AU COURANT, AND, UH, BECAUSE I'M THE MOTHER.

UH, AHEM.

PLEASE COME IN.

[WHISPERING] Oh...beautiful.

UH, GINA JUST RETURNED FROM HER BOARDING SCHOOL, AND SHE'S TAKING HER BEAUTY BATH.

PLEASE TO SIT DOWN, EH?

[SADIE POPPING HER GUM SOFTLY]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[SIGHS]

[POPPING GUM SOFTLY]


AHEM.

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

UH, MAY WE OFFER YOU SOME REFRESHMENT?

WE HAVE PROFITEROLE, TIRAMISU, BANANA TORTE, 8 KINDS OF GELATI, AND 6 KINDS OF SORBETTO.

ALL FRESH...

HOMEMADE, HOME-GROWN, AND HAND-DECORATED.

NO, THANK YOU.

WE MAKE ALL THE SAME DESSERTS, PLUS ZUPPA INGLESE, ZABAIONE, COPPA DI MARRONE.

DON'T TELL ME YOU MAKE YOUR OWN CHOCOLATE.

MILK, BITTERSWEET, NOUGAT, AND WHITE WITH NUTS.

FROM A RECIPE THAT IS 400 YEARS OLD?

FROM A RECIPE THAT FRANK SINATRA HIMSELF SAID WAS THE BEST HE EVER TASTED ON CITY ISLAND.

THE PRESIDENT OF ITALY ONCE ATE 2 PORTIONS OF OUR RISOTTO CON FUNGHI.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

DURING THE POPE'S VISIT IN 1982, THE HOLY FATHER HAD 3 PORTIONS OF OUR CLAMS POSILLIPO, TO GO.

IN 4 CENTURIES OF OPERATION, OUR RESTAURANT IN FIRENZE WAS VISITED BY 2 NUNS WHO LATER WERE CANONIZED--

SANTA TERESA DeMONTANIA AND SANTA RUDOLPHA LEGATTI, FOR WHOM OUR BRONZINO IN BRODETTO DI RUDOLPHA WAS NAMED. EH.

OUR DISHWASHER SPEAKS CHINESE.

OH.

OH.

CHORUS: ♪ AHH AHH AHH AHH MAN: ♪ I COULDN'T BREATHE

♪ I COULDN'T RUN AWAY

♪ OR MOVE OR SPEAK

♪ PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK

♪ WITH LOVE

♪ I SAW YOUR FACE

♪ THE FACE OF LOVE

♪ AN ANGEL

♪ YOU I LOVE

♪ AND LOVE, IT'S REAL

♪ IT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS ♪ AH, CARINA.

THIS IS OUR DAUGHTER REGINA.

[HIGH-PITCHED] UH, HI.

AHEM. UH, THIS--

THIS IS MY MOTHER SADIE CAPPAMEZZA, AND I'M R-R-R...

OH, ROSARIO CAPPAMEZZA.

HOW DO YOU DO?

GINA HAS CONSENTED TO PLAY THE PART OF JULIET, EVEN THOUGH SHE MUST LEAVE TOMORROW.

OH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

PARIS.

CONTESSA: FOR THE SUMMER, TO STUDY WITH THE BALLET RUSSE.

PARIS, FRANCE?

OH, THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO DO THERE THAN THERE IS HERE.

YOU CAN CLIMB THE EIFFEL TOWER, AND YOU CAN GO TO THE CANCAN.

WELL, UH, WE SHOULD GO. WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOUSE.

[COUNT SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

STUPIDO!

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

DON'T YOU YELL AT MY SON!

HE--HE BUMPS HIMSELF A LOT WHEN HE'S HAPPY, AND HE'S VERY HAPPY THAT HE HAS A...

A THIN JULIET.

[SIGHS]

YOU HAVE A VERY NICE BATHROOM.

SO, UH, CAN I DROP YOU ANYWHERE, MA?

DROP ME?

WELL, YEAH.

WHEN MISS DeLUCA FIRST WORKS WITH AN ACTOR, SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO HAVE ANY EYEWITNESSES--

I MEAN, UH, AMATEUR NONACTORS.

SO, MA, CAN I DROP YOU OR WHAT?

NO, NO, NO. IT'S NOT FAR. I'LL WALK.

OK.

YOU DRESS FUNNY.

I LIKE IT.

AAH!

OH, I'M SMELLING HER.

I'M SMELLING HER.

SADIE: IS THIS NEW JULIET THE ONE THAT MY ROSARIO IS GOING TO GIVE UP HIS LIFE FOR?

BIG BOSOM...

STRONG THIGHS...

SMALL CULO?

YEAH.

THAT'S HER.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE CORROBORATES.

WELL, AT LEAST SHE'S LEAVING TOMORROW.

SO...MAYBE NO DAMAGE CAN BE DONE BETWEEN NOW AND THEN. AM I RIGHT?

WHAT DOES THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAY I SHOULD DO?

NOTHING.

LOVE...

IS ALL THERE IS.

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS?

HOW DID THE CANDLES WORK?

MY HUSBAND TOLD ME TO HOLD THE CAT, TOO.

OH! I MADE A MISTAKE.

THOSE CANDLES ARE FOR YOUNG HONEYMOONERS IN TROUBLE.

YOU NEED SOMETHING FOR OLDER EROTICISM THAT'S CAPSIZING.

HERE.

WHEN THESE BURN DOWN TO THE GENITAL AREA, HE'LL BE SURE TO GRAB YOU, NOT THE CAT.

OH, THANKS.

OK. THAT'S, UM... $9 FOR THE CANDLES, $30 FOR THE READING--

LOOK, ABOUT ROSARIO, I--I JUST CAN'T DO NOTHING?

HE'S TOO YOUNG TO RUIN HIS LIFE.

HOLD THE PHONE.

[DOVES COOING]

TAKE THESE 2 BIRDS.

THE ONE WITH THE YELLOW RING IS THE MALE.

HE REPRESENTS YOUR SON.

KEEP SPRINKLING OREGANO ON HIS TAIL--

THE DESIRE FOR HIGHER EDUCATION.

THE OTHER ONE IS THE FEMALE.

SQUINT YOUR EYES.

YOU SEE HER AURA?

RIGHT NOW IT'S WHITE BECAUSE THE BLESSED ROSCOE IS PRESENT.

THIS IS AN AURA DUSTER.

KEEP DUSTING HER AURA TO KEEP HER LOVE FOR ROSARIO PURE.

DON'T LET IT TURN ORANGE, OR YOU'RE IN THE DANGER, LOWER-CROTCH AREA.

AND HERE. KEEP RECITING THIS CHANT TO THE 2 BIRDS.

"HE IS LOVE DEEP.

"HE IS SACRIFICE ALL.

"HE IS EDUCATION'S FIRST.

HE IS IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL."

OK.

THAT'S, UM, $3.00 FOR THE OREGANO, $24.50 FOR THE AURA DUSTER, $42.50 FOR THE BIRDS, A BUCK AND A HALF FOR THE CHANT.

HE IS LOVE DEEP.

HE IS SACRIFICE ALL.

BUT HIS EDUCATION'S FIRST.

ALL RIGHT, AS SOON AS SHE'S IN THE COSTUME, WE'RE GOING TO START THE REHEARSAL.

YES, MISS DeLUCA. WE KNOW.

I HEAR...

THAT THE NEW JULIET'S DRESS HAD TO BE OPENED UP THIS MUCH ON TOP.

THAT'S HOW BIG HER TITTIES ARE.

I WISH I HAD THAT PROBLEM.

EVERY NIGHT, I PRAY THAT MINE WILL GROW BIGGER.

MY MOTHER SAYS IT AIN'T THE SIZE THAT COUNTS.

IT'S THE QUALITY.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER GOT SMALL TITTIES.

I HOPE SHE'S BUILT BETTER THAN ISABEL.

I MEAN, WITH HER BELLY, THE AUDIENCE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE SEEN ME.

YEAH, WELL, I HEAR SHE'S FROM ITALY, SO SHE DON'T TALK ENGLISH TOO GOOD LIKE US.

WHERE DO YOU THINK ROMEO AND JULIET LIVED?

IN ENGLAND.

AIN'T THAT WHERE SHAKESPEARE LIVES?

SHAKESPEARE'S DEAD, YOU DOPE.

HOW DO I KNOW? I DON'T WATCH PMS.

I GOT HAM AND PROVOLONE.

I GOT ANCHOVIES.

I GOT EGGS.

BOY: HEY, RONNY, YOUR PIZZA'S HERE!

SECOND BOY: HEY! WHERE'S THE PEPPERONI?

MARRONE!

[ALL GASP]

SNACK TIME IS OVER!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON. LET'S GET TO WORK.

ALL RIGHT.

GINA, YOU HAVE JUST MET ROSARIO, SO I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THE KISSES WILL BE DONE DISCREETLY, HUH?

ALL RIGHT. WITH YOUR BODIES APART, YOU'RE GOING TO JUST LET YOUR LIPS JUST BRUSH LIGHTLY, LIGHTLY, LIKE A BUTTERFLY'S WINGS ON A ROSE PETAL, 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO LEAVE THE PASSION TO THE AUDIENCE'S IMAGINATION.

ALL RIGHT? GO AHEAD.

WAIT! KEEP THIS MUCH SPACE BETWEEN YOUR TORSOS.

NOW. OK, LET YOUR LIPS JUST TOUCH FOR ONE BRIEF INSTANT.

PERFECT!

OK, EVERYBODY, COME ON!

PLACES FOR THE TOP OF THE SHOW!

MAN: MY GRANDDAUGHTER RITA'S PLAYING THE PART OF TYBAULT.

SADIE: MIKEY, IF YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THE WAY HE DROOLED WHEN HE LOOKED AT HER.

BOYS HIS AGE ARE SUPPOSED TO DROOL.

BUT, MIKE, MONA SAYS HE'S GOING TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING--

SHE REALLY SEES YOU COMING.

NOW WE GOT 2 FRIGGIN' BIRDS WHO CAN'T STOP CRAPPING STINKING UP OUR HOUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?

