Malcolm in the Middle S2E17 Script

Surgery (2001)

Okay, I think I fixed the leak.

Let me just reattach this here.

Try it now.

Now there's hot water coming out of both taps.


Is that really so bad?

You always complain there's not enough hot water.

It wouldn't kill you to hire a professional every once in a while.

It costs $70 just to get them in the house.

Look, I know my work isn't perfect, but I am saving us a ton of money, and at least the job gets done.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at the door.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

The tension is palpable here at the 8,215th Daily Shaving Olympics.

Hal has lost crucial seconds in his lathering, but he hopes to make it up with his blade work.

This is for the gold.

Hal, boys, breakfast!

Bacon Day!

Dewey, don't be scared, but there's a big spider next to you.

Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.

You know, I'm not feeling that good.

I could give Dad some of mine, but that's not really in the true spirit of Bacon Day.

Mom, my stomach hurts.

So does mine.

I'm not kidding, it's really sore.

Ow! It hurts!

Shut up, Reese.

Mom... I see spots!


All right, that's enough.

I don't care what test you didn't study for or what assignment you didn't do, you're going to school.

You know, now that you mention it...

Everybody's going.

Sir, what are you doing?

Why are you taking away our TV?

It's for your own good, cadet.

But that is the only thing that makes this place bearable.

Television rots the mind, cadet.

How can you focus on your studies and improve your character if your brain is full of your Morks and your Mindys?

Now you'll have time for more worthwhile endeavors.

Write a letter. I'm sure your parole officers will appreciate the personal touch.

Okay, that is ridiculous.

I mean, we should do something.

He's right.

Spangler doesn't get to make arbitrary decisions about our lives.

He can't tell us where to go and what to do.

Oh, wait... he can.

Face it, Francis, we're like prisoners but without the rights.

Okay, so we're helpless.

But even helpless people have options.

History is full of supposedly powerless people who found a way to stand up to their oppressors.

What are you talking about?

Civil disobedience.

You know, like a hunger strike.

We could do that.

I mean, he doesn't want a bunch of starving kids on his hands.

That would totally work.

I don't know.

Isn't that a bit drastic?

Can't we wait till after lunch?

What are we having? Shepherd's pie.

The strike starts now!

Malcolm, why are you walking like that?

My side still hurts.

But it's the weekend.

Okay, everybody get in the car.

We're going to the hospital.

Mom, why does that man have a lightbulb stuck...

Dewey, get away from there.

Dad, you okay?

I'm fine, son.

Just not a big fan of hospitals.

Oh, they can dress it up with plants and pictures, but let's face it, this place is a slaughterhouse.


Okay, we've run some tests.

His white count is 12.2, and with these acute abdominal pains, I'm pretty sure we're looking at appendicitis.

We'll hold him for observation tonight, and then tomorrow he'll probably need surgery.

I'm having surgery?

There's nothing to worry about, son.

You'll barely even have a scar.

If you can just sign these release forms, we'll check him in.

They're going to cut you open?

Like a trout.

Don't worry, you won't feel a thing; you'll be unconscious.

Not necessarily.

I saw this thing on TV where this guy woke up in the middle of his operation and could feel everything they were doing, but he was paralyzed and couldn't even scream.

Reese, for the love of God, stop talking.

Mom... Honey, don't worry about it.

You're going to have your own TV, you're going to have people to wait on you; it's going to be a lot better than being at home.

Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?

I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.

I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.

Dad, do you want to wait out in the car?

No. I'm okay.

I'm fine.

I'm on a beach.

There's the surf, there's sand, there's... needles.

There's the horrible choking stench of hospital antiseptic.



I think I better take your father home.

You'll be okay.

Hey, feel better, sport.

Reese, give your brother a hug.

Aw, Mom.

Do it!

If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'll put you right back in here.


Why did she make him hug me?

Wait. Why did she make him hug me?

Wow, it's sure quiet without Malcolm here.

Poor little guy.

There's an extra pork chop. Mine!

Go ahead. I'm stuffed.

Me, too.

So am I.

I was just hoping someone would fight me for it.

Hey, can we play "March and Conquer"?

That game's no fun.

Malcolm always creams us in, like, five minutes.

Yeah, can we?

I... don't know.


We need at least three people or we can't play.

Oh, all right.

Okay, Lois, let's see how well you defend the Black Sea without Bosporus and the Dardanelles.

Yeah, yeah, just wait.

Wow, it's been an hour and I'm still in the game.

I usually tip the board over way before now.

