Love, Wedding, Marriage (2011) Script

Ava, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years, and what I'm about to say, I've considered very seriously.

I sound like a lawyer.

I look in your eyes, and I drown in them.

Drown in them?

Babe, you know I'm bad with telling you how I feel.

Will you be my wife?

Will you marry me?

Can we get married?

Ava.

You can do this.

It's, like, the little things that I really love.

I find it so adorable that you can't make a decision without consulting your horoscope.

I love that you watch the same sad movie over and over again, hoping for a happy ending.

I love how you make your coffee.

I love you, Ava, and I don't want to spend another day without knowing if you'll be my wife.

So will you do me this honor?

Will you marry me?

Brittany, Brittany, this is Ryan.

Trust me, you two have a lot in common.

Good to see you.

Where is Ava? Go find your sister.


All rise.

Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life.

I was marrying the man of my dreams, and our happily ever after was about to begin.

Charlie and I met once upon a time, when I was getting my PhD in psychology at Berkeley and he was working at a vineyard in Napa.

We fell in love on the very first date.

He took me to an art fair in San Francisco.

The next day, he surprised me with a painting I had admired, and I was hooked.

I believe lasting love is possible because of my parents.

Their 30-year union is the reason I became a marriage counselor and why I was ready to make the commitment myself.

Mazel tov!

And that dimpled smile doesn't hurt.

So embarrassing.

Thank you.

I love you both. I love you both.

I've known him my whole life, and I still love you.

I can't even say that about anyone else, like, not even my own parents.

Okay, we love you too, Gerber.

No, love, man. Love.

That's what it's all about.

You know, from now on, I'm gonna be a one-woman guy.

Per week? I'm serious.

Uh, hello? We didn't actually...

There he goes.

Shelby, are you, like, avoiding me?

Come on, we were in the middle of talking about horses.

I love horses.

You ready to get out of here, Mrs. Dalton?

I should warn you:

I've been saving a few tricks for the honeymoon.

Let's go. Okay.

Ready?

Yeah!

Oh! Oh, you got smoked.

In your face. You got rocked.


Black. Two sugars.

Two orders, wheat toast with mayo.

Yum. The only way to eat toast.

Your horoscope says, "Today your positive mental energy will ensure that everything goes your way.

Take advantage of your good luck."

That's great.

Maybe that means this year's harvest will be the vineyard's best vintage ever.

Fingers crossed.

How about you skip out early, take advantage of me tonight?

Oh, I could cancel my last couple.

I'll reschedule my afternoon.

See you at 6:00.

Let's take a minute to validate those feelings.

It sounds like Lloyd is feeling angry because Courtney took advantage of his credit card.

She didn't take advantage of it.

She raped it. At Saks.

She roofied it, bent it over, and...

Okay. Courtney raped your credit card.

And Courtney is still angry because you slept with another woman.

"A slutty, trashy whore" were my exact words.

Obviously Courtney still has some unresolved issues about the affair.

But 9 grand on shoes?

Why should I suffer just because you're not rich like my father?

If your father's so great, why didn't you marry him?

He wasn't available.

I want you to think back to when you first met.

What attracted you to one another?

And I want you to make a list of all of the qualities that made you want to get married.

The key to a successful marriage is to find those qualities that make you fall in love with your spouse all over again every day.

Oh, I know they're here somewhere.

Where are they? Ugh.

Shelby, what are you doing?

Where do you keep all your stuff?

What stuff? The meds!

I'm a psychologist, not a psychiatrist.

I can't prescribe meds.

Jesus, Ava.

That's the only reason I took this job.

I'm not even sure they've invented a drug to begin tackling your issues.

Don't judge my pain.

You're my sister.

Can't you at least refer me to someone?

If I referred you to a psychiatrist, they'd have you committed.

Would there be meds involved?

And a straightjacket Did you mail out those invitations for me?

For Mom and Dad's surprise party?

Yes.

I got the guest list right here.

Thank you.

Glad that's not my next client.

Darlings. Hi.

Hi. What was all the yelling about?

Just your mother's normal kvetching Oh, would you stop talking like that?

This isn't a production of Fiddler On The Roof.

Would you just relax and stop acting like some kind of meshuggener in front of our daughters?

What does that even mean? Jesus!

Jewish.

Okay, can we just take this into my office, please?

Right into my office. Thank you.

Come on.

All right.

Bradley, Betty, why don't you calmly express what's upsetting you?

Well, I didn't want to have to tell you this, Ava...

No, Betty. Don't tell her.

It'll break her heart.

I want a divorce.

What?

Both of you- everyone, take a seat.

Ooh, everybody calm down and take a breath.

Okay.

Betty, what triggered this decision?

Your sack-of-shit father cheated on me.

We were separated.

We were separated at the time.

Yeah, but he still managed to knock me up.

Did we conceive Shelby before or after your affair?

Oh, my God. Dad, explain.

You were about three years old when we were relocated to London for my job, and I was working overtime.

It was hardly a recipe for a happy marriage, so we decided to separate...

Which for your father meant doing it With the first woman he could find... a minor detail he waited 25 years to tell me.

Okay, I hear you. I understand.

You feel betrayed, and I'm not minimizing what happened 25 years ago, but is it really worth throwing away along and happy marriage?

What makes you think that I've been happy?

Well, of course we're happy.

Well, of course you're happy.

I've spent the best part of my life catering to your adulterous ass.

Now it's my turn. I want to feel sexy.

I want to- I want to have adventures.

Okay. Okay, Betty.

We're making some progress.

I want you both to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let's try and reconnect with some of those feelings you had when you first decided to get married.

Ava, this Berkeley bullshit isn't gonna work on me.

Mom!

Look, I'm sorry, darling, but I'm not gonna take marital advice from my 28-year-old newlywed daughter.

I'm a professional.

And you're a hopeless romantic.

You've been watching Gone With The Wind every Thanksgiving for the last 25 years.

It's a very long weekend.

And I would give it up, honey.

Rhett Butler's never gonna stick around.

But they were at cross-purposes.

You know, the point is that I am the voice of experience.

