Malcolm in the Middle S2E20 Script

Bowling (2001)

This sucks.

I know.

I wish we were old enough to drive.

Then we'd never be bored.

I wish I could get out on my own and make a bunch of money and start the party.

I wish I was a bird.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

We're going bowling tonight with some kids from school.

It's, like, four boys and six, you know, girls.

Not that I care.

Doesn't make any difference to me.

Why can't I go bowling, too?

Because you are spending the night in your room.

You are being punished.

And tomorrow you are going to the store and buying Mrs. McNabb a new parakeet!

Aw, Dad? Don't look at me.

As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.

We're ready. Who's going to drive us?

I'll do it. I'll do it.

You, to your room. March!

Come on, son.

Race you to your room.

Oh, boys, you are going to have so much fun.

One complaint about your behavior and I'll come down on you like a hammer.

Bowling strikes, picking up spares...

And when you're getting ready to roll, the girls will be in back of you, checking out the old hinder.

This is one of the last places you haven't been banned from, so unless you want to spend your Saturday nights in the Laundromat, you'd better behave.

Do I smell cologne?

Very sophisticated.

Is this Irving Street?

I've never seen that church before.

Let's see, we were supposed to take the second left after we went over the bridge, and then...

Oh, geez, how's anybody supposed to find this place?

Here we are.

This is good, Mom.

You can drop us off here.

Yeah, you don't need to come in.

We can walk the rest of the way.

Oh, I understand.

You're at that age where I'm an embarrassment to you.

Hi. I need two pair of shoes-- size seven and size nine.

Coming up.

Where did all my money go?

I've only got six dollars?

Uh... just give me one pair, size eight.

You boys can share.

But Reese isn't wearing any socks.

I'm not sticking my socks in those nasty shoes.

Ha-ha! See?

Told you we'd find it.

Now let's just get you set up with some shoes.

Ooh! Pricey.

Good thing I stole some cash from your mom's wallet this morning.

Go to sleep.

I don't want to hear another peep out of you.

It's not fair.

I don't want to go to sleep early.

Fine. Feel free to lie awake all night.

Okay, go to sleep.

I don't want to hear a peep out of you.

It's not fair.

I don't want to go to sleep early.

We're not debating this.

I'm serious, Dewey.

I don't want any trouble with you.

That means no pleading, no whining, no crying.

You do understand why we're doing this, don't you, son?

Hey, check it out.

Beth Ballard's here.


I hear she's why Mr. Thomas got fired.

You can go now.

Thanks for the ride.

Where are the parents?

Are there no parents here?

Mom, please don't...

Where are your parents?

Who's chaperoning this?

Mom, we don't need a chaperone.

Okay, it's me.

We got two lanes here-- let's use them!

You, you, you, you and you, you'll use that lane.

You five use this one.

Mom, please don't do this.

Are you kidding?

You guys are bowling.

You could cut the hormones around here with a knife.

I mean, what kind of parent would leave these kids alone with themselves?

Okay, I'll see you in a couple hours.

Hey, there's Beth Ballard.

Did you see that? She smiled at me.

Hate to break it to you, but she was smiling at me.

Okay, fine.

Let's both go talk to her and find out.

Sounds fair.

Hey, Beth.

Hi, Reese.

Having fun?

I guess.

I'm kind of surprised to see you here.

I mean, you're too cool to have to go to a bowling party.

Well, I could say the same thing about you.

Hey, I've got a great joke.

How would you like to take a walk on the beach, feel the salt spray in your face and the wind in your hair?

Sure. I guess.

Looks like you already have!

What's the matter with you?

You spit on me, you pig!

What? Don't you get it?

Yeah, just one game.

Oh, can you put me down at the end?

See, my kids are here with a bunch of friends, and, you know, some are girls.

I don't want to cramp their style.

That's just not me.

And another thing-- the next person who swears is getting their parents called.

You can count on it.

I want to see a little daylight between you two.

Let's go, Malcolm. You can do it.

You're not going to throw another gutter ball this time.

Mom, just let me bowl.

Okay, okay.

That's a good effort, Malcolm.


Nice roll.


And you're pretty good, too.

I've got a joke for you.

Would you like to take a walk on the beach...


You're up!



Hey, Dad. I need a favor.

Let's hear it.

Well, some of the other cadets are going in together on an old car, and if I put in $100 I get the car every seventh weekend.

I could take road trips and go on dates.

I could drive underprivileged children to cultural stuff.

Oh, come on, Francis.

That's ridiculous.

I'm not giving you the money to buy one-seventh of a piece of junk.

Okay. Just thought I'd ask.

Later, Dad. Bye.

Hey, Mom, I need a favor.

Sure. Let's hear it.

Well, some of the other cadets are going in together on an old car and if I put in 100 bucks I get the car every seventh weekend.

Get back in there!

I could take road trips and go on dates.

I could drive underprivileged children to cultural stuff.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I really don't think we can afford this right now.

Of course. I knew you'd say that.

Why do I even try?

Now you can go to bed happy, knowing that you kept my life a living hell!

Maybe the lane is warped.

Mom, please.

You're not that bad of a bowler, Malcolm.

I know you're not.

What are you doing? Try this one.

It's a lighter ball.

Mom, this is a little kid's ball.

Just do it. Try it.

Pick a lane!

Your brother's not very good.

Maybe you should help him.

Nah. I couldn't do that in front of everybody.

I'm kind of his hero.

It would just embarrass him.

That's sweet.

You know, you never told me that joke. Oh, right.

Would you like to take a walk on the beach, feel the salt spray...

