Madea's Witness Protection (2012) Script

Yeah, Walter. Hi, it's George.

I know it's my third call on a Saturday, but I'm having a bit of a problem with the Lockwise Helping Hand account.

Now, I know it's your baby, and I know you'll straighten it out, but, well, I'm thinking of heading into the office today to see if I can sort it out.

So, no problems. We'll see you on Monday.

Don't worry about it. Give my Iove to Rebecca. Bye-bye.

Barbara, stop it. No.

You need this. No, I will not.

George!

George, yes. Where is George?

I would Iike to speak to him. I don't know.

I don't even know who you are, young Iady.

George. Thank God.

George, who is this young Iady?

Here, honey. That's...

I can't do this.

That's my wife, Mom.

No. She's too young.

How old is she?

We were married nine years ago, remember?

She's nine years old?

Our marriage is nine years old, our marriage.

She's the second one.

No. I adored the other one.

I know, Mom, but, you know, she tried to kill me.

No, she didn't. That was just a Iittle hit-and-run.

Yeah, well, I was in traction for two months.

I don't remember that.

Here you go. I Iike this one.

Well, that's the most popular one. Yeah.

There you go.

We aren't done with this. Yes, I know. I know.

And why are you wearing a shirt and tie on a Saturday?

I have to go into the office.

You're going into the office? Yes.

When? Now.

George, aren't you forgetting something?

No, I'm not.

I Iove you.

Nice try. Your son.

You promised him you would take him to his baseball game today.

I'm not telling him this time. You do it.

Honey, I'll be back in time. The game doesn't start until 2:00.

1 :00.

I'll be back.

Mom, Dad, Grandma isn't eating.

God, I hate old people.

Watch your mouth, young Iady.

Why? It's not Iike she understands anything we're saying.

You know what? I've had just about enough of your attitude.

Hello? You Iistening? iPod. They were made to ignore the stepmother.

George?

Honey, would you take those things off, please, and Iisten to your mother?

Okay, she is not my mother.

She's the mother of that thing.

You're the thing. You're a thing.

You're a thing, sister. Don't call me that.

Dad, I'm really excited about the game today.

It's gonna be so cool having you there.

Jeremy's dad is always there, but he yells at me if I miss the ball.

Well, that's not gonna happen today, son.

Now, I've got to run to the office, but I'll be back in time to take you to your game.

You promise?

Scout's honor.

Don't forget. I:00.

He's not coming.

That was the Star Trek sign.

He's a Trekkie.

And so am I.


Morning, Jackie. Hello.

Don't you wish it was this quiet every day?

Be careful what you wish for.

Gotta be mine

Gotta be strong A Iittle while And you got nothing to be guilty of You might not wanna sing that song.

Okay. Shred everything.

My shredder's broken. I need another shredder!

Here we go! Who's got one?

Don't Ieave any evidence. Nothing. Okay?

Put 'em in a box! Let me through. Let me through.

Shred everything! Here, here. Right here!

AII the boxes!

AII right. Grab those two! What are you doing?

Just get it in here! Anything!

I got one more!

Is it the Iast quarter? Yeah.

Dump everything!

George, come in here, buddy.

Come in, come in, come in.

Walter, what's going on?

Hey, Iisten, pull your money out of the bank, cash in all your stocks and bonds by 10:00 a.m. Monday morning.

Why?

Well, CNN is doing one of those investigative reports about Lockwise Industries.

That's fantastic. That'll be great for business.

Not really. They're gonna say we've been running a Ponzi scheme for seven years.

Well, they can't say that, Walter. That's Iibelous.

I mean, this firm's been operating successfully for over 100 years.

Yeah, yeah, they're focusing on the charity division, Helping Hands.

Helping Hands has been going strong for over eight years.

I should know. I'm CFO.

Yeah. Yeah, you are.

Could you say that again, the part about the CFO?

I'm CFO. I should know.

Right. Perfect, perfect. Thanks.

Walter, are they reporting that it's our division?

Yeah. Your division.

But I have all the records.

Say that again.

But I have all the records.

Perfect. Now shred them.

Walter. Yeah.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that all the monies that came into Lockwise Industries' Helping Hands charity investment group are part of a big, old Ponzi scheme.

What?

Yeah. Christ.

It worked for a while.

I almost feel bad for hanging you out to dry Iike this.

You should see your face, dude.

And by the way, this is not gonna be pretty for you.

I feel awful.

Horrible.

What? But...

For me?

You were a Iowly accountant, remember?

And then I pull you out of bookkeeping and make you the CFO.

I mean, you had no experience whatsoever. None. None at all.

I had worked here five years prior to that, Walter.

I was working hard. I thought I earned it. You did work hard.

Nobody earns it around here. I had to bang my way to the top.

And there's a Iot of big women on the Board of Directors here.

And that was hard, and it was hard to stay hard.

So don't talk to me about "hard."

Okay? You were paid a seven-figure salary for exactly this reason.

What reason?

So you could take the fall. Man, you've been paid to be screwed.

Kind ofjealous. Oh, well.

Walter, I knew nothing about this.

Yeah, I know. I know. Sorry.

Would have ruined it if you had, kind of.

Well, that explains why I couldn't get those accounts to balance.

Now you're thinking.

What about the charities? Walter, 82 charities.

They think their monies are safe.

I'm handing you over to the Feds, and all you care about is the stupid charities?

By the way, there's only 12 charities.

There's 82 charities.

No, there's 12. The other 70 companies were set up by the Malone family.

Awkward.

The Mafia Malones?

You've been Iaundering money, dude.

Yeah, this is gonna be really awful for you.

Hey, man, be careful when you start your car.

This is not happening.

A Ponzi scheme? A Ponzi scheme?

Walter, where are the investors' monies?

Walter? Walter!

Okay, calm down. Calm, calm, calm. Calm down.

That's it. That's it.

Just calm down.

I'm not calming. I'm not calming. I'm not calming.

Hey, boss, just the person I wanna see. What do you have?

So I've been Iooking into the Malone crime family, right?

And the more I Iook at them, I'm finding that they're connected to this company that does a Iot of charity investment work, called Lockwise.

Yes?

I think they may be Iaundering money through them.

We've been after these guys for years. Yeah.

Why don't you see what you can find out, okay?

Okay.

Thanks a Iot.


George?

I've been calling you for hours.

Yeah, I know. I know.

How is he?

He was upset, but he'll be fine. That's good.

Is it true?

What?

Come on, George. Don't play games with me.

AII the wives were talking about it at the field today.

Honey, I swear I had no idea this was going on.

Okay? None.

I walked into the office, and there's Walter, and he's saying, "Why don't you shred stuff? Shred whatever you have.

"Shred what's in your desk. Just shred everything."

And I'm going, "What's going on?"

And he's saying, "You're gonna take the fall for this, "because it's a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi scheme, and you're the one.

"You're going down, 'cause you're the CFO."

You know? I mean, they gave Bernie Madoff 200 years, honey.

What do you think they're gonna do to me? What do you think they're gonna do?

And what's gonna happen with the kids? What's gonna happen?

Howie's afraid, you know, "Dad, you missed a game."

I'm gonna miss 38 seasons.

Sweetheart, I'm in trouble.

Calm down. Okay.

We need to get a Iawyer. A Iawyer.

And then you need to go to your mom's and go find your mom's Valium.

Get a Valium out of my mom's purse.

Okay. Can you do that? Like right now. Okay.

And you need to calm down.

Honey. It's gonna be okay.

It will be. It will be. Yes.

You know, minimum security. It's not that bad.

Hey, Madea.

Hey, Lorraine, how you doing? Good to see you.

Lord, it's a zoo up in there on the first of the month.

Excuse me, ma'am. You wanna take this? I don't feel Iike taking it back.

Thank you so much. It's crazy up in there. Be careful.

They ain't taking that EBT card. They stopped taking that.

I got to go somewhere else that take that.

Yeah, I got to go burn up my EBT card.

Give me your money.

That's a cute Iittle gun you got, boy. Get out this car.

Lady, I will stab and shoot you. Give me your money.

Son, I'm gonna tell you this one time, okay?

I want you to get out of this car and go on about your business.

Go get you a job.

You ain't supposed to be stealing from nobody working as hard as I...

What the hell you got to come over here and steal from the poor for?

Get out the car. This is your warning, son. Get out the car. Now, go on.

Then give me your money!

I worked for years to get my Social Security. Now, I finally got it.

I ain't on no fixed income.

I'm on a broke income, 'cause I'm broke as hell.

Now, I want you to get the hell out of this car.

This is your chance. Get out of the car, son. Go on, now. Go get you a job.

I'm gonna ask you one more time, old woman.

I'm gonna tell you one more time.

Look here! Get out of this car. Go find you a job. Do you understand me?

They got people all over the world that is working hard, and y'all young thugs gonna come try to take money from somebody.

That makes me mad. Now, you about to make me mad.

You about to piss me off. Now, get on out the car, son.

I'm gonna count to three. Okay.

One, two, three.

Four.

Five.

I thought you was gonna count to three. Son. Son, son, Iet me tell you something.

Get out the car and go on about your business.

Now, this is your Iast chance. This is your Iast chance. Now I got to go.

One more time. One, two...

Three!

Let's go this way.

Put your seat belt on. You need a car seat?

Come get my money!

Trying to take my damn money that I worked this hard for.

Lady!

I don't got insurance, Iady!

Slow down! Slow down!

You're screaming straight up Iike a Iittle biatch!

I want to go home!

You want the money? You come get it. I come get the money.

I'm a real thug! I'm a real thug! You crazy!

Oh, my God!

Jake!

I'm sorry. Take it.

Hey, what do you got?

Well, just got off the phone with the SEC, and it seems that this Lockwise charity is definitely a Ponzi scheme.

COO, one Walter Burns.

CFO, George Needleman. Never heard of him.

Let's arrest them both.

Well, it turns out that Burns is on a private jet, according to the FAA, to Europe. Took off five hours ago.

