Mai shen qi (1979) Script

You better start taping now therwise our superstarwill be mad Yes manager Ready, V-T-R, standby, roll

5 seconds, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, cue

" often don't have very much in my pocket"

"Caring nothing‘ I'm as free as a rocket"

”As long as I am fairly fed"

"I stay optimistic and seldom fret"

"Don't despise he who gets tired of his girls"

"For love and mirages spin off from the same whirls"

Keep your shoulders leveled Leave me alone Blow it this time and you‘ll be fired Just watch it yourself

"So help yourself to a cold beer"

"Sing your heart out in a song that cheers"

"To hell with your regret over pass affairs"

"They'll only depress you and that isn't fair"

"It is my suspicion that in this universe"

"There's a god who governs the land we traverse"

"See through life's joys and blues"

"And take it easy even though you lose"

who's that?

"So help yourself to a cold beer"

"Sing your heart out in a song that cheers"

"To hell with your regret over pass affairs"

"They'll only depress you and that isn't fair"

"It‘s my suspicion that in this universe"

"There's a god who governs the land we traverse"

"See through life's joys and blues"

"And take it easy even though you lose"

"See through life's joys and blues"

"And take it easy even though you lose"

I'm quitting Sorry, let's do it once more Stop fighting It's you again, Johnny, take his place Have a cigarette Stand by for another take

It's been a year and you haven’t used me Give me a break I need someone to play the archer‘s target Manager Who should I send?

Anyone volunteers?

Let me have a try You? Come out there

Reserve such jobs for me in the future Get change right away The archer's target, right?

Right Thanks the opportunity

You can kill someone like that You can kill someone

I'|| sure be a dead man

What'd you like to drink?

Coca Cola Brandy They‘re pretty good

One, two , three

Wonderful The 2 gentlemen at the back Will you hold up the flowers please?

Like this?

See you at 9 tomorrow What?

Tomorrow at 9 What time?

Tomorrow at 9

Hold it up, higher, thanks

My sister and I can't make ends meet lately So we‘d like to pick some pockets Will someone come up and help us?

Will...that gentleman help me?

That gentleman, come up please I won‘t

This gentleman, come up please Come on, go up

Welcome and thank you What's your name, sir?

Kwang Mr. Kwang, what time is it now?

Is this your watch?

Yes, that was fast Have you brought your wallet with you?

No, I haven't But I have $1000 tied with a rubber band See if they're still there

Relax, I've got them back for you already Rubber band Where's the money?

See if they are in the pocket No No?

This looks like your tie It is. You're really good Are you wearing white socks today?

No, | always wear black socks Are those yours?

Yes, they are Thank you, thank you You don't want your $1000 anymore Of course I do Thank you, use more rubber bands next time


Have you been waiting long?

It's almost been three hours About the money, |,..

Shih-Chieh, you just come from Singapore You know no ones here I found this nice job for you I deserve your first three months pay I know, but I have to buy a lot of props I don't care

I'll take these first If you don't pay me the rest tomorrow You better start packing up

The door's over there

You picked his pocket He'll kill you for that We have a mother to support Mail her the money today

Guess who I am You have to be you All right I had a dream last night What kind of dream? l was dancing Hustle with someone underwater That person wasn't me Why not I can't swim Stop being jealous over a dream How's it coming, inventor?

Magician What is this?

Teach me a trick and I'll tell you Watch

That's nice

It’s yours Frog, what's that?

My latest antHhief device If a thief walks past this detector The laughing bomb inside will be triggered off And he'll be laugh himself to death You can't catch thief with that

This is my brother Chin Wen He's sad because he's out of work

Go inside and fix yourself a drink I'll do that You‘ll pay for this

That's a nice device Wonderful It has a remote control

Where's the remote control Where‘s my laughing bomb?

I put it in the robber's bag How do you work this?

Is this the police? A bank's been robbed Where are the robbers?

They should be at Oxford Road What are they doing?

They‘re laughing

Let’s go take a look

What‘s going on, officer?

Evolution must have been gathering speed There are a lot we don't understand Yes, only God does May be

You’re pretty good

Mr. Kuang is here Send him in

Look, Mr, Kuang

There are last month's ratings

These are this month's

We dropped by 1 million since you come You should know what to do Here me out first There's no need for explanation What do our board of directors say?