I have done 30 years of hard marriage, 30 years of lies and deceit, and in all that time, you've never once put the toilet roll back on the dispenser.

And after 30 years, you'd think she'd give it up, huh?

Bradley, you can have that bathroom all to yourself, because I am moving in with Shelby.

Ava, you can't let Mom move in with me.

Okay, Mom, let's pause and assess the situation.

We don't have to make any permanent decisions today.

Good-bye, Bradley. Have a nice life.

-I refuse to live with Mom, Ava.

Okay, we have much bigger problems here, Shelby.

Yeah, like a 30th anniversary party for a divorced couple.

Hey, babe. It's 6:00.

Time for our date.

I promise I'll hook up the dryer this week, okay?

I don't care.

What's up?

Today was probably the worst day of my life, and that's not an exaggeration.

What happened?

My dad had an affair.

What?

Before Shelby was born, but my mom just found out, and now she wants a divorce.

That was 25 years ago.

They were still married, Charlie.

Oh...

They were so happy.

So what are you gonna do?

Technically I'm not supposed to treat them because we're family.

So don't tell them you're counseling them.

Do it without them knowing.

Yeah, I could help them surreptitiously.

Where you going? To see my mom.

Now? What about our 6:00 date?

The first 24 hours of a separation are critical, Charlie.

Hello? Hey, Shel. it's me.

Oh, my God. You got to get up here.

She's driving me crazy.

Welcome to hell.

Ava, shouldn't you be home basking in your newly wedded bliss?

Mom, are you sure moving out is the best solution?

Well, I certainly can't live in the same house as my ex-husband.

Shelby, we need to move the couch to the window.

Uh, I like it where it is.

No, you don't.

You can't possibly be considering getting a divorce after all these years.

This is between me and yourfather.

Little help, please!

Okay, I completely encourage your personal development, Mom, but you can take time to work on yourself and still be married.

Well, it hasn't worked for me so far.

Maybe it's time I made myself happy.

Are you really upset about an old affair, or are you just using that as an excuse to leave?

Ava, be my daughter, not my therapist.

I'm just trying to understand the situation.

It's complicated.

Why don't you ask your father these questions?

I'm going to, but I really think you and Dad would benefit from going to see a counselor, and I can recommend someone great.

I'm not really sure I believe in therapy.

Excuse me?

Oh, not you, honey.

I thought your therapy today was wonderful.

Therapy can be really helpful.

I still go see my therapist once a month for maintenance.

Well, I'll go. If it'll make you happy.

I thought it was time to make yourself happy.

I'm afraid that's all the time We have for today.

It's really important for me to get to know more about both of you, so I'm gonna need you to fill out these premarital compatibility tests.

Tests? More like questionnaires.

Don't worry. There are no right or wrong answers.

Just be honest.

Do we answer them individually?

Yes, and then I'll compare your answers to see how compatible you are.

So, Amy, you can stay in here, and, John, why don't you follow me out to reception?

Okay. See you.

Thank you.

Infidelity is one way to discover if you still really love your spouse.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Please tell me that was not a prospective client.

No. They changed their mind.

And what the hell is an angry pirate, anyway?

Shelby. Back off.

Give me my patient folders.

Give me...

I'm all right.

Uh- They're confidential.

Party peeper.

I am locking the filing cabinet.

Have you talked to Dad?

I've been trying him all afternoon.

I can't get a hold of him.

You think he cashed in his chips?

Where do you come up with this stuff?

I was an unwanted child, okay? I have issues.

And besides, his wife of 30 years just left him.

I'm gonna run by the house and check on him.

Will you collect their tests when they're done?

Sure. I'll meet you there.

Wait. Ava.

Mom and Dad, they're gonna work it out, right?

Of course.

It's only natural for marriages to go through ups and downs.

Okay, I just-I can't imagine them not together.

Don't worry.

Once they get into therapy, they'll fall in love all over again.

Trust me.

You put B for number 20?

Yeah, she said there were no right or wrong answers.

I'd go with C.

But she said to be honest.

Do you want to get married or not?


Dad?

Dad, are you here?

Dad?

Dad?

I know Tae Bo!

It's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Don't worry, sweetheart. It's just the deli delivery boy.

Matzo ball soup.

I'll just put it in the kitchen.

You scared me.

My apologies.

Why are you in the dark?

It's the Sabbath.

So this isn't a sign of depression?

Well, I'll just head out, then.

Yeah.

Yeah, thank you, deli delivery boy from the local deli.

I was so worried. I called you all afternoon.

I'm sorry, hon.

You know, in the Orthodox tradition, We're not allowed to answer the phone.

Ugh. Would you knock it off?

You've never been this Jewish before.

I've always been Jewish.

You've never been religious.

You were always the first dad on the block to go out and buy a Christmas tree.

Well, I wanted to be a perfect father to you girls.

I still do.

You don't really need me anymore.

You got Charlie.

And being Jewish is the only thing that feels familiar.

Sometimes change can be positive.

You and Mom could use this time to improve your relationship.

I just want things the way they were.

I think you're using your spirituality to avoid dealing with the fact that Mom left.

Are you analyzing me, Ava?

No, no.

I'm just suggesting maybe you do something to make Mom want to come back.

Well, I'm her husband. This is her home.

That should be enough.

I want a pony!

What?

Well, if you're not gonna act your age, neither am I.

Glad to know you're alive.

Hi, Shel.

Who was the hottie?

Nobody.

Just the local deli delivery guy.

Oh, maybe Dad could hook you up.

Ooh, I could go for some of those matzo balls.

Shelby. Touchy.

What's with all the candles?

Dad's being Jewish.

So this is what it's like to be Jewish.

Mom agreed to go see a marriage counselor.

She did?

I could set you up with a fantastic therapist.

You think that would help?

I think I want to be Jewish.

What? What?

You're getting a pony. I want a bat mitzvah.

Oh, don't make any sudden movements.

Don't hate me...

Okay, knock if off, you two.

Hi.

I'm just kidding.

Dad, why don't you go get settled up in the guest room?

Oh, yeah, thanks, honey.

It'll be fun to have some company.

Huh?