So I'm sure he's gonna fight extradition. But our boy, George, now...

Boy George? I Iove Boy George.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon You come and go You come and go Sir?

Sorry.

George Needleman? Our guys should be knocking at his door at any minute.

Great.

Well, it'd be great if we could get him to testify against the Malones, but that may be a tall order.

Okay, but no deal for him.

Look, I'm tired of these people sticking it to the poor.

Sir, if we don't offer him a deal, what incentive does he have to testify against the mob?

It's very simple, Brian.

If he testifies, the Malones will probably kill him.

If he doesn't, he goes to prison for the rest of his Iife.

It's a win-win.

Sir, I think we should consider...

No, you don't. I want him fried.

Now, get our agents there before the Malone family gets to him.

Yes, sir.

Hi, it's George Needleman calling for Jeffrey.

Yes, I'll hold.

Where are my car keys?

You don't drive anymore, Barbara.

I know that.

Dad, I wish you could have been there today.

Honey, your dad was very busy.

You suck. You should probably just give it up.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

And I just tweeted that.

Dad! Howie, stop.

Your dad's on the phone. Eat your dinner.

Okay, thank you.

What'd he say?

Well, his secretary said that he would recommend an attorney, but that he didn't wanna represent me.

After all those years of business with him?

Yeah.

What about Jeffrey?

Nobody's returning my calls.

Has anyone seen my car keys?

Mom, you don't drive anymore.

Is it Hanukkah?

No, it's not Hanukkah.

Yes, it is. That's why that nice young man asked me to deliver this package to George.

And it's a Iong drive, and so I need my car keys.

Mom, who gave you this?

In the backyard, this man with a shiny, black suit and black, shiny hair.

George, there's a note.

"You tock from me."

"Take," honey. That says "take."

No, I think that's "tock," honey. T-O-C-K.

Just read it.

Well, the man obviously needs a spelling Iesson, not to mention his grammar.

Can we open the present now?

Mom, you know what? Let's not open this.

No, this is ridiculous.

Oh, my God!

It's a dead rat. I know.

What does this mean?

AII rats die.

Oh, my God. George.

Don't move. Just stay here, okay?

Don't move.

Stay here.

George Needleman?

Yes.

FBI. You're under arrest.

No!

I can't believe this.

You can't make bail. Your accounts are frozen, George.

Well, here's the thing.

I haven't done anything wrong. I just wanna go home.

That's not gonna happen.

The Malone family is trying to kill you, George.

We've been given orders to keep you protected.

What does that mean?

It means you and your family are coming with us.

We have a problem with Needleman.

What happened?

I think Malone's boys know that we're gonna offer him a chance to testify against them, so they sent their signature.

Is he all right?

Yeah, we're getting him out of there now.

Good, I'll get on the phone with the US Marshals right away...

No, no. No, no. They can't go into one of our regular safe houses.

The Malones have penetrated our guys before.

You can't make bail. Your accounts are frozen, George.

Well, here's the thing.

I haven't done anything wrong. I just wanna go home.

That's not gonna happen.

The Malone family is trying to kill you, George.

We've been given orders to keep you protected.

What does that mean?

It means you and your family are coming with us.

We have a problem with Needleman.

What happened?

I think Malone's boys know that we're gonna offer him a chance to testify against them, so they sent their signature.

Is he all right?

Yeah, we're getting him out of there now.

Good, I'll get on the phone with the US Marshals right away...

No, no. No, no. They can't go into one of our regular safe houses.

The Malones have penetrated our guys before.

Now, get up. I'm up. I'm up.

Probably dreaming about Skittles and Coca-Cola and Pepsi, diet soda and Mountain Dew and Honey Buns, and damn Krispy Kreme and everything else.

So you're up?

There you are, Sadie. You must iron the sheets.

Mr. Needleman gets very angry if there are any wrinkles.

Honey, who the hell is Sadie?

Don't you use that kind of Ianguage with me.

'Cause I'll have you fired. Do you understand?

Mrs. Needleman. Okay, I get it.

The mall is open, but there ain't nobody in there shopping.

We need to move him to someplace safe now.

Good idea. What do you suggest?

I don't know, but first thing tomorrow morning, they're on a plane headed here.

You figure it out and tell no one. Not even me.

Sir, I've got kids at my house.

I don't know what I would do with a whole family of...

I don't know. You've been a prosecutor for over a year.

This is a big case for you, Brian. Handle it.

George Needleman? Our guys should be knocking at his door at any minute.

Great.

Well, it'd be great if we could get him to testify against the Malones, but that may be a tall order.

Okay, but no deal for him.

Look, I'm tired of these people sticking it to the poor.

Sir, if we don't offer him a deal, what incentive does he have to testify against the mob?

It's very simple, Brian.

Yes, sir.


Jake.

What you doing here?

You know, I'm just helping your auntie out.

What'd you do?

I tried to rob her.

Boy, what is wrong with you? I thought you gave up the gang banging.

What the hell? I'm in trouble.

My dad put me in charge of the church's mortgage payoff fundraiser.

I think I may have Iost the money.

How?

I invested in some company, and now they won't return my calls.

Jake, come on, man.

I know, and he's gonna kill me!

He just wanted to pay the church's mortgage off so that he could retire in peace.

Look what I did. And he's so sick.

I mean, those people at the church told him not to make me trustee of the money.

But you know what my dad did? "What your dad did, Jake?"

My dad went up there and told them I was a changed man!

You know what else he said?

He said, "Everybody deserves a second chance."

Calm down, man. You know? He said, "Everybody."

Jake. Jake. He did that for me.

And you know what? Hey, hey, hey.

Calm down before Madea comes out and slaps the hell out of you.

Look, Brian, I need you to help me get this money back from Lockwise.

Lockwise Industries? New York?

Yeah.

That is a Ponzi scheme, man.

I don't know how I can help you get any money back from there.

We're investigating them.

A Iot of people invest in these companies, and those guys Iive this Iavish Iifestyle.

They spend all the money, so there is no money.

And whatever the government can find, maybe it's pennies on the dollar that they can get back to the investors.

I don't know how I can help you, man.

Brian, I got to get this money back.

How much money you talking?

$114,000.

You were robbing Madea? Madea doesn't have that kind of money. What were you...

Jake, don't tell me you were gonna rob a bunch of old women.

How many Iittle old Iadies you think you gonna have to rob to get $114,000?

114,000.

Boy, get your ass off my porch and go home!

Yes, ma'am!

Help me get this money back.

Oh, man. Auntie Madea, man.

What am I doing?

Hey, hey, Madea.

Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian.

Hey.

I don't know why the hell you go in the bathroom and Ieave the toilet seat up, Mabel.

Hey, Daddy.

Do I know you?

I'm past 18 now. You can stop pretending Iike you don't know me, so you don't have to pay child support.

Hey, son. How you doing? I Iove you so much. So good to see you.

You want something to eat? I'm making a sandwich for Joe.

I wouldn't eat that, son. I wouldn't eat that at all.

I believe she be trying to kill me for my insurance money.

You ain't got no insurance money.

In that case, I'm gonna eat this sandwich she done made.

I'm not trying to kill you for no insurance money.

I'm gonna kill you 'cause I want you dead.

I just want you completely dead.

Just no Iife in you at all. Just not breathing. Just maggot food.

Here, son, try to taste that for me.

Hey, I'm not tasting that. Thank you.

What you doing here, son? What you want?

Well, I wanted to talk to you, Madea. I have...

You want some money or something? I ain't got no money.

You don't need to be coming over here asking me for no money.

Daddy, I didn't ask you for any money.

Good. Then Ioan me some, 'cause I need a Iittle change for my Friday night Iights.

What are you talking about?

I be running them hoes, dawg. I be running them hoes.

Shut up, fool.

I ain't got no money either, Brian. What you want? What you come by here for?

Well, I came by with a proposition.

I just thought, you know, you might wanna make a Iittle extra money.

You know, the Iast time a man told me he had an opportunity for me to make a Iittle money, I ended up in Mexico, chained to 20 other women, walking down the street, just selling myself.

You do need some money, don't you?

Yeah, I could always use a Iittle bit of money.

Hell, things been tight around here.

I was even thinking about going back to my old job.

Stripping? No.

Hooking? No.

Robbing? No.

Hit man? No.

Slinging?

No.

I did have some hustle back in my day, though.

I was doing a thing. I was doing a thing back then.

I done got the better now.

Good those days are over here, 'cause you too big to be on a pole, Mabel.

I'm gonna tell you right now about that pole. You know, they done switched them.

When you was back there dancing, they had them telephone poles you used to swing on.

Now, they got them Iittle brass poles. I seen them.

You'd bend or broke one of them. You'll bend it.

Your big ass'll break that brass.

Big ass and brass don't mix.

Joe, shut up, please. Just die. Stop breathing. Okay? Stop breathing.

I'm talking about going back to work at an old folks' home where I used to work.

No, no, you don't have to do that. I got a great idea.

AII right, here's the situation.

I've got five people that are in a Iittle bit of trouble.

One of them is a witness on a case that I'm working on.

And I was wondering if they could stay here for a while.

Just for a couple of months until the trial is over, maybe?

Here? No.

You better shut that up now. Ain't nobody coming up in here.

Hell to the no. Ain't nobody...

You better hush that up now. Ain't nobody coming up in here.

Daddy. What?

No, that's just crazy.

Have some criminal up in this house, Iooking all crazy, and police Iooking...

Hell, that's how Mabel Iive every day, ain't it? That's your Iife.

Shut up, rectum.

Go to hell.

Now, get up. I'm up. I'm up.

Probably dreaming about Skittles and Coca-Cola and Pepsi, diet soda and Mountain Dew and Honey Buns, and damn Krispy Kreme and everything else.

So you're up?

There you are, Sadie. You must iron the sheets.

Mr. Needleman gets very angry if there are any wrinkles.

Honey, who the hell is Sadie?

Don't you use that kind of Ianguage with me.

'Cause I'll have you fired. Do you understand?

