#Lucky Number (2015) Script

(film reel rolling)

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(dramatic music)


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(film reel rolling)

I haven't been this beat up since my Aunt Fifi's bridal shower.

(male #1) Guys, I'm gonna make this right.

(male #2) The ride's over, Bret.

(male #3) Yeah, you're on your own, pal.

(Bret) Oh, fellas!

Come on!

(upbeat dance music)

Who would've thought a simple change of phone number could've caused so many problems?

You actually thought that you could use my old number and pretend to be me for your own personal gain?

You moron!

(Bret) Go right ahead, judge me.


But to fully understand the pickle I got myself into, I think we should start from the beginning.

(Jules) You hug the seam.

And you, big boy, you go right up the middle. Ready?

(blows whistle)

(male #4) Yo man, no cuts!

(Bret) Time out!

Hey, baby.

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

(punk rock music)


(notification pings)


(male punk singer) * We're the kids in the school *

* Who get trashed and we break all the rules *

* They try to drag us to the office, but what can they do? *


* We puff, puff, puff, suck

* A cigarette till we've gotten enough *

* The teachers pulling out their hair

'cause there's nothing they can do *

* We're a problematic youth *

* Hey, hey mister

* We ain't goin' nowhere *

* Hey mister

* We ain't goin' nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere *


* The tall boys hit the streets *

* With such a ruckus it awakens the trees *

* The dogs are barking but it's our block *

* What can they do?


* We ain't goin' nowhere *

* We ain't goin' nowhere *

(Bret) And that, my friends, is how a guy catches a class A case ofthe stink.


(male #2) Come on, this the box out.

Right there, right there, boom, boom!


(glass breaks)

(male #3) It was--you didn't need that.

That's great.

One way to make more room in the truck.


(male #2) Ah, piss warm, but so be it.

(male #3) Whoever invented yoga pants deserves a Nobel Peace of ass prize.

(sound of disgust)


(male #2) We gotta talk.

(male #3) You got the stink, Bretty boy.

And a mad motherfuckin' case of it.

(Bret) No kiddin'.

Ever since Jules dumped my sorry ass.

(male #3) Tell me about it.

That girl full-on puked in her mouth when she saw you.

All you have to do is be confident in who you are and you could have anything or anyone you want.

(male #2) Yeah, fake it till you make it.

Act like you're packing a baker's dozen.

(phone beeps)

-That's your phone again? -I'll check it later.

(male #2) What, is that-- Oh, that's Jules, ain't it?

(Bret) Just mind your own business.


(male #2) Give it up, give it up, give it up.

What the?

Holy shit!

Paz man! Jules just sent Bret a text of her blowin' some dude.

(Paz) Don't fuckin' tease me like that, G.

(G) "This one plays for the Jets, and unlike you, he has endurance."

Oh, that is grim.

(Bret) It only happened one time.

It was supposed to be a quickie.

(Paz) Let me see it.

(Bret) Give me my phone.

Topping it all off, I was forced to wash down the shit sandwich of Jules cheating by moving to where the rent was cheapest.

(female #1) Hey boys!


Hey Ma!

Now, here we go, boys.

Thirty seconds left, G, Check it, we're gonna steal this game.

(G) Keep counting your chickens, son.

My Founders are still up by one.

Yeah, but we got The Saint.

(Paz) Yo, do your thing, cuz.

This is where Tyson St. James is magic.

He's watching the clock tick down.

Seven, six, five...

(announcer #1) And The Saint goes hard to the hole!


(chanting "Saint")

(Paz cheers)

Welcome back, I'm Vance Avery live from the Knights' locker room, and that was a sizzle-riffic game one.

Philly came tonight ready to play...

(Bret) There he was.

My childhood idol.

A New York hero, The Saint.

Living the dream with millions of dollars, a supermodel wife, and endless talent on the court.

Oh, thanks, Vance.

I feel, uh, it was a good game.

You know, I've gotta give all the credit to my teammates, the coaching staff, our owner, Phil Page, and, of course, the big guy, God.

So, my son has the stink.

Go do something about it, I say!

Look at these ball players, not much older than you, most of them.

And not a stinky one among them.

Michael, he has a successful landscaping business.

-Thanks, Ms. R. -Garrett is a well-paid suit.

(G) Thank you, Marie.

(Ma) And you got bupkis.

Thanks, Ma.

Except a nice face.

And a silver tongue.

You wanna be a sportscaster, be a sportscaster.

(Bret) It's not that easy, Ma!

(Ma) Nothing's easy.

I took out a second mortgage to pay for six years of college.

And here you are back at home unemployed.

(Bret) I'll get another job.

What you need to get first is a good girl.

Or just go out and bang out an ugly one and rebuild from there.

Thanks, I'll get right on that.

Well, not with this you won't.

Ladies pick up on the little things like duct tape and disgusting BJ pics from exes.

Well, Jules does have nice breasts.

I'll give her that.

A skank's a skank.

Tomorrow when you go job hunting in the city, I want you to get a new phone, and a new number.


(Bret) Mom, was that really necessary?

I can't afford a new phone.

(Ma) Well, listen, I am doing you a favor.

Go prosper.

And get yourself laid.

(quirky music)

(Vance Avery) A little birdie told me this in my ear.

Now, if New York wins the finals is it true that you'll be donating a million greenbacks to charity?

(Saint) You're good, Vance.

-Staged! -Not!

(Saint) But yeah, I've agreed to donate my bonus to Jump Higher, a charity formed by our team owner's daughter, Nikki Page.

Wave to the camera, boo!

(Bret) Nikki was perfect from the moment I saw her.

Look at that girl.

But why would a high-class girl like her ever want a schmuck like me?

She deserved a prince.

Or a saint.

(Saint) That was a nice plug on the charity bit.

Very good.

(Vance Avery) Oh, you betcha.

S Man.

Sure thing.

So, uh, you got my kickback?

(intense music)

(Saint) Have you lost your mind, motherfucker?

Shut your mouth and know your role.

Scar be in touch.

How 'bout the boss' daughter, though?

Her shitty charity is worth a million if I get to tap that ass.

(Vance Avery) I'd be tapping.

(Saint) Yeah.

(dramatic techno music)


Hey, hey baby, what's going on?

(tiger growls)

(orchestral music)

Who are these whores?

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Son of a bitch!

"Congrats, daddy.

Let's hook up soon.


You pig!


Goddamnit, girl, that hurt!

I done told you I don't know who them bitches are, I swear!

I had the same number since my rookie year.

It's getting late, I had a big night, now come on.

Get in the bed and let's celebrate.




That's what I'm talkin' 'bout, baby.

Serve your king!



Ah, what the fuck, Gianna!

I told you I had that phone since my rookie year!

Well, now it's broke.

You need a new phone with a new number.

And amore... nopusetauntil finals are over.

What? Wait a minute.

You know I can't function without thepuseta.

(Gianna) Well, too bad.

If I find you cheating on me, I ruin you right before I take half your money.


I make love to shower head tonight.


You fuckin' bitch!

(hip hop music)

(female #2) Bret Reynolds?

As in the actor?

(Bret) Uh, that's Burt Reynolds.

Okay, I'm supposed to meet my friend.

Are we almost done here?


I want you to smack yourself in the face.

-Hard. -What are you talking about?

(Scar) Then dunk your head in the bucket until I call you back.

All set.

My guy slipped your phone into the system, backdated six months untraceable.

(female #2) I just need to assign a number. Wanna choose?

(Bret) Wow, that's a lot of options.

(Saint) Damn, all my people had that number.

Might take some time, but I'll get the word out.

We'll rebuild.

(Bret) That one.

Good choice, Bret Reynolds.

Just be careful 'cause Gianna's keeping a close watch.

Maybe you should abstain until the finals are over.

Abstain? Are you serious?

I'm not like other athletes, Scar.

I need sex.

