Malcolm in the Middle S2E16 Script

Traffic Ticket (2001)

Here are the house rules:

You can't reach for seconds until you're finished with your first, but as soon as anybody's fork leaves the perimeter of their plate, all bets are off.

It's mine!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

You're all set, Mrs. Gunderberg.

Remember, this is the one you take orally.

I can do what I want, because I'm older!

Stop pushing me! Ow! Shut up, Dewey!

Stop touching me! I was not!

Yes, you were! Stop it!

Hey, guys. My shift is over in five minutes.

Then we head over to the barber college.

Why can't we go to a real barber?

Because I like to support education.

Besides, it's free.

Are they going to take my hair and plant an evil Dewey?

Honey, we've already had this talk.

Every word that comes out of Reese's mouth is a lie, remember?

Ah! Okay, go look at some magazines.

And anything you break comes out of your allowance.

We don't get an allowance.

Yeah, now you know why.

I'm going to ask the barber to shave this side totally off and leave the other side long.

You know, a style for each profile.

A different look for both my moods.

How's it going? Not bad.

In five minutes I get my soul back for the night. And you?

Can't complain.

That's $6.24.

I-I'm... I'm sorry. What?

Your total is $6.24.

Uh, is there a problem?

No, it's just that, uh... your assistant manager and I we have an arrangement.

I wouldn't know anything about that.

I've only got $3.00.

Well, you can put back the magazine.

Lois, Lois... I give Officer Stockton a discount.

You know, policeman's discount?

100% off?

Craig, I can't do that.

But, Lois...

Don't worry about it. It's okay, Greg.

It's "Craig."

What are you, crazy?

Don't you know how this works?

We scratch his back, he scratches ours?

We give him a few candy bars, he looks out for us.

It's called protection.

Craig, we have been robbed five times in the last six months.

Lois, think of all the places he gets free stuff from.

He can't be everywhere at once.

Mom, seriously, I'm not letting that kid with two fingers cut my hair again.

That's all you need to use scissors.

And you be polite.

Those people are nervous enough as it is.

Oh, what?

I didn't do anything!

Make a run for it, Mom.

We can be on the news.

All right, you boys, not a word out of any of you.

No one makes piggy sounds, no one says they smell bacon, and no one claims to be kidnapped.


License and registration, please.

What's this all about?

You impeded traffic.

When you pulled out, that Volkswagen had to slam on its brakes.

What Volkswagen?

I looked over to my left when I pulled out.

There was no car.

License and registration, ma'am.

All right.

Don't think I don't know what this is all about.

It's 'cause I made you pay for that ice tea.

Oh, was that you?

Now, you just sit tight.

I got to do some paperwork, run a computer check.

It may take a little while.

The computer's kind of slow.

Yeah, well, knock yourself out.

My record is clean.

There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets.

The computer's wrong!

You are not getting away with this!

Hey, Mom, is this a bad time to tell you I got kicked out out of shop class?

I mean, it seems to pale in comparison.

Chin up, Lois.

I'll make sure the boys get home.

I'll wait for you.

I want you boys to behave for Craig.

And, Dewey, don't be frightened.

Mama's going to be okay.

Can you turn on your siren?



Come on, honey.

You got to admit it was kind of sexy-- me having to bail you out of jail.

Well, it was sexy for me.

Oh, yeah, Hal, it was a real turn-on sitting there wondering how my children were doing, what horrible things are going through their heads knowing that their mother is sitting in jail.

Hey, Mom, did you get tattooed?

I don't understand.

How could we get 16 parking tickets and not even know about it?

Mom, just calm down!

I was in jail, Francis! Jail!

All because you didn't pay your parking tickets!

How could you have gotten 16 parking tickets?!

It's not my fault. You keep me stuck here.

When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.

You listen, mister-- your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up with you, and you are going to suffer the consequences!

You are paying those parking tickets!

You know, Mom, jail has really hardened you.

I'm serious, Francis, you are paying us back that money for those tickets plus $145 to get the car out of impound.

That means you owe us $747.13.

This is totally unfair!

None of this would have happened if you weren't such a reckless driver.

Excuse me?

When I parked too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anybody's life.

I didn't endanger anyone.

I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit.

Oh, but when I tell you I've been framed by the police, you send me to military school.

Ironic, isn't it?

That cop was out to get me.

Of course he was.

Everyone's out to get you.

And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader.

Didn't you know that?

Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis, but until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.

Where am I supposed to get $700?

You're just using this as an excuse to keep me here.

Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Mom, there's no way Francis can come up with that kind of money.

Which is what he should have thought of before he did that bad, bad thing.

Honey, don't worry about a thing.

Everything's going to be fine.

Francis will think of something.

I hear they've made traffic school really fun.

They have cooking traffic school, bowling traffic school.

Remember when I took that comedy traffic school?

I mean, God, that was hilarious.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister come to a four-way stop...

