Magicians (2007) Script

Oh, man, we rock! We rock so hard. I was amazing, you were brilliant.

Together, we were shitting gold, pure gold.

You must admit, it is going well.

Maybe. Maybe, so far, the whole thing isn't a total fucking fiasco.

Oh, God, Carol! God, I'm so sorry, sweetheart. We were so...

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay, no thanks to you.

Great work on the box trick tonight.

Of course I did great work on the box trick.

I always do great work on the box trick.

I'm the boxpert, yeah. It's what I do.

Well, yeah. Listen, I have to check in with the manager.

Yeah? Good, 'cause me and Karl have something we need to check, too.

Yeah? Yeah. You know, what we talked about?

What, you mean now? Yes, now.

See you later, Harry.

Okay, I'm going to extend your run. I want you to do another four weeks.

That's potentially very exciting.

Then I've got to do a week of the Hungarian State bleeding Circus.

I mean, three men and a chicken?

How is that even a circus?

In the meantime, I have an associate who is looking for a cruise ship act.

Very nice boat, very lucrative.

You interested? Brilliant. We'll do it.

I mean, I should probably check with Karl...

But don't ask anyone else, will you?

I mean, I can't stress enough, Karl really is a total formality.

Karl?

Carol, what are you... Where's Karl?

Oh, I don't know.

What's in the box?

Don't open the box, Harry!

Why not?

Just...

What the... Karl!

Oh, God.

You...

Okay, look, so maybe this has happened, but let's just, for the next hour, pretend it hasn't happened.

How would you feel about that? Does that sound like a plan?


The thing about the Vegetator is that it will never, and, I repeat, never need sharpening.

You can cut your Tommy tomatoes with it, you can cut your potatoes with it.

It's so sharp, it can cut through tin cans.

You can even cut right through your own flesh into the bone if you're feeling depressed or lonely.

Bloody hell! Are you all right?

Of course, with a knife like this, you're never likely to be depressed or lonely.

This knife basically guarantees happiness.

I'm making a complaint.

I'm sorry. It's fun, magical fun.

I think they liked it. I don't know what his problem is.

That is a great trick.

I think they left with a feeling of wonder. That's the important thing.

Yeah, and I doubt he's actually going to make a complaint.

I mean, loads of people have said they're going to, but who actually has?

Greetings. I am Mind Monger, and I am about to enter your brain.

I don't know. The beard just feels wrong.

Then let's lose the beard, man.

You're not married to the beard.

As your agent, that's why I'm here, help you make these hard choices.

So, this big pitch. I thought I could kick off with a dove trick, but, sort of, mind-reader style.

You know, say that I'm projecting thoughts into its little...

No, Karl.

With the right spin, we can make just about any kind of magic appear cool, but not doves.

Otto...

Doves aren't going to get you on TV, Karl.

No, don't...

Otto, the dove was stage-prepared.

Wing-clipped. What?

Oh, shit.

So, purpose of loan is basically...

Eating, staying alive. Is there a category for that?

General. Okay.

And in the last five years have there been any major changes to your circumstances?

I am widowed. I'm a widower.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry about that.

And do you mind if I ask, for the form, how she died?

Right. She... She was...

You know. No. Sorry.

It was the usual.

The usual?

Decapitated.

Blimey! Was that a traffic incident?

Magic. It was a magic accident.

Magic?

I actually cut her head off with a guillotine.

Shit!

I mean, no blame was attached to me.

That's been proved in a court of law.

Well, a coroner's court, which is a court of law in point of fact.

It was a freak accident. There were seven different safety mechanisms, so...

Right.

You're not putting anything bad down, are you?

I'm a standard applicant. Put that, "standard applicant," won't you?

Sure.

"Standard applicant."

Just putting it twice.

What are we waiting for? What time is it?

What time is it? It's pitch o'clock.

It's five to pitch.

Okay. Okay, come on. Just keep moving.

I'm just really, really not sure this is a good idea.

Hello. We're here for Caroline. Laters.

I need to see your passes. You do not need to see our passes.

I do need to see your passes. You have seen our passes.

Let's mind bomb some TV execs.

What we need is a change in the...

Hi. Caroline, Otto Johnson.

We spoke briefly, once.

You were fascinated by me and my ideas.

I would like to present Karl Allen.

Greetings. I am Mind Monger.

Karl is going to work some serious fucking magic on your ratings, if you know what I mean.

Is this a pitch?

It will only take a moment of your human time.

I'm sorry, but I'm in the middle of a meeting.

I would like you to dip into your brain and think of a word.

Would you both please leave immediately?

A word, a simple word.

Okay, dickhead.

My word is "dickhead". Perfect.

And now, if you would turn to the window and look out of it, you will see the exact word which I have just implanted into your brain.

That doesn't. That says "dickwad".

It says, "dickhead". "Dickwad."

Well, come on! There's a dick word on the bloody bridge.

Let's let the dream live, yeah?

I have to say, I have a very, very good feeling about that.

Hi! Hey, guys!

I just wanted to say, dickwad, dickhead, whatever!

The big picture was you actually put a word in her head.

Exactly. Thank you.

I mean, of course you're going to get a few letters muddled here or there.

I can't even get my broadband working half the time, you know?

Indeed. And it is a well-known factoid that most people only use 1% of their brain capacity.

Even someone like me is probably only using about 17% most of the time, so there will be errors.

Exactly. Wow!

Here, have my card.

Great. The tea girl likes your act.

Tell me, love, are you by any chance going on that show where you get to be controller of a TV channel for a day.

No. Right.

Then we should probably fuck off.

Walk with me, Karl.

I'd love to help, really, but I don't know, Harry.

I just feel now's the time. Time for me to get back on the magic horse.

Sure. It's just I really can't book you for anything.

I mean, I know you do a great, and, no doubt, totally safe show, but imagine if it came out... - Is that...

Is that who I think it is?

Oh, my God! I'm going to shit! Harry Kane! Say something to him.

Oh, sure, like I'm just going to go up to Harry Kane and say something.

Are you trying to kill me?

What about in the shop?

I could dem a few tricks. I might be something of an attraction.

Not in a good way, Harry.

Look, a guy came in looking for pros to cold read on a tarot phone line.

I told him people wouldn't be interested, but maybe...