How long you guess? 6 seconds

You lost I lost

2 seconds

Let me introduce our new manager Tell Miss Wang to come in

I made Miss Wang quit TVC to work for us Her achievements need no introduction Her white hair tells it all

Miss Wang, what can you do to our ratings?

5 million, that's splendid

What policy will you adopt?

Whoever obeys me survives

What are you doing?

Oh, 2 flies whir hit Hit right of their navels too Is this called Operation Iron first?

| wish Miss Wang every success Let me give you our ring of honour

"Before you are born you first see God"

"Who Will briefyou on.,."

Next, Mr, Yeh

"Before you are born you first see God"

"Who will brief you on proprieties"

Cut, Next, Miss Li

I know you wouldn't make it Your voice is bad and you sing like a hound Do you have a good voice?

I'm as good as Elvis Presley That‘s fate, you can't do anything about But that's not fair Equality does not exist Otherwise why was I born handsomer than you?

There's nothing you can do Chih Wen

Play the cue music longer

"Before you.,."

Cut, no good, next, Mimi

Mimi Play it again


I just finished three words Enough to tell you‘re no good That's fate, my friend Go to hell

Have you been waiting long, Guru?

Quite I'll pay you half of your commission now And the rest on pay day

Where are my pigeons?

Ling, Where are the pigeons?

Could they have flown away?

Do you know the pigeons which I bought from Java They can‘t be bought here I know but I didn't got paid yesterday I'll eat you if you don‘t pay me

Let‘s go You‘re finished in Hong Kong

They should each weight over 1 lb When shall we eat them?

On mother's birthday Come and have some congee Congee?

Give me a button

Come on, one more

I invented a Feel-surround TV set Help me to get a job in the Television Station What‘s a Feel-surround TV set?

Let me give you a demonstration See, clap once to turn it on One more to change channel

Twice to turn it off It works better than a remote control Do I look like Tom Edison?

There's one resemblance What‘s that?

You are both deaf Just don‘t make the other ear deaf

Come and have some congee We’re coming Are you on any of this week's programs?

Look at this table

4:30 tomorrow To be the archer's target again?

Don't say that one's lucky to have a part

What are you doing?

It's been cancelled

The poor kid's been on for only once What a bad luck

Hello, Chen? What's the good news?

Hold on TVC's Chen is looking for a host for a show Are you interested in an audition?

I'll talk to him Hosting a show is my specialty Have you done it before?

Of course my father worked for 7 stations He's that good?

His son can't be bad, right?

What was your father job?

He sold tissues at restrooms Splendid, tomorrow 430 then Thanks for the opportunity Chen wanted me to host one of his shows

Look It's finished I didn't tell you to clap that much Now I know why you‘re like Edison VVhy?

You both have disasters often

What's this now?

Double strength glue

Why did you put it there?

What glue is this?

Super double strength glue It has to be washed off within 5 seconds

Should I eat your congee for you?

Where's that stupid Frog?

Have you gone crazy too?

What's he doing?

He just had one gulp of your congee And he’s gone crazy

You want to eat raw Groupers?

How can on air such a show?

Shows have to be ridiculous to attract audience Our rating for this month have been low Our manager is counting on this show He may kill himself if it doesn't work But it's really to ridiculous Will you do it or not?

I guess I will

Ladies and gentlemen, it's showdown time

Our first lucky guest, Mrs, Li Me?

Watch me Congratulations Mrs. Li We hope showdown will make you a millionaire Oh, you brought your dog along?

Dolly is like a son to me I have to sleep with it every night What a pretty dog Where does your husband sleep then?

He sleeps with his oxygen tank He's some husband coming along despite his illness There are two boxes over there One is empty, the other has a $500,000 cheque You can chose one if you answer correctly

Let's see if Mrs, Li can answer correctly and got that cheque of $500,000 Who is the Governor of Hong Kong?

Some hints please Mac...

Macdonald No

Some more hints please Choose one of these answers Is it Maclehose or MacArthur?

Is it Maclehose Mrs Li is so intelligent

Now you can choose one of these two boxes

Let’s see what you get Oh, my God I want to buy your bracelet with this gift of a possible $500,000 But my bracelet was part of my dower Think carefully, you want your bracelet?

Or do you want a possible $500,000 You have to decide right away Are you going for it?

Mrs. Li is so courageous

Let's see what Mrs. Li gets?