NOTHING.

I SAW YOUR LIPS MOVING.

DON'T TELL ME NOTHING.

WHERE'S YOUR TOOTH?

OH! I FORGOT.

THERE THEY ARE.

LOOK AT THEM WITH THEIR FLORENTINE NOSES IN THE AIR.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE SMELLING SOMETHING.

THEY'RE LOOKING THIS WAY.

I AM SURE THAT REGINA HAVING TO ACT WITH THE SON OF THESE SICILIANS MAKE HER AS SICK AS I AM.

COUNT: WE HAVE NO CHOICE BECAUSE WE HAVE TO WIN OVER THEIR LOW-CLASS CLIENTELE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD MORROW.

IS THE DAY SO YOUNG?

BUT NEW STRUCK 9:00.

AY ME, SAD HOURS LONG.

WAS THAT MY FATHER THAT WENT HENCE SO FAST?

IT WAS.

HE IS SO HANDSOME...

JUST LIKE ERROL FLYNN IN THE OLD MOVIES.

YEAH. HE FENCES GOOD. YOU'D NEVER KNOW HE WAS CLUMSY.

OH, SHIT!

ROSARIO: 'TIS NOT TO ME SHE SPEAKS.

WHY DO THEY MAKE HIM WEAR THE BLUE PANTYHOSE?

IT MAKES HIS DINGLE LOOK TOO BIG.

SHH, MA.

GOD FORBID! WHERE IS THIS GIRL?

JULIET!

JULIET!

HOW NOW, WHO CALLS?

YOUR MOTHER.

MADAM, I AM HERE.

WHAT IS YOUR WILL?

HOW ELOQUENT SHE IS.

YES, BUT IS A MISMATCH BECAUSE SHE MAKE THE SICILIAN MAMA'S BOY LOOK LIKE A BUFFOON FROM THE CIRCUS.

HA HA HA!

OOH.

[SNORING]

[SNORTS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

OHH...

SAINTS DO NOT MOVE, THOUGH GRANT FOR MY PRAYERS' SAKE.

THEN MOVE NOT, WHILE MY PRAYER'S EFFECT I TAKE.

SADIE: OH, BOY.

THY DRUGS ARE QUICK.

THUS WITH A KISS I DIE.

MMM...

MMM...

OHH...

GIRL: THEY'RE DOING IT FOR REAL.

GIRL: YES!

MISS DELUCA, WHISPERING: Rosario!

Rosario!

No more.

Stop!

[GASPS]

WOMAN, WHISPERING: MY GOD. I NEVER SAW THIS BEFORE.

MMM...

HOW DARE HE DO THAT TO MY LITTLE GIRL!

HE PRETEND TO BE MAMA'S BOY.

OLDEST SICILIAN TRICK IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK.

WHY SHE DON'T STOP HIM? TELL ME--WHY?

BECAUSE SHE HAS TO ACT AS IF SHE'S DEAD, AND HE'S TAKEN ADVANTAGE.

MONA KNEW.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE KNEW.

THAT'S WHAT MASCULINE ACTING IS.

YOU KISS THE GIRL LIKE YOU GO FOR HER.

SADIE: HER AURA IS CHANGING.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

[WHISPERING] Rosario!

SHE IS KISSING HIM WITH HER MOUTH OPEN.

OHH...

Stop!

I DON'T CARE IF I LOSE THE BUSINESS.

I DON'T RAISE MY DAUGHTER FOR THIS.

I AM GOING TO PULL THE CURTAIN.

LET ME GO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MAN: GET OUT OF THE WAY!

...VIOLATE MY DAUGHTER. LET ME OUT OF HERE!

MMM...

[GASPS]

PIERO, COME BACK! THEY'VE STOPPED KISSING!

COME BACK.

COME ON.

PLEASE, LET ME GO.

WOMAN: YOU GOT SOME NERVE, FATSO.

ROSARIO: I...DIE.

OH, I HATE THOSE PANTYHOSE.

HIS DINGLE LOOKS EVEN BIGGER NOW.

OH!

DEAR GOD!

IS HE STIFF?

I THINK HE'S STIFF FROM HER.

THAT'S JUST A TOWEL IN THERE SO THEY DON'T HURT IT WHEN THEY DUEL.

OH, IT'S A TOWEL.

I'M SO RELIEVED.

LET ME SEE!

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

STOP PUSHING!

STOP LOOKING.

ROSARIO: UGH...

SICILIAN SON OF A BITCH!

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

IT'S GROWING.

GINA: I WILL KISS THY LIPS.

HAPLY SOME POISON YET DOTH HANG ON THEM TO MAKE ME DIE WITH A RESTORATIVE.

MY POOR BABY HAS TO KISS THE SICILIAN ANIMAL NOW!

I HOPE SHE BITE OFF HIS LIPS AND SPIT THEM RIGHT INTO HIS FACE!

[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY]

OH, MY GOD.

WOMAN: THIS MUST BE METHOD ACTING.

GINA...

A BUTTERFLY'S WINGS.

A BUTTERFLY'S WINGS.

[MOANING]

HER AURA, IT'S TURNING ORANGE.

GO FOR IT, GINA!

HE IS LOVE DEEP.

HE IS SACRIFICE ALL.

IF SHE WERE MY DAUGHTER, I'D BREAK HER HEAD.

THEY MUST HAVE USED 2 TOWELS.

AH! AH!

WOMAN: HERE HE GOES AGAIN!

DIFFERENT WOMAN: SIT DOWN, FATSO!

MAN: YOU WANT A RAP IN THE MOUTH?

DIFFERENT MAN: YEAH? STEP IN THE TOILET!

PIERO: YOU BE QUIET, YOU!

PIERO, COME BACK!

THE KISS IS FINISHED.

YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN HER DEATH SCENE.

GINA: O HAPPY DAGGER, THIS IS MY SHEATH.

THERE REST...

OH!

AND LET ME DIE!

[BOTH MOANING]

AHH...

PIERO: MOVE! YOU HAVE TO MOVE.

WOMAN: THAT'S SO RUDE!

THE SCENE IS OVER.

I WANT TO GO AS SOON AS THE CURTAIN COMES DOWN.

PIERO: GET OUT OF MY WAY!

MAN: BANANA. A REAL BANANA.

PIERO: I WILL CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!

MIKEY, LET'S GET HIM TO THE BANQUET HALL THE MINUTE THIS SHOW IS OVER.

RIGHT.

MA, WAIT IN THE CAR.

WE WANT TO EXTRICATE HIM UNBEKNOWNST.

I KNEW IT.

HE WAS STIFF FROM HER!

SHH! SHH!

COME ON.

SOME SHALL BE PARDONED.

OTHERS SHALL BE PUNISHED.

FOR NEVER WAS A STORY OF MORE WOE...

TOGETHER: THAN THIS OF JULIET AND HER ROMEO.

[APPLAUSE]

MAN: BRAVO! BRAVO!

MIKE: COME ON, ROSARIO. YOU GOT TO COME WITH US.

ROSARIO: GET OUT OF HERE!

JESUS, MA!

MIKE: SADIE, SADIE!

MA, MA, GET OFF THE STAGE!

CONTESSA: I WAS SO DISGUSTED OVER HOW YOU KISSED THAT BOY.

IT WAS PORNOGRAFIA!

ALL RIGHT.

TONIGHT WE GO HOME, SLEEP THE NIGHT GOOD.

TOMORROW YOU ARE IN PARIS, WE FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING.

OH, NO. NO, PAPA. THE BANQUET, EH?

THE WHOLE CAST IS GOING!

OH, NO! I WILL NOT SET FOOT IN THAT CAPPAMEZZA CATERING HALL FOR ONE MOMENT!

AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!

AND THAT IS FINAL!

MONSIGNOR: MAGNIFICENT PERFORMANCE, GINA.

SEE YOU AT THE BANQUET?

NO, MONSIGNORE, SHE CANNOT COME BECAUSE TOMORROW SHE HAVE TO GET UP EARLY, GO TO AIRPORT.

OH, I UNDERSTAND, BUT I WANT TO THANK HER AND YOU TWO PUBLICLY.

YOU JUST COME FOR THAT, HMM?

WE--

OH--

[GIGGLES]

[PLAYING DANCE MUSIC]

[WOMAN SINGING IN ITALIAN]

BOY, I DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP ONCE, EXCEPT DURING THE PARTS WHERE PEOPLE WERE JUST TALKING.

BUT IN THE SWORDPLAY...

AND THE SMOOCHING-- TERRIFIC.

WHAT ABOUT MY FRANCIS?

OH, HE WAS GREAT.

I BELIEVED HE WAS HER NURSE, AND HE WAS VERY MANLY IN THE GIRL'S CLOTHES.

YOU'RE READY FOR BROADWAY!

AND, TONY, YOU WAS GREAT AS ROSARIO'S UNCLE.

I WASN'T HIS UNCLE.

I WAS HIS COUSIN.

WELL, WHOEVER YOU WERE, YOU ALL MADE THE EVENING VERY BEARABLE.

MAN: ♪ I COULDN'T BREATHE OH, PAPA, I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO THE CAST, EH?

YOU SAY HELLO TO THE GIRLS.

ONLY TO THE GIRLS, YOU UNDERSTAND, EH?

HELLO AND GOOD-BYE, EH?

♪ ...OR SPEAK

♪ PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK WITH MY... ♪ TONY: YOU KNOW, NEXT YEAR, WE'RE DOING JULIUS AND CAESAR.

I'M PLAYING MRS. CAESAR.

YOU EVER SEE THE SMOKE IN THIS WAY?

SO RIDICULOUS, EH?

IT'S OBSCENE.

WHAT THEY ARE TRYING TO DO, RE-CREATE FOREST FIRE?

STUPIDO.

LOOK AT THEM.

THEY ARE GREEN WITH ENVY FROM OUR DECOR.

WHEN THEY TASTE OUR FOOD, THEY'RE GOING TO WISH THEY WERE IN ANOTHER BUSINESS ALTOGETHER.