Mrs. Needleman. Okay, I get it.

The mall is open, but there ain't nobody in there shopping.

Is somebody after them?

Yes, ma'am.

But, wait a minute. I would not ask you to do this.

You're my aunt. I know they'll be safe here.

Not one person would know they're here. This is the safest place for them.

That's some bull. He's trying to sell you a Ioad of bull.

What'd they do? I can't tell you that.

But I can tell you this. I can tell you this.

You know, you, you pack. You know? Ain't nobody gonna mess with you.

And this is the safest place for them.

You could be Iike their witness protector, Madea.

Look here, don't be trying to butter me up and all that stuff.

I see what you're trying to butter me up.

Yeah, I know I'm packing.

I know I can hold some things down, but, no, I don't want nobody up in here.

I'm sorry. Absolutely not.

I cannot do that. You're gonna have to find somewhere else for them to go.

The answer's a flat-out no, and I am not changing my mind.

My no mean "no," my yes mean "yes."

And my "maybe" mean "get the hell out." I'm sorry.

Absolutely not. Flat-out no. Ain't gonna happen. Get on out of here. No.

Too bad, then.

I'll just tell my boss we'll have to find somewhere else for them to stay.

Guess some other Iucky person will make that $4,000 a month.

You know what?

I believe it would be the greatest Christianity thing I could do to help somebody in need.

So I'm gonna go ahead and make up these sheets and clean up.

Mabel, you know, I believe I'm gonna go drag that cot out of that garage.

I got a cot back there, and we can put a sheet up in my room.

We could share, make sure we got enough room for everybody up in here.

So is that a yes?

Ain't nothing wrong with that cot. Ain't nothing wrong with it at all.

Got a Iittle mold growing in it, but that's all right. As Iong as you don't breathe...


Where the hell are we?

Honey, we are in the South.

Yes, ma'am.

And it brings back pretty fond memories.

Of what, Grams?

A boat and a man, and...

My, he had such a big...

Boat.

Hi. George?

Yes, I'm George, and this is my daughter, Cindy, and my wife, Kate, and my son, Howie, and my mother, Barbara. Hi, how are you?

The man in the boat.

Don't have a clue.

Cute man.

Well, I'm Brian Simmons, and I just want all of you to know you're gonna be in safe hands, okay?

I'm a federal prosecutor, and we have a very safe place for you and the entire family.

Well, here we go, kids.

This way, ma'am.

Place Iooks haunted.

Is this neighborhood safe?

It's very safe. Okay.

There's no safer place for you and your family. Trust me.

This is not a hotel.

Okay, Madea's gonna Iove this one.

Madea?

How's my favorite aunt, Madea?

That Brian? Come on in.

The family's here that I was telling you about.

Hello.

Brian, what the hell's going on?

Madea, this is the family that I was telling you about.

You forgot to mention one Iittle important thing about this family.

What's that?

Don't play with me.

Madea, these are the Needlemans, and they'll be staying with you for a few months.

What? Months?

Are you joking? What, is he joking?

Cindy.

Dad, I can't stay here.

What, are we sharecroppers now?

Honey, not nice.

Hi, I'm George.

And I'm his mother, Barbara.

And I'm his wife, Kate, and these are our kids, Howie and Cindy.

I'm his child. I'm not her daughter.

Dad, I can't stay here.

You know, I think it's kind of nice here.

I Iike it. Yeah, you would, you moron.

Would you... This is great. Just great.

Honey. Yeah, "vacation" my ass.

Hello, trip from hell.

Okay. Look here, would y'all go on into the Iiving room and have a seat, please?

I would Iike to talk to my nephew in private just a moment.

Thank you so much for...

It's gonna be so Iovely having all of y'all here.

Yes, just wonderful. Wonderful.

We'll be right in.

What did you do that for? What the hell wrong with you?

You done brought these folks up in this house. What is wrong with you?

Madea, Iisten. Okay, I know that they're not African-American.

I don't care nothing about the color of their skin.

I wanna know how in the hell I'm supposed to hide five white folks in a neighborhood where we ain't even got white cats or white cars.

Ain't nothing white around here. If the police come in this neighborhood, they don't even come in a white car. They send a black SUV.

I understand, but Iisten, Iisten. I know that you can figure it out.

I know you'll work it out.

Boy, hear me clearly and good when I say this to you.

Son, I don't know how to hide these people.

You can do it. $4,000 a month. $4,000.

You ain't Iistening to me, son.

These people are gonna stick out around here Iike I would stick out at a Republica Convention.

Do I Iook Iike I'm a Newt Ginger fan? Do I Iook Iike I Iike Newt Gingery?

Madea, okay, okay. But you'll figure it out. I know you'll figure it out.

Are we sitting on plastic?

Mabel, I can't find the phone book.

I'm trying to find somebody. Where are the White Pages?

My.

The man in the boat.

Hello.

Hey.

Mabel, they white folks.

Really? I didn't notice.

Come on. I'll introduce you.

Needleman family, this is my father, Joe. You already met my Aunt Madea.

Dad, this is Howie, Kate, George, Cindy, and Barbara.

It Iooks Iike she's undressing me with her eyes.

Now, I'm sure that the agents told you, but I just want to reiterate.

You can't have any contact with anyone from your past as Iong as you're here.

Do you understand?

Dad?

Honey, I'm sorry.

This is crazy.

You suck.

Did she just say... I know she...

Did that child just say she sucked to her daddy?

Lord, have mercy. What generation is this? You can't...

You better hurry up and get them the hell out of here.

Mabel gonna kill that Iittle girl.

But, Cindy, this is only until the trial is over. Isn't that right, Brian?

Yes, just until the trial is over.

I hate you.

That girl says she hate him. Oh, Lord, somebody gonna have to help me.

God, help me. God, help me.

George, I know it's been a rough day for you, so I tell you what.

I'll come by tomorrow morning about 9:00, pick you up.

We'll go to the office and begin working on this case, okay?

So, Madea, why don't you show your house guests where they'll be staying?

Yeah, go on and show them, Mabel. I ain't trying to go up there with them.

That one right there, I don't Iike the way she's Iooking at me.

Well, you can show me to the door. I'm getting back on that plane.

Honey. Excuse us.

You don't talk Iike that. Watch your mouth. Are you kidding me? Seriously.

Your ass trying to get me a case.

That's what you trying to do. You're trying to get me a case.

Better get a speedy trial. I'm gonna tell you that right now.

I'll get a speedy trial.

What's happening to us?

Kate, if I'd known that taking care of my family would Iead us to this, I would've...

This wasn't about family. This was about you.

We have way more than we needed.

This was about greed.

You know, sweetheart, I seem to recall you were very happy with my promotion, too.

What were you thinking?

I don't know. I wasn't even aware this was going on.

You're not aware of a Iot of things going on now.

Kate... I don't wanna talk about this.

I'm gonna unpack my bag and go to sleep.

We're done. It's done.

It's gonna end just Iike that?

Come on, man. Don't Iet her pimp you.

She wanna go to sleep? Knock her ass out.

Joe, shut the hell up. They're having a private conversation in a room about not being aware of what's going on.

If he ain't aware, that is between the two of them.

Shut up. Let them have their private moment, please.

When a door is closed, that mean you ain't supposed to be Iistening.

Leave them people alone. Shut the hell up.

Mabel, you shut up. No, you shut the hell up.

Mabel, I'm older than you. I'll do whatever the hell I want to do.

Yeah, it's my house. You gonna shut up up in here or I'm gonna come up and cut your vocal cords out.

You ain't gonna be able to say a damn thing!

Good night.

What the hell?

Boy! Boy!

Is that you farting, son?

It wasn't me.

Fart one more time. That's all I'm gonna tell you.

Fart one more time.

In here farting Iike that.

What's wrong with you, boy? That's doggone insane.

Hello, Joe.

You wanna give it a go?

Mabel.

Mabel, they trying to get me.

No, no, trying to get me Iike they get them football players and them basketball players.

I don't think so. No, no, no.

I won't bite.

Lord, Lord, Lord.

You staring at me?

No, no, I wasn't staring at you.

Okay.

I was watching the wildebeest in its natural habitat, though.

Excuse me?

That's not nice.

Yeah. Her butt must be hungry, 'cause it's chewing that dress alive.

If you need anything, anything at all, I'm just a whisper away.

AII you got to do is whisper.

Okay, I think I'm done.

Where you rushing off to?

Yoga's over. Okay.

Creepy.

Hi. How you doing?

I'm good. Thank you. I see you was up in there doing that yoda.

It's yoga.

No, baby, I don't have no yogurt. I don't eat that.

That mess my stomach up. It's got that abiffidus bacalarus in it.

I can't have that. So you go on and get yourself something else.

I might have some in that fridge there, but I don't eat it.

Well, it Iooks Iike you've been cooking.

Yeah, I wanted to feed your family their first day in my house.

I wanted to make sure y'all had something really good to eat.

So I got some waffles, some biscuits, I got some pancakes, I got some bacon, I got ham. I put a Iot of butter on the ham, a Iot of salt and pepper, make it nice and flavorful.

I got oatmeal on the stove.

I got sausage, and I got eggs and grits and everything else.

Y'all betterjust feast.

It Iooks so good.

It's a Iot of carbs. You Iike carbs?

It's a Iot of... Carbs.

No, baby, I don't eat crabs. You can't eat no crabs.

You gonna have crabs and yogurt? You about to mess your stomach up.

Ain't no seafood on here, honey. I'm allergic to seafood.

Ain't no seafood here nowhere.

Is that how you stay so thin?

No, honey, I don't eat that stuff. Where your family?

They're sleeping still.

What? They got to get up.

No, baby, your children got to go to school. I got to get them registered, and George is supposed to see Brian down at the attorney's office.

So, no, no, no, you got to get them up.

Okay, well, I was just gonna Iet... You know, they're so exhausted.

No, I'll go get them up. Here, you take this. Okay.

Take this and stir that real good.

Whip it real, real good. You understand? Yeah, I understand.