I am not taking traffic school.

Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point on your license.

I'm not getting a point on my license because I'm taking this to court.

I did nothing wrong and I've got three eyewitnesses to prove it.

They saw exactly what happened.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey.

Exactly what you said, Mom.

You're right, Mom. Right.

See, Hal, it's a clear case of entrapment.

The cop doesn't get his free ice tea so he trumps up a cockamamy ticket.

Well, we're going to fight this.

Well, honey, let's think about this a second.

You know it's going to be your word against his, and judges usually side with the police.

Yeah, that's what he's counting on.

That's why he thinks he can get away with lying.

Well, I'm not going to let him

'cause I know I'm right.

I know that, honey, but what if something does go wrong?

I mean, I'm not sure we can afford the bump in the insurance.

I am not going to lose.

I'm in the right and I'll find a way to prove it.

Okay, okay, if that's what you want to do.

You have our total support.

Just remember, Mom, in a world of lies, truth is your only weapon.

What? It's not?

Thank you.

Howdy, ma'am.

How was jail?

Fine, thank you.

Shouldn't you be out planting drugs on someone?

Yes, I was planning to go do that right after I pay full price for my ice tea.

I'm fighting the ticket, you know.

Well, then, I look forward to seeing you in court.

Drive safely... whenever you get your car back.

There is no way that cop could have seen me pull out.


Mom, great news.

Francis, I'm a little busy here.

Okay, here it is.

I just sent you $20 good-faith money...

Great. Only $727 more before you can come home.


Francis, I am not going to let you weasel out of your responsibility.

Because of you, we are down to one car until your father's next paycheck.

Now, you either come up with the money or you don't come home.

Mom, it's impossible. I'm in school.

When I'm not in school, I have homework.

When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention.

If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week.

At minimum wage I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.

You bring the yams.

He'll find the money.

Hey, do you know where Craig is?

Your assistant manager?

Big guy, smells like cabbage?


Uh-uh, it's not there.

Keep looking...


Craig, Mom said you can give me a ride to study group.

Sure, sure.

What are you doing?

I was, uh, uh, reviewing some old security tapes.

You know, looking for a pattern.

See if anyone was casing the joint.

You can't be too careful.

Hey, that girl's stealing something.

Oh, I, I didn't notice that.

I'd better review her other tapes, then.

Wait. Are there cameras all over this place?

Oh, yeah, they're everywhere: pharmacy, ATM, the bath...

Uh, yep, lot of cameras.

Is there one in the parking lot?


What is it?

That girl dropped a can under her car.


Wait! Stop!

There's our van.

She did it.

She's guilty.

Mom's... wrong.

Oh, my God.

Mom's wrong.

My whole worldview is shaken.

I know. This is amazing.

We have to go show it to her.

Wait, maybe we should save it for the next time Mom yells at us, then spring it on her.

No, I think it's better fresh.

Okay, let's go. Wait, we need to keep a straight face.

Okay, okay.

I'm ready.

No, I'm not.

Stop smiling.

Come on...

Hey, honey.

God, it's been a great day.

The fire alarm went off during the morning meeting, and I got the last Snickers out of the vending machine.

I did not think it was going to fall, but then I gave it a little hip check-- boom!

Who is Susan King?


Susan King.

Hmm, Susan King.

Give me a moment.


All right, before I say anything, do you know already or are you really asking?

She called today with some insurance quotes in case I get a point on my license.

Why would she do that?

It was nothing.

I just gave her a little phone call.

Curious about a few things.

Like what will happen if I lose?

Well, yes, yes, I just wanted to find out what the worst-case scenario might be.

I mean, what if...

There are no "what ifs," Hal!

You're right.

You are right.

Right, okay.

So, I mean, even if our insurance does go up and we can't afford two cars, we'll just sell one.

I mean, you know, what did they do before cars?

They, uh, they walked, so we'll walk.

You're expecting me to lose.

Is this how you support me?

I do support you.

I'm just-- I think we need to know what we're getting into here.

I mean, I don't know.

Is, is it actually worth all the trouble?

Yes, Hal.

I think standing up for myself is worth the trouble!

I think refusing to be railroaded is worth the trouble!

I know I can win this because I know I'm right!

I can't believe you have so little faith in me!

I have complete faith in you.

It's the rest of the world that I don't have faith in.

Things could look different to different people.

The system can be corrupt.

We wouldn't be in this situation if that weren't true.

And sometimes, Lois, being right isn't enough.

Being right is everything.

I didn't do anything wrong, Hal, and I'm willing to fight to prove it.

I know it's going to be hard.

But that's why the last thing I need is my own family undermining me.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I'm right, I'm right.

I swear on my children's lives, I am right!

What do you want?


I can't believe you chickened out.

Me? You're the one who disappeared.

Oh, so now we're playing the blame game.