My game depends on it.

(Scar) I know, baby, I know.


(Bret) It was a relief to be free of texts from crazy Jules.

But what I got instead was a stream of cryptic messages.


(Paz) York House. Cool!

I've been kicked outta there twice.

Nikki Page has always been an obsession of mine.

If I can bang that out, I know I can win the finals.

(Scar) On it. Meanwhile there's an escort waiting inside.

Custom fit.


(Saint) She know what she signing up for?

Already paid her extra.

Room 1302.


That reminds me, I should call this guy back before he drowns.

(Saint) Yeah, you do that.

(Bret) That afternoon, Paz helped me hunt for temp jobs by calling around to his buddies in the Blue Collar Mafia.

You have no idea how much power these guys actually wield around town.

Don't believe me?

Talk to the Deputy Mayor when City Hall's sewage pipes back up next Thursday and crap flows like the Nile.

The mob can kill you.

But the BCM can make your life miserable.

(rock music)

(G) Yo, what's the emergency?

(Bret) You're not gonna believe this, man.

I get a text on my new phone, right?

Telling us to go to the York House.

Now, I think it's just you messing with us, but when we get there, look what's waiting for us.

(angelic voice singing)

(Paz) Gold bling and killer bud, dude!

Stop playing.

(Paz) Fuckin' sweet, right?

(Bret) What do I do, G?

I just stole thousands of dollars.

(G) Stole? Bro!

This is a swag bag.

A what?

(G) Gratis.

Rich people get this shit for free all the time.

Keep it, dog.

Oh, that's pimp.


I'm not sure how I feel about this.

(G) Well, how about we test out this stankity dankity, and then see how you feel.

(glass clinks)

(Paz) I'm in.

Just, if you were wondering, I'm in definitely.

(Bret) So, I did what any red-blooded American would do.

Got high as a kite, and by the time we finished smoking, my phone was blowing up.


This thing is non-stop.

(Parisian music plays)

(Paz) I say we go.

(Bret) That's because you're stoned and stupid.

I say we return the phone.

(G) What? Come on, yo.

This is Oz, like the hottest club in town.

If you wanna meet movers and shakers, Mr. Sportscaster, that is where to hang.

(male #5) And what is your question, monsieur?

(male #6) So, I think my wife is sleeping with a co-worker, but it could also be in my head, because my numbers are down this month, and then he's killin' it.

What do you think?

Never look a butterfly in the eye when it's time for bees to mate.


(male #6) Yeah, mm-hmm.

Yeah, you're right, Henri.

Thanks a lot, man, thanks a lot.

Here's something extra for you.

Fuck that bitch.

(G) Gotta love this guy.

He's the fuckin' Yoda of hot dog carts.

(Bret) That made sense to you?

(Paz) Yo, you're next, ask him about Oz.

(Bret) Two foot longs with mustard and ketchup, and Henri, I have a question, too.

Uh, so there's this club like...

(Henri) Time is a precious flower, monsieur.

Allons-y,let's go.

(Bret) Should we go to Oz or should I return the phone?

(Henri) It is what it is, it be what it be.

Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes... you're the tree.

(Bret) Okay.

(G) Yo, yo, yo, yo!

My main man, Henri!

The usual. Will I--

(Bret) Oui, monsieur, you will get laid tonight.

Deux fois.

(G) I told you! Fuckin' Yoda!

(Paz) Eh, Henri, I already know the key to the universe is pussy.

So, I'm gonna get two dogs, heavy on the kraut.

Thank you.

(Bret) What have I got to lose?

(phone keys clicking)


(notification ping)

(club music)


Oz was everything I dreamed it would be.

Where the pretty people rubbed elbows and various other body parts.

The guy who had this number before me had a life that I didn't.

And right about now, I needed.


(male #7) All right, so your boy told us to take care of you, so we're gonna put you in our prime seating area.

For real.

So, who's your boy anyway?

(Bret) I knew this was a bad, stupid, dumb, moronic, idiotic idea.

Honestly, I have no idea.

(male #7) Good, kid, way to keep it discreet.

Listen, the bottle's on us, don't even tip.

And Big Sweat knows he'll let you bring ladies up from the dance floor.

If you need anything.

(snaps finger)

Have a good time.


She's cute.

(Paz) She's like a Barbara Streisand, but now.

My type.

Guys, I'm gonna roll a few appletinis and circle back.

And don't worry, the Paz man... has got it under control.


(female #3) Listen, if you're not gonna at least pretend to try to impress me, I'm never going home with you.

(G) Hey, uh, how about we head to my crib and smoke a little cheba?

(female #4) I'm in!

(Bret) Okay.

Gotta find Paz, let him know we're out.

(G) Let's split up.

I got the girls.

And focus, son, find your game.

Don't be stinkin' up the stabbin' cabin.



(male #8) Consider this to be your lucky night.

(Nikki) Get your hands off of me!

(Bret) Hey, man, that's enough.

-Hey, who the fuck are you? -That's enough!

(male #8) I will end you.

(Bret) Oh, yeah?

(snaps fingers)

(male #8) Whoa, what the f--

(murmur of crowd)

(Nikki) Hey, thank you.

(Bret) Oh!

It, it's you!

(Nikki) Do I know you?

(Bret) No, no, I'm a...

(G) Yo, Bret!

(dance music)

(male singer #1) * Oh yeah, shake it, shake it *

* Oh yeah, shake it, shake it *

(Bret) Oh no!

Excuse me.

(Nikki) Yeah.

Thank you.

(Paz) Hey!

Get over here.

Yeah, yeah!


(Bret) No, Paz, not the dip.


(Paz grunts)

(music winds down)

Okay, all right, buddy.

(Paz grunting)

(Paz) I danced, I danced!

(Bret) Yes, you did dance.

(G) Yeah, man.

You did the cha-cha.

(Paz) I danced, I danced.

(Bret) You did.

(Paz grunts)


This is his address. You take the tunnel, he'll wake up on route 3, he always does.


Good night, buddy.

(vomit sounds)

(Nikki) Hey, cute cell phone case.


I wanted to thank you for saving me from Mr. Date Rape.

I owe you.

Bret, right?

(Bret) Yeah, and you're Nikki.

How did you know that?

(Bret) Oh, I saw you last night, but, but not in a stalker way.

(G) How you doin'? I'm G.

And I would like to apologize for everything he just said.

(Bret) Yeah, I mean, on TV, your charity.

(female #3) Are we, like, going?

(female #4) Or like, not?

Yes! Absolutely!

(muffled music plays)

Looks like you're in for a treat.

(Bret) Actually, the girls are both going home with G.

(sound of indifference)

(wind whipping)

(G) Later.


(Bret) You need a cab?

No, no, I'm actually waiting for my friends.

(Bret) Oh, cool.

You maybe wanna go out sometime with a fellow Knights fan?


(Nikki) Oh, nice!

And you weren't actually gonna go home with Tweedledee?

(Bret) Pft, nah.

(Nikki) Because that would've been a really big sacrifice just to...ask me out.

(Bret) Well, I am asking.



A lot of unread messages.

(Bret) Party invites.

(female #5) Nikki, come on.

Don't lose my number.

(Bret) Not a chance.


(Nikki) Bye.

(Bret) Bye.


I couldn't believe it.

In a single day I had partied with New York's elite and met the girl of my dreams.

What other powers did my new best friend possess?

(Vance Avery) He brought the all-around game, and The Saint played the rim well with eight rebounds and 24 points last night.

The key thing is you can't carry the whole load, but he does promise to give a million dollars to the Jump Higher charity for underprivileged kids.

So, stay tuned because Philly is back here on Tuesday in the house The Saint built for game two of the finals.

Holy shhhit.

Are you 100%?

(Bret) I got 18 texts so far.

Five of them confirm without a doubt.

(Paz) Can you bitches please bounce that ball a little softer?

