Love or Whatever (2012) Script

So what happened after that?

I was attacked.

I am so sorry.

By a mountain lion.

Oh my God.

Big, muscular guy.

The park ranger said he was attracted to my perfume.

You know, I smelled that when you came in.

It was very unusual. What is it?

Mountain lion urine.


Have you ever been taken from behind by a mountain lion?

I cannot say that I have.

It wasn't half bad.

We're going to need a lot more sessions.

This changed me, Corey!

He dragged me to his cave!

I've had worse dates.

So, two times a week?

I never knew it could be like that.

His tongue was like sandpaper.

He polished me down there.

Like a bowling ball.

Let's make it three.

* * *

[Locks door]

Oh yes, yes!


Almost, almost... yes! Yes!

Was it worth the wait?

Here - buy yourself something pretty.

Oh - but hurry home, sweetie.

I don't want to miss "Housewives."

Yes, dear.

Excuse me - may I help you?

I'd like to make an appointment.

* * *


Hey, buddy, you got a little change?

Actually, I gave at the office.

Really, coffee business is that bad?

Are you finally gonna do it?

I have the rings right here.

You've been carrying them around for three months!

What are you waiting for, man-opause?

I'll do it before I'm 30!

Three more months? Whatever!

It's got to be perfect!

I actually have it all mapped out.

As usual!

Kelse, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Not for our parents.

Well, thank God I'm not our parents!

You're right, our parents would never wear...


Shut up!

Poor little baby zebra, Oh, I bet his mommy misses it!

I actually freed the zebra, about an hour ago.

At the office? Dirty little whore!

I know, it's unprofessional, But my heart was in the right place.

Yeah, that's not your heart.

I believe it's connected to my heart.

This "perfect moment" thing has gone on long enough!

If you don't ask him tonight, I'm going to ask him for you.

Don't, please, you're going to mess it up.

I will if you make me!

Ow, seriously?

I'm going to call him at 6:00 AM.

Either I'll say congratulations, Or I'm popping the question.

Okay! I'll ask... him.

I'll ask him!

Tonight? Pinky swear!

Don't wait for the perfect moment.

Sometimes love happens when you're making other plans.

I don't, uh... believe in zebras.

Thongs, I don't wear...

I hooked dad up with some stuff to take care of it...

Babe, I'm home!

Yeah mom, I'll tell him... Yeah, I'll tell him.

Mom says to tell you that she loves you.

And that the housewives are shameless hussies.

Well, you tell that hussy I love her too.

And dad!

He loves you, too. And dad.

Yeah, dad, just as a friend.

[Hangs up]

Hey, where's dinner, I thought you were going to make That French cuisine thing.

Pigeon... foie gras!

The market was fresh out of pigeon.

And I made brownies.

What are you, like, 15?

From scratch, I'm not a savage!

There's an order to the food universe.

Brownies are reserved for special occasions.

Parties, birthdays...

Well, we'll party on your birthday, then.

I've got soccer practice, 7:30.


Relax - mama ordered us a pizza.

Well, I'm starving. It better get here soon.

I've got something you can snack on.

Oh, baby!

[Sheep ringtone]

I have to take this.

I've got something you have to take...

Give it a rest, this is a client!

It's always a client.

Five minutes.

Hello? Okay, calm down...

No, it's fine that you called.


Woah, slow down! Deep breaths...

Tell me what happened... deep breaths...

Okay, go to your happy place, somewhere tropical...


My wallet is in my coat pocket!

Alright, where are you? Keep breathing...


No it isn't! Yes it is!

Keep breathing... Positively fantasize, good.

And call me back in five minutes.

Alright, okay, bye.


You gonna get that?

Oh, shoot, I'm sorry, I know you hate it when I do that.

My wallet's actually right here, in my...


Hey! Jumbo extra sausage?

Yes, please!

You're not the regular guy.

Yeah, Jimbo hurt his back.

I can see why.

Do I smell brownies?

Yeah - just, how much is this gonna cost me?

It's all good, bro, I just need to see the card.

Alright, thank you guys so much.

Have a good night.

[Door slams]

"It's all good, bro?" What an asshole!

What's gotten into you?

I'm more worried about who's getting into you.

Why are you always flirting with these straight guys?

I wasn't flirting, he just wasn't what I expected.

I put the tip on the card.

What were the ones for, a lap dance?

Woah, are you jealous?

Of the pizza guy?

I'd better get to practice, I want to get an early start.

There's some new plays I need to learn, and...

But we had plans - it was date night.

You had plans.

* * *

Keep that coming, my man!

I hate these places.

A friend told me I should get out more often.

You know, be more social.

With a rack like that, you don't exactly look Like you have a hard time making friends.


If you were hitting on me, that's not a good open.


It's been a long time since I've, uh...

Fifteen years. Fifteen years?!