AII right, you need to put something... Here.

Here, put this on. Put this on while you whip.

You don't wanna get that on you. Okay. No.

Put that on. Okay, whip it. Thank you.

Whip it real good. I will.

George, get up out this bed, son.

Kate.

I had this horrible dream that we were in trouble with the FBI, and we moved into this house with an old woman who Iooked Iike...

Like what?

You.

It's not a dream. It's really happening.

I'm in so deep.

George, you need to get up out this bed. Brian is waiting for you down at the office.

He said he was gonna have you come down there this morning.

Now, get up on out this bed.

My Iife is over. I'm not getting out of this bed.

There's no reason to get out of this bed.

You need a reason? You need a reason?

You better get your ass out this bed.

Is that enough reason for you?

Let me tell you something, son.

I don't allow nobody to feel sorry for themselves in my house.

I don't know what you did. I don't care what you did.

Do you understand?

I need you to get up out this bed, come downstairs, have breakfast with your family, Brian is waiting on you down at the office to talk about whatever y'all need to talk about.

It ain't my business. I don't wanna know, but you gonna get up out this bed.

If I come back up these stairs, and you still in this bed, do you have any idea what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get completely naked, and get up in there with you and spoon.

I'm up.

Thank you.

I am definitely up. You don't have to come back.

I'm coming right down. I'm coming right down.

I'm on my way.

Get up, son.

What's wrong?

You just scared me.

You're just so huge. Like a giant bag of Skittles.

AII right, you better get the hell up, or when I come back up in here, you know what's gonna happen?

You gonna taste the rainbow.

We need to move him to someplace safe now.

Good idea. What do you suggest?

I don't know, but first thing tomorrow morning, they're on a plane headed here.

You figure it out and tell no one. Not even me.

Sir, I've got kids at my house.

I don't know what I would do with a whole family of...

I don't know. You've been a prosecutor for over a year.

This is a big case for you, Brian. Handle it.

Now, get up. I'm up. I'm up.

Probably dreaming about Skittles and Coca-Cola and Pepsi, diet soda and Mountain Dew and Honey Buns, and damn Krispy Kreme and everything else.

So you're up?

There you are, Sadie. You must iron the sheets.

Mr. Needleman gets very angry if there are any wrinkles.

Honey, who the hell is Sadie?

Don't you use that kind of Ianguage with me.

'Cause I'll have you fired. Do you understand?

Mrs. Needleman. Okay, I get it.

The mall is open, but there ain't nobody in there shopping.

What's that smell?

It's called food. I'm cooking.

It smells up the whole house. It permeates.

Thank you. You always were the best colored help we could ever find.

Okay, Brian playing a joke on me.

I'm being Punk'd. I know I'm being Punk'd. Where the camera at?

Little girl, I need you to get up, honey.

Go away.

Never had no child talk to me Iike this before. Lordy.

Honey, I got to bring y'all down to school and get you registered. Now, get up.

I said, go away.

She just yelled at me in my house. I don't know what she...

Little girl, I'm gonna tell you one more time...

I said, go away!

I know she didn't just...

Who the hell you think you talking to?

Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

This is my house.

You Iive by my rules when you are in my house.

You're too young for that, Iittle girl. You don't want none of this.

Please, do yourself a favor, honey. You do not want none of this.

Behave while you're here. If not, you will...

Girl, you...

Girl, you just don't know...

I don't know who she thinks she's talking to.

She's insane.

Hello?

Is that you, son?

Yes, sir. Well, come on in here.

What are you doing here, Dad?

Well, I'm feeling better, much better.

No, you're not. You're supposed to be at home in bed.

I just had to stop by here to make sure everything's all right.

It's all fine.

I've decided to tell the church the third Sunday I'm retiring.

I thought you were gonna wait till summer to do that.

No, I can't do that, son. I'm too tired.

It'll sure make the burden so much easier to know that everything I've worked for all these years is gonna be Iooked after.

I am very proud of you, son. Really proud of you.

Don't be proud of me.

Are you kidding me? I have to tell you I'm proud of you.

You know something? After your mother died, I wasn't sure you were gonna make it.

You were so far out there in those streets.

But, praise the Lord, Iook at you now.

Helping me run the church, handling our mortgage payment fund.

No, I am very proud of you, son.

You know, the congregation is gonna be a Iittle bit upset when I tell them that I'm retiring, so to ease the pain, I'm going to tell them that we have raised the money to pay off the church.

They're gonna rejoice.

Well done, son.

Yes, sir.

I don't see her out here. Y'all come on. Come on. Hurry up.

She always nosy as hell, over there Iooking at everything.

Hurry up.

Come on. Get in the car. Madea.

Madea.

Hey, Hattie.

How you doing?

I'm good, baby. Open the door.

Come here a minute. I can't talk to you right now, honey.

This my cousins, and they done Iost all the pigmentation in their skin overnight.

Your cousins? Yes.

Can I help you?

No, I got to take them to the doctor right now.

I'll see you Iater on. Take care.

And that's all you know?

That's all I know. I swear it.

I don't believe you.

I'm telling you the truth.

You're going to jail for a very Iong time.

I can't go to jail. I didn't do anything wrong.

George, calm down, okay?

For what it's worth, I believe you.

Oh, boy, somebody believes me. Isn't that wonderful?

Let's crack open some champagne, because somebody believes me.

Oh, God, I'm in trouble.

I think they can believe you, too, but you have to help me make them believe.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

What do I need to do here?

Okay, that's a good attitude, George. Really good attitude.

Everything that wasn't shredded or destroyed is in these files.

This is your ticket to freedom. You're the CFO. I'm sure you can find it.

Okay, well, this is the crux of the problem here, Brian, because I can't seem to find anything in here that will help.

I wanna help you. I really do.

It doesn't make any sense for me not to wanna help.

Now does it? Does it? No. No.

I mean, don't you think I would help if I could?

Are you okay? No, I just...

I feel Iike I... I wanna hit something.

Hit the chair. Hit something.

I'm sorry.

That was a Iovely evening.

There ain't never been no evening, Iady. I don't know you.

Stop it. There's no one around.

Read my Iips, honey. I don't know you.

You're the man in the boat.

I ain't never had no boat.

I bet if I showed you my tattoo, you might remember.

What tattoo? What you fixing to show me?

I believe you need to see a doctor about that, honey.

No, that's Betty Boop.

It might have been Betty Boop at one time, but Betty Boop done drooped.

Betty Boop.

You brought me over in your Iittle boat.

Lady, for the Iast time, okay? First of all, you insulted me.

'Cause I wouldn't have a Iittle boat.

I'm not a canoe kind of man. You understand?

I'm a yacht, a cruise ship, Noah's Ark up in this piece.

Only time I was ever in a boat was that Iittle rowboat belonged to the Army when I was in New Orleans many years ago.

I'd take people across the water over there from the bayou to the juke joint, and I'd charge them a nickel to get them over there.

And they'd all take the ride and everything. I'd give them their change.

And somebody gave me a 50-cent tip that night.

You Barbara Betty Boop.

Yes, I was a nurse in Company B.

Yeah, I was in Company C over there with the colored troops.

Me and a couple of my girlfriends followed you guys all the way to your barracks.

Yeah, I remember it was four of you.

It was Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and you.

I don't even know how you remember that, honey.

That was 56, 57 years ago.

Fifty-three.

Because George is 52.

What that got to do with anything?

What day is it?

Lady, don't you start... What you trying to tell me?

Where am I?

I think you believe you're trying to tell me something about George.

Oh, my goodness. Hey.

I don't know where I am.

George?

Brian. Jake.

You cannot keep calling me Iike this, man.

I'm in the middle of an investigation. What are you doing?

My dad wants to announce that he's paying the church's mortgage off in three weeks.

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Tell him the truth.

That will kill him.

He'll be very happy that you told him the truth.

I can't. I can't do it.

Jake.

That's him. That's the dude from the news!

I ought to kill you!

Who is this? I'm your worst nightmare.

Will you just...

You're my worst... I got news for you. I'm Iiving my worst nightmare, okay?

And besides, you're a Iittle short to be a nightmare, aren't you?

I'm short? He called me... He called me short?

I'm gonna bust your balls!

Well, why don't you get in Iine and bust my balls?

Because everybody else is busting my balls.

I don't have any balls Ieft, mister! How about that?

I'm gonna... Get off.

Calm down. Nobody's kicking balls.

George, Jake, I need you both to calm down.

Is everything all right out there?

Everything's fine.

Just keep working. It's all good.

George, this is Jake.

His father has a church, and they were gonna pay off their mortgage, and they invested the money in Lockwise, and they Iost it all.

So he's a Iittle bit upset.

I'm sorry. You...

That's all you got to say? Is you sorry?

Jake. Hell...

Yeah. Okay, okay. You better watch yourself, or I'm gonna give you a...

You see this? Big five. Big five. And you're gonna get it.

If I didn't have to go to the bathroom, you'd be in...

Where's the bathroom, Brian? Okay.

Third door on the Ieft.

Third door on the Ieft. Yeah.

Big five?

Jake, go home.

Get a grip, okay? Tell him the truth.

If anything comes up, I'll call you.

Can't you just go home? Elevator's right there.

How tall are you, son?

About 6 feet.

About 6 feet? Yeah.

Okay. Check.

You Iike soul music?

I do. I do. I Iove soul music.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Find out what it mean to me.

No, I dig it.

You dig it. You dig it?

Check.

Your hair's really thick and curly.

Always been that thick and curly?

Yeah, it has.

When I was a kid, I had an afro that was, you know, Iarge.

To here. Big, big hair.

No, you said it right. You had an afro. You didn't offend me. You had an afro.

That's what you called it, an afro. Check.

An afro.

Can you swim, son?

No. No.

I never got the hang of swimming.

Never got the hang of it. Yup. Check.

Hey, I was Iooking at your wife, she was doing that yoda.

And she got a nice Iittle butt.

But it ain't no booty, you know?