(Bret) Trust me, guys, it's The Saint's.

I don't know, guys, as much as I loved last night, I'm thinking I'm gonna go to the store today and get a new number.

(Paz) Are you nuts? You struck gold!

(G) Yeah, Paz man speaks the truth.

Score with this Nikki chick, and take advantage of the access.

(Bret) Sure, until I get caught.

(Paz) Why, you think The Saint's getting these messages, too?

(Bret) Nah.

It's gotta be an old number.

Getting texts from girls wondering why he's not responding.

(G) Whoa, you're not responding?

(Bret) And say what?

Guys, it turns out that my childhood hero isn't just secretly a major player, he is fucking Caligula.

(Paz) That's crazy, yo.

With that primo supermodel ass waiting at home, I'd be ordering take in every night.

(G) Dude, you have to respond to these texts and keep it going.

What else has come in?

Well, let's see here.

Besides from the nasty sexting and the multiple titty shots...

He just got a text from a car dealer offering to let him test drive the new Bentley for a month, no obligations.

(Paz) And I'd suppose The Saint could, I don't know, send over an assistant to pick up the car?

No fucking way.


(hip hop music)



(G) A black man driving a Bentley, I am going the speed limit.



(Paz) It's a thing of beauty!

(G) You are not lying.

It's so easy.

They just handed me the keys and say, "Say hi to The Saint."


All right, we need some ground rules.

Gold phone rule number one:

We only take what's coming to us.

Gold phone rule number two: we can imply that we know him, but we never use The Saint's name, not spoken, not in text, nothing.

(G) Mm-hmm.

(Bret) And number three, we don't steal anything.

All the offers have to be gratis, no strings attached, just like the car, got it?

(Paz) Totally.

Okay. Let's see what this bitch can do.

(female singer #1) * Couple of misfits walking through life *

* With our middle fingers up 'cause we don't give a fuck *

* Just a couple of misfits tryin' to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul for a buck *

* A couple of misfits walking through life *

* With our middle fingers up 'cause we don't give a fuck *

* Just a couple of misfits tryin' to get a quick fix *

* Sellin' our soul for a buck *

(Bret) The phone was magic.

It was opening doors that my ass could never open on my own.

Suddenly I had a surge of newfound confidence.

I was the man.

In fact, the phone had become my secret weapon to eradicate the stink.

(Bret and Paz) Three, two, one!


(G) Zip, you can't talk shit.

Until you, until you know how to play some basketball, you can't talk!

If Rebus would've played it would've been great.

(Paz) "If Rebus would've played," if Rebus would've played."

The Founders, Founders are about as good as the gum on my shoe.

(G) If Rebus was playing we would've won that game.

(Paz) Oh yeah, if Rebus was playing we would've won that...

(G) He would've won that game!

(Paz) If Moses would've split the ocean!

(photographer) That's great, big smiles everyone.

(Nikki) Thank you so much for having us in your home.

Anything for you and the kids, Nikki.

(Nikki) And again, I am so sorry that your secret got out there.

I've, I've grilled everybody at the charity, but I can't seem to get a culprit.

(Saint) Sports reporters can play dirty.

But look on the bright side, it frees me up to do more publicity for you.

(Nikki) Oh, thanks.

All right, that's it.

So, kids, let's wave goodbye to The Saint.

(kids) Bye!

(Nikki) Bye, guys!

-So precious. -So cute!

(Saint) Yes, they are the future.

Hey! How about we exchange numbers.

I, uh, have this event later, if you wanna join.

(Nikki) Oh, I, I would, but I have...

(Saint) A hot date?

(Nikki) Kind of.

But really, thank you so much, you really are amazing.

And, um, I hope you and Gianna have fun tonight.

(Saint) Thanks, bye.

"Hope you and Gianna have fun tonight, bye."

Looks like Page's little girl is playing hard to get.

(Scar) You can't just go full force like that.

You've gotta grease her up first.

(Saint) I did, why the hell you think I'm doing this charity bullshit?

(Scar) Last I heard Nikki didn't have a man.

I'll find out what changed.

(Saint) Well, do it and do it fast.

Five days without a nut is draining my battery.

I need, I need it.

(Scar) Shh.

I'm trying.

(Saint) Make something happen.

'Cause I need to recharge my mojo.


(crow squawks)

(Scar) How's this?

You'll be at Gianna's fashion show Friday, right?

(Saint) Unfortunately, why?

(Scar) We use it as cover.

When the show starts, Gianna will be on the runway.

For the next 30 minutes, you can play out any fantasy you like.

I'll reserve a private room in the basement.

I've used it before.

(Saint) All right, fine.

Get me three girls, Neapolitan style, and make sure they know what they're up for.

(Scar) Circus is coming to town?

(Saint) Goddamn right.

(orchestral music)

(Bret) We'll have your best caviar with the cabernet while we decide on entrées.

(phone vibrates)

(male server) I apologize, but we do not offer caviar for complimentary guests.


I appreciate the gesture, but I can cover our bill just fine.

(male server) Oh.

Uh, so it must be fun working with your dad and the team, huh?

(Nikki) I really just try and focus on my charity.

The kids are my team.

There's this girl named Rachel and she just loves basketball.

And when she has the ball in her hand, she just...

Your phone sure goes off a lot.

(Bret) Sorry, let me just...

(Nikki) Yeah! Yeah, sure, go ahead.

(phone vibrates)


(phone keys clicking)


(Bret) Sorry.

(male server) We owe him?


(restaurant falls silent)


(female server) Caviar will be right out.



I hate caviar.

You serious?


I'm more of a burger/dog kind of girl.

I'm sorry if I disappointed you.

(Bret) Are you kidding me?

I, I had no idea how I was gonna choke this crap down.

You like dogs?

I got the spot.

Here it is.

(Bret) Willie! We're out.


Put it on my tab.


(Nikki) Thank you.

(Willie) But...



(male singer #2) * Energy

* You bet you didn't shift my ground *


(Bret chuckles)

This is incredible.

Nikki Page!

New York Knights fans wanna know... you love basketball, you hate fancy restaurants, youloveChez Sabret.

So, what's your story?

Is this an interview or a date?

Can you help out a future sportscaster?

(Nikki) Oh, right!


So, Miss Page, America wants to know how you got to be so awesome.

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't say awesome.

But I come from a good family.

My dad's a blue collar guy who worked his tail off to get to where he is, so... he's a huge inspiration to me.

I try and live up to that.

But when it really comes down to it, I'm just a simple girl from Jersey.

(Bret) Wait, you're from Jersey?

That's where I live.

(Nikki) I thought you said you lived in Tribeca.

Well, yeah, now, but that's where I grew up.

I didn't know you were Jersey.

(Nikki) Yeah! Born and bred.

(Bret) Oh!


(Nikki) But, sadly, I don't really get back much.

Well, how about a boat ride?

I got a hookup.

Nothing like watching the city as you drift away.

Works great on dates.

(Nikki) Well, since this is a date...

I will confirm the effectiveness.

Well, you better be careful.

This boat thing is a pretty smooth move.

I call it "the reverse Titanic."

Why's that?

(drum music)

(Bret) I'm the king of the city!

Do you trust me?


(male singer #3) * So the story goes, so I've heard it said *

* That you left your land to trade for a place so far away *

* So out of date that only you could understand *

* And at the ceiling of my feeling backed up against the wall *

* Sweet thang you know I'd fall in line *

(male singer #4) * You'd better dig and take a look inside yourself *


* She

(male singer #3) * She wants to be free *


(male singer #4) * I

(male singer #3) * I wanna know


(male singer #4) * She

(male singer #3) * She wants to be free

* Yeah

(male singer #4) * I

(male singer #3) * And I...

(Nikki) I keep on waiting for the shoe to drop.

Are you sure you don't have a wife or some, like, deep, dark secret?

