MacGruber (2010) Script

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Zeke! Hurry the fuck up!

Almost there!

Nighty-night.


Open it.

Load it up.

Sorry, I don't speak Russian.

Wait!

MacGruber.

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials.

MacGruber.

Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations.

MacGruber.

The guy's a fucking genius.

MacGruber.

MacGruber.

He made a fucking movie.

MacGruber.


Sir, I still don't understand why we had... to come all the way out here.

Because, Lieutenant, we need the best.

And this guy's that good?

Yeah. He's that good.

Then why isn't he on active duty?

Because... he's been dead for 10 years.

Hello, Colonel.

Hello, MacGruber.

MacGruber?

How did you find me?

You forget l taught you everything you know.

Not everything, Colonel.

Hello, Jim.

MacGruber.

This is Lieutenant Dixon Piper. Lieutenant, this is...

The legendary MacGruber.

Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret.

Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia... three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.

Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts... three Congressional Medals of Honor... seven Presidential Medals of Bravery... and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.

That was a long time ago.

Listen, Mac...

Colonel, with all due respect... whatever it is you're here for... the answer is no.

My life is here now. Everything I care about is in these walls. l'm a man of peace. This is my home, these are my people.

Hey, hey! Shit! He'll give it back.

Look, MacGruber. Two days ago, a Russian convoy... carrying the X-5 nuclear warhead got jacked.

Yesterday, reliable sources informed us it made its way to US soil.

That's not my problem anymore.

MacGruber, the X-5 is one of the most powerful nuclear...

Yeah, I know what the X-5 is.

Lieutenant, give us a minute, will you?

Yes, sir.

Mac, you're our only hope.

Your country needs you.

I think l've given more than enough to my country already.

Mac, if this is about Casey, she...

It's not about Casey. It's about a promise I made to myself.

Listen to me, Mac. No, you listen!

I'm out of the game.

Well, the game has changed. But the players are the same.

MacGruber, it's Cunth.

What?

We have reason to believe... the X-5 is now in the possession of Dieter Von Cunth.

Cunth.

Mac.

This is your chance to finally take him down.

Sorry, Jim. I can't do it.

If you change your mind...

Lieutenant.

Do you, Casey Janine Fitzpatrick... take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

Fuck you. to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Casey!

MacGruber!


I'm in.

What?

I'm in.

MacGruber. Thank God.

Your God can't help you, Jim. But I can.

So what do we know so far?

Very little, unfortunately.

We think Cunth smuggled the X-5 into the US... but we lost the trail before we could pin any hard evidence on him.

I was actually talking to the Colonel. Colonel?

Everything Piper just said is correct.

Thank you, Colonel.

Well, then, if you'll excuse me... it's time to go pound some Cunth.

Mac. lt's not that easy.

Sure, to us, he's a black market arms dealer. But to everyone else... he's become a respected businessman... and a major political donor.

He's untouchable.

Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.

I'll touch him wherever l want.

Now, Mac, one thing we have working in our favor... is that Cunth needs passcodes to make the X-5 operational.

It is imperative that Cunth does not get those codes.

Oh, thanks. Because before you said something...

I thought it'd be fine if he got them.

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mac.

This is a very tall order.

Word on the street is Cunth's put together a team... of the most ruthless criminals this planet has to offer.

Zeke Pleshette. Constantine Bach. The Culebra brothers.

It's a veritable dream team of killers.

Well, then, I'll just have to put together my own dream team... of killer-stoppers.

Regarding that, Mac...

Lieutenant Piper here is one of the best men we have.

He'll be your second-in-command on this thing.

I got a better idea.

No fucking way.

MacGruber, I know I'm not what you expected.

Let me guess.

One year out of the academy, zero combat experience... little punk thinks his shit don't stink.

Well, just to let you know... your shit does stink.

It stinks like shit.

If you'll just give me a shot.

Give this a shot.

My fricking nose!

Now, if you'll excuse me... it's time to round up a real team.

Asshole.


I got it, Rico. I got it.

Same old Frank. Always wants to go it alone.

MacGruber.

Man, I thought you were dead.

Last time I saw you, you had a grenade launcher in one hand... and an M-16 in the other.

And you had just ripped a dude's throat out with your bare hands.

Classic MacGruber.

So, looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.

You're looking pretty good yourself.

Well, every day's a workout... when you gotta carry around a 20-pound python in your jeans.

You and your dick comments.

It's fun to say them.

It's fun to hear them. That's why I say them.

And that's why I listen.

Wow, we had some good times together, didn't we?

We had some great times.

We're about to have some more.

Uh-oh! l know that look.

I need you, Frank. It's serious.

I'm putting together a team.

Then I'm in.


Two is a wonderful number.

And three is a crowd, that's true.

But four is the perfect number for sure.

If it's two kids and me... and you.

I love you.

That was beautiful, Vicki.

MacGruber. I thought you were dead.

So did I. But I'm not.

I'm alive and I'm putting together a team.

Good for you.

No, good for us. And good for America.

And good for fans of justice and truth.

Because you're on that team.

I can't.

Just give me one good reason, Vick.

I do.

And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick... to be your lawfully wedded wife?

No!

I lost my best friend that day.

I did, too.

And now we have a chance to get revenge.

Revenge? It's Cunth.

I'm sorry, I've started over. My life is my music now.

If you change your mind.

It was good to see you, Vicki.

Is everything on schedule?

Yes, sir. We should have the passcodes by Tuesday.

Wonderful. Beautiful.

Have you ever been to D.C?

No, sir, I haven't.

I was talking to the missile.

All right, you guys strapped in?

Yes! Tag 'em and bag 'em, MacGruber!

Yeah!

Just like old times!

