Malcolm in the Middle S1E5 Script

Malcolm Babysits (2000)

Pass the chips, please.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Wow, that was a really great move.

My head just went flying.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I told you boys these games are too violent.

Here, watch something wholesome.

♪ The sun is a mass of incandescent gas ♪

♪ A gigantic nuclear furnace ♪

♪ Where hydrogen is built... ♪ Give me more chips!

Get your own, doofus!

Shut up! I'm watching!

You shut up! I want more chips!


♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

$90 for a toy?

It's not a toy. It's a robotics kit.

You build a little mechanical rover.

It teaches you about electronics and engineering.

Does it teach you to pick up your socks?

'Cause that I'd be interested in.

Besides, son, robots are evil. What?!

Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons... how much scientific proof do you need?

Mom! Malcolm, no!

Look, if you want this thing so badly, you pay for it with your own money.

You're gonna start babysitting next week, just save up.

I don't even know what they're gonna pay me!

I'll tell you what they're gonna pay you.

They're gonna pay you what all jobs pay-- less than you're worth and just enough to keep you crawling back for more. Now go on. It's bedtime.

That's the way discussions go down in this family.

I tell them my needs and they say no.

Then dad reveals another cartoon character he's afraid of.

Hey, how much time do you think we have?

Not long enough for that look.

You butt-wipe! That's my toothbrush.

So use mine.

You can't just take someone's toothbrush.

Give me that.



Hal... that is the third bug I've seen today.

You have got to call the exterminator!

What, and miss out on watching you hunt?

You're like a sexy, bug-killing panther.

Malcolm, stop!

That's it!

Bedtime was 20 minutes ago.

Go to bed!

Go to bed!


Hal, bring the spray!

I haven't rinsed yet.

Only boys who behave themselves get to rinse.

Honestly, every night we go through this!

Mom, can I have a story?

Once upon a time there was a little boy who made his mother so crazy she decided to sell him to the circus.

An evil circus?

No, a nice one with monkeys.

Thank you. Ah, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I see where they're coming from.

Ah, you cannot hide.

Aw... look at...


Oh! Ooh!


Aah! Aah! Just...

Okay, come on, boys.

We're all camping out in the den tonight.

Here we go.

Hey, Francis, aren't you going to open up your mom's care package?

Give me a minute.

I'm still savoring this.

I swiped Commandant Spangler's master key.

It opens every door in the academy, Stanley.

Every door.

You know, I think it's cookies.

Who cares? I'm about to expose every secret sin this place conceals to the harsh light of day.

So, can I open it?


So, what'd my mom send me?

Bug-infested cookies.

As usual, a mixed message.

And this is the living room.

This is the biggest, nicest house I've ever seen!


Homocanthus imperator.

We call him Barney.


We saved you some dinner.

Dinner? Me? Saved?


We weren't sure which you liked better-- turkey or roast beef-- so we fixed you a platter.


Okay, kids, what time is it?

Bedtime! Bedtime!

Yay! I'll race you!

They're going to bed?

So you're just paying me to hang out here for three hours?

Well, maybe three and a half.

We'll round up to four, of course.

Come on, there's got to be a catch!

Oh, and Malcolm, you can't watch television... unless you turn on the satellite first.

Otherwise, all you'll get is pornography.

It's weird...

I think I'm having a spasm.

The muscles in my face keep pulling on my mouth.

Oh, I think I'm happy!

I just don't understand how it got so bad so fast.

Well, it's been pretty hot this year.

That's part of it, but, uh... mostly it's that giant pile of candy wrappers and half-eaten cereal boxes you have in your crawl space.

It's like there's some kind of creepy hobo living down there.

Whoa... there really is a lost bomb shelter.

Wow, this is almost as exciting as that room full of folding chairs.

Let's get out of here!

Aw, come on, Francis.

Don't you want to explore?

We might find the abandoned furnace room or the old civil war amputorium.