(Bret) I had a girlfriend, but she was certifiable.

And I'm not talking normal chick crazy, I'm talking...

Sorry, let me rewind that.

(Nikki) No, no, I agree.

Most chicks are crazy like most guys are liars.


(Nikki) It, it's probably just me, but I seem to have a chemical attraction to guys who are truth challenged.

(Bret) You don't say?

(Nikki) Yeah, I mean, it's not like I go out looking for them, but somehow they find me, or I find them.

Or maybe I'm just super gullible.


I mean it.

The last guy, he lied about everything.

His, his job, his car, the fact that he still lived with his mother.


This is me.

Do you, um...


...wanna come up?

(Bret) Oh, I'd love to.

But I should go.

(Nikki) Good answer.

(soft rock music)

(female singer #2) * Always

* On the run

* Always

* On the run


* On the run


* On the run

(Bret) With that one incredible kiss, I knew she was the one.

(Gianna moaning)


(Gianna) Oh dio!

(Saint grunts)

Oh dio!


(Gianna moans)

Oh! Oh dio!

Oh, yeah.

Oh God no!


(high pitched moan)

Vance Avery?

As in the sports commentator?


I found out he's going to the Intimate Disguise Lingerie Fashion Show on Friday.

I think you should totally go and see if you can strike up a conversation.

(Bret) Oh yeah, that sounds good.

(Ma) Your laundry's on the bed.

Who's that?

(Bret) Um, the maid comes in on Thursdays.

(Ma) Your room's a pigsty, by the way.

Wow, she doesn't hold back, does she?

(Bret) Yeah, very judgmental, in fact.

(Nikki) Anyway, so I was thinking I would score you some tickets so you can go and meet with him.

(Bret) No, no, no, don't worry about it.

I got a hookup.

(Ma) You want chocolate chip pancakes?

She cooks, too?

(Bret) Premium service.

I, I, I should probably tend to the help.

Enjoy the game tonight, I'll look out for you.




(Ma) What?

(rock music)

(announcer #2) It's true, they just didn't have an answer for Philly's newfound defense.

Tyson St. James couldn't shake his startling 7 point, 3 for 13 shooting performance.

(G) Yes, yes, the ain't!

Tyson ain't James!

(Vance Avery) Erectile dysfunction.

(announcer #2) Get some Viagra, boy.

(Paz) What the hell just happened?

The start of a comeback, losers.


(Bret) Look, there she is.

(G) Oh, poor little debutante.

It's not funny, G. She's got a million bucks riding on this.

(G) No sympathy.

(Paz) Did you seal the deal last night?

(Bret) No, it didn't feel right.

Oh, gee.


You smell something stinky?

(G) Oh yeah, that's some stank all right.

Yo, guys, I'm serious.

I sold her a total bill of goods last night.

We gotta find me some bank from this phone and quick.

She's gonna realize I'm not all I said I was.

(G) Or you could just tell her the truth.

-That's not an option. -So, does that mean we're going to the lingerie show to meet that producer?

I'm texting around to find a way in.

(Paz) Uh, yeah!

(G) Wait, wait, wait, hold up, hold up, hold up.

What about gold phone rule number one, only take what comes to us.

(Paz) Boo!

I want my lingerie.

You know that sounds gay, right?

Sometimes rules gotta get broken.

(Saint) Scar, I'm dying!

We all are, honey.

I've got the girls lined up for tomorrow night.

Come on.


Limo's waiting.

(Saint) Son of a...

(upbeat techno music)


(Bret) Bret R. plus two.

Not here, man, sorry. Back of the line.

My, my guy likes to keep it on the DL.

It's a rough game for him last night, huh?

Oh, you ain't lying, you ain't lying.

(Bret) Hey, big man, it's all cool if you wanna text The Saint, make sure we're legit.

I'll tell you what, chill here, let me check things out, all right?

(Paz) You never got on the list, did you?

(G) And you just broke gold phone rule number two.

(Bret) Yeah, yeah.

Just get ready to run if my plan fails.

I'm betting he still has The Saint's old phone number.

(G) You call that a plan?

(notification ping)



(Paz) Faux bro.

I gotta remember that.

(G) Easy, Jersey Shore.

"Fo sho"?

What are we, boys in the hood?

I'm pulling the chute, I'm out.

(Bret) Oh no, guys, come on, come on.

(bouncer) Whoa.

Well, looks like you're in, fellas.

Let 'em in, let 'em in.

Sorry about that.

Name's Roti.

Have a good time, fellas.

All right, playboy.

Nah, nah, nah.

Watching you all night, kid.




(G) Yo, this is off the hook!

(Paz) And they're serving appletinis.

Appletinis, Bret!

(Bret) Yo! Easy, killer.

Pazmanian devil stays in his cage.

(Paz) Name the last time he came out.

(Bret and G) Oz.

(Paz) Sure.

Throw that in my face.





Thank you, sweetheart.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you bring my wife another drink in the back?

That girlie one she likes.

All right, appreciate that.

Mm, mm, mm.

(G) So, uh, do you model?

(female #6) I do online porn.

(G) Wow.

I like porn.

(Bret) Keep an eye on the Paz man.

Gonna network.


(Scar) Text Saint "Boiler room C."


(Bret) Name any basketball player any year.

(Vance Avery) Come on, man, what are you doing?

Do I look like a game show host?

Breaking up ebony and ivory here.

Oh, okay, okay, you wanna play?

All right.

How about, uh...

Jefferson Whitmore, boom!

(Bret) Six foot four, 180 pounds, played at Arkansas.

First rounder in '81, 12th overall.

Three seasons with New York, then he went to Denver.

(Vance Avery) Ho-ho! Well, well, well.

You wanna close this deal with some PBG stats?

(Bret) 27.3.

(Vance Avery) Oh, boom!

What do we have here?

Vance Avery, man, and you are?

(Bret) Bret Reynolds. Future sportscaster.

(Vance Avery) You and everybody else, kid.


(Bret) Hey, by the way, Nikki Page says hello.

(Vance Avery) Oh, yeah, how do you know Nikki?

(Bret) We're hanging.

(Vance Avery) Oh, you must talk a good game, huh?

Beating out those high profilers, chasing that tail?


You got a real deal reel?

(Bret) You'd watch my reel?

(Vance Avery) This don't waste time.





(Scar) He didn't get it.

Did you text his new number?

(Roti) When did he get a new number?

(Scar) Recently.

(Roti) Well, yeah, I guess so.

(notification ping)


Business calls, ladies.


(Bret) The phone was granting my every wish.

Text by text, my dreams were starting to materialize.



(horn honks)




(muffled speaking)

(circus music)


(male rapper #1) * What what

(male rapper #2) * What it hit like

* Tell me what it hit like *

* Yeah, I'm talking to you, shorty, ain't no skin tight *

* Come to my station, I just ordered about 10 more bottles of the... *

(Bret) We're hitting the eject button.

(Paz) No way, I got one in my sights.

(Bret) Too bad!

Guess who I just saw playing kinky the clown?

My childhood idol?

(Paz) Oh, Scooby-Doo?

(Bret) What? No! The Saint.

Wait, he's here? Wait, I wanna meet him.

(Bret) Next time. Hey, G.

-Come on, we're out. -Are you loco?

I am making time with a porn star.

(Bret) You guys don't understand.

(Scar) So soon?

-That punk walked in on me. -Shit!

Oh no. He's talking to the bouncer.

(Roti) You mean that dude standing next to your boy?

-My what? -Your boy, your boy Bret.

(Saint) Look, I don't know that motherfucker.

Bring it in.

Roti, you watch the door.

Me and Scar, we'll flush him out.

Fuck him up on three.

One, two, three.

(all) Fuck him up!

(upbeat quirky pop music)

(male singer #6) * Man, you're stressing on the small things *


(G) Definitely time to go.


I'll check out your work.