Fifteen years ago, I was like still...

Okay, I'm going to stop you Before you tell me how old you were when Kurt Cobain died.

Who's Kurt Cobain?

Look at you!

I asked for that.

Let's start over. Let me buy you a drink.

They're real. What?!

Jesus, where have you been, in prison?

In a relationship that didn't involve boobs!

Yeah, me too!


Boom! Boom!

Boobs! Boobs!

And then, I got... I got married.

When I was 23. Biggest mistake of my life.

I mean, he seemed perfect. He was a musician.

He had lots of money.

And I was so hot!

And now, I'm alone, and...

And you're still hot!

I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

You'd be surprised.

Okay... sailor!

Surprise me!

* * *


Oh my... what?!

[Car horn]

Hey, slow... Jesus Christ!

I'm not a grudge fuck!

Where'd you go?

Where were you just now?

Usually you look into my eyes, it's my favorite thing.

It's when I feel most connected to you.

I'm sorry, it...

Are you still made about the pizza guy?

God no, I'm sorry for being such a prick.

No - it was all me.

All the pheremones, and the brownies, and...

The sausage fumes, I just lost my head.

Look, this was a trainwreck night.

Let's forget it happened. Definitely.

[Text message tone]

I think I know something that might make it better.

There's something I need to tell you.

Corey... Jon...

Will you marry me? I think I'm bisexual.

What? You're... wait.

You think you're - oh honey, why would you think that?

What did you do?

It's more of a "who."

You cheated?!

Calm down, it's not like I planned it, it just...

Happened, and she was there...

SHE?! You put your... in a...

There is no way, there is no fucking way.

Come on, you know I dated girls in high school.

Bullshit! I date girls in high school.

We watched Buffy, And french-kissed posters of James Van Der Beek.

Yeah, well on my dates, we didn't watch Buffy!

How are you bi?

You're like the least curious person I've ever known.

Would you just listen?

No, I have literally no idea who you are right now!

And who is this woman, that you allegedly fucked?

And does she know you're gay?

Or maybe, like... flexi-sexual.

I'm not sure yet! I don't want to define it!

Oh Jesus, no, that would mean you'd have to make A commitment!

And there it is - you have been pressuring me, And nagging me, and suffocating me...

So this is my fault? I turned you bi?

I was upset!

I was drunk, and upset, and I had... these feelings!

Oh God no, feelings!

And these rings, and the pizza guy, and you're always busy...

Woah... rings?

You knew?

Baby, I love you... Don't touch me.

You knew I was going to propose to you.

And you did this.

I've got to hand it to you, mister.

That is the most creative fucking way I've ever heard of avoiding a proposal.

They are going to love this at the gay bridal shop!

I was scared, okay? I found them and freaked out.

Everything just started closing in on me!

Oh God, save me from happiness!

Christ, I'm only 27!

I'm not ready to become my goddamn parents, That's not what I want.

Then what do you want?

I don't know!

I don't have to fucking know every moment!

Every second of the rest of my doesn't need To be planned out already!

Well maybe you should try it some time!

If you planned harder, maybe you wouldn't be some...

Part-time, low-rent gym trainer, Who tripped and fell into some pussy On the most important night of his life!

Yeah, maybe it is. What?

The most important night of my life, the night I woke up.

To your love of seafood?

To you. Just go!

You want out, you get your wish!

I'm going.

Good - and take that AC/DC bullshit with you.

And don't come back until you're gay again!

Don't hold your breath.

[Door slams, rings clattering]

[Alarm clock]

* * *


Come in...


Come innnnn...

Come innnnnn!

Veggie Delight?

More like veggie despair!

Oh. No brownies this time, huh?

I gave them up. They're bad for me.

I'm on a cleanse.

Pizza cleanse? I want in on that.


I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a mess.

No, don't worry - this one's on me.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

No, I know. But I want to.

I mean, hey - we're practically buds, It's the least I can do.

I do deserve a break today.

Bon appetit!

Feel better, okay?

I always hated that douche.

For two years, you've been telling me, "Jon is so great! You should totally marry him!"

And now he's a douche?

Whatever! Fuckin' "Jon."

J-O-N. Where's his fucking "H?"

Never date a guy who doesn't know how to spell His own name.

You loved him, and you know it.

Don't remind me!


Are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Here we go.

I am allergic!

You're not allergic, you just hate it, there's a difference.

If I get around peanut butter, I'm going to swell up Bigger than Precious!

Crisis averted.

I just wanted it to be perfect.

The white picket fence... the onyx dishwasher...

The brushed aluminum gourmet vintage melon baller.

You know what? Love is a delusional state.

Oh God, dial it back, Black Swan.

Life is a delusional state.

It's been a week, he should be home by now.

I didn't actually think he was going to leave.

When you kicked him out? Shut up.

