Malcolm in the Middle S2E15 Script

The Grandparents (2001)

Great pancakes, Dad.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, who's ready for seconds?

I am.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

So, which one of these pinks do you want to let float this month-- cable or Visa?

Oh, we can probably go without cable.

You know, it might be fun.

We'll get together as a family, play board games, sing songs.

Okay, you made your point.

We'll pay the cable.

Oh... for crying out loud.

The freezer's out again.


We just had that fixed.

I know, the stupid piece of junk.


It's only five years old.

How could it keep breaking down?

Aw, man!

I'll go get the ice chest from the garage, providing that still works.



We'll let Mom settle this.

The loser licks the tub drain. Deal.

Mom, whose tongue's longer?

Are you going to make us stand out here all day?!

Mom! Dad!

Oh, my God, honey!

Your parents are here!

Oh, God.

Dewey, your grandparents are here.

Hey, come on in.

So, this is certainly unexpected.

What brings you all the way down from Canada?

Wait a minute, this can't be Reese.


Uh, what's the matter with you?

Don't you clean behind your ears?

Look what I found!

Ha-ha, five bucks!

Thanks, Grandpa.

So, Grandpa, did you have a nice drive down?

Huh? I said, did you have a nice drive down?

I can't hear this one. He sounds like girl.

So, you just decided to hop in the car and drive on down from Canada without calling ahead, huh?

How fun!

Yeah, how long do you think you'll be staying?

If we're such big inconvenience, we go right now.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Please... Don't be silly.

Uh, Dewey, you remember your grandparents, don't you, sweetie?

He needs changing.

He always needs changing.

You take him.

Ooh, let him sit in it.

That will teach him.

I don't want to take him; he smells.

Ooh, that's what happens to little boys who squirm.


It's estimated that as many as 30,000 young people have descended on New Orleans to join in the annual Mardi Gras festivities.

At this hour police have been called in to try and...

Look at those animals going berserk, tearing each other's clothes off.

Those are people with no respect for authority.

Eric's right, that could be us.

If we left right now we could be in New Orleans in five hours.

How we going to get there?

And where are we going to stay?

Gentlemen, you quibble with me about logistics when I'm offering you 48 hours of non-stop debauchery?

This could be the greatest weekend of our lives.

Damn, Francis, you should have known better than to eat sushi at a truck stop.

Hey, the cashier said the yellowtail was fresh.

Besides, my octopus was excellent.

Can we not talk about the fish, please?

Guys, it's like a war zone out there.

There's looting, rioting, and now the cops are turning a fire hose on the crowd.

Wet T-shirts!

Sorry about the takeout.

I don't know what the deal is with the fridge.

What do you expect?

That brand is dishufka.

That's it.

Fatten up on pizza.

Good luck running when they come with the dogs and chase you into the hills.

You know, I think it's great you're able to just hit the road without a care in the world.

Oh... right... yeah, with me I'm always thinking about things back home.

You know, did I leave the stove on?

Is the iron plugged in?

I once heard of a fire being caused by a mouse chewing through an...

Where is my coffee?

Uh, it's right here, Dad, just the way you like it.

Mom, I really wish you'd put out that cigarette.

It's not good for the kids.

What, you think it'll stunt their growth?

You turned out big enough.

Look at him eat, like animal!

Not like Mr. Pizza with knife and fork.

You know, Dad, since the last time you were here, uh, Malcolm has been put into a special class.

I'm not surprised.

No, no, no, no, no, it's, uh, it's an advanced class.

It's very challenging work.

Tell him, Malcolm.

Well, today we finished reading Grapes of Wrath and we're studying advanced algebra.

What is that, shot at me?

I no study algebra?

It's because I go to war when I was your age.

What good is math in war, huh?

When you can provide for your family, you can have last piece of pizza.

Dad, Hal provides for us just fine.

Which isn't easy when someone's hogging all the pizza.

You can't even keep food in the house for my grandchild.

Do you call that providing?

We will get the refrigerator fixed.

For what, so it can break again?

What does a new one cost?

$700, $800?

I give you $800 to buy a new one!

Thank God our generation knew to save our money, to hold onto.

We didn't fritter it away on things like toys and dolls.

I dressed up piece of wood and I was happy to have it.

We will not take your money.

Of course you will!

We love you too much to stand by and watch your children grow up ashamed of you.

This is what family is for.


Malcolm, listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot tea when we were sick.

Is she around?

I think she's changing the sheets on their bed.

Grandma and Grandpa are here.