You Iike a butt, or you Iike a booty?

You Iike a booty, one that's a big, old booty to grab Iike handlebars and use?

Steer that thing where you want it to go, you know?

To be honest, I Iove my wife.

She can't hear you. She can't hear. Man-to-man, go on and tell me.

Do you Iike a Iittle cute, nice Iittle butt, or do you Iike a big butt that you can grab that thing and slap it Iike handlebars?

Well, I would Iike a Iittle more on the bottom.

Harley-Davidson.

A Harley? Yeah.

Junk in the trunk.

Some junk in the trunk. Yeah, more junk.

As Iong as you're asking.

I got one Iast question for you, son.

When you go to the bathroom and you're at the urinal, do you stand there Iike this?

Or do you just happen to stand there Iike this?

Well...

And when you're finished, do you have to do this?

Which one is it for you, son? Which one?

Well, more Iike the second part.

Without the thing at the end.

Check.

Damn. I'm your daddy.

Excuse me?

Do you have any Wi-Fi?

Well, if you ask me nice, I'll get up and I'll make you some.

Excuse me. How do you make Wi-Fi?

Son, you use some flour, put a Iittle water in it, some powdered sugar, you mix it up real good, and you get your skillet, or you get you one of them Wi-Fi irons, and you pour it in the Wi-Fi iron and you close it up.

I got a Wi-Fi iron in there.

What are you talking about?

He asked for a Wi-Fi, I got a waffle. You want a Wi-Fi? I got a waffle.

Wi-Fi. Internet.

I don't have none of that.

Ain't no technology around here at all. We've been Ieft in the Dark Ages.

It figures.

Howie.

Honey, why do you need to get on the Internet?

I'm supposed to do a report.

I'll help you with your report. Okay, honey?

It doesn't really matter. I mean, he's gonna fail.

He's dumb Iike his mother. Enough.

Go to hell, Kate.

Did that child just say, "Go to hell"?

You all right?

Yeah. Thanks.

Come on, sit down and talk to me.

That child right there. Lord, that Iittle girl about to make me hurt her.

I know. I'm trying to be understanding.

Of what?

She has problems.

Honey, we all got problems.

That child ain't supposed to be talking to you all Iike that. That is crazy.

What's wrong with that child? What's she so angry about?

I don't know. Just being here and out of school.

Tell that to somebody else, honey.

That child is angry about something else, and it's deep, whatever it is.

It ain't about no school and nothing else. This water runs deeper than that.

How do you know?

Wisdom. I didn't get this old by not knowing nothing.

She thinks I'm the reason that her father divorced her mother.

I wonder where she'd get that from.

Are you?

No. What kind of person do you think I am?

A woman.

No, their marriage was over, her father filed for divorce already, but she's hated me ever since she met me.

And George just sit there, don't say nothing?

He just sit there and not say a word?

George doesn't say anything to anyone these days.

Lord, have mercy.

I know. But she needs him.

Because her mother, she is so evil.

She filled her head with all these horrible things about me and about us.

And then, two years ago, she dropped her off at our doorstep, hasn't contacted her ever since, and now she's angry.

And now she's up in my house and she got me worried.

Honey, I'm just worried.

She'll be fine.

I'm not worried about her, I'm worried about me.

'Cause I feel Iike I wanna choke her to sleep.

I just wanna grab her till the Iife is out of her sometimes.

She's so flip.

Yeah, I get it.

And when she talk back to you, you just have a Iittle argument with her and you just Iet her start her mouth and say whatever she want to say?

Don't do that, honey.

You have to talk to her in a Ianguage that she understand.

You got to Iearn how to start speaking your damn mind.

I speak my mind.

I didn't say, "Speak your mind," I said, "Speak your damn mind."

If somebody do something you don't Iike, you say, "Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?

"You better get your ass together. This is some straight up bull.

"Hell, what is wrong with you? You heard me? Hell."

That's what you got to say to them sometime.

Okay. I will. Think about that.

It'll make you feel better. You'll feel so Iiberated.

You're around here doing all that yoda. Honey, you ain't got to do all that yoda.

You ain't got to do not one more yoda.

I'm gonna try that next time.

Good. I just gave you some great advice.

You gave me some good advice.

I'm gonna give you some better advice.

White folks ain't supposed to be out here on this porch in the middle of the night, honey.

Okay.

Yep. Nope, come on, Iet's go on in the house.

Thank you. Yeah, you go on first.

Any luck?

No, none.

George.

Yeah, I know what you're going to say. You don't think I'm trying.

Look at this charity, right here.

Okay. I don't really have to Iook at it.

Hear me out. Listen to what I'm saying to you.

These guys dig wells in Africa.

This one, breast cancer.

This one, they stop sex trafficking of children. Okay?

This one, AIDS research. This one, cancer.

This homeless shelter is gonna have to close.

George, you got to help me help these people.

Brian, I'm eight years away from retiring, and now I'm facing jail.

And all these people were hurt because I wasn't paying attention.

And I was Iooking forward to retiring.

Spending time with my son.

Getting great, big bear hugs after a good game of catch, you know?

Seeing my daughter happy, content.

I just wanted to Iive happily ever after with my family.

And now, my family's falling apart.

So maybe I deserve all of this, okay?

'Cause I can't believe what's happening to me.

How could I not see this coming?

George, you couldn't see it because you weren't paying attention.

But now your eyes are wide open.

But none of this makes sense to me.

I mean, I see accounts here and they all start with a Ietter of the alphabet.

"A," "P," "U," "J," "K," "R," "I."

We never use the alphabet to start accounts, Brian.

I don't know what I'm Iooking at here. I really don't.

You can't just keep Ietting people walk all over you.

You were a mark. They set you up. They thought you were weak.

They did this on purpose to you.

Are you just gonna Iay down and Iet that happen, or are you gonna claim your Iife back?

Prove them wrong. Hit them right between the eyes.

You're stronger than this. There is a fighter in you, George.

Show them. Show me.

You can work this out, okay? Just don't give up.

Shall we keep digging?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. AII right.

Watch your step.

Take care now.

How was school?

I mean, you know, it's school.

School is school, yeah.

What you got there?

Baseball. Baseball.

You play?

Yeah, but not very good.

Really?

Well, Iet me see, son. You can't be that bad.

What position do you play? Pitcher.

Okay. Well, I used to play catcher.

So, you go on over there and I want you to throw it to me.

AII right. I want you to throw it to me as hard as you can.

Throw it at me. AII right.

Here we go. Put it. Put it right here.

Put it right in the middle. Right here, right here.

Yeah, you... Yeah.

Yeah, you suck. Sorry, I...

Come here, son.

That's all right, son.

Maybe you ain't supposed to be a pitcher. Everybody ain't supposed to be a pitcher.

You know, you got to get in where you fit in.

You know, I never thought about it that way.

But Iisten, son. I'm gonna help you.

I'm gonna teach you how to pitch and to catch, because we family, we family.

We are? Yeah.

Yeah. It's a Iong story. It's a Iong story.

I used to be in the Negro League.

Negro... The Negro League, son.

Boy, somebody got to teach you about your heritage.

The Negro Leagues is when colored baseball players couldn't play...

Colored, Iike Negro, Iike me and you.

They couldn't play professional baseball, so they came up with their own Ieague.

Satchel Paige and I played.

I was a catcher, so I'm gonna show you how to be a catcher.

AII right. AII right. AII right?

Step on back there. I'm gonna show you how to catch this.

I'm gonna throw it to you one good time. AII right.

I want you to concentrate real hard. AII right.

Almost. AII right, try it. Right here, right here.

There we go. See that?

I've had it. I don't care.

Change your attitude.

Hello, son. Hi, Mom.

Your poor father... My father does not need...

Were you with your brother today? AII day today, again?

No, Mom, I was with Brian.

I don't have a brother, remember?

This is all an act!

Right.

I am not being disrespectful!

You're being so fake! You're not my mom!

...your attitude. You're making it no better.

Get upstairs!

I want to go home. I hate it here.

Hi. Hi.

George, I can't do this anymore.

That daughter is so disrespectful. I know.

I'm gonna do all I can to help us get our Iife back.

I don't want our Iife back.

I want a new Iife.

One where you're in it. One where we're all happy.

I don't know, afternoon Iunches and sex!

I want sex, George!

Should I be Iistening to this?

No! No!

Kate, I'm sorry.

Stop saying sorry and get mad.

I am mad. You're not mad.

I'm extremely mad.

Extremely mad, George?

You don't think I'm mad?

I don't think you're mad.

This is getting me so mad, this whole thing.

That's mad.

You're not extremely mad! You need to get damn mad!

What?

I'm just speaking my damn mind, okay?

Hell! This is some straight up bull.

Hell, get your ass together. You heard me?

Hell!

I've got to get us out of here.

Just spill it. We gotta have it all.

Because if you don't, then you're going to jail for the rest of your Iife.

Ever since we got here, I don't care anymore.

Do you know what? I don't care. You...

Hi, honey. Hi. What are you doing?

Good one. Good one, Howie. Thanks.

You got it.

Amazing Grace...

How was school today?

About the same as when you were raised by Moses.

Where's my dad?

I can't stand you.

I got something to tell you, honey. It's awfully bad news.

Precious Lord...

What?

Your daddy died.

What?

He died.

Them people that were Iooking for him, they came here and they got him.

And they brought him out there to the highway, and they was painting them stripes on the stone highway, and he tried to run, and one of them stripe machine put a Iine right down the middle of him.

Then the people that was coming didn't know if it was a passing Iane or high-occupancy vehicle Iane.

Everybody got confused and they had a wreck, and they just ran all over...

About 5,700 cars piled up on top of him.

And Kate, she didn't know what to do, so she went to running.

She just started running as fast as she can. Was running Iike Wonder Woman.

But they had a helichopter and that helichopter got closer...

And that was it.

No! Kate, too?

Kate, too. Kate, too.

And that helichopter was spinning and them blades...

Where's Howie? Where's Howie?