Shit. l gotta go deal with the brass.

Fuck the brass! Let's go, man.

Hang tight.

Fuck the brass!

Fuck the brass!

Fuck the brass!

One second, Grubes.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, sir. Well, we got MacGruber on this team right in front of us.

No, we're certain it's Cunth.

How's your nose, rookie?

It's fine. I just banged it into a giant vagina.

So, my face is a vagina, huh?

Well, I bet you wish your nose was a dick... so you could use it to fuck butts.

I forget. The last time I saw you... did I remember to tell you how ugly l think you are?

No, you didn't. Well, I think you're really ugly.

I think you're looking in the mirror. You want to go?

Any time, any place.

I'm starting to like this guy.

Just kidding. I still hate you.

Well, I hate you. You want to go?

Hey, guys, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Cool it.

So, MacGruber, we understand you've recruited quite a team.

Quite a team? Yeah, you could say that.

Frank Korver, Tanker Lutz, Tut Beemer, Tug Phelps, Vernon Freedom, moi.

Yeah, I'd say it's a pretty good team.

Look, Mac, are you sure you won't change your mind... about letting Piper here join you?

He'd make a hell of an asset.

Oh, I would love to, but the van's pretty full.

You see, it's filled with American heroes with over a hundred years of combined combat experience... and a whole lot of brotherhood.

And no, you can't ride in the trunk, bud!

'Cause the trunk is filled with over 75 pounds of homemade C-4 explosive... that l personally packed in there with my own two...

Oh, fuck!

No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Tut, Tug! You guys okay?

Oh, somebody's gotta be in there!

Oh! Oh!

Call 911! Call 911!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

They were nice funerals.

Yeah. What did you think of my eulogies?

Very touching.

I might have cut back on the F-words a little.

Well, they were fucking great guys.

And this is a fucking asshole of a day.

I know.

It's just that their kids were there.

They laughed.

Because of your use of heavy language.

Well, fuck 'em.

I should have been in that van.

But you weren't.

No, I wasn't.

And nobody's gonna regret that more than Cunth.

MacGruber, about that.

Look, l'm taking you off the case.

I'm sorry, I must have heard wrong.

'Cause I thought I just heard you say...

''MacGruber, about that.

"Look, I'm taking you off the case."

That's exactly what I said.

Damn it, Jim. You can't do that. Okay?

I'm the best chance you got.

You told me yourself at the monastery.

But the game has changed!

But the players are the same!

Mac, I got no choice.

Look, you've been through a very traumatic experience.

You're too close.

And without a team behind you...

I just can't chance it.

I'm sorry, Grubes.

Sir, I just... Piper.

Where's the Colonel?

You gotta help me. They want to kick me off the mission.

Well, under the circumstances...

Fuck you, dickhead! All right.

Wait, wait, wait! I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.

What do you want, MacGruber?

Join my team. What?

Join my new team, and tell the Colonel I can do this.

I can't do that.

Okay, don't make me beg here.

'Cause I will do it.

I am so sorry.

I'm so goddamn sorry.

Look, I'm freaking out here.

I killed them. I killed them all!

I'm so fucking stupid!

I don't know what I'm doing and everybody hates me!

Look, I will suck your dick.

I will suck your fucking dick.

I will do it, just join my team.

I'll suck your dick.

You can fuck me or get fucked by me.

You can watch me fuck something.

Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you.

Come on, just tell me what you want me to fuck!

Jesus Christ, MacGruber.

Just tell me what you want me to fuck.

Okay, I don't have any lubricant. Do you see any Wite-Out?

Or, like, copy toner should work, or...

Put your pants back on. What are you doing?

I don't know!

I don't know what l'm doing! I'm so fucked here!

I am so fucked.

Come on, MacGruber.

It's not so bad.

Oh, it's not?

The man who killed my wife... is in control of a nuclear warhead... and I can't do a goddamn thing about it!

And it's not so bad?

Cunth killed your wife?

It was never proven in a court of law... but I saw it with my own eyes.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

This mission was my chance to do... what I should have done 10 years ago.

And I blew it.

MacGruber, we have a chopper waiting to take you... back to Ecuador.

Well, Colonel, I'm sorry I let you down.

Piper.

I'm in.

Lieutenant?

I'm in. I'm on the team. Really?

Sorry, Lieutenant. Two people don't make a team.

But three do. Vicki?

I heard about what happened.

I thought you could use some help.

What about your music?

It can wait.

Dixon Piper, Vicki St. Elmo.

Hi.

Well, Colonel, looks like I got myself a new team.

Looks like you do, MacGruber.

Looks like you do.

What are we doing here, MacGruber?

Well, it's simple, Vicki.

Cunth owns this place, so if we wanna find out where that passcode deal is going down... we gotta turn over some stones.

Nice car, dickhead!

Fuck you!

K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.

So we're gonna see if we can't make some contacts... gather some intel?

Something like that. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.

Can I help you, bro?

Yeah, I'll have the X-5.

He doesn't know anything. Come on.

Turn off the music.

Turn off the music!

Turn off the fucking music, or I will kill this woman!

I'll do it. I'll kill her. I will snap her neck.

Don't worry. She's with me. She's safe.

Hi.

But I can't say the same about the rest of you!

Whoa! Son of a bitch!

I'm sure that some of you guys are just here on vay-cay.

But most of you are big pieces of shit... who are somehow connected to Dieter Von Cunth.

Now, this guy is up to something incredibly illegal and astoundingly deadly.

''Allegedly." I should say that for legal purposes.

But don't worry.

'Cause I am coming for him, and I am going to kill him.

Who am I, you ask?

My name is MacGruber.

Remember that name!

Capital M-A-C-capital G -R-U-B-E-R!