Guess what?

We look just like the family on the box.

Oh, yeah.

Can I be the little girl?

Not on my watch, son.

You want to play "Go Fish"?

No. I didn't want to play five minutes ago.

I didn't want to play an hour ago.

I don't want to play!

You got any fives?

And this is our inflamed appendix.

The patient arrived today complaining of abdominal pain in the right lower quadrant.


We're going to have to start him on an I.V.


Oh, God.

Not me again.


It'll be fine this time, Cathryn.

Accidents happen.

Can maybe someone else... Helmut will hold him still.

If you feel pain, you can bite down on his hand just as hard as you want.

Helmut won't mind.

How long has it been since we ate?

33 hours, 12 minutes.

Oh, man, they're serving dinner right now.


I found myself eating the last several meals alone.

Are we dieting?

Don't tell me it's prom season already.

We're on a hunger strike, sir.

We're not eating until you return the television.

Ah... passive resistance.

The last resort of slackers and sissies.

What about Gandhi?


We're making a stand here, sir.

We will not back down until we get justice.

Now let me see if I've got this straight.

I get to continue to eat, but you don't.

Ooh, I feel the pressure already.

Ow, make it stop.

♪ ♪

Go, Mom! Nice!

Go, Mom!

Okay, you can do this the easy way and surrender with dignity, or I can destroy you.

You forget, I still have Antarctica, gateway to New Zealand.

You got nothing.

Any roll other than three, and the world is mine.

Three, three, three.


Yeah! Yay! Yes!

Oh, sorry, honey, you tried really hard.

And for a while there, I thought you might actually be...


All right.

Hal, it's after midnight. Rematch.

Set up the board.

I'll do it.

Here he is.


You just keep quiet. You're in good hands.

This is to keep your head still so Mr. Laser can do his job.




Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad. They made me use a bedpan even though I could walk.

They turned off the lights at 6:30 so I couldn't even read.

And last night, some man put a metal cage on my head.

They were going to operate on my brain.


Sweetie, I'm sure it was just a bad dream.

Besides, I'm feeling a lot better now.

I don't even think I need surgery.

It's okay. Surgery makes everybody a little scared.

Trust me, this is going to be over before you know it.

Between the stench of disease and all those waffles, I don't feel very well.

What waffles?

Oh, man, you missed it.

We went to Pancake Pete's.

We never go out to breakfast.

Well, we stayed up late playing March and Conquer, and your mother was too tired to cook.

You guys played March and Conquer without me?

Oh, Malcolm, you didn't miss anything last night.

These guys are a bunch of pushovers.

Pushovers? I held Kamchatka for three hours.

Look, we're going to take the boys home, and then your dad and I will be back in time for your operation, okay?

Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.

Am I?

I'm so hungry.

I think we proved our point.

Guys, this hunger strike will only work if we stick together.

Now, we can do this.

Our stomachs have shrunk.

The hardest part is over.

Good morning, cadets.

I must say, it is inspiring to see young men with the courage to stand up for the things they believe in.

Two whole days.

What an impressive show of civil disobedience.

That's the kind of intestinal fortitude that can only be properly honored by an omelet bar.

Tempting us with food isn't going to work, sir.

Of course not.

These delicious eggs and choice of scrumptious fillings are for me.

Now, here's my dilemma.

What shall I put in my omelet?

Black forest ham?

Imported cheese?

Porcini mushrooms?


Oh, what the heck!

Give me the works.


There's our fallen comrade.

I love Room 124.

When's the... appendix... coming out?

Tonight, but-- I don't know-- I'm feeling better.

Maybe I don't need the operation.

What are you talking about?!

Of course you need the operation!

But what if... Don't you understand?

You're sitting on a gold mine.

Ride the guilt train, baby, as far as it'll take you.

My adenoids got me this watch.

My strangulated testicle got me a week at Disneyland.

I'm one.... procedure... from a...

Range Rover.

Well, we got two hours till we have to go back to the hospital.

You want to order in or eat leftovers?

Well, I'd say "you decide," but then I'd be a pushover, wouldn't I?

What are you talking about?

March and Conquer.

You called me a pushover.

Don't deny it.

Come on, honey, I trounced you.

Just because you got all the good dice rolls and you weren't saddled with Brazil to protect.

A-And I wouldn't call it "trounced."

What would you say?




Get the board.

How are you, Tiger?

I want you to note the bedside manner.

Dr. Harrison, I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to talk to you.