If he doesn't come back, I'm moving in!

Fine, okay, whatever.

* * *

I'm so glad you made it in, finally.

It's been two months!

I thought you moved.

I don't even know where to begin!

I mean, it's been... such a whirlwind!

A good whirlwind, I hope?

I met this guy... Excellent, tell me.

Yeah - I took your advice!

I went out with the girls, and we ended up at a bar.

He was so awkward, you know? And like... cute!

Muscly! And, um...

He was really into me.

Melissa, how did that make you feel?


You don't know what it's like to be alone, and then...

Suddenly be wanted.

Well, tell me about him.

He's younger.


He's a personal trainer.

He's an athlete. An amazing cook!

God, he makes the most unbelievable brownies!



Corey! Hi. Corey.

Yes! Melissa. Hi.

I was, I was... just lost in a thought, for a moment.

Boy, this guy sounds like quite a catch!

You sure there's not someone else in his life?

Oh, no - God, believe me!

We talked, about everything.

He's very open.

Actually, the other night he told me he'd Been with both boys and girls.

So he's bisexual?

Um, he didn't want to call it that, no.

He said something like... "sexy flexible?"


Yeah! Oh! That didn't bother you?

No! Just a little?

No! Just a little bit annoying?

Why would it bother me? I mean, we all have a history.

I experimented with girls in college.

Now you're not - we'll get back to that.

Now, you're not worried that he's, in the future, Just going to up and leave you for another guy?

I'm not worried about anything.

For the first time in my life.

He's really into me. And I'm really into him.

That's all I need for now.

You even said: stop obsessing! And live in the moment!

That's really good advice.

I like my boobs now! That's great.

Yeah, because, um, well...

He's a boob man! No he's not... is he?

He loves boobs!

He's probably an ass man, too.

I told her I was glad I could help.

She needs me, she's so vulnerable.

She needs me for support.

You just want to pump her for information.

Okay, okay, I'll refer her to another therapist.

I'll be out of town until they break up.

What if they don't?

So, who is this guy?

Online Love Match. I have three matches!

Three? I'm surprised!

You're surprised I could get three matches?

I'm surprised there are three guys using onine dating.

The guys at the cafe all use that smartphone gaydar.

Oh, Grindr? I don't need Grindr.

I have three smokin'-hot guys on the hook already.

When are you seeing all these smokin'-hot guys?


What, all at once? You're not that limber!

Not all at once.

I've scheduled them in 30 minute increments, 10 minutes apart. The site recommended it, They said it's very...

Crazy! Efficient.

I just want to kiss someone on my birthday!

One of these guys has to work out.

Which reminds me - what do you want for your birthday?

I mean, besides cock.


It sounds so wrong coming out of your mouth.

So, who's the first guy?

25. Gorgeous. Male model.

Oh, you should see his picture.

Very glamorous.

Liberace took that photo of me by his pool At his villa in Palm Springs.

Your profile said you were 25?

Yes, I was 25! When Liberace took that photo.

Of course, now I deal in antiques.

You do like antiques, don't you, Corey?

I... am not sure.

Oh, well you should, dear boy!

I mean, just today, I took in a fine Chippendale That's centuries old!

Of course, the drawers are sagging a bit, And the poor, dried-out knobs!

Practically falling off.

But there's nothing quite as satisfying As spending hour after hour Lovingly polishing old wood.

Working the moisture into those musty cracks.

So, when your profile said "twice the man..."

Identical twins. Yeah.

We'll have you coming and going.

Well, fellas...


This is a lot to take in.

Oh, don't worry. We'll make it fit.


Wow, you're really great.

This is a relief - to go out with a normal guy Who actually looks like his profile picture.

Oh my God! Tell me about it.

So, Kyle - tell me about yourself.

I saw on your profile you have a son?

I do. Would you like to meet him?

Sure - I mean, definitely, yeah, at some point.

Well, I mean I ordinarily like to take it slow, But I don't know, this just feels...


Why wait?

Corey, meet Gary.


Are you gonna be my new daddy?

I'm a growing boy, and I need a strong male role model.

Wow, okay, so you're a puppeteer!

That is so great.


It's happening again. He's just like all the others.

He doesn't think I'm real.

You know how ANGRY I get when people don't think I'm real...

I get all STABBY!

[Gary screaming]

No, Corey's not like all the others!

Are you, Corey?

No no, I'm not like all the others!


This has been really nice - you're so good with Gary.

I'll call you!


He was so cute.

Do you suppose I could get conjugal visits?

With him, or the puppet?

I am officially destined to be alone forever.

For the love of - would you give me your phone?


Is your password still "Dongmaster82?"

Wow, just tell the whole world, why don't you?

Here you go. Welcome to the 21st Century.

Have fun!

Have fun with what?

Oh! Oh...

Maybe... yes!

Ooh, a fireman!