Anyone wants to come find me...

I will be at the Gold Street Cafe tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.

Please spread the word, ya frigging turds.

Whoo! Whoo!

That went great. That was fucking tits.

MacGruber, what the hell was that?

It's called "sending a message."

And I think it will be received loud and clear.

That's what I'm worried about.

Why?

Because he thought you were dead.

That was a huge advantage.

Yeah, and now he's going to be coming for us.

Exactly. It's all part of the plan.

What is the plan?

I kind of make it up as I go.

That's not really a plan, then.

Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, l'm not good with plans.

And l'm not good with clues.

What I am good with is kicking ass and ripping throats.

So Cunth is gonna come after me? Well, bring it on.

'Cause then he'll be on my turf, playing my game.

And that's not a game I plan on losing. Let's go.

K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.

Wetter. More.

Sorry to disturb you, Dr. Cunth.

Shoes.

Sorry, sir.

What is it?

Some lunatic smashed up the club last night.

He said he was coming after you.

Oh, I'm terrified.

Said his name was MacGruber.

MacGruber?

Well, well, well.

Alive after all these years.

MacGruber, MacGruber.

Bring him in.

I don't have him, sir.

You let him go?

They didn't feel he posed any real threat.

They actually thought he was mentally handicapped.

No real threat.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you remember the assassination of President Jimmy Carter?

No, sir, but that never happened.

No, it didn't.

Do not underestimate this man.

He can be quite a fly in the ointment.

Understood. So what would you like us to do?

Round up a couple of flyswatters.

Yes, sir.

MacGruber, your toilet is disgusting.

Gotcha! It's pretty good, huh?

Can we talk about this, please?

Well, there's nothing to talk about.

Everybody knows that rats like cheese.

And you, Vicki, are the cheese.

But you're the one he wants to come after.

Why can't you be dressed like you?

Because...

You are.

I have to say, I have some serious concerns about this operation.

If you think that I would let that monster Cunth... touch one hair on Vicki's head... then you're sorely mistaken.

Thank you.

He'll get close to her, possibly dangerously close.

And of course, in this line of business, anything can happen.

But l know that Vicki can take care of herself.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Don't worry.

When you turn around at gunpoint... and they see that it's not me... they are gonna be so furious... they're not gonna know what to do.

And that's when we got them.

Hmm.

What?

You just look really pretty.

Thank you?

Come on, Piper. Come on, MacGruber.

All right, Vick. If we're gonna draw this bastard out... he's gotta think he's got eyes on the real live MacGruber.

Okay.

Okay, don't worry, we got your back.

We're only seven blocks away, so if anything goes down...

Seven blocks?

Okay, you got me. About 20 blocks.

But if anything goes down, we'll be right there.

Wasn't anything closer?

Nope. There were tons of spots closer.

Yeah, with meters.

Fine. Look, I don't think I should be talking to you anymore... because people are gonna be staring at me and thinking that l'm talking to myself.

And I don't want to attract attention.

And I'm at the counter... so just gonna order now.

Can I help you?

Can I have a small latte?

No, no, no.

MacGruber would never order that.

I'm all about the large Tazo tea.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Can l change that?

Can I get a large Tazo tea?

Sure. Anything else?

No! No!

Sorry.

Can I get your name?

I'll let you take this one, Vick.

Um... MacGruber.

Good job.

It's gonna be $3.45.

Yes, it is. That's what it is every time I get it.

Thanks.

No, Vicki, no tip. What are you doing? Get that tip back.

I have to...

I'm sorry.

No, say you're not sorry.

I'm not... I'm not sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry. As me, I'm sorry.

Wow.

Okay, now why don't you move down to the end of the counter?

Further. Further... Stop! Stop!

MacGruber.

That's me.

Now, here is the most important thing. Listen carefully.

With your left hand, lift the cup up to your mouth.

Open your lips, then tilt the cup back until the liquid...

Down, down, down!

We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

Hand me that Incredi-Mop!

I'm a little busy at the moment!

Hand me that lncredi-Mop, and that is an order!

Fine!

No! Oh, my God! No!

Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, my God.

Vicki? Oh, my God! You're alive?

Yeah, we're alive. We're coming over there. Meet us out in the alley.

Okay.

My teammates were getting shot.

They're alive. They made it.

Thank you.

That was nice work with that lncredi-Mop.

Yeah, it would be a good commercial for their product.

I'm not so sure that it would be.

Hoss Bender. Dead at the age of who-the-fuck-cares.

MacGruber!

Vicki.

Ooh.

MacGruber, I was so worried about you.

Well, I was really worried about you, too, Vick.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, I only have, like, two of these vests... so if either of them got shot up... it would be a real bummer for me.

I mean, they're not expensive.

But they're really hard to find. Yeah, I got it.

Hey, guys! I found Hoss' car.

Oh, mama!

That's a whole lot of wampum.

He's got every strip club in the city in his GPS.

Hoss Bender, what the hell are you planning on doing... with all this money?

I think it's fairly obvious.

He was going to use it to buy the pass...

Buy the passcodes! Yup.

Got there at the same time... maybe even slightly before you.

Yep, he's gonna use it to buy the passcodes.

This is weird.

He has an appointment this afternoon, and all it says is "STD."

Been there.

STD is also code for the old Stansfield rail yard... which is about 10 miles from here.

I'm just going to pop that into this GPS.

Yeah, pop it in.

Well, what do you know? It's already routed.

What do you say we go get ourselves some passcodes?

Yeah, but if Hoss doesn't show up, they'll abort the drop.

Who said Hoss isn't gonna show up?

Okay, now, before we do this, any questions?

Why do I have to be Hoss?

Because you're good at what you do.

And why do I have to be you?