Ava?

I went over to go see my dad, and he was all alone in the dark.

He's so depressed. Is he moving in?

Only for a couple days.

Your father cannot live here, Ava.

It's only temporary.

Yeah?

Then why did he bring his goldfish?

Couldn't get him to leave without Malcolm.

Malcolm? Really?

We're supposed to make decisions like this together.

Please. Please.

Okay. But just for a few days.

Gerber. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, buddy. Where's Ava?

Hey. Hi.

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Guys, this is Keisha.

Nice to meet you.

My wife.

What? Huh?

My wife. I finally pulled the trigger.

When?

Today.

Charlie, you were right.

You know the moment you meet your wife.

Congratulations. Ah!

Oh, my gosh.

I didn't even know you were dating.

Buddy. You move fast.

Well, I had to. Her visa's up in a week.

If I'd let her go back behind the iron curtain, I might never have seen my little Polish princess ever again.

There's no iron curtain anymore, Gerber.

Yeah, tell that to immigration.

So... where did you meet?

Oh, thank you.

You are ridiculously cute.

She's still working on her English.

How did you meet her?

Well, last night, I went to a bar, and I ordered a shot of vodka...

Vodka?

Vodka. In Charlie's honor.

My honor?

For a fallen comrade.

But you don't even drink vodka.

-I know. That's the most amazing part.

It was handed to me by this Slavic goddess, and at that moment, I knew.

It was fate.

Gerber, that is so romantic.

Welcome to our country.

Oh, thank you!

Her English is great.

-Oh...

We got you a wedding present!

Uh-oh. Look what happened.

Thanks, Gerber. Thank you.

Thank you. It was nothing.

Besides, us married folk should stick together.

-I hate Gerber.

Doesn't he know we have to wake up early?

He promised this was their last song.

♪ We've been together since way back when ♪

♪ Sometimes I never want to see you again, girl ♪ Come on.

♪ But I want you to go- know ♪ What do you want me to know?

♪ After all these years ♪ Yeah, sing it, girl.

♪ You're still the one ♪

♪ I want whisper in my ear ♪

♪ You're still the one ♪

♪ I want to talk to in bed ♪

♪ You're still the one ♪

♪ That turns my head ♪

♪ We're still having fun ♪

♪ And you're still the one ♪

♪ I look at your face every day ♪

I can't take this anymore.

Thank God.

Let's take the party upstairs, please.

Ava! Ava, you got to try this.

I mean, you push a button, and the music comes out, and words, like, pop up on the screen and...

♪ Deep in the desert ♪

♪ I longed for the snow ♪

♪ Still the one ♪

♪ That makes me laugh ♪

♪ You're still the one ♪

♪ My better half ♪

Hey, babe. Come see me at the winery.

We'll have lunch at the vineyard cafe.

Charlie, Ava's here in the vineyard garden.

He loves you.

I wasn't doing that. It's just a nervous habit.

Right.

I'm meeting the caterer here in an hour to discuss the party.

You aren't canceling the party?

No. It's in three weeks.

They're gonna be back together by then.

I have total faith in you, babe, but you may want to consider the possibility that they don't get back together.

What kind of marriage counselor would I be if I took that approach?

Besides, my horoscope today said that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to.

Here it is.

Thanks, Adrianna.

Charlie, your interview with Wine magazine is confirmed for 3:00.

Hi, Ava. Hi.

-I had a great time at the wedding.

You looked very pretty.

Thank you.

So I had this made for us.

What?

It's a belated wedding present.

Wow. Okay.

Our own vintage.

We'll open it on our tenth anniversary, and, like our marriage, it will only improve with age.

This was so sweet of you.

It was, wasn't it?

Come here.

Thank you.

Charlie.

My dad's staying in the next room.

Ah, come on.

Come on.

Bradley. Oh, morning, Charlie.

Yeah. Oh, I didn't wake you, did I?

-Oh, no. I was up.

Dad, what are you doing?

Putting up a mezuzah. You didn't have one.

We're not Jewish. It's crooked.

Yeah, well, it doesn't hurt to have a little blessing on your home.

I thought Charlie could use some help with those pictures.

Uh, that really wasn't necessary, and I prefer to do that type of thing on my own, and I'm actually quite obsessed with my paintings and...

But it was very thoughtful of you to want to help.

Oh, and, Dad, don't forget, you and Mom have a meeting with the therapist tonight.

I've heard great things about him.

Yeah.

I'm gonna make some coffee.

Bradley, do you want some?

Is it kosher?

-I have no idea.

Then I'll pass.

I can't imagine why she left.

Betty.

Bradley.

Entrez.

There's an exercise I like to do with all my patients before they sit down, Sort of a ritual.

So start out by taking short, quick breaths through the nose, like this.

Now I want you to shake out your body, like this.

Then hop up and down like this.

This is wonderful for igniting your chakra energy.

Hop, hop, hop.

More like ignite your sphincter.

Shake out. Shake out.

Who's that?

Adrianna.

I swear, if Gerber's not here in the next five minutes, We're ordering without him.

What's that?

It's a Polish phrase book.

I though it might help us get to know Kasha a little better.

Yeah?

What's Polish for "green card"?

Don't be so cynical. They're in love.

They don't even speak the same language.

Did you know there are five love languages?

Not all of them are verbal.

Seriously?

You're the one saying that marriage takes work, commitment...

But the falling-in-love stage is the best part.

Wow. I guess the honeymoon is over.

Baby, I fall in love with you all over again every day.

Hi. Sorry we're late.

Okay.

Mwah, mwah.

-Oh.

Three. Three times.

Thank you.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Wonderful, you two.

Natural hoppers, the both of you.

Let's have a seat.

What I need to know is how you feel, right here, right now.

Winded.

I meant emotionally.

I feel humiliated.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, you might want to rethink that whole hopping ritual.

I meant by your affair.

And now you won't even tell the girls about Ian.

I feel like the last 25 years of our marriage was nothing but a sham, built on secrets and deception.

She's got you there, Bradley.

Excuse me?

You had the affair.

She posted the first points.

What's your comeback?

Are you keeping score?