I'm 200 feet away from a fireman!

I bet I got some matches around here somewhere.

Do not set fire to my cafe!

Okay, buzzkill.

No, no... ooh, maybe.

No, no!

Oh, yeah... oh my God, yes!


It's him, it's him! He's gay!

And single. Who?

I have to go, he's 100 feet away, on the move!

* * *

I zigged, when I should've zagged.

Did you catch the fireman?


What's better than a fireman?

A pizza guy.

Did you hit your head or something?

It says he's looking for

"Friendship, love, or whatever."

That's very specific.

Hey - I know this guy! Pete!

Triple Venti soy caramel macchiato!

He comes to Thursday night Poetry Night.

He's a great read.

Well I love poetry! You? Since when?

Since... what time is it now?

People look at me like being a lesbian is a fashion craze, When being a lesbian is my TRUTH!

I lick vagina, and I LOVE IT!


My aching sadness echoes endlessly, Like the DRIP, DRIP, DRIP of the raindrops flow.

My bitter tears bleed, down in the puddles Of the cruel, cracked streets!

[Grindr message tone]

My heart... MENSTRUATES Looooong and loney Under the hangdog moon BELOOOOW!

[Grindr message tones]

My lithe loins birth a pale horse.

[Grindr message tones]

Born of bitter PAIN and WOOOOOEEEE!

[Grindr message tones]

[Corey and Pete laughing]



That's my sister!

Kelsey? Yeah Oh man, she's really cool.

She taught me how to read.

My first book was "Our Bodies, Ourselves."

Where are you going?

And now, everybody, here's Pete!

Here's Pete, everybody! Thank you.


There is a place beyond desire, Beyond wanting and need.

We join, man to man, hand to hand, Strength to strength.

Forever in you, forever in me.

Thank you.



[Corey claps, then snaps]

I've never seen you at this thing before!

Are you a poetry lover?

Well, I... not exactly.

I'm a little behind on my reading.

Why, what's the last thing you read?

"Poor Little Bitch Girl," by Jackie Collins.

So you're into the classics. Definitely.

I'm just a lit nerd, I've always got my face in a book.

I even write a little bit. Nice!

Not what you expected?

Well, when it comes to you, I'm learning to expect the unexpected.

My uncle actually owns the pizzeria.

Once his heart started going bad, I had to help out.

Besides, grad school's a little pricey.

I had no idea.

Hey, do you think you'd want to go to...

[Phone ringing]

Oh, duty calls! I've actually gotta run.

But, I'd love to talk some more sometime.

Yeah - you know where to find me.

Sure do! Alright, I'll see you soon.

I'm... Corey.

She's pretty. Yeah, she was.

What's her name?

Ask me a question I can answer.

Um, your name?

So, you bag that poetic Paisano yet?

Who, Pete? No. I...

He wouldn't be interested in me, not really.

Are you kidding me?

I saw the way he looked at you.

Yeah, and you also saw what happened with Jon!

How do I know this guy's even gay?

He's on Grindr! He's gay enough.

Get on that thing and grind!

So, the divorce is finally taken care of.

So how are you doing with the, um... boyfriend?

I'm surpised I can even walk.


I pulled a hamstring. We went hiking.

How, um... how is he?

What do you mean?

What do I mean? I mean...

I mean, how is he with... all of this.

Oh, well - he's the best I've ever had.

He is like... one of those army knives.

Of sexual positions.

I meant more feelings, but...

I literally had no idea some of these sexual positions Even existed.

The Tokyo Swirl.

The Slap Chop!

God, that was a scary one!

The Bird of Paradise.

One-Legged King Pigeon.

From the side!

I... I don't need to...

Downward-Facing Dong.

One time, we even did it on my desk.


I know, right?

I'm starting to get a little bit of a migraine.

[Text message tone]

Ooh, I think that's him! Speak of the devil.

Oh, he wants tacos.

[Text message tone]

No, wait - hot dogs! He can never decide!

Yeah, listen -

I am going to be really booked-up For the next few weeks.

There's a... conference.

So my colleague is going to fill in for me.

All you have to do is call her.

Her number's right here.

And she's going to take great care of you.

Well, I'll try.

But after being with you, Anybody else is a pretty poor substitute.

Looks like your ball's hurting.

You don't know the half of it.


Woah, collision!

Oh, the humanity!

Man, I did not expect to see you here.

Yeah, obviously.

I sent your goodies flying everywhere.

So sorry - wow, this is a lot of pretzels!

204 - not that I've counted.

Two hundred and...?

Four. Each time, every time.

If there's less than that, I take them back.

What if there's more?

Just hold tight - I'll grab another bag.

I'll be right back.

I just lost count - what number am I on?



Down the hatch, 78!

[Grindr message tones]


Yeah, you know me, Mr. Love.