First of all, you will never be me. And second of all...

I forget your question.

Okay.

So it looks like we're dealing with three guards here.

Then it's three on three.

Okay, so once we take out the guards...

Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss... and then we'll just... you know, see what happens.

You ready? Wait.

Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?

Piper, there's a big difference between winging it... and seeing what happens.

Now let's see what happens.

No, thanks. What?

MacGrubie don't play like Homey.

And Homey don't play like that.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.

I'm saying I don't use guns.

So it's true what they say about you.

Guns are for the weak. Guns are for the stupid.

No offense.

Let's see, what do we got in here?

A piece of cloth, a spool, a tennis ball...

What are you doing?

Making a little distraction.

What the hell is that?

What the fuck?

Now!

Jesus.

Now! Now! Now!

Yes!

I gotta admit, that sort of worked.

Sort of worked? I just killed three bad guys.

They're dead because I shot them.

Because they were distracted.

Okay, now, piece of advice.

When you use the old celery trick... you're gonna wanna go with the thick end.

Seems counter-intuitive... but if you go thin end first... it just slides right out and you're...

You're wasting your time.

I'm never, ever gonna do that.

Never ever say, "Never ever." Okay, follow me.

That's Constantine Bach and Zeke Pleshette.

And if I'm not mistaken, which I never am... that briefcase-carrying pile of shit has the passcodes.

All right, Vick, it's go time.

Do I really have to do this?

Nice one, Vick. Start walking.

Okay, I'm walking.

Nothing bad has happened yet.

I'm still alive.

Look, you're gonna be fine.

This is just like Nicaragua.

I got shot in Nicaragua.

Don't worry, this is nothing like Nicaragua.

Okay.

Okay, I think I see you through the window.

Now just walk on in here, and, I don't know... fingers crossed.

This is so exciting.

Okay, now head through the entrance, slowly.

And don't worry.

Remember, they think you're Hoss Bender... so it's gonna take them a little while to...

That's not Hoss!

Oh, my God!

Shit!

What are you doing?

Making a homemade grenade!

Can I borrow your gun? I need something to stir this with.

No! I'm using it! Use your finger!

Watch your tone!

Oh, hold on! Don't worry, I got this one.

Damn it, they got the passcodes!

Hey, guys?

Vicki! You all right?

I lost the money.

And I peed my jeans.

Sorry.

I peed them.

Gross.

I washed it.

I didn't.

Looks like this cell phone's all we got.

Then we better make the most of it.

'Cause at this point, this is our only connection to the X-5.

Holy shit! It's ringing! Vicki, call tracer.

Call tracer.

Set to jet, MacGruber.

Now remember, MacGruber... you gotta keep him on the line long enough to get a location.

Don't worry. I've done this before.

Listen to me, you piece of shit. Hoss and Zeke are dead... and if you don't tell me who this is...

He hung up. Did you get it?

No. Wow.

Damn it. ls that thing working?

Yeah. But you gotta keep them on the phone for at least 20 seconds.

That was 20. That was maybe three.

Shit! You're right. Shit, shit, shit!

Second chance! In your face!

Listen to me, you piece of shit. Hoss and Zeke are...

That's my phone. Talk to me.

MacGruber, it's Faith.

Colonel! How's it going?

What's the mission status?

Positively banging, Colonel. Right, guys?

Oh, they're jazzed. How's everything at the P-Gon?

Well, we do have one lead.

You probably already know about it.

Cunth's having a fundraising event at his mansion tonight.

We do know about Cunth's party... and we will be there with bells on.

Absolutely not, MacGruber.

Sir, I'm not gonna wear bells.

No, Mac. You are not to enter that party.

Right now, Cunth has no idea you're even alive... and that is a huge advantage to us.

Yes.

This is surveillance only.

I want to know exactly who comes through that door.

Is that clear?

Loud and.

So, Cunth is having a party?

Yeah, he is.

And guess who just made the guest list.

Guess who just made the guest list.

Us? Yes.

For the record, I think this is a really stupid move.

Don't worry, l'm gonna keep a real low profile.


May I take your coat? No.

Your car stereo?

Nice try.

Okay, I think our definitions of low profile... might be a little different.

You think? Where's Vicki?

She arrived 10 minutes ago. She's out back.

I'll find her in a sec.

First, I got a little business to attend to.

MacGruber, come in.


Jesus Christ.


Where have you been?

Sorry, I just took an upper decker in the master bathroom.

Upper decker?

Yeah, it's where you take a dump in the water tank and not in the bowl.

You look great.

Thank you.

Look, Vick...

I'm going to need you to poke around, see what you can dig up.

I'm way ahead of you.

You see that guy over there?

I saw him coming out of Cunth's office.

I think he's one of his goons.

Which guy?

That handsome guy.

That guy? You think he's handsome?

Yeah, he's very handsome.

Really? Well, if you think he's so handsome... then why don't you marry him?

No, seriously.

If you think he's so handsome, go marry him.

Leave the case. Piper and I will do it. Okay?

Is he that handsome to you?

Are you willing to quit your job for him?

No. Good.

Now that's the guy I want you to check out.

He's teeming with intel.

What?

Follow that guy, and that is an order.

And stay away from that guy... who I actually would describe as ugly.

And that is another order.

So, two orders.

Piper, you got a location on Cunth?

He appears to be in the south wing.

On my way.

That guy.

I will see your 25,000 and raise you 50.

He's bluffing.

I can tell by the look in his beady little eyes.

MacGruber. We've been expecting you.

Bet's to you, Senator Garver.

I'm all in.

The Senator's all in for $750,000.

Call.

Straight flush. Damn it!

My associate will assist you with your debt, Senator. Good night.

Sorry about that. Really.