Right.

Psychic.

Thanks.

So, I'll take you out and show you my prop van in a bit, but first, coffee.

How do you like it? Weak and white, like my men.

So, this is nice. You've got a nice flat.

I bet you say that to all the men whose flats you go round to.

Not that you go round to loads of men's flats.

It's okay. You were joking. Yes. Thank you.

So, this is amazing, you working in the shop, and me with no idea you'd been a magician's assistant for...

The thing is, basically, that is a lie.

A lie?

You see, I really, really want to do this.

I brought a CD to audition. It's not magic.

It's just a dance routine me and Karen used to do in the stockroom.

Okay, the thing is...

I'm really sorry about this, but it is a very prestigious competition and...

Yeah. And this is a really fun dance.

I burned a CD.

Well, I suppose if you've burned a CD.

Okay. So, if you just want to imagine that there's two of us standing next to each other just doing pretty much the same thing.

But if you can't... If you can't, it doesn't matter.

Okay.


Anyway, you get the idea. So, what do you think?

I liked it.

Great. What was your favourite bit?

The bit where you were on the floor.

Yeah, that's a good bit, isn't it?

So, look, I know it's not magic, but what do you say?

Well, my answer is...

My answer is yes. Yes!

But we'll need a lot of rehearsal. Oh, yeah, of course. Totally. I mean...

So, I think we should probably wait till the next Shield in 2011.

Or maybe the one after? 2015?

But I think with four to eight years practice, we stand a really strong chance.

And keep the money. - Right.

This is my money, I should point out.

It doesn't belong to the production company or Channel 4. This is mine.

So, with the best will in the world, I'm going to try to make you not win it.

Sure? All right. Can you sort it out?

- Hello? Hello, Karl. This is Harry.

Shit.

Yes. Now, listen.

I was thinking we should maybe enter the Shield together.

Now, look, I don't want to talk about feelings.

We both have feelings, that's horribly obvious, but, well, if you do not wish to think about entering, please replace the receiver now.

If you wish to hear my thoughts, please stay on the line.

Okay, it would be strictly business.

In, win, split the money, goodbye.

No bar chat, bonhomie or late night laugh sessions.

If you're interested, please state the word "interested" at this point.

Interested.

Good. Then, I was thinking for the prelims, we could do the cut-down routine, the 10-minuter.

If you're on board please state, "See you there, Harry," and we will see each other there.

"See you there, Harry."

Likewise. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Likewise.


Could you pass me that magazine, please, Otto?

Oh, right.

It's like that now, is it?

Not content with dragging me all the way to Jersey, now I have to pass him the magazine.

Yeah, pulled a hot one last night. We did it three times.

Once, immediately we got to my room. Loads of jizz.

Then first thing this morning. A bit less jizz.

Then about 20 minutes after that, almost no jizz at all.

Harry? Oh, hi, Tony.

What the hell? Are you off to the Shield?

Why are you taking a ferry, you big loser?

Well, I don't like to fly.

Actually, that may or may not be true, because I've never actually flown.

Listen, good luck for the Shield.

Don't need it. You do.

Right. Exactly.

So, what do you think of the pussy? What?

You don't get out much, do you? Ferry pussy?

Oh, come on. I'll show you.

Question: What is a hunter's favourite place?

Tony, I don't know. Kenya?

Answer: The watering hole, because that's where all his prey comes in the end.

Suck my wand? I beg your pardon?

Suck my wand? It's magic.

I'm so sorry! I'll ask up to 30 women a night.

Law of averages, eventually, I'll get a bit. That is the law.

Suck my wand? Kiss my arse.

Yeah, you will get that occasionally.

Suck my wand? Want to suck my magic wand?

Not until you've eaten me out.

Oh, now that's just disgusting!

I mean, I was just trying to have a bit of fun and she has to come out with that.

It's disgusting, right?


Kane! One o'clock, it's Kane!

You know, they say that afterwards her body ran around on its own like some kind of weird chicken.


Nice work, Wolfgang.

There will be a card on your dinner table.

Yellow means through to the next round. Red means no.

Red is a rejection, yeah? You got that?

Good luck.

You'll fucking need it.

There's no method to that, apparently. He just takes the pain.

Sick bastard.

Yeah, and so, like, the third time, there was, like, hardly any jizz at all, no...

Bloody Nora! Gee whiz!

Dwight. Dwight.

Bloody hell! How are you doing, kid?

I've not seen you for... Seven months.

Yeah, yeah, something like that. Yeah.

Hey, it's too long, that, kiddo. Yeah. Yeah, it is a bit too long, Dad.

Yeah, exactly. We should hang out more, huh?

You never call. You never call.

Yeah, well, you never call me, so quits.

So, how are you? What are you doing here?

I'm here for the Junior Shield.

I didn't even know you were into magic. God, you never tell me anything!

I did tell you, Dad.

No, because I think I would have remembered.

I definitely did tell you.

All right, Son. Back off a bit there. I'm still your dad.

Dwight?

That's me. I've got to go.

Good. Good luck.

Don't fuck it up. I'm kidding. Kidding.

Oh, my God. I mean, have you even... Have you looked in a mirror?

I give up my job at MTV and my screenplay that was involved in all that litigation, all for you, and then one bad pitch and you come running on back to Head-Chop Harry.

Otto, it's just one comp, and it was only the post room at MTV and the screenplay didn't...

Two years! Two years we spend on the look, the smell of the act.

We spent three months getting the sideburns the right length for Christ's sake, Karl.

Oh, right, yeah.

God forbid I should enter the magic sanctum.

Oh, my God! Does that mean what I think it means?

They're not? Shit! Kane and Allen.

I have achieved wood.

Gentlemen.

It's like Israel and Palestine.

Yeah, entering a magic competition together.

Harry! Karl! Together!

Fantastic! This is amazing!

I'm really sorry to have to call you in, but we need a first round to, you know, sort the wheat from the chaff.

I just wanted to say to you, Harry, you know, about the incredibly sad incident.

Our PR people feel that this could be, not in a tasteless way, amazing for the comp, so I just wanted to settle your mind on that score.

Oh, great.

So, we're a little rusty, but we'll be performing...

You're through, okay? That's it. Done and dusted.

Well, I think we'd better just do a run-through just to freshen up.