It's probably just my sister punking me again.

I've actually met a lot of cool people on that.

Mainly I just use it to connect with friends, And people I care about.

What about you? Do you hook up often?

Me? Uh, me?

You know, like once or twice a... day? decade. Day-cade.

Yeah right! What about you?

I guess I'm just a little bit of a romantic.

I just want to allow things to happen.

Besides, love can't be planned, right?

Right? Right! Me too.

Planning, pshh! I don't even believe in that.

Like for example, my birthday's coming up In a few weeks, I'm super casual about it.

I'm not even going to celebrate it.

Oh, come on! You have to celebrate!


Well, if it's not too forward, do you want to do Something together?

Please tell me you don't have a puppet.

What? Or a twin.

I'm an only child, and puppets kind of give me the creeps.

Me too... now.

You're sure you're really gay?

I checked... really thoroughly.

See, you're funny, too!

Why aren't you married, or taken, Or being ravaged by 100 guys a night?

I doubt I could keep up with 100, but I don't know.

The first day or two would be fun!

But after that... Shut up.

You want the truth? Yeah.

I just really haven't had time.

My uncle requires a lot of care.

Relationships can just be so... complicated. Oh yeah.

I'll give you a dollar if you can catch this in your mouth.

Bring it on!

Ahh, no!

So, Bill was pouring the rum, And I said to him, "Well yes, I would like a little Captain in me."

So he rolled me over, bent me over that big space chair, And we went at it - warp speed ahead!

Completely out of the blue?

Completely out of the blue.

Some of the best times I've ever had Are completely out of the blue.

You've got to roll with the changes.

Leap before you look sometimes!

Bone a spaceman or two!

So, what's my penance?

Millie, we've been over this. You know I'm not a priest.

Besides, there's no crime in giving yourself over To the love of... a starship captain... commander.

All of them!

That's a relief.

You should hear what I did to Dr. Spork!


All this for lunch?

My cleaning lady's a klepto.

Sure you're not just addicted to work?

Hey, I'll do the analyzing around here, mister!

Where are we going? That's a surprise.

I'm not super-big on surpises.

You're going to like this one.

Wow... so this is lunch?

It's no fancy restaurant, I know.

But I wanted to share this with you.

Oh God, It's beautiful!


And I cannot stand that word, but this is truly...


It's my refuge.

It makes me feel centered.

No matter what's going on, Everything's going to be alright.

I need to feel that.

Look, I know you've been hurt, and I don't want to...

That was all in the past.

I was with my ex for a long time.

I knew it was over before he did.

When a man loves you, it's right there in his eyes.

When he looks at you, You can tell you're like breathing to him.

Hey, let's chow down!

I've got some great food for us.

* * *


Yeah. I should probably get going.


I might want to be too...

* * *

A three-layer birthday ice cream cake That says, "Happy Birthday Corey."

Big old letters!

No, no, that's "Corey," with an E-Y.

Okay, Friday? That's perfect, Yes, I'm sure Corey's going to be very surprised.

Look at you, the hot mess express!


I'm so proud of you!

You've come so far from the tight-ass lunatic I grew up with.

I'm pretty much Mr. Adventure now.

Don't get hung up on labels.

Friendship, love, or... whatever.


Which reminds me...

I want to talk to you about the birthday schedule.

I need you to be out of the house midnight The night before, So I can get my birthday kiss from Pete.

The following day...

Yeah, I'll read it over.

Please initial where the Xs are.

Freak! I was kidding!

I doubt it.

I emailed you a copy.

See you next week!

Corey! Hi, do you have a minute?

Hi Melissa - no, I'm on my way out.

It'll just take five minutes.

I didn't have anyone else to turn to, And you're the only one that would understand.

Come on in.

I'm sorry to corner you like this, it's just I called that referral you gave me!

And she wouldn't understand!

It's my boyfriend.

I think...

He's cheating.

This is the, uh... bisexual guy?

"Flexi." Really? Still?

That's okay.

Why do you think he's being unfaithful?

Um, I don't know if unfaithful is the word.

Um, I don't know exactly HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS!

I just... Okay, slow down.

Take it easy. Tell me what he did.

We've been arguing, and he keeps making these excuses To not be with me.

He just looks at me differently.


What? How did you know I was here?

I... I saw your minivan.

I'm sorry about earlier. Can we talk?

Well... yeah!

Corey, thank you, so much.

I didn't mean to take advantage of you, I appreciate you listening.

I really appreciate our friendship.

Who died? I'll take a shot of whiskey.

Why will no one just order coffee?

I've tried your coffee.

Speaking of which, I need to talk to you.

I'm like, having some cash flow issues.

Hey! You ready?

It's really important!

Kelse, whatever it is, it can wait til tonight.

We don't need to rush off. We can hang loose.

No, we can't, we're on a schedule.