(Paz) Yeah, me too.


(mumbling apologetics)

(female singer #3) * You gotta slow way down

'cause you're moving too fast *

(Saint) Come here.

(female singer #3) * 'Cause when you're running on a hundred *

Ah, bellissimo!


(applause from crowd)

(Paz) Gianna, I love you!

(Saint) I'ma kill you!

(Bret) Come on!



I can die now.

I had a dream about this once.

I love my phone.


(Paz) Again.

Marry me?

(Bret) Sorry, guys, we gotta go.

(G) Hi, Garrett Brown.

Hey, Garrett Brown.

Oh, wow, Garrett B-B-Brown.

(male singer #6) * And you worry about the wrong things *

* Gotta stain on your shirt, at least you had dessert *

* Man, you stressing about the small things *

* When the rain is dropping on Mary Poppins *

* Man, you're worrying about the wrong things *

(Scar) Easy, easy, we've got eyes.

(Saint) Bring me back to those girls.

(Scar) Too late, Gianna's wrapped.

(Saint) How did they get in there, Scar?

(Scar) Wait, wait, let me see your phone.

(male singer #6) * You had it, you got it

* Don't think about it *

(Scar) He's got your old number.

(Saint groaning)

(Saint) Shit!

(cameras snapping)

No, no!

I just want some pussy!


(G) I don't know, dog, it's been a fun ride, but it may be time to...

(Paz) Hang it up.

(G) So to speak.

You mean, give it back?

Guys, you can't be serious.

Things are finally starting to go my way.

I just had a potential career breakthrough, things are really happening with Nikki.

(Paz) Well, you're lying to her, cuz.

She thinks you're Mr. Money Bags.

(Bret) Wasn't it you two telling me I need to fake it until I make it?

Well, guess what, it worked.

And I'm not lying if I can actually get this job and become this guy.

Help us out, Henri.

Should I keep using this phone?

(Henri) Only the phone knows when it's time to disconnect.

(Bret) Yeah, thanks, useful as always.

(Parisian music plays)

(Henri) Hey, oui monsieur, you will get laid this weekend.

(G) Oh, that's good.

(Henri) But you will win the lotto.

(Paz) Wait, n-nah, right?

Here you go. Thanks, Henri.

(Bret) Not giving up my phone.

I had become addicted to the phone's power like a junkie looking for a fix.


Just scored a Tribeca loft.

I was hooked.

(television announcer) Looks like The Saint is going to hell.

(Saint) I just want some pussy!

(Scar) Okay, send me everything you have on him.

His name is Bret Reynolds.

(Saint) Where's this guy live?

(Scar) He lived on East 31st Street up until he got your number, then vanished.

Sneaky son of a bitch.

Numbers usually have a waiting period before re-release, but since we had to backdate yours by six months...

Goddamnit, do you realize the type of texts that came into that number on a daily basis?

This guy could destroy my image.

My marriage.

This could cost me my Under Armour endorsement.

Which is why we lay low until the finals are over.


You mean no sex.

(Scar) For all we know, this guy poisoned any number of contacts.

We can't trust anyone.

Let's just lay low until my guy pulls the phone logs, and then we'll decide on a plan of attack.

(Saint) But Scar, how am I supposed to play tomorrow night's game with no sex?

(Scar) Don't even think about it.

(Saint) Come on, Scar, I mean, this is business.

Don't be stingy, I'm desperate!

(Scar) Honey, unless you grew tits and a vajay-jay overnight, it ain't happenin'.


(announcer #2) Saint started off better tonight, but the magic, she would not last.

(Vance Avery) With New York down by 24 in the closing minutes, it was Coach B. who waved the white flag and took The Saint out of the game.

Just a shocking, shocking game five.

(announcer #2) Put a fork in it, they're done.

(Vance Avery) Lights out on the Knights.

(Nikki) Turn it off, just turn it off.

(Bret) Well, if you're gonna miss a game down in Philly, that was the one.

(Nikki) Well, it's a lot more civilized here than dealing with all those crazy fans at night.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

(Bret) What do you mean?

(Nikki) Well, let's just say if we don't win the finals, my charity's in some serious trouble.

(Bret) I had no idea, I'm sorry.

(Nikki) No, no, it's not your fault.


And, well, at least that really cute couple got engaged on the Jumbotron.

(Bret scoffs)

(Bret) Are you serious?

(Nikki) That's how my dad proposed, and they're still going strong.

(Bret) Yeah, the fact that he owns the team probably helps with that a little bit.

(Nikki) You are such a wise guy!

I happen to think Jumbotron professions of love are the most romantic gestures in the entire world.

(phone vibrates)

Oh, what's that?

(Bret) Sorry, it never stops.


And what's that?

(hip hop beat)

(Bret) That was the night I officially lost the stink.

And someone else was developing a bad case.

(Latin inspired music)

(Saint) Goddamnit, girl, would you put some fucking clothes on unless you planning on giving me some lovin'.

(Gianna) My heart still not trust, amore.


And you don't look so hot.

(Saint) But you do, sweetheart, come here.

(Gianna) Icky, take a shower.

And I go tan by pool...



You hear that, Horatio?

We ain't invited to the pool party.

(phone rings)

What did you find out?

(Scar) My guy hacked into the phone.

This kid Reynolds is either an idiot savant or just a colossal idiot.

He's been hitting the scene all over town by pretending to be you.

That piece of shit.

(Scar) Now, baby, baby.

I want you to keep calm, but it's my job to tell you.

You'll never believe which team owner's daughter he's dating...


(Vance Avery) Hey man, I have to admit, it's a killer reel.

You got skills!

(Bret) So give me a job.

Reynolds, do you have any idea how many sportscaster wannabes there are out there?

(Bret) Yeah, but how many have the balls to come up to you cold like that?

Okay, there's no doubt, you got some nuts.

Hi, Vance!

Oh, I know that sultry sound.

You tell darling Nikki I said "hello."

(deep exhale)

Okay, listen, I'm getting ready to cash a nice, big bonus, which means I'm gonna take a little vacay next week.

When I get back, I wanna get this new show in development, which means I'm looking for younger anchors who really know their stuff, but got the looks to lasso the ladies.

(Bret) I'm your guy.

(Vance Avery) Easy stallion, I gotta kick the tires first, okay?

Make sure you and I are simpatico.

So, uh, how about a night out on the town?

(Bret) Fine by me. Let me take you out.

I'll pick the place.

Done, and Reynolds, make it good.

(Nikki) So, how'd that go, my sexy sportscaster man?

(Bret) You know, baby, for the first time in my life... everything's falling into place.

(phone notification ping)

Anyone with half a brain would've figured out something was fishy, but not me.

Oh, perfect timing.

(female #7) He took the bait.

(Bret) The phone was officially in control.

(Vance Avery) Oh, ho-ho.

Always a pleasure doing business with you fine folks.

(Saint) Double D, when you arrive here with that motherfucker and his friends, bring 'em to VIP.

Bret Reynolds has no idea the kind of pain... he's about to feel.

(Vance Avery) Ouch, there was no coming back from this one as game six comes to a close.

(announcer #2) Could you imagine at the start of these finals that it would go to game seven and that tonight The Saint would have by far his worst performance made even worse by challenging the coach on the sidelines?

What we are watching here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, are the sins of The Saint.

(Vance Avery) Woo, I smell a meltdown.

(Scar) We'll take care of this guy tonight, and get you back on track for game seven.

(Saint) Scar...

I could give two fucks and a slice of cheese about the finals right now.

All I care about is taking down Bret Reynolds.

(Nikki) Bret Reynolds?

(Saint) Nikki, hey, what are you-- what are you doing here?

Well, I, I was worried about you.

And I have a charity at stake.

How do you know Bret?

(hip hop music)

(male rapper #3) * Rain man, rain man

* Do I play my cards right?