I thought he was bluffing there, so...

Thank you, MacGruber.

You just made me a teeny-weeny bit wealthier than I already am.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something useful to do with it.

Your companion's a very beautiful young woman.

Thank you.

Hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am.

This is my daughter.

Hello.

Sorry.

He killed my wife.

Will you excuse us for a minute, please?

Where's the X-5?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Where's the fucking warhead?

What would I want with a nuclear warhead?

I never said it was nuclear.

That's right, because most warheads are filled with air.

You know, I ran into Zeke Pleshette and Hoss Bender the other day.

Really? How were they?

A lot less dead than they are now.

Oh, really. That's too bad.

Yeah, it's too bad for you. 'Cause they were a part... of your little dream team of thugs, weren't they?

Oh, that's right. You got me. Past tense. They were...

Yeah, it's really quite a sad story, actually.

What do you mean?

I had assembled the greatest dream team of thugs... in the history of the world.

I had them all in one room... and I also had some homemade C-4.

And wouldn't you know it, it exploded.

And I lost them all.

You're shitting me. You're shitting me!

Well, we have a lot in common because l basically did the same thing...

Oh, no, wait. That didn't happen to me... because l'm not a fucking retard who blows up his own dudes.

Fuck you, Cunth.

And by the way, I have a new team now.

Not only do I have Vicki St. Elmo...

Maybe you've heard of her?

But I also have one of the greatest young military minds around.

I mean, this guy's the real deal.

And we're gonna stop you.

Well, you certainly have a healthy imagination, MacGruber.

But I don't know anything about a warhead, nuclear or otherwise.

You're lying. And you're a piece of shit.

We're all done here.

Would you show Mr. MacGruber the door?

Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.

First l'm gonna kick you in the chin... breaking your jaw in four places.

I'm gonna take you and karate flip you over my back... and then knee your nose into your brain, killing you instantly.

I do wanna get throat rip in here.

I think that's gonna be you, small fry.

One thing I do know, at the end of the day, Cunth...

I'm gonna rip your dick off and shove it in your mouth.

And that is non-negotiable. Who's first?

Shit!

My fucking back.

You did not just do that. That is a Blaupunkt!

You owe me a Blaupunkt!

Where's Vicki?

I'm not sure I can do this.

Vicki, where are you?

Don't do it for yourself. Do it for your family.

Vicki!

My family?

Good night, Senator.

Vicki, l just got thrown out of the party.

- I got thrown through a window. Shh.

Threw my Blaupunkt out, too.

And it's broken, and I'm really fucking bummed about it.

MacGruber, I'm watching Senator Garver talk to Constantine Bach.

Oh, well, I'm glad that you're having so much fun checking out all the cute guys at the party, Vicki... but there's a nuclear threat going on... and we could use all the help we can get.

So can you please get out here?

Fine.

First of all, great party.

Let's get that out of the way.

I loved the music, I loved the dancing... the sushi, excellent.

I particularly enjoyed being humiliated... by MacGruber in front of my daughter and all my guests.

By the way, does anyone know how he got in?

He walked in the front door, sir.

He walked in the front door.

I imagined there'd be a more complicated explanation than that.

Sorry, sir.

Jeff, there's no need to apologize.

I appreciate your honesty.

Would you move a bit to your left, please?

Sir.

Great.

Anyone else feel like being honest?

Great, hang that in the foyer and go kill MacGruber.

Damn it, MacGruber!

I specifically told you not to go in there.

I got him exactly where I want him.

Do you? 'Cause l think it's the other way around.

Agree to disagree, Jim.

Look, I'm really sorry, okay?

''Sorry'' is not going to keep us safe from this goddamn warhead!

Mac, you've turned into a liability.

And l have no choice but to take you off this mission.

And this time, it's for real.

But he has the passcodes now!

Because you couldn't stop him.

Jim, you can't do this.

Oh, l can and I just did.

I will suck your fucking dick.

I will let you fuck me.

I'm sorry, Mac.

It's over.

I can't stop thinking about that envelope that Senator Garver got.

I bet there was some kind of a clue in there.

It's cute that you're still thinking about that, Vicki.

But, trust me, there's nothing to Garver.

I have a feeling in my gut.

Yeah. Sorry.

No, you have nothing to be sorry about.

Both of you guys have just done a great job.

If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.

If it's any consolation... being with you the last few days...

I've learned a lot.

All of it was what not to do... but that's an important part of the learning process.

I'm gonna go use the ladies' room.

Number one or number two?

Number none-of-your-business.

That means number two.

Shut up!

So when are you gonna make your move?

What are you talking about?

Come on, man. You can see it from a mile away.

Shut your butt!

No, seriously. You two are perfect for each other.

I mean, look, don't get me wrong. She's a good woman.

Loyal, great at what she does... good-looking, rocking bod... smooth dresser, talented lyricist.

But l can very confidently tell you... that Vicki and I will never ever be like that.

Never ever say, "Never ever."

No, this time I can.

After Casey, I made a promise to myself... that I would never be with another woman.

Must have been really hard.

Why did he do it? Why did Cunth kill your wife?

To this day, I have no idea.

We actually all went to college together.

Believe it or not, we were very close friends.

Then after graduation, he got engaged to her.

He asked me to be his best man... and right about that time...

I started banging her and mowing her box.

She was actually the first person...

I felt comfortable enough around... to let eat out my butt.

Anyway, shortly thereafter... she left him for me.

She was actually carrying his child at the time.

I asked her to terminate it, obviously... so we could start fresh.

And she agreed.

We were so in love.

And he took that from me.

That's really fucked up.

Thanks.

You know, you're a good guy.

And I need to apologize for something.

No, you don't. No, I do.