The movie starts in a half hour.

So we get there a little late. What's the big deal?

The tickets are non-refundable.

You know what? Fine. Enjoy your movie.

You didn't need to leave her like that.

She sounds like she needs to talk to you.

Honeslty, I don't want to hear about Anyone else's feelings today.

Isn't that kind of your job?

Yeah, well - I'm off the clock.

It was nothing like the preview.

I thought it was pretty good.

You like that highbrow stuff, I just wanted a chick flick.

Something simple. No more surprises.

What are you so wound up today for?

I don't know, okay?

What can I do to make it better?

Just quit being so fucking perfect!

I'm not perfect. I'm far from it.

Oh my God, seriously, what's wrong with you?

Why do you even like me?

What kind of question is that?

A fair one!

You're a great guy, with a good heart.

Yeah and I'm really sweet, and nice, But you know what, I'm not some Pepperoni Adonis who...

Wait, is that how you see me?

Trust me, that's how everyone sees you!

Guys like you...

There's not "guys like me." There's just me.

I'm real. What am I to you?

Just some empty-headed underwear model Who coasts through life on his pecs and glutes?

I didn't say you coast.

Come on, you're like the hottest guy I've ever met!

What could even see in me?!

Don't box me into that. That's not me.

My entire life I've had to deal with people treating me Like a piece of meat.

I didn't expect you to do it, too.

Wow, that sounds really hard.

I'm just going to call it a night.


Call me whenever you get your head together.

Yeah, don't hold your breath.

Lately I find myself walking through the woods With a bunch of raw steaks.


The mountain lion at the zoo got a new mate.

I don't know what he sees in her.

She's just some plain Jane cougar.

That fleabag doesn't know what he needs.


Once you go lion, you never stop tryin'.

Sounds good.

Hell yeah it does.

Wait, what?


On the house.


So I guess you heard?/

He called to cry about it. I hung up on him.

I haven't heard him cry that much since They stopped making Zima.

You and I still cool?

Slam poet code, dude.

That's what I'm talking about.

How long have you had this place?

Three years.

I always wanted a place where freaks, weirdos, Artists, and queers could come get amped up on caffeine And inspiration, and go take on the world.

There's a lot of you in here.

It's home!

Hell, I slept in the kitchen the first year.

Health Department finally kicked me out.


I did this one babe on the counter.

Health inspector walked in Right before I ground her mocha.

I just hope I can hold on to this place.

I'm a people person - but spreadsheets, ugh!

Me too. Money just gives me headaches!

I like my dollars like my women:

Too many to count!

So, are you gonna go over to our place later?

You think he'd want me to?

God yes!

I'm sure he's hanging by the phone, Counting the minutes and the pretzels.


God, he's got you doing it now, too?


He's been planning his midnight kiss since 1985.

You're right.

I have to get the birthday kiss right.

Yeah! No pressure, dude.

Game face!

I gotta get out of here, gotta get to the pizzeria.

Here - take our house key.

He loves surprises!

Thanks, Kelsey.

I said to Bobby, "Let's try it missionary style this time."

You know... "heart to heart."

Millie, have you ever heard of M√ľnchausen Syndrome?

Heard of it? Hell, I invented it.

I just wish I had someone to share it with.

I mean, I wish I had someone special to share it with, For free.

You're kind of like a talk gigolo.

Listen - I've got to go, it's my big 3-0 tomorrow.

Woo-hoo, the big 3-0!

What is that in gay years, 85?


Hey, yeah - those old hard candies, mentholated ointment, Adult diapers! They're all ahead of you!

You know, I remember when I was 30.

I was so set in my ways, so sure of everything.

I didn't know about change.

I didn't know how much fun I could have.

It's about the journey.

The big adventure is just ahead of you!

Just find someone to share it with, and you've got it made.


Of course... I do make things up.


Kelsey: I don't need much!

Just a couple thousand to get me through.


Kelse, I gotta go.

Kelsey: Call me back!

What are you doing?

I came home.

This place is not your home.

We had plans, remember?

The kiss.

I remember a lot of things. Like, your girlfriend.

Where is she?

It's - it's not like that. We have an understanding.

Really? That's not what she says.

Wait - you're not still talking to her?

I have to, Jon! You won't.

Jesus, Corey, that's really unethical.


Tell me a little something about ethics.


I can't help it.

I feel like I can't breathe without you.

Use your inhaler. You always forget.

Sometimes you don't appreciate what you have Until you lose it.

You! I didn't appreciate what I had with you!

I didn't realize.

You do now? Yeah.

No matter how scared I was, No matter how much I wanted or needed, I should've never done anything to hurt you.

I told you not to come back, unless...


I have missed this!

That was a mistake.

A mistake? Are you kidding me?!

This was fucking perfect!

You felt it too, I know you did.

It wasn't you. I just need time.