Look, we know Mom is going to freak out on whoever shows her the tape...

Not it. Maybe someone could mail it to her anonymously...

Not it. Okay, fine, but I'm going to need...

Not it.

Look... someone has to be the person...

Not it. Who doesn't give it to her.

I'm it.



Let me get this straight:

We each pay you $50 and you're going to jump from the roof of the dorm to the roof of the gym on the school's riding lawnmower.

Who's in?

Are we talking with the bagger attachment?

Are you crazy?

You know what kind of drag that would create?

I don't know.

It just sounds too easy.

Okay, okay, how about this:

For five extra dollars, I'll do it blindfolded.

Francis, phone.

Give it some thought.


Hey, Francis.

You know Mom's traffic ticket?

Well, I have a videotape, and it shows that Mom really was at fault, and...

She was wrong?

Yeah, and now I'm trying to figure...

What are you talking to me for?

You have incontrovertible proof that Mom was wrong.

Shove it in her face.

Francis, I don't think that's a good idea.

Are you kidding? It's brilliant.

From now on, whenever she gets all high-and-mighty with us, we can just throw this back at her.

Francis, I can't.

If I show Mom this tape, she'll go crazy and then she'll kill the messenger, which is me.

You're asking me to commit suicide.

And think of the look on her face!

We thought it would be best if we showed it to you first.

Well, I can't say that I'm glad you did, but I-I guess you did the right thing.

Someone should show it to her.

Not it. Dad!

Okay, but we need to ease her into this.

Pick the right moment.

This is a very delicate matter.


Come on, come on, come on, come on...

I swear, that cop was following me on the way home.

Oh, come on, Lois.

I don't think he'd follow you.

I'm sure he's got better things to do.

What do you think you're doing here?

My commander informed me that you made a request for my records, which, of course, is your right, so I thought I'd take a drive over and deliver them to you myself.

Nice house.

Don't you try to intimidate me.

All I said was you have a nice house.

First you follow me home and now you're making vague threats?

Well, it's not going to work.

You are going to be so sorry you messed with me.

Have a nice evening, ma'am.

You are going down, mister.

You hear me?!

You are going down!

I don't care how long it takes or how much money it costs!

I'm going to win because I am right!

There's something you have to see.

Honey, I'm sorry you had to see that, but it's best you found out now before it's too late.

It's wrong.


The tape is wrong.


You heard your mother.

The tape... is...

Oh, man!


Look, I'm not stupid.

I saw the tape.

But it's wrong.

I don't know how to explain it, but I know.

I know that tape is wrong.

I believe you. No, you don't.

Well, what do you expect?

I expect you to believe me.

Lois, in the past 20 years you have never admitted that you were wrong.

And as far as I know, you've never needed to.

But the facts are right there in front of your eyes, and this time you are wrong.

And if you can't see that, well, that's just plain crazy.

I am not crazy.

The tape is wrong. It has to be.

Well, wha-what are you saying, that someone doctored it?

No, I...

I, I-I know... I know it wasn't doctored.

I'm just saying that it's wrong.

I know what happened, and I know that I'm right.

Okay, honey, that may be, but me and the rest of the world tend to believe what we see, and everything is pointing to you being wrong.

The universe is telling you to give up.

It's time to let it go.

Well, that's not fair.

You know what's not fair, Lois?

Having to be right all the time.

That's a terrible burden.

Wouldn't it be a relief just to let go?

You want me to say that I'm wrong even when I know I'm right?

Yes, yes, that's exactly what I want.

I know it doesn't happen very often, Lois, but you have been beaten.

Let go.

But I am right.

Let go, honey. But I...

Just once.

Can you do that?

Let go.

That's it.

Aw, see?


Okay, can you say it?

I was... wrong.

That's right.

You see, it's not so bad.


You'll go to traffic school and meet some nice people, maybe hear a couple good car jokes.


Everything is...

Everything's going to be all right, okay?

Everything's going to be all right.

Oh, I am so proud of you.

You are so great.

You are so beautiful.

You are so wrong.

How many times have I told you people don't leave the refrigerator open!

You did it.

Maybe I did.

She's been like this all week.

It's like her spirit's been broken.

It's nice.

Hi, Francis-- about the money...

Okay, look, I've raised 192 bucks, and if I can only...

Look, Francis, I'm sorry I got so angry.

Why don't you just use that money to come home next weekend?


I've got to go to traffic school. Love you. Bye.


Where's Lois, did I miss her?


You guys are not going to believe what I have.

I have a surveillance arrangement with the manager of the mini-mart across the street.

We exchange tapes in order to better understand the security needs of our customers.

"Short skirt, windy day"?

That's code.

Anyhoo, one of their cameras caught Lois from a different angle right before she got her ticket.


Lois was right all along!

This completely exonerates her.

Isn't this great?

What are you doing?

You will never, ever tell her of this.


Ah! Ever.

Got it?