Make the Yuletide Gay (2009) Script

J it's chilly and it's snowing up on the south side j I'm home with a a window I can hide behind ; j I'm here all alone without you by my side. J;

> it's Christmas time. J

J like a tree with a star it's for you I pine ; j I wanna string popcorn at the end of your line j j when you get to my end you know what you're gonna find j

> it's Christmas time. J j someday everyone just might agree j j that Christmas time is not the time alone to be j j so bite your tongue it might be wrong j j it's tough to hold it back it's all alright ;

> it's Christmas time. J

J I guess my family is driving me right out of my mind ; j and you should be with me and baby, I'm telling you why j j; You're family too, and you don't even have to try ;

> it's Christmas time. J j someday everyone just might agree j j that Christmas is not the time alone to be j j so bite your tongue it might be wrong j j it's tough to hold it back it's all alright ;

> it's Christmas time. J

J silent night j j holy night > js I wish that you were here tonight j it's Christmas time j j and you are mine. J hallelujah! I am done for the semester.

Thank you Mr. gunnunderson.

You're quite welcome, professor Van devere.

Please, the semester's over.

Call me Daniel.

Ok Daniel everybody calls me gunn.

I've heard.

The big gunn.

Happy holidays, professor.

Were you in this class too?

Yes, sir!

Anyway, have a great holiday.

Hope to see more of you next semester, gunn.

Okay.

I can't believe we're like the last people on campus.

When are you heading homo for the holidays?

I've gotta get home before sunset or mom freaks.

You know, I never understood that.

What happens if you don't get home before sunset?

Do hanukkah zombies come out and get you?

Actually it's the opposite.

We turn into vampires.

So I have to stay inside for your protection.

Thanks.

Well, do not worry about me.

I'm a pig, so I'll be safe.

Safe from what?

Hanukkah vampires.

I don't even want to know.

Are you guys gonna spend break together?

Sadly, no.

My parents sent me a plane ticket.

Nathan, dear...

We have lots of work for you to do on the estate over the holidays.

That is offensive.

What about you gunn?

Well, I'm heading back to our dorm room and then I'm driving home.

As soon as I get myself packed.

Oh, well, enjoy getting packed.

Oh, we will.

Happy hanukkah, tramp.

Merry Christmas, whores.

I'll see you next year.

Alone at last.

Nathan...

I really need to hit the road.

Don't I get to hit you first?

15 minutes.

That's it.

I can work with that.

Oh. Sorry.

Hey dad!

Well that's a fine how-do-you-do!

It's your mother, dontcha know?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi mom.

Hi baby boy.

How was your big test thingy?

My philosophy final exam “thingy” was fine.

Oh, goody! On your way home?

In a few minutes.

Oh, well, hurry.

Traffic is freakin' terrible during the holidays.

I'm heading out the door as we speak.

Good!

I can use all the help I can get.

I am determined to find the best Christmas cookie recipe ever and finally show up that uppity Heather mancuso next door.

Well, ma, if anybody can do it, you can.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. gunnunderson.

It's your little roommate?

Tell him "merry Christmas” from us.

Wait!

Do his people celebrate Christmas?

Yes.

They do.

She says "happy kwanzaa” what are his plans for the holidays?

He's gonna visit his parents.

Aw, that's so nice!

Christmas is so darn important. You have to have family.

Or! Christ on a cracker!

My oatmeal yum-yums are burning.

You better scoot, young man!

Kisses!

I love you.

Nathan...

I really have to go.

It is not wise to upset Anya gunnunderson at Christmas.

I really wish we could spend the holidays together.

Me too, babe.

Okay. One last thing.

What?

Nathan!

We already exchanged gifts!

I know. I know! But I saw this in the window and had to get it.

Do you like it?

I love it!

This is by far the gayest thing I own.

Really?!

Really? But what about that thing in your nightstand drawer?

Ok It's the second gayest thing.

I love it.

Good.

Now...

Another one?

No no no. Hand it to me.

What? = just do it!

Okay.

Gunn!

For me?

You shouldn't have!

It's so pretty!

Thank you!

What? I couldn't resist buying something for myself.

J coffee in hand. J j hands on the wheel. J j time on my side. J j with the wind at my heels. J

j the yellow line j» j it leads straight away j» j and all of the signs point to a holiday &

j this time of year; j it's time to make j j make my way to you j j it's time for a break j

I have such great taste.

Hi dad.

Hello son.

How are you, sir?

Fine, fine.

So everything's on schedule for my flight home tomorrow?

Fight.

Yes about that. I was...

Is that Nathan?

Yes.

Is that mom? Yes.

Did you tell him?

Have I had the chance to tell him?

Tell me what?

Give me that phone!

Really!

Hello Nathan, it's mother.

Yeah, I got that. Tell me what?

There's been a wonderful change of plans.

Is that really necessary, darling?

More than you know. Darling.

Mother!

I'm sorry sweetie.

As I was saying, there was a wonderful change of plans.

Somehow we just forgot to tell you.

Then tell me now!

Well, you know the music society has its annual fundraiser?

You know, simply everyone is there.

And?

And the items in this year's silent auction were so wonderful that we simply had to bid on all of them.

And guess what?

You won something.

We won something!

What'd you win? = a cruise!

A cruise?!

A Christmas cruise.

How cool!

For two!

For two.

Your father and I leave tonight we'll be gone for three weeks.

Seeing all the sights of the holy land.

I'll be able to buy all sorts of trinkets.

Just the two of you.

There simply weren't any extra cabins available.

Mom, what am I supposed to do now?