Oh, Lord. Poor Howie. You know, he tried to run, but he always have them candy bars and soda pops in his pockets, so he kept dropping things and he tripped.

So they put them cement shoes on him and they throwed him in, and he's swimming with the fishes.

Oh, my God!

My God! I can't believe this is happening.

Why you so upset?

What do you mean?

Well, you always say, "I hate you. You suck. Shut up. I hate you."

I didn't mean anything that I've said before.

It's too Iate now, honey.

It's all right. They gone. Dead. Just done.

They gone.

So, the people at Child Welfare asked me if I would take you, so I said you can stay here till you're 18, but you...

No! No, no! No!

I got an EBT card, what you worried about?

Dad! Honey.

Cindy, what's wrong?

She told me you died.

What?

Madea, why would you tell her that?

Look, this is why I tell her that.

'Cause she's sitting around here mad at everybody and being all nasty and mean.

Your parents could be gone at any minute, then you'll be stuck with somebody Iike me.

Is that what you want? To stay here in this hellhole?

I'm sorry.

Start acting Iike you're sorry, then.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Howie.

It's all right. It's all right, Cindy.

Now, Iook at her, all broke up, acting Iike she's sad and hurt.

Okay, honey. It's okay.

Madea, that was really cruel.

George? Shut the hell up.

It worked, didn't it?

Dad? Yeah, son.

There's something I need to tell you.

It'll have to wait till Iater. I got to start the service right now.

Negros.

What the hell did you just say?

Negros. Barbara!

Mom, why don't we step out onto the porch and get some air?

Negros. Grams.

I hear Negros from my room.

I believe they're called African-Americans now, Grandma.

Did that child just say "they"?

No, "we."

So beautiful. I hear them from my room.

Okay. What's going on?

My baby mama just went Ieft, Mabel. She just went Ieft.

Went Ieft?

I hear...

I hear them from my room. I hear Negros from my room.

Well, I see dead people, but I keep that to myself.

Tell them, Sadie.

Who the hell is Sadie?

Shut up.

Madea, honey. She right, she hear Negros.

It's bad enough that she's slipping.

Please don't encourage her.

No, she do hear Negros.

The whole bunch of them.

She hears a bunch of Negros?

Yes, everybody Iisten. Everybody be quiet.

Spirituals.

That's it. That's what she's trying to say, Negro spirituals.

There's a church down on the corner.

They sing Negro spirituals on Sundays.

Why y'all so uptight?

Son, will you take me to the Negros?

Take you to the Negro spiritual, honey. Spiritual.

Right. You can't just say "Negros." Them days has passed.

First we were "Negros," then we was "colored," then we were "black," now we "African-American."

Okay? African-Americans. Now singing old Negro spirituals.

Spirituals. Negro spirituals.

Spirituals. Spirituals. Okay. Yes, Mom. Yes, yes.

Yes, Iet's go.

Let's go down to the church.

Is it safe?

What you mean, "Is it safe," George?

What they gonna do, stone you with a Bible? It's a church.


Pretty good.

Can I get an "amen" for our choir?

Amen!

AII right, well done.

Well done.

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord. I am so happy, so happy to be back in the House of the Lord where mercy can be found.

As most of you know, I have been very sick these past few months.

But by the grace of God, I've recovered. But I have to tell you something.

I've given a Iot of prayer and I feel it's time for me to retire.

Now don't y'all worry, don't worry.

This church will continue, and its future's guaranteed, because the church has been paid off.

Praise God!

Oh, no.

And I was able to pay the church off because of the investments of my son.

My son.

I'm so proud of him.

Son, come on up here and tell them what you've done.

Let us praise Jesus 'cause we're all precious in His name.

Precious.

Precious?

To all the congregation here... Precious.

...there's something I need to tell you.

I did invest the money...

Precious!

Somebody's got the Holy Ghost.

I know!

You know? I know!

The same know that I know?

I know!

That man knows!

You know? I know!

How much do you know? Do you think that he knows now?

I'm not hot, I just know. Praise the Lord!

Yes!

AII right, George, you want to try to explain this to me?

Yeah.

There was a woman named Precious Jackson that Walter always told me about. Okay?

Now I've Iooked at these accounts and they all start with a Ietter.

The Ietters spell out "Precious Jackson."

It's all encrypted, right here.

What the hell are you talking about?

The Ietters spell out...

Okay, I'm a Iittle confused by this, too.

It's the name the account is in.

Okay.

Just follow this, 'cause it took some doing to follow the money trail from the Cayman Islands and Germany.

But the trail goes cold when the money goes into a Swiss account. Okay?

Now, they were all given a Ietter when they went in and came out.

Right? Okay.

But every month on this date, as the funds go into this Swiss account, this account in the US sees a deposit.

Now I balance the two, and it's exactly 10 % that resurfaces in the US in this account every month to a Iady named Precious Jackson.

What is 10 % gonna do?

Of 600 million?

That's six million!

Jake.

It's 60 million.

Sixty. Sixty.

George.

I can get the church's money back.

Praise God. Yes, you and all the charities.

Can this really work? Yes, it can work.

Why would Walter take this money and put it in an account with some woman's name who never touches it?

Well, either he didn't tell her about it, or she doesn't exist.

So what I'll do is I'll get a federal warrant, we'll get the account seized.

I'm pretty sure once I bring this to the judge, you'll be able to get probation.

That's a great job.

But, Brian, we can get this money back to the people it belongs to.

It's sitting right here in this account.

You didn't just say that to me. I'm an officer of the court.

I don't even know what you're thinking. I didn't hear that.

I don't even want to know what you're thinking. No. No, no, no.

Brian. Not having this conversation.

I'm out of here. Please. Come on.

I will see you at the office tomorrow... Brian.

...bright and early, George.

Thank you so much. Brian. Please.

Bye.

I've come too close to give up now, okay? I'm not calling it quits.

I'm gonna get that money back to the charities.

Right? I want my Iife back.

And here is where I start to take action.

So you're either with me or you're not, but I'm not giving up without a fight.

So what's it gonna be, Mr. I'm-a-tough-guy-from-the-hood?

Mr. You-going-down-homie?

'Cause I'll tell you, I'm gonna do the damn thing.

So you're with me or what?

I'm with you.

Gucci! Yeah.

With you.

You okay?

I will be.

George, what's going on?

I screwed up, that's what's going on.

And now there's a big wrong that I have to right.

And I just have to figure out how I'm gonna do it.

But I'm gonna do it. I am gonna do it.

George, I haven't seen this much fire in you since we got married.

Well, maybe it's Iong overdue, huh?

Do you remember our honeymoon in Florence?

I remember it rained every day. It did.

And do you remember, you said, "What if our marriage is nothing but full of rainy days?"

I might have been joking.

But I remember you still got upset, didn't you?

I did. Yeah.

And what did you say?

I said, "Rain does make things grow."

Exactly.

What if all this happened for a reason?

For you and I to get to know each other again, for our family to get closer, for us to grow?

What if it did?

Kate, you are amazing.

I swear to you, I'm gonna make things right.

I have no doubt.

Honey, you always do the right thing.

I Iove you so much.

I Iove you, too.

I'm so proud of you, George.

That's good.

I'm closing an account.

Rita, it looks like you'll be withdrawing $4 million from us today.

$4 million?

Is that correct? Yes.

Well, how would you like that?

10s and 20s?

Hey, son. We watching Ghost.

She's gonna walk up in a bank and act Iike she somebody else.

Look at that.

You know we require identification and all that.

Rita Miller or Oda Mae Jones, she don't even know what her name is.

Rita Miller. That's my name.

My name. Rita Miller.

My name.

The check.

Here you are.

What the hell you Iooking at me Iike the Iast virgin for?

Now Iet me make sure I got this right.

Y'all want me to get on the aeroplane, go out to New York City and go in a bank and pretend to be Precious Jackson?

Is that right?

Yes.

Does Brian know anything about this?

No. He thinks you both could go to jail.

Well, I could be going to jail anyway.

That's all right. Just don't drop the soap, you'll be fine.

I been up in there. You might have to fight a Iittle bit, kick a Iittle ass.

But you'll be all right.

If you don't kick no ass, they gonna take your ass.

But you'll be all right.

I don't know about this, though. I don't feel good about this.

I just don't... I don't know. I don't know.

Madea, it's easy.

It's just as easy as it was in the movie.

Whoopi Goldberg had a dead white man helping her all through that whole movie.

I'll help you.

You alive. I said dead!

George, you cannot go to New York.

Honey, I have to.

You can't. They're still after you. Are you crazy?

I'll disguise myself somehow.

They won't know me. Okay? It'll be fine.

No, I can't do that. Madea.

Please, I know you can do it.

You say this is for charity?

And for the church? Right, Jake? For the church? It's for the church?

It's for the church, for your daddy get the money back for the church?

AII right. Now my question then becomes, all these beautiful people that got these charities and helping all these children and feeding the people around the world, it's for that, that's wonderful, but I have a question for you.

What the hell in it for me?

Madea, you'll feel a Iot better about yourself.

I always feel good about myself. Hell, I was born 6'2".

237 pounds.

I have always been this big all my Iife. I went to kindergarten this big.

I had to have high self-esteem. I feel good about myself.

Ain't nothing you gonna tell me gonna make me feel good about myself.

You give me some money, that'll make me feel good about myself.

Okay, you know what?

Can we figure that out after this is done?

George, have you ever hired a ho?

No. No.

She want her money first. Do you understand?

I need to get some money first.

Don't perform no services until the money's on the table.

You know what? I'll do it. I will do it.

AII I got to do is go in there and give them a bunch of accounts to transfer the money to?

Yes. 12 accounts?

I just give them the information to do the transfer?

That's it. That's all.

AII right, I'll do it.

Then I will gladly do it. So he just gonna wire the money to the accounts?

Yes. Okay, fine.

Come on, Iet's go. Where's my purse? Y'all get my purse.

Joe, where's my purse? We've got to go up to New York.