I treated you so badly.

I guess l just felt threatened by you, believe it or not.

And I'm not used to feeling that way.

I mean...

I'm fucking MacGruber.

Water under the bridge.

You know it.

You know it!

Another beer, Grubes?

Let's see, we got Molsons...

Shh.

What?

We got company.

Piper! No!

Vicki! Get behind him!

Get in, get in, get in! I'm trying to get in!

Stay low! Stay low!

Oh, my God, is he dead?

Yes! Yes, he's dead!

Oh, fuck! Holy shit!

Oh, my God. I thought we were goners.

How did you know I was wearing a bulletproof vest?

You're wearing a bulletproof vest? Awesome!

What, you didn't know?

No, of course I knew.

I knew the whole time, yeah.

Pull over and let me out.

No. Why?

Because you just used me as a human shield!

I did not! No, I didn't! Yes, you did!

Vicki, did I just use him as a human shield?

Yeah, you kind of did.

Okay, you're blowing this out of proportion... and thanks.

Pull over.

Pull over! Fine.

Did you just kick my car? Oh, no, you don't.

No, you don't! Real mature!

You suck, MacGruber!

Bye, Piper! Get home safe!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

My God, what happened to your leg?

It's nothing. MacGruber, you've been shot!

I wish it was through the head.

Don't say that.

Come inside. Let me get that bullet out of you.

This is gonna sting a little.

I'm going to remove the bullet now.

Do you want to bite down on this?

I deserve pain.

I don't know what happened back there.

I just freaked out.

Everybody makes mistakes.

No.

Not me.

He didn't die. But he could have.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Or maybe the Colonel was right.

Maybe l've lost it.

Why do you stick around?

Because I believe in what you're doing.

You do?

Yes.

You're an amazing man.

You're gorgeous, you have a perfect body.

A great sense of style.

You're smart and brave.

Yeah.

Casey was a very lucky woman to have a guy like you.

Well, you're a very special woman, too.

Tell me, why didn't you ever settle down?

I've only ever loved one man.

He's taken.

Oh.

He's married?

He was.

But she's still in his heart, God rest her soul.

I just hope he doesn't blame himself... for her getting blown up at their wedding.

Maybe one day... you'll get the courage to tell him how you feel.

Maybe.

I got it.

MacGruber.

Sorry.

I always get an erection... when a beautiful woman uses a pair of pliers near my balls.

MacGruber.

Thank you.

I better get you sewn up.

No.

Leave it open.

I like holes.

I'm a virgin.

Not for long.


My God, l'm gonna frigging explode inside you.

I'm going to spill it.

I'm going to fill you up.

I'm going to fill you up.

What? I'm going to fill you up!

Okay. Just let me do the talking. Sorry.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!


You were amazing.

I have to go.

What's wrong?

I have to go.

Oh!

Shoot!

MacGruber!

MacGruber! Wait!

I'm so sorry, Casey.

I just made love to another woman.

I can't help but feel that l've betrayed you.

It's okay, MacGruber.

Casey?

It's okay.

Be with Vicki.

But I can't do that to you.

You have to move on with your life.

I don't know what to say.

Then don't say anything.

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

I'm going to shoot.

I'm going to fucking shoot.

I'm gonna shoot, too.

Let's shoot together.

Okay.


I shot.

I did, too.

Now go, MacGruber.

Go tell Vicki how you feel about her.

I will.

Oh, and Casey?

Thanks.

What are the chances?

Go for Grubes.

MacGruber. Oh, sweet.

Look, I just wanted to apologize for how things went down the other day... and give you the good news.

Good news?

I'm all ears.

We just received intel that Russian special forces have recovered the X-5.

That's great!

I want to be there when you take Cunth down.

MacGruber, listen. We were wrong about Cunth.

He's not involved.

It was Chechen rebels.

Jim, you're wrong about being wrong. This is textbook Cunth.

I'm telling you, Mac, he's clean.

Yeah, as clean as a pig dick.

Look, Jim, this has gotta be some kind of distraction... so he can use the X-5.

And my gut tells me he's gonna use it soon.

I don't know what he's gonna do...

Oh, my God.

Jim! Jim! Cunth is gonna nuke the State of the Union!

MacGruber, this intel comes from a very reliable source.

Now, do me a favor. Take some time off.

Just go to a beach somewhere... kick off your boots and drink a few Molsons.

I have a better idea.

I'm gonna go save the world.

Hey, what the fuck?

Fuck you, asshole!

That's my car!

Senator, tell me again where you got this intel.

I'm sorry, Jim. I had no choice.

Vicki.

I'm so sorry, Vicki.

What the hell?

Vicki?

Vicki?

"Songs for My Gruber."

Oh, Vicki.

Vicki. Where are you?

Hello, MacGruber.

Cunth. What did you do with Vicki?

Oh, I haven't seen her.

I somehow stumbled on her cell phone.

Listen to me, Cunth.

I know what you're planning, you frigging turd.

Look, if you care at all about Vicki's cell phone... you'll stay away.

If you don't, I'll smash it... into a million, trillion little pieces.

Do you understand me?

I understand. Or at least I think I do.

Vicki's cell phone is Vicki, right?

Goodbye, MacGruber.

Dieter, wait!

Look, uh...

I just wanted to say that it's been really good... to mix it up with you.

And, you know...

I think that you would admit that we make... pretty damn good adversaries.

And, you know... thanks for being there, dude.

Wow. I didn't expect that. Thanks, MacGruber.

Cunth, one more thing.

Uh... Let's see, how do I put this?

Uh...

Oh, yeah. I cannot wait to cut off your dick and shove it in your mouth!

Goodbye, MacGruber.

Time to go pound some Cunth.

Boom.