I DON'T SEE THE DAUGHTER.

SHE'S OVER THERE WITH THE GIRLS.

YOU TWO WERE SO SEXY UP THERE.

I THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING MEL GIBSON AND MICHELLE PFEIFFER.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO KISS LIKE THAT, BOARDING SCHOOL?

I ASKED MY PARENTS TO SEND ME.

THEY WERE AFRAID I'D LOSE MY CHERRY.

THEY DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT I LOST IT TO A GUIDO WHEN I WAS 14.

I BEEN TO THE CAPRI MOTEL.

WHAT IS A CAPRI MOTEL?

THE HORNIEST PLACE ON CITY ISLAND.

IT'S GOT WATERBEDS SHAPED LIKE THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR AND PORNO MOVIES IN EVERY ROOM.

I LOST MINE THERE, TOO.

I AIN'T BEEN A VIRGIN ALMOST A MONTH.

AND WE KNOW WHO MR. LUCKY IS.

WHAT?

WE'RE ALL VICTIMS OF PEER PRESSURE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

OH, UM, MY PARENTS ARE VERY STRICT.

WAIT HERE.

MONSIGNOR: I'D LIKE TO CALL UP MIKE AND SADIE CAPPAMEZZA AND COUNT AND CONTESSA MALACICI.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

WHICH JUST SHOWS...

YOU WANT TO DANCE, ROSARIO?

HEY!

MONSIGNOR: ...CAN TURN BUSINESS RIVALS INTO GOOD FRIENDS.

ROSARIO: YEAH, YEAH.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

1 AND 2 AND 3.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MIKE: WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS THIS? HEY. WHAT GOES HERE?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

BRING REGINA.

HELLO, MR. FREDERICO, MRS. F.

PIERO...WAIT.

LOOK.

THE FREDERICOS.

YES.

WE MUST NOT GO WITHOUT TO TALK TO THEM.

WE MUST CATER THEIR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING.

AHH...

[CONTESSA SPEAKING ITALIAN]

MR. FREDERICO: HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU.

PIERO: YOUR DAUGHTER CARMELLA RECITE THE LINE OF LADY CAPULET WITH SUCH ARTISTRY.

AND SHE REEKS OF INTELLIGENCE.

MRS. FREDERICO: YES.

AND THAT IS WHY SHE DESERVE THE GRAND WEDDING WE HAVE PREPARED FOR HER.

EVERY GUEST WILL HAVE ROAST GOOSE OR BISTECCA CHATEAUBRIAND.

AND VANILLA TARTUFI.

AND AMARETTO CREME BRULEE WITH THE WEDDING CAKE.

MR. FREDERICO: WHAT ABOUT THE SMOKE?

PIERO: OH, YES.

EVERY MAN SMOKE BIG CIGAR.

MRS. FREDERICO: NO, NO, NO.

WE LIKE THE SMOKE EFFECT.

OH, SMOKE EFFECT.

AHH...WE LOVE SMOKE EFFECT, BUT OUR SMOKE WILL BE FINER...

NOT ONLY TO THE ANKLE, BUT ALL THE WAY TO THE CALF.

YES, AND SOFTER, LIKE IN A FELLINI MOVIE.

THE SNEAKS ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE FREDERICOS!

OOH...

WHAT DO YOU SAY, RALPH?

HOW ARE YOU DOING, ANGIE?

HI. HOW ARE YOUSE?

ANGIE: HELLO.

THEY'RE NOT LOOKING. NOW!

OH!

FOR CARMELLA'S WEDDING, AS SOUVENIRS, WE TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU TWO FROM YOUR WEDDING AND WE PRINT IT ON THE FRONT OF EACH COFFEE CUP.

SADIE: AND ENGRAVED ON THE INSIDE, A PINK ROSE ENTWINED WITH A SILVER RIBBON THAT SAYS, "CARMELLA LOVES TONY AND VICE VERSA, "COMPLIMENTS, ANGIE AND RALPH FREDERICO."

I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE AT A WEDDING.

I AM SURE THEY DO IT IN CONEY ISLAND.

RALPH: HEY, THEY MAKE A GOOD-LOOKING COUPLE EVEN OFF THE STAGE.

ALL: WHO?

YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOUR SON.

MRS. FREDERICO: NOW I KNOW WHY THE MALACICIS AND THE CAPPAMEZZAS GET ALONG SO WELL.

THEY'RE MAKING A MATCH.

NO! SHE'S ONLY 16!

NO, NO.

YOU SEE, HE'S JUST GOT HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE.

THEY HAVE ONLY THE SHAKESPEARE IN COMMON.

THAT'S ALL.

SHE'S RUSHING OFF FOR CULTURE TO PARIS FOR THE BALLET, AND HE'S TRYING TO PURSUE HIS INTELLECT TAKING GEOMETRY II THIS SUMMER IN SUMMER SCHOOL.

THE OTHER ROMEO DID NOT COME CLOSE TO YOU.

DID YOU KISS HIM LIKE YOU KISSED ME?

I NEVER KISS ANYONE LIKE I KISS YOU.

I TAKE IT, UH, THEY DON'T LIKE ME FOR YOU.

THEY DON'T LIKE ANYONE FOR ME, BUT YOU IN PARTICULAR.

WHY? BECAUSE THE FOLKS ARE RIVALS?

NO.

BECAUSE YOU ARE DANGEROUS AND SEXY.

AH, EASY, EASY.

SADIE WILL DESIGN CANDY-COVERED ALMONDS WRAPPED IN LACE...

WITH A BOW, A PLASTIC BIRD, A FEATHER, AND A SIMULATED ZIRCON RING.

MRS. FREDERICO: WELL, THE MALACICIS SAY THEY CAN DO A SOFT FELLINI SMOKE UP TO THE KNEES.

MIKE: WELL, WE CAN DO BRIGHT TERMINATOR 2 SMOKE UP TO THE CHIN!

WATCH THIS!

WITH A DOUBLE TECHNICOLOR WALT DISNEY RAINBOW.

OH, MY.

TURN IT DOWN! IT'S WAY TOO HIGH, MIKEY!

I CAN'T. IT'S STUCK!

DO SOMETHING!

I GOT TO GET A WRENCH.

[COUGHING]

CONTESSA: WHERE ARE THEY?

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN? WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

THE CHILDREN.

OH, BOY.

DID I DO THIS?

DID I MAKE THE RAINBOW TOO ROMANTIC?

YOU BOTH DO! YOU MAKE A CAMOUFLAGE!

IT'S YOUR FAULT!

STEALING THE FREDERICOS, FORCING US TO SHOW OFF!

SADIE: WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!

WHERE ARE THE FREDERICOS?

[COUGHING]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, ONLY MORE PURPLE.

[COUGHING]

GINA: IS THIS WHERE ALL THE BOYS TAKE THE GIRLS?

YEAH.

HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN ANYONE ELSE HERE?

YEAH.

MY MOTHER, WHEN WE NEEDED TO TALK, AND ONCE MY GRANDMA.

YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

NO.

HOW COME?

WELL, AFTER SAYING ALL THOSE SHAKESPEAREAN LINES TO YOU, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO COME UP WITH THE RIGHT WORDS, BUT, UH...

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE MOON...

TO SEND DOWN A GODDESS FROM THE HEAVENS.

AND THEN IT MUST HAVE DONE IT BECAUSE, UH... SHE'S COME.

OHH...


I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR YOU.

OH, NO!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

DON'T BE SCARED.

WE'LL ONLY DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

OH!

GINA!

GINA!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DID I DO?

I'M CRAZY IN LOVE WITH YOU!

I NEVER WANTED TO BE A BALLERINA.

MOTHER AND FATHER BOTH GAVE UP STUDYING FOR THE OPERA WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED, AND I THOUGHT THAT THEIR DREAM FOR ME WAS MINE, TOO.

AND MOTHER WANTS TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM MEN UNTIL I AM FAMOUS...

AND FATHER WANTS ME TO MARRY ONLY ROYALTY THAT HAS NOT GONE BROKE, LIKE WE DID IN FIRENZE.

AND MY PARENTS--

THEY NAMED THE BUSINESS "PRINCE ROSARIO" AFTER ME.

YOUR PARENTS WERE RIGHT.

YOU ARE A PRINCE.

I'M NOT GOING AWAY.

YEAH. YOU GOT A RIGHT TO THINK FOR YOURSELF.

YES.

LET'S GO TELL THEM.

WHO? YOU AND ME?

YES. YOU WON'T LET THEM INTIMIDATE ME, WILL YOU?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I'M USED TO DEALING WITH CRAZY PEOPLE.

MY GRANDMOTHER IS A COMPLETE FRUITCAKE.

SO, YOU LET ME DO THE TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS, OK?

OK.

IF WE KNEW WHERE THEY WAS, WOULDN'T WE TELL YOU?

IF YOUR SON DISHONOR OUR DAUGHTER, I WILL HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE!

OUR DAUGHTER IS AN ANGEL OF REGAL BEARING, A TREASURE, A PRINCESS FROM A FAIRY TALE WHO WALK IN PURITY!

AND WHAT'S OUR SON-- A BIG BAG OF SHIT?

MIKE! PLEASE DON'T USE THE "S" WORD.

OUR SON, HE'S A GENTLEMAN, AND HE'S AN ALTAR BOY.

HE'S A LOVER OF ALL MOTHERS.

I WILL CALL THE POLICE. I WILL CALL THE F.B.I.

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

THEY HAVE JUST DRIVE UP IN THE CAR!

SEE? NOTHING FROM NOTHING.

LET'S GO TO BED.

WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO HIM?

I'LL TELL HIM, "HEY, FORGET ABOUT PARIS.

SHE'S WITH ME. GET IT?"

HOW'S THAT?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! MY FATHER WILL KILL YOU!

SHE'S JUST A BABY, LITTLE PUSSY WUSSY BUSHY THE PUSSYCAT!

SHE'S A LITTLE BABY CALICO CAT.

SHE'S A LITTLE KISSABLE CAT.