You know what? If you guys are gonna go, she can't Iook Iike this, she can't be wearing that.

Right. What's wrong with what I got on?

This came from Aretha Franklin. Aretha gave me this.

And y'all know Aretha can dress.

You've seen Aretha, she makes fashion statements.

How about Barbara, Cindy and I give you a makeover?

Introducing Precious Jackson.


Wow.

This might work.

No. I don't know what the hell y'all are thinking.

You Iook Iike a big ass bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

Can I give you a hand, sir? Yes. The Iuggage.

The airport.

This bag. This way.

Here we go? Yeah.

Okay.

Going to the airport.

Right this way, ma'am. AII right, I'll follow you.

You ain't got to rush me, I know where the hell I'm going.

The airport. A Iot of people here.

I'm nervous. I need to relax.

Well, there's nothing to be nervous about.

It's just Iike riding in a car, except you're 30,000 feet higher.

Cars don't crash from 30,000 feet, George.

You need something to calm your nerves, I got that old wee-wee.

Hey, what does that mean, drugs?

Is that drugs? I know you ain't got no drugs.

No drugs. If you got...

I'm gonna beat your ass if you got them drugs.

You don't bring no drugs up in here.

They got sniffing dogs up in here. No drugs.

Y'all go through. I'm not going through with y'all.

I'm not going through. Excuse me, y'all. Excuse me.

I'm not going through with them at all. Madame, you are making a scene.

Watch yourself. Watch yourself, here. That's a no, no.

Y'all go on. I don't know them. I don't know them.

Hi. Hi. A Iittle scary.

When I'm finished doing, this gonna be the bomb.

Don't say "bomb." Don't say "bomb." What is the bomb?

No, no, no. Don't say...

Hey, he don't want me saying "bomb."

Okay.

What do I do, just give him the ticket?

And show him my ID?

Okay. That's the way.

Okay, that's me, and that's my ticket.

That is the way. Okay, thank you so much.

AII right.

Now what y'all doing?

What y'all doing? Taking off our shoes.

Take off your personal items and put them in the tray.

What they gonna do with my personal items?

Baby, I can't take off my shoe.

Do you know how hard it is for a woman my size to take off her shoes?

I'm supposed to take off my shoes?

Yes, ma'am.

What the hell do I need to be taking my shoes off for?

Baby, when you're this big, it's hard to take your shoes off.

That's all I'm saying.

Take them off, but I don't know who the hell gonna help me put them back on.

Y'all so serious.

Watch that now.

There you go.

Oh, Lord. And you just push it through there?

Now what I do? What I do? Right this way.

Right this way.

Okay. I'm gonna come on through this thing.

What the hell is that? Just step over here, please, ma'am.

What was that?

Just step over here through the scanner.

What'd you want me to do? Step through here, please.

Okay, all right. Right through the scanner.

Now what am I supposed to do? This ain't gonna drop me down?

Just go and put your feet in the footsteps, please.

That's really wide. You want me to put both my feet where these yellow feet?

Yes, ma'am. That's really wide.

My Iegs ain't been open that wide since I had my daughter.

George, they want me to spread my Iegs.

Okay, fine.

Now what? Put your hands over your head, please.

Like this? That's it.

Hands over your head.

Wow, this is really sexual.

Reminds me back of my stripping days.

They used to call me Magnitude.

You see anything?

Can I have you step outside, please?

Step outside.

Right this way. Put your hands down.

Can I close my Iegs? Yes, please.

Okay, thank you so much.

Now what? Stand right over here, please.

Yes. I'm just gonna do a quick pat down.

On my body? Yes.

Go ahead and raise your hands. Am I under arrest?

No, ma'am. Why you patting me down?

Just standard procedure. A standard...

I got to do all this to get on the airplane? Yes, please.

George, I got to do all this to get on the airplane?

Ma'am, it's just standard procedure. I need you to put your hands up, please.

Thank you. Go on, pat me down.

Now, wait a minute.

You gonna find a roadmap to heaven. You better come on from up there now.

Come on up.

Turn around.

Can I put my hands down?

Now wait. Now what the hell you doing?

Boy.

Something back here that you wanna tell me about?

Yes, that's my ass. It's from wall-to-wall in this skirt.

We're clear. Go right ahead.

You need to buy me a cigarette or a drink or something after doing all that to me.

You don't know me.

I ain't felt that many hands all over my body since I got off that train from Mexico.

Where's my purse and my shoes?

Anybody ever told you you Iook Iike Beyoncé?

No.

Madea, I found my wifey.

Shut the hell up back there. You in coach.

You ain't supposed to talk to nobody in first class.

Didn't you see Titanic?

I'm nervous.

I know. But behave.

What the hell was that? What was that?

There better not be no terrorer on this plane. Is there a terrorer?

Is there terrorer on here? Better not be no terrorer.

Madea, it's a bump. Bump, bump.

What the hell a bump doing in the air? Bumps are on the road.

That's all. Bumps ain't in the air. Hell.

This thing just makes me nervous. I don't Iike being on this thing.

I got to pee. I need something to relax me. Calm me down.

What do you want? What do you want?

I want a joint.

You need that good-good, Madea? Boy, shut up.

Just get me a drink. Can I get a drink?

Can they get a Iady a drink? Can a colored woman get a drink?

I'll get a flight attendant.

I'll get her. Flight attendant?

Flight attendant? Flight attendant? Flight attendant?

Ma'am, are you okay?

You're making the other passengers just a Iittle bit nervous, okay?

I would Iike something to drink, please.

'Cause I need something to relax me just a Iittle bit.

Okay. What would you Iike?

That depends. How much is it?

You're in first class, it's free.

Okay. Well, bring me every damn thing you got back there.

If it's brown, pour it.

Lord have mercy, I ain't never seen no place Iike this before.

They call it the Big Apple, huh?

I wonder why they call it the Big Apple. I don't see no apples.

Do you see the apples anywhere? No.

I wanna see that thing, too, that thing with the torch on it.

The statue. The Statue of Limitations.

Lord, Iook at all these people.

I ain't never seen this many people in one place unless they be giving away government cheese.

I don't understand why folk would be all on top of each other Iike this.

This is too much. I got to get back to Georgia.

Come on, Iet's go get this business done.

New York!

Yes indeed, y'all. This is nice.

Yeah, I'm in New York, baby. How you doing?

Hello, madame. May I take your bags?

Where you gonna take it? I'll take it to your room, if you Iike.

No. No. No, no. She is world-traveled.

She never think about the Iuggage.

I don't think about no Iuggage.

I don't think about no Iuggage or the garbage or none of that stuff.

This way. Okay.

Well, get on out of the way there. Let a Iady pass.

You in the way, George, move. Let them open the door for me.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

This place is Iovely. Hello. Welcome. Thank you. Welcome.

Welcome to me. My first time here.

Hello. Hello.

They take dogs. Well, Oprah Winfrey must stay here. Is she here?

This is Iovely.

Run into me one more time, and I'm gonna knock the hell out of you.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Good afternoon, sir.

A reservation for Jackson.

Of course. Good afternoon, madam. Hello.

I have the reservation.

I have your credit card information on file.

And here are your keys.

And if you would be so kind as to sign here at the bottom of this form.

But of course.

But of course. Lovely accent.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. The reservation is under Precious Jackson.

That is my name. I'm one of the Jackson family.

Well, really? That's wonderful, madam. Yes, yes.

Yes. Excellent.

Well, it was La Toya and Rebbie and me. Yeah.

And Janet. Little Janet. Wonderful.

We are so proud to have you here, madam. Thank you so much.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Back the hell up. Thank you.

If I have a phone call from Janet or La Toya or Rebbie Jackson...

Yes, madam? ...please put them through.

They're always calling me, all the time. I see.

'Cause they need makeup tips and advice.

I'll put them right through to your room. Yes, thanks.

I will do that, madam. Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Shall we go? The elevators are to your Ieft.

And I do hope you enjoy your stay.

Well, yes, we will. Thank you so much. Yes, wonderful.

Thank you so much. Don't fall over.

You hit me with these bags one more time, I will knock the hell out of you.

What's in here? Get the hell on the elevator.

You got two midgets in here.

If Randy or Jermaine or Tito call, tell them I just cannot talk right now, I'm gonna have to call them Iater.

Very good, madam. I have that.

What the hell you pulling me for, George?

I know how to open the door, here. This...

This is nice.

Oh, Lord, this furniture nice.

Ain't got no plastic on it. Can't be too nice, though.

How you doing? Good.

Wonderful. Hello. Hello.

Your chocolate.

Yes, I know I'm chocolate.

That's a new way of saying "black"? I'm chocolate, yes. African-American.

Forgive madame. She is, how you say, preoccupée.

You gonna stop calling me madame. My name is Madea, not madame.

Zip it.

For you, monsieur. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

What the hell was he just standing up here for, just Iooking all scary and weird?

I thought I had checked into the Bates Motel.

He's standing there Iike that.

What was he waiting for? A gratuity.

What is that? A tip.

Why didn't you just say "tip"? I know what the hell a tip is.

Now, George, how much did you just give that man? You gave him paper money.

How much was that? Twenty.

Twenty what?

Dollars. $20.

Have you Iost your mind, George?

Waiter! Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

Hello, mister. Can I talk to you forjust a second?

Mister? I'm tired as hell.

Here. Hold this for me, baby, and Iet me hold that. That's $20.

Baby, Iisten, if we wanted that for chocolate, we'd go get us a Snickers.

Here's your tip.

Pardon, monsieur, she is...

Movez-vous. Movez-vous. Go on. Go on. $20?

Would you get a grip? You've got to play the part.

Trust me. Appearance is everything. Okay?

Now, we need to get some rest so we can get to the bank early and get out of here.

That's fine. Let's get some rest, then, George.

But you ain't gonna give no $20 to nobody. That's just damn crazy.

Child, if Joe could see me now.

This mattress is nice.

No, can't Iay down flat Iike that.

Yeah. Women who is well-endowed can't Iay flat.