* Rain man

* I call you, you answer *

(Bret) Bret R. plus two VIP.

(Jules) Bret! It's me, Jules!

Excuse me, excuse me.

How the hell are you guys at Decadence?

(bouncer #2) Miss, get back in line.

(Jules) Chill, he's my boyfriend.

-Boyfriend? -We never had the talk.

(Bret) I've never seen her before in my life.

(bouncer #2) Miss, this is VIP only.

-They're not VIPs. -They're on my list, and you most definitely are not.

Now get back in line or I'm gonna get ugly.


(Bret) Boom.

(Paz) Oh no!

(G) Ugh!

(male rapper #3) * Do I play my cards right?

* Rain man

(techno club music)


(male singer #7) * I seen her dancing in the middle of the floor *

* Body moving, we let the music take control *

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Hey, no stop, let's go *

* Body rock and roll

* Hands are smooth, control *

* Till you can't no more *


(Double D) Credit card.

(Bret) Put it on The Saint's tab.

Text him to confirm.



Dude, you just broke gold phone rule number three.

(Bret) Yeah, it's like five hundo a bottle.

That's like full on thievery, bro.

Guys, The Saint is a total dirtbag and a rich one, he can afford it.

That's not the point.

Well, now's not the time to discuss.

(Paz) Uh, actually it is.

(Vance Avery) Whoa-ho-ho!

Nice hookup, Reynolds.

Oh, I love art.

Hey, what's up, what's up, what's up?

Be right with you guys.

Gotta finish this phone call with my broker in China.


No, ni fuckin' hao.

(Bret) Guys, Vance is my ticket in.

I'm trying to get a job here.

So, you get on board with that or you go fuck yourselves.

-Go fuck ourselves? -Yeah, that's right.

(Paz) Do you really think I would be here if I could do that?

Wow, The Saint's not the only one who turned out to be a real douchebag.

(Bret) Oh! This coming from the guy who turned this phone into his own private brothel, that means a lot.

All right, we're having an intervention.

Hand over the phone, Mr. Hyde.

(Bret) Don't even think about it.

(G) Give him the phone before your douchebag transformation is complete.

(Vance Avery) Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Everything copacetic there?

(Bret) Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all just, uh, insisting to pick up the check.

(Vance Avery) Well, well, well, look who's arrived!

Darling, Nikki, how are you?

(Nikki) Good, hi.

(Vance Avery) You look wonderful.

(Bret) Hey.

Sorry about the game.

(Nikki) Oh, it's amazing how quickly things just fall apart, isn't it?

(Bret) Guys, can you excuse us?

(G and Paz) Oh yeah, sure, no problem.


Nikki, I like you a lot.

In fact, sometimes guys do stupid things because we like someone so much.

(Nikki) Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

You don't have to make excuses for all my old boyfriends.

You are so much better than all of them combined.

Oh, another text.

You are justsopopular.

Aren't you gonna answer it?

-I'll check it later. -Oh, no, no, no, I insist.

It can wait, I need to tell you something.

(Nikki) Check it!


Uh, Bret.

Not now, G.

(Paz) Hey, Bret.

(Bret) I said not now...

(Paz) I think he knows.

(Saint) Bret Reynolds.

Let's rap.

(dubstep music)


You actually thought that you could use my old number and pretend to be me for your own personal gain?

You moron!

Scar, read him the tally.

(Scar) Oz, 2 Gs.

York House gratis bag, 11 Gs.

Multiple shopping excursions, 17 Gs, Bentley rental, 40 Gs.

Tribeca penthouse for six months, 80 Gs, for a total of $150,000.

(Saint) That's some serious bank, nigga.

Okay, hold on.

Look, I, I, I may have bent the truth a bit pretending to know you, but all of this stuff was offered for free.

(Saint) For me!

Not for some loser and his two fuckin' stooges.

(Vance Avery honks)

Game's over, Reynolds.

If I were you, I'd get good at flipping burgers.

Oh, Vance, come on, I can explain.


Who are you?

Nikki, I...


(Saint) Wait, Nikki...

I wanna give you the million dollar check win or lose.

How about we, uh, meet before the game in private?

Yeah, uh, my dad's office, seven o'clock.


See you there.

(Nikki) You know what?

You really are a saint.

(Bret) Oh, you have gotta be kidding me!

This guy is a total dog!

I can prove it?

You wanna see some of the text messages that come into his phone?

Don't you meanyourphone?

You are the only girl in my life.

I promise you know everything now.

(Jules) Bret, Bret!

I saw you come in here.

(Nikki) Who are you?

(Jules) I'm Jules, his girlfriend.

Who are you?

(Nikki) I amsoout of here!

She isn't, she is not my girlfriend!

(Nikki) You are such a loser!


So you guys aren't VIP, are you?

Thought so.

Totally a fan.




(Bret) And that's when my buddies and I got that serious ass whoopin'.

You know how I got my name, Bret?

I have divine powers.

I'm a walking miracle.

I wasmeantto be worshipped.

And you try and take that away from me.

You will live and die a mere mortal.

You arenothing!

Get rid of that number tomorrow.

Or next time you won't be able to tell which of your friends are which.

(Paz) That's messed up, 'cause I'm white and he's black.

(Scar) Yeah, boy wonder, we got it.

(Saint) Oh, just so you know...

I'm gonna win game seven tomorrow.

Right after I bang out your little girlfriend, Miss Page.

(intense music)

On her daddy's desk.


I haven't been this beat up since my Aunt Fifi's bridal shower.

(Bret) Guys, I'm gonna make this right.

(G) The ride's over, Bret.

(Paz) Yeah, you're on your own, pal.

(Bret) Oh, fellas!

Come on!

(soft rock music)


(male singer #8) * If we're going under, got my scuba gear *

* And I got one for you in case we take a dip *

* I ain't really good at swimming, but I heard you were *

* So you can help me out as we sail about *

* And with every kiss we share, I give you my breath *

* So, no matter how deep you gon' have some left *

* Peace out

* See ya later, world

* Free falling just me and my... *

(Ma) Well, you screwed up good this time.

I don't know what to do, Ma.

(Ma) Honey, I love you, but it's time that you became a man.

Figure it out.

And don't come home until you do.


(female singer #4) * All we have is far from love *

* Oh, you just gotta take my hand *

* 'Cause if we're going down, we're going down together *

* Na-na-na, na, na

* Na-na-na, na, na

* Na-na-na, na, na

* 'Cause if we're going down we're going down together *


(dog sniffing)


(male singer #8) * Head first we gon' splash that Olympic score *

(dog peeing)

What the...


God, you stink!

Stay away from me!

Come on, Stallone.

(Bret) The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh, and apparently he Indian giveth, too, 'cause the stink was back and in a bad way.

Ah, bonjour, monsieur.

Shitty day, huh?

(Bret) It's this damn phone, Henri.

It's ruined everything.

My shit is stuck, and I don't know how to fix it.

How about a dog to ameliorate the soul?

(Bret) Oh!

So, tell me, Henri, what do I do with this phone now?

(Henri) Ah, for this I have a simple solution.

Following your instincts will not do, but shadows always understand.

(Bret) What? Shadows may, but I don't.

What are you talking about?

(Henri) Uh, listen to the whispers of the grass.

It shall lead the way.

The whispers of the grass?

Come on, man!

Are you kidding me?

I am lost here, I need some help.

(Henri) What do you fuckin' want from me, kid?

(Bret) Whoa, Henri, your accent!

(Henri) Look, kid, it's actually Henry, okay?

Henry Sasnowitz from the Bronx.

(Bret) The Bronx?

(Henri) Yeah, the Bronx!

Let me give you the straight poop.

Everybody lies to get an edge up.

This whole French bit was my wife's idea.

When I first staked out this park, some ten-odd years ago, there was five other carts.

We was all fightin' for our lives.

So, I had to come up with something to differentiate.