Your Christmas check is under the tree, and dinner is still on order at neiman's.

Yeah that sounds like fun.

Oh, and your father and I have left a list of things for you to handle while we're away.

Wait! Wasn't this fundraiser, like, three weeks ago?

Something like that.

Merry Christmas, dear.

Merry Christmas?

What am I supposed to do now?

Baby olaf! You're home!

Oh, don't you give me any of that

"I'm 22 years old" and about to graduate from college crap.

You'll always be my baby boy.

I know.

I missed you.

Good!

Now, why dontcha come on inside, why dontcha? Come on.

Jeez, would it hurt you to wear a little color sometime?

Well...

Very restrained.

You guys didn't go all out this year?

Oh, your father thought it was getting to be a bit much.

So we're trying something small this year.

Yeah well, when I didn't see the inflatable sleigh on the roof, I knew something was going on.

Oh, that's because of the gosh-darn insurance premiums. Oh.

Sven!

Get your keister in here! Olaf's home!

Olaf, is that you?

Yeah, it's me, dad.

Come here once, why dontcha?

I'd say it's good to see you, but I can't see anything without my glasses.

They're up top of your head, dad.

Oh! Oh jeez.

Cripes!

You look older every time I see you.

Well, technically I am older every time you see me.

True! True!

But on a purely biological level.

Well, and on an emotional and/or spiritual level, as well.

Of course, a person changes all the time. Like a... like a...

Well. I do enjoy these chats, dad.

Oh yes! Right!

Now where'd I put my glasses?

Are you sure I can't get you anything else?

Mom, I'm full.

You definitely cannot get brats like this in the cafeteria.

I don't know why you don't move out of the dorm already.

Get yourself a nice little apartment somewhere.

Big enough for you and a...

Someone special.

You're never gonna meet a nice girl living in an all-male dorm.

You're gonna end up like old Clay handelman down the road.

Never married and having to keep a roommate like that nice hairdresser that lives with him.

He does such a great job with the highlights.

I like living in the dorms.

Oh, for crying outside, leave the boy be, Anya.

He'll come out of his shell when he's good and ready.

And then...

The girls will come running like salmon.

I'm pretty sure salmon swim, dad.

Exactly!

Besides, the dorms are good for male bonding.

Oh yeah! Absolutely!

Lots of bonding.

Tons of... bonding.

Day and night, you know, sometimes two or three times a night.

I told you this a hundred times, momma.

It's like when I'm with the Dean and the other professors.

I tell you what. I've made more connections in the locker room sauna than at all my academic conferences put together.

There once was with...

I'm fine.

Wait a minute. What was I doing?

I was with old what's-his-name. I was...

Oh!

There were so many pretty girls on campus that time we visited.

Oh! I so liked that real feisty one with the real short hairdo.

What is she doing now?

I'm pretty sure she's running a bed and breakfast in palm Springs with her..

Her...

Good friend.

Ellen.

Oh, isn't that super.

Huh.

Listen...

There's something I want to tell you.

It's about...

Me...

And um, and college.

It's about me at college.

You see...

Oh! Who the dickens could that be?

Didn't you invite Abby?

Oh hush sven!

Olaf, get the door like a good guy.

Hey! = hi olaf.

Abby!

What are you doing here?

Well, your mom said you'd be home tonight, and I thought...

I'll bet he'd like to eat a nice warm muffin.

You always did like my muffins, didn't you?

You know, I can honestly tell you I haven't had another one since we went out in high school.

Oh sven, look who it is!

Abby mancuso, from next door.

What a co-in-ka-dink!

But you said 8 o'clock!

Oh nevermind that. Come on in.

Sit down for Pete's sake.

Why does this crossword puzzle have only nine letter words?

That's sudoku, dear.

Sudoku?

Yeah.

Su - do - ku.

Should know what that means?

So I'm pretty sure I totally aced my philosophy final exam.

All we had to do was fill out this entire blue book answering one question.

What was the question?

"Why?"

Just curious.

That was the question.

"Why?"

I don't get it.

The answer should be: "Why not?"

How did you answer the question?

Well, my argument was that in America's inherently meaningless political environment, which when combined with the advent of reality TV which has forced the masses to look outward rather than inward, "why" is the only possible question worth asking, especially if we ever hope to further humankind's ideological growth, or prevent the stagnation that is currently bogged down not only the arts and culture of our country, but also the charitable outreach, for those who are less fortunate, especially those who come from less developed countries, for whom which the question of "why" will never be important, because their entire lives almost exclusively focus on the question of "how?".

Oh.

Well, I do love my American idol though.

And there you have it.

I've got a question for you, Mr. fancypants.

Why don't you offer Abby a little more cocoa?

More cocoa would be lovely, thank you.

I need a nine letter word ending in 4.

So then I had to hear all about her beauty school classes.

Apparently the elegant up-doo is the hardest look to master.

Well duh!

Remember Nicole Kidman at last year's oscars?

That was tragic.

For real, right?

So... you excited about seeing your parents tomorrow?

Strangely, I'd rather be seeing your parents tomorrow.

I'm sure they'd love that but we both know that's not gonna happen.

Your stupid parents would not allow it.

Hey! They're still my parents!

So?

They deserve to be called stupid for the way they treat you.

You have no idea.

So where are you?

Just on my way to the restroom.

Talk to you tomorrow?

Definitely.


Morning, sweetie.

Have you seen my glasses?

Oh honey, I see everything of ya!

Sorry, mama.

The small olaf's home, you can't go running around with your all together out like that.

I thought you liked it when I did that.

Watch yourself, Mr. gunnunderson.