Thanks for doing this, Pi.

And, look... sorry about last night.

It was a real rookie maneuver.

Let's get something straight.

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing it for all the innocent people out there... whose lives are at stake.

Well, my life is just as at stake.

So in a way, you are doing it for me.

And I thank you for that.

You know what? Just stop.

That's all you do, is talk.

You talk and you fuck things up.

And I rip throats.

I seriously doubt it.

Oh, you do? Well, then, I guess you'll see.

Will I? Yeah, you will. And so will they.

Sorry to bother you, sir, but... Colonel?

Colonel!

MacGruber was right.

Looks like 11, 12 that l can see.

But there will be more inside.

Well, I hope they got a ditch dug out back for all the bodies.

Otherwise things are going to get real smelly here later on.

That's a pretty gross way to look at it.

Well, I'm a realist.

I don't know how many people you're planning on killing... but I am definitely going to kill that guy with the pony...

Shh! Shh.

No, just let him pass.

We don't want to attract any more attention.

MacGruber?

Oh!

Jesus Christ.

Pretty cool, right? Bet you weren't expecting that.

Yeah, that was really disgusting.

Well, get used to it, 'cause that's my main move.

Besides, he would've done the exact same thing to me if he had the chance.

No, he wouldn't have. He would've shot you, not...

Down, now.

All right, that was too close.

We need a new point of entry.

Let's move!

Vicki, Vicki, Vicki.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

What was that? Didn't quite catch that.

Stick it where the sun don't shine, Dieter.

Oh, yeah? Where might that be?

Your butt?

Up your butthole?

Let's just put this back in, shall we?

Now, I know MacGruber's after you.

And I can't wait. You know why?

'Cause I'm going to watch him watch me kill you right in front of him, and then...

I'm going to watch me kill him... in front of a mirror.

And then, l'm going to watch some TV.

I hope there's something good on.

This will be one of the most anticipated State of the Unions in history.

I'm told the President is about to enter the chamber.

Oh, good. I love disaster movies.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

And then I told her, ''Not for long,'' and then we rammed.

You what? Yeah, I humped her.

I don't want to use the F-word...

'cause I don't want to diminish its beauty in any way.

But it was fucking great.

And I've never felt that way about a bone session before.

Yeah, sounds really special. Thanks.

This looks like the main duct.

We should be right underneath the control room.

Oh, yeah. You ready?

Time to go pound some Cunth.

Yeah.

What? Nothing.

No, what?

It's just I've noticed you say that line all the time.

It's a good line.

Is it?

Yeah. I know good lines. I'm really good with them.

I work them up, and I even have a line for after I defeat Cunth.

Great. Can't wait to hear it. Practiced it in a mirror. It is ready to go.

Yeah, you'll hear it. You'll know.

I'll look at you and... Yeah, you'll know.

Should we get going?

Okay. Okay.

Oh, I can go...

You go. You go.

Miller, do you copy?

Miller, are you there?

God damn it, Miller.

Throat lozenges?

You're going to want to take the whole box.

Awesome. Got another throat rip in.

Cool.

Might go for the turkey.

The turkey?

Yeah, it's a bowling term for when you get three strikes in a row.

And I applied that to throat rips.

That's sick.

Maybe.

But if ripping throats gets that warhead back...

I'll suck as many dicks as it...

Rip as many throats as I have to.

Did you hear that? No.

Okay, good.

Awesome! Check this out.

Hey, Cunth.

Guess who's in your stupid compound.

It's me, MacGruber!

And I am with my brother from another mother...

Lieutenant Dixon Piper.

What are you... Let me do this. What are you...

Let me do this!

Just lick it up. Back on the air, fuckface!

Kill him.

Now, look. Even though there are only two of us here in this, call it a control room, we are going to destroy you.

Control room! Now!

So anyways, come on over to the control room.

We'll be waiting, and we have a little surprise for you.


Pretty good idea, huh?

Which one, the desecration of the corpse... or the water ambush?

You know, you make fun of this stuff, but trust me... that is going to buy us some serious time.

They're in the machine room!

Machine room! Go!

Okay, I rounded up this wrench... and I already have this bottle cap.

But be on the lookout for one large brown egg.

Shut the fuck up, MacGruber!

I am trying to help here!

There are too many guys. I need you to take two of these guns.

I told you, I do not use guns.

Well, you better start... because sticking a piece of fucking celery up your ass... ain't gonna hack it this time.

I'm not going to use a gun! Why?

Because...

I don't know how. Okay?

I don't fucking believe it.

They scare me.

Do you want to save Vicki?

Okay, okay. So what do l do?

You point it and you shoot it.

Okay, okay. Okay, here goes.

Oh! I got a barrel!

Aim for a person! Oh! Good call, good call. Okay.

Oh! Oh! Oh! I got that guy! Did you see that?

I think I actually got him, but you're doing a great job.

Thank you. I'm going to take those two guys out.

No, no, no! I want to do it! I want to do it!

This is so awesome!

This is so much better than those stupid fucking gadgets I used to make.

We gotta make a run for that door.

We're gonna go on the count of three... and whatever you do, just keep shooting.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ready? We just keep shooting?

Yeah. Okay!

One... two, three!


That was a close one.

Where are the guns? Shh. Shh.

We got company.

Nice gun butt.

One of us should probably finish him off.

You really want that throat rip, don't you?

Well...

I mean, yeah, but l know you're not into it, so.. .

Hey.

Go for the turkey.

Really? Yeah.

Thank you.

No, thank you. For trying to save my life.

Well, I owed you one.

Put her there, Grubes.

That's it.

Vicki's in there.

I can feel it in my balls.

Vicki!

Hi!

Game's over, gentlemen.

