Malcolm in the Middle S1E2 Script

Red Dress (2000)

What'd you do? What?

Don't give me that. What'd you do?

Nothing.

Mom, I'm trying to study.

Oh.

Then I'm sure you don't mind if I, uh... took a look in here.

Mom, I'm telling you.

We didn't do anything.

Oh, you boys are up to something.

I can smell it.

If you've broken another window, it is gonna come out of your...

Are you done?

You want to frisk me?

You just consider yourselves lucky.

This time.

That was close.

Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

The good thing about being smart is I never have to look up any phone numbers.

The bad thing is no one else in the family ever bothers to remember anything.

Hey, Francis, you told me to remind you about Mom and Dad's anniversary.

Ah, great.

When is that? Today.

Dude, you're supposed to remind me before so that I can get them something.

That's okay.

We'll put your name on our gift.

Cool. Thanks, man.

I owe you one.

No, you owe me 20.

That's what your share comes to.

You got 'em an $80 gift?

Uh...

Yeah.

Oh, Craig.

Happy anniversary.

16 wonderful years to the same man.

That Hal is one lucky hombre.

Craig, you shouldn't have.

Oh, please.

Special gift for a special lady on a special day.

No, I mean, really, you shouldn't have.

Aren't only husbands supposed to give you gifts?

Fine, throw it in the trash, then.

H-H-Hold on.

Well, let's see what it is first.

Oh, look at...

I've been meaning to try this color.

I know, I saw you eyeing it a couple weeks ago.

I didn't know we carried this brand. We don't.

So where did you see me...? So, uh, big plans for tonight?

What are you gonna be wearing?

Oh, it's gonna be great.

I have the most perfect red dress, I...

Took me two months to save up for it, but it was worth it.

Oh, I've been fantasizing about this night forever.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Craig?

Huh.

Yeah, uh, say, Lois, uh, you... y-you want to go catch a movie or something over lunch?

Uh, they're playing My Best Friend's Wedding over in Electronics. Mm, no, thanks. I don't...

Fine, forget it.

I'm okay!

Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present?!

I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes!

More paper.

I get to do the bow.

Why'd she give you the money to buy the gift?

Because she didn't want another karate video.

It's "ka-ra-tay."

I get to do the bow.

What'd we get them anyway?

Picture frame.

Brownnoser.

I get to do the bow.

We're not finished yet.

Yeah, but I get to do the bow.


Finished.

Finally.

No! I was supposed to do the bow.

Well, you should have said something.

I'm telling.

Mom...!

No...!

Fire?

Fire?

Fire?! Mom! What's...?

This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done!

Is this what you want?!

Where we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records?

I want a straight answer.

Who did this?!

Malcolm did it! Reese did it!

I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

We're going to the dentist?

Who?

I don't like that one anyway.

No. No. Not that one.

♪ They turn me down, they turn me down ♪

♪ They turn, they turn, they turn, they turn ♪

♪ They, they, they, they, they... ♪ Who?

It wasn't me. It was him. It was him, it was him.

Okay. Into the hallway.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Yeah? Well, that's gonna be the highlight of your evening, because nobody is going anywhere till one of you tells me who.

And everything's all set up?

I believe so, sir.

Table seven? Chateau Brut '87?

Hors d'oeuvres medley?

Yes, sir.

Ooh, geez.

One more thing.

I almost forgot.

See, uh, my wife always orders lobster, so could you have the chef slip this on the lobster's claw just before you serve it?

She gets such a kick out of stuff like that.

And so do I, for that matter.

Not a problem, sir.

The violinist has our song?

He received the sheet music this morning.

Good. Good, good, good, good.

You would be surprised how many times I've heard "Tears of a Clown" just butchered.

Tell her. You tell her.

Who?

Okay, okay, closer to the wall!

Wait, Mom, seriously, it reeks over here.

I can't help it.

Okay, into the TV room.

Let's go.

♪ Come on... ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on... ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on... ♪ I'll give you $5 if you tell Mom you did it. You tell her.

You did it, 'cause I didn't do it.

I really didn't.

What are you eating?

Nothing. Why don't you guys shut up so I can think of something?

What's there to think of?

There's nothing we can do.

I've never seen Mom so mad.

Me, either.

Reese is right.