I feeling a lot better now, and my temperature's been down for six hours, and I'm thinking that maybe my first blood test wasn't accurate.

Now, this is what we call a hysterical patient.

I'm not hysterical.

I just think it'd be smart to run another blood test before you commit to cutting me open.

Why, that's a terrific idea.

Really terrific.

We'll see you later.

What's wrong with you people?!

Labs make mistakes!

Listen to me!

I declare war on that blue country!

Reese, why are you attacking me?

Your dad's wide open.

What are you saying, Lois, that the boys and I have formed a secret alliance against you?

Hal, that's my foot you're tapping Morse code onto.

I can't take this anymore.

If I don't eat soon, I'm going to pass out.

This isn't worth it.

I agree with Finley.

Who are you?

Your roommate.

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, after the luau, you want to go parasailing?


Snap out of it.

You're talking crazy.

Why would we have a luau when we're trapped in a disabled submarine?


I hear tapping.

Come on, guys, we're doing good.

I think we're on the right track here.

If we keep this up, Commandant...



Yes. Spangler.

Commandant Spangler will have no choice but to meet our demands.


It's time we talked.

Will you gentlemen excuse us, please?

Take your time.

Yes! Madagascar is mine!

Let me see those dice.

Are you accusing me of cheating?!

Don't be ridiculous.

That's the pizza delivery man.

Why don't you get it?

So my artillery can mysteriously disappear like it did when I went to get a glass of water.

Or when I went to the bathroom and your tanks just materialized on my border.

I'm not getting it.

Come in!

It's locked!

Try the window!


Haven't you ever delivered pizza before?!

Come in through the window!

It's locked, too!

Okay, thanks anyway!

Here. Take this.

What's this for?


Your surgery has been moved up.

What do you mean, moved up?

My parents aren't even here.

I'm sure they've been notified.

Look, I'm not taking these until after I get another blood test.

Take the pills.

No! I'm not going to!

You can't force...

I know you are frightened, and that is normal for a little boy.

But now you must let the grown-ups handle things.

All you have to do is relax and let the pills take effect.

That's a good boy.

It's your move, Reese.

What are you going to do?

I don't know!

I'm hungry.

Reese, if you attack me, you're grounded.

If you don't attack her, you're grounded!

Stop it!

I don't want to play anymore!

I hate this game.

It's never been this horrible, even when Malcolm was kicking our butts.

He's right.

Look what we've become.

Without Malcolm humiliating us, our worst competitive instincts took over.

I'm ashamed for all of us.

So, you're quitting?

Let it go, Lois.

Ah, you're right.

Reese, do the honors.

Good. Now, who wants to go outside and watch me burn the evil game?

I have to admit, cadet, I thought you boys would have surrendered by now, but instead, you have shown strength of will, teamwork, and a willingness to sacrifice.

Well done.

With what?

The strike.

Right, right, the strike.

Well, that's good, 'cause... we weren't going to do... the thing... until we got back...

Well, you know.

Yes, I believe I do.

Shall we discuss terms?

We did it.

The strike's over.

We won!

We got his magic hat!

What about the television?


Here's your blood test, man.

Thanks. Here's my urine.

Good luck on the drug test, but I really think you should get some help.

I knew it!

Oh, good-- Helmut.

I've been looking all over for you.

I have great news.

You see, I just had another blood test, and it shows that I really don't need surgery, because...

If the blood count goes down to normal, that means it isn't appendicitis.

It was probably just a transient infection or maybe even a cold sore.

Yes, little boy.

I need... to talk to Dr. Harrison.

Count backwards from a hundred.

Hi there, sport.

We'll have that appendix out in no time.

Okay, scalpel.

Huh? Hold on a second.

"Do not operate.

'H' and 'H': 16 and 47, platelets: 310..."

These are blood test results.

"White count: 8.4"?

Is that right?

"I will sue your ass for malpract..."

Uh, maybe we should run another blood test.

Spangler was right.

Who needs television?

This is nice.

Get some fresh air, some exercise.

Nice drive.


I think this hat is magic.

Right, Francis?


Oh, remember to replace your divots.

There's nothing like two days at the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.

Give me that!

Oh, my God!

Look at Malcolm's hospital bill.

I'd hate to think what it'd cost if he'd actually had the operation.

There goes our summer vacation.

So we have to pay even though he was faking?

I wasn't faking.

I'm the one who figured out they were wrong, remember?

Well, if you're such a genius, why didn't you figure it out sooner?

Well, son, you want to answer that for us all?

Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital.