Malcolm in the Middle S1E16 Script

Water Park (2000)

Who wants to make five bucks?

How? How?

I need someone to take the fall.

Oh, my God! What did you do?

I can't tell you.

Yes or no, no questions asked.

Oh, my God!

Make it ten.


Oh, my God!

You're a good son. I got him, honey!

I got him! Don't worry.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

There you go-- all pink and shiny.

Mmm. Boys?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ooh! Feel ten pounds lighter.

You ready?

Oh, yeah. Go.

Uh, aah...

Dad got us free tickets to the water slide park from work.

It takes two days to prep him, but it's worth it.

Ooh, smooth as a seal.

Ready for that water slide.

You know, we haven't been on an outing in a long time.

It's nice when we can do things together as a family.

Do what together?

Why can't I go?

Dewey, we discussed this.

You have to stay home because of your ear infection.

I never get to go.

Honey, I know it seems like a pattern, but it's just this.

And Disneyland.

Oh, and that chocolate factory tour.

You know, maybe it's time you stopped sticking dirty things in your ears.

Hey, Dewey.

How's the ear?

Stop teasing him, Reese!

You know, if your father doesn't find a babysitter, nobody's going anywhere and we'll just see who's crying then!

Oh, no, no, no. It's just the little one.

Yeah, the other two aren't going to be anywhere near you.

Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with babysitters.


Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo.

Goochy, goochy...

I don't know, sweetie.

What do you have behind your back?

You little losers!

I've had enough of this.

You open this door right now.

Okay, look. I'm a little claustrophobic, okay?

Just open the door! Just let me out!

Come on!

I don't know.

I'm starting to think it might be us.

Well, you'd think I'd get bored wiping the floor with my cadets.

God knows we enjoy it, sir.

Do you know what your problem is, cadet?


Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Whatever I do, whether it's teaching you boys or mastering tai chi, or playing pool...

I focus.

I push myself.

But you don't commit to anything, son.

You're never going to be a winner because you do everything half-assed.

Oh, regrettable.

You may have spoken too soon, sir.

I think you'll find I play pool with my whole ass.

Eight ball, corner pocket.


Ah, the fatal scratch.

Once again, I waltz with Lady Victory.

And until you focus, Francis, she is never going to be your dance partner.

Thank you so much for coming on such short notice.

And it was so nice of your agency to give us a second chance.

You two are going to have so much fun together.

Don't you dare hurt her.

Hurry, the sun's coming up!

Do you want to play something?


Hey, hey, look, kids.

Only 12 more miles to Wavetown, USA. Yay.

So, Malcolm, you going to go down the Liquidator this time?

Don't pressure the boy, Hal.

I'm not pressuring him. I'm just asking.

He's scared enough as it is without you making a big deal out of it.

Hey, Mom, doesn't Malcolm have to wear his nose plug for his sinuses? Shut up.

Oh, that's right. I forgot it.

Listen, honey, you just be very careful then, okay?

Don't worry, here it is.

Oh. Thank you, Reese.

Oh, my gosh, look at this!

This is awesome!

I can't wait to get on the rides.

Malcolm, don't think you can take off that nose plug just because I'm not looking.

You're going to wear it all day.

But I'm not even in the water.

Hey. If I catch you, for even one second, not wearing that nose plug, you're going to spend the day in the kiddie sprinkler.

So what do you want to do first?

What makes you think I want to do anything with you?

What's your problem?

That nose plug thing was bogus.

You crossed the line, Reese.


You sold me out to Mom.

It would've been different if I had done something to you, but... that was totally cold-blooded.

Don't be such a baby.

What you did to me was an act of war.

And believe me, I will get you back.

You won't know where or when, but you're gonna pay.

You sound funny.

You... you wanted to see me, sir?

I just got a call from the sheriff that a cocksure, smart-mouthed youth looking very much like yourself has been hustling pool at the local bars.

Really, sir?

You are in serious trouble, cadet.

I can explain...

Why have you been holding back when we've played pool?


I want to know why you've been letting me win.

Sir, if I played for real I'd just end up humiliating you in front of the whole school, and... and you'd, you know, torture us all for it.

Really, nothing good could come from it, and and, besides, winning seems to make you so happy.

I am not a child.

Do you really think me so petty that I would throw a tantrum over something so small as a game of pool?!

My mistake, sir.

We are going to play again.

And you are going to give me your best game, cadet.

And to make sure of that, if you don't win... picture yourself, 0400, awakened from sweet dreams of Mommy, sent outside into the bitter cold to raise our school colors and stand at attention for three hours until reveille is called.

Now, picture that for 230 consecutive days.

But what if I try my best and I still lose?

Then you shall be miserable indeed.


Remember, honey, how I promised you that exotic island vacation, but we had to go have children instead?


Well, I was thinking maybe today could be our little island getaway.

We've got the sun, the sand, the palm trees.

And I brought the cocktails.

It's Malibu rum in a lotion bottle so no one will know the difference.

You are so cute when you sneak in alcohol.

Hey, Reese, I think I just saw that girl you liked.

You know, the one with the really long blonde hair.

April? April, that's her.

Why'd you say you liked her again?

She's real trampy.

I hear she kisses with tongue.

Is that true, April?


Now we're even.

You geek, you deserved it!


Get out of here!

I think those are ours.

All right. No. I'll take care of it.


Malcolm, Reese, knock it off!

Can I watch TV?


Can I play video games?


What can I do?

Something quiet.


I can do this.

Keep your arms and legs crossed at all times.

Do not bend your legs.

Do not raise your head.