[Car horn]

You should probably get your clothes and go.


I had Jimbo watch the shop, I didn't want you to miss out On your birthday...

What the fuck, we didn't order a pizza!

Wait a minute... the pizza guy's gay?!

Pete! Don't go!

There is some old lady outside in a minivan About to lose her shit!

Oh fuck, my ride's here!

Your ride?!

What did you expect me to do, walk?

You've got to be fucking kidding me!


Hello, Jon? Are you here?

I've been waiting for half an hour, I've been worried...

Corey?! Hi.

What are you doing here?

He lives here. Alone, from now on.

Jon, Corey - oh my God!

Liss, it's not what it looks like!

It's exactly what it looks like!

Corey, have you been fucking my boyfriend?

Technically, you were fucking my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Really? No.

I can't believe this, I can't believe I trusted you!

Liss, sweetie... I'm talking about him!

Me? What about him?! Oh, thanks.

Wait a minute - he was upfront with me!

He never tried to be a saint... Hi.

He just told me that, um... No! It was you!

I... was trying to protect you.

Well you should've tried harder!

No, Kelse, please don't go!

I needed you tonight, but no!

I've been trying to talk to you for like, a week, But you're too busy, just like always.

Wait, Kelse!

Are you happy? You've totally destroyed My whole fucking life.

Looks like you did that fine on your own!

Lissa, wait...

I bought you these!

I might still have the receipt, And maybe I can get that back.

Baby, wait... Oh, I am not your baby!

And you are not mine! No, you...

Can find a ride home.

Where am I supposed to go?

I don't care!

You two are perfect for each other.

Give me that!

Hey, mom...

* * *

Did you throw up on the stairs?

It looks like a Banksy.

I go in front of the licensing board in a week.

It's supposed to be confidential, but...


Melissa may have mentioned it to a few people...


Hello, internet!

Have you seen this man?!

Don't let him fuck your boyfriend.

Cause you know what?

He might want to FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND!


That's what he is, he's a boyfriend-fucker!

So find him before he fucks your boyfriend!

Wow, that's a happy lady.

52,000 views. Good for you.

Yeah, hating me has gone viral.

That's what happens when they catch you ridin' dirty, hoss!

Aw, don't be gross.

Gross? Gross is walking in, Watching you work your scuzzy ex like a Shake Weight, That's gross!

Oh, whatever. Oh, fuck my life!

What did you end up doing on yor birthday?

Oh, y'know, shotgunned three boxes of Chablis And a case of Mexican-style Aerosol cheez.

Officially, I still hate you.


But unofficially... I'm so sorry.

I know you are. Dumb slut.

Sex with an ex, the dirty dance of death!

His cock should come with a warning label:

"Not to be taken internally."

Right up there.

I'm going home to Tehachapi.

Gonna live in a trailer with mom.

Probably sit out on the porch and play a banjo.

Contemplate messing with tourists.

What about the... It's gone, Corey.

The coffee bar's gone. There's nothing left to do.

I'm going home.

Oh no.

[Phone ringing]

Voicemail: Hey, you've reached Pete, leave a message.

I know, I know you probably hate me, But I want you to know how sorry I am.

About your uncle, and about... what I did.

God, if you were here with me, I would just do...





I'm sorry if I interrupted your phone call.

Pete, I am so sorry.

Please listen, please listen, please...

Look, whatever you have to say, just say it.

I'm sorry I cheated.

I'm sorry for being so selfish.

I'm sorry about the movie.

I'm sorry about being so insane about my birthday.

I'm sorry about hogging all the even-numbered pretzels, It's not fair when I do that.

I'm sorry about...

For the Kennedy assassination?

"I'm sorry about global warming."

And skinny jeans?

Yeah. My fault.

"And most of all..."

I'm really sorry about your uncle.

Yeah, he was a good man.

Look, just forget it. I understand what happened.

Well, that makes one of us.

We had a good start. We had a great start.

I just don't think either one of us were ready.

In these crazy, stressed-out times, it's...

Hard to really know what matters.

I'm leaving town tomorrow. What?

I just came her to say goodbye.

To this place. To my uncle Sal.

No, you can't leave! I can't?

Give me one good reason why.

School. School's out.

Poetry reading? Kelsey's is closed.

Pizzeria! Corey...

Hey, pizza is the lifeblood of our community!

The gayborhood will starve without you!

You don't want that on your conscience, mister.

What about the bears? The bears?

And the otters...

And the twinks... the twinks will be fine.

They don't eat.

Think about...

Look, I'm going to go to Colorado, And then down to New Mexico, maybe Texas.

Just, away.

What does it matter? You matter.

You matter to me.

I might be back at the end of summer.

That is so far away.

Pete... What?

Have a great summer.

[Phone ringing]

Jon, seriously, I do not - I'm not in the mood!