'Cause them breasts will sneak up around your neck and choke the hell out of you through the night.

Got to throw them over to the side.

This is nice.

Silk.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Now remember, you're Precious Jackson, and you wanna get all the money transferred into the 12 accounts.

You can't keep running this over and over again.

You're gonna make me forget everything. Okay. This is it. This is it.

I understand. You gonna make me forget everything.

I can't keep doing this over and over again.

Just relax. AII right, I got it.

I'm relaxed, George, I'm relaxed. But you tensing me the hell up.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Got it? I got it. I got it.

Madea.

Yes?

Remember, the man you're meeting, his name is Jack Goldenberg.

What the hell you speaking a French accent for, George?

This is me and you talking.

Hell, I know how to speak French, too.

Shut the hell up.

I got it. Jack Goldenberg.

Thank you. Okay.

Excuse me while I do my Tyra Banks.

Hello.

Can you help me? I'm here to see Whoopi Goldberg.

Excuse me?

Silly me. I'm sorry. I was just watching The View.

I'm here to see Jack Goldenberg. Jack Goldenberg.

May I tell him who's here? Yes...

I'm sorry, I was about to say, "What a mighty God we serve."

Precious Jackson is my name. I'm a part of the Jackson family.

Yes. But, you know, they put me on the outskirts.

So now, it's just me and Bubbles. Bubbles.

Yeah, yeah. That the monkey?

Yeah, great Iittle monkey. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I call him Joe, but everybody else calls him Bubbles.

You certainly do have an appointment.

Precious Jackson to see you.

Hello. Hi. Thank you so much, Magdalene.

It's so great to see you. How can I help you?

Jack, I called you.

We spoke about all the transfers that I need to do.

I got that request Iast evening. Let me see.

Jack, can we do this? I'd Iike to add one more account to that.

Because I'm feeling so generous and I've given to so many charities.

Here is the account number. I know that's 12, this'll be the 13th.

Thirteenth? Yes.

And, of course, in this economic climate, you're gonna need my identification.

Precious Jackson. Here you are.

Well, thank you. Okay.

She's been in there way too Iong.

She's not. She hasn't been, and she's doing a mission.

Very dangerous work she's doing.

You're just... You know what? You're such a...

I'd hate to be cliff-diving with you.

Look, I saw this in a movie once.

You go east, I go west, we meet in the subway.

We'll make it out alive.

I'm not running with you. Okay?

I'm not running down the street Iike some biatch.

Like some biatch, okay?

Wait. What are you talking about, fool?

I'm committed to see this through.

You know what they'll do with you with that mustache in jail?

You better not snitch.

Please. You kill me.

There she is. Oh, my goodness.

Jack, you kill me. Now, our cover.

Yes, thank you. She got it.

But if there's anything else you need, you call Jack Goldenberg directly.

I certainly will. I certainly will.

May I help you? Oh, you're delightful.

What a Iovely woman. No. I've got it. I've got it.

You got to stop flirting with me. You ain't getting nothing.

I see you Iooking at my ass. Don't you do that. Don't you do that.

I would never do that. Stop that flirting with me.

What a woman. What a woman. Thank you so much.

I'll see you Iater. AII right. Well, our pleasure again.

Did you get it? Yes.

Let's go. Yes.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Well, what did he say?

Well, he's not very happy and neither am I that you took my aunt up to New York.

To that bank. That's crazy.

But he's getting a Iot of calls from the charities, they're very happy.

The press is very excited about it, so he's okay, and so am I.

Well, what does that mean for me?

You've helped us gather enough information and evidence against your former bosses that we got a pretty solid case.

With that information, we pressured them, and they've agreed to testify against the Malone family, so they won't be after you.

So we just talked about dropping the charges against you.

What you did, getting those accounts back in order, and having all that money wired back to the charities, all 13 of them, it's really great.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was.

You're free to go, George.

So I'm free? Yeah.

Enjoy your Iife, George.

Take care of yourself. Stay out of trouble.

Thank you.

The other way.

Thank you.

This has been Iovely. It's just been so fun having y'all here.

Madea, thank you.

Thanks for everything.

You have no idea how much I wanna say, "Get the hell out."

But I'm holding that in, because I'm showing so much Iove to you.

I enjoyed having y'all here.

The best part about company is when they Ieave.

I'm gonna miss you so much, Madea.

That's okay, child. AII them potatoes in my house is glad you Ieaving.

Me, too. Yeah?

Can we come back and visit?

That is so sweet. You wanna come back and visit?

No, I don't think so. I'm sorry.

You can write me Ietters, though.

Long, Iong, Iong Ietters. Dissertations from very, very, very far away.

Negros.

Okay, time to get her the hell out of here.

Spirituals. Now she gets it.

Okay, Mom, Iet's go. One Iast time.

Let's go.

There's my boy. There's my boy.

Bye, Joe. I'll be back.

I'll be back, Joe. Bye.

Y'all, come on. Bye.

Mabel, get them the hell out of here now.

I'll see y'all around.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Yes!

Love you, Dad. Love you, Son.


Yeah!

I did that. I got that money, baby.

I got that money!

I don't want to go to prison, because, you know?

Food is bad, I'm probably gonna Iose weight.

Probably go down to nothing and get gang-raped.

I don't wanna shower in prison.

They can do strange things to you in prison.

Do you understand? Do you understand?

I think I can handle myself. I really do.

I really do. I just don't want to go through the experience of having to do that. Okay?

I don't want to have to worry about other guys in there.

When I get so mad, I'm gonna have to use my fists, you know, just to defend myself.

Go upstairs and get your mom's pills.

Find a Iittle straitjacket and calm down... And a straitjacket, too.

Figure this out, Maysie.

And then you put in that fatback grease, and you make sure it just sits there and soak, so it'll be Iight.

I got some oatmeal on the stove, and I got some greens that's gonna clean you out.

It's Iike none of this is gonna matter.

AII right.

That's pretty good for never doing it.

Oh, boy.

Is she doing it, too? Wow. Yeah.

She kept her promise.

What the hell? Charlie Sheen. Hey. What a surprise.

How are you? Look who back here. Look who back here hiding.

It's Charlie Sheen.

Big fan. I'm a big fan of yours, too.

I've wanted to do this ever since... I'm sorry.

That's freaky. That's freaky. That's freaky. Damn. Sorry, sorry.

Go on. Go on, rest yourself. Rest yourself.

No motorboating. No motorboating. Cut.

Where's Howie?

Oh, God, you don't even want to know what happened to Howie.

It was so awful.

They just told me there was a buffalo and a monkey somewhere, and I just have not been able to figure how they got out of the zoo.

I'm sorry.

I am 6'4" tall and a woman.

Do you think I have self-esteem issues?

I ain't never played for the WNBA, but I could.

I ain't got no self-esteem issues, hell.

I got a mustache. Do you understand? I'm a dude up under this stuff.

Sorry, this is Precious Jackson. I'm in the Presidential Suite.

And there are two toilets here.

And I was trying to figure out, which one am I supposed to use?

I don't know which one suits me best. One of them has things on it Iike a faucet.

What is that for?

Yes, you know how you turn on the faucet.

I'm not a sir, I'm a ma'am. You don't hear me, honey?

Okay, yes, there's two toilets here.

There's one that I recognize and then there's one that I don't recognize.

It's got two handles on it, Iike you gonna wash your hands or something.

A bidet? What is a bidet, honey?

I don't need Bengays and all that stuff. Just trying to figure out what the toilet is.

Right. Your hands?

It's for washing your ass?

No, when I wanna wash my ass, I take a bath, honey.

That's just nasty. Now who'd do that?

Listen, I didn't know you were gonna answer the phone.

I thought the phone was disconnected. I'm so sorry.

Okay. I'll talk to you Iater. Bye.

There was actually somebody there?

Yes. Yes, the whole time.

She was trying to explain to me what it was.

I'd Iike to order one of your famous...

Baby, this say hamburgers $45. What the hell is on the burger?

No, no, no. For $45, there better be more than a hamburger.

For $45, it better get up in this bed and roll around with me for a Iittle while.

You don't think that's funny. Okay.

No. Do you have chicken wings?

You don't do those.

Well, maybe you can ask the chef to prepare them for me, then.

Yes.

How many would I Iike? That depends. How many are there in the order?

Okay, seven chicken wings. Okay. How much are the seven chicken wings?

$30 a wing?

30 damn dollars a wing?

You crazy as hell. People pay that?

No, honey, I can't. $30 for a damn chicken wing?

Do you know that I can get 20 of them, they come in a pack, 20 for $1 .99 down at Roscoe's?

I can't have this, honey. No, I'm gonna starve in this hotel.

My name is Precious Jackson.

My name is Melinda.

Hello, I'm Precious Jackson.

Yo. Yo, what's up? I'm Precious. They call me Precious.

I thought you were, you know, some tough guy from the hood?

You know, "My biggest nightmare."

Thug Iife, fool. Thug Iife, fool.

Do me a favor. Send your old man some money every now and then.

Just a Iittle something. It ain't got to be nothing.

Just four, five, $20,000, $30,000 a month or something, you know?

You okay?

I'll put a Iittle something in an envelope. Don't worry. We'll take care of you.

Okay. And Iisten, don't write no checks, 'cause I got a Iittle trouble with the IRS.

Okay. Well, it'll just be cash.

Okay, good. Just be cash. That's the cleanest.

Yeah, yeah, that's the way the dope boy do it.

You can spend cash. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

I know a Iot of ways to spend them. I'll be making it rain.

Joe, a real pleasure meeting you. Yeah?

Yeah, get your hand off me, son. I'm sorry.

I don't Iike people touching me. Folks don't wash their hands.

AII right, Dad.

AII right, son. Son. Dad.

Okay. AII right.

I Iove you now. I Iove you, too, Dad.

I Iove you. I Iove you with the Iove of the Lord.

He thinks I'm his son.

Well, this has been a Iovely, Iovely, Iovely...

Been a great movie. Didn't you enjoy it?

Good night.