I'd rather watch you, Mrs. gunnunderson.

Sit down and eat your ableskiver.

Good morning.

Now that's how a grown man dresses for breakfast.

How late did Abby stay last night?

Too late.

Why did you guys invite her over?

I thought you'd enjoy chatting with an old friend like that.

She's so sweet.

Plus, you were practically engaged.

We were not!

We dated!

Four years ago!

Four years!

In high school!

We're totally different people now!

I mean... she is a beautician, and and I am...

You're what?

I am...

Not a beautician.

You're telling me, with that hair of yours.

Have Abby give you a cut and a blow, you'll be happier for it.

I do not need Abby to blow me to be happy.

Oh my god, these are good!

I could eat a million of them.

Wait a second.

Dad!

Seriously? It's not even nine o'clock yet!

If the dead taught me anything, it's that it's always 4:20 somewhere.

Jeepers! Sven! It's Christmas!

Which is why I brought the good stuff.

Want some? = sven!

Oh, momma, please. The boy's over twenty-one now.

I got some new plants in the basement.

I'm good. Really.

Mr... Gunnunderson??

Yes?

Hi.

I mean... hi!

I'm Nathan.

Nathan Stanford.

I'm you son's he's my roommate!

Hey! It's my roommate.

Wow.

Who is supposed to be across the country with his parents right now.

Well, change of plans, and I thought: "Hey! I'd surprise you!"

Surprised?

What are you wearing?!

Whoa! Hey buddy.

Dude, it's good to see you.

What a surprise!

Dad, do you mind uh...

You know, closing it up a little?

Sorry!

That's so... just not right.

Wow.

Now I see the family resemblance.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Dude... your dad is hot!

Ok, why...

My dad?

Really?

Ohhh yeah!

What are you doing here?

I told you.

Change of plans.

Apparently...

Mommy and daddy had...

Better things to do than spend Christmas with their only son, so...

Sorry, babe.

Yeah, whatever.

Okay, seriously, what are... What are those here? What is that?

I mean, are those pleats or...?

Oh, come on. My mom bought me these pants.

Okay, let's pretend that she's Stacey, and I'm Clinton, naturally, and this here, this is “what not to wear.” What?

What?

Why aren't you happy to see me?

I am!

It's just...

It's just what?

What're you two boys talking about?

Nothing.

Well, then let's get your friend settled before your balls get cold.

Pancake balls.

Hi. = hi.

I'm Nathan.

It's so nice to meet olaf's friends.

Why, his girlfriend, Abby, was just here last night. Do you know her?

Girlfriend?!

She's not my girlfriend.

She was once. Maybe again someday.

My god!

You're not out...

O0f pancake balls, are you, mom?

Of course not, sweetheart.

I'll find you a picture of olaf's junior prom with Abby.

So adorable.

Ok Now, let me show you where you can sleep tonight.

Ok

¢/

Gunn.

I love your hair, supercuts?

Yeah.

Nathan, dear, I hope you don't mind being on bottom.

Excuse me?

The bunk beds. = oh.

I remember when sven and I got these beds for little olaf.

He scampered right up that ladder, jumped up and down screaming, "I wanna be on top! I wanna be on top!"

It was so cute!

So you don't mind, do you?

Actually, Mrs. gunnunderson, in our dorm room, you know I much rather be on top.

In the bunk beds, that is.

Oh! He must have gotten the jump on you when he first moved in, eh?

Yes.

Yes. Yes he did.

But you know what?

It's Christmas.

So for you, Mrs. gunnunderson, I'll let your son be on top.

You are precious.

All righty, then. You boys get settled in. And you... you call me Anya.

Anya.

Thank you.

Too cute!

Ok. Ok.

Am I missing something here?

What is up with the straight boy routine?

How are you, mister big-queer-man on campus, not out to your parents?

I don't know! It was just...

The timing was never right, and...

Look, I was gonna tell them yesterday, but, but then Abby showed up.

And they haven't figured it out?

I mean, they have met you, right?

Look, I can straighten up when I need to, okay.

Yeah, but why do you need to? Your parents seem, like, totally cool.

Yeah, that's what a lot of people think before they actually come out.

You know Josh, right?

Josh who?

Geology class Josh or student council Josh?

Student council Josh.

Hmm, no, I don't know him.

Ok. Anyway, his parents, they're in the entertainment industry, right?

They work with gays all the time.

He thought if anybody would be supportive and understanding, they would.

And they weren't? They cut him off completely.

No explanation.

Lucky for him he had a point foundation scholarship.

Otherwise, he would have had to drop out.

It sucks!

Yes.

I think I should be glad mine still talk to me.

Barely, but still...

Working on the lgbt student council, I have met kids whose red state religious parents welcome them with open arms.

And kids whose liberal parents cut them off completely.

They stopped speaking to them.

Or worse.

Much worse.

Cher!

I'm sharing.

No!

Diva Cher.

She did not know what to do when chastity came out and come on, she's Cher!

Exactly.

I just... I couldn't take it...

I just couldn't take it if they stopped loving me.

Babe no.

Look, I honestly don't think that's gonna happen.

But if it helps, I love you.

Even if you're a big ol' homo.

Really?

Yeah...

It helps.

And...?

And...

Thanks?

And...?

What else do you say when I say I love you?

What?

I said, "thank you.” shouldn't that be enough?

You are gonna get it tonight.

Oh, no, no, no.

Apparently you're going to get it.

Eh, promises, promises. = come here.

Oh, babe. Stop!

Let me go!

Oh for crying in the sink!

Stop your roughhousing right now.