So, here is a normal handkerchief.

Actually, Mike, if it's okay, I thought we'd do something different.

When I had a look, the dye tubes had got a bit damp, so...

Don't worry on my account. I'm putting your yellow cards in the envelopes.

You've decided to change the trick? I was going to discuss it before.

I'm sorry I was late, okay?

The hotel had accidentally booked us a double.

I thought we could do the bullet catch.

Brilliant. Saw you do it in '98. Lovely illusion.

You're through. Okay, send in the next guy, will you?

So, right, you want me to stand here while you point a gun at my head?

It's only blanks, Karl.

They are not blanks. They are live rounds.

I'm just not sure if I'm comfortable with, you know.

Oh, that's nice. I know what you're implying.

I didn't say it. The implication is clear.

Harry, you cut her head off. Okay? I don't want you pointing a gun at me.

We were not going to talk, Karl. We agreed not to talk, and that was the main thing we were not going to talk about.

Honestly, guys, relax. You're through, okay?

Listen, Mike, I'm going solo, okay? Put me down as a solo act.

Okay, fine. If he's going solo, I'll go solo, too. Put me down for solo.

I can take the heat solo.

It'll be interesting to see whether you can, Harry.

You don't really think it'll be interesting. You think I won't be very good.

But, in fact, I will be very good, and that will be very interesting for me.

Oh, my God! Karl, you will never guess who I just bumped into in the street.

Answer: Daisy Pryor from Fast Frame Productions.

She was literally just simply looking at some cakes.

She's down here scouting for TV talent. We had a great chat. A great chat.

Wow, Otto, man! Exactly.

What shall I do for her? What shall I do for the second round?

Mr Potato Head. That's always pretty amazing.

Yes. Or, do your Potato Head shit, but you do it Blaine-styling. Up a tree.

Up a tree?

Not up a tree.

In a pond!

In a pond? Not in a pond.

Buried up to your neck in the sand.

No, I don't like that. You, in the freaking sand!

Just your little head poking out.

I will webcast it. Daisy will freak. There'll be a huge buzz.

German housewives logging on.

Japanese guys probably jerking off looking at your head.

And here's the pitch, you don't need food.

You are living off your brain.

I can't say how grateful I am you flew over at such short notice.

Very brave.

Yeah, well, I don't have a problem with flying, so...

It is brave. Thousands of feet up through the thin air.

That's brave.

Yeah, well, I'm just pleased you want me to be your assistant.

You must be really desperate.

No, that's not the truth. That's not at all the truth.

And you don't mind about not doing the dance?

Sure. Sure, I mean, I might do a bit of the dance when you're not looking, but...

Joke.

Wow! Are these all your tricks? That's right.

What's that? Oh, that? Levitation kit.

Needs a huge amount of strength in the forearm.

Karl tried, but he could never quite manage it.

It was funny once, because we...

Anyway, I had to practice for weeks after I made it.

You start to think that you're going nuts, but then, when you take it somewhere and fry, really fry an audience, so that you can actually hear them gasp, then that's an acceptable end to the trick.

They actually gasp? Sometimes.

So, maybe we should go with the levitation and the sponge balls.

What's this?

This looks amazing! Oh, that. That's not a...

I really wasn't planning on using that.

But this should be the climax of the act.

No. No? Why not?

Why not? Well, because...

That's something that I should probably explain, which is that...

That in fact the technical skills involved in manipulating the balls are actually far greater than in operating the...

Listen, you may be too close to your act to realise, but, trust me, I know what's better out of sponge balls or a wicked, big guillotine.

But... We're going with the guillotine, Harry, because I want to win, yeah?

I'm not messing about. No. Sure.

We're going to fuck them. Right, Harry?

Right. No, we are. Say it.

We're going to fuck them.

That's right.

Where are we going to fuck them, Harry?

In the auditorium?

No. No, not the auditorium, Harry. In the arse.

We're going to fuck them in the arse.

Say it.

We're going to fuck them in the arse.

Shit! Otto. What?

That's her, isn't it? It's Dani.

The TV coffee person we've been texting.

Oh, my God! You are kidding!

She said she might, but I didn't think she'd actually...

She's come all the way down here? She's a bloody stalker!

What? Seriously, that... She's mental.

Don't... Don't do it. Honestly, she probably keeps poo in her handbag. Seriously.

Dani? Karl!

Hey there, Dani. Hi! God, you're here!

This is just so incredible.

I mean, this morning I just sat down to have a normal breakfast, and then this thought popped into my head, "Why not go and see Karl?"

Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, isn't it?

It was you, wasn't it? I'm sorry?

You made me come down here, didn't you?

Well, I... You know, influenced me.

I'm under your power.

Well, there may have been seeds planted, but I would never make you do anything you didn't want to do.

Right. That's what I expected you'd say.

So, would you like a drink? God, that is freaky.

You knew exactly what I was thinking.

Right, yeah. Vibrations. So, what would you like?

Come on. You know.

A pint for me, please, and a white wine for the lady.

Amazing. White wine. Wow. Yeah, you got me.

That is exactly what I drink.

White wine, or red wine.

Or a lager.

So, music, music, music, and you're now flying Harry Kane Airlines.

And applause, applause, applause.

Brilliant. So, how am I doing so far?

You're good. You're really amazingly good at this.

Yeah. Actually, it's a bit tight round my bum, Harry.

Could you just get a finger in there and give it a waggle?

Under the strap, obviously.

Not in my bum!

Sure, yes, I'll just get my hands in there, under there.

So, how do I compare to your other assistants?

I bet you've had lots.

Not really. Just the one really.

Really? What was she like? Was she as good as me?

Yeah, well, she was fine.

I might leave the levitation kit here. My room's packed out and...

He doesn't want to talk about it. Did you have an affair with her, Harry?

Is that why you don't want to talk about it?

It was... She was...

As a matter of fact, she was my wife.

Your wife? So you're married?

Oh, no. No, no, no. Not anymore. Oh, right. So what happened?

There. I think that should be a bit better.

The sexual harassment is over.

God, I'm so sorry! Did I... Relax, Harry, okay?

You can cup my arse anytime.


Genuine fake turd based on the 1947 Ted Krueger original design.

It's a classic.

Is it magic?