Reese, you're up!


Pop 'em and drop 'em.

I'm not buying it.

What's wrong, son?


Oh. Hey, you want me to read you a story?


Oh, come on.

Hey, I'll read you "Wilbur the Worried Worm."

You love that.

Let's see, where...

Hey, here it is.

How about that?


"There once was a worried little worm named Wilbur."

Oh, perfect.

"Wilbur lived in a magic garden filled with beautiful flowers.

One day..."


Man, six strikes.

You're on your way to a perfect...


Oh, hi.

Sorry about my brother.

We try to limit his contact with humans.

Don't worry. You still look great.

You're not very much like him, are you?


You're so cute.

I hate bowling. I love bowling.

Medium with thick crust, mushroom, pepperoni... and extra cheese, please.



I am the mayor of Strike Town. Yah!

Are you deaf?


I guess that's a yes to the "do you like my lip gloss?" question.

Yeah. Uh, yes.

I mean, why wouldn't I say yes to anything you ask?

Hey, not bad.

You're a pretty smooth talker.

What else are you good at?

A lot of things.

So, how about you pick... one thing?

Maybe I will.

Maybe I'd like that.

Maybe you would.

My roll.

Maybe it is.

I just can't seem to stop talking like this.

Stop talking like that, Malcolm.

You can do this-- now, just remember, bend your knee on the follow-through.

And remember to keep your elbow in.

Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?

Come on, I'm trying to help you.

Can't I at least use a boy's ball?

No. You've knocked over five pins since you switched to that ball.


You must really want out of this room to draw such a manipulative picture.


Go to sleep, sweetie.

That's $11.50.

I gave all my cash to the video guy.

Do you take credit cards?


Is one enough?

Better make that two.

Thank you.


Oh, oh, wait. Where are you going?

I have to use the restroom. No, no, no.

Nobody leaves. But I...

No, no, no, please, please, everything's got to stay the same.

Please, I need you here.

I've never... I've never been this close before.

You are a part of this.

You're all a part of this.

Each a thread in a fabric of the perfect game.

Oh, sure, it'll be my name up there on that plaque by the men's room door, but each of you know in your heart that you had a vital role Okay, okay. in my success... Okay.


Just... go quick.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.


Two to go.

What's their problem?

Yeah. It's just bowling.


I wish we could be alone somewhere.

Like outside?

No. There's security cameras out there.

Trust me.

You see, Malcolm?

Isn't it great when you don't have to worry about the gutters?

You can just bowl and have fun.

I wish we could be alone somewhere.

Me, too.

Wait, I still have to tell you that joke.

Would you like to take a walk on the beach, feel the salt...

You know what?

That's not a good joke.

Mom, I don't want to do this.

Malcolm, I didn't raise you to stop trying when something is hard.

You can do this.

You just concentrate on those pins.

You throw the ball.

You are not giving up until you bowl a strike.

Your mother's right, Connie.

My name's not Connie!

Okay, Mom, you want to see a strike?!

Malcolm, what are you doing?

Look at me!

I'm the world's greatest bowler!

I care so much about bowling!

Bowling is so important!

Malcolm, come back here!

You want a strike?

I'll give you a strike!

Here's your damn strike!

Way to go, Connie!

Listen, maybe you shouldn't...

Connie, Connie.

Connie, Connie, Connie.

Connie, Connie, Connie...

Oh, man, that was classic.

Okay, let's go make out.

I don't think so.

...Connie, Connie, Connie, Connie, Connie...

Okay, I think bowling's over.

Get your jackets.

I'm taking everyone home.

Turn in the shoes.

I'll meet you out front.

See? Nobody's here.


You know, I think you're really cute.


You're cute, too.

Only one more.

Okay, I'm going for it.

I'm totally going to kiss her.


That counts, right?


It has to count.



3-0... oh!

What's going on?

I haven't heard a peep out of you in over an hour.

I'm kind of tired.

But you haven't tried your fake running away or your sleepwalking yet.

It's not like you to give up so easily.


Maybe you've finally learned that all those silly little games you play aren't going to get you anywhere.

I guess.

When you're punished in this house you're going to serve your time.

There's no getting around it.

Well, I suppose you've suffered enough.

I guess there's no harm in 20 minutes of television.


Wait a minute.

Unless this is a new ploy.

You get right back into bed, mister.


No, no, hold on.

I'm-I'm... I'm being ridiculous.

Go, watch TV.

Wait, not so fast.

I'm not falling for it.

I'm being ridiculous.

But you are not getting away with it.

Go, watch TV.

No, stop, stop.

Stay right where you are.


Okay, I tell you what we're going to do.

You are-are going to watch television.

But it's going to be something you're not going to enjoy.

That ought to do it.

Okay, who just won?

I'm not sure.

Hey, Mom, I've got to tell you--

I wasn't on board at first with you staying, but tonight was... well, it was magic.


What? You want to make fun of me, too?


I just wanted to tell you that I thought it was really brave of you to stand up to your mom like that.

And I also thought it was hilarious the way you didn't hit a single pin when you were, like, what, an inch away?

Is there a point to all this?


Do you want to kiss me?

Why do you think you can come over here and make fun of me and...

Okay, that's it.

Oh, for God's sake, you are worse than your father.

You two are sitting on opposite sides of the car.

Okay, fine, don't count it.

But you and I both know that was a perfect game.

Reese, get out of the photo booth!

Uh, hi.

You... you probably want your privacy.

I'll get out of your way.

So, how'd it go? So, how'd it go?

Next time, you take 'em. Next time, you take 'em.