SHE'S A LITTLE--

HEY, MIKEY.

[MEOWS]

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

OH! OH, YES! THANK YOU, BLESSED ROSCOE.

WHAT'S THAT?

NOTHING. JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU GOT IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

YES. UH-HUH.

[PIERO SHOUTING]

UH-HUH. OH!

THE KIDS, THEY LEFT.

WE GOT TO FIND OUT WHERE THEY ARE.

YOU KNOW, MIKEY. I'M NOT FEELING SO GOOD.

I'M A LITTLE NAUSEOUS. GET ME A CUP OF MINT TEA.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

SADIE: OH, MONA, COULD YOU PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND ASK THE BLESSED ROSCOE IF HE KNOWS WHERE THE KIDS ARE?

HOLD ON A SECOND.

UH-HUH.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SEES THEIR EXPECTATION TO CONSUMMATE.

OH, BOY!

DOES HE KNOW WHERE?

HE SEES WATER, A BED, THE LETTER "C."

UH-HUH.

THAT'S IT. I GOT TO GO.

3 PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME TO TRY AND MAKE RAIN.

WATER, A BED, THE LETTER "C."

THE LETTER "C."

MIKE, WE GOT TO GET TO THE CAPRI MOTEL BEFORE THEY CONSUMMATE IN A WATERBED!

HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE THERE?

BECAUSE IT ALL ADDS UP.

ROSARIO: MY PARENTS ARE GREAT IN A CRISIS.

WAIT RIGHT HERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MA! POP!

I NEED YOUSE FOR SOME ADVICE, HUH?

MA!

THE ONLY ONE HOME IS MY GRANDMA, AND SHE'S SLEEPING.

YOU WILL NOT EVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU?

NO.

NO, NO. I LOVE YOU.

FROM THE TIP OF MY HEART TO THE DEPTH OF MY SOUL, I LOVE YOU.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOUR ROOM.

WELL, IT'S REAL MESSY.

FARE L'AMORE CON TE.

AMORE?

OH! BE TENDER WITH ME. I'M A VIRGIN.

DITTO.

I DON'T SEE HIS CAR.

GOOD, GOOD.

WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THEM FROM RUINING THEIR LIVES.

OH, ROMEO!

ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU, ROMEO?

THE MOON, JULIET.

I'M ON THE MOON!

OHH...

[CAR APPROACHING]

OH, MY GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

IS IT THEM?

NO.

IT'S DR. RONDINO AND MISS DeLUCA.

OOH!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN.

THEY AIN'T COMIN' HERE. LET'S GO HOME.

SADIE: WATER...

BED, AND THE LETTER "C."

OHH...

OH!

SADIE: WATER, BED, THE LETTER "C"!

"C" FOR CAPPAMEZZA ON THE WATER!

MIKEY, THEY'RE IN OUR HOUSE ON OUR WATER!

YOU GO LOOK. I CAN'T LOOK. GO LOOK!

ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT ME TO LOOK, I'LL GO LOOK.

I'M GOING TO GO LOOK.

I LEFT THE CANDLES BURNING.

[GINA MOANING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SADIE: ROSARIO!

ROSARIO!

[YAWNING] WHO IS IT?

IT'S YOUR MOTHER AND DAD.

I'M SLEEPING.

I'LL TALK TO YOU IN THE MORNING.

GET DRESSED AND GET IN THE CLOSET.

WHERE'S MY UNDERPANTS?

HERE, HERE. WHERE'S MY BRA?

HERE'S YOUR BRA, AND HERE'S YOUR PANTIES.

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE WITH THE GIRL.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?

I CAN SENSE IT WITH MY MOTHER'S INTUITION.

[ROSARIO YAWNS]

THERE. HE TOOK HER HOME, AND HE WAS SLEEPING.

GO BACK TO BED, ROSARIO. COME ON.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL BAD I DIDN'T TRUST HIM.

I'M GOING TO GO BACK AND APOLOGIZE.

ROSARIO, PLEASE FORGIVE--

OH! OH!

UH-OH.

OH. OH.

OH.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY DEEPLY.

I MEAN, SHE'S THROUGH LIVING A LIE TO MAKE HER PARENTS HAPPY.

AND THAT IS WHY WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

YOU SLEPT TOGETHER?

BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX, DID YOU?

NO. THEY WERE BOBBING FOR APPLES.

SADIE: OH, NOT ROSARIO.

THIS GIRL, SHE'S JULIET.

OH, I DID THIS.

I LEFT THE CANDLES BURNING.

I MISREAD THE BLESSED ROSCOE'S--

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, GIRLIE...

WE'RE ADULTS, MY WIFE AND ME.

YOU HAD A BISENSUAL RENDEZVOUS FOR 2 WITH MY SON, AND YOU SHOULD WALLOW IN IT TOMORROW ON THE PLANE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

SADIE: WHAT MY HUSBAND IS TRYING TO SAY IS JUST CHERISH THE BLISS YOU HAD WITH ROSARIO IN BALLET SCHOOL, AND THEN MAYBE IN 6 OR 7 YEARS...

NO. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO PARIS.

YEAH! AND IF SHE GOES, I GO, TOO.

MIKE: WHAT?!

YOU GOT TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL TO GO TO COLLEGE, AND WHAT ABOUT THIS SUMMER?

YOU AND ME WERE GOING TO BE FATHER AND SON AND CURE PEPPERONI TOGETHER.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US THAT YOU WOULD GIVE UP EVERYTHING FOR THIS GIRL?

MA, DO YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE OR MISERABLE AND DIE?

THESE ARE MY ONLY CHOICES?

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME A MINUTE, PLEASE.

SADIE, I CAN'T TALK NOW.

I GOT ANOTHER CLIENT HERE.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

SO IS THIS. TALK QUICK.

ME AND THE BLESSED ROSCOE HAVE GOT OUR HANDS FULL.

[SOBBING]

FOR 7 YEARS...

SNEAKING AROUND IN CHEAP MOTELS IN FORBIDDEN BLISS ON DAMP MATTRESSES.

ROSARIO SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT THIS GIRL.

WHY ME?

WHY ME?!

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

OOH!

THE BLESSED ROSCOE IS POKING ME.

HE SAYS WE'LL MARRY WHEN HIS MOTHER DIES.

COULD YOU HOLD IT DOWN FOR A SECOND, SWEETHEART?

I'M TRYING TO COMMUNE HERE.

THE WOMAN IS 94!

I MAY DIE BEFORE HER.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE SAID LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS, BUT IT'S ALSO NOT ENOUGH.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW, SADIE. FIGURE IT OUT.

HIS OLD MOTHER SUFFERS SO.

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME...HUMANE HERBS TO HELP HER TO HEAVEN?

HEY, THE BLESSED ROSCOE AND ME ARE HEALERS, NOT HIT MEN.

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

PIERO: OPEN THIS DOOR. I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR SON.

CONTESSA: WE DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE OUR DAUGHTER IS.

WAIT HERE.

PIERO: OPEN THIS DOOR.

MY SON AIN'T HERE.

PIERO: THE CAR IS IN FRONT. WE KNOW HE IS IN THERE.

QUICK, HIDE HER.

NO. IT IS TIME THEY FOUND OUT WHO I REALLY AM AND WHO MADE ME TRUE TO MYSELF.

WE WILL TELL THEM, RIGHT, ROSARIO?

ALACK, THERE LIES MORE PERIL IN THINE EYES, JULIET, THAN 20 OF THEIR SWORDS.

UH-OH.

DON'T BE A SUCKER, ROSARIO. PLAY DUMB.

CONTESSA: REGINA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE HAVE SOMETHING WE WANT YOU TO KNOW, SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

TELL THEM.

WHO, ME?

UM...PLEASE, COME IN.

JOIN US IN OUR PARLOR, AND WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE TETE-A-TETE TALK.

[SADIE SIGHS]

OH, MAY I OFFER YOU A BANANA?

HOW ABOUT A GUMMY BEAR?

WE DON'T WANT BANANA, GUMMY BEAR.

WE WANT TO KNOW THE A, B, C, AND THE D.

UM...

DID YOU EVER SEE THE EPISODE OF AS THE WORLD TURNS WHERE, UM, UH, EMILY TELLS BARBARA THAT SHE AND GAVIN HAD A, UM, A MYSTICAL ODYSSEY ON THE BEACH?

OR MAYBE YOU READ IN THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER ABOUT CHER AND HER LATEST GUITARIST BEING CAUGHT ON A MOTORCYCLE.

WELL... ROSARIO AND GINA...

UNTHINKINGLY, WHILE WE WERE OUT, THEY WERE, UH...

THEY WERE SWEPT AWAY IN OUR HOUSE.

WHAT?

WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

THEY, UM...

THEY HAD COITUS THAT, UM...

WASN'T INTERRUPTUS.

AND NOW SHE DON'T WANT TO GO TO PARIS NO MORE OR BE A BALLET DANCER ANYMORE.

SANTA RUDOLPHO, MADRE DI DIO!

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!

YOU THROW AWAY YOUR LIFE FOR THIS?!

YOU'RE GETTING ON THAT PLANE IF I HAVE TO DRAG YOU BY THE HAIR!

YOU'RE MAKING GINA CRY.

SHE WANTS TO BE WITH ME.

IS THAT SUCH A BAD THING?

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

[EVERYONE SHOUTING]

LET GO OF HIM! HEY! HEY!

GET BACK IN THAT CHAIR!

YOU WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL LIKE YOUR WIFE, YOU GOT EVERY RIGHT, BUT YOU TRY TO CHOKE MY SON AGAIN, I'LL THROW YOU IN THE BAY!

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, POP.

SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN BEFORE I CHOKE YOU MYSELF!

[CONTESSA SOBBING]

HE RUIN HER. HE RUIN MY DAUGHTER.

HE RUIN EVERYBODY.

[SOBBING]

GINA: HE DID NOT RUIN ANYBODY.

HE MADE ME HAPPY!

SHE'S MY DREAM COME TRUE.

YOU SHUT UP.

I GET MY GUN. I SHOOT YOU!