We're out of our league.

There's only one person who ever had Mom this mad at them and survived.

Hello.

And she has your heads where? Under the couch.

All because Reese won't admit he did it.

You admit it. I didn't do it.

Neither did I. Liar. Whoa, wh-whoa.

Chill. You are not gonna get anywhere fighting with each other.

Now, first of all, you all burned the dress.

I didn't.

Hey, you all did it.

You have to stay together.

You have to stay united.

United against who?

My mom. Nice.

Okay, now, no one broke so far, so you should be proud of yourselves.

Did she do the toy thing yet? Yep.

Spinning? Uh-uh.

Okay, good.

I think I know where she's going.

Separate interviews.

Listen, when she gets you alone, she's going to pretend she's on your side.

She's not.

Go ahead.

It's a name brand.

I'm not mad at you.

I know you didn't do this.

You're a good boy.

But I want you to help me find out who did.

This is serious.

One of your brothers could have burned the house down.

And for that, he will be severely punished.

But the one who helps me will be a very happy boy.

And I want that to be you.

'Cause you've always been the best one.

You've always been the best one.

You have always been the best one.

Mom, honestly, I don't know who did it.

I don't know. Don't know.

Well, I guess you boys think you've got your old mom over a barrel, huh?

Well, we'll just see about that.

If you boys want to play, we can play all night long.


Sir? Mmm.

Oh.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, can I have another vodka martini, please?

Very good.

This time, let's go olive, onion, olive.

Whatever.

W-What's that? I can't hear you.

She's killing us!

♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪

♪ Don't be mean, 'cause mean is bad ♪

♪ Nice is better than mean ♪

♪ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♪

♪ Don't be a thug... ♪ Why does she have to ruin everything I love?!

Francis, I'm just going to tell her I did it.

I know it wasn't me, but anything is better than this!

Oh, God.

That is bad.

They tried that psych-ops stuff on Noriega.

They said that by the end, he wanted to cut his own ears off.

Malcolm, you cannot crack now.

She will own you for the rest of your life.

Now, listen to me, Malcolm.

You have to do exactly what I say.

♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪

♪ Don't be mean, 'cause mean is bad ♪

♪ Nice is better than mean ♪

♪ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♪

♪ Don't be a thug, 'cause thugs are bad ♪

♪ Hugs are better than thugs ♪

♪ Smart is good... ♪ Did you see that?

Hey! Francis is a genius!

Come on, sing louder!

♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪

♪ Don't be mean, 'cause mean is bad... ♪ Oh, this is so cute!

Oh, your grandmother and all your friends are just going to love this at your next birthday party.

You're kidding me.

Okay, just hang in there.

Give me a minute to think.

Damn, she's good.

Did they crack?

Nah, Dewey faked a stomach cramp, bought 'em some time. Good man.

Man, if we would have had your mom in 'Nam, there'd be a McDonald's in Hanoi Square right now.

Dude, there is a McDonald's in Hanoi Square.

All right.

Franklin, I'm ready to order.

Are you sure, sir?

Mm-hmm. See, in our family, we have a saying.

"After an hour, eat without her.

If it's any longer, something's wronger."

Very catchy, sir.

Well, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, Franklin.

Do you have any lemonade?

No, sir. Oh.

You have lemons? Yes, sir.

Well, throw one in another martini and let's hear those specials.

What's she doing?

Can't tell.

Maybe she left.

Yeah, I'm sure she's gone out to buy us all presents.

Hooray.

Man, it's just too quiet out there.

It's driving me crazy.

Maybe we should sing some more.

Shut up, Dewey.

I wonder how many holes are up in those tiles.

186,480.

You counted all those?

No, you just count one tile's holes, across and down, multiply it, then multiply it again by the number of tiles.

You're doing that more and more.

Doing what?

That brain thing.

Are you just going to keep getting smarter and weirder?

I don't know.

Well, can you tone it down a little bit?

'Cause I can't keep up with all these butt-kickings.

What are you talking about?

Well, at least twice a day I have to whoop-ass on some kid calling you a weirdo.

Honestly, it's exhausting.

You beat up people 'cause they call me a weirdo?

Well, the last kid, he was a freak anyways.

He was in no position to throw out names.

Thanks. For what?

Nothing.

Hey.