I didn't want to say this before, but you've confirmed it.

Marlin Academy is the most boring place on earth.

We're not gonna find anything interesting.

I take that back.

Look, the circus!

The circus is at our house!

Well, say good-bye for a few days, boys.

We're moving out.

This is humiliating.

Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?

Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.


Thank you so much for lending us your trailer.

Oh, I'm just glad someone's finally getting some use out of it.

I bought it 15 years ago to take on my honeymoon.

You were married?

No, I live on hope.

Well... thanks again.

You're welcome.



Aw, this is cozy!

It's 150 degrees in here!

My butt is sweating.

Ah, it just needs to air out a little.

The trailer!

Come on, let's make the best of this.

I'm going to go babysit.

It's still early. They don't mind.

They paying you okay?


It's okay.

I can't believe how much these people are paying me!

I did the math.

I'm actually making more an hour than mom does.

I got to stop doing this.

It's creepy, right?


Looks like he was the janitor.

How long you think he's been down here?

I'd say May of '85.

You can tell that by tasting?

No, the date on the newspaper.

Then why did you lick him?

How often do you get to taste a mummy?

We should tell someone about him.

Uh, no, you can't do that.

Commandant will know you took the key, and he'll punish you.

And then he'll punish me.

And I'm gonna have to punish you.

Yeah, but don't you think that's kind of sad?

I mean, Lester's family will never know what happened to him.

They probably still set a place for him on holidays.

Yeah, well, judging by the empty scotch bottles and German dungeon porn, I don't think so.

Damn. Beta.

And you made fun of me when I bought this mesh underwear.

Who looks like an idiot now?

I stand corrected.

Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?

But it's cooler outside.

Are you sure?



I don't know.

I don't know.

Will you please make up your mind?

There's no need for that kind of tone.

It wasn't a tone.

There it is again.

Look, Hal, it's hot.

We're all cranky.

Will you please just drop it?


I think you should apologize.

Oh, you know, I didn't hear you apologizing to me when you used up all the liquid in the chemical toilet.

Well, we have your taco casserole to thank for that, don't we?

Boys, will you step outside for a second?

Your father and I need a little privacy.


Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of the boys.

But you are behaving like a giant ass!

Oh, really?

Well, as long as we're on the subject of giant asses...

I'm ready to go.

Hey, you want to see something?

That's okay; I don't want to break it.

Ah, don't be silly. Come, take a look.


That's a spiral galaxy.

These people are amazing.

They're rich, they're smart, they're polite.

What are they gonna do next, give me a million dollars?

Malcolm, do you want a million dollars?


I said, do you want a sandwich to take home?

Oh. Close enough.

I only asked out your sister because you said you weren't interested!

And I was thinking of you the whole time!

Aw, don't give me that!

I saw the charm bracelet!

This isn't even mine!

What, are you insane?

You're throwing out stuff that's not even mine!

What are you looking at?

Hey, this is a private conversation, buster!


Oh, yeah, like you've never seen this before!

My mistake.

I'm on the next street over.

You were right about Lester. I checked him out-- no wife, no kids.

Poor guy didn't have a friend in the world.

Here you go, Lester, buddy.

Did you tell anyone about this place?



Must've been me, then.

All right, that's enough!

Party's over!

Don't you guys have any respect for the dead?

You took his wallet!

Lester would've wanted me to have his I.D.

But that's not the point.

This man was not just an alcoholic pervert janitor.

He was one of us!

He hated the commandant as much as we do.

He was filled with impudent rage, like we are.

This man was a hero.

And heroes do not rot alone in basements.

They're immortalized in song.

They were sent off to Valhalla in flaming ships!

They are not put in beer hats or used as photo props or given fake mustaches.

Oh, man!

That wasn't fake.

My bad.

What do we do now?

Go for the spare.

Up higher, Dewey. Reese, vertical, vertical!

I already adjusted... Go like this.

