Malcolm in the Middle S2E13 Script

New Neighbors (2001)

What you looking at?

Reese's report card.

It is much better than last time.


Yeah. This time he used the exact same brand of pen as the teacher to change his grade.

Look at that.

He gave himself a "C" in math instead of an A+.

Yeah, it's subtle.

Nice attention to detail.

He's really learning.

Two months grounded?

Three months scrubbing toilets.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪




My sandwich!

It's mine now.

Moving van!

We've got a moving van next door!

Ooh, espresso-maker.

Leather couch... I'm thinking upscale professional.

Well, if they're living here, they haven't managed their money very well.

Families keep moving in and out of that house.

I wonder why.


Maybe the house is haunted.

Table saw!

No, Hal. No borrowing.

We have a clean slate with these people.

We're going to behave.

I want to have one person on this earth who can pick up the mail.

Your mother's right.

Doesn't hurt to have allies on the block, especially allies with a pool.

We just got to make sure we get to them before the Reeds can poison them against us.

Or the McCartys.

Or the Whitfords.

We definitely need to get to them before the Whitfords.

I see Mrs. Schneider circling.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!


When you men are done here, I expect to see each and every one of you on the parade ground practicing your close order drill.

But, sir, we just did close order drill.

Is that what that was?

It looked like physical therapy at a head trauma ward.

Sir, we've been cleaning and drilling for 36 hours.

I think, by law, we're supposed to be allowed to sleep.

Why are we doing this?

Well, this was supposed to be a surprise, but I can no longer contain my excitement.

Marlin Academy is about to be visited by one of the last living heroes.

Gentlemen, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North, United States Marine Corps, Retired, is coming here to give you a motivational speech.

Sir, isn't he a convicted felon?

That conviction was overturned.

So was mine, but I'm still stuck here.

Well, if you had a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, two Purple Hearts, and a nationally syndicated radio call-in show, then maybe you could have had a deal.

But since you don't... you can shut your piehole!

This is nice, Tina.

You didn't have to barbecue.

Well, you're the first neighbors to come by and say hello.

Well, that's not surprising.

I don't want to speak ill of anybody and I won't say who, but some of our neighbors are prone to paranoid fantasies.

Oh, yeah, don't get me started on the stories.

Hal... Yeah.

So, what's there to do around here?

Well, there's a pothole we like to jump with our bikes.

They filled it.

There's a dead squirrel we like to poke at.

That should be good for a few more days.

And there's always the dried-up creek and the flooded park.

Boy, if it wasn't for that squirrel, my life would be really pathetic.

Wait, wait, you, you only flipped 'em once?

I feel every patty has a moment.

See, I always rush it.

Factor in the fat content, Hal.

Hey, do you have a good doctor?

Why, is something wrong?

Well, neck pain.

Or back pain.

Whatever will get him to write the prescription.

No, I'm sorry. My doctor's honest.

Too bad.

I'll let you know if I find one.

I wouldn't stare at him like that. He'll get angry.

No, he won't. He's friendly.

Tell that to the kid he ate.

What kid?

That's why we had to move.

Didn't you read about it in the newspaper?


Just as well.

Pictures were really gruesome.

I did it. I did it!

See? I told you you could.

Can I have another burger? Malcolm spit on mine.


Malcolm, why would you do such a thing? But I didn't...

Yeah, yeah, here.

There. Now beat it.

Why are you staring at me?

What, do you want a chip?

Ow! Cut it out!

Ow! What are you doing?!

Stop it!

I think there are some briquettes in one of these boxes.

Is this heaven?

Wow, look at this collection.

Oh, Doobie Brothers, King Crimson.

Oh, Cheap Trick... hello!

You like vinyl?

Oh, yeah.

Check this out.

Is that a Shirendorff 1280 turntable?


Why did you say I spit on your burger?

Don't worry about it.

Want to see something funny?

Hey, quit staring at my mom's chest.

What? I'm not.

Malcolm, knock it off! But I-I wasn't...

Aah, get away from me!

Aah! Get away from me!

Your daughter is biting my son.

Oh, no, they're just playing.