You're going to get grass stains on those shirts and I'm plum out of shout yes, ma'am.

Now get your butts back inside and have some breakfast.

Wrestling at their age.

What a couple of goofballs.

You see what I mean?

Totally oblivious. Yep.

Wait!

Why did I come in here?

I have to say, you both seem way too young to have a son gunn's age.

We were high school sweethearts, doncha know?

Really?

May the packers never win another super bowl if I'm lying.

That's football, right?

You're a stitch!

Yeah...

High school sweethearts we were.

Even though he moved to town from over in Minnesota.

Oh. So then where are you from?

Well, Wisconsin, doncha know?

What's the difference?

Whoa! Uh oh...

I'll pretend you didn't say that.

So we got married right after graduation, and went off to college together and had little olaf right away.

So wait...

You married in the summer...

But your birthday is not until December, is that nine months apart?

My water broke right darn in the middle of my geology final.

But you stayed and finished the test.

Got an a, too.

I had my little boy right in the campus infirmary.

No thanks to you!

Give me a break!

I just finished my own finals.

I was a little...

Incapacitated that day.

Incapacitated my foot!

High as a kite is more like it.

Yeah! He comes into the room, wanting to name the boy Jerry Garcia gunnunderson.

I mean, how silly is that?

Yeah... well...

Olaf is so much better.

Yeah, I know!

But when your father didn't get his way...

Now, momma...!

He takes all his clothes off and starts meditating in the middle of the room.

My clothes told me that I needed to talk to god.

What else could I do?

Well... what did god say?

He told me the secret of life.

Which I then whispered into little olaf's ear for him to know.

What was it?

Hey, I was a baby. How am I supposed to know?

Don't look at me, I was high as a kite.

Who are all these for, anyway?

Well, we needed something for under this tree. It's so darn bare.

So all of these are just for decoration?

Ayep.

Yeah, I'm not getting paid enough for this.

Your dad is a trip.

Yeah, I think a flashback is more like it.

Alone at last.

I think it might be time for bed.

Are you sure?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure.

Do you have to sleep in your childhood pajamas while you're home?

Well, um, only if you want me to.

You know, you could be the hot, naughty boarding school boy.

Okay and then you could be the uh...

What? The stern headmaster...

Coming to punish me?

Whoa!

Bad boy!

Oh yeah.

Very... bad boy.

Okay! Okay!

Here, get it.

I think...

Somebody needs a spanking.

Oh, don't mind me.

I finished your laundry...

Just in time by the look of it!

Mom, I haven't even been home for 24 hours yet.

How did you have time to do my laundry?

Oh, mother has her ways.

Oh! Are those the cutest things ever!

Thanks... oh!

So colorful!

Yes.

And those... are those little monkeys?

Monkeys, yep, they're hungry little monkeys.

Oh! So cute!

So cute!

Ar!

Alright!

You boys get some sleep.

Nighty-night.

Well ..

Guess that kind of, uh...

Ruined the mood, huh?

Oh yeah.

Big time.

Yeah...

Well...

Good night.

Yeah... 'Night.

Grades good this semester?

Very.

That's good.

Got that obligatory parenting question out of the way.

All right, come on. Let's go.

So, how are your students this year?

Stupid as all get out.

I weep for the future.

Except for you, of course.

Of course.

So, Nathan's pretty smart too, you know?

Guess you rubbed off on him pretty good.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just a klutz today.

So?

What do you think about Nathan?

Oh, I guess he seems nice enough.

For that type.

What type?

Oh, you know...

That type.

That overprivileged east coast type.

Oh. That type!

So you don't like him, then?

Who?

Nathan!

Oh!

Well...

If you like him, I like him.

Well, I do.

You know, like him. That's... I wanted to tell you guys about that.

Well... that's good.

I hated my first roommate.

Did I ever told you about him?

Many times.

He used to borrow my stuff without asking me.

Even my underwear.

Gross.

Yeah.

That's when I stopped wearing them altogether.

'Morning.

Oh, Nathan, dear!

You're just in time.

I'm getting my beaver ready for Christmas.

Excuse me?!?

Ohhh! That. That. Yes.

What a magnificent beaver, Mrs. gunnunderson.

Yeah, well, sven loves it, doncha know?

Didn't want to go running with the boys?

I'm not so much with exercise.

That's fine at your age, but...

The older you get, the harder it is to stay thin.

Sven doesn't seem to have any trouble.

Oh, good golly, he's got to work at it, dontcha know.

He gets the munchies.

Now you don't, you don't mind him getting you know, the munchies?

Of course I do! It's a nasty habit!

He can't remember a gosh darn thing these days.

He even fell asleep in the middle of class one day.

Yeah!

Right in the middle of a lecture, for Pete's sake.

Can you top that?

Oh, I'd like to.

You know what they say, "hate the sin, love the sinner.” They do say that.

Yeah.

I'll get him to change one of these days.

Feminine powers are strong that way.

You'll find out soon enough.

What do you mean?

When you get married, silly.

You'll find yourself doing things for your true love that, that you wouldn't think possible.

I can imagine.

Didn't olaf tell me you were seeing someone at that college of yours?

Um...

Actually...

Yes.

I am seeing someone right now.

I knew it!

I could see in your eyes.

What is she like?

Well...

The person that I'm seeing is...

Beautiful inside and out.

And is caring. And is...

Really someone special.

Why can't olaf find someone like that?

Maybe...

He has, and he just hasn't told you yet.

Ha! Olaf tells me everything.

We have no secrets.

But have you ever asked him, you know, about his love life?

Maybe there is something he wants to tell you.