Oh, you're kidding.

So, did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?

I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.

Look, don't take it personally.

They're primeval creatures with tiny little hearts.

Yeah, but there must be some reason...

Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains.

They're threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or intelligence.

They'd eat you if they had better teeth.

This one, always on phone.

That's Grandpa, isn't it?

Tell him I said he's a malevolent, poisonous troll.

Francis says, "Hi."

No-good delinquent.

He says "Hi" back.

No, absolutely not.

I will not let you take their money.

Why not?

Because they'll never let you forget that they had to give you $800.

They'll use it to try to humiliate you.

They do that now.

Lois, come on, I know what your folks think of me.

We need the fridge.

We can't store the meat on the porch forever.

I'm big enough to take one for the team.


You're better than all of us.


Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!

We can't do this on Dewey's bed.

Reese's looks okay.

Thank you.


Do you know this thing makes ice cubes in both circular and crescent shapes?

How do they expect people to decide?

Well, it's nice to have something in the house that works.


You know, maybe in their dark, twisted world, this is how your parents show love.

Hey, Victor, pretty great, huh?

My descending colon's inflamed.

What's great?

Uh, listen, Dad, I just mailed off the mortgage and car payments, and what with buying the new refrigerator and all, we should probably get that check from you right away.

About that... your mother and I decided it's no good for family to give money to family.

Always ends badly.


Who buys orange juice with pulp?

How can they do this?!

How can they just offer us money and then pretend it never happened?

I am going to kill them.

I swear I'm going to snap their necks like chickens!

That is not going to pay off the debt, Lois.

Unless you're a beneficiary on some sort of life insurance policy.

What am I saying?

Look, look, why don't we just return the refrigerator?

I can't. I bought it on sale.

Oh, Hal, what are we going to do?

Well, what choice do we have?

For the next couple of weeks, until we get caught back up, we're just going to have to work a ton of overtime.

Oh, really?

And who's going to look after the kids?

So, we thought the perfect thing might be if you could stay a little longer and keep an eye on the kids.

I don't know.

Mother and I should go.

We sense tension.


Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no, there's no, there's no tension.

We just, uh, we have a couple of hectic weeks coming up and we just hoped that you could stay a little longer.

Of course.

We do anything for you.

We are a family.

Oh, Dewey, hey, guess what.

Grandma and Grandpa are going to stay and watch you guys for the next couple of weeks.

How you doing, Francis?

I need a doctor.

We got you something better, man.

We brought you beads!

You wouldn't believe it out there, Francis.

There's free beer and the women take their tops off when you give them beads.

Is it possible we crashed our car on the way down here and died and went to heaven?

I'd welcome death right now.

I can't believe this is you talking, Francis.

You're our leader.

If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't even be here.

You know what?

You're right.

This is Mardi Gras.

I can do this.

Yeah. All right.

Give me those beads.

Yeah! Come on!

Francis! Francis!

Francis! Francis! Francis!

Thank God we found a hotel with a drain in the hallway.

We're back.

Still no parents?

If you're going to work all the time, don't have children.

Hey, I wanted ice cream. I don't blame you.

Why do they always do that?

They take you for ice cream and stuff and never ask me.

I've thought about that.

And I think they see me as the protector of the bloodline.

If the future's half as bad as Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are going to be mutants, cockroaches and me... all living underwater.

Let's face it: they're backing a winner.

Oh, man, I'm stuffed.

I shouldn't have had a second one.

Are you okay, Grandma?

'Cause I could carry your purse for you.

Or maybe your whiskey.

I once strangled a border guard with my bare hands.

Just asking.

So, I studied about your country in school.

Always with the books.

You won't be happy till you get eye cancer.

No, really.

I found the folklore very interesting.

And the history, the wars, the revolution.

It must've been very hard for you growing up.

It was.

Very hard.

Have a snort.

Maybe later.

Hey, look at the mama's boy.

You going to take that? What?

Hey, you boys!

Come back here and say that.

Grandma, what are you doing?

Who's this? Your 90-year-old bodyguard?

No, no, it's okay.

She's kidding.

Nushkaya zibhat shinka!



Oh, geez.

I don't know why you won't tell me who did this.

You know, there's no honor in protecting a bully.

Okay, it's your face.

Mom, do you...?

Do you like your parents?

It doesn't matter how I feel about them.

It's not like I can trade them in for someone else.

You can't pick your parents.

You're pretty much stuck with who you get.

I know.

Anyway, they're certainly not going to change.

If things get too difficult, at least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.

Back to their own home?