Seemed like a good enough idea.

And it began to work, so I ran with it.

(Bret) Wow.

I feel like I just saw Santa Claus banging the tooth fairy.

(Henri) Sorry to disappoint you.

But hey, I still make a mean dog, no?

And at the end of the day, that's what really counts.



So, um, by the way, I'm a little short on scratch today.

Is it all right if I just pay...

(Henri) What do I look like? Meals on Wheels?

Get the fuck outta here.


And kid, some advice from the Bronx!

When your shit's stuck, call a plumber!


You are a fucking Yoda genius!

I love your dogs!

I love your dogs.


See you tomorrow, monsieur.

(punk rock music)


(Paz) I see you're calling from the old digits.

That mean you're alive?

(Bret) Barely, hold on, I'm gonna conference in G.

(phone rings)

Bretty boy, you still breathing?

(Bret) I got Pazzy on the line, too.

(Paz) Whattup, G?

-Paz man! -Look fellas, I totally understand if you're done with me, but I need your help right now more than ever.

If you choose to tell me to fuck off, I get it, but I am down on my knees, boys.

(Paz) You know that sounds gay, right?

(G) I think we all can agree that nobody here is blameless.

(Paz) Yeah, 'cause you may have been the monster, but G and I Frankensteined that shit.

(Bret) Oh, you guys rock!

(G) So, I suppose you want us to help stop The Saint from banging Nikki tonight?

(Bret) That's kind of a top priority.

(Paz) Well, we're here to help.

(Bret) Good. Paz, I need you to go to my mom's place.

-Get me a change of clothes. -You got it, bro.

(Bret) Oh, and my old flip phone, I have an idea.

But first, we need to stall The Saint.

(G) And how do you propose we do that?

(Bret) Call a plumber.

The mob may kill you, but the BCM can make your life miserable!

(Paz laughs)

Wipe front to back, I'll catch you later.

(phone rings)

Yo, Joey V., it's Paz, bro.


I hate to hit you up like this, but Bretty and me, we're in a bind.

Listen, let me make a couple of phone calls, I'll take care of this no problemo.

Yeah, yeah, I know those guys.

Yeah, Paz man introduced me to the appletini.

That guy cracks me up.

Yeah, yeah, I got a key to the back gate, no prob.

I'll spread the word, I'll meet you there.

Yeah, yeah, I know where he lives.

Sure, I know his driver.

Yeah, I'm happy to help.

What do you need?

Tell Paz you can count me in.

Yeah, I can get him into the game.

Hey, man, tell him to go the north entrance.


I'll hook him up with the AV guy.

(Bret) North entrance?

Joey, that's awesome.

Yeah, me and Paz owe you a night of Papa Mucci's.

You the man.

All right.

Gentlemen, one more call... and it's game time.

(G) Yeah!

("In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Grieg)


(Saint) * I got a date with the boss' daughter, 'cause I'm The Saint, baby *


Nikki gonna get all this man!


Let the shit storm begin.


(metal screeching)

(Saint) * I know you like it when I'm dirty, baby *

* I get dirty, baby Ooh!

Huh, what the...




(heavy breathing)

And now for the coup de grâce.


(pipes groaning)



(Saint screams)

(electrical short)




(construction worker) Whoa, what are you doing?

Back it up.

No one's going through here.

I said back it up.

Come on, Jeevesy, back your ass up.

(Paz) Ronnie fixed your old phone and texted you the files no problem.

Everything else is set up.

(Saint) Come on, come on, time is wasting.

Let's do it.

What took you so long?

(Bret) We stalled The Saint long enough to implement a strategy where we could lure Nikki away.

Places everyone.


Classic bait and switch.

(security guard) So, how do you know The Saint?

(Nikki) I don't.

My loser ex got into trouble with him, so he was forced to call me and arrange for The Saint and I to meet up.

(security guard) Sounds about right.

I was instructed to tell you to keep the lights out, and to wait beneath his desk.

No chit chat, just get down to business.

Oh, and, uh, he might use another girl's name.

Just so you know.

Whatever he wants.

(Bret) Yeah, Saint raced up to Phil Page's office and changed into one of his little kinky getups.

(instrumental music)


(mechanical whining)


Conference room screen now!

(quirky music)

(Saint) Nikki?

(Jules) Mm-hmm.

(Saint) Oh, ho!

You bad girl.

You knew just what it was gonna take to get this million dollars, didn't you?

Gotta hurry up, though.

Big daddy got a game here.

Put that on right there.

Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes.



This is a million dollar blow job, Nikki.

And worth every penny.

(Saint screaming)

(Saint clattering)

(Bret) Saint.

(camera clicks)

Now, that's a money shot.

(Saint) Who the hell are you?

(Jules mumbling)

(Jules) I'm Jules.

(Saint) Reynolds!

I'm gonna kill you!

Elevator decoy now!


What the fuck is happening today?

Get this fuckin' shit outta here.

(rattles gate)

(male singer #9) * As this time watches over me *

* Slide on, on a rainy day *

(Nikki) Oh, ho, oh!

You can keep your money, you creep!

(Saint) Fuck!

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, shit!



(soft techno music)



What happened?

Trapped where?

(dramatic intro music)

(Paz) Twenty-five, twenty-six.

(Bret) Got it!

(Paz) Hey!

(Ronnie) Here you go, just text the number I gave you.

It should work.

You guys pull this off, I'm buying.

(Bret) Thanks, Ronnie.

Where'd you get the microphone?

(Vance angrily screaming)


(mumbles) Hello?



Why aren't you dressed for the game?

(Jules) Hey, baby!

(Gianna) And who's this floozy?

(Jules) Hi, I'm Jules.

Do you happen to have a breath mint by any chance?

(shouting in foreign language)

(Saint) Gianna, we'll talk about this later, okay?

I got a game to go to.

(Jules) Wait, can you sign this?

(security guard) Sorry, ladies, only players beyond this point at game time.


(Gianna) That player is my husband for five more minutes.


(Phil Page) Hello, sweetheart.

(Nikki) Hi.

(crowd chants "Saint")

(Phil Page) What's the matter?

(Nikki) Oh!

Just some...boy troubles, Daddy.

(Phil Page) Hey.

You wanna punch it out?

-No. -Come on, it always used to work.

Afraid you can't take me anymore? Come on!

All right, all right, all right.

(sentimental music)


(Phil Page) Ooh.

It's that bad, huh?

You wanna talk about it?

Why is it that every guy is a lying jerk?


(Phil Page) Let me have it, come on.

I love you, sweetie.

(Nikki) I love you, Dad.

It all comes down to this.

(dramatic music)


Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bret Reynolds and welcome to game seven between the New York Knights...

Oh my God.

(Bret) The Philadelphia Founders.

(Saint) No, no, no, no, no.

(G) Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(Saint) Get your hands off me. I'm gonna kill him.

(Bret) I'd like to take a moment to tell the crowd here tonight and all of the viewers watching at home...

I'm a liar.

And I just majorly screwed up with the girl of my dreams.

(Phil Page) Tyrell.

Get that guy off my court.

(Nikki) Daddy, please, please, just stop.

Just let him talk.

(Phil Page) Is that the guy?

(Bret) Nikki Page, it's true.

I only met you because I inadvertently got The Saint's old phone number.

(Saint) I'm gonna kill him!


Get off me!

(Joey V.) You wanna know why nothing worked today, Saint?

Well, now you know.

Unless you want a problem with every electrician, plumber, and limo driver in the Tri-State area, you're not going nowhere.

(Bret) It all started when my ex, Jules, dumped me and started texting me pictures like...this.

(crowd gasps)

Oh my God!

(Bret) And this one.

(audience cheering)


(Jules) Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, that's me, that's me, that's me.

(Bret) Yes, yes, she is an awful human being.

So, I changed my number, and then I realized I had The Saint's old digits and when the offers started coming in... well, I couldn't say no.