Oh don't be silly.

I know all I need to know.

And I'm certainly not the prying kind.

Now...

Where do your people come from, and what does your father do for a living?

After lunch we need get something for the wyznowskis.

They run the local nursery.

I could never do that.

You know, like all those kids running around and...

It's a plant nursery, silly.

Sven gets all his supplies there.

Yup, my dad swears by their shit.

Language!

I meant their fertilizer.

So wait, you don't want any kids?

Why? Do you?

Maybe.

Really? I don't know!

I guess they're not so bad.

Yoo hoo, Anya!

Oh cripes!

Hello Anya.

Heather, dear.

I'm surprised to see you on your feet this time of day.

Oh, just dropping off a package the stupid mailman delivered to my place by mistake.

It is amazing how often he delivers his package at your house.

I can't help it if I always need a little something new to fill the hole my dear husband left when he died.

Still milking that after five years, eh?

Abby, hurry up!

Anya clearly needs to get her hands on her box.

Hello, Mrs. gunnunderson. = hi dear.

This is for you. It's so good to see you.

Hi again olaf. Hey, Abby.

Anything else mom?

If you kids don't mind, I need to see a man about a cheese log.

Hi, I'm Abby.

Hi hi, um, I'm Nathan.

Nathan Stanford. How's it going? What's up? Yo.

Oh my god!

You two are totally gay.

Bitch!

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I haven't told anybody here.

Yeah, I got that.

Did you just call me 'bitch'?

Ok, and if you're gay, what is going on with your clothes?

I know!

He thinks they're gonna keep him in the closet.

No!

They should stay in the closet.

Right.

How did you tell?

Well, duhhhh!

Look at you two together.

And... you... don't mind?

I only mind that I've been wasting my time trying to get your hot bod in the sack.

What just happened to miss prim and proper?

Screw that, that's mostly for your mom.

And plus, I thought that you liked that.

Oh, no. Prim and proper, definitely not his thing.

I can tell, you nasty little boy.

You're not gonna tell my parents. Right?

Girl, please!

Hey! You guys wanna come over for a vodka-fest later?

I'm dying to get my drunk on.

Yes! Count me in.

Absolutely.

You know what?

I think I like you better this way.

Who knows, maybe I could switch back for you.

Honey, you weren't that good in the first place.

I love you!

See? She's got spunk.

Yes!

Yes, just...

Not the kind I like.

Pineapple juice. Trust me.

What are you chatting about?

Oh, I was just trying to get gunn to join me at church this weekend.

Good luck with that, dontcha know.

Thanks yes, I need time.

By the way, tell your dad he was a little light on the last delivery but I'll let it slide.

I do miss this place.

I would too.

Did you ever have bunk beds when you were a kid?

No.

My parents would never allow that.

Didn't you ever have sleepovers when you were younger?

No. They didn't allow that either.

Why not?

I think they saw the signs early.

Were afraid that if I had a friend sleepover I might turn out gay.

It's a good thing that didn't happen.

Yeah, totally.

You know what I realized?

You never told me how you came out to your parents.

I don't think you want to follow my footsteps.

It was that bad?

Bad?

"Bad" isn't even the word.

Go on.

Okay.

In my senior year of high school, my parents went out of town for business or something, to like Morocco, I don't even remember.

Wait, this is an important detail?

No. Not really.

Ok. Then it goes ahead.

Ok.

Short version it is:

They come home early and my dad catches me in bed with Tony sambuco.

Seriously?

What were you doing?

Nothing!

Fortunately we were asleep.

Ok. So that could be totally innocent.

Two...

Two buds, falling asleep together.

After studying all night.

Naked.

Right. Ok, so not so innocent.

No. Definitely not.

And you know how I like to fall asleep with my hand?

Yeah.

And that's what my dad saw when he walked in.

So you never actually told them?

No.

I think my dad's the exact words were:

"Please don't ever do that in my house, ever again.” And we haven't mentioned it since.

But their attitude toward me changed right away.

Were you guys serious?

You and this...

Tony?

I guess he was my high school crush.

But... we... lost touch after graduation.

Do you miss him?

Not when I'm with you.

Good answer.

I miss...

One thing from that time.

What?

I miss how my mom treated me before she found out.

What's so funny?

Only the best part of Christmas.

You can watch this thing on the computer, you know?

Yes!

That's pretty cool!

The kid with the blanket just got all self-righteous about the meaning of Christmas.

And made the other kids feel like crap.

He's totally harshing their buzz, man.

Yes.

This is your favorite part of Christmas?

Look the bald kid is pouting. I love it!

Ok. Mom wants you to get ready for the mancuso's party, alright?

I am ready.

Take that, you stupid materialistic beagle!

Okay, dad.

Enjoy.


You know how much food she's making why'd you still have to make cookies?

And let Heather mancuso think I'm a bad guest?

Not on your life.

Man, should I have like, brushed up on box scores or learned the names of a couple quarterbacks or something?

You are really worried about looking straight tonight.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Whatever.

Just be yourself, ok? = ok.

And I get the irony.

Heather! So good to see you again.

Nice to see you, Anya.

Oh my, aren't we festive!

Sweaters hide all manner of sin, don't they?

Aren't you sweet?

Here! I made this batch of cookies just for you!

Nice and thick, just the way you like them.

Speaking of which, where is that handyman that's been working on your house all day?

Oh! You mean Diego?

He has been such a help around here.

I can't imagine what he offers you.

Tasty weiner?

Thank you, Diego.

It's my pleasure.

You've never had sven's bratwurst, have you?

I mean...

Really.

What's the point?