YOU AIN'T SHOOTIN' ANYBODY, COUNT DRACULA!

I AM COUNT DRACULA?

THIS WHOLE FAMILY IS FRANKENSTEIN!

PLEASE, LET'S NOT TURN THIS INTO A TRAGEDY!

IT'S A COMEDY BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.

AND...AND...LOOK, I'M LAUGHING.

HA HA HA HA!

COME ON. YOU LAUGH, TOO.

EVERYBODY LAUGH.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA! HA HA!

PUTANA! PUTANA!

DON'T YOU EVER SET FOOT IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!

SHH. SHE DON'T MEAN YOU'RE A PUTANA.

I DO! I DO!

AND YOU'LL GET NOTHING!

NOTHING!

YOU'LL GO FROM THIS WORLD THE WAY YOU CAME--

WITH NOTHING!

[SOBBING]

PLEASE. OH, DON'T REJECT HER.

I LEFT THE CANDLES BURNING, AND NOW THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, AND LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

YOU SHUT UP!

I KNEW THIS WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!

CANDLES! VOODOO!

GOD IS GOING TO PUNISH YOU!

IT IS NOT VOODOO!

IT'S LOVE CHARMS!

YOU'RE A WITCH! A WITCH!

UNA STREGA! UNA STREGA DEL DIAVOLO!

YOU CALL ME A WITCH?!

I HAVE LOST MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!

JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!

YOU'LL HATE YOURSELF FOR GIVING UP THE BALLET!

I WAS ONLY DOING IT FOR YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GIVE UP YOUR TALENT FOR LOVE, LIKE WE DID.

THAT WAS YOUR CHOICE. THIS IS MINE.

OH! OH!

WHAT ABOUT ROSARIO?

HE'S GOING TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING FOR HER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVERYTHING? ROSARIO HAVE NOTHING.

HE DON'T HAVE A JOB.

HE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CERTIFICATE OF HIGH SCHOOL!

HE'S GIVING UP HIS FUTURE, WHERE HE HAS EVERYTHING--

HIS HIGH-SCHOOL CERTIFICATE, FAME, WEALTH!

OUR BUSINESS WILL BE HIS SOMEDAY!

YOU ARE BROKE.

WE CHECK IN THE BANK.

YOU OWE $122,000, AND NOW EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A LOW-CLASS JOE BLOW!

HOW DARE YOU CALL US A LOW-CLASS JOE BLOW?!

WE ARE JUST AS PRETENTIOUS AS YOU WILL EVER BE!

AND MAYBE THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU TRIED TO SELL YOUR TITLE IN ITALY, AND NOBODY WOULD BUY IT!

WE LOOKED IT UP!

SON OF A BITCH! SON OF A BITCH!

I WILL THROW YOU AND YOUR WIFE IN THE BAY!

OH, YEAH? COME ON! TRY IT!

DON'T STOOP TO THEIR LEVEL.

I WANT TO GIVE HIM BEATING.

THEY HAVE NO BREEDING!

WE BREED PLENTY!

YEAH!

BUT HE DESERVES A BEATING.

I WAS CHAMPION OF BOXING IN THE UNIVERSITY OF BOLOGNA.

I GIVE HIM A BEATING HE NEVER FORGET.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!

COME UP HERE!

OH, NOW YOU'VE--

COME IN THE HOUSE!

NO! I WANT HIM!

PIERO!

I'M GONNA KILL HIM! LET ME AT HIM!

I'M GONNA KILL HIM!

NO, NO. LEAVE THEM. LEAVE THEM.

LET ME GET MY HANDS ON YOU!

PIERO: I AM EXHAUSTED.

I'M GONNA PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE MOUTH!

YOU ARE STUPID!

LET ME AT HIM!

YOU CHICKENSHIT PECKERHEAD!

YOU MAKE ME CUP OF COFFEE, NO?

[DOOR CLOSES]

GINA: I HATE THEM!

I WISH THEY WERE NOT MY PARENTS!

LOOK, THAT'S LIKE WISHING YOUR FOOT WASN'T YOUR FOOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S GOT A BAD FUNGUS.

I CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THEM!

MAYBE THEY'RE JUST OBNOXIOUS TEMPORARILY, HUH?

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE DAUGHTER WE ALWAYS WANTED.

I TOLD YOU MY PARENTS WERE GREAT.

MIKE: LOOK, ROSARIO, NOW THAT SHE'S UNDER OUR SEXUAL AUSPICES, YOUR BEHAVIOR HAS GOT TO BE, UM...

ACCORDING TO THE RULES OF QUEEN VICTORIA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

KOSHER.

HERE. HERE'S ONE OF GRANDMA'S BATHROBES.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP INSIDE THERE WITH GRANDMA IN HER BED.

YOU SEE, SEX IS A GIFT FROM GOD, AND YOU TWO HAVE CHOSEN TO SHARE THAT GIFT, BUT NOW WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THAT GIFT, WE'RE GOING TO PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX AND UNDER THE TREE, OK?

BECAUSE, YOU SEE, MIKEY AND I, WE'RE RESPONSIBLE NOW.

I WISH YOU WERE REALLY MY MOTHER, MRS. CAPPAMEZZA.

GOOD NIGHT, GINA.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

GOOD NIGHT, MA.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, POP.

SHE'S SUCH A SWEET GIRL.

YEAH.

I THINK I HANDLED IT AS IF LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

LET'S GET BACK TO WHAT WE WAS DOING.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW...WHOOPEE.

MIKE, WE GOT TO STAND GUARD.

WHAT FOR?

WE CAN'T TAKE A CHANCE.

THEY'RE TOO OVERSTIMULATED.

AND WHAT AM I?

[SNORING]

[GINA CRYING]

GINA.

GINA!

ROSARIO?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? I HEARD YOU CRYING.

I NEVER TALKED BACK TO MY PARENTS BEFORE.

WE BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER.

[SNIFFLES]

WILL YOU ALWAYS LOVE ME AND CHOOSE ME OVER THE OTHER WOMAN?

WHAT OTHER WOMAN?

YOUR MOTHER.

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO CHOOSE. I LOVE YOU BOTH.

AND SHE LOVES YOU, TOO. YOU HEARD HER.

WHY DID SHE SAY WE SHOULD NOT SLEEP TOGETHER?

I AM NOT A PUTANA.

HEY, YOUR MOTHER SAID THAT, NOT MINE!

YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME?

YES. I DID?

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY I INSULT YOUR MOTHER.

OUR FIRST FIGHT.

YES.

IT MAKES ME HOT.

ME, TOO.

MIKE: I STILL GOT THE POTATO GNOCCHI AND THE GARBAZEL TO COOK.

THE FASULI-BALDILAMENTE WEDDING IS A KILLER.

WHERE THE HELL'S ROSARIO?

5:00. HE AIN'T UP YET.

HE'S PROBABLY TIRED FROM TALKING TO HER THROUGH THE WINDOW ALL NIGHT.

HE'S TIRED?

I GOT PRACTICALLY NO SLEEP, AND WHEN I DID SLEEP, I DREAMED ABOUT YOU AND YOU KNOW WHAT.

OH, MIKE, COME ON.

WE WERE ON TOP OF THE SMALL BANQUET TABLE.

YEAH?

I HAD ONE FOOT ON THE GROUND, THE OTHER FOOT UP IN THE AIR, AND WITH MY OTHER FOOT...

OH!

[ROSARIO CLEARS THROAT]

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD EVENING.

GO PUT THE CLAMS IN THE FRA DIAVOLO SAUCE.

IT'S TOO HARD STAYING AWAY FROM GINA, AND IT'S STUPID.

WE ALREADY HAD SEX TOGETHER.

WHY SHOULD SHE SLEEP IN GRANDMA'S BED AND NOT MINE?

BOTH: BECAUSE GRANDMA CAN'T GET HER PREGNANT.

YOUSE CAN'T KEEP ME FROM HER.

ROSARIO.

GRANDMA: HEY!

ISABEL FASULI IS HERE WITH HER MOTHER IN A PANIC.

OW! I'M CAUGHT IN THE ZIPPER, SADIE!

HER GOWN SPLIT OPEN AT THE CHURCH DURING THE "I DOs."

SHE'S BEEN EATING CHOCOLATES FOR 2 WEEKS AROUND THE CLOCK.

I'M NERVOUS, MA, OK? I'M NERVOUS!

GIVE ME THAT CHOCOLATE BAR. SPIT IT IN MY HAND.

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO, ADELE.

I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS CABBAGE ROSE THAT'S IN THE BACK, AND I'M GOING TO PUT IT IN THE FRONT, AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THIS BIG CABBAGE ROSE, AND I'M GOING TO PUT IT IN THE BACK.

OH.

AND NOBODY WILL KNOW THAT SHE GAINED A FEW POUNDS.

HOW ABOUT 20 IN 2 WEEKS?

SOME OF US GAIN WEIGHT BECAUSE WE FEEL THAT IF WE HAVE EVERYTHING, PEOPLE WILL ENVY US.

YEAH, MA. PEOPLE ENVY ME.

THAT'S WHY I EAT!

NOW GO OUT AND STUN YOUR GUESTS AND SURPRISE YOUR ENEMIES.

WAIT, MA. I GOT TO GET MY SHOES.

FIDELLA, LOOK OUT!

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

YOU ALMOST KILLED ANOTHER CAT.

DON'T YOU DARE EAT ANOTHER THING UNTIL YOU LEAVE FOR YOUR HONEYMOON.

THIS IS THE LAST FITTING THAT I AM PUTTING SADIE THROUGH.

GINA: MR. AND MRS. CAPPAMEZZA, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT ROSARIO JUST BURNED HIS FINGER IN THE KITCHEN.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAID TO HIM ABOUT ME, BUT YOU HURT HIM VERY, VERY DEEPLY.

[CHEWING GUM LOUDLY]

[DRUMROLL]

[RIM SHOT]

AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME AS MR. AND MRS. BALDILAMENTE, PLEASE WELCOME ISABEL AND VINNY!