What am I thinking right now?

I'm smart; I'm not psychic.

Can you understand what dogs are saying?

No.

I can.

Oh, boys.

I don't know who put you up to this sticking-together garbage, but I don't like it.

Therefore, you have forced me to do something terrible.

Say good-bye to a cherished family member.

Who?! No!

No! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Don't you dare.

And don't move a muscle.

Hi, Lois.

Look, Ed, uh, it's 9:00.

I'm a little busy right now.

Well, you see, there's the problem.

It's 9:00 at night, and I keep hearing screaming.

Now, this didn't sound like your normal screaming.

It-it was more like killing-screaming.

I'm not one to complain...

That's why we like you.

In your room... now.

Nice place you got here.

Thank you, sir.

I like to create an atmosphere.

Did you enjoy your meal, sir?

Well, if you can call four olives, two onions and a whole lot of alcohol a meal, then, yes.

Very good, sir.

Uh...

What have you got in the cologne department?

Um, were you looking for anything in particular?

Well, I've been thinking about a signature scent. Uh-huh.

You see, I-I'd like to leave a room and have people say, "Boy, smells like Hal in here."

Mmm?

But in a nice way. Yeah. Right.

Uh, let's see... you...

You strike me as a... sandalwood.

Sandalwood, huh?

Sandalwood.

Let's give it a smell-see, shall we?

Eh?

Yes.

That's quite nice.

Hit me.

Here we go.

Oh, that's... that is quite nice.

Ooh!

You do a service to your craft, sir.

This man is a genius.

Snooty bastard.

You'd think this place would be the great equalizer, huh?

You know, even a king looks like a fool when he's answering nature's call, am I right?

Of course I'm right.

Well, it's been a pleasure.

Oh.

Sorry.

Have a good evening.

Uh, sir?

Yes.

Thank you for making eye contact with me.

Boys, I just, I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't want to punish anyone.

All I want is the truth.

I don't know how things got this far, but I just want it to stop.

Nah, they'll never buy it.

Oh, my God, Hal.

They saved the TV.

Beautiful work, beautiful!

You have her exactly where you want her-- totally crazy.

Now it's time to take the offensive.

The offensive?

Exactly. She won't...

Wait a minute.

Did you hear breathing?

What?

Mom?

Malcolm.

Would you hang up the phone, please?

Hi, Mom.

Happy anniversary.

Not good. Not good.

What is it? What?!

Mom! Phone!

Oh! Oh, man. Oh, man.

We're gonna die!

That's it.

I got to run away. Oh. Wait!

We can get out of this.

You have to use that brain of yours.

Think.

Think!

All I can think about is how hard he's twisting my nipple.

Ow!

Okay.

Think. Think.

I got it.

Mmm, here it is.

That's our song.

Not our song. No, no, not...

Can I have...?

Another one...

I cannot believe you, Francis.

You think you are so clever turning them against me, don't you?

No, Mom.

We did not send you to Marlin Academy so that you could undermine my authority long-distance.

Well, why did you send me?

Well, it-it was not so that you could undermine my authority.

And if I am not mistaken, you are undermining my authority!

What are you doing?

Y-You're spending your anniversary at home, fixating on a stupid dress.

Is that what you wanted tonight?

What am I supposed to do, Francis? Let it go?

Yes, that is exactly what you should do.

Let it go.

But you can't, 'cause you can never let anything go.

I can, too, let things go.

Fine... I can...

Fine. I can!

Okay, just forget I said anything.

I cannot talk to you anymore.

Ooh, you make me so mad.

Sometimes I just want to break your neck.

Did you get the cookies I sent you?

Yeah, they were great.

Good.

I swear to God, on paper, this was a great idea.

All right, that's it.

Get dressed-- we're going to dinner.

Oh, my God, it did work.

What?

Dinner.

I won't have you boys starving to death.

Last thing I need is a bunch of social workers and reporters tearing up the front lawn.

Now, hurry up before I change my mind.

What about the dress?

I really liked that dress.

Hey, thanks for the ride, Tony.

Anytime, Hal!

Hello!

Honey?

Boys?

Anybody home?

Hotcha!

This evening just keeps getting better and better.

Hmm.

Oh! No, no.

Okay, okay.

Geez, oh...

Not again.