[Phone ringing]

Jon, dammit, for the love of God, I am not going to do the dirty dance of death with...

Oh. Sorry. Yes?

No, this is Corey, her brother, may I...

No, she's out of town.

May I ask what this is in regards to?

Foreclosure auction? Tomorrow at noon?

Tomorrow at noon! Bye-bye!

Tomorrow at noon! Tomorrow at noon!

Well, here's all this crap!

Got a match? I want to burn it.

Well, there's that positive, sunshine-y attitude!

You want to save your place, or not?

Yes, but...

Well then sit back and watch me work my Organizational magic.

Or, as I like to call it... crazy.

This time, "crazy" is going to save your bacon.

Bacon! I'm hungry, let's order pizza!

Better make it Chinese.

I don't understand your system.

The yellow ones are accounts payable, And the white ones are accounts receivable.

These are all yellow!

I ran out of white paper, okay?!

God, this is crazy, they'll never go for it.

According to this, you're not even broke.

When do you send out bills?

I don't like to be a buzzkill, people pay when they can, It's totally cool.

Bankruptcy is not cool!

Are you updating your Twitter?

I am making you a business plan.

I don't have a fucking business plan!

Well, you do now, missy.

Bam! Blam!

Hey, what is this? Just leave it!

This is today! This is in an hour!

Your hearing is in an hour!

So is your auction!

Call them to reschedule!

No, it's too late.

I'll go down there and deal with it after.


Wow! Then I'll learn how to pour coffee.

Oh God, I'd kill myself if I had to work with You every day.

I mean that with love, sweetie.

Come on!

So, who drove you this time? My mom?

Funny. Today's the day, huh?

Yeah, this is it, time to pay the piper.

I'm sorry. I feel really horrible.

Hey, I'm an adult. Today's my fault, not yours.

Okay, I absolve you - go forth and sin some more, my son.

You know if I could do anything to fix it...

That would be a miracle.

I gotta go, I'm going to be late for my own hanging.

Kelse, c'mon!

Why am I the damn pack mule?!

So, as you can see in Schedule C, The projected revenue stream in the first six months Is consistent with growth in small businesses In the area, as foot traffic increases the...

During the late... seasonally, it's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hm. Yep.

I read all of it's... words. Words!

There's a lot of words.

Did I do something wrong?

No, no! It's perfect.

It's anal.

It's loan paperwork, and banking, and it's just... ugh.

It just makes me want to barf.

But you're a loan officer.

That is what I do! That is not who I am!

You know who I am?


[Grindr message tone]

Oh, stop the... you gotta turn it down, turn it down...

Please, please, how do you do it?

Oh, that guy.

I know that guy - that guy came in!

That guy paid off your loan!


Pete paid off our loan?

Yeah! He sold his business.

He closed his account.

He paid off your balance.

With so much money.

So much sexy, sexual, erotic... money.

So what are we...

I love money. Yeah...

Sorry to interrupt - what are we doing here?

I don't know what you're doing here.

But I know what we're doing here.

Dancing. Right? Dancing!

What kind of bank is this?

Oh, shit! I gotta go!

Good luck at the hearing!

I thought he'd never leave!

It's over. They all left.

I need to tell you how sorry I am.

I never meant to... I withdrew the complaint.


A friend of ours told me a story.

What kind of story?

Well, it was a story about this great guy, Whose heart was broken into pieces By this hot, horny, dumb kid, Who was just trying to figure out what he wanted.

How does the story end?

You know, before this whole situation happened, I didn't understand how far you can go When you lose someone you love.

Or sometimes... sometimes not far enough.

Yeah - I see now that you were Trying to get me to see other people.

But I didn't! I didn't do enough.

When my husband left me, I did not have a friend in the world.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

You would've been fine.

No. You helped me get through it.

You helped me get out, and try to rebuild my life.

And it cost you.

You know, I just hope that some day, you find somebody That helps you go through things too.

Whether it be a friend, or a love.

Or whatever.

I gotta go catch him.

Thank you.

Um, okay, so I'll see you around.


Oh, not a chance in hell.

Good call.

* * *

[Crowd cheering]

Dammit, where is he?!

I think you found him.

My whole life, I have waited, So long, for the perfect moment.

The perfect, cookie-cutter life.


If you need to go, go.


But all I want to say, is that when we're together, Every moment is the perfect moment.


Where do you want to go first?



Right now? Right this second?


And I don't know when I'm going to be back!

A few weeks, or a few months...

Or whatever!

Free drinks for all you faggots!


Ugh, smells like junior high!

I love you, sis! Love you more!

Where do you want to go first?

Surprise me.

Let's go!

* * *

Thanks for the ride. No, thank you.

For what?

The ride.

Hey, Kyle! Jon! Great to meet you.

I'm gonna have a new daddy!

Did you say something?