Ow! It hurts! It hurts! Mommy!

Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're going to have to open your mouth and let go of my son.

What are you doing?

Just a little trick I picked up.

How dare you touch my daughter.

She was gnawing on my son.

If you're not going to control her...

Are you questioning my parenting?

I don't know. I haven't seen it yet.

How nice. This from a woman raising a pervert.

Where was he supposed to look?

You got 'em laid out like a couple eggs on a plate.

I wasn't... Emily, Josh, I don't want you playing with these awful children anymore.

Hey, my...! Well, they may be awful, but they're a hell of a lot better than your two brats.

♪ Whoa! Cherokee People! ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Cherokee Tribe... ♪

A little help?

This is nice.

Yeah. You know, you may not believe this, but you're the first neighbor friend I've ever had.

No way. Yeah.

In fact, you're the first guy who's ever been back here that didn't work for the power company.

Actually, I have a confession to make.

I don't have many male friends myself.

To friendship.

To friendship.

I'm straight.

Me, too.

Malcolm, what's going on?

Get away. I'm not talking to you.

Why? What'd I do?

You keep telling lies about me.

Come on, man. It's just a joke.

I-I didn't know you were so sensitive.

Excuse me.

My friend here thinks you're really pretty.

No, I don't, I mean...

Come on, Malcolm, just tell her.

Okay, maybe then you'll stop following her around everywhere.

I am telling you, it is not healthy.

Aah! Your mom said to stay away from us!

Damn it!

Damn it, Hector, not over there!

Are you deaf or stupid or both?!

Could you please try to be a little less useless?

Where is the sun?

Do you see the sun?!

I told you to dig the holes over there!

El sol?!

God, you people drive me nuts with your laziness!

What is the matter with you?!

Excuse me?

You can't talk to him like that!

He's a human being.

You talk to him like he's some kind of animal.

I will deal with the help the way I want to.

He is not "the help."

He's not a servant or a slave.

He's a professional.

He's a person with a skill-- a skill you do not have, which is why you hired him!

Oh, for God's sake, just pick it up!

Who does that woman think she is?

Suddenly fake boobs and $50 highlights allow you to treat other people like dirt?

I tell you, Hal, they are officially the worst neighbors we've ever had.

Worst neighbors?

Honey, that's not really fair to Mike.

Remember the 70-year-old swingers?

Dad, they're horrible.

Look at what their little piranha did to me.

Every time I go outside, Emily's there, lying in wait.

Yeah, and that kid Josh keeps making up all these weird lies about me.

He told the whole school that I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five.

Their gnome wants to eat me.

It's evil.

They're all evil, sweetie.

I think the word everyone is tiptoeing around is "feud."

That's a bit drastic, Reese.

No, Dad, a feud is just what this family needs.

Having a common enemy will hone our skills and unite us in a brotherhood of blood.

Look, all I'm saying is that, before we judge them, maybe we should take a long, hard look at ourselves.

Oh, never mind.


No! No! No!

Do you think Colonel North is going to be impressed by such a sloppy group of cadets?

Now, we are going to do this and keep doing it until you get it right!

All right, now, once more.

With feeling.


♪ Candy Man ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Candy Man ♪

♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪

♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪

♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two ♪

♪ Candy Man ♪

♪ Candy Man ♪

♪ Oh, the Candy Man can ♪

♪ The Candy Man can ♪

♪ The Candy Man can ♪

♪ 'Cause he mixes it with love ♪

♪ And makes the world taste good ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ The Candy Man makes ♪

♪ Everything he bakes ♪

♪ Satisfying and delicious ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do... ♪

♪ Talk about your childhood wishes ♪

♪ You can even eat the dishes. ♪

She's out there.


Emily-- the Demon Child.

She's everywhere.

No matter where I go or what I do, she's there.

I'm going crazy.

Aren't you the one who wanted a feud?

Malcolm, you know I don't think things through.

How am I supposed to fight her?

I can't hit her.

I can't do anything to her, and she knows it.

I'm completely defenseless.

Reese, she's four.

You're bigger and smarter than...

Well, you're bigger.