Oh my God, it really is empty Except for a cheque of $500,000

I got $500,000 There are two more boxes over there One has a 5 million cheque inside it If you want to go for it give me back your cheque Are you going for it?

Are you going for it?

Yes Choose a box

Let me see, Oh my God Let me use this possible 5 million to trade for your dog's life We have a gas chamber over there We’ll kill the dog if you want to trade Make you decision right away

Your dog or money?

Your dog or money?

I can have another dog, Money Money? Good Let's see what's inside It really is a cheque for 5 million

Mrs. Li, please look behind you There are two more boxes One has a lease for an Arabian oil field It worth 5 million, more?

Let me see, any more?

50 million, any more

500 million, any more?

Oh my God, that's the jackpot See if you want to go for it Give me back your cheque if you do Are you going for it?

I'm going all the way Then go pick a box

Let's both not, look inside I want to trade something of yours What will that be?

Come over here please

I want to buy your husband's life If you want to own the oil field We'll cut off the oxygen supply Now make up your mind The oil field or your husband

Think it over carefully Do you want to stay poor all your life Or do you want to be a wealthy widow?

What do you think?

Husband or oil field?

Oil field or husband ?

I'd rather be a wealthy widow

Let’s see what your husband 's life is worth Oh my God It's a bottle of Arabian oyster sauce worth $5.55

I think you're a very good MC I've known that for a long time But our program director”.

Doesn't recognize talent That's right

I want to sign a contract with you

If you work for us You'll be a superstar within a month A superstar?

Have a cigar and think it over

But I have an eight year contract with MTV Can't you dissolve the contract?

I'll do that right away I'll wait for you That's right

What do you want?

I want to see the manager

Follow me

A magician from Singapore

Is this yourfirst time in Hong Kong?

Yes I can let you have a try

Sign this eight year contract

But it's a blank paper Sign your names and I'll fill in the rest I can't sign a contract like that Suit yourselves magicians are the dime a dozen I need only to run an ad in the newspaper And they will come in hundreds

What do you want?

I want to see the manager

Wait here

l have to support my mother and 2 Groupers Get in Thank you

Miss Wang What‘s it?

| signed and 8 years contract with this station It's been over a year now I haven‘t done anything yet I can't see my prospect for myself l have a mother and a brother and 2 groupers... that eat shrimps What do you think you can do?

I'm good at dancing and singing I've had the pleasure already I'm sure I can be a top host for shows Show me

This is the microphone

Ladies and Gentlemen Horrible...

You know parrots don‘t lie Why don't we dissolve the contract?

TVC's manager talked to me yesterday What's your name?


Is this your signature?

As long as your contract is in my hands Your future and freedom are in my hands too You do whatever I want you to Stop dreaming of working for other station

Hello, hold on, Miss Wang Hello

He'll be fired if he walks near TVC or even TVC's car

Can you open it?

lam sure you can open it

With your skill and combination known You have to be able to open it, right?

Open what?

The safe Whose safe?

Of course it is...

My safe It's your safe and you want me to open it?

The dial numbers are too complicated Really?

You just behave yourself I'm sorry

Can you open it?

It can be done But breaking in someone's safe Can get me several years in jail

But if you help me get my contract I can work for TVC With my talents, I'll soon be a superstar Then I can help you with your...

What's your machine called?

Feel-surround television Right, l'll promote it all over the world And the world have four inventors Albert Einstein He‘s not as young as you Isaac Newton, he‘s dead Your idol Thomas Edison He's not as handsome as you And...


That's right If you don't help me You‘ll sit here Guess what you'll become


A 'Pig brain'

But everybody in the station knows you How can you get away with it?

I'll figure it out

What's that?

Laughing bomb What do we need that for?

It can be a lifesaver at emergencies Your man's clothes are inside So you can change anytime Hurry

Over here

It's down below

A great scientist should be courageous Right, Edison

Are you sure nobody is there?

Of course, it's lunch time Go down, hurry

Every window's locked, how can we get in This building was badly built So?

Everything's broken, watch There goes another window frame

| get in first, you follow OK

Is there any more beer?


Is there any more beer?


Don‘t be scared

Grab my hand

Do not force you

l have a soft

Are you OK?

I'm thirsty VVhy?

I urinated thrice Get up first

Move the table back first

How many safes have you opened before?

Including this one?