Olaf! So good to see you.

It's really great to see you too, Mrs. mancuso.

Abby's around here somewhere.

And there are some young in the back.

Have fun.

Want to go find the other young people?

I bet they're all playing spin the bottle somewhere.

My favorite sport.

Yeah, like you ever kissed a girl.

Yeah. Frida bellucci. Fifth grade.

Really? Yes.

How was it?

Well, you know.

Made me gay.

Really?

I should send her thank you card.

Do it.

You know what I always wondered?

There are actual eggs in eggnog?

No one knows for sure.

What is "nog", anyway?

Yes, what is "nog"?

I don't know.

It is delicious, though. No, it is not.

You must be friends of Dorothy.

Excuse me?

Fred's daughter? Dorothy?

You go to school with her?

I'm afraid not.

Ti am olaf gunnunderson.

Sven and Anya"s son.

That means nothing to me.

What a weird man.

Who was that?

No idea.

And who is Fred?

Not a clue.

Shall we go find some of Dorothy's other friends?

In this crowd?

Good luck!

J; Good king wenceslas looked out on the feast of Steven... j he's really good!

He has a great voice.

Yes.

My friends loved having him read us bedtime stories when I was a kid.

I could totally see that.

I think that's one of the reasons why he's such a good professor.

Students love listening to his voice.

It's really soothing.

Except for that.

Hey, why didn't you ever go to the college where he teaches?

I mean, it would have been cheaper, right?

Yes.

I just...

The gay thing?

No.

Not the gay thing.

I didn't want to be known as professor gunnunderson's kid. You know?

I wasn't sure if the other professors would treat me differently, or if everyone just would assume I got in because of him.

Makes sense.

Makes sense. You wanted to stand on your own, be your own man.

Yes. Exactly!

And of course there was the gay thing.

I thought so.

J deck the halls with bows of Holly, falalalala. J what up, bitches?

I see you boys got dragged to this horrible shindig.

Lovely seeing you again, Abby. = you too. Air kisses.

I never told you this before, but...

Your dad is hot!

I know!

I do not need to hear this.

Too late, h-o-t, hot!

Is olaf that hot?

I think so.

Guys, please.

Oh, so he's embarassed now.

I have a question for you.

What does he have that I don't?

I mean...

Why would you move on from this to this.

No offense. None taken.

So what does he have, that you don't?

Yes.

Besides the obvious, yes.

He Has the truest heart I've ever seen.

That's nice.

He's seen your heart, that's kinda gross.

You know what I mean.

He's smart.

And he's funny.

And it makes me feel better about mysel when he's around.

I do.

It is the most nauseating thing I've ever heard.

I agree.

Okay, well...

I'm off to find a straight single man who has drunk too much.

Wish me luck?

Good luck!

Go get 'em.

Thank you.

She does have a nice ass though.

A great ass.

J o holy night j j the stars are brightly shining j j it is the night of our dear savior's birth j

j long lay the world in sin and error pining j j 'til he appeared and the soul felt its worth j j a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoiceth, j

so you have fun tonight?

Yes.

Thanks to you.

Ohhh!

This woman has some powerful lungs on her!

Oh! No!

What?

I think I know what that sound is.

Mr. gunnunderson!

Lost a toy down there?


Hey there hot stuff, where's the boy toy?

Hey!

Off visiting family friends.

Actually, I was trying to get ahold of my parents.

Olaf told me about them ditching you.

True, but if they hadn't I would've never met you.

Mr. Stanford, you say the sweetest things!

Too bad it's completely wasted on me.

Why all the best ones are gay?

It's all part of god's plan.

Figures.

Abby, you've known gunn longer than me.

What...

Why do you think he's not out to his parents?

Maybe he told his dad, but he forgot.

Sometimes happens.

I don't know. The truth is...

We all want to be what our parents want us to be.

And...

We all keep things from them.

Big things, little things.

You do not believe in secrets that I hide from my mom.

Like what?

Let's just say that I can't run for office in Mexico.

Good to know.

But seriously, I mean...

Have you told your parents everything?

I mean everything.

No way.

Nobody our age does.

And obviously, neither does olaf.

But what if he never does?

He willl and besides, when you two graduate and move in together, they'll probably suspect something.

See? Maybe not!

People have roommates all the time.

In a one bedroom apartment in the middle of boys town, usa with a drag-queen landlord, named miss Monique?

You have put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

A little.

Be patient.

I'll try.

We always had such a great time.

I was painting sets, and olaf was mastering the english accent.

My english accent was amazing, it was!

People thought I was a transfer student from London, they did.

Guv'na.

Was that Russian?

He looked so natty in the tweed and that english hat.

And she cried on opening night, and closing night.

And every night in between.

What? I was just so proud of my little boy.

Don't they look cute together?

Yes!

Adorable!

Oh my gosh!

Excuse me...

For a minute, I'll be right back of course, dear.

It must be so hard for him being away from family at Christmas.

I don't think he minds as much as you think.

For what he told me...

They are not exactly the closest family.

You know?

I should write them a letter and give them a piece of my mind.

Leavng a poor child like that.

Home alone!

Yes. But he is not alone.

Not this year.

Merry Christmas, father.

Yes, merry Christmas.

I see that you tried to call earlier.

We were in a tomb.

How is the holy land?

Dusty.

I trust you're being a good house guest at your friend's home.

Yes, sir.

Don't overstay your welcome.

Remember, you are a guest!

Not part of their family.

No, sir, I will not forget it.

Remind him there's a list of chores at home that he needs to handle.

You hear your mother?

Yes! Yes! Chores! I got it!

