Malcolm in the Middle S2E1 Script

Traffic Jam (2000)

Okay, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together, but when we do, there's a little tradition we always end up observing.

When you say lifetime ban, I mean, whose lifetime are you talking about?

Ow! Mom, let my feet touch the ground.

Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again.

I should've just given birth to chimps.

Then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.


Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey.

He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.

And then the ambulance came, but there was this balloon.

And then I was chasing it, and then I didn't know where I was.

And then I chased a bag, and then I really didn't know where I was.

And then I saw you, and I thought maybe you could help me because you helped that other girl-- the one in the movie.

So if you could just come to life and help me, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks anyway.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

It's 95 degrees outside.

It's 110 in here.

We have to run the heater so the radiator doesn't boil over.

Hal, stop swerving.

This darn silver Toyota's been tailgating me for the last three miles.

Just pull over, let him pass.

Oh, flashing the brights.

It's going to be like that, huh?


Good lord, Hal, he could have a gun.

Just let him pass.

All right, silver Toyota, you win this round.

Go ahead, get there two seconds sooner!

That guy is just an accident waiting to happen.

♪ A, B, C, D ♪

♪ A, B, C, D ♪

♪ A, B, C, D... ♪ It's a good thing I found you.

It's not very safe for a little boy like you to be all by yourself.

♪ A, B, C, D... ♪ Oh, don't you worry.

I'm going to get you back home to your parents.

They must be worried sick.

♪ A, B, C, D ♪

♪ A, B, C, D... ♪ It's "E," dear.

♪ A, B, C, D, E. ♪

♪ E. ♪ I know.

♪ A, B, C, D ♪

♪ A, B, C, D... ♪

"Sugar, corn syrup and gelatin."

How can something so simple be so delicious?

That stuff's nasty, Francis.

To the unsophisticated palate, yes, but to me, the Candy Quack is nature's perfect food.

I'll bet I could eat a hundred of them.

No way. All that marshmallow would expand in your stomach.

You wouldn't get past 50.

Okay, there's where you're wrong, Joe.

See, the marshmallow wouldn't expand.

It would dissolve.

I'd never get full.

In fact, I don't...

Will you just shut up!

I have sat back and said nothing while you've gone on and on about how you can eat a hundred of this and lift a hundred of that.

The Quacks would expand.

You're an idiot if you think different.

Okay, let me tell you something.

If I say I can eat a hundred Quacks, you can take that as a bona fide guarantee.

And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, because I'd hate to raise the whole issue of you wearing boxers in the shower.

That was so cool.

Did you see that truck jackknife and flip over and that wheel fly through the air?

An explosion would've been nice, but you can't have everything.

Yeah, Reese, this is great.

Now we're stuck here for hours with no food and no air-conditioning.

I guess it could be worse.

I could be the guy in the silver Toyota.

Why can't you just open one lane?

Lady, we have to wait for the crane to get here before we can even think of opening this road to traffic.

Yeah, but if you just moved a couple of those police cars, there'd be enough room to just pass on the shoulder.

I mean, this is just plain stupid.

Ma'am, don't call a police officer stupid.

What, that's a law now?

Look, my freshman year, I ate seven pounds of grapes in one sitting.

I think I know what my body is capable of.

We're not talking about grapes, Francis.

We're talking about pure sucrose.

The human body simply cannot absorb the sugar in 100 Quacks.


Hey, in extreme cases, the human pancreas has been known to increase its insulin production by up to 60%.


Listen, your pancreas can produce enough insulin to fill a swimming pool.

That doesn't mean squat if your adrenal gland can't distribute it into your bloodstream fast enough!


Gentlemen, gentlemen!

This argument is pointless.


Look, look at that-- they're just standing around.

Yeah, 500 cars full of people who actually have someplace to go, and they're just standing there talking.

What is there to discuss?!

Hey! Let me clear something up for you!

This is a car wreck!

You're a road crew. Do your job!

Are you even listening to me?

That could have been me.

Yeah, well, Hal, it could've been all of us.

Nope! No, that car was sliced right through the driver's seat.

You and the boys would've walked away without a scratch.

This totally sucks.

It's like an oven out here.

What is the point of wandering aimlessly through traffic?

So we can find cool stuff like this.

Smells like gasoline.

Reese, can't we just go back to the car?

My feet are killing...

Ice cream man!

Go away!

There is no ice cream in the truck!

He's lying!

There's tons of ice cream in there!

The ice cream in the truck is not for sale!

It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!

This is just wrong!

You could make money and please children.

This is a senseless act.

You are evil-- pure evil!

Well, if you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...

You son of a...!

Look, there's nothing you can do.

Yes, there is.

I can... I can...

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Hey, you're talking about my brother.

Good one.

I'm Jessica-- gray Volvo.

Malcolm-- crappy minivan.

Do you want to go check out the crash site?

Sure. You know, my dad practically caused it.


What time is it now?

It's still 4:00.

You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.

What time is it in China?

Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hour...

Do you speak Chinese?

Well, no. I...

Is Chinatown in China?

Honey, if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...

What does this toe do?

You know what? I need to buy a pack of cigarettes-- for the first time in 20 years.

Grape juice, please.

He's getting away!


Think about it, Lois.

I stopped to tie my shoe in the parking lot.

If I hadn't done that, we would've been on the road 20 seconds sooner.

I would've been 200 yards ahead of where I was, and then I would've been the silver Toyota.

And if you hadn't rented Body Heat, we never would have had Dewey.

It's all an intricate tapestry, Hal.


Yes. Hello... D-Did you ask your supervisor?

Yes, and this phone is for emergency roadside assistance only, ma'am.

I can't connect you to a private line.

Look, I have got to get through to my babysit...

Look. J-Just let me talk to the supervisor.