Remove all piercings.

You may have nothing around your neck.

Enjoy the ride.

Okay, here it goes.

On three.

One... two... three...!

Hey, there, girlie.

Let me adjust your bra strap.

Now we're even.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

First, we sort by the number of holes, then by color.

What's in your mouth?


There are at least 20 things I will not tolerate, and lying is one of them.

Spit it out.

You're eating my buttons.

I wasn't eating. I was saving.

What are you? A hamster?

What were you saving it for?

I don't know.

It's pretty. It's my favorite one.

You know... actually, it's my favorite, too.

What do you think of this one?

It's ugly. I hate it.

So do I.

My, you're a, you're a smart little boy.

You seem to be practicing pretty hard.

I hope you're not planning on doing something stupid, like winning.

Look, guys, I know you want me to lose, but Spangler insisted I play a real game.

Francis, you can't win.

If you do, Spangler's going to take it out on us.

Remember when Hendrix beat him playing horse on a lucky shot?

We couldn't watch anything but PBS for a week.

And that was during pledge drive, man.

Guys, come on. Do you have any idea what Spangler's going to do to me if I lose?

Do you know what we're going to do to you if you win?

Where were we?

Mom! You have to stop Reese!

He's being a total jerk!

Malcolm, does it look like I'm open for business?

You have done nothing but pester us.

Is it too much to ask that your father and I enjoy one day?

But Reese is the one... I don't want to hear it.

You either take care of this yourself or I'm gonna lock the two of you in the car for the rest of the day. I mean it.

Lifeguard, help!

My brother-- he can't swim.

Out of the way, guys!

Drowning boy!

Out of the way!

Drowning boy!

Drowning boy! Drowning boy!

Drowning boy!

Give him some air, guys.

Give him some air. Back up.


Let the people who work here do that.

Now we're even.

And then I was playing with my imaginary friend, and Reese hit me because he said I shouldn't talk to myself.

Well, Reese is a horrid little boy.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend.

I talk to my Harold all the time.

You do? Of course.

He's here right now.

Would he like a cookie?


No, no, no.

He's over there.

Yes! Yes!

Sorry, sir.

It's understandable, cadet.

I've seen professionals do much worse.

I guess the pool gods are smiling on me today.

But then, the pool gods can be fickle.

That's okay, sir.

You'll win the next one.

Sir, what are you doing?

I think I'm losing.

And gracefully, I'd like to be noted.

But you could have made that shot.

I could say the same thing to you.

There were at least a dozen shots that you've held back on.

But since you seem to be motivated more by losing, I'm going to beat you at your own game.


I'm going down, cadet.

I'm going down hard.

But, sir, these guys are going to kick my ass if I win.

Well, that's just gravy.

May the best man lose.

Fudge! It seems I've scratched again.

Well, you seem to be on a roll, cadet.

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ I'm mixin' business with leather ♪

♪ Christmas with Heather ♪

♪ Freaks flock together ♪

♪ Makin' all the B-boys scream ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Turn it up now ♪

♪ Turn it up now ♪

♪ All right ♪ ♪ All right ♪

♪ Turn it up now ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Word up to the man thing ♪

♪ She's always cold lamping ♪

♪ Visine at the canteen ♪

♪ I just want to watch you dance. ♪

♪ Can you hear the drums, Fernando? ♪

♪ I remember long ago another starry night like this ♪

♪ In the firelight, Fernando ♪

♪ You were humming to yourself ♪

♪ And softly strumming your guitar ♪

♪ I could hear the distant drums ♪

♪ And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar ♪

♪ There was something in the air that night ♪

♪ The stars were bright, Fernando ♪

♪ They were shining there for you and me ♪

♪ For liberty, Fernando ♪

♪ Though we never thought that we could lose ♪

♪ There's no regret ♪

♪ If I had to do the same again ♪

♪ I would, my friend, Fernando ♪

♪ There was something in the air that night ♪

♪ The stars were bright... ♪

Before you say anything, Malcolm, I just want to tell you, I don't want to hear it.

Can't you give your mother and me five minutes of peace?

You know what? You can have the rest of the day because I've given up.

I'm not going to have any fun anyway, so why try?

As long as we're on the same page.

Today sucked.

I've done nothing except chicken out, get laughed at and fight with Reese.

So now I'm just going to lie down, enjoy the sun and wait for them to take me home.

Now we're even.

Now we're...


Reese, I've done some soul-searching in the last few minutes and hereby offer my complete and full apology.

It was very wrong of me.

I'm truly sorry for my childish and inappropriate behavior and I'd like to think that the terrible guilt I'm feeling is punishment enough for...

Hey, there's no cutting in line.

Oh, it's you again.

Reese, I am so sorry.

I really, really mean it.

Do you think we're wealthy?!


Do you think we're wealthy?

Wealthy people drive fancy cars.

They buy fresh pasta.

Do we do any of those things?

No! Wealthy people can afford to have their vacations ruined.

No big deal. They just pick up and they go again.

Your father and I work so hard.

We work so long.

What is wrong with you two?!

Are you aborigines?!

Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting, and I pray to God it's someone else's kids, but it's not.

It's always you!

Sane children would appreciate this, but you have to keep nattering at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys!

It is not enough that you do this every day.

You have to make me suffer, too.

So help me!

Don't you dare!

Arms and legs crossed at all times!

That is the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.


You're going to die.

I know.

So, do you think she's okay?

This is the last time I take you boys anywhere!

Good playing, cadet.

Same to you, sir.

Hey, who won?

Who cares, man?