Ah! MacGruber.

You're just in time.

You guys hungry? You want a potsticker, a Molson?

We made a pretty substantial Costco run.

Might not be able to get food for a while, so we got enough... for, like, an entire nuclear winter.

Constantine, would you be a lamb and take these two... while I have a little fun with MacGruber, here?

Kneel.

Kneel!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for that upper decker you left me.

I can't wait to kill you.

I want my mommy!

What, is MacGruber gonna rip my throat out?

No, I want your throat to stay right where it is so I can hear you scream bloody murder when I cut off your dick and shove it in your mouth.

Tonight!

That sounds like a real fun Tuesday... but I've already got other plans.

Oh! See, in about four minutes...

I'm going to turn Washington D.C. into a pile of ash.

And then I've got a big pile of money to count.

How do you make money killing millions of innocent people?

Really? I thought that was clear.

Uh... Someone pays me to do it.

You see, I can't say who 'cause that would be gossiping.

It's the Chinese.

You make me sick.

How could you do this?

Oh, I'm not doing it. You are.

You're mad. You're mad!

Incensed. Disillusioned by a government you blame for the death of your wife.

Your trampy, backstabbing wife.

You killed Casey. You killed Casey!

Not according to your manifesto.

What? What are you talking about?

Your manifesto.

In here... you blame the government for the death of Casey... and you're going to make them pay dearly for it.

Cunth, you gotta believe me, I didn't write that.

I'm being framed by somebody. I don't know who it is... but you gotta believe me! This has been a big misunderstanding...

Oh, my God! It's me. I'm writing it.

I'm the one that's framing you. Me.

You son of a bitch! You'll never get away with this.

Oh, God. Colonel Faith knows all about this, and he is going to...

Colonel Faith? He's dead.

What? You're lying.

Am I?

Screw you, Cunth!

Is that an invitation?

Ew! No.

Okay, can we get on with your deaths now?

But first, there's something I've been wanting... to do for a long time.

Anyone up for a little trim?

No. What are you doing?

I just want you to look good in your coffin.

Don't fucking do it, Cunth! Don't do it!

Boys.

No!

Oh, look at me!

I'm MacGruber. Hey, I'm gonna go pound some Cunth.

You wanna go? Fuck you, fuck you.

Hey!

What the fuck?

Now, Vicki!

l didn't think you used a gun.

I don't.

You punch like a little girl.

Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl.

'Cause after I disarm this nuke...

I'm gonna cut off your dick and...

Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record.

The only record I'm gonna break... is the ''amount of your own dick in your mouth'' record.

Launch commencing in three minutes.

Three minutes, MacGruber!

Let's move!

MacGruber!

All right. Don't worry, gang.

I've been in this situation before... and nothing bad has ever happened.

Right, Vicki?

All right. Before we start, there's something I need to say here.

Vicki, I have been doing so much thinking since we had intercourse last night...

MacGruber, the bomb!

You're right, you're right. Okay.

Piper, toss me that copper wire.

You got it, MacGruber.

Vicki, that ball bearing.

Here you go, MacGruber.

Piper, those pliers.

Coming at you, Grubes!

Hurry up, MacGruber!

We're running out of time!

Vicki, make me the happiest man on the face of the Earth.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Yes! I porked Casey's ghost last night. We can talk about that later.

All right, we got a nuclear warhead to... Holy shit!

What's wrong, MacGruber?

What the fuck is this?

It's a warhead, MacGruber. You can defuse it, right?

Are you kidding me? Look at all this crap.

There's, like, a million wires in here.

I'm more like a three-wire guy.

Look at this wire. Where does this go?

What does that.. . There's a green one.

There's, like, a bunch of green.

Launch commencing in two minutes.

Two minutes, MacGruber!

Yeah, I heard it, Vicki! Jesus, nag, nag, nag!

I'm really sorry, sweetie. l'm so sorry.

MacGruber, can you do this or not?

No. I cannot defuse this missile.

Bravo, MacGruber!

I expected no less from a washout like you.

Once again, I win. You lose.

I didn't finish my sentence, Dieter.

No, I cannot defuse your missile. But I can do this.

Launch commencing in one minute.

No! A nuclear warhead's... not quite the same without its thermonuclear core.

Damn it!

It doesn't matter.

There's still enough ammonium nitrate left in that warhead... to blow up the White House and Congress, combined.

Right again, Cunth.

Of course, it's going to be awfully hard to fly it without...

the guidance system.

Weak!

So l guess you do win.

And your prize will be getting blown to smithereens... in about how long, Mrs. MacGruber?

Thirty-two seconds!

Well, we better scoot. We do have a wedding to plan.

Let's move.

Launch commencing in 20 seconds.

Toodle-loo.

MacGruber!

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, zero.

Classic MacGruber.

I love you both.

Theirs is a love that knows no bounds.

A love that heals in times of sickness.

A love that forgives in times of anger.

A love that loves in times of love.

Vicki wrote that. Hmm.

It's beautiful, honey.

Thank you.

Now, is there anyone here with just cause why these two souls... should not be joined in holy matrimony?

You scared me!

Bye.

Then let's get to it.

Do you, Vicki Gloria St. Elmo... take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, MacGruber... take Vicki Gloria St. Elmo to be your lawfully wedded wife?

No!

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.

Are you all right? I'm okay.

No, Vicki, don't.

I gotta admit...

I'm kind of glad you're still alive.

'Cause there's something I've been wanting to say to you for a long, long time.

Hey, Cunth, suck your own dick.

Come and get it.

What the fuck? Where is it?

It was blown up in the explosion.

You are shitting me!

Are we done here?

God damn it!

Are we... No, we're not done here!

Piper!

Fuck you, dude!


I do.