It helps me figure out Who's to blame.

-Oh, yeah. Mmm.

That is a perfectly cooked steak.

How's your dinner, babe?

It's cost my arms and legs.

Um, it's arm and leg.

It's an arm and leg.

An arm? An arm and leg.

And leg. It costs an arm and leg.

It costs an arm and leg.

How cute is that? That is cute.

Oh, as I keep explaining to these officials, that we had to get married in a hurry because her visa's running out.

You didn't actually say that.

You told me to be honest.

Yeah, but I meant tell them that you're so in love, you couldn't wait to get married, not, "Let's do it before she gets deported."

Well, I can't think of a better reason to get married on the fly.

Not like "I'm drunk and in Vegas" type deal, right, buddy?

Ow!

That was one of your dumber ideas.

What was a dumb idea?

Oh! Charlie!

I'm so sorry, buddy.

Okay, now a little to the right.

There you go. Ooh, bull's-eye.

Whoop. No lookee.

Maybe you should go home and change.

Charlie, what's with you?

He's like Edward Scissorhands.

♪ Clumsy ♪ You got to live with that.

Now I know why your first wife left you.

Oh!

Okay. I'm okay.

I'm okay. You're okay?

First wife? What-what's he talking about?

You never told her?

When do you intend to tell our daughters?

I don't.

Tell them what, Bradley?

Nothing.

Oh, for God's sakes.

You're not even gonna tell our therapist about Ian?

This is a private matter, Betty.

He's a stranger.

This is exactly your problem.

You're afraid of change. You're afraid of anything new.

Do you know that he's eaten the same breakfast every morning for the last 30 years?

Oatmeal, without even any fruit on it, the same bland, boring thing.

I'm a traditionalist.

Well, I am sick of it.

And until you are willing to embrace the new possibilities that life is offering you, l...

I can't be with you.

I'm prescribing a method of therapy which I have found extremely successful.

It's called

"Brush with Death."

It means time apart, during which you don't see each other or talk to each other.

And no phone calls.

I'm in.

I should have said something.

It was annulled, which is almost like it never happened.

I was drunk in Vegas.

I didn't even know the girl.

It doesn't count as a real marriage.

I can't believe you kept this a secret from me.

I didn't want to disappoint you.

How could you do something so stupid?

I was 22.

That's old enough to know better.

Technically that's only 2 times 11.

In what, guy years?

I don't- I don't care what you did at 22.

I care that you lied to me now.

I didn't lie to you.

By omission.

It's the same thing.

How am I supposed to trust you?

A brush with what?

Death. A Brush with Death.

It's ridiculous.

Is that a way to save a marriage?

His methods are a little unorthodox, but he usually gets great results.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go have a brush with death.

You have to help me with this.

What can I do?

I just figured, with your prior experience, you would know all about marriage.

Jesus, Ava.

You can't punish me for something I did years before we even met.

It hurts knowing I'm not the only girl you ever wanted to marry.

It spoils the fairy tale.

If it makes you feel any better, you're the only one I married sober.

You're the one, Ava.

I love you.

What can I do to make you feel better?

Help me with my parents.

Divorce is difficult, Ava, but my parents are happier now that they're not together.

Do you think if my parents get divorced, my Dad's gonna want to go home to an empty house?

You're just playing dirty now.

I just need you on my team.

-Okay. I'm in.

Ugh.

Worthless trash.

What did it say?

"Avoid all team sports."

Dr. George was quite specific when he said "Brush with Death."

It meant no contact.

Yeah, but I figured you and Dad would probably respond better to a more traditional method.

Bradley.

You want to squeeze in a workout after this?

Oh, I already got my squat thrusts in this morning.

Please, you haven't thrust anything in years.

Welcome, everybody, to Miraculous Marriages.

Freak out the fear!

Now, if I could get everybody to gather round.

Gather round.

Get over here!

Okay, people, eyes here.

First, let's start with our affirmation of the day.

Marriage to the max. Marriage the max.

Marriage to the max.

Marriage to the max.

Marriage to the max.

Everybody. Marriage to the max.

Marriage to the max.

Marriage to the max.

Wonderful.

Now for our first exercise, We're going to start a word association game.

I'm going to say a word, and everybody is going to say the first word that pops into their little head.

Now, remember, say everything you feel.

There is no judgment here.

Let's start with you!

Newlywed!

Commitment.

Love.

Wedding!

Expensive.

Cheap.

Love!

Cooking.

Grateful.

Oh, baby.

Home!

Sharing.

Ooh, clothes.

Husband!

Hurt.

Happy.

Marriage!

Can I just say I love this exercise?

I actually use it in my own practice.

Stop right there!

One word.

Disillusionment Disillusionment? Already?

Not us. Them.

This exercise is about us, what marriage means to you.

Enough!

One word.

Bliss. "Bliss" is my word.

Imperfections Imperfections?

Are you talking about your first wife or me?

I was talking about me.

Whatever. Your word blows.

This a no-judgment circle, Ava.

Next!

-Oh!

Thanks for catching me.

I should have let you fall.

I guess I would have deserved that, huh?

Old habits die hard, I suppose.

This is all about building trust with your partner.

-Oh!

Ava.

Move faster, sir.

Girl in the green sweater, please don't hold your wife's hand.

Go, team us! Go, team us!

All right, baby.

Love you. I love you.

Maybe I should go first.

Would you give me some more rope, you cheap bastard?

It's not even your damn rope anyway.

We have to use the line sparingly.

I'm not sure how much is left.

Trust your partner.

Embrace the mountain.

Good job, babe.

Work together as a team.

Come on, Betty! Freak out the fear.

Freak out the fear!

Fear is freaking me out.

Mom, come on. You can do it.

Come oh, Betty. Bradley, this is too high.

I can't go any further.

Come on, Betty.

Don't be such a baby.

Fine. That's real supportive.

Betty, your ass is on my shoulder.

How much more supportive do you want me to be?

Then move. I don't need you.

Fine!

Mom, I'm coming!

-Ah!

Oops.

Well, the good news is, you only have to wear the brace overnight.