MAN SINGING: ♪ BECAUSE OF YOU

♪ THERE'S A SONG IN THIS HEART ♪

♪ BECAUSE OF YOU

♪ THIS HEART HAD A START

♪ WELL, BECAUSE OF YOU...

MAN: HEY, VINNY, THAT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

THAT CAKE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

[SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

YO, MA, POP! EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP.

I JUST MADE A BIG DECISION.

I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW.

GINA, THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE ASKED YOU FROM THE MOMENT I FIRST SAW YOU.

WHAT?

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

AH...

HA HA.

NOW WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?

OH, ROSARIO, YES, I WILL.

MAN: CONGRATULATIONS!

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

MIKE: GET BACK TO WORK! EVERYBODY, GET BACK TO WORK!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY.

HAPPY?!

WE'D BE HAPPIER IF YOU WERE BOTH OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU'RE STILL BABIES!

TELEPHONE, GINA MALACICI.

MY BODY'S ADDICTED TO HER.

I GOT TO GET MARRIED.

YOU GET MARRIED WHEN YOUR BRAIN IS MATURE, NOT JUST YOUR PUBIC PARTS!

WAITER: MORE PIGS KNUCKLES.

COMING UP. NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

MA, PLEASE.

IT'S NOT LEGAL.

IT IS LEGAL WITH PARENTS' APPROVAL.

DIDN'T WE JUST SAY NO?

MY PARENTS JUST GAVE THEIR APPROVAL.

WHAT?!

LAST NIGHT THEY HATED ROSARIO'S GUTS, AND THEY THREW YOU OUT INTO THE SNOW.

THEY MISS ME, AND THEY WANT ME TO BE HAPPY.

MORE FRIED OCTOPUS AND ZUCCHINI STICKS!

ON THE FIRE!

IT'S VERY NICE YOUR PARENTS MISS YOU, BUT IF THEY GAVE THEIR APPROVAL, THEY GOT A COUPLE SCREWS LOOSE.

MY PARENTS HAPPEN TO BE HIGHLY CULTURED ARISTOCRATS!

THEY WOULD NEVER MAKE A CAKE LIKE THAT!

THIS CAKE HAPPENS TO BE OUR DELUXE GLAMORAMA, AND NOBODY BUT US MATCHES THE LITTLE PLASTIC DOLLS TO THE LIVE WEDDING PARTY.

IN ITALIA, THESE STRAWBERRIES WITH GOLD ROSES, THEY WOULD BE A LAUGHINGSTOCK!

WELL, IN THESE PARTS, THEY'RE THE CAT'S ASS.

MORE SCUNGILLI MARINARA!

READY TO TRAVEL!

I THINK WHAT IT IS IS THAT YOU MISS YOUR PARENTS, AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ACTING SO NUTSY.

I AM JUST TRYING TO TEACH YOU WHAT'S IN BAD TASTE, MRS. CAPPAMEZZA.

MORE RICE AND PEPPERONI FRITTERS!

COMING UP!

IF THERE'S ANY ONE PERSON WHO SHOULD BE TEACHING SOMEBODY SOMETHING, IT SHOULD BE ME!

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I STARRED ON WEDDING DOs AND DON'Ts ON THE LOCAL CITY ISLAND CABLE CHANNEL, WHERE I POINTED OUT THAT BAD TASTE WAS BETTER THAN NO TASTE AT ALL.

AM I RIGHT, ROSARIO?

APOLOGIZE TO GINA FOR CALLING HER NUTSY.

WHAT? SHE JUST INSULTED ME AND YOUR FATHER.

IT'S TRUE. HER PARENTS' DECORATIONS ARE LESS GABON.

WHO'S A GABON? I'M A GABON?

MORE PIGS KNUCKLES!

WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE EATING THE HORS D'OEUVRES WITH, A SHOVEL?!

MIKE, WE GOT A PROBLEM.

I KNOW. WE'RE OUT OF PIGS KNUCKLES.

HOW COME I HEAR THAT THE MALACICIS OFFER MY WIFE'S BROTHER JACKIE, THAT FRIGGIN' UMPA LUMPA, THE EXACT SAME DELUXE WEDDING AS ISABEL FOR 50% LESS?!

THEY'RE UNDERCUTTING, JOE.

THEY LOSE MONEY AT THAT PRICE.

THE MALACICIS MAY USE OUR MENU, BUT THEIR PORTIONS, THEY'RE SO REFINED FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES WITH LARGE, GOURMET FRAMES...

I WANT A REFUND NOW, OR I WILL NEVER DO ANOTHER AFFAIR HERE!

AND THAT GOES FOR ALL THE FASULIS:

MY WIFE'S SIDE, THE LACIANNOS, HER MOTHER'S SIDE, THE BRUNOS, THE BALDIMENTES, AND THE MACROGIOVANNIS!

[BURP]

WE CAN'T. WE'RE PAYING OFF OUR LOAN.

COME HELP ME!

ISABEL THREW UP DOING THE ALLEY CAT.

I TOLD HER NOT TO STUFF HERSELF WITH THE PORK AND THE PLUM SAUCE!

ALL RIGHT. ACT CASUAL.

MAYBE NOBODY WILL NOTICE.

NOBODY WILL NOTICE THAT SHE HAS VOMIT ON HER WEDDING GOWN?!

SADIE, DO SOMETHING!

RIGHT. HERE. WIPE HER OFF WITH THIS RAG, AND HANG THIS CAR FRESHENER ON HER.

SADIE: THEY SAY IT'S THE LATEST THING.

ROSARIO, COULDN'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, PLEASE?

DON'T MAKE HIM CHOOSE BETWEEN ME AND YOU!

THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE THING TO SAY.

IF WE'RE OLD ENOUGH TO WANT TO MAKE LOVE ALL DAY, WE'RE OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED.

IT'S EASY TO MAKE LOVE ALL DAY WHEN YOU'RE NOT MARRIED.

IT'S MUCH HARDER WHEN YOU HAVE TO!

THAT'S RIGHT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

HER PARENTS' HOUSE.

AT LEAST THEY WANT US TO BE HAPPY!

YOU'D GO LIVE WITH THOSE SNEAKY SLEAZE BAGS?

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY PARENTS!

KEEP QUIET! I'M TALKING TO HIM!

WE SPEAK THE TRUTH BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER!

YEAH? HERE'S TRUTH. YOU'RE JEALOUS OF US.

AND HERE'S ANOTHER TRUTH:

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO BE IN THE CATERING BUSINESS.

WAITER: HOT STUFF COMING THROUGH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE IN THE CATERING BUSINESS.

THEY'RE READY FOR THE POLYNESIAN PUPU PLATTERS!

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

OUR HEIR APPARENT JUST WALKED OUT ON US.

AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BIRD?

ONE OF THEM JUST KEELED OVER.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S THE FEMALE.

MARY, MOTHER OF GOD, PLEASE SAVE HER.

WHY ARE YOU SO HYSTERICAL?

MIKE, DON'T YOU GET THE SYMBOLISM?

I JINXED THE BIRD.

IF SHE DIES, I WILL HAVE KILLED HER WITH MY THOUGHTS!

SADIE, THOUGHTS DON'T KILL.

PLEASE, MIKE, RUSH HER TO THE VET, AND DON'T LET HER DIE, PLEASE!

OK, OK, OK, OK.

I'LL TAKE HER TO THE VET.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

MONA: I CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE.

HAVING AN OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE.

LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER AFTER THE BEEP, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK BEFORE SATURN IS IN RETROGRADE.

[BEEP]

OH, BOY.

LET ME TELL YOU A COUPLE THINGS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW THAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

SHE AUDITIONED FOR THE ORIGINAL MOVIE JAWS.

YOU KNOW WHY SHE DIDN'T GET IT?

HER MOUTH WAS TOO BIG.

[LAUGHTER]

COMIC: SHE WALKED OVER TO HER GIRLFRIEND, AND SHE SAID, "I WAS STUCK IN THE ESCALATOR FOR 3 1/2 HOURS."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU WALK DOWN?"

"I WAS GOING UP."

MONSIGNOR, MONSIGNOR, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

[RIM SHOT]

YOU SEE, AN ANONYMOUS UNDERAGE COUPLE PARTOOK OF GRATIFICATION COITALLY, AND I'D LIKE TO DROP SOMETHING ON THEIR HEADS, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE INTERFERING, AND A BIRD, SYMBOLIZING THE FEMALE IN THIS COUPLE, IS AT DEATH'S DOOR.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE BLESSED ROSCOE, THE MERRY MARTYR?

NO...

BUT I HAVE A FEELING MONA BARCAVELLA IS.

YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S A NUT, TOO, DO YOU, FATHER?

SADIE, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO THINK I'M A NUT.

FIRST THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAID, "LOVE IS ALL THERE IS,"

AND THEN HE SAID, "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH."

THAT'S THE RIDDLE OF THE SPHINX.

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS...

BUT WHEN IS LOVE NOT ENOUGH?

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT ONE MYSELF.

OH, THAT'S SO COMFORTING TO KNOW, FATHER.

I'LL DO THIS FOR YOU.

I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER RIDDLE.

WHO ARE YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER?

WHEN I'M NOT A MOTHER?

WHO AM I?

AW...

MONSIGNOR, I DON'T KNOW.

[CRYING]

[LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND]

NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.

THIS WOMAN IS SO FAT THAT SHE WAS CROSSING KING'S HIGHWAY, A TRUCK WENT AROUND HER AND RAN OUT OF GAS.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW STUPID MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS.

SHE THINKS MUTUAL ORGASM IS AN INSURANCE COMPANY.

ENOUGH WITH THE MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKES.

HOW ABOUT THE GAGA THAT MOTHER-IN-LAWS HAVE TO PUT UP WITH FROM DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS?

NOBODY EVER TALKS ABOUT THAT.

YOU STINK. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

WHO NEEDS TO LISTEN TO THAT?

MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, THAT STRUSH.

SADIE: COMEDIANS-- THEY HAVE NO RESPECT.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUNNY!