Yes One What's the combination?

12, 8, 6,25, 34, 42

Aren't you afraid of finger-prints Should I use my toes?

That's worse VVhy?

Top prints are bigger But the police don’t have toe-prints records If that's true Every thief in town would have used his toes That's the reason why they haven't been caught OtherWise you think the police are stupid?

Stop mumbling, hurry

I got it

Get them all out first

Save other people as well That's right


The safe...the safe

Stupid parrot

Frog, are you coming out?

Frog, are you all right?

Frog, are you all right? Can you come out?

It has to be opened from outside

What's the combination?

How can I remember?

Where's that card? Where's that card?

It’s with me

What are the numbers?

I can't see, it’s dark here

Oh my God

Don't you have a lighter?

What's the combination?

What's happening?

It's out of gas Got it What are the numbers?


The next one?

Eight Go on Twenty-four

The next one?

Frog, what are you doing? l burnt the papers Hold your breathe temporarily

Don't breathe Wait, Oh, God

God What have I done to deserve this?

Does God have horns?

You can't even tell God from Devil Who are you? What are you stealing?

Nothing What's that bundle?

Toilet papers That thick a bundle?

I have hemorrhoids Let me see them Hit him...


Trying to get away?

Do you know how to drive?

Don't go away

Miss, you...

It's a pipe, the high heel shoe is over there Thanks

It's a high heel shoe There's the men's room I don‘t have to go anymore That's stranger Raymond Go over this list please

Thank you

What are you doing?

Dirty old man

Thank you My sister and l have to make ends meet lately So I want to pick some pockets Will anyone come up for some fun?

Who wants to come up?

That gentleman? Welcome, welcome Come up please Don't be shy


What's your name, sir?

Huang What time is it now?

Forgot to wear your watch?

See if it's in your pocket?

You must have left it at home I didn‘t Is this your necklace? It's woman's This watch is yours, too

It's a lady's again Unisex is the fashion these days That's why you're wearing panty hoses

You're pretty fashionable, Mr. Huang This scarf is yours, too It's green, are you using it for turban?

You still have an important item with me

Is this your beard?

Hey, you forgot something

Ladies and gentlemen, life is like magic Often what you see in your front are not true You've just seen I put my sister in the safe Actually...

There‘s a tunnel... it‘s easy

Are you trying to kill me?

You can kill a man like that What are you doing?

I got a flat tire A flat tire?

He's Frog's brother but why in a beard?

Someone must be after him But why?

How do I know?

You had a beard and now you’re dirty What are you up to?

Are you coming for these?

Aren't you good at opening safes?

You want steal something?

I want to save a man Who?

Frog Frog?

We want to steal my contract He's locked in a safe How's he now?

He may have been suffocated That's why you're being chased?

Why do you want to steal your contract?

You suffer if you're under a contract I know, I've been under contracts before Can you help me to open that safe? and get Frog out?

You almost got me fired a while ago Now you want me to go to jail?

You‘re crazy Shih-Chieh

Shih-Chieh Don't be sentimental

l have to do it myself then He doesn't know how to open safes Help him or he’ll be dead Shih-Chieh

This is what's left Frog, take it I am going now Shih-Chieh Stay out of it

Call him back I haven‘t gone yet

I'll go with you They'll grab you if you go like this What should I do?

Go in What for?

Go in first

What for?

So you won't be dancing by yourself in your dreams


You watch here

It's down below

Over here

Frog,..answer me, Frog May be he’s dead Let me

Frog, what's happened to you?

King Kong, wait Surrender your contracts And I‘ll let you and your brother go Otherwise you'll be like this parrot

Whatever you say

Go after him

Are you all right?

Sure, don't you know I have a strong skull

Sorry Are you blind or something?

What are you doing?

Do me a favour, keep quiet But what's going on

Stop beating each other

And now the Magic Saw

Is that's his student?


Tonight we are sawing a man instead of a woman

Be careful You deserve this

My student cannot appear again because he's dead Only I can do shows like that And now the Magic Saw

Let's see if he can resurrect

The student is better than the teacher

The student is better than the teacher

Let’s see who's better What time is it?

Is this your watch?

My watch isn’t accurate what time do you have?

Is this your watch?

Not bad, simple tricks though Is this your wallet?

See if anything is missing Talking about pickpocketing, I'm...