It's on the borderline, where magic meets novelty.

Here are the flowers, the flowers of love.

The flowers of love? Oh, God.

Are you kidding me? Lose that. Don't say that.

Where do they come from? To whence will they go?

Whence? Oh, whence?

Indeed, whither goeth the flowers?

To Klangindor, perchance, to charm Princess Hobdongle?

For here is the posy now, and now...

It's gone!

Thank you. Hey, hey, where did you source that?

It's my own mechanism, Dad. I made it.

Oh. How does it work then? Can't say.

Oh, come on, Son. Don't come the old pro with me. Tell me.

No. That was brilliant.

You might want to rethink the hair, but the trick was brilliant.

I taught him everything he knows.

The only thing I learnt from you was how to be a selfish shit.

That's just banter, matey banter. We're always at it, back and forth.

Anyway, I'm Tony White. Don't believe the rumours. They're all true.

Except for the duck thing.

I mean, do I actually look like the sort of bloke who'd suck off a duck?

How deep is he going? Does he need to go that deep?

What about burrowing creatures? Have you researched this?

It's perfect. Bye-bye.

That, my friend, was Fast Frame Productions, Daisy Pryor. Now she's seen the show reel, she thinks, and I quote, she might want your face for their show.

Meeting's tonight at 8:00.

They want my face?

You've made them want my face, you bloody king!

Okay, tonight at 8:00. So, the only thing about tonight is I'm supposed to be meeting Dani for dinner.

Yeah, well, cancel her. Yeah, I'll just cancel her.

Yeah, obviously. I can't believe you even had to think twice.

Well, I didn't have to think twice. I just thought once.

Yeah. I can't believe you even had to think once.

Why do we even want to see her fat face again?

She hasn't got a fat face. She's got quite a fat face.

I'll just call her and get her to change...

Karl, please, can you stop calling her?

Why? Why? "Why," he asks.

Well, what about us? Us?

Yes, what about us? What "us"? There isn't an "us", is there?

Of course there's an us!

It's me and you, together.

The team. Having a laugh, kissing.

We don't kiss. We just had a kiss.

Yeah, but that was an accident.

An... Right, okay, an accident.

Like the way your leg brushes against mine every time we take a taxi together?

That's a lot of accidents, Karl.

Harry! Hey, Harry!

Hello, Harry.

I didn't not hear you. I was ignoring you on purpose.

You know, to be rude.

Right, I get it. Bitter.

Yeah, life after Karl must be pretty tough, all by yourself.

Yeah, well, I've got a new assistant, actually.

Yes. Karl and I met her in the bar last night.

She seemed pretty surprised when Karl mentioned the, you know, incident.

Anyway, good luck in the next round.

Can I help you?

Yeah, is... Is... Has... Is this room...

What's going on? Where's the person from this room?

This room's vacant. It's been vacant since this morning.

What? What are you talking about? Well, you do know what "vacant" means?

Dirty tricks! You had to resort to dirty tricks.

Harry?

Linda's gone, Karl. She's gone because of you, because of what you told her. You shit!

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't realise it was supposed to be a secret.

It wasn't a secret.

Just because you haven't told someone something yet doesn't make it a secret.

I haven't told her I've been to Portugal.

Is that a secret?

I don't know, did you chop anyone's head off in Portugal?

You'd better shut your mouth, Karl. Just shut up and apologise.

Shut up and apologise?

Yes, you dick! Apologise for telling Linda and for what you've never apologised for. The big thing you've never apologised for.

You should thank me for telling her. You probably never would have managed it.

Oh, right, I see. Okay.

Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Thank you, Karl. Thank you very much for having it away with my wife and scaring off my assistant and ruining my life.

Okay, here's a thank you present for you.

Urine. How's that? Lovely warm urine, all over your head.

Harry, look, don't. Just let's talk about this.

The time for talking has ended, Karl. The time for pissing has begun.

Damn! I can't go now!

You've got away with it! Once again, you've got away with it all!

So there's no hydrofoil or super-fast catamaran?

It's just the plane? That's right.

It's just I've got to get to London and back in four hours for the second round.

Do you think that's possible? No.

Thanks. That's very reassuring.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay. Didn't you see her, the plane woman, showing us the emergency exits and the emergency lighting and the oxygen masks falling from the ceiling?

Relax. There's really nothing to worry about.

I mean, if they're expecting that, I really, really feel they should cancel the flight.

Would you like one of my sweets for the air pressure?

I chopped my wife's head off.

Right. Really?

I'm sorry, but I did that.

That's just something I did. And I just want you to know that, because, if something happens, well, maybe I sort of deserve it.

Look, I'm sure you don't deserve it.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm going to die, and I'm taking you all with me!

Just here, that's her house. Thanks for the fast driving by the way.

Although, maybe you should actually go and check on that dog.

Will you wait in case she's not in? Oh, sure, mate.

Linda, thank God you've called.

I've been trying to get hold of you. Look, I just wanted to say...

Oh. Oh, right, you've changed rooms.

Sorry. Yeah. Next door's music was just getting too loud.

Yes, sorry I didn't call, but my mobile phone was dead.

- Oh. Right. Yeah, the billing's out.

Okay, we're third, so in two hours we're going on.

- Do you want to meet backstage now and... Well...

Actually, I can't be there straightaway.

You can't?

No, I'm going to the solarium.

The solarium? But, Harry, it's the second round.

Linda, I am unshakeable on this. Sorry.

See you after the solarium.

Back to the airport, please, as fast as you possibly can.

You come across as a very pernickety, unhelpful sort of man, but do you think there's any chance at all that you could, like, you know, subvert that image and help us out by just swapping the act order? That's it.

Could Mr A Smith please let himself be known to a member of the cabin crew?

We have a message for you.

That's code. I used to work in a supermarket, and we played La Cucaracha if there was a fire.

I'm telling you, that's code.

We're all gonna die.

Thank you!

Is that all you're giving me? You really are a bunch of hard nuts.

Thank you, Tony White and his Orbs of Delight...

Don't bother, mate. Unless you can turn water into wine, this lot aren't interested.

Change to our printed billing. Yes, after an effing bureaucratic nightmare, would you please welcome to the stage, before Harry Kane, Mr Karl Allen, the Mind Monger.