WAIT. WAIT. I'M JUST--

GET OFF THE STAGE!

YOU STINK!

GET THE HELL OFF!

IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

YOU DON'T KNOW DICK! YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

I GOT A SON-IN-LAW.

GET OFF! YOU STINK!

GINA: MAMA, PAPA, THEY DID NOT WANT US TO GET MARRIED.

ROSARIO: I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR ACCEPTING US, DAD.

YOU DON'T MIND ME CALLING YOU DAD, DO YOU?

GINA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SOMEDAY YOU WILL THANK US.

DON'T YOU COME BACK HERE AGAIN!

WE'RE LOCKING HER IN HER ROOM AND SENDING HER TO PARIS TOMORROW MORNING UNDER GUARD!

ROSARIO: I'LL KICK YOU IN THE ASS!

AND BURN THIS VULGAR CAPPAMEZZA RAG.

[MAN SINGING MAMA IN ITALIAN]


OH, ROSARIO, YOU'RE BACK.

OH, THANK GOD.

HER PARENTS LOCKED HER UP.

THEY'RE GIVING HER A POLICE ESCORT TO THE PLANE TOMORROW.

IT'S FOR THE BEST.

THOSE PEOPLE, THEY'RE POISON.

IF SHE LEAVES, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

ROSARIO...

ROSARIO...

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I ADORE YOU.

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU, MA?

IT'S OVER BETWEEN US.

IT'S HER TURN TO ADORE ME NOW.

SO, UH... YOU CAME BACK.

THAT'S, UH... THAT'S GOOD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HER PARENTS, THEY LIED TO THEM ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, AND NOW THEY'RE SENDING HER OFF TO PARIS TOMORROW BY FORCE.

OOH, ARE WE LUCKY.

MIKE, IS THE BIRD GOING TO BE OK?

IT'S GOT A BROKEN WING. IT'S IN SHOCK.

WITH THE X-RAYS, WE'RE UP TO 200 BUCKS.

THE VET WANTS TO KNOW HOW MUCH MORE WE'RE WILLING TO SPEND.

EVERYTHING WE GOT!

BROKEN WING...

AND...AND SHOCK.

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING WITH YOU, SADIE?

EVERYTHING ISN'T ALWAYS WHAT IT SEEMS TO BE.

I'M LOOKING FOR WHAT REALLY IS.

I WANT TO BE A GOOD PERSON.

I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE PEOPLE BY PUSHING THEM.

I WANT TO CHANGE THEM WITH MY LOVE.

CARMELLA: IF WE GET ARRESTED FOR THIS, I'LL NEVER TELL, BECAUSE ANYTHING IN THE NAME OF LOVE IS GOD'S WORK.

WE'RE LIKE HOLY WARRIORS AND SHIT.

[CLOSES DOOR]

HEAVEN IS HERE, WHERE JULIET LIVES.

EVERY DOG AND EVERY CAT AND EVERY LITTLE MOUSE MAY LOOK UPON HER, BUT ROMEO MAY NOT.

BOY: WHEN CARMELLA DISTRACTS THEM WITH THE LOUD MUSIC, I SPIKE THE SAUCE.

IN THE CONFUSION, WE SNATCH GINA AWAY.

THIS IS A GREAT PLAN. I LOVE THIS PLAN.

I'M CALLING MY POTION ROSARIO'S REVENGE.

DUCK!

CARMELLA: OH! THIS IS SO EXCITING.

I HUMBLY ACCEPT THIS AWARD FROM THE CITY ISLAND CULTURAL SOCIETY.

ROSARIO: IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

THIS STUFF WOULD KILL THE HAIRS ON A CALABRESA'S ASS.

AS ITALIANS, BE PROUD TO BE FROM THE COUNTRY THAT GAVE US DANTE, THAT GAVE US DA VINCI, THAT GAVE US PUCCINI, THAT GAVE US--

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

MICHELANGELO.

HOW CRUDE.

PIERO DELLA FRANCESCA, TINTORETTO.

CAPPAMEZZA SABOTAGE.

CHASE THAT CALAMARI AWAY FROM HERE.

CHASE THEM!

[MALACICIS SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

I HOPE THIS WORKS.

THERE'S HOT PEPPERS IN THERE MY FAMILY'S BEEN MARINATING SINCE BEFORE MUSSOLINI.

ROSARIO: OH, BOY, THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.

AAH!

WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

AS SHAKESPEARE WOULD SAY, "MAY THE MERRY FARTS BEGIN."

BABY! BABY! OH, BABY!

[GASPING]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! THE SICILIAN CAPPAMEZZA!

DESTROY THEM!

I WANT YOU TO BRING THEM TO THEIR KNEES!

I WILL BRING THEM TO THEIR FEET!

LET ME AT THEM!

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

IT'S WORKING LIKE A DREAM.

HOIST YOURSELF UP. I GOT YOU.

UH! UH!

YOU CAME FOR ME! YOU CAME FOR ME!

QUICK. LEAVE THEM THIS NOTE.

I WANT THEM TO THINK WE'RE COMMITTING SUICIDE.

THAT WAY, WHEN THEY FIND OUT WE'RE JUST ELOPING, THEY'LL BE GRATEFUL.

YOU ARE SO SMART.

CLIMB ON MY BACK.

OH...

ALL RIGHT. MOVE IT OVER.

OW! MY EAR.

THAT'S MY EAR.

OH, GOD.

[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

WOMAN: GO, VINNY! GO, VINNY!

VINNY! VINNY! GO, VINNY!

COME ON. COME ON!

RUN! RUN!

HEY!

ROSARIO: WE GOT TO HIDE.

IN HERE, IN THE SMOKEHOUSE.

I WAS LOOKING FOR MY PUSSYCAT.

YOU SEEN HIM?

BIG ORANGE GUY, 3 LEGS.

HERE, TRIPOD. TRIPOD.

HERE, TRIPOD. WHERE ARE YOU, TRIPOD?

♪ TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT FOR ISABEL AND VINNY ♪

♪ TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT FOR ISABEL AND VINNY ♪

♪ WHOO, ISABEL, WHOO, VINNY ♪

♪ TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT FOR ISABEL AND VINNY ♪ THE COAST IS CLEAR.

I THINK WE CAN GET AWAY NOW.

BY THIS TIME TOMORROW, WE'LL BE IN TENNESSEE AND MARRIED.

WE GOT TO GET BACK TO MY CAR BEFORE THEY GET BACK.

LET'S GO.

I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

I LOVE THAT WE'RE TRICKING OUR PARENTS.

THEY THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

YEAH. WHO NEEDS THEM? WE GOT EACH OTHER.

SHOULD WE NOT BE GOING?

WE GOT TIME.

♪ ISABEL AND VINNY GONNA DO THE WILD THING ♪

♪ ISABEL AND VINNY GONNA DO THE WILD THING ♪

♪ WHOO, ISABEL, WHOA, VINNY ♪

♪ WHOO, ISABEL, WHOA, VINNY ♪ AH...

ISABEL: NOT MARILYN! OH, MY CAKE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I SWEAR!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH!

IT'S OK. HERE. I'M GOING TO HELP YOU.

OOH...OH! OH!

AAH!

ADELE: THE WEDDING IS RUINED.

MY LIFE IS OVER.

THE MALACICIS DID THIS!

LET'S GO TEACH THOSE ASS WIPES A LESSON!

NOBODY MAKES A JERK OUT OF MY BABY ISABEL!

I'LL KILL THEM! I'LL KILL THEM!

OOH...CANNOLI CREME.

MR. FASULI: IF I GET MY HANDS ON THEM, I'LL MASH THEM, I'LL BASH THEM, I'LL PULVERIZE THEM!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS WEDDING COST ME?

22,500! WITHOUT THE BAND!

GET THEM!

GET EVERY FRIGGIN' ONE OF THEM!

GET THOSE BASTARDS!

I SAVED 15 YEARS FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL WEDDING, SINCE HER FIRST HOLY COMMUNION!

GIVE ME A HAND.

LET'S KNOCK THEIR NEW SMOKEHOUSE OVER ON ITS ASS!

READY, HEAVE!

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

HEAVE!

WE GOT THEM! WE GOT THEM!

I THINK I PULLED SOMETHING.

[COUGHING]

WHERE'S THE DOOR?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK WE'RE SITTING ON IT.

OW!

OK, LET'S NOT PANIC.

I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

[SNIFFING]

GAS. A LINE MUST BE BROKEN.

HELP! HELP!

HELP!

ROSARIO: SOMEBODY HELP US, PLEASE!

PLEASE! MAMA! PAPA!

MOMMY! DADDY! HELP, PLEASE!

MAMA!

[SIRENS]

AAH!

GINA IS GONE! SHE LEFT THIS NOTE!

"DEAR PARENTS, "WE DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT EACH OTHER.

"FORGIVE US FOR WHAT WE ARE DOING.

"ROSARIO AND GINA.

LOVE IS FOREVER IN LIFE AND DEATH."

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

IT'S ROSARIO'S HANDWRITING!

OH, HE CAN'T MEAN SUICIDE!

YOU HAVE TO FIND OUR CHILDREN!

YOU MUST FIND THEM!

JIMMY, PUT OUT AN APB ON THEM.

THEY CAN'T HAVE GONE FAR.

COULD THE BIRD--

COULD THE BROKEN WING MEAN--

LOOK, WE GOT TO GO FIND THEM.

COME ON!

HELP! HELP!

HELP!

CONTESSA: IF THEY DIE, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

BLESSED MOTHER, MIKEY AND I AND OUR NEW ACQUAINTANCES, THE COUNT AND CONTESSA MALACICI, ASK YOU TO PLEASE BRING OUR CHILDREN HOME SAFELY.

I'LL GO TO CHURCH EVERY WEEK.

I GO WITH YOU!

OH, GINA!

IT'S NO USE.

I CAN'T FIND THE LEAK.

I REGRET ANY MOMENT I'VE LIVED WITHOUT YOU.

WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER IN THE AFTERLIFE.

ALWAYS.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

HELP!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

HELP! HELP!