That's what I meant.

Never thought I'd beat you home.

They had us keep both registers open till midnight.

What kind of idiot needs a beach ball at 11:00 at night?

Did you make the kids' lunches?

Oh, right. No, not yet.

I've been kind of tied up here.

You know, I discovered something kind of interesting, yeah.

Now, it appears the circular cubes cool quicker, but the crescent ones last longer.

Oh, for God's sake, Hal, will you quit playing around?

That is a rectal thermometer.

I'm going to go brush my teeth.

You know, I ask you to do one simple thing.

I can't do it all myself, you know?


Are you upset about something?

Look, I'm tired. I just got off a double shift.

I want to go to bed.


You just seemed a little snappish about the cubes.

Because I'm tired of you not helping out around here.

All right, Lois.

I know we're both a little raw from the last five days, but that's no reason to dump your frustration with your parents onto me.

On you? Oh, yes.

Because that's what this is all about.

You're angry at them and you're displacing your anger onto me.

I mean, it is classic.

Oh, I'm displacing, am I?

Kind of like how you're focusing all your attention on that monstrosity in the kitchen?

See, I knew it!

You don't like the refrigerator.

I hate that refrigerator.

I hate its tubular handles.

I hate the way it keeps the butter.

I hate that, when I'm trying to sleep, I can hear it whirring.

Oh, no, you can't.

Yes, yes, I can.

No. Not the 5100.

That motor housing is four layers thick, Lois.

Four layers.

And it keeps things too cold.

That is unfounded criticism, Lois.

Unfounded and unfair.

And until you apologize, I will be in the garage.

I told you there was tension.

Hey, Grandma.

Grandpa wanted to know if you could...


What was that for?

See, you not even try to defend yourself.

Why are you so weak?

I wasn't expecting for you to hit me.

That's what they're counting on when they kick down your door in the middle of the night. Ow!

Grandma, stop this.

Come on, show me what you got. Come on, come on.

Grandma, I'm not going to hit you.

A kid should never have to say that.

So how you going to fight these people when they throw you in the truck and take you away?

You going to read to them?

You going to impress them to death with your giant know-it-all brain?


Look, I'm smart, okay? That's who I am.

And if you don't like the fact that I'm taking high school math classes and reading great books, well, too bad.

Because I'm going to be successful and maybe even rich because I am smart, okay?

So just leave me alone.

And I'm going to be just fine!



I warned you about the eyes.

What's this about?

I want to show you something.

Something just for you.

I have waited many years for this moment, but now that you are old enough, I want to give you something close to my heart.

Wow, is this stuff real?

From the big war.

Wow, is this a real gas mask?

Gas mask, yes.

Field glasses... chocolate K-rations.

You get yourself nice girl with this, I tell you.

This is so awesome, Grandpa.

You're the best.

This is so cool.

God in heaven!


This is live grenade!

Do not let go of handle or we both die.

I don't want to die!

Don't worry, you won't.

All we have to do is find, find the pin.

Find the pin, put the pin back in, and then everything will fine.

Quit crying like baby.

What's going on?

Grandpa gave me a live grenade.

It's really cool. You want to hold it?

No, no, no. It's for you, not him.

Oh, my God, we have to call the police.

No, no police.

No police, please.

There's no reason to panic.

Yes, there is.

You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot.

He's right, I am.

I don't think I should have it anymore. Here.

No, you hold on to that.

No, I'm tired of this game.

I think what I really want to do is go lie down now.



What was that?

What was what?

What happened here?!

We can't be sure.

Grandpa gave me a live grenade and it was going to blow and I didn't mean to drop it.

But Malcolm threw it in the fridge.

You gave my son a live grenade?

You brought live ammunition into this house?

What is the matter with you people?!

Are you completely insane?!

You don't ever talk to us like that, do you hear me?

Vuschka robotisch ber doya kraup.

Mom, I-I...

I just... I-I just mean that...

All right, all right.

Lois, take the boys in the other room.

But, Hal... Now.

Come on.

Why don't we sit down?

First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love.

That's not my place.

And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years.

But let me take a stab at it anyway.

$3,000 sound okay to you? What?

Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed on my car.

Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Please, I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear.

With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment.

So... this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan.

It's blackmail.

It's like your brother Vasclev all over again.

Come on, Francis. We got to hit the road or we're not going to make bed check.

I don't care.

I came all the way to New Orleans, I got all these beads...

I'm not leaving until I get some action.

Now, if you don't mind, I need the room.

Okay, I'm good.