So, yes, it's true, I lied about being rich.

I'm actually flat broke.

(crowd booing)

I know, I know.

I don't blame you.

As a result...

I betrayed the trust of a woman who I care deeply about.

(Gianna) You'll hear frommylawyer.

(Saint) Gianna! Gianna!

Mi amore!

(Bret) Okay, everybody, everybody calm down!

Everybody, okay, everybody wait--

Whoa, whoa, wait. I have another picture that I can show.

All I had to do was hit send and the picture of Saint and Jules would be splashed all over the world.

And as I looked at the fear in The Saint's eyes I couldn't help but feel that this phone somehow connected us.

We both understood its power, and with great power comes a lot of free shit.


(G) Oh!

(crowd boos)

(Phil Page) I'm sorry, sweetheart.

(Bret) All right, all right, all right.



(Saint) New York City!

That is enough!

This man is putting everything on the line here.

The least we can do is hear him out.


(officer) Anything for you, Saint.

(Bret) Thanks, Saint.

What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry to everyone that I've knowingly or unknowingly hurt.

I will earn back your trust.

I'm gonna make up for my mistakes and I will pay everybody back in full.

Even if it means I have to live with my mom until I'm 40.

I, I live with my mom.

And Nikki...

I just want you to know I am falling in love with you.

(Saint) That was deep. Truce.

(Bret) I'm kinda tied up at the moment.

(Saint) Yeah, don't worry about it.

Look, somebody's here for you.

(uplifting music)

(crowd erupts in cheers)

(G) Yeah!

(Paz) I'm crying again.

(Saint) What's up, New York City!


What's up?

What's up!


(Phil Page) Finally... a guy with balls.

(Ma) Hah, yes, yes!

You're finally a man, Bret!

And that girl has a sweet rack.

You did good.

We should talk.


(Saint) You could've destroyed me out there.

Why didn't you?

(Bret) You were my hero growing up.

(Saint) Oh, too bad I'm not that guy, right?

(Bret) Not yet.

But I wanna become the person that I was pretending to be.

Maybe you should try that, too.

(Saint) You wanna be a sportscaster, right?

(Bret) Yeah, like that'll ever happen now.

(Saint) I'll tell you what, after I win this here game, I'll do my first sit down interview with you.


(Bret) Uh, yeah! Deal!


(Saint) All right, all right, all right, all right!

Game time.

(Bret) Yeah, hey, good luck tonight.

(Saint) Luck? Not necessary.

Thanks to you, just the pick-me-up I needed right there.

Yeah, you know.

You know.

(male rapper #4) * I need a hero to save this game *

* From all these actors and lames *

* No I ain't namin' names *

(Bret) And that pretty much brings us full circle.

The video of me at game seven went viral.

The Saint granted his first tell-all interview.

And here I am now as your co-anchor.

(announcer #2) Fascinating.

Bret Reynolds, folks.

One man's journey from stink to fink then the pink.

Speaking of... bet that ex-girlfriend of yours is kicking herself right about now, huh?

(Bret) Well, as a matter of fact, she keeps calling me.

Might have to get myself a new number.

(announcer #2) Oh, zowey!

You heard it here first, folks.

And Jules, I'm not doing anything Friday night.

No, no, no, come on.

Just kidding.

I'm also available Saturday.

And until tomorrow, I'm Gus Jacobson.

(Bret) I'm Bret Reynolds.

We'll see you tomorrow on Sports Huddle.

(Gus) You know, you smell better than Vance, too.

(male singer #10) * Heroes make the sun rise in the morning *

* Heroes make the moon shine bright at night *

(Bret) Clean slate.

Buh-bye, Jules, forever!

(Nikki) Yes, convenient, she wants you back now that you're famous.

(G) Well, I doubt that's gonna happen.

Wow, I think it's official, Bretty boy, you have lost the stink.


(Paz) Ugh, get a room.

Let's go!

(car turns over)

So, what are the new digits, bro?

(G) Yeah, what's the lucky number?

(notification ping)

(Bret) Huh, that's odd, I haven't given this out to anyone yet.

(upbeat hip hop music)


(male singer #11) * New York City man

(soft rock music)

* New York City man


* Year 2002 I was caught stumbling around *

* There she was standing, man *

* I finally found my home *

* New York City man


(Vance screams)

(boards snapping)

(director) Action!

(Paz) Here we go!



Just a shocking, shocking game five.

-True dat. -All hats and no cattle.

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

Bricks all over the place.

Ooh, one just came through the window.



(director) Call the mark.

For dumping that...

(Bret) You having trouble there?

(G) You all right? Need help?

I'll make it-- come on, you good?

(Paz) Ah, the fuck?

Take a shower.

And I'll be waiting for you by the pool...nude.

(Saint) Well, if she waiting for me, shit, I'm 'bout to...

(crew laughs)

(Gus) That was some divine intervention from The Saint right there.

And in the immortal words of Jay Z, that shit cray.

You actually thought that you could use my old number and get the...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

(Vance) Woo, I smell a meltdown.

(Gus) She doesn't sweat much for a fat girl.

(Vance laughs)

(Vance) Oh my God.

(director) Soft sticks, mark.

Next time you give me the regular sticks, all right?

(crew laughs)

(director) And action!

* I was gettin' some head *

* Gettin' some head *

* From the boss' daughter *

* Got Nikki in my bed Woo, she gonna get all this man.

All this man. Woo!

(funny noise)

(Gus) Is he the one that went off the script?

(Vance) Yeah, I'm trying to stay on script.

-He went off the script? -He's a veerer.

(Saint) I'm gonna kill both of you, too, you know that?

Both of you are dead, too.



Can we bring them in?

Where's their fuckin' cue?

(Paz) I wanna know, too.

(Joey V.) You ain't going nowhere.

(Saint) I got little, little Joe Pesci.

(Joey V.) You ain't goin' nowhere.

(Saint) I got the little pizza delivery boy coming at me like that, man.

(Joey V.) You ain't goin' nowhere.

(Saint) I'll fuck your little Frankie Valli ass up.

(Joey V.) Let him speak!

(Paz) Oh, yeah.

What's wrong with you?


(director) Action.

How do you know Bret?

(Saint) I used to sell him pot.


(Paz) Let's go!!!

(director) Cut.

(board snaps)

(breathy whisper)

(male singer #12) * Ah, ah, ah, ah

* Buyin' cigarettes for the kids on the block *

* I know they're underage but I came here to rock *

* I say what I think, and they think that's a crime *

* But you can't cuff my mind *

(male and female duet) * A couple of misfits walking through life with our middle fingers up 'cause we don't give a *

* Just a couple of misfits trying to get a quick fix *

* Sellin' our soul for a buck *

* A couple of misfits walkin' through life with our middle fingers up 'cause we don't give a *

* A couple of misfits trying to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul for a buck *


(breathy whisper)

(female singer #1) * Nothing on a Monday night *

* Might as well act like a psycho *

* Bitches wanna start a fight *

* Little do they know I'm a ninja *

(male and female duet) * A couple of misfits walking through life with our middle fingers up 'cause we don't give a *

* Just a couple of misfits trying to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul for a buck *

* A couple of misfits walking through life with our middle fingers up 'cause we don't give a *

* Just a couple of misfits trying to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul for a buck *

(male singer #12) * A couple of misfits

* We don't give a (explosion) *

* A couple of misfits

* Sellin' our soul for a buck *

(soft blues music)

(male singer #13) * Palms leaning to the east

* There was a taste of summer blowin' in the breeze *

* The sun shined on our feet *

* The ocean air made it easier to breathe *

* And I was just thinking

* As you were winking

* How lucky I am to be alive *

* How funny that I've got you by my side *

* The ebb and flow

* The highs and lows

* Make us grow closer together *

(background vocals) * Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do