Hello, people. I have a revelation.

In order to test the human capacity for being buried up to the neck in sand, the Mind Monger has been buried up to the neck in sand.

The Mind Monger is asking for a volunteer to perform the illusion known simply as, Mr Potato Head.

The Mind Monger will now exactly match the selection of potato features chosen by his childlike assistant.

Thank you.

Good.

Now, in yet another moment, Harry Kane and Linda, but first up, it's All The Fun Of The Hair with Dietmar.

Local bylaws require me to warn you that the climax of this routine does feature a trouser drop.

But the items revealed, no matter how realistic they may appear, are not his actual penis or scrotum. Thank you.

Sorry.

Linda, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Harry, we're on in, like, one second. Are you okay?

Yeah. What the hell were you doing at that solarium?

You've been, like, three hours. Is that even safe?

Yeah, well, it's a tradition of mine. Gives me that extra edge.

If it works for Copperfield...

And now, at long last, Harry Kane and Linda.

That was quite a feat, wasn't it?

I mean, apart from the 7UP and the nachos, I really was living off my brain.

Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, now, I want to talk about the Fast Frame Productions meet, about the code word.

If you say anything that undermines my negotiating power, I'm going to drop in the code word and you're going to back off.

Okay, so what's the code word? Courteney Cox.

It's the best code word. I've used it a hundred times.

It's totally normal. Okay.

Yeah, and listen, about before, just wanted to say, you know, I'm sorry about all that.

Oh, it's fine, mate. I mean, you know, if you're gay, that's fine.

Gay? What? What do you mean, gay? It's not the '80s.

Right.

Look, I'm...

Remember when we went to Alton Towers?

We went on the Liquidiser. You got scared. You grabbed my arm.

That was fun, wasn't it? A hell of a lot of fun.

Yeah. Yeah, that was fun.

Right, so let's just keep having fun. That's all I'm saying.

Sure. Yeah, fine.

So, remember, if it's all going tits up, I'll drop in the code word, Courteney Cox.

Well, that wasn't a complete disaster.

We might want to think about a more exciting theme for the final.

Right. I'm actually working on an idea. Leave it to me.

I mean, if we qualify.

You know the tan's actually gone to your collar, Harry?

What? That's not possible.

Harry, just tell me the truth. Where did you go?

All right. The thing is...

Look, it was complicated.

When I saw your room was empty, I went to your house.

I thought what Karl said to you last night might have...

You flew to London? Yes.

I mean, don't you mind that I chopped my wife's head off and didn't tell you?

Harry, I'm a glass-half-full kind of person, you know.

If you hadn't chopped your wife's head off, we wouldn't be here doing this.

Plus, lightning doesn't strike twice. Quite.

I mean, technically it can, but it won't.

I mean, I'd be more worried if I was doing a guillotine trick with someone who hadn't chopped his wife's head off.

Exactly.

So you conquered your fear of flying just to come and find me?

Well, yes.

That's pretty romantic.

It's just the competition. I really want to win the competition.

Come on.

Linda... It's okay, Harry.

We can both feel it. You like me and I like you.

It's out there.

No. Come on, Harry, cut the bullshit.

You're this close to kissing me.

No. I'm not.

Oh, fuck!

On behalf of Fast Frame Productions, I want to say it's very good to meet you both.

This is an exciting project.

Very exciting, because, you know...

We want to shake off the whole Doris Stokes tea leaves and twin sets image of a medium.

Exactly. A medium?

Yeah. Don't worry, Karl. You're in the right meeting.

We were thinking, and I don't really like this idea, but it might be popular, that you could talk to murder victims and get them to say who murdered them.

Or we could do a brainy-style show, with dead people, like Mozart or Sherlock Holmes, reviewing that week's TV through you.

Right. That's interesting.

I just wonder how do you feel that someone like, maybe Courteney Cox, would feel about doing a medium show like that?

Good question. Richard?

Courteney Cox? I think she'd love it.

So we're basically talking 15-minute slots in half-hour shows?

Yeah. The other half will be a spiritual healer, where the blind andlor sick place one hand on the screen and with the other navigate through the interactive guide to a payment system.

If it ever works, which I doubt it will. That's cool.

Right. But, I mean, do you think, Otto, that Courteney Cox out of Friends would be into something like that?

Yeah, I think she would. So, contracts?

Sure, but would she really, though? Courteney Cox?

- I'm sorry. He's obsessed with Friends. Right.

So, Karl will be doing this new medium act if he makes it to the final?

Is that right? Yes.

Courteney Cox!

Great. Then everyone back at head office will get a chance to see it on TV, and if all goes well, we can sign the deal right here.

Great. Courteney Cox, Courteney Cox.

Courteney Cox! Excellent.

A TV show? That's brilliant!

Yeah, but I'm not really sure about it. Why?

Well, you know, it's medium stuff. You know, contacting the dead.

Oh, right. Wow.

Is that draining?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Plus, you know, I mean, magic has traditions, sort of codes of conduct.

There are some things you don't do, but then, getting on TV is hard.

You can't just ring up and say you're going to fill in for Jamie Oliver.

Yeah, but anyone can just make a sandwich and go on and on about it.

You can contact the dead.

Yeah. Yep.

Karl, you know I feel really close to you.

Yeah.

And I'm really looking forward to tonight.

But I was just thinking, just now, do you think maybe you could contact someone for me?

Contact someone? Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think so, Dani.

It's just, you know, my dad. I just...

I really, really miss him and sometimes, I wish... I just wish...

There are just so many things I didn't get to say to him.

I really can't. I mean, I don't...

No, no. Sure. Sure, if you can't or won't, that's...

No, I mean, it's not like that. It's just, you know, I...

Okay, well... Okay, maybe I could... I'll just...

Hold on. Yeah, I'll just see if there's anything...

Yeah, okay.

Oh, all right. Yeah, I'll tell her.

Okay, so here's the thing.

He's not available right now.

I've been told the ectoplasm, it's too thick, so, I mean, there's just no way through right now.

That was an actual message from the other side?

Yes.

You actually got through to the other side in front of my very eyes?

That is amazing!

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's just an administrative call really, but, yeah. Yeah, I did.

I've told you once, I don't want to tell you again, so, fuck you, yeah? Fuck you.