Yeah, and the bad news is, my wife tried to kill me.

Charlie, come on. It was an accident.

I got distracted.

By your parents.

What am I supposed to do, just stand back and let them throw their marriage away?

They're the ones getting divorced.

Why are we the ones suffering for it?

Oh, Moses, another one of Mom's indecipherable texts.

Don't tell her we're going to the florist, please.

"Getting coffee on Magazine Street."

So since Dad is staying with you, Shabbat at your place?

What? Shabbat dinner.

It's like Thanksgiving for Jews.

The whole family gets together to eat and argue, but they do it every week.

So is it at your house?

No, it's not at our house.

You're a bad Jew.

Shelby, I'm not Jewish, and neither are you.

You better hope God didn't hear you say that.

Crap.

Mom found us.

Hi, babies!

I have exciting news.

You and Dad are back together?

No, I'm going to Thailand... and India, China, Japan, maybe even Tahiti.

Oh, let's grab this table.

But Dad hates to fly.

Oh, I'm not going with your father.

And how long will you be gone?

About six months.

So I'll have the apartment all to myself again?

How could you do this to Dad?

It's always been my dream to travel.

Well, you got to go to France your junior year of college, and Shelby had those two months when she went missing in Mexico.

Ay de mi. Tiempos mas buenos.

Your father's been afraid to travel, and this is my chance to see the world.

This isn't like you, Mom.

No? No, it's not like me at all.

I always do what everybody else wants.

One day, you'll understand.

No, I won't, because I would never give up on my marriage.

Like Miss Perfect would ever have marital problems.

Actually, I just found out that Mr. Perfect has been keeping a big secret from me.

Is he cheating on you with his hot assistant?

Shelby. Charlie's not cheating on me.

How do you know?

Do you monitor his calls, check his texts?

No, 'cause I'm not a psycho.

Such an amateur.

Charlie would never cheat.

That's what I thought about Dad.

Men aren't perfect, honey.

They're just men.

All of them?

Yes, dear, all of them.

Damn.

Mwah. Mwah.

Bye, babies.

Roses or orchids for the centerpieces?

What do you think?

I think we should sincerely contemplate changing the theme of this party, Ava.

Shelby, come on. I need help.

Yeah, you do.

Mom's leaving in ten days, and the party's in two weeks.

What are you gonna tell people to say?

"Surprise, Bradley.

"We know you're getting divorced, "but we wanted to celebrate the milestone that you didn't reach anyway"?

They'll work it out!

You should seriously consider therapy.

I've tried group therapy.

I've even tried that vvhack job of a therapist who told them not to communicate.

The Brush with Death.

I heard it's very successful in the long run.

But I don't have the long run.

I've got about a week to fix this.

You have to fix it, Ava?

Who else?

How about your parents?

Well, they haven't exactly been very effective left to their own devices.

And how has their separation impacted your relationship with Charlie?

Who? Your husband.

Oh, no. Charlie.

He's fine. He's great.

Well, actually, I just found out he deliberately hid from me the fact that he'd been married before.

So discovering in quick succession that both your father and your husband were keeping secrets doesn't have any great significance for you?

Okay.

I know where you're going with this, but can we just stick to the issue at hand?

Then your husband's previous marriage is not an issue?

Not presently. No.

Can we get back to my parents?

Did you consider the possibility that divorce could actually be the best thing for your parents?

Seriously, though, what do I do?

Let go.

Let them work it out for themselves.

By the way, do you lock your filing cabinets?

You hooked up the dryer.

Bradley did it.

-Oh.

Not that I don't appreciate all the help, but sharing a house with your dad isn't exactly how I envisioned married life.

This has been hard on me too, Charlie.

Well, I miss my wife.

-Oh. Hi.

This a bad time?

Hi, Dad. Bradley.

Thanks for hooking up the dryer.

Oh, it feels good to be handy, you know.

I know Chuck's busy.

I would have gotten to it eventually.

Yeah, right after you finish putting up the shelves in our bedroom?

Excuse me.

I'm gonna take a shower.

Did you talk to your mom?

I mean, did you tell her how sorry I am about the ass thing?

Um, I didn't get a chance, actually.

She seems to have made some travel plans.

Yeah, but your mother hates to travel.

Actually, it's always been a dream of hers.

She never mentioned anything.

Did you ask?

Did you ever ask what she wanted or if she was happy?

She never complained.

I just assumed that everything was fine.

I don't think this is just about the affair, Dad.

Do you?

So where's she going?

Thailand.

When? In ten days.

-Oh, no.

She's gonna miss our anniversary.

How long is she going for?

Um, she didn't say exactly, but she plans on making a couple of other stops along the way.

How long, Ava?

Six months.

Six months.

It's over.

She's really left me for good.

Dad, you'll get her back.

You just have to show her how much you love her and remind her how special she is to you.

Can you please try and cheer my dad up?

Maybe take him out for a drink or something?

I need to stop my mom from leaving.

We'll get the two of them together.

We can talk it through.

That's a bad idea.

Group therapy sure didn't work.

I'm running out of options, Charlie.

Please help me.

You owe me for making me wife number two.

Fine.

I'll help you out one last time, but you got to agree to never mention that stupid Vegas wedding again.

Deal.

Here we go, gentlemen.

Hey.

Oh, I can't drink this.

Oh, yeah, you can.

I know the owner. He's a big-time Jew.

Only serves kosher.

Oh, thanks, Gerber.

I didn't know there were Irish Jews.

Oh, yeah. Yeah?

So this is great. A night out with the boys.

Yeah.

I got to tell you, you got to leave the old ball and chain at home sometimes.

Although I can't complain.

I love being married.

I have never had this much sex in my life.

No, forget trolling bars to get laid.

Get married. Hello.

You don't have sex all the time.

Oh, yeah. Whenever I want.

Every which way.

-I miss my wife.

Aw.

Look, Bradley, I'm sure you guys will work it out, and if you don't...

Yeah, be a man.

Bradley, there are plenty of other chicks in the sea.

Eastern Europe is teeming with beautiful young women just dying to marry a rich American.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, Gerber.

60 is the new 30.