MICHAEL.

WHAT?

I PROMISE, IF THE CHILDREN ARE ALL RIGHT, WE WILL DIVIDE THE NEIGHBORHOOD IN EQUAL PART.

I WILL GO AFTER ONLY THE UPPER ECHELON, AND YOU WILL GO AFTER THE PEOPLE OF YOUR LEVEL.

YOU'RE A REAL FAIR GUY FOR A BIG SNOB.

I THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SADIE: PLEASE, DEAR GOD, SEND SOMEBODY TO GUIDE US.

LOOK! QUICK, STOP THE CAR!

MONA?

I'VE BEEN PRAYING FOR YOU.

IT'S A MIRACLE THAT YOU HEARD ME.

BOTH OF YOUSE KIDS IS IN DANGER.

BUT DOESN'T THE BLESSED ROSCOE KNOW WHERE THEY ARE?

THE BLESSED ROSCOE CAN'T HELP YOU.

YOU ARE CREATING THE MEANING TO YOUR LIFE.

YOU GOT THE POWER HERE.

YOU WILL FIND THEM, WITH THIS.

THIS?

YES!

THIS AND THIS AND THIS AIN'T ENOUGH ANYMORE.

NOW GO! YOUSE AIN'T GOT A SECOND TO LOSE.

GO!

PIERO: WHERE ARE WE TO GO?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE AIN'T GOT A SECOND TO WASTE.

[MONA CHANTING]

HELP...

[FAINTLY] HELP.

PIERO: WE HAVE BEEN AROUND THIS NEIGHBORHOOD 3 TIMES.

NOW WE MUST GO BACK, CHECK WITH THE POLICE!

A LITTLE LONGER, PLEASE.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THEM WITH THIS.

OW!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. I FELL DOWN. I HURT MY ARM.

I THINK YOUR ARM IS BROKEN.

MIKE.

WHAT?

MIKE, IT'S ME!

IT'S ME!

I'M THE BIRD WITH THE BROKEN WING.

I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE HEALED.

WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT.

THEY'RE NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE.

IT'S ME THAT WANTED TO DIE FROM LOSING HIM.

THEY... THEY'RE ELOPING.

PIERO, TURN THE CAR AROUND.

THEY'RE IN DANGER!

I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID THEY'RE JUST ELOPING.

MAYBE THEY WERE, BUT NOW THEY'RE IN DANGER.

LOOK. LOOK AT THE CLOUD.

DON'T YOU SEE THE SNORTING DRAGONS?

PIERO: I DON'T SEE THE CLOUDS.

WHAT IS A SNORTY DRAGON?

PIERO, TURN THE CAR AROUND.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

THUS WITH A KISS, I DIE.

SADIE: THEY'RE HERE.

THEY'RE HERE. THEY'RE HERE. AAH!

MIKE: WHERE? WHERE ARE THEY?

THEY'RE HERE SOMEWHERE. I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL IT, NOT JUST HERE... OR HERE...OR HERE, BUT--BUT HERE!

OVER HERE! THIS WAY! THIS WAY!

WHICH WAY? THIS WAY?

THIS WAY! THIS WAY!

PIERO: WHICH WAY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

NO! OVER HERE!

[SHOUTING]

SHH. SHH.

LISTEN.

I HEAR SOMETHING.

I SMELL GAS.

THE SMOKEHOUSE!

[PARENTS SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

MIKE: THEY GOT TO BE IN THERE.

WE GOT IT! WE GOT IT! PUSH IT DOWN!

MIKE: PULL IT OPEN!

OUCH.

[FAINTLY] Help.

LET ME OUT OF HERE.

PIERO: PUSH AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO. PULL.

PUSH.

OPEN THE DOOR. WHERE'S THE DOOR?

PULL.

[CLANG]

OH, GOD.

[CONTESSA SPEAKING ITALIAN]

ROSARIO: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

JESUS. I'M SO SORRY.

[GINA CRYING]

WHERE AM I?

YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL.

THIS, I THINK, YOU'LL GET A BIG KICK OUT OF.

YOU'RE ON SEDATIVES, JUST LIKE THE BIRD.

HA HA HA.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE OK, SADIE.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN INDISPOSABLE WITHOUT YOU, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW, MIKEY.

I AM SO HAPPY YOU'RE LOOKING SO WELL, SADIE.

PIERO: FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL, I WANT TO THANK YOU THAT YOU FIND THE CHILDREN.

YOU ARE VERY SPIRITUAL.

THANK YOU, PIERO.

I'M SORRY FOR ACTING SO...NUTSY WITH YOU.

YOU FORGIVE US?

THAT'S WHAT MOTHERS ARE FOR, HUH?

WE WERE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED, BUT WE BELIEVE THE EXPERIENCE HAS GROWN US UP.

WE WANT TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE WE BELIEVE THE MEANING FOR YOU SAVING US IS SO THAT WE COULD BE TOGETHER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MONSIGNOR?

AT 16...SEXUALITY OVERWHELMS OTHER FEELINGS.

CAN THEY LOVE THEMSELVES ENOUGH SO THEY CAN LOVE EACH OTHER MORE?

ANOTHER MYSTERY, MONSIGNOR, HUH?

MIKE?

I VOTE YES BECAUSE THEY GOT US OVER A BARREL.

MARIA? PIERO?

ONE MOMENTS, PLEASE, EH?

[SPEAKING SOFTLY IN ITALIAN]

[VOICES GROWING LOUDER]

PIERO!

[SPEAKING SOFTLY IN ITALIAN]

[MARIA SIGHS]

THEY ARE IN LOVE. THAT IS A FACT.

WE AGREE TO THE MARRIAGE.

EEE! HA HA HA!

UNDER THIS CONDITION...

THE APPETIZER AND THE PASTA WILL BE AT YOUR CATERING HALL.

THE ENTREE AND THE DESSERT WILL BE AT OUR CATERING HALL, AND THERE WILL BE NO SMOKE EFFECT, OR THE DEAL IS OFF!


BEFORE WE BEGIN OUR CEREMONY, ROSARIO AND GINA HAVE WRITTEN THEIR OWN VOWS, AND THEY'D LIKE TO MAKE THEM AT THIS TIME.

I'M SURE THE MARRIAGE IS GOING TO MATURE THEM REAL FAST, AND EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER WEAR CLOTHES THAT YOU DON'T THINK I LOOK GOOD IN.

AND I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU THE SPACE TO PLAY YOUR KIND OF MUSIC.

SADIE: AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT ON DRUGS, EXCEPT FOR EACH OTHER.

I'D LIKE TO THANK MY PARENTS FOR MAKING IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO GO TO PARIS WITH GINA FOR 4 YEARS TO STUDY ACTING AT THE COMEDIE-FRANCAISE DURING THE DAY AND CORDON BLEU FOR COOKING AT NIGHT.

GINA: AND MY PARENTS, FOR ALLOWING ME TO STUDY BALLET AND ARCHAEOLOGY AND FOR SUPPORTING ME AND ROSARIO WHILE WE FIND OURSELVES.

[SINGING OPERA IN ITALIAN]

I HOPE THEY'RE GOING TO BE HAPPY, MIKEY.

IF THEY'RE NOT...

IT'S REALLY NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

[SOBBING]

SADIE: I FIGURED IT OUT.

"LOVE IS ALL THERE IS"

MEANS THAT LOVE IS REAL, LOVE IS THE IMMORTAL SOUL.

SO IF YOU'RE A PARENT, YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

AND "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH" MEANS THAT EVEN IF YOUR KIDS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING, IF YOU'RE A GOOD PARENT, YOU SAY, "IT'S OK. IT'S YOUR LIFE."

WE RELEASE THESE DOVES, AND OUR LOVE SOARS WITH THEM.

SADIE: I THINK THE BIRDS BEING SO HEALTHY AND HAPPY MEANS THAT THE KIDS ARE GOING TO BE, TOO.

I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

LOVELY.

MONA: AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER TILL LAST THURSDAY AROUND 3:00, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.


MAN: ♪ I SAW YOUR FACE

♪ THE FACE OF LOVE

♪ AND, ANGEL, YOU ARE LOVE

♪ AND LOVE, IT'S REAL

♪ IT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS

♪ I COULDN'T LOOK

♪ I COULDN'T THINK

♪ WITH YOU, I KNEW

♪ I COULDN'T WINK AT LOVE

♪ I SAW YOUR FACE

♪ THE FACE OF LOVE

♪ AND, ANGEL, YOU ARE LOVE

♪ AND LOVE, IT'S REAL

♪ IT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS WOMAN: ♪ I COULDN'T MOVE

♪ I COULDN'T RUN AWAY

♪ NOR MOVE OR SPEAK

♪ PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK WITH LOVE

♪ I SAW YOUR FACE

♪ THE FACE OF LOVE

♪ AND, ANGEL...

MAN: ♪ YOU ARE LOVE TOGETHER: ♪ AND LOVE, IT'S REAL

♪ IT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS

♪ I COULDN'T LOOK

♪ I COULDN'T THINK

♪ WITH YOU, I KNEW

♪ I COULDN'T WINK AT LOVE

♪ I SAW YOUR FACE WOMAN: ♪ THE FACE OF LOVE TOGETHER: ♪ AND, ANGEL, YOU ARE LOVE

♪ AND LOVE, IT'S REAL

♪ IT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY MGM/UA HOME ENTERTAINMENT INC.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

WOMAN: ♪ THE EARTH QUAKED BENEATH ME ♪

♪ AND I CAME TO LIFE

♪ THE MOMENT I SAW YOUR FACE

♪ I WANTED TO YELL

♪ I'M UNDER YOUR SPELL

♪ I'M DREAMING OF SWEET EMBRACE ♪

♪ YOU SURE CAUSED A FUROR

♪ YOUR AURAS ALLURE

♪ YOUR SPARKLE, YOUR CHARM AND GRACE ♪

♪ I FELL IN LOVE

♪ CRAZY IN LOVE

♪ THE MOMENT I SAW YOUR FACE