He's not going through because he didn't get enough votes, and no, you can't count them yourself, because they've been shredded, okay? This isn't Sweden here, Lenny.

This is North Korea. This is Syria. Get it?

Okay! So, welcome to all our second-round contestants.

In here are the names of the finalists.

Can I just say if, when you hear them, you find yourselves raising your eyebrows, just remember, it's going out on the Home Space Channel, and it wouldn't fit with their demographic if all the magicians were men, apparently.

So, naming no names, but some people have been very lucky.

So, the finalists for the Shield are...

Greg Davis.

Dietmar's World of Wigs.

Magibot.

The Remarkable Carringtons.

Mandy Pandy.

Karl Allen, Mind Monger.

Last, and in some senses, i.e. the number of votes cast, least, Tony White's Orbs of Delight.

Just warming up, my friends, just warming up.

Oh, and of course, the latecomers, Harry Kane and Linda.

Linda, obviously, is a woman, but apparently that doesn't count because she is an assistant. You literally could not make it up.

Okay, everyone. Big smiles.

So, Karlos, what's your routine for the final?

Actually, I can't say.

Oh, come on, mate, nobody's going to be vanishing a car ferry. What are you doing?

Well, you know, I mean, this whole thing's a crock of crap, obviously, so I just thought I'd, you know, freak everyone out, do something a bit different, a bit of medium stuff.

Medium? You're going to do psychic?

It'll be with a very modern twist.

Oh, my God!

Okay, big smiles, everyone.

Look, what exactly is so great about being able to pretend that you can produce endless flags out of a hat?

Isn't it actually a lot better to be able to bring someone a message of hope from the other side?

No, sure, and it's just right for you.

It's phoney, it's manipulative, it's dishonest.

Actually, could we just bring the assistants forward a bit?

Listen, Harry, just because you've never experienced anything more amazing than a packet of McCain Micro Chips, doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't exist, okay?

Oh, great, and tell us, Karl, what do you see on the other side from your big supernatural umpire's chair?

Every single person who's ever died?

Plato and millions and millions of Chinese peasants and Bob Hope?

I tell you what I can see.

I can see Carol, your wife, with her head cut off, and the head is on the floor, crying.

Let's magic up some big smiles.

Well, he's late, isn't he? He is late.

So, you managed to get rid of, what's her name, the nutter?

Otto, you know what her name is, and I'm sorry, but I really, really like her.

Bollocks!

You haven't even slept with her yet, have you? You haven't, have you?

No, but I'm really looking forward to it.

You are not looking forward to it. You're scared out of your wits.

I know you, Karl.

You haven't been able to get it up for four years, and your last lay was a total disaster.

No, it wasn't.

As a result, your career ended and your best friend's wife died.

That was a good lay, was it?

Yeah, but that was just a one-off, wasn't it?

Exactly, a one-off, an aberration.

We've all taken a wrong turn and ended up somewhere weird.

Like a vagina.

Otto, I am not gay.

Honestly, though, mate, what are you going to do when the knickers come off and it comes at you, eh?

With its great hairy flaps all flapping and flying, eh?

What are you going to do? You haven't got the faintest idea, have you?

Okay, first off, I object to the term "stooge".

Oh, look at the stooge. Let's laugh at the stooge.

Let's make the stooge fight the goon for our entertainment. No.

I'm sorry. I am an assistant magician.

Sure, but just to clarify, we're paying the stooge rate, yeah?

That's fair enough.

So, a lot of people are like, "Well, what's a stooge do?"

"Just acts normal."

Well, yeah, normal is very hard.

I like to give it some of this.

Who, me?

See?

I ain't doing much but a touch. Because some stooges, they're like, "Who, me? I can't believe it!"

No. I like to keep it real, but then, you see, I give it the trip.

Just a tiny little stumble.

Nothing OTT, just a very nice little...

Did you catch that?

You see, that's my trademark. That is acting.

Hamlet is a piece of piss if you can master the trip.

What's wrong?

It's just, what I thought we were about to do, although I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

You're nervous about the final, aren't you?

If you want, we could do some rehearsal.

Why don't you project a thought into my mind, and I'll try and receive it?

Dani... Is it a squirrel?

No, I'm not...

It's a hexagon. A squirrel trapped in a hexagon.

No, no, no. I don't want to practice. I want to do what we were going to do.

It's just... I've not exactly had...

I haven't done it for... Much...

For quite a long while, and the last time, it didn't go very well.

Oh, why? What happened?

Well, there were issues. You know, male issues. I couldn't...

Put your gloves on? No.

I couldn't rise to the occasion.

Oh, poor you!

You don't have to worry about that. It's okay. Really, it's okay.

Oh, well, it's quite a relief to hear you say that, because the last person I was with, she was very much of the opinion that it wasn't okay.

Those were her exact word words, in fact.

"This is not okay."

"This is not okay, Karl."

Oh, that's horrible.

I think if we get the new theme right, then it's between us, Karl, the Remarkable Carringtons and Greg Davis.

And Greg's always going to have the charges hanging over him.

Unfounded, of course, but no one remembers that, do they?

Cut the bullshit, Linda.

You're this close to kissing me.

Let's cut the bullshit, Linda, and just have a massive, great big screw.

What's this, Harry? What?

This list in your trouser pocket.

"Linda,"

"pros and cons."

That's actually private.

I'd rather you didn't read from my private journals.

"Cons, the dance."

So you didn't like my dance? I did.

Then why is it on the bloody cons? It's...

"Bum." Oh, thanks. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

There are pros. Look at the pros. Bum is in pros and cons.

What does that mean? What? It's big, but you like it?

Well, what about your great, big, fat arse?

Linda, let's not get personal.

"Unstablelmental."

Look at the pros! You're focusing on the cons.

"Enjoys Thai food."

What is wrong with liking Thai food?

I just think it's samey. But that's a very minor concern.

That's right at the bottom, Linda.

You are a complete weirdo.

What kind of a robot writes a list?

Do you want to hear my list?

You are an emotionally retarded coward.

Yeah, with a Hitler haircut.

You can't just ignore the pros!

Linda!

Oh, yes, Dani, it's working! It's a stayer.

Great! But, Karl, just before we, you know, there's something I was wondering if you'd do for me.

Of course. Anything.