I saw you over at the karaoke machine, ripping it up, going to work.

Dude, Slavic hotties will be all over your Johnson.

Yeah, they will be lining up for a man with your experience.

You think?

Absolutely.

Bet you find a nice Jewish girl.

Uh-oh.

Wouldn't Betty just love that?

Oh, I know the perfect place to celebrate your newly anointed single status.

Where? Got any dollar bills on you?

Ah! Let's have shots for everybody.

We are gonna put some boobs on your face.

Okay?

Okay, just this one time. Yes.

Booby in your eye.

I know the separation's hard on you, Ava, so I really appreciate your show of support.

I should be netting the web in no time at all.

I just figured if you're gonna be gone for six months, you need to be internet and email savvy.

Now we can keep in touch.

Well, I must admit, I am a little nervous.

You are?

Well, it's been a long time since I did anything this exciting or brave.

I can't remember the last time I did anything without your father.

Or you could do this with him.

Dad travel?

He has a hard time going to the mailbox.

I just know he's devastated without you.

Chase it!

Yeah!

Oh! Who's next?

Oh, my God!

Here's Bradley!

Aren't you just a little sad that your marriage is over?

Well, of course I am, Ava, but your father's incapable of change or even compromise.

And I refuse to be unfulfilled any longer.

Why didn't you say anything before?

I suppose I was too busy worrying about everyone else's needs to think about my own.

Doesn't that sound like...

What?

I'm all right. I'm okay.

No problem.

Oh, you know, Charlie, you're my bestest, favoritest son-in-law ever.

Really?

'Cause you're, like, my very favorite most father-in-law ever.

Oh, come on, give me a hug.

Bradley Gold.

Did you hear that?

That sounded like my wife, except I don't have one anymore.

Exactly what did you have to drink tonight?

I don't know, but I'm sure wasn't Manischewitz.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

What?

What the hell is wrong with you?

How was I supposed to know your mom would be here?

I told you I was gonna try to get the two of them together.

This is your idea of helping?

You told me to cheer him up.

Trust me, tonight he was so happy.

Please tell me you did not take my father Hot Chicks Live.

We didn't go to Hot Chicks Live.

Gerber's way too cheap for Hot Chicks Live.

Gerber was with you?

I hope you took a cab.

I guess chauffer duties were in their marriage arrangements, 'cause Gerber's wife drove us home.

And she's great, and they're having sex... great Polish sex, whatever that means... whenever he wants.

Show up at your daughter's house this time of night, drunk as a skunk.

I mean, what do you have to say for yourself?

Thank you, Bradley, for validating a very difficult life-altering decision l've just made.

I now know absolutely for certain that leaving you is the smartest thing I've ever done.

Mom, you don't mean that.

Yeah.

Do you know that I dis- I discovered tonight at this strip club?

No, please enlighten me.

I thought you said you didn't take him to a strip club.

No, I said I didn't take him to Hot Chicks Live.

I learned that there are women in this world who want me.

Oh, they don't want you, you idiot.

They want your dollar bills.

You know, there's a nation in Europe that has a lot of pretty Russian Jews who want to have sex with me.

And time for bed.

Too bad that you don't have the balls to fly out there and meet them.

Well, then I'll just have to ship them in.

Mazel tov.

Oh! I squished my fish.

Oh, no.

Dude, did you say you were gonna ship your balls?

Poor Malcolm.

This is what I'll be missing?

Mom, please.

Hey, Bradley, when I'm cavorting naked on a Fiji beach with my Polynesian Adonis, I shall try to remember to send you a postcard.

-Oh...

I think that went well.

"I" what?

-I love you.

Do you realize that what you did tonight brought my parents closer than ever to divorce?

What I did?

I was just trying to cheer him up.

I was helping you.

But if you hadn't tried to interfere tonight, none of this would have happened in the first place.

Charlie, my parents are getting divorced.

I have real problems.

You know, maybe we should stop focusing on your parents...

Nice shelves.

And start focusing on us.

Uh, what's that supposed to mean?

Well, for one thing, It's been a little difficult to have sex with your dad staying here.

Oh, I'm surprised you noticed.

You've been so busy texting with Adrianna.

Work must be crazy.

You're the one who's too distracted with everyone else's problems to even have sex with your own husband.

It's not been that long since we've had sex, and I've been busy.

Well, you're not doing anything right now.

Ugh, Charlie, if you think I'm gonna sleep with you right now, you're even more drunk than I thought.

Oh!

Is it really too much to ask to replace the toilet paper roll?

Is it really that difficult?

What is it?

A genetic predisposition to measure your shits against the amount of toilet paper left?

Oh!

And just so you know, I did not fall in love with you again today.

Morning, beautiful. I made your favorite.

Black coffee, two sugars.

Wheat toast with mayo.

Truce?

Truce.

I have to cancel the surprise party.

You can't save every marriage, Ava.

I feel like such a failure.

Promise me you're done intervening.

I have no other choice.

Promise?

Meet me tonight for dinner?

Mm-hmm.

I can tell that some positive changes have taken place since our last session.

What's going on?

When we left here, I began to make that list you suggested.

I dug really deep, and I realized the main reason I was attracted to Courtney was because her family was rich.

Perhaps you were looking to Courtney to provide emotional security.

Well, mostly I just liked the fact she drove a Porsche.

And l realized what l liked about Lloyd was that he wasn't rich.

I knew that if I married him, it would really piss off my father.

Excuse me?

Once we were finally honest with each other, it was like this huge relief.

So we've decided to get a divorce.

And we just wanted to come here in person to thank you.

To thank me for what?

If it wasn't for you, we could be stuck in a lousy marriage for years without knowing any better.

Please, don't mention it.

Oh, I just got four winks on Match.com.

I already got a date.

-I need the guest list for the party.

I have to cancel it before I meet Charlie for dinner.

You've seen the light.

I am taking Mom speed dating tonight, show her what the single life is really like.

Genius.

-I have my moments.

Hey.

Hi, John.

Do you guys have an appointment?

No, things didn't really work out with Amy and me.

-Oh.

So you're here to talk about it?