One moment, ma'am.

Hello. This is the supervisor.

No, it isn't.

You're just disguising your voice.

No, I'm not. I'm really the supervisor.

You can't do this!

Ma'am, I'm about to be replaced by a machine.

I can do whatever I damn well please.

H-Hey! Where do you think you're going, young lady?

It's okay. My dad's an investigator for the D.O.T.

Oh, there he is. Hi, Daddy!


Whoa. Your dad's a crash investigator?

Here's a little secret, Malcolm: whenever you want something, everybody's your dad.

Hi, Daddy!

Okay, she's cute, she's smart, and she even lies to cops.

I may be in over my head here.




And when you're constantly moving from town to town, it's really hard to make friends.

So, yeah, I acted out, I guess.

But who wouldn't in my situation?

All right, I got to let you off here.









Malcolm, you have got to check out this view.

Ow! I hate pricker bushes.

What fruit are they trying to protect anyway?

Do you see anything on here worth protecting?

What are we doing up here?

Just enjoying the sights.

And check out that crazy lady.

So tell me about this gifted class.

It's horrible.

I'm surrounded by Krelboynes.

I have to do twice as much homework as anyone else in my grade.

I have to take all these college-prep classes...

What a nightmare.

If you're not careful, you might get a full scholarship to Harvard.

You don't understand.

Malcolm, you've been bellyaching nonstop for an hour and a half.

Seriously, all you do is bitch.

I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation.

Today is the perfect example.

Look at this mess.

What's good about this?

Well... if it weren't for this... we never would have met.

How could I not see that coming?

This girl's incredible!



Pricker bush.

And I keep rolling it around in my head-- how much time do I have left?

And what have I done with my life?

I mean, what is my contribution?

You go home at night knowing that you have helped to make the world a better place by forging that thin blue line, and that is real, man.

If I could just once feel that sense of accomplishment, it...

Do you know how special you are?

Do you?

Z... Y... X...


Okay, let me get this straight. We have been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now the crane is here.

That's right.

And the man who works the crane, he's here, too.

That's right.

Then why is nothing happening?!

Look, we can't touch anything until the investigators sign off on the accident report.

Yeah, but they must have been done hours ago. Where are they?

That's a whole nother department.

It's really not my job to know.

Start... the... crane.

You can't tell me what to do.

Hey, not so fast, Charlie!

Ah! Let go of me!

What do you think you're doing, huh?

Nothing! I'm just going for a walk! What the hell's going on?!

This kid was trying to break into your truck.

Let go of me!

I just want some damn ice cream.

You don't deserve ice cream.

Yeah, well, you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!


Come here, you punk! You little punk!

That will teach you to mess with me!

I was a surgeon in my country!

Way to go!

Hit me again.

Come on! Come on!


Looks like the human body can only accept 96 Quacks.

Check and mate.

Francis, just four more.

You can do it.




Hey, no one said he had to eat all the Quacks.

They just have to be inside his body, right?

He did it!

100 Quacks!

You got heart.

Hey, way to go, Francis.

Man, that was way cooler than the time Davis did a thousand sit-ups.


I mean, Davis is in pretty good shape, but a thousand sit-ups?

You're just begging for a double hernia.

Man, it's that kind of small-minded thinking that keeps you from recognizing true greatness.

What are you talking about?

You're always arguing about something, man.

A thousand sit-ups? Are you crazy?

Pleasure doing business with you, Kyle.

Nice moves out there, Erin.

And here's your share, Mr. Wells.

That man left us no choice.

Try the green one!

Come on out of there, ma'am.

You order them to move this thing!

Let's just get you out of the crane, and then we'll have a little talk.

Don't you dare patronize me.

Okay, you don't want to be patronized?

I'll be blunt. You're a control freak.

I see them all the time.

But guess what? This is a traffic jam.

It is out of your control. Yeah, but I...

You can't boss it around.

You can't yell at it and expect it to listen.

I have been...

It will end when it ends!

You just have to live with it.

There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Whose damn dog is this?!

I said, whose damn dog is this?!

He's trapped inside.

All the windows are rolled up.

It's... it's, like, 90 degrees out here!

Okay, okay... it is nobody's damn dog.

Then I guess nobody's going to mind if I just do this!

Oh... don't be scared, little doggy.

Oh, no.

Everything's going to be o...

Oh, poor thing.

Okay, I got it.

I was hoping I could deliver a baby in a taxicab or something, but... a life is a life.

Oh, now look at you.

Huh? How did you get like this?

There you go, pal.

I'm impressed.

You actually have a working first-aid kit.

We used to, but my brother ate all the Band-Aids.

I think you'll live.

You know, I was thinking, maybe sometime we can do something.

It'd be cool if...

You're from Canada?!

We're here on vacation.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because then you would have spent the whole day grousing.

I knew this was too good to be true.

I mean, why should I get to meet someone who's smart, funny, not a Krelboyne, not a member of my family?

But we did meet, Malcolm, and it was awesome.

You know, it's okay to enjoy something even if it's just for a little while.

Come on, we had fun.

No, we didn't.

You just said we did.

That was before I knew this was all a big waste of time.

Doogie, come back to the car, honey.

Bobby, get a move on, sport.

Malcolm! Reese! Move!

I got to go.

Just pull out, Hal.

I am waiting my turn.


Malcolm! Here's my phone number!

Call me!

That... was so much fun!

Who would have thought a traffic jam would be so cool?

We should totally do this again.

When are we going on another road trip?

Oh, how about next week?

See you, kid.

Bye, Santa!

Hi, Mom.

Dewey, where's the babysitter?

She went away.

You got rid of another babysitter?

What is wrong with you kids?

Then I drove off with a potato chip man.

Then I picked apples.

Then we all went to jail. Then I played the...