Because I really want to be, you know, in the moment, but I just can't stop thinking about my dad, so I was wondering, maybe you could try again?

Contact your dad?

Now? Yeah.

Because I've been thinking about doing a course, retraining, and I can't decide whether to go for accountancy or media studies.

Can you ask him what he thinks?

Sure. Yeah, let's have a...

Well, he's there.

And there's a message coming through, and the message is, "Follow your heart."

Mention one has more flexibility, the other offers more long-term security.

Okay.

Thanks. Accounting. He says definitely accounting.

Right. Got to follow in Daddy's footsteps.

Just what I expected.

Actually... Actually, while he's there, can you just ask him what he thinks about you?

I'm sorry?

I always took boyfriends home to meet Dad before we, you know, got serious.

Oh. Well, I'll just check.

Thank you.

He says, "Karl's a good guy. Trust Karl."

Really? He said that?

"He's a very respectable young man." Those were his exact words.

Really? That kind of doesn't sound like him...

Look, basically he likes me. I mean, that's the thrust of it.

He thinks I'm a great guy and we should just get down to it.

He said we should get down to it?

God! That is so weird.

He sounds drunk.

Oh, God. He's started drinking again.

Listen, Dani, your dad, he's not drinking, and he didn't tell me that you should study accountancy.

He thinks I should do media studies? No, he...

The truth is, he didn't tell me anything.

What?

I'm not a medium, Dani.

I've never talked to your dad, and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

What?

So you just lie?

Not lie exactly. It's more magic.

You know, there are certain techniques. It's... It's meant to be fun.

Yeah, right, fun! Is this fun?

Look, I didn't mean to trick you, Dani. Get out, Karl!

Just get out, you fucking liar!

Oh, yes.

It's not what it looks like, Otto. I'm locked out of my room.

Sure. Sure, you are. I'll play your little game, Karl.


Please welcome the chairman of the judges, Magic Table Shieldist of 1985, and the man we have to thank for all the months of very hard work that go into the competition, Mr Michael Francis!

Thank you. Thank you.

So, here we are again.

Without further ado, let's meet our first contender for the ultimate magic accolade.

He's been the future of magic for nigh on 20 years, direct from the US of A, yes, it's Magibot.

Curtain. It's your stage, the Monger.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen..." Yeah.

I don't know if you've seen Dani in the audience, have you?

I mean, I reserved her a seat, but I... Karl! Karl...

Okay, just listen to me.

You have to focus, okay?

Forget about Dani and focus.

No, sure. Focus, yeah.

Yeah. That is the important thing, all right?

Focus, focus, focus.

I love you. Focus. Focus.

Yeah. I'm just going to go and focus over there for a bit, if that's cool.

Make your way to the stage, please.

All right, Harry. Nice to see you getting ahead in the business again.

Heady days, eh? Heady days.

Oh, right, a bit of pre-match sledging, Tony, you big crap magician.

Oh, ouch, that hurts. Hey, I'm happy for you.

You've got that gorgeous new assistant, yeah.

Sucks a wand real nice.

What? What are you...

Oh, we bumped into each other first night in the dealer's hall.

Hit the bar, then up to my room, fully loaded.

Loads of jizz.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tony White.

Good evening, Jersey!

Is that it? Bloody hell.

You gave the Nazis a warmer welcome than that.

It's a joke. Right.

Hey, Linda, listen. I wanted to ask you a question.

Look, Harry, if it's about the new theme, relax, okay?

It's not in bad taste, it's just edgy. There's a big difference.

Did you sleep with Tony White?

What? He told me just now.

Everything. But I wanted to hear it from you.

Tell me, Linda. I've a right to know.

Why? You don't have feelings for me.

Well, no. Exactly.

So, did you?

Well, yes, if you actually want to know, I did.

But, why? Because he was there.

You know, we're not going out, are we? No, obviously. Not at all.

Right, so just because I'm a woman, it doesn't mean I can't enjoy a meaningless fuck now and again.

Yes, of course.

And you don't mind me, you know, humping him raw.

Why would I mind? Or having a chug on his big man cock.

No. In fact, happy chugging.

See you on stage.

And after the Rings of Married Bondage, I bring you the Flowers of Love.

And much like human love, one minute it's there, but by morning, 'tis gone.

Thank you.

A little trick for you there that was invented by...

By my enormous brain.

Thank you and good night.

What?

Thank you. Tony White showing you a new flower trick and also his distinctive ring piece.

Don't worry. Whoosh! Right over the kids' heads.

Anyhow, next up, it's Karl Allen, Mind Monger.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I am about to take you on a journey into the mind, a journey travelling by brain, as we make contact with the other side.

He's not doing medium, is he?

I shall cast the spirit sphere at total random into the sea of brains.

Jason?

It is Jason, isn't it?

Me? Yes. I can't believe it.

Jason, I'm sensing that you've recently lost someone. Am I right?

Yeah. Yeah, a friend of mine, Peter. I can't believe it.

I believe Peter has something he would like to say to you, so, please, join me on stage, as I penetrate the ectoplasm.

Are you all right?

Hello? Are...

Is this part of it?

Give me a sign if this is part of it.

Bollocks.

So, sir, Jason, please...

He's off, mate. He's concussed.

The human mind, and... Good.

So, I will now search the spirit zone for another.

Is...

Is there a John in tonight?

A Mr John something?

Seriously, no Johns?

Show us some magic! - Yeah, throw us your magic ball!

Throw it! - Over here, mate!

Yes, indeed, let us use the spirits to find another subject.

Thank you, madam.

So, tell me, have you ever lost anyone?

Yes. Yes, I have.

Excellent.

Den, he died, and...

He was killed. A van hit him two months ago.

Is he... What's happened? Does he need to speak to me?

Is he all right? Can I speak to him?

He was trying to say something, but the ventilator was so loud that...

Can you tell him I miss him? Very much.

Yes.

Yes, I'm sure you do, and I wish I could help bring you and your companion back together, but...

I'm sorry. The truth is, I can't.

And anybody who says they can is a liar.

There is no spirit realm. There is no ectoplasm.

The whole thing's bollocks.

Courteney Cox!

Psychics are either cynical careerists, or, if you look at them in the best possible light, deluded schizos.

Courteney bloody Cox!