No, actually, I was wondering if Shelby was available for dinner this evening.

Mm. No.

I saw your test scores.

Cares more about your marriage than you do.

That's why you got to talk to your woman and find out what's the trouble.

Amen, brother.

Amen.

Rough day?

Rough week.

Why'd you have an affair, Dad?

You know, that was a long time ago.

I never would have done it if I thought your mother and I were gonna be reconciled.

But... I'm miserable, Ava.

I can't sleep. I can't eat.

I just want her back.

Don't worry, Dad.

We'll get her back.

You and me together, we'll do whatever it takes.

Why don't you go get an early night?

I just haven't been able to sleep since she left.

My mind keeps me awake, keeps racing.

Charlie has sleeping pills.

You think that's safe?

Of course. I'll go grab them.

Well, how many do I take?

Two, and you'll sleep like a baby.

No! I said two, Dad.

From what I remember about babies, they wake up a lot.

Good night, pumpkin.


I'm not sure about this speed dating thing, Shelby.

Oh, you'll love it.

You can squeeze in 50 bad dates and only sacrifice one night.

Oh!

Well, welcome, all.

Now, you'll have five minutes to speak with your date.

When I hit that buzzer, the man must move on to the next woman.

Under 35s to my right.

Over 35s to my left.

Ladies, please, take your seats.

Come on, Mom. Let's go.


911. Is this an emergency?

Hi, I think my dad overdosed on sleeping pills, and I need an ambulance right away.

A marriage is forever.

Fidelity is essential.

A shame my ex-wife didn't agree.

Yeah, she left me.

-Oh.

At least she thinks she did.

Men, y'all better move.

I think you're in the wrong section.

The under 35s are over there.

A cougar's calling.

Rawr!

Child, didn't you hear that buzzer?

Time to switch. Get over here.

I really like squirrels. You like squirrels?

I think I heard the buzzer.

I'm so nervous. I hate these things.

Hmm.

Ava! Ava!

Are you okay? Yeah.

Bradley. What happened?

How many sleeping pills did he take?

Uh, I don't know, but the bottle was empty when I found it.

My bottle of sleeping pills?

That was practically full.

One of you can ride with us.

I'll follow in my car, okay? Okay.

So do you want to go home and slit our wrists now or get drunk first?

Hi, Ava.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, we're coming. We're coming.

I never should have left my pills out.

I just didn't see this coming. Did you?

Me? No.

Where is he? Where is he?

Is he all right?

It's okay.

Doctors are in with him right now.

It's all my fault. I'm a horrible wife.

I can't believe he actually tried to kill himself.

Shelby. Not now.

He's recovering nicely.

Oh, thank God for that. Can I see him?

Of course. Go in. Nurse, show her in, please.

I have to tell you, though, we did find some very small traces of the drug in his system.

In my opinion, this was not a suicide attempt.

Oh, that's a huge relief, Doctor.

Thank you so much for your help. Thank you.

You're welcome.

We'll keep him here overnight just to make sure, but he should be fine to leave in the morning.

Okay. All right.

It's just so strange.

You said the bottle was empty, right?

Yeah, I think.

Either it was empty or not.

Mm. It's not that simple.

What's not that simple?

It was empty, or why else would you call 911?

As a precaution.

Ava, what are you talking about?

I've always wanted to try the food here.

I hear their Jell-O is fabulous.

-I may have slightly exaggerated the number of pills that he took.

Exaggerated?

I'm gonna go find the cafeteria and that hot doctor.

Oh, you're not gonna like this.

Um...

I knew my dad didn't take the whole bottle, but he was having a lot of trouble sleeping, so he took three to help him fall asleep.

And the rest of them?

I flushed them down the toilet.

You did what?

-I know. I'm not proud.

Jesus, Ava. What the hell is wrong with you?

I was desperate, okay?

My dad has been just devastated since the separation, and I needed to do something to bring them together.

You promised me you were done interfering.

What you did was illegal.

If anyone found out, you could lose your license.

You could even go to prison.

Charlie, you're making it sound way worse than it is.

No, Ava, I'm telling you how it is.

Their 30th anniversary is coming up...

I can't believe this.

Why are you walking away from me?

How dare you think you can just manipulate people to get your way?

I'm sorry, but I did it for my parents.

No, you didn't do it for them You did it for yourself.

I was only trying to help.

Charlie, where are you going?

I can't believe this is who you are!


I'm dead, aren't I?

No. Very much alive.

Are you sure?

Because for me, heaven is where you are, Betty.

I love you so much.

And I'll do whatever you want me to do.

I'll get on a plane to Thailand.

I'll pick up a tapeworm in India.

I'll even come clean with the girls about Ian.

But I want you to be happy, Betty, and I want to be part of that happiness.

When I got that phone call tonight, I realized that you're not a part of that happiness.

-Oh.

You are that happiness to me.

Mm.

Mm.

Mom's gonna spend the night.

You need a ride?

If it's any consolation, I thought it was an inspired idea.

Thanks.

I'll remember that when I get the divorce papers.

No, I'm serious. That took major balls.

I have a newfound respect for you.

Somehow that makes me feel worse.

Excuse me. What room is Bradley Gold in?

Just a second. isn't that the deli delivery guy?

Yeah, his wife, Betty, called me.

I'm his son.

It's room 412.

412. Thank you.

How old are you?

25. Me too.

When's your birthday?

May.

I'm June.

Busy month.

Is there a July?

How long have you known?

Ian came to me right after your wedding.

How come you didn't say anything before?

Oh, I was shocked.

In our dad's defense, he didn't know about me.

My mom kept his identity secret.

I mean, I only found out, well, after she died a few months ago.

That sucks.

Yeah, yeah, it really does.

Sorry.

So when were you planning on telling us?

He was working up to it.

I realize that I have some apologizing to do, and, Ian, I know that I missed out on, well, everything.

But I'd like to make it up to you if you'd let me.

And all this time, I thought I was an only child.

You might still wish you were.


Oh, thank you.


Hi.

It's your wife. Remember me?

I'm not sure who you are.

I know you're angry, but you didn't tell me about your whole Vegas wedding, and I still forgave you.