I found some authentic frankincense and myrrh at this little market in Jerusalem, so cheap.

Would that family like some?

I can send it over in this display case they sell to tourists.

I found a much nicer one for our home.

What? No. No!

That won't be necessary.

So Nathan, when will you be returning to the estate?

We need you to be a man and handle things for us while we're gone.

Don't worry.

Don't worry. I take care of everything. Okay?

What do you mean you're leaving?

I'm going home. I have some things I need to take care of.

There is nobody there!

You want to spend Christmas alone?

Yeah, well, sometimes I feel all alone right here.

What?

Gunn...

Your parents think I'm just some kid you know from college.

I am no different from Abby, except they think they have a future with her, so...

That's not fair.

Maybe not, but it's how I feel.

God! We have more privacy in a dorm filled with 300 guys!

Even though...

What?

Even if we were with my parents, god forbid!

They would know who you are.

And how much you mean to me.

Yeah! And they wouldn't like it!

No! But they would know!

Which is more than you can say about your parents. God!

Gunn! You may enjoy going back in the closet, but I don't!

I told you my reasons! Okay?

This is not easy for me! Are you 22 years old!

221 you're graduating college this year. You're not going to be able to use

"homework" as an excuse for why you're not dating.

I know.

How clear do I need to make this for you?

Your parents...

Love you!

Okay?

They're not going to throw you out just cause you're gay!

That's gotta be really easy for you to say.

You never cared about what your parents think of you.

You got your trust fund.

Which means you never have to worry about money.

Must really be nice.


There are things more important in life than money, gunn.

I'd rather have my parents' love than their money any day.

And I can't even believe you don't know tht about me!

Sorry.

Please don't go!

I have to.

Maybe

I may be alone at Christmas but it's where I belong. I have to go.

No.

You belong here!

With me!

No!

I'll tell them.

What?

Before Christmas.

I'll tell them who you are.

Who I am.

No.

You can't do this for me, you have to do it for yourself.

I will. Alright?

Just, please... please!

Don't go!

I have to.


Why have you been so grumpy all day?

No reason.

It's almost Christmas.

Santa won't bring you any presents if you keep that frown on.

Mom I'm a little too old to believe in Santa claus.

For heaven's sake!

You are never too old to believe in Santa.

He may surprise you, by sliding down your chimney and leaving you a nice present when you need it most.

My chimney could definitely use a present right about now.

I know kids your age who would rather hang out with their friends than their silly old parents.

Mom.

You're not old.

You are a little silly though.

Guilty as charged.

I love spending time here with you and dad.

I mean...

I couldn't even imagine not being able to spend Christmas with you guys.

You say that now, but...

Eventually you're gonna want to be on your own.

With your own family.

I do not know, I mean...

I may never have a family like this.

Oh, gobbledygook.

You just need time to meet people.

I know Abby thinks the world of you.

Mom!

I'm not interested in Abby!

Fine!

But when you finish college and get out into the real world, it's gonna get harder to meet the perfect girl.

Remember, when I was your age.

I already had your father and you in my life.

You ever wish you waited to have kids?

I can not imagine my life without you and sven.

I have no regrets.

You ever think about having more?

You know, while you are still young.

And ruin my girlish figure?

Heavens! No!

Besides, if you want a little brother, you've got Nathan.

The way you two act it's like you both came out of me.

No! He is not my brother!

He is not my brother.

Not my brother.

Alright.

Feel better?

Absolutely.

My boy!

But...

But what?

There's something I think we should talk about.

Is it more important than Christmas Eve?

Because I have a thousand things for you to do today.

Yes.

Yeah. It can wait.

Abby!

Heather.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Gunnunderson.

I was hoping to say merry Christmas to olaf.

Oh how sweet. He's right inside.

Here!

It's my home-made smoked herring.

How sweet.

I have not had a chance to finish what you gave us last year, but...

It'll freeze up nicely.

By the way, I tried the cookies you brought to the party.

Interesting texture.

What was that? Rosemary in the dough?

Yes... Rosemary... yes... sure.

How have you been?

Pretty lousy.

Anything I can do?

Is a Christmas miracle too much to ask for?

It is worth trying.

Abby!

She does take after you!

Nothing?

Nada.

So much for Christmas miracles.

Let's go mother, we have some partying to do!

I knew your son was a bad influence on her!

Don't be such a Nelly!

So long!

And thanks for all the fish.


Nathan?

Mr. gunnunderson.

Hi.

I thought you'd be back home by now.

Okay, okay...

Have you ever seen a movie where people are flying somewhere on Christmas Eve and the plane is totally empty?

You mean...

Like the one with the snakes?

Exactly.

Snakes freak me out man.

All squirmy and slimy.

Anyway,

it's not like that in real life.

Every flight home was booked, so the earliest I could get out was tomorrow afternoon.

And what are you doing sitting here?

You guys don't need an outsider around for the holidays.

Christmas is about family.

True.

But if you can't be with your family you can be with ours.

Seriously?

The more the merrier.

A merrier Christmas.

Thanks but I doubt gunn even wants me around.

You know, with Abby there and everything.

Oh, I don't think she's really olaf's type anymore.

Really?

You can't tell but I think Abby is a little wild.

A wild thing.

I kind of suspected as much.

And olaf...

The olaf needs a nice girl.

Right.

A nice girl.

He's so focused on school right now he can't see what he really needs.

He's disciplined.

Like his mother.

She really loves to be...

Disciplined.

Back to the house?

Yes.

I'd like that.

Good.

Then you can drive.

I have no idea where my car is.

Papa, is that you?