I know, but this... Push the button harder.

Francis, I'm sorry I'm calling you so late.

I had to talk to someone.

Hey, no problem. What's going on?

I don't know.

Do you ever feel like you don't really belong in the family?

Dude, I'm in military school.

I think that question's been answered.


This is good.

At least someone else in the family is normal.

Hey, listen, while I got you, um... you're in school with all those science brains.

How would you reattach a head to a dead body?

Keep it down! Huh?

Don't talk to your mother like that!

Would you go sit in the corner?

There are no corners!

You ready to make up?


Me, neither.

Oh, hello, son.

You know, I barely see you anymore.

That babysitting has turned into a full-time job.

Well, sometimes I just go over there to hang out and watch TV.

Live in a house.

Dad, does this seem okay to you?

Gosh, no. Your mother and I have never fought for this long before.

It's been days, and we still haven't made up.

I don't even know what the problem is.

Nah, something's missing.

Boy... look at that sky, Malcolm.

Just think, somewhere out there in all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down at us.

Or would it be up at us?

Or maybe sideways?

Trust me, Dad. They're all looking down on us.

The matinee gets out at 4:00, so we should be back before dinner.

Okay. What do you want me to feed the kids for lunch?

Hmm, whatever you want.

We trust you.

They trust me!

People like this trust me!

I obviously have to say something nice back to them.

This is why my family sucks.

I have no training in this.

This job... me... like.

We're thrilled to have found you, Malcolm.

The kids love you.

You're great to have around.

You've really become one of the family.

I may not have been switched at birth, but I should have been.

I love these people.

Okay, come on.

Wait a minute.


Well... let's see what our little friend did today.

Oh, hi.

Don't worry.

I'd never hurt Barney.

He's part of the family.

Just like I'm part of the family, right?

And since a big part of this family is being such a huge phony and launching secret investigations against each other, I thought I'd join in.

Personal computers are great.

You can file tax returns, medical records, embarrassing private e-mail.

Little security tip, though.

Never use your birthday as your password.

And hiding things in a fake salt can?

That's just silly.

I don't know who Melissa is, but she sure wears a lot of lipstick.

Anyway, I think I hear you guys pulling up in the driveway.

So let's just leave it at this:

I quit.


Who's Melissa?

Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.

I decided to walk.

So, how's the job going?

They were jerks, so I quit.

Well, that's pretty much what work is.

Welcome to the club.



I'm really sorry.

What? About quitting?

Ah... no big deal, especially for you.

Malcolm, you should set your sights as high as you can.

If anyone in this family has a shot at greatness, it's you.

Just, uh... do me a favor, huh?

Look after your brothers?

Okay, wait, wait.

You mean everything you just said, right?

Why would I say something I didn't mean?

See? That's what I'm talking about.

This family may be rude, loud and gross and have no shame whatsoever.

Anyway, with them you know where you stand, and when I have a problem, they're always there.

Oh, my Lord.


Things didn't work out so bad.

I made enough money to get my robotics kit.

Or maybe I should do something nice for my family.

Take them to dinner... treat them to a movie.

Naw, then I couldn't do this.

If you don't change your underwear, this is exactly what happens.

Like the ancient civilizations before us, we send off this noble man with the riches he had in life so he may enjoy them in the afterlife.

Farewell, noble Lester.

It's burning really fast.

How much gas did you use?

Half a can.

Where'd you put the can?



It's heading toward the boathouse.

What do you think?


Yeah. I'd run.

I figured it out.

Hal, you okay?

Yeah, shh, shh, shh.

Whenever we'd fight, you'd yell, then I'd yell, but then we would... you know.

Well, you see, we haven't had a chance to because we're in a trailer with kids and we can't...

Oh, my God, Hal, you're right.

What are we going to do? We got the kids...

No, n-no, I got it all figured out.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Means "I love you" ♪

♪ Oh, baby, please ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la means "I love you..." ♪