So maybe this is my total screw-up moment you just have to forgive me for.

You planning on coming home anytime soon?

I can't answer that right now.

You can't just ignore our marriage, Charlie.

The way you have?

I'm a therapist. Helping people is what I do.

But this was personal.

My parents were separating.

Yeah.

The anniversary party's on for tomorrovv afternoon.

Will you be my date?

I'm not really in the mood to celebrate.

Is there something else going on?

I mean, you and Adrianna seem awfully close.

If that's the person who you think you married, then what are you even doing here?

Aren't we worth fighting for?

What are you fighting for?

Your marriage or me?

It's the same thing.

No. No, it's not.

You want a husband so when your patients ask if you're married, you can tell them yes.

And that way, it'll validate all the advice you give them.

I feel like the worst thing we did to our relationship was get married.

Sorry to interrupt you guys.

Charlie, it's your conference call to discuss the new Chardonnay.

They're on line two.

Thanks.

I have to get this.


Got any tequila over there?

What, you want a shot?

Just hand me the whole bottle.

You know why I think Charlie gave you the wine for a wedding gift? ls this really relevant, Dad?

Could be.

He told me once that when the grapes are growing, the winemakers purposely stress them out by depriving them of water and giving them an overabundance of sunshine.

Now, this weeds out the weak ones, and only the strongest and best survive, and those are the grapes that make the finest wine.

Now, the greatest love survives the harshest of conditions.

And surviving that turmoil is what makes a marriage strong.

Thanks, Dad.

But I still want the tequila.

Dude, better get dressed. Come on.

Don't want to be late and ruin the surprise.

I'm not going.

I left the toilet seat up.

It's a work in progress.

Tell me about it.

You know, buddy, you're always welcome here, but now long are you planning to stay?

It's just Kasha's parents are coming to visit and her two brothers and three cousins.

Are you all right with that?

Absolutely.

When you get married, you don't set limits on what love means.

Okay, but that shit is weird, dude, with the bread and the mayo.

I bet you're the only person on Earth that eats toast that way.

Dad, are you sure you can drink that?

I don't think it's kosher.

Well, I'm taking a more relaxed approach to things these days.

Besides, we're celebrating.

Your mother and I just booked a trip to Thailand.

Wow.

Exotic trips, exotic cuisine... how will you survive?

Turns.

Ian's gonna housesit for us.

What? How come he gets to?

Because he's older, sweetheart.

By a month.

Sibling rivalry. Started already.

Don't worry about it, Shel.

I'll invite you to all the wild parties.

And you won't even be responsible for the cleanup.

Brother, where have you been all my life?

Come with me.

I'll show you where Dad hides the good booze.

Is Charlie meeting us at the winery?

It was nice of him to invite us to the wine tasting.

It's not you guys he's upset with.

Well, best get going.

Betty. Yes?

Oh, thank you, darling.

I'm just gonna run upstairs and update my Facebook status.

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.

Bradley, did you take your antacid?

No.

You know how white wine affects your stomach.

You won't be able to sleep.

With any luck...

Surprise!

Are you two responsible for this?

You two should be grounded for lying to us.

Are we really grounded?

She's not my mom.

Well, I don't believe it.

Well, I just want to thank you all for being here today.

30 years is no mean feat, and I'd be lying to you if I told you that we hadn't had a few bumps along the road.

Or mountains.

But I just want to tell you how lucky I feel to have this woman by my side and how I love her even more for sticking with me during those trying times when even I might have left me.

So I just want to propose a toast to the love of my life, to Betty.

Betty. Betty.

Betty.

L'chaim.


This will help.

Charlie running late?

I don't think he's gonna make it.

Will you two?

I don't know.

I don't know what happened.

Yeah, I mean, you ignored him by prioritizing your parents, sex-starved him, and then you went psycho criminal on his ass.

I can see where it gets confusing.

I did try apologizing.

Trying to get him to come to your parents' anniversary party so you don't lose face in front of the family is a lot like apologizing.

When did you get so smart?

Is Ava Dalton admitting that she doesn't know everything?

Yes, yes. Okay, I admit it.

I'm not perfect, and I don't know everything.

Well, I've known that for about 25 years.

I think there might be someone else you need to mention it to.

Oh, say good night to Mom and Dad for me.

I should open my own practice.

There you are, darling. I've been looking for you.

This is Jeremiah, Rabbi Stevens' son.

And this is my daughter Shelby.

Hi, Jeremiah, Rabbi Stevens' son.

Nice to meet you.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

I think you may find you have quite a few things in common.

So you're Jewish.

Wait a minute. My dad told me about you.

Aren't you the wandering degenerate?

And aren't you the sponging sister?

It's "slutty sponging sister," if you don't mind.

No, actually, I don't mind at all.


I'm so sorry, Charlie.

Before you start apologizing, I have some things to say.

Okay?

About eight weeks ago, you promised to love me in sickness, in health, and all that other stuff.

Remember?

Well, I have some amendments to those vows.

Do you promise to fall in love with me every day, even when we fight?

Yes.

Will you swear to have sex with me at least twice a week, sometimes twice a day when the mood strikes?

Oh, yes.

And finally, do you accept the fact that I'll probably never, ever in the next 50 years remember to put a new toilet roll on the dispenser?

I do.

Let's go back.

Let's show these people that we know how to make a marriage work.

No.

No?

A marriage isn't official until it's been consummated.

-I knew there was a reason why I married you.


Who's the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world?

Look at Mommy.


Oh, and just so you know...

Ah!

I'm a big boy.

Didn't use to be.

Focus.

And action.

Are you wearing a yarmulke?

Yeah, you like it?

I had to dig around in the basement to find it.

I haven't worn one since I was a kid.

Nice. Very... Jewish.

Well, that's the look I was going for.

Physical contact make you uncomfortable?

No, I just don't hug strangers, most particularly, men I don't know.

He's more comfortable sleeping with women he's just met.

It's "slutty sponging sister," if you don't mind.

No, actually, I don't mind at all.

Sorry.

Ah right, out.

Did we get it?

What the hell?