Sorry. Good night.

Take his name off the list for the finalists' carvery.

No pork loin for that fucker.

Would the Remarkable Carringtons make their way to the stage, please?

Oh, my God, Karl! I just saw. What the hell was that? I just kept thinking, "He's just so going to turn this around and do something, "you know, completely amazing out there." You just totally didn't.

You're so out! Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it's looking pretty good for me and Harry.

Anyway, look, I'll see you later. Linda, listen...

Just make sure when you're on stage, double check. Triple check.

Oh, it's fine. It's fine. We've done it, like, a thousand times.

I mean, Harry's doing the Gresham finish or something, anyway.

Seriously, Linda, you don't know what he's capable of.

I heard you earlier. You goaded him. You indulged in goading.

Carol thought it was all going to be fine.

Mandy Pandy and her Flags of the World there, an act with a message.

Okay, it's not going to end the AIDS pandemic, but maybe, just maybe, it's a start.

Harry! Stop that!

I'll bang my head if I want to, Karl. You can't stop me.

Listen, Harry, I just wanted to say about Linda, you do know all the stuff that Tony was saying about sleeping with her was bullshit.

It was just sledging.

Oh, sure. Karl, why are you even...

Really. I saw them in the bar that night.

They had one drink, and then she went back to her room and Tony stayed, trying it on with everyone.

Even Crying Game Violet.

But Linda said it was true. Why would she say something like that?

She was probably just trying to get a reaction, Harry. You know, poking the husk with a stick, seeing if there's any juice in it.

Anyway, I'm just saying don't be angry with her, and please, don't murder her.

You what?

Well, the last time you thought your assistant had been unfaithful to you, you murdered her, so I'm saying this one wasn't, so don't murder her.

I don't believe it! You actually think I...

Is this why you've never apologised for Carol and you?

Well, why should I apologise to the murderer?

I didn't murder her, all right?

Of course you did! You cut her bloody head off!

I didn't mean to! Okay, fine. Prove it.

I can't prove it! Exactly.

And Linda to the stage.

Harry Kane and Linda to the stage, please.

All I'm saying is that this is me you're talking to, Harry, who you've known since you were 13, and do you really, really think that I could murder someone?

Me? Actually do a murder?

Or do you think maybe it's just a bit easier for you to think that I'm a murderer than to face up to all the guilt for having screwed your best friend's wife?

Now our final performance is from another of the Magic Table's favourite sons, Harry Kane, or as he now apparently revels in being known, the Black Widower.

To the Black Widower's lair.

He dwells in a world of pain and fear, with the stench of death always near.

But before you breathe your final breath, he'll taunt you with the Balls Of Death!

Is that taunting? Does that ball work constitute taunting?

And now, the final hour is here.

Who will face the Blade of Fear?


This is sick.

This is so sick it might actually make the papers.

Harry. Harry, I'm just not sure if we did enough...

Shall we check again? Did we do enough checks?

Of course I did enough checks.

I just... I'm sorry.

Linda, it's... We've got to...

It's time to... Yeah. I just...

I'm...

I'm sorry. Harry, I can't.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

What's she playing at? He only did it wrong once, love!

Well, I...

This is unexpected and... Shit.

I don't suppose anyone else would be willing to...

No. No. Naturally, of course.

Well, all remains is for me to say... Black Widower.

I'll face the Blade of Fear.

Is this some kind of horrible joke? Harry, I believe you.

Tell them to put the music back on.

And I'm sorry for the time me and Carol...

That was wrong.

So, it's the Gresham finish, using a trap, right?

So are we okay now, Harry?

Or are you still, you know, angry with me at all?

Because that would be perfectly understandable, but, you know, I did apologise.

And just so you know, what you think happened between me and Carol didn't really happen.

I mean, we did do things but just...

Well, I don't want to go into too much detail, but, you know, she demanded satisfaction.

Sorry, I've probably said too much, but, you know, the implication's clear.

She made me go down on her.

Plus, I think you should know, I resisted her for years.

I mean, she was trying it on at your wedding reception.

I was, like, "No way."

You're not taking this badly, are you?

I mean, you know, I was by no means the first.

There are a lot of people you should be angrier with than me.

I mean, they were queuing up.

I mean, everyone said she gave great head.

Look, look, I think I've made the gesture coming out here, but now, maybe, maybe you should do it with a cabbage. Yeah? Mate?

Oh, shit!

Oh, God. No.

No. No!


Come on!

Well, I don't think that anyone has ever seen a final quite like that, and I do not, in any way, mean that in a positive sense.

So, the Magic Table Special Innovation Award goes to Tony White for his flower trick!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Fucking yes!

Mike, Lenny, Jimbo, I thought you were just arseholes, but, you know what? You're not just arseholes.

Thank you.

And so, to the ultimate Shieldist.

And it is over my objections, because, seriously, was that good, or was it just a massive cock-up quite well disguised?

Yes, that's right.

It's congratulations to the Black Widower, Harry Kane!

Thank you, Mike, and I just want to dedicate this award to the man who got me into magic, Karl Allen, who dug me out of a hole tonight.

And I'd just like to say that there's someone else who should be receiving this award with me, the assistant who got me into the final in the first place, Linda.

Yes, come on up here, Linda, because you deserve to be up here, and because... Because...

The truth is, I...

I love you.

I love you, Linda Jones.

I'm so sorry for walking out on you, Harry.

Listen, Linda, I just wanted to say I don't actually love you, not yet.

It just seemed like that's what I needed to say to get you to come up here.

I mean, I like you, a lot.

I expect, in time, I'll come to call those feelings love. It's just...


I'm sensing.

Yeah, I'm sensing a spirit trying to send a message to someone in this room.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Is there anyone here who's female, under 25, and recently had a break-up?

Okay, okay, let's spread the net a bit wider.

Are there any other ladies here, sort of 25 to 30, having a tough time, on a rebound?

Yeah, you. Yes, definitely you. I've got a message for you.


Okay, Karl? I know you're playing in Blackpool tonight, and guess what? I'm in the sand, Karl.

I'm buried up to the neck in sand.

And the tide's coming in, that's right.

So are you gonna come and dig me out? 'Cause I'm not doing it myself.

Come on, Karl. Come get me.

Really hope you get this message.