Malcolm, would you come out here, please?

Malcolm, these people would like a word with you.

We've had a report that you've been seen prowling in the neighbors' yards and peeking in their windows.


So you've decided to become a Peeping Tom?

A Peeping Tom?!

But I didn't do it.

Why would I want to look in anybody's windows?

Have you seen the people in this neighborhood?

Peeping isn't about looks, son.

It's about the thrill and exhilaration of observing someone without their knowledge.

You still have to go to Dayton?

Yeah, but it's only a couple of days.

How was your presentation?

Oh, great. Your joke killed.

Look at us.

We've been reduced to sneaking around at night.

A man should be able to talk to his best friend in daylight.

Did you say "best"?

I should go.

This has been going on for days.

I can't believe everybody fell for Josh's stupid lie.

Maybe if I just ignore it for a while, it'll go away.

People have short memories, right?

♪ Late at night, when you're sleeping ♪

♪ That's when Malcolm ♪

♪ Comes a-peeping ♪

♪ You better watch out ♪

♪ You better beware ♪

♪ Or Malcolm will see your underwear. ♪ What are you doing? Where did you learn that?

At school.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Malcolm's at your bedroom door ♪

♪ Five, six, seven... ♪

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?!

These are our hedges!

This is the property line!

The property line! The property line!

You can't cross the property line!

I can see you!

Don't think you can hide from me!

What don't you come out here and apologize to me like an adult?!


Oh, that's real mature.

Don't think you can get rid of me so easy!


That's the way you want it to be?

You'll get these back when you fix my hedges!

What's going on?

We're on our fifth rendition of "Candy Man."

Where is Spangler?

He says he's not ready.

What's he trying to do?

Make a fashionable entrance?

North's been waiting for dinner for 45 minutes.

He's going to fill up on cheese and crackers.


Are you all right, sir?

I am a little under the weather.

You're drunk, sir.

That could be why.

I was a tad nervous about Colonel North's visit.

I thought that a little nip of something might help.

That, and seven or eight belts of Scotch.

Let's get you dressed.

And attached.

The man is a national hero.

He has done so many things and I have done so little.

I don't deserve to breathe the same air as that great man.

Don't talk like that, sir.


I'm a worm.

Cadet, I'm a worm.

I belong on the floor with the other worms.

Sir, get up.

Sir, please stop wriggling.


Look, we just sneak over the fence, plant the stolen goods under Josh's window, and make an anonymous phone call to the police from Stevie's house.

Yeah, I know it's stupid, but I'm too desperate to care.

Are you sure this is going to work?

If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name.

You can only ruin someone else's.

Yeah, but... Trust me.

I've thought of everything.

Everyone's going to think Josh is a thief.

His parents are going to be tied up in court and Emily's going to be thrown in a foster home where she'll bite her foster parents, who will then leave her at a rest stop somewhere, and she can spend the rest of her life biting hillbillies on the interstate.


My God, you people are handsome.

Dios mío!

Oh, oh!

Oh, you little monsters!

He's teaching me to swim.

I can't believe after all he put us through, Spangler ends up getting drunk and standing up the colonel.

Yeah, that was creepy the way he was wriggling around on the floor like that, calling for his mother.

I'll go check on him.


Who's there?

Uh, just me, sir.

What time is it?

Colonel North should be here any minute.

It's morning, sir.

You, you already missed reveille.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

The one chance I had to be face-to-face with my hero, and I slept through his visit?

Slept through his visit, sir?

You guys were up all night talking.

We did?

Yeah, you really hit it off.

He told you to call him Ollie.

Really? Don't you remember?

You two were joking and laughing like old friends.

And drinking Scotch, lots and lots of Scotch.

Yes, we did, didn't we?

If I may say so, sir, you were the happiest I have ever seen you.

Well, you may... you may.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get myself ready.

Dude, that was classy.


So when do we get back the pictures of him in the negligee?


Poster size takes two days.

Hey, I'm really sorry about you and Tina.

What's this?

A mix tape.


Hi, neighbor. Steve Jenkins.

Sorry, Steve.

It's just too soon for me.