Yes, mom!

Well get in here and cheer up the boy.

He's gloomier than a blackout during a Wisconsin winter and that's darn gloomy that's why we moved to sunnier climates, dontcha know?

Look what I found.

What?

Nathan!

I, uh, couldn't get a flight out.

I hope you do not mind.

Never!

Precious.

Cookie?

Yes.

Olaf's the decapitator.

He always goes right for the head.

Not gonna touch that one.

I'm glad you're back.

Me too.

So where you ended up staying last night?

A hotel.

Near the airport.

Gross.

Real.

Sorry.

No!

No. I'm sorry.

Look...

When you showed up here, I had no idea how we were gonna get through Christmas.

But...

After you left...

Well what?

After you left...

I realized how much I loved you.

Past tense? = no!

No. Present tense!

Future. Whatever!

And I'm gonna tell them.

Like I said, don't.

Don't do it for me, do it for yourself.

Look, anything that I do for myself, I do for you.

What does that mean?

I have absolutely no idea.

It just kind of popped out.

You boys come on. There's warm strudel waiting for you!

We're coming.

I wish!

Daddy! Mommy.

Baby boy.

Well, before we start Anya.

I know you had your pretty little eyes on it for months.

It isn't?

Merry Christmas, mom.

Oh sven!

It's perfect!

Go packers!


Now what... Oh crap!

No!

You didn't have to get me anything.

Oh pish posh!

I couldn't not let you have something to open on Christmas morning.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Dump it out already.

It's silly, but... Now you have something sweet.

Yes, this will probably last him until about midterms.

He has a major oral fixation.

Me too! Whaddya know!

We didn't know what you wanted.

But we hope you like it.

No, this is...

This is perfect.

It's exactly what I wanted.

That was an amazing dinner, Anya.

Yes.

You did a good job, mom.

It was nothing.

Just weeks of planning, and four hours of hard work this morning and too many darn people in this house to talk to I am losing my voice.

But it was all worth it.

As my mother taught me if you put enough meat in a man's mouth he's happy, am I right?

Right! That's always been my experience.

Why don't you go see Abby after dinner?

I don't want to see Abby after dinner.

She has some lovely friends.

I bet she could find a nice date for Nathan here.

Are you staying for new year's Eve, dear?

I don't want her to find a date for Nathan!

Gunn, calm down.

No! No! I need to be angry.

Need to get my adrenaline going if I'm going to be able to do this.

It's because she didn't go to college?

No!

Mom!

She's not sweet.

Not in that way.

Actually, she's pretty fabulous.

Then what's the problem, dear?

It's not a problem, it's...

I'm gay!

Nathan isn't my roommate.

It's my boyfriend.

He's my lover.

He's my everything.

I love you.

Did you guys hear what I said?

I'm gay.

I'm gay too if that wasn't clear. It was clear. Ok.


I told you so!

You owe me 100 bucks, kid. I'll take it out of your inheritance.

What are they talking about?

He lost the bet! And I won!

When...

When did you guys make this bet?

Oh cripes, when was it, sven?

I think it was in your sophomore year.

I don't know, my memory's not so good these days.

It was around that time.

They talked about this two years ago?!

Oh lord, no! Sophomore year in high school.

Okay. How?

Well, there was the swimming team, and the drama club.

And dating that poor Abby girl.

If you ask me, she likes her muffins a little too much.

Mom!

Oh sweetie! It's okay!

Really, it's okay.

By telling us, you've proven what kind of man you are.

An honest one.

We love you no matter what, son.

Don't you know that by now?

I guess I should've.

I love you!

We love you!

Always have.

Always will.

And if we didn't we'd have to return all those presents and I didn't keep the receipts.

Now as for you...

The top bunk? Really?!

Oh mom, stop!

A mother needs to know these things.

No! No! No she doesn't.

It is too early to start nagging about grandkids?

Yes! Yes!

Brett favre gunnunderson has a nice ring to it.

Let the boys be, Anya.

Oh fine!

I just remembered what I said to you in the hospital after you were born.

What? What did you say?

I said:

All you need is love.

Oh cripes. Is that it? That's what was playing on the radio in the room.

Still applies.

Yes.

It does.

Now...

While we finish eating, why don't you go put on your real clothes and doing something with that hair?

Ya look like a mormon, for crying in the sink.

Mom and dad, it's Nathan, look...

I'm calling...

I'm calling to say thank you for not kicking me out of the house when you found out I was gay.

I do realize that was a big step for both, and I appreciate it so, thanks.

But just so you know, I need to talk about my life, and my boyfriend.

Yes! My boyfriend.

Whenever I want, because you need to know who I really am.

That's how families are supposed to work, and I don't know! If you don't like it...

If you don't like it, I have another family here, okay?

So... call me back when you get this message.

Because I really want to talk to you.

So?

What do you think?

Can you breathe in that?

It's so cute!

I told you a little color would do wonders for you.

Merry Christmas.

And I love you both, ok?

No matter what.

Much better, huh?

Absolutely!

Now...

If you do not mind...

There's one thing I've been desperately wanting to do.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.


Mom, dad, it's me. It's Nathan.

I want to say thank you for not kicking me out of the house when you found out I was gay.

I'll get the rest of the bags dear, I wouldn't want you to break a nail.

Is that Nathan? What'd he have to say?

If you'd be quiet for a second I could find out!

I'm happy to see this vacation has sweetened your mood.

If you don't like it... If you don't like it I have another family right here.

And I do love you both, ok?

No matter what.

Well, it looks like we're gonna be setting a few extra places for Christmas dinner next year.