Is this identity card yours

This looks like yours too

I know, wonderful performances I'm watching Hold

Are these your shoes?

Are these your pants?

That's student is good And now words from our sponsors

Cousin will you wait for me?

Until death

What's up

What's going on?

Hue, a call for you Thanks

How is going on?

How did he get in?

I don't know, should I chase him out You can‘t, it's a live show Oh, my God

Mr. Chairman

I don't think he's that good Why do the audience like him so much?

You know why your programs are always so bad because you can't tell good from bad

Send Miss Wang in

Miss Wang

This was what your promised us And this is this month's ratings

We dropped by four million What do the board of directors say?

Miss Wang, you should know what to do

That was pretty fast

2.3 second

What time is the fight?

04:30 PM

Hurry, the newcomers will move in at two Hurry

Pardon, my intrusion

Are you all right?

Sure, I just lost two toes I come to thank you for your help And to invite you to Grouper dinner You are welcome Just make sure that if you are in trouble Don‘t come to me again You’re joking Why are you packing?

We're going back to Singapore Singapore What about us?

You‘ll have to dance... by yourself in your dream I won't have nice dream like that anymore I'm sorry I got you fired I was fired before you came along Who's that?

Mr. Chairman, this is our chairman You’re both here, that’s marvelous Can I come in?

Have a seat Make yourself at home Have a seat please Have a seat, chairman

I have to go to golf game right away You two very talented I want you to be my managers

We are not qualified for such a job Not exactly You are ideal for TV station managers I'm their agent You have to deal with me

Get this Indian out to where he belongs But I'm their agent I want you to meet the board directors

Please put on the rings of honour

You are part of their family now Who are they?

All ex-managers These two frames are reserved for you

Can we hear the new managers plans Under ourjoint leadership There will be new personal and policies We want to make big breakthrough in ratings Then we'll introduce a new invention The Feel-surround television set I'|I sure shock the world My genius brother will familiarize you with the set

This Feel-surround television set of mine is designed with the newest electronic devices Now please watch



Anyone wants to try it out?

My machine follows every move on the screen It's really fun, try it Why don't you try it You try it I've tried it before, you go All right

Have a cigarette

Why are you smelling so nice?

Your memory seems no good this is perfume you gave me Oh, yes Have a drink Sure I better not, I'm not feeling well I'll give you a massage then

Feels good Very

Please don’t clap so many times

This machine is super-sensitive My brother could invent it only because of my teaching Let me use another set for demonstration

Shall I take a shower?

Together with you though You‘re naughty Come on

Is the temperature right?

Don‘t scratch me I'm not, I’m soaping you Soaping me?

You dare seduce your sister-in-law?

Hui, stop it You unfaithful woman

Champagne? Let me see how you drink it Drink it all

Hui, don't get carried away It's none of your business Stop fighting A rotating bed? Start rotating

How are you? Are you all right?

You’ll be all right You fool Sit down first You can‘t do anything right Are you all right?

This television se will sure shock the world Will you three sign this contract please?


It's one of these blank paper deals again We can't sign a contract like that That's right Come on, sign it

Who likes roast pigeon?

How did it happen?

Pigeon waste sure stinks It's the contract that stinks

"Before you can be born you have to see God"

"Who will brief you on proprieties"

"With a contract in hand he say:"

"sit down and I'll tell you life"

"If I want you rich I'll make you rich"

"If I'm mad you'll have to sleep in coffin"

"I'm so powerful"

"Sign your contract (contract)"

"Pay your visa fees (Baptism of course)"

"Then go ahead and be born"

"You grow up and start dating"

"Suddenly you find your girl pregnant"

"Her mother screams for a marriage and says:"

"Let's settle on a dower"

"Don't you dare thinking it is free"

"I love only money so dick up your last penny"

"and arrange a big banquet"

"Sign a contract with me (contract)"

"Pay this mother-in-law off (It's not a small sum)"

"Then your son can be born"

"in Hong Kong one can hardly be free"

"There are so many laws and system"

"As well as so many bills to pay"

"No room for love between husbands and wives"

"Don't fret because hospital bills are worsens"

"You have your kids to support"

"And education is expensive"

"One contract after another (contract)"

"They are always on your back (it's a dog's life)"

"And you say, God, I don't believe this"

"One contract after another (contract)"

"They are always on your back"